Cartouche's Blog

Artist, former newspaper columnist and restaurant critic. Award-winning author of "In Pursuit of Excellence". In my spare minute I can be found blogging here, on Huffington Post and other places that don't pay and (more often) writing for some places that do. Occasionally I tweet random thoughts and observations as @nonconfromist. I keep the really good ones to myself.

What I Learned AFTER 50

Now that I’ve had a little more than a year to settle into my current role, I think I can look back upon it with some degree of knowledge and intelligence.That I am officially part of that horrid demographic known as “50 Plus!” (it’s the stupid exclamation point that irks me to no end), I want you to know that there are nuggets of wisdom you glean only by having gone beyond the mid-century mark. In no particular order, some lessons I learned after 50:

The mail doesn’t arrive any earlier. There’s no need to race out to the mailbox for letters that aren’t coming.The bills won’t be any less (or fewer) if you keep looking out the window and then run to greet your carrier. This lesson gets totally lost after 70.For some, it’s the only thing people look forward to other than a doctor’s appointment.

You are never going to be a better dancer than you were before.Worse, you are never going to be an attractive drunk dancer. Stick to drinking only.

The world is as much of a mess now as it was 20 years ago.For some reason, you get a bigger urge to clean it up.Talking more loudly in an attempt to do so is no replacement for an Oreck vacuum cleaner.

The mirror is no longer your best friend.It becomes more like an older relative you hadn’t seen in years.That he or she now shows up every day is kind of freaky.

It's easier to find sex than it is love. But it's also easier to determine that it was bad much more quickly and save you lots of time and money.

You require about a third of the calories you did in your 30’s to sustain all the weight you have piled on since.Loose hips sink ships.I’m an anchor.

Your bodily functions are of no interest to anyone but your doctor or you.While letting a fart slip when you were a teenager was funny, it’s horrifying when you discover that places like the movies serve as a warm-up room for the rectal orchestra.That you are considering auditioning because of what you just ate for lunch indicates a tune up for your diet is in order.

That story you just told was not particularly interesting the first time around.Repeating it over and over again won’t make it more so.It’s not so much that we are becoming obsolete, as we are boring.Why do you think we yawn at 10 in the morning in the presence of our own company?

Nobody cares what you used to do unless it meant that money came with it and that you gave it away to others.Conversely, nobody cares how much money you saved or have now unless you are planning on sharing it.It’s easier to get money from a Nigerian than it is from someone over 50.We become hoarders of it.

AARP will barrage you with ads of happy, healthy, beautiful, fun loving, fit people enjoying the hell out of their golden years.You will never see any of these people in public.Cut out the pictures and put them in frames.Tell visitors they’re your relatives.If anyone asks, tell them your good looks come from years of being a stay-at-home highly unpaid writer.

Stop looking for love.It’s like trying to remember where you put your keys.When you find either, you usually are just as relieved as you are disappointed for being so stupid.

Let love find you.Get yourself a pet and call it a day.Since a single dog year equals seven human ones, eight years from now, you’ll both be the same age and can enjoy your advanced age together.

Having turned 50 in July I understand this. We already blame our two dogs regularly for all of my husbands [56] bodily functions he now shares openly. Thanks for the suggestion, I will definitely cut out those pictures of the happy, healthy tennis-playing seniors and put them in frames. I recently went to a matinee shownig of "No strings attached" and looked around me: all seniors watching soft porn.

I'll be 53 this year, and I don't disagree with any of these. One thing that might be an improvement, for me at least, is being less concerned about what other people think, so I feel freer to dance badly on occasion.

Congratulations to making it to the Half Century mark. Now your challenge, should you accept it, is to defy time and live your life without any of the "expectations" associated with being Fifty Plus. Irreverence towards life has its own rewards, which our mothers never told us. Cheers to a new dawn.♥

Cartouche, you described this so perfectly. I haven't done as well as you. I'm still in denial. When aarp stuff comes in the mail I throw it in the trash. I particularly like this: "The mirror is no longer your best friend. It becomes more like an older relative you hadn’t seen in years. That he or she now shows up every day is kind of freaky." Freaky, indeed. xo ~r

Agree on the last para, not the second to last, based on anecdotal experience. I think we learn in a geometrically progressive way as we age, so there's lots left to learn. And as for mirrors, f... 'em.

You put fun back into fifty. Those pictures of sexy attractive Photoshopped AARP models strolling down the beach aren't what it really looks like. It looks like this: funny creative woman blogging and quick witted readers commenting, nodding our heads in support. That is much more fun than spending several hours doing my hair and makeup and color coordinating an outfit so I can go to the beach in perfect light and walk a few feet.

And there's only one thing more depressing than being 50+ and looking for love: watching 50+ ANYbody chasing after love. It's TOO hard to watch: desperate older people showing up w/that "I NEED LOVE" neon sign flashing from their foreheads.

