I’m not sure that I have a specific policy on computer instruction for seniors but you can be assured that “R” would apply in any and all circumstances where damned young people are interacting with us older folks. Try to remember that we weren’t raised in an environment in which “trolling,” “hacking” and “flaming” weren’t part of the kindergarten curriculum.

Thanks Don! FYI, As per your instruction (“R”) I’m currently giving a lesson to my mom, and we are visiting your site together. She thanks you profusely (and hopes to be computer savvy enough, in the near future, to sign up for your wisdom too)! I have linked your page to mine (for her convenience) 😉

You’ve covered all the required bases, Don. The simple fact they should shut the hell up and listen to their betters should be first and foremost. What other way will they learn to respect the wisdom of ages, as well as respect for us senior citizens and our vast store of invaluable knowledge? Certainly not today’s classroom or the street. Well said, Don, well said.

Good to see you back Mr. Mills. I’ll assume this new post means you’re back in your best chair and enjoying a (modest) sip of rye. I hope your brother Elgin is still in one piece. Having read the updates your brother York made in your absence, it sounds like he got himself in a quite a bit of trouble

But I digress. I must admit I was a bit puzzled by the “not too long, and not too firm” bit regarding the handshake. It has been my impression that seniors appreciate a firm handshake, as it indicates that the youngster in question has actually amassed some muscle tissue, which could imply that they are in fact doing something beside doughing in front of the computer. Or could even be gainfully employed(a weird concept, I know, but it happens).

I’m quite happy to be back and am indeed once again settled into my favorite chair. While my brother’s updates were certainly interesting I’m afraid they had no actual basis in reality. I suspect that York must have watched some damned Matt Helm film and either become confused or decided to simply fabricate some intrigue. In reality, I was called away to help tend to my sister-in-law who had an unfortunate fall. I don’t know how the hell York came up with Saudi Arabia but I do know he’s always been partial to shawarma.

But I digress as well.

I can appreciate your confusion on the hand shake. You’re quite right, we seniors do appreciate a firm grip (and for exactly the reasons you note). However, young people do need to be aware that a firm hand shake does not literally translate into a Sumatran death grip. There is a difference between civility and needing to display some alpha-dog mentality through a inappropriate demonstration of physical strength. Show me strength of character instead.

I quietly suspected York was letting his imagination getting the better of him, and since the man himself admits to take a liberal approach to reality, I figured he could have his fun. I sincerely hope the “how course” project was just a figment of his imagination(if you read this, York, an amusing read it was anyway).

But I digress again. It seems I can not help it, and I fear it’s hereditary. My grandmother has won the local digression championship four years in a row, this year frankly flooring the other competitors by turning a simple anecdote regarding the price of light-salted cod into a 5-hour session touching upon subjects like the medical conditions of every obscure relative, a rather elaborate thesis on the state of the monarchy vs. the increase in the number of coloured people on television, and of course damned young people. A teenager who for reasons unknown attended the championship I hear is still in a respirator.

Regarding the handshake, I completely follow your reasoning. It’s just when I think of seniors’ hands, I can’t help thinking of my late grandfathers hands, which were more or less all scar tissue from a lifetime of carpentry(I realize it might not sound like it, but he was extremely good at it, particularly making furniture. ). I’d have as much a chance of inflicting a noticeable bruise on his hand as I would have of punching through a brick wall.

I’ve always rather enjoyed the company of people who were prone to digression.

Your grandmother sounds like an interesting woman. It’s not everyone that can successfully navigate a monologue from cod to the queen mother to the multicultural make-up of modern day television without missing a beat.

She did in fact miss a few beats, but that was just about when the aforementioned teenager was carried out on a stretcher, so it wasn’t really noticed. Nobody’s perfect, after all.

Oh, and Queen Mother? You must presume I’m english. The norwegian royal house might not be a match for the english in terms of age and tradition, but at least we’ve got a fairly cuckoo princess. Too bad the royal palace doesn’t havbe any towers where she could be interred well away from the public eye.

-TJ

PS; I added a few suggestions to the excellent Fogeyopedia I hope you might enjoy.

PPS, the page format of this blog don’t half squeese an extended conversation to the right, does it?

Reminds me of the secret club me and one of my childhood buddies had in the crawlspace closet in my parents’ attic. Grown men on the other hand could easily get a reputation engaging in such activity, so I’ll cut it short.

York has never been a reliable source of information (much like our sister Erin) but in this instance I believe he is correct.

