Charlie "Showless" Sheen Is Negotiating To Purchase Wikileaks

A photo of one of Charlie Sheen's wallets. (Photo courtesy of Emilio Estevez).

SHERMAN OAKS, California - Charlie Sheen who up until recently was making an unbelievable $1.8 million a week for really doing nothing more than simply acting like himself on the hit comedy Two and A Half Men has made a big business announcement.

Charles The Warlock from the Planet Winus has informed his maid, identified only as "Cuddles" that he is in negotiations to purchase Wikileaks.

Cuddles asked the SheenMaster how one person could possibly buy another person. Charlie was thrown for a loop and asked her what in the wide, wide world of sports was she talking about.

She apologized and said that she had to get back to picking up the beer, wine, and Scotch bottles that were strewn all over his backyard.

Charlie asked her to explain what she had meant by her remark. He told her that if she did not give him an answer that he would terminate her and that he did not care if she had 12 kids, with 11 of them still living at home, and one unmarried girl with three kids of her own.

Cuddles said that she just wondered why he wanted to buy Ricki Lake.

"Ricki Lake?" Sheen shouted out like a crazed Banshee from the Mediterrean Ocean Island of El Pajaro de Platanos.

He then realized that Cuddles had misheard him say Ricki Lake instead of Wikileaks. He told her that he was going to give her a 50 cent an hour raise and give her three of his old Hawaiian shirts that he hated and which actually belonged to the producers of Two and A Half Men.

Cuddles thanked him for the 50 cent an hour raise but let him know that she would not accept the three Hawaiian shirts since they were stolen property.

Sheen giggled and agreed with her and he took out three twenties out of his wallet and told her to take them instead.

Charlie then sat down in front of the TV to watch reruns of the old TV sit-com The Brady Bunch. He fell fast asleep before the first commercial.

Cuddles, whose real name is Daphne Murfreesboro told USA DAYBREAK that she actually wanted to have one more baby to make it 13, which is her lucky number, but by then her husband, Dexter Bob, had run off to Afghanistan to get, as he put it, some peace and quiet.