Recently, it's come to my attention (from hubby) that I have a few strange things that I often comment that I cannot stand. I'm going to list them and then rationalize or attempt to explain why I cannot stand them.

People who fertilize their lawns. Please, do more to pollute the groundwater. After all, if I don't get poisoned by it, my children or grandchildren might. So thanks in advance for that.

People who drive slowly in the "fast lane". Come on. I want to travel faster than you are currently driving. Please get over. Now.

Drivers who have their music so loud that I can hear it in my car with my windows up. News flash! Not everyone shares your taste in music. I want to listen to the music playing on my radio, not the music you are blaring.

The man at Borders who always tells me I gave him the wrong number. He waits until I'm finished to start typing in the number. HELLO, dude.. if you wait until I'm finished rattling off the numbers, the higher YOUR chances become of screwing up the phone number. I'm not a complete moron. I know my freakin' phone number.

People who water their lawns. Allow me to explain... I think it's horrible to waste water, especially perfectly good drinking water. If you use rain water or run-off, I'm okay with your choice. I just cannot stand that people waste water to water their lawns. I would like to have something to drink in the future. Thanks. And yes, my parents fall into this category and they are VERY well aware of my stance on it.

Dog owners who do not pick up after their dogs in public places. HELLO! Dogs have business they do. Because you take them to an alternative location to do it, does not mean that you do not have to pick it up. There are children who run around in those public areas, then step in it, and then bring it to school and kindly ask their teacher to help them clean off their shoes. Thanks a lot, jerkface dog owner.

People who wash their cars in their driveway. This goes along with the people who fertilize and water their lawns... those chemicals? They lead to the storm drain. The storm drain then leads to the local water sources (in my case, the Chesapeake Bay) or into the ground water. Again, you're poisoning me. Thanks.

Whew. I feel better getting that off my chest. If I offended you in any of my items, don't take it personally... or change your habits. I kid, I kid. (Kind of)

Friday, May 29, 2009

While I understand you don't really like the rain, I have a hard time understanding why it is you can't just run out into it, do your business and come right back in. Instead, you insist on crying for a moment or two, venture out into the rain, shake a few times, and then return to the patio to pee.

I know you're a girly-dog and I'm okay with that. We've all accepted that you don't really do anything normal dogs do, but this is above and beyond. Especially since we're in the middle of monsoon season around here.

I'm going to need you to "man-up" and go ahead and do your business in the grass. You are, after all, a dog. That is where dogs go. And.. when it comes to doing your daily number two, please don't hold it because that's when you get all gassy on me and then you have anal gland issues and the rest of us have to smell you. It.is.not.fun.

So, here's to hoping you'll accept the rain and go do your business in the yard like normal dogs do. After all, your sister plays in the rain and enjoys it.

Is it because you have white fur and don't want to get it dirty? We can solve that problem very easily with a bath or the spray on cleaner because you are so opposed to actually getting a bath.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Looks a lot like... this? Turns out they make police-issue mace look a lot like a mag lite flashlight. I figured that one out today as I was sitting in the car playing with my friend's key chain. As I was wondering how on Earth the little hole on the end could make for a good flashlight, I turned it and pushed the button. SPRAY! Mace. In the car. Right by my face

In my defense, though, I was in Michigan visiting with the family and then I came home Monday night and went straight to the ER. Believe me when I say the ER is the worst place in the world when you're only half dying. To make a long story short, I had shortness of breath, EXTREMELY high blood pressure, and my resting heart rate put marathon runners to shame. Apparently I was having a panic attack that lasted quite a while. I've had a few panic attacks in my day (read: I take meds for this daily) and this just wasn't the same thing and I wasn't stressed. Apparently panic attacks can change up their MO. Because really, I need one more thing to stress over, right?

Oh well.

But seriously, there were quite a few times when I felt like the ER nurses and doctors left me to die. Apparently if you're not really dying... they don't care about you.

Note to self: No more panic attacks on a holiday because the ER is the only place open and all the weird ones come out of the woodwork on holidays.

And... one more thing. To the crazy man who was wandering around our neighborhood in only his undies and a jacket, knocking on doors? That's not cool. I'm glad the neighbors called the police and you were picked up. 4 AM is not a good time to play ding-dong-ditch in your undies.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I should not be left alone. With the absence of grad classes and the trillions of papers I always had to do... I have a bit of free time on my hands. Hubby is gone for the evening. This is never a good thing. I always come up with some crazy ideas. Once, I tore up the carpeting on the stairs without asking hubby. He was a little surprised when he came home. Another time? I dyed my hair. It turned orange. Then I tried to dye it a more natural color and it turned yellow. Not blonde. Yellow.

This time? I bought a wave maker blow dryer and new sunless tanning lotion. I now have crazy hair and a deep bronze shimmer to my body. Unfortunately, it's not quuuuuuuuuuite right. Streaks and wavy hair just don't mix.

