Friday, March 27, 2009

"I don't really see the point in washing your hair. If you don't care if your hair's clean or not then why would you wash it? It's like, I don't clean my apartment ’cause I don't care. I have my apartment for sleeping in and I have my hair for just, you know, hanging out on my head. I don't care if it's clean or not."- Twilight hottie Robert Pattinson tells TV's Extra

Some things just need to be left unsaid and the fact that you don't think your hair or the place you live needs to be clean are two of them. I will never have the pleasure of being close enough to smell his hair or see his dirty apartment with dirty sheets where he lays his dirty hair.....but I didn't need those details....

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I just received this very important email a few minutes ago..........I think it may be my money from Amy Amy Bo Bamey'sbrother in Nigeria!!!! so excited!!!

Dear Customer!We have been waiting for you to contact us (well wait no longer!!) for your Confirmed Packagethat is registered with us for shipping to your residential location. We had thought that your sender gave you our contact details. It may interest you to know that a letter is also added toyour package (a letter? well why didn't you say so......hell yes I'm interested!). However, we cannot quote its content to you via email for privacy reasons.

We understand that the content of your package itself is a Bank Draftworth of $800,000.00 USD(and boy could I use that about right now!!) FedEx do not ship money in CASH or in CHEQUES but Bank Drafts are shippable (who knew?) . The package is registered with us for mailing by your colleague, and your colleague explained that heis from the United States but he is here in Nigeria for a three (3)months Surveying Project as he works with a consultant firm in Nigeria West Africa (well of course he is, that doesn't sound phony at all....Amy, what's my colleageue/your Nigerian brother's name again?) We are sending you this email because your package is been registered on a Special Order (well, DUH, yeah...how else to send a Bank Draft(?) for $800,000!!).

What you have to do now, is to contact our Delivery Department for Immediate dispatch of your package to your residential address. Note that as soon as our Delivery Team confirm your information, it will take only one working day (24 hours) for your package to arrive it'sdesignated destination. For your information, the VAT & Shipping charges as well as Insurance fees have been paid for by your colleague (he is SUCH a doll!! sending me money AND paying the shipping and handling fees...Amy that brother of yours is some kind of special!) before your package was registered. Note that the payment that is made on the Insurance, Premium & Clearance Certificates, are to certify that the Bank Draft is not a Drug Affiliated Fund (DAF)neither is it funds to sponsor Terrorism in your country. This will help you avoid any form of query from the Monetary Authority of your country (you mean the Federal Government?(Oh, well I'm sure they'll want their fair share, I mean really, they'll probably take half for taxes right up front! but hey, that still leaves me with $400k) However, you will have to pay the sum of $210USD(can't we just reduce my Bank Draft by $210?) to the FedEx Delivery Department being full payment for the Security Keeping Fee of the FedEx company as stated in our privacy terms & condition page. Also be informed that your colleague wished to pay for the Security Keeping fee, but we do not accept such payment considering the facts that all items & package that are registered with us have a time limitation and we cannot accept payment not knowing when you will be contacting us for your package or even responding to us (Oh I totally understand, I'm so unpredictable that way, I wouldn't expect him to pay for EVERYTHING...sheesh). So we cannot take the risk to have accepted such payment incase of any possible demurrage(demur-who?). Kindly note that your colleague did not leave us with any further information (he's a very busy Consultant, he can't be expected to do it all). We hope that you respond to us as soon as possible because if you fail to respond until the expiry date of your package, we may refer the package to the British Commission for Welfare (oh goodness no, not the British Commission for Welfare! I think we all know nobody wants to deal with those guys..) as the package do not have a return address.

Kindly contact the delivery department (FedEx Delivery Post) with thedetails given below:FedEx Online Delivery PostContact Person: Daniel J. BluntEmail:fedex-courier-nig-09@hotmail.comTel: +234-8074478251Kindly complete the below form and send it to the email address givenabove. This is mandatory to reconfirm your Postal address and telephonenumbers.

As soon as your details are received, our delivery team will give youthe necessary payment procedure so that you can effect the paymentfor the Security Keeping Fee. As soon as they confirm your paymentreceipt of $210USD, they will not hesitate to dispatch your package aswell as the attached letter to your residence.

It usually takes 24 hours being an overnight delivery service.Note that we were not instructed to email you, but due to the highpriority of your package we had to inform you as your sender did notleave us with his phone number (he knows I could get it from Amy you know.....)because he stated that he just arrived Nigeriaand he hasn't fix his phone yet (again, busy busy...can't do it all folks!!) . We indeed personally sealed your Bank Draft and we found your email contact (and thank goodness you did!) in the receivers column as the recipient of the foremost package.

Obviously you can see the urgent nature of this email, so Amy........help a sister out, I need my $800,000 USD Bank Draft from your very important and ultra-busy Nigerian Consultant brother. You can clearly see how badly he wanted me to have this Bank Draft. Apparently he doesn't like his very own sister as much as he like random Mommy Bloggers on the intranetz. I'm rich bitches!! Everyone goes on vacation for free on me.......just as soon as I get my Bank Draft! Amy?

