Marlon (2017) s01e08 Episode Script

Coach Marlon

1
What's up, subscribers?
Welcome to "The Marlon Way."
You know, my friends say
I have boundary issues.
I like to think that I'm
just very close to people.
Let's ask my friend Stevie.
Do I have boundary issues?
- Marlon! Get outta here!
- What?
I need your take on this.
Yes, you have boundary issues!
Stevie thinks so.
But you know, he didn't
tell me why he thinks that.
Could you elaborate?
Close the curtain!
I'm just gonna do your back.
Come on, man. This is what friends do.
[snickering]
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon,
Marlon, Marlon, Marlon
[upbeat music]
Come on, guys.
We really gotta get going to the game.
Your father's running late.
Oh, uh, Mom, he's actu
He really should have
been here an hour ago.
- Mom, he's
- I know he's gonna
walk in the door any minute
with some silly little excuse.
What the hell?
When did y'all switch
to natural toothpaste?
This tastes like bad breath.
Like, what's the flavor?
[exhales] Haaaah!
Marlon, what are you doing here?
I was getting ready to call your house.
Dad slept over That's what we were
- trying to tell you.
- Oh, really?
You slept over?
Technically, no.
I mean, we barely slept at all.
[laughs] We had pillow fights.
We ate junk food
at 2:00 in the morning.
And then we recorded you snoring
and put that on YouTube.
[laughing]
Look, Mom, you're trending. Look, Dad!
Oh, wow, look at all those likes!
Uh, time out!
Can you excuse us, kids?
Mommy's gotta talk to Daddy.
But Daddy don't like it when
Mommy has to talk to him.
Marlon, you can't just sleep over here.
What's the big deal?
Zack asked me to stay.
Zack also asked you to shave his head,
and now his fourth-grade picture
looks like a smiling Milk Dud.
The point is, this divorce
is new for all of us.
And I don't wanna send
the kids the wrong message.
Ash, I slept in my clothes
on top of Batman sheets.
Now, if I slept in no clothes
on top of you
that may be sending the wrong message.
Dad, get dressed. You're
coming to the game, right?
Of course I'm coming
to the game. Come on.
I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Now, listen, win or lose,
I'm still gonna be
the loudest, proudest daddy
up in there. I'ma be like,
"That's my son!
"In your face!
In your face's face!"
I love how loud you are, Dad.
I just wish you could
cheer us to a win.
Son, ain't that much
cheering in the world.
Listen, Coach Doug is terrible.
He's so bad, I wrote a rap about it,
and I'ma do it at halftime.
Coach Doug, you suck
- And I don't give a
- Or
you could sit with the
adults in the bleachers
and try being a little
bit more subdued.
[calmly] You want subdued?
I'll give you subdued.
Let's go! Let's go!
Let's get this one!
Are you ready to win?
Way to be subdued, Marlon.
Thanks. I been workin' on it.
Let's go, baby! Let's do this!
And that's why I quit track and field.
Oh! Well, look who
finally made it to a game.
Couldn't let another season go by
without supporting Zack.
I have a deep affection
for that little guy.
I told him there's pizza
after every game.
I also have a deep
affection for free pizza.
You have a deep affection for free.
Yvette!
Are you here for free pizza too?
[laughs] Does this body
look like it eats pizza?
I came to see my baby boy ball!
I told her a lot of kids on
the team have divorced dads.
That is not why I'm here.
But where they at, though?
[sighs] Hey, Ashley.
- Hey, Vickie.
- You think the boys
might finally win one?
Well, I don't know,
but Marlon's over there
giving Coach Doug a pep talk right now.
You 'bout to lose this game, Doug.
Now did you get the
playbook I emailed you?
- No.
- No?
Well, bam!
Wow. Your ex-husband
has a lot of energy.
And that's why I quit violin.
Yeah, well, he can be
a little unplugged.
But he was up all night
eating sugar with my son and
Whoa! Whoa, wait.
Your ex-husband sleeps at your house?
Mm hmm!
No! Not
really.
I mean, you know, he did last night,
but it was more of like
a slumber party.
You know what, can you just
check my Facebook status?
It's complicated!
Girl, he's still got a key.
My ex was the same way,
and I set boundaries,
and now he respects my space
and we have no problems whatsoever.
I know! Like when Demetrius
got that restraining order against me,
I was like, all you got to do
is call the cops on me twice
and I'm out!
Crowd: Three, two, one
[buzzer] [crowd whooping]
Yay! Way to be nice!
Hey, Doug,
I got a defensive suggestion for you.
Yeah play some.
Marlon, I have to be honest.
You're beginning to frustrate me.
Oh, really? You have
a pretty high tolerance for me,
'cause I've been screaming
in your face for six weeks.
You really think you can
do a better job than me?
Doug, you are 0 and 6.
I can't do no worse!
You win, Marlon.
I can't take any more of this.
You're the coach now.
- Really?
- Yes.
Because if I don't
hand you this whistle,
I'm gonna lose my temper,
my eyes will roll back in my head,
and things will go black.
Oh, oh, calm down, Wreck-It Ralph.
