A female perspective on the Autistic Spectrum, Mental Illness and everything else….

I’m getting somewhere :)

I have always been quite reluctant to be open about my learning disabilities side. However, I feel comfortable with being more forthcoming about that side of me now. I don’t think I have the right diagnosis. I was diagnosed at a time where I didn’t speak in even full sentences, let alone be able to give detail to anyone diagnosing me. I have spoken to others both diagnosed with either Asperger Syndrome or High Functioning Autism. I cannot relate to Asperger Syndrome, however, I can fully relate to the things that those with High Functioning Autism experience. The sensitivity of my hearing and smell. It’s higher than those with Asperger Syndrome. I have hearing that can hear the smallest of sounds eg. electric in plugs at night (which can be quite annoying). I haven’t got such a sensitive sense of smell but it’s still more able to pick up smells than the average person without an ASD. Others have always thought that I was highly intelligent on the Asperger level, but I do not think that I was whatsoever.

I had parents that wanted me to grow up to be a ‘normal’ adult. They used to tell the authorities that I was smart but I think they over estimated me due to their own expectations. I am intelligent to a certain level but not exceptional like most others diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. I don’t know how you get assessed to change your diagnosis but I do feel that it would help others to understand me more and actually get me supported properly if I got assessed again to be put in a category that I feel I belong in more. I’m not a fan of labels, however, if it stops misunderstandings in the future and a load of painful experiences then it would be worth it. I have never felt like I belonged under mental health services. I feel like I’d have benefitted by being put under learning disabilities. I feel that I would have got supported better then because others wouldn’t just have made an assumption that I misbehaved on purpose due to being unable to do what they expected me to do.

In any case where someone is put into the wrong category it is most likely going to fail. I personally don’t see age as a thing, but if you put an older person with a teenager their maturity level is going to be different. That just will not work because they just won’t understand where each other are coming from. I know that this is a known issue because before I gained some majority I had absolutely no idea where those that were older than me were coming from when we discussed things. The example above just shows that, in any case, if a person is not on the same level as they’ve been labelled then progress is absolutely impossible. It was the only example I could think of which illustrated what I wanted to point out. There are other examples but I have a tired brain right now. I’m not mentally ill. I was born with a different brain which got damaged by Epilepsy (science says that each seizure changes brain structures) and being treated with medication that was too strong for a child. Okay, maybe I have got mental illness over the years eg. depression and PTSD symptoms but I’ve only had them since my experiences of being put in the mental illness category. The system can make those that grow up in it mentally ill because it’s not fit for purpose and there’s so much coldness to it.

I’ve been judged by a lot of people who do not know me whatsoever. They haven’t bothered to even have any extended form of communication with me before coming to the conclusion that I am an awful, crazy or malicious person. I’m also at fault there because I’ve never really let anyone get to know me because I never really understood the concept of networking or being social when I was younger. I’m only starting to be more open to it now but only because I know that getting out there and letting people know me stops assumptions and is important for networking in the media industry. It also annoys me when others tell me I’m being selfish because I’m only ‘thinking about me’. Others don’t take into account how I feel or how I’m affected either so as far as I’m concerned they’re also selfish. For example: right now I’ve said basically fine have it your way in regards to the order still being in force etc. However, I don’t see the other person giving a damn how I feel and how distracted I really am when I do start thinking over things. It affects my college work and my grades… yet I’m the one that is selfish… okay then. I’m the one thinking I don’t want them to lose their job or get any more hurt by the situation. I care so much about the other person that I’m willing to drop an issue (the outstanding order and the fact that I wanted to appeal the exclusion from the university at the time but I was denied that option by my so called support service) which is affecting my confidence and making me depressed. I had to go on medication which makes me gain weight. Yet, this apparently makes me selfish. I’m sacrificing a lot to make the other person happy and comfortable because I care so much that I hurt them previously. I will hate myself forever due to those things. I nearly committed suicide because I felt so bad about what I had done and couldn’t live with myself.

Anyway, today I have been given a yellow overlay, exercise book (yellow paper etc.) and a yellow coloured ruler reader. I’ve not read a book for years because I lose my place several times which eventually makes me quite irritated so I just lose interest. Then I’ve always seen flashing white light every time I’ve seen something dark blue. Both of these things have always affected my concentration. I will soon find out if these help me process information because I haven’t been taking in my law gcse revision very well. I’ve never tried these adaptations. I’ve read on the internet about tinted glasses for those with Autism. They help those with Autism read other people. I think they’re still in the manufacturing testing stage. However, they should be perfected by the time I am at the age where I was told I’d most probably be wearing glasses permanently because of my lazy eye. It would be worth a try and if anyone wants someone as a study participant in the meantime then I’d be willing to be involved to see if they worked for me.