I go to the mosque and on july 4th 2011 i saw a man who was a cuple of the kids uncle. and the minute he looked at me he wudnt stop looking. i was young so got convinced that i liked him. i later on got to know he was married and that his age was around 40. he told me to meet him in a spot one day after skwl so i went with no itnentions what so ever. he then took me to some bushes and kissed me but at the same time was holding me very tightly and then he revealed him below area and told me to put my mouth on it. he ended up choking me and i passed out but he said he did it cuz he luved me. on my birthday he took my virginity but i did not want it to happen. atleast thats what i think. wehn ia sked him about his wife he goes that was a force marriage you are the one i love. he then had sex with me evry time he saw me.he then started plumbing in my house and everytime he got the chance he would make me choke on him and would let his mouth onto my breasts. and now 2 years later. he got involved in the police so i told him i wanted to part of him. i had sed it once before but he had hurt me more than once before. this time ii meant it. he then went and told his wife that i lead him on and had an affair with him . his wife thinkz bad of me but stil doesnt know the truth. I dont what this was. was it rape or not ???

Thank you for your comment. It must be really difficult for you to talk about this, and must be quite scary, so thank you for coming forward to speak about it.

If somebody forces or coerces you in to performing sexual acts for them against your will then this is rape. We all have the right to say no to sex if we do not want to do it, as it is our body our choice.

It seems that him, and possibly both of you, knew that what was happening wasn't right as it seemed that it was very secretive.

I think, in this instance, you have to trust your instincts on how you feel. If you feel that you did not give consent, you weren't ready to have sex, or he made you do something you didn't want to do then it is rape.

You can talk to the Rape Crisis helpline who may be able to talk you through your options, help you access support or just listen to you if that's all you want at this time. Their number is 0808 802 9999.

If he ever does something to you again that you don't want to happen then you can call the police. They are there to protect you. Similarly, you can also call the police around any incident in the past that you know had been rape or sexual assault.

Take care,

Luke

This is Abuse team - 15/12/2013

Stacey

11/12/2013

Hi my name is stacy i was with my boyfriend for over 3 years and at the start he was so loveing and careing towards me then he changed whenever we would have an argument he would hit me and he tryed 2 choke me a few times ive ever told anyone this before he left bruises on my arm a few times and my family members would ask what happend but i always came up with silly excuses like i walked in to a door things like that but the thing is he always made me feel like it was my fault he did it is this abuse ?

It’s really good that you decided to ask someone about this. Trying to choke you and leaving you with bruises is assault which is a criminal offence and yes is very abusive. It would be good for you to talk with someone about this, either a family member or a professional support service.

If you are over 16 you could contact Women’s Aid www.womensaid.org.uk or if you are under 18 you could call Childline on 0800 1111.

Take good care Stacy,

Brian

12/12/2013

jon

10/12/2013

from the age off 13 my mum abused me sexually and it lasted for over 4 to 5 years, she said for me not to say nothing to my brother, step father and my teaches.

Thanks for your post. It takes real courage to talk about abuse. What happened to you was wrong. It can be really helpful to speak to a professional and get support. Survivors UK offers advice and support to men who have experienced rape or sexual abuse www.survivorsuk.org and NAPAC for survivors of childhood sexual abuse www.napac.org.uk

I hope you get some good support.

Take Care,

Brian

12/12/2013

Aaliya

08/12/2013

i was in a relationship with a boy . i lost contact and met with him after 2 years and we got on. when we first met we wre laying on grass and yeah rolled on top of me and started becoming all touchy and i went along with it but nothing happened sexually. we next met in the same place and he started to take my clothes off. it was a private placee and he revealed his privates and tried to go insdie me but i kept pushing him away. he got really angry and ran off. he gave me another chance if i met up with him again and had sex. everyt time he was be sweet and romantic but then it always lead to sex. he then asked for anal and when he did it i screamed as it was very painful and he never hit me physcially but he swore and said the most horrid things. he stil forced himself inside me but to me it was normal. I loved him and still do i had to apart from him because of my family however i still think to this day whether it was rape or just normal sex ???

