Strategies for Living: Create healthy marriage before wedding

Dear David: My very best friend in the world is about to get engaged. I'm very happy for her, but me and several other friends have some real concerns about whether they are exactly "ready" to take this next step in their relationship. This will be a second marriage for both, as they each had brief previous marriages. She claims they are so much in love and that this tremendous love will get them through, but is that really enough? They're in their late 20s, so no one is likely to stop them, but I want this to work. What are the most important questions and issues that they (or any couple) should discuss and be clear about before getting "hitched?"- Worried Friend

Dear WF: You're asking a great question about whether love is really enough. I don't want to be pessimistic or flip, so let me address your question this way. I think most people would agree with me that very few people make the commitment to get married who:

Don't truly believe they are in love and that their love is extra special.

Believe with all their hearts that "we will never ever part, because this love we're feeling is just too strong."

I would guess that probably upward of 95 percent have some variations of these beliefs, and yet here's reality based on pretty consistent numbers from the last few decades: About 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce. No real surprise there, because most of us are aware of that statistic. The surprise comes when we isolate the divorce rate of second marriages; about 67 percent of those second marriages end in divorce. When we then isolate out and look at the divorce rate for third marriages, that's an even scarier 72 percent. Now, when you think about it, that defies "common sense." Common sense says that "the more I do something, the better I get at doing it." Those numbers indicate that this just is not true in marriage. Love is indeed very important, but love alone will not make a healthy relationship. A couple have to focus attention and effort toward creating a marriage. Creating a marriage is a process, not simply some vows we profess at a ceremony.

I like your request regarding the important questions, because creating a healthy marriage, in my opinion, begins long before any ceremony. Again, not to be critical or pessimistic, it seems to me that most of us put far more effort into planning the ceremony than we put into creating the marriage. There are many things that need to be discussed to begin a healthy marriage, and I recommend pre-marital counseling with a licensed marriage and family therapist, but I will give you some "starter questions" here. Some questions that need to be discussed in the pre-ceremony and engagement phase will include:

Do you want to have children? What is your philosophy in parenting? Will we be equally involved and responsible for the care of our children?

Can we talk about money? Do you or have you ever had significant debt? How will we manage our money? Will we operate with one bank account or with more?

Can we talk about sex? Are there any issues in either of our respective pasts that could impact our sexual relationship in the future? Differences in sexual frequency, desire, preferences, fantasies, masturbation, pornography use, and differing expectations can cause significant issues later; it's healthy to have considerable sharing now and fewer "surprises" later.

How much time will we spend with our families? How will we allocate time between our families? How will we address family tensions and squabbles? What about any bigger dysfunction in either of our families?

Will you clean the toilet? How will we share in the household tasks and responsibilities?

Marriage and family therapist David McMillian can be heard on "Strategies for Living" any time at www.strategiesforliving.com and from 9:05 to 10 a.m. Sundays on Newsradio 710 KEEL. E-mail your questions to deardavid@live.com.

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

Email this article

Strategies for Living: Create healthy marriage before wedding

Dear David: My very best friend in the world is about to get engaged. I'm very happy for her, but me and several other friends have some real concerns about whether they are exactly 'ready' to take