YES, I will be teaching Tantra again! I wrote the following blog post a couple of months ago but am only ready to share it publicly now. Here it goes: For the longest time, I didn’t listen to music. After Steve died, hearing any kind of melody tore me apart. It has gotten a lot better, and a couple of months ago I even decided to listen to one of my favorite dance songs that we used to play during our workshops. My body fell into dance movements, gently and totally by itself, when out of the blue, as if struck by lightning, I realized that I want to continue teaching and coaching Tantra. Believe me, it was a complete surprise for me!

It had never occurred to me that I would teach again; what – without my beloved? Impossible.

So, I slept over the insight, and awoke the next morning with a new purpose – to schedule Tropical Tantra Coaching at my home in Costa Rica. I started writing the description, and was at the third paragraph when an email came in from a couple wanting to receive private Tantra lessons from me. That week! Wow, the universe responds really quickly, I thought! Amazing. I confirmed my availability with them.

Then I realized that I didn’t have a partner to do the demonstrations with, oh no! What now? I called around to see if I could find a suitable single man (not one in a relationship, too complicated) who might like to learn from me and demonstrate certain practices. Not one suitable candidate appeared. Hm. I slept over it again, and awoke the next morning with the memory that Steve and I had video-recorded many of our demos in workshops in 2009. I had never actually watched that material.

After reviewing various external hard drives, I found the footage. It was so beautiful! Here are Steve and I in 2009 at Omega Institute in New York. Me with long hair, two beautiful breasts, him in his favorite silk shirt, smiling. I watched about an hour of us talking to the group about Tantra and then demonstrating the Sacred Space ritual.

When I watched it, I did not feel sad, and I did not miss Steve. I just looked at these two beautiful people, their passion and love and humor and connection, and I felt so blessed to have been part of this wild and wonderful journey of teaching all these hundreds of workshops with Steve. We really did make a difference with our work and our love!

I feel such joy at seeing him on the video, uncensored, talking to the group, not edited, just him and me the way we did things together in the workshop. For the first time since he died, I can look at him and simply be in love. Not in grief or loss or mourning, but in love and appreciation what we created together.

I decided then and there to create a few videos from the material as my teaching tools that I can use for private coaching sessions. It was lovely to decide on the sequences, to laugh with Steve, to laugh at myself, and not be attached to the fact that “we”, as we once were, are no more.

I must admit that I also realized something else, something I had not quite forgotten but it had not been at the forefront of my experiencing – I have been a tantrika since I was 14 years old. I practiced Tantra in many ways before I met Steve. We then spent 17 years together and … the tantric way of living. Now that he is gone – am I still a tantrika? Yes, I am. I am still a tantrika. I am still “me”, and I am open to teach and share from a new place of depth and experience, having faced my own mortality and witnessed that of my beloved. Of having been life-threateningly ill, and coming back to life.

My experience of Tantra has deepened in ways that I had not been able to see until then.

The clients arrived and we spent a couple of hours together. Sitting in the small circle of our threesome, I felt strong and grounded. My voice was clear and powerful. I was amazed; I could actually talk about Tantra without Steve, without crying! And I even had new things to say!

Before we started, I had set up the space with my TV and lined up the new video. When it was time, I used it for demonstrating how to create a sacred space. It was lovely. The couple did not know Steve, they knew the story though. After the video was over, and I explained to them the different things we did, and the steps of creating a sacred space, I referred to Steve. He was in the video after all, and it was me with the long blond hair. The man had not realized when watching the video that it was Steve, and he burst into tears. It was very touching to witness that Steve is still reaching people’s hearts even though he is no longer alive in a body. What a great legacy, and what a perfect reminder to cultivate now that which doesn’t die when we leave the body behind!

It was a powerful experience in many ways. More than anything, I am elated to have reconnected with my deep, strong and pulsating inner source that is unattached to anyone or anything on the outside, to the well-spring that is ME.