Monthly Archives: November 2010

**Warning: For Grown Folks Only. If you were born after January 1, 1990, this ain’t for you.**

Do you remember BET: Uncut? Remember all those low-budget, cheap, smutty videos that were on at 2:30 in the AM? Remember all those rappers that couldn’t rap, but made a highly sexual video just to make it onto BET? Well, well, well…looks like the R&B artists have reclaimed what was rightfully theirs to begin with…the sensual, sexual, raunchy music video. Exhibit A:

Never before have these words rang truer than they do today. We distill our personalities and thoughts into edible 140 character bites. Our relationships are mapped out and put on display for the world to see. With these instantaneous forms of expression the filter between one’s brain and public declaration has grown razor-thin. In a society that based itself upon modesty and the projection decency such a development has radically changed the rules of relationships between people in ways that I believe isn’t yet fully comprehended by society.

Disclaimer: The following are the views of a single, black father whom shares custody of his child. These views are not representative of all single fathers or black parents. These views are not meant to excuse or justify the choices or actions of any individuals. However, this discussion piece is meant to provide new perspectives and encourage dialogue. Comments are greatly appreciated.

The Baby Daddy ChroniclesI – The “Choice” of Fatherhood

The most notably celebrated archetypical villain in black culture is the “Baby-Daddy”. People hate a BD… and they LOVE to HATE the BD.

Have you ever seen an episode of Maury Povich? The topic of the show will be about men who refuse to take care of their children because they haven’t had a paternity test yet. Before the man is ever introduced, he is belittled and berated by his accuser… the crowd shows no mercy; they boo him before he even has a chance to prove innocence; guilty until proven childless.

People Love to hate the BD. And what is more is that the BM is usually assumed to be the “good guy” in most cases. So much so, that a BD is discredited from ever having a point of view. Before we even hit the stage, we are trifling, no good, and assumed to be the single source of everybody’s strife… regardless of the fact that both parents should share accountability… not only in the child’s existence, but in the lack of planning to raise it correctly as well.

But instead we play the blame game. As a result, fatherhood isn’t seen as a life goal; it’s more of a chore.

People always ask the simple question of “Why don’t you JUST take care of YOUR kids?”… not realizing how loaded of a statement this is. What if the simple answer back was “Because I never intended to, and that wasn’t a secret.”… would that excuse him? Would we reassign blame to the woman who flirted with the risk of a pregnancy by an Aint-Shit-Dude?

What society fails to realized and/or accept is that ownership of a child/situation isn’t always easy or simple. Mothers have the advantage of seeing a feeling a tangible difference in their lives while expecting a child. Men sometimes need more time than that… especially when it’s not a part of their plan.

While as humans, we have individual beliefs and moral backgrounds that restrict some life options, the fact remains that there are choices for women to abandon motherhood. Abortion and Adoption, while not very popular, are very available. Men’s only option is to abandon the woman and the child.

This underlying fact coupled with the expectations set in the relationship between the mother and father to be (Please see this link for explanation), could equal something upsetting for one or more parties.

Considering that all active parties know the consequences of unprotected sex, if a contingency plan for pregnancy has never been created, it is assumed that both parties will work to raise the child… But is this a fair assumption? Assuming that somebody will loan you $20 is harsh… but assuming that somebody will invest the rest of their life to include you in some way…. Easy decision. And for those who don’t agree with the many, the choice is not to be a father.

You see, in truth parenthood is a choice; responsible individuals realize that long before they decide to not use a condom. Even still, men often view it as a trap. Sometimes it’s not even that fatherhood is scary; it’s just that men decide they don’t want to be with the woman before they become attached to the idea of raising their own.

Is this okay? No… but it is life… it happens… often. You see it on TV, in movies, on Maury, in your family… maybe even with your mother. My point is that it is prevalent… yet it continues to happen. But you never know, maybe these men abandon the job because they have no intentions of doing it correclty… This is a pathology that is directly linked to the historical behaviors of (absent) fathers, however the blame cannot be placed in one (Man’s) lap.

KING’S LAW: The Parent Trap isn’t impervious to free will.

Thoughts??

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Told y’all I wrote about more than relationships. A few friends of mine went to the University of Arkansas, and I am actually envious. Many of us would like to think that we left our mark at our alma mater, but return a few years later to realize that things have changed, we don’t know anyone there, and life on campus has gone on without us. While that’s still true at Arkansas, at least you literally leave your mark on the campus.

Since 1905, every student who has graduated from Arkansas has had their name etched in stone on campus. As a proud Longhorn who owes Sally Mae lots of money, I wish Texas would start a tradition like this. It’d be nice to return to Austin knowing that I am forever a part of my school. Just my thoughts. -23

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Now earlier I touted the positives of letting your guard down and being emotionally honest with someone you truly care about and really deserves it. Now I’m going to help you identify when someone doesn’t. Also I will be doing so from the male perspective because that’s all I know.

