Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Sayge foresees the future of Varian Wrynn

"Damn, I'm sexy."

Anduin Wrynn:Whatup, yo? Check my new model.Varian Wrynn:Wow, you got big.Anduin Wrynn: Yeah, I did.Varian Wrynn:You were the same size for, like, six years. I was beginning to think you had that Gary Coleman disease.Anduin Wrynn: Nope. Just a late bloomer. But now, I’m a teenager, apparently. And I am ready to get bizz-ay. Where do they keep the teenage girls around here?Varian Wrynn: There are no other teenagers in World of Warcraft. You have a unique character model, and you’re the only one. There are no women, either.Anduin Wrynn:I see girls around here all the time.Varian Wrynn:They’re all dudes.Anduin Wrynn: What? Really?Varian Wrynn: Trust me. I learned this the hard way. You don’t want to be messing with any of them.Anduin Wrynn: Well, if I am missing from my position in Stormwind Keep for about fifteen minutes at a time, three or four times a day, it’s not because I’ve been kidnapped by the Horde, so don’t come looking for me.Varian Wrynn: When have I ever expressed concern or affection for you?Anduin Wrynn:Yeah, you are a pretty terrible father. Thanks for abandoning me for four years to be raised by a dragon, by the way.Varian Wrynn:Daddy has a lot on his plate.Anduin Wrynn: What happened to my mother, anyway?Varian Wrynn: Go to your room.ANDUIN LEAVES.

SAYGE THE FORTUNE TELLER ENTERS.Sayge: He has grown strong.Varian Wrynn:Yes, he’s all right.Sayge: And yet, this development troubles you, does it not?Varian Wrynn:I dunno. I don’t really do a lot of thinking.Sayge:But you perceive the patterns of fate. Shortly after your return, Bolvar Fordragon met his destiny at the Wrath Gate. Muradin Bronzebeard was discovered alive in Northrend, and Magni subsequently turned into stone for some poorly-explained reason. Baine Bloodhoof appeared, and Cairne died in some kind of convoluted misunderstanding. Garrosh Hellscream showed up, and Thrall got bumped out of a job. And now, Anduin has a unique model. A successor is being groomed for you, King. This does not bode well.Varian Wrynn: Yeah, but I am the most universally beloved character in all the Warcraft lore. What could possibly happen to me?DEEPHOLM, OR POSSIBLY THE PEAK OF BLACKROCK MOUNTAIN, OR MAYBE SOMEWHERE IN TWILIGHT HIGHLANDS, TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN MONTHS LATER:Alexstrasza:The efforts of the heroes have weakened Deathwing, but my powers alone cannot beat him.Thrall:The Earth-Warder cannot withstand the might of the elements.Velen:Well, in that case, why didn’t you do something about him twelve to eighteen months ago?Thrall: I’ve had a lot of stuff going on. Shut up.Malfurion Stormrage: I can probably stop him with my druidic magic.Garrosh Hellscream: You don't get to be in the climactic battle, Elf. Nobody likes you. Anyway, I got this. Deathwing has a face. I’ve got an axe. I’m pretty sure I can make this work.Alexstrasza:Silence! Only one thing can stop the rampaging Destroyer. His might, you see, comes from his chin. He can only be nullified by a counter-chin of equal mass. But both chins will be destroyed in the process.Varian Wrynn: Uh-oh.Sayge: Called that! Boo-Yah.