Bill Hader doesn’t have the nerve to do stand-up. Photo: David Livingston/Getty Images

Bill Hader. First “SNL” male to grab two Emmy nominations. Also maybe first to be in “The To Do List,” a just-released movie his wife, Maggie Carey, wrote:

“I play a deadbeat slacker with a girl who never did anything sexual.

“Prepping for college, taking notes for everything sexual, she then makes out. French kissing and certain various acts. No romantic comedy. No looking for love. It’s about trying to get laid. A Shakespeare rip-off.”

With that settled, how’s he feel about splitting “SNL”?

“I miss it 100 percent. When I watch, it feels like watching my own funeral. I had originally auditioned for it three times. Seeing me perform in LA, Lorne Michaels flew me to New York for a tryout. The audience didn’t know who-the-hell I was. It was nerve-racking.

“Now that I’m gone from there, I still haven’t the nerve to do stand-up. I’m from a sketch group type of comedy. Too wimpy to try stand-up.”

Famous for impressions of types like Spitzer, Hader says: “I did Leno same time Spitzer was on. I was the first guest. We’d met before, and Jay said, ‘Just stay there.’ I stayed there. It was terrible. They showed a clip of me doing him as the Bone Ranger. Spitzer gritted his teeth. I got an ulcer sitting there.

“I thought, ‘Oh, God, this is what dying must be like.’ ”

Here’s where I’m seeing whom

Where the idle are hiding in the Hollywoods: Stallone did Beverly Glen Deli. Mel Gibson with all his friends (meaning alone) at Geoffreys. Sacha Baron Whozit at Cleo’s . . . On this coast, Hotel InterContinental Barclay served Anglesey eggs from an isle off Wales, home of HRH William and duchess mama Kate . . . And anyone know Dina Merrill’s grandson Cole Rumbough wrote and sings “Awakened” in new film “Apartment 1303 3-D”?

Exit strategy

Huma rumor. After “It’s for the baby’s sake . . . stay together as a family . . . give your marriage a chance . . . I believe in him” scenarios, comes now the exit strategy. The way he weaseled in was by being the wife every working woman needs. She was off to rainy Turkmenistan, he organized an umbrella.

She was hungry in Forest Hills, he arranged food. Next, he’d be mayor, and she had the Rolodex. Marriage made at the voting booth. Whisper is she’s about to tell him to take his weiner and shove it.

Two e-mails from B’way director Warren Carlyle said he was mugged, lost ID, cash, passport, credit cards. Had nothing. Couldn’t reach anybody.

Desperate. Could I quickly send a few thousand. A) Smelled fishy. B) Too boilerplate. No “Hi” or personal greeting. C) “Marooned” in Europe? D) He was here. E) Also, being English, he knows everyone there but the new Prince George. His cell had been hacked.