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Tuesday, November 22, 2011

But first, do you remember how I rarely binge on Mondays? Well, as of yesterday (Monday) morning, I was 7 days (one full week!) binge-free! As of this morning, I'm restarting my count. whomp whomp

So, why did I binge last night? I can't really figure out the deep down root cause. I can tell you I felt tired and empty. Mostly empty. The real problem is, I don't know why I feel empty. I honestly, truly love my life. There are a few things I would change, but I'm working on those. And, for the life of me, I cannot figure out why I get this instinctive urge of "must stuff big black emotional hole with fatty fried foods and sweets."

Which brings me back to the idea of going to therapy. In finding a new therapist, I had to make a couple of decisions. First and foremost, should I find someone near work or near home? I decided on near work, because it's easier for me to take a long lunch or go immediately after work, than have to worry about making sure I get out of work at a certain time and if traffic is going to allow me to make evening hours for someone near home. I popped over to my insurance carrier's website, got lists of people who are super close to work, and started calling. One wasn't accepting new clients, one didn't call me back, and one just plain sounded scary. Do I keep looking for a new one? Go back to my old one? (I liked her, just wasn't sure I wanted to delve into this with her. I was looking for someone who specialized more in food addiction and eating disorders.) I'm back at Square One, and not really sure how to proceed just yet.

Back to the book. In Chapter 3, Ms. Morrone suggests some reason why one might binge:

Boredom

Instant gratification

To feel in control

As a tranquilzier

Procrastination

Stress relief

Anger or depression

Protection from sexual intimacy

I have to admit, when I first read the chapter, I didn't think most of these applied to me. But looking back on them now, I can identify with most of them. In fact, I think the only ones that don't apply are protection from sexual intimacy and procrastination. (Don't get me wrong. Procrastination is a huge problem for me. But my procrastination tool of choice is TV.)

I certainly eat out of boredom. Does that make sense? No! If I'm bored, maybe I should exercise. Or read. Or watch tv. Or play a game, call a friend, do some work. Basically, there are many things that cure boredom. Eating shouldn't be in that list. Same for stress relief. When I gained weight in college, and then again in 2007, I pretty much decided I was a stress eater. Again, there are so many things I can do to relieve stress that do not involve eating. Hmm... The first thing that pops into mind...exercise. I sense a recurring theme. Other stress relievers: sleep, bubble bath, journaling. I never realized that instant gratification could be a cause of binging, but now I realize that it definitely can be. Not as often as some of the other reasons, but it definitely happens. Mostly it goes like this: Oh, potato chips, that sounds good. Mmm...potato chips arrrre good.I'll just have a few. *crunch crunch* Wait...did I eat that whole bag?

The other three, to feel in control, as a tranquilizer, and because of anger or depression, all go hand-in-hand as far as I'm concerned. Though never officially diagnosed, I do believe I've suffered from depression, and can name a few periods of time where it was pretty bad. And I ate and put on lots of weight during those times. And even if we go back to the beginning of this post, it's clear that this latest binge was caused by a need to sedate myself and feel in control of something, anything.

Where do I go from here? I think it's time to make a list of the reasons I binge and the things I could do instead of eat. That might be a good starting point, ya know, if I remember to refer to it.

Update 11/29/11: I ended up in full-on out-of-control binge mode thru Thanksgiving. It wasn't pretty. But Friday I pressed the rest button and am now 5 days binge free! Oh, and the list of non-eating things to do is complete.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

And when you add it to the loot of clothes I brought home last week, I feel confident I have a good amount of flattering, appropriately sized clothes to last me the winter.

And I'm excited for spring, when I can renew that wardrobe with smaller clothes!

And I'm 5, almost 6, days binge free!

But, just one request to NY & Co. I used to love your jeans! I don't know when you decided women only want low-rise, but that's just not true. Frankly, they make my muffin top look like a dozen donuts. Get with the program and give me back my mid-rise jeans. Thanks.

Friday, November 18, 2011

4 days may not seem like a lot, but it feels like an eternity to me. Seriously.

Especially since Tuesdays and/or Thursdays are my usual days to run to the grocery store, pick up my favorite binge foods, and have a secret feast when I get home. Sometimes it's just because I'm like "Hm, I haven't had a good junk food fest in a while." (Where "a while" = a week, maaaaybe two.) But if I'm tired (which is most of the time), worked late and/or had a long bus ride (which is often), stressed out, or emotional, the urge to binge is multiplied.

Surely enough, I felt it most strongly this week on Tuesday and again on Thursday. Why those days? Well, Mondays I'm usually busy. After I leave my day job, I rush home (as much as one can rush when they have no control over traffic or the bus), freshen up, and run to my Mary Kay meeting. Sometimes I have time for dinner, sometimes I have time for a quick snack, sometimes I don't eat until after the meeting. If I wait until after the meeting to eat, it's touch and go. I can either stop at one of the multitude of fast food places on my way home, stop at the grocery store, or figure something out when I get home. I've done all three, but usually it's one of the latter two. Usually, I'm just too exhausted to think much about food when I get home on a Monday night at 10pm. Though, sometimes this can lead to mindless eating and a mini-binge.

