Zoophilia

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I'm a big fan of zoos for several reasons, one of which is that they appear to be a magnet for mmmllaaaaring retards of all kinds, but also because I have a strong suspicion that some of the brighter animals have worked out that they can turn the tables on the visitors through somewhat unpredictable behaviour. London Zoo used to have a gigantic old Gorilla, called Guy, who was an ace exponent of this. One of his favourite tricks was to pretend to be asleep in his nest while a big crowd built up in front of his cage, at which point he would leap up and charge at them, banging his fists on the glass, before heading back to his pit for a leisurely wÃ¤nk.

However, my personal favourite trick of his occurred when my Mum took me to the zoo when I was about ten. Guy the gorilla was sitting calmly, eating nuts from a plastic washing up basin and ignoring the punters who were standing outside watching. He finished the nuts and turned the bowl upside down to make sure there were no more, then did a quick area sweep to see if he had dropped any. Having finished this, he sauntered over to the armoured glass at the front of his cage, and proceeded to bowk up about two gallons of liquid nut slurry. At this point, there was a chorus of alarmed 'Mllaaaarr!'s from the spectators. You could almost see this gorilla thinking 'if you thought that was nasty, fÃ¼cking cop this!', at which point he dipped his forefinger in the puke, sniffed it, and then licked it. Even more horrified screeching from the retard chorus led on to his piÃ¨ce de resistance as he leaned over and troughed the rest of the vomit, causing the spectators to bomburst away as fast as their plastic mong shoes would carry them.

LE

Monkey World Ape Rescue Centre in Wareham Dorset is a favourite for any bored or hung-over RAC officers stuck at the Bovington Hilton. If you are hung-over there is nothing better than watching chimps and other primates variously beating the living Shiite out of each other, trying to hump the female harem of the alpha male while he is having a kip, engage in troop formation waknathons or more importantly play poo games.

They are a considerate establishment and have stock of motorised wheelchairs and scooters that all go v v slowly for the visiting window-lickers from which the special ones can pootle around and admire the cheeky monkeys at play. Obviously there are a great variety of hairy species but by far the most twisted were the chimps who seemed to ambush the MLLLAARRRS at every opportunity.

On one memorable occasion while I was recovering from a very severe hangover (felt like a brain tumour) I decided to spend an afternoon monging on a bench in the sunshine. I sat watching the baby chimps rolling about and scrapping, pishing, crapping, winding up the adults, beating seven shades of Shiite out of each other and generally behaving like squaddies.

One of the older males had spotted a troop of Mllaaaaaaars moving slowly from right to left in tight Stephen Hawking formation across the front of the enclosure and he seemed transfixed as I watched his brain plotting and he speedily decided to sort them out. He squatted down and grunted as he passed a decent fistful of chunky monkey into his hand, had a good look and a sniff at it and then ran at the fence of the enclosure screaming aggressively and then proceeded to lob it at the unsuspecting Mllaaars on their scooters and wheelchairs with a pace that Darren Gough would have been proud of.

Their reaction to effective enemy fire was lamentable.

The poo seemed to hang in the air motionless had separated as it went airborne and splattered down noisily all over the flids in their Day-Glo cagoules and Peter Storm waterproofs so it looked like they had just enjoyed a drive by muck spreading. A few of them started playing witheir newly acquired freckles much to the concern of their escorts

Several of the more immature adults who were loitering nearby (thankfully out of dung flinging range) started laughing (me included) while the carers of the less-abled got very busy with wads of tissues in a desperate attempt to clean up the window-lickers who were now in a state of some distress (by Christ they make an awful noise when they get going). The Chimp meanwhile just howled, jumped up and down and started doing forward rolls to celebrate.