Postmadern Men

DON DRAPER: As you all know, we’ve been commissioned by D1SKOUNT Rx Meds!!! to come up with their new spam mail. This is major; if you’re low on Adderall, now’s the time to refill.

ADMAN: Can we get a price break from the client?

OTHER ADMAN: LOL.

DON: Let’s see what everyone has. . . . Too many deliberate misspellings of brand names to avoid the in-box filters—no one will know what you’re selling. . . . Not enough purple italics. . . . This is less convincing than your last campaign, for the widow of the Nigerian military commander. (Pops a stick of nicotine gum.) It’s spam mail, people, not social-networking-based viral video. Just think about it deeply, meditate on what the customer wants, then crowd-source ideas on Facebook. An answer will jump out in your news feed, probably from your aunt in Boise you never otherwise speak to.

A fusion restaurant after work.

DON: Who’s up for another round of kombucha?

(All the employees are on their iPhones.)

ADMAN: Sorry, we’re just checking into Foursquare. I’m trying to become mayor of this place—best crunchy tempeh salad with daikon in town. Who is that?

DON: Clara, the new girl from Human Resources.

ADMAN: Wouldn’t mind retweeting her with my @ symbol, if you catch my drift. Not that I’m rewarding her or discriminating against her on the basis of her physical appearance. I’m just stating a subjective personal opinion that does not represent the views of SterlingCooperMizuho or its subsidiaries.

(Don approaches Clara at the bar.)

CLARA: I’ve been meaning to see you.

DON: (nods at her wineglass) Is that you or the resveratrol talking?

CLARA: You haven’t handed in your new I-9 form yet.

DON: I’d be happy to fill it—or anything else—out for you.

CLARA: Great. I’ll also need two forms of I.D. and a utility bill with your home address. You can scan and e-mail them to me or to Lisa, on seven.

DON: Why don’t we go back to the office and take care of it now?

CLARA: Sure! I could use the overtime, since our health benefits got cut.

ADMAN: Hey, everyone, listen up. Something huge has happened. (A hush falls over the restaurant.) Justin Bieber’s “Baby” has surpassed Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” as the most-watched video in YouTube history. Let’s take a minute to soak up the cultural import of this event.

Don’s office.

DON: Here you go. And there’s something you can sign for me.

CLARA: Yes?

DON: It’s a disclaimer that indemnifies me against any charges of workplace impropriety, harassment, or acts of God should we ever enter into a “consensual romantic arrangement.”