Am i a horrible person?

Ok so on top of feeling sad i am also angry that MY baby was taken (and all you ladies too as no one deserves to go through this) but i cant help thinking why us when we wanted it so much im dreading goin back to work as as i said i work with babies and lots of people i think who dont 'deserve' their babies when me and hubby waitied til the 'right' time...til we were both settled in our jobs, had some money behind us, had our house, got married, both wanted it etc and yet this happens to us and yet so many people get pregnant so easily or by accident or when they dont even want to (a friend of my sisters sticks in mind) and all i can think is why me and why not them!

That sounds really bad its not that i am wishing this on any1 its just that i think well if babies have to die as life is shit then why doesnt it happen to mums who dont want to be pregnant or didnt mean to be - why is us who want it so much seem to struggle the most? My mum was 10 years before she could get pregnant and she said it used to hurt her seeing all the young girls get pregnant so easily or 'by mistake' and i just think that my baby would have a much better life than half of those poor babies i see so why are they born to mothers who dont want them? :\?

Life is so shit and cruel and hard sometimes and i suppose its cause my mum was taken from me to that i feel so bad but as part of my job i am meant to support people who chose to have abortions (this is hard for me anyway as in my personal opinion abortion is wrong...i dont judge people who chose to have one i personally just dont agree with it) but usually i am able to put my personal feelings aside and just get on with it and be professional as its part of my job however now i kno i will really struggle with this as they will be choosing to kill their baby and i had no choice in losing mine and i dont know what i am going to do now!

Please dont jump on me for this as i cant help how i feel just now as im still feeling really jealous when i see people who are pregnant or who have just found out and i know thats terrible to but i was so annoyed and actually upset to hear that Coleen Rooney is pregnant and i dont even like her!!! She has no impact on my life what so ever but it annoys me and i just think again 'why her' she got married a few weeks aftr me so maybe it comes down to that and that fact that im approaching what would have been 12wks and i should be looking forward to announcing it...my scan next week to check the clots away should be my 12+5 scan and i should be goin home with lovely pics to show everyone :cry:

I dont know my head is all over the place at the moment i want so much to be a mum again and im scared this will happen again...i have so much respect for you ladies who have gone through this more than once the strength you show is an inspiration but you all seem to be much nicer than me as i seem to be the only bitter nasty person and i know im wrong for thinking the way i do..

I think that i am being punished and that i dont deserve a baby maybe as im so nasty but if im such a horrible person does that mean it'l happen again?? (Thats not meant to sound like u r all nasty people and deserve it or anything) i just feel like im bein punished for sumthin and i dont know what!

Sorry everyone for this moan, all me rant but i keep singing between sadness, bitterness, anger and resentment and then back to sadness and just feeling empty, alone and void..like a failure!

Oh Lauz! I do understand how you feel it is just bloody unfair i have now had two miscarriages and like you i waited until i was in the right place and i waited ages and then both times it was taken from me and like you i was sooo angry!I don't know how you have coped without your mum and i think you must be both very strong and very brave! I wish i could say something to make you feel better but i know that when i was where you are now nothing anyone said made any difference and it seemed that the t.v was full of stories pf people who had babies and then treated them like crap ( i mean where is the justice in that ).All i can say is that your af will come and you will be able to try again and at some point your luck will start to turn it has to and i am going to give it a bloody big nudge if it doesn't!

I just feel so horrible and without my mum so alone as i have had no support from anyone (apart from hubby and all lovely ladies on here and Harvey lol)

Im sorry you have had to go through this twice now...

It just feels like babies are everywere at the minute tho doesnt it??

Nudge my luck for me then please as ive only ever had shitty luck and if i didnt have that then i would have no luck...

I just want af to turn up (even tho i know its at least anoher 2 weeks away but more likely 4 or 5 grr) and then i will feel a bit better as at least can ttc again which is at least a positve step towards becoming parents it is not to replace Poppet as i never can they will always be my first baby in my heart its just sadly we never got to meet them and my i know my mum is now looking after them for me....

I don't think you can be blamed for how you feel but you need to let go of this idea you are being punished. There is nothing you have done to deserve this. You sound like a responsible woman who would make a great mum.