Thank you so much for your comment, we should never be confused whether a sexual incident was consensual or rape, so it must be very hard for you to talk about what happened.

It is your body, and you have the right to say no to sex itself, in any form, and to anything your partner suggests doing during sex that you don't want to do. It is also important to remember that you can withdraw consent at any time during sex.

From what you have said it seems like your ex-partner pressured you in to having sex, and that it wasn't really your choice. However, you are the only person that truly knows if it was consensual or not. It might be worth contacting Rape Crisis: 0808 802 9999 (12-2.30pm, 7-9:30pm). They will talk you through your feelings around the incidents and help you answer this question a little bit more, and may be able to put some support in place for you.

Take care,

Luke

This is Abuse team - 10/12/2013

******

07/12/2013

Hi, When I was younger I was sexually abused for 6 years for about 4 or 5 days of the week each week. It was my big cousin. he was much older then me and alot bigger. I was forced to give and receive oral sex among other sexual acts but came very close to vaginal rape at times but he never went through with that thankfully, as I was getting older he was getting closer to it. I remember feeling the burn on my wrists as I was trying to get away and he was pulling me back, he was so big I didn't have a chance, he would just pin me down and i'd be struggling to get away telling him to stop i didnt want to do it I am now 19 and feel after years of being semi-alright about it it's really starting to hit me again now. Everytime I get close to a guy I just start to freak out when he touches me, I get flashbacks and end it before anything has really started up because that way I don't have to deal with the flashbacks . I find myself crying in bed most nights over what happened, I just feel so disgusting and dirty, I feel like if any guy knew he would think it was disgusting and I need disinfected or something. I don't feel I can talk to my mum because it would break her heart if she knew it still affected me and I don't want to burden her. I don't really know what i'm looking for from this site, I just don't know what to do anymore

First and foremost, please remember that the abuse you suffered was not your fault. As a survivor of abuse myself I understand just how much you feel that you're to blame for what happened. Thoughts like "Did I lead him on? Is it me that's at fault? Did I deserve this?". Well the answer to all of the above is NO. What I can say is that you are not alone in how you feel. There are many people out there (both male and female) who have gone through similar situations. I cannot say that I know how you feel because I am not you and each of our stories are unique to us. What I can say is that you CAN get through this and with time and the help of those you trust you may be able to put everything into its proper perspective but please do not let this be the dominant condition of your life. You have much to live for and a long life ahead of you. To finish with a Chinese Blessing "May you have a quiet life.".

Charles Moores - 10/12/2013

06/12/2013

When I was very small, I was pressured into doing stuff with a guy that was about 16ish. It's been about 6 years since then, and I haven't told anyone. I would feel awful if I were to tell anyone, because I don't want to betray him or cause problems, but at the same time I feel like I was robbed of my childhood innocence. What should I do?
Reply

06/12/2013

Hi Michelle,

Thank you for contact us. Your experience must have been very scary, and clearly still has a hold over you.

It's important to remember that this is not your fault, you boy you were with at the time should have known that what he was doing was wrong. The law makes it illegal for any persons under the age of sixteen to give consent to sex. Nobody has the right to force you to perform any sexual act that you do not feel comfortable with, it is your body and your choice.

You don't have to report the man involved, but I think it would be really helpful to talk to a professional around what happened. I know that this seems difficult, but I think it would be really good for you. If you are still under 16 it would be helpful for you to contact Childline, if you are over 16 then please do contact Rape Crisis.

Childline: 0800 1111 or via their website www.childline.org.uk ChildLine is a counselling service for children and young people.

Hi Michelle
I am glad you have got in touch with us. It must be very hard to keep this to yourself for such a long time. Pressurising or forcing someone to have sex is rape and its completely understandable that you feel robbed of your childhood.This is against the law and it sounds like you were a child when this happened so that is very serious. I know it can feel scary to think about telling someone or talking about it but I think if you could manage that it would really help. Talking doesn't mean anyone will do anything or tell anyone else but talking might help you. There is an organisatioin called the havens who support people who have recently or a long time ago been sexually abused or assaulted. Their website is www.thehavens.org.uk or call them on 0203 299 1599. Alternatively there is rape crisis on 0808 802 9999.Both of these organisations will talk to you in confidence. If you could think of someone you could tell whom you trust - friend, family member then that would give you a bit more support. another option would be to tell your GP who should know about local services that could help you out. I wish you well Michelle and hope you manage to get some help and support with this - you are entitled to helpaboutr what has happened
Best wishes
Linda

