Hello Campers. Welcome to your weekly dance lesson. May I interest you in a nice champagne? Maybe some strawberries? No matter how funny Sherri’s bouncing boobies are, this is a CLASSY show, yo.

Before we begin, let me start by saying that I made a slight error last week. Unlike American Idol, who changes the voting phone numbers each week, depending on the order in which a contestant sings, DWTS keeps the original number that they were assigned in Week.One.

So, you can vote for Donald and Peta every Monday for ONE HOUR after the show ends by texting “VOTE” to 3403 (AT&T customers), calling 1-800-868-3403 to vote by phone, or go to ABC.com and vote online . Let’s see. Last night, I voted 12 times by text, 12 times by cell phone, 12 times by landline, 12 times at ABC.com using my work e-mail address and 12 times at ABC.com using my Comcast home e-mail address. What? Too much? Nahhhh.

Let’s get to it.

1. Roshon & Chelsie (Quickstep) 26/30: It was good. But I think the judges got a little too excited right out of the gate. I really don’t think he should be tied for the top score of the night. Not by any means. But, DWTS is an ABC show. ABC is owned by Disney. Rashon is on a Disney Channel show….are you seeing the connection? And the fix?

Now, Rashon. You do realize the demographic of the average DWTS viewer, right? They don’t know Hip Hop. They don’t care about Hip Hop. So quit trying to tell everyone how good you are at Hip Hop, because the only way you’re ever gonna do Hip Hop on this show is if you make the Finals. Then you can bust out as much Hip Hop as you want. Until then, shut it. By the way, do you shave, yet? I’m thinking the answer to that question is NO. Oh, and one other thing. STOP talking about “swag.” Boys have swag. Men have style.

2. Sherri &Val (Jive) 23/30: Okay, I think Sherri is hilarious. She keeps me laughing in her practice footage, her dance routine and with her follow-up comments. I like her (and I really like her partner…yumm). However….they SCREWED UP. Everyone noticed because it was so damn obvious. It wasn’t a “blink and you miss it” bad step. It was a “Oh, shit. I’m totally lost….now what do I do? Oh, I’ll just shimmy my ta-ta’s around until Val grabs me and tells me what to do next,” moment. To Sherri’s credit, she’s a performer, so she covered it well. However, major screw ups do not deserve 8′s no matter how well you sell them. Like Rashon, Sherri is on an ABC show. Get used to the judges overscoring both of them.

3. Melissa & Maks (Quickstep) 20/30: Well. Half-Pint had a major malfunction in her routine, as well. It was slightly less noticeable than Sherri’s. However, Melissa does not have Sherri’s comedic timing, large, jiggly breastesses, or ability to cover up the flaws in her dance. She also looks like she’s thinking about it too much instead of letting it come freely. And then there’s also the fact that the judges do not get along with Maks, and his partners generally pay the price for that, sometimes unfairly. Unlike Sherri, Melissa was scored appropriately for someone who screwed up.

4. Jack & Anna (Jive) 21/30: Lord that was the most Caucasian Jive I have ever seen in my life. Nice, but stiff. For the second week in a row, I felt like I needed caffeine after watching that bland, totally nondescript dance. The Jive is not supposed to be nice. It’s supposed to be hot . But there was no hotness in that dance whatsoever.

5. Gladys & Tristan (Quickstep) 19/30: Len? A FIVE ? She’s 67 years old. She’s not gonna come out there and whip around the stage like a teenager. Yes, her Quickstep was slower and more careful than the others. Because she’s SIXTY SEVEN YEARS OLD . Her partner knew better than to send a music legend to the cardiac unit by making the dance too difficult. And even though it was slow, she didn’t screw up, unlike a couple women before her. Yet, you gave her a five . Please adjust your Metamucil dosage before the show, Len. I think you might be slightly irregular. As six would have gotten your point across. A five was demeaning.
6. Katherine & Mark (Jive) 26/30: I wondered if the classically trained, proper British opera singer could pull off a sassy, sexy, and energetic Latin dance. This just in. She can. It was the best routine of the night. The question remains if she can make it to the Finals, as fans in this country really didn’t know who she was until last Monday night. If voters go on her dance skills , not if she’s smokin’ hot, like they do for William (for the record, she’s cute, young and blond), she should make it to the Final show. But, voting fanbases are powerful, and it wouldn’t be the first time a good dancer got screwed because a less skilled dancer had a bigger voting fanbase….or was partnered with a dance pro with a large fanbase.

