The 7 Deadly Sins of Waiting Till Marriage

When you decide to wait until marriage to have sex, you’re inviting a whirlwind of emotions onto yourself. Your journey will take years, and during those years you are going to experience several different attitudes towards your decision to wait until marriage.

Some of these attitudes are good and will reaffirm your decision to wait; other attitudes are poisonous and will peck away at your resolve. It’s important that you be aware of these poisonous attitudes and how to combat them. I call these poisonous attitudes the 7 Deadly Sins of Waiting Till Marriage.

1. Spite

Condemning will make you feel proud, but it will cut you off from others.

Example

Condemning others who are having sex before marriage.

How it feels

Sometimes it feels like you’re the only sexually virtuous person in the world. This can make you angry. Your pride mixes with your loneliness and turns into spite. You want everybody to save sex for marriage. The less people that do; the less chances you have of finding somebody else who shares your values. So you take it as an affront to everything you hope for when somebody flaunts their pre-marital sexuality.

Note that this feeling of spite and quick-to-condemn mentality usually crops up when you first make the decision to wait until marriage.

Why it hurts you

I know it doesn’t feel like there is any downside to judging others harshly. In fact, it can be pretty self-empowering. Stating absolutely that somebody else is worthless boosts yourself up as having worth; it solidifies your position and hardens your resolve to stick to it. This is a big factor. Condemning others for something helps you stick to your guns about it. You’ve already yelled at somebody else for breaking the rule and puffed up your chest as the superior person; can’t break that rule yourself now or you lose all that feel-good sense of righteousness.

But the more you focus on how different everybody else is from you, the more alone and hopeless you’re going to feel. Plus, focusing solely on the saving-it-for-marriage factor makes you bless everybody who’s in the club and damn everybody who’s not…that’s not always the most accurate and productive approach. Your spite and condemnation will quickly make your social circle small, and ultimately it will consume you too. Plus, sooner or later, you’re going to call somebody a whore who didn’t deserve it, and you’re going to feel crappy.

How to overcome it

Age helps. As you get older you get less bitter, partially because your only other choice would be to be bitter at pretty much everyone around you (since most people don’t wait). You grow less invested in seeing everybody wait until marriage…you think of it more as your own thing that is separate from the decisions of others.

Ultimately, you should aim to see other non-WTM people as “different” in their sexual choices, not “inferior”. This gets easier to see as you get older. Sexual virtue is just one of many virtues that a person can posses, and it cannot be your only standard for the quality of a person. Intelligence, honesty, empathy, creativity, humor, world-changing drive, sexual virtue — these are all rare, and all worthy of praise. To ignore all the others because one doesn’t exist is completely illogical and will cut you off from people who you can really enjoy and learn from.

2. Over-Eagerness

The tale of the romantic orphan

Example

How it feels

There’s a famous children’s book called “Are You My Mother” that your parents probably read aloud to you when you were little. In the book, a little baby bird pops out of his shell to find that his mother is nowhere in sight. He knows he’s supposed to have a mother, but he doesn’t know where she is or what she looks like. So the little bird goes around to all the animals he can find and asks “Are you my mother?”. With each different species, the little bird discovers that they are not, in fact, his mother, and moves on in his search. And then, at the end of the book, he finds his real mother and it’s patently obvious to him.

Sometimes looking for your soulmate can be exactly like that. You know you’re supposed to have one. You see everbody else having one. Where’s yours? So you go around looking and trying to see every person you have any romantic interest in as “the one”. Then you ultimately discover that you were wrong, you break up (or whatever), and continue on with your search. Then one day you find your real soulmate, and you feel kind of silly for thinking those other people were “it”.

Why it hurts you

Go back to that story of the little bird going around asking dogs and cats if they’re his mother. Now, let’s say the dog says to the bird “No, I am not your mother. I am a dog!”. And the little bird replies, “No, you’re my mother. You’re a bird like me. You think you’re a dog, but I can see the bird in you.” And then one day the dog and the bird have a fight, break up, and the bird storms off and realizes that “God, he was totally not what I was looking for. It’s almost like he was dog or something. I need to find me a bird!”. And the cycle starts all over again.

In practical terms: you see what you want to see. Most people already have a chip on their shoulder about finding “the one”. As a person who is waiting till marriage, your chip is a hundred times heavier because you can’t embrace your body’s natural sex drive until you find that person.

This pressurizes you into making rash decisions and rationalizing away people’s faults and differences. You don’t just want them to be “the one”, you need them to be “the one”. This attitude will not only lead to bad people decisions, but will make you stay in bad relationships longer because you don’t want your hopes to die and you’re already in the habit of rationalizing.

Worst of all, you are blinding yourself from the reality of the other person. If you evade looking at who they really are, your ability to show them empathy and understanding in the relationship will be severely lacking…to both of your dismay.

How to overcome it

There was a fascinating study conducted by the authors of the book Sway: The Irresistible Pull of Irrational Thinking. In the study, they interviewed newly-formed, college-age couples and asked them questions like “How long do you think you’ll be together?” and “What kind of problems do you see the relationship having later on?”. Then they interviewed those same people again a year later. Not surprisingly, almost every couple over-estimated how long they would be together. Everybody broke up much sooner than they expected to at the beginning.

But what was surprising is that in all cases, the couples were able to predict (in the first interview) the problems that ultimately led to the relationship’s demise with startling accuracy. As in, everybody could see the problems clearly from the beginning; they just didn’t put any importance on them. As time wore on, those problems became more and more important, and usually lead to the demise of the relationship.

The authors (researchers) concluded that the initial “newlywed” urge to make the relationship work made people think irrationally and gloss over the problems that their rational mind could see.

What you should take away from this story as somebody who is waiting till marriage is that your drive to make the relationship work can be a hundred times stronger and more irrational than the average person’s. This means you need to be especially committed to taking those problems you see from the beginning seriously, to keep yourself extra sober.

Also: Learn to prioritize your own ambitions that are unrelated and independent of finding “the one”.

3. Impatience

Veruca Salt: But I want it NOW, Daddy!! NOW NOW NOW!

Example

Pleading with God / Fate / The Cruel and Unforgiving Universe to send them to you now.

How it feels

You will go through periods where you feel like you just can’t take it any more; you want it NOW. You’ve done enough, you’ve suffered enough, you’ve been frustrated long enough, and you’ve waited plenty longer than you ever intended. If you have to go another day you’ll explode (emotionally). It’s like you’re suffocating and you’re making a desperate plea for air. Not to mention, have that special person around now would make all of your other struggles so much more bearable.

Why it hurts you

A little bit of impatience is good. It keeps you moving and focused. But when you let your impatience bubble up and erupt to the point of pleading with God, you’re causing yourself undue stress, and actually hindering yourself from being able to move forward efficiently because you’re so busy thinking about how badly you need this now that you aren’t focusing enough on the activities that will actually get you there.

How to overcome it

Use it. You can’t make it happen tomorrow, as much as you might want to. But you can take steps towards it right now, and that is infinitely better than standing still and bitching about it. When your impatience bubbles up, swallow it and burn it, like ingesting a little ball of human rocket fuel. Refocus. Get courageous. Hurdle headlong towards your goals.

4. Worry

This feeling gets louder and louder in your 20’s

Example

Worrying that you won’t find them soon enough, or that you’re wasting your prime years.

How it feels

As stressful as aging can be for everybody, it’s doubly so for the waiting-till-marriage person who hasn’t found their Love yet. Every new wrinkle, every new scar, every sag….is monumentally stressful in a way that non-WTM people can never fully know. You get older, and you watch your friends bloat, and it terrifies you. They’re leaving their attractive years and you haven’t even had sex yet. What about all that great, young, energetic college sex they got to have? Will you ever know that peek passion or did you rob yourself of it forever just because you tried to the right thing?! Doing the right thing is supposed to make your life better, not worse!

Why it hurts you

Of all the feelings listed above and below, this one is the most destructive. It combines and fuels all of the others. Each passing day is a day of your prime that dies; that you won’t be appreciated in. That you spent alone, looking fantastic, with nobody seeing you. It’s like a flower that blooms and withers in the dark, never getting to be seen and…plucked…in full bloom.

This fear will make every day more worrisome than the last. Age will be a tragedy instead of just a minor annoyance. You can get so preoccupied with this kind of worry that it completely drags you down. And you obsesses over aging in a way that few do. And it makes you feel bitter, and impatient, and jealous, and regretful, and wronged by God.

How to overcome it

Constantly invest in your appearance. When you set a goal for improving your appearance and actively work towards it, program your brain to look forward to your future self because you will look better in the future than you do right now. You might have a good body now, but if you can stick to this exercise routine, you’re going to have a totally smoking hot body a year from now. This means you have more prime ahead of you.

Also 30 is the new 20, 40 is the new 30, and 50 is the new 40. Thanks to increasing human life expectancy and medical technology, the prime years are a bit longer now.

5. Hopelessness

Yeah, it feels like that sometimes.

Example

Giving up on the idea that you will ever be allowed to be sexual

What it feels like

In many ways, hopelessness is your brain’s response to an unresolveable internal conflict; it just gives up. Sometimes you will find yourself acting as if this non-sexual phase of your life is permanent and you will never be allowed to be a sexual creature. So when you see something that gives you a sexual urge, that feeling crashes against your fear that you will never find that person that you’ll be able to be sexual with…that you’ll never touch that world you suddenly want so badly because it’s walking right in front of you….and you let yourself die a little inside, then you go back to whatever you were doing.

Why it is harmful

Hopelessness can be extremely poisonous. It means you have grown complacent. It means you have decided that your current circumstances are impossible to change for the foreseeable future. You have accepted a painful fate that you do not, in reality, need to accept, because it is a lie. It reinforces bitterness, finality of situation, regret…makes all of those negative emotions stronger. It’s like you’re giving up all of the good reasons you decided to wait till marriage each time you feel this.

How to overcome it

Immediately figure out a way to meet a large quantity of new people. Throw yourself into new social environments. Meeting one new person that you find attractive and interesting can completely refill your hope tank.

6. Regret

Regret is a fast downward spiral

Example

Questioning the decision you made to wait until marriage

What it feels like

Sometimes the frustration and fear and worry will get so bad that you flat-out regret waiting till marriage. You’ll start wishing that you had just had sex at the first opportunity; wishing you were like everybody else is with sex and you didn’t have this big chip on your shoulder…wishing you’d taken all those chances you had to have sex and just done it…gotten it out of the way so it wouldn’t be such a big factor in your life all the time.

Why it is harmful.

Regretting your decision to wait until marriage invites all of the other poisonous attitudes to take refuge in your mind (because they all reinforce the regret). You can see regret everywhere. It can consume you. And because you’re already so far along in your path…you can’t easily turn back now. You might even start thinking like a normal non-WTM person does about sex…you stop valuing your decision to wait. You downplay it. And that makes you regret it more.

How to overcome it.

When you start regretting your decision to wait, it’s helpful to look back and remember why you decided to wait in the first place. Chances are, the logic that produced your decision back then still holds true today. The difference is, back when you first decided to wait you thought you’d be married and blindingly happy by now.

