She wants to marry her BF. Instead she's chasing him away. Dating Advice

Dear Veronica,

and thought it was wonderful. I hope you
might have some advice for me. I am 39 years old and was married years ago and
never thought I would want to remarry, but in the past year, I have changed my
mind, and think about a life with my boyfriend in a marriage. I have been
dating a guy whom I love for about 3 years now, and living with him for the
past 2. About 6 months ago, we had a fight that led to us spending some time
apart, and within a month, were back to dating, but not living together. My
boyfriend is 32, and has never been married, and says things like “one day you
will be more than just my girlfriend”. A few weeks ago, I overheard him on the
phone talking with a friend he hasn’t spoken with in years and he told his
friend that he had a girlfriend, and that we were having some trouble, and he
moved out, but if things work themselves out, we may live together again. He
then said that he thought about marriage, but realizes that it is not in his
nature and that he may need to grow up and make a commitment to just one women,
and that he knows that is wrong, but he is trying to change.

I have been completely freaked out since I
heard him say this. He has gone back & forth on the topic of marriage since
I met him. At some points he has said he would like to get married, and at
other times, I think he is just afraid…..or he is not sure that I am the right
girl for him. I have always been a believer in that if a guy is not sure, then
it is a NO. Yet, I can’t seem to walk away, because I have hope that maybe I
need patience with him, and he will want that type of commitment. Part of me
thinks that marriage to him is the official end of his bachelor hood, which
even though he is a mellow guy, would be devastating to him.

Basically, I have these feelings like I must
not be good enough in his eyes, or he would want that commitment to. I am
afraid to waste these prime years of my life and only have him say, no, I just
don’t see it in our future. I know this is convoluted, but much of what you
responded to is in reference to younger couples. I wondered what your thoughts
were in regards to my age, and what he could be thinking. Should I stay longer?
I love him, and believe he loves me, but think he would be just content to
spend the unforeseeable future dating / living together and never getting
married. Not sure why this isn’t enough for me. Almost like marriage validates
our relationship.

Dear Kitten222,

Let’s break this down. You
began dating 3 years ago, when he was 29. He had just completed his Saturn
Return/Rites of Passage changes. This means, he understands himself. He knows
what he wants, he knows who he is. He has the capacity to understand long term
commitment. He got into this relationship with you in a good frame of mind,
fairly sure of who he is and what he wants, and was probably giving it his all.

Then something changed.

Two things you wrote stand
out here. One is that you said in the last year you’ve changed your mind about
not wanting to get married again. It sounds to me like this was the big change:
suddenly you became interested in and focused on getting married.

I’m trying to factor in what
he said: that one day you’d be more than a GF. While it’s a purposeful avoidance of certain terms, it still
shows he was rolling with your change and making the effort to adapt to it.

And then the “change” became
worse.

After 6 months of his trying
to roll with your change, you said you two had a fight. This is the second
thing that stands out in your situation. You two spent time apart over this
fight, and he’s even referenced the fight as trouble in the relationship. I have to think the fight was marriage/commitment
related.

I wouldn’t focus on the
conversation you overheard. Men tend to speak to impress, not to share,
especially when speaking with buddies about babes. I’m not saying I think he
was lying. I think he was being truthful, I just doubt that he was expressing
his whole truth. There’s probably feelings he’s having that temper the ones he
expressed. And you don’t really know the history with the person he was
speaking with. He may have been posturing or playing things down for a reason
you don’t even know. He may have purposefully reached out to a friend not in
his current circle just so he could vent. It may mean nothing.

Focus instead on yourself.
Think about the way you’ve changed over the past year. Compare what it must
have been like for him to be around you during the first year together. Now
compare that with the way it must be for him to have been around you for the
past year. Try to be honest, this won’t be easy. A year ago were you fun,
playful, living in the moment, happy with him and letting him know it? In this
past year are you not so fun? Are you serious too much? Do you pick, and push
sometimes? Is the experience of seeing you not as pleasant for him as it used
to be? Do you think that when he’s around you he’s thinking – wow, not so great
anymore.

You have two things to consider...

One is your own
speculation:

“I love him, and believe he
loves me, but think he would be just content to spend the unforeseeable future
dating / living together and never getting married. Not sure why this isn’t
enough for me.”

The other is, consider how
you’ve changed, and how that has changed the relationship. You can’t expect him
to just change when you change. And you can’t throw a lobber into the
arrangement you have, like marriage, and expect it to just be absorbed.

My advice is to go back to
square one. Fix the damage first. After you’ve realized how much you’ve changed
since you changed your mind on marriage, go back to being the you he used to be
in love with, the you he knew, the you that built the good relationship in the
first place.

Make being around you a
positive solid experience again. Show him in deeds and smile and comfort how
you really do belong together, how he was right to be with you. Completely drop
the marriage talk. If he brings it up, blow it off. “Oh we’re having such a
beautiful day, don’t worry about stuff like that, let’s just have fun.” This is
going to take some time. I’d give it a good 6 months to a year.

After the relationship is
repaired and it feels like the two of you are your old selves again, then and
only then can you re-visit the subject of marriage.

This time, approach it much
differently. Never lose sight of the relationship you have, and the happiness
you share. Don’t damage that. Build on it. Ask him to have a serious discussion
with you about your future. Don’t nag, threaten, or give ultimatums. During
this talk keep smiling and telling him how happy he makes you. Tell him you
want to spend your life exactly as you are spending today: with him. But be
clear that you would like to get married after all. Then ask him how he feels
about that. Then shut up.

Listen. Listen to what he
says. Coax him to share. Nothing has to be decided in this first conversation.
You are the one introducing a change to the original agreement, so you need to
be the patient one. Validate his feelings. Let him know you care about what he
wants. Thank him for talking about this. Then let it go, leave the ball in his
court for a while.

The odds are good that he
will bring it up again. Keep your mind open to compromises he may suggest: a
commitment ceremony instead of a wedding, a date on the calendar a year or two
away where he says he’ll be ready to give you a ring, whatever baby step he is
willing to take, accept it. I have the feeling he will come around, but not if you
don’t handle this delicately.

Keep in touch, let us know what happens.

This hub

was written by Veronica for Hubpages. If you are reading it elsewhere, it has been stolen.

All test is original content by Veronica. All photos are used with permission. All videos are courtesy of youtube.com

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v_we 7 years ago

i've been reading through your hubs since I sent you my question and I just wanted to say that you are fabulous and I'm so glad that I stumbled upon you stuff and while I'm still not sure about what's going on with my situation, I know you'll give some wonderful advice, like you have on all the ones I've read so far today.