Saturday, December 31, 2005

this whole yearis dedicated to my Lord and saviour, Jesus Christ, for giving me all things from family and friends and all experiences that we might just grow even closer to him. Thank you for not giving up on me -)

and know that while everything falls, some things still standwhat can i say? trusting God's timings and God's perfect plans are so difficult when there are temptations all around to get what you want and desire right here and right now. for me, the test comes as to how much i push God away in the vain hope that perhaps if he does not invoke his plan on me, i can have my current desires right here and right now, or that i would have satisfied myself with my own peace. such foolishness! i would rather settle for my second rate plan and peace, than God's wonderous and all-encompassing peace? but its just so difficult when now seems so good, but is God saying later is better?

Thursday, December 29, 2005

strange office attire and haunted atticsoffice space is really claustraphobic.. i'm just typing here as yhworks some magic with the editing program. there's a sharp pain in the side of my neck which i like to imagine is the build up of toxins, and i just want a needle to burst it and release it into the air, and dissipitate into the atmosphere. also, i have very long toenails, and they make me feel as if my left foot is very unbalanced. whta this results in, is an uncomfortable shift in my body weight as it tries to compensate itself, and finally it has made my big toe quite numb. and the toxins are still building up.

Three men are standing in Jimmie's kitchen, each with a mug of coffee. Jules, Vincent and JIMMIE DIMMICK, a young man in his late-20s dressed in a bathrobe.

JULES Goddamn Jimmie, this is some serious gourmet shit. Me an' Vincent woulda been satisfied with freeze-dried Tasters Choice. You spring this gourmet fuckin' shit on us. What flavor is this?

JIMMIE Knock it off, Julie.

JULES What?

JIMMIE I'm not a cobb or corn, so you can stop butterin' me up. I don't need you to tell me how good my coffee is. I'm the one who buys it, I know how fuckin' good it is. When Bonnie goes shoppin;, she buys shit. I buy the gourmet expensive stuff 'cause when I drink it, I wanna taste it. But what's on my mind at this moment isn't the coffee in my kitchen, it's the dead nigger in my garage.

JULES Jimmie --

JIMMIE -- I'm talkin'. Now let me ask you a question, Jules. When you drove in here, did you notice a sign out front that said, "Dead nigger storage?"

Jules starts to "Jimmie" him --

JIMMIE -- answer to question. Did you see a sign out in front of my house that said, "Dead nigger storage?"

JULES (playing along) Naw man, I didn't.

JIMMIE You know why you didn't see that sign? JULES Why?

JIMMIE 'Cause storin' dead niggers ain't my fuckin' business!

Jules starts to "Jimmie" him.

JIMMIE -- I ain't through! Now don't you understand that if Bonnie comes home and finds a dead body in her house, I'm gonna get divorced. No marriage counselor, no trial separation -- fuckin' divorced. And I don't wanna get fuckin' divorced. The last time me an' Bonnie talked about this shit was gonna be the last time me an' Bonnie talked about this shit. Now I wanna help ya out Julie, I really do. But I ain't gonna lose my wife doin' it.

JULES Jimmie --

JIMMIE -- don't fuckin' Jimmie me, man, I can't be Jimmied. There's nothin' you can say that's gonna make me forget I love my wife. Now she's workin' the graveyard shift at the hospital. She'll be comin' home in less than an hour and a half. Make your phone calls, talk to your people, than get the fuck out of my house.

JULES That's all we want. We don't wanna fuck up your shit, We just need to call our people to bring us in.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

nerves of steelnoticing her from across the room, her golden strands seemed to fill the surrounding space. like fireflies they darted around her table, seemingly oblivious to the stares of all those around her, like fireflies they danced and circled around her, painting a beautiful aura of flame and spectacle. as her deep blue knowing eyes examined the table prepared before her, her careful hand light cusped the side of the table as she slid herself into the cold wooden chair. i swear i saw the grains on the chair repsond to her touch, i swear that they reacted in such a way that knows no explaination. but i don't need an explaination, i just want to feel my arms around her waist, i want to guide her step by step through a waltzy two step. as she looks into my confident eyes, i want her to trust in me completely and know where we are headed.. into a future safe where no others can take us, and no others can hurt us. we'd dance through time itself, and find ourselves at the edge of it, and then we'd plunge straight down into the abyss, and still we would be safe. so i muster up everything within me, i go to where she is and there, our eyes meet. and then it burns, how she looks into me, and burns my insides out. i procliam loudly "you are a goddess..!" as just before darkness engulfs my eyes, i see wings covering her face.. slowly as she rises, wings wrap her holy white feet, and finally before i collapse to my knees, i see that with magnificent wings she lifts herself off from gravity. the force of it swirls around my aching ears and she whispers strongly throughout my being..

mismatching details such that they leave you hangingthere are many nuances and details to life. it's all around you, just the right amount of oxygen in the air if not we'd burst into flame just inhaling this life-giving gas. it's funny how all things work out, it's funny how amdist all the destruction and decay (all things must pass away), that there are also such things that sustain life or rather just prolongs it. this proves that there is a time and place for everything, this proves that we are subject to a greater power and authority, and yet.. we are also masters of our own fate. no fate save for what we make of ourselves. but even so, we cannot control the weather, we cannot control the random occurances in the molecules when they go throough radioactive decay. in that regard we are as random as the simple things of this existence, and we are also just as complex and specific as everything that was ever created, or happened to be here by blind chance. you decide, you have to, or you simply just exist, and then cease to exist.

detail, a trait that pays when you want to leave you mark on something, anything. i will write until you read the detail of messages conveyed.

singing songs in a heavenly hostit was an activity filled day as i woke up at 1100 after staying up the night to watch movies at aud's home. later, i met jack and my perth mentor in the afternoon, followed by watching Narnia with mark where out of the blue sue and tiff asked us out to Dempsy's for wine. all pleasant surprises in their own right. i really enjoyed Narnia, and i came close to tears very often when there were scenes of family, brotherhood, imagery of holding your sword out and battles.. because all these things hold great importance in my life. i love those close and around me, especially my own flesh and blood. i love my God, and everytime that was an image of how he helped my overcome, or is still helping me overcome that was portrayed in the movie, it just moved me. to hold my sword with conviction and my shield with steadfastness, and to know that there were people around me, and more importanly, the lion of Judah is my strength and my shield.

Monday, December 26, 2005

and so we had a christmas eve service which brought it all back to perspective. something's changing in my life, something that i need total surrender to understand. all i can say, is that with God, if there is no element of fear of the future, no doubt about how things will turn out, things that affect one's life gravely, then there is no use living a life of faith. so Lord, i believe that your plans are to prosper me, to advance your kingdom, and that all things work for the good of those who love you.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

a saviour was bornlet's not forget the reason for the season. amidst all the gift wrappings, the cards that we write, that special people that we hang out with and the loved ones which we hold dear to us in this festive season.. let's not forget the reason why we have Christmas, that it's all about Jesus, that for every single one of us in the human race, two thousand and five years ago, a child was born, and he grew up to save the entire human race. he did not come with a sword, but he came to redeem our souls from eternal damnation and the evils our eyes have been veiled to see. he endures the scorn now of unrepentance, unbelief and ungratefullness, but God demonstrates his own love for us in this, that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8) and this was the first step, on this day, a child was born, who would grow up to be a king, and he will come again to redeem the lost. -) Merry CHRISTmas everyone!