Elgin and I haven’t spoken in a good long time but despite the rumors and to the best of my knowledge he’s still alive and kicking. He’s certainly not the man he was 40 years ago but few of us are I’m afraid.

Priceless, funny, and extremely useful to self-centered folk who will probably never consider these points or read it. You are preaching to the choir, my friend, and the choir is singing loudly. When my grandfather fell asleep after telling great stories and sipping whiskey, I would gently take the glass from his hand, put a light blanket over him, and consider it a great honor that Mac spent a few fleeting moments of precious time with me. I would do anything to have those moments back, and his falling asleep was never an insult, just a sad end to my visit, from an old man that had seen more than enough, but took time to pass it along. Sorry, Don. I didn’t mean to get all wimpy on you. There’s just a lot of truth in your humor, and sometimes it opens up memories. I’m gonna watch “Gran Torino” again, just to see Clint squinting at those damn punks.

A very touching comment and I appreciate your sharing it with me. I’m sure your grandfather valued the time together as much as you did. It’s a shame more people don’t have the time or inclination to develop those kids of relationships with their elders anymore.

Ahh, Don. I remember a time (not so long ago, either!) when I probably would have been offended by at least a few of the things you write. But now I’m a 40-year old wife and mother of a 13-year old daughter (I like to say I’m 25 with 15 years experience, haha). Anyway, what I wanted to say is, YOU are my new hero and I want to print out every post you write and hand them out to my daughter’s friends! Keep up the good work!

What can I say? Due to professional obligations, my interaction with seniors usually involves asking them to remove their clothing, assisting them (modestly) to a comfortable position on a treatment table, and inquiring about recent discomforts. That said, it’s usually the best part of my day because the incidental conversation is conducted in complete sentences.

I think I can safely speak for all seniors when I say we appreciate the “modestly” aspect of your assistance and your interest in helping people into a comfortable position. There’s nothing worse than being poked, prodded or aggressively man-handled when you’re already in a compromising position.

Wonderful post, Don. Probably one of my fave top three. Loved it, loved it, loved it! All my life I have found seniors enchanting. Not sure why, but I always gravitated toward them. Perhaps because their character is in full bloom, their broad perspective from a life lived or perhaps because (unlike many of their young counterparts) they DO know jack shit. I always felt ‘safe’ and comfortable with the elderly, and genuinely cared. It was a visceral response and one that just came naturally. As a psychiatric nurse, more often than not, it was me who was nominated to take care of the more ornery ones. My specialty was anxiety-prone Jewish old women who needed ‘special handling’ and soothing. Since my best friends in life were always at least a decade (or more likely several decades) older than me, some of my old friends have passed on. How I would love the opportunity to once again approach from the front, make eye contact, offer a hand…

Glad you were able to pick up a few pointers. Personally, I don’t care if you kick my ass at rummy or if you decide to leave before MASH starts – those are minor matters. But scarfing down all my damned digestives before I’ve even had a chance to pour my tea? That’s one affront we seniors can’t abide.

I can’t help but laugh at the thought of groups of young ‘homies’ running around trying to rub ‘seniors’ tummies, pat them on the head while shouting in what can only be described as ‘text speak’. The world you have painted is grim and hilarious in it’s apparent reality. I am merely embarrassed by the geographical connection to shouty British man who didn’t like what you had done to the ice caps. Shame to have forgotten all the other wonderfully positive things that have been done by our now senior society. Anyway thanks for making me laugh and bringing a whole new dimension to my new blogging world.

I’m glad you’re able to laugh at the notion of tummy-rubbing homies – for me, it’s the stuff of nightmares.

No need to be embarrassed by the geographical connection to the serious-minded young man from England. At least he was able to put his thoughts together in some semblance of order – most of the emails I receive from young Americans are largely unreadable violent outbursts that rely heavily on the f-word. If nothing else, I admire his pluck.

Loved this post! I especially liked the part about not being patronizing. I think I’ve mentioned my husband’s unfortunate predilection towards treating his older patients like babies. I particularly hate “Dear”. He insists they love it. I think it’s just that he’s really big, and they don’t think they could take him down in a brawl.

My husband’s mom stayed with the boys for a bit while we were on vacation. My older son had no patience for anything. Listening to him whine about her not remembering how to get to “Penn Ave” last night made me want to abort him. I gave him a stern talking to. It didn’t work that well. I plied him with Jewish guilt. That worked much better.

