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The 5 Mother-in-Law Dining Policies

Ahh, dining with your mother-in-law! If it wasn’t already fraught with tension because you are a vegetarian and she has never heard of tofu, well, then, you must be prepared to follow a certain protocol to help smooth mealtime over, and make the experience an overall pleasant one at best! Here we go:

Top Tip #1) Be prepared to be enticed by lots of sugary temptations!

Even though you have recently committed to losing that last ten pounds, and removed all treats from your pantry, and have implemented an exercise program that you are sure to stick with THIS time, once and for all, your MIL will undoubtedly sabotage you with phrases such as, “I made TWO chocolate pies last night,” and, “There’s a couple of Collacchi on the counter!” several times a day. Who can maintain a healthy regimen in a war-zone such as this? So you don’t. Strategy? Throw a couple of five pound weights in the car and some sneakers so you can take a walk around the mall or if she has a dog, offer to take it for a walk––a lot. Any excuse to get you out of that house! Just don’t beat yourself up and you can get back on track as soon as you return home.

Top Tip #2) Steer clear of religion and politics when dining with your MIL!

If she does happen to make a real doozy, do not respond. Just ask her to pass the salad and then find out exactly how she makes her dressing––was it two parts vinegar to one part oil, or the other way around?

Top Tip #3) Never let your MIL know that you’ve enjoyed a drink (casual or otherwise).

If your MIL loves to tell the tale about how she used to go down to the local bar and shoot pool and drink lots of beer, even if you’ve heard the legend many time, act as if it is the first and make sure to thrown in a complimentary statement or two such as how much you love that occasional glass of Pink Zinfandel every so often. However, in this case, she may surprise you by subtlety questioning your sobriety, so therefore it is always best to let mom be the one to brag about the beer!

Top Tip #4) Happily go along with your MIL’s plans.

When it comes to visits with the in-laws, there may be a secret society of which you are just simply not a member (sigh)! Everyone in the house seems to know about the goings on—except for you, that is! When it is announced that you will be leaving in ten minutes for an evening meal out, you timidly inquisite as to where you might be going. “Out! We talked about it, you know!” Ahh yes, the ol’ “We talked about it!” That’s okay! Just smile, quietly throwing a couple of packs of tic tacs in your purse so that you can offer mom and the gang a minty treat on the way home from the evening meal at the Dinosaur BBQ! They have a great salad bar, there, you know!

Top Tip #5) Avoid flatulating around your MIL.

If you do accidentally let one escape from your nether-regions, your MIL may wave her hand furiously in front of her nose, contorting her face as if she had just ingested prune juice and tuna and yell, “OH MY GOD, [insert your name here]! THAT WAS SOOO DISGUSTING!” Apologize profusely and quickly exit the room affecting the most horror and shame you can possibly muster. Next time, hold it in if mom is within the radius of a football field. Actually, never mind––let ’er rip and just blame it on the cat.

1. Mister Albert in 'The Color Purple'

After abusing wife Celie in every imaginable way (including isolating her from her beloved sister and making her fix up his gross living conditions and troll kids), Mister Albert moves his mistress into their house and makes Celie her servant. Perhaps the only bigger monster is Celie's stepfather, who gave her away to Mister Albert.

Photo: IMDB

2. Sheba Hart in 'Notes On A Scandal'

Good wives typically don't have sex with men other than their husbands, who are left home to take care of their kids (one of whom is disabled). Good wives also don't cheat on said husbands with boys. Who are underage. And their students. Seriously, if the genders were reversed in this, the world would have really been flipping out.

Photo: IMDB

3. Carlo Rizzi in 'The Godfather'

Carlo only married his wife, Connie, in hopes of taking over her family business. He also abuses her. Like, a lot.

Photo: IMDB

4. Ginger in 'Casino'

Ginger steals from her husband to fund and fuel her gambling and drug addictions. She also cheats on him with his business partner and at one point ties their daughter to her bed so she can go clubbing. Classy!

