Because ugly duckling is now a swan

Blame it on the a-a-a-alcohol ♪ and you’re just weak

Once in a while, you get half-assed drunk that it becomes a happy memory. Like Katy Perry’s song, Last Friday Night and you’d want to do it all again. Other times it’s just bat shit drunk where you get sick the next day and swear off alcohol. The scarier, sometimes more adventurous type of drunk is the blind ass drunk that you don’t remember what you did in between the time that you were just tipsy and the time that you finally passed out.. until your mates tell you every embarrassing detail and then you also pledge that you would never drink again. Or so you thought.

So. If you can’t stay away from partying and alcohol, you at least promise yourself to not do anything embarrassing or something that you’ll regret in the morning when you get sobered up. Of course, there’s also the issue of date-rape, driving under the influence and other god-awful things that happen to people who party hard. But that’s for another day. We’ll concentrate on not shaming yourself in public or in front of your friends; and let’s say that you are in a relatively safe environment.

1. Confiscate all cell phones, smart phones and any device that will connect you to people and the internet.

In a group, there’s always someone who doesn’t drink. Or at the least, drinks only a little. Assign this person as the keeper. The keeper should never ever yield to the drunk friends begging to get their gadgets back so they can drunk text/tweet when they’re feeling sentimental. Your drunk self might think that it’s a brilliant idea to text, call your ex or tweet such things that your sub-conscious suddenly brought to light. You’re drunk, not rational and smart.

The keeper will give the gadgets back only after they’re sober. This would also ensure that the drunk friends do not lose their gadgets in the course of such an epic night. Your group must make sure though that you can trust this appointed keeper and isn’t some klepto on the loose.

2. Bring an extra shirt just in case.

Even if you do not puke all over yourself (congratulations), you would stink of alcohol and cigarette smoke. Ew.

3. Bring tissues. Lots of it.

You have a lot of issues in life waiting to be discussed over booze and there’s no better excuse to rant, cry like a baby who just shat himself, dance unashamedly, knock over some bottles or even better, pour a cocktail drink all over your body because you thought it’s just so sexy a move, than when you’re getting intoxicated. You may or may not do any of the above but the tissue is not just for wiping away your unbidden tears but also for your friends’ blood coming out of their noses. You speak in straight English, or French, or Spanish or any other second language you learned which your pompous, miserable alter ego does when drunk and you surely entertain your friends with it but they need to stop the blood from flowing down their amused noses.

4. If you can’t confiscate the cameras from your friends, beg them not to tag you when they upload it on the net.

A friend once said that the key is to filter the people who can see the pictures in the net and not those oh-so-funny-you-are-totally-screwed pictures of you and your friends getting increasingly crazy under the influence.

5. Secure a cab fare whatever happens.

You don’t want the cab driver to kick you out to some remote place because he was so pissed that you can’t pay him because oh, you forgot your wallet in the bar.

6. Have fun.

You only live once. Make as many mistakes as you can. Live and learn from it. Of course, there is such a thing as moderation. Do this everyday and you will win one of the following:

alcoholism

liver failure

ruined reputation and relationships

soiled clothes

less money

a sad miserable life

It’s your call.

You can’t blame alcohol. Nobody forced you to party nor drink that hard.