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I read stories about attempted triads, aborted triads, triads-yet-to be manifested, where there is this "original couple" trying to "add a third", with some kind of grotesque fascination. In my own personal limited vicarious experience, I have observed that "the couple" is always assumed to be the original pair... How the third relates to the couple individually and as a unit. i never seem to notice "the couple" ever referring to one of the original pair + the third. There always seems to be an onus on "the third" to relate and adjust to the established climate of "the COUPLE". It's a subtle thing that manifests itself in ways that transcend the meaning of words on paper. It's one of those deals where what people DON'T say communicates more than whatt they DO say.

I think it's possible to BE a "poly couple", but not if your common goal is to "have a triad". Even if you (the original pair) are still "looking" for your "third", itt is not too soon to start practice losing this "us-plus-one" mentality thaat drives the agenda. the only "poly couples" are two people together at any given time who happen to be in a non-monogamous relationship agreement. When I am with my Spouse, we are a "poly couple"; when we are wiith ourr other paartners, we are each part of a "poly-couple" with them. When I am with my Other Partner, I am not thinking of my relationship with Spouse as the "REAL" couple. Likewise, I do not think of my marriage as being any more of a "REAL" poly-couple just because it's got legal paperwork and a longeer duration than Spouse's relationship with their OSO. The two of them are juust as muuch of a "poly-couple" as we are even though they've only been together for a yeaar andd don't share finances. There is no one "central" poly-couple and all other relationships are "satellites". Each relationship stands on its own as a "couple", because ultimately, you can only be in a relationship with any peerson AS one pperson. No matter how married and committed you are, you cannot merge your consciousness with another human being to the point where you act as one unit in a relationship with a "third". I know I'll probably get razzed for saying that ("my poly is not your poly" and all that knee-jerk mumbo-jumbo people like to say when they don't like it but can't think of anything else to say), as I have seen enough "poly couples" who think they are so tuned in to each other they might as well be one person instead of two. I mean, it isn't a crime to feel that way about each other, but it is a little creepy and off-putting when you take it out into public and try to find another person whom you expect to hitch their planet onto your solar system. The original "poly couple" gets to be the sun, and everyone else is just a planet?

That's my thesis about "poly couples". I don't expect anyone to change for me, and I don't even wish for that. I will continue to judge things based on what I observe and experience, however.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 02-23-2013 at 06:59 PM.
Reason: Didn't edit but apology for repeating letters. Keyboard does that & i'm too lazy to fix it all.

Location: Ping-ponging around Europe, trying to get a publishing concern off the ground

Posts: 718

The whole time that I was typing that last post, I was aware that Vixtoria was not just talking about ads

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vixtoria

I guess what I'm baffled about is the times, and there are more than I would like, that I'm approached with a 'my husband and I would like you to join us' thing. If they are both interested in me, then fine, approach me. Separately. You are two people. I would have to see if I was interested in you as individuals. I may LOVE the way you interact as a couple, as a unit, but dating a unit just doesn't even seem possible to me. In that unit, there are two distinct people.

, but I decided to split the reply into 2 posts.

Reply a) As in my first post, sometimes it's difficult for people to articulate just what they really mean. If you're AT ALL interested in them, give them the benefit of the doubt... or at least a chance to explain themselves better.

Reply b) Sometimes couples are looking to pep up their sex lives and - as several have testified already - 3rd parties get used as sex toys.

Reply c) Different strokes for different folks. [One person's meat is another person's poison.] If you get bothered by this approach, and it IS exactly what they mean, bad luck! I DON'T mean that in a "well, tough shit!" sort of way. I really sympathise with your feelings here (although I never get approached like this). My advice: accept that it takes all kinds to make a world, and that you're not the one that they're looking for... but that they have RIGHT to look for it.

Reply d) But my overall reaction: You're right to feel leery. As in nycindie's quote from FormerUnicorn, a couple that adds a 3rd can feel all through the triad that the original couple is more important, and therefore that the 3rd is easily disposable if the going gets rough or circumstances change. And that can REALLY be devastating for the 3rd. But I clicked on that link and found an interesting introduction AND sequel to that failed triad. The bold-face has been added by me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by FormerUnicorn

I tell my story elsewhere, but I was in two triads where I had been "hunted" that is specifically singled out for courtship and inclusion by partners in an already existing marriage. In this case the stage is set in certain ways: The married couple had already discussed the inclusion of another partner, they mutually decided I would be a worthy person, and they worked hard to make sure I felt welcome and wanted. This is some pretty powerful stuff! An incredible amount of validation comes out of being approached like that.