Friday, December 23, 2005

my name is brian, and i play bass in a sporean rock band called leeson. currently, i'm on my summer vacation and next year i will return to perth to finish up my degree. i intern now at a small production house, and though i am busy, and the work is tiring and menial at times, i am happy. i have been blogging here since two thousand and three, and i was just wondering if any of you knew the short story of a long life. right now, i'm listening to wolf parade and it makes me very contented, and restores my faith in independent music. i like music that is fragile, like a house of cards, so glorious to look at but might fall apart at any moment. i like that moment when there is a fissure, and everything begins to crumble. you may say i'm self destructive, i say i have a very acute sense of reality.

i believe in God and that his son Jesus, died for my sins, that he is risen from the dead and lives forever, and that one day he will return.

i was just looking for something to blog about thru my pictures.. and well, this title just grabbed my attention. i dunno, we all harbour some ill intent to someone we know, or wouldn't like to know. such is life and we're not perfect. my batteries are running low.. i'll see you guys soon

ever feel that way sometimes? when you just can't see past a certain situation, and everything looks like its going to end up the same way. where everything you've ever felt before, experienced before all seem to be leading up to a singular event that might change your life.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

it's something like a push and a pull, there's so much time and there's so little time. there's a light from within, and from the lattices they form the shadows that tell us of our fractured spirits. but inside, our light is pure, our light is bright, it shines for all to see, and it lights the surrounding darkness. world's apart, gravitational forces drawing us closer and closer together.

something rolls by but it wasn't anything in particulartwo thousand and five. i feel as if i've grown so much this year.. i'm always saying that no one teaches you how to grow up, you kind of find yourself filling out the shoes that you're supposed to fill. however, thru it all.. i do suppose God has been with me every step of the way, and i'm really glad, blessed and proud to say that he is my God, and that i look to him for guidence as how to exist in this world, in this country, in this society. i'm glad that i have a God that has overcome the world, take heart! for I have overcome the world! such great encouragement, it humbles me and makes me grin from ear to ear. from academics, family, friendships, music, emotions and responsibilities alike, i just want to give God all the glory because he deserves it and so much more. maybe no one teaches you how to grow up, maybe we just find ourselves at that age, where whether we're prepared or not.. God's always there waiting for us, gone thru it before and will show us so much more. knowing not what lies ahead tomorrow, so i look to you.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

bite down hard and don't think about the painfunny how there are so many things to say, but there's no sense saying them when no one wants to listen. i like stifling creativity.. it breeds and festers more demented forms of thinking. yummmmmy..

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

it's always safe in the pasti suppose that's why we're afraid to move on, especially because of what the future holds in store for us. or doesn't hold in store for us.

i had a really good time with my mom just talking and hanging out in the hawker centre, walking there and back. she told me many things, especially stuff from her younger days. it's funny, a few years ago i would not have appreciated such things, but i think as we grow up.. we should start to respect our parents as more than just our parents, that they are people just like us, and they too.. shure could use a friend. i mean, we've all been there haven't we? the times when our friends all start having their own lives.. and sometimes we're so caught up in it, we forget our family around us. well, i'm glad God reminded me early enough that he's been so faithful to my family, and has made us all family as well as friends all in one. i know this makes me want a family of my own, despite all the heartache and the grief children and spouses give each other.. the ones closest to you hurt you and love you the most all at once.

shells and waves tear us apartit's funny how time flies.. it's been two weeks already, and i feel like as if my entire time here has been stretched to the max. i feel like time has gone by really quickly as well as slowly all at the same time. i wonder if this is a glimpse into my future as a career person. work days, play nights. work nights. play days.. or sleep. sleep somehow comes in when it needs to. but if anything, i'm really glad that God has been faithful to me all this while. i thank him for providing me with this experience, the family and friends i hang out with and just to also remember him while all this is going on. sometimes, my biggest fear is the day i turn away from God, the one i love. i suppose it's a valid fear that i feel toward the people that i love as well, that someday i might just stop loving them. it scares me, and crumbles me. all i have to offer is a continued a renewing humility that my heart is not big enough to love unconditionally, buut by grace.. my God will show me how, and to live by faith that he will keep me close, and i will not turn away. that we will not turn us away.

Friday, December 16, 2005

the wonderful sound of raking leavesi'm going to sleep now, but i just thought you'd like to know that you still matter enough to me that i type a post just for you whenever it is physically possible. because in the end, everything is harmless.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

but for now, i need youjust wondering what to blog about, but i'm just enjoying the night air and the sound of some construction going on outside my place. life's very surreal these few days, just pop into work, finish it, meet some friends in the evening.. really wonder when God will show me what it all means.

sometimes its easy to be close to God when things are fine and dandy, the test is, do you know your God when the shite hits the fan? but regardless of whether you know him or not, he is the one that always knows you. he knew you while you were still in your mother's womb. it blows my mind everytime he is concerned with us and our salvation, that it is in his heart that none may perish.

trusting God has been the easiest and most difficult thing in my life all at once. i hope that makes it real, first to him and then to me.

we were walking holding handswith our feetin the sandand the seagullsup abovethat's when i broke the spell and said"i could never divorce you,but its always good to have options"- pedro the lion

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

as cities burnam i a monster when i sink my teeth into herwhen i don't love herwhen i don't love you forgive me darlingbut love has nothing to do with itit has nothing to do withi can't stoptill i get what want from you.

fellow revellers of mud soaked bagelspush and pull, that's how i feel sometimes. sometimes i feel as if i'm trying to pull closer, sometimes i feel as if i'm trying to push you away. and why? why why why? there must be an inherent fear within, and who can set me free? the internship is going well, but it saps you and makes you dry.. day in day out, you're sapped of the creativity, but i suppose its good discipline to try and produce something everyday. hang on to the mothership folks.. hang on.. hang on and live on. my prayer for all of you..

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

sending out an smsand so yesterday while musing to myself waiting for an SMS reply, God drops this thought in my head. why don't you expect a reply from me the same way you expect a reply from your friends when you sms them? and the truth in that! jeremiah 33:3 says that "call to me and i will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." so yes, let's start expecting God to reply us whenever we ask something of him, and make that relationship with him more real than real life itself.

the come downgeee.. blogging always feels different in singapore because i'm finally here, where i've always assumed where most of my audience was. i miss napkin man loads, and that missing link was really felt at zoukout last night.

anyway, i was really high last night, really happy, as usual i did a lotta stupid things, said alotta stupid things all in the name of good fun. my only regret of sorts was being high to the point where i wasn't appreciating the music, but rather just prancing around like a hippie in the sixties. i attribute this to too much time in a hippy university like murdoch, and i assure you, the images of a giant bonfire and people dancing around it were flashing in my mind, and my dance moves were totally influenced by that sort of imagery.

all in all, i feel a tad strange missing church, but the fun last night was good healthy and clean. (to the best of my knowledge), i hope its not justification of sorts, but if anything, the come down is that, after being surrounded by so many people, we always have to deal with alone-ness. for tonight my parents are going out for a dinner, and i'll be alone, and it should be a good chance to reflect..