7. Jaleel & Kym (Jive) 22/30: Was it bad? Nope, but compared to last week, it was disappointing. First of all, he had to follow a great performance by Katherine, which would have been difficult for anyone, but second, the dance was a little Urkel-esque. No, he wasn’t doofy, clumsy and annoying, like Urkel. He didn’t bust out the Urkel highwaters, suspenders and huge glasses. He was just….bland. Jaleel White may not be as doofy as the character he played on television, but he seems pretty straight laced in real life. If it weren’t for the fact that Jack had already danced a jive that was the Whitest Caucasian that ever Honkied, I would have given that distinction to Jaleel. It was….careful, safe, steady and boring.

8. Maria & Derek (Quickstep) 25/30: I’d say she was the biggest improvement from last week. She had exactly the right frame and posture for this dance. It was fast, vibrant, and danced well. They did get out of sync, and it was noted by the judges, which made giving them a NINE seem a little too high, but I’m done trying to justify some of these scores. If you make a visible mistake, you should not get a nine. Period. And the masks that Maria and Derek wore with a little distracting. Otherwise, it was a good performance.

9. Martina & Tony (Jive) 17/30: Oh, poor, poor Martina. I said this before she danced, as soon as I saw what the wardrobe monkeys had dressed her in. Did you really have to dress her in a top that resembled sparkly tennis netting (with a red bra under it)? And then paired them with red fringe pants ? This ensemble on a 22 year old with very little dignity would have been fine. But, on one of the most decorated female athletes in history, who also happens to be 55 years old? Not so much. It had all the earmarks of FAIL before the music even started. About 10 seconds into the music, Martina lost it. Major missed sections of the dance, so the low score was justified. She’s my pick to go tonight. But major kudos for the way she handled herself with dignity in what was probably a very undignified situation for her. She smiled though the whole thing. Tony is such a nice guy. He seems to get the tough partners every season while the likes of Hough and Ballas are assigned younger, more limber, attractive free rides to the Finals, who don’t have to worry that their knees are shot and they’re old enough to be some of the other contestant’s parent. Pam Shriver and Jimmy Connors came out to cheer her on.

10. Donald & Peta (Quickstep) 24/30: Well, we certainly had to wait long enough. Quickie does the Quickstep. I’m not a big fan of this dance. It’s kinda boring for me. But it’s big on technique. You have to get the footwork right, and Donald did not disappoint! Peta challenged him with a difficult routine and he came through like a champ (see You Tube link above). Oh, and the Driver kids were fresh and adorable once again. Nice chapeau, Christian! Probably the most surprising part of the evening was Len actually apologizing to Donald and admitting that he was underscored last week (he received straight sevens). Host Tom Bergeron was correct. I also don’t think that I’ve ever heard him say such a thing to a contestant before. Unfortunately, after admitting that the judges underscored Donald last week, they went and did it again. Tell me, how does a routine that you just praised to holy hell, deserves an eight , while earlier flawed routines with visible mistakes got NINES ? Maybe if the Packers were owned by ABC Television, he’d get higher scores?

11. Gavin & Karina (Jive) 21/30: It wasn’t great. He’s still adorkable, and the leather jacket he was wearing was pretty boss (and got Bruno a little worked up). I think he performed better than last week, but the technique was still off. Karina chose to do a lot of side by side steps with the kicks and flicks and it just made Karina look amazing and Gavin looked like he was playing catch-up the entire time. He has a fanbase, but I doubt many of them watch DWTS. I predict he’ll be in the Bottom Two along with Martina. He may even go home ahead of her, depending on whether Martina’s fans voted. He seems like a nice guy to hang out and have a beer with at the piano bar.