Totally agree w/getting love from pets. Actually, they're a better deal: they don't cheat on you, and you can always count on them.

I love this: "...places like the movies serve as a warm-up room for the rectal orchestra. That you are considering auditioning because of what you just ate for lunch indicates a tune up for your diet is in order."

I've decided to take the brass and percussion sections out of my orchestra and leave just the strings.

I assure you, cartouche, the lessons just keep piling up. By my age (66) one learns to stay out of movie theaters and ask "Have I told you this story?" about three words into it. I makes one very popular among the eye-rolling set. :)

I avoid looking in mirrors, especially full-length ones, and can honestly say that I have less wisdom now than at any other time in my life. But as the sane woman who shares my demented mother's room in the nursing home likes to say, "Any day when I wake up and I'm still above ground is a good day."

Fifty never bothered me, it was the old people card I got at 62 that said Medicare on it and the way it was delivered from my 15 year old who said, " Daddy your old people card is here." No respect for their elders these days. You look just marvelous Patricia although I would have to say O"Really is the cuter one. Be well my friend......o/e

I've had this fantasy that I would meet you someday. After all, you once commented on a post of mine "You wouldnt say that if you saw my ass first" when I wrote about someone whose writings made me want to meet them.Now you tell me "Loose hips sink ships. I’m an anchor."Another disillusionment of my old age.But I'd still like to meet you. And your dog.

good list, patricia, and you're a quick study. i'm pretty sure i didn't have most of these figured out until i'd been 50 for almost ten years. (though i'm still not cool with that mirror thing, true as it is.)

Yet more proof (as if we needed any) that you're a very quick study. You've got the 50's nailed, I hope to know you long enough to hear about our 60's too. (Is it really possible we're using those numbers?? Oy). And why is it that '50' sounds so much younger than 'half a century'?

10 years ago at the age of 51, I went skydiving like I did when I was younger. It turned into a ditch digging event, head first at 40mph. Big Owie. No more skydiving. Cigar smoking seemed more my speed...which was zero. I discovered that a painless youth was taken for granted. I discovered there was no sympathy coming my way...just clucking tongues for being stupid. My 50's were experimenting with the right meds that would not make me drool.So now I merged my passion and a career. Writing about cigars. It's the perfect, unwanted, repellent for women. I carry around Febreze in my pocket. And mints in the other pocket. I am used to the crinkled mouth and the shake of the head when women find out what I do.But guess what, it makes me happy and I haven't had enough happy in my life until now. (Disclaimer: I don't smoke in front of women)

Okay, I admit, I fought it for a couple of years when I turned 50. I mean, 50? Really? Then, I just said, "F**k it," and went with it and I'm actually okay with it now. It does help, a lot, to have such fascinating contemporaries surrounding me (here on OS, thank God for OS!)

Perfect....I had to smile at this, it was great. One thing I have learned is take pictures now because you just aren't ever going to look better than you do right now and 20 years from now you can look at those pictures and think, "I was hot in my 50s"...

As one who is turning .... 68!.... late Feb. i will say I am amazed this can happen to anyone.

But I hated most 65. Something about that number really was a downer. Ditto: 69 and 70 and onwards. So I am celebrating 68 as a magical number and a time when i am still alright. That should give you some perspective. I bet you are gorgeous and being funny more than not. 50 is kid stuff.

As one who is turning .... 68!.... late Feb. i will say I am amazed this can happen to anyone.

But I hated most 65. Something about that number really was a downer. Ditto: 69 and 70 and onwards. So I am celebrating 68 as a magical number and a time when i am still alright. That should give you some perspective. I bet you are gorgeous and being funny more than not. 50 is kid stuff.

There's more stuff to learn. If you have to limp or use a cane to get somewhere, you don't need to pretend it's just temporary.If people make you wait, it's okay to meditate in public.You get over all those assumptions that other people want to help you, or be fair, or even do good work. If you need a nap, take it.Learn breathing techniques that will up your energy.You can learn to let gas out of your intestines quietly.You must exercise every morning to feel like you can get through the day.If you don't talk often, and take the time to plan your words, you can hold the interest of others, briefly. You may get them angry, but they will hear you.The best thing is that your writing will improve. You have more patience for rewrite, for cutting good scenes that don't further the story, for doing the necessary research, and for applying DMSO to the parts that hurt.

I am at my late twenties but already i found what you say are so true. I have been running after love for about 10 years since i was 19, it seemed that love was the only thing i could care about. But now after having everything, i became so exhausted and dissapointed and am determined to let it all go if it wants to...

Half the time I can't remember why I've walked into a room. And I still have a few months to go before that mid-century mark. But I can see I have much to look forward to. Very humorous post! Love it. ;)

Amen. Been there, but now I'm even older than that. I'm almost invisible and i don't mean that in a bad way - very Zen-like, actually. The thirst for accomplishment still nags me from time to time but then I just turn on the boob tube.