I need some feedback on this explanation for my husband. PLEASE!

emotion (Photo credit: photo.anger)

I’m trying to clarify what’s going on with me for my husband – how he seems to perceive it vs how I perceive it. But I’d like to get some feedback from you who follow my blog to see if what I’ve written makes sense. Please help me to clarify this as much as I can for him. He loves me and I love him.

Here’s how it seems that you see me – please correct me if and where I am wrong. And then I will attempt to explain how I perceive myself to you.

Here seems to be what we’ve both observed: I don’t do well with calmness. I need to keep my plate full to overfull.

* You told me that I seem to seek out things to get upset about. And if those get resolved, I find other things.
* I need to be upset. I need to feel like a martyr

* I take little things and make them into big things.
* I pick on Peter, or you

* I take things too personally
* I don’t see how little wrongs are in the big picture ( I can’t tolerate them) all or nothing
* I obsess
* I look for things to be wrong

* I don’t seem to want to be happy

_____________________________________________________

OK, Here’s what it feels like from inside me … pretty creepy some times

* ANGER upsets me: mine, yours, Dad’s – anyone’s. Loud voices, doors slamming, screams. It doesn’t have to be directed at me even. But I’m always afraid it will be. It can be in a movie, a book, taking place in my vicinity, caused by me, aimed at me, …

* I feel very anxious about … everything … my work (that I can’t do it right, have become incompetent ….etc) moving, making decisions, choices I’ve make that have impact where we’re at in life now, how I’ve been as a parent, wife, daughter, what I’ll do after we move.
* I love you very much and most of the time I feel that you know best about everything. However, there are moments, when my thinking gets twisted and I lose sight of that and only see what I’m upset about, and can’t see the good for the bad (so to speak) It’s called black and white thinking. This doesn’t happen often, but like my anger, is like a switch being flipped. impulsive.
* Sometimes, when we’re arguing, I may seem to drift off and to seem to be taking what you’re saying very seriously. What it is it that I can’t connect with what you’re saying so I dissociate from it. This doesn’t happen often, only when I’m really upset by what’s being said like when you said you didn’t think you could stay with me. I just couldn’t register that.

* Nothing seems top be able to remain “little” in my mind. It’s not that I TRY to take little thing and make them into big things, it’s just that by having them around as “issues”, they hale me avoid myself – what are actually the real big issues. Same with picking fights with Peter and you. keeping it away from myself, – I’m not the problem. When I really am. What my problem is is how emotionally sensitive I am an how difficult it is for me to control y emotions. That seems to be why I try and divert everything away from MY emotions and onto someone else’ or some other situation.
* I keep thinking that if someone or something forces me to come face to face with myself, without the ability to run away from it, I’ll be in a sink or swim situation. And I hope it’ll be a swim. Sit me down, force me to face my demons, my feelings, finding out that I won’t actually die from them. I just don’t seem to be able to see things as they really are. I try to, but it’s always distorted.

* When there’s nothing going on to keep me preoccupied, it’s a very uncomfortable feeling. I don’t know what to do! That’s where impulsive behavior can come in, I HAVE to do SOMETHING to have some kind of feeling. If I don’t, other feeling seep in that can be uncomfortable to deal with. And when they do, my behaviors can become even more out of control to try and push those feelings down (cutting, burning, yelling/anger erratic driving – ask Peter)
* I need to learn to tolerate them and listen to the part of my mind that says it’s ok. This move may be a part of that change in me.

* Right now I find myself hyper sensitive to emotions of sadness, loneliness, and fear of loss. I’ve always been afraid of losing you even though you remain with me. Abandonment

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10 thoughts on “I need some feedback on this explanation for my husband. PLEASE!”

This sounds good, but truly… If he’s anything like most husbands, its going to be too much. I also remember a post awhile back from “A day in the life of a busy gal…”. She talked about how we (BPDs) very often way over explain, mostly because we assume that the other person isn’t going to believe you. I do it really bad. It takes me HOURS to write posts mainly because I’m trying to figure out what I should take out. If it were me, I would give him the book definitions of BPD, then below each definition explain how it affects you, if you have the symptom. I get the feeling that your husband doesn’t understand BPD or done much research. Maybe medical definitions (you could even print them out!) with short explanations that are just factual might work. I dont know! Ill see if I can find the other post from Sharon about BPDs and explanations too. It helped me a lot. I specifically remember her saying that after a few minutes people tune out. Even if they’re trying or are interested. That’s all I’ve got. I’m way fortunate. My husband knows more about the facts than I do. The feelings however … those he has to work on a LOT. He told me earlier this week that a part of him would be relieved if I killed myself. NICE. THANKS for confirming my own thoughts and adding to them! He thinks anyone would be somewhat relieved regardless of the illness. When he was dying it never.crossed my mind!!

Thanks Mandi … that does help a lot. I don’t know that he’s researched it at all. He thinks he knows me in and out just because we’ve been married for so long. I don’t even know me. At all! You’ve had some great advice for me and I really appreciate it. Your husband must have been in a very frustrating moment when he said that cruel remark. For some, that would be all that would be needed. Please let you NOT be that kind of person. You are special and offer so much! You have already given me much. I really want to meet and be friends with you.