This is Abuse team - 07/12/2013

Jessie

06/12/2013

I think this is wrong. It happened to my sister, she was sad for a period of time. My mum took it the wrong way and blamed her, so I had to look after my sister for a long time. School never helped her, don't bully please. She attempeted to commit suicide but I cryed and held onto her. Don't let this happen to anyone else, it's to upsetting. You make them feel " why me? what have I done ? " . This is ABUSE

I think these campaigns are brilliant and need to be shown on television more. But what I find interesting is that on all of the campaigns, its always the male being the abuser, not a female. I know that it is predominately males that are the perpetrators but I feel that more awareness of the abuse of males needs to be highlighted, as some men may not be able to recognise it themselves and simply feel that it is not abuse, because it is a female abuser.

Thanks for your comment Re-Anne. There is a really useful service for men experiencing abuse from a partner called the Men’s Advice Line: www.mensadviceline.org.uk 0808 801 0327.

05/12/2013

noname

11/11/2013

When I was 14 I met someone who I loved and thought he loved me. he was 6years older than me.
We had sex a couple of month of being together he made me feel special and I fell pregnant but lost it and when I turned 16 I feel pregnant again to my beautiful daughter who is healthy and that's when things changed he was nasty with words which really hurt so we split up. My dad found out we slept together when I was under age and he said its rape is that true

I was in a relationship with what I thought was a really nice boy, he was quite and was a Virgin, I had sex with him about a month after we got together and for a while everything seemed to be fine, 6 months down the line I got pregnant and decided to keep the baby but he wasn't very supportive through out, we were on and off through it and decided to break up 3-4 months before I had my son. We decided to see eachother when I had the baby and I stayed at his house a few times but the more I did the more he was just interested In sex, often it would end up leading to sex but I wasn't into it, I told him it hurt but he just tried to take my mind off it and carry on but il tell him again and again it hurt and I didn't want to do it but he wouldn't move he'd stay on top of me and just talk me out of it and try again. ID try push him away but he thought it was funny and used his strength against me and wouldn't budge. He'd carry on pushing until I gave it or just kept quiet, I even held back tears a few times and acted like everything was okay. I didn't realise what he was doing to me,.

I don't know what to do or what this is? Was he raping me or was it ok because I gave in? Help please

Thanks for posting on this website. What’s happened to you is horrific and we are truly sorry to hear how you have suffered. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape, it is a serious crime and it should be reported. It’s important to understand that what happened was not your fault; there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.

We would urge you to find someone you trust to talk to - a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, it’s really important to speak up about what happened. You have the right to be safe, and help and support is out there.

If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 in confidence to talk; nothing is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline in confidence to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.

You can also speak to the police about the assault. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help – if you’re unsure you might find it helpful to talk to an expert who can tell you more about the process and what to expect before you make the call to the police. You can find details of suitable organisations on the Need Help page here - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help.

If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, please call the police on 999.

09/10/2013

Maura

04/09/2013

I'm 15 and for the past two years I have been friends with a boy from youth group who is 3 years older than me. He is currently 18. In a few weeks he will be leaving our home town to go to university so a week ago he asked me to go to his house and watch a movie and hang out with him, seen as though I wouldn't see him for a long time.

Before I went I knew what his intentions were and made it perfectly clear that I did not want to have sex with him as we were not in a relationship and I was too young. He said this was ok and told me to come along anyway. So I did. I went to his house during the day time to watch a movie.

When the film started he gradually started moving towards me and putting his arm around me. One thing lead to another and eventually he was leaning over me and kissing me. I at first did not attempt to say no as I saw no harm in kissing him. But then he tried to take things further and as he was leaning over me and pressing me into the sofa, I dealt powerless to stop him. He didn't ask if I wanted to stop, he just undressed me while her was still fully clothed and then aggressively kissed me until I had sex with him. My issue is, is this rape? Although I didn't say no, I was incredibly preasured and he was aggressive. He left a bruise on my hip from holding too tight and scratch marks on my back.

