BREAKING NEWS: The Pope reaches out to society, approves JLS condoms for Priests

In a breathtaking step out of the dark ages, the Pope has angered just about everyone by saying that condoms might be useful, “but only in exceptional circumstances” such as providing they withold DNA traces that help prosecute “lackadaisical” Priests and Cardinals.

Marvin, anyone? Do you like Marvin?

A statement released by the Vatican began “In our efforts to reconcile the Church’s traditional teachings with the modernity of society’s misgivings, we’ll give you the condom thing, but we’re using them too, alright?”

A spokesman for he Pope confirmed that “Yes. It is true, the JLS brand of sheathe are His Holy See’s favourite” adding that “Marvin’s little face helps keeps the kids on-side.”

Having altered reality by the Pope’s use of the word “condom” and “JLS” the Catholic Church has stunned the world with their astuteness of all things 21st Century, particularly when the statement read “This is not to be confused with JML condoms, though you could, theoretically, “forgive” the mix-up since both ‘brands’ are equally as tacky as one another.”

The Pope revealled in a candid interview with Vatican state radio that he is hoping to spend less of his money bailing out “careless” church officials who end up in court, and went on to add “Besides, is it not befitting that the Lord, our God made Aston a complete bell-end anyway? The Holy Father is telling us something here, and we must listen to his calling while we wait for the boys to bring out flavoured ones.”

In return for the Papal approval of their condoms, JLS are recording their next album, entitled “Now! That’s what I call progression” in aid of the Church.