Reactions To The Election in My Shitty Little World

From my retro hippie 55 year old neighbor the morning after the election: “I’m literally crying.” She was planning to make mourning armbands this past weekend and asked me what color I wanted. I told her black of course.

From my sister and brother-in-law who live on Long Island and are staunch Republicans when I asked them if they had sex all night to celebrate their man’s victory: “No, but we opened that 3 for 10 bucks bottle of wine we bought at Walmart that we had been saving for a special occasion.”

From one of my favorite gym buddies who is perpetually high since he grows grass in his backyard Wednesday morning at Crunch: “Don’t talk to me about the election, can’t you see I wearing three mourning veils?”

From George, my ex, living up in PA at a home I still pay half the mortgage on, and who never voted in all the years I’ve known him including this election, “That’s my man.” Wonder why we split?

To one of my fuck buddies who kept texting me Friday night about the political situation until he finally asked, “So what are you doing?” My response: “About fucken time you asked me. Now get that hot butt of yours in your truck and get over here.” Twenty minutes later he was in my bedroom and we grieved Hil’s loss by him wearing a new harness I had just ordered from Fort Troff, the one where all your junk hangs out of a cock ring that hooks to the harness. Very, very, very hot.

And finally from one of my adorable meth head buddies Saturday night at the Ramrod, Lauderdale’s leather bar: