“Things never happen on accident. They happen because you have a vision… you have a dream.”

Oscar de la Renta

True dat… =) You know I have been in the process of reinventing myself these past 14 months; or to be more accurate, allowing myself to bloom again and finding my muchness after so long wandering in the spiderwebs, torn and miserable… I have been practicing the art of loving myself, fully and without reservation. Hold on a sec… not as sexual as it sounds, gutter-minded friends. =) I mean that I am again embracing Tish, every part of me, completely and happily. My crooked nose and my chubby thighs along with my amazing brain, sexy baby blues and infectious laugh. =)

It is imperative to allow ourselves to get in touch with our not so great bits, as well as the awesomeness, to stare into our own eyes in the mirror, without criticism but with all the love and respect that we bestow on others. HOW is it that our culture has made glorious WOMEN feel as if we are lacking ? What is it in us that accepts this restraint, this shoving-ourselves-down ?!

A year ago I would have responded without hesitation that I did not deserve to be good, or whole, because I had been conditioned to believe this with every ounce of my being. Well, actually, there was just one ounce of me left in there, fighting for purchase, and when I allowed her to break free, she freed me instead. In breaking out of my shell and self-made prison, I blossomed, like an orchid that was wilted in the cold does after being brought back into the steamy greenhouse.

Of course, the process of thawing was not without discomfort. As the broken bits melted away, I was left with raw, precious new self to tend, and tend YOU MUST at this point in your growth and renewal. Every day, every single day, I faced myself in the mirror, and got to know that precious being staring back at me. I would work out, move my body, any way it asked me to that day… I was screaming for activity, and the blood coursing thru my veins felt like molten energy, pure and what a rush !! I stopped cooking the foods he liked and focused on raw veggies, shakes, steak and Kombucha, infusing my regenerating tissues with precious nutrients. I would turn off the telly and dance, 30second dance party morphing into several hours a day of dancing like a fool, singing out loud, and embracing my own perfect self for the first time in a decade and a half.

I allowed myself to fall into bed with a man, the first man other than The Professor in around 14 years. I did not ease back into the saddle, ladies. I “practiced” first for months, deciding what felt good and what I wanted, and needed out of a sexual encounter. Then, armed with newfound self-assurance, I prowled. I found The Boy easily enough, and managed to interest him with not much effort. The first time I ran my hands down his naked sides, I felt powerful again for the first time since 1999. Things I thought I did not care for became my new favorites. I was sexual, powerful, starving and unleashed. He said, over and over in the months that followed, that I literally blew his mind. And when I was ready to move on, I did it again. And then again. I am no slut, but I am searching for that one man who can rock my world. The brain sex, the physical sex, and the laughter. I want it all. Because I am a WOMAN, and I deserve it, and believe me, I want to and can deliver it all, too…

Notice I never mention love here ? Am not searching for that silly, confining emotion. I am looking for Mr. Right Now, not Mr. Right. I am looking for a playmate, a commitment, a friend and a lover. I have found a few, but none who can hold my interest for long. I am too focused on ME to be distracted by them for any real amount of time. Am having fun, but have not found a local guy who fits the bill… I gotta tell you, though that Fireman, the over 4 hours away one… yup. =) Just too far away for it to be a regular thing, and the ferry boat ride gets SO COLD in the winter !

Has this effort yielded me anything, you ask ? Yes… I have had a ridiculous amount of fantastic, safe sexual activity, 3 proposals, and 2 men ask me to move in with them. I think I can say without doubt that I am back. And I feels damned good, let me tell you !! Not to mention the fact that I have not had to buy myself a dinner over the weekend since I can remember…

BUT… the process ? Well, it was not all margaritas and vibrators. It was painful, so gut wrenching… because after the first 6 months, I realized I was still me, I was here all along, but I ALLOWED myself to be broken and crammed into the box of “wife, mother, woman” that my pathetic New England, puritanical society desperately needed me to be in. WHY was I shoved down, forced to become a small shadow of myself ? Because in a word, I was fabulous. =)

I was strong. I was mighty. I had appetites, for food and drink and sex, that rivaled my male counterparts. I was unapologetic. I was independent, did not buy into their religion or politics or reindeer games of any kind. I was shockingly intelligent, I was loud, proud and most important, I WAS HAPPY. With me. For no particular reason.

