How do get my husband to realize he needs help?

My husband is on 50 mcg of Duragesic, valium 5-10 mg 3x/day & 3 Norco a day. He buys xanax & takes it daily (not as much as the opiates but still not prescribed) & worst of all,buys & takes 15+ Loricet (on top of the 3 Norco making ~18 breakthrough drugs a day). He knows this is a problem but he feels the pain is so great he has no other alternative. He says he's not an addict as there's a differance between an addict & someone in pain who is undermedicated. He dismisses non-drug related alternatives. He used to suffer from daily migraines until his Dr. discovered a severe vitamin D difficiency & he no longer takes migraine meds. He says he's waiting for a Dr. To discover something like that to cure his neck pain & he will at that point stop/go to rehab if he must. I am familiar with drug addiction as I once had a fairly serious addiction to Loricet but I was taking it for it's mood altering affects. He says his meds have no effect on his mood that when he's without them or doesn't have enough he's cranky bc he's HURTING & anyone would be like that. He has a different motive for his consumption therefore disreguards the majority of my suggestions. He fears the pain. I've seen him off the meds (only loricet at that point) and he was still in a significant amount of pain. Because most of his joints are significantly hypermobile he diagnosed himself w/Ehlers-Danlos syndrome as this pain/hypermobility does run in his family. The Dr's agreed to the possibility but sometimes I think it was because they were reaching for an answer. He's had every test in the book & been to every type of specialist out there. He will not be honest with his pain management Dr. I don't wanna take measures to have him cut off bc I do think a good portion of he pain is real. We're losing everything even our house due to financial strain. He cannot hold a job due to a combination of fluxuating drug supply, pain & drug side affects. He says he's one of those people who just need the meds & longs to live painfree, what's so wrong with that? He says he can't hold a job entirely bc of the Ehlers-Danlos. I can't decifer how much of that is accurate anymore. I love him so much but if this continues he will die. I work 90 hr work weeks to support our household & I'm tired. My 5 year old is being mentally affected. Please someone tell me what to do. I haven't been able to find another person's story thats similar enough to mine to relate wth completly. I'm scared. He's convinced this is his only option & has told me if need be I don't have to agree with him & he will stand alone & fight this battle for those who are undermedicated & denied meds to assist with them living a "normal" & "quality" life. This is not normal or quality. How do you tell someone you may just have to live with pain? How do you expect someone to cope with that? How can I deny him relief? I know the definition of someone wo enables. I know I enable him by allowing the extra drug buying but again how humane is it to deny him relief? What is real? I have made a commitment to stand beside him no matter what but we are going down so fast. Please someone... advise me with a mind of compassion & not judgement. I've had my fair share of that. Thank you.

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Anonymous28 May 2012

Hello HopeDespite. Tough question to answer. You are both in pain. Is it possible for him to get more medication to help his pain from a perscribing phyisician. Can he apply for disability for his diagnosis? If the doctors are all on the same page on that point, that is a major hurdle. I understand your concerns, as anyone reading your thread would. pledge

How is he getting away with this? Doesn't his pain management dr do drug tests? He's wrong, he's an addict. Yes he has pain, and yes he needs treatment, but not from as much as he's taking. Addiction causes pain too, and Patti can explain the pain receptor thing better, but the more he takes, the more his tolerance, the less help he's getting. I would think his best bet would be to go to rehab and get off this stuff, then follow what the pain management dr says. The definition of addiction is that you take the medication, regardless of the consequences, and not having a job and loosing your house are some darn good consequences to be disregarding. His idea of quality of life certainly isn't the same as mine. I think keeping a roof over your head ranks pretty high in the needs for good quality of life.

He isn't fighting any battle for those of us who are undermedicated, he's proving the governments argument that we are all addicts, making it harder on us, not easier. If I were you I'd tell him he either goes to rehab or gets out of the house if you want it, if not you take the child and leave before the child has permanent damage. Supporting him is just enabling him.