When you first decided to wait, you had an optimistic view of your future. You had confidence that you would eventually find someone to love. Your biggest problem at the moment is you’ve lost that confidence.

Your problem isn’t regret. It’s doubt.

7. Doubt

Another day, forever alone

Example

Thinking that they’ll never come; that you’ll never find “the one”.

What it feels like

When you first decide to wait, you’re sold on the fairy tale. But most people don’t realize just how many years it can be before they find that person. The further you get into your 20’s, the more you think: They should be here by now…my friends who banged everything with a pulse have already found their soulmates and I’m the good girl/guy and I’m still waiting. Maybe I’m doing something wrong. Maybe I’m mistaken about this whole waiting till marriage thing.

You try to tell yourself that you’ll find that special person at exactly the right time, but you’ve stopped really believing it. Subconsciously, you don’t think that person exists for you. The fact that you want it so badly and desperately means that you will never have it because the universe is just cruel like that.

Why it is harmful.

It renders your coping mechanisms useless. You can’t keep trying to deal with normal issues like sexual frustration and impatience if subconsciously you don’t really believe that you’ll ever find that person. When you have this belief at your core, it compromises the whole system like a cancer.

How to overcome it.

You need to figure out how to regain an optimistic view about your romantic future, and that process may start with some unpleasant questions. Why have you suddenly lost hope in finding somebody? What could you do to change that and give you cause for hope?

It’s possible that you lost your romantic optimism because you’re on a path in life right now that has you flying solo 99% of the time and never meeting new people. You may need to adjust your life in a way that puts you on a better trajectory, in terms of romantic opportunities. When you do that, your optimism about the future will start to return, and you’ll stop over-questioning your decision to wait.

You don’t have to find The One to make yourself feel better. You just have to find a few people that have one or two of the qualities you’re looking for. The more people you meet that are kind of like what you’re looking for, the more you will feel it is possible to find one of the opposite sex that is exactly what you’re looking for.

The world today is built around niche groups. The internet is brilliant at bringing together like-minded people (e.g., this website you’re reading right now). Never has it been easier to find kindred spirits. Start by picking something that’s important to you — something that’s a big part of who you are — and then find an organized group of people doing that same thing. If you’re a runner, join a running group. If you’re a stamp collector, try a stamp collecting meetup.

Now, you might think “well just because they collect stamps like me doesn’t mean we’re going to have anything else in common.” But you will be very, very pleasantly surprised. The secret is that certain personality types are naturally attracted to certain activities. So you may start with the shared activity, and end up finding a shared personality type.

Mike handles all of the programming and design work for WTM.org.
Although he still writes the occasional article,
he spends most of his time these days creating new site features and keeping everything organized.
Mike is web software developer by day, and is in school to become a psychologist.
In his free time Mike enjoys running, biking, and movies.

93 Responses to “The 7 Deadly Sins of Waiting Till Marriage”

Thanks for you comment. I will have much more on this topic (also referred to as the “everything but” method) in the future — UPDATE: much more on this topic here —, but for now I’ll say that I’m not really an authority on morality. I can’t tell you whether it is “OK” or not. It depends on the person. You have to decide what feels right for you.

I’ve seen couples succeed at both methods. Some people are waiting till marriage in the sense of “kissing and holding hands only” and some people are waiting till marriage for sexual intercourse, but everything else is on the table (i.e., oral sex).

There are upsides and downsides to each path. The “holding hands and kissing only” people often view “everything but” method as cheating and trying to have your cake and eat it too, while the “everything but” people usually view their path as the only way to maintain some degree of physical intimacy in the relationship.

I am not God, but I believe that if you’re willing to wait to have intercourse you should be willing to wait to have any of the things that could vaguely resemble intercourse. That would include oral sex. I think you’ll be cheating YOURSELF and your future spouse if you choose to engage in oral sex because it’s not about penetration, it’s about that vulnerability of walking in to see your spouse and trusting that they aren’t going to judge you based on your outside. It’s about experiencing all the joys that sex has to offer with 1 person and one person only in a lifelong commitment til death do you part. I hope that helps.

I love how they never include any statistics. People who wait until marriage get married at like, 20. (early 20’s etc.) The younger you are when you get married, the more likely you are to get a divorce. Research kids. And not on your church website.

Not all of them get married early, says the 27-year-old virgin (me). I totally agree with your points though that a) younger marriages are more likely to end in divorce and b) church websites are rarely address such issues. This ain’t no church website.

They’re aren’t any statistics in the above article because they wouldn’t be relevant…it’s an article about emotions and mental hurdles. However, we will be including some statistics in future articles, including the one you’re talking about.

The fact that younger marriages often fail isn’t an argument against waiting till marriage, it’s a warning against letting your decision to wait push you into an early marriage.

Sometimes people wait until marriage, feel the pressure, marry the first person they date at age 20, then divorce 3 years later and whore it up for the rest of their lives. That happens.

But successful cases happen too.

Plenty of other WTM people wait longer, find the right one, marry at a reasonable age, and stay together for life.

And then there are WTM people that marry young AND stay together for life, aided to a large degree by the permanent and ultra-monogamous attitude they hold towards marriage. I’ve known some of these couples; they’re now their 50’s and still look at each other like…well…like husband and wife…less of the distant, detached look you so often spot in other married couples that age.

It really depends on the person/couple. There are all kinds of different people who wait until marriage with widely different experiences/attitudes/decision making heuristics. The characterture you’re painting certainly exists, but there are many, many others that it doesn’t account for.

Plus it’s not like marriages between non-waiting have a stellar record for longevity (sorry, cliché, but had to say it).

All that said, waiting till marriage isn’t a decision that’s made through research and statistics. It’s a certain type of person who makes the decision to wait based on their core values and what they choose as important for their life and their relationships. You could throw all kinds of opposing statistics at me (not that there are tons of them), and I’d probably still be waiting. It’s just part of who I am. It’s just something I want to do.

Really don’t know if this is the place to ask questions, but I’ll ask anyway:

I have already found the love of my life, and we are currently “unofficially engaged” (meaning there is no ring and he hasn’t “popped the question,” but we’ve decided that we are getting married). We are saving intercourse for marriage, but I have to wonder; would it morally ok to have sex before we’re married if we are positive that we will be marrying each other?

Thanks for the comment. Look, I don’t know you. I don’t know him. But “unofficially engaged” sounds like a risky, fragile platform to make this decision on even if it feels stable right now. I’d at least wait for the ring. Not to be a killjoy, but lots of people are “positive” and then it goes sour. You’re not inside of his head. Nothing is definite until you’re standing at the alter.

How soon do you think you two will get married? 1-2 years? 5 years? Whenever you save up the money? Factor the answer to that question into your decision. If it’s going to be 3-5+ years before you get married (e.g., because you’re not personally ready or you’re too young), then you may want to keep waiting (because so much can go wrong between then and now).

If it’s you’re sure it’s going to happen soon (like 1-2 years), or if it’s just a matter of saving up the money (and you’re already saving), then maybe you’ll be alright. The point is: you need some objective evidence of permanence besides your own feeling. The wedding being 3+ years away is a big red flag to temper your expectations.

That said, here are some different arguments for and against…

YES – You’re in love. You’re totally “it” for each other. You are both 100% positive that you’re getting married. There’s no doubt for either of you (and I don’t just mean verbalized doubt — unspoken doubt and observed negative factors are even more important). Might as well start enjoying the physical side more.

NO – You’ve already waited this long, and you’ve conquered the hard part (finding the right one), so now it’s just a matter of time before the wedding and then marriage and sex! It’d be sweet to wait all the way until marriage, and make the wedding night, honeymoon, and marriage that much more meaningful.

Thanks for the advice!
Again, we are planning on waiting until the big night (2 years!), but I was just curious. Some say that if you’re engaged it doesn’t matter if you have sex or not since you’re getting married anyway, but I was just wondering what other people’s take on that was. Thanks!

Vixi,
A recent study of 2035 couples by the American Psychological Association published that couples who wait till marriage have a 22% greater chance in having a successful marriage, are 20% happier, and enjoy a 15% better sex life. This study was also referenced on the 22nd of December 2010 in the Globe and Mail (Canadian newspaper).

So kids, when researching remember, the variable that is most important in this equation is not necessarily age or religion, but will and devotion to one’s (future) spouse.

I’m 27, and I’m waiting until marriage. I never dated much when I was younger; I was too busy getting good grades in high school and college to do any serious dating (though I had several close friends and large group of acquaintances). That made it really easy to wait until marriage…no boyfriend meant that sex wasn’t even an option.

Unfortunately, now that I’ve finished college and graduate school and have a good job, I’m still not getting dates…I’ve only seriously dated one guy in the past 3 years (and that relationship only lasted for a few months). I have friends and acquaintances. I meet single guys through work, church, and friends. I’m a friendly person. But guys seem to be either intimidated by me (I have no idea why I would be intimidating) or they just don’t find me to be attractive. I’m not sure which it is. Either way, it makes waiting until marriage REALLY easy, but it’s incredibly frustrating at the same time because marriage doesn’t seem to be in my future at all.

That said, I can definitely relate to a lot of the Deadly Sins, and perhaps even on a different level than people who have dated a lot. I just hope that I’m overcoming them as well as I’d like to think I am!

1. What makes you think that nobody’s attracted to you? Is it just insecurity, or do you have diseased pustules all over your face and giant fat rolls hanging over your belt?

If it’s just insecurity (you haven’t gotten a date in a while so you figure “that must be it…they’re just not attracted to me”), then it’s probably just a confidence issue that you need to get over.

If it’s more like the latter (you can think of specific reasons why you might be unattractive), then start addressing those reasons systematically (e.g., see the doctor about those diseased pustules, hit the gym to burn off those fat rolls). It takes more work for some people than it does for others, but most people can make themselves into somebody who’s reasonably attractive. There are hopeless cases, but those are rare, and you’re probably not one of them.

How attractive was the guy you last dated? That can often be a good indicator of your own attractiveness.

2. If you had to take a wild guess at a quality that could make you intimidating, what would it be? Too smart? Too pretty? Too educated? Too underwhemling/overwhelming in conversation? Too successful?

3. I know it’s a little untraditional, but have you plainly asked out any of those guys at your work/church/friendgroup? Try it, watch their facial expression when they react to your question. That can tell you a lot.

Just trying to throw things out there that might help. The more likely marriage looks, the less frustrating waiting is. And I certainly know how agonizing it can be when you waited till marriage AND don’t have any marriage prospects to speak of at 27. You sound like you’re doing the right things in terms of placing yourself in target-rich environments (church, work, friends), so the potential is there…you just have to figure out how to access it.

1) I think I’m an above-average looking girl. When I look in the mirror, I like what I see. People also frequently compliment me on my appearance, and I don’t have the feeling that they are lying to me. I’m a healthy weight, I take care of my skin and hair, and I live a healthy lifestyle both in eating and exercise habits. My clothing may not be the latest fad, but it is far from dowdy or outdated. So, unless my idea of physical attractiveness is far different from a guy’s idea, then that’s not the reason that I’m not getting dates. But yes, I’ll admit that not getting dates has left me a bit insecure in that area of my life. I’m normally quite confident in my appearance and abilities.