12. William & Cheryl (Quickstep) 25/30: A lot of things annoyed me about this performance. Let’s begin, shall we? Ladies in the audience, please shut the hell up. We get it, he’s good looking, but he’s not a god, and he’s not an amazing dancer. Second, Carrie Ann and Bruno, please stop using your libidos to judge him. Thirdly, he’s not Gilles. In fact, I find Gilles Marini HOTTER than this guy. So just stop pretending he’s the second coming. It was good, but his technique needs a lot of work. Thank you, Len for pointing this out. At least someone hasn’t lost their freaking mind over this guy.

I mean, yeah, he’s good looking. But he’s not the hottest man I’ve ever laid my eyes on, and the more the Bieberettes in the audience scream, the more Cheryl acts like she wants to lick his armpit sweat, and the more Carrie and Bruno score him with their cootches, the LESS I’m going to vote for him. I don’t like being so blatantly manipulated. Please stop it now, Show.

Tonight, one couple will be sent home. Keeping my fingers crossed that it isn’t Mr. Driver. I think it’s way too soon for that. Tonight’s schedule is a “Looking back at the first two weeks” recap show at 8:00 Eastern, 7:00 Central. It’s filler. The actual Results Show starts at 9:00 Eastern, 8:00 central time. Basically, if all you’re concerned with is finding out who’s going home, watch the last five minutes. The rest is manufactured drama.

Yeah, I’ll probably watch. Tuesdays are a TV wasteland for the most part. There’s never anything else on that I give a crap about.

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TUESDAY RESULTS UPDATE: Donald and Peta were declared SAFE thanks to judges scores and OUR VOTES! Good job! Next week: The Rumba. A sexy dance. Might have to leave the kiddies home, Donald and Bettina!

BOTTOM TWO: Gavin and Karina, Martina and Tony (damn…I’m good).

GOING HOME: Martina and Tony. Sad, but the right call. Classy lady. Classy Partner. And Gavin is a cool customer, telling Martina that it was an honor to be on the same stage with her. Everyone…go buy his CD, now! Obviously a very nice, genuine guy!

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Colleen

I really thought Quickie was amazing. Only Katherine did better than he did in my opinion. I don’t think Donald goes home – I kept seeing that people were having trouble getting through on the phone (good sign) and his scores were very respectable. He’s just got to hang on another week or so before all of America catches on to him.

Anita

I completely agree, and it has absoultely NOTHING to do with the fact that I am totally in the tank for Quickie.

I got a few busy signals with the landline after the show. I called on the cell during the show, right after Donald and Peta danced and got through right away. Unlike AI, DWTS limits your calls, which means you can get through more often. Back when I used to vote for AI singers, there were times I couldn’t get through for the entire two hour block. That show jumped the shark for me long ago.

Joy

I so agree with you on William. I loooooooved Gilles and he isn’t even close. I was so annoyed by those 9′s I could hardly stand it. Donald is doing great and I think he is safe.

Anita

There is no comparison. Gilles was a good dancer AND sexy as hell. He made my teeth sweat. William is good looking, but he’s no Gilles.

Do you notice that Cheryl got to dance with both of them? I think they give Cheryl the hot partners much in the same way they favor Mark and Derek by giving them strong partners most seasons.

Karmen

I am thinking Martina might go home first. She is trying very hard and does not deserve to go home but you know how it goes on this show, they always send home the wrong one.

You are so right about Bruno and Carrie Ann regarding William, he is not God but they sure are judging him like he is. He has alot of work to do!

Love this blog so I hope you keep it up all season!

Anita

Since Donald Driver is on this season, I’m certainly going to try! I’m sure that pleases the all the boys who read this Wisconsin sports blog! LOL!

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