CONAN Monologue 07/29/13

TranscriptCONAN: THE POPE WAS IN BRAZIL.
WHAT A RECEPTION HE GOT.
ANYONE SEE THE FOOTAGE OF THE POPE IN BRAZIL?
OK, THIS IS GOING TO WORK GREAT, THEN.
LET'S START WITH, DO YOU KNOW WHO THE POPE IS?
OH, GOOD, YEAH.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
POPE WAS IN BRAZIL.
IN BRAZIL, GET THIS, THREE MILLION PEOPLE ATTENDED THE POPE'S MASS.
THREE MILLION.
YEAH.
THE POPE ATTRIBUTED THE HUGE TURNOUT TO HIS OPENING ACT, THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS.
HE TOURS WITH THEM WHEREVER HE GOES.
THE THEY PLAY A SET AND THEN HE COMES OUT AND HE CROWD SURFS, APPARENTLY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, THOUGH, IT'S TRUE.
THREE MILLION PEOPLE ATTENDED THE POPE'S MASS.
HE SAID MASS AND THREE MILLION PEOPLE WERE THERE.
AT COMMUNION TIME THEY HAD TO BRING OUT THE BODY OF CHRIST CANNON.
IT'S LIKE WHO WANTS A WAFER?
IT FIRES HUNDREDS OF THEM AT A TIME.
BUT I KID.
TODAY, THE POPE ACTUALLY DID MAKE HISTORY.
THIS IS A BIG STORY.
POPE FRANCIS TODAY SAID HE WILL NOT JUDGE PRIESTS WHO ARE GAY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.
IN RESPONSE, GAY PRIESTS SAID, THEY WILL NOT JUDGE POPE FRANCIS FOR WEARING THAT ROBE WITH THOSE SHOES.
[LAUGHTER]
APPARENTLY THEY CLASH.
YOU ALL FOLLOWING ANTHONY WEINER?
I DON'T MEAN LITERALLY FOLLOWING HIM.
ARE YOU FOLLOWING HIM ON TWITTER?
SINCE HIS LATEST SEXTING SCANDAL, THINGS KEEP GETTING WORSE AND WORSE FOR NEW YORK CITY MAYORAL CANDIDATE ANTHONY WEINER.
YESTERDAY, ANTHONY WEINER'S CAMPAIGN MANAGER QUIT.
WEINER DIDN'T GIVE HIM ANY SEVERANCE BUT HE DID OFFER HIM A PACKAGE.
YEAH.
TRUE STORY.
THAT'S A TRUE STORY.
I'M NOT GOING TO MIND THAT.
YOU ACTUALLY SEND THESE KINDS OF PHOTOS AROUND.
ANDY: I'LL DO IT FROM BEHIND THE PODIUM.
THERE.
CONAN: IS THAT WHERE YOU USUALLY SEND THEM?
ANDY: ABSOLUTELY.
CONAN: THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING WHILE I'M DOING THE MONOLOGUE.
CLICK.
YOU HAVE A VERY LOUD IPHONE.
ANDY: I SAY "CLICK" WHEN I TAKE THE PICTURE.
CONAN: BILL CLINTON, FORMER PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON IS REPORTEDLY VERY UPSET THAT ANTHONY WEINER IS COMPARING HIS SEXTING SCANDAL TO CLINTON'S AFFAIR WITH MONICA LEWINSKI.
TODAY, BILL CLINTON SAID, REAL MEN CHEAT IN PERSON.
THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.
TRUE STORY.
OH, THIS IS EXCITING NEWS.
IN GERMANY, RESEARCHERS WERE RECENTLY ABLE TO STOP LIGHT FROM TRAVELING FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME.
ISN'T THAT AMAZING?
HERE'S HOW THEY DID IT.
THEY PLACED THE LIGHT ON UNITED AIRLINES.
APPARENTLY YOU'RE FANS OF THAT AIRLINE AND YOU HAVEN'T HAD A PROBLEM.
MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE SAID AMERICAN.
OH, THAT GUY -- ONE GUY'S MAD AT AMERICAN.
THE INVENTOR OF THE WORLD'S FIRST ARTIFICIAL TEST TUBE HAMBURGER, TRUE, SAID THAT, "IT LOOKS, FEELS AND HOPEFULLY TASTES LIKE MEAT."
THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.
HE WAS IMMEDIATELY SUED BY ARBY'S FOR STEALING THEIR SLOGAN.
WOULD YOU TRY A TEST TUBE HAMBURGER?
ANDY: NO, I WOULD NOT.
CONAN: I WOULD.
I WOULD.
ANDY: ALL RIGHT.
CONAN: I WOULD.
ANDY: THAT'S THE ONLY WAY WE DIFFER.
[LAUGHTER]
CONAN: EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT US IS EXACTLY THE SAME.
I WOULD TRY A TEST TUBE HAMBURGER.
IF IT WAS 4:00 A.M. AND THERE WAS NO FOOD IN THE HOUSE AND I COULD MAKE A HAMBURGER WITH A TEST TUBE, I WOULD DO IT.
ANDY: YOU DIDN'T FRAME IT LIKE THAT.