Monday, 26 December 2016

Brian
picks Debbie up from the airport and hardly has the poor girl got into the car
before he starts ranting about Adam’s unreasonableness about the proposed land
purchase. Still, Brian’s pleased that at least now he’s got someone who thinks
the same way as him. Except that Debbie is far from convinced that the purchase
is a good idea - at least not on the scale that Brian wants.

At
the family supper, Jennifer has banned all talk of the farm and the land and
this lasts for about 10 minutes before they are all at it, arguing and voices
being raised. Brian complains to Debbie about the obstructionism that he is
facing, to which she replies that perhaps he should listen for a change, as
Adam isn’t being unreasonable. “You can’t bulldoze through this decision,“ she
tells him, adding that perhaps he could do with some time to think things
through.

At
the Borchester Land Christmas party a couple of days later, Debbie is in
conversation with Justin and we learn that, not only is she not on message,
Brian-wise, but she is actively trying to seek an alternative. Justin is mildly
surprised, having been told by Brian that Debbie is 100% behind the plan and
she tells him that it’s causing friction within the family. Has Justin
considered selling the land off in a series of smaller parcels? Taking on a
smaller debt might make it more acceptable to Adam, she suggests.

Brian
returns with the drinks and Debbie tells him what she has proposed to Justin,
who says that he doesn’t want to upset the family. Brian asks to speak to
Debbie alone and he is very unhappy about what she is proposing. She fights
back, saying “Can you not see the damage you are doing? The future of the farm
is Adam - if you keep frustrating him, it won’t matter how much land you own,
it won’t be a family farm any longer.” Brian maintains that he is only thinking
of the future of the family and, somewhat bizarrely, adds “At least Ruairi
supports me.” “He’s 14” Debbie points out, but Brian is past listening, saying
again that the purchase will be good for the farm and the family. “If Adam can’t
get his head round that, it’s a pity, because, believe me, it’s going to
happen.” It’s always good to see democracy in action, I reckon.

I
don’t know what timescale Justin has in mind to complete the sale of the land,
but, if it is going to happen harmoniously, then someone needs to execute a
massive U-turn fairly sharpish.Whatever happens, we will no doubt have Jennifer wringing her hands and
saying how awful it all is.

Going
back to the BL party, Justin talks to Rob, asking him where he is spending
Christmas. Rob says that he is going to the family farm and Justin remarks that
it cannot be very comfortable, knowing what people are saying behind Rob’s
back. Rob replies that it makes no difference to him - it just shows how
gullible and petty-minded some people are. He learns that Debbie is at the
party and he seeks her out, reminding her that she and he helped set up Berrow
Farm (which is now bulldozed by, the way). “We made a good team” he tells her.

You
have to admire Debbie’s candour - instead of mouthing a few platitudes and
escaping, she tells Rob that she wishes they had never built Berrow “As that
was what brought you to Ambridge.” She also tells him that he reminds her of
one of her exes, who hit her, and observes that no-one else in the room seems
keen to talk to him. “Cheers, Rob; enjoy the rest of your night” she says as
she moves away.

Instead
of skulking off, Rob finds Adam in the bar, waiting for Ian, who has had to go
back to Grey Gables to sort out a catering emergency. Rob asks Adam if he isn’t
missing Charlie and Adam, who is pretty fed up, tells him to go. Just then, Ian
returns and gives Adam a big sloppy kiss in front of Rob then leads Adam on to
the dance floor, telling Rob that he can have his warm lager as “You look as if
you need a drink.”

Not
long now till the panto starts and Kate has still only managed to produce about
one and a half costumes. Phoebe is back from Oxford and we learn that she has
either had a personality transplant, or has suffered a blow to the head, as,
when talking to Kate, she is not merely civil, but positively nice to her. Kate
shows Phoebe her designs and Phoebe is impressed. She also says that she is
impressed with what Kate has done with Spiritual Home and, in a sure-fire
indication that she has been sampling some mind-altering drugs at Oxford,
Phoebe tells Kate: “You’re my Mum and I’m proud of you.” Bloody hell, that’s a
turn-up for the books - it was not so long ago that the only person Phoebe
referred to as ‘Mum’ was Hayley. Phoebe’s admiration isn’t undimmed when she
learns that Kate is, predictably, about eight weeks behind with the costumes
and she pitches in to help, as does Jennifer, Peggy and Chris.

Lynda
manages to track Kate down and she is not impressed with the lack of progress.
In fact, Lynda throws a wobbly about the entire project, predicting that it
will be an unmitigated disaster as the cast still haven’t learnt their lines.
Hysterically, she fears that her reputation will be trashed and imagines what
the review in the Echo (written by Tristram Hawkshaw) will say. Lynda tells
Kate that, if the costumes aren’t ready, then she (Lynda) will disown the show
and leave the entire production in Kate’s hands.

Another
person on the verge of hysterics was Helen. On Christmas Eve, she and Henry are
out delivering cards when they run into Jennifer. Helen is talking when she
suddenly realises that Henry is not around and it’s getting dark. They call
Henry and Helen makes a frantic phone call to Tom. She is panicking and sobbing
and wants to call the police. Tom tries to calm her down, when Henry turns up.
He had just been posting the Christmas card he made “for Daddy” through the
Blossom Hill Cottage letterbox, because he thought that Daddy should have a
card like everyone else. Helen is weeping with relief and, later, she
apologises to Tom for going over the top and that “Rob is still there, in my
head. Tom reassures her and says that Rob has left Ambridge for Christmas they
will all havea wonderful, family
Christmas.

Fresh
from her photographic session, Susan is looking for an excuse to wear her posh
frock, so she hits on the idea of holding a ‘Calendar Girls Reunion Party’.
This is for females only, so Neil is despatched down the pub, with orders not
to return until closing time. While there, he meets up with Eddie and Toby and
much drink is consumed. The talk turns to Susan’s party - is it possible that
the women will be stripping off? Eddie suggests that they go and have a look and
Toby agrees, telling Neil “It’s your house after all - don’t you think you’re
entitled to know what’s going on?”

The
three creep around the patio and they see Susan helping Jean Harvey to take her
dress off (Jean’s zip has burst). One of the men then knocks over an urn and an
irate Susan comes to the door. Her temper is not improved when Neil pretends
that they are carol singers. Susan apologises to her guests as they are leaving
and has a go at Neil, telling him that, from January 1st, the ladies
of Ambridge will be keeping their clothes firmly on. The question we are asking
is ‘will this make 2017 a happy year for Neil or not?’ I know what I think.

Over
at Brookfield, there is still much bad feeling about Pip’s refusal to visit on
Christmas Day unless Toby is welcome too. As she decorates the tree, Rooooth
wonders if she ought to be bothering and, when Jill offers to help, Rooooth
goes off and leaves her to it.

Jill
asks David what does he think is the attraction of Toby? David doesn’t know,
and pointedly tells his mother that her keeping on about it is not helping the
situation. Of course, she still goes on about it and says that it is as if Toby
has cast a spell over Pip. Rooooth has just returned from a chance meeting with
Pip, where Pip still refused to come over Christmas Day, and has a go at Jill. “You
really despise him, don’t you?” Rooooth asks. “I don’t despise anybody,” says a
shocked Jill, only for Rooooth to ask what is it that she hates so much about
Toby? Jill replies “I just know he’s going to be bad for Pip. I’m sorry if that’s
not a good enough reason for you.” Jill then adds: “Pip’s made her bed and she
has to lie in it.” Between you and me, Jill, I reckon that is exactly what your
granddaughter has got lined up for Christmas Day.