Wednesdays don't get really bingey for me because that's night my boyfriend, Hamad, comes over for dinner. He usually snacks on either chips or cheese and crackers while I cook. I usually have a little, but not much as I'm busy in the kitchen. Dinner is pretty easy for me to portion control. I usually only get into trouble if we have bread on the side and/or cookies for dessert. But for the most part, I retain composure.

Fridays and Saturday are similar to Wednesdays. And if I'm not eating with Hamad, I'm usually eating with someone else. If I am alone, I don't usually get a huge bingey feeling, because I've usually fulfilled that on Thursday night. Sundays are a toss-up.

I just don't know what it is about Tuesdays and Thursdays. Perhaps that I have the time? That I can actually allow myself to be exhausted because I don't have to go anywhere? I really haven't figure out why these days. But anyway, I made it through both Tuesday and Thursday without binging this week.

However, I was riding home yesterday (Thursday) and felt completely filled with angst, almost shaking from the amount of anxiety running through my body. I wanted to eat. Not, "I'm hungry, I'm ready for dinner." Not, "Oh, I've got this fabulous meal planned for tonight." It felt strange, but it was very clearly that I had this instinct to pretty much stuff myself with food.

I told myself I wasn't going to do it. I even thought about running to the grocery store for something I needed, and decided against it because I didn't trust myself to not stock up on binge foods. I ended up going straight home, and having a snacky dinner of cheese and crackers. It was supposed to be a snack, but it filled me up and I never got around to making dinner. Admittedly, it's not the best dinner option.

But, I didn't binge!

As far as my course of action, I've been wishy washy. I have put off Overeaters' Anonymous. I'm not really sure why, but for now I'm not going to put myself into that setting. I have attempted to contact several new therapists, but it's proving difficult to find someone who is either accepting new patients and/or will call you back. I'm still working on it, and debating if I should call up my old therapist. I have decided to adhere to Weight Watchers. I think I need the structure of counting Points Plus, since I can't trust myself at the moment. I'm still working my way through Overcoming Overeating: It's Not What You Eat, It's What's Eating You by Lisa Morrone, PT. I've gotten through Chapters 3 and 4, so expect some entries on Why I Binge, and The Not-So-Merry-Go-Round of Food Addiction this weekend.

Loss of
attractiveness/self-confidence
This is the first cost Ms.
Morrone discusses, and it applied to me in so many ways. I feel like
I'm a fairly self-confident person. I can make numerous lists about all
the positive qualities about myself. However, when it comes to my
weight, I have just felt like a huge failure. I no longer feel
attractive. I hate that my "fat" clothes no longer fit, because I'm at
my all-time heaviest weight. I have a diminished sex-drive, and it has
not gone unnoticed. I don't generally like the way that I look. I
finally gave in and bought new clothes, in a size I've never worn
before. I finally feel like "Well, okay, at least these are more
flattering to my body." Yet, at the same time, I'm disgusted that I had
to buy a bigger size.

Health Costs

"Whether or not you want to look at it this way, the
reality is that you are slowly committing suicide by remaining
overweight. The excessive food you put into your mouth is having a
poisoning effect on the organs and systems in your body. Being obese
decreases your life expectancy by 7 years." (pg. 34)

I'm
not going to get into all the sciencey stuff regarding how being
overweight/obese affects one's health in general. I will, however, say
that I have seen direct results with the last 10 or so pounds I've
gained. For one, I have trouble breathing when I walk up more than one
flight of stairs. I've noticed my ankles becoming swollen more often
than usual. Neither of these are acceptable to me.

The
chapter also touches on things like heart disease, stroke, type 2
Diabetes, dementia, and degenerative diseases such as arthritis. All of
these run in my family, and I desperately want to diminish my risk of
developing any of these. It's suggested to go to the doctor for a full
check-up and fasting bloodwork just to find out where you stand.
However, I routinely go for a physical, and just went this past July.
The only issue with my bloodwork was my iron, but I had just donated
blood recently, so it wasn't even a major concern. There were no other
pressing issues that the doctor brought up, but I'm also not sure if it
was before or after my 20 lb gain. I do know my blood pressure is fine,
as that was taken about a month ago. It always takes months to
schedule a physical with my doctor, so I'm not going to redo this
again. (Plus, I'm not sure my insurance would cover it since I had one 4
months ago.) But I'm going to make sure to go through all of it in
detail with my doctor when I go for a physical next summer. And in
another 8 months, I'll hopefully have lost quite a bit of this excess
weight.

Loss of Self-Trust

This
was not in the book, but it's something I've noticed in my self
lately. There have been a few times where I've come close to having an
anxiety attack simply deciding on what to have for a meal. I feel like
I've distorted my thinking and I no longer really understand what is
"okay" to have. I really do believe in the concept of moderation and
being able to enjoy treats every once in a while, or even have dessert
daily, but I've lost the concept of moderation. That muscle has
completely atrophied from lack of use.

