I stood in a crowd with you last night as we cried and cringed, applauded and gasped, embraced and turned away. I was there with you last night and I saw you in all your fierceness, despair, hope and rage. I also saw love, the same love that Chanel and Laverne wielded when they took the stage, speaking Islan Nettles’ name and pronouns with such authority ensuring that no one rewrote the life she brilliantly lived.

Love is what enabled me to walk out of Jackie Robinson Park in Harlem just a block from her attack and not be overcome by the rage of the entire proceeding, a proceeding that did not respect who Islan was – a young black trans woman – by failing to consult us, failing to take our pain and undeniable vulnerability into account, failing to allow us to be heard, failing to educate a grieving family about the necessity of pronouns, failing to correct cis folks who took up too much space and called Islan, therefore every trans woman in the crowd, out of her name.

We were told this vigil was focused on Islan’s family versus “political” issues like “transphobia” – as if the personal and political can be separated so effortlessly and cleanly. We are still vulnerable – just as Islan was – and that is not a political issue. That is truth, a truth that we are reminded of every time we step out of the comfort of our homes and are called out of our names, identities and bodies on our streets. And the organizers frankly ignored our truth and that pain paired with the grieving of a sister beaten to death at the tender age of 21 is unbearable.

And I want you to know that your pain is real, your pain is worthy, your pain is just.

Islan Nettles, a 21-year-old trans woman who died from injuries from an attack on August 22

Yesterday we were thanked for being silent and respectful to a grieving family seated center stage. We were instructed to keep politics at the door though politicians had a front-row seat with camera crews readied for their election year soundbites. We were scolded when we fought back against the pain inflicted on our bodies each time a speaker misgendered our sister and erased her identity. And we were congratulated, too, when we held our tongues.

Our tears and our presence did the talking, and I am in awe of the resilience of each of you.

You turned out last night, in a sea of black and brown and creamy faces, beat by makeup, pain and tears. I know how hard it was to leave your apartment, to get on a subway in the daylight and make it to Harlem in one piece. It takes courage to make yourself publicly vulnerable – and I want you to know that I saw you and seeing you was a gift because I have never been in a space with so many girls, and I know that that was the collective result of each girl who posted that flyer on her Facebook wall and messaged another girl, urging her to overcome her anxiety and traumas to stand together with us.

And there we stood – together.

Deja, Kiara, Lourdes, Trina, Koko, Mariah, Tanya, Madison, Octavia, Daniella, Jennifer, Cecilia, Brooke, Jyasia, Egyptt, Vanessa, Stephanie, Prerna, Evie, Asha and so many more of you whom I dedicate to knowing better. Frankly, we must all do better in knowing one another, banding together, speaking up together, and demanding much better together.

We heard politicians’ names and offices spoken more than our own. We saw more cis folks who did not know Islan (or the complexity of the lives we live or the difference between sexuality and gender identity) take the stage than we saw her actual girlfriends who stood idly in the crowd, who emailed organizers about speaking but received no response. And we heard her called out of her name countless times, to rarely a correction, and when they were corrected by trans folk in the audience – they were reprimanded for not being “respectful.”

My heart dropped each time I watched your face cringe with each misgendering. This is more than semantics, more than a family issue, this is our lives. We all know Islan was beaten to death because she fought hard to be Islan, to be she, to be her. Many of us come from black families, complicated families, families that take their own time with pronouns and names – so we were quiet, giving a grieving mother space to mourn her baby – yet we could not ignore that the misgendering that happened in that space was triggering and it was not merely a private matter. It was public and it was made public by the cis gay and lesbian organizers who distributed the flyers that called it a “community vigil,” who sat the grieving black family center stage for the media to photograph, who invited the local camera crews to capture the footage, who gave the mayoral candidates a “gay community-friendly” photo op.

Organizers have told us that last night was not about us, and that was clear from the beginning. Yet I will not ignore the fact that the footage living on YouTube and every local news broadcast, will affect us and our lives, miseducating and misguiding folks (even our own families) on how to treat and name trans women in death and life.