Monday, 19 December 2016

Last
week we had Rooooth baking batches of mince pies in an increasingly-desperate
attempt to produce something edible for Christmas. You wonder why she bothers,
as in the first place, she is certainly no cook and, secondly, Jill can make
better mince pies than her with her eyes shut and her hands tied, so why
bother?

On Monday, Rooooth is in the village shop,
looking for plain flour for yet another mince pie assault, when she is
confronted by Susan in - what for her - passes for philosophical mood, when
Rooooth mentions that Thursday is her 28th wedding anniversary (and
David’s too, spookily enough). Tactful as ever, Susan remarks that David and
Rooooth have had their share of ups and downs, yet have pulled through, so what
advice would Rooooth give to someone starting out?

After a brief pause, Rooooth says “Listen to your
other half.” Susan cannot get her head round this at all and you can hear the
puzzlement and disbelief in her voice when she says “Really? Listen?” I suspect
that Neil will continue to have his opinions ignored and dismissed, but as he
and Susan have been wed for centuries (or so it probably feels for Neil), it
seems to work for them.

As well as Rooooth, someone else wandering round
the village looking for help and inspiration is Kate, who has been charged with
getting the costumes ready for the panto. She asks everybody (with the possible
exception of Joe Grundy) if they can help with making costumes, and everyone
turns her down, including sister Alice, who had her fingers burnt when Kate
asked her to help (ie take on the whole task) of casting Mother Goose. Kate’s
despondency is aggravated when she opens Christmas cards from Nollie and Sipho
(her children in South Africa) - Sipho has sent her kisses, while Nollie’s card
may as well be addressed ‘to whom it may concern’ and kisses are noticeable by
their absence. Neil, to whom Kate vouchsafes this information, demonstrates
that his wife does not have a monopoly in tactlessness, when he says “You must
miss them, this time of year.” I almost (but not quite) felt sorry for Kate
when she said, wistfully, “When I was in South Africa, I used to dream of
Christmas in Ambridge, now I just want to be back there - as far away as
possible from Lynda Snell and her panto.”

That struck a chord with me and I wondered if we
could charter a plane, or a Eurostar and join Kate in her flight. Of course,
Kate would have to be thrown off the plane/train, but that’s just a bonus.

Going back to Rooooth’s mince pie obsession, an
awkward moment was averted when David assumed that Pip would be staying at
Brookfield on Christmas Eve, so as to be ready for the ritual opening of the
stockings on Christmas mornings, in their pyjamas. Ignoring the fact that this
sounds like something that Childline should be investigating, Pip (who hasn’t
yet told her parents that she will be spending Christmas at Rickyard with Toby)
was saved by the bell - or rather, by the sound of a tray of hot mince pies
being dropped on the floor, accompanied by amoan of “Oh noooo!” from the kitchen.

However, these things cannot be put off for ever
(and, as I write this, there are only seven more sleeps before the big morning)
so Friday sees David, Rooooth and Pip on the farm, with David blaming his
hangover and indigestion on a dodgy chocolate fondant at his anniversary
dinner, forgetting to mention the NFU lunch he had earlier the same day, plus
the two bottles of wine and the double brandy (what a lightweight, eh?). Talk
turns to Christmas Day lunch and Pip says that she won’t be at Brookfield.
Detailed questioning reveals that no, she won’t be going away with Toby; yes,
she will be having lunch at Rickyard; no, Rex won’t be there and it will just
be her and her boyfriend; now she must go, as Toby is making spaghetti for
lunch. Knowing Toby, spaghetti is all it will be. Fried. Good job Pip didn’t
mention that she was going to invest £5k in Toby’s gin business. He protested,
but gave in gracefully.

Pip’s news could well have put the dampers on Christmas
at Brookfield. Later on after breaking her news, Pip and Roooth meet on the
farm. Rooooth is miles away and admits to her daughter that she is remembering
Christmases past; she understands that Pip wants to be with her boyfriend, but
couldn’t Toby come to Brookfield? Pip’s response is that Jill finds it hard
even to be civil to Toby (how does she know - Jill has never even tried to be
civil towards Toby?). Rooooth says (presumably with fingers crossed) that Jill
will be on her best behaviour (yeah, right) and “It would mean a lot to me to
have you with us.”

Pip exhibits a shrewder knowledge of her family
when she says “It would mean a lot to me if my family could try to like my
boyfriend.” Rooth protests that she does like Toby, but, when asked, she is
struggling to name much that she likes about Toby (as was I, to be honest). Pip
says: “If we come to you, not a single person would have a nice time” and I
tend to agree. Pip leaves, as David comes in and he asks if she has changed her
mind? When Rooooth says ‘”no”, he says “it’s ridiculous” and moves to go after
her, which prompts Rooooth into a mini-rant.

She says she’ll tell him what’s ridiculous - the
fact that he and Jill take every opportunity to make clear what they think of
her boyfriend. “He’s her boyfriend” Rooooth wails and, in a sentence that
probably chilled David’s heart, she adds: “He could be her future husband.”
While David wonders where his shotgun is at the moment, Rooooth goes on: “Do
you want to drive her away? If we want to keep her, we have to respect her
choice. We have to try and like him.” David is silent, presumably now wondering
where he put his dum-dum bullets.

Brookfield isn’t the only place where Christmas
will not see joy unconfined: every year, something adverse seems to happen to
one or more members of the Grundy clan. This year, the middle finger of Fate is
raised at Ed and Emma. There is a pantomime in Felpersham and, for only £100,
the whole family could go and see the production (“That bloke from Eastenders
is in it” Emma tells her husband) and have a two-course meal each. Ed moans
that they can’t afford it (they can’t) but relents - they can dip into the
‘rainy day’ fund; after all, it will be nice to give the kids a treat.

Of course, you know that this is never going to
happen and, on the day that he is supposed to book the tickets, Ed discovers
that his prize ram (on which the hopes of him and Emma are pinned) has torn his
scrotum - and don’t you just hate it when that happens, guys? - and he had to
call the Vet out, so no panto. Emma takes it badly, saying that Santa never
seems to make it to their house. Em, I hate to tell you this, but Santa isn’t
real, sweetheart.

The saga of the chance to buy the land adjoining
Home Farm threatens to drag on a la Route B story. Brian, Peggy and Jennie went
to Grey Gables for dinner, where they ran into Justin Eliot. Peggy managed to
upset everyone (except Justin, seemingly) by saying that family unity is worth
more than money. Even Jennifer agreed with Brian afterwards that Peggy had been
out of order, but she announced that she had spoken to Debbie on the phone and
that Debs would be flying home for Christmas. Could be lively discussions
around the Home Farm Christmas dinner table. As an aside, before lunch at Grey
Gables, Peggy asked Justin about Lilian and, when she told Brian that “Justin
seemed very satisfied with Lilian”, Brian nearly choked.

