Instant Fight Stoppers

Sick of bickering? Keep the peace (and get even closer) with these tips.

After seven years of marriage, my husband and I have arguing down to an exact science. We choose from Argument A (who screwed up the checkbook?), Argument B (whose method of disciplining the kids is better?) and Argument C (whose turn is it to take out the trash?). We're still fighting about the same things we fought about years ago, but the bickering takes up less time; I haven't stayed up till 3 a.m. in tears for eons. Our secret? Argument shorthand. That is, instead of going on and on about whose fault it was, how he could have done this again, and why I am always the one to give in, Tony and I have implemented the Say It Once rule. Here's how it works: The injured party makes his or her point, the other acknowledges it (it doesn't mean you agree, just that you recognize the other person's opinion), and we move on. We both have dreadful memories of fights that dragged on for hours, and if we make a concerted effort to stick to Say It Once, we fight less, we fight quicker, and we get over it — fast.

Look, no one likes to argue, but there's no denying that even the happiest couples have disagreements. The trick is to learn how to stop them from morphing into all-out blowups. Read on to find out how men, women and relationship gurus around the country keep the peace — and how you can, too.

1. Be nice to each other (even if it kills you).
Don't overlook the importance of a kind gesture. When the two of you are in the middle of a spat, force yourself to do something nice for him — say, get him a cup of coffee, hand him his glasses or even motion toward a chair for him to sit in, says Michele Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce-Busting. These little icebreakers have tremendous psychological impact. Sondra Hays, 31, of Bloomington, IL, says when she and her husband are heading toward a confrontation, "I say, 'I love you, and I truly do not want to fight with you.' We end up in massive fights over such stupid things, and that brings us back to what's important."

2. Ask yourself: Is this really fight-worthy?
If you fly off the handle over every little infraction (dishes in the sink, giving the kids snacks before dinner), your partner will tune you out on the big stuff. Terry Lake, 35, of Rochester, PA, decided that eight years of nagging his wife about her lack of tidiness was enough: "I realized it's not something we will ever solve, so if I want the bathroom clean I can do it myself."

3. Agree to call a time-out.
Sometimes just getting away from each other for a minute or two can stop a fight. Pat Enderson, 31, of Maple Grove, MN, finds herself bickering with her husband when she's stressed out or tired. "Either my husband or I will realize it and call a time-out," she says. "Sometimes that means going to another room; sometimes it just means being quiet for a while. Usually the whole thing passes without further comment.

4. Say you're sorry when you're not.
"Most of us are convinced we have to show our 'real' feelings all the time, and that's not true," says Weiner-Davis. "The 'love means never having to say you're sorry' line is some of the biggest baloney ever. Say you're sorry even if you're not 100 percent behind it." You'll be amazed at the impact those words can have on a hostile mate; he's very likely to soften after hearing them, as Scott Tady, 35, of Beaver, PA, can attest: "Usually if my wife or I say 'I'm sorry' during a fight, we start kissing and hugging; the pent-up frustration can eventually lead to some incredible sex."

5. Stop. Think. Write.
Sometimes your argument looks ridiculous once it's on paper. Instead of blurting out what's making you angry, jot it down on a notepad, or even put it in an e-mail (you don't have to send it!). Marriage therapist Lisa Stromeier of Columbus, OH, says this strategy serves another important function: It gives you time to cool off.

6. Barter with everything!
Cindy Moss, 39, of Cedar Rapids, IA, has no qualms about using sex as a bargaining tool. "When one of us wants the other to do something he or she doesn't want to do, we'll avoid fighting by saying something like, "If you go with me to visit my great-aunt in the nursing home, I'll owe you big," meaning a sexual favor. Those words totally defuse arguments because they ease the tension. Also, it makes us both happier doing what we don't want to when there's such a fun reward."

7. Act like an idiot.
For Nancy Roman, 35, of Linden, NJ, arguments often end in laughter. "At the beginning of our marriage, whenever we argued, my husband left the house to cool off and I sat and stewed," she says. "In recent years he has started making these silly faces in the middle of an argument and sticking his tongue out at me. I totally lose it and start laughing — thus the argument ends!" Likewise, 27-year-old Angela Barr of Beaufort, SC, raises her fists in a mock sparring gesture and says, "Wanna fight? Come on, let's fight" when she and her husband start quarreling. Then they laugh and the moment passes. "Lately we both break the tension by 'begging' to fight with each other," she says. "Sometimes our teasing will turn into a wrestling/tickling match that ends with both of us in giggles."

