Q and A for Teens: Afraid to Enjoy the Joy

I have a good life, but I’m afraid something bad is going to happen.

I feel like I have a very good life, but it seems that everyone has to have some bad in their life, so I’m afraid something bad is going to happen later….

Lauren Roth's Answer

My client was going out on her first date post-divorce, and the potential suitor sounded like a fantastic match for her. I said to her, “I’m so excited about this man! He might be THE ONE!” Do you know what her response was? I’m sure you can guess it, because it represents the kind of thinking most people engage in: “I’m not letting myself get excited, because it might not work out.”

Most people enjoy the joy in their lives only in a guarded, relatively apprehensive manner, not fully trusting that the joy will stay. But that kind of living results in limiting the joy in their lives.

The happy moments will exist in your life. And the sad moments will exist, too. The smartest thing to do is to enjoy the joyful parts fully. Not enjoying them fully doesn’t protect you against the pain of the sad parts.

Not enjoying the joy doesn’t protect us from pain. It just makes us miss out on joy.

With my post-divorce client, we discussed this, and my suggestion was: “Why NOT enjoy the anticipation and excitement that ‘This might be the one!’? Why NOT allow yourself that extra joy of anticipation?” Once we discussed it, she was able to lean in to the joy and fully experience it. She was able to allow herself to be excited by the prospect of “This relationship might work out beautifully!” And she fully enjoyed that joy. The end of that particular story was: that man was not “The One” for her. But guess what? She enjoyed lots of joy and excitement along the way. She experienced joy as it came to her and had more joy than she would have had otherwise.

Not enjoying the joy doesn’t protect us from pain. It just makes us miss out on joy.

I have my own personal example. Probably because I have a handicapped sister, I always knew: Pain happens. Difficult things happen. People are born handicapped. People get sick. People lose money. People die. In sum: Pain happens in life.

Knowing that reality, you can do one of two things. You can wait for and anticipate the pain, and say constantly, “Oh no oh no oh no I know the pain is coming soon oh no oh no oh no….” OR you can live your life fully and happily, loving life and loving the good and reveling in all the good and think, “I know pain might come, but right now life is good, and that is very nice. And if and when pain comes, I will deal with pain then.”

I was more of the first kind of person. I always thought, “My sister Rachel was born very handicapped. That taught me that bad things do happen. So when will my pain come?” I wondered that before I boarded planes (“Maybe today is the day the pain will come and this plane will crash!”). I wondered it when my parents were going for their yearly physicals (“Maybe today is the day the pain will come and one of my parents will find out they’re sick!”). I wondered it when my husband was driving home from a late night out (“Maybe today is the day the pain will come and he’ll fall asleep at the wheel and DIE!”). I wondered it randomly (“Maybe today is the day someone in our family will get sick or die or both!”)…. I wasn’t constantly walking around in a state of worry, but I always had this realistic, pessimistic expectation that “Pain Will Come” in the back of my mind.

But here’s the kicker: it didn’t protect me when the pain came. 15 years ago, “that day” finally arrived. My husband came home from the gastroenterologist, pale and shaking, and told me: “I have a tumor.”

Guess what happened? The pain came. And I dealt with it. Of course it was hard. But I dealt with it. Of course it was painful. But I dealt with it.

The pain did come, and I dealt with it just fine.

All those years of being afraid that “Maybe the pain will come today” were kind of worthless. Because the pain did come, and I dealt with it just fine. I’m not saying I enjoyed the painful process, but it didn’t destroy me, the world didn’t blow up, the universe didn’t cease to exist…. I dealt with it.

Yes, pain comes. And it will probably come to your life, too. But when it comes, you’ll deal with it then. And until it comes, enjoy the joy. The joy is good and it’s here now. When the pain comes, then it will be here. But until then, don’t invite it in early by anticipating its arrival. By all means, anticipate joy—because then you have the joyful experience plus the anticipation of joy. But why add the anticipation of pain to the pain that will probably come?

Enjoy your joy. Thank God for all the good he gives you every moment of every day. Love your life. Live your life NOW. If or when pain comes, you will deal with it, and you’ll probably deal with it better than you think.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Lauren Roth, MSW, LSW, is a graduate of Princeton University, a Marriage and Parenting Therapist in private practice in Lakewood, New Jersey, and an inspirational speaker across North America and on the high seas. She is the weekly "Dear Dr. Lauren" columnist for Ami Magazine. Mrs. Roth and her husband, Rabbi Dr. Daniel Roth, are the parents of six children.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 12

(11)
Barajas,
August 4, 2015 5:37 PM

A person ascends above darkness and all problems only through the Light that Reforms. It is not important if he understands this or not, feels this or not. That is how this action happens and is realized. The difference is only in whether he understands this action or not. It is a matter of perceiving the actions of the Creator on a person both in good and pleasant feelings and in bad and unpleasant feelings.

It is necessary to reach a state of accepting all bad things as good, as things that help me advance. The importance of the goal changes the character of an action to its opposite: from feeling the bad in an action to feeling its goodness so much that we stop feeling pain.

This means that we have the power of faith above reason. The importance of the goal extinguishes the bad feeling that makes us suffer within our desire to receive. It means that I am ready to make a Tzimtzum (restriction) and rise above the bad feeling. And that is how we advance.

