Because I have always been let down, hurt or abused by those
closest to me

Of course, my children are an exception, I love them dearly

If I allow someone in, I am giving them an open invitation
to let me down, hurt me or leave me,
that is how I view people around me, always as the enemy

Hurt and abuse are all I have known, it’s difficult to accept
there are genuine people out there who care for you.

My nan was the only adult in my life always to be there, yet
she died, she left me and I’m not sure I ever recovered from that. Something
changed that day, perhaps that was the trigger to all that followed later, I
will never know.

“We Build Walls
around Our Hearts to See Who Cares Enough To Knock Them Down”

I have built walls as a safety net, I can’t see them and I
have to remind myself that I am working at taking that wall down, brick by
brick

I surround myself with an invisible force which forbids
connections getting through, if I don’t love someone then they don’t matter to
me and therefore cannot hurt me, was the logic behind it

Of course, it’s difficult for my husband to have to deal
with me, while I push him away; thankfully he sees something in me that I
don’t. But he cares enough to try to break through that wall and he has proven
time and time again, he is doing it for one reason and that’s because he loves
me.

It’s taken me years to finally accept his motive, it been
just as much an emotional roller-coaster to try to make him understand why
there are days I push him further away.

Being bipolar has been a testing time for my husband, family, and friends, while some have more or less disowned me, others prefer to take a less in your face approach and just pretend not to see me when they do. Not many stood by me.

Unwanted by the circle of friends who once would have spent
time talking to me

And so I began to build
a wall around my heart to stop it from being broken again and again but
in the process of doing this to protect myself, I was pushing those who were
worthy of being close to me aside

It’s difficult to break down a wall once it’s built, but I
am trying

I have learned to forgive those who have hurt, left me or
abused me. I had to forgive in order to move on. I forgave them for my own
benefit.

I accept not everyone out there will hurt me, or mean too

Building walls protect us, offers us safety BUT it can also make us bitter and lonely.