I agree Kaismama,Pattishan needs to get in on this to explain the production of more mu receptors in the brain screaming for more opiates. If no one has yet, I'll run up a flag... Peace to one and all,Sweet Hippie Chickie

My husband is doing the same thing same excuses my story and yours are almost identical but the one thing that I've done is told him it's either me or the drug he wanted to go last night and get more and I told him that if he did I would be gone he has a bad attitude but I'd rather have a bad attitude and keep my house on my jewelry is in the pond shop but I put my foot down and I meant it my husband was on 15 to 20 todayI wish you the best sincerely Gina

You don't, at least not for now. Right now YOU need help. Yes, living with an addict is a learned skill and the skills are available through your local Al Anon. I encourage you to look them up and get going right away.

The support, fellowship, compassion, confidentiality (among other things) will help you to be grounded, not alone and be the best thing in his world. So standing beside him means doing everything you can for yourself, and Al Anon is exactly what you need. I know this from experience and I've been on both sides of this fence. You will learn to define your role in his life in a way that will ultimately help him more than you could ever imagine or do on your own.

If you need help getting this going, or just need support you can contact me any time an I will do everything I can.. It's not selfish, it like when you fly and they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before helping others. Hope this helps.

First let me say that he is overdosing on the Norco and Loricet both of which contain the opiate, hydrocodone, and acetaminophen. Not only is he overdosing on the hydrocodone but also on the acetaminophen which is damaging his liver and kidneys. Secondly, he is risking you and your son's well being by buying drugs on the streets. Think of the cost if he were to get busted. Thirdly, he is on a relatively low dose of Duragesic (fentanyl). If it were me, I would be honest with the prescribing doctor explaining that the present regieme is not working for the pain. Then I would face the fact that I have an addiction problem on top of a chronic pain problem. He is using the "fight for the undermedicated" as an excuse to fuel his addiction. Once you start taking more medication than the recommended maximum amount, regardless of what the doctor prescribed, it is addiction. Being supportive of him is admirable, watching him kill himself is well... cowardly.

Not trying to be mean, just want to encourage you to face reality and continue to be honest with him. Addiction is a family disease, affecting everyone in the family including the children. Get help asap, go to Nar anon meetings. You can google "Nar anon" and find meetings near your location. It would be a step in the right direction.

Hope,I feel so bad for you. Laurie explained it all as well as I could. Pattishan is a good resource person on this site. She, like Laurie, have a lot of experience between the two of them. Dzoo is another that can help a lot.

The Fentanyl he is on is a low dose. Is he changing patches every third day or every other day. The thing he should be worried about as far as the PM doc goes is testing dirty. He needs to be upfront with PM doc, say his pain is getting worse. There are right ways to get meds, the legal way.

As far as his liver and kidneys go, he is risking damaging them both past the point of no return with the amount of acetaminophen or tylenol that is mixed in with Norco and Lortabs. That's really a big problem. If he is as sick as he says he is, ought to be able to get disability, still won't help much if he's getting drugs off the street. You are between a rock and a very hard place.

Look up the definition of addiction, dependence and tolerance. From what you have related here, he is an addict. I'm sorry if you don't want to hear that, but sometimes the truth hurts, but the truth is always best, in my opinion. If most of the family income is spent in the procurement of drugs... that is one aspect of the definition of addiction. He definately needs help to get his drug use under control since he won't listen to you. As betraying as it sounds, an intervention may be the best way to handle this situation before he accidentally overdoses, loses the house, job, and everything he holds dear in his life. But that is all up to you and what's best for your family. It's a heartbreaking decision for you. Something will make the decision for you. What would you do if got caught getting drugs off the street and goes to jail. Withdrawals are really nasty, I went thru 5 days worth two weeks ago after I was able to taper way down on my meds. In jail, he won't get that chance. Cold turkey is rough and dangerous.

I am in no way judging you or your husband. Just trying to open your eyes before it's all taken out of your hands. Addiction to drugs or alcohol ruin families. I just want you to know there is help for you here. You need to take care of you and your child. It's hard. When I faced a situation like yours, no way as bad as I wasn't afraid of losing my house, husband worked every day, there were still addiction issues. I moved him away from my cherished children. But that was my decision. Everyone makes their own...

