Monday, October 03, 2005

NASH #1 Image Comics, 1999

I pause before dissing on Nash #1, an Image Comic from the creative Dark Ages of the 90’s that stars Kevin “Big Sexy” Nash, the professional wrestler. I pause because of all the comic creators that I may slight with my mockery of their work, Kevin Nash is the only one who I feel sure could physically kill me.

Actually, Marc Silvestri’s a pretty big guy, he could probably take me out. Ed Brubaker looks kind of tough, too. And you know, I don’t know what Chuck Dixon looks like, but I’ll bet he carries a gun, so he could definitely kill me. Dale Keown did time in the slammer, I’ll be the picked up some “jailhouse rock” moves. Micah Wright, of course, was a commando… You know, I’m kind of a pussy now that I think about it. Peter David could probably kick the shit out of me.

Anyway, at the risk of having Big Sexy show up at my door one night to play a game of Slap The Rag Doll with me, I shall commence my critique:

Nash #1 sucks.

Bad.

You know you’re in trouble when you see a photo cover on a comic book. It’s a fad that has thankfully died off, but there has NEVER been a good comic book that had a photo cover. No, that last issue of Spider-Woman doesn’t count; it was a cool cover but the comic itself was crappy. It’s just not physically possible to marry quality sequential art storytelling with a photo cover. Furthermore, it is not possible to have a quality comic if your comic revolves around a real life professional wrestler, Playboy model, or the Insane Clown Posse.

Nash! The Comic was created by Kevin Nash and artist Maryat “Demonslayer” Michaels. That’s another problem; you can’t write a comic book about yourself, dude, even if you do put yourself in a post-apocalyptic setting. That’s just vain. But then, I’m guessing anyone who refers to themselves as “Big Sexy” doesn’t have confidence issues.

Before the comic starts, we get a two page set-up that explains the whole crazy mixed-up world that Nash lives in and modestly introduces us to the man himself:

We start the story out in The Wastelands, where a mean, bald truck driver gratuitously kills an old woman begging for food and is about to pop a cap in the woman’s poorly-drawn grandson until Nash arrives.

Nash blows the mean, bald truck driver’s head off with a grenade, then asks the traumatized kid: “You okay, little man?”

“Yeah, Nash, I’ll be fine as soon as I wipe the brain off me and bury grandma. Thanks for asking.”

The comic continues. The art is bizarre - everyone looks partly melted and over-rendered. It looks like Michael Bair's art - if he was drawing with his left hand or his eyes closed. Anyway, Nash jumps around, blows some shit up, breaks an arm or two, sticks a sharp piece of metal up a guy’s nose, and has on-panel sex.

Don’t believe me? Behold:

That’s something I did not need to see.

Who is the target audience for this book? You gotta know that even in 1999 there were only so many Nash fans in the world. And of that group, not all of them read comics – or even read, really. I figure there are like, 2,500 people world wide who eagerly awaited the publication of Nash #1. And that’s being generous. Out of those 2,500, I’d say about 500 are probably related, or at least live in the same trailer, so they’re sharing an issue. Probably 500 potential readers are female fans who can’t get enough of Big Sexy and are drawn by the photo cover – but the interior art only superficially looks like Nash, so only half of those women actually buy the book. I’m guessing 100 potential buyers opened the first page, saw all the intimidating text, and put it down. 100 more underage buyers were “cock blocked” by their parents, who flipped through the comic, saw the sex scene, and made their kid buy Youngblood instead. That leaves only about 1,800 people who actually bought this comic – and of those purchases, 500 were gag gifts and 100 were from confused stoners who thought the book was called Hash. All in all, the numbers don’t look good for Nash.

I could go on, but I think I need to go read some Jane Austen or something to purge all this extra-testosterone from my system.

I grant Nash #1 a special Asgardian “The Pain” Award, because the regular Pain Award just didn’t have enough bitchin’ facial hair.

I thought Marvel Team-Up #128 was pretty good. That had a photo cover. And what about that issue of Amazing Spider-Man where that guy took a picture of Peter Parker unmasked? I can't remember the issue number but I didn't think that one was so bad. Or maybe my memory is just crap.

Dave, you could totally kick the Andromeda out of Micah Wright- last year, he admitted that he lied about ever being in the Special Forces. You could take him and I think you should, for the Airwolf of humanity.

Is this the end of Nash? When you get put down hard, what do you do? Is Minister Parch correct in thinking that Nash is in collusion with the Citadel? Can Nash really be the problem or is he the last hope for mankind in a desolate world? The frantic pace set fourth in "Nash #1" continues in issue #2 with babes, guns and page to page action. Written by superstar wrestler Kevin Nash, this book is a must for wrestling fans and sci-fi action comic book readers a like. Do not miss the continuing adventures of Nash with dazzling artwork by Marat Mychaels and eye warping color from Mark Nicholas.

There is no #3, so there must be no hope for mankind in a desolate world after all.

The colors are "eye warping"? Is that a good thing? Or could it be a back-handed insult from the guy writing the ad copy? Should our friend and messiah Nash be bringing the smack-down?

Dave, please, for the love of Airwolf, tell me that you learned of the existence of the "jailhouse rock" from the same issue of Punisher War Journal as I did, rather than through your years of hard time in the grey-bar hotel.

Dave makes the jokes, but a substantial amount of Alex Toth's peak work appeared under crappy photo covers, and SANDMAN MYSTERY THEATER was all photocovers. I mention this so I can link to this cover, despite the crappy scan, since I always thought the girl was cute. ADMIT YOU'RE WRONG, DAVE! ADMIT IT NOW!

a) Nash really is Having The Sex there. In the next panel, the girl he's fornicating with says "Is the earth moving?" and then a wall blows up and the bad guys attack. Nash manages to get fully dressed between panels and counter attacks. So yes, Nash is Doin' It.

Wrestlecrap, which is the pro wrestling equivalent of ye olde longe boxe, did an entry about this issue awhile back which actually showed some of the sex scenes. They don't have archives up, though, so you'll just have to imagine the Nash lovin'. Check it out anyway: www.wrestlecrap.com.

It's Airwolf to have you back, Dave. When I saw the title of this post, I thought, "Cool! There's a comic with Don Johnson & Cheech Marin!" Then I realized it was about that wrestler & I was sad.

The best thing about the book is the horrible grammar. In the bottom panel of the page that has the person's head exploding, the uncle says, "Nash? The, Nash?" Really, was that extra comma necessary? I mean, that's what bold or italics are for.