Photo: IMDB

5. Humbert Humbert in 'Lolita'

Generally, a good husband doesn't marry you just to leave you dead, then kidnap and continually rape your underage daughter. Just, you know, a rule of thumb.

6. Cora Smith in 'The Postman Always Rings Twice'

7. Earl Hunterson in 'Waitress'

Where do we begin with this one? Jenna has to initially hide her pregnancy from Earl Hunterson, which is generally never a good sign. She also hides some money from him to escape his controlling, sociopathic ways. He also threatens, once he does learn of her pregnancy, that she better not love their baby more than she loves him, and that he wants to use her money to get a Camcorder to make sex videos with her ... but only if she loses the baby weight. What a catch!

Photo: IMDB

8. Lenore in 'Taken' and 'Taken 2'

Famke Janssen's Lenore is still a b*tch to Liam Neeson's Bryan Mills even after he saves their family members from being abducted not once, but twice. Her particular set of skills apparently doesn't include being gracious.

Photo: IMDB

9. Jack Torrance in 'The Shining'

After lying about why he's in a remote Colorado hotel that may or may not contain ghosts that have sex with furries, Jack Torrance tries to murder his wife and child. Hot.

Photo: IMDB

10. Rose DeWitt Bukater in 'Titanic'

Everyone thinks Titanic is some great love story, but it's ultimately about an engaged woman who cheats on her fiancee with a broke dude, then lets the broke dude freeze to death in the ocean. Wonderful.

Photo: IMDB

11. Ennis Del Mar in 'Brokeback Mountain'

Good husbands generally don't bang other married dudes behind their wives' backs, then blame solely the other dude for their marital problems. That won't stop me from watching this movie in slow motion though.

Photo: IMDB

12. Gregory Anton in 'Gaslight'

Upon learning that his wife Paula is traumatized by her aunt's death, Gregory Anton uproots their family and moves into the same house where said aunt died. Then, he psychologically abuses Paula to the point of her doubting her own sanity ... and coining the term "gaslighting."

13. Lori in 'Total Recall'

14. Frank Bennett in 'Fried Green Tomatoes'

After Ruth escapes from Frank's abuse, he comes back ... and tries stealing their newborn baby. Seems kind of douchey, right?

Photo: YouTube

15. Suzanne in 'To Die For'

Suzanne was so motivated to advance in her career that she hired a gang to murder her husband. To be fair, that was probably much quicker than most divorces.

Photo: IMDB

16. Frank Fitts in 'American Beauty'

Listen, I get it. Repressed homosexuality is hard. I know. But it's no excuse to bully and abuse your wife and kid.

Photo: IMDB

17. Jenny in 'Forrest Gump'

After rejecting Forrest Gump for years and only pretending to give a sh*t when he gets shipped over to Vietnam, Jenny marries him. But only also after seeing him on TV and conveniently saying he's the father of her kid, which is at best anachronistic and at worst opportunistic.

Photo: IMDB

18. Jerry Lundegaard in 'Fargo'

When you're greedy enough to get your wife kidnapped (and, spoiler alert, eventually murdered) in hopes of her dad giving you $100K in ransom, you're probably not that emotionally invested in your marriage.

Photo: IMDB

19. Holly McClane in the 'Die Hard' Series

Holly Gennaro McClane is incredibly ungrateful and disrespectful to estranged (then ex-) husband John McClane throughout the entire Die Hard series, despite him saving her life multiple times, once barefoot. Holly McClane can die hard and go right to Hell.

Photo: IMDB

20. Guy Woodhouse in 'Rosemary's Baby'

Spoilers galore: Guy Woodhouse let Satan rape his wife so she'd give birth to the Anti-Christ and he'd get more acting work, then made her think she was crazy. If you don't think that's grounds for divorce, I don't know how to help you.

Photo: IMDB

After abusing wife Celie in every imaginable way (including isolating her from her beloved sister and making her fix up his gross living conditions and troll kids), Mister Albert moves his mistress into their house and makes Celie her servant. Perhaps the only bigger monster is Celie's stepfather, who gave her away to Mister Albert.