When dealing with women going through abortions though keep in mind that these women who did not mean to get pregnant are doing what you have done waiting for the right time in their lives to have kids and no inflicting a sad life of poverty and neglect on their children. I actually respect women who do this more than some 16 year old with six kids trailing behind her who are gruby and miserable. I have to admit when I see that I wonder why its so hard for me who does the right thing to have children. What was worse was when my neighbour who's child is obese and I know she and her partner have huge fights infront of got her knickers in a knot with me and made up stories to child protective services. I was fuming with her as they had to investigate it. She has no idea what I had to go through to have my children and how much I respect and love them while she was talking about how she hates even being with her child and wants more hours at work to get away from her. So believe me I get where you are coming from. Why can these evil people even have such an easy time having babies when they hate their children so much.

I think I have learned over the years to hide my anger but I do still feel it so much. Children get born all the time to people who starve them and neglect them while there are so many wonderful women on this forum who sound like they would be the best mothers in the world.

Don't give up Lauz because when you finally have children like me you will know how precious life is and I am sure your babies will be smothered with so much love that it will all be worth it in the end. Good luck for ttc and I know how hard it is to wait I have to wait till some time around the 20th to even expect a period and the clock is ticking lol. Try to do what I am doing just enjoying this time with your partner and those you already have in your life becuase once you have a baby its not going to be there anymore take it from someone who has kids already cherish your time ALONE together it will soon be over lol.

You aren't a horrbile person hun. You have had a really tough time of it and so need sometime to heal. I, like you, am still griieving and don't have the positivity or energy about my future yet to feel positive for others. I don't wish them harm, but I am jealous that others have babies or are pregnant. It physically hurts still to hear/see it. So it is natural to withdraw from something that hurts. But this will pass in time and you will be the pregnnat one again. With regards to your work, I too would struggle with this and I suppose you are the only one that can decide what is best for you with regards to your work place. All I would say is don't make any rash decisions when you are still hurting. If you need more time away from work I would take it. i think if you are working with pregnant ladies it would be understandable to need longer to heal and feel stronger before dealing with that.I have taken today off as I am still struggling and need some space so I will be on and off all day if you want to chat.Take careLilou xx

no you are not,ive three children and this baby was supposed to be our wee full stop,my other kids are quite big youngest is eight. I was in a position to love and care for a baby and like that was settled and good hubbie.ok the teen (16) is a bit hard going but she great really. life can be so cruel .no one knows why these things are sent to the most kind people.but you have to be positive and everyday is a new day and a new start. when you do (never think if always when) that child will be soo loved.but you are entitled to have your say and opinions and its good you were brave enough to unleash your feelings.hope it happens soon for youxxx

Well i have been to doctors and got my final sick line to go back on Monday tho he did say i should take a bit longer but if i dont go back now i never will tho im still not sleeping and feel crap so i'll see how it goes...if it doesnt work out i'll just go back off sick but im thinkin as hard as it might be it might take my mind off waiting for af to arrive a little but im still dreading it 1st few weeks especially,...

Well i am feeling ok today as hubby and i went away yesterday just overnight as the hotel we had our wedding reception at gave us a voucher for a complimentary bed and breakfast so although we wanted to save it for a nicer occasionit runs out in June and i thought it would maybe help us and be nice to relax and so we decided to just book it and go (Espec as im goin back to work on Monday)

Anyway we went down yesterday afternoon and took advantage of the glorious sun - walked along the beach and sat on the balcony (its in Loch Lomond and over looks the water) then had a gorgeous dinner with plenty of wine and a few drinks in the bar and then some 'sexy time' lol then i even managed to get about 5 hrs sleep which is great for me at the best of times and if prob more than i've had all in the past week - i woke up at 6 and so we opened the curtains and while dozin on/off watched for the sun rising properly which was nice then we had a full cooked breakfast (yum) and went for a drive and spent the day away and then on the way home we went shopping in Ikea and next and got loads of stuff i had seen and then an indian on the way home and sum more wine lol....