I was very happy in both triads, and my status was very fluid from secondary to primary and back again as time went on and our needs changed. There were times I lived at the house and participated in the relationships as a primary partner in terms of responsibility, care, and money, and there were other times when I was merely a large part of their lives, secondary in nature but still hugely and intimately connected.

I was very committed to the first triad, but I was shut out completely when they found out they were pregnant. It was heartbreaking for me, because I lost my lovers, my best friends, my refuge, everything that defined me. I went my own way and picked up the pieces alone. I eventually reconnected with them after the baby was born, but I couldn't trust they wouldn't abandon me again and we grew further and further apart.

Years later, the second triad was... so beautiful that I can't even put words to it right now. I was very fragile and broken when these two took me in, and they helped me find my strength again. While they left the invitation open for a long-term primary position in our relationship, at the time I was unable to pull my own weight and I was unwilling to let them pull it for me until I could. In hindsight I realize that they would have been there for me through whatever I needed, but I just wasn't mature enough at the time to see it. I will always regret leaving because I have never felt more accepted, more loved, period.

So, being burned once by couple A damaged FormerUnicorn's chances for a "happy end" with couple B. A shame!

It is not that it "can" or "can't" work. Of course "it" CAN and HAS "worked". What people seem to have trouble understanding is that you can't FORCE something like this ("this" = polyfidelitous/equal/ffm/mfm/mff triad unicorn-utopia) to happen. these Poly Couples are like, "OK, we're READY. We. ARE. Ready. READY, we say! ISN'T THERE ANYBODY OUT THERE? CAN U HEAR ME? WE DECIDED TO HAVE A TRIAD AND WE NEED A BISEXUAL FEMALE! ANYONE? ANYONE???? BUELLER??? ...oh fuck it. there aren't any poly bi women around here. Hey, forum! How do we meet poly people? We can't find ANY poly people where we live. Especially bisexual female poly people. HELP! Oh, and they can't be smokers or fat or eat red meat, and they can only have sex with one of us if the other can participate too or at least watch. We don't want anyone to get jealous. Form an orderly queue, and fill out this intake form so we can screen you for compatibility."

" as I have seen enough "poly couples" who think they are so tuned in to each other they might as well be one person instead of two. I mean, it isn't a crime to feel that way about each other, but it is a little creepy and off-putting when you take it out into public and try to find another person whom you expect to hitch their planet onto your solar system. The original "poly couple" gets to be the sun, and everyone else is just a planet?
.

This!!!

I have seen this in ads also.....with terminology like "We are looking for our other half..."

What??? So the two of them are a half?
And the amount of them who say they are looking for 'the right fit' also is astounding....

I wrote to a couple the other day who profiled that "We are not looking for an addition that will challenge or disrupt our environment."
The reply back was 'we only want the right fit, we won't settle for less" (plus some other stuff about how attractive they are and the fact that their relationship is SO spot on and perfect that they know exactly what they are doing.....).

I have seen this in ads also.....with terminology like "We are looking for our other half..."

What??? So the two of them are a half?
And the amount of them who say they are looking for 'the right fit' also is astounding....

I wrote to a couple the other day who profiled that "We are not looking for an addition that will challenge or disrupt our environment."
The reply back was 'we only want the right fit, we won't settle for less" (plus some other stuff about how attractive they are and the fact that their relationship is SO spot on and perfect that they know exactly what they are doing.....).

Gaaaaah!!!! *bangs head on wall*

what was the reason you wrote to them? was it to respond to their search, or did you just want to quiz them about what that phraseology was supposed to mean out of intellectual curiosity?

Kindly directing us on a better approach is much better than mocking our inability to have it right the first time. I've felt attacked before and it doesn't mean I didn't appreciate the correction but mistakes are mistakes and we all have to start somewhere right?

__________________It's just me, my ramblings and the elevator music in my head.

Malfunktions, there are plenty (plenty) of threads (on here, PMM, PP and myriad poly blogs) with suggestions of what not to do, they are often not listened to, hence why people get frustrated. As I wrote in my example (again, it was worse than that, very arrogant, very objectifying) my email to them was not mocking, that would have been counter to my purpose, still the response I received was 'I know what I am doing, you don't know us or what is right for us'. Then they swanned off and deleted. This happens a lot, so you need to understand that for people around for a long time, it can get frustrating and being patient only goes so far.