All right, gather around, Camels.
I got some good news.
Coach Doug is out,
and Coach Marlon is in.
Are you ready to win, Camels?
Boys: Yeah!
Then let's go do this!
I will not lead you astray, Camels!
This will not end well.
Eew. That's the ladies' room.
Oh.
Gentlemen
most teams win games
relying on their fundamentals.
Now I seen you all play.
We ain't got that luxury.
Assistant Coach Stevie, the board.
If ya wanna win games,
we can't rely on fundamentals.
We gotta take the fun out
and focus on
da mentals!
The mentals!
What kinda basketball is that?
Street ball, little homey!
Now, first thing we have to do
is we have to up our fouls.
But fouls are illegal.
Only if you get caught.
See,
and the quintessential "sneaky" foul,
is what I like to call
the "Junk Thump."
- [whack]
- Oof!
You see that?
He's debilitated,
and you didn't even see nothin', right?
The Junk Thump.
It's a very simple move.
These two knuckles.
You take 'em like this.
Bow!
[whistle sounds]
Camels, on your feet.
Our second lesson:
Trash talkin'. Trash talkin'.
You have to look your
opponent up and down
and you gotta hit him where it hurts.
You, come here.
You be like, "Your daddy's so poor,
he calls the food stuck
in his teeth leftovers."
Oh! Ho!
My dad manages a hedge fund.
It don't have to be true.
It just gotta hurt.
Now, go sit down, Drake.
I don't know if I can say this stuff.
I go to Temple with some of these guys.
That's good! Let's go with that.
Let's work on our Jewish material.
[whistle blows] All right, next!
Oh!
More knuckle!
What is going on in here?
Oh!
We're just having our first practice.
We have a basketball
court in the driveway.
You can't really get that
sneakers squeak on concrete.
You know, that [sneakers squeaking]
Hey, stop!
Stop!
May I speak to you in the kitchen?
Get him!
Fill that cheap-ass
Michael Jackson jacket
and beat it!
What's up?
Marlon, I've been thinking
a lot about our divorce lately,
and I believe it's time to
establish some boundaries.
'Bout time!
Boundaries? Why?
We have a cool divorce.
Well, it's about to get less cool!
Uh, 'scuse me, that's enough
from the whole Pinot gallery, okay?
You talk mer-lot!
So why don't you Cabernet
sauvig-the-hell on?
- What's the problem?
- The problem
is I come home from work
and I find ten Camels in my living room
smacking Stevie in the genitals.
Marlon, I'd like my key back.
Ashley, are you serious?
Okay, fine.
It's cool.
Take 'em.
That's how you wanna play,
I'm cool with that.
Stevie!
Let's get outta here.
Hmph!
Boom!
Boundaries!
[knocking]
I forgot my
basketball team.
Camels!
We out!
And just for the record,
if you had junk,
I woulda made them thump it.
[upbeat music]
Boundaries!
Talkin' boundaries!
You know, I thought us not doing
it was boundaries enough.
I don't get it. We had a cool divorce.
And now she wants to mess things up.
Can you believe this?
Ashley has a valid point.
Anytime somebody comes in and
they take advantage of you,
violate your privacy,
have no respect for
your personal space,
it can be very frustrating.
Says the Negro who sleeps on my couch.
Let me rephrase that.
She trippin'.
All right, Camels!
[blowing whistle]
All right, Camels,
I know what you're thinking.
Damn, Coach looks good in a suit.
And I do.
Do you know why I'm wearing this suit?
Not just because I got a good discount,
three for one over at the outlet.
I'm wearing this suit because
if you dress like a winner,
then you feel like a winner,
and if you feel like a winner,
then you are a winner!
Now, are you ready, Camels?
Boys: Yeah!
On three! One, two, three!
Boys: Yo' mama's ugly!
Yes! Now let's go out there
and show 'em that we're winners!
Crowd: Two, one
[buzzer] [crowd cheering]
I feel like such a loser.
Loser? It's only halftime.
And y'all didn't play hard
enough to break a sweat.
Lookit, this boy is dry as hell.
You could go to church after this.
Dad!
We're down by 20 points!
We can see where this is going.
Coach, I don't think we're cut out
for this type of basketball.
And Gabe is really beating himself up
over some of the things
he's saying out there.
I'm ashamed of myself!
Gabe, you stop it with all
your little white guilt.
We can win this.
If you guys just go out there
and you play the street ball
that I been teaching you,
I guarantee you,
I will coach you to victory.
You couldn't coach
a black man into a rib joint!
Gabe, I am both very hurt
yet proud
of you for that.
Like, I wanna punch you
and hug you at the same time.
You know, what I want you to do?
I want you to bottle that
and save it for the court, okay?
Sorry, Coach.
I think you pushed us too far.
Hey,
Zack
you too?
Sorry, Dad.
It's just not us.
[laughs] Black man at a rib joint.
[hip-hop music]
Girl, and when she got home,
he had wrecked her floors.
- [gasps]
- So you know what she did?
She took away his key.
Mm-hmm-hmm!
That is such a great first step.