But only the Light performs the action, and my job is to attract and hasten the action. I can arouse the Light and prepare myself to approach its action only as much as I can through my request or gratitude. This is how I shorten the time.

This determines our term; time exists only for us. For the Creator, time doesn’t exist, and we are always in the perfect, corrected, final state. What is additional can only be within our consciousness, how much we are ready to discover it as good, as the true form of His relationship.

(10)
Dvirah,
December 3, 2013 7:53 PM

Cushioning the Shock

It is possible that many people start out thinking - as children - that nothing bad can every happen to them and then get a tremendous shock when they find out that it can. The shock makes the event more painful that it would have otherwise been, so painful that afterwards they constantly anticipate bad things so that when the bad things do happen, it is not a surprise and so less painful. If I understand Ms.Roth's article correctly, she advises us yes to have an awareness of this possibility but not to allow the anticipation to destroy the other, good moments in our lives.

(9)
Blumie,
October 18, 2013 8:37 PM

Omg I had the same question as her.... Now I will cherish and enjoy the good parts in my life!

(8)
Anonymous,
October 14, 2013 11:43 PM

Well written

Loved the article. Never saw things from this perspective before.

(7)
Anonymous,
October 11, 2013 5:23 PM

Awesome! Thanks!

What a fantastic attitude to have, and an exceptionally well written piece!

(6)
mili,
October 8, 2013 9:12 PM

thats amaising!!! I think I have this problem! I will try to enjoy more the present moment! because this present moment is GREAT!!

(5)
Ted,
October 8, 2013 7:47 PM

Worry wart

I am a worry wart, as my Grandmother once called me. But living in the present is what we should do. Worrying never added one day to ones life. Being prudent, yes, but not worrying. It also takes away joy and happiness. It is a false unnecessary pain, one of our making. It is similar to being pessimistic, glass half empty, not half full. We can all benefit from this.

(4)
Anonymous,
October 8, 2013 7:14 PM

Thank you thank you thank you

I live my life in constant gratitude for the incredible generosity of the Lord, but when I saw the troubles of those around me I felt overwhelmed with guilt & fear that something big was just around the corner to balance the scales. I cannot express how much you have helped me. I am going to enjoy every moment to the fulles from now on.

(3)
Jaya,
October 8, 2013 5:28 PM

Fear of joy !

This is no accident at all that I am reading it when I should be asleep. Yes , I was unable to relish the peace granted to me and all the comforts for a fear that was the child of my imagination .now no more .this article was written and posted just for me tonight .i shall now close my eyes and just say thank you dear god for guiding me to read this .

(2)
Sam,
October 8, 2013 6:30 AM

We can do it !!

This is an incredible way if thinking. Your perspective on painful situations are unreal and very inspiring. It's people like you that Hashem looks down on and is so proud that we are the chosen nation. Lauren I look up to you because this is your perspective on life. Article after article you continue inspiring many people and its because you don't just write. You live what you write !!!! Many times I am afraid of whats gonna happen if I feel excited about something that I fit know the outcome about. But you are 10000 percent right. Why be afraid and it enjoy the excitment and live joyously. Living with this perspective can make you so healthy and alive. People lack the feeling of being alive many times so they try and fill there time with unneeded and unhealthy things but if they sit with there emotions and just THINK then the world would be a growing plaice constantly. Thanks lauren for is amazing article and I want to give people a bracha out there. I hope that just like lauren has the courage to see life in this amazing perspective and clear cut way. So to may we live life with this awareness that not only can we enjoy life and be excited but may Hashem help us stop fearing cuz fear stands for future events already ruined. So don't ruen your chances. Build them and grow stronger then ever!!!

(1)
Gary,
October 8, 2013 4:52 AM

Not So Sure...

This is a great and wise article which I can use in many areas of my life. But in terms of searching for a soulmate, I'm not so sure. I'm not a teenager, so have gone through enough disappointment in relationships that didn't work out or never got off the ground. Over time, the pain this caused hasindeed made me careful to not get "too excited", and to some degree, this has lessened the hurt if some womanI like is not "the one". I think I'm willing to make the trade off ofless joy on the front end to protect myself from even greater disappointment on the back end. In the other words, I don't want to "get my hopes up", because it makes it harder when the hope is unmet. Yes, you can't live life with apprehension and fear, but in those areas where one has suffered consistent unmet hopes (e.g, having a child, getting a job, overcoming a chronic health issue, etc.) it does seem that that a little less joyful anticipication does have apurpose. Don't mean to be a downer with such an uplifting article!, but open to hearing an alternative logic to the one I have adapted to this part of my life....Gary

Raymond Bastarache,
October 9, 2013 4:34 PM

Not so sure

Hello Gary? Please, do not give up hope,,,, I was 46 when I re-married after 21 years of living alone and my now wife was 40 when she married me?(her first). we are completely happy together cause with age, a person matures. Yes, we have our differences, and arguments.. but learned to resolve them and go on to be happy and enjoy life. I do not think the author was meaning "joy is the same as hope"? I'm sure you have had Happy moments? I think this was one of the most beautiful article ever printed concerning "enjoy joy when it comes and forget what may never come" meanwhile, keep asking G-d and leave it in His Hands...go on and enjoy life? Been there and have the t-shirt. Shalom....peace

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!