Friday, October 17, 2014

Getting to Know your Penis

A Practical Guide for the Adolescent Male

circa 1953

Hello and welcome to Getting to Know your Penis. This is where we'll be introducing you to your penis and the magical things that allow your penis function not only as a sex organ, but also expel waste! Pretty cool, eh? Your penis is terribly efficient!

Section 1: Boners

Now, you're probably wondering about boners. You've probably heard your mom mention them when she talks about work. What are boners? Are they made of bone? No, friend, the human body has 206 bones in its body, but the penis does not contain any bones. When you're born, you had 270 bones in your body, but most of those fused into other bones and some were removed at your bris by Glenda the Snake Woman. Isn't that fascinating?

So if your boner contains zero bones, what makes it rigid when you rub it against teen girls on the bus? Well, scooter, the answer might surprise you: no one really knows! There are just some questions that science can't answer. Some scientists speculate that boners are conjured up by demonic forces that are triggered by exposed female flesh. Another popular theory is that women cause boners with their minds to either mate with or humiliate males.

Section 2: Gay Boners

Sometimes when you shower with the boys, you get that stray boner that you can't for the life of you figure out. Don't worry, champ, that's totally normal and doesn't make you a gay. It's only gay if your coach tells you it is. Always listen to adults!

Section 3: Spermatozoa

As you may have noticed, sometimes boners may cause thoughts of touching yourself until you have an eruption of cloudy liquid. What is this liquid, you might ask, and what is this eruption? Well, tiger, this is spermatozoa, the sacred, life-giving, egg fertilizer flowing in your ejaculate. The spermatozoa is the male reproductive cell. And when spermatozoa isn't placed into the correct receptacle (the vagina), it turns into ectoplasm.

ec·to·plasm/ˈektəˌplazəm/

A supernatural viscous substance that is supposed to exude from the body of a medium during a spiritualistic trance and form the material for the manifestation of spirits.

​Ectoplasm is formed when ​God is angry you wasted your precious seed. The liquid you see is the remains of the baby you killed and sent to Limbo, where all dead, unbaptized babies go.

Each spermatozoon is precious. It's also shaped like a tadpole, with a head and a flagellate tale. Each ejaculate contains 300,000,000 to 400,000,000 spermatozoa, but only one spermatozoon will fertilize the female ovum. There are no prizes for participation here, just like in gym class! Only the strongest win.

* It's important to note that you should never, ever get any spermatozoa in your mouth or anus. When spermatozoa can't find the ova, they consequently release an enzyme that has been proven to cause the gayness.

Section 4: Balls

Sometimes we sit on them, sometimes we get them stuck to the insides of our thighs after an intense game of hoop-and-stick, but just what are these fleshy mounds that hang pendulously between male legs? You guessed it, sport, they're balls. The penis gets most of the attention in this presentation, but don't overlook the importance of your balls. Inside each wrinkled ball sack, two chambers are housed. These chambers keep the souls of all your unborn children in the form of spermatozoa.

Always protect these keepers-of-the-souls by wearing the appropriate gear during practice and game time. You don't want to kill babies, do you? Of course you don't, kiddo.

Section 5: Waste

The first thing you ever did with your penis was urinate with it, so you might be wondering why your waste is expelled in the same orifice as the sacred spermatozoa and ectoplasm. Fear not, friend, urine is sterile. Nothing in that urine can hurt baby souls, and we have the scientific data to prove it! By combining two processes to one orifice, you are the more efficient machine compared to females with separate holes for peeing versus accepting spermatozoa and birthing babies. This is why we only pay them 53¢ to our dollar!

Section 6: Sex

< Redacted due to questionable immoral content by the Censorship of Teaching Materials Committee by Advocates of Senator Joseph McCarthy and Friends >

So, in conclusion, you now know the basics of your penile functions, and additionally, how to please your partner, whom you married in the eyes of God.