Friday, May 22, 2009

Remembering Sam

Thank you so much, everyone, for your kind words in comments and e-mails. I didn’t think it would help, but it does. Tears welled up, and didn’t stop flowing, while reading them. I’ve never lost anyone so dear to my heart before, for which I’m grateful.

We had dogs before, and I cried over their loss. I loved them, as I do love Biko, but Sam was different. I had a special bond with him. From the first time I saw him.

He was one of two boys in a litter of four pups. We did not have first pick, but during our visits at the breeders, I knew I wanted him. I was relieved when the breeder told me, I’ve got my wish. I don’t know how, and why, but we formed a special bond right from the beginning.

I have to go back even further. My son worked on a horse farm on weekends and on school breaks. We both took riding lessons their. They had three dogs, and David loved them so much, that we decided to get our own dog. It took us six month to find a breed we wanted. The farm dogs had names starting with the letter “B” (Bella, Bailey and Bandit), so David picked “Biko”. She was very much his dog from the beginning (I was and am just her servant). I wanted a dog of my own and we fell in love with these beautiful White Shepherds. I had dreams of a dog on my side called “Sam”, it was not a White Shepherd, I think it was a mix of Golden Retriever and Labrador in my dreams. Anyway, six month later we welcomed Samson into our lives.

One day we brought Sam along to the horse farm for a picnic, I let him run around free; he was not quite three month old. He never ventured far from me, but once he was under a table somewhere (I could still see him) and I was going to the car. I called out, “Sam, come!”, and people laughed and said to me, that with this age, they don’t listen to that. Well he proved them wrong, because sure enough he turned and came bustling over as quickly as he could. I was very proud of him.

He was always sensitive to loud noises, and exited talking. He was like a barometer for your mood and level of excitement. You sure couldn’t get too excited around him. He was afraid of thunderstorms, and fire works, and bubble gum exploding in your face (I did that once with him by my side, after his reaction I never chewed bubble gum again.)One of our Vets once said, “He’s got all the personality, none of the legs.” He really was a gentle character.

I have sweet and funny memories of him, and hundreds of pictures. Over the last two days I looked through all of them. Remembering they cheered me up and made me laugh, then cry.

One thing of many, I loved about him was, when he saw me getting ready to go out, he always wanted to know if he could come too, or what was going on. Since as great as he was, he could not speak, he tried to get eye contact, even if it meant to dance around me for me to notice. Once I got it, I looked at him, he had his eyes on mine, his head slightly tilted, and I told him either yes, he could come too, or no he had to stay home. The first brought forth a yapping dervish, the later a good doggy, who walked to his bed in the kitchen, where he stayed napping until my return.

The first time we went to the Vet with him he said, this little guy will be in trouble because of his outward pointing paws. It looked cute, but it would be painful for him in the future. Sam had to endure seven surgeries during his life. It started with neutering, which was not as simple as it should have been, since only one testicle was descended and they had to look for the other one. Next were his two elbows, followed by both his knees, one even twice, since about two weeks after the surgery something happened to the knee again. And as if that wasn’t enough, he almost lost a toe during playing outside. All this pressed into the seven years of his life. Poor Sam didn't quite make it to his 7th birthday on May 30th.

He had severe arthritis in his elbows and knees. We managed with medication for a while. Last Friday we went to see the Vet, and he thought it was time for Sam, but I was not ready. Sam was still running around, playing outside with his ball, playing tuck-of-war with me, chasing chipmunks (as if he ever had a chance), but he was moving on his own!Only a few days after the visit to the Vet, Sam was enjoying the warmer weather and sunshine out in the backyard, playing his own little game with me, were he comes up to me, barks and looks back at his Jollyball at the other side of the pool. He would bark at me as long as it takes to get me going, in a mock race to get to the ball first. Of course I let him win all the time. He used to do that several times, but on that day, once was enough for him.

That evening when it was time to go outside to pee, he had much trouble getting up on his feet, and he was wobbly and very stiff. We helped him with the steps, and thought he just overdid it during the day.To give him rest, my son carried him up and down the stairs as often as Sam needed to go outside to pee. The next morning, it was apparent that he had not improved at all, if anything it was worse. He could barely stand while peeing. That’s when I knew it was time to let him go. I was going to call the Vet the next morning. That day and during the night we sat with him, giving him as much water as he wanted, carrying him outside to pee (he weight 100lbs). I was still hoping that he would be his normal self again in the morning, so I could hold off on the call. We did not sleep much; he never changed places, which both dogs normally do during the night.