The only reason I left not feeling defeated was because of you, in all your resilience, beauty, brilliance and ferocity. You held me up, you told me that we would get through, and you showed up despite knowing the open secret we all carry: that Islan was not the first to fall and she will not be the last.

Yet you still dare to be seen, to live your life, to share your truth. You and I know that we are not stereotypes or statistics, that our lives are not disposable and that we deserve and demand so much better.

I am weeping and snapping in celebration of you as I write this letter. Last night I stood beside you and your presence was loud and clear. Though we were an afterthought, you, my dear sister, are always my first. I see you. I hear you. I love you.

I’ve been fighting for our rights for as long as I can remember. When I go out on the street, I’m in fear, but I keep going out and we have to stick together if we’re to survive and thrive. Otherwise you give them a license to kill us all, if we don’t unite. Divide and rule-that’s how they do it. Let’s bring our beautiful selves out there NOW!!!

Janet, I read this story and my heart sanked into a deep pit. Thank you for being there for all of us. My thoughts and prayers will be for the family and you as well. Society has a lot to learn and a long way to go before we Trans Women will no longer be targeted for being human beings. May God bless you and project His light your journey.

Thanks so much for writing this. My daughter13yr old trans daughter and I are attending a Transgender Day of Rememberance Vigil at our local GLBT center. We have chosen honor Islan Nettles at the ceremony. Could you please tell me how to pronounce her name correctly? – Or anyone else that knew her. Does it sound like “Island” without the “D”? Or is it ISSSlan?

We want to make sure we honor her properly. We decopodged a glass hurricane candle cover with “True Colors” Sheet music, Isan’s picture and then watercolor painted the colors of the rainbow onver it. When a candle burns inside it’s beautifu! We are going to read the lyrics of the song and tell a little bit about her. Thanks so much for your help.

Thank you for this, very much. I transitioned 46 years ago and most of those years have been lived in safety. Yet, each time I witness violence against my trans sisters and brothers, even when the witnessing is from a great social and geographic distance, I understand again and again how provisional trans safety still is, and my own times on the streets, at risk, at the end of a fist return to me, and then I am so glad women like you fight for us. Respect.

I was on 125th Street trying on some dresses. When I heard two girls discussing what dresses they should get for their brother’s funeral. “Is this too much? for a funeral?” one of them asked the store employee. “Yes, it is” the employee answered. Then they continued to tell her they were the sisters of the transgender that got beaten to death, always referring to Islan Nettles in the male pronoun and gender. The employee kept answering referring to Nettles in the female gender. They said, “He really looked like a girl…he worked at H&M and everybody thought he was a real girl.” I wanted to say to them, “Your SISTER died because of who she was and you can’t even give her the respect or courtesy of referring to her in the gender she knew herself to be?!”

Of course, they had no idea the girl next to them was transgender as well cause I am what some would describe as “passable.” I rarely get the discrimination, harassment, violence or shaming their sister Islan must have gotten…but once in a while I am exposed to it as a spectator never forgetting if I was just a little less “passable” that could have been me.

Thank you, Janet, and all who attended the vigil. May Islan rest. Now, let all our hearts be strengthened for the continued battle for recognition and respect… for/from ourselves, from those family and friends who need (for our sake and theirs) to understand us, and for the cisgendered public in whose oceans we must surely swim in order to be in this world. I am forwarding your article to my siblings who seem to think it will be alright to keep referring to me as their brother, as him, as he, as his, and by that old name they knew me by for 55 years. Having just come out to my family in July, I vow to be patient but also firm. If they really love me as they say they do, they must understand and come around. I am who I am, and I am braced for the inevitable decisions ahead to leave certain people out of my life. We have ourselves, we have those who truly love and respect us, and we have our sisters. That will need to be enough, at least while the world changes as slowly as it always does for minorities striving for their survival and, lo, their equality. Namaste’

Thank you Janet for pouring your heart out and educating the community and speaking up. As a woman of color I can relate to many of the experiences you mentioned in your letter. As a cis sister I have not have to experienced many others trans sisters have but I feel you and I work hard to overcome my own internalized oppression and biases in order to be a true ally. Your work has greatly help me educate myself and become aware about the realities faced by trans women. Reading this was very powerful.