One caveat: Don't overdo it, says New York psychotherapist Gilda Carle. Humor is "relationship glue," but being snide or shooting barbs at your husband won't help. And never poke fun about sensitive issues, such as weight or sex problems. "You can't laugh about what's really bothering your partner, or he'll feel he's not being taken seriously," says Carle.

8. Phone it in.
Many men respond better to a voice over the telephone than to a steaming woman in front of them, says Carle. She once settled a long argument with her husband simply by calling him on the second line — the two were in the same house but in separate rooms — and hashed it out over the phone. You can do the same thing with a cell phone; neither of you sees any rolling eyes or other physical signals that can add fuel to the fire.

9. Take turns having fun.
When Denise Mussman, 35, of St. Louis, headed out to a Cardinals game with her husband and her 3-year-old daughter, she says "My husband was crabby, he didn't want to go, and my first impulse was to say, 'Why did you agree to come?'" When Mussman realized that her husband was going to the game to please her, she backed off. "I told him that afterward we would do whatever he wanted to do. He was like a little kid — his mood changed immediately. We had a good time at the game, then came home and had a barbecue."

10. Use the code.
Peggy Elder, 46, of Brooklyn says she and her husband constantly bickered after a stressful move across the country. "We moved because of my job, so every time he complained I'd feel guilty and say something snappish. Finally we decided that any time one of us wanted to complain we'd say, 'This isn't a complaint, just an observation.' It was code for 'You don't need to respond to this; it's not personal — just listen.'"

11. Mind your manners.
We sometimes treat the people closest to us with less respect than we do the cashier at the supermarket. Check the biting sarcasm at the door, listen with respect to what your mate has to say, and don't interrupt when he's talking: You'll be amazed at how many would-be fights simply fizzle out.

12. Pull out the Palm Pilot.
Busy couples often feel as if they have no time to hash things out during the week — and that pressure can make fights escalate quickly. Scheduling time to talk — say, on Saturday mornings while the kids are still asleep or glued to cartoons — about potentially heated issues can fend off stressful confrontations during the week. (You don't have to be formal about it; just say, "Sounds like a Saturday discussion" and drop it for the moment.) My husband and I use long car rides (with the kids snoozing in the back) for this purpose. If you aren't the type who plans every minute of your week, at least ask, "Is this a good time to talk?" before launching into a discussion, suggests author Weiner-Davis.

13. Know when to quit.
Don't look for closure in the middle of the argument by hounding your mate to validate your point, says Weiner-Davis. If he gives in, even grudgingly, back off and let him save face. Sometimes an argument goes on simply because one person refuses to let it end. John Schofield, 40, of Chippewa, PA, uses this simple reminder: "I think of that old song 'The Gambler' by Kenny Rogers — the one that goes, 'You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em; know when to walk away, know when to run.'"

14. Think happy thoughts.
Try to remind yourself of why the two of you are together in the first place, using a specific image. "When I'm mad at my husband, I take a deep breath and make myself recall that magic moment when we first met, or how caring he is when I'm sick, or what great sex we had last night," says Kate Scott, 28, of Houston, TX.

15. Call on a higher power.
No matter what your religious faith, prayer can be a powerful force. Not long ago, 40-year-old Sue Lewis of Grand Rapid, was driving to a weekend marriage retreat with her husband. "I was suffering from PMS, I was cranky, and we started fighting about money," she says. In the middle of the argument, the same thought struck her and her husband: "We were on our way to a church retreat to improve our marriage, and here we were, bickering. So we talked about the fact that we had invited God into our marriage and that we should call on him during the tough times. We prayed as we drove; it was amazing how smoothly the rest of the weekend went."

16. Ask yourself: "Would I rather be right — or be happy?"
Quell the urge to prove yourself right every time, even if you are the most blameless woman on the planet. "You can be right and miserable for the rest of your life," says Weiner-Davis. "You need to move beyond that sticking point."

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