I was in a lake when he said it… kept taking steps further and further in while I was still on the phone. But I can’t kill myself. My parents would literally make everyone I love’s lives a living hell! I just wanted to get as close as I could. Push it a bit. 🙂 Mark and I have been married for 13 years so I’m sure he thinks he knows me pretty well. Maybe it’s how it all happened that’s the difference. Have you had BPD for a long time? Mine was slowly building up but came out with a big bang that couldn’t be ignored! Last year at this time I appeared to have things pretty much together! Mark has talked to my doctors and therapists which has helped, especially when I’ve been in the hospital. He could call and get updates. That way it’s not just ME (who is crazy!) saying it, but it’s coming from professionals who have worked with people like me for a long time. I hope your husband will be open. Maybe set a specific time where you sit down and talk about it and tell him how important it is to you that he learns a little more, even if he doesn’t think it will help. You know him best, so think about what he might respond to. It’ll work out. I’m thinking that a move might be just what you need. Sometimes a change in scenery makes a huge difference. Even if it’s for a little while, it’s better than nothing! 🙂
Mandi

Thanks Mandi, I think I’ve had it for most of my life. If you read my 4 part post – The Secret – that was a short story I wrote for a college class in the early 80’s, based on experiences that were familiar to me. I was diagnosed with BPD about 6 years later, but still didn’t know what it was all about until 20 years after that! It’s been a long trip! My husband has been with me since I was 17 and I’m about to turn 50. I’ve been like this the whole time, but it’s never been understood by either of us. He’s just known that I’ve been sick. I do know he loves me.

It’s really interesting what you have written, I can identify with it so much. Especially the thing about needing to be occupied with something. It’s almost like the BPD thing of having to feel the chronic empty feeling. When I don’t have anything to do that is when it hits me the most, but sometimes it is just too tiring to be busy.
I really understand the feeling of needing to be upset too. I’m not sure I can explain why I feel the need for it to exist, when it doesn’t exist it’s kind of scary, but I try to enjoy it.
I think you have explained it really well, I really understand what you have written, but maybe it’s because I have lived these things too? I think it is so difficult to explain a feeling to someone that they have never felt. I hope he can understand at least some of it, but maybe the more you share with him, the more he will beging to grow and understand.
Have you looked at the MIND website (I don’t know what country you are from!) They have a good bit about how friends and family can help support someone with BPD http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/borderline_personality_disorder#family
Love HS

Thanks so much for understanding and for the website. I will look into it. By the way, I’m from the US … currently in Wisconsin (smack dab in the middle, just north of Chicago) but about to move 2000 mile west to California. Thanks for explaining the emptiness feeling and the need no be upset. That helps too. I will check out the web site now. Mandi (previous comment) suggested a book for me to look into as well. I appreciate everyone’s help because, as we all know, abandonment is such a huge issue, even when I’ve been married for a very long time!

When I was diagnosed BPD, during my first hospital stay. I was relieved. I knew that what I was feeling was real. I was not the “giant headed monster” who was all alone in a world full of “normal people”. I tried to learn all that I could about my disease. As I went on to discover new things that applied to me with my BPD. One of the biggest was as I call it: “my logial brain”, and my “illogical brain”. Even when my illogical brain was out in full force, and doing and thinking bad things, my logical brain just sat there froze and helpless. I learned that I catastrophised things, making the situation only that much worse. My anger is my “mania” with my BPD. Unfortunate like you my family gets the brunt of my anger. Joe and the kids know the “generic” parts of my illness’. Along with the BPD. I also suffer from anxiety, PTSD, and Stockholm syndrome. With my diseases and all that goes with them, visiable, verbally’ and physically, there remains the big elephant in the room. Joe does not ask, and I do not tell. It is unfortunate that I feel and act this way, but I do NOT want people to know what is going on inside my head. I share this information with only close friends that I chose to. I am not sure if this is worse than you and Dave, but I am sure neither one can be that healthy, for us or our spouses? Has Dave gone on the computer and tried to educate himself about your illness’? I know you, and I know how strong you are, what a wonderful person you are, and how great Dave is. I am only a phone call or a short drive away. come to me if you need to. (:

So many parts of this resonanted strongly within me especially : When there’s nothing going on to keep me preoccupied, it’s a very uncomfortable feeling. I don’t know what to do! That’s where impulsive behavior can come in, I HAVE to do SOMETHING to have some kind of feeling. If I don’t, other feeling seep in that can be uncomfortable to deal with. And when they do, my behaviors can become even more out of control to try and push those feelings down (cutting, burning, yelling/anger erratic driving – ask Peter)
* I need to learn to tolerate them and listen to the part of my mind that says it’s ok. This move may be a part of that change in me.

I have been pacing the house all night, thinking of cutting, listening to music, cleaning, fussing anything. I tried to explain the loneliness to my bfriend and have him come over and rather than understanding he asked if I was needy and that being alone is a good thing and I need time alone and he wasnt around to be at my beck and call. Ouch. Feeling rejected in a huge way. Misunderstood.