Friday, December 9, 2005

and then there were nonehey all, still trudging along at my new work place. forgive the lack of frequented updates, because as it would seem, i have a more socially approved place in society now. which means less time, or rather, less space to blog. people are looking, company time is money, and my image to my boss is a paycheck as well as future reccomendations.

it's just scary somewhat that we just somehow find our way around this constructed reality, i pray we don't get lost in it, because once you become swamped in it, its difficult to tell your right hand from your left. it makes me wonder that when a society becomes advanced enough, that's what happens, a tower of babel phenomena whereby we make our own rules. and what fallen rules they are! we're told in the bible, that we're given over to our own depravedness, because right and wrong become subjective, and that leads to everything that isn't of God.

instead of looking at things in terms of good and evil, look at it in terms of God and not of God. for language's sake. in today's subjective world, good and evil bear different meanings for so many of us just need to bear our attention back on the cross and the fear of God as the yardstick for our behaviour. if we serve ourselves, we are our own masters, if we serve our God, then he is our master. i've chosen God, because i didn't create everything around me, from a DNA strain to the outermost galaxies, i think for that reason, i owe my existence to something greater than me.

Thursday, December 8, 2005

you are a dirty mommavery tired now, long day at work. but i met the technical gurus, and all i can say is that it shure was fun talking to them. they've been really gracious to me and willing to teach and explain things to me. its so uplifting to have this sort of encouragement as opposed to bullying the noob.

Wednesday, December 7, 2005

recoverywell, i'm back in spore, and the most stubongz thing ive done so far is to not bring back my usb transfer cable. so that means no pictures for you guys until i solve that problem! anyhow, today was a truly fun-filled activity soaked day, and i managed to secure an internship starting tomorrow, so that's all pretty spiffy. i won't name the company for privacy reasons, or i'm assuming there are, but it's really God's blessings that he helped me find one so soon (and thanks to tham as well). just this morning i was praying to God about how i should go about this holiday, and the internship just found itself to me.. truly a blessing. pretty tired now, hopefully i'll find some issue or topic to blog about, but in the meanwhile, this is it!

Monday, December 5, 2005

misadventures in returning homeoh, the irony of it all. just as i was risking life and limb to reach the toolshed where my bags were stowed away, and like any good platform game, water sprinklers were going off everywhere and i was trying my darndest to be nimble and not get hit by any stray jets of water (physically impossible mind you), just as i recovered my posessions and was about to retreat into the safety of my house, the sprinklers switch themselves off. wot can i say? my God has a sense of humour.

Sunday, December 4, 2005

did she mean..?isn't it funny when girls twist wot us guys say all the time when they go "so you mean to say that... yada yada yada??!!??" it's funny how we always loose in arguments but win in arm wrestling. not unless you're chyna.

burn it all to...i hate machines and i hate everything about computers when they go "error recording not enough memory". i just spent the entire night, that's 2145 till now 630 and still counting trying to burn dvds for my band, a wedding and my housemate's farewell video. i'm just wanting to kill computers right now because everytime i spent 1.5 hours encoding something to dvd, it ends up with that stupid message. i try different ways to go about the memory problem, but still the same problem. in the end, i really think its computer's fault, not mine.

so now i'm taking a compromise and burning a data cd instead of dvds. sorry guys, ive just been spending too long on this already. i need sleep, brekkie, shower and church. if i can get up.. *yikes*

they don't love the sunis it easy to fall in love? in a certain way, i feel so cold, heartless even. i think these past years have been one of caution instead of unbridled passion, i fear that this is the plague of adulthood. the closer it closes in, the less chances we take. the older we get, the less faith and more fear we have. fear is so dehabilitating, its so distracting, it so makes me not love. theresa mentioned before that women want to be pursued, and feel wanted. my reply today is that, i'm trying to remember wot it was like to fall madly in love with someone, wot it was like to have infatuation so strong you could burn the sun out, but alas when i think of that, i think of wasted years.

and some battles, they just leave a wound that heals not. i think foro a change, its been alright to be a bit more cautious, monitor your own motives first before pursuing a passion, but still, at the end of it all, everything is still a risk. and in hapless romanticism, she will make me vulnerable again, just as God has.

and if i feel a rage i won't deny iti won't fear love- sarah mclachlan

Saturday, December 3, 2005

the last dayswot? is it saturday already? after the slew on updates on thursday, my friday was spent.. well, like any other friday ought to be spent. no, i lie, i don't know how its supposed to work on friday, but i went to give out flyers in the city for this one-time job i had. quite a depressing job, but so much so that it helps mirror life. you get rejected so often, but you have to keep going on, irritating people and hoping they smile at you or reject you kindly. the ones that cut deep, were those that pretended you were invisible, as if you didn't exist. i suppose it just goes to show how some of us can actually feel we're so much better than someone else.

but after that was metal gear solid 3 and halo 2 and daryl and shaun's houses. its been awhile since i hung with the guys in my cell.. but yay! it was fun!

Thursday, December 1, 2005

i reccomend that you don't read or watch the news anymore. apart from the feel-good bit at the end of every news programme, every other segment is fraught with bad news. we're so sadistic that we wanna know when bad things happen. it plays with my mind, it causes me to panic over something that isn't always there. there is a fear and it grips us, i can't take you there. when was the last time you heard some good news, when was the last time you truely smiled and felt glad you were alive? alas, its something i want to feel again so bad.

i'm going back on monday, and for some strange reason, instead of relaxing and taking things easy i am awfully swamped with errands. this is not a good thing, unnecessary stress before a vacation, i'm not enjoying myself very much, still playing a gig tonight. i guess life is no walk in the park afterall..

my housemate theresa has graduated and is leaving for home tonight. such is the life of international students, you grow roots, you uproot them hoping to transplant yourself back into native soil. hoping that time has not changed the familiarity of our mundane existence.

but the time that passes by is dynamic and always changing. people grow up, buildings fall down. it moves in circles and there is release from new bondages.

and tomorrow, when i wake up, a housemate and dear friend would have returned, and things will never be the same again. everyday, something changes, and it would be foolish to wish it were yesterday.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

open caterpillars that seem to melti'm back in it, i think i'm back in it. man.. i need to refurbish all my lost editing skills, for the moment i can't remember anything that i'm supposed to do. yeeesh, in a way i hate learning new stuff, its so time consuming. but then again, i won't have much to do this next week before i go back, so i might as well relearn wot i can. you think this is funny? it's not, it feels so dehabilitating. or however you spell that damn word.

i've sent out one resume, in the hopes that i will get an internship and learn something. it just seems like the right thing to do this holidays, alot of my friends are graduating and begining their careers whereas i'm just wading thru an ocean learning to swim, trying to remember the trade routes. is this wot its like to grow up? you don't exactly grow into it, rather it all suddenly swamps you and its either sink or swim?

i have a fair idea of how i'm going to do this semester, i'm probably going to be passing all my units. if i don't, then its bye bye university, but i don't think that will be the case. i've confirmed that i'm clearing two out of three units, one of them is probably just a pass, and the other, well.. we'll see how it goes. as for the third one, it all depends on whether my tutor likes work handed up late.

i really had a problem with deadlines this semester, handing up work late everywhere and my tutors all say the same thing that its sucha waste that i don't hand up stuff on time because i suppose, the work this idiot produces is actually of a certain worth. my problem with deadlines isn't as bad as last semester's and the year before. i suppose that if i do carry on next semester, its really through the grace of God, because i think i've been so disobedient in this regard that i'm not prioritising my university's workload. many more people deserve to be in my oppurtunity, and sometimes i just disregard the full extent of growing up.

