And if you have five seconds to spare, I'll tell you the story of my life...

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

See end of article for my thoughts....

I stumbled across this "gem" today on msn. I can't believe this kind of horseshit is still being offered up as "sensible advice" for unmarried people. While some of it is just everyday common sense stuff that I'll readily agree with--yes, changing your sheets regularly is good, and it's nice for everyone if we keep the amount of time spent in the shower to under 45 minutes (water conservation, anyone?) some of these other "relationship-defying quirks" (ugh) that this Bob Strauss asshat has helpfully tagged for us single folk like "aimless whistling" (!) don't even make sense. I think the adjective he was grasping for here was "incessant", but what do I know? Anyway, read this if you think you have the stomach for it, and I'll be back later when I have more time to organize a worthy response. In the meantime, feel free to post your comments. I'm hoping that I'm not the only one who finds this article inane and offensive.

7 habits you need to breakBy Bob Strauss

If you've been living alone for the past few years, odds are you've developed some habits that just might (to phrase it politely) strike the new guy or gal in your life as somewhat strange. Changing deeply entrenched behavior takes time and effort, so even if you're convinced the polar ice caps will melt before you meet someone, fall in love, get married and move in together, you might want to start the process by identifying these relationship-defying quirks:

45-minute showers:There's nothing like steaming up the entire bathroom on a chilly spring morning-except, that is, when there's someone outside waiting to do his or her business. If you're a guy, you can kiss these ablutionary marathons goodbye — and if you're a gal, well, you'll have to cut them back to half an hour, tops.Spoiled pets:Strict disciplinarian that you are, you're perfectly fine with Bonkers the dog snarfing your Wheaties in the morning, and it's just so cute when Cleavis the cat curls up in the kitchen sink for a nap. Even if he's a pet lover, your boyfriend will be horrified. Show the beasts who's boss — if nothing else, it'll be good practice for your love life."Casual Sunday"Dragging yourself out of bed at 2 PM, trudging around the house all afternoon in your bathrobe, brushing your teeth over the six o'clock news and only taking a shower after dinner — unless your new beau is as laid-back (read: as big a slob) as you are, all that will soon be as extinct as the dust bunnies under your bed.All TV, all the time:When you've been alone for a while, the TV can seem almost like a live-in companion — you may not even notice its intrusive blare 24 hours a day. Your real live-in companion, however, is likely to take heed. Be sure to turn the tube off occasionally, lest he put an axe through it first.Pretzels in bed:As long as no one's watching, that queen-size mattress might as well be an enormous dinner table (guys are especially partial to this habit — it has something to do with getting yelled at by mom). Keep it to the kitchen, thank you, and while we're on the subject, try to clean your sheets once every few months, too.Aimless whistling:This is an especially insidious habit, because most itinerant whistlers aren't even aware what they're doing — until, that is, they notice the people around them desperately trying to claw open windows and jump out. On the other hand, if your new squeeze is an incorrigible hummer, the two of you just might be made for each other.Lack of silverware:This one's especially for the men — After a certain age, a guy resigns himself to the fact that he doesn't need full dining-room service for four — one or two plates, an enormous bowl, and a knife and spork will do just fine (as well as make washing dishes a less onerous task). If you suspect a romance is in your future, invest in table settings for at least two. And if you think it'll be a really serious romance, go crazy and buy three or four.

Gee, good thing there are people out there like Bob Strauss to explain to me why I can't "catch a man." I especially like how he makes sure to put everything in the socially acceptable order, "before you meet someone, fall in love, get married and move in together," like that's the way it's always done. Maybe I'm just being needlessly nitpicky (no!), but how old is this Bob Strauss anyway? Has he been "out there" in the trenches since the Depression? Because I take umbrage with a 75-year-old freelance writer dispensing dating advice to us young whippersnappers. Seems sort of like a nun who wants to teach you how to give better handjobs. Even if this dude is some kind of "expert," I'd question the validity of anyone who claims to be an expert on dating and relationships, no matter what their credentials are. Trust me, when it comes to relationships--nobody has a fucking clue. Not women, not men, not even Dr. Phil and Oprah. That goes for both gay and hetero pairings, conventional marriages, one-night stands, cybersex partners, cellmates, anonymous encounters through a hole in the wall--everything. Whether or not you end up finding "the right one" for any of the aforementioned scenarios is a matter of dumb, random luck and how much you're willing to raise or lower your standards. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Also, his use of the word "hummer." Nothing really to add to that, just thought I'd point it out.

I'm from Indiana, which is one of two or three states (I think Arizona and Hawaii are the others) that don't observe Daylight Savings Time. We never have to change the clocks in Indiana. While everyone else is falling back or springing forward, Indiana doesn't have to do shit. I never appreciated this when I lived in Indiana. I always thought, as many others seem to, that it was another symptom of our great state being out of touch with the rest of the country.

Now that I live in Minnesota, however, I'm finding that I couldn't have been more wrong about the whole Daylight Savings thing. It's a big pile of horseshit, and it really sucks this time of year when we have to lose an hour and get up earlier and everything is fucked (I'm not a morning person, obviously) and half the clocks at work have the new "correct" time and the other clocks in the building never get reset, which somhow seems to make my workday even longer. And I don't understand the people that are in support of Daylight Savings, who say "but you get a whole extra hour of daylight in the evenings!" which is dumb too, because by the summer time the days are longer anyway, so who gives a crap? See? Stoopid.

And also--contrary to popular belief about Daylight Savings Time benefitting the farmers or the field workers or the cows (or whatever crap people have been fed over the years)--the "real" reason Daylight Savings Time is observed is because of golfers. At least, that's what Anna says, and she read this in the Wall Street Journal, which she swears by. I do have some doubts about this theory, but I kind of want the golfing thing to be true because it would support my new stance on Daylight Savings Time, which is that it's a great big load of horseshit. And if golfing--a bullshit sport if there ever was one (except for mini golf. Mini golf rules!)--is behind this whole worthless time change thing than I propose that every non-golfer in every state (Indiana, Arizona and Hawaii notwithstanding) make up our own damn rules and set the clocks for whatever time we damn well feel like.

That would mean I wouldn't be at work til around 11 every morning, which would be awesome.