Demi Moore and Her Camera Salesman Husband Announce Divorce Plans

LOS ANGELES, Calif. (Bennington Vale Evening Transcript) -- Actress Demi Moore and her husband Ashton Kutcher, a commercial spokesman for a brand of inexpensive cameras, announced the dissolution of their six-year marriage Thursday, ending one of the most widely followed May-December romances in Hollywood. In a statement to the press, Moore said: “It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton. It’s difficult to be a woman, a mother and a wife. Honestly, having to be all three for one person has become a little creepy and spiritually exhausting.”

Some celebrity insiders say Moore, nearly 50 and at the peak of her sexual prime, needs to find a younger man who can satisfy her yearnings in the bedroom. Kutcher, who is now in his early 30s, is nearly a decade past his carnal usefulness.

Close family friends, however, say Moore had expressed difficulty with forgiving Kutcher for his extramarital affair. “Demi was disgusted,” one friend told reporters under condition of anonymity. “Ashton was caught screwing girls ten years younger than him. I mean, what a gross, dirty old pervert. That’s like molesting children. I think that’s been harder for Demi to accept than the idea that he cheated.”

Kutcher’s agent said the most trying aspect of the divorce for her client was convincing the American public to care: “Strange as it sounds, news of this divorce fell toward the bottom of the search trends near Rick Santorum wondering whether he was still a presidential candidate, while at the top were recipes for green bean casserole.”