Well now this a very good case for tough love. Madam take you child and move to a friends or to your Mother's if she's living. If you must get a protective order in case, because right now you don't know what he will do when you move out so be ready with a PO. Do not let your husband see you or the child . He either will sober up or die. I'm sorry but any treatment center will tell you the same thing. saucerman

hi hope,the first thing i'm gonna ask you is to stop giving him money to buy drugs and pay your bills. You may not know it but the only way he is gonna get help for himself is if you stop helping him.his doctors are the ones who should be controling his pain,not him and deffinitly not you.I know what its like to be in pain and under medicated as well as over medicated.either way it must be killing the both of you.all he's gotta do is get in trouble with the law and he is back to square 1.do his doctors know what he looks like in pain or does he go to them after he's taken extra pain pills? he's has to talk to his doctors and come clean with them without getting himself kicked out of pain management.tell him to start out slow and write down what he needs to say to his doctors.I'll friend you and tell you a true story that I am going through myself.

and belive me if your love for each other is stroung enough to withstand you both can make this work.belive me,I dont have all or maybe even any of the answers your looking for,but I can feel both your pain. One thing I am sure of is you came to the right place for help. there are a lot of people right here who know and live your story everyday... subzero58... pete

He needs to be honest with his Drs. Opioid therapy should HELP a persons functioning. If he is spending all his time and resources on obtaining more medication to the expense of his job and his house then he is teetering on (or completely falling down) the addiction hole. If he is truly undermedicated, the best thing would be to tell the Dr he cant funtion on his current dose. The Dr should raise his Fentanyl, not the breakthroughs. He needs to STICK to what the Dr orders! If he is having pseudoaddiction, as he claims, he should function better once he gets more medication. If his behaviors dont change or get worse then he has a problem. An addict will just keep wanting more and more and their functioning gets worse not better. I dont think psuedo addiction is his problem because, even though he is obtaining all this extra pain medicine, he doesnt seem to be funtioning any better with the extra.

It is difficult to deal with someone like this because HE doesnt think he has a problem yet. You need to go to some Alanon mtgs so you begin to have the tools you need to stop enabling him. The best thing for him would be to see an addictions specialist who is also in pain management. I have no doubt your husband has legit pain. An addictions specialist can treat his pain but he will also control his addictive behaviors. Sometimes people like your husband need to hit rock bottom before they will get help for themselves. It is a tough situation for you. I think Alanon will help you obtain the tools that you need to deal with this. I think you are going to require help. It may even take a family intervention with those in the family he has respect for. Do you have family members who are seeing these behaviors who might be willing to help?

I't going to make my response short and sweet! I was an addict for years! I started on pills, (oxycontin, percocet, vicodin, etc..I knew all of the lies and tricks to talk my fiance into believing that I wasn't an "addict" I am in "Pain" he is lieing to you! he is using the fact that you love him and care about him so that you will continue to let him use and HELP him use!! HE NEEDS REHAB NOW!!!

Hi HopeDespite,all the of comment are good advice,so I dont have anything to add except I agree w/them and I feel for you darlin.Take care of yourself and your child/children.Do whats best for the family as a whole.I am a recovering addict myself(clean 10 years now) and while in my addiction... It was all about me,me,me... Good luck doll,I'll be praying for you and yours.Tina from Texas

My friend I'm so sorry you are going through this. First off I lived with a husband addict in denial for 17 years and its in my answer threads if you would like to add me. I made the choice to go after being shot in the back for taking my own medicine and not giving it to him. I lived a horrific life as did my children. If you would like to PQ me feel free as I am struggling today to write but would love to listen or maybe try to help you in some way. My love stretched so far I didn't see reality anymore and the 3 jobs I worked and stress turned into PTSD. I have survived this and you can too. My love & heart goes out to you. Angel