I picked up the Twilight movie yesterday at Target. I could NOT wait to get home and watch the movie. I am a huge fan of the whole series, read it twice through and Midnight Sun as well. I just cannot get enough of those two crazy vampire kids.....until I watched the movie and it totally killed my Edward-Bella-Twilight buzz. Totally killed it.

I think if you have only watched the movie and have not read the books you owe it to yourself to read the books. You really don't get the depth of the relationship and much detail is lost in the movie. The movie was a huge disappointment for me. I mean other than Rob and all that.....the storyline was too vague. You don't get Alice's powers or her friendship with Bella, you don't get the whole Edward reading minds thing, you only get bits and snatches of the whole story.

You are doing yourself a huge disservice if you do not read the series. Seriously.....it's THAT GOOD. the movie however.......notsomuch

So if you watched the movie and you just don't get the hype, then you haven't read the books.

I'm holding out hope that deleted scenes and interviews and extra stuff included will be better.....

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

do you like it when people give you diamonds and don't expect sexual favors in return?.....too far?

then get yourself over to Scary Mommy'sand enter the giveaway....you do have to subscribe, which should be NO problem because she is very very funny and if you don't already love her blog.....you will.....pinky swear!

Monday, March 16, 2009

What does two cold and rainy weekend days imprisoned in your home with a whiny and grumpy and "bored" 7 year old and a sick teething quick and agile 1 year old equal?

It equals Mommy stopped at the Wine List today and purchased two (yes I said two....don't judge me...you weren't there this weekend) bottles for tonight!!

It also equals half projects done all over the house and half the new cagebabygate thing installed, half of the laundry done, half of the Daisy patches ironed on, half of the bathroom (my half...ha ha ha) cleaned, half of the pictures retouched, half of the movie I rented watched, half of facebook twitter and blog-reading done and half of my sanity out the window.... okay, more like 60% of my sanity out the window and 40% down the hatch in that cute new wine glass my BFF got me (see picture above...not mine but very similar.....mine says Mommy's Sippy Cup)

How is it that you have no less than 45,000 Littlest Pet Shops, 8 million Webkinz, 2 giant Sterilite's of dress-up paraphernalia, any of 5 televisions and DVD players available, an XBox 360, a Wii, the biggest closet full of art supplies known to man, a desktop and a laptop at your convenience and 485 million Pixo's, yet you are "bored" and you have "nothing to do" and you "never get to do anything" and you hate it. (and before you start with how spoiled she is....I am well aware...you must know that she has three sets of grandparents to blame...I do NOT, I repeat NOT buy her all that crap)....I cannot take the drama

And Little One....well, I got nothin there....she's just wild and wide the fuck open ALL.THE.TIME. and she obviously was meant to be a boy. She is quite destructive and well...we've already discussed her temper and whatnot....

So, just imagine the stuck insideness of that whole scenario for me....

it was a very whiny, grumpy, grouchy, need a Xanax and an attitude adjustment courtesy of the Wine List, ill-pill kind of weekend.....and that was just me....

Who loves popcorn? I know I do, especially when it comes from the movie theater all fresh and drizzled all over with that fantabulous butter and no I'm not sending you to the movies (but that would be good too) and I'm not sending you popcorn from the movies (that would be some kind of messy wouldn't it? Movie theater popcorn just happens to be the best, I'm just sayin....

Well you know when you pop popcorn at home and you get to the bottom and there are those crunchy little half popped pieces of heaven waiting for you? I know Big One and I fight over those pieces and I always try to take the popcorn out of the microwave early so I can get lots of those little half-popped kernels.

What if you could get a hole canister of JUST the half-popped crunchy yummy best part of popping popcorn? Well guess what my friends......YOU CAN!! They are called POPNOTS!™and they are the best snack ever! I love love love them and since I love them so much I want to share! They aren't sold everywhere, but check the website to see if you can get them near you.....

So here's the deal, I'm giving away a canister (or two) of these awesome POPNOTS!™ because they are THAT good and I like to share!

To enter submit your comments and tell me what your favorite snack is and why I should try it (and where I can get it!). A random number will be drawn by the most sophisticated high tech random number drawing software known to mankind.......her name is Big One.....she has a bucket and she's not afraid to draw numbers out of it!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The horns beginning to bud through that pile of hair? I didn't notice either until yesterday when I made a sordid attempt at picking up her Albuterol script at Target.

I walked into Target just like normal, got my cart just like normal (I mean let's face it folks, she's been to Target once or a hundred times since birth) and lifted her up to put her in the cart seat in the front like normal.....only this time very unlike normal she starts SCREAMING as though I have just chopped off her arm and kicking her feet, flailing her arms and just totally freaking the fuck out. I am embarrassed to say that I was at a loss. I have never had to deal with such fit-throwing. Big One did not throw WAFs (Wild ASS Fits---thank you More Wine Please) like this and I'm not sure I know anyone with a ONE YEAR OLD that acts like a three year old BRAT on crack. It was the most heinous experience of my life. The fits did not end with the cart incident either. She wanted DOWN. She wants to crawl around on the floor. She did not want to be confined to the seat OR the cart. I tried putting her in the cart part too.....not having it. She wanted out and down and on the floor. She screamed, she cried she threw an all out WAF like I have never born witness to. She is One.Year.Old. Holy Omen child Batman.......God help me.

