the UK newspaper that's actually about UK

Month: January 2016

Gingerbread Ingredients: ½ cup, or seven sticks, butter. Microwave until soft, then suck until hard. ½ cup dark brown sugar. Should be dark enough that it might be mistaken for a criminal if it were to stroll harmlessly down the street in Ferguson, Missouri. 3 cups corn syrup—I don’t actually know what corn syrup is… Read More The Colonel’s Favorite Gingerbread House Recipe

Thanksgiving Reports of Aaron Rodgers Swearing on Live Mic After Missed Snap Deemed False; Audio Confirmed to Actually be the Collective Consciousness of Enraged Fantasy Football Owners, YOU CLUMSY MOTHERFUCKER YOU DO THIS FOR A LIVING – HOW ARE YOU NOT USED TO TAKING GODDAMN SNAPS? Local Granny Performs Clean Sweep at International Shot-Put Competition… Read More News In Brief: All The Sports That’s Fit To Sports

A Conversation With The Colonel Why hello there, sweetheart. Here at the UK Colonel, we like to say that we “safeguard the status quo,” and in my position as Colonel, I personally make sure that that quo doesn’t go to any parties with questionable figures, wearing miniature-skirts or somesuch. It has come to my attention… Read More Education For Young Ladies: Regarding The Fruitfulness Of Their Wombs

RAMALLAH, PALESTINE– Last month, noted historian and Israeli prime minister Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu released research on the history of the great tragedy that led to the creation of the State of Israel. Bibi’s research declared that Palestinians had been responsible for planting the idea of the Holocaust in Hitler’s mind in the 1930s. More recently,… Read More Palestine’s Secret – Mrs. Netanyahu Reveals!

LEXINGTON, KY– Students have wondered for literal years about the real purpose behind all of the construction taking place at the University of Kentucky, and now, thanks to some Very Legal Sneaky Spying—er, reporting—on the part of our writers, all has finally been revealed. As our star reporter crouched behind a pile of rubble with… Read More Capilouto Destroys Campus To Dig For Treasure

Good day to you. My name is Reverend Yellerond McGee, but you can call me Yelly. I’ve seen you around campus—I don’t know if you’ve noticed me, but I’m the one with the loudspeaker, the 1/10-scale Model of Hell, and the bucket of Christ’s blood with which to spatter the Heathens. You see, I usually… Read More Editorial From Reverend Yellerond “Yelly” McGee

LEXINGTON, KY– On Thursday, The Official UK Textbook-Related Announcements Administration announced, among other things, that they would be requiring a new edition of Calculus textbooks for the coming semester. This has sparked complaints among students who don’t fully understand the true value of knowledge. These students have complained that now they will have to spend… Read More Students Care More About Money Than The Joy of Knowledge

LEXINGTON, KY– In a grand display of kindness and community, local raptor Hank Hawk is now offering his superb flying services to all squirrels, chipmunks, small birds, and rabbits across campus. Though the bird has tried to keep his nonprofit operation under wraps, our reporters have discovered that the free trips, which have been going… Read More Raptor’s Free Rides Cause Dissension In Local Woodland Creature Community

FRANKFORT, KY– This November, Kentuckians turned out to polls in the thousands hundreds ones in order to elect the next governor of Kentucky. This surging trickle of voters eager to actually participate in the democratic process chose Matt Bevin as Kentucky’s newest governor. Yes, out of the three candidates of Matt Bevin, Jack Conway, and… Read More Bevin Wins Governor’s Race, Fixes Kentucky

LEXINGTON, KY– Aramark has released its fourth-quarter report at long last, letting investors (and, less intentionally, students) see the company’s success at meeting this semester’s goals for UK Dining. According to the report, one of the largest failures of UK Dining over the fall 2015 semester was the inability to keep up with the goals… Read More UK Dining Experiences Mixed Success With Projected Student Mortality Rates