in awhile, my video file would have been rendered and then i can begin burn burn burning. see you in the real world. or is this it?

couple of my friends won 3 awards at the murdoch film festival (where majority of the entries were shot on digital video), and the director for both the winning shorts was the electric cowboy. so well, i'm just happy for him and his crew, and hope to see greater things to come.

magazine of rags to richesit's been awhile, but i just haven't found the time to update. my mom and cousin are flying back tomorrow, and the time that they were here just seemed to pass by in a flash. almost three weeks, and then i go back to spore next monday. haven't really had the time to slow down, and the year's finally come to an end. it brings about many strange feelings that i haven't felt in awhile.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

crack down on the hip paradethe day is winding down and i'm allowed some time to myself. apologised to mom and she accepted it, and we just appreciated each other alot better after that. shure we're not perfect, shure we'd like to think that we're better than to squabble about inane things, but the truth is that we aren't better than any of that. no matter how redeamed we are, in our cursed earthly bodies our tongues are forever cursed with deadly poison.

that's the thing, even though we've been saved, we are not above our fallen nature. even though we walk in victory, the physical curse, is that we can lapse back into ruts. we are not above it, we should not look with despise and contempt on others and ourselves if ever we fall short because we are human, and without a supernatural helping hand we are doomed to failure.

the more we recognise that we are capable of falling, the more unsurprised we will be at the nature of the world. as christians, we won't have our heads in the clouds and not identify when someone tells us he's gotten his girlfriend pregnant because he didn't know better. because as much as i condone, and the bible condones premarital/extramarital sex, i am fully capable of doing the same thing. it's only by grace that we somehow don't.

in this regard, our faith can be awfully nihilistic and it suits me just fine. -)

Friday, November 25, 2005

different days will tell you different thingsthe days have just been going by for me, haven't really had time to think about stuff or reflect. its a welcome change, usually i have too much time. having your mom and cousin here, means that you have to get used to being accountable for almost everything you do every single second of the day. i must say, i've quite lost touch with that, or maybe i never even possessed that patience in the first place. anyhow, that story goes is that i become this volatile mess whenever she asks me really simple questions about what's happening, or what's gonna happen, y'know.. harmless questions (in a nagging sorta way), and lets just say i don't loose my cool at my friends the same way i loose my cool at her. *sigh* but i've already let it all out in a few jogs on my own, cooled down and more level headed, accepted that there are some things a son i may not be now. its funny when your flaws are laid out to bare and you gotta decide what your course of action to be. anyhow, i hope to apologise to her today, because.. when i have kids of my own, i would still want to be appreciated by my kids. but isn't it funny that the ones closest to you have the higher chance of hurting you the most? that really shouldn't be the way should it?

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

gee.. i don't know wot to believe anymore these days. i'm really not buying much of this anyway, in a way i find it hard to believe that any drug involvment actually goes all the way to the top of the singaporean government.

i'm reading this now, and its a lot of fingerpointing, very little actual evidence, alot of alleged evidence. what its drawn into highlight, is that singapore has plenty of trade buisness with burma, and it seems that arouses suspicion as to the type of buisness that goes on. well, today the US just agreed to help indonesia by helping fund their millitary. i don't know if this means anything, but its the same US backing that put ex-president surharto to power, and slaughtered many of his own to get there, as well as deregulating many of indonesia's trade laws to plunge it into poverty with corruption.

my point is, that sometimes aid has strings attached, sometimes it might be genuine aid, and maybe we don't see it till its too late.

a part of me wants to see that the australian media is once again playing out the drama, sensationalising all the elements and moving australians into some sort of nationalistic furor, another is concerned that this conspiracy goes all the way to the top. and in a way, it wouldn't be too hard for a government like singapore to silence many of its critics and evidence. the track records of both sides just stink, and why does it hurt so much just to take sides?

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

lest we mourn for the deadwow, i haven't really had the time to do a post in a few days.. just been busy showing my mom and cousin around. don't really know if i have much to update, i just confirmed my flight back to spore for the 5th of december. and everything after that seems like an open book. don't really know wot i wanna do this semester. well, i lie, i do have some plans, and i kind of do know wot i wanna spend my money on. first and formost, i'm gonna get my pedal board going, and then i'm gonna fix up my guitar. hopefully, that'll put me in a position to write more new tunes with thomas because i'm really looking to playing guitar in a new project band again. not that i'm hanging the bass up, just y'know, need more hobbies. hahaha.. gonna apply as a volunteer at musicforgood, and if anyone knows of any internships, maybe i'll give that a whirl. well, for those in spore, see you when i get there! haven't seen so many people in ages, its always good to be home -)

Saturday, November 19, 2005

confirmation in the stars, there are angelsand what would you think, if all the things i surrounded myself with were done in a hope to validate this existence. what do we find beneathe, an empty husk or something filled with meaning and purpose?

Friday, November 18, 2005

past livesthe luxury of comfort is pushing the screams of mercy back into the troves of malcontent. we're too small for our seatstoo big for our strollerswithering away as it slowly decays, holding on to that which fades away(holding on to our past lives, our past years of glory, of who we were to make up for who we weren't)

is it a sad thing? is it a pitiful thing? or is it the only thing that we could feel?

i wrote that on my way back to perth earlier this semester. i think its something that has been brewing in me for a pretty long time, this feeling that my entire life has been a mistake. that everything i've ever done has been the result of one mistake, one failure after another. and again i stress that people remember your failures more than your achievements.

in a way, i see the perpetual looking at the past, longing for nostalgia as well as remembering achievements as a sign of weakness. it sometimes shows how we remember our glory years, and only walk in the past, never moving forwards. and yet for so much of my judgement, today perhaps i'm reminding myself just how important certain lessons from the past are.

if you see me today, you'll probably know that i was just an average corporal during my stint in the army. and in perhaps in admiting a bout of my insercurity, i think i still believe that people seem to give more credit to officers, that to a certain extent, in a credentials sorta way, people respect them more. i might be wrong, i'm probably paranoid, but today i say things in the hope of exorcising them.

and everytime i feel this way, like why are officers getting all the credit and respect? is it something to really be proud of? spending 9 months getting rank that professional soldiers spend 4 years slogging for in a military university to achieve? before it gets discredited as sour grapes, i'm believe i'm telling it like it is as well.

my time in the army was spent this close getting my chance to be an officer. if i were to remember an achievement, i was the best recruit in my company, i was supposed to have a future (in the Singapore Actors Federation though). the thing is, because i don't wanna wallow in the past, i don't like talking about this. but i recognise that maybe i'm not all that over it.

and that's my point exactly. people spend more time harping over the fact that you screwed up, not wot achievements you had in the past. you may have recieved top class honours, or a daymn nobel prize, you may have saved the world, but all you need to do is to destroy it and everyone will be blaming you, and nobody cares two cents about all the good you did before that.

and i wrote those lines above, because i recognised in myself, and in life in general just how obsessed we are at attaining future credentials so that our past may speak for us.

but i'd just like to say that all we have is now. we remember the good in our lives to make up for the bad in our past. but all we have is now. it is now that we have a power to create or destroy. i wish i could mean it when i say we are free of the past, its something that i believe all of us need. salvation from our pasts, its one of the things that has a solid grip of fear on us and paralyzes us. and yet, if we are truely free of that past, then all we have is now, and that's worth living for sometimes. no fate save for wot we make of it ourselves.

