But You’re A Girl!

Even I was starting to think this blog was dead, but the fact that I’m still attracting new followers and getting “hits” even when I don’t get follows tells me people are still interested in hearing what I have to say, or rather reading what I have to write. Oh the ego that sentence seems to promote. I’ll side track here to offer my dedicated, and not so dedicated readers and apology. I’m all to well aware of a insanely adolescent phase I’ve been in for the last three years. Funny, every time I type that, either here or some where else, I always initially write it as “last year”, I suppose I’m still in a letting go process.

I think I had a really productive session the last time with my therapist, the turning point was when he asked if I had a savings plan for surgery. Not only did I admit that I hadn’t, but that I’d spent a ton of money on clothes in the last year. I’ve set out since then to leave that phase behind me, first by apologizing to the people I’ve burdened with it.

I know its a normal part of the transition process, but it doesn’t change the fact that I have to take ownership of the things I’ve done and for you my readers, I’m truly sorry for the adolescent tone of far too many of my past posts.

As for, “but you are a girl”. It’s an interesting story, as you know from previous posts, I’ve been mentoring a gender queer 10 year old named, William. It was actually william’s brother Danny that uttered those words. I don’t recall anything else about the conversation but that phrase, but it tells me that people are recognizing me as female and all but rejecting my maleness. Which is what I wanted.

I had expressed to my therapist in my last appointment that surgery was important to me. It was, in my mind, validation of the fact that I am female. Without it, I think I fear I would never be taken seriously. It’s sad we live in such a society, but it is the reality of the world we live in and I’m sure fodder for another post. For the record, I won’t touch on the Katie Couric controversy, far better writers then me have already offered their opinions which I totally agree with. It does reinforce what I feel though, I suppose it’s some level of dysphoria if you want to go that far with it.

I told my parents of my desire to change my name. I think I’ll write a post on that conversation later, so I refer to it only as a gateway to the next stage which is of course “full time”. For me at least, its been a relatively flexible concept. I wear female clothing probably about 99% of the time as it is right now, so full time is a soft concept really. Once I file my name change, I go to court 30 days later and I’m officially Tristen. For me it is the gateway to full time at work and there again I’m handcuffed by the need to be taken seriously. My voice sucks. Because I never worked on it until now and now I desperately want full time as the ultimate means of leaving the male identity I started shedding years ago.

What triggered my name change was my annual physical. Being acknowledged as female (I hate the term “passing”) is not absolute for me, but each time the receptionist called my male name I realized I would never really achieve my goal until that was part of my past. It was like being stabbed everytime my name was called.

As for work, it’s evenly divided, apparently, on whether I’m transitioning from male to female or female to male. I’ve made no attempts to hide my transition at work, though I’ve never officially acknowledged it either. I could change my name, gender neutral as it is, and continue to not “come out” at work, but I’m as ready as I’m ever going to be for full time. Without my voice at least femalish, I fear that I won’t be taken seriously at work and that is unacceptable.

I’m tempered by the fact that both Danny and his younger brother, Shawn, both insist I’m a girl and their sister Sarah tells me that all her friends “think” I’m a girl (oh and all of this in an environment where I’m not fully out either). And best of all, Sarah insists on her and I having “girl time”. Our first experience being her painting my toenails, which Shawn happily joined in and had me painting his toes while Sarah painted mine. It was one of the best experiences of my transition so far, especially having been excluded from “girl time” at the fire department since I wasn’t a girl (I was pre-everything at that point and not out) and how much it hurt.

But I am a girl. I’ve achieved that goal in my transition. People are starting to see in me what I always saw in myself. Now it’s just a matter of feeling like my identity is taken seriously by the rest of the world.

I wanted to let you know that I read your blog! I too sometimes wonder if people even read my blog. But I really enjoy reading your thoughts – I was just thinking yesterday, hoping that you would put something up soon.

Also, thanks for putting my blog on the blogs you follow, I was surprised when I saw mine there – it means a lot.