Well, Kick Me In The Nuts And Call Me Sally! ESPN To Have ‘Comprehensive Coverage Of Heat Opener’

Never in a million years would I have suspected it, so I am thanking my lucky stars I came across the below press release which drops the bomb that ESPN, via its multitude of entities, will be covering the ESPN Heat-oops, the Miami Heat’s home opener against the…well, does it really matter who they are playing? It’s the Orlando Magic, but who really gives a rip, right?

If you, like me, cannot help yourself but to get supremely annoyed by the institutional arrogance of the Worldwide Leader in Sports and its and hypocritical kowtowing as it pertains to the coverage it grants the Miami Heat, the entire press release follows. Prepare for a whole heaping load of B.S.

Via ESPN Media Zone:

ESPN’s Kia NBA Countdown pregame show and SportsCenter segments will originate from Miami on Friday, Oct. 29, previewing the highly-anticipated home debut of the Miami Heat – with their new core of LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh – when they face the Orlando Magic and Dwight Howard at 8 p.m. ET on ESPN. Hannah Storm will host SportsCenter segments throughout the day from South Beach with analyst Jalen Rose, along with updates by reporter Rachel Nichols, and studio commentators from the arena. Stuart Scott will host Kia NBA Countdown from inside AmericanAirlines Arena at 7 p.m. with Hall of Famer Magic Johnson, Jon Barry and Michael Wilbon.

Additionally, Johnson will conduct an exclusive interview with his former coach and current Heat President Pat Riley. The interview will be aired during the pregame show.

The Heat/Magic telecast will be called by ESPN’s lead commentator team of Mike Breen, analysts Mark Jackson and Jeff Van Gundy, and reporter Doris Burke. The game will also be available via ESPN Deportes, ESPN3.com and ESPN Mobile TV.

In the second game of ESPN’s Friday night doubleheader, the defending champion Los Angeles Lakers will face the Phoenix Suns and two-time league MVP Steve Nash in a Western Conference Finals rematch. The game will also be available through ESPN Deportes, ESPN3.com and ESPN Mobile TV.

Extensive Heat Coverage on ESPN.com

ESPN.com will offer an extensive preview of the Heat/Magic matchup including:

* Michael Wallace reporting on the new Heat vs. Magic rivalry

* John Hollinger’s statistical analysis

* Daily Dime Live, an application on the front page of the NBA section during the game featuring live discussion and observations from ESPN’s deep lineup of reporters, analysts and commentators

* an NBA podcast previewing the game

Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick. Enough is enough already, ESPN. Just cut to the friggin’ chase and give LeBron and company their own goddamn network already. You could call it ESPHeat, or ESPN: The LeBron, or, crap, I don’t know, come up with something yourselves, just so long as it pleases your new god-king, LeBron James, you sycophantic assholes. Now genuflect at the feet of your once and future ruler! Otherwise, you might anger The Greatest One, causing him to reconsider your dedication and subsequently elect to take his talents elsewhere, like Versus or something.