I still gety tears in my eyes and upset when i think on our loss but i think it did me and hubby good - we had a sauna in our room and everything! I think it also helped me and hubby get closer (not that we have been distant) espec with the memories we have there...

We were a little tipsy lol but it was nice and hubby was so romantic and lovely and just held me and told me how much he loved me and it was nice to be together like that properly....things moved on a little (tmi sorry) and one thing led to another....we wanted to BD but didnt cause of the risk of infection? Its also been hard for both of us to think of down there like that again given medical management was only a few weeks ago but we just needed to be close....it was only for a few minutes (as no protection given that we havent been using any and it wasnt planned although i am unlikely to get pregnant - tho i think i may be ovulating due to CM i have been having unless its just my body playing cruel tricks on me as everything is all over the place - going to wait til Monday and do another HPT and hopefully get a negative as last one on Monday was a very faint positive) anyway it was a little uncomfrtable but not sore - is this normal?

As far as im aware its just when bleeding not to BD due to risj of infection and i have had no bleeding since Monday not even when i wipe (tmi again sorry) i am hoping my body is back to normal but now i am worried about infection and that i may have 'damaged' myself....please tell me itsa ok and im just being silly worrying! Or am i at risk? Im also paranoid about that clot still bein in there as scan isnt until Thursday but im fairlky convinced that that came out the night of the scan...

I know its maybe too soon but we talked and plan to try again as soon as my af is here (waiting til i know im ovulating to reassure myself at least my body is doing that although i know i wont get pregnant anyway unless my body is ready for it but mainly waiting for af for dating purposes as i will be stressed enough in the early days rather than worrying incase my baby measures smaller than what i reckon based on the mc as a date and i cant put myself through that) i will be amazed if af returned in about 20 days time but from date baby came out that would be right and as i said i may be ovualting now (which would explain some of the funny pains which i had also been worrying about)but yeah please dont think bad of me we just needed to be close like that (not 'did it' since January which i know isnt that long but it is for us - tmi again lol sorry) anyway i would like to continue to BD although use protection (which will be weird) until af shows up but am i best to leave it at least until i know the clots out? Its not that we cant control ourselves or anything like that but it was just well....nice! Any advice/info would be apprecaited as always!

I am so glad that you got away and did something nice! You need to look after yourself as much as you can honey!The hotel sounds amazing i am very jealous i love Scotland and know Glasgow very well (my mum is from Glasgow ) but i have never been to Loch Lomond it must have been amazing to be able to wake up to views over the Loch!I know it is hard not to try again straight away and i definatly do not think bad of you, after my d and C i seemed to bleed for ages and got really frustrated (no idea why as we agreed we would wait until my first af so we wouldn't have any dating issues) as you really want to feel close to your partner at that time!I am sure it will be fine i think it is really only for the first couple of days that they advise that you be careful and you will definatly not have done any damage! You needed a break and you needed to have some fun! I totally agree with you about waiting for af as the last thing we need is to worry about dates when we do get pregnant so i am sending you some "hurry up af thoughts" so you can get going!Hope that the break has meant that you start to get some proper sleep i don't know how you cope with so little i am lucky in that i can sleep longer in the morning when i can't sleep at night but i really couldn't cope with late nights and early mornings i would be a nightmare!I am now going to watch California Man with Brendan Fraser and hopefully share a cookie with my big furry puppy (though he tends to breath on everything while i am eating and i end up giving it all to him - oh well he is so gorgeous)!Love Rena x

I hardly ever sleep so i am used to constantly feeling tired (i slept when pregnant tho) but it was still nice...

I think the BDing has made me more paranoid as im still havin some stomache crampy type pains that come and go but no other sign of infection - epu are stupid can only speak to a receptionist so i will have to wait til Thursday and hope its ok - i am just hoping clot is away so no need for erpc or that will bugger things up for me even more so fingers crossed and i will ask them about BDing then but me and hubby arent goin to do it again til we know its ok for definite obviously the wine helped but hubby was so paranoid he was goin to hurt me or cause me to get an infection so its just easier not to and i kno if i did get an infection (touch wood) i doubt it will be caused by a 2 min BD lol! The crampy pains r worrying me a little tho but its 2 week wait for a gp appointment argh!

