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We’ve Lost Them: Lessons from Week 4

It was around the second quarter when the hemorrhaging really started picking up. At the half, Miami had scored an unanswered 49 points. Savannah State had seen this before. After all, they are a cat with nine lives that keeps getting paid to get run over by people that don’t like felines. The bleeding only continued into the third quarter with the carnage getting worse as time ticked away. In the end, a mangled, battered, and beaten football team was before the savage masses within Sun Life Stadium. The primal fringe of the Miami fan base stayed to watch as the Tigers received the ten count and then whisked away to seek medical attention. But it was too late – the Hurricanes had done their damage. “Dammit,” a doctor in a nearby Miami hospital screamed. “We’ve lost them!”

The pummeling of Savannah State for the third straight year in a row by an FBS team (they’ve lost by a combined score of 216-7 for three years) was pretty much a microcosm for this weekend, in general. It was also a reminder that programs who schedule teams like Savannah State are pretty much sadists. So, what else did we learn in a week whose one highlight included Michigan almost losing to a perceived lesser opponent? Quite a bit, actually.

We learned that the Shock the World tour is still in effect, y’all. The Raleigh leg was a little dicey with some bad officiating putting the Tigers over the edge but it’s whatevs. This tour is still a rockin’ and a rollin’. Tajh is still gettin’ the ball in the endzone and Martavis Bryant is just runnin’ ’round the field like a mad man. The bus keeps on truckin’ and it ain’t gon’ stop ’til it gets to Pasadena. Also, Clemson isn’t gonna suffer any body painted fools in Raleigh.

While the Clemson win was more ugly than the box score suggests, it wasn’t the only game that was offensive to the eye sight. There was Michigan State – Notre Dame which was more boring than your grandfather telling you why the inflation rates in the early 1960s led to a slight economic downturn during the Kennedy years. Then, there was the Colorado State v. Alabama game where the Tide struggled to score an offensive touchdown against COLORADO STATE. North Texas kept it frighteningly close with Georgia until the end of the 4th quarter when the Dawgs finally realized that the Mean Green we’re keeping up with them. Northwestern fell asleep at the wheel against Maine, corrected themselves once they realized that they were driving by Braille, and walked away with a win.

The ugliest wins were complemented by blow outs from Ohio State, Baylor, Louisville, Florida State, UCLA, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, and Miami, all of whom ravaged lesser programs as if their Top 25 ranking depended on it. Who could blame them though? Especially with Michigan’s stock drastically falling with each underwhelming performance after another.

The Wolverines have experienced the most volatility within the AP poll after rising to No. 11 with their win against Notre Dame then dropping to No. 14 after their near loss to Akron and dropping another three positions after their haphazard trip to Hartford. Michigan no longer looks like the same incredible offense that the nation saw take down a formidable top 25 opponent. The interior offensive line has revealed the fact, that yes, they are very inexperienced. Devin Gardner and Jeremy Gallon magic isn’t coming at the of drop a hat it seems. They have had to work during these last two match ups. If there is no swift turn around, Michigan can find itself out of the Legends division race with Northwestern as the heavy favorite.

Speaking of divisional favorites – how about Florida? This season I cannot stop singing the praises of the Gators’ defense. They are vicious, cold, and the absolute best in the SEC. Florida’s problem is that their offense refuses to do anything consistently. Enter Tyler Murphy. Murphy was able to effectively manage the game after Jeff Driskel broke his leg in the first quarter. Murphy threw for 134 yards and a touchdown as well as amassing 84 yards on the ground to help Florida beat Tennessee 31-17. With Driskel out for the season, Murphy has run into a spot where he is now this offense’s traffic director. He seemed confident and able in the rivalry game against the Vols. It seems that Will Muschamp has a good, serviceable backup that can probably, maybe lead Florida to a divisional championship. They have the defense to do it but offensively, the verdict is still out in a Florida courtroom that fails to effectively do anything right because SUNSHINE STATE LAWS.

If you like your offense a little bit more capable in the SEC, you’d be shocked to learn that Cam Cameron is still running the Bayou Bengals’ offense correctly. LSU handled Auburn gracefully with Jeremy Hill running for an absurd 184 yards and three touchdowns. Zach Mettenberger showed some signs of the old Z-Mett with an interception at the end of the half. But all around he performed well, completing 14 of 22 passes for 229 yards. The win over Auburn sets up a great stage for the Tigers to roll into Athens where they will face the Bulldogs for what could be a barometer of where LSU actually is.

Overall, this weekend was probably the mworst of the young 2013 season. The only match up that provided the most intrigue was No. 25 Arizona State v. No. 5 Stanford which proved to be less fruitless than it actually than the marquee suggested as David Shaw most likely pumped an unearthly amount of static into Todd Graham’s concert ready head set.

IN OTHER NEWS: Wisconsin rolled over Purdue in West Lafayette. USC beat a feisty Utah State team by three points and resulted in Lane Kiffin raising his arms in victory.
Texas beat Kansas State which doesn’t mean anything because Kansas State isn’t great and Texas is still Texas. Maryland routed West Virginia by 37 points, making their date with Clemson’s fireworks show the most anticipated date on the ACC calendar (barring any unforeseen CLEMSONING CLEMSONING CLEMSONING). Rutgers beat Arkansas and yeah, that’s karma. Utah beat BYU in the Holy War where once revered Mormon Michael Vick, Taysom Hill, completed just 18 of 48 passes.

WHILE YOU WERE BEING A SPORTS SHUT-IN: The YEEZUS tour has added some dates. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are America’s everything. Paula Deen still sucks. Drake is slowly becoming the nucleus of pop music, I guess. Mad Men is being broken up into two seasons so fuck AMC. You
should really listen to CHVRCHES. And Rembert’s exploration of America has come to a close.