The last guy I dated wouldn’t be considered especially attractive by a lot of people’s standards, but I thought he was quite cute in a geeky sort of way. He was a brilliant guy, and his mind more than made up for his average appearance.

2) I think that as far as being intimidating goes, it’s because I’m too smart and too educated. I don’t think I flaunt my brains too much, but neither do I want to play the dummy just to get a guy. Do guys who don’t have advanced degrees and college professorships think that I wouldn’t date them? If so, they are so wrong! There are other types of intelligence than just academic intelligence.

3) No, I haven’t just asked out any of the guys. The majority of them (the few I’m actually interested in, anyway) are all very active daters and don’t hesitate to ask out any girl who interests them. I’m friendly, and I try to make myself approachable whenever possible. But they never do more than make very light conversation.

Thanks again for answering my comment. You’ve given me things to think about!

2) OK, this is the the one I’ve been thinking about. I don’t think smarts are an issue. I’ve gotta believe that any above-average intelligence guy is going to find smarts attractive. But the education thing…I think you might have something there. I don’t think it’s in the direction of “she wants a phd with a professorship”. I think it’s the self-togetherness often implied by high education that might be intimidating to some guys. I don’t know if that makes any sense. Basically: if you’re a full-blown, grown-up, highly-educated woman, and they still feel like casual “guys”, not yet men…that can create a conflict and a sense of intimidation, especially when combined with intelligence and a serious attitude.

3) Look, if attractiveness isn’t the issue, then you should absolutely ask one of those guys for feedback. If your attractiveness was the problem, then guys are just going to dodge the question, evade, and offer misdirecting reassurances. But if it’s something else, like intimidation or approachability, then you may well get a very helpful, honest answer out of them. Like, maybe they’ll say “I don’t know…you’re just always so serious…with your PhD and stuff…it’s a little intimidating.”

I’m just throwing stuff out there at this point hoping it might help. #3 is definitely worth trying though. That’s how you’ll get some actionable info. Let me know if the situation progresses at all!

I’ve read through this and I can relate to quite a few of these things. I just want a truly honest opinion from one of you who waited until marriage. I want a down to earth opinion, not a sugar coated opinion to reinforce me waiting until marriage. I want to know if anyone regrets waiting until marriage because now they don’t know what else is out there or because their spouse is particularly great in bed or because they feel like they can’t believe they waited so long just to have sex. Id really like to know because those are fears I have. I don’t want to get married and be constantly wondering what every other guy feels like or feeling cheated out of waiting.

If you haven’t already, check out this article: The Top 5 Arguments Against Waiting till Marriage. It covers many of the fears you just mentioned (including “wishing you could try out other people” and “your spouse not being particularly great in bed”).

As for giving you real, non-sugar-coated reassurance that you made the right call… I’ll eventually have some interviews with married people who waited up here on the site so you can hear from them directly. But until then, I can only show you this…Study: Couples Who Wait Report 22% Happier Marriages

That study, more than anything else, should calm your fears about whether waiting till marriage is a good decision. I know helped me feel better about it.

And for what it’s worth, I’ve personally known probably a dozen married couples who waited, religious and non-religious. When I asked people about their experience waiting till marriage, I used to expect a negative response. I used to assume in my bitterness that they probably regretted waiting till marriage. This has not been the case. By the large majority, the people I talk to say things like “I’m so glad we waited.” or “Waiting is totally the way to go.” or “It’s so great now.”

Until you find that special person, waiting till marriage can be a journey filled with fear and doubt and constant questioning, and waiting can make being single a thousand times more stressful. But once you find that person and make it to marriage, it’s totally the opposite experience. All your efforts are suddenly validated in a big way. Everybody who waits hopes this. They hope that waiting will pay off. After a while you start to doubt that it will, but the surprising thing is that it does. It pays off exactly like you hoped it would and slightly more. That’s what the couples I’ve known have told me, and that’s what the study I linked you to above suggests strongly.

Just please remember that life isn’t a clean cut system of sacrifices and pay offs. Sometimes doing the right thing is its own reward. Even if you’re doing the right thing for God.. God isn’t honor bound to compensate you for your efforts in a way that you might feel is sufficient.

It’s possible that you won’t get what you think you’re waiting for, period… no sparkling virgin spouse at the end of the long period of waiting, no amazingly gratifying sex life that “only virgins can have”, no sigh of relief that you’re so glad you waited and its so worth it. So don’t exaggerate any preconceived rewards for your sacrifices.

I know… I was a virgin husband at 26 years old. It was hard to get that far… really hard. I fell in love with a wonderful young woman who hadn’t waited. I chose to forgive her and to move on with life. She had had a handful of partners before me. It was so so hard for me to take… and it still is. We have been married for a couple years… we love each other very much.

We have sex about three or four times a month. She feels bad because I want it more… and she doesn’t.. but yet she can’t change. I remind you that I’m not over 30 years old, even now. We do what we can. But I do regret waiting, I hate my feeling of entitlement for something better, and I know that this woman is not my sexual counterpart… we just don’t and won’t meet with equal enthusiasm when we come together. I bought the car without the test drive. I did the right thing.

I waited…. a long time. I didn’t get a virgin. I didn’t get great sex. I didn’t get peace of mind. God didn’t hand me all the goodies I thought I deserved just because I followed the rules. And let me tell you, it’s hard to pray your way into being at peace with a healthy, unmet sexuality. So don’t get all inspired when you energetically commit to waiting. Waiting is a mature decision… a sober decision… not one to be taken lightly. It is important, good, and challenging. It is not your golden ticket to certain happiness. So run the race with more maturity than I myself could.

You are way too young to be trapped in a sexless marriage. It’s only going to get worse from here if you don’t do something about it…especially if you have kids.

Don’t just take this as your burden. Don’t take it as a martyr-slap in the face from God, or even a test. Do not let yourself think for one second that this is how it has to be for the rest of your life.

You may need to have some very uncomfortable conversations with your wife to figure out where her lack of sex drive comes from and whether you might be able to change it together.

Was she ever very enthusiastic about sex, even with other people? Can she think of anything that might improve her sex drive? Does she really want to improve it for you? Some of those questions you can ask her directly, others you may want to try to answer for yourself.

Don’t let her just shut down. Address this now while she’s still sad about it…it’s a fertile time to cultivate some change. If you wait too long on this it’ll be too late.

Worst case….well, I’m just saying…if you don’t have kids yet…now would be the time to bail if you’re going to bail.

I’ve written before that sexual compatibility is a quality like sense of humor…where you either match or you don’t. When it comes to frequency, that’s not the whole truth.

There’s an emotional factor too. A good sex life is a symptom of a passionate relationship, and likewise a bad (unfulfilling) sex life is a symptom of a relationship that’s not firing on all cylinders.

In theory, if you have all points of the true love triangle (as many successful marriages I’ve seen do), then you shouldn’t be misfiring so bad on the desire for sex front. To me, that says you’re relationship is lacking on the “passion” point. Is it? Besides the the sex factor, would you say that there’s a lot of passion in your relationship?

Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you guys are madly in love, but for her own reasons she’s just not that interested in sex as much. If that is the case, then you both should want to find out how to resolve this to your very thorough satisfaction. Because that’s what people who are madly in love do: they go out of their way to understand the other person and make them happy. They don’t just shrug their shoulders and say “Yeah, I guess I just don’t feel like it that often…sorry, I feel kind of bad.”

Maybe that’s her. Maybe she does love you a ton, does understand where you’re coming from, and does feel really bad about it, but she just doesn’t know how to overcome it. If that’s the case…all the more reason you guys should find a way past this.

Remember, this is not some cosmic “fuck you”. I’ve seen marriages like yours (where one person waited and one didn’t) work out swimmingly, with lots of sex and happiness. And conversely, I’ve seen virgin-virgin marriages be as miserable as your sounds. Like you said, there are no guarantees either way. It all depends on the people you choose. You can marry a sparkling virgin and still get stuck with a frigid sparkling virgin.

And in your case: even if you hadn’t waited until marriage…if you’d been having sex your whole dating life in multiple relationships, and then married this same girl…you’d still be stuck in a sexless marriage. You just wouldn’t be as bitter because you got to have a little fun before hand. :-p

Again though, you’re way too young to be stuck in this! You have lots of options. Don’t forget that.

Hang in there, and please come back and post an update if you get one.

Believe me: Myself and the hundreds of other waiting guys that will read this feel deeply for you and your situation (because we are all terrified of ending up in it). We have a vested interest in seeing you work this out. So work it out, and then tell us how you did it…not just for yourself, but for all of us!

I can relate to ALL 7 of those feelings at some time. I am a 20 year old college student, feeling like maybe I have ‘missing out’ on relationships because I’m not willing to go far. (No oral,anal or vaginal sex-I’m not even sure about handjobs) Anywayy I have to keep remiending myself it will be worth ti-some day, eventually I WILL meet someone, just wish it was sooner than later. Anyone relate? What have you done that helps?! Thanks!!

The key is, even if you don’t go past Point X, to be very enthusiastic and unhindered all the way up to Point X. As in, don’t be all shy and ambivalent when you’re kissing a guy because you’re weighing your values and worried about how far you go, etc. That’s what will make you harder to date and stress you out. Set the line that you won’t cross (for now). And then don’t worry about it. Be a really passionate, enthusiastic hand-holder/kisser/etc with no holding back and no guilt, and then when you reach the line you’ve decided not to cross…just stop, with a smile. This doesn’t have to be a stressful battle with your inner should/shouldn’t voice.

Show him what a great, physically intimate girl you can be without focusing too much on what you can’t be.

That is really good advice. I think I did that well with a guy that I dated in the fall. We had a couple months of getting to know each other better before we actually dated which was only like amonth =( But I was veryyyy enthusiatic in the things I was okay with but the problem was it could have very easily gone further. (We slept inthe same bed) I liked being able to cuddle and stuff but I realized I lose more of that hard core control and that why I get worried =/

In your category number 6: Regret, you misrepresent what a ‘sunk cost’ is.

In fact, you are completely, 100% incorrect. In traditional (and all forms, really) microeconomics, sunk costs are NOT counted in the final analysis because it is only future returns that matter, aka “You can’t change the past.”

If you are a 26 year old virgin WTM, in theory it does not matter in the slightest that you have waited 26 years if you would be happier having sex tomorrow.

WTM only makes sense if you believe, right now, that WTM will make you happiest from this point forward.

This is such a great post with great responses. My BF is waiting and he is 28. He is a everything but the hole type of guy. I on the other-hand am very experienced. We did alot of everything but for the first 3 years of our relationship. It was very hard and depressing for me because I have had many partners and lots of sex. But now in the 4th year, I am not interested in him sexually anymore. I wonder if that is a mental commitment thing? Like maybe virgins have more long term commitment and sustainability? My Bf is still attracted to me after all the changes (good and bad). However, I find myself fluctuating in attraction to him. I notice his commitment is steady across other aspects of his life as well. This leads me to think that virgins should marry virgins or like minded people who are committed. I feel bad because I am so whimsical with my emotions and my virgin fiance may end up like Martin, all fired up while I am all cooled off.