I've
heard plenty of times that trust has to be earned, especially when it
has been broken before. I never realized this could apply to your
relationship with yourself, but this is definitely what has
happened to me. I spent the past two weeks working on making better
decisions and completely shaky as to whether or not I was making good
decisions. However, after a few days of knowing I've made good
decisions, I'm starting to earn back that trust in myself. I'm hoping
that if I focus on the things I'm doing right, rather than the fact I
let myself down in the past, I can start trusting myself to continue to
make good decisions. I've started keeping an NSV Log to
focus in on the things that are going right.

Monday, November 14, 2011

I think I'm giving up on OA for now. I'm not sure why, but it just doesn't feel quite right. I may end up there again. I may end up finding alternative methods to deal with my emotions and issues. We'll see.

I called several therapists last week, but I'm not having luck finding one that is a) accepting new patients or b) calling me back. Excellent. So I'll continue to work my way through Overcoming Overeating and writing about it here.

I've decided to continue to use the Weight Watchers e-tools for now, but I'm not following Weight Watchers. I'm using the tracker to track my food using the Simply Filling Technique, but I'm only counting items that are trigger foods for me or if I feel I'm eating uncontrollably. Basically, if I'm having a normal meal or snack, I'm tracking it but not counting points for non-filling foods. If I'm eating something like candy, potato chips, cookies, fast food, things I would normally spin out of control over, I'm counting those points.

If you're unfamiliar with SFT, the general point is that you eat filling foods (WW provides a list of filling foods). You eat to satisfaction. You are given a set amount of points to use every week, plus activity points. You only count points for items that are not on the filling foods list. I've adapted this for my current needs.

Figure out why I want to eat before I eat. If the reason isn't because I'm hungry or to prevent hunger (like, I'm not hungry just yet, but leaving the house for the next few hours, so I'd better eat something), then I need to find another way to spend my time.

So that's where I am at. I will finish Chapter 2 of Overcoming Overeating and post my reactions by tomorrow evening.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

My other blog, Passion & Zest, was started a few months ago to explore new and old passions and find some creative outlets for myself. At several points, the blog took a turn toward my relationship with food and my commitment to healthy eating. Or rather, how difficult I've found it to commit to healthy eating and how my relationship with food has become disordered.

About a week ago, I wrote a very emotional post in which I came to realize that I may have an eating disorder. Binge Eating Disorder (BED) or Compulsive Overeating (COE), to be exact. So far, this is a self-diagnosis. But it has scared me to realize that this could be a real problem I'm facing and I have decided to take action.

I decided that blogging would be a good tool in helping me to work through these issues, but didn't want to turn Passion & Zest into a weight loss or recovery memoir, so I've started fresh.

I'd like to say that in the past week I've abstained from compulsive or binge eating, but it isn't true. What is true is that I've been very cognizant of the choices I've made. There have been times when I've overeaten, even mini-binged, and times when I've willed myself not to give into binge temptations. And by "willed" I usually mean I generally distracted myself for long enough that I was no longer willing to prepare the foods I thought I wanted.

I have also taken a few steps toward recover. I joined Overeaters Anonymous. Though I have yet to make it to a face to face meeting, I have joined an online group geared at newcomers to the program and have attended some online meetings that are held via chat room. I have also picked up a few books to work through, and am in the process of finding a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. I have decided that, for the moment, I'm focusing on the head stuff. For the first time in years, I am not going to fuss over the weight loss stuff right now. I believe if I fix the head stuff, the body stuff will follow.

The first book that I am working my way through is Overcoming Overeating: It's Not What You Eat, It's What's Eating You! by Lisa Morrone, PT. I have just finished the first chapter, at the end of which she asks to note our starting point. She uses three assessment tools: Body Mass Index (BMI), BMI with waist measurement, and Waist to Hip Ratio (WHR). Ms. Morrone asserts that "A reality check is never easy, but there will never be recovery without it." So here goes:

Reality Check: November 9, 2011
As of this morning, I weighed an even *gulp*191 lbs. I'm 5'3", or 63 inches. In case you've ever wondered how to calculate BMI, it equals (weight in lbs * 703) / (height in inches squared).
Because I'm a dorky math lover, I'll jot it out for you:BMI as of 11/9/11 = (191 * 703) / (63 * 63) = 33.8 = OBESE

When a waist circumference over over 35 (for women - over 40 for men) is combined with a BMI over 30 the risk of obesity related diseases is "very high."

double yikes

The last measure is Waist to Hip Ratio.
Waist: 38 inches
Hips: 46 inches
WHR: .83
A healthy WHR for women is .7 (.9 for men).

triple yikes

Anyway, there it is. My reality check. My starting picture is below. Sorry for how bad it is, but I have an awful full length mirror. I could ask my cats to take the picture of me, but I'm pretty sure they'd just give me a dirty look.