Im hoping af is here 2 weeks on Monday as that wil make me feel a bit better that thinkgs are physically at least gettin back to normal..also hopefully i will get a neagtive HPT on Monday and my scan on Thuraday will show everything is ok....i am hoping the week goes in quickly as im dreading goin back to work espec as i have 2 get up at 6.30 argh!

Anyway r u ttc once af is away? I hope we both have sticky baby dust soon!

Lx

P.s My good mood from yesterday is slowly going away as my dining table we got yesterday has 3 legs on it but has a broken screw type part so hubby cant finish it and i will have to go to IKEA tomorrow when all i wanted was a quiet lazy day argh,,,,anytime something goes 'good' for me it always goes 'bad' soon after - i kno a faulty table is not a big deal but it is when u have looked everywhere for one and see it yesterday and think woo but trust us to get the broken one. They shut at 7 so cant even phone to check - hubby is refusing to dismantle it and wants them to open another pack to give us a screw or he is takin it down built as it is for an exchange lol! Argh thats so frustrating and also in b&q today as they dont sell curtain tie backs in pairs they only had 1 of the one i have been waiting for....soz rant over!

I just had a thought and it may not help but about a week and a bit after my d and c i had cramping for two nights in a row and it was either bad cramping or i have a very low pain threshold (not sure which!!!) but after a while of the cramps i passed huge clots and then the pain went so maybe that is what is happening to you! Sorry if this doesn't help but thought i would mention it just in case!!I can't believe you actually got your hubby to IKEA mine won't go near it after a night from hell there about 8 years ago where we bought loads of stuff and then couldn't park the van in the pick up point ended up with my nearly 80 year old gran, me and my mum running with bags to the van which was illegally parked while hubby staggered behind with a bed and wardrobe ( he was so stressed but we couldn't help laughing as you couldn't see him behind all the furniture - he didn't see the funny side) - he swore then he would never return and he hasn't!!!Hope you get your screw if they don't give it to you i would be tempted to just walkin and get one out of a box myself!How stupid is it that b and q don't sell curtain tie backs in pairs i mean you buy two curtains you are bound to need to tie backs grrrrrr!Hope tommorrow goes ok will be thinking of you in the IKEA madness!

Yip it is v.stupid with b&q and curtain tie backs but who on earth buys one tie back?

As with IKEA hubby made me go 2 years ago and i got a tv unit - it was solid wood and my hubby who is usually fairly strong had to try and lift it off the shelf (he is 6"3 so not normally a problem lol) then it wouldnt fit in the trolley and then he had to lift it into the van....i couldnt even support an end of it it was so heavy and he was like 'trust you' but i showed him 2 and it was his preference lol.....

Anyway we have to go back today and we can get a screw apparantly if we take down the number of the part we need - its such a pain although it looks ok in my kitchen lol...its not a proper dining table just a wee small square wooden one to sit in my kitchen it was only ??30 but still (sshhh dont tell anyone as it was a bargain lol) also goin 2 get a shelf and some bits and pieces i was unsure of the other day which was actually a very productive shopping day....hubby normally hates goin 2 shops and moans and we usually end up arguing but he has been extra nice past 2 days and really makin an effort not to so i wonder how long it will last for lol...

I am also considering gettin a sofa from IKEA which was really comfortable (ours is wrecked despite only havin it 2 years and we are waiting on insurance company getting back to us as we took that extra protection cover thing so if they clean it it might make it ok for another year til its paid off but i doubt it so when they clean it im goin to argue im not happy and try and get them to pay out even if its just a few hundred and that way i will just put the odds to it and pay it off - theres about ??500 and i dont want to pay it all out of priniciple first then i would just buy the ikea one lol)

Sorry for going on...

Im due back at work tomorrow and only got to sleep about 3 hrs ago as having lots of pain now and im syper paranoid about infection and may not be goin in after all even tho it wil drive my boss nuts....:\?

