“Medic takes Bionicle characters and puts them in the roles of TF2 mercenaries”

On the request of a single person, I’m writing this article. For those of you who don’t know, Bionicle was a LEGO franchise that started in 2001 and ended in 2010. The story started off with a bunch of mechanical heroes called Toa, protecting small, child-sized robots called Matoran on an island paradise from all sorts of evil or misguided nasties and evolved into one of the strangest stories around. Enemies include mind-controlled animals, the just-doing-their-job Bohrok and the terrifying, somehow snake-like Rahkshi. Spoiler, the good guys win. For more information, Biosector01 has pretty much everything in it. What if you don’t like Bionicle? Well, you get to see some of my badly-drawn art, so that’s a bonus.

In this article, we’re going to discuss which Bionicle character does the job of the Team Fortress 2 character the best. I’m also going to list a species, since the characters are all sorts of different colours.

“Alright, Tahnok, you stay here and keep an eye out for Spies. Fail and I’ll turn you into a Boxor, got it?”“…”

Scout
Who’s really fast, really annoying and really punch-able in the Bionicle world? Pohatu fits the first one and he’s only really annoying to Kopaka as a joke, but I can’t punch him in the face. When the Toa first came out, all Pohatu had was a rock as a friend. Tahu gets a fire sword, Onua gets claws, Gali gets some cool hooks, Lewa gets an axe and Kopaka wins the jackpot with a sword and shield. Pohatu gets a rock. So no, Pohatu can’t be Scout. Instead, I’ve picked out the now-dead former Dark Hunter former Toa guy Nidhiki. As his Toa self, preferably. A fast, sneaky bastard, but not very smart either. Also seemingly attracted to females, at least more so than most beings. Scout falls in love with every woman he sees and since there’s little romance in the Bionicle universe, Nidhiki will have to do.

Species-wise, there are lots of fast-moving species but I think an Av-Matoran would do well here. They’re stronger than most other Matoran and they know how to be acrobatic and use jetpacks. Couple them with a Toa and a Glatorian or two and they’re pretty damn powerful.

Soldier
Toa Lhikan, I choose you! Now, a big spoiler alert here. If you haven’t seen any of the Bionicle storyline after 2004, look away now. Then again, that was 10 years ago. Toa Lhikan is a soldier. He’s led troops into battle and fought in wars. He knows how to lead and he’s a stern Fire Toa to boot. Small problem is, Lhikan was killed by his mutated, confused, exiled, twisted brother Nidhiki in 2004 and his mask was given to former leader of the Ta-Koro guard, Jaller (who was my second choice for the spot of Soldier).

Nonetheless, that’s where the Red Star comes in! Apparently that thing has been bringing people back to life for years and no one’s noticed. Lhikan’s one of the Toa stuck up there and hopefully everyone’s favourite Toa, Kopaka and Pohatu, will find him. As a bonus, having Nidhiki as a Scout will eternally annoy Lhikan.

Generic species choice goes to the Glatorian. They’re basically designed to fight and defend honor for their tribes and they’d make good soldiers too.

Pyro
My choice for the Pyro is actually not that obvious. People are probably screaming at me, saying that Tahu, the Toa of fire, former Toa Nuva, former Toa Mistika, is the perfect person for the job. He’s not. Not even close. Thing is, while he’s a master of fire and probably one of the most powerful Fire Toa around, the issue is that 1. he’s not a maniac and 2. he’s not mysterious. I’d also like to add a 3. Tahu does not fancy Gali, they’re siblings, stop writing shitty fanfics about them, or Kopaka or Lewa or any other Toa for that matter. The only permissible romantic fanfics you can write are Macku/Hewkii and Jaller/Hahli. That’s it.

Sorry, got sidetracked there. I’ve got a lot of pent up anger related to the Toa I pretty much grew up with. But yes, my choice for Pyro is one of my favourite creatures, the humble Tahnok. Is Tahnok a mute? Technically, yes. Is Tahnok mysterious? Yes, because I refuse to believe that the millions upon millions of Bohrok were all once Av-Matoran. Is Tahnok fiery? Yes. Is Tahnok genderless? Yes. Does Tahnok have a desire to see everything burn? Heck yes.