You have mentioned your husband’s habit of treating his older patients like babies before but, to be fair, this isn’t the first time I’ve touched upon this theme. You might want to advise him to exercise some caution – someday he may find himself up against a small but wiry senior with a good left jab and nothing to lose.

You tell those boys to respect their grandmother. She may not remember how to get to Penn Ave but there’s a good chance she’ll remember to scrub their names out of her will.

You are the wisest man to ever live (except for Jesus…and maybe a few of the other guys in the Bible).
With your permission, I am going to print a few dozen copies of this post and hand them out in front of the game arcade in our mall. And, those damn heatherns better read them. If I catch any of them throwing them in the garbage (more likely on the ground), I am going to go into Angry Biotch mode, jump on their backs, pummel them about the head and shoulders and pinch their skinny little upper arms until they literally cry (or scream fo a mall cop). It’s time that the elderly are shown some respect!

Keep up the good work of trying to educate those ungrateful and disrespectful ingrates.

PS…If I get arrested, I promise not to give up any info about where I copied the stuff. And, I’m a woman of my word! However, I would appreciate it if you would pass the hat for bail money for me.

I appreciate your offer to take the fight to the front lines and, if necessary, beat some damned sense into these young people. The movement needs more “senior soldiers” prepared to do what it takes to set things right.

If you do end up attacking a young person and getting arrested you’ll have no worries. Once word gets around my seniors centre we’ll quickly gather more than enough bail money to get you out and likely have enough left over to erect a small statue as a measure of our appreciation.

PS…Was in Goodwill last week and saw a lovely chair that would match your sofa perfectly. Started to buy it for you but couldn’t figure out how to ship it for less than a hundred bucks. However, I could deliver it in person and we could have a nice lunch and chat!

welcome back, don! we missed you (but we’ll aim more carefully next time).

when will these be printed up, laminated, and distributed in junior high schools throughout the country? put some cowboy hats on some of those people, and that asswipe, gov. little ricky goodhair perry, will buy millions of them for the texas school system.

If reaching a wider audience means having to purchase a laminator, visiting damned junior high schools and wearing cowboy outfits I think I’ll just stick to posting things up on the internets. It sounds like significantly less aggravation.

We have brochures of your sort in this area telling people not to feed the bears, not to antagonize the buffalo, not to harass the wildlife and they don’t read them. Nobody’s happy until they get mauled, gored or trampled. I see the same problem with your guide. Damned young people can’t/won’t read them and they will be surprised when they get whacked over the head with a cane.

Comforting to know that a few young people have a basic understanding of how to treat a senior. The beer’s a nice touch too. I know that when I’m in the presence of young people I generally appreciate an alcoholic beverage or two.

I know I’ve said this before, but I find it amazing that even though your body is deteriorating at rapid speeds, your posts just seem get better and better.

I can’t believe you didn’t tell me that you wrote acrostic poetry. “Senior” is a lovely piece, Don. You should think about submitting it to one of those geriatric-friendly literary magazines. Believe it or not, some of them pay up to .20 per word and you retain the rights to your work. (I only know this because Auntie D used to dabble in Elderly Erotica.)

Anyway, great work, Don. I’d compliment you some more, but I really should go call my Grandmother and apologize. Can you believe I spent all these years playfully flicking the bottom of her chin, saying “Nice ‘waddle’, Gammy!”

It has been so wonderful reading your blog! Thankyou for all your wisdom. I am, I suppose, a young person in your eyes at 28 years old… However, sometimes I feel as though I surrendered my youth in the womb, as it doesn’t seem suit me all that well.
I am about to direct a devised theatre performance with a group of teenagers and a group of seniors. We will all need to work together, and I am somewhat trepidatious for all the reasons you have so wittily illustrated here.
I was wondering if I could share your Guide with the youngsters I will be working with? I am positive it will cushion potential dangers for the rather brave seniors involved.
After my experience, perhaps I will attempt a complimentary guide “How to Interact with Youth: a guide for Crabby Old Farts.” I will certainly keep you posted.

Please feel free to share the guide with whomever you like. I don’t know what a devised theatre performance is but as long as there is plenty of singing, dancing and the occasional pratfall you should make out just fine.

Please let me know how it all turns out. And if you do prepare a complimentary guide, I’d love to see it.

Thanks for this post Don, both for its wise, humorous content and its pleasing graphic design. I can see why your local seniors group nixed it, since it pokes fun at just about everyone, and we are all too well aware that the sense of humor is one of the first things to go when senility sets in.

