Yes, the headphones are in "discoverable" mode, and I've tried many, many times

I have tried connecting via the "Connect" option in the Action Center, the bluetooth settings, and the "Add a device" wizard. On Android I don't even have to attempt to discover the headphones, they just appear.

I have disabled bluetooth on my phone to ensure there is no conflict. The headphones stay in "discoverable" mode (flashing red and blue light, as indicated by the instructions) until they power off due to inactivity.

I have checked "Allow Bluetooth devices to find this PC"

It's not a driver issue, this same problem occurs on two separate computers with different bluetooth radios (generic & realtek)

Both of the bluetooth-related services in services.msc - including the one specifically related to bluetooth headsets - are enabled and set to start automatically.

Why is bluetooth on Windows such garbage? Since there obviously won't be any helpful solutions posted, should I just switch to OSX?

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Yes, I did that. I have an HP laptop so its not an uncommon brand and it made no difference.

John, does HP not list a different, 3rd party driver for your integrated wifi/bluetooth, maybe? That is what I had to do. I have an MSI GS60 laptop. I went to the MSI website and found a link to the mfg of the driver and installed it. Once I did that, the
BT was detected and the issue was resolved.

Oh, and the simple fact the a multi-billion dollar company like Microsoft can't handle a simple driver update, forcing me to spend DAYS troubleshooting is simply inexcusable. But hey, MS has us all over a barrel, don't they? They don't have to give a ****...