At Bridge Farm, Johnny is trying to grow a beard,
to impress a girl (Amber) he fancies at the fashion show. Sadly, on the day of
the show, he spots another boy with his hand up Amber’s shirt and Johnny legs
it, subsequently telling Helen and others that he never really fancied Amber
anyway. Oh yes - he shaved the beard off too.

Helen featured prominently last week. Apart from
reassuring Johnny that he is the “loveliest man in Borsetshire” after the Amber
debacle, she was at the church, where Henry was appearing in the Nativity Play.
Rob was spotted, sneaking into the porch, but fortunately Henry never saw him.

Helen decided to go and see Jess, having beaten
Pat off with a stick to stop her going along. As it is, Pat mapped out the
route for her, organised emergency rations and tried to get the roads cleared
and a SWAT helicopter following her, because you just can’t trust a Titchener.
At first, the meeting with Jess was lukewarm, until Helen handed Jess a card,
saying ‘I owe you my life’. Helen thanks Jess for speaking up for her, to which
Jess replies that she did it for herself as “I didn’t want him to win any
more.” The two women bond and Jess reveals that she’s still scared of Rob.
Helen says she cannot allow herself to be scared, “Because if I am, then he’s
still winning.”

This attitude is put to the test on Friday, as
Helen is at Bridge Farm - Johnny has gone upstairs to work on the computer and
there is a knock on the door. She opens it and it is Rob; Helen tries to shut
the door, but he has his foot in it and begs to be heard. He has brought
Christmas presents for the boys - unwrapped so that she can see what they are -
and asks her to give them to Henry and Jack, so he can feel a small part of
their Christmas. He says he’s been talking to Alan “trying to make sense of
where we went wrong”. “We?” queries Helen and Rob quickly amends this to “me”.
He goes on: “I’m a mess; all I ever wanted was a beautiful wife and children
and a home and I had it all - and I destroyed it. I want to be a better man,
Helen.”

Not unreasonably, Helen asks “Why would I want to
give the boys anything from you?” Rob replies “Because you are a good person.”
He then definitely pushes his luck by saying “Do you think we might -” Helen
snorts “What?” Rob: “You and me, please give me some hope or say you forgive
me.” but Helen has taken her advice to Jess to heart and says “you really are a
piece of work.” “I’m begging you, don’t say we are over” Rob pleads. “You know
we are” Helen tells him, shutting the door, adding “Goodbye, Rob.” Johnny comes
down, having trouble with the printer. “Are you OK?” he asks Helen, who
responds, in a confident voice “Yeah. I am. I’m absolutely fine.”

Neil and Peter wish all our readers and the cast
of The Archers (with some notable exceptions) a happy and peaceful Festive
Season and we’re gutted that we couldn’t get tickets for Mother Goose.

Sunday, 11 December 2016

Peace
and Harmony is what Pip asks for when David asks her what does she want for
Christmas? Oh, and for the family to be nice to Toby as well. David says that
that would be a Christmas miracle, but, when Pip says that all she’s asking
for is a bit of everyday civility, he says “OK, peace and harmony it
is.”

Ha!
In your dreams, David! True, he wants a nice family Christmas, as does Pip and
Rooooth, but the problem lies with Jill - instead of everyday civility, she
wants Toby’s head (and other bits) on a spike. And she doesn’t keep her
feelings to herself, either - when she sees Toby working on his pickup in the
farm workshop, she has a go at him about the still. Toby cannot resist the urge
to wind her up, saying that he has abandoned the still idea, but the cannabis
plants are coming along a treat. Jill tells him she wants him to leave Pip
alone and clear off the farm. “Are you for real?” Toby
asks, adding: “You want me to break Pip’s heart just so you can
be happy? Sorry Grandma; that’s not going to happen.”

Mind
you, Toby brings a lot of it upon himself - he is in a quandary, as he cannot
distil gin without a licence and he can’t get a licence until he
has somewhere to house the still. The solution? He goes to see Rex and tells
him he wants to move the still to Hollowtree. Rex isn’t keen, to
put it mildly, and tells his brother that David would terminate the lease in a
heartbeat. But Toby has been looking at the lease - firstly, both his and Rex’s names
are on the lease and secondly, nowhere does it specify what type of business
can be carried out on the premises.“David might not like it, but he has no option.” Toby
tells his brother.

It
turns out that Toby is right on both counts - David does indeed go ballistic
when he confronts Toby, who calmly explains the situation to him, and David
realises that he actually doesn’t have a choice. He may
have accepted the situation, but Jill cannot believe that Toby has got away
with it. David then tells her about his ‘Peace and Harmony’ promise
(incidentally, his conversation with Pip was after he apologised to Toby for
losing his temper) and Jill demonstrates a novel twist on ‘Peace and
Harmony’ as it is after David tells her this that she has her ‘get off
the farm’ confrontation with Toby.

Should
Toby tell Pip what Jill said? He knows that she thinks the world of her Gran
and doesn’t want to upset her. However, she realises that something is up and
he tells her the story. Toby suggests that he goes away for Christmas, so that
Pip can have her family celebration and he’ll be back on Boxing Day. Pip
however, is having none of it, saying: “No Toby - I’m not going to stand for
this; they can do Christmas without me - let’s do our own Christmas here in the
cottage.” So much for Peace and Harmony.

There
appears to be a rift developing too, over at Home Farm, where Brian is keen to
buy the additional acreage from BL. Jennifer is worried that it will cost and
awful lot (£2.7 million - about half the cost of her kitchen) and Adam isn’t
happy as it would mean more intensive farming. “We’re going to end up with a
dustbowl” he tells Peggy. For her part, Peggy can see where Brian is coming
from - he wants to pass on a bigger farm to his children. She is worried that
Adam might walk away, but he says that he’ll stick it out, for Ian’s sake if
nothing else. Has Adam spoken to Debbie about it? No, he hasn’t and Peggy
suggests that it might be a good idea.

The
following day, Brian returns from a meeting with Bryce, Home Farm’s accountant
and financial adviser, with the news that Bryce thinks they can afford the deal
and that it’s a good idea. Jen is still concerned and says can’t they get a
second opinion? At this point, Adam comes in and tells them that he has spoken to
Peggy, who said that Brian should get in touch with Debbie. Brian protests that
she’s hard to get hold of, to which Adam says that he just rang her mobile and
she picked up. “How is she?” Jen asks, brightly and Adam replies that she was
“alarmed” to learn of the suggested deal “She thought you were out of your
mind” he tells Brian. Brian insists that Adam must have given her a skewed
version of events and: “Don’t worry, Jennifer - I’ll talk to Debbie and give
her the actual, unbiased facts. She’ll soon understand the benefits, believe
you me.” Looks like interesting times ahead at Home Farm.

Kenton
takes time out to help Elizabeth seek out a car for Lily and Freddie’s birthday
(and one car between two teenagers sounds like a recipe for trouble to me). Not
only does he buy himself a red 4x4, but he’s missing a panto rehearsal, which
earns him a tongue-lashing from Lynda. David wasn’t happy when he learned of
the car purchase, as Kenton still hasn’t repaid the money David lent him to
help refurbish The Bull. Things aren’t going very well at the panto (as in
every previous year for the past decade or so) and Kenton criticises Lynda’s
script for being a) too long and b) too boring. Lynda is not one to take
criticism well and tells him that it has been lovingly crafted. Never mind,
Kenton and Toby rewrite the turgid egg-laying scene, including visual jokes and
fart gags, and play it for Lynda. I think ‘apoplectic’ is the word that best
describes Lynda’s reaction. Perhaps nobody will turn up to watch, although I am
sure that it will all come good in the end - it seems that triumph is snatched
from the jaws of disaster when it comes to Lynda’s plays.