for some strange reason, i've been watching the dane cook routine this night so far. might i recommend the Dave Attell Insomniac show Scene two. he voices all my concerns about some very important issues.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

respect the dead because they don't respect themselvesi'm sitting out here in my living room typing away on this post listening to this year's compilation over my headphones. made a few changes to it, and i must, the changes just add more (because i added two more songs and took out one) to the whole experience. morgan and i are really planning for this year's giftings, because well.. we both believe that music is something that should be shared, especially amongst close family and friends.

i can't wait to go back to the leeson camp and bust out a few jams with them. may fled is doing pretty well at the moment as well.. every show, there always seems to be someone bopping abit to the music. 'specially if they seem to be from an older generation. i quite like that, it makes me feel like it something that only if you've been there before you'll gettit. our music here isn't terribly popular, but we just hope to put out the best tunes we can even if no one's looking. artistically, that's really important sometimes, because we won't always get acknowledged for wot we do. in fact, people tend to remember our mistakes more than our achievements, so in that regard, it's always important to still have principles and do your best even when no one's looking. man looks at the surface, but God looks at the heart.

today, i went to the strawberry farm with my mom, esther, theresa, arielle and zachery. at this farm, we get to pick the strawberries ourselves, and since they were in season, we managed to get giganormous, sweet and juicey ones. after that, we went to this little garden where they serve lunch, and we had crepes with chicken and mushrooms, fish and chips as well as ham cheese quiche! a wonderful meal to round off an exciting morning. it was all quite surreal with the weather being just perfect and the sun shining over us. days like these are hard to come by, and yet we'll forget them only till our last recollection.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

it seethes and sometimes it boils overi've been blogging for close to two years now, and probably been reading different blogs for earlier than that. usually i refrain from naming people who have treaded on my toes, much less talk about every single little thing that is wrong with my life or with society, or the world and the list goes on.

i come from a "do unto others wot you would want others do unto you" camp, where i believe that if i start flaming others, i should be responsible and mature enough to accept the flames of others, whether justified or otherwise. it's a personal moral system, you don't have to follow it, but for me, it just keeps one in check. you're put in a situation where you try to look the other way, try to look beyond it, and try to respect and be patient rather than just simply lashing out in wot normally is self-defence and retaliation.

blogs are public spaces, where freedom of speach is applauded, but with that also comes the encouragement to use it, not abuse it.

i suppose the reason why i am addressing this issue, is that after so long, i'm finally deciding to use the public space to air out my concerns for a change. i don't normally do this, because i choose not to. i get paranoid with becoming an empty vessel that makes a helluva racket. i think words can be important things, that they communicate many things and thru even a slight misunderstanding, spread pestilence amongst relationships like the plague itself.

having said that, after all that's be said and done, we want "less talk and more rock". walk the talk kitty kats, this is fundamentally one of grand flaws of organised religion, and why christianity gets lumped into camps such as hypocrisy. we speak against all sorts of 'moral filth', and yet we talk about 'loving people as Jesus did'. and then we judge, distance ourselves, become seperated by fencing ourselves in. if we really loved them, we would accept them as Jesus did regardless of the sin they are in, because we were all sinners as well. and believe it or not, we probably get a massive hard-on by being self-righteous sometimes.

but anyway, back to blogging. i don't know if there's a bad state of blogging these days. maybe there is, maybe there isn't. i tend to flucuate between the two. there is xiaxue.blogspot.com and there is xialanxue.blogspot.com. i suppose both are 'controvasial' in a writing style that empowers the writer that they 'take shit from no one, don't like my blog just f--- off'. and somehow, its the comment boxes from both camps that intrigues me the most. people are taking this blogging thing seriously. and when coupled with instant prejudices, a flame war erupts and everyone just loses respect for everyone else except themselves.

this feeds the ego, and continues to fragment community ties and mutual respect between human beings. if we do respect anyone, it's probably because we're politically correct and don't wanna be viewed as 'bad people'.

another reason why God looks at the heart and not the surface.

almost slowly and if not shurely, i hope that for you who reads this blog will pick out the subtleties of the Christian faith, that are in reality the most prolific revolutions back in the day as they are in the present now.

Monday, November 14, 2005

dad's gone home today and well.. my feelings are as such. -) really glad he came down just to pay a visit, and just show him how i've been living my life. he never really had oppurtunities like this, and for all that he's given up to raise up a family and given to his son's education i will be grateful the rest of my days.

not that we're a calculative bunch, but i think a close-knit family looks out for each other and scratches each others backs.

dad doesn't usually say much, and i think he tends to keep things to himself. not that i would want him to start being open all again or to be someone he's not, but i think perhaps we respect people for who they are, give'em room to be themselves and be generally accepting of all our good and shortcomings.

dad, i'll miss you as you go back to work tomorrow, it's been awhile since we last hung out like that and i'm glad we got the time to kick back and enjoy a few beers in between. thanks for the oppurtnities you've made for me, and i can only hope to do you proud some day -)

she finds it hard to shimmer in the lighti had to find some time here i guess. have been playing host to my parents for the whole day, and its made me appreciate my own alone time here. time where one can just sit quietly and reflect on one's own life. i guess i didn't know how much alone time i had till my parents came, and now its quite scarce.

so they're sleeping in my room now, and im just in the living room typing all this out. its been great having them here, and i'm just glad to be able to share with them wot they've been sacrificing for me.

tomorrow dad's gonna join mom and me at church. really wonder how he'll take to it, i do hope that it speaks into him and causes him to question one's existence.

somehow, that's one reason why i've been so interested in spirituality, that idea that there's always more than meets the eye. that there's always a reason, something beneath the surface of our existence? i mean, wot sort of purpose would we have if we were a cosmic joke and we exist simply because we exist.

if life were an accident, that there's no real reason we should be here, and that somehow we've arrived, built up our cultures and modern technologies, that we should just enjoy the 70-80 years that we are alive and that's it.

isn't it meaningless?

and the thing is that, some of us are so totally content with that 80 years of existence. granted, i see those years as a gift (and curse sometimes), but if life were so meaningless.. why live it? wouldn't it make a difference then to just end it all.

and that's why, the first step is to always look beyond ourselves. that if we died, it affects others.. and there's a clue in living your life for someone else. and then you surrender more and more, and finally.. finally we pass away from here.

am i afraid of death? not particularly, not just because i believe in an afterlife, i mean, even if you didn't believe in an afterlife you wouldn't fear death because you've accepted that death is a natural part of life.

the scary thing in reality is, what if there is an afterlife, and what if there is a hell?