Again I am saddened to hear that another of our sisters has fallen. The rage we feel when we are misgendered or non-gendered (..there is a “person” here to see you) must be turned into a strengthening of our resolve to show the world that we deserve to be called by the proper gender. The pain I feel when one of our sisters falls is much more than physical – it is like a piece of all of us has been violently, brutally, and yes, painfully ripped away without so much as a by our leave or apology.

My favorite expression goes like this, “Draw not your (s)words in anger or rage. Instead draw them with a clear purpose, and a clear mind, so that justice and peace shall triumph over all that rise up against us.” I was once a mighty warrior during a major conflict many, many years ago. I rose up to help win that conflict, and at my greatest was told to stand down and go home…that my time to wage war was over. For many years I was angry at my leaders for not letting me help to finish what they had started. Gradually that anger turned into a resolve, and a vow, to never wage war again.

This past July that resolve was tested when a man rose up against me because he recognized that I am a transwoman. He didn’t give me any choice in the matter. In my own defense, my warrior training took over and I soon found myself on the brink of killing him. Finding myself there I immediately drew back and released him. The look on his face told me he knew he had been within inches of dying.

So now I have renewed that vow of peace and must start afresh. 39 years of peace is a long time. I hope I live long enough to do that much again. If I do, i will consider myself very, very lucky!

Thank you for writing this. I am so sorry for what happened, for what happens, for what is happening to Islan and all the trans community. This is a conversation that needs to happen right now, and as a relatively privileged white cis bisexual woman I simply must say… nothing. The cis community has monopolized the mic for far too long. It’s long past due for us to shut up and LISTEN while someone else speaks. It will not kill us to let others be heard, but our silencing of trans voices has a very literal death toll.

As a woman of trans* experience living in Harlem, I was satisfied with the event overall. I’ve partaken in enough events to know that even those where time is in abundance, you will experience hiccups; this one had to come together in a matter of days, while honoring the grieving process of a family and community. As a community, meaning my trans* brothers and sisters, I am extremely proud of the passion and refusal to be denied. In the pursuit of justice and when you are seeking FREEDOM, I believe all moments are appropriate to raise your voice. That said, I long ago became weary of those (including trans*) who seem to jump on a bandwagon when it’s convenient, or when there are cameras around. The people who organized this event should be applauded for even getting folks to come to Harlem to honor one of our befallen, and I’m sure they’ve learned some valuable lessons. We owe it to them, especially since they seemed to have been all people of color, to allow them to grow; the love is there, so it’s our job to educate. Till this year, groups like AVP had never done ANY outreach work in Harlem – Why is that? No one group has a monopoly on our community in what is a movement that needs cooperation from so many. Even within the trans* community, we admit to having much work to do among ourselves.

I’m actually very saddened to see the number of trans* people of color rally around organizations that have historically neglected us; again, only showing up when acts of violence occur as it seems that’s when they can get more face-time with the press. We people of color of trans* experience know that our inclusion in the world of white folks has been limited to us appearing on stage and lip-synching. In this generalization, if you don’t belong, disregard. For those of you talking about cisgender people, and specifically with regard to Islan, please acknowledge that her FAMILY are more than cisgender people. I doubt if any of you knew where Islan was in her journey, with none of you knowing where the family is in their journey. If you’re not privy to someone else’s complete story, then you have no right to paint a picture based upon your journey. Again, allow people in instead of shutting them out. In the midst of a family grieving, I expected us to be clever enough to deliver our messages, while respecting them. Not for nothing, in their own way, and, perhaps, the only way they KNOW how, they should a tremendous amount of respect, love and gratitude to our community at the vigil. Until we’ve learned that the entire world has been denied the opportunity to embrace us due to the influences of cultural norms around gender and gender expression, we will continue to operate under the paradigm of “us” and “them.” We are all victims of hegemony and other dominant forces; none of us are who we were meant to be as we entered this Earth, and, if we’re lucky, we’ll spend some time trying to discover who the person was meant to be, and reclaim her or him. Self-righteousness kills! Don’t block your blessings!