Apparently my little one who explained that I'm a need and not a want (social studies vocab) had a little change of mind.

Today after I chased after a bee the size of my fist and finally killed it with my shoe, the little one said rather loudly, "I wish it stung you.. I'm mad at you. I'm so mad at you I want a bee to sting you." When I reminded him it was okay to be mad, but it's not okay to be mean... he shrugged and said, "I don't want it to kill you, I just want you to feel a prick for a minute because I'm mad at you."

That's a pretty strange thought process.

At that point I had a little one begin crying because he didn't want to "stab me in the meat with the pen". A look of confusion washed over my face. He then explained that if his mom gets stung by a bee he has to find the meat on her bum or her leg and stab a pen in really hard. Ahh.. an EpiPen. Imagine explaining that everyone does not have to be stabbed with the pen if they are stung, only people who are allergic. He didn't seem to understand.

All of a sudden I'm really thankful that I'm not allergic to bees because I'd be really afraid that I'd have eight little angry friends who stabbed me to death with the EpiPen or let the bees sting me.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

We were doing a lesson today on needs and wants. Needs are things you must have in order to live. Wants are, obviously, things that you could live without but just want to have.

When asked to draw a picture of one need, one little guy drew a picture of me. When asked to explain his reasoning, he simply said "I can't live without Mrs. L, so it's a need." Um.. not quite what I was thinking.. but I couldn't convince him otherwise. He was adamant that he could not live without me.

When asked to draw a picture of a want, another little guy drew a female and a box with squiggles in it. I asked him to explain his picture and he said, "It's Mrs. L teaching me and a cage of snakes. I want Mrs. L to teach me forever and I want her to have a classroom snake as a pet. I want to see Mrs. L teach the snake." Um.. little guy? Mrs. L is not to keen on snakes.

Apparently in the eyes of 7 year olds I'm a need and a want. Can't live without me and don't want to live without me. Very nice. Glad to know I'm appreciated.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

This beauty? Is about to be mine. After a few moments on the phone with T-Mobile discussing my broken phone, I decided to take the plunge and get this lovely. Hubby has an iphone and I enjoy it, but I'm already with TMobile and it wouldn't be economical to switch right now... so I debated between the G1 by Google and a blackberry.

We found that out today when we were walking the dogs around the lake. We were being careful because the geese had their little goslings (is that right?) with them and I know mama's aren't too keen on people or animals being around their little ones. Right as we walked by I heard a loud hiss. I looked over to see a mama goose hissing at us.

Thankfully hubby had the Big Dog (who was REALLY interested in the geese) and I had the Little Dog (who was not at all interested in the animals.. I mean, they are animals, she can't be bothered by anything that won't pet her and love her) so we were able to pass by them before anyone got hurt.

The funny part? As we walked by, we commented that we would hate for something to happen. It'd be our luck that we'd get in trouble by our homeowners association for harassing the animals or something. You laugh, but I wouldn't be surprised if it happened. Seriously. Our HOA takes nature very seriously.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

In my classroom, we talk about using "velvet" words. Velvet words are words that make someone feel good because they are kind, instead of sandpaper words.. sandpaper words hurt others. (I did not make this up, a student who transferred from another school brought it with her and I had to adopt it because my kiddos loved it).

While we were discussing our rules for the day, I asked a kiddo to tell me what being respectful meant.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I took Little Dog to my kickball game tonight. There were four other dogs there, including two little 12 week old puppies.

As soon as we walked in the door, Big Dog thought we cheated on her! She can't stop sniffing Little Dog and looks at me like.. "What the heck, Mom? I thought I was the only other dog in her life!"

Before you go judging me for taking one and leaving the other.. it was a kickball game and it would be impossible to keep track of two dogs. Plus, Big Dog is a pain in public places-- I can't keep her under control. AND, the other dogs are half her size but just the right size for Little Dog.

Too bad Little Dog was a snot and growled at all the other dogs for stealing her attention. She's just like her mom, she can't stand the limelight on someone else!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Why did "24" change the name of Metro stops in the episode last night? Weird.

I've never really watched anything or read anything that took place somewhere I was pretty familiar with until last night. It's annoying to me that they changed the name of the Metro stops in the show. There is no Washington Center. It's called Metro Center.

In school we're talking about jobs. I asked the kids to do a group writing experience about what they wanted for a job. Let me know which one you think does not belong.

When I grow up, I want to be:a) a dolphin trainerb) a worker at Wal-Martc) a killerd) a firefighter

Little Dog is a pretty finicky eater. She eats when she wants to, which is completely opposite Big Dog. If you put food in front of Big Dog, she'll eat it all up no matter what. Even if she's sick.

Little Dog has started a new fun game.. she picks out each piece, examines it, and then decides if she wants to eat it. The whole time Big Dog and I are patiently waiting for her to finish so we can go play. I'm finding out that she really likes the colored pieces of food.. not so much the plain brown ones.

