We’ve all seen these ads: beautiful, slim models wearing gorgeous, expensive swimsuits. The catalogs come in the mail; the TV weight-loss ads push swimsuit-clad women touting their amazing results; and women’s magazines, lined up in the candy aisle at the grocery check-out, are chock-a-block with stunning women in bikinis. Inside, we realize that these are hyped up images geared to motivate us to buy: the magazine, the swimsuit, the weight-loss program. But most women also feel a twinge of self-doubt looking at these photos. Perfection is not just offered—the subliminal message is clear: if you don’t have a body like this, you aren’t attractive. I think that’s a shame, as I’ve been working with thousands of men and women all over Michigan for many years, and not a single one of them were unattractive. Sure, they had features they wanted to change, but that was to make them happier with their appearance—not to make them supermodels. There isn’t a surgical procedure that I can perform to change your body into that of the Photoshopped images in the magazines, but there are several that we can think about that will improve your appearance a great deal. Here are some of them.

Sensitive medical documentation has been leaked, perhaps by Santa’s own personal physician, Dr. Nick Kringle, that the jolly old elf—Santa himself—suffers from gynecomastia—AKA moobs, manboobs, and other less-than-complimentary terms.

Perhaps it’s time to have a frank discussion about gynecomastia, as we suspect the leak is true! Santa is known to be fond of cookies and milk, leading to obesity (sorry, but it’s true), so we’re pretty certain he has gynecomastia, as most obese men have it. Although we aren’t sure Santa would be interested in eliminating his man-boobs or—the more proper description—enlarged breast tissue, we do know that lots of men in Michigan suffer the embarrassment of gynecomastia. Since there’s only one Santa, we can safely assume that the other men with enlarged breasts (A) aren’t Santa and (B) might like to know what can be done to safely and effectively treat this concern.