CURLING

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Man, did you watch the Winter Olympics? That mixed curling was intense and hit way too close to home. Mixed curling is like housework on steroids — and this being the Olympics — I think I mean that literally.

Mixed curling is a completely made up sport that no one plays or understands. The TV network bosses must think it’s rating magic because it just appears every four years.

Teams consist of men and women, that’s the mixed part. The curling part seems to be like bocce but I’m not really sure. Like in bocce, there are things that get knocked around. But the announcers don’t explain the rules they just yell that some orb is going too fast on the ice. Too much! Too much! Oh boy! Oh, no!

In some cases, they seem to be just trying to outshout the competitors some of whom bark, howl, and scream like complete lunatics.

You’ve seen this, right? The players are on some ice court but they’re not on skates. They just wear what seems to be regular sneakers or shoes — the kind of footwear you might have on while ironing your clothes. Which makes sense, because they're using some tool that looks like an iron and they push the orb — wait, what? I’m getting a message in my ear piece — it’s a stone! Not an orb!

Sorry, where was I? Ok, they crouch down and use an iron to push a stone. And then teammates chase after it. With a broom. They sweep frantically in front of the stone as it slides. I’m not sure if that helps speed it up or slow it down.

Just a warning, your teammates can hate the way you sweep. And they might hate the way you use the iron. And they will let you know.

For me it’s like being at home. In the background, I heard one player yelling and I thought it was my wife. You don’t know how to iron! Don’t you know how to sweep?! Give me that, let me do it.

Good thing mixed curling doesn’t have making the bed.

Come to think of it, I’ve deserved a gold medal but never got one.

Anyway, really, the sport is such a crock. Slide, push a stone, sweep. Yell. I’m gonna try to qualify in four years because it doesn’t look like the thing you could be too old to do. Who wouldn’t want to be an Olympian? You don’t have to worry about wind or getting a chill and you dress in something like bowling clothes. You’re not expected to wear sequins.

Though there is a hipsterish bar game intensity that might make an old man melt. The players all look like they’re playing the most awesome Jenga game ever. One little slip-up and you’d get those dirty looks. Somebody might even hit you with the ultimate put-down: “Not cool.”

I guess I’ll just stick to the Rockaway version of curling which is beach bocce ball with a red cup. I’m better with brews than brooms.