When
Kenton was out with Elizabeth, the pair spoke about Dr Richard Locke and his
and Lizzie’s opinions of each other. Elizabeth admits that she has feelings for
the doctor, but is worried, because Shula told her that, when she and Alistair
were going through a sticky patch, Shula developed “a crush” (her words) on
Richard. Elizabeth is worried that, if she and Richard developed a
relationship, might this not hurt Shula? Kenton tells her to go for it, adding
that Shula would be mortified if she thought that she was being a stumbling
block to Elizabeth’s happiness. We await further developments with interest.

Wednesday
was the day of the Family Court Hearing about Rob’s access to Jack and Pat was
apologising to Susan because she (Pat) gave Clarrie the day off to slaughter
turkeys and Pat had totally forgotten about the court hearing, so Susan will be
on her own in the dairy. I find this incredible, as Pat and Helen have talked
about little else over the past few weeks and I cannot believe that it slipped
her mind.

At
the hearing, Helen is nervous that the court might widen Rob’s access, even
though the psychologist’s report is so damning. Helen’s nerves are not improved
when her brief, Anna, tells her that she has known courts in the past that have
totally rejected such reports. Nice one Anna - just what Helen wanted to hear.
As it happens, we are not privy to the actual hearing, but only to the result,
which was a triumph for the Archer family - apparently Ursula kept interrupting
the judge and the result was that Rob’s attempt to change Jack’s name to Gideon
was rejected and - even better - his access to Jack was cut to once a month, at
a contact centre and overseen by a professional. Even better, Rob has to pay
for it. Helen still has reservations - she can divorce Rob, but Jack will have
to see him once a month for the next 16 years. God, is the woman never
satisfied? Anna tells her “Time will heal, Helen; believe me, it will.”

You
will be delighted to know that the vomit stains did come out of Susan’s dress
but, now she can’t take it back to the shop, she’s determined to get some wear
out of it and comes up with the idea of throwing a party. She invites Kirsty,
who would probably prefer to remove her own entrails, and then Susan speculates
about whether there is ‘something going on’ between Justin and Lilian - it’s
the way they look at each other during panto rehearsals (they’re probably
looking longingly towards the exit). Susan also goes all coy about how Roy and
Tracy met in the nightclub and didn’t Kirsty think that they were well suited?
Tracy was sad that she lost Roy in the crowd - a tribute to Roy’s ability to make
himself scarce.

Kirsty
tries to nip all this in the bud, asking Susan if she’s matchmaking (Susan
denies it) and saying, quite sternly, that Susan shouldn’t go around spreading
rumours. Susan exhibits a capacity for self-delusion worthy of Rob when she
replies indignantly: “Me? Spread rumours? I wouldn’t dream of it!”

Over
at the Vicarage, Alan is getting it in the neck from parishioners, complaining
that the Nativity plays are a bit early this year. “Don’t they realise that I
have to organise four plays?” Alan asks, peevishly. Usha is on the way out to
show prospective tenant Anisha Blossom Hill Cottage when Rob storms into the
Vicarage, saying that he needs to talk to Alan urgently.

To
digress, Anisha doestake on Blossom Hill, having haggled about the rent and asked about
traffic noise. Usha asks if she is aware of the recent history and Anisha
replies yes, but it doesn’t worry her and the two go off to seal the deal over
a cup of coffee.

Back
at the Vicarage, Rob is at his ranting best, telling Alan that the court’s
verdict is completely wrong and how could they think that he would hurt his
son? “I love that boy. How is he supposed to get to know me? He’ll be scarred
for life.” Rob seems not to have grasped that the whole point is that Jack
doesn’t get to know him too well and any scarring would result from contact
with his father, not from a lack of it. Alan says diplomatically that the court
believes that this is what is best for Jack, which does little to calm Rob
down.

Rob’s
thoughts then turn to Henry - what must he be going through, not being allowed
to see his ‘Daddy’? A thought strikes Rob - is Henry appearing in the Nativity
play? Alan confirms this and Rob wonders aloud whether he could sneak into the
back of the church and maybe give Henry a Christmas present? Slightly alarmed,
Alan says that the court said that Rob should have no contact with Henry and
Rob’s idea is not a good one.

When
Usha returns and Rob has left, Alan is troubled. He cannot reach Rob, who is
convinced that he is right and everybody else is wrong. “It’s as if there’s a
piece of his brain missing” Alan tells his wife, and Usha urges him not to let
Rob get to him. Alan replies that a bit of him feels pity for Rob and he wants
to make him understand (good luck with that, vicar!). “Perhaps not all mankind
can be redeemed” he muses. Tell you what, vicar, I reckon that Jill Archer
would agree with that 100 per cent, although it’s not Rob that she’d be
thinking off.

Sunday, 4 December 2016

You
can’t please some people, can you? Roy Tucker is - if not desperate, then at
least very keen - to get back into the dating game. Trouble is he’s not that
good at it; although he embraces the latest technology, with Apps and the like,
he still manages to cock it up, sending messages to the wrong girls (he hoped
one girl’s Grandma was feeling better and she replied that she died two years
ago) and it’s making Roy despondent.

Never
fear! Jolene says that he should junk the technology and do it the
old-fashioned way and she shows him a flyer for a 90s night at a club in
Felpersham. He’s interested, as it’s his era. “Maybe a new approach is exactly
what I need.” he muses. The next day he floats the idea to Tom and Jazzer and
the three agree that they are up for it and set off. Jazzer knows the club
manager - he knows everybody - and soon the lads are strutting their stuff on
the dance floor. Or, rather, Jazzer is, as Roy and Tom are keeping a low
profile because Tracy Horrobin has developed the hots for Roy and he can’t
shake her off. Tom goes on to the dance floor and Roy says he’ll join him
later. “Tracy is on the way over” says Tom and Roy is on the dance floor in a
nano-second. As I said, you can’t please some people - Roy wanted a female
companion and Tracy is more than willing to fill the role, but Roy still isn’t
happy.

Leaving
Roy cowering in fear in the club, we turn our attention to matters at Home
Farm. It is getting to the stage where, if I hear the words ‘herbal ley’ once
more, I might not be responsible for my actions. Yes Brian, we know that
results aren’t good and, yes Adam, we know that your vision is going to take
time to prove itself (assuming that it ever does). You can understand Brian’s
point of view, as he’s just turned 73 and, by the time the herbal leys have
proved their worth, he could be in a bath chair, or a coffin. Equally, Adam
could argue that the future belongs to him and his siblings and he’d prefer to
inherit a farm with decent soil. Whatever, the constant repetition of argument
and counter argument is getting on my chimes.

Brian
has introduced another factor into the equation - Justin has asked if he would
be interested in purchasing 337 acres of Estate land, bordering on Home Farm?
The going price is around £2.7 million and, as Brian tells Jennifer, they could
raise £1m from cashing in shares and they could borrow the rest. Jen points out
that it is a lot of money, but she has news of her own and tells Brian about
Justin and Lilian’s affair. Brian demonstrates his caring, human side when he
says “If Justin is involved with your sister, this could be just what clinches
this land deal.”