You are on your way
to a perfect divorce.
Ashley, are you listening to this?
You know what, the team's
been gone a long time.
Something's going on.
I'm gonna go talk to Marlon.
You don't have to talk to him.
I haven't spoken to my
ex-husband in three years,
trust me.
Why don't you talk to him?
Why would I need to?
When you drop off the kids?
I pull into a parking lot.
I flash my lights twice.
They get out of my car, they
hop into his, and that's it.
That is how you do divorce.
That is also how you do a drug deal.
What's wrong with you?
You know what, I've heard enough.
I'm gonna go and speak to Marlon.
Yeah, you go do that,
and I'm gonna stay here
and chop it up with "El Chapo."
Everything okay, Coach?
Hmm. I'd tell you,
but I don't wanna violate
your boundaries.
Where's the team, Marlon?
- Them little bastards quit.
- What?
Nobody's talking to me.
Gabe done lost his mind.
I got all these little white
kids running around here
talking about people's mamas.
And little black kids too.
Zack's about to get popped.
He said some outrageous
stuff out there.
All right. I'll admit
I got boundary issues.
I just push people until
they kick me to the curb.
Okay.
Yes, you're right.
Your lack of boundaries
is one of the reasons
our marriage didn't work.
And I got scared it would be a reason
that our divorce wouldn't work.
But Marlon, your biggest weakness
is also your strength.
So you know what?
Use that strength.
Give Zack the win.
You know
sometimes I wonder why
I ever divorced you.
[laughing]
Oh, don't get it twisted, Negro.
I divorced you.
Okay, well, let's just
agree to disagree.
- Okay.
- 'Cause them kids
been missing for 20 minutes,
and I got a sneaking suspicion
that lunatic Gabe is keying my car.
Oh, God.
All right, Camels, gather around.
Tanner, you were right.
I pushed you guys too far.
I-I tend to go overboard.
That's my weakness.
But, see, when I played basketball,
I made that my strength.
I'd take things too far.
There's nothing I wouldn't do to win!
And you guys have to
take your weaknesses
and you have to turn
them into strengths.
Come here, light skin.
You you're a three-point threat.
I can't shoot three-pointers.
You damn sure can't.
I didn't say you could.
I said you're a three-point
threat you know why?
'Cause those players,
they're gonna look at you
and go, "Hey, look at little
Steph Curry baby.
"I bet you that eggshell
colored brother
can shoot three-pointers."
And that's what you do,
you use that to your advantage.
You fake the three-pointer,
you dribble in,
you take a two-pointer.
You gonna be hitting
those all day long,
open shots. You got me?
You. Come here, Gabe.
What's your weakness?
I'm just a nerd.
Yes, you are.
But you know what? So is Jeremy Lin.
NBA ball player.
You know he graduated Harvard
with a degree in math and science?
So while all the brothers is playing
athletic basketball on him,
oh, he's doing mathematic equations.
He's like, "I cross over
using the Pythagorean theorem,
A square plus B square equals C square,
and I spin around the defender
with the circumference of radius of Pi.
And I shoot a protracted
45-degree angle shot at
52 rotations per second,
and swish!
Two points in your mouth, bitch!
What about me, Dad?
Son, you got a big mouth like me!
Hey, like father, like son.
That's my boy! See, now
all of you guys have strengths,
and if you use your strengths,
I guarantee you,
you're gonna go out there
and you're gonna win this game, okay?
Now, Camels, come on,
let's bring it in.
On three.
One, two, three!
All: Camels!
Let's go, let's go!
Pizza isn't contingent on a win, is it?
[crowd cheering]
[Marlon shouting indistinctly]
[buzzer sounds]
Come on!
We came back from 20 points down!
We only lost by one point!
We almost won!
[boys chanting] We almost won!
We almost won!
All: We almost won!
Hey, you know what? How 'bout we do
an almost victory dance?
Hey! Ha ha!
All right, stop.
That's enough. 'Cause we didn't win.
We shouldn't be that happy.
I'm joking. Come on!
Ah!
Ohhh!
[hip-hop music]
Marlon, what you doing out here?
Well
I was gonna bust through
the kitchen door
like I normally do,
but then I realized I didn't have my
My key.
Okay, so here's the deal.
You got one shot.
You make it, you get your key back.
But I'ma get inside your head.
So I hope that your ball game
is better than your marriage game.
- Oh
- [laughing]
That hurt! Oh, you goin' there!
- Uh-huh!
- That hurt!
You better not talk about my mama.
- Oh, your mama?
- Yeah.
Yo' mama
never liked me.
Come and get it.
- [giggling]
- You ain't got that.
You ain't got that. Watch out, shorty.
- Look at that, look at that!
- Just stop poking
You know what?
I don't want the key back
because I made
a stupid basketball shot.
I only want the key back
if you want me to have it back.
Thank God
'Cause I didn't think I
could make it from here.
Oh, I know, Coach.
So
we back to having a cool divorce?
Let's try the
almost cool divorce.
I'm almost cool with that.
Hey, Zack,
you can close your bedroom window.
Mommy gave me the key back.