Welcome

Welcome to the POZ Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and
others concerned about HIV/AIDS. Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the
conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning: Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive
and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a
username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own
physician.

All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators
of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ community forums.

We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please
provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are
true and correct to their knowledge.

Author
Topic: How Do you Cope with all this Shit (Read 15260 times)

1st off, most of you know me, at least here in these forums you do, I was interested in sharing with you all some of my struggles, fears, and the way I learned to cope with shit on a daily basis, I suppose you can call it dealing with life, if you will, for me it was always difficult being of interracial heritage, being Gay, Bi on the down-load and having HIV/AIDS or whatever you want to call it...

it's like a triple whammy so to speak, kinda like the 3 strikes and your out thing, and to me it seems that no matter how hard I try, those 3 issues always rear their ugly head, I mean, you'd really have to walk a mile in my shoes to really understand this, it's difficult to explain what my life has been in my 54 yrs on this earth...

you can say that bigotry racism & ignorance doesn't matter, and that most intelligent people don't care, but, I for one I'm living proof of this, and I can tell you all, that it still exist, it's there, just under the surface, LOL.ok so, I know a lot of you might not be feeling the love at this point, and you may not agree with me on this tender subject...

what I'm trying to convey, is no matter how hard I try, that alwaysseem to be an issue, and someone out there will always tell me, that "you aren't what & who you say you are, I didn't want to post this anywhere else, so I thought it was more appropriate in the metal health thread , I'm sure a lott of you that know me for who & what I'm, might be having a little hard time with all of this, but, right now I really need your support, cause I'm having a really tough time right now, and this was very difficult to even write & post, I'm just as human as all of you here, but right now, I'm just not doing very well at this, so please forgive me

How do you all cope, even after 23 yrs of this disease, it'sstill sometimes difficult for me, without the proper coping mechanisms, I don't want to go to my doctor and tell her all this shit, and have her put me on a lott of meds, I've been there and done that many times before in the past, and I'm not wanting to be drug-seeking in any way

« Last Edit: March 19, 2011, 10:50:36 AM by denb45 »

Logged

"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

I'm unclear as to what's been bothering you recently to bring you to your posting. Has something changed recently that's really got you stirred up, or, ground down?

What I think you've written, please correct me if I'm wrong, is that you've met a person or people who don't think you're being honest or straightforward about who you are. And, they let you know about it. Is that accurate? If so, then that gives us something to discuss in terms of who you're meeting, and how, and what the expected outcome is.

Maybe there are others here who know you a lot better who can figure out what's causing you such increased mental pain.

Rather than go to your doctor, do you have access to counseling at an ASO or through your healthcare provider?

No, it's just dealing with all this shit, no one has done anything to me in that way or comforted me about who I'm, sometimes, it all get's to me, and i think most of us here can understand, LOL the last time I went and talked to someone @ my ASO, they tried to pick me up, so, I got very upset and left, this wasabout 8 yrs ago back in 2002, I don't think that person even works there anymore, to me, it was kinda an insult when they did that to me also, it's difficult to talk to anyone @ my ASO, just being in a serodiscordant relationship kinda makes me the outcast so to speak.....I've Stop going there, causeof this yrs ago, they used to say some very nasty things, about me being in a relationship with a non-pozzie

« Last Edit: March 19, 2011, 11:13:50 AM by denb45 »

Logged

"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

It's ok, and thanks for your imput, yes, we talk all the time my Partner & I, he hates my local ASO, because of this, it really has nothing to do with him, and he doesn't have AIDS, so we try to stay away form there, at least he does, my new ASO workers is a very nice guy, he understands of a lot this crap and I'm sure Mark does too

« Last Edit: March 19, 2011, 11:34:31 AM by denb45 »

Logged

"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Dennis, sorry to read your posting but recognizing that there's a problem is the first step. I'm not big on mental health meds personally, but they can help as a band-aid short term, but IMO the only way out of a hole is regular one-on-one talk therapy. Have you tried this recently?

Since I've still not got a foothold on what's really got you down right now save for the triple whammy you referenced...and you're not headed to the ASO...I'm going to give you a current thing I use for my post-winter ick, recently sick, totally behind on life stuff, and more....

I look at what is going on in Japan (and many other places) and I think...

I have water, family, friends, roof overhead, medicine, food, clothing, survivable temperatures, transportation, employment and that's a good enough list for me to stop some of the internal sewage from backing up.

Not having one or any of those things can be hugely problematic, but getting too strung out that I don't have a beau or spouse, that I haven't had sex in years, that I'd like to lose ten pounds, that I wish there weren't meanies at work, or criminals in the neighborhood, or fuckheads in every level of government, and on and on---those issues truly pale by comparison to not having water, not having people who know and love me, etc.

