Travel Guide 2017: Taken a Sad Turn?! Visit Saturn!

Taken a sad turn? Head off to Saturn.

If your life has taken a sad turn (i.e. you’ve lost your car keys, the dog has shredded a cushion, your hair dye didn’t work the way you wanted it to, or your colleagues caught you picking your nose) then now is the time to transform your 2017 with a trek to salubrious Saturn!

One of the best gas giants of the solar system, this colossus is famed for its system of rings. These were formed (probably) when one of its larger moons disintegrated and got wrapped up in its orbit. Or God put them there – whatever you want, we’re not here to argue with you, we’re just here to make you give us your cash so you can trip on out of your sad turn.

Getting There

When the Earth and Saturn are aligned closest to each other, they’re about 762 million miles apart. Get your favourite podcasts setup on your iPhone, as this is one heck of a trek we’re on about. It’ll take years. No matter if you’re with your nearest and dearest, within 12 months in a confined space you’ll be sick of the sight of them and tearing each other’s hair out. Enjoy!

Top Activities & Sights!

Saturn is a hotbed of awesome activities such as staring whimsically out into space and the middle-distance. Upon arrival, you may want to mend almost irreparably damaged relationships with erstwhile loved ones. If no one is on speaking terms anymore, simply set out to take in the sights alone!

Rings, Rings, Rings!

As you may have noticed, Saturn has a big system of rings in its local vicinity. These are home to many hip and happening discos, so strap on your best flares and get ready to boogy on down!

Gaming on the Sega Saturn

As the planet was named after Sega’s much-maligned games console, you’ll find thousands of abandoned consoles on Saturn! Stick on Nights into Dreams and pretend all the other games on the system were just as good.

Moons Galore!

With 62 known moons, Saturn is a total hive of moon-based activity! Moon hop from one to the other with a jetpack (£50 – $70 an hour) and take in the sights. Be careful not to lose control and career off into deep space, however, as we’re not risking our necks to go out there and save you!

10 Hour Days!

Days last for 10 hours on Saturn – that leaves plenty of time to catch up on your sleep. Huzzah!

Gas

Find out all you ever wanted to about gas – Saturn is a gas giant, after all! Upon returning to Earth, wow your friends with insights on everything gas related. Get that hot date you’ve been planning for months with pickup lines such as: “Hey babe, did you know Saturn has chronic gas problems? I don’t, incidentally! I’m sorry? Look, I’ve just been to Saturn recently and it’s a great way to chatup birds… where are you going? Excuse me! Hello!?” etc.

Boredom

Once you’ve done everything, bask in the glory of boredom as you get sick of the sight of Saturn and become homesick over your local shop, its surly shop assistant, and that hilarious time you had a mishap about whether you handed him £20 or £10! Them were the days.

Book Today!

Bored of Paris, London, the Bahamas, and dreary old Italy? Saturn is the place for you! With the planet’s wind speeds reaching around 1,800 km/h, you’re guaranteed to have a beautifully blustery time of it abroad! For the ladies, wash your hair and step out into the Universe’s very best active hairdryer.

For the men, hone those chatup lines, realise you miss Earth, and return home to binge watch the OA on Netflix. You’re guaranteed a grand time, not a sad time. Saturn is the place of dreams* and with the Professional Moron travel agency, you’ll be whisked merrily to your destination for a mere £30,000 ($50,000) return ticket. Don’t delay, visit Saturn today**!

* Unless your spaceship fails and you crash and burn on your way to Saturn – Professional Moron waives all liability in the event of such a disaster.

** NB: It is not possible to visit Saturn today, it will take several long, boring, psychologically disruptive years.