I have not told my mothers or any teacher/other adult. I have however, had to go to the pharmacy for an emergency contraceptive pill, as he did not use protection.

Please could somebody advise me as to what to do next. I am very anxious and scared right now.

Thank you for your post. What’s happened to you is horrific and we are truly sorry to hear how you have suffered. Being forced or pressured to have sex when you don’t want to is rape, it is a serious crime and it should be reported. It’s important to understand that what happened was not your fault; there was nothing you could have done to prevent it.

We would urge you to find someone you trust to talk to - a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. If they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does, it’s really important to speak up about what happened. You have the right to be safe, and help and support is out there.

You can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 in confidence to talk; nothing is too big or small for them. Alternatively, you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

You can also speak to the police about the assault. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help – if you’re unsure you might find it helpful to talk to an expert who can tell you more about the process and what to expect before you make the call to the police. You can find details of suitable organisations on the Need Help page here - http://thisisabuse.direct.gov.uk/need-help.

If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, please call the police on 999.

This Is Abuse team - 09/09/2013

Lauren

30/07/2013

I'm 18 and about 2 years ago, I was in a relationship with a boy who seemed extremely nice, about 3 months into our relationship he completey changed, he always got angry with me if I had my own opinion and hit me if I ever told him no, sometimes he left bruises on my arms, one time he even bit me on my leg because I kicked him trying to get him off of me, he always made out that everything was my fault and always found myself apologising, he forced me into sexual things and even if I tried to defend myself it wouldn't work because he's a lot stronger than me. Many times throughout our relationship I tried to end it, but he'd always threaten to beat my little brother up, he said things that I always wanted to hear by saying he loved me so I let myself believe I loved him, I'm now in a new relationship and this effects how happy we are, what can I do?

Thank you for your post. If you’ve being forced or pressured to have sex, or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with, that is totally unacceptable, no one should be putting you in that position. Please understand that what happened was not your fault and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it, don’t blame yourself.

If you are unsure, examples of sexual abuse or assault can include being touched in a sexual way that makes you feel uncomfortable or frightened (this can be through clothes or not), being forced to watch others engage in sexual activity, being pressured to send naked pictures of yourself, sexting and being made to stimulate yourself or others.

And we're really sorry to hear you've suffered physical abuse. Abuse is wrong and never okay, it’s not normal and it can seriously damage your confidence and your self-worth. Signs of physical abuse can include slapping, kicking, hitting or injuries as a result of violent behaviour.

If this has happened to you, we would always encourage you to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and happy, and help and support is out there.

As you're 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. They offer counselling and support for women who have experienced any form of sexual violence, not just rape.

01/08/2013

Anonymous

21/06/2013

I need to know if this happened to me. I'm nearly 18. When I was 16, I was in love with an 18 year old, he had a girlfriend and I kept saying nothing could happen because he was with her, but he kept kissing me. He convinced me it was ok because he wanted to leave her, but couldn't in case she hurt herself (I know it was a terrible of me to go along with this and I have always felt guilty) . I was in his room, he kept asking me for sex. I was a virgin and I'd already told him before that I wasn't ready, he promised to respect that. I said I wasn't sure I was ready, and I was scared, but he kept pressuring me. Eventually he said 'Can we try?' I didn't really answer, because I didn't want to but I didn't want to disappoint him. We started having sex, I told him I was scared and then I said 'it hurts, stop', he just said 'It will hurt baby' and kept going. Afterwards he just ignored me, playing on a computer game. I felt like a slut because he was seeing someone else, I didn't think I deserved anything better. Despite this he left his gf and we were together for a year and a half, we broke up recently because he said I was awkward with him and wasn't close 'affectionate' enough to him physically. I once challenged him about what happened, and he said he was sorry and hated himself, but he continued pressuring me. He also liked talking about our sex life and calling me a prostitute in front of our friends to embarrass me. Long before this started, I remember seeing a text from another of his ex's about how he had kept pressuring her to try anal sex, he just said she was a liar. I feel so stupid for being with him for so long, but was I abused?

