I’m not going to lie. I feel a little bitter. See, I used to kind of like squirrels. Even swerved my rig to avoid hitting them. Slammed my size 8 clearance rack ballet flats—DSW! I love me a sale! Wait, what were we talking about again? OH YEAH— slammed mah fun shoes, wasted valuable tire tread, to spare these creatures a most nasty fate.

And yet. YET! Who knew these little rat bastards would take up residence in my humble abode? Trespassing squatters! Squatting trespassers! You owe me a rent check you fuzzy little shits! Listen up peeps, if one night you’re minding your own biz watching the talent on The Voice(AdamLevineAdamLevineAdamLevineAdamLevinecallmeAdamLevineAdamLevineAdamLevine) and it sounds like there are 300 pound men having a drunken bar brawl in your ceiling, that’s the first clue. It would be one thing if they were quiet about it—we could all just hug a tree and pretend that I didn’t know that they didn’t know that I know they know they are there. But no. I do know. Because you loud ass mothahtruckers woke my kids. You moron rodentia!

HOMIE, IT DIDN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. THIS AIN'T MOTEL 6---I DID NOT LEAVE THE LIGHT ON! Photo courtesy of Photobucket.

It is ON!

So, because we are generally inept and cowardly, we made the call no one wants to make. We called the pest po-po. Who were more than happy to take care of this shitshow for us. For the low, low price of ELEVEN HUNDRED UNITED STATES DOLLARS.

What.

The.

*&^%.

I might swerve TO hit a squirrel on the road. Oh yes I might. You rat bastards are on notice. Notice! You are not safe. None of you. Go gargle with an acorn! Or an empty beer can tab I might accidentally on purpose leave on my deck steps. By accident. Take a dirt nap by my 3/4 painted shed? Be.my.unguestliest.guest.

Listen here, the Catholic Church has a just war theory.

HALLPASS!

Muffintopmommy, 1. Rodentia, ZERO!!!!!!!!!

For ELEVEN HUNDRED US DOLLARS I now know there are a gazillion small openings at our roof line –we might as well have hung up a “Welcome Loud Ass Furry Douchewaffles” sign. (Why thank you high quality tract home builder! I do SO love my home built of popsicle sticks and Elmer’s glue. So do the mofo rodentia in my zip code!)

The better news is, the flying squirrels have some mouse buddies who’ve come to party in my casa, too.

It didn’t have to be this way. I broke for squirrels–and they took advantage of my peace lovin’ nature.

So now I am sitting here. Letting the cold, hard reality marinate…..there have been multiple critters in the eaves of my attic. Scratching the walls and taunting my kids my delicate flower of a hubs. Poised to rage and ready to do damage.

Hit the road, Jackwads!

TAKE A HINT FURBALL: RODENTIA NON GRATA!

So I suppose, then, I should feel happy that Amazon.com was kind enough to email me today to suggest I might like to buy…my own book, Mommy Mixology. (Now available on Amazon.com for the low low price of $10 and change. You can buy approximately 110 copies of my book for the SAME price of eradicating rodentia from your attic. Don’t you just LOVE a bargain?!!) A for effort Amazon for knowing your audience. You titan of industry, you. Of course I would LOVE to buy my own book but I’m a little short this week maybe I can save up for it. Or perhaps they just sensed….I was having a bad, bad, no good, horrible, sucktasticly fracktastic $1100 day and might be in the market for a cocktail. Who knows!

Rodents happen.

You heard it here first.

And for that calamity, you can bet your ass there’s a cocktail!

(If you see me drinking a 40 in a paper bag, you’ll know the rodents won. Until then, charging ON with my high fallutin’ 12 ounce domestic beer in a can.)