Tag: Life

I’m a big fan of Dungeon and Dragons. Huge fan really. Something about it has always made me feel a little, free. Over the years my love for the game and the work that makes a mighty campaign epic, epic has grown. It was’t always so though. I was a closeted nerd for some time. When I entered the world of fantasy where anything could happen I relished in it. It’s safe to say that I don’t plan on going anywhere either.

I remember when I first started getting into the idea of fantasy based worlds. I was around the age of nine. I was a huge fan of history as a child and still am today. That love of history lead me to things like King Arthur and his knights, Robin Hood, and other medieval based lore. As a young boy seriously what’s better for the imagination then shields, swords, magic, and fire breathing dragons. It inspired me to think outside of the box. My imagination was broad and often at times kept me company when times were so-so. I remember making up stories in my head that would take place in expansive realms with detailed characters. I would keep these stories going in my head for days until they reached a natural stopping point or I just forgot where I left off. It wouldn’t stop me from starting a new story though.

By the time a the first “Lord of The Rings” movie came out I was already immersed into the fantasy world of Tolkien. Having to read “The Hobbit” in the fourth grade the idea of being able to see elves, dwarves, and hobbits come to life was a must see.

Fast forward to ten or so years and I no longer needed to make up these fantasy worlds in my head. Thanks to Bethesda and the magic of Todd Howard I was able to visit worlds that only drove me deeper into fantasy. Morrowind, Oblivion, and Skyrim opened me up to a universe that I could never come up with but one that I’m more the grateful for having spent hours and hours in. Seriously, collectively I have at least over a thousand hours in Skyrim alone. I can’t remember how many hours I put in Oblivion but it was a lot. Those games like many people who call themselves “gamers” have a special place in my heart. It’s not just the game but it was the time when I picked it up, the hours I spent playing it and the people I played it with.

That’s just a little insight to how I became such a fan of Dungeons and Dragons. I didn’t actually get a chance to play the game until I was about 20. The firs taste of D&D I ever had was the board game Called the Wrath of Ashardalon. It was a board game version of D&D that’s played with minis, in traditional D&D fashion, cards, a die, and map tiles. It’s a modified version of the true pen and paper game but still contained all the fun. That lead our little group of five guys to decide to try out the actual game. I got some PDF’s on the rules and characters and away we went. I can’t explain how much fun I had being able to build my own world piece by piece. I felt like my adolescent self again creating worlds where anything and everything was possible. Of course however like many other Dungeon and Dragons groups before ours we disbanded because of drama/players weren’t showing up anymore. It happens.

Now two years apart that we haven’t played we have decided to rekindle our group and give it a try again. The so called Cave Bear Killers dungeon and dragons group is back together and not at all stronger than ever. I think we are more willing now however. We have made the characters and my campaign is awaiting them. The only thing we need to wait on is the final touches of our group. Like dates and times. We’ll get there.

Why do we do it? Why do we convince ourselves that we can be more than what we probably are? We have dreams that surpass the heavens, revolutionize our world, that inspire the masses, but for what? Who was it that once had such aspirations that when his, (for this case) “dreams” or wings got to close to the heavens and melted in result. He crashed and fell to reality. Icarus was warned never to fly too high or too low. To live a life of complacency. To take a more “half-full” approach. He was advised to be more balanced. It’s good advice when you think about it. Don’t carry yourself in the clouds but don’t just settle for kind-of -good. Our dreams are what make us. They are what drive us in our life. So yeah, those dreams that surpass the heavens, revolutionize our world, that inspire the masses are very much worth having. Our wings may not be of wax and maybe can’t literally melt but what’s worse. Losing them or never even attempting to use them?

Well what does this have to do with gaming and your so-called “career” in the video game industry. Everything.

I struggle with the concept of motivation to be something more than what I feel I’m “meant” to be. I could just settle myself and forever work in a job that means nothing to me. Sure, it may provide stability in my life or maybe it won’t. But maybe that’s all I can do. Maybe that’s all I’m good for. Seems logical. Makes complete sense because how many people give up on the things they want to do because of the things they have to do. There are things that society tells us that we need to do and no I’m not going to go off on a rant about how society dictates what is desired and whats not desired. I mean it does but that’s not my point. My point is this is a battle for everyone that isn’t handed their life. Even here in this blog. I have had this for quite some time now and I would of hoped to have had hundreds of followers, my blog would have gotten me some attention and I would’ve segue this into some junior writer spot on some website with thousandths of readers. Well look around. That hasn’t exactly happened nor does it look like it will. Is that going to keep me from writing? Well I would love to say no, but look back on my post or lack thereof because it has. I go away and feel I have nothing to write for anyone or even myself. It’s hard. It’s hard to admit that the biggest thing keeping myself from being this awesome internet writer and blogger in the video game industry-community isn’t the trolls of the web but it’s the trolls in my own head.

Just write. Just keep writing.

I can tell myself this over and over. But it’s like that feeling when you say something so many times to yourself that it starts to sound a little odd and eventually you can’t even convince anyone around that even you believe it. Because, you don’t. That part sucks. I regret not writing everyday because there was a time where I was and I was personally feeling really good, inspired, and accomplished of my writing. Sure I wasn’t getting tons of reads but at least I was doing the work. I need to get back there. I will try to get back. One day at a time I suppose.

Where do I stand now?

Well that update is more defeating then ever I think. Still jobless and not at all close to getting a job that means something to me. But let’s not forget the fact that I need a shit job because I need to pay for things and bills. That’s not a unique problem to me however. Everyone has to deal with that. Welcome to adulthood, the ever struggle between your dreams and reality… part two, the unfiltered version. I don’t know that just sounded cool in my head so I wrote it.

There’s nothing currently I feel needs to be written. No news worth noting. I’m sure there are things out there that I could try to report on or give my two cents on but currently I’m a defeated man. Determined, mind you, but defeated. One day at a time.

I have drafts that I need to work on and I will. I’m making a pact with myself at least to write one thing at least a day. No good came to anyone for not trying. In the words of Master Yoda, “Do. Or do not. There is no try.” (god I’m a dork) So apparently if I’m going by this saying go ahead and exempt those “tries” I noted earlier because If I were to do it. Well it would make this entry moot.