For the longest time, I was rooted deeply in fear. What does that mean? For me, it not only means I was afraid all the time, but it also means that all my decisions were ruled by fear. I was afraid of not having enough money. I was afraid of being alone forever. I was afraid of being disapproved of and rejected. I was afraid of being uncomfortable. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of taking responsibility for my life. I was afraid of losing someone else. I was afraid of never being good enough. These fears ruled my life. And I mean down to the smallest everyday decisions, including choices related to my health and fitness.Lie: I make great decisions when I’m rooted in fear. Truth: Decisions rooted in fear lack peace. Whether it was a decision to go walk, or what to eat for dinner, how long to stay at work, or what event to attend, I was rarely making choices from anything other than fear. What will earn me another hit of approval so I feel like I’m worth something today? What will comfort me from all this emotional pain and stress and loneliness? What will keep me protected and safe inside my mask and wall? What is the short term gratification choice?The consequences of fear-based decision making? Anxiety, depression, self-doubt, confusion, sleeplessness, illness, hopelessness and sadness. If this speaks to you, there is something you can do to change this radically. You can bring all your decisions under the rule and reign of Love instead. Spirit, God, Creator, Love.Lie: I can’t heal my fear. Truth: Love can! What does this look like? Now, when I am making a decision to go walk, or what to eat for dinner, how long to stay at work, or what event to attend, I can bring it under the rule and reign of Love. Is this choice loving to myself? Is this choice loving to others? Does it reflect healthy boundaries? Is it rooted in the belief that I matter, am already good enough and am deeply loved? Does this choice honor my health and my life?The consequences of love-based decision making? Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness. Also known as fruits of the Spirit. I know what it is like to be lost and in the dark. I really do. But I also know that I was the one who had fear in a place of such power in my life. Listen, fear came to me when I was young, and I do not hold my young self accountable for that. In fact, I understand completely why I was so broken and scared, and there is infinite grace for that. But when I became an adult, I chose fear. I allowed my life to be under the rule and reign of fear. I made a decision to stay rooted in fear. And I know that sounds like a bad thing, but it’s not. In fact, it is the best thing because if I chose fear, it means I am empowered to choose differently. And now that I know the Truth, I choose Love. I choose the fruits of the Spirit. I choose to bring all my choices under the rule and reign of Love. All it takes is to invite the Spirit of Love to come. Ask for help when you are choosing. Ask, is this choice rooted in the belief that I matter, am already good enough and am deeply loved? Does this choice honor my health and my life? Then go for your walk, lift weights, drink your water, eat your veggies and watch as you experience peace like you’ve never known which exceeds anything you or I can understand.

There is a lie that can cause us a lot of suffering on this journey if we allow it. The lie goes something like this: I blew it, so I have to start over by going all the way back to the beginning. A client of mine started exercising, for the first time in a very long time, about 2 months ago. She set a goal for herself to do at least ten minutes every day, and she is posting on Facebook to stay accountable. Her posts look something like this: “Day 42!! I can’t believe I am doing this. I feel so good and I love my life!!” All good stuff until day 61, when she didn’t feel well and missed a workout. There went all the celebrations. Day 10, day 30, day 60 no longer counted. “I knew I would fail again!” And then the days without getting back to it started stacking up. We all know the feeling, right? The loss of motivation once the old self-condemnation crops up. Along with it comes fear and the desire to run the other way. Never enough. Never good enough. Never enough. Never good enough. I’ll never succeed. I always fail. I’ll never succeed. I always fail. So goes the chant of fear and lies that has been kicked up by this stumbling block. This obstacle. What is the truth? Does everything she’s done before get scrapped and she goes back to day 1? I say no! I say that she keeps going. So what if day 61 was not a great day. It is still an important day on this journey, because it connects day 60 to day 62!! Day 62 is where it counts. Day 62 is where you learn that tough, tough lesson. I may be down, but I’m not out. I must keep going. Listen, we all have bad days, rough days, days that just go completely off the rails. I have them, too. But grace and forgiveness do not say, “Go back to square one. Nothing you’ve done so far counts. You are a failure.” Grace and forgiveness say to begin again, right where you are, just as you are. Grace and forgiveness say all your good days still count, my love. Every one of them. Grace and forgiveness say I will take your hand and help you to pick up where you left off. Grace and forgiveness don’t judge how long it has been or how far off track you got. Grace and forgiveness just want you back. Back on track. Back to honoring your health and your life. Back to love.