This is a subject that I don't take lightly and a story that I don't share easily. But my heart goes out to your child so I will. My father was an alcoholic. I can't remember a time when he wasn't. He was also a good man and a good father. Sounds contradictory, huh? He was never physically abusive in any way. But he could drop little comments that would cut like a knife. Some of which I can remember 20, 30+ years later. Things he would never have said had he been sober, things that would have made him cringe with shame had he known that he hurt me. Growing up this way colored me and my relationships all my life. I have a difficult time allowing anyone to get close. If they don't know me down deep, they can't say any of those things that cut straight through to the soul. If I don't let them get close then they can't exhibit behaviors that hurt or frighten me. And yes, if I'm with someone that has a few too many, I become very uncomfortable and usually find a way to go home, especially if I'm on a date. And you can bet that guy never gets a second chance. That's not very fair and I freely admit that, but that's the way it is. The least guy that did that I had been dating for 3 months. I really, really liked him, but I just couldn't get past it even though I tried. My mom died 13 years ago. She was always my buffer and after she died I had a really hard time being alone with my dad when it got close to dinner time. Because before dinner was cocktail hour. Later in life my dad rarely had more than 1 or 2 glasses of wine, but it didn't matter. That nervousness and anxiety was so deeply ingrained in me that it was almost like torture to sit there and talk or watch the news if there wasn't someone else there with us. I hate myself for that. My dad passed away 2 years ago and I miss him more than I can say. I was always "his girl" and he was always my hero. And in other than that one area, he's still the one that I measure all men by. But like I've said, his alcoholism has affected me all my life and it continues to this day.So please don't let your little one grow up in the shadow of their father's addiction. If he won't get help, leave. If you can't do it for yourself, than please do it for your child. I realize how harsh that sounds, but you're listening to the voice of someone that's lived with addiction. My dad loved us with all his heart and I know that had he been faced with the choice of living with us and no alcohol or without us and with alcohol, he would have chosen us. He was just never forced to make that choice.God bless you and your family.Lisa

The only part I can add here is if you had to make a decision on who to choose: a) child b) husband, I don't know if you could do that. Somehow I think you would still try to make it all work out. It isn't going to be like that in the end. Your child will suffer greatly if he loses his father and your husband may just wake up one day and realize he lost his family. At least he can still wake up.

I would take you and your child away from this situation and not enable your husband's drug frenzy any more. In reading your post you sounded like you were fighting for your husband's right to get pain medication any way he can. That is just wrong and if he tests "dirty" on a surprise urine test he is going to get his butt kicked out of that practice and then what??? He will be all over you like a fly on flypaper to be able to get his relief only from the streets... and you could lose everything! Your husband runs the risk of getting assaulted somewhere every time he goes out to buy. You need to make decisions now before the bad ones are made for you.

I know you love your son. I believe another poster mentioned an "intervention". I believe you are at that point right now. Not one more day needs to go by before you have your child's best interest in mind. Do you have a relative that you can send your child to??? Do you have separate finances from your husband??? If you don't you do need to do that. If he loses his doctor he will bleed you dry! He shouldn't have access to money or a bank account at this time. I am sorry for being harsh... reality is a tough one. Love your child and do the right thing. Your husband may be at the point that without his drugs he could do some real harm to you or his child because he isn't thinking clearly. Believe me when I tell you... it could get ugly...

He sounds like my deceased brother-in-law. I hope you caught the word "deceased". In one of his frenzies... he tried to shoot my sister but was so high and drunk that he missed her(he told her he had a surprise for her) and I swear she got carried out of that house on the wings of angels because he kept shooting at things that weren't there. By the time the police were involved because of the shooting... it was just about too late. When he thought the swat team was going to kill him... he shot himself - twice.

So that is the ugly way to go. Dead is final and way to late to beat yourself up over the choices you could have made. Please don't let your child see how ugly it could get.

I wish you well and I wish you hope for a better life with your husband and child... one that doesn't include a drug addict in the midst.

If you would like to "friend" me... like others have offered to support you... I will be happy to give you that support as well. I am a lot more supportive than maybe this response sounds. I don't sugar-coat anything and said it as bluntly as I could for your benefit... not meant to piss you off.

