Sunday, June 03, 2007

and food?

There's that food thing. My lifelong addiction craving insane bingeing purging starving over-exercising just giving up and giving in eat everything in sight take pills and don't eat dance all night and drink and fuck around a lot so I don't have to eat eating thing.

That food thing is just fine. It seems impossible. It is peaceful beyond anything I could have hoped for. There's no obsession to get on a diet, no punishment. I'm not hunting down the next insanely restrictive plan to follow. Just working out at the gym regularly, walking every day, eating only when I'm hungry, quitting when I'm full and I haven't gained any weight and am slowly losing a pound or two here and there.

The thing that is so fine and magnificent I really can't even put it into words is that I am at peace. Whole days go by that I don't even think about eating except when I'm hungry. If I eat a cupcake, it doesn't trigger a binge because the cupcake's not a relapse and there's no diet to start in the morning. Peace. Sanity. It's unlike anything I've ever experienced with food and very much like the relief I found in AA with alcohol. I am so grateful.

I put my scale back into the garage. Too depressed to look at it daily. My weight loss goal is 20 pounds, and now, it seems like such a small amount to stress over and not worth it. After my divorce, when I was financially stable again I ate A LOT, because I could finally AFFORD it. And I would think to myself, omg, I have to have fried shrimp - because what if I can't afford it again!?!? So I would always order seafood fried... and big portions. Now I have to go back to the thinking, yes, I can afford it and I can have it any time I want so really I don't need to order it because it will always be available. It's taken me almost a year to re-train my brain. I also slow down when I eat (I think Big Ass Belle mentioned this) and SAVOR the food. And I am holding steady regarding my weight. Which I am perfectly happy with!