My Encouragement!!

Monday, January 19, 2015

I find all my smile in tears,
cause that's all I have ever known.
and I fear happiness to the extent
I think may be it's just cursed.

I fear of being happy
I fear to laugh till the stomach hurts
I fear not crying
I fear when the days go smooth.

So I wait for the storms.
I wait for my life to give
a nice unexpected tumble.
I wait and evaluate who next closest to me
is going to hurt me in best way possible.

And there I am again fighting the unknown.
and there I am again tossing and turning
Battling my two minds, splitting myself.
Battling to hold on.
Battling to let go.
and it's exhausting.
These battles are exhausting.
This life is exhausting.
I am exhausting.

Monday, December 29, 2014

I stared in void and despairas i saw my past walk back to me....He held my hand with all loveand said forever with you i want to be...

He said sorry a million timesHe said he wouldn't leave again..He promised a forever since that moment..He said never will i myself in pain..

He took me in his arms He hugged me tight..In his eyes i saw the lovei wanted to see all this very time..

I stared in void and blitheas i saw my present walk to me...He held my hand with all loveand said forever with me you have to be...

He said he loves me a million timesand that i will never see him leave..He said i promised you a forever since the day we metand in no pain since you have been...

He took me in his armsHe hugged me tight...and he stared down at my past...You had her and you lost her...Leave now he said.. she is all mine... She is all mine to keep...From the day i found herand from the day she confided in meshe is all mine to keep...Leave now he said... she will be fine...and In my present i saw the lovei wanted to see all this very time...

Saturday, December 6, 2014

So
here I stand divided
watching them fight over me.
And I stand dumb
as their words tear apart my soul
and I think will not death be sweeter than
this hanging sword.

So I stand here listening to their curses
how in every way I am wrong
how in every way I have betrayed.I see them cry a million tears
and I think what if I close my eyes say forever
and this pain will somehow go away.

So here I stand exhausted, confused, broken
tired of proving myself every step till date.All I want is a bit of rest.All I ask is a road bit less of thorns.All I ask is to let me find some peace.All I ask is to let me live.
or let me die with a smile at least.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

She smiled at him from a distance "Sorry" she said "Too much traffic." "Looking at how stunning you look right now, i wouldn't mind waiting more."he said. She blushed and they were off with their conversation. "Can i ask you something personal? It may be too early you know. You can refuse to answer if you have a problem with it." she asked. "Go ahead." he said. "Well, you know i have been going through your Facebook profile. Don't mind. It seems there was someone in your life right? What happened?" she asked. He sat there quiet not looking into her. She was waiting patiently, giving him the time to make his decision whether he should come clean. "Yes. I did. I really loved her." he said. "But we have said our goodbyes. I am leaving it all behind." "That's good" she said undisturbed "Just tell me what went wrong?" "My family didn't support me on this." he answered. "So you just left her?" she questioned him. "I had to. I had no choice." he said. "You always always have a choice"her voice raised. "How does it matter now? I told you i am leaving it all behind." She sat there unmoved, stunned, praying he'd not be that guy. But he was 'that guy'. "That's it. Just like that you left her." she said. "It was an easy decision, wasn't it." "Why do you care so much about the past? he asked. "Yes oh dear. I care. I care because i know how it feels to be in that position. Because i know how it feels to be abandoned by reasons that make no sense. Because i know how it feels to be left out bleeding when he takes a decision to side by his family or shitty lame excuse of some career and not you. I have been there my dear in that exact same situation and i have been hurt. So don't ask me why i care? I care cause i promised myself i would find me a person who would commit, who would know when to stand by me. I promised myself i am not gonna destroy myself to another coward, to another run away. I promised myself i would find myself that one person on whom i could fall not having to doubt if he'd be there to catch me. I know my worth. I know i am worth a lot, that i am a good person and i didn't deserve this crap in the first place. I promised myself i am not going to let that happen to me again. So dear just tell me if you couldn't fight for that one best person you actually truly loved, how the hell do you expect me to believe you will ever fight for the next best thing? and she left the scene.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