Thank you for your post. If you were being forced or pressured to have sex, or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with, that is totally unacceptable, no one should be putting you in that position. Please understand that what happened was not your fault and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it, don’t blame yourself.

If you are unsure, examples of sexual abuse or assault can include being touched in a sexual way that makes you feel uncomfortable or frightened (this can be through clothes or not), being forced to watch others engage in sexual activity, being pressured to send naked pictures of yourself, sexting and being made to stimulate yourself or others.

If this has happened to you, we would always encourage you to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and happy, and help and support is out there.

If you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them. They won’t judge you; they will listen, advise and guide you. Or alternatively you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

If you’re over 18, you can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm. They offer counselling and support for women who have experienced any form of sexual violence, not just rape.

Also remember that if you have been sexually assaulted you can speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

21/06/2013

Amanda

12/06/2013

Hi I'm amanda I'm 14 and yesturday my familys friend came over and came to my room when I was watching tv he started hugging me then kissed me.he forsed me to his him then forced me to put my hand down his trousers and he took out his penis.he sarted asking me if I liked it I didn't reaply as I was terrifyed I had no idea what to do then he took my trousers off and was about to do some thing and just then my mum called me so he stoped and went to the adults. I have no idea what to do and I don't want to tell noone.

If you’re being forced or pressured to have sex, or take part in sexual activity that you don’t feel comfortable with, that is totally unacceptable, no one should be putting you in that position. Please understand that what happened was not your fault and there was nothing you could have done to prevent it, don’t blame yourself.

If you are unsure, examples of sexual abuse or assault can include being touched in a sexual way that makes you feel uncomfortable or frightened (this can be through clothes or not), being forced to watch others engage in sexual activity, being pressured to send naked pictures of yourself, sexting and being made to stimulate yourself or others.

If this has happened to you, we would always encourage you to try and find someone you trust to talk to. It could be a teacher, a parent or other relative, a close friend, a youth worker or anyone else that you feel comfortable talking to. It doesn't have to be someone in authority, just someone that you think you can talk to and trust. And if they don't want to listen, keep trying until you find someone that does. You have the right to be safe and happy, and help and support is out there.

As you’re under 18, you can also call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem, nothing is too big or small for them. They won’t judge you; they will listen, advise and guide you. Or alternatively you can go to www.childline.org.uk where you can contact them by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

Also remember that if you have been sexually assaulted you can speak to the police. Most police forces have specially trained police officers who can help. If you ever feel that you are in immediate danger, call the police on 999.

13/06/2013

sarah

11/06/2013

i am sarah and i am 18 years old. yesterday i went to a party with my friend hannah we were drunk. i heard screaming in a room. the door was locked and the words get off me stop it please. it sounded like my friend hannah. remeber we were at aparty so no one could help me the dj music was blastin like a thousand people dancing alchahol everywhere cheering and shouting. i knocked on the door after 1 hour i came back and the door was unlocked it was hannah she was bleeding from her nose lip she had bruises everywhere she was fully naked. i went in the room and put a blanket on her she looked at me i looked at her and we both started to cry at the same time. i told her what did he do to you she cried harder and harder she whispered to me he raped me he took my virginity. then i took her to my house cause my parents were on vacation so i let her wear my clothes i made her a cofee and put a blanket over her i was by her side the whole night .

Thank you for your post. If your friend has been forced or pressured to have sex when they didn’t want to, that is rape and therefore a crime. We would encourage you to speak to your friend and help them understand that what happened wasn’t their fault and there was nothing they could have done to prevent it. Let them know there are people who can help them and provide support and guidance.

If your friend is under 18, you should encourage them to call ChildLine on 0800 1111 to talk about it, or go to www.childline.org.uk where they can contact ChildLine by email and text, chat to a counsellor online or post to the message boards.

If they’re over 18, they can call the National Freephone Rape Crisis Helpline to talk to an advisor on 0808 802 9999, 7 days a week between 12pm – 2.30pm and 7pm – 9.30pm.

If you ever feel that your friend is in immediate danger, call the police on 999.