What to Do When You Find Out Your Child’s Been Watching Porn

What should you do? Well, besides cry? It’s devastating to realize that the child you’ve prayed for, taught the Scriptures to, and tried so hard to protect has been looking at degrading and dehumanizing filth.

You’re not alone. Nearly all boys are exposed to porn before they are eighteen and the vast majority of them, long before that. When we first started talking about this, most of the parents we talked to that were dealing with this had 15- or 16-year-olds. Now we commonly hear from parents with children as young as seven to nine.

Although you’ve got plenty of company, how you handle it makes a huge difference in what happens in the future. Some parents blow it off as “boys will be boys,” but as Christians we know this kind of sin is displeasing to God. Other parents go postal, making their kids think they’ve done something that can’t be forgiven and has ruined their lives, but that’s not true. We’ve got to hit the Biblical balance of taking it seriously, but pointing them to the hope that is in Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of sins. Here’s help to do that.

1. Pray. You are going into battle for your child’s soul. Don the armor of God. Get your heart right with Him. The problem is not between you and your son, even though he’s likely disobeyed you. The problem is between your son and God. That’s way more serious.

2. Remember that you are a sinner, too. When we rebuke our children, we would do well to bring to mind Romans 3:12, “All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.” We can’t approach them as the righteous judge, because we aren’t. It helps to have some humility here.

3. Confront the sin in love. Sit down with your child in a private place and calmly confront them with what you’ve found out. Reassure them beforehand of your love and care for them. Confront them with a concerned attitude, not a furious one. Remember, they need to realize they’ve sinned against God, not just made you mad.

4. Expect lies and deception and do not waver. Sexuality is a private matter. On top of that, we have a tendency to hide our sin. Add the two together and a child who’s never lied to you before will look you in the eye and say, “I have no idea what you are talking about. It must have been my brother.”

At that point, we would suggest you say something like this, “Son, that may be so, but we are seeing some warning signs that you are playing with a very dangerous sin. Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” That’s serious. That means looking at porn is breaking one of the Ten Commandments. I am so worried about you!”

5. Give him time to respond to the Holy Spirit and repent. Often kids will lie adamantly when you first approach them, but if you give them time to think about it, the Holy Spirit will convict them and they will confess and repent. You might say, “Son, I am so concerned about you that I think you’d better reconsider your response. I’d like for you to go to your room for a while and consider this. If you’ve gotten into porn, yes, you’ll be in trouble, of course, but we’ll help you, too. We’ll help you get out of it and get right with God.” Then leave him alone for a couple of hours.

6. Explain the consequences of this sin.

Legal Dangers – Kids need to understand that looking at pictures of girls their own age undressed is a felony.

Lust is never satisfied – Snowballs into Perversion – Over 60% of teens have seen homosexual sex and over 80% have seen group sex online. Really. Check out the latest porn stats at the (We’re affiliates!) Covenant Eyes site.

Job Loss – Messing with this stuff can not only lose a young man a job in the future, it can lose his dad’s job now, like the father who had a ten year old accessing porn from Dad’s laptop. He nearly got him fired.

Hurts your future wife – Research is showing that young men have learned from porn to believe that women enjoy pain and humiliation, which they do not. Watching this stuff can mess up your future marriage.

May make it hard or impossible to win that wife – Remind your son that one day the father of the beautiful lady he wants to marry may ask him about his experience with porn.

This is fornication and adultery, make no mistake! This is the crux of the matter. It’s sin. It’s serious sin. He needs to repent.

7. Intervene! Porn is addictive. When people watch porn, because they can watch so much in so short a period of time, their bodies release more dopamine (a pleasure hormone) than is possible in real life. That begins shutting down the dopamine receptors, which means you have to watch more or worse to get the same thrill. Before long, you are physically addicted. You’ve got to consider a porn user to be like an alcoholic. They will want a fix!

Get accountability on every single internet-capable device in your home. Now! You can use any manner of things, but we love Covenant Eyes because it’s customizable by the individual user and reports are quick and easy to read. We’re affiliates, so your membership supports our ministry, as well. Try it and get 30 days free.

Keep them with you. We call this intense discipleship. That means that they have to be with an adult at all times. Think alcoholic.

Take away internet access for a time.

Remind them that it often takes 3-6 months or more to break this habit.

8. Get them back in the battle. Explain the gospel. Jesus died on the cross, taking the punishment for our sins, so that we could be forgiven of stuff like this. Repent (be sorry for your sin and forsake it) and believe. If Satan can’t keep them in the sin, he wants to convince them that they are ruined forever. Sorry, but the Bible says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

There really is hope that a young man can forsake this sin and seek righteousness! We’ve written a book for young men in their teens and twenties to help them do that. You can get a copy here.

Your friends,

Hal & Melanie

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3 responses to “What to Do When You Find Out Your Child’s Been Watching Porn”

I agree with you 100% on this, and I am not trying to take issue with what you are saying, but there is more to this. I grew up in a secular home, Yes, we knew of God, but that was it. I remember getting the SI Swimsuit edition in an Easter basket as a younger teen. Yes, the Internet is a big huge part of this issue for boys, BUT, TV billboards, school, and church are all part of this issue. I am in my mid 40’s and I see things in fashion and culture that were all but “porn” when i was a kid, that are mainstream and accepted now. pay attention to the next Victoria’s Secret commercial that comes on tv. The way society has changed is not healthy for Males or Females. My Wife and I have tried to find modest clothing that is trendy for your daughter, and if you are doing the same, Good Luck!

We have software filters on the computers, and there are no smartphones in the house (I work in I.T. and see how people get with them, so No Thanks) but this is like any other guardrail. Yes it keeps you from wrecking right now, and Yes, we explain things from scripture to our sons, but he’s 14, oops, shiny thing,. or cute blond thing,. and out the window it goes. What we have found to be the best information is passing along our experiences and earned knowledge, not just bible words. I married way too young because she was pregnant, and that came with a divorce after 2 years at 23. My older boys know the story and understand it.

the software is all well and good,. but what happens when they leave home for school and do not have these imposed guardrails? look at it this way, what makes you drive slower, the speed limit sign or the horrible crash on the side of the road with lights sirens and carnage sitting there for you to see??

If we don’t teach our boys, how can they handle it any better as Men??

Patrick, you are right that we have to do way more than put software on all the devices and think we’re good. And you’re right that this isn’t a new sin — you can tell that looking at the wall paintings of Pompeii! We do think that internet safety is a big piece of it because so much more and worse is available than it was when we were kids and it was mainly print stuff you had to deal with. The ability to watch multiple movies in a few minutes has made this stuff a lot more addictive. That said, we have got to help them develop an inward desire to seek righteousness, because if they are determined to sin, it’s not hard to find a way!

Wanting to be more proactive, than reactive to this epidemic, we read the book Good Pictures, Bad Pictures with our sons before the teen years. There are too many kids out there with smart phones and access to porn (as well as the media’s influence), than we as parents can filter. Just as we should be teaching them about their bodies and sexuality from a biblical perspective using age appropriate vocabulary, I believe this book helps start the specific discussion of pornography in a manner that opens the door for further discussion any time it’s needed, which is vital. Just as we teach our children not to smoke because of the health hazards and destruction to our temples, it is inexcusable that we do not do the same for pornography which has health hazards, too.
Most of us do not even know what they are-we didn’t! Wanting to raise godly men, who will one day become the spiritual leaders of their homes, made us want to address this issue before it was stumbled upon. We highly recommend it.