In the morning when David was picking him up, Sam yelped for the first time in pain. He only peed once that morning. I called the Vet’s office early, to get him to call back as soon as he could. I was not able to talk to him on the phone once he did, I cried too much. My son made the arrangements.We sat with him until it was time to go. With a blanket we managed to carry him to the car. He was actually very happy to go for a car ride. He was alert, loving the treats we gave him, but also calm, not as hyper excited as usual.

At the Vets they had prepared a room for us. Seeing their sympathy in the staff’s faces, made me cry real hard, they even hugged me. I had no recollection of that, later my son told me they did (that’s weird, huh?).I wanted to be with Sam to his last breath. The Vet explained to us what he would do, and what would happen. While he was preparing for what he needed, kneeling beside Sam, my Son on the other side to assist him, I was in front of Sam. He caught my eyes, held eye contact for so long, and he was calm (usually he was yapping bloody murder while being there). I think he knew what was coming, and he was alright with it.

Sam was more than just a pet to me; he was my friend, my companion, a family member. I miss him terrible. I keep having moments where I think, we’ve got to pick up Sam from the Vet’s. Or walking through the house, I think there’s something missing, something out of balance, until it hits me – Sam’s missing. Than I had a moment, where I realized I will never touch him again, never scratch his bum, cut his nails, feed him, and hear his yapping, smell his doggy breath. I will never be able to look into his eyes anymore, and the tears won’t stop flowing.

Sam, my sweet boy, you were my “once in a lifetime” dog, I will never forget you!

And Biko? She always was an independent dog, but I noticed her following me around more. But there is a good thing, if you can believe it. We can do more now with only Biko left, since we don't have to worry about Sam being stuck at home alone. She's enjoying more car rides, more walks, longer walks.

Thank you all for your sympathy! I promise there will be knitting content on this blog again soon! I started knitting socks while sitting with Sam during his last two days. I will finishe them, even though right now, I don't want to look at them.

I wish you all a wonderful weekend.

PS There will be one more trip to the Vet’s to pick up Sam for the last time, when we will bring home his ashes.

I'm smiling through the tears, looking at all the photos of Sam, reading your stories.. his story.Life has its mysteries, eh?Souls finding each other, no matter the form they've taken. I do understand. I had my 'Sam', only his name was Blue. Here's to Samson, long may he live in spirit and loving memories, and always in your heart and soul (which he will).XOXOX

What a beautiful tribute! Two souls, one canine, one human, connecting in their love for each other. Your description of looking into each other's eyes reminded me of my Sheltie, Mandy. She used to do exactly that. She's been gone for seven years now, and there is still a bit of a hole in my heart. It gets easier, but the connection will always be there. Rest easy, Sam.

I'm crying as hard as I did when I lost Wolfie. What a loving, wonderful tribute to your special boy. Beautiful, Monika, just beautiful. Know that my heart just aches for you still. It will for a long time. I know the feeling of having a once in a lifetime pet. You will be reunited, I know. God bless you, and God bless Sam. And thank God he lived his 7 years with you.

What a wonderful tribute to Sam! Lovely photos, he was so handsome. It was easy to see the love! I hope Biko copes well -- we had two cats when I lived at home. When the Siamese cat died the other cat howled and cried for weeks looking for him. They know the loss, too. {{{hugs}}}

I am so proud of you, your handling of such a difficult time. I am sure Sam is pleased with how you helped him along, and happy to have you right to the end. He is at peace. Long live the memories of beautiful Sam!

I'm so sorry for your loss and reading your story was so sad. We had been with this too and there is no way it isn't hard. Keep the good memories and know that he is out of pain. He was beautiful and I know he enriched your life.

Oh, wow. That was an amazing tribute to your Sam. I'm sitting here blubbering like he was my dog.

I know Sam's story hit me so hard because his story is similar to my Max's story. Max was also my once in a lifetime dog and I also had to make that decision for him when he was still young.