Your Lesson One is perfect advice for approaching and engaging people of any age. Yes, perfect.

I can only hope that when my eighth decade approaches, I have half the wit and humor you share on these pages of yours. Goddammit.

Sorry I haven’t come around sooner! This is a great post, lots of laughs and very true. I particularly like the “Stay calm” instruction. No, aging isn’t contagious. It’s just inevitable if you live long enough. . .

I assume you mean the venerable Lily Fossil. I’m pleased to advise that Lily did not run away with Elgin or (despite his best efforts) become entangled in a romantic liaison with York.

I corresponded with Lily a while ago and she advised me that she had decided to cancel her internet connection at home. She felt she was beginning to spend far too much time on-line and didn’t want to fall into the same trap so many damned young people do. A remarkably wise decision on her part (I’d expect nothing less) but I do miss her comments tremendously.

Thank you, Don for hoping I am well. but I am not. I am mourning the loss of Lily. She never said good-bye. I will now have to look at the picture of Mrs. White from my board game Clue to remember her elegance and beauty. Did she not know how many lives she would affect by her decision?

Maybe she could borrow the library’s computer. Maybe you could tempt her with some trading cards. Maybe …

I’m working on a special post lad that I want you to come back and read. It’s all about addressing the damned misconceptions and cruel stereotypes young people perpetuate about us kind old seniors. Wandering, senility, funny smells, falling….I’ll be setting the damned record straight once and for all.

I appreciate the suggestion a great deal. All the damned young people waiting until they are in their mid-fifties before having fertilization-drug enriched sextuplets is are a source of some angst for me as well. I think it would make an excellent post and thank you for the prompt.

And, by the way, while I admire the logic in assessing my age at 38, I’m afraid you’re not even close.

All the best for the kind words and thanks for visiting. Always good to hear from you.

I’ve been complimented many times for my handshake. And I’m a female thirteen-year-old. With a streak of purple in my hair.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I gotta say this is pretty accurate. I know a couple people who try and hide behind me whenever my grandpa comes to say hi while we’re loitering on the front porch. (A.K.A: Drinking sodas and talking about how much Twilight sucks.) But then again, my grandpa could make Chuck Norris cry for momma.

And I totally agree with the unisex thing. It just wouldn’t let me comment.

I just stumbled across your blog (your guide on how young nitwit males should dress was on the wordpress home page) and I’ve been laughing since I got here. I’m sharing this with some of my friends that would appreciate your humor as much as I do. Cheers!

1. Get clothes that fit, and wear the damned things!
2. No, your hair hangin’ in your eyes isn’t a)cute or b)anything new.
3. Unless it has real singing it isn’t a “song”…look it up.
4. What makes you think I wanna hear your “music” coming from your car? Anything?
5. Do not ever answer a question with 1)a shrug or 2)”I dunno” or 3)”Yeah or Nah”..complete sentences, use them.

Being new to the whole blogging world, I only discovered your blog yesterday so I have a few back-issues to catch up on (which I’m very much looking forward to reading). What I’ve read so far is fantastic – you provide a unique and fresh perspective to this new-fangled online tool and you’ve imparted some wonderfully humorous instructions. I particularly enjoyed reading this guide to senior interaction, but I must say I was even more entertained by the conversation between you and TJ that appeared underneath. It seems the young people who designed this blog format didn’t account for two-way conversations via post. A real inconvenience.

It’s a pity your group nixed the piece, but I’m glad you chose to post it here. I shared it on Facebook in the hopes that some of the people I know who are a little less than courteous to their elders will read it and learn something.

I know it’ll freak you out since I’m checking your blog out for the first time (congrats on being FP-ed, by the way Ü), but I think I’m in love! If I weren’t 28 years old, my idea of having a good time would be to hang out with you so we can diss the young ones, old-school style! Also, you echo my mom (63yo) and my dad (67yo) a lot, but unlike them, you’re not as annoying. (Just kidding, I loooove my ‘rents! =DDD) But seriously, I will definitely be back to read more of your stuff. Keep writing!

Hi Don-
Just stumbled across your blog – very entertaining and right on the money. However, most seniors have to realize that we really have the young’uns right where we want them – anytime you think they’re becoming partially threatening, just remind them who has so much more to lose – hell, I think Clint Eastwood’s dad could have taken anyone in “Gran Torino”. What are they going to do – throw me in jail for “life”? I might be there long enough to get my athlete’s foot under control…