My Personal Blog

So, it is that time of year again when the kids are having their first long break of the school year. It is Fall Break!! Ten long days where the kids are bored after the first couple hours, and on each others nerves soon after they wake up on day one. As I look over at them now; one has a Xbox controller attached to his hand and the other is holding a tablet. (And already bickering over everything) I want to make things different this year! The weather is beautiful, and they could be outside playing. As a kid I grew up in Louisiana, I had sugar cane fields in my back yard...we used to run and play in those fields for hours. My sister and I even use to take our dolls outside and play house in those fields. It was so much fun. Now I know we live in an apartment complex on a busy road, but there is so much to do around here and it won't cost me a dime. We can have a scavenger hunt, like I used to do with my parents. Play a game of whiffle ball. Tag Football. Painting...I have some canvas' left. Baking together is always fun, plus we get to eat the treats!! Maybe we will take a trip to the park. and when all else fails put on a good movie, and pile up on the couch together. I think I will save that one for a rainy day. Starting today I am going to limit their amount of technology they can play with, and get the creative juices flowing!!

Since my last blog in February, my life has changes around dramatically!! Shortly after my heartbreaking post about my " life was shattering", I found a Church that changed my life. Nothing really special about the church, just that it reintroduced to God. I knew that He had always been there for me, I just had to accept that I had too let go, and let Him handle my life. Since then my life has not been perfect by no means. I just found a new way of dealing with life. Prayer is a big part of my day. I find myself praying for all sorts of things, and people at all times. Also I had to learn how to forgive, and I don't just mean telling someone I forgive them. I mean really letting it go, and moving on with my life. I have to accept that I can't change anyone, their past, my past, or even what is going on around me. I just have to do what is right for me, and asking God to help me with the big decisions in life. I have run into stumbling blocks. Just last month, I found myself hospitalized with pulmonary embolism at age 32. Having this diagnosis is scary at times, as well as stressful. I have many doctors visits, several trips to the ER, and lots of medication. I am determined to get past this. I have to!! I have three beautiful children that need me around. I could give up and throw in the towel, but what would the kids do. They need a mom around, not just for the day to day things, but to teach them life lessons. We as parents have to teach our children how to become well rounded adults. They learn from us, they watch us, and they mimic us. I watch my son and step daughter, whom are the same age (4th grade), trying to become their own person. I also see them making decisions based on the adults they have in their lives. I wonder sometimes, if what I'm teaching them now...or not teaching them going to help them in the long run? I try to instill responsibility, good decision making, and being kind to others. I preach it over and over, but am I showing it to them? I think that is a big part of being a parent...practicing what you preach. So from this day forward I am going to put real effort into practicing what I preach, and being a good role model for my children.

I have ben told my whle life to be strong! And for the most part I have been. I have come to a place in my life where it has become very hard to be strong any longer. I have taken so many hits in my life that I have become broken, and it is only a matter of time before I shatter into so many peices that I will never be the same. I have tried to reach out, and fix all the issues, but as soon as one thing gets done, I get hit with something else. I just can't handle all this any more. I pray to God every day for help, and for answers, but all I am getting is silence. I don't even know who Jillian is anymore. This blog was meant as a way to find the bright side of things, and I thought today if I sat down and typed how I felt. I would find that bright side. Yet, it has failed to appear. And I don't know if I will ever make it out of this slump. I don't seem to have any optimism inme anywhwere. So, yes, "Love never fails." But in my case, love is failing me.

I still carry negative feelings towards my exhusband. I can't let go and forgive him for all that has happened in the past. I try, and try, but it is so hard for me. I don't think that he gets how much he hurt me. I want to punish him and hurt him as much as he has hurt me, but I know that there is no possible way to do that. Sometimes I think, maybe he does know the pain he has caused, but I doubt that. There has now come a point in my life that I can no longer worry about what he has done to me, and worry about the two children that we gave life to. There has been a disconnect between him and the kids for over 6yrs now, he hasn't seen them, except maybe in pictures. I'm not sure if he has talked to them,and I wonder is this fair to the kids. All kids need a father in their life, and if he is willing to stand up, take responsiblity, pay his dues, then he should be able to be apart of the kids lives. Now in my family, others may say different, but that is a story for a different day.I believe that I can put aside all my hurt, anger, and bitterness so that my kids can have a chance with their dad. I just hope and pray that I am making the right decision, and that thier dad will do right by them, so they can have healthy relationships from this day forth. This process may be a slow one for all involved, a one day at a time kind of thing, but I think it can work. As long as we keep God in our hearts, and walk with faith "Love never fails."

For years I have strugggled with my self esteem, and body image. In high school I was the tall skinny girl, no boobs, and messed up teeth. I was picked on and I hated how I looked and I would try to cover up. There was a short period of time after high school that I filled out a little, and I thought I looked good, but I based that on how many guys I could get. That's when my self esteem took an ugly turn, I married my ex-husband, and he beat what what confidence I had left out of me. Two children later I gained almost 100lbs. I struggle today with my self esteem. I don't look..I mean really look in the mirror at my self. I throw on what ever clothes that I can. Most days I don't even care if they match. Sexy, beautiful, confidant, even cute, aren't word I would use to describe myself. I have a hard time accepting compliments, and wish sometimes I would get one when I try. Really the only thing I like about myself is my hair, and most days I pull it up so no one see's how well I take care of it. That's because I'm ashamed of the few gray hairs I have. I'm being honest about all of this because I'm not the only one who feels this way. There are lots of women who feel the exact same way. We laugh about being fat, make jokes at ourselves, others poke fun at us, and deep down inside we are crying. Sometimes we are crying out loud. I know I do! I want to be the most beautiful woman for my boyfriend. I don't want to be afraid to wear lingerie. I don't want to be afraid to have my picture taken. I want to be able to wear the cute clothes. I want to feel good in my own skin. I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see.I want to be able to love myself again. "Love Never Fails"