This will not end well

We’ve all been there before there is that girl you’ve just met who looks absolutely beautiful. This is where the problem starts.If you are like me and you are a bit idealistic you have probably created a narrative in your head about this young woman‘s personality based upon how sweet she looks, you probably assume that she might be interested in a guy like yourself cause you’re a nice guy and not an asshole that you hear so many women complain about. That is your first mistake. You don’t know her and she doesn’t know you but you’ve already created a mental link that doesn’t exist. It is unconscious but powerful. You’ve idealized some person you don’t even know. This will lead to issues. You approach her, make her laugh, and strike up a conversation this may lead to one of these outcomes.

This weekend after the epic 2nd half comeback of then #2 Auburn Tigers over then #11 Alabama Crimson Tide in Tuscaloosa, Twitter was abuzz over the possible draft future of one, Cameron Newton. In most if not all draft circles, Cam is seen as the 4th best QB behind Andrew Luck (Stanford), Ryan Mallet (Arkansas), and Jake Locker (Washington). An author of our blog (Spacely Sprockets) contests that he wanted his team the Dallas Cowboys to draft Cam asap. I want to make my point known first and foremost that I am on the Cam Newton band wagon. He has electrified this season of college football and has brought Auburn up to a platform it hasn’t seen in 6 years. Plus he plays on through a series of allegations that discredits his character as well as could possibly put his current school in line for the NCAA death penalty for their role in his recruitment. But I must say that if any of these allegations are true that I run for the hills on him in the draft. Here’s why: Spacely Sprockets made the comparison to Reggie Bush and his problems at USC. My response to that is that those are significantly different situations if for nothing more than the positions they play. Read the rest of this entry »

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Many people have their theories on relationships and how to make them work. I’m of the school of thought that everything in life is made simple, but it is human nature to complicate it. We’re always making the issue seem larger than what it really is.

A relationship has three main components

The personalities involved

The assumptions/expectations they have for each other

The reconciliation of those expectations when they’re not met

These components apply to platonic as well as intimate relationships.

The work we put into relationships will have to do with one of these three issues. If it’s with component #1 (the personality of your partner), you might as well cut the relationship short now.

If you don’t date out of your race, don’t consider baby-daddies or non-degreed individuals, that issue would fall here. The idea is that you wouldn’t build on a relationship with somebody who you just don’t like… so you shouldn’t.

If it can’t work together, then it can’t work.

If you cannot accept the other for who they are, chances are you will always be upset, or they will never be happy while trying to pretend they are somebody else. The idea is to find somebody who compliments who you are and what you do, that way you’ll want to keep them around.

If the relationship effort is related to component #2 (the expectations you have of your partner or vice versa), a conversation MUST be had. This conversation should serve to point out what is safe to assume, what should they expect, what shouldn’t they expect, and what expectations you simply don’t agree with. One of these expectations is usually “to be happy (with each other)”. Most conflicts arise when somebody doesn’t “hold their end up” in relation to what is expected… sometimes those expectations just aren’t clear.

If you (don’t) want it, make sure they know…

Have you ever found that you could never keep your partner satisfied? They always wanted more, but you didn’t know exactly what they wanted? Or maybe they want less from you and feel overwhelmed by the attention you give to the relationship…

If the expectations never get clearer, or they just become unacceptable… it is safe to stop investing in the relationship… just be sure to let your partner know, don’t string them along.

Component #3 and #2 work similarly, in that communication is the only solution. When somebody falls short of a clear expectation, usually there is a very irate party in the relationship. They will complain and point out everything you did “wrongly” if they know that you know what “right” is.

At the end of the conversation there should be a solution. If each party’s objective is to be heard and not to come up with a way to fix the issue, the relationship is considered to be unhealthy. After all, if your objective is to be happy and enjoy the relationship, you wouldn’t want to wallow in conflict in its duration.

If you don't want to be together… then don't.

Nobody should want to argue just to argue, or even to “win” the argument. If your solution to the issue is for your partner to appear to be the loser, then how can you win together?

If your goal is to have your partner focus on their past mistakes, what good does that do to build for the future?

If one party wants to mend the issues, and the other just wants you to admit that you’re a “sorry” individual, what does that do to the confidence that each has in the other.

If you find that there is no solution, or a party is unwilling to discuss a solution, the relationship is doomed to remain unhealthy or to terminate.

These are SIMPLE rules. If everybody made things simple, disagreements would be simple, and thus the decision-making process of finding a new solution should be simple as well.

KING’S LAW: Keep it simple, unless you want to make it hard on yourself.