Hi Golden. Thanks for sharing your experience and insights. I’m glad the event suited you, yet we must also realize that others felt differently, and our differences, criticisms and experiences do not negate one another’s. I, too, think it is important that we educate our communities of color about our unique experiences as trans people. I was also proud that a black-led organization was taking the helm at the event, and I hope going forward they learn and evolve due to this experience.

You NAILED IT! This whole episode broke my heart! First that one of our sisters was so brutally murdered and the world seemed not to care, then secondly when our grief was hijacked for the benefit of the politics of others. They claimed, ‘not about us” – ha! It was ALL about us. Transphobia in the gay male community is still transphobia – end of story.

I was in the crowd, and could not hear what was being shouted but we certainly heard the scolding and wrong pronouns from the stage. What was happening on stage was seriously off, that was obvious. We who did not know Islan were waiting to hear about her and her life from her friends and it was confusing why we didn’t.

Your perspective has educated all of us that were there & not there – thanks so much for writing it. <3

I had a whole comment written out but decided that while others have commented calls do action, it really does not feel right to be adding one into such a beautiful, heartfelt post. There are a time and place for everything and it just felt wrong to place it here…

I wish I could have been with you ladies in that room. Everyone so far had been right in that we need to stand together in the face of oppression, misgendering, etc.

As an older black trans-woman, it’s bad enough that there’s a shortage of young black men, due to situations beyond their control, BUT, to do this to your sisters, trans-sisters that know the struggle to be ourselves, that you in all your anger, have killed a future teacher, educator for our community. An asset to the community, that could embrace, and empower many to understand both genders. Young people need to know that questions that they might have about us, can be answered by those of us that will give them the truth. Our history, and why it’s so important to ourselves. Why it’s important to understand that black transgendered people are gifted. We have a commitment to ourselves to evolve, escape the oppression that our race has felt for 300 years. And yet, we as a black community, clearly don’t understand ourselves. From our President on down to the people on the street. We are a fourth class citizens. Hatred for being bold, having character, dignity, educating ourselves, through resources, from all over the world. Your future child will need to understand what it is to be transgendered. Be leaders by protecting everyone in your community. This is what the young black men need to do.

Thank you Kenia. I agree that we need to educate our cis brothers and sisters about our lives, our experiences and about what we go through. I think it’s vital that people realize that we are not disposable or less than human. We are their sisters and folks need to embrace that. Each and everyone of us living their truth does the vital work everyday to ensure that we are seen and that we are not going anywhere. It’s a step in the right direction.

Love, support, and outrage from St. Louis to Harlem. Islan’s name has been on the lips of the radical community here the past few days. We’ve shared her story with one another, and I will share your letter to those of us in struggle with you.

Amazing text. Heart felt and well spoken.
Made me feel pain and proudness, as if I was there standing in anxiety and grief.
I wish we could all be like sisters, hold each other backs and fight for each other. Sometimes we are, sometimes we are not. But the will to bound, to make our voice visible as women of trans experience is very strong and anyone can see you feel it in your heart. And I feel in mine, the people who comment/share feel in theirs. So there is something there, beyond geography and physicality. Our hearts are unite in the desire of sisterhood, in the desire of being who we are and have safety.
Let’s cling to that. Death is hard, but staying silence is also death for us. Thank you for speaking up so beautifully and I promise to try do it too.

Thank you so much for your honest and heartwrenching perspective on last night’s vigil, which I also attended. I appreciate you raising the issue of the instances where she was misgendered – as a ciswoman I am trying to educate myself on various gender-related terms, and was confused when some speakers used “she” and others used “he.” I don’t know if that was intentional or just indicative of a lack of wider knowledge on how to assign the correct pronoun to a trans* man or woman, but thank you for helping me become more aware at how much language *matters.*

I completely agree with your take on the politicians, who were thanked ad nauseum and yet, had cameras in tow. It wasn’t ABOUT THEM. Super tasteless. Leave the video cameras out. of. it.

