The Front Line for the Awesomeness Offensive

Zumba Brothel

KENNEBUNK, Maine — This upscale southern Maine town is known for its ocean beaches, old sea captains’ mansions and the neighboring town of Kennebunkport, home to the Bush family summer compound.

But the talk of the town these days is the arrest of a local fitness instructor who’s been charged with running a prostitution business out of her Zumba dance studio and secretly videotaping her encounters. Now the town is on the edge of its seat, waiting for the revelation of which of their friends and neighbors are among her more than 100 alleged johns.

At first I thought that this was genius….a fitness studio has high traffic in and out….why not?? But then I started thinking….who comes in and out of a Zumba studio?? Chicks and Gay dudes. That is it. I bet the way they got caught was the unbelievable amount of straight dudes “coming” and going. Dead fuckin giveaway.

Not only did these hooker pushers spoil Zumba’s good name….they video taped this shit. That means that there is a possibility of over 100 men in the neighborhood that are about to get fucked over real bad. I mean, if a guy’s wife isn’t giving him the vajeej at home….then I feel he has every right to go get some ass somewhere else. You can spew that bullshit about for better or worse….blah blah blah…..but if you buy a cow….and it doesn’t give you the milk you need…..you go get milk from another cow until the original cow starts putting out. That is just life. You don’t love the first cow any less….you just need your milk….and you get said milk where it is flowing….at muthafuckin Zumba class.

I can’t believe they are considering releasing these tapes. Think of it from an economical stand point….this town will go down in flames if they release these tapes. I am sure that this little bumfuck town doesn’t have much going for it in the first place….I mean Maine has lobsters and trees….and that is about it. The release of these tapes would cause a backlash that would turn this town into dust.

First…they would identify the 100 men that were involved. Let’s say that 75 are married and the other 25 are just such fuckin mutants that they had no other choice but to get a hooker. These 75 guys are losing everything. The house, the boat, the car….and now they are working to pay alimony and child support. The women will most likely take the kids and move away. So now there is 75 broken men living in a town of maybe 1000 people. That is almost 10% of the population that is about to cut spending drastically. Goodbye Kennebunkport, Maine.

Example: Jim Smith heard about the “Zumba” class from his employees at the hardware store. Jane hasn’t let him into those granny panties in a couple of years. He is starting to think there is no hope. Jim is a good guy…he needs a release more than once every 4 years. Jim goes to “Zumba”…..Jim is happy. “Zumba” gets busted. District Attorneys release Jim’s name on list of “Zumba” johns. Jane leaves Jim. Jane takes half his shit. Jane takes the kids and goes to live at her mother’s in Vermont. Jim now has to try to keep his business afloat while paying alimony and child support. 75 other guys just so happen to simultaneously stop shopping in Jim’s store due to similar financial situations. Jim loses his business….and his sanity…..Jim jumps off a bridge. Now two kids have to grow up without any dad….instead of just having a cheating one.

This all could have been avoided by one thing…..Jane taking the stick out of her ass….and putting Jim’s stick in her ass. That is her job. He works….pays the bills…..Jane needs to keep up her end of the bargain and get his junk wet a couple times a week. She could have just DVR’ed that last episode of “Love and Hip Hop”….and given Jim 20 minutes of her time. All of this could have been avoided.

Now imagine this happening to 10% of the population….this town would be wiped off of the map completely. The men that still had wives and businesses would probably leave the town due to lack of financial stability within the other residents and just downright shitty morale.

Moral of the story is…..if the wives in this town just gave it up like they are supposed to….none of this would have ever happened….just sayin. Oh yea…..and fuck Zumba.