Thanks for your comment! I’m kind of curious to know more about where you’re coming from. At first it just sounded to me like you were bored with the limited range of activities that he’ll participate in. If that’s the case maybe it’ll get better when you get married and start having the full variety on the table like you’re used to.

But the more I read your comment, the more it seems like the commitment and long-term attraction in general is your problem. And if that’s the case, you need to tell him. Do not marry him with that kind of death knoll hanging in the air. The type of person who waits until marriage DOES generally have a stronger gearing towards long-term commitment and sustainability. You don’t have to share his sexual choices, but you should share that long-term commitment. And if you don’t, maybe you shouldn’t be together. And you damn sure shouldn’t be getting married. That’s going to end horribly, mostly for him.

Really, you should probably get that whole long-term commitment thing addressed in yourself before you consider marrying anybody, virgin or no. There is such a thing as not being the marrying type. Or being the type to date for much longer before settling down. Those are all totally cool approaches, and I’ve seen them end very happily. The secret is: don’t try to convince yourself otherwise. Don’t try to force yourself to be committed or to be happy about being committed if you’re not. Come to terms with what you want out of relationships right now, as atypical as it may be, and go with that.

P.S. – I’m kind of curious about a couple of things: 1. How have you been able to stay with him for 4 years without sex if you’re not that committed? 2. Do you think you’d feel differently now if you had been having sex this whole time?

Thanks for that. I’ll have to correct that section. I think I focused too much on what sunk cost felt like than what sunk cost actually meant, economically. Anyhow, look for that to be corrected in the future.

I found out about this website a couple of months ago whilst I was typing some stuff into Google. I was (and still am) really excited about it because, as far as I know anyway, there’s nothing else even remotely like this out there for ‘waiters’.

I can’t really say when I decided I was going to wait until marriage. I’m Catholic, and I go to a Catholic high school, but I really don’t have any friends or family who share my beliefs, and it’s not really the kind of school that tries to shove beliefs down your throat. I guess I just always knew I was going to wait, ever since I was old enough to decide.

Anyway, this article in particular has really helped me a lot. I think at some time or another, I’ve been guilty of all of these. Sometimes it’s hard to stick to my beliefs, and it really doesn’t help when I try talking to people for support, and either they just don’t understand, or they’re like: “Julie, face it! You are NEVER going to find someone like that!”. (Personally, I think they’re just jealous that they haven’t decided to wait too).

But sometimes, I almost let myself believe them. Because, unless I count the couple of people I’ve seen on TV, or all you guys on this site, I’ve never actually met anyone who shares my beliefs. Yes, it’s a Catholic high school, but no one’s really that religious.

Whenever I let my doubts get to me, this is one of the first articles on the site I read. It just says how I’m feeling. So thank you so much for writing it!

I’m sorry, I’ve let this comment get so depressing-sounding! All I really wanted to say was that I love this site, and I hope more and more people find out about it! Who knows, maybe one day everyone will start waiting till marriage!

Thanks for the comment. I didn’t sound depressing at all! I’m so glad you liked the article. There are more of us waiters than I think we all realize (although we’re still rare). So many people are just private about it. If you were to poll the sexual preferences of everybody in your school, I’d bet you’d find at least a couple other waiters, often in the places you least expect. I remember in my HS, I discovered that several of the popular jocks and cheerleaders were actually waiting. Totally shocked me, but was cool to find out. And they never advertised it; I only found out after getting to know some of them.

I am a Seattle based television producer who is looking for engaged couples who are waiting to be intimate until their wedding night to star in a new wedding show pilot. “Waiting for my Wedding Night” is a show with a very classic wedding show feel to it, but it has a twist. All our couples are virgins, or born again virgins – who have put forth the self-discipline and dedication to wait until they become husband and wife.

We are looking for very open couples, willing to share their experiences and speak candidly about their upcoming nuptials. In exchange for opening up to us about the challenges of saving your self for marriage, and the anticipation of your wedding night we will film and edit a first rate wedding video at no cost.

This demo will not air on television but we are looking for very outgoing and open people.

Our production company is an established company with the #1 rated series on National Geographic Channel.

Please contact me directly if you, or someone in your group is interested! This idea has sprung from having several couple friends who waited. I think this is a subject matter that wedding shows haven’t and should feature!

I don’t know anything about your relationship with your bf, but speaking from experience this could be a difficult road… Sex is an amazing equalizer for men… a relationship with a reasonable amount of healthy sex will stand a better chance… simply because you’re giving your man the attention he, quite frankly, expects.

If you aren’t sexually attracted to your waiting boyfriend, then you really don’t need to lead him on toward a lie. He could be fantasizing about the world of sexual adventure that’s about to open up to him…. and in the meantime you’ve been there, done that, and don’t have any plans to help him out in that department. Really, that’s just mean. Poor guy. C’mon, don’t you see how mean that is?

Mike I think had a great response to your post. You’ve already read my post, so you know what happened to me (btw we had sex twice last month) woohoo!! She loves me, but she somehow has no concept of how she’s restricting the full potential dynamic of our relationship. Sometimes she’s like ” why don’t you fix me dinner more often? ” and I’m thinking ” uum… never occured to me, wonder why I don’t feel compelled to go out of my way? ”

Sex is a basic fulfiller and motivator for men. Not in a manipulative way, but it has a nuturative aspect. If you dry him out in the sex department, he my try to jump start you with some special treatment, but then he’ll just return the favor and deprive you of emotional romance.

What I don’t like about waiting is the feeling of being less of a man.

Having to wait when other guys are getting what they want makes me feel like a unic and it doesn’t do much for my confidence level when trying to talk to and meet women.

I’ve found that when a woman senses you’re sexually inexperienced, it communicates to her that you’re low-status and doesn’t do a lot to rev her sexual engine (something that was touched upon already in the comments).

On a biological level, it makes no sense to WFM. It only makes sense in the spiritual, ‘kingdom not of this world’ Godly realm. That’s the essential dilemma. When you choose one side over the other, you’re choosing one set of rewards (or non-rewards, as was already pointed out by someone) over another. Only other Christians or believers will understand when you make this kind of decision.

The problem is, we are in the minority by a large margin. In New York, where I live, you won’t find many people who share those kinds of beliefs, although they do exist.

Getting into a relationship is easier when you go for the bang first (not necessarily on the first night, of course). At that point, you’ve got their attention and they respect you as a man. Waiting and being timid is a fast way to never get into a relationship to begin with (or get the relationship you’re looking for). What’s better?

I’ve been so frustrated that I’ve given in and had sex with two women in my life. I fear God (in the Biblical sense) for my actions, but I don’t have regrets per se because the experiences we had were wonderful (I’m not just talking sexual) and life-affirming.

I would say that they’ve taught me valuable life lessons and I’m always learning when I start new relationships (although I’m single now).

It’s funny how when I tell myself that I’m going to WFM and wait for the right girl etc. I stay single and miserable, but when I decide to venture out and say, “F-it” I meet and attract women and new people, I get into relationships etc. So once again, what’s better?

What I will say is that a guy should try to only pursue girls he’s genuinely into, not just because he thinks he can get an easy bang with them. That’s a good rule of thumb in my book.

WFM has only wreaked emotionally and physical havoc on my body, mind, and spirit and I’m at a point where I don’t want anything to do with it when I think about it, logically, but in the back of my mind, I do still respect God’s will regarding sex and don’t want to misuse it, so I try to strike a balance between the two.

Every evil I have ever seen come from waiting till marriage has come from the “waiting” mentality. I also agree that women can get away with the “waiting on my prince to come” mentality much more than us guys can.

As for feeling like a unic: I definitely know what you mean (see the comic in Sin #5: Hopelessness). When I think about it though, I only really feel like a unic when compared to girls who are the polar opposite of my value structure. Like if I try to keep up with one of those hyper-sexual, one-night-stander type girls, I will totally feel like a unic. I don’t usually feel that way with girls that I’m actually interested in, because my time with them is so cerebral and conversation-based.

More than feeling like a unic, I feel like an outsider for having exactly the standard you mentioned (only going for girls you’re genuinely into). I can count the number of girls I’ve been genuinely into throughout my life on one hand (specifically: 3). But even the “I’m kind of into her” girls pull enough emotion out of me not really think on the sexual track until it gets to the bedroom and I have to start explaining things.

Are you totally sure that you’re not just naturally a shy, introspective, under-confident guy with perhaps a bigger than average brain? That’s usually the type of guy who waits. To me, short-game experience matters more than sexual experience as far as confidence and attracting girls goes. If I approach a girl, I worry about things like: Does she find me attractive? Does she respond well to confidence or find it overbearing? Does she have a boyfriend? My sexual experience (or lack thereof) is the last thing on my mind, because most of the time girls just assume that you have sex like everybody else. I know that my chances with a given girl depend on my looks and my personality in context of the setting and her own personality type, not on anything to do with what I haven’t done in the bedroom.

Waiting till marriage doesn’t have to make you meek. But sometimes naturally meek-seeming people choose to wait until marriage. I include myself in that.

Likewise, you can improve your confidence and number-getting abilities without having to have sex.

It’s the conflict that’s killing you. You mentioned having two mentalities: When you’re not waiting you’re balls-to-the-wall. When you are waiting you’re meek and miserable. What’s stopping you from being balls-to-the-wall up until the bedroom?

Anyhow, more to be discussed under your other comments on other articles. 🙂

In any case, you should come join the forums! At least it’ll make you feel somewhat surrounded with people who share your values, even if they are far away (and some might not be).

Reading Martin and AY’s comments really got to me; I felt for their situations. At the same time though, I wonder what form of contraception Martin’s wife is using? I’ve read that hormonal contraception is notorious for demolishing a woman’s sex drive, and sometimes getting off of it can revive a marriage sexually. Just a thought…

So glad I found this article. This article describes how I’ve felt for so many years, especially the part about over-eagerness. Its good to see that other people have made the same choice as me. This really makes me feel good.

I am married now for 5 months and we waited for marriage. I thought I wanted to wait but now I feel like neither of us is experienced and the sex just feels super awkward and he’s pretty square and I don’t think he would want to experiment with anything. I guess I am just one of those people who regrets waiting because maybe if we had had sex with other people and gotten good before, sex with my husband wouldn’t be so terrible.

Thanks for your comment. First of all: Never assume that a guy does not want to experiment sexually. I assure you that most of us are perverse enough to try pretty much anything. He probably just feels as insecure as you do about it. The only thing that matters is that you both want to improve. From that point forward it’s just a matter of keeping the lines of communication open in the bedroom.

Everybody sucks and has no idea what they’re doing at first. In fact, most people continue sucking — even if they have lots of partners before marriage — until they get in a relationship that allows in-bedroom communication. That’s where all the learning happens…when you can talk as freely inside the bedroom as you do outside of it.