Brian
runs the idea past Adam, who is immediately wary about incurring such a huge
debt, although Brian waxes enthusiastic about how it would secure the future of
the farm. They walk the land and Adam remarks that the soil is in poor
condition. Brian’s response is that Adam is just the man to improve it. What?
Does this mean that the herbal leys are back in favour? The argument continues
to rumble throughout the week, with Adam going home early on Friday after
supper at Home Farm (Ian had to work and couldn’t make it) saying that he’s
tired.

Jennifer
says that £2.7m is a lot of money “And we won’t be running the farm for ever.”
Brian’s answer is that land is the safest investment there is and, when Jen
chides him for bringing up the subject after dinner, he replies “Adam will be
fine - there’s nothing the matter with a bit of healthy debate.” “Is that what
you call it?” Jen says, dryly. Brian insists that it is not his future that he
is thinking about, rather that of his children and, once he has explained it to
Kate, Alice, Debbie and Ruairi, they’ll realise what a terrific deal it is. I’m
reserving judgement.

Lilian
tells Justin that ‘some of the family’ have found out about the fact that they
are having an affair, neglecting to tell him that Rob also knows. Justin takes
it all in his stride, saying that people were bound to find out at some stage
and the important thing is that Miranda must not be embarrassed. Justin
apologises to Lilian for the fact that he has to spend Christmas Day at home,
but he will be back in Ambridge on Boxing Day and can stay through to New Year.

And
now we look at the farce that is the Carter family’s photoshoot. It is booked
for Tuesday and, on Monday, Susan still hasn’t made up her mind about which
dress to wear. Eventually, Lilian persuades her that she looks good in the
buttercup yellow, but even on the day of the shoot, Susan is still wondering
whether it is the right choice.

You’d
think that it would be comparatively simple to organise a family photograph,
but Susan has turned it into a logistical exercise of monumental proportions,
with a list of worries as long as your arm. First of all, will Chris and Alice
manage to get to the studio in time? Will Ed scrub up sufficiently to meet
Susan’s high standards, or will he have to stand at the back? And look at the
state of Neil’s hands - why didn’t he use Susan’s hand cream, as she wanted?
The reason for this is that he was already having a hard time with Jazzer and
Johnny taking the rise out of him and he didn‘t want to give them more
ammunition.

As
Susan and Neil wait outside the photographer’s studio, she is overcome with
foreboding - there are no lights on inside and no sign of life. Susan phones
them, but it goes to answer phone, so Susan asks for them to ring her back. “Is
that rain?” Neil asks, which does nothing to cheer Susan up. On the plus side,
Emma turns up with Keira, who is looking a bit peaky. Emma explains that there
appears to be a bug of some sort going around.

Susan
gets a message from the photographer - they have overrun on a shoot and cannot
get there until six o’clock at the earliest. In the end, it is decided to postpone
the shoot until a week Monday (God, that means the saga will continue to drag
on). There is the sound of barking and George turns up with Holly. Susan says
there is no way that the dog is appearing in the photograph and Keira pesters
Granddad Neil to be picked up. Susan is still having doubts about whether her
dress is suitable, but Emma says that it looks lovely and she should definitely
wear it in the photograph. Keira is squirming and wriggling and Neil puts her
down. Emma says that Keira is going to be sick and she promptly is - all over
Susan’s dress. We learn the following day that it is possible that the stains
won’t come out. I bet Neil is wishing that he’d let Susan have plastic surgery
and had never mentioned the photo, as presumably his diet will be enforced for
another week and we’ll have another seven days of Susan moaning and agonising
over dresses.

As
Christmas approaches, one thing I would bet my mortgage on is that Toby
Fairbrother will not get a Christmas card from Jill - when it comes to him, she
exhibits a vindictive streak a yard wide. In idle conversation with Rooooth,
her only topic is Toby - what does he do all day? Has he got rid of the still
yet? Rooooth keeps trying to change the subject, but every time Jill drags it
back to Toby. Rooooth says that Pip’s cattle will be sold on Thursday and
she’ll get a big cheque, so the world will be her oyster. By this time, Pip has
come over to see her mother and Grandmother and the conversation is a bit
stilted. It stops completely when Jill suggests that she should leave Toby
behind.

Pip
has a go at Jill - she’s always sniping at Toby. “What will he do next?” Jill
asks, adding somewhat nastily “Smuggling? Poaching?” Pip replies that the gin
is a fantastic idea and, when Jill still won’t let up, Pip walks out.“ ”Now
look what you’ve done” Rooooth says, adding that it might be better if Jill
kept out of Pip’s love life. Not in the least abashed, Jill says on the
contrary; she won’t turn her back on Pip. She rubbishes Toby’s track record and
his attitude to women and says “Believe me; Toby’s no good and the sooner Pip
realises that, the better.” You may be right, Jill, but it’s not really any of
your business, is it?

As
things are going, it looks like there could be a few empty places round the
Brookfield dining table on Christmas Day, but perhaps Rooooth could take a few
scraps over to Rickyard. A word of advice Toby - whatever you do, make sure
that you don’t give David and Rooooth a bottle of artisan gin for a Christmas
present, or a full and frank discussion might ensue.

While
the Pip/Jill/Rooooth conversation is going on, Toby (whose ears must be well
alight) goes to see brother Rex and compliments him on how good the geese look.
Rex says he’s busy and what does Toby want? He also has a go at Toby for
possibly putting his tenancy of Hollowtree at risk by annoying David. Toby says
that he has got rid of the still - it’s in Grundy’s field and also that their
mother would like to see them for a dinner one night. Rex replies that he is
busy - not living off Pip and messing about with gin (who could he be thinking
about, do you suppose?).

Later
on, outside The Bull, while waiting for the Christmas lights switch on (great
radio) the two brothers meet again. “Where’s Pip?” Rex asks. “Getting the
drinks” Toby replies. “Oh yes - she’s the one with the money” Rex says,
prompting Toby to stalk off, saying “At least Pip still believes in me.” “More
fool her” his brother retorts. I don’t know how much Pip got from the sale of
her cows, but I hope Toby gets a job or something to pay his way soon, or Pip’s
hard-earned dosh will vanish like early-morning dew and we won’t be able to
shut Jill up.

Sunday, 27 November 2016

Let’s begin at the end of the week. It looks like
Toby has got his act together over use of the botanicals to flavour his gin and
the latest batch is very drinkable. Toby takes a bottle to Lynda and Robert to
say ‘thank you’ for letting him use herbs from their garden, although Lynda
sniffily points out that Toby actually filched them when she and Robert were
away. Never mind! The gin gets the Snell seal of approval and Robert suggests
calling it ‘Scruff’ instead of ‘Toby’s Gin’, which is the blockbuster of a name
that Toby came up with. How these marketing geniuses do it is beyond me.

By Thursday, there’s another batch ready for
tasting and Pip asks if it matters that it tastes different from the previous
batch. Toby confidently replies that it just proves that it is an artisan drink
and it doesn’t matter. On Friday, David tells Pip that he thinks Toby is just a
freeloader who does vanity projects and, Pip defends her lover, conveniently
forgetting that, earlier in the week, Toby had asked her for money, as he’s
broke. David is not convinced when Pip says that Toby will come good one day
and he says “If he showed half the commitment of his brother Rex, I might
believe in him.” Pip goes off in a huff and David says (to himself) “Oh Pip,
why can’t you see what everyone else can?”