Like another commenter said, should another public vigil be organized that will include and elevate the voices of those in the trans community and/or who knew Islan, please share it.

I want to thank for this piece. I worked with Islan as her academic advisor during the time she was transitioning. She was always a light! I know she struggled with many things and I’m honored that she shared her journey with me & allowed me to support her. I feared for her. But at the same time was always impressed by her courage & poise. I wanted to so much to hear from her friends & the people who knew her & loved her. My heart is broken. I am so angry that this happened to her. So angry that she didn’t get the chance to live the dreams in heart, especially after all that she did to live authentically. I’m not in a place right now for platitudes & silver linings. My only hope is that other young women & men in the wrong bodies will have the support & love they need & all the opportunities to fulfill their highest potential. We are all better when we allow every person to be who they really are. Thank you again. And should another vigil, memorial, event be organized by people who knew her & loved her, please invite me.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with Islan with me. I met some young women at the vigil who knew her and loved her and spoken kindly and generously about their friendship. I’m glad you were there for Islan during a pivotal part of her life; I know how invaluable having that kind of support can be as a young person revealing yourself. I, too, hope young trans people find the love and support they need to live their best possible lives.

I believe that all PEOPLE have the right to choose their own gender, sexuality, and decisions over their own medical care, birth control and abortion.

As a sex worker and an activist, I don’t know what it feels like to be transgender but I do understand the need to hide what I am from the world in order to protect myself from a violent society that seeks to harm me. I became an activist because these deaths HAUNT me and I refuse to be shamed or silenced any longer.

I admire those in the community that have come out to show their support, even though many of them live in fear, and feel the need to hide from the world, to feel safe, and avoid discrimination, harassment and hatred.

Its time to change the social perception that she wasn’t a person. . No one wants to feel a sense of community or sameness with her. She was something other than us and therefore we don’t need to feel fear or grief at the fact or the manner of her death.”

A message from the UK:
A truly wonderful article Janet, we hear your pain and grieve with you – for your loss is our loss too. Injustices towards our community is everywhere, from CeCe McDonald to the latest tragic victim, Islan. These injustices only serve to unite us though and make our voices stronger and more determined to wipe out this hate so that one day we can live as ordinary people, without fear and take our place in society as true equals.

I was raised and still am Roman Catholic. I never recall hearing anyone tell me I should hate anyone because of their differences. I was taught to treat others with respect. I don’t know what happened to the world, why can’t people just respect each other, or at least leave each other alone? I don’t consider myself a liberal by any means but I just wish people would stop hating each other, nothing good will ever come from hate.

Thank you, Janet, for your eloquence and truth. It is my heartfelt wish that each and every sister finds peace in your words and the strength to continue fighting for the right to be heard, to be acknowledged, to be accepted.

SPEAK, Sister Janet.
Each time I hear of crimes like this…each one tears at me. Another beautiful transgender sister, Domonique was murdered in her home in Fontana, CA.
I live in the Studio City area of Los Angeles. Several months ago, another of our sisters was seen on surveillance camera being chased down a street by four men, who beat her so badly she was hospitalized with a broken jaw and shattered cheekbone.
I have grieved with and for, each one.
I have rage, I have commitment to seeing an end to this.
It’s with love I know you speak for Islan, and if for now, if love is what we have for each other.
Then I’ll take that to comfort our family.

But some fire has to come next time for those who keep leaving us with such voids in our hearts.