So give it another shot. Don’t give up! You’re married now…you’ve got lots and lots of time to figure this out, and once you do I promise you that the situation will turn around 180 degrees. 5 months from now you could be raving about your sex life with your husband, instead of lamenting about it.

My advice: Have a couple glasses of wine, and then bring it up as a conversation topic. When you want to say something but are afraid of what he might think, say it anyway. Cross those lines and really break the seal…I’ll bet his floodgates will open.

That’s great advice Mike, and I would add, maybe she can do what Pretty Woman did when Edward came home from the office one night: strip down to nothing, wear his favourite tie, adopt a sexy pose beside a romantic candlelit dinner and when he comes in, coo, “How was your day dear?”

Lol- sorry, but I thought sex between 2 virgins who finally marry should take at least a year to get started. !! =P

Hi Mike,
Your articles are very encouraging. I’m only 22, but in the habit of commiting a few of these, especially the doubt, so I appreciate the advice on how to overcome it 🙂 Thanks again for the encouraging words and best wishes on your own search for “the one” (:

@KS – Hey buddy! Happy to see you back! If you remember, the last time you were here I gave you an ultimatum after your run of cryptic troll comments. I said that the next thing you posted had better be a reasoned criticism or an explanation of why you’re so bitter, or else I would delete it. I appreciate your adhering to my wishes by articulating your grievances in somewhat complete sentences. I think our relationship is headed in the right direction.

But I think I’m going to have to set a new rule for you: From now on, I’m going to delete anything from you that doesn’t include a partial backstory. I want to know a little bit about who you are, and why you’re so damned angry and bitter.

Now, a couple quick points:

1. The point of this website is not advice. Every waiter knows that no amount of platitudes will ever be as comforting as someone else just walking up to you and saying “Hi, I’m Susie/Billy, and I’m with you in this battle. Me too.” That’s what this website is about. It’s not about advice and empty encouragement. It’s about saying “I know. Me too.”

People keep coming on here and saying “you’re all stupid it’s never going to work out for you.” But those people overlook the group of 100+ waiters who have already found new friends here at WTM.org, who consistently report feeling happier and less angry & bitter since finding this website, and who have already started to in-date.

2. I’m at least smart enough to recognize other smart people. You are crazy-bitter, KS, but you’ve got a capable mind somewhere under all that hate. I curious to know what massive hurt is making you waste it on trolling comment threads.

Mike,
I’m impressed with most everything you’ve posted, and your insightful responses to the comments. I know you guys here don’t want to make waiting a “religious” thing, but I must tell you that, as a follower of Jesus, I WOULD NOT have the self-control to wait (23 and counting) if it weren’t for the Holy Spirit’s power inside of me. It’s incredible that people can do it without Him. But in the “pain” of waiting, since it can feel like physical torment, I’ve come to learn so much. Yes, my relationships are better- more noble- since I strive to not see people as sex-objects (again, something I can only do with the Holy Spirit’s strength!). But the cherry on top is how satisfying my relationship with God is. I had no idea how amazing it is to know and be known by Yahweh, Creator God. He says in His Word that the pure in heart are blessed because they will “see Him.” I agree with a lot of the benefits you list resulting from waiting, but the single most powerful one for me is how fired up spiritually I am because of purity (physically and mentally). Jesus satisfies! Someone here stated that waiting will not automatically give a great marriage. It’s true, so while waiting is so much better than not waiting, our ultimate hope needs to be in the unchanging indestructible One. If you think about it, there won’t be marriage or sex in heaven, just relationships with God and people. So there’s something deeper here we were made for, and I want to start experiencing it now.
Keep up the good work!

I just decided to wait about a year ago. I’m 14. Even though it hasn’t been very long being a waiter, I can identify with quite a bit of these. Even though I’m young and I’m a long way off from marriage, I worry that I may sit around waiting for my soul mate and then be 50 and still never have found him. I don’t want to be one of those people who gets married at age 50. I mean, to each his own, if you’re ok with being married past the age of around 40 then I can totally respect that, but that’s not what I want. I want to be married around age 25 to 30. I want him to be a virgin, and I want him to be a Christian, or at least a religion really close to it. I mean, not OVERLY religious, because I’m not the kind of person who goes to church every Sunday and reads my bible every night. But I do have my own very special relationship with the Lord.
Anyway, I just fear that I may not ever find someone that meets my qualifications. I fear that maybe my standards are too high for anyone to meet. I really don’t want to lower them, though. I’m very firm on marrying a fellow waiter and a Christian (or close to it). I feel that if I go back on my standards, I’ll feel cheated. I don’t want to get married to someone and not feel completely confident about it. I don’t want to have regrets.
When I first my decision to wait, I didn’t really think about all the “what ifs” of it, if you know what I mean. I didn’t realize how complicated this issue really is. That doesn’t mean I’m going to change my mind about being a waiter. I am firm on waiting until marriage.
I just don’t know. I’m so confused. I don’t want to regret my decision to wait, but then again I don’t want to not wait and then end up finding the man that meets all of the qualifications I had in my mind as a 14 year old, and then feel like kicking myself because I totally screwed up everything for myself…

Oh, and I just wanted to tell you how much I love this site. I’ve never seen another site like this. I found it about a month ago while searching around on google, and man am I glad I did! It’s so comforting to know that I’m not the only one feeling this way. And the people on here are so understanding. No one insults or ridicules anyone else for having different beliefs. It’s great to see a website with such a great community of people on it. Thank you so much. You’ll never know how much this site has helped me.

Thanks for writing this article. It encapsulates a lot of feelings that I have had in an incredible way. The one issue I had was the argument on “sunk cost”. In economics and in other aspects of life, rational decisions should not be based on sunk costs. A sunk cost is money, time, or any other valuable thing that you will never get back. Your future choices should be based on payments made between now and the expected benefits as well as any costs incurred from the action. Yea it sucks to have sunk costs that aren’t going to lead to what you wanted originally, but it doesn’t make sense to keep pouring resources into something just because you have already poured a lot of resources into it. I am not trying to argue for breaking abstinence. I am currently a virgin in a relationship and I don’t know what I want for myself. Thanks again for this article and helping me to further piece things together.

Joan, i will just say that 14 is probably the hardest time to wait, and its typically the time a lot of young ppl give in, because sex is still mysterious, your body is raging with desire, life seems to be taking so long to pass by and, “the right time” to get married “25-30” seems so far away. Well, the least i would recommend is that you wait until 18. Take it that far…. Demand a little respect for your body from young men. As a former teen male, i can tell you that any young man wanting to sleep with you now is not thinking noble or long-term thoughts. You definately won’t be the last girl he sleeps with, so why be his first? Why would you owe him that? Any boy your age is too restless to stay fascinated with a single relationship. Wait until you trully develop into a vibrant, full-blown woman. You’ll be better at picking a sexual partner because you’ll be older and wiser. That’s the way it goes for all of us. We all have to learn about ourselves before we start making better decisions in life. You should wait a few years more. And if a guy really loves you more than himself, he will wait too.

Jess, BTW I just read your comment about waiting until marriage. I congratulate you both! It wasn’t easy was it?

Yes, it makes perfect sense that your sex life seems awkward. In fact, sex inherently is kind of awkward, period. Think about it. Besides, “performance” in the bedroom was never such a big deal until Hollywood blew our collective minds with closely choreographed, airbrushed, third-person perspective sex….. and sex just isn’t that way. So, don’t be concerned about that.

I’ve been married for almost four years now. I waited for marriage too. The one big ingrediant you both have to communicate to each other is PASSION. LOVE each other. Be free and forgiving. Embrace and caress. He’ll roll on your hair by accident, he’ll fail to find “the spot”, he’ll last for 15 seconds sometimes and you know what? You’ll be just as bad. If he doesn’t seem very creative, then take his hands and put them where you want them.

But in the end, what you both NEED is to FEEL WANTED, and to FEEL PASSION. The bruises, lost contacts, minor sprains, pregnancy scares and sheet changes are all part of the reality of sex.

This page is a sort of auto-hypocrisy. in saying its so called “bad” to judge others which causes spite… as they said. They in fact are judging the accused “judgers.” The author of this article is a hypocrite. The author makes it clear they think it is bad that people do this “judging”, which in reality is people trying to impose good values not bad ones and give the truth. Good values should be imposed while bad values should not…most would agree. What one person believes is a good value or not depends on their belief system. Someone should not describe people who refuse to engage in such activities like premarital sex as wrongly judging others by thinking these activities are wrong. In reality they themselves are judging and trying to impose what they think is a good value (not judging others). This conflict and argument is caused by two different point of views of the arguing parties. The author of the article seems to defend moral relativism( the idea that you can determine your own good and bad values) while the one against premarital sex would often argue a revealed truth of morality and thus believes in God. In an atheistic (no God) world it would make sense to not impose any values because it would minimize violence and confusion (there would also be no government because it too imposes values and likely anarchy). In a world where God exists, good values should be imposed because religions are made to teach them, that is one of their main purposes. Read Matthew 18:15 in the bible if you are Christian. So if you say ,without specification, not to judge others, to someone you believe who is; you are being a hypocrite because you yourself are judging and are also using an atheistic argument.

I personally believe one should not give up their values to satisfy what is, “politically correct” in the world. So I believe it is right to share my faith and values with others because I assume that my beliefs are right through faith that they were revealed. You may say they beg the question. But atheists also assume they are right. They beg the question too. All belief systems beg the question because they cannot be empirically proven. All must strive to spread what they believe are good values without being hypocrites. Don’t use others for your own desires. That is the opposite of love.(agape)

A few things. First of all: wow. It is so fantastic to know that there are other people that not only deal with the same things I deal with, but also know the end results.

Martin, you are the example of everything I feared, and to see you so positively influencing others is very inspiring. You have a wonderful heart, and I am still curious as to how exaclty you and your wife are doing–are you guys more on fire now that you talked with her? (I’m sorry if that is too personal.)

Joan, please don’t give up. Your standards are not too high. The fact is, you are close to what I would view as an girl with ideal characteristics (not only virgin, but also Christian and ACCEPTING of a religion that isn’t your own). Keep up the good work and have faith.

Mike,
Your article is practically 100% everything I’ve been feeling (I’m a virgin too of age 18). Though I have a few questions. I had decided a few years ago that I would wait abstain so that I could: not get STD’s/pregnancy, have a healthy marriage (not be worried about being compared to previous guys), because God says so, and so that I could be important to my wife. I decided this when I was 15. After my last girlfriend I really got to thinking what my real motives were for abstaining. She wasn’t a virgin and I was and it made me really jealous and bitter. I came to realize that, although waiting would be ideal for the possible results it could have, I would never be able to marry a girl unless she was a virgin too. I pondered this endlessly and came to the conclusion that I want my wife and myself to have the same experiences, kind of like wanting us to have equal lives. I’ll be going to college this fall and I don’t know if I should party or try to wait until marriage to find out about sex. I definitely want to know what it’s like to be special enough to take someone’s virginity but I don’t know if I should try to wait for that opportunity with my wife because I don’t know if I will find a girl that is pure and that matches me emotionally as well as–not to mention how rude it’d be to try and date girls to find out who I want to marry and then say “Oh, well I only date virgins.” Basically, I want that experience but I only want to wait if she waits for me too. What advice do you have for someone like me? I want to wait but only if she does too, and if she partied then I want to know what it’s like to party and have sex before we get married. And if she did wait for me and I didn’t wait for her, I don’t want her to be hurt by my actions (or be uncomfortable with me) just because I was unsure of what I wanted to do and had sex in college. I feel like everything would be so easy to decide if I knew the future, but I don’t which makes my decision so hard to make. Thanks for considering what I had to say!