Saturday, November 12, 2005

i could sense it even before you said iti had my parents come here to visit me and i was all excited. to play the filial son and show them around perth and make shure they enjoyed themselves. it seems perfect, to have your parents here, to have them show their love to you and you show their love to them. and once again, we prove to the world just how perfect life is, how without fault one's life can be.

the funny thing is that they had a little squabble. a mindless squabble that really didn't warrant any harsh words, but it happened. and for a brief moment, everything fell apart and i just wished that nobody was here to see this.

but then again, we have to learn that nothing stays perfect, that love exists beyondmindless petty squabbles, and that God overcomes all imperfect things. it was a grounding lesson today, to have it this real, to be broken down on the spot in this public place just how much we can't believe in the fairytales that society tells us to live. the hollywood marriages, the hollywood dreams.

at dinner today, we met up with one of my parents' old friends, and its so sudden how one changes their impression of you once they found out you're christian. the host immediately tried every chance to jack the faith, and while he was admittedly tipsy, i took a mild offence. not enough to hold it against him, but enough to be mad at myself abit.

y'see, lately God and i haven't really been talking much, and i've been feeling like a sunday christian of sorts for the past week, and when faced with a situation like that, it just angered me that when he asked me why i believed, i almost didn't know wot to say. i had all the head answers, 'specially after that article i wrote. but somehow, in my heart, because of my distance between God, there was no real convincing answer.

its so sad. but it shows me how much i need God more now, and so much more i need to learn.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

taking the time to find out whysomehow i find that i have nothing left to say. i really feel dry, and i also feel that this will become very ironic. because while i said that i have nothing left to say, i know i will spend the next thirty words (or more) trying to understand why i have nothing new to say. is it times up yet? i can't help but feel i'm supposed to be living up to something, but i don't know wot it is. am i too slack, am i too immature? sometimes i wish someone would just kick me in the nuts so that i'd know there are repercussions to the real world.

...

and for all your tards out there, i meant the nut-kicking in a metaphorical way.

wendy the pangedmy folks just arrived in towne. it shure is fun having someone to show around.. i think they really like it here, i mean who wouldn't? so my updates may not be as frequent, but hey.. we all learn to get along.. -)

in the presence stands a treethe high lives are pretty people without a care in the world. subjected to torturous amounts of vindication, everybody loves you. i want in as much as you want out, i'll find more so long as you give less.

just finished writing an article and i can't help but feel so different about it. its different knowing that there's an actual circulation around your work, and one wonders just how far one should take an idea. alas, writing like this humbles me to cultivate more than just relishing a gift.

it's a healthy inadequecy, i don't know how the audience will recieve to the text, i can only hope it does what it's supposed to do, wotever that is.

Monday, November 7, 2005

who will call me home?as i sit here typing and listening to the rough tracklisting for this year's compilation, waiting for hot water to boil so that i can have a pot of green tea to accompany me, it just begs the question of just what is important to me. not that i have not been asking that question a lot. i think about it from time to time, but i tend to take things as they come, because i don't want to live a life bound by the chains of the uncertain future. still, it is good and healthy to think about it every once in awhile. gives you focus i'd say.

ahhh.. the pot of tea is now in my room. i hope it helps, i seem to have a case of heartburn. i don't like heartburn, it makes me feel uncomfortable. i'm hoping that by losing some weight it'll ease the heartburn. you know how that belly of yours seems to push your internal organs upwards? don't know if you'll agree with me, maybe i have an eating disorder. not that i would joke about these things. no.

and back to what's important to me.God's important to me, where would i be without him? a constant source of direction, support and comfort. and still i know i take all his grace for granted sometimes, how i even put various things above him. we're not perfect, i wish i were, but then i wouldn't be in need of salvation then.

family and friends are important to me. sometimes i think i strive for certain things just for their approval. i don't particularly buy into the make yourself happy scheme of doing things. i don't see how i can validate myself with my achievements, how that makes me a better person in anyway. i think God validates us, and people can sort of pseudo validate us. it may be a false sense of sercurity sometimes, but learning to live not for yourself is also one of the first steps.

and perhaps after that everything falls along behind. creativity, music, health, material posessions.. making your mark in society or community. the next phase in life is coming soon, and i never imagined that it would actually come so soon. so many years of growing up, wanting to be grown up, and now that you're here, you just wished you had more time to prepare yourself.

a little glimpse into the sort of romantic future i've envisioned for myself is to be an accomplished musician, in an accomplished band, constantly pushing the boundaries on good music and revisiting the grand nostalgia of good music. to be in the company of good family and friends, to have community and relationships with them under the umbrella of good music and food. we don't have to accomplish the world, just our lives.

Sunday, November 6, 2005

sun lying in the sandand it has come to my attention that things will not always go the way you planned it to. gee, im not doing much now, just working on the tracklisting for this year's compilation. the autobahn and me are working to give you guys a quality product this year, full of sensational music from around the world (i lie) to bring festive cheer on rainy days. the future seems uncertain.

and there's something for everyonean early post because i didn't post on saturday. not that it really matters, but since i woke up early this sunday morning, i thought it'd be convenient to type something out for those who check this before noon everyday.

it's a lovely day this sunday morning, one of those days where you can't see anything bad happening, where everything's gonna unfold as if it were planned. i realise that's how much faith i put in the everyday things when one is at peace, where you're not constantly thinking of wot's ahead, but being given the gift of today itself. to enjoy it and be at peace with it for wot it is. it's almost surreal to think about it, and this is wot i hope for everyone.

sometimes, i think deep down im still an idealist, however i know that all my other cognitive senses tell me to be a cynical bastard. it's a pretty interesting life i'd say.

things have finally slowed down for me with the academic workload, i hope to pursue more creative projects and also start living a life not about academics but experiences. feels as if i took a sabbatical from feeling things and.. i feel dangerously apathetic now. i leave that to the future.

Thursday, November 3, 2005

sing songs of hope, hope that brings..oh wot do i care? oh what do i know? well, i'll admit that yesterday's posts were somewhat emo, had to let off some steam lah.. was prepping for my presentation today and attempting to get an essay done. well, i kind of got an extension on that essay, and after that its a journal and then i'll be done for the semester. done! i still can't believe it. if you know how close i've come to dropping out, i still can't believe it. it's beyond words, it's beyond words to have someone believe that you could do it, that credibility, that acknowledgement. *sigh* and yet i know i don't live for these things alone, but through it all, i've been learning the difference between walking the path and knowing the path. to all my dear friends somehow stuck in a rut, take heart, take great joy that your Lord Jesus cares for you, and wants to help you fight those battles you can't win. for his glory.. amen

Wednesday, November 2, 2005

when it decends upon you, weepeat your children, back in a corner, don't leave room for me, everything is spinning around. i don't think this will last, i don't think this will hurt, but nothing comes close to experiencing this, nothing comes closer to death and the end than this. or so we imagine, or so we lie, that this is wot we believe in, this is wot propels us, she couldn't really take it, so she left, left us for dead, left us to fend ourselves and find something else. don't treat me for something i don't have, everything comes apart as it comes together. this isn't really happening.

falsettos are notes i'll never reachthat's not true, i do wanna reach them someday. but that's not enough is it? sometimes you wonder if its the best thing that you've ever had, whether its the best you could have done or could you have done more. just what are the limits to us human beings? i'm down to my last few assignments and i feel like throwing in the towel. some you fear are lost causes, and yet.. and yet.. so much has been invested. so many more years of life ahead of me. i can't fail now can i?

it begs the thought though, that if i don't come home with a degree, just what does it say of me? funny how people remember you more for your shortcomings than your achievements, funny how much easier it is to fall from greatbess than to attain greatness. the world we live in can be pretty unforgiving at times, so much so it twists my perception of the grace that died for me sometimes.

may the Lord constantly remind me how free flowing his grace is, while not to be taken for granted (but lets face it, we've treated God like a doormat so many times), it is incomprehensibly freely given. it makes no sense, and it blows my mind everytime i think about it. you're still willing to forgive me even now?? after all i've done to hurt you, you're finding it in your heart again to forgive me and give me another chance?

sometimes i wonder how much longer this will last, when will i wake up to reality and and be free of all the crowns that society places on a pedestal. and yet, and yet.. i fear wot they will think of me.