There is a moment where everything you know is right here. Every heartache you have ever experienced. Every betrayal by someone you loved. Every loss that tore your heart to pieces. Every critical word spoken to you. Every time you were rejected, abandoned, unaccepted. Every time you suffered abuse or neglect.That moment is right now. Right now, as you stand at the refrigerator mindlessly looking for something to comfort you. Right now, as you look at your workout shoes and decide whether to put them on or leave them there. Right now, as you take the bag of snacks off the top of the fridge and bring it with you to the living room. Right now, as you dial the number for pizza delivery. Right now, as you just finished eating dinner, but feel so restless and anxious you are looking for more. It’s all there. So is the Truth. Your identity. Who you really are. A beautiful woman, inside and out. A woman with a soul that transcends her story. An overcomer, conqueror, warrior. A brave girl who is worthy of love. An imperfectly perfect, authentic, vulnerable being. A child of God. My choices will come from either my brokenness or my wholeness. One of the hardest things I had to learn was to take responsibility for my choices. A little bit didn’t work for me. I was too broken. I had to learn to take radical responsibility for my choices. That meant seeing my role in everything. It turns out radical responsibility is the path to radical empowerment. When the answers were always out there, I had no hope. I couldn’t change what was out there, so I was stuck, desperate and scared. But whatever I took responsibility for, I could change. I could make a different choice. If I had a broken heart, I could step onto a healing path of forgiveness. If I was betrayed, I could move on. If I experienced loss, I could grieve and heal. If I was criticized, I could learn the truth. If I was rejected or abandoned, I could reclaim my worth.

Our lives are made up of all our choices, minute by minute, day after day. Our choices matter. But the only way we can make choices that honor our life and our health is if we understand what our life is worth. Although our lives are made up of our choices, we are more than that. We are love itself. We are the miraculous creation, made to reflect love. And because our identity does not lie in what we do, or what has been done to us, we cannot damage or lose our worth. Ever. So our job is not to create a daily practice of walking, lifting, eating healthy, etc. so much as it is to create a daily practice of remembering our worth and who we really are. Of knowing that when a moment of choice comes, if we are deeply rooted in our spiritual daily practice, that choice will be a healthy one. That choice will reflect our belief that we area loved, worthy and good enough. That is what it means for Love to conquer all.

I have an extraordinarily interesting view of the self-improvement process. I would like to share it with you today. A few times a year, a number of women contact me to inquire about services at Clear Rock Fitness. The majority of new people come to Clear Rock in late January, May, or September. The first thing I do is set up a time to meet. This way I can give her a quick tour of the studio, explain how personal training works, and find out more about her goals. Most women sit in the chair next to my desk and are surprised by their own tears as they talk about the struggles they have had with their weight and their health, and how stuck they feel. It is like all this emotion has been crammed into a jar and the lid is on tight. But as soon as we start to talk about it, the lid loosens just a bit on that jar, and all the feelings start to leak out.This is normal. This is good. Lie: Talking about this is upsetting me. Truth: I am already depressed, anxious, and suppressing my feelings. They are running my life. Talking about them is just bringing them to light. Some women summon courage and buy their first package of ten sessions. They are filled with hope, although very tentative, and are daring to step out and believe, just a little bit. “Maybe this pit that I have dug for myself isn’t too big to get out of. Maybe change is possible for me.” Lie: I’m too far gone. Truth: Nope. No such thing. We set up a training session and I start to pray. I pray that all the fear and lies that she is hit with between now and her first training session don’t overwhelm her and send her running. I pray that she is filled with courage and belief just long enough to start exercising consistently. I pray for healing of old wounds that are keeping her in self-destructive cycles of compulsive eating and inactivity. Lie: I can just change my thinking. Truth: Your best thinking got you here. This journey is about your heart. Some women are ready. They start training and know that the first six months or so is going to be hard. They know they are changing their lives and it is going to take dealing with all the stuff that comes up, all the excuses and lies and fear and guilt and shame and loss and self hatred and unbelief, to keep going. But most women have no idea what is about to happen. Most women think all they did was sign up to work out. It is not clear yet that every belief they have about themselves, their worth, and their bodies is going to be challenged. Lie: It’s all about the workout. Truth: It’s about consciously stepping into the change process. It’s about commitment. One of the things I find amazing about the women of Clear Rock Fitness is that some of them have been exercising with me for 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 years! They have made themselves a priority, and are keeping the commitment. It’s incredible. And not just because it allows me to have the job of my dreams and a business I love. It is incredibly inspiring to know this is possible at any age, any fitness level, and despite any physical challenges. Lie: I should be able to do this all on my own. Truth: We all need support, encouragement, and accountability to stay with this and that’s OK. It may look like a package of ten personal training sessions. But it’s so much more. It is an opening of the heart. An invitation for the Spirit of Truth to come and heal the false beliefs we carry about fitness and health, worth and being good enough. It is a beginning. Look, I remember very clearly what it felt like to be in the pit. I will never forget. I believed that it was too deep to climb out of. I believed that I was too far gone and not worth saving. I believed a lot of things that turned out to be false. But two things had to happen for me to begin to heal. One, I had to take the first step and then another and then another and decide to keep going. Left foot, right foot. I had to commit to staying on the path. Walk. Lift. Water. Veggies. Left foot, right foot. Two, I had to open my hands and invite the Truth to come into my heart where before, all I had known was fear and false beliefs. I had to begin to believe again; in what was possible, in my worth as a woman regardless of my messed up past, and in the fact that each step I took was good enough. I had to remember who I was. A woman with a trail of brokenness behind her, that was forgiven and made whole again. Lie: I’m broken beyond repair. Truth: Miraculous healing is available to all of us. All of us. All of us.