Recently, I have been feeling really doubtful and alone in my views on this topic, so I am very thankful I stumbled upon this article at this particular time. As a 17 year old girl surrounded by seemingly my whole school and friends group engaging in sex or desperately wanting to, I had been starting to lose hope in finding others that feel the same way. It’s been really encouraging to see other people around my age share these same beliefs. I am hoping that although college will be tempting since sex will be a main focus of a large amount of the people I will meet, this website and helpful articles will continue to show me I’m on a path others are/have been on too. I just want to thank Joan, James, and especially Mike for their contributions on this topic and restoring my faith on this difficult decision!

In answer to your concerns about waiting and finding a another virgin to share your bed with: I can only make recommendations and no guarantees.

Your problem about “finding a virgin” is a great trial for many men… Though society won’t admit it. We don’t like being even the second guy whose “been there” with a girl. Depending on what kind of man we are, If we love the woman in question, it deeply hurts. If we just want to get between her legs, it’s still there in the back of our mind, making us feel a little gross. And… granted… If we’re the type of guy who doesn’t think he cares at all that he’s further down the pecking order…. we still don’t want to be compared to past men….. so our pride in such relationships is always a chip on our shoulder. Many modern women wonder why they date so many insecure jerks who keep emotional commitment at arms length. It might have something to do with the man’s insecurity about the relationship itself and the not-so-specialness of the intimacy.

I recommend highly that you try to find a virgin. The fact of her faithfulness will be a blessing to your heart and mind. However, keep in mind that virginity is not by any means the sole definition of a fine woman. There are many women out there who have not waited, but who have grown in the process. Whoever you chose to marry, remember that they will be a daily life-companion. Her perfect past will keep your mind at peace… But it will not equate directly to a good lover, a good mother, or a good friend.

My wife is a beautiful and caring woman. As you have read, we have our problems in bed, and she has her past. If I had the choice of my wife having a perfect sex drive or a perfect past, I would take the sex drive, and give the past over to personal growth. I’ve learned to forgive the past and to embrace our friendship, but the sexual starvation of the present is a daily challenge.

On another topic you raised, I recommend that you willfully de-mystify sex for yourself. Meaning, don’t be courious about it. I know that is sounds like strange advice…. But as a married man, I can tell you that sex isn’t very mysterious…. and once you’ve had it a few times, sheer curiosity will not be a motivator anymore. Sexual attraction will be the reason to have sex… And not curiosity. How many times have you heard a young person say how curious they were about sex, and that’s the reason they randomly gave away their virginity? Well, don’t be curious. Sex is pretty amazing,… And that’s a fact. You don’t have to “do it” to know for certain that you will enjoy it a lot. Ask a friend if they enjoy sex. Yes? Good. Mystery solved.

Getting back to the main gist of your post: Love does strange, cruel, but ultimately rewarding things to a man. You are assuming that having sex yourself will ease your emotional discomfort if the woman you marry doesn’t wait for you. I don’t believe it will help. I believe that your first inclination will be jealousy and insecurity… Simply because you love her. If you have a sexual history yourself, it will be irrelevant to the here-and-now of your love for her. Love and special regard for a woman exhibits the most profound qualities of a man. For us, the physical and emotional of loving are largely one and the same. Regardless of our own history, love will make us vulnerable to the woman’s sexual history… But love is also the only means we have to forgive her. So I won’t guarantee you that having sex now will make things easier later. You must keep in mind that you will love the woman you ultimately marry. Doing so means no emotional guarantees.

Wow. It is VERY strange how I came across this article because I was thinking to myself how I really needed to talk to someone about my dilemma of being a virgin. im not a wtm marriage virgin im a waiting til the right person virgin. Every stage mentioned here I have experienced though since last October. I used to feel empowered and alot of guys were intrigued. Now idk. Most of the guys I meet are still intrigued (such as the guy i like now) but i feel as if he only wants to marry me, not date me and neither one of us are looking to be married anytime soon. He said he sees me as a Goddess and it is a compliment but if i didnt plan to wait til marriage idk if he would still see my the same way. I feel as though he wants me to wait until he wants to actually settle down with one person.We are young and i know he may not be ready but i feel i am. But he is the only guy I feel at the moment would truly wait and not pressure me if we were in a serious relationship. I feel like alot of guys I meet just see me as someone they would marry but what am I suppose to do in the mean time? Sit here til I’m 30 with no dating experience? I also get scared with the thought that after I have sex with one guy I won’t be ‘me’ anymore. I like being a virgin but then I don’t. I know i have avoided alot of stuff that girls usually deal with,.and my friends and sisters tell me to stay this way but then idk. They’re lives seem more interesting. but they tell me that if they could do.it.differently.they would.im caught at a crosswords and don’t know if i just stay a virgin for the right person? Stay a virgin til marriage? Or become a nun :-(. ? Weird thing is I’m not Christian, I’m a secular buddhist so even if I found a Christian man who was celibate until I was ready he may not agree with my belief system. And the buddhist i know are like.sexually empowered and i dont think im there yet. I just don’t know where I belong Mike. Any advice please

This is Darla again, sorry for so many grammaticial errors Mike i was writing from my phone. I meant to add that the boy i like now i could see myself being comfortable losing my virginity to him, but he and I want two different things right now so i know its best to let go so i dont get too emotionally involved. im just scared that i wont meet another person who respects me the same way because he and i have known eachother for a long time (4 year friendship) and it takes a long time for me to get comfortable with guys. I wish i could return back to my optimistic mind but it is hard when my choice to be a virgin for now is like a sea-saw ride

I experience “worry.” The only way I know of to put a positive spin on it is to do pretty much what you suggested. I concentrate on looking attractive well into middle-age. I want to eat well and start exercising more. I would love to be one of those guys who looks amazing at 40.

Mike, I have to say, I am super impressed , not only with this article, but also the great insight you have provided to everyone bold enough to comment.

Now, for my opinion…

It was uncanny to me how much I was able to relate to the 7 Deadly Sins. Seriously. Every single one struck a chord within my heart. I think you did a better job of verbalizing my own emotions than I ever could.

I’m a 19-year-old college student that grapples with these exact issues on a daily basis. It’s my lifelong convictions versus the world. And, the temptations/pressure to abandon my ‘WTM’ beliefs are becoming ever stronger. Though I don’t have a girlfriend with whom I can venture toward the boundaries premarital sex with, the temptations are still there.

The ‘over-eagerness’ portion of this article rings the most clearly with me. Every time I encounter a girl that could even slightly be a potential long-term mate, my mind promptly begins to ‘plan out our future.’ All of a sudden, I forget about all the red flags (prior sexual history, underage alcohol consumption, lack of spirituality, etc.) that would disqualify her to begin with. I quickly become infatuated with her, or the idea of her, and convince myself that it’s her or nobody. I don’t know where I get this feeling of time constraint, but this issue is slowly killing me on the inside. I am nearly always stressed because of situations like this. It can affect my academic performance, overall mood, and health.

How can I combat this feeling of hopeless haste? How can I become more patient? Thanks to any and all answers in advance.

Hello good people, am a 26 yrs lady, who have decided to wait till marriage but derailed based on peer-pressure and now because of childhood trauma which is the cause of my repulse to intimacy. It’s now inevitable because I have found my special one but I can’t help looking forward to our wedding night when we’ll have to perform the act(not with excitement but for fear).

Am scared of intimacy, I don’t know how to put out to him that am scared of intimacy because we’ve never gotten intimate (since both decided to wait) I don’t want to disappoint him and am too shy to confess that I feel ashamed of myself.

@Lola – You need to at least bring this up with your boyfriend before you get married. Don’t just spring it on him. It will be easier for him to deal with it constructively if he has time to adjust his expectations beforehand. Plus, if you start dealing with this now there’s a good chance you can improve the situation long before your wedding night!

Talk to a relationship therapist about this if at all possible. They can help you much more than I can (especially through an internet comment thread).

The good news here is that you’ve recognized the problem, and you’ve recognized it early. That gives you great odds for solving it (or at least making it better) before it corrodes the relationship.

Intimacy issues do not have to be permanent. They CAN be healed. Of course, they FEEL like a permanent, unchangeable part of you. But that kind of thinking makes it worse. When you tell yourself that this problem is unsolvable, that you’re damned, or that you have no choice left but to face inevitable pain, you keep reinforcing and strengthening the problems.

The sooner you talk to somebody, the sooner you can break that cycle and start heading towards a happier life.

Trying to fix intimacy issues AND waiting till marriage is going to be tricky, but I think it’s possible. Still, you may have to fudge the line a little, in terms of the physical boundaries you’ve set for waiting, to really get something out of therapy. Meet your therapist half way on the waiting thing if you can.

For all the benefits waiting till marriage can bring, it can also increase neuroticism, especially when you’re extremely strict with yourself about it. You may have to become slightly less strict with yourself about waiting in the interest of healing your intimacy issues.

In my view, your intimacy issues are a bigger threat to your relationship right now than going a little farther physically would be.

my situation is i think completely different from everyone else whos commmented on this post. Im 18 and i think iv found ‘the one’, and weve been dating since we were 12. We decided to wait when we were quite young-16 maybe, and we’re sticking to it.Like a previous poster we are unofficially engaged-if everything works out with university, we plan on getting married. But its SO DAMN HARD waiting. We have done pretty much everything but sex, though i try to keep really intimate stuff to a minimal to avoid ‘slip-ups’. Its so frustrating, and whilst it has made us closer as a couple without a doubt lying there just wanting it so much has got to be one of the most miserable experiences I have been through. Any ideas/advice?

What if you wait, wait wait… it finally happens at 30 and the sex is so terrible that you don’t want to have it much(and/or you find their genitals taste bad naturally… which I’ve unfortunately experienced)??? Then should you experience regret? lol

Random thought. I think it’d be interesting to see how many people waited until marriage in a world without contraception. Condoms have given us the idea that sex is a fun recreational activity that makes no sense to avoid. If there was a natural risk of pregnancy associated with sex…. As there once was…. Then most people would look at sex with more respect, and with greater natural restraint.

Guys would still want sex just as much, and porn magazines would still sell like hot cakes. But, in the end I think sex would once again be so closely associated with creating children, that it would seem a lot more like a one way ticket to parenthood than pure fun. Sex would once again be magic, protected and taboo, instead of common and recreational.

