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Why Is Times Square Evacuated?

For the second time in as many weeks, New York’s Times Square has been shut down by the police. Earlier, the attempted car bombing of the neighborhood, possibly prompted by an episode of South Park (not the one about gingers), put the Big Apple on high alert, so now it’s unsurprising that fifteen gazillion cops are out with full Hurt Locker gear to deal with what appears to be a Coleman cooler. But we here at Heavy (located conveniently like six minutes away from the site on foot, or three and a half hours by subway) are unafraid, so we’re reporting live from the scene as they open the box. The police bomb robot is slowly opening the lid of the cooler. It’s reaching inside… it’s pulling out the contents. It appears to be a four-pack of Ed Hardy energy drinks and a half box of Fig Newtons. What kind of sick, twisted individual could have left this here? Let’s be like Joe Lieberman and deport everybody with an Ohio driver’s license right now.