She walked into her room with words running her mind, desperate to pen them down she opened her heart and mind once again after a long gap of wordless living. A lot had happened over past few months. As busy as she was she had to give her mind its way to peace. She had to write.
A day before she had been to this movie 2 States with her friends. If two people so different from different states could give a meaning to their relationship than why couldn't she and him from the same state, so alike couldn't? She remembered telling him we are suppose to watch this movie together to realize there was no together later. May be a part of her always knew he was going behave the same, no matter how many chances you give someone to correct their mistakes they are going to hurt you someday. A year back he broke it off saying he needed time, he needed to set his life straight. So she let him go. She was almost over him when he knocked on her door again begging her to give him a second chance and she did. Well! Her friends weren't happy. Obviously they wouldn't be. They had seen her suffer day and nights long and they didn't know why was she throwing herself in the painful pit yet another time. She had her reasons. In life may be you need to commit the same mistake again to make yourself believe that it was a mistake the first time. She had to know if he could make this work for them. That she had made a right choice before choosing him as the one. May be after all the disappointments he could change her mind about him for once. May be later she didn't wanna regret or think 'What If she had given him a second chance?' She still remembered the day he stood in front of her after eight long months. God! she had missed him so much. She gave a ear his side of story, his explanations and his tears. She heard all of it even the things he did not say. For a brief moment of time she relived those old memories which were suppressed in anger and hatred. She felt happy again, the feeling of belonging to someone, the feeling of telling someone how the day went, the feeling very close to love. She knew this was gonna end soon for she knew him. And yet again very true to her expectations he deceived her one more time. The same lame excuses were told, the same family issues shared. The only thing different this time was she held herself strong and it was she who broke it off now. She had to get out of this constant torture not knowing where her life was headed. She had to get out of his fake persona of him trying to figure out a way for them cause she could see there was no good future with him .That he is going to be a looser, he is going to be that person who can never take a stand and she didn't want to spend her life with some one so incapable of fighting for her. She deserved a lot better. May be in life for once you need to give your past another chance just to see if it could change your future and if it doesn't, you are happy you to know the past doesn't stand a chance in your future.
There are times when she misses him a lot, times when her eyes roll down a tear in his love. There is a part of her that always will be his. But sadly his bad luck its just 'a part' of her heart that will be his.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

So now i am starting over..
and i hear all these new promises..
I smile unknowingly at your genuine vows...
thinking should i tell "I have already heard all these?"

I have been in love so deep
I have been head over heels
I have been promised true love
I have been deceived...

So when you are pledging for a forever
Let me tell you they don't last..
All i need is you to commit
and hold on when life seems to fall apart...

So be with me as if each day and every hour
you feel you are destined to be with me...
As if you and i can't be different souls..
As if not finding me around makes everything less worth..
and even with differences i can count on your every word..

I promise i will love you like no one has ever...
I promise nothing will be extinguished or forgotten..
As long as you will live i will be in your arms..
Just make me believe there can be a forever...

So now am starting over..
Starting over with you...
Praying silently You be 'the one'
who keeps his promises...You be 'the one'
i have been searching all these years...
You be 'the one' whose heart aches to see me in tears...

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

She hears her own words
cause he started the story and forgot to finish it...
She makes her self smile
cause he once made her laugh and left her with ocean of tears...
She keeps herself busy
cause doing nothing haunts her mind with his thoughts...
She lives with no emotions..
She lives for reasons she doesn't understand....
She misses him to no extent
Neither can she live with him
nor can she live without him....

Sunday, August 11, 2013

There are days when I
console the storm inside...
Days when I say to me
I am fine, I don't need you by my side..
Days when I put up a smile
and walk the thorns on my own...
Days when I be brave
to step in unexpected and deal with it all alone..
Days when I try not to
remember your deceitful promises...
Days when I hope I be strong
living your mistakes of taking the defeat...

Then there are days when I
can't console the storm inside...
Days when I breakdown
to find you not by my side....
Days when I cry a hundred tears
and bleed on the thorns you left me to walk on..
Days when I be hopeless
in the unexpected alone...
Days when the pain doesn't end
when I think of your deceitful promises...
Days when I wish
you never should have been a part of my life....

Days when I hate you and I love you...
Days when I hate myself for loving you...