I think Martin Buber in treating people with respect would use “I-Thou” and use the proper gendered pronouns for trans folks. We diminish personal value to nothing when we use “I-IT” As a UU minister, I try so hard to be aware of gender in weddings, funerals, and other occasions. I want to show respect and homage to the authentic self of the individual. When I make a mistake, please forgive me. I have learned much from the Erie Sisters of Erie, PA in this regard. I love the verse in the song “Dancing Sarah’s Circle” which say, “we shall do our own naming…” Call me “Stephanie” if you want…

You said it all. I am an educator in a NYC public high school, a new politician and an openly gay man living in West Harlem. I just want you and all of your sisters to know that I stand with you and send you all of the love I have to give. I want to take action with you if you want me and need me. I am sorry you were hurt yet again, but know that there are many more like me who want to do more and do it right.

Brilliant, with all this crying I would have been blinded and would have addressed others instead of my own community (which I did ) instead of focusing on my sisters pain & well being. It is so painful to be reminded that it’s online forever. And it’s funny because it’s you who were my anchor, you and the entire African American community, that has taught me we can have beauty, dignity even in slavery, hopelessness & ridicule and I live by those teachings everyday.

I’m so enraged that many girls are going to stop feminization to avoid getting killed which is what they want. FOR US TO DISAPPEAR FROM THEIR NEIGHBORHOODS. Last night I wanted to tell them so bad how brave they are to start so early, and that they should take in consideration that by stopping or delaying feminisation we are conforming to the aggressor’s wishes, that there’s got to be some other way, other than that or living a double life, and that we all are going to come up with a plan to protect GENDER EXPRESSION NOW.

I don’t rememberer much about the last part, I was just watching & in a state of shock from the back, just telling my self to stay, because no one would have ever notice my absence anyway. I do remember Kiara’s face. It looked different, and yes I just wanted to be a good girl so I wouldn’t lose my friends, and I convoqued as may as I could for coffee and ended up in iHop (like 20 girls) as if nothing have ever happened, no one brought it up (weird). I’m smiling like a crazy in every photo, but don’t know why. I shook everyone’s hand specially Ms Quinn’s wife (she seems so nice) but my chest was so tight with anxiety, signaling that I WAS NOT IN A SAFE PLACE, that my activist career, life purpose & meaning could be ended any minute. Don’t know if anyone else ever feels this way but that might have more to do with being an undocumented citizen.

This goes to show again what an amazing leader you are, your words make me cry, because no one has ever spoken to me like this, and told me I’m doing OK. I live so afraid of disapproval (believe it or not). That all this seems so foreign, a delicious meal that I have no utensils to eat, that I have to check my name is in this piece too see you are referring to me.

Thank you so much for your leadership and work, Brooke. (And yes, the Brooke I mentioned in the piece is you. I only included first names to protect privacy ;-) My hope is that we can all learn from this experience and continue to be very vocal and involved with the spaces and events that we occupy. In love + solidarity!

although, I am not gay, lesbian, bi or transgendered, and I do not believe in that lifestyle, I do not discriminate. No matter how we live our lives, we are all worthy of life and liberties. No one person has the right to judge anyone simply because they live differently. I thought God did that. I have 3 cousins that I know of that are gay and although its not the life I live, I could not love them any less. l. They know how I feel, and they respect my beliefs, and I respect theirs. I could not imagine living one day without them.In fact, I have a cousin who has won NUMEROUS awards and crowns in pagents for Gays, lesbians, transgender and bisexual individuals..We grew up together, and no matter what, that’s my blood and if I were the family of this young woman I would go crazy. I can not believe that people can be so evil..Oh yes sir, the person(s) responsible will face God and have to answer for this, Anyway, what I am trying to say, that no matter what we believe in life, NO ONE is perfect and therefore, how can we judge someone else. God please be with the family of the victim and the family of the offender(s)

I appreciate you sharing your perspective. I do not believe we’re seeking approval from anyone to live our lives. I do not believe it’s a lifestyle, it’s our lives. I am grateful that you do not discriminate those who are different from you because we are all different from one another. Continue to be well.

The time to be quiet has passed.
The time to be patient has passed.
The time to be still has passed.
The time to be scolded has passed.
Our voices will not be silenced.
We will make ourselves heard.
Standing together: we will be counted.
And standing together, we will be named.

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