Sandwich Generation, Expat-style

Recently I caught up with a couple expat friends, enjoying koffie while sharing the latest on comings and goings.

Spring is in the air, along with blooming trees, blossoming flowers and plants, and the necessary but dreaded pollen.

Students are getting antsy, ready to break free of their daily grind (oh, if they only knew!) of classes, course review/revising and exams. High school seniors in particular chomp at the bit to graduate and enjoy a taste of summer before starting university, career paths or ‘gap year’ in far-flung places.

It’s also that time of year when many expats working for governments, businesses and international organizations learn where the next assignment will take them.

That is, unless bureaucratic uncertainty and waffling economies intervene as they are wont to do, throwing the entire ‘process’ into turmoil and year-round confusion as I wrote late last summer in Uncertainty of Expat Life.

Conversation ranged from who was leaving and when, summer plans for those who were staying, and which children were graduating and the pending impact on the familial unit.

‘Empty nest looming for Anna. Her youngest heads off to uni this year.’

‘No, Roger and Ulrike negotiated a one-year extension so that their middle child can finish high school here.’

‘We’re trying to combine Sarah’s college visits with my mother’s 80th birthday celebration while seeing as many friends and family as we can in X number of days.’

But I also noticed other news creeping in.

‘Well, they want to head back home since Rosalind’s father is so ill, but Roberto hasn’t been able to work out a transfer.’

‘Johanna extended her trip as her mother’s taken a turn for the worse. She isn’t sure when she’ll be back.’

Welcome to the sandwich generation.

It isn’t anything new: people everywhere must deal with competing needs and claims on time and attention (not to mention attendant costs) from their children and other younger family members on the one hand and their parents and older generations on the other.

Add distance into the equation and it becomes more challenging. Put countries, continents, cultures and time zones into the mix and it becomes even more difficult.

I’ve learned this firsthand with Son back in the US, about to finish his first year of college. Parenting from afar is something that many have to wrestle with, as I continually remind myself.

Preparing them to leave the nest is what we do if our children are to go out and find their way in the world. I remember my own college years vividly, and I always valued my parents’ emotional support far more than their financial support (although the latter was certainly appreciated).

So no guilt trips or emotional blackmail here. Just love and support, answers to questions posed, the occasional cautionary tale and perhaps a smidgeon of advice and a suggestion or two.

Husband and I have always sworn we would never be the kind of parents who, wittingly or not, live through their children. I think we’re doing a fairly good job. Besides, we’re each given only one go around in life, so what better way to model living a full, varied, productive and contributive life than to do just that?

Still, at times it’s easier said than done. Especially when the tug is on the other end.

Aging parents present new issues to be worked through, tough choices to be made. Is it your imagination or are they becoming more forgetful? Illness, disease and medical maladies start to appear, and each time you’re grasping for information and making mental calculations: should I go now or wait to see how the situation progresses?

You can’t do everything, be everywhere, see everybody. They want you to come home for a particular holiday, anniversary or christening and you have to say no because you’re thinking of so-and-so’s wedding next year or being there for someone’s upcoming chemotherapy.

And sometimes you can’t even be there for those.

Juggling expectations and emotions is never easy.

Scholarly squabbling aside, Heraclitus of Ephesus is generally credited with the saying ‘the only constant in life is change’.

Like many, we’re dealing with this with Husband’s and my parents, trying to make the best choices and do the right things, prepare for emergencies while missing lesser (but no less stressful) developments.

And as it is with many families, it puts the onus on our siblings to help keep us apprised and in the loop, updated with behind-the-scenes assessments and important details.

We’re in that murky soup where visits on both sides are being postponed or moved up, schedules rearranged, further changes in plans contemplated.

My goodness – I know exactly what you mean. You feel that you want to cut yourself into several pieces so that you can satisfy everyone and look after everyone’s interests. We also decided we weren’t going to live through our “one son” (now living in London while we are in Jamaica) – although we really miss him and love him so much. We just have one elderly parent left now (my mother in law, who is living here but becomes more demanding and difficult every day! She is in her eighties so it’s understandable…) But we have been there, done that. And you have your own life too – just remember that! It doesn’t belong to everyone else… Don’t worry, it will work out somehow. But don’t let it stress you out.

Thank you Emma. It is challenging, but at the same time we understand that it comes with the privilege of having family. So many in this world do not. But I don’t pretend that it is always easy… You know firsthand what I mean

I really enjoy your blog and the various topics. this one especially touches home from personal and professional experiences. Recently had to miss a funeral due to some difficult timing and trying to keep up with young nieces via Skype but not the same as being there.

Professionally, I am a geriatric social worker and have talked to many, many “sandwich generationers” over the years, trying to make it all fit and do their best. We have many clients who live at a distance from aging parents (or aunts, uncles, etc.), but it is made even more challenging for those who are especially far away or overseas. We did a lot of coordinating on behalf of a son who was several continents away, especially advocating with local providers and straightening out what was going on with a complex medical situation that suffered from lack of coordination.

Geriatric care managers can be a great resource for those situations, being your “eyes and ears”, knowing where to turn for help and giving some input in to things like when to visit or see how things progress. There’s big peace of mind having someone there you can trust who can keep you in the loop (and thank goodness for technology–helps keep it all connected more easily). It doesn’t eliminate the stresses, but it might be a worthwhile resource to check out for some in this situation. A daughter of one client of ours summarized it best in a letter to us and her main point was that having a professional to help provided her the opp. to spend “daughter time” with Mom when in town rather than simply rushing from task to task.

Thanks for an insightful article on a topic that strikes home for many of us.

Why thank you Shannon. I really appreciate your reading and commenting, and know the challenges you face as a geriatric social worker. It’s difficult work but does indeed bring its own opportunities to make a positive difference in the lives of your elderly patients and their families.

We have engaged such services for Husband’s late father and his mother in her current situation, and they are truly invaluable. They even helped tip off potential fraud that ended up being carried out by a geriatric care manager (also private sector) hired by the government of the state in which my mother-in-law resides. It is pathetic how people will take advantage of others. You must be cautious, continually ask questions and monitor reports, get continual feedback, visit whenever possible and arrange for face-to-face meetings, check credentials, and so on.

So true! That’s one of the tough challenges of being away and so sad that there is so much fraud as well as incompetence out there. Unfortunately, I have too many stories to even begin to share here.

I hope you don’t mind me sharing, but thought these might be a couple good resources for others “caring from a distance”:

We created a “fact sheet” that might be a good resource for families caring for elders, regarding “concerns about hired help”. It doesn’t cover all the types of fraud etc. that can occur, but we created it after helping one nephew who’s aunt had gotten in to a real nightmare with hired caregivers. He faced the challenge of feeling something wasn’t quite right, but wasn’t sure how much to intervene…so we’ve shared some of those subtle signs and resources/options: http://info.agingwisely.com/do-you-have-concerns-about-who-is-taking-care-of-your-parents/

Expats know how important it is to be organized with documents etc. so a good start is this document locator list: http://www.agingwisely.com/document-locator-list/. There are some great online health/personal record keeping programs, which are great for expats themselves, as well as to manage caregiving/help a parent coordinate their medical care.