May the loving arms of our Lord surround you... protect you and your family and give you the courage, strength and guidance to step aside so that your husband can get the help he needs... with or without you and your child. You can save your child from being a victim of this tragedy... please don't let your child witness any more of this. You may think your child is too young to understand... I tell you that is a lie. Your child sees and hears more than you think.

One up for both and all here, I'm so glad I joined this group. The outlet and support offered here is just.. how do I explain it, phenomenal!When you are ready, when you need us we will be here. It's Damn hard to go but even worse to stay. Take steps toward your plan.. to stay or go, get family involved esp if you stay. Put yourself and your children first.. to hell with the old way to stay. There is life beyond all the misery. God never said lifes road would be easy, he gave us skill to think and act for ourselves. He did promise in the end it would be worth our time to fight and get through our challenges. I want to pray for you that all these things in your life are fulfilled for your happiness and that God and an army of Angels reach into your heart and know how powerful you are. Be strong to stay, be strong to go and know that you have the power to change anything happening to you.

I never knew how strong I was.. I was afraid too.. but strong as a parent as a person and as my own advocate til I was 2 months out of that house and hidden within my friends in a entirely new county and had money and relief you cannot imagine.

Thank you, Lisa... I only hope this person is "ready" and "willing" to do what is necessary... Support and prayers are in order here, I believe. This is going to be a battle whichever route she chooses.

You're both right. It's so hard for all concerned. I was just talking to my friend who's ex just OD'd Thursday night for the 2nd time on her pain meds. She died twice that night and they managed to revive her, but had to put her on a ventilator. Now she's in both heart and renal failure, but breathing on her own. They're looking at having to start dialysis if her functions don't improve in 48 hours. Her kids are 18 and 16 and its tearing them apart. The first time she took 120 lortabs in one day. God only knows what she got her hands on this time. Of course it was the 16 yr old that walked in and found her. How does a parent do that to their child? Most of us here suffer from chronic pain everyday, but I'd rather have no relief from it ever than to get to the state where one of my kids has to walk in the house and find me like that.Lisa

You are doing fine with your support now. You can only do what you are capable of doing using this venue - the internet - as a forum. It is tough and hard to get a good fix or read on people sometimes. You are doing just fine with the support you are offering... don't worry about it. Just know that what you offer in love... is lovingly accepted by those who take it.

And, I too believe this community is awesome!!!

Blessings for us all with hope for a better road to travel tomorrow...

Lisa I am so sorry to hear that. My ex husband used to steal mine and take the entire bottle.. OD' several times.. I had my hysterectomy and had been home 2 days.. I had 3 c- sections so my surgery was through the same scars. He started giving me like 1-2 I thought well he understands I cannot walk and was in severe pain because I left the hospital early, after 1 day because he took an entire bottle of Ambien. Anyway back to my 1-2, pills I thought he might feel bad for putting me through having to leave early and was gonna share my medication with me. I was almost dead wrong.. I realized after finding the bottle of 60 (only 5 left) I took one as I hadn't been able to get up for the pain, I turned to look behind me and seen the 410 shotgun in his hand and stepped to try to run and was shot (scatter) in the left upper back below my blade through my left arm. He walked away as I crawled away to hide. My children in the other room were 3 & 6.

I was so terrified I didn't realize my injuries Honestly I felt cold and numb. I yelled for them and said go to bed. Night night for mommy ok. Crying. I will never ever forget the look on my girls faces. He would not let me leave to be treated. I called my church pastor she used to be a nurse brung supplies and cared for me several days til I could manage myself. Get help! Get help for u and your children and if you want to stay make this situation known to your neighbors and family and friends who will show him you are loved and cherished. You and those babies cannot be replaced.

I myself was in a vary similar ( well in a sense) as your husband. Believe it or not I'm only 19 but have been suffering from opiate addiction since the age of 13. Let me give you the rundown of my story. After the 6 years of abusing opiates and heroin I decided it was time to get some help and go to rehab. I told my parents and we got down there to check me in. This place I was at was seriously ghetto! I had ants crawling all over my floor and walls and drug deals across the street. I checked out a week later, I was planning on 3 months. But to my suprise I got clean there with the help from suboxion. Saved my life! I for real woundnt be clean without it the withdrawals were far too sever for me. How'd/why I start opiates? Well Ive also suffered from chronic pain since a very young age. I have fibromyalgia, suffer from migranes, and have a really bad back.

