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Feelings Never Lost

I am a great believer of things happening for a reason, especially when it comes to other people in our lives. Who we meet, who we befriend, who we trust, and who we don’t, they all play some part in our lives, like tiny pieces of a mosaic making the bigger picture. And sometimes those feelings you have for a person don’t really ever go away.

I’m not talking purely romantic feelings here, I mean friendships too. I went to University purely for two reasons. Firstly, I was bored. I just split up with a long term boyfriend and moved back in with my parents. There, in the middle of nowhere, I found I was horrendously bored. Life wasn’t going forward, I felt like I was being dragged backwards. Secondly, I needed to meet new people. Having moved around a lot in my childhood I get feelings of wanderlust every now and again. I don’t think I could ever properly settle anywhere because of it. I took the leap of faith into the wide unknown, and was caught by the open arms of the University of Winchester. There I met some of the most wonderful people I am ever likely to meet.

First year hailed the dawning of the Core Four. Myself and three amazing and totally different guys made up this group of tight knit friends. There are a million stories here that fill the gaps but in the end we drifted, and it was pretty much solely my fault. Happily now I have forgiven myself for it, and making amends as much as possible. But that’s what got me thinking about this subject in the first place. It’s been almost five years since first year at uni, yet the Core Four are in some way always with me. They were the first friend circle I properly belonged to. If I was in trouble or feeling down, I could count on each one of them to be there for me, as I would always be there for them. When I make friends, and even make romantic connections, I feel as though a part of me will be with them, and they with me. Nobody who I have ever befriended has truly left me. I carry the love, the scars, the good times and the bad, all of them, I carry them with me for each one. Sometimes thoughts will flutter back to a moment, a scent, a touch that ignites pain of not seeing them as I did then. A bitter-sweet loss can overcome me. All the hours spent laughing, all the cuddles shared, did it amount to nothing?

There are so many friends I have made in my twenty-five years on this planet (though as a baby, I’m sure most of those friends were of the plushy variety) and yet only a few remain what I would call friends. If I could, I’d spend more time with my oldest friend Kylie. I have known her since we were roughly nine years old. She is now married and has a beautiful daughter April. Although I’m sure if we lived closer together we’d see each other all the time like we used to, we have remained friends to this very day, despite living over three hundred miles apart. And then there are those friends who live the next town over, a mere twenty minutes on the train, who I feel are slipping away from me.

Having spent so many years making friendships and fostering them to flourish, I am both guarded and yet desperate to make connections. They say you’ll know who your true friends are at the end. But when is the end? The end of uni saw the Core Four split and withered. Five years from the day we all met, we’re talking again. Slowly. It’s as if we lived in a grand house but slowly moved out, leaving nothing but the golden chandeliers of our love dim in the dark, only now reopening the door to let the sun back in. Are all our friendships like this? Are some houses left to diminish into dust? Or do they all stand there patiently waiting, hoping one day we’ll realise that time we had was too precious to see abandoned?

Whatever the outcomes of all the friends I have ever made, my feelings for them will never be lost. And I hope the feelings they once had for me never fade too.