Go Ahead and Kill Yourself, Already!

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I was laying in bed last night and for whatever reason, I started thinking of suicide. Not because I have any interest or intent to kill myself, but because fucked up shit sneaks into my head when I've taken a sleeping pill. I've known some people who have killed themselves, and I guess I was thinking of them and then I realized: There are so many ways to kill yourself! I mean, when you think of suicide, you probably think of someone shooting themselves in the head or hanging themselves. I realized that there are at least 7 known ways to kill yourself (to me, anyways).

1. Shoot yourself (How original. If you take this route, please, do it outside. It's just really inconsiderate to who ever gets stuck cleaning up after you, asshole! What if you fuck it up?)

2. Hang yourself (Because it's not traumatic enough to your loved one to find you with your brains blown out, no, no, you need to possibly kick one of them in the face when they discover you hanging from whatever fixture you chose.)

3. Death by police. (This one is a little more interesting. You will probably make the evening news. But, you might take out that cop who was "just one day away from retirement". He probably has kids and a wife (you know, all that shit you don't have) and that's just fucked up.)

4. Drive your vehicle/bicycle/crotch rocket off a cliff or death by vehicular "accident" (The only problem I have with this is that this is an asshole way to die. I mean, what if you crash into some poor truck driver and your ruin his load, make him late, basically fuck up his whole world, just because you couldn't live anymore? I mean, I realize that you are fucked up and all, but I guess myself personally, I'd call you an asshole.)

5. Overdose on pills/poison/drain cleaner. (This is a scary one. I mean, think about it! What if you don't succeed and you end up a vegetable? What if you don't take enough of whatever it is and you end up throwing up on yourself? How embarrassing!)

6. Slit your wrists. ( I can never remember if you are supposed to cross the street or go down the road. Maybe if you just comb your hair a little more into your eyes, you wont feel so sad anymore? Go ahead and treat yourself to a trip to Hot Topic, you totally deserve it!)

7. Sit in the running car in the garage. (Easy. Bring a pillow and blanket and maybe work on your note. Nobody is going to read it though, they don't care about you. Nobody does.)