Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, Lindsay Lohan's gotta blow off her obligations on the set of every single movie she's worked on for the last five years. In other words, if you play with fire, fire is probably gonna do drugs and drink Red Bull all night and wake up at 4 PM in a bed at the Four Seasons, trying to remember where the shit she was supposed to be at ten AM and oh gross why is this bed sticky?

Nevertheless, The Canyons' screenwriter Bret Easton Ellis musters up what seems like an outsized amount of angry surprise when the inevitable occurs. Yesterday, he Tweeted about how she failed to show up for an ADR session (audio-dialogue replacement—actors' overdubbing of their own lines).

Why? Why? She's LINDSAY LOHAN, motherfucker. What in the world made you think you'd be able to change her? Think about you, Jay McInerney and Tama Janowitz at Nell's back in '85. You'd have had a more prompt shooting schedule if you'd cast a hotel lobby ficus tree as James Deen's love interest. [Gossip Cop]

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While Sam Lufti claimed in court yesterday that Britney Spears shaved her head to hide the evidence of a meth addiction, TMZ has unearthed footage of Lufti circa 2010, lying his eyeballs out about Brit-Brit's decision to cueball herself:

"[It's] a cool thing ... somebody expressing their artistic side. I think she was just expressing her independence and her freedom ... there's nothing wrong with Britney. She's awesome." (Lufti and Brit-Brit pictured here in 2007.) [TMZ]

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Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are back to making out in their native habitat, according to these creepy From-The-Shrubbery-Cam shots of the two hanging out at Stewart's new house in L.A. Click through for pics. If you believe the evidence presented to you, they "hung out on the patio" until she "went for a swim." The two will step out for the first time together since Sanderscheatinggate at an promotional event for Twilight: Breaking Dawn 2 next week. [Pop Sugar]

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Pink's on the cover of Shape Magazine this month, talking about how she lost 55 pounds of baby weight (her "secrets" are working out with Jillian Michaels and not eating Skittles). So there's that. [Shape]

Demi Moore's looking better after all those Ashmi tales of woe died down. [Us Weekly]

Here's what Miley Cyrus wore on Two And A Half Men because you care so deeply. [Daily Mail]

South African rap group Die Antwoord slammed Lady Gaga in a music video; she responded by saying they don't have any big hits; they answered back "at least we don't have prawns in our privates." True story. [Billboard]

We're just rife with feuding musicians this morning! Van Halen called One Direction "dickheads" after they insulted the older men in a hotel lobby. That's so Spinal Tap. [Gossip Cop]