Wednesday, August 19, 2009

On Monday 10th August 2009 at about 7.09pm, after Ed had just finished trying to jam on a guitar that was hurting his fingers, I said to Ed "hey Ed, let's go to Pulled Apart By Horses now because it's nearly 7.10' and we said bye to Buddy the cat who has some pretty nasty mental issues, due to my Arnold Schwangnigger impressions. Sorry Buddy.

When we arrived at The Cellars at approximately 7.35pm Ed 'had a go' at me because we were 'early'. "OH TOMW WE ARE ALWAYS EARLY TO GIGS" he cried. "OH TOMW WHY ARE YOU SUCH A HOMO?" Well, Ed, this time YOU WERE WRONG. As was clearly stated to us by Mr. Cellars, the owner of The Cellars at Eastney, a rather dashing venue in central Portsmouth and to the right a bit that was recently featured in the local evening news appealing to the general public to "come the fuck down and buy some beer", doors opened at HALF SEVEN. Fucktard.

Mr. Cellars soon spotted us and kept saying "DON'T WORRY GUYS! we're opening any minute now!" Eventually he said "we're opening in 10 seconds!" but it took a further 10 seconds after that. During this time we were the only dudes there, but then RIGHT ON CUE 2/3 of Mammoth! Mammoth! turned up and they stood behind us, fearing our presence. However we quickly joined them when PABH's Tom and Lee and hot girl walked past like they were celebrities or something. They just kind of stared and walked on by because they are PUNK ROCK like that.

[Photo of Chav/Punk band by Tom]

Once inside we bought Cokes and prepared our cameras for the amazing spectacle we expected ahead of us. The first band came on very soon after being told to 'get off the stage' by some guy several minutes earlier. It was at this point I was completely FUCKED IN THE MIND. First thing, they didnt even tell us their band name. Second thing, it was fronted by 2 chavs in some funny t-shirts and tracksuit bottoms and kswiss trainers with chains. Oh, and their guitarist was a 1970s Ramones fanboy straight out of a time machine. Like WHAT IS UP WITH THIS. Me and Ed laughed constantly throughout their set which included bad covers of Beastie Boys - Fight For Your Right and Rage Against The Nachine - Sleep Now In The Fire. It's like they learnt the freaking songs off Guitar Hero. The dude next to me said 'Hey! This is my favourite song in GH!' and at this point I lost faith in humanity and took a picture. Hopefully it'll come out bad and I can forget this part ever happened.

[Photo of Villiers Terrace by Ed]

Next up were Villiers Terrace. Now, after seeing this other band my head was already raped and these guys just added to the rapeness, but in a kinda good way. Their bassist was completely frozen in time, taking shoegaze to A WHOLE NEW LEVEL. Like he didnt even blink. I think the front guy was on crystal meth and I believe he is Miles Baker's lost cousin twice removed, because DAMN this guy looked like Miles Baker, and holy shit did he spazz out. He kept rolling his eyes around and diving into a door that nobody was even using and then at the end of every song they would just stand and drip sweat everywhere and then make up a new song. Seriously I think they formed like a month ago and just made up all their songs there and then. I did enjoy it to some extent though, it was definitely an experience.

The next band, Hold Fast, had a really hot girl in it, so me and Ed took pics. Musically I thought they were gonna just burst into some kind of Rolo Tomassi half-covers, but they decided to go all synthy and poppy and sometimes semi-scream down a megaphone. There was a dude in a girls blouse and silver eyeliner and another dude who was a blonde Patrick Wolf idolizer. I didn't really get it. To be honest, it was rubbish, in fact it was rubbish ever since the girl sang and didn't just jump into some radcore skramz shoutfest blowout. And anyway by this point all anyone cared about was PULLED APART BY RAPISTS.

[Photo of Pulled Apart By Horses by Tom]

So they came on and James said "HEY PORTSMUFF!" and nobody really said anything back, other than the 3 PABH fanboys who are at literally every gig around getting smashed and trying to make James 'do a barrel roll' (to which he does, by spazzing his head about). James said 'who likes high fives' and I said YEAH and put my hand out and we kinda like... just felt each others hands up. One of us killed the moment and I am pretty sure it was me. James you cunt (<3). But anyway, they played a sweet set bros, as you can imagine they tore shit up. They stood on stools, they crawled on the floor, they kind of ate a banana and then James threw it at the barrel roll dudes who took a bite and threw it back. People were kind of rocking out but there were too many hipsters around who just kind of nod their heads like 'yeah bro I am TOTALLY feeling this shit' but me and Ed were just at the front taking snaps and METAPHORICALLY MOSHING. It was rad.

