Just a fairly ordinary 15 year old girl called Jess Leech. I'm just living my life like the next human being and writing about it and capturing moments of it with a camera.

Tuesday, 19 April 2016

Facing your worst fear

Everybody has a worst fear whether that is spiders or death. Mine happens to be vomit and vomiting (emetophobia) and I have no idea why although I think I have a fear of not being in control which has a lot to do with being sick. When you are sick, you are not in control- it happens without warning and you can't do ANYTHING to stop it from happening. Whereas if you have arachnophobia (fear of spiders) you can avoid coming across spiders or just run away from the situation, but with sick, it just jumps out on you randomly and abruptly and you can't escape the situation. You also aren't in control of ANY of your senses- you see, feel, smell, hear and taste the sick whether you want to or not.

Recently, I was sick and could not do anything about it. It had been 5 years since I was last sick and ever since then I have been living my life in fear of if and when it would next happen. Sad right? Why live your life in fear over a bodily function? It's just like weeing or pooing I guess, it's a just your body's way of getting out substances from your body; it's human nature.

I used to think that I was being punished for something each time I vomited, like there was a God out there telling me off for something I did. I didn't know why my body was making me feel disgusting and why it was purposefully harming me. However after this recent bug, I realised that my body was making me go through this because it was HELPING me, it was getting whatever bad thing that was inside me out.

I have to accept that this is a natural thing that a person or animal in the world goes through every six seconds or so.

I have to accept that I can't do anything to prevent it from happening, fate has all the events in my life already lined up and I can't alter it if I tried.

I have to accept that someday I will be sick again but it's how anyone's body copes with bad things, it needs to get out your system to make you better; it's doing it for your benefit and not to make you feel worse but to make you feel better.

I was surprised how much better I felt after I was sick, I'm not sure if this because it was 4 am in the morning and I felt completely done with life, but it made me realise that it's actually quite a clever thing that your body has invented because it makes you better (if that makes sense). I am quite interested in science so if I think of vomiting in this way then hopefully it will change my thoughts on it and weaken my fear.

I learnt that although it feels so horrific and disgusting at the time, it only lasts 5 mins maximum and it's over SO quickly, 5 minutes of your life is literally NOTHING. The thing that scares me though is when will happen next? How bad it will be? When it will happen again? How bad will that be and then when it will happen next time?!...etc. It's an absolutely horrible cycle of thoughts but you've got to remember that life goes on and your body takes control for a reason- TO MAKE YOU BETTER not worse!

According to wiki:

This is actually pretty accurate for Wikipedia :p. I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks because of my emetophobia which really sucks because why should such a beneficial common bodily function be scary? I think every fear sounds irrational and ridiculous to be honest because they just never make sense.

But I've learnt that it's okay to not know all the answers to everything eg why I have this phobia, why or how I got the bug, if I even had a bug, when is it going to happen next etc.

Bad things are going to happen and you've got to accept that and know that life will always go on and it will always turn out alright in the end no matter how crap it feels at the time. I think this applies to a lot more things than just emetophobia, it's an all round good life lesson.

A bad day doesn't mean a bad life.

It was almost like I had been waiting ever since I was last sick, to vomit again and so I had been living my life in fear for all that time. As you could guess that has taken me a while for it to sink in and realise what had just happened (I still don't think it's actually hit me). For 5 years I had been trying to avoid everything to do with germs and sick and everything that could possibly give me a chance of vomiting. But it turns out that nothing can prevent it from happening. I had been waiting for that moment to come and it did... but I'm still breathing and the world has not ended!

I think since I'm older now I can see the bigger picture and I need to realise that there are so much worse things happening in the world currently such as all the innocent people dying in Japan and Ecuador because of the earthquakes. It's sad and sounds stupid to compare throwing up to people dying and natural disasters but if you are an emetophobe you will understand that that is just the way we think and we can't help it.

You just need to go with the flow of life and try and not think of the past because yesterday is over and tomorrow hasn't even happened yet, we need to live in the present, live in the now because life is too short to worry about things yet to come.

Life is going to throw some bad stuff at you but you've just got to get through it and as long as you are still breathing you are alright; life will go on.

I feel quite proud of myself because I faced my fear and I know you're thinking "well you didn't have a choice" and "it happens to everyone, just deal with it" but it was really hard for me, it's a big thing that has happened but I've got through it and the world didn't end :)

I hoped this has inspired some of you to be brave and face your fear and get on with your life and if any of you want to share some of your fears or situations that have happened to you please feel free to comment them below- I would love to hear your about your courage and inspirational journeys of your lives.

Fun Fact: Cameron Diaz has emetophobia, it's more common than you think, you're not alone.

4 comments:

I really liked this, I too have a fear of being sick. So bad that it would leave me shaking, in hot sweats and bed ridden as I was terrified of moving incase I would be physically sick. This is a very inspiring post, well done for all the time and effort you've put into it! x

Thank you so much for reading and for your very kind words about my post <3 What you've been through sounds really dreadful and I hope you're okay. It is such a horrible fear but we have the strength to get through and conquer it :) x