Our regularly scheduled Monday night live blogification returns, with us streaming to you live vulgarities and inappropriate jokes to bolster your viewing experience of what will undoubtedly be two massive blowouts between divisional foes. First up, you might have seen it scrawled on Bill Simmons’ masturbation journal that the Dreamboat is back (we can’t confirm Simmons’ report that his dick is even tastier now) and Brady’s bringing cuddles (and even more kids!) with him. This should be a doozy. How ever will a Patriots defense gutted of old useless automatons like Mike Vrabel, Tedy Bruschi, Rodney Harrison (who’s still talking trash about Patriots opponents even though he’s a studio analyst now) and Richard Seymour manage to stifle a supersimplified Bills offensive strategy devised by Alex Van Pelt? Surely they cannot hope to try. Lay down your arms, fellas.

Our latter Mike & Mike narrated lop-sided contest features King Philip the Laserfaced GOING ALL PHILIP RIVERS on the Tom Cable’s band of overweight quarterbacks and savagely beaten coaching staff in Raidervania. Will Tila Tequila follow up on her promise to get all the battered women of the world to show up and protest (only to be raped again by Raiders fans)? Let’s hope so!

I’m a Raiders fan who picked San Diego in the Suicide Pool. Does this make me a Traiterous Bitch or just a sad, sad realist?

09.14.09 at 5:45 pm

Smello

Or, a traitorous bitch who can’t spell?

09.14.09 at 5:46 pm

Outshined_One

HUH? WHAT??? FUCK YOU!

09.14.09 at 5:51 pm

Piratesloth

This afternoon might be a new lesson in patience as I find out how many Pats fans are visiting my island this week and my trying not to horribly choke them. If this bar I plan on going to has WiFi, I’ll share as I get drunk and choke-y.

09.14.09 at 6:02 pm

pemulis

It’s safe to assume there will be a one hour pause at 10 so we can all watch Leno, right? I think I read in the papers that’s what time it’s on.

He realizes the next step in natural progression of obnoxiousness is Pats fans.

NO ONE DENIES THIS!

09.14.09 at 6:53 pm

schooner

Smello,

You are not a Raiders fan. I would slice my dick off with a rusty butterknife before I picked the marmalards.

09.14.09 at 7:39 pm

LI Matt

Tawmmy says the Pats’ throwbacks are THE GREATEST UNIFAWWMS EVAAAH!!!!

09.14.09 at 8:20 pm

Ed Reed's Gloves

Brady, what in the BLUE HELL are you doing?!

09.14.09 at 9:15 pm

Bugg

Good to see Bellicheat broke out some new hot expensive threads for the occasion.

09.14.09 at 10:04 pm

Bugg

Dick Jauron should fire himself. Up 10 points, and goes soft cover who and rushes only 4. What a dick!

09.14.09 at 10:14 pm

Svedish Chef

FUCKING BUFFALO

09.14.09 at 10:27 pm

AndreReedRichards

Well, will it really be that bad when they move to Los Angeles?

Frankly, I can see an upside to it.

09.15.09 at 12:15 am

Ben

Why don’t you guys have a .gif tag yet?

09.15.09 at 2:01 am

Chazbot

Not that you take requests, but I REALLY REALLY hope the return of Gay Zorro is in the future.

09.15.09 at 3:12 am

Kevin

Ok, so there better be a Tommy from Quinzee post in addition to a new Marmalard post tomorrow because of what happened tonight.

09.15.09 at 8:36 am

DaydreamBilliever

it’d be nice if Jauron had a pulse at least, like, when he pisses away another MNF win, at least we should get a “they are who we thought they were” style rant after the game. he barely registers as an animate object during the games….

09.15.09 at 8:54 am

Rocco

He went to Yale! He had one winning season in Chicago! He deserved that extension!

09.15.09 at 8:56 am

Rocco

Whew, I was sweating my NE suicide pool pick for a minute there. Then I remembered the Bills are the Bills. TORONTO YOU WILL INHERIT ONE OF THE PREMIERE FRANCHISES IN ALL OF SPORTS!

09.15.09 at 9:39 am

DaydreamBilliever

fire Jauron, promote Pill to head coach….. can’t be any worse.

@rocco, maybe we’ll get a new KSKharacter out of it.

NO-ONE CIRCLES THE WAGONS LIKE TORONTO ROGERS FANS, EH!

09.15.09 at 9:54 am

jonthefisherman

wake up and post something you FACKS!

09.15.09 at 10:00 am

Rocco

@jon: That’s kinda funny. But I don’t think Tommy is up yet. He probably had a late night drinking Twisted Tea and celebrating such an epic comeback.

09.16.09 at 1:06 am

Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson

@AndreReedRichards

Hey, California may be billions of dollars in debt, but at least there’s nice weather in LA. As someone who grew up in western NY, I can safely say that winter in Buffalo is truly a fate worse than death.