Simon Cowell nixes Christ on BGT

Christ was stopped before he could pull thirty pieces of silver from behind Amanda Holden's ear.

A contestant claiming to be Christ reincarnate, of the line of David, returned to redeem the chosen, appeared on Britain's Got Talent in Cardiff, Wales on Monday, but was rejected early into his act.

The Son of God, dressed in magic act garb, performed three miracles. He cast his top hat to the ground, and from it burst forth a white rabbit and two doves. He levitated without the aid of strings-as shown by the passing of a hoop around his suspended body, and he produced several pocket handkerchiefs from his left sleeve.

While this act was very effective in the days of Herod, according to the Lord, Simon Cowell gave it "a definite NO." Cowell also seemed to doubt the Lord's identity, saying, "Son, if you were really Christ, I very much doubt you would choose Wales to make your appearance," drawing cross retorts from the audience.

Christ had hoped to use the large viewership established by the Susan Boyle phenomenon to reach the hearts of mankind "without all that walking about in the desert eating locusts and honey." He admitted that his previous modus operandi of telling parables had worked better, but doubted any station other than local community cable would be interested in a parable show.

"How many people is that going to reach-like 10 maybe," He said.

"I'm thinking of going with a movie script instead-even if it goes straight to video, I could spread my message of Messianic victory of the Jews over the hated Roman occupiers and their puppets at the Temple. I'm shopping a treatment now, so if you know anyone who could get it into the right hands, you know, I'd appreciate it."

The Son of God, when informed that his message had been rewritten to one of everlasting life in the hereafter for all mankind who seek forgiveness through Him, said, "Yeah, well you can be a purist and never have your work see the light of day, or you can give up control and maybe get a blockbuster. It's a tradeoff, obviously. I'm thinking of maybe putting some videos out on YouTube to address that problem, but I'm not sure about the production values of a homemade."

Asked if he had considered getting the word out through churches, he noted that Susan Boyle has sung in churches for years and was never discovered that way. "I might as well preach to myself in the shower for all the good that'll do me," said the Son.