The Secret to Winning Arguments

There is a secret to winning arguments that can save precious time and spreading love and connection in a world that desperately needs it.

Two things are true of all
arguments big or small. One: we all have them. Two: we all want to be right.

So what are we arguing about?
Relationship experts say—nothing. We argue about ridiculous things, like who’s
turn it is to unload the dishwasher, because our arguments are really representing
deeper issues happening beneath the surface.

I am a clinical
psychotherapist, so I professionally help people navigate arguments in
successful and meaningful ways. In other words, I’m a well-paid referee.

Today, I’d like to share with you a secret to winning these arguments that can help—not only change the dynamic of our arguments—but also bring more love and connection into our relationships.

In order to do that, I need to tell you a personal story about a ridiculous argument from one of my most regular clients: Myself.

One of the biggest arguments
I’ve ever had with my husband was over a broken iPhone–my broken iPhone. This wasn’t just broken, it was shattered with
small shards of glass starting to come out. Just like everyone else, we love our
phones, but this argument was out of proportion to the situation. He was
convinced I was angry and broke the phone on purpose. He also insisted I take
it to the store and fix it immediately. I was furious he could accuse me of doing
such a thing. And, as an oddly frugal person, I insisted I could still use the
phone by carefully avoiding the small shards of glass, to save money.

Angrily, I conceded and was
driving to the Apple store, tears streaming down my face—when I saw a woman I
knew walking her dog. I was so excited to tell her my side of the story that I
practically drove up on the sidewalk to talk to her. I rolled down the window
and shouted, “My husband and I just got
into a huge fight. I broke my phone and he thinks I did it on purpose and that
I should fix it now!” I sat back and waited to see her agree and
understand, but instead saw a confused look on her face (perhaps slightly
terrified) as she said, “Uh—okay—you
probably should fix it though, right?” As I drove away, I suddenly realized
my story didn’t make any sense because it wasn’t explaining what was really going
on. We were not fighting about the stupid phone.

Lucky for us, that wasn’t
the last of our fights and we won front row tickets to couples therapy. Yes,
therapists need therapy too, why do you think we’re so fascinated with everyone
else? We’re always trying to fix ourselves.

There, we argued some more but I learned something in the process that changed my life and the way I argued forever: the secret to winning arguments.

Before we know how to win, we first need to understand why we are arguing in our relationships.

What relationships are we
talking about today? We’re talking about healthy
relationships—meaning they are mutual. This could be romantic, but also applies
to families and friends. We’re not
talking about bullying, abuse, or just volatile comments left on social media
between strangers.

So, why are we arguing in our relationships? It all boils down to this: people have a basic human need for love and connection.

Think about it for a second.
From the moment you were born, you needed people to survive—someone to feed,
clothe and protect you. That has been true since the beginning of mankind and
is true for all human beings.

Which means your brain takes
this very seriously. Our brains are hardwired for survival. And our brain is
very aware that we need love and connection from birth. In fact, without you
knowing it, your brain is constantly scanning for threats of danger or harm, including
the threat of not having love and
connection—in other words: rejection or loneliness.

If you’re tempted to think
that’s just for babies, I am here to tell you it is just as true for adults as
we age. We all need people and connection for our survival.

Research from Harvard and Brigham Young University show us there are health risks for loneliness—and these risks are comparable with smoking and obesity as you age.

Further research from the
UK at University of York shows loneliness increases a person’s average risk
for coronary heart disease and stroke by 50 percent, which are the two biggest
health burdens in higher-income countries.

We need connection for our
survival and physical health even as adults. When we argue about seemingly
small things, deep below the surface, our brain is scanning to determine if
there is a threat for rejection, which could threaten our survival.

When our brain senses this
threat to our survival, it often triggers what’s called an “amygdala highjack,”
otherwise known as the fight-flight response. Stress hormones like adrenaline
and cortisol flood our system and increase our heart rate, breathing, blood
pressure and even affects our short-term memory, making it difficult to stay on
point or even remember what you wanted to say. Your heart may pound; hands can
get sweaty, your body may feel shaky and you may even lash out and say hurtful
things because it is difficult to think clearly.

All these things are
designed to help your body fight or run for your life, which is helpful if
you’re trying to run away from a lion, but not helpful in an argument.

That’s why I panicked when I
was arguing about a broken iPhone. While my conscious mind thought I was trying
to save my pride and some money, my unconscious mind was terrified that my
partner in life may reject me and take away the love and connection and
threaten my very survival.

While I was not facing the possibility of death or losing my husband, I could taste the panic while I was arguing with my husband.

It really felt like I was might die if I admitted I was wrong.

This isn’t unique to me. If
you’re honest, how many times has it felt like a life-or-death situation when
you are arguing about something in your relationship?

In my personal therapy, I learned how to calm myself in the face of panic and I was able to experiment with different responses in highly emotional situations.

So I tried the craziest thing—I admitted he was right.

I said, “You’re right. “

I was really angry when I was talking with you on the phone and I’ve broken things before when I was angry. I see why you think I broke it on purpose. You’re also right for having me fix it. That’s the responsible thing to do.”

I felt like I had offered
myself as a sacrifice to be slayed. I braced myself for rejection. But, what
happened next was so surprising. My husband’s face softened. His expression
shifted. His body relaxed. He turned toward me, smiled and said, “It’s okay. I’m not perfect either. I’ll work
on it.”

I was shocked and felt a
flood of happy feelings—relief, joy, love and most importantly, connection. I
thought to myself, “well this is a whole
lot better than being ‘right’.”

And to make sure it wasn’t a
freak coincidence, I kept trying it. I got the same results every time, and not
just with my husband – with my mom, my friends, my clients and my family. Our
arguments led toward connection.

The secret is to agree.

Here’s why it works, when
you say, “I agree with you,” or “I see your point” the other person can relax
because you are no longer an enemy. When the brain no longer senses a threat,
it changes from a primal response of fighting danger to a more complex thinking
system that allows them to listen, validate, and understand you and move toward
connection.

At this point, you might be wondering
a couple of things.

What if I really don’t
agree? That’s a great question. This is not about lying or being deceitful;
this is about genuinely finding something—anything—to agree about. Even if that
means, you simply acknowledge their feelings.

You also might be thinking, “I
thought you were telling us how to win every
argument. It sounds like you’re telling me to let the other person win.”

To which I say, you’re
right. That may not seem like winning at first. But remember, why do you want
to be right? Your brain really wants love and connection.

I think it’s time we change our definition of winning an argument, from being right to being connected—That’s winning.

The bottom line is this:
loneliness can be deadly. The scary thing is that people can be lonely just
about anywhere. You can be lonely in a crowd, a party, a family, and even a close
relationship—especially if you are arguing.

After thousands of hours of
counseling clients and in my own struggles with arguments and loneliness, I
have become only more certain that our world is in desperate need for more love
and connection.

If we all learned how to
argue towards healthy connections – instead of being right– we can spread more
love in our friendships, relationships, families and communities.

So, I am going to close by asking you to not argue with me—just give it a try!

Lauren Schifferdecker is a TEDx speaker, author of “Inspire Your Life” ebook, and owner of Inspire Counseling Center. She is an entrepreneur, wife, mom, business owner and a professional speaker who loves inspiring people to live their best life. You can get her free e-book and inspiring newsletters via www.inspirecounselingcenter.com

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