Knowing and Not Knowing in Intimate Relationships

In the extensive literature on couples and intimacy, little has been written about knowing and not knowing as people experience
and understand them. Based on intensive interviews with 37 adults, this book shows that knowing and not knowing are central
to couple relationships. They are entangled in love, sexual attraction, trust, commitment, caring, empathy, decision-making,
conflict, and many other aspects of couple life. Often, the entanglement is paradoxical. For example, many interviewees revealed
that they hungered to be known and yet kept secrets from their partner. Many described working hard at knowing their partner
well, and yet there were also things about their partner and their partner's past that they wanted not to know. This book's
qualitative, phenomenological approach builds on, and adds to the largely quantitative social psychological, communications
and family field literature to offer a new and accessible insight into the experience of intimacy.

Paul C. Rosenblatt is Professor Emeritus at the University of Minnesota.

Elizabeth Wieling is Associate Professor in the Department of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota.

Knowing and Not Knowing in Intimate Relationships

Paul C. Rosenblatt and Elizabeth Wieling

University Printing House, Cambridge cb2 8bs, United Kingdom

Published in the United States of America by Cambridge University Press, New York

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highest international levels of excellence.

www.cambridge.orgInformation on this title: www.cambridge.org/9781107041325

Paul C. Rosenblatt and Elizabeth Wieling 2013

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reproduction of any part may take place without the written permission of Cambridge University Press.

First published2013

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Contents

Acknowledgments

viii

1 Knowing and not knowing are central to intimacy

1

What are knowing and not knowing in intimate relationships?

2

Why intimate knowing and not knowing are so important

6

Knowing the other well does not guarantee an easy relationship

9

Trust as foundation for knowing

9

The cultural context of this work

12

How we did the research

14

2 How couples build knowledge of one another

29

Trying to know the other

29

Getting to know one another at the start of the relationship

30

Practical reasons for knowing and being known in ongoing couples

39

Knowing and being known as intimacy

42

Curiosity, being nosy, prying, snooping

43

Wanting to be known

46

Truth as a value

48

Spending considerable time together

50

Confrontation

51

Being able to see behind the façade

52

Feeling safe

53

Good listening

54

Getting to higher levels of knowing and being known

55

Conclusion

57

3 How well do you know each other? about 90%

58

Not much is held back

58

The 10% that is not known

59

Experts on each other

61

Doubts and limits in knowing

63

How do you know how well you know the other?

67

Conclusion

73

4 Concerns about the other's potential reaction to something not yet revealed

74

Concerns when the relationship is relatively new

76

Concerns with partner knowing about one's past relationships

77

Concerns about money

81

Concerns about the other's reactions to one's health issues

82

Concerns about disagreeing

83

Concerns about the other's reactions to one's failures

84

Concerns about the other's reaction to one's emotional pain

85

Concerns about hurting the partner's feelings

88

Concerns about the partner having contact with one's family

89

Concerns about causing family (not just couple) conflict

90

Overcoming concerns about the partner knowing something

90

Making sense of people's concerns about disclosing to a partner

91

5 What people cannot or would rather not know

93

There is too much to know

93

Curiosity limits

94

Inability to grasp partner realities

96

Not always wanting to know the truth

100

Information exchange when a relationship is not doing well

102

Conclusion

104

6 Processes in being a judicious nondiscloser

106

“Need to know” decision process

106

Selectivity processes

110

Following cultural rules about what to tell and not tell

115

Summary

117

7 Discovery of lies and secrets

118

Discovery processes

119

After discovery of a big secret or lie, then what?

123

Big lies and secrets that are not discovered may also have costs

127

Good lies and secrets

128

Is the truth as clear as it seems in many of the interviews?

131

8 Gender differences in intimate knowing

133

Women conceptualizing men

133

The intimacy dance

139

Do women know men better than men know women or themselves?

141

He's okay

143

Making sense of the apparent gender differences

146

9 Family of origin

152

Openness versus closedness in family of origin

153

But it's not that simple

156

Family of origin abuse may show up in the couple relationship

158

Conclusion

160

10 Is it good to know and be known extremely well?

161

Sometimes knowing and being known too well might be a problem

161

Often knowing and being known well seems valuable

165

Interviewees generally vote for knowing and being known well

170

For people who want advice about their own intimate relationship

171

11 Phenomenology of knowing and not knowing, being known and not known

173

What a phenomenological approach adds

173

Essence of lived experience concerning knowing and not knowing

173

Nature of knowing and not knowing, being known and not known

176

Knowing, not knowing, and relationship quality

179

A systems view of knowing and not knowing

179

Knowing, not knowing, and relationship survival

181

Knowing and not knowing are linked to other aspects of intimacy

183

Knowing, not knowing, and culture

183

Appendix – Interview guide

185

References

189

Index

196

Acknowledgments

During our work on this project many people provided stimulating anecdotes, theoretical perspectives, suggestions about related
scholarly literature, interest, and encouragement. In fact there were so many people who did that that we hesitate to list
those who we can remember, because we know there are others equally deserving of acknowledgment who we cannot remember. However,
we do want to give a special thanks to Peter Rober for stimulating and helpful comments. We also want to thank four people
who at the time were students and who volunteered to transcribe some of our interviews, Linda Freeman, Erica Kanewischer,
Samantha Zaid, and Stacey Lillebo. Most of all we thank the 37 study participants who shared many of their most intimate thoughts
and experiences with us.