Tuesday, November 1, 2005

Monday, October 31, 2005

this neighborhood is going down in flamesfirst, a venerable slew of updates so that you won't think i've been slacking in this department.

for the most part, i do know that leeson will be playing at the sembawang music festival'06 on january 20. it's organised by malcom of the new-legendary Prince of Wales (Wails) as a glastunbury/fuji rock sorta festival. before you go on lamenting of how it's gonna pale in comparison such spectacles, lets all just remember it has to start somewhere. i don't know wot its gonna be like, but i shure am excited to be a part of something in its birthing stages. couple of bands that i know i'll be checkin out are shoegaze/dance shuffle outfit: shamejoannshame, vetran indie rockers: satalite (remember the Green Room Sessions?), ronin, and wot i think will be the highlight for me: the hampdens. i first got to know this band last year when huii popped this wonderful band into the cd player during last year's mission trip and i've been finding ways and means to get my hands on the slightly exciting ethereal tunes!

so yes, i'm not even asking you to give local sporean music a chance. i'm encouraging you to be proud of what it means to have a culture of your own and be a part of this! wot makes sembawang not sound as cool as glastunbury? it's just the daymed hype, that's all. a name's just a name, and these events start somewhere. if you wanna see better music coming to spore, show your support, show that you're interested in music as a whole, that you believe singapore is capable of hosting a top quality music festival where artistes from everywhere would love to be a part of wot our tiny little nation has to offer, and just celebrate music for wot it is.

also, check out justin king. this guy is gonna be the next big thing whether you like it or not. and remember, you heard it here first. (actually empirejess, but hey.. who's counting?)

Sunday, October 30, 2005

what's past is present and now we're taking steps into the futuredid i forget to post yesterday? yess.. i'm afraid i did. but the world still spins on its axis. you only wish that your actions were that important, but the truth of the matter is that it don't mean a thing. you won't even miss me till i'm gone. and then some.

soaring, above clouds and all the going-arounds on earth seem so small. they say its a matter of perspective, but wot i want is a glorious hope. and hope itself is empty without faith. hope is an empty vessel if for the sake of hoping alone. i wished for this and that, i shall be content with us.

please tell me things i don't know yet, only the things that i won't hang out to dry. we could be safe together, safe in each other's arms. but still that's not enough. wot are you afraid of? what am i afraid of? can i protect you from myself? i suppose that is one of the hardest things.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

this has been my new toy for the past twenty minutes, and already i see nary a lonely night listening to a streaming broadcast that has a seventy five point seven chance of playing a song i might actually enjoy. why? you ask. because for starters, by downloading the audioscribbler plugin for whichever media player you choose to be your default, it will record and spy on your music choices, sending that information to the last.fm server and find similar artistes whenever you open the radio player. alternatively, when you start the player, the ask for similar artistes as well, and immediately generate a playlist from there. we are talking a vast library of non-mainstream music here, and if that rocks your socks, go sign up now! (and populate my 'friends' list.)

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

the second greatest story ever told"... as the dust of battle settled, the Autobots gathered about their fallen leader. His metal work was scorched and dented. Only a faint glow from his eyes showed that he was still functioning. Optimus Prime was dying.

In a faint voice he said, "Do not grieve, Ultra Magnus, it is to you old friend, I shall pass the matrix of leadership as it was passed to me."

"I am no worthy of it," said Ultra Magnus. "I am just a soldier."

"You will keep it," continued Optimus Prime, "Until a day that an Autobot steps up from your ranks and uses the power of the matrix to light our darkest hour." He opened the compartment in his chest and lifted out the crystal of pure energy. Then his strength failed and it dropped from his hand. Hot Rod caught it and passed it to Ultra Magnus. The new leader placed the matrix in his own body cavity. As he looked down at Optimus Prime, his own eyes began to shine with power. Optimus Prime's eyes grew bright for a moment, then faded and went blank. He was dead..."

this is just so cool. i'm not one for apple products per se, but it shure breeds a creativity to accessorise individuals. and there i was thinking that the ishuffle was a useless impractical piece of plastic. who knew that the minimalist foundation would allow it to be modified easier?

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

everything turns to dust, don't imagine just believeand so i watched donnie darko this afternoon at class, and i wonder wot it would be like to be schizophrenic. man, i'm at the official website now, and it's as trippy as the film itself. at first i hated this film, but watching it the second time, it's incredibly surreal and so much more pertinent, so much more relevant. do you believe in time travel?

lately i've been interested in the voice of our generation, the disenchanted, the apathetic, the nonchalent. things aren't that simple. if only things could be easily blamed and pinned down on something. the film reminded me of all the years of my teenaged past, how the words to a song could mean the world to me, how i'd hold on to every word, live out each day as if it were a page in a book.

sadly, real life is not interested in that. it reminded me of all the things i used to think about, about all the things i decided weren't going to light my way, things i would have had to get out of my way.

and it worries me now, worries me that all that's left is a montage of fragments with the illusion of a whole. but i know this isn't real, as real as it is passing time. you see, the faith currently as it stands right now, is too real.. i want to remember an innocent time when the faith was magical, miraculous, full of signs and wonders. when the undercurrents were strong and the stability was not something that stoodstill, but could be moved around and the joy of movement could be experienced by all.

Under blue moon I saw youSo soon you'll take meUp in your armsToo late to beg you or cancel itThough I know it must be the killing timeUnwillingly mine

- "killing moon" echo and the bunnymen

there is art on this site that is just amazing to appreciate. his medium of choice is lovely, and i only wished i thought of that sonner.

Monday, October 24, 2005

geniusi've always found blur to be one of the genius bands of our generation. pity i can't name drop them with all coolness because they are song2 bigger than that.

and we all saydon't want to be alonewe wear the same clothes because we feel the sameand kiss with dry lipswhen we say goodnightend of the century...it's nothing special

- "end of century" blur

i wonder wot the voice of this generation is. i wonder wot the voice of any society or any individual is. i wonder because we're all part of the status quo, don't rock the boat. the voices of discension that's in the air, the air of discontentment and jaded well-beings. the lacklustre hip hoorays because the past has mucked us so and now the future is all that's left to behold.

all the emotion in our world today, poured out like a river overflowing it's banks. it'll drown us all and consume us. i could have said "you", but i'm no better, and i'm no worse. there is no longer time left to prove who's right and who's wrong in this world anymore. sometimes it feels as if we're just passing through, and right and wrong seem negligible next to transient or eternity.

there are always more pressing issues at hand, and if i had it my way.. don't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. two more weeks of the semester, i can't seem to get finished on my assignments long overdue. egad egad egad, i hope that once i type this out, magically my heart will long to finish my work. stay in touch, it's no surprise.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

pardon the stains on the windowbusy yourselftear yourself away from attachmentsseeking solace within the whirlwinds of graceand i won't let you downso lay me down softlydon't let me crashdon't let me hit the floorpashin' and left outsimple lives and tragic endings

ow, i think i've got a toothache. funny, you'd think you'd outgrow toothaches by this time. i suppose its my wisdom tooth, the upper right side of my mouth just hurts tragic. i just want someone to pull that stupid tooth out now. y'see, when we're in pain, we want silly things. the consequences can bother us later.

somehow, i'm wondering who will remember all this. all the words that we've spoken and share between us. the breath between us could be miles. but yes, who will remember all this? who will share your special moments? and yes, tell you things you never knew?

romanticism seems to be welling up in my soul. summer love for summer cowboys. but you don't need a special two to feel loved, remember that. it's all around..

