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Enforcing bedtime when your child won't go to sleep

Bedtime: a simple concept, at least in theory.Photo: MNStudio/Fotolia.com

David Kates

Published: January 6, 2015 - 10:46 AM

Updated: January 6, 2015 - 2:05 PM

With the new year upon us and the holiday season quickly fading into memory, our household is looking ahead to a host of new parenting challenges for 2015. And right now, the one that has all but consumed us is our oldest daughter’s refusal to go to bed.

It’s not a new thing, to be sure. Now three and a half years old, our daughter has been challenging us over bedtime for quite a while. But recently, things have really taken a turn. Her bedroom door opens literally the moment it’s closed. We march her back, but she comes out again seconds later. She constantly finds new excuses to stay up, which by now have prolonged her going-to-bed routine to the point of absurdity.

And when we tell her to go back to bed, she refuses – no matter how much we plead, bargain, raise our voices or threaten to take away privileges. Standoffs like these are now a nightly occurrence, and it’s not getting us anywhere.

Things weren’t always this way. When she was a toddler, an orderly storytime routine was followed by a hassle-free bedtime. We could calmly set her down in her crib, then later in her bed, and she’d go to sleep without incident. The entire bedtime routine could be over and done with in about a half hour (or 45 minutes on a bath night). These days, we’re lucky if it takes an hour.

Troubles arose when she learned how to open her door, and they’ve compounded ever since. But during the holiday season, with our family temporarily off of our regular daily schedule, the situation reached a point where we now have to step back and consider how we got so far off-track – and find some solutions.

Why is this happening?

The first thing we need to understand is why things have gotten to this point. Sure, we have a precocious, smart girl who is testing our limits at every opportunity. Some of it is just typical of her age. But is it possible that we somehow dropped the ball?

“The truth is, many kids just don’t want to go to bed at night,” writes social worker James Lehman in Empowering Parents. This can be for a variety of reasons, he notes, but a major one is a perceived need to be in control. And with our daughter, we have a power struggle on our hands.

The key, says Lehman, is to minimize the struggle. Don’t make bedtime an unpleasant experience. Don’t look for arguments. Don’t go in expecting a fight, or you’ll almost certainly wind up with one.

Breaking the cycle – and settling into a better routine

Thankfully, she’s still young, so there’s plenty of time to find a new direction. But how do we break the cycle? Here are a few professional recommendations.

Positive reinforcement.According to Dr. Jacob Teitelbaum, children simply want to make choices for themselves. So while setting rules and boundaries is important, allowing kids to have responsibility for their own actions can avert a nightly standoff – and rewarding them for being responsible can be effective. He recommends giving stickers or other small rewards whenever bedtime goes smoothly. Another suggestion is a star chart: “Every night that [our daughter] didn’t get up, she got to put a sticker on the chart in the morning,” writes Molly Skyar, a mother of two.

Tighten up the routine. “Children actually love routines,” writes Dr. Susan Rutherford, a clinical psychologist. “They brush their teeth, go to the potty, read a book, maybe talk about their day a little bit with mommy… and then it’s night-night time.” Make things predictable: bedtime should be roughly the same time every night, with the same number of stories and the same to-do items checked off the list. Minimizing variation in the routine means the boundaries and expectations are clear.

Stay one step ahead of them! Part of tightening up the routine means getting to know the excuses your child makes to stay awake – and learning how to pre-empt them. If they get up to ask for water, make sure they have a cup of water already in the room. If they often come out later and ask to go to the bathroom, make sure they always go before they go to bed. If they have a favourite stuffed animal, make sure it’s already in their bed.

‘Quiet time’ is good enough. Even if they’re not going to sleep right away, quiet time is the next best thing: at least they can still understand bedtime as time to settle down. If they’re reading books in bed, that’s still ok; as long as they’re staying in bed, it won’t usually take long for them to fall asleep.

Don’t get angry! This can be easier said than done in the heat of the moment. It can be extremely frustrating when you’re trying to enforce the rules and your child refuses to listen. But anger never helps. It only leads to more anger – and further defiance. The key is to be firm in our resolve as parents. “If a child emerges after being put to bed,” says Dr. Rutherford, “you can escort him or her back to bed saying, ‘You know that we don’t get out of bed after we’ve read stories.'” Be clear about the rules, and be clear when they’ve been broken.