I realize there's nothing anyone can do or say right now to comfort you, but just remember that it hurts so much because you loved Sam so much. He was one heck of a dog and I'm glad you got to know him for as long as you did.

My heart goes out to you Dear Monika. Thank you for sharing this with us and for all the wonderful pictures. Sam was a lucky dog being with you. After reading this story I fully understand how special he was to you.

My deepest and most sincere condolences. I never know the right words to express how sorry I am when I hear news like this....

Sam had such a wonderful, love-filled life with your family. I know saying goodbye is never easy and it's one of the most difficult decisions that I've ever had to go through in life....I hope it helps ease the hurt in your heart just a little to know that you are in my thoughts.

You are in my prayers, and I so is Sam who now resides in doggie heaven. It's easy to believe that there, he runs like the wind, he's made a new friend, he stands proud and tall, like the king of them all.

Monika, what wonderful pictures of Sam. I love the one of him with the snow shovel! As an only child, the German Shepherd we had when I was young was my sister. She was so in-tune with me and went everywhere I did. They are a special breed. She had hip dysplasia and a stomach tumor when we decided to have her put to sleep. It was time. She was having such a tough time getting up and walking. Treasure your wonderful photos of Sam. Such a handsome pup! Take care!

Monika,I'm sitting here with tears just pouring! I know what you mean when you talk about the 'specialness' of Sam. Sunny is my heart dog. I can't imagine living without her. This is a lovely tribute to Sam in words and photos that you've posted.Finish the socks and wear them for Sam. And when you bring him home, get yourself a pretty piece of pottery to keep him in so you can have him with you forever.Love ya

My heart goes out to you in your loss. I too had a one in a lifetime dog. He officially was my son's dog, but Casey was really mine. Your story of Sam's last ride in the car sounded so very familiar. Casey had sever spinal arthritis and was no longer his bouncy self but on his list ride in the car (and oh how he loved to go for a ride, in fact when he escaped from the yard that was how we recaptured him - offer a car ride) he perked right up and sat up to put his nose out a slit in the window. I still think about him and he crossed the Rainbow Bridge almost 15 year ago. They never leave your heat.

I'm so sorry for you loss... I'm crying my eyes out because we went through the same thing yrs ago with our dog Harley... he was a dog that came with the house when we bought it... and was just the best thing ever... I used to babysit and I even seen him herd some kids out of the way of a swing coming back down so they wouldn't get hit by it....He also had arthritis and knew he wouldn't make it through the winter... he had trouble getting up and wimpered when he sat or stood... so painful to see... I knew we had to put him down and took him to the vet to see what they could do for him... I knew the answer... I hated the answer... I took him home and cried all night and called the vet the next morning. I had to get my dad to come and take him in. I couldn't be there. Dad said it bothered him so much too because Harley knew what was happening. But we know now he's over the Rainbow Bridge, running and playing chasing the birds. Maybe Sam is running with him now?

Monika,During this months visiting your blog, I admit that I just fell in love for Sam.And I have to say thank you, for sharing him with us.You have a beautiful story with him and, reading it, it's almost impossible not to cry.For sure that was a very hard decision, but I admire you for that, for set him free from the pain.And I'll never get tired of looking this photos.

Sam grew into his ears, didn't he? Such a cute puppy. I'm so glad that you and Sam got to be together for his whole life, I'm sorry for you that it wasn't longer. Isn't that the hardest part? When you just want to be selfish but you can't because you love him too much.

I just found out about Sam. I'm so sorry for you, but relieved for Sam that he doesn't have any more pain. I love your blog, because of the knitting content, but mostly because of your dogs. You are a very kind and loving person, Sam had a very good life. You were his best friend, as he was yours.

I am so sorry for your loss... Sam was very lucky to have such a loving and wonderful owner like you. Here I am, finally catching up on blogs, and I find myself crying reading this :( I hope that Happy knows what a wonderful family he has come into.

Google Website Translator Gadget

About Me

I live in Canada now, but I'm originally from Austria.
My White Shepherd Happy, and Denny the mutt, are my constant companions. Maggie is my sons dog, but she's with me most of the day. I have two grown kids too ;o) by the way.