Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Five Little Pumpkins

Ollie just left me and I'm not pleased. Matt showed up like a thief in the night to take him away. Rebecca and I knew our time with Ollie was winding down, and so we snuggled with him and said our goodbyes. It felt like he was about to be put down.

Then Matt showed up AND RUINED OUR LIVES.

Ollie freaked the Hell out when Matt walked into the apartment. He was already riled up because we have spent the last several days not letting him have sex with everything in sight. Though he tried. He tried with the furniture, with the floor, even with every single one of our guests.

NOT THAT WE KNOW WHAT THAT IS CATHIE!!!

We felt a little bad not just letting him have a few nights o' fun because he has a scheduled neutering tomorrow. (Please send me as many emails as possible concerning animal cruelty).
But we all agree that Ollie is not ready to be a father so the only responsible thing to do was shame him and try to distract him with his toys until Matt could get home and he could become Matt's problem again.

In all honesty, there was the tiniest relief when Matt showed up. For one, I was getting really sick of having to put on a thousand layers of clothing at the crack of dawn every day so Ollie could go outside and take a giant dump. IN PUBLIC, because he has no shame.

But also, last night Ollie ate a pile of poop in a park and then rolled around in it. The subsequent bath was one of the least fun experiences of either of our lives. And I kind of felt like Ollie owed me one after I washed the poop out of his mouth and hair. But then I thought of all the times my friends have done the same for me and it just sort of seemed like the circle of life.

So we all good.

But I'm still sad and missing my (not-actually-my) puppy. So to fill the sadness chasm, I'm going back and forth between watching the countless videos Rebecca and I recorded of Ollie while he was here and the video I took of my niece last week singing what must be the most adorable rendition of the most adorable song in the history of songs and singing and music and twice up the barrel, once down the side.

Unfortunately, this niece, who has enough sass to power a small country for a year, still hates me. Although we do seem to be making progress. I know this because a couple of weeks ago I asked her if I was her friend and she responded, "NO! You're my uncle." And then she asked me to leave the room so she could play in peace.

You guys. Not only did she speak to me, SHE ACKNOWLEDGED THAT WE'RE RELATED!!!

So I've pretty much been walking on cloud nine since then.

Now watch this. I promise you the part where she says "we don't care" like a grandma will be the best part of your day.

It sometimes has to do with them not getting the nutrients they need from their dog food, so they eat poop to supplement. Dogs are naturally predatory animals that would kill their prey and eat the carcass raw. So that raw meat has enzymes, vitamins and proteins not necessarily in dog food. So...they eat poop, which smells a lot different to them then to us. It's not good for them so you should always stop them, but they do it anyway because they don't know what else to do to get those nutrients.

Well...technically we grow all our food in poop...I mean, soil has worm poop in it, and we often add sheep or cow manure to our soil to enrich it. So the plants get some of their nutrients from poop....which we eat.

My two-year-old sings this all the time. He gets it right about 50% of the time, and every time I try to record it, it happens to be part of the 50% where he mixes up which pumpkin does what thing. I think the best video I have of him doing it has every other pumpkin exclaiming how late it's getting. I may have to share it with the world, because I think his rendition even beats your awesome (if uncle-wise misguided) niece.

I honestly think the reason I love your niece is the fact that she hates you. Who hasn't had a younger relative hate them?? I used to tell my cousin that she would go down the drain when we'd let the water out of the tub. Just me?