Later on that day, Alistair is at Brookfield,
ministering to a cow with mastitis and he casually enquires “Have you heard
Toby’s latest idea?” “Go on, surprise me” says David, gloomily. I think we can
safely surmise that he was, indeed, surprised, as we next hear him banging on
the door of Rickyard Cottage, yelling “Pip!” at the top of his voice. Pip lets
him in and he is furious, demanding to know where is the still? Toby tells Pip
that he can deal with this and he informs David that they haven’t sold a drop
and all that they have made has been for personal consumption and that of
friends. This does nothing to calm David down and he points out that Toby was
down The Bull, dishing out gin and tapping up Kenton as to possible future
sales. Witheringly, David also says that he has done some research on the
Internet – which Toby patently hasn’t – and it is an offence to operate a still
and not charging for it is irrelevant.

Still incandescent, David offers an ultimatum – get
rid of the still immediately or he will give them notice to quit. “You can’t do
that!” Pip protests, but David is implacable, saying: “I’ve no choice Pip –
either the still goes or you both do; it’s as simple as that.” So, another Toby
Fairbrother idea goes nads up – he’s a bit like a younger, upper class Joe
Grundy when it comes to things commercial. God only knows what sort of banker
he was. As an aside here, for Clarrie and Eddies 35th wedding
anniversary, they were served a meal (turkey, what else?) in the Cider Club
shed and Joe offered Clarrie apple juice, cider or apple brandy – wouldn’t
making apple brandy require the use of a still?

Elsewhere, Rob continues to cast a long shadow. He
returns a scarf to Lilian that he found when collecting papers from the Dower
House and he has put two and two together about her and Justin. “It always pays
to be discreet” he tells her, but she pretends that she has no idea what he’s
talking about. On Wednesday, when Rob has his midweek hour with Jack, he tells
Tony about Lilian and Justin and Tony says that he already knew, but deep down,
he is shocked. When he and Lilian eventually meet up, he asks her how could she
do such a thing – how could she have an affair with the man who hired Rob; “the
man who raped and abused Helen?” Lilian answers that she pleaded with Justin
not to hire Rob, but he insisted it was just a business decision. The
conversation is intense and Lilian is sobbing, when Tony suddenly realises that
this is exactly what Rob wants; to drive the family apart, but Tony won’t let
it happen. “Maybe we can use this to our advantage” he says, enigmatically.

The psychologist has completed her report on Rob
and it is a damning document, as we find out when Pat and Helen read it. It
describes Rob as ‘narcissistic’, ‘exploitative’, ‘self-important’ and ‘with no
concern about other people’s feelings or the consequences of his actions.’
Furthermore, ‘he remains harmful to others’ and the psychologist recommends
that Rob’s future contact with Jack should continue to be supervised and should
be cut to once a month, or maybe even less, ‘due to the level of psychological
and emotional harm that Mr Titchener poses’.

Rob seeks out Alan for a talk and he immediately
rubbishes the report as a pack of lies and that the psychologist was obviously
manipulated by Helen “And all those damned Archers together.” Demonstrating his
acute aptitude for picking up on nuances, Alan replies “So, you’re not happy
with it?” Don’t know why you think that, vicar. Alan tries to get Rob to
consider forgiveness and suggests that he and Helen should channel their love
for Jack into being good parents. “There is no way I will ever forgive Helen”
is Rob’s answer. Better look for a plan B, Alan.

There was one nice moment when, during Rob’s hour
in the tearoom with Jack, the baby won’t stop crying and Rob demonstrates that,
when it comes to being a parent, he’s about as much use as an ashtray on a
motorbike. He refuses to give jack a dummy (“it’s just an excuse for a lazy
parent”) and won’t listen to Tony when he says that Jack is teething. Rob
angrily describes the tearoom as a totally unsuitable place for his contact
visits and, having by this time had more than enough, Tony’s killer reply is
“Well, when your contact goes back to once a month, it won’t be such a problem,
will it?”

Earlier, we mentioned Clarrie and Eddie’s 35th
wedding anniversary and we learned the importance of doing thorough research.
He bought her a conch, because it was the nearest he could get to coral, while
she bought him jade cufflinks, thinking that a 35th anniversary was
jade (it isn’t – for once Eddie was right and it is coral). While on the
subject of Eddie’s cufflinks, I suppose he’ll have to save up till he’s got a
shirt to wear them with. As part of her present, Eddie drove Clarrie to
Barmouth, of which she had fond childhood memories, playing on the beach. Emma
had packed them a hamper, which was apparently very nice and, while strolling
on the beach, Eddie suggested ice creams. Clarrie’s response was that it’s a
bit cold, but she’d welcome a bag of chips. The hamper couldn’t have been that
substantial then. Personally, I can’t see the attraction in walking along the
sea front in late November, but each to his own, I suppose. Clarrie was
disappointed that there were no donkeys, as she remembered from her youth, but
presumably the donkeys breathed a sigh of relief that they wouldn’t have to
transport a middle-aged matron up and down the beach in the depths of autumn.

Alistair and Anisha are moving closer to a
partnership, as she has had the business valued and Alistair admits that her
figure “is in the ball park” and he has instructed his accountant to open
formal talks. She joins him for a drink in the pub, where she learns that he is
related to half the village. Alistair replies that “It’s a very small world
round here and secrets can be hard to keep. Now, I might be reading too much
into this, but are we being prepared for a future romantic involvement, do you
think?

Another big story of the week concerned Adam’s
herbal leys and Pip’s mob grazing cattle. Sunday was Brian’s birthday and Adam
and Ian got him a bottle of Japanese whisky, which was received with a certain
amount of suspicion. Brian also told Adam that he wanted to have a talk about
the whole mob grazing/herbal leys/no-till agriculture situation.

‘Talk’ is a bit misleading, as Brian makes it plain
that he thinks the whole system should be wound up – it is experimental, it is
not producing results and it is unprofitable. Adam is distraught and brings out
all the arguments about how it is a long-term solution to improve the soil and
going back to high-input agriculture is not the answer. Brian cocks a deaf ‘un
and, when Adam asks if he has made his mind up, says “Let’s just say that mob
grazing and the herbal leys are on borrowed time.”

Adam is not the only person devastated by Brian’s
attitude, as, when Adam tells Pip (whose cattle do the mob grazing) she says
“He can’t do that!” Afraid he can, Pip. She asks Adam if she should talk to
Brian, but he says, despondently, that it won’t do any good, as Brian isn’t
known for changing his mind. Still, there is a faint ray of hope, as Brian has
agreed to let the leys be until after the winter so, should there be a
miraculous increase in productivity and soil quality, they might be saved after
all. Of course, Brian is getting on a bit and, if the coming winter is as
severe as some are predicting, or if he has a reaction to the Japanese whisky,
then he might not make it to spring and the leys might be saved.