I discovered pain meds and that was a wrap. I thought I had found my true love... till I discovered heroin. See but the thing is i truly believe in my heart now that the pills were actually causing a huge majority of my pain. This is what i believe in my heart-my opiate addicted mind and body would actually create pain in order to gef what it wants! Maybe it was gods gift but after i quit 90% of my pain disappeared. Well I honestly had a sturuggle, discovered I was pregnant and it's unplanned and I relapased. But now I am back on track. What I have discovered is that you cannot work anyone's program for them or convince anyone to do anything. They truly must believe that some other way of living must be better than what they are doing now. They must truly be ready and want a way out! When he is ready take him to the doc and try an get him put on suboxion. Now be careful... This can also be addicting but if it's done correctly he'll be ok. If u have any questions bout this post let me know. Just be supportive and understanding. Try to get him to go to N/A meeting if he is open he will find help I did and kno many others who have as well. There is also Al-anon where family's of addicts/alcoholics can find help. The meetings are child friendly and very beneficial. I hope this helps. Good luck and I'll keep your family in my prayers.

What an overwhelming response. That is very encouraging. I want to share a couple of things. First, I was an addict myself due to suffering with severe low back pain that of course disappeared after I got off the pills. He has just convinced me his story is so different. Yet in my heart I know, or I think I know it isn't. He came off everything for 3 months to prove to me it wasnt the pills & he actually had a severe problem. The dr's diagnosed him which in his mind gave him more credance & more of areason for more pills. He tells me he doesnt take them to get high. I took them for pain & as an antidepressent & recognized it was a problem all along. I reached out for help, he thinks the rest of the world has a problem. He finds these people online with ehler's danlos & he finds the ones ones on similar meds & uses their stories to show me how real it is & how these people need it too. I'm too compassionate because I know how it feels.

But I can't go on. I don't feel like I'm being selfish but I do feel as if I'm betraying him in his greatest time of need. The problem is that now he sleeps all the time. He drained our bank account in 4 days on drugs & designer clothes. Yeah really! All the $2500 I made between all 3 of my jobs. I bought a few things but returned them after finding out how much he spent. He sleeps constantly. I can't ask him for help or he gets angry with me. Now, he's trying to find amphetimines to wake him up during the day. He thinks he has NARCOLEPSY!!! That just blows my mind. He's in so much denial. I will be finding an alonon group tonight. I will keep you posted. Thank you & none of you go away please. I would give you my emailaddress but I don't want to just post it & I don't know how to make friends in here. Thank you again.

Dear Hope,To ask someone a private question you need to make them a friend. Just click on their avatar and it will bring up their profile page. There's a button that says "add a friend", just click on that and that person will receive an email that you added them as a friend. Their profile page will tell you whether or not you can ask them a private question or not. When you ask a pq it only shows up to that particular person. It doesn't show up on the open boards. Just make sure on your profile that you've enabled it so someone can ask you a pq too. You'll get an email when someone adds you as a friend. I'll go ahead and add you as a friend and you can add me if you'd like.Lisa

I am disabled and I am on 60 milligrams of Oxycodone 4 x's a day, 2, 30 milligram pills, so pain management prescribes me 240 a month. I break the bottles up into 60 pills in 4 bottles and my husband steals around 30 out of each bottle. I bought lock boxes, safes, hide them in my pillow case and he still finds a way to ge them. The worst part about it is that he makes me feel like I am going crazy and says I miss placed them. Then 1-2 days later he admits he took them and needs help. When I find him help he just puts all the information in his man cave (or I should call it drug cave) and does not even call these rehabs. I need help getting away from him, I had him arrested for domestic violence and stealing my medication, but they drud teted him when he was going though withdrawl. He puts me through withdrawl every month, so not only am I in pain but I am also dealing with withdrawl symptoms. I want to get my daughter and myself away from him, but I don't even know where to start. Please help us.