Once again, a well-written very honest article! I have never read something that hits so close to home as it relates to my virginity/waiting until marriage. I’m glad that you’ve realized the struggles WTM people face. I’ve dealt with all of these, with the last 3 being the greatest I deal with on a daily. Thank you for this article! My prayer is that I just go to God, along with prayer & filling myself up with His word so that it makes it less harder to deal with the 7 points. I’ve realized that I must do this; I wlll do this, because If I don’t, I will go crazy.

Cheers to All. I really liked this article, and am impressed at the author’s insightfulness and ability to express his ideas in a relatable way.

I would like to encourage those who are WTM to not forget the many benefits of their decision, since awareness of these benefits can be a powerful way to avoid the “7 deadly sins of WTM.” If you are always aware of these benefits, especially during times of struggle, I believe that you will have an easier time upholding your commitment and maintaining peace.

Some of the benefits of WTM are obvious, others are not so obvious. Obvious benefits include: avoiding STDs, avoiding unwanted pregnancy, and avoiding conflict with one’s faith convictions. These are all significant reasons to once again be at peace with your commitment to WTM.

The more subtle benefits of WTM are worthy of more than just a simple list, and many of these benefits do not reveal themselves until a person is older and more mature.

First and foremost, WTM aids you in getting into relationships for the right reasons; that is, a genuine affection for and appreciation for someone else, in their entirety. Anything less than this is not only ignoble, but it is liable to lead to personal and interpersonal conflict that has the potential of ultimately robbing your life, and someone else’s life, of the joy you deserve.

Second, WTM fosters discipline and should be a powerful motivator. Harnessing one’s sexual drive is harnessing one of the most powerful forces in all of humanity. It requires will power and persistence, which are commendable and useful qualities to have in and of themselves.

Third, WTM frees you from the complications of “half-baked” relationships that ultimately are a waste of your time and energy. While others are “having fun” experimenting with the opposite sex, you can spend your time on more noble pursuits such as learning another language, mastering a musical instrument, giving back to the community, or obtaining credentials or degrees. In short, you are building yourself up to be somebody special who will someday be cherished forever, versus squandering your time on frivolities and having not much to offer when it is eventually your time to get married.

Fourth, WTM tends to foster a high-minded and complete vision of human sexuality. It helps us to more easily identify sexual expression as being part of the noble pursuit of bearing and raising offspring, and that, as such, it is what many would refer to as sacred. There are only so many rituals and actions that reach into the human core enough to be considered sacred, and most societies in human history have sought to preserve and honor these. Sexual expression has this potential, and being able to see and experience this is enhanced when one WTM.

In conclusion, these are just a few of the benefits that those who are WTM should remind themselves of when faced with the specter of the 7 deadly sins of WTM. To be sure, there are many more; but, it is not my intention to write an exhaustive list. Overall, my hope is that you are reminded to once again look at the glass as half full rather than half empty. And remember, you will seldom come across a worthy adult who, when told that you saved yourself for marriage, doesn’t look at you with radiance and joy, secretly understanding that you have accomplished something praiseworthy and beautiful, that you are a beacon of light and hope amidst a world of so much darkness.

About myself:

I generally like knowing a little about those who make posts, since it allows me to better size up what is being said and where the writer is coming from. In that light, I’d just like to say that I am a 33-year-old male from California who has never had sex and who plans to wait till marriage. Moreover, I am a completely normal, healthy, and reasonably happy individual. I was raised as a Roman Catholic in a loving family and began my journey of WTM as a result of the religious convictions I was raised with. However, when I entered my early 20’s, my religious convictions became less of an important factor in my decision, as my understanding of the world became more complete and I began to form a more personal understanding of why most cultures have traditionally considered sex before marriage as taboo. I can say that my personal journey has not been without serious struggles, however, especially now that some of my youthful good looks and naivete have begun leaving me in recent years. But, it is not hard to remind myself that what is most important is a life based on principle and good character, and that sexual expression is more about intimacy, spirituality, and personal connection than it is about physical appearance, despite what our “Hollywood” culture often leads us to believe. Ultimately, we must make do with the culture that we find ourselves in, whether it is in line with what is right or not, and when the time is right for us to enter the calling of marriage, we will know it, and that is the time when we are called to naturally celebrate and bear the responsibilities of sexual expression. In the meantime, let us be the best that we can be, living lives of integrity, hope, and joy, with the faith that life will unfold in the way it was meant to be.

Thank you, Mike, for this wonderful article and for giving the opportunity to connect with likeminded folk. You have done all of us a service, and should be proud of what you stand for.

I’m 17 and I’m planning on waiting until marriage. However, everyone tells me that I am too “old fashioned” and that guys won’t stick around when they discover I am a virgin. I already do everything but intercourse with my boyfriend of over a year. Originally he was okay sky waiting, but now he is pushing more and more for sex, saying that he wants to do this for me and that I “need to value his virginity as much as mine.” I feel too young to have sex. I think it is something for marriage and I am willing to wait (this may be easier for me because I have a low libido). But sometimes I feel like waiting will just be a waste of my time

It is true: some “guys won’t stick around when they discover” that you’re a virgin. And that is good, as those guys are inordinately interested in being in a relationship with you so that they can have sex, as opposed to because they want to be with you because they appreciate you as a friend and partner. I would personally be overjoyed to meet a special girl and to find out that she was a virgin, and I am in my early 30’s.

I am still a young women but I am really serious about waiting and when the time cums I would love to meet a good hearted preferably virgin man to spend my life with.(I say preferably because I do not know what my future hold in store for me)

I waited, and I have been married for 8 years to a wonderful husband. I regret waiting. It is the single biggest regret of my life. You don’t come back from years of abstinence, and suddenly have the ability to have a functional sexual relationship. It sucks believing for years that virginity is the most special thing about you. I can’t erase years of loneliness or the humiliation of having my sexuality always the topic of conversation. It was always the snag in every relationship. I wasn’t a person, I was a virgin. That pain never goes away, and ‘suck it up, and pray’ is not helpful advice.

I waited until I got married at 26 years old, and I’ve been married now for 5 years. She didn’t wait… a few times over.

Just believe me when I tell you that I didn’t have to wait. I’m attractive and intelligent. I work out, hunt, I’m strong, I’m fast, I design buildings, build computers, create art and write. I can shoot a target 1000 yards away and clean the bones of 175 pound deer for the deep freeze. I am capable of making love for over 20 minutes and I tell my wife every day that she is beautiful. I wash dishes, sweep floors, do the laundry daily and help her with projects.

I haven’t had sex for six months. My wife has single handedly destroyed my trust for women in this respect. I don’t like women at all now. I can’t respect them at all now, because I recognize that western feminism has destroyed their ability to love beyond their precious little comfort zone. If its icky.. no they won’t love you. It’s their prerogative after-all.

I’m now learning to deal with what my responsibilities are as a married man and a father, and hoping to do a good job raising the beautiful little boy we made together.

I can especially relate to the over-eagerness, being worried for never meeting ‘the one’ and being sad that I might never even get to be a ‘cute couple’ because my beauty will witter away. It is scary to think about.

I am 20. I know I am still young.. but I am dying to find my soul mate. Honestly, it is not even because of sex, it is not the main factor. I am really not saying this to sound super pious or anything. It is more sharing and building up a life together with my true love forever and being with the man I love and who loves me (and okay being a cute young couple).

I think why I feel so worried that I will never meet the real ‘the one’ is because men who would be suitable (in terms of social environment, educational level) never seem to express that kind of interest in me. However, I am very often approached by men with whom I have nothing in common; different values (not opposing values – but different), different educational level and ambition, different approach to life, and for some reason not really attractive either. I am a smart, hard-working and attractive woman, and I have big ambitions for my studies and work. Honestly, I would expect myself to be a catch.

Recently, I met a really good man that I have become in a relationship with. He is in his late 20’ies.. I actually don’t know if he is waiting. However, I can recognise a couple of the ‘frustrations’ in him too. But I can see that it is not going to work out because of these differences I mentioned before. I just seem to make up excuses for him to be my soul mate, thinking that maybe I am just being judgemental, traditional, close-minded…. but it worries me that all of my friends who have met him really dislikes him.

This article is pretty true…. but also 20’s centric. The 7 feelings are real and painful, yet ways to overcome it in this article are trivial. I’m 32 and at this point believe WTM may have been the worst choice and regret of my life. Yes, WTM can be a powerful and good choice for many, but to insist that this is the ultimate and right choice can be assumptive and damaging. I gambled away a decade of sex in my 20’s on a hope of a waiting for great Christian marriage. Although this took great effort and integrity I am fairly certain at this point that I fell for a massive and tragic scam.

@Female 32 – I’m 31, so I understand how you feel. I apologize for the weaker fixes recommended in this article. My purpose here was more to define the problems than solve them. Even now, years after writing this article, it’s still hard to find great solutions. In general though, the best solution to everything that ills waiters is “get out and date.” If you can’t do that, then you’re biggest problem isn’t waiting; it’s persistent singlehood. We lump the pains of singlehood together with waiting pains too much. We blame waiting for our being single, even though many people are more accepting of it than we expect them to be.

Finally, if you feel like waiting is a scam that you bought into, then you were looking at it the wrong way from the start. It was never supposed to be something you bought into, even though that’s how many people come to it. It’s less stressful when it’s something you want for yourself, spontaneously and apart from any desire to conform to a standard.

And of course it’s not right for everybody; I hope this article doesn’t imply that, but I realize that everybody who visits this website ASSUMES that we’re pushing it on people and coming from the same place their high school abstinence educator was.

Well this article resounds with me pretty well. I’m 23, about to be 24 in July. I’m a college graduate, I make over 100k a year, I work for a Fortune 500 company, I travel a lot due to my job and I get some awesome career training. I’m in good health, I exercise. I don’t drink either. I’m a virgin mostly due to my religious beliefs. I can’t honestly say I’m glad I waited or not. It has saved me some grief and created some other ones. I completely identify with the article above. I will tell you this right now. I’m not going into 25 being one. The hell with that. It is a big enough of a burden already. The guys I work with are all older than I am and think I’m insane and need to do something about it. I completely agree with them too. The more I think about it the less reasoning I can come up with to wait. I haven’t even dated, I’m telling you, I’ve lived the life of a damn monk. When people find out I’m a virgin, it is like they are either in awe and say it is something they could never do or they believe I am full of it.

The typical response “You went to school where, what? I don’t believe you, I would have partied and F’d my ass off.

I still live with my parents but I’m saving for a house. My parents are very religious and would kick me out if I started drinking or “fornicating.” Hence,why I am staking it out. However, the thing is my parents weren’t like that to begin with. They partied when they were young, had sex with who they wanted and did drugs. Hippie rockers is what I call them. They got “saved”. Yet I’m expected to be Jesus Christ incarnate. You know, I have a word of advice for parents out there. It is a whole lot easier to expect things out of your children that you didn’t even achieve yourself. It is one thing to have lived your life and then make a choice to abstain from things. You got it out of your system but to expect so much out of someone who hasn’t lived their own isn’t a fair comparison.