After playing new songs 'We Shit Hits' and 'Back To The Fuck Yeah', PABH played their last song everybody cares about 'hey guys I think we just punched that lion in it's throat (is it okay do you think?)'. I felt this song was pretty good. But it wasn't cool when they just left, I swear something at The Cellars makes the band think 'oh fuck. We've played TOOO MUCH. RUN AWAY NOW' and they just leg it out the back door. I don't get it? Oh well.

In conclusion PABH are a pretty cool band and you should see them sometime as long as it doesn't cost 8 pounds sterling because I feel cheated by the Beastie Boys.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Nathan Williams doesn't wanna leave home because he has something at the back of his brain. Ooooh oooh oooh oooooh oooooh. Although if home was what "Wavves" and "Wavvves" sounded like, he's already packed up his polaroid camera, stash of weed and favourite plaid shirt and gone. Looks like he's moved right next door to Animal Collective too. Maybe he's even sharing an apartment with them. That would've been some house-warming party.

His theoretical new housemates must have influenced his new song "Mickey Mouse", cos it sounds like AnCo were playing a new song in their bedroom whilst Wavves was singing in the bath on top of their beats, fuzzed up through the walls, unknowingly recording it all somehow. Is he being ironic? Or is he (so) bored of his previous sound? We'll have to wait and see what happens.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

So in case you didn't know, Arctic Monkeys' third album leaked earlier this week and although I haven't downloaded it I know from the 30 seconds I've heard of 'Crying Lighting' that I'd probably gain greater pleasure sticking a cheese grater up my arse and bopping down a hill on a space hopper than hearing the rest of the album. Don't get me wrong, I used to be as keen as any other young 16 year old boy to jump to the defence of Alex Turner and his pals, but they've let me down. "But they've gone in a darker direction" wail the fanboys with their cocks firmly still up Turner's arse. Since when has the definition of 'darker' been slowing your songs down to a mind-numbingly boring tempo and singing lyrics so metaphorically shit that he may as well be fapping into the microphone?

So the vibe you should be picking up from the above paragraph is come 24th August, purchasing Humbug should be the last thing on your mind. But OH NO! What will you do with that extra £10 you were going to finance Turner's cocaine habit with? Well, how about you take that money and spend it on the giant car boot sale-come-record shop that is Amazon Marketplace. Here is a list of ten - yes, ten! - albums that you can get for the same price.

XX Teens - Welcome To Goon Island - £1.11They seemed to play every festival going last year and that probably makes them feel a little better about the fact people are selling their album so cheaply only a couple of months after it was released.

Hot Club De Paris - Drop It 'Till It Pops - £1A completely essential album, most underrated album of 2006 without a doubt. Still get shivers every time I hear 'Hello I Wrote A Song For You Called "Welcome To The Jungle"'.

Elle Milano - Acres Of Dead Space Cadets£1.49If DITIP was the most underrated album of 2006 the same can be said for Elle Milano's debut for 2008, maybe that's why they've both been relegated to the Internet bargain bin.

Pulp - Different Class - 92pThe only way to party like it's 1995 on a budget of 92p. If you've got a bit of a bigger budget for 1995 nostalgia, try Elefun

Blur - The Great Escape - 98pWith their recent comeback gigs, what better way to remind yourself of when they were a lot more exciting than gathering some penny's together and buying this?

Grandaddy - The Sophtware Slump - £1.28Probably the most obscure album on this list, and another massively underrated band. Pavement'esque college rock. Brooooooken Houseeeeeeehold Appliance.

Help She Can't Swim - The Death Of Nightlife - 94pSomeone recently said "aren't you a bit too old to be listening to them?"I said "FUCK YOU. If I feel like listening to HSCS and feeling like I'm having a 13 year old girl's tantrum... I will!"

Wheatus - S/T - 1pYes 1p! Worth it just for the nostalgic rush of hearing "A Little Respect". Fuck "Teenage Dirtbag" - that was just an anthem for middle class teenage girls who gave their boyfriends blow jobs in the toilets at the school disco.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

It's time to get rad and it doesn't get much radder than Chicago's Lautrec. Musically, they can be compared to Native - glistening 90s emo-esque guitars, however the drums and vox are where the hardcore side of Lautrec shines through. The lyrics are shouted and screamed in an almost sloppy style over the disjointed yet complex guitar lines and thrashing drums which move from delicate feathering to intense drum-rolls through instant rhythm changes. In the two years they have been around, they've put out split releases with Ghost Towns, Native, Mans. and Lion of the North; pretty much every cool band in the neighbourhood.

I think the best way to describe Lautrec's music would be well organised chaos, constrained but agitated, trimmed into easily consumable 3 minute tunes.So put them on repeat and as said before, get rad.