The Infj Dating Bible

Taken from:http://modalitiesofexistence.wordpress.com/2011/05/24/infj-dating-bible-or-how-to-date-an-infj/

INFJs are, by definition, rare, reserved, and unlikely to initiate anything, which means that many of them can end up alone and misunderstood. To help with things, I’ve compiled a list of points which I think would be of great use to anyone considering dating someone who identifies as an INFJ.

■For most INFJs, omitting or distorting information is equivalent to lying, and at the very least will rouse their suspicion. INFJs have an acute sensitivity for stories which don’t quite fit. At the same time, INFJs also like to assume the best and can be extremely gullible.

■INFJs have an extremely complex internal value system. An INFJ will see if you ‘fit’ into their world, and they’ll bend their own rules if they really like you. INFJs tend to have very high standards, but are also very accepting once they trust you and know you’re safe.

■INFJs can be pretty intense emotionally. This isn’t to say that they can get into a heated argument, in fact INFJs avoid conflict, however they are easily hurt and feel very deeply. It’s not uncommon for INFJs to cry if they feel something very deeply.

■INFJs are weird / odd / strange / extremely rare and they very much know it. They yearn to be understood and want to be accepted as they are (as most people do, of course). An INFJ is incredibly complex, so complex they confuse even themselves. They almost always feel misunderstood and ‘hidden’. They will be offended if you pass them off as ‘simple’ or ‘average’. Getting to know an INFJ takes work, so be prepared for that. A lot of gentle enquiry is required.

■INFJs can often mimic other types.

■INFJs are typically better in writing than in verbal communication. If you want to know an INFJ’s true feelings, ask them to write out what they think and feel.

■INFJs don’t typically engage in casual relationships. Most of them will become too attached for it to be possible. If your intentions aren’t serious then you should probably steer clear of an INFJ unless it’s very obvious beforehand that they aren’t interested in a serious relationship.

■An INFJ’s allegiance is no trifle. If an INFJ wants to stick by you, it means they really like you. Do not violate that gift.

■INFJs consciously choose the people that are close to them. They would rather have a few very close friendships as opposed to numerous superficial ones.

■They open up at a dinosauric pace. They typically hold themselves back and consider that behaviour to be part of their nature. They’ve been described as having ‘layers’ which only a select few people are privy to, the closer the layer to their heart, the fewer people are granted access. Do not expect to find yourself in the ‘top tier’ overnight. It often takes months or years to access the deepest recesses.

■INFJs, like other idealists, love harmony. While an INFJ is relatively adept at conflict resolution, they do not appreciate the unneeded creation of conflict. An INFJ will strive for harmony.

■The ‘N’ combined with the ‘J’ in INFJ means that they are future oriented. Do everything you can to make yourself seem like a long-term option. If you become destructively impulsive, an INFJ will lose the ability to see you as a long-term mate, and will become unhappy as a result. INFJs are future-oriented and have powerful imaginations and superb insight.

■INFJs are extremely sensitive. Make sure that criticism is handed as lightly as possible and constructively. At the same time, INFJs love to please their partner, and will work on an issue if presented in the right way. When to be blunt with an INFJ: never. Be honest and direct, but there’s a fine line between direct and insensitive.

■INFJs love helping people. If you’re bad at accepting help (yes, accepting help is a skill), then get ready to have problems. To reject an INFJ’s help is to reject their love, and one of the things they hold nearest to their hearts.

■An INFJ’s ability to help people goes hand-in-hand with their ability to destroy people. Their keen knowledge of people’s weaknessess means they can either help you incredibly or destroy you, however the latter is extremely rare and is only reserved for people they believe have done serious harm to them or others.

■They need patience but they give patience in return.

■They’re curious about other people. To their friends, they are very accepting. However, the closer one gets to an INFJ’s heart, the more their standards will apply to the other person, which can sometimes create issues.

■They often have darker periods where they close up. They can become monk-like and reclusive. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you, it just means they need to recharge.

■They can be stubborn once they believe they’re in the right, especially if it has to do with their values.

■INJFs hardly ever initiate anything. They like it when the other person initiates a conversation, contact, etc.

■INFJs need 2 things to thrive: trust and safety. Trusting you is about knowing that you’re ethically and morally upstanding (or at least in accordance with their values), and feeling safe is knowing that you’ll stick by them. INFJs don’t want to open up to people who might disappear overnight. If an INFJ feels they can trust you and feels safe with you, they’ll be very happy. The only added bonus is to tell them how much you appreciate them.

■Their energy drains when around others. They will need time alone to ‘feel like themselves’.

■Your energy will easily affect them. If you seem unstable, etc., it will seep into them and poison them. It has often been said that an INFJ’s partner has to be strong, and this is generally true.

■INFJs live in a world of fantasy. They can have problems consolidating their idealism with the reality of the world.

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This is completely true! Thank you for sharing this. I am an INFJ and I especially agree with the need for time alone to feel like myself! I have tried to explain this to my friends and family with pretty much no success. They are all extrovert types and they just look confused when I get frustrated after being around people too much.

I love this. I took the meyers briggs test a few days ago- where has it been all my life? I am such a shape shifter / energy matcher that it was helpful to read who i actually was, if that makes any sense. I read your post and think, yes, that's me. Why fight it? Quite a relief, actually. Thank you!

Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this. I have just discovered that I am an INFJ and it has really opened my eyes. I have wondered why it has taken me so long to get to know myself and now I know why! This list is completely me. It's comforting to know that there is a reason for the way I am and that there are others like me. Being an INFJ can be an isolated existence.

One night I was watching "Hellraiser" with my brother and at one point he looks and me says "you see that little puzzle? That is you, one day, when someone opens you up, they are going to bring about the end of the world. They will love it, but we will perish." <br />Reading this list I chuckle now because it can ring true especially the last one.<br />"INFJs live in a world of fantasy. They can have problems consolidating their idealism with the reality of the world."<br />If an INFJ ends up with an ENFP it can be quite chaotic because this is a trait they can both overlook and let get out of hand and...yeah.

It's exactly who I am.<br />For example, the part about high standards, if I know I person has cheated on someone or lied about something, I'll probably never overcome it and won't be able to really like that person, not even as a friend (although I treat everyone nicely, even this person).<br />Another example, about the contradictions, my husband complains that if he tells me the truth I might get hurt, but if he tries to hide something, I'll guess and get even more hurt or angry for feeling mislead. You have to learn to be careful with us the same way we are with you ;-)<br />And yes, I can only fall in love with people that are safe and honest.

Yep - it's a good summary - might scare some folks off, though. I've realized for a long time how complex I am, and how difficult it can be to be seriously involved with me. I am very moody, which just exacerbates the problem.

It is hard for me to open up and share complexity of my inner life. I think that people will mostly misunderstood many INFJ and label and put them into categories. It is in human nature to put others into boxes because it is easier for humans to construct simpler cognitive schemas about life rather than complex ones. However, construction of cognitive schemas of world around us has nothing to do with intelligence.

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