Thursday, March 5, 2009

Jon Bon Jovi's birthday is getting tougher every year. See, we've been together a long time now and, frankly, I've run out of gift ideas.

He's not the kind of guy who accumulates "stuff." He's not a "shopper."

I find this "annoying."So when I was driving the other day and saw a man standing on the corner wearing a kilt, I was overjoyed. (Yeah, that came out weird for me, too.) Ahem. I mean, it gave me an idea for a gift for Jon Bon Jovi. Because you know what? I'm flippin' positive he doesn't own a kilt.

And why not, I ask?

As I idled at the red light and observed the fellow on the corner (who, BTW, was not some wizened extra from "Darby O'Gill and the Little People" but rather an athletic-looking fellow in his late 20s/early 30s who probably designs games for Electronic Arts or produces indie films), it struck me that the urban sport kilt's time has come, for several reasons:

With the onset of global warming, the kilt provides critical ventilation to combat mustiness.

The kilt removes the need to agonize over whether to wear boxers or briefs, thus streamlining one's morning routine.

The kilt finally makes accessible to men one of life's pure and simple pleasures: twirling.

All of which fell on deaf ears when Jon Bon Jovi tore off the Smurfs wrapping paper and uncovered his bitchin' new kilt.

"You got me a skirt?"

"It's not a skirt. It's a kilt. It's manly.""It's pleated.""You say that like it's a bad thing."

"I thought kilts were plaid.""This is an urban sport kilt. The next generation. It also comes in camouflage."

"Please tell me there's a gift receipt."

"I tucked it in one of the knee socks." [sigh] "At least hold it up so I can see what it would look like."

[Jon Bon Jovi grudgingly complies.]

"See? That looks awesome!"

"I look like a stewardess."

"Don't your people come from Scotland?"

"My people come from Nebraska. Where men wear pants."

"I can't believe I married an anti-kiltite."

"I've got nothing against kilts in context. You know, next to a castle. Or on a moor. Is it 'moor' or 'bog?'""But kilts are cool! Axl Rose. Sting. Very sexy. And how about ferocious, huh? The Scots are some of the fiercest warriors around. Remember Mel Gibson with his blue face in 'Braveheart?' He was one bloodthirsty plaid-pleated dude." [shudder]

"I'm not wearing a kilt to Peet's. Or Costco. Or back-to-school night. Or the office. I am notgoing to get my tires changed in what looks like something that was loaned to me by Marlo Thomas!"

"Sshh! What are you, nuts?" [Looks over shoulder.] This is L.A., man...Mel Gibson could be anywhere..."

Note: No Scotsmen were harmed in the writing of this post and I really do love kilts.

First.. wholy farging snit Ugly Bat Boy (I would have said girl but I'm baiting you to look up that name on YouTube, you'll thank me) nix on the kilt love?! Aside from the validity lent to your argument with the Vin Dessel pic, there is the OBVIOUS plus of personally being able to answer the age old question "what does a scottsman wear under his kilt?"..I for one would pay to have that mystery solved for me, in person ofcourse. Secondly, do I smell? Be honest babe, I can take it. Should I give up the last link to Curt and trade in TeenSpirt for Clinical strength? I ask because for some reason you dropped me, or blocked me or are just talking behind my freakin' back beehatch, cuz I ain't getting your feed anymore. What's up with that esse?!

Maybe if you threw in a sporran with the package (Freudian slip, there) he'd be more inclined to find it cool!So, if he won't wear it in public, perhaps you can use it to act out your suppressed fantasy for Mel (pre-drunken, anti-semitic Mel, of course)! I'm thinking "Gallipoli".

If kilts come in a big way will I have to start writing them into corporate dress codes? Is there a correct hem length? What happens when men decide to do the mini kilt and since they are sans underwear we start seeing dangly bits?

You almost killed me you know? I almost choked on my pizza just now. That was so freakin funny. Only becasue I was picturing my hubbys face in that conversation! LOLMy contest started today, stop by and enter!

Well as a first generation non-Scot (that means everyone before me, even brothers and sisters, were born in Scotland, but I was born in Australia), I am familiar with the pleasures of twirling. Hilarious post. You, as usual, rock the kilt....

I think men are afraid to twirl. I don't think they could handle twirling. Plus then they would have to put up with the whole.."hey, babe. What's under the skirt?". yea, maybe men aren't ready for the sport kilt. Nice try though.

This is seriously the funniest thing I've ever read, besides your pan flute post, that is. I would sell my soul (if I still had one, that is) to have comic genius even approaching your level. I'm also getting an urban sport kilt for my husband's birthday. I'll let you know how it goes if I'm still among the living.

I've got TWO kilts. One from school (Strathclyde University in Glasgow) and one with City of Glasgow tartan, along with formal jacket, sporran (Scottish man purse) and the other accoutrements of the well-dressed git. I used to wear 'em to the local Highland Games events, but alas I have grown (horizontally) and neither kilt fits anymore. Maybe I'll have them altered...like my reality.

My husband owns two kilt and has been a kilt model--seriously. Too funny! I rarely actually laugh out loud at the computer, but this did it. Hilarious reading on this snowy morning. Hope to meet you at the EBWW in April!

I rarely actually laugh out loud at my computer but this did it. Hilarious reading on this snowy, catch-up-on-blogs morning. My husband owns two kilts and has even been a kilt model. I have to ask him nicely not to wear it to Home Depot. Looking forward to meeting you at the EBWW soon!

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Anna Lefler is an award-winning writer and humorist and the author of THE CHICKTIONARY: FROM A-LINE TO Z-SNAP, THE WORDS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW (Adams Media, November 2011). Her work has appeared online at Salon.com, McSweeney's, TheBigJewel, MyPheme, FunnyNotSlutty and HumorPress. Anna's essays on modern motherhood have been nationally syndicated and her fiction has been presented onstage by WordTheatre Los Angeles. She has performed standup comedy in Los Angeles clubs including the Hollywood Improv, the Comedy Store, Room 5 Lounge and M Bar. Anna can also be found at www.annalefler.com, where she is trying to stop referring to herself in third person.