Sunday, 20 November 2016

Kate goes round to see Lynda to break the news that
Mother Goose is proving impossible to cast and wants to organize a talent show
instead. She blames Alice to whom she ‘delegated’ responsibility for casting,
and Lynda for going away for 3 weeks and not leaving a script, before landing
the coup de grace – the only person they could find to play Mother Goose is
Nathan Booth. Lynda’s at the point of giving up, when Robert squanders yet another
opportunity to kill off the Christmas show by making her a calming cup of
chamomile tea and reminding her that she’s at her best when faced with adversity.
The man has form in this area and it’s about time something was done about him.

So
Lynda goes into recruitment overdrive, and in no time has signed up Susan for
the Queen of Gooseland in the Christmas show. Emma’s wavering about Keira and
George too, even though Eddie previously banned them from taking part. It
look’s like she’s hooked Roy to play Mother Goose’s son Colin and Kirsty seems
to be a shoe-in for love-interest Colinette, but isn’t so sure when she finds
out that Lynda has earmarked Justin to play her father, the Demon Squire. When
Kirsty complains that Justin’s just as bad as Rob (I wouldn’t go quite that
far) Lynda suggests she use her feelings against him to inform her role.

Over at the tearoom Rob’s trying to get Tony to
agree to make changes to his regular contact with baby Jack/Gideon, as his work
will make it difficult to maintain the regular schedule. Tony’s sticking to his
guns and tells Rob that he’ll have to rearrange his work commitments instead.
As he leaves, Rob tells Tony that he’ll see him next week, but at 08:30 –
before the tearoom opens. “Not my problem” is Rob’s response when Tony points
this out, and counters that the court may view him as being obstructive. This
last remark seems to have had the desired effect, as later on Tony tells Pat
and Peggy that either Fallon or Emma will open the tearoom especially early.

Eddie’s
agonizing over how he’ll mark his and Clarrie’s 35th wedding
anniversary, what with having no money and with Kenton recently taking Jolene
away to a ‘swanky spa hotel’ for theirs. Joe hatches a plan to raise money by
making a new batch of their single variety cider, putting it in fancy bottles,
and selling it. When Eddie points out the crop of Borsetshire Beauties has been
less than bountiful, Joe reminds him there are some trees over at Brookfield.
It also turns out that Lynda’s got some in her garden, and Usha helpfully
points out that Lynda’s working and won’t be there, thereby getting round the
fact that Eddie and Lynda aren’t on speaking terms. Lynda’s trees turn out to
be more productive (llama poo?) and they help themselves to as much as they
want before Lynda unexpectedly appears. And what is the penalty for being
caught red handed up a tree scrumping apples I hear you ask? Well, taking part in
the Christmas show of course as a comedy bailiff (Eddie must have seen enough
bailiffs in his time to play that one to perfection).

Meanwhile
Alistair is keen to show Anisha, the prospective new partner in his veterinary
practice, the full range of his activities (I bet he is), and suggests he takes
her to see Bartleby. Anisha gives Bartleby the once-over, and suggests they try
a new treatment for his joint pain that’s had promising results. Joe’s worried
about the cost, but Anisha suggests a special introductory offer, and Joe likes
the idea of being a pioneer so agrees.

Alistair’s
wife Shula is having a heart-to-heart with Elizabeth and explains how Alistair’s
decision to either sell up or go into partnership has given their relationship
a new lease of life. She slips in the fact that her feelings for old-flame
Richard Locke were just a fantasy. Elizabeth’s surprised that she felt that
way, especially as she’s been no stranger to the doctor’s affections.

Lynda
hunts down Adam in a field and interrupts his business conversation with Pip to
invite him to play Mother Goose in lieu of Kenton, and unsurprisingly finds the
idea of being a Kenton substitute less than attractive. Lynda also gets Pip to
try and persuade Toby to take part wearing his ‘Ganderman’ goose costume. Pip
cleverly gets Adam off the hook by suggesting Lynda try David instead, who she
knows hasn’t the faintest intention of taking part, but this little distraction
serves its purpose. Back to Estate business, and we learn that 50 farm
professionals are due on a farm walk tomorrow to see how Adam’s trial of
no-till drilling is coming along. On the day itself Adam confidently gets
things started by giving some background about the floods and the need to adopt
a new approach to soil management, before taking everyone up to see the herbal
leys. Pip does well, and demonstrates how much the cows like the pasture, while
Adam shows off the previously grazed areas.

Toby,
who by now has agreed to be Ganderman in the panto, is telling select people
about a secretive get-together at the Bull that evening, including Kenton, Elizabeth
and Ambridges resident ginophile, Lilian. The meeting turns out to be a tasting
of his Borsetshire gin, which goes down well until Elizabeth asks Toby whether
he distilled it himself. The answer sends Kenton into a panic as he could lose
his licence for allowing ‘moonshine’ to be consumed on the premises. Cue Lynda
who is still on the prowl looking for her Mother Goose. While she’s doing her
best to persuade Kenton to play the lead, Lilian – who has been necking the
stuff, knocks over the bottle and all is about to be revealed when, in an act
of desperation, Kenton agrees to be Lynda’s Mother Goose.

So
the panto is cast, my Christmas is ruined, and Robert Snell is in deep, deep
trouble – again.

Sunday, 13 November 2016

On
Tuesday evening, Lilian took a phone call from Rob - he has seen an AmSide
property - Hillside - on the website and it looks just what he’s looking for,
so when can Lilian show him round? She is stunned - how did he know about the
property, as it has only been on the website for about 10 minutes?

That’s
the question she asks Justin the following day and he admits that he might have
mentioned it to Rob. Lilian cannot believe that Rob would have the nerve to ask
her, but Justin, who seems to have no idea of the depth of anti-Titchener
feeling among the majority of inhabitants of Ambridge, doesn’t see what the
problem is. Lilian says, somewhat incredulously, “You’re talking about the man
who raped my niece and you want me to put a roof over his head?” Justin points
out that Rob hasn’t been convicted of anything and he is lucky to escape
without being struck.

Later
on, Lilian is still in a bad mood and Justin apologises if he had been
insensitive. Lilian refuses his offer of lunch and tells him “How do you think
my family would feel - how would I feel - if I became his landlord?” Justin
suggests that it could be a good thing for Helen, if Rob is free to start a new
life, but “the decision has to be yours alone. As ever, I trust your impeccable
judgement.” That’s not strictly accurate, as, when Justin was thinking of
taking Rob on, Lilian advised against it and Justin ignored her advice.

Lilian
mulls it over and, on Thursday, she tells Rob face to face that she has ‘other
plans’ for Hillside. He retorts that he has found a better property on the
Edgeley Road anyway and drives off. For her part, Lilian goes to The Bull,
inviting Neil and Eddie to join her (“my treat”) to celebrate turning Rob down
as a tenant. Eddie is all for it, but Neil says better not, as Susan will smell
beer on his breath and bang on about the diet again. “But I wouldn’t say no to
one of Wayne’s pork pies” he says, brightly. Well done, Lilian!

You
do have to wonder about the blind spot that Justin has when it comes to Rob -
he treats him as a normal, human being. The only other person who does that is
Alan, and he has to, as that’s his job as vicar. On Friday evening, Justin
invites Rob round to discuss an upcoming takeover - he wants Rob to help him
with the research. Justin asks if he was disappointed at not getting Hillside?
Not at all; in fact, Rob says Lilian has done him a favour, as he’s away from
all the petty prejudice that he encounters in Ambridge.