As for species choice, again, it’s got to be a Bohrok. Clean it all, right?

Demoman
I’m torn here. My choices here are one of the Piraka, crazy monsters who like killing and blowing things up, or Pohatu again. His siblings once described a certain tactic as “doing a Pohatu”, which consists of causing wanton destruction then not being present when it all explodes. Pohatu also apparently destroyed an entire fortress, which he had a lot of fun doing.

For the generic species, I pick a generic Toa. I could have picked a Skakdi or a Skrall or something, but Toa have that sheer raw power that demomen carry in spades.

Heavy
Brutaka. Brutaka Brutaka Brutaka. For those of you who don’t know who he is, he seems like a mindless brute but he’s intelligent and probably one of the most powerful people around. I wanted to say Axonn here, but Axonn’s always been a goody-two-shoes and he’s not big or strong enough to carry a massive minigun or something. Alright, Axonn has the massive arms but he’s just too short for the job. The Toa Inika are nearly as tall as him, dammit.

As for a generic species? Whatever Brutaka is, his species. Brutaka’s species doesn’t have a name yet. Sadly, it probably never will.

Engineer
My choice for Engineer is a fellow inventor. He used to be a crazy Matoran, albeit a highly intelligent, inventive one, and now he’s a Toa of earth. He DOES have an interest in explosives, but there are far crazier people out there who can be a Demoman. While he was a Matoran, he designed multiple things, including the Vahki (the robotic creatures that appeared in 2004) and the Boxors, vehicles designed to knock out Bohrok and Bohrok Va, using bits of dead Bohrok. If you think about it in a way, this guy used bits of dead Matoran to kill other bits of dead Matoran.

For a generic species, I think a Matoran would fit best here. Small, weak but with access to powerful tools. Yep, a Matoran.

Medic
It couldn’t be anyone other than Mutran, the crazy, delusional genius member of the Brotherhood of Makuta, a being who spent a lot of his time making genetically engineered monsters. Of course, Mutran was a Makuta, thus he was obviously very evil, but oh well, Medic’s evil too. To quote the evil genius, “What just happened? And that was repulsive so how could we make it happen again?”

Since Makuta are generally evil bastards with only their own intentions in mind, I’m sure a generic Makuta would be a cool Medic.

Sniper
This was a hard choice because guns, particularly sniper rifles, are rarely used within the Bionicle universe and they were barely used at all until 2006 with the zamor launchers. Kanoka discs and Rhotuka spinners were a pain in the ass to aim and/or didn’t go very far and don’t count. But my choice here is fairly unexpected. It’s Kopaka, but not the good-looking Kopaka from 2001/2002, nope, I’m talking about Phantoka Kopaka, when he had a pair of wings and a laser coming out of his scope-eye. The fact that Kopaka has a scope for an eye did help this decision but it’s also the fact that he has a silly gun, like the Sniper rifle, and a silly knife, like the Kukri, that make me pick him. Kopaka is also the loner of the Toa Nuva, but he generally has time for good old Pohatu.

As for a generic species to represent the class? The Vortixx. For those of you who don’t know, they’re the species that Roodaka belongs to. They’re ruthless but professional beings with access to weaponry that can kill from a distance.

Spy
For Spy, I could not suggest anything other than a Makuta or a Rahkshi. But since Rahkshi are machines, I’ll use them for the Species choice. Character-wise, I think the silent Makuta known as Vamprah gets the job done here. Silent but deadly, spending hours stalking his prey, not to mention the shapeshifting powers that all Makuta own that mimics disguising so well, Vamprah and Spy would find it quite pleasant sitting together in a room smoking cigarettes and whatnot. But since Vamprah kicked the bucket, I guess Roodaka, everyone’s favourite evil backstabbing bitch, can take his place.

Species choice, as mentioned earlier, is almost certainly a Rahkshi. Vicious, stealthy monsters that cause panic and paranoia but seem to be easily destroyed once they’ve been spotted, particularly if they’re Turahks or Vorahks or something like that.