Today was weird. Completely and utterly weird. And not just because my Mother wanted me to have Fed Ex trace down her package of baby wipes, I mean seriously? Baby wipes?

My heart is sinking. You know that feeling? That feeling you get when a dementor pays you a visit? It’s fear without hope.

Some woman is out to get me. She wrote a nasty review on Yelp and said I was a terrible massage therapist (the worst she’s ever had) and she had to go to the hospital after her massage. The hospital!

Okay, first thing you should know is that this woman was never at my business – I NEVER massaged her. She said in her review that I offered to give her a spinal adjustment by walking on her back which I’ve never done in all the years I’ve been doing this.

When I get a bad review, I shrug it off. But what I can’t shrug off is a blatant lie. I have zero patience for liars. I’m pissed. Horribly horribly pissed.

Oh and that’s not all! This woman keeps booking appointments with us and not showing up for them! She goes under the alias of Sara E. She’s never once been here.

I contacted Yelp, the place where she published her slander, and told them that it’s a fake review.

But as a result of her review, my Groupon sales plummeted. I used to sell 40 Groupons a month which gave me a steady $1000 extra cash a month and now this month I only sold two.

And thus, I’m freaking out.

I woke up from a weird dream today. I dreamt that some guy was spreading nasty rumors about me that weren’t true. He was telling people I that I smoked cork, not crack, but cork – what we use to plug wine bottles with.

And yes, it makes no sense.

But I got on his ass and repeatedly asked why. Why lie about me? What did I do?

He ignored me and didn’t answer. I was heated in the dream, but didn’t lose my cool. My curiosity outweighed my anger.

My employee’s today are the one’s who pointed it out to me. They saw her on the schedule, knew she wasn’t going to show up, and then searched for her on Yelp where they found her review. They said the E is for Evil. Sara Evil.

My therapist – “She’s got it out for you. This is personal. Do you have any enemies?”

Me – “Um, sort of.”

What she’s doing is actually a felony. Slander is a felony. Unfortunately, the only lawyer we have in the family is a complete bitch.

It’s like, there’s always some kind of nasty hurdle I’m faced with. This is the first one that’s really nasty though.

I had that dream before I read her review. When I woke up today I was like, “Shit, I really hope that one doesn’t come true.” Lo and behold….

I can’t believe the accuracy of my dreams. I hate them. I really do. And I hate my emotional telepathy – being able to read someones thoughts just by feeling their emotions. I hate it. And I know you don’t believe me.

I normally don’t crave alcohol, but tonight I’m jonesin for a beer.

I have to get to work on casting the most powerful petronus spell yet. I have a flurry of swag up my sleeve. There’s always an answer to every problem.

And as shitty as today went, I swear I’ll wake up tomorrow feeling like my happy self again – I’m not just saying that either, I mean it. Shit stuff always happens to me, but the next day I forget all about it and keep plugging along.

Oh god I hope I forget about this. And I hope yelp takes down that false review.

Today felt like the “real” world everyone talks about. “Welcome to the real world, Mel. A place where people are rotten and life sucks.”