Penn Satire, Since 1899

Punch Bowl Dating Guide

by Walker Hawkins

Every once and a while, everyone needs some sort of dating advice, something they should not be embarrassed about in the least. The fact is I too needed advice about the opposite sex at a younger age, before I developed into the stunningly handsome man I am today (6’9”, flowing black hair, red soul patch, numerous sexy, surgical scars). Unfortunately, finding good advice about the opposite sex isn’t necessarily easy in this day and age. Your parents had the right idea when they told you what to do for your first date, but isn’t their advice a little old? When they were your age, it was cool to burn your bras and not go to school and have promiscuous, unprotected sex…maybe you should listen to your parents…Anyways, that’s neither here nor there. Punch Bowl has gone to all of the experts, namely college males ages 18 – 22, and found the proper re-inventions of multiple classic date scenarios for the 21st century.

Dinner in a Movie:
So, you’ve probably heard of the classic “Dinner and a Movie” date that has been so popular for years. However, in this day and age of Facebook stalking and semi-expensive sea food dinners, people just don’t have the time or money for dinner and a movie to be two separate endeavors. For this reason, Punch Bowl suggests the dinner in a movie date. The rule of thumb for this date is that the meal purchased cannot exceed the cost of one movie ticket. Therefore, while catching the matinee of a movie may seem like the best idea for saving money, it’ll probably leave you incredibly hungry and severely agitated. Your best option is going to be fast food, but at least try to be classy about it…and by classy I mean you should order whatever you want and then order the kids meal for her; it’ll make her feel protected. Now once you’ve purchased your dinner, the next key step is sneaking it into the movie. This can be done numerous ways, but the classic “My Girlfriend’s Pregnant” and “Yes, My Pants Are Always This Baggy” seem to be the best options. Once inside the movie, sit back, relax and enjoy and intimate date with your significant other. NOTE: Do not, I repeat, do not try the reach around with greasy, French fry hands; it never works out the way you think it should.

Inner City Date:
If you’ve ever watched an episode of Seinfeld, you know the heartache of trying to take your significant other on a weekend date outside of the city. Unfortunately for Jerry, I mean everyone, this always seems to end horribly. This is why the Inner City Date is much more acceptable in this day and age. Pick your favorite picnic foods and then drive into the worst neighborhood you can find in your city. Enjoy the sights and sounds of life and try to piece together how that crime scene actually came about. The only warning I can give is: stay in your car at all times. Punch Bowl does not take responsibility for those who leave their automobile during the date. If you see something going down, just drive away as quickly as possible. Don’t hang around, as chances are, you’re next.

Brunch Date:
Everyone has heard of the less aggressive, and some-what lamer, Lunch Date that takes a lot of pressure off of both participants. However, lunch dates can become problematic, especially since you have no reason to invite him or her back to your place at one in the afternoon (“I was wondering if you could help me move some furniture?”). Now, all of your problems are solved with the Brunch Date…well some of your problems are solved. Still, it will be incredibly awkward trying to lure him or her to wherever you want the date to go, but we can guarantee you it will be cheaper. The great thing about brunch is that it’s usually served with class (buffet style) and Punch Bowl loves classy dates (buffet style).

Date My Dad:
Although not a classic dating scenario unless you’re from the southern United States, you’ve probably heard of the popular MTV show Date My Mom. While the concept of the show is nice, it isn’t realistic, as you have your mother, in most cases, judging other women. But, everyone knows that mothers judge girls from their sons harshly and don’t pay attention to the attributes for which men are really looking (e.g.: beautiful eyes in which you can see the rest of your life, a personality so perfect you didn’t even think it existed and the ability to unwrap a Starburst in her mouth). This is why we suggest the Date My Dad approach. Here, the father picks potential suitors for his son and really gets down to what he thinks his son would want to know. Not only is this date more realistic but it also allows for some father-son bonding experience. Beware: there is a 73% chance that this date will end in “Dad, what the fuck are you doing?”