I use this sort of thinking when I need to kick myself in the ass to get moving forward, stop ruminating, and most of all start appreciating what I have or have access to and then, I make sure I pass some of it along in whatever form it can be passed along.

Does this make some sense? It probably doesn't work for everyone, but it gets me on my feet and on to the next action as I might be able to help someone, ultimately, who's worse off than I if I keep my act a little bit together. It gives perspective which is sometimes what we need whether we have HIV or not.

I see Miss P has posted ...and I'll also add that I definitely seek counsel when I need it.

Dennis, sorry to read your posting but recognizing that there's a problem is the first step. I'm not big on mental health meds personally, but they can help as a band-aid short term, but IMO the only way out of a hole is regular one-on-one talk therapy. Have you tried this recently?

No not really, I think I have a good handle on things sometimes, and, I'm not really in a hole, so to speak, I like my my life with my other half, and I'm happy for the most part, I don't want to change anything, I think I'll be ok......

I'm a lot like all of you, sometimes, shit happens, and you deal with it the best you can, David, thank you, and I do appreciate your valued input, and as I'ved stated before, I'm not really drug seeking, I understand it can help sometimes, your sweet and thanks for your support

« Last Edit: March 19, 2011, 12:02:58 PM by denb45 »

Logged

"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Hi Den ... I'm sorry you are hurting and I have no earth shattering advice to give on these issues .

I can say that when I have tried to address my own issues I ran into a wall of sorts , after all these things can be really difficult to pin down or articulate . I decided to except myself as I am , a bit bruised but not broken . Its the best I can do for myself at this time and I bet I'm not that much diffrent than lots of other guys our age .

Hi Den ... I'm sorry you are hurting and I have no earth shattering advice to give on these issues .

I can say that when I have tried to address my own issues I ran into a wall of sorts , after all these things can be really difficult to pin down or articulate . I decided to except myself as I am , a bit bruised but not broken . Its the best I can do for myself at this time and I bet I'm not that much diffrent than lots of other guys our age .

Your not, I think that's a great analogy Jeff, I like this one "Please help me accept the things I can or cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference"

Logged

"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Yes, it could be worse I do have a lot of things to do, and things that help out my mind. so yeah, i can relate, thanks for taking the time to post, it helps a lot you know

I'm glad you took my post in the spirit intended...in no way did I want to minimize how you're feeling by suggesting comparison as a technique. Mental pain is pain no matter what!! But I shared with you how I try to psyche myself because we've all gotta face stuff no matter how tough we are or where we live. Hey, by the way, if the weather is good where you are, there's nothing like a brisk walk to shake up your mood. Ah springtime!

I think we all feel stuck in a rut at times, regardless of what it is that causes it.

Many health issues beyond our control weigh heavily and the struggles associated with them affect our perspective on things/life in general. Further, as humans, we need some interaction with others (I am not talking about the type of interaction one would get from a partner). Basically, the need to be understood AND accepted by others is important. The lack of that understanding/acceptance can cause frustration as well as retreat in some instances. That may play into how you are feeling currently.

OK, just my 2 cents here from my limited knowledge of you: Do you have anything in your life currently that you are really looking forward to accomplishing? (not expecting an answer here but throwing that out as a thought.) Are there financial worries currently that are overwhelming? Is there a definable purpose to the current path your life is taking you down? These are the things personally that affect me the most at this point in my life. I think you are a very sane and actually an intelligent man and without minimizing your post, and already have what it takes to deal with how you are feeling. You just need to sort it out a bit with or without the help of a therapist. Best to you!

Nope, just old age and a few health issues, I cannot seem to resolve currently, but I'm working with my GI-Doctor on some of them, it's not money, (I'm basically retired) it's not love, and it's defiantly not sex, I'm fine in that dept. I don't know how old your are, but, when you get to a certain age, you come to realize and understand a lot of things

« Last Edit: March 19, 2011, 02:19:31 PM by denb45 »

Logged

"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

I am, sorry that you are/where struggling but I am not surprised.Negotiating our paths to what we want and what we expect is differcult If you are sensitive enough to be affected by the world around it can get very hard indeed.

I benefited 27 years ago from 1 to 1 therapy for a period off 4 years, I was lucky I had a wise therapist and the process worked for me.I still benefit from it .

You have hinted that life has often been differcult, but at the same time you have managed to have craved out comfort and care for yourself and I think also given that to others.

It can only be a hunch but I think you would use one to one therapy well even enjoying it.

take care lovetheyer

Logged

"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ." Tony Benn

Nope, just old age and a few health issues, I cannot seem to resolve currently, but I'm working with my GI-Doctor on some of them, it's not money, (I'm basically retired) it's not love, and it's defiantly not sex, I'm fine in that dept. I don't know how old your are, but, when you get to a certain age, you come to realize and understand a lot of things

I turn 50 this year and yes, one does realize and understand a lot of things with maturity. Best to you Dennis!

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling down. I can relate to some of the things you post such as being of mixed racial heritage. I, in addition, have Baptist and Jewish parental religions thrown in for bit of fun and flavor. I am also a few years older than you and have been HIV+ for 26 years.

I suspect that you get reflective from time to time and think about wonderful physical feelings (no pains, aches) and clear unobstructed joyful or just smooth mental states and then current trying/challenging life situations interrupt the reverie. This tends to happen to some of us as we get older when we compare preferred and current states.

Dennis, you are so fortunate in many ways to have a partner, finances, health care, and a roof over your head. I insert this, not to minimize your current challenges, just to state the facts as you presented them.

I too am not a fan of the "less talk...more pills" mental healthcare regimen. I suggest that you seek 1 to 1 counseling, as others have, to help you through this.

I hope my little 1 pence worth makes sense.

I wish you the very best.

Take care of yourself.

Logged

"He is my oldest child. The shy and retiring one over there with the Haitian headdress serving pescaŪto frito."

@ One Tampa, yes, I'm very fortunate, so thanks for that one, and YES, as you well know old age is a realBitch too, it just get's worse as you get older, so, what I'm gonna do, is try not to over-think it, and just accept it and move on, again thanks for your very kind words, they were helpful

Logged

"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

@ Theyer , you have been thur a great deal, as I have read some of your postings, good for you Comment dully noted, if things turn worse for me, I'll be sure to look into that, it shouldn't be a problem getting somehelp if it's really needed, but w/ current State budget-cuts and sky-high-health ins. premiums, if I do need that it may be a little difficult, I may end up jumping thur a few hoops and dealing w/ my ASO, I'd rather NOT go that route, if I don't have to, but many Thanks

Logged

"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Now there, isn't that better, you see, I'm a nice guy, I don't bite, nice to meet you James

LOL... its ok and its a pleasure to make your acquaintance too Dennis. I think back when I first setup my account here, I was not too sure about using my name so I went with the hope_for_a_cure thing. Hell, I post my pictures on here now and dont even think twice about it.

LOL... its ok and its a pleasure to make your acquaintance too Dennis. I think back when I first setup my account here, I was not too sure about using my name so I went with the hope_for_a_cure thing. Hell, I post my pictures on here now and dont even think twice about it.

Are you a ginger (Red Hair) how fun

Logged

"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Not a red head here BUT I do have a weakness for hot red headed men! My hair is dark brown (the part that is not turning grey) and I have brown eyes. When I lived in Charleston and went to the beach a lot my skin was cocoa beige most of the summer.... I just splotch now if I go out in the sun for too long. I will just blame it on the meds.

Not a red head here BUT I do have a weakness for hot red headed men! My hair is dark brown (the part that is not turning grey) and I have brown eyes. When I lived in Charleston and went to the beach a lot my skin was cocoa beige most of the summer.... I just splotch now if I go out in the sun for too long. I will just blame it on the meds.

Yeah I'm sun baby, grew up in LA (Long Beach), I miss California a lot, it will always be my Home, it can get very hot here in ABQ, and you have to be very careful, 1 hour in the sun here in the summer, is like 4 hours on the beach in Miami @ least the UV-rays are

Logged

"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

I don,t know if these cost cutting tricks will travel but one way off getting cheaper therapy is to see if there are any training guilds/Hospital dept whose students need patients, as every study into the effectiveness off therapy highlights the importance off the relationship establish in the therapeutic setting and the students work in the reputable UK guilds is watched over like a hungry vulture's ---can be usefull------ love care and all that stuffmhtv

P/S-Dennis I hope you don,t have to go this route also just had to leave the above in case

« Last Edit: March 20, 2011, 05:27:11 PM by Theyer »

Logged

"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ." Tony Benn

Well at this point, the only problem I'm having to deal with is the lack of a strong support system, other than my otherhalf that's about it, and no amount of antidepressant drugs or any type of therapy is going to fix this, I'm the only one who can, and I'm working on this the best way I know how, many of you here on thisforum seem to think that therapy is the answer, but that only works on some people, and not everyone I've been on the drug-therapy-go-round before, it wasn't very helpful to me, sometimes we have to do a little soul-searching to open up new and interesting avenues, it's great for the physice

« Last Edit: March 20, 2011, 06:32:08 PM by denb45 »

Logged

"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974