Saturday, October 22, 2005

it's lighting the sky for some strange reasonhello. this is another entry that has somehow found its way into your daily digest. if you stare at these words any longer, i'm afraid whatever residue of your soul is left will be consumed by a tiny wormhole-like vortex. why are there so many voices around? i can't break it down when you keep telling me of how strong i'm supposed to be.

i've been listening to a particular song on repeat just to try to learn a bassline. alas it is to no avail. i just can't seem to figure it out. and its not a difficult piece at all, just simple octave shapes, but for some reason i can't make out wot's in between.

i think i've got that problem alot, i can't make out wots in between the lines. y'see, the words are so small, you really wanna shure that you've read them correctly. after many years of subjectivity, i yearn for something to be truely as it is, i don't want things to be open to interpretation anymore. after a long while, my soul is just tired of trying to figure things out. i'm only twenty three but i feel fifty. or it could just be that i didn't get a good night's sleep. or rather not enough sleep.

i wonder and wander about the creativity that is all around me. the little bursts of inspiration that the greatest artist in all time and beyond has laid to bare. and within each finite morsel of substance, there would lie something where our mortal minds and souls will never comprehend, not unless eternity sets itself in our hearts? but is that being too pompous? as much as all of us are unique, all of us are paradoxically more alike than we can imagine. and so.. if someone will take the time to explain certain things to me. i'll take some time to explain certain things to you.

Friday, October 21, 2005

i've spent a good portion of the day cleaning up my computer making room for well, i don't know, i don't like the clutter that slows my processor down. its an urban myth isn't it? hahaha.. i wouldn't know.

yeah well, its funny how life's shifting back into gear with the online, man.. it shure is a tempting place to say hello to friends, share music here and there, discuss all these grand plans that we have.

the problem is that just talking and planning online isn't gonna help in the offline world. jeepers, don't you just wish you had genie powers soemtimes? i dunno, maybe there's something in me that's just so lazy that doesn't wanna work for certain things. and yet, there are certain things in life that do give you satisfaction just because you put an effort into things.

there's no such thing as a free ride is there? i think there are some, but most things just aren't. hmmmm.. well, dunno why i was so obsessed about spring cleaning my hard drive, its actually pretty cleaned out man. all that anime that's been downloaded and collecting dust, can now make room to more music perhaps. yeah.. perhaps.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

life thru a lens of tragic fractureswell, by now i'm shure you would have noticed that i haven't really been 'here'. the truth is, i have been around the computer, its just that i decided not to jump aboard instant messengers or open my browser because work needed to be done. after a week, work still needs to be done, and i missed my friends. so thus, i have returned to blogging.

it feels as if a lot can change in a week.

it's been a rather helpful process. a bit of cold turkey for me because i was so dependent on the internet to be connected with people, to have this faux sense of being up to date and informed about wot was going on in the different spheres that we engage in, to almost believe that i belonged to a certain circle of the world.

but if there's anything i learnt, is that the virtual community is no substitute for the real community. while it helps bridge friends who are seperated by large bodies of water, you can't be online the whole day waiting for someone to come online and validate your existence. alas, forgive me if this has been taken too seriously. hahahaha

anyhow, to be at peace with oneself is truly a remarkable feeling. i wonder wot will be reported upon tomorrow?

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

it's in my head now and i can't get it outyou either love it or hate it, or share a bittersweet moment with it. for me, i've got this new electrico tune stuck in my head. it's called don't know where i'm going and if you go here and look for electrico's first video of baybeats 2005, you'll be able to watch and listen to it. don't say i didn't warn you. and if your pop sensibilities are anything like mine, you'll be singing, humming and dancing along.

*quips* did he really say that?gt seems to have updated the leeson page with a post saying that we will defintely be playing one gig in spore at least. it's probably true, because currently we're getting in touch with organisers here and there to get dates. a chance to do some new material perhaps?

although i think i did much today, i still feel very unfulfiled because i'm too slow with my assignments. i just wish it were easier to type my academic thoughts out. and the more i do this, the more i wonder if i'm really cut out for this uni buisness. don't squander your chance, a moment of weakness. hopefully a lifetime of strength.

so the launch came and went. it was alright, plenty of friends came down for a show of support and all the bands that played were great as well. apart from being tired, i had a lot of fun. it was a great stage and because of the lack of industry or scensters, we were spared some uneccessary schmoozing around. thanks to all who made it happen! (and that shirt shure looks sharp!)

Sunday, October 9, 2005

demons and angelsy'know, as i was in church this morning, i was thinking to myself, why don't demons actually convert to christianity? i mean, are they that thick in their brains that after such a long time, they still don't knwo how God moves in the spiritual realm? i mean, the bible says that demons know who Jesus is and they shudder. they know the glory of God, they know who's gonna win in the end, why don't they just change sides? or are they even allowed to?

and i don't know if this is representative of anything, but if demons can't cross over to the other side, i'm guessing that's wot its gonna be like once we've had our chance as well. once we pass away, its either heaven or hell, and when that time comes we can't cross over anymore.

i remember a pastor back in spore said once that one thing we know about hell, is that it is the absence of God. some of us might think, well.. that's a good thing ain't it? no more party pooping, no busy body trying to make my life a holy schmucky thing.

but remember wot i said about demons not being able to cross over? wot if they have that longing to cross over to the other side, but they just can't. they fear God for cryin' out loud, its the one thing that puts fear in the hearts. but because of the way it works, the time for repentence is over and now is the time for judgement and justice, and even though a God of love extends mercy, a God of justice administers justice as well.

and that longing to be with God, and you just aren't allowed in, that's the scary bit. that's wot being away from God entails, we may not know it now.. but there are is a void which only God can fill. the void of regret, and unfulfiledness, of knowing you could be somewhere else and never ever being able to get it again and be at peace witgh it because the time of repentence is over, and the time of consequence is the present eternity.

Friday, October 7, 2005

tomorrow is gig night and i'm a bit apprehensive of wot to expect. will there be a lot of people there, or will it be a washout? if there are so many people there, then there are so many expectations about us. people liking our music will be subjective, people liking us will be subjective. being popular with the local media (if any) or with the scene, will it always be at the back of our heads?

i've confided in thomas countless times, that if we wanna make it big, we have to sell out. wot entails selling out then? it loosely means making yourself marketable. because if you're marketable, you'll be able to have more media coverage as well as events coverage. so long as you fit into the agenda of the "big picture", you'll probably find yourself on a bigger stage. because the bigger your band is, the bigger venues you play. makes sense right?

so how're you different from the band you started out as anyway? you're not superhuman, you are still you.

and i guess that's wot i wanna take out and put into m a y f l e d for now. i don't wanna put in too much so that i can concentrate on a lot of other things that require more of me. wot i give to this band are my time, friendship, fun and professional services. but somehow, with me awkward time management skills.. i can't help out with more creative endeavours or marketing ploys.

which suits me fine for a bit. i just intend to rock up tomorrow, play the music i love to play and not be pressurised by the rest.

somethings you just gotta do with reckless abandon, like no one's looking or no one cares. for starters, you've gotta be honest with yourself.