Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Dear Immigrant,

As a native of this fair land, let me offer an unsolicited pointer. If you are going to incinerate your son-in-law, daughter, and their child, you need to come up with a more American-sounding reason. It's not that we're particularly unused to gruesome murders in this country, but saying that you killed someone because they "were the wrong caste" makes people uncomfortable and may make them think that you'll next start dancing about with a bone in your nose or eating kittens or some other strange foreign custom. To show that my heart's in the right place, here are some suggested reasons that have a more "Non-Imported" ring to them:

1) "He was a fan of (Pick One: Jeff Gordon/the White Sox/the 49ers)."

2) "I told him not to buy a Ford, but he wouldn't listen!"

3) "He served light beer with the Christmas turkey."

and, finally, if you just have to tell them the real reason, at least make it sound more American:

There's always, "I shotgunned him in the back while he slept because he made me engage in strange fetishes and verbally abused me, but only when nobody was looking. You'll have to take my word for it."

My advice for this person (And I use that term loosely)is that the next time he should throw himself in the suttee he's built for his daughter to save us the cost of convicting him, & then housing & feeding him for the next 25-30 years. It'd also be nice if he'd commit the murder is such a way that the victims' neighbors don't loose their homes & stuff.