She was AWFUL. I mean AWFUL. She REDEFINED the word awful. It was awful to the point that I may never be able to go to my fav Target again. I may be a marked woman.....they may see me coming and put the place on lockdown.

Her temper is getting stronger and her demanding personality is something that I don't know quite how to deal with......but lets just say that I see a lot of cases of the red ass in her future!

Monday, March 9, 2009

okay......so maybe this is kind of lame to post, but I think it's important and to quote Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman "I'm a safety girl!"

Crucial because of recent abductions during the daylight hours, refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation...

This is for you, and for you to share with your children, your bloggy friends, your IRL friends, your Mom, your Dad, your sister, your cousin.....everyone you know.

After reading these 10 crucial tips, let me know if you know of any more that might benefit the readers because you can never be too cautious! It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do : The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do! (and if you are the husband of a woman who knows of this tip and isn't in 'the mood'....watch it...I'm just sayin)

2. This comes from a tourist guide. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you... Chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! (good tip yes, but I'm interested if the tourist guide has seen this in action or what)

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car (don't laugh, it happens), kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit(doing their check book, answering emails and text messages (who me?) or making a list, etc. DON'T DO THIS!) The predator will be watching you (shit, now I'm gonna be paranoid that someone's always watching me.....DAMN you Big Brother), and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR ,LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF,Repeat:DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes, bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location. (of course my husband is the one that always says....."they won't keep her long....they'll bring her right back".....ha ha fucking ha...always a comedian....)

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage: A.) Be aware: Look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers (seems to be a lot of tips about serial killers here no? epidemic I'm unaware of?) attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars. C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot.This is especially true at NIGHT! (AS IF my lazy ass would be taking the stairs anyway.....what? I have a bad knee.....)

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ.RUN, Preferably in a zigzag pattern!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP! (note to self and minis....Mommy is DONE with sympathy so SUCK IT UP.....mommy doesn't want to get raped or killed!) It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her'Whatever you do, DO NOT Open the door. The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way,Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door. He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it,but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night. (sounds hokey to me, seems we would be reading about this CryBaby Serial Killer all over the intranetz were this remotely true....but JUST IN CASE!)

10. Water scam! If you wake up in the middle of the night to hear all your taps outside running or what you think is a burst pipe, DO NOT GO OUT TO INVESTIGATE!(psshhhh..yeah right, like I would be going out to investigate....that's why I got married) These people turn on all your outside taps full blast so that you will go out to investigate and then attack (who are "these people" and why have I never heard of this before?.....oh well......I shared.....I've done my duty)

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Is it Wednesday again already? Well personally I can't wait for this week to fly on by because not unlike Gretchen (RHOC), I plan to go on a trip to "get away" with my BFF this weekend while my Dad (not my fiance...really my Dad) is holed up in the hospital recovering from his latest cancer surgery.....cause I'm cold and despicable that way....

not really, he's fine and great and they 'got it all' (remains to be seen) but he'll be released Friday to go home.......but thinking of the situation it made me think of Gretchen, only with a Dad not a fiance and I don't look or act a thing like her, although I wish my life was as carefree and silly as hers seems to be.....and damn do I ever wish I had that body.....and this is going in the wrong direction......Zzzzzzzzzzz

So here goes.......

1. Would you rather have a lisp or a wandering eye?

2. Would you rather be on vacation with your parents and have your Mom insist upon wearing a THONG or your Dad a tiny euro-syle banana hammock?

3. On a first date, wear a T-shirt that says, "I'm With Stupid" -OR-a T-shirt that asks, "Who Cut the Cheese"?

ok so I was off on Friday, had lunch with my BFF and shopped....great day. Saturday was cleaning and laundry day, Sunday was Little One's First Birthday (photos coming later) and yesterday was a mother floggin snow day and today......2 hour damn delay and what does all this mean? Well for one thing it means I forgot to take the kitty's food away last night at midnight so she could go get 'fixed' and de-weaponed and vaccinated and what not today.....dammit. That's four appointments that will require rescheduling today. Six if you count the one's I'm doing for my Mom.....so where was I? Oh yes, so what does all this mean?

4 days off work = good4 days home with minis = notsogood for the sanity level4 days off work = desk full-o-crap

Oh and the Bachelor? Oh and Rihanna took him back?......not much time to play today so I'll leave you with that for now....photos of cake face-stuffing coming soon....

p.s.Please pray if you pray, they found more cancer in my Dad's sinuses yesterday and he's in surgery as we speak. I cannot go to be with them it is a several hour drive and someone has to be here at our business. Keep him in your thoughts today please.... Thanking you.....

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About Me

I am overworked (but glad to have a job), underpaid and underappreciated. I am a Mom of 2, Friend to many, Sister to 1, Wife to a complete idiot (but he's cute), Daughter, Office Manager/Accounting Queen, Photographer and Boss Lady. I'm sure there's more if you are still reading....