The 5 Craziest Exploits of the World's Shadiest Politician

#2. Trouble With Women

The College Movie Scenario:

The college movie hero is a ladies' man, almost to a fault: Dongwalski gets all the girls he could ever want ... but not the one he truly wants. She's smart, pretty, confident and turned off by Dongwalski's rampant sexism. He better change his ways, quick, or the love of his life might end up marrying the dean's horrible son!

Silvio Berlusconi's Career:

Berlusconi once opened an international business conference by saying that Italy had the most beautiful secretaries in the world. That's ... oh shit, really? Despite being personally responsible for the sudden career changes of more whores than rehab, he still thinks the only job women can hold is that of "secretary," and even then it's probably only until the right man comes along.

Above: The Right Man.

In 2008, he personally blocked a woman's right to die, after it was officially granted in court. The woman in question had been in a coma for 17 years. His reasoning? Because she was still, and we quote, "in the condition to have babies" and if she was lucky "could even give birth to a son." As far as he was concerned, if she could get pregnant, then she was still a 100 percent functional female. Luckily, the doctors involved decided not to take orders from a man who views half of the human race as sperm incubation units who've been inexplicably granted the gift of speech (possibly via magic spell).

But he doesn't get away with it all. There are some noises of protest. Sexy, female noises. What took Mubarak decades of brutal repression, Berlusconi has somehow managed in less than a decade and through sheer misogyny. Thousands of women have taken to the streets of Italy to scream about all his rampant sex addiction. Which was probably his exact fantasy when he first took power.

He probably thinks it's his birthday.

#1. Thwarting the Dean

The College Movie Scenario:

Dongwalski and the dean are constantly at odds: That stuck-up old man wants to bulldoze the skate park to build an accounting department, he's banned halter tops from the quad and even changed Pizza Saturday to Tofu Tuesday! It's up to Dongwalski to fight back the only way he knows how: Partying!

Silvio Berlusconi's Career:

In 2005, Berlusconi told newspapers that he'd had to "dust off the old playboy skills" to persuade Finnish president Tarja Halonen to change a meeting location. When Finland rather reasonably intimated that claiming to have screwed its premier was a fairly good way to declare war, a Berlusconi minister tried to defuse the situation by saying that "anyone who had seen a picture of Halonen must have been aware that he had been joking."

"The fjuck did you just say?"

He was president of the EU Council of Ministers for an entire day before calling the German minister a Nazi concentration camp guard. At a previous meeting, he made a hand gesture implying that the Spanish foreign minister's wife was sleeping with other men, though why Italian men have evolved such specific gestures is probably:

a) something they don't like to talk about, and

b) mostly due to Berlusconi.

Any gesture that can be even loosely interpreted as an erection, we call a Berlusconi. It's just simpler that way.

But his masterpiece was pissing off the queen of England and the president of the United States in the most painfully embarrassing double-header in history. At a G-20 photoshoot in 2009, Berlusconi started shouting to Barack Obama from the back row so loudly and insistently that the actual queen of England stopped to ask who that rude man was and why he couldn't shut his stupid face (we may have paraphrased that a bit).

Reports say Berlusconi was shouting "Mr. Obama!" but based on his public speaking record, there's no way it wasn't really "Where the white women at?"

"Just kidding! Berlusconi's penis is colorblind. And riddled with syphilis."

Be sure to pick up our book because Berlusconi would want it that way.