Hee hee to our very own thread!!!!!I should be ironing as promised myself that i would get the house sorted and all the jobs that have been sitting around building up back under control but couldn't resist logging on and seeing how your trip to IKEA madness went!!!!I'm glad they will give you the screw you needed without to much hassle and hope that you managed to get your shelves! I have had a lovely day at home just chilling and mooching around our house - perfect!I am so sorry you are still in pain all i can say is try not to worry to much about infection i really only felt pain quite a bit after my d and c i think that was when the pain killers started to wear of or like i said before when the clots were coming out. If the pain gets to bad though you must get to the doctor just to check everything is ok!Will be thinking of you tommorrow and hope it is not to bad i found it tough at first but it does settle down eventually.Let us know how you get on and sending you tons of reassuring hugs!Love and sleeping dust ( i think you need it !!! ) Rena x

Thanks - we went to ikea yesterday and got a new screw lol so the tables sorted now as is the shelf i got too which hubby put up last night!

Im not goin back to work today afterall as i feel terrible...really crap! Im quite sore still and i ended up at out of hours over night they gave me antibiotics for a uti which is what i thot it maybe was and i have to phone epu when they open at 8 and see if they can get me in before thursday for a scan which i doubt to double check its not an infection there just incase i sooo hope it isnt as im so worried i will need a d&c after all this if that clot is still there! Hubby us now feelin guilty and blamin himself for our 2 min BD and but i doubt its down to that?

Thanks anyway for the sleeping dust but it didnt work i have been awake since i got back from out of hours - if u read my paranoid thread you will see how my numberous insanse rantings led me to this point....,my work are expecting me back today and im just about to phone i doubt they will be very impressed and wont be happy but i cant help it - i would rather be at work than feel like this but i suppose thats wot i get for wishing i didnt have 2 go back this week argh!

Oh Lauz what a pain in the rear for you. I have had some mild cramping but nothing so painful as you are talking about. I doubt its the bding too I was bding from day 4 after my d&c and no infection.

I hope all goes well and look after yourself wont you. Poor thing you must be exhausted, I have had a little trouble sleeping too as I find when the kids are in bed and my partner is sleeping or out in the lounge room watching the telly and everything has settled is when I feel the most sad and think about it the most. I have to get some more books as I am using them to distract myself at night.

Its really hitting me and I am so run down so I know how you feel. I am sending you a virtual hug right now hope you get it.

Oh Lauz you are having such a crappy time and i am going to take that bloody sleeping dust back to the shop as it obviouslly doesn't work grrrr!I am so glad you went to the doctor to get some antibiotics you must have been in so much pain uti are miserable things to have (like you haven't got enough to deal with )! I ams pleased you are not going back to work you really need a rest and to focus on getting better make sure you push the doctors to get you an early scan - they need to make you feel better even if all they can do is put your mind at rest about no infection or clotting at least it would be one thing off your mind!Hope you had a day off sitting on the settee watching films and eating chocolate ( that always makes me feel better - though i am now 7 stone heavier since my mmc :rollOK i have taken the original sleeping dust back and asked for extra strength so here goes sending it your way let me know if it works!Love Rena x x

lol Rena you are not the only one putting on weight I have spoilt myself too much since my mmc and its catching up with me. Gonna have to get my butt back on the tread mill and stop endulging. Still I think a little bit of it is bloating I am pretty much convinced I ovulated a few days ago and my period will be on time and I always bloat after I ovulate right up until I get my period. All the symptoms are consistant.

Lauz I too hope you rested up with your slippers and track pants and a good movie or book.

I am so glad it is not just me i am like a woman possessed at the moment if it's in front of me and not walking or talking then i eat it!Had hoped with the emergence of af that i would settle down but no i am still going ( i think it is probably because each time i have got pregnant i have got obssessed with only eating the right things so when it all goes wrong i kind of relapse - i am a bit of a food addict so is my puppy or big man as he is called by everyone:roll!!!Hope you are feeling ok today and not worried anymore about the weight issue anyway at least we can now enjoy the best kind of exercise and for a purpose our BFP'S!!:lol:

Hey Lauz,How you doing tonight hun? Have been thinking of you hope the medication is working and helping you feel a little better physically so you can start to heal mentally - here if you need to talk!Love Rena x x