If you follow me often, you know that I have been a stay at home mom, but not due to choice. I got sick almost 2yrs ago, and have been off work for 8 months. I have been trying to get disability, and I am even to the point that I am waiting on my hearing. I just don't think my bills are going to wait much longer. It has seemed like every month something has kicked us down even further to take away from what little money we have. I am so tired of asking for help, being on government assitance, and putting all the burden on my boyfriend. He does alot for me, he works six days a week, and does his best to stay postive about our situation. But right now it is hard to stay positive any longer. I am going to find work. I have too! To be honest, that is almost terrifing for me. I haven't had a seizure in a while, but I can no longer afford all my medications that keep me seizure free. I don't know how I will react to going back to work. I don't handle stress very well. I have a anxiety disorder that acts out in funny ways, and I am scared. But I have to do this. I just have to, for the family, for Mike, and for my kids. If not we may find ourselves, hungery, and homeless. Please say a prayer. I have to remember...."Love never fails."

Christmas in my family has always been a big deal, at least for me it is. It starts with the putting up of the Christmas decorations, to the day we put the ornaments on the tree. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years all rolled into one huge family celebration. My favorite parts were cooking together,playing games together,and the just spend time with each other part. I loved being part of a family. For me the holidays seem to make all other problems go away. So this year, it is time for me to start my own things for my kids. This will be the first Christmas, and Thanksgiving we have spent together as a family with Mike and Harlee. I so excited about it, I am decorating everything on Monday and Tuesday...except the Christmas tree. The tree is saved for Bailey's birthday, just a few weeks before Christmas.I previously wrote about finances were getting me down about Holiday time. Then my sister reminded me, it is not all about what the kids get for Christmas, it is about how they enjoy the time. I can't tell you now a single gift I recieved on a particular year, but I can tell you the traditions we had every year. That iswhat I want them to reflect on. So big thanks to my little sis, for reminding me that I don't have to go all out to make it a Christmas to remember. And remember Love Never Fails.Picture: myself, sister, step brother when I was 13yrs old on Christmas morning. We got matching PJ's they even had the butt traps in them.

The month of October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. It always seems so be over shadowed by Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I don't want any one to think that I think any less of cancer survivors, because to me we are all one in the same. WE ARE SURIVORS!!! We looks death in the face, and walked away. Yet, we need to remember their are some that have not been so fortunate. That is where each of these "awareness months" differ. Domestic Violence is s serious situation! Many women, and some men, are in fear of their lives at this very moment. They don't know how to get away. They don't know where to go, how to get there, there are children involved, and they are scared, and all alone. The worst thing about it is, they are your next door neighbor, your co-worker, a friend, a family member, and you don't even know about it. Or if you do, you figure it is none of your business. Well, it is your business!! There were many times that I used to scream as loud as I could hoping that someone would call the police, or come knock on the door...just to make it stop. There would be times that I would purposley show my bruises so that someone would ask me what happened so I could get the courage to tell someone. No one call the cops, no one knocked at the door, no one asked questions. I felt helpless, and all alone. I finally got the courage to leave for good. I was lucky, he didn't kill me. Not to say he didn't try some times. People ask, "why did you stay for so long?", when you feel no way out, when he keeps saying he is going to change, and does for a while, it gives you just enough hope that it won't happen till the next time it does. Then the cycle starts over again. What I ask this month, and everyday of the year, is pay attention to those around you. You may save a life. And remember....Love Never Fails!

I have always loved this time of year, when the leaves turn, the weather starts to turn cooler, and all the holidays start to approach us. This year will be the first year I get to have mychildren with me for all of it. Taking my son trick-or -treating, planning out where to have Thanksgiving Dinner, and them my favorite part Christmas. I love decorating for Christmas. If I could do it today I would!! This year it is also bitter sweet. I get have everyone I want around me, but have no money do what I want. I have been fighting for my disiabilty since March, and have come to a point that we almost can not make it anymore. I an terrified to go back to work, I don't know if I can do it. At home, I am in a stress free environment, and I can do things at my own pace. So my seizures have been few and far between the last couple of months. But what if I go back to work, and they come back. Then I have strart this disability thing all over. If I don't go to work, I don't know how to pay for the bills , much less buy Christmas presents. You see, my boyfriends overtime at work, that he was gettting regularly, has been cut out along with some other finactial burdens we have occured. My chilren are use to a big almost over the top Christmas, and I have been trying to find a way to do something for them. There is a program through my local Salvation Army that I believe will help out. I just hope that I can find a job, that I can do before Christmas, so I can give them the the Christmas I have always wanted to do.I know God will lead me cause...."Love never fails."

I have always had this dream of becoming a writer one day. All my life I have written little things off and on. I guess it started when I was young, I write short stories, poems, and even long love letters to boyfriends. Writing has always been my way of expressing myself to others. Lately the itch to write something something more. That is one of the reasons I started this blog. I thought it may fullfill my need to write again, but instead it is only leaving me with the feeling that I could do more. That I have something inside of me that needs to come out. that I have this talent as a writer that I have never explored. I am thinking of writing a book. I know that a lot goes into writing a book, but I am a stay at home mom, and I have the time. I have lost focus of what my purpose in llife is, what I want in my life. I lost my original dream, like so many of us do. I want to follow that dream. I want to try to live my dream, and and it can't hurt to try. I will never know what will happen unless I try. So what I am saying to all of you out there is if you have a dream, go for it! Better late than never. Be true to your self, and you can't fail. Love your self and you can not fail. Remember..."Love never fails."