I wanted to post about this yesterday, but I couldn't bring myself to think about spending Mother's Day without my Mom. So I did what I do best when I'm sad about something-- I ignore it. Pretend like it doesn't exist. So yesterday.. Mother's Day did not exist.

It's not because I don't love my mom, because really... as hubby puts it, I need to cut the umbilical cord already. (Yes, he really did say that. In front of my Mom. We died.) I just hate that she's 603 (exactly) miles away and I'm not able to celebrate with her.

My Mom is one of my best friends. Not a day goes by that we don't speak on the phone and share about our days. She knows almost everything about me (the things she doesn't know.. I don't think she wants to know) and loves me just the same. She is one strong woman, a woman who I hope I can be when I grow up. Everyday I thank my lucky stars that she is my mother.

So.. thank you mom. Thank you for being the best mother a gal could ask for. I love you.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

This is what is in front of my house. We had a dead tree that was just waiting to fall on our house, so we had to get it cut down. Of course, hubby (being a typical man) thought we should save the $200 they were going to charge us to haul it away and go ahead and do it ourselves.

Look how wide that stump is.

That light post? It's definitely taller than hubby who is 6 feet 3 inches tall. The wood pile? It takes up the entire front yard.

Don't think I didn't already call the tree company and see if they could remove the wood. Forget the $200.. that's a lot of wood.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Okay, after the 3 AM wake up yesterday I felt REALLY wide awake. I honestly felt like I could conquer the world. Here's a list of things that I accomplished yesterday...

Instituted a new behavior plan in my classroom.

Rearranged my classroom.

Cleaned out a closet in my classroom that was seriously HORRIBLE. We're talking.. everytime I opened it, something fell on me. When the book fell on me, I lost it. I threw it across the room into the trash can (thank you basketball skills!) and took everything out and rearranged, de-cluttered, and threw away A LOT.

Rearranged my snack drawer at school-- it's sorted by color and size.

Cleaned off my desk (it needed it).

Kept my sanity in check.

Bought Jillian Michaels 30 day shred AND weights. I plan on starting this weekend.

Oh! And, I managed to teach all required subjects, made mother's day presents for the minis to take home this weekend, kept all children from killing themselves (or me) and there were zero curse words in the classroom all day. This is huge for us.

Had three adults ask me how many cups of coffee I'd consumed. Answer = zero. I cannot stand coffee.

If only I could accomplish this many things on a daily basis and still keep my sanity in check. If you know me in real life, you know I'm not organized.. not in the least. So this was DEFINITELY a lifestyle change for me. Also, I am allergic to working out.. so Jillian Michaels 30 day shred is a little out of my league. But, I'm going to do it.

I just can't decide if it's the steroids or the fact that I'm done with grad classes for three months and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Either way? I'll take a few days of waking up and feeling ready to go.

Seriously? I feel like I could change the world every morning now. Weird.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

I was WIDE awake at 3:00 AM this morning. Couldn't sleep. I'm thinking the steriod they put me on for the bronchitis had something to do with it, as it has made me have vivid, technicolor dreams the two nights prior.

If this is what A-Rod had to deal with when he was juicing it up, I'd say forget the 'roids... give me my sleep.

Here's to hoping I don't become a super grouch today or fall asleep while teaching.. neither one would be good for my career.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Hubby: You should put some Vick's on your chest.Me: I'd love nothing more than to take a bath in Vick's.. if it'd help the cough.Hubby: You should put a sock around your neck.Me: Okay.Hubby: Do you have a sock big enough?Me: Wait.. why do I want to put a sock around my neck?Hubby: Why'd you agree to it?Me: I don't know, I thought it was like when someone says their finger hurts and someone suggests to cut it off. I thought you were thinking like.. choke me or something.Hubby: No.. my mom always put a sock around my neck after she put Vick's on. I thought it was what people do. Call my mom. She'll tell you.

Wow. Come to find out, his mom didn't know why she did it.. she just said her mom did it. She thought it was maybe to keep the Vick's from getting in your hair or your bed. Of course, hubby didn't have a mullet or anything when he was growing up.. so I'm not sure how it would have gotten in his hair. Weird.

Today? Hubby and I were on our way to the vet with Big Dog (that's a story for another post) after we had dropped his car off to get an oil change. As I shut the door, I remembered that my keys were in the house.

Me: (dead serious tone) Crap.Hubby: What?Me: My keys.Hubby: What?Me: My keys. They are in the house.Hubby: So go grab them.Me: The door. It's locked.Hubby: Very funny.Me: Seriously.Hubby: How were you expecting to get to the vet?

In my defense... Hubby ALWAYS drives when we go places. Therefore I never need my keys. The one time I don't grab them.. we're locked out. With a dog. In the rain. For an hour.

$88.00 later, we're in the house with the keys.

The locksmith? He definitely just slid a card in and opened the door. He made $88 in less than 30 seconds. What an awesome job.