Justin
seems genuinely concerned, asking Rob if that bothers him much? “I barely
notice it now” Rob tells him, to which Justin observes that it still cannot be
very pleasant. “Water off a duck’s back,” Rob says, adding: “I shouldn’t have
got tangled up with one of the oldest families in the district. I was never
going to get a fair hearing, was I, so why bother fighting it?” Justin calls
this attitude “very philosophical” and Rob replies that that’s the way he’s
always been. “Even at school, I’d rather be right than popular” he says,
inviting the comment that one out of two isn’t bad.

Justin
describes this as “a refreshing approach” and expresses the hope that Rob stays
that way. Is the man insane? The two talk of Charlie Thomas and his
shortcomings and Justin says that Damara and BL are building for the future and
what will be needed in 10, 20 or 30 years’ time. Rob isn’t averse to a bit of
crawling and tells his boss “I don’t have divided loyalties - whatever the job,
you can always count on me.”

Going
back to Thursday, it wasn’t a good day for Rob. As well as getting blown out of
renting Hillside, he receives an unexpected visit from Oliver. Rob is very
affable, inviting him in and Oliver is icily formal, refusing offers of drinks
and seats. Rob apologises for missing the first meet of the season, but he will
definitely be at the next meet. “That’s what I’ve come to see you about” Oliver
tells him.

We
learn a bit later that Rob has been thrown out of the Hunt and he tells Oliver
bitterly “I didn’t think that you’d been taken in by Helen’s slanderous allegations”
and “If the foul things she claimed in court were true, why haven’t I been
arrested and charged? It’s because the police know I’m innocent.” Oliver
replies that it’s nothing to do with Helen; it’s Hunt business. Specifically,
the fact that Oliver knows that Rob lied about the incident with the Hunt
saboteur. It is revealed that Shula has grassed Rob up and he is furious,
saying “Shula is Helen’s cousin - she’s doing this to get at me.” Still
maintaining his dignity, Oliver says “I trust Shula implicitly.” “More fool
you!” Rob rants “The whole family is two-faced!” Oliver calmly lays Rob’s
subscription cheque on the table and says he’d better leave, as Rob shouts “There
are better Hunts in the county who’ll be delighted to have me join, so you and
Shula and all the rest can just go to hell!” This was the day before Rob told
Justin that he barely notices the prejudice he encounters, incidentally. Well
done Oliver - pity you didn’t have your horsewhip with you, but I commend your
restraint.

Toby
returns from Brighton on Sunday and begins unloading boxes at Rickyard Cottage.
It turns out that he has brought back a still and is going to distil his own
gin. Is that strictly legal? Toby thinks it is, telling Pip that he doesn’t
need a licence if he’s not selling it. If that’s true, why aren’t we all doing
it? He tells Pip that they are “Two pioneers, laying down foundations for a
massive business” and she, while still angry because he went off to Brighton
and only told her just before he left, nevertheless reluctantly agreed to act
as his guinea pig gin taster. I’d watch it Pip - knowing Toby, he’ll distil the
sort of alcohol that kills you, rather than makes you happy. It’s a pity that
bullshit is not a valuable, marketable commodity - if it were, then Toby would
be the richest man in Borsetshire, or possibly the world.

I
understand that whisky has to be aged for at least three years, but Toby’s gin
is ready for tasting on Thursday. It’s revolting - he appears to have added
herbs etc by the shovel load and Pip takes one gulp and that’s it. She makes
various derogatory comments, and a suddenly-earnest Toby says that he’ll start
another batch tonight and tweak the recipe. “I need the money, Pip I’ve got to
make this work.” Well, good luck with that, say I.

Elizabeth
is worried because Freddie doesn’t appear to be making any friends at college
and she asks Johnny to keep an eye out for him and talk to him. The two lads
travel home on the bus together on Wednesday and Freddie says that his
classmates tend to keep themselves to themselves. He is regarded as posh (a
couple refer to him as ‘Downton’) and living at Lower Loxley doesn’t help - if
he invites people back, they might think he’s showing off, and if he doesn’t,
then he’s standoffish. Johnny recalls his first few days at college, when
people mocked him for his northern accent. “I’m sorry, I can’t understand a
word you’re saying” Freddie replies, perplexedly. OK, I admit that last bit was
a total fabrication, but it would have been good. In an effort to cheer Freddie
up, Johnny invites him home to share pizza and beer with him and Tom. I’m not
entirely convinced that that is what Elizabeth meant when she asked Johnny to
keep an eye on her son.

At
Home Farm, Adam is being pursued by Brian, moaning about the state of the
autumn crops and how they mustn’t let Justin see how bad they are. Adam unloads
his woes on David, telling him that things at Home Farm are pretty grim - Kate
is bemoaning the lack of people signing up for the panto, Lilian is miserable
(this was when she was a bit arsey with Justin) and Brian is the worst of the
lot. “The main trouble with Brian is - well - he’s Brian” Adam tells David and
apologises for Brian’s rudeness earlier in the week (Brian interrupted their
conversation on Monday to drag Adam off to inspect the bad crops). “I wish he
had more faith in me” Adam says. David tries to be positive, saying how good
the no-till and herbal leys are and Adam mustn’t let Brian wear him down. “I’m
not sure how much more I can take” is Adam’s despondent answer.

On
the subject of the panto, we learn that Alice thinks it won’t happen and she
and Kate are resigned to having a talent contest instead. One person who won’t
be in any panto is Susan, who is extremely annoyed when Kate approached her,
saying that she had just the part for Susan - that of Esmeralda. Susan was
quite pleased, until she saw the description of her character, which read “a
gossipy old crone.” Tact and finesse were never Kate’s strong suits, but her
judgement was spot on in this case.

Having
said that, when it comes to tactlessness, Susan can be right up there with the
best of them. The saga of the Carter family photograph grinds on, as does the
moaning of Neil about his enforced diet (Neil had mushrooms on toast for Sunday
lunch and carrot batons as a snack at the village bonfire), but at least Susan
has finally chosen a photographer.

Even
better, she tells Emma that, as she (Emma) recommended the firm, she will get a
‘finder’s fee’. Emma is delighted, as she is always short of money. And this is
where Susan’s lack of tact is given free rein, as she wonders in front of Emma
whether Ed will want to be in the photograph? After all, it will be very prim
and proper and “Your father and I will be very dressed up.” The temperature
falls a few degrees as Emma replies “Ed won’t mind.”

This
is where Susan should keep her skate-mouth-sized gob firmly closed, but she
cannot help herself, suggesting that perhaps Emma could use the finder’s fee to
pay for Ed to have “A real good grooming session first, at a proper salon.” “Why?”
asks Emma sharply and Susan makes things worse when she goes on “So he won’t
feel out of place,” adding: “As long as he gets his hair cut properly and his
nails tidied up.” The atmosphere is positively glacial now as Emma retorts that
Ed can look very smart and there are about 100 better things that they can
spend the money on. “It’s a really stupid idea” Emma tells her mother, who
sighs and says “OK - I got exactly the same reaction from your dad when I
suggested getting his nose hair layered.”

Never
mind, Susan, if you ensure that Ed is positioned on the edge of the family
group, he can always be cropped off, or Photoshopped out.