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A Considered, Serious Review of Phantom Thread

A few weeks ago, before I became a world traveler, I finally got see Daniel Day-Lewis’ farewell to acting, Phantom Thread.

I had debated whether to see this film in the theater, yet had been told it was the most boring movie ever from a semi-reliable source, so I joined the public library’s waiting list. That’s why I pay my taxes, man.

So it was finally my turn to take home Phantom Thread for seven days (and if I want to keep it a day late, I only have to pay 15 cents!), and then the longest two hours and ten minutes of my life began.

Here’s a few thoughts that ran through my mind while watching this Oscar-nominated (slim pickings, I guess?) film:

How much time has gone by? Only…two minutes?

Is Daniel Day-Lewis really going to quit acting? After this? Why? Why did he choose to make this movie? Why is he choosing retirement? Because his ability to choose worthwhile projects has gone out the window?

How much longer?

Most quotable line? “You have no breasts.” Oooh, romance.

Why are these two people attracted to each other?

What is the point of this movie?

How. Much. LONGERRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why is that crazy drunk lady who wants DDL to design her wedding dress look and sound familiar? Oh good, an excuse to get on Google, pass some time…

Bebe from Frasier! “It’s not like she worships the devil.” “She doesn’t have to, HE worships HER!!!!” Dang, I could watch like 8 episodes of Frasier in the time I will be watching this movie and be infinity times more entertained…

Oh my gosh, this is painful.

How much longer?!!!

Why was this movie critically claimed? Just…why?

Just…what a total waste of time, man. Would not recommend. Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. All the thumbs in the world down.

That is my serious and considered review of Phantom Thread. Sorry if you also wasted two hours and ten minutes of your life watching this film and then actually liked it. You may want to see a doctor about that. (Don’t offended, okay. Just concerned for your health and it’s called HYPERBOLE.)

It was the most disappointing and depressing two hours and ten minutes of my life. (I guess I’m not done yet.) The weight of this disappointment increases tenfold when you realize that a talented actor like Daniel Day Lewis (and yes, his acting is fine in the film) is done acting. This–this sad excuse of a movie–is it. It is like that moment when you’re watching Kiefer Sutherland being interviewed about playing Jack Bauer on 24 and you realize…he’s not really Jack Bauer, he’s just Kiefer Sutherland. I know you’ve all been there. (And if you haven’t, you should let Jack Bauer change your life.) A really sobering and disheartening moment.