I completely agree with waiting until 18 or even a couple of years into college. Allow yourself to grow. Allow your brain to develop. Allow yourself some time of self discovery. Have fun. However, after reading some stories like Martin and others not on this forum. Don’t set yourself up for false expectations. I wouldn’t leave college having not had sex. Looking back, I wish I had. I definitely had a lot of opportunities.

This virginity thing is becoming embarrassing. It is like I’m less of a man.

Biggest thing I’ve learned and something I want people to take away from my experience. Live life happy and live a life that is enjoyable. Live every day like it is your last. Cherish the small and big moments. Don’t be afraid to live. I defiantly would leave your early 20s being a virgin. No way in hell. No way. Don’t even think about it. Don’t even believe that horse shit. I don’t care if it is bad sex, good sex, or so so sex. At least you get it out of the way. You don’t have to be like me going through some manufacturing class or doing some math problem and all you can think about is having sex. Why, because you never have. I think it is emotionally debilitating. I feel handicapped by it. Seriously, I am warning you. Don’t let yourself go too long.

The last paragraph, 6th sentence of my last post should be wouldn’t leave your early 20s being a virgin, not would. I have some grammar errors but I’m typing on an iPad, and I’m not good at it.

One thing I can say about married couples who waited and their sex life is terrible or nonexistent is that I don’t think I could put up with that for 5 minutes let alone years. Really, after all those years of waiting, not having sex, only to not have sex some more. Are you really kidding me. Are you serious. No way.

You know I’m a bit disappointed with all the huff and puff that is taught in youth groups and other areas. The “God has someone special waiting for you.” You know most of the people my age who got married in church all got married young. Not only that but they got married to people in the church. Some are still waiting. People who have the same values and beliefs. It really amazes me that people outside of a religious system wouldn’t be having sex. Hell, according to recent studies something like 85 to 90 percent of young adults raised in church are already having sex. So what is the point I keep thinking to myself. I’ve sinned in other ways. I’ve listed,I’ve lied, etc. why not complete the full cycle. It does state if you break one your guilty of the all anyway. Not to mention lusting makes you as guilty as someone who actually physically committed the act.

The more I live the more I believe we have all been told a lie. Marriage is not some fairy tale or some sexual extravaganza. Marriage is hard work and takes some damn commitment. There is no perfect person out there. You have to compromise like with everything else. There is no perfect degree, no perfect house, no perfect job, no perfect life so why the hell should relationship,sex, or marriage be any different. Why have I been so stupid.

When will we as people just be real. Stop being fake. Just speak what the hell is bothering us or what is on our chests. I’m tired of being fake. It is on my mind all the time. I might as well commit the act and be done with it. Have no regrets. I’m not sure if I want to even be married. The more I talk to people the more I learn it can be miserable and a living hell. They shouldn’t call it child support, they should call it financial ruin. The more I learn about our American culture the more I realize how screwed up it is. This whole holier than thou, better than you attitude I think is a part of it.

Young people listen. Life is something you never get back. You only get one shot to be alive. One shot at youth as well. Don’t let it pass you by, don’t take it for granted. Don’t sleep it or study it away. Sure work hard, achieve dreams, set goals but don’t forget to live in the moment. Don’t forget to just be naive and go for it. Live it up. Live it up before you have to wear slacks to work and be embalmed in coffee just to get your day started. Stay healthy, exercise, enjoy life, live life for you and no one else. Please, I beg you.

Go for it. You know why, because when you try, even though you fail there is no what if. There is no I wonder what would have happened or where this would have gone. You would have done that and experienced it. Live life don’t keep yourself in a box.

Maybe I’m just being ignorant in all of this and there is no way I would have achieved what I achieved without living as I lived. I don’t know. I think we all have this ideal in our heads about how our life is supposed to play out or how our lives should be. Maybe I’m being a bit selfish and arrogant. All I can tell anyone is that waiting to have sex until marriage is hard. It is really difficult anyone nd out of everything I’ve accomplished it is probably the hardest thing I’ve done. No lie there. Anyone seeking to do it I wish them the best. I guess there anyone nor some pretty negative consequences on either side. Good luck to all of you.

Yea I’ll say I’ve been guilty of all of these “deadly sins”. My problems are different now than they were in the beginning. Now, it actually isn’t THAT hard to find a young lady who is interested in me, BUT there are two big problems. 1.) They have no desire for marriage for several more years. And 2.) I don’t have a full time job, so I can’t afford to be married. Number 2 is my biggest issue, because I can use something like http://www.christianmingle.com to find a woman with the right kind of matching values. But this is what makes me SOOOO mad! That I haven’t found a good job yet. I’m 24, I graduated college about 4 months ago, finished my internship about 1 month ago. So yea, I know, I’ve only been looking for a full time job for about a month now. But even still, the problem is that no one has wanted an interview so far, and most openings I find in my field are things I’m not qualified enough for. THAT is where my doubt is… I mean sure, it’s frustrating that even most of the Christian girls I’ve met haven’t been a good match, but the real kicker is that because I have no clue how long it will take me to get a full time job (that pays more than min wage), I feel like I’m TRAPPED! Literally TRAPPED, prevented from finding the one, until I can finally get that job, that sufficient income. I WISH there was someone who is compatible with me that could actually love me while I’m still searching for a job, but that is like 99.9% improbable. I’m just going to HAVE to wait until my finances get in order. That really scares me, because of the way the economy is in this day and age. How do I stay confident and positive when lack of MONEY is the only thing holding me back from finding my future wife?!

@martin I’m sorry this happened to you. You don’t sound like you deserved any of it. I was reading your comments and I felt a lot of pain and bitterness, which is why I decided to comment. I don’t think any woman should withhold sex from the husband like this. Not all women are like that. She does not represent all women. I also would hate to think that this is what most other women are like in marriage. Anyways.. I hope things get better. I don’t think you should stay in something that makes you so miserable and bitter. ..that’s just my opinion.

#4 is the reason I lost my virginity to a jackass at 24. I remember waking up, one day, the month of my birthday, and being afraid to end up at 40, still a virgin. The guy didn’t believe me at first when I told him I was still a virgin, since I kissed him first at the end of our 1st date and that I’m not bad-looking.
Fast forward, more than 10 years later, I’m still single, more because I am waiting for someone who shares the same values as I do (especially WTM) and also I am way less high-maintenance that I used to be in my 20s (at some point, you hope for guys who can look past your appearance). So, I’d say that even though I avoided what was back then my worst nightmare, I’ll always regret letting my fears overcome me so that I dated someone at 24, partly because I didn’t wanna be a virgin anymore. My first time felt like a rape because the guy was more excited on me being the 4th girl he ever deflowered in his life, than on my feelings and on my needs. Well, I can’t complain, I got what I wanted out of the relationship. Didn’t expect the shame and guilt as added bonuses.

MY girlfriend is waiting until marriage because of a rule that her mother put into place. She personally doesn’t believe in it, and her mother says that the only reason why is because she shouldn’t have a kid. I am not a waiter, but as a catholic (who should be waiting anyway), am willing to respect that, but my concern is that she seems to be experiencing “Are you my Soulmate?” with me. I am terribly flawed, a rule-breaker, and in my on mind: a bad influence. The first thing that I said to her before our first kiss is “Do you want to break a rule?”. I don’t think that I’m healthy for her to be around, and she won’t accept that it’s best for her that I stay out of the relationship, because I can’t count on myself to stay out of her pants.

It’s our first relationship for each of us, and our hopes are way in the sky. I don’t want to hurt her feelings or make her do something she doesn’t want to do, but I don’t think I’m capable of that. What should I do?

DO NOT WAIT UNTIL MARRIAGE. Let me start by saying I waited. I feel it’s silly and almost a sin to be the virgin bride who regrets her decision. First of all it would mean admitting that this whole time you had it wrong. I did it for religious reasons and because i thought it made me a decent respectful woman. At the beginning it’s amazing like most sexually active couples when they first start BUT as time went by i started realizing the only reason he actually waited was because he’s not very sexually active to begin with. SERIOUSLY what man waits 3 years and has NO SEX? A guy who respects you? WRONG I thought this too. A guy who is really into sex or even enjoys is will WANT sex IT’S NATURAL. I can’t believe i turned down and even ran off nice decent men who after a few months or a year wanted sex. THEY WANT YOU and that’s not always a bad thing. Instead I waited for someone who ‘respected me’ what ended up happening is that we are not sexually compatible. Those who say sex doesn’t and shouldn’t matter in a marriage obviously are wither A. Lying B. not very sexual or C. are just trying to say the right thing. At first it was every day and long story short about a year into marriage things got cold on his side. So now…I waited for a bunch of miserable years just waiting until I got sex! being told that once i get married I can have all the sex i want because I mean i’m a girl and NOPE. We’ve been to guidance counselors, church counselors, therapists, spent soo much money trying to ‘fix’ this issue! The thing is we love each other and are committed to marriage but I will always look back and wonder what it would have been like to be with someone as sexual as I am. I went into deep depression even attempted suicide because i couldn’t understand why i was so weird! and why he didn;t want me…Turns out I am perfectly normal…I want it like once or twice a week… he wants is maybe once every few months.

I have always believed in waitng until marriage and it was easy given that I didnt date much either in high shool or even college. I was what is considered a “good” girl given that I didnt party much and didnt get drunk.

I had my first kiss and boyfriend at 25 (I thought it would never happen but I had always wanted it to be romantic so I never rushed it). And the experience was amazing. Until… the waiting until marriage. He knew about it and didnt have a problem even though he didnt believe in waiting, so we continued seeing each other. We where together for 4 months, then continued the relationship long distance (I returned to my home country) and after 2 months we ended things because of no concrete plans to see each other. However, we kept in touch (writting at least once a week).
I later on got a ticket to Europe (that is where he lives) because of some work interviews and this meant we had a chance of seeing each other again and seeing if we could make it work! However, after the initial happiness (of the both of us) he mentions he doesnt think it would be good for either of us to see each other given my convictions to wait until marriage. The reason he gives is because he thinks that sex is fundamental in a relationship if it is to move forward. And he says it is different with every person and it is important to see if two people are compatible in this way. (I understand his logic but also understand mine for wanting to wait).
Out of the blue! I dont understand why, after 4 months of having broken up and missing each other and him continuing to talk to me, he says this. I do know he really cares about me and I care for him a whole awful lot. I still want to see him but this has made me wonder why he wouldnt even consider or try making the relationship work even if we dont have sex.

If anybody out there has experienced something similar… or could maybe give me some light as to why this would happen, please let me know. I am now re-evaluating my position of waiting/not waiting because of this (I know… its stupid) but I also know he is a really good and nice guy and he isnt saying this to cause me pain, its just how he thinks and now that I have the chance to be with him I dont want to lose him. Is there any way to let him understand he can wait with me?

@Anne he clearly told you that sex is fundamental for him on relationship and a factor to see if it is worth of moving on. At the end even if you love each other but on the sexual side your not compatible or one of you is not satisfied things might not work. He might be afraid of accepting your terms and then regretting it if the sex life is nowhere near of what he expected from her partner or the dynamics of the sexual realtionship as a whole.

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