This threatens the status quo, ladies. I actually had husbands tell me that I was giving their wives ideas and would no longer be welcome in their homes. Wow… upon reflection, their dicks must have been mighty tiny to be threatened by little old me. =) Sorry, my male readers, you know I love you all. Just trying to get a point across…

My point is this… Oscar was right. You MUST have a dream, or everything you do will be just going thru the motions. One important thing to note, however… before you can find your vision, your dream… you must embrace yourself. You must love you, the bit of you that is so real, and deep inside. She HAS to be allowed to shine thru, to color your world, to take charge and explode like a phoenix out of the ashes that we are bound under. Once you love YOU, then ladies, let yourself grow. Feed, tend, carefully prune back all obstacles. Create the best version of you that you can imagine, not the version of you that others expect. Because the sacred, female power that we have inside of us is simply dying, day after day, and so will you unless you take a deep breath, and take the plunge… loosen her binds, do not be afraid of what you will become once you allow the ties to break…

The Solstice is almost upon us, and then the days begin to grow once again. At this time of renewal, precious beginnings, more light thrown down upon us from the planets and stars above… think of who you always wanted to be when you grew up. And take a step toward that amazing woman, that thing of beauty that is inside us all. I call it my muchness, and every day, I get a little more of mine back. I look and feel younger, friends I have not seen in a decade are amazed that I look and act younger that I did in my 30’s. I am getting respect from my family, for the first time in 20 years. I have a deep and abiding self worth that I will not ever let go of again. And why… ? Because I dared, like I did so long ago, to make Tish the priority in Tish’s life. In the immortal words of Meredith, I asked “Pick me, Choose me, Love me”… but I did not ask that of a man. I asked it of myself.

I did choose me, and it is the best thing I have ever done. There have been repercussions, as most of my decisions do not align with those pesky societal expectations I mentioned above. But I am now building my very own dream, and the possibilities truly ARE endless, only restrained by imagination. My bitty apartment in The Big Wood is sparsely furnished to my desires, with all manner of lovely things, small and bright. My closet is not full, but therein hangs only things I love, and know I look good in. I have company when I want it, and sleep alone most nights because it is what I prefer. I eat what and when I please, and am deciding what it is I want to do, and where. Warmer climes are in my future, and I will not allow myself to stay up here out of fear, but will be here until it is no longer right, for me. I am a Woman, I always was. But I lost my way, and now I am back. My prowling nature, my curiosity, my need for mental stimulation… all these facets of me are being fed. They are growing, and I am stronger, and more aware with each passing day. I am Tish, I am ME, and I am here to stay ! Look out, world… I’m back ! =)

Ladies, I love you all… and I am not just saying that. I want you all to be able to go to sleep at night, as happy and as content as I now have become. I want to extend an invite to my regulars… if you are in need of a tribe, come on up my way. We ARE a tribe, we just have not gotten chance to hang out yet. =)

Again, as the new season and year are upon us, please take a moment to reflect on your unique, beautiful self. See yourself as I see you; strong, or smart, or funny, or perfect… know your worth is what you make of it, and do not spend another day bound by the pain of doubting yourself. Dream, dream boldly and dream beautifully. And fasten your seat belts, because you will be in for one hell of a ride… !

Related

I had started this post yesterday when I was slammed with a migraine… finished up late and I think I did not make my point well… this was not supposed to be a narcissistic, braggy post… more of a testament to how, if one can just shake off the fear, life can change in ways that are beautiful. =) SO often we hear of the negative, I wanted to give you all some positive.

Again, think the execution could have used some work, but I am keeping this post up. It is real, raw and it is for all of us who need to be reminded that we are perfect as ourselves. I hope my regular readers will get it, and that you all don’t think I am being rude. Lots of love to my ladies !! =)

Don't ever change yourself to impress someone, cause they should be impressed that you don't change to please others -- When you are going through something hard and wonder where God is, always remember that the teacher is always quiet during a test --- Unknown