Friday, June 3, 2011

Crazy in Love I

Last week I learned another amazing fact about my take on love.

So far in my life, I experienced true love twice. Surely, I was infatuated many times and even had those moments (usually after great sex) when I thought it was true love, only to realize later it was all chemical. Now I am positive - real love happened to me only twice. If anyone has any doubt whether it was love or not, ask yourself after it’s gone whether you loved the person or not (be honest with yourself). If the answer is yes, it was love. If no - it was a strong attraction, great sex, you name it.

Anyway, first time I fell in love, when I was a skeptical 24 year old, focused solely on my career. I remember I would say that love didn’t exist, it was simply our mind’s imagination. It was the moment in my life when I only wanted to believe in what I could see and touch. Love seemed too superficial. You imagine something in your head and then make yourself believe that you can’t live without that person. Seriously?? I was too self-centered back then to even think that I needed anyone to bring more meaning into my life, to share my world. But not only was I skeptical of love, I ardently debated it. I would be extremely outspoken and would try to prove to people that it was only their imagination and they could control it any way they wanted to. It wasn’t real. Get real, people!

Life is what we make of it, I really believe it. However I also believe that some events happen just so to make us learn something new about ourselves and maybe help us see clearer who we truly are, you know, all the way deep down. And it happened to me, I fell in love. I didn’t know it was love for about 6 months since we met, I only knew that for some reason I wanted to be with him most of my time, I wanted to see myself thru his eyes, I wanted to make our time together eternal. I wanted to smell him in my hair and skin, I wanted to replay his voice in my head over and over again..

6 months it took to convince me that love exists and there is no other more exciting feeling a human could ever experience. I still agreed (till this day, do) it was highly imagined in our mind but God who cared? it seemed so exhilarating to feel such passion and love for another human being. I was driven by that love, I was brave, I was audacious. Nothing scared me. Nothing, except losing this love. And I did. I might write about it separately at some point in a greater detail. But for now, just telling you that this love was not meant to develop into a Forever-After. That was also the time when I learned that timing and love need to be perfectly aligned, one can’t go without the other. The timing was off for my first love, and all I could do is to learn from it.

First, I learned that I want love in my life. I love love for what it is. As ironic as it might sound based on how I felt about it when I was 24, I realized that I love to love. You see I always gave myself a lot of love from within (yes I am spiritually evolved!), I realized I had too much in me. I was ready to share. I wanted to experience myself through another human being.

6 months is all we had, before he moved overseas and we would meet once a year for the next 4 years, and all of them I was in love with him. And here is the second thing I learned about myself. When I fall in love, it’s kind of forever. 4 years of not really being together, you see. It was too strong to rationalize and move on. Give me a credit, it was the first time in my life. There was nothing I could do, I thought I was a one-man's woman. I wanted to.

But time takes care of us and helps us forget and move on. So 4 years later, when I couldn’t sustain my love on fleeting annual reunions anymore, I decided to let it go. It was hard to do, but I wanted to have love on a daily basis. I was no longer willing to sacrifice a new love that deserved that chance...