Meet Alan West

I was naked in bed reading Drudge Report, as I usually do (because, frankly, it reads better without pants on), when I came across this ad:

To be honest, my first reaction was, “I’m not clicking that just because it tells me to.” But then I clicked it because I don’t have will power.

I watched West give a speech about how he grew up poor in Atlanta. He said he is successful because he “had the opportunity to be successful,” which makes sense, I guess. In his speech he was very proud of the fact that even as a poor black man, he did not rely on the government to aid his success.

It was done because I realized I was an American. And I had the freedom and ability to do that.

West explains how he became a success without the aid of government programs. You see, instead of relying on the government he joined the Army. And now that he doesn’t need the stupid government West is running for U.S. Congress in Florida’s 22nd district.

The bottom line is: West’s speech was really long. And it was like listening to a grandpa go on and on about his army days and about how successful he is and what a loser I am. It was really boring.

So I’m still left wondering why 2 million conservatives watched Allen West on YouTube, like the Drudge Report ad said.

I have a hunch that it wasn’t his riveting speech at all. I think it had more to do with the fact that Allen West looks like Tracy Morgan playing old Bobby Brown. Which is hilarious.