TRASHY GOSSIP

A decade from now, Caitlyn Jenner will be known as a great American icon and our greatest cultural export. She will be adored and admired by millions and there are even college courses dedicated to study her life. In 2027, at the age of 77, She releases Caitlyn: A Peek Into My Boudoir, a best-selling coffee table book of saucy pin-up portraits of herself posing in sexy lingerie. Medium: digital paint.

This is how I imagine Kylie Jenner’s Instagram feed will look 10 years from today. She’ll still be vehemently denying the use of any cosmetic surgery and will have built a vast billion dollar empire peddling her Kylie’s Lip Kits to the masses. Medium: digital paint.

When I came across the headline, "Kim Kardashian furious at South Park for referring to her as a Hobbit", the image you see above is what flashed in my mind. Wearing her most alluring outfit, the Kim Kardashian Hobbit wandered to the edge of The Shire and shamelessly flaunted her greatest asset in hopes of attracting attention. Drawn to the fiery glow cast upon her bare buttocks from the burning chasm dividing them, Gollum perched ravenously atop a Misty Mountain cliff, drooling, wild-eyed, insatiable. As each hair on the Hobbit's sizable derrier shimmered and shone like a golden beacon in the glow of the raging fire, Gollum became mesmerized and started croaking, "my preciousssssss, my preciousssssssss". (Medium: digital painting, early sketches and more details posted on my FB page)

ANNOUNCEMENT: This will be my last celebrity-inspired illustration for the year. I started Gallery of the Absurd in 2005 to showcase what I intended to be illustrations of contemporary folk tales inspired by the stories WE created and exchanged about tabloid celebrities rather than the celebrities themselves. I've had a great time illustrating the silly characters and outrageous narratives celebrity gossip tends to churn out, but it's time to move on and focus on fresh projects and inspirations for a while. I'll continue to post illustrations inspired by absurdity here on Gallery of the Absurd, just not celebrities. Of course, if someone wants to offer me a paying job creating celebrity gossip illustrations, then I'd certainly be interested! I'm also planning to work on a book proposal. I came so close to signing a book deal with Harper Collins/Regan Books back in 2007, but it fell through at the last minute due to a scandal. I'll keep trying though. Thanks for reading my blog. XO14

A delightful storybook romance staring Kim Kardashian as Booty, Kanye West as The Ego Beast, Bruce Jenner as Taut Teacup, Kris Jenner as Leaky Teapot, Khloe Kardashian as The Khlock, and tragic Kris Humphries as Old Flame:

"When Booty’s magical 72-day marriage tragically dissolves, her mother warns that she must find a famous suitor to keep her name in the tabloids, lest she fade from public memory like her old friend Paris Hilton.

“Think of the family,” her mother implores. “Mama’s Bentley is not going to pay for itself.”

Despite her uncertainty about the exact meaning of “suitor,” Booty bravely scrolls through the contacts on her phone to see if there is somebody…anybody…in the Greater Los Angeles and New York areas she has not yet dated – all in the name of keeping the Kardashian Kollection alive at Sears for another day.

Suddenly, Booty stops on a name and gasps.

“No. Not him. I couldn’t…”

But it is too late. When Booty’s mother sees The Beast’s unsmiling face appear on the screen, she insists on making the union happen.

“To Nobu, it is! I will alert TMZ.”

At first Booty is apprehensive about a boyfriend who doesn’t play a professional sport, and whose “greatest pain in life” is that he “will never be able to see himself perform live,” but soon the paparazzi’s tremendous interest in them puts her at ease.

One of the most ego-filled romances of all time, Booty and the Beast appeals to a horrifically large number of people who have made Ryan Seacrest an even richer man."

A preview of some of the pages included in the Booty and The Beast fairy tale:

Once a dim flame who lit Booty's fire in make-believe land, Kris Humphries' blaze was quickly stomped out by a whiny herd of stilleto-wearing Kardashians. Medium: ink and digital color. Character design and illustration by 14, concept, rhymes and story written by Candy Kirby of The Laughing Stork.