“Alan embarks on a 100-mile hitchhike to see his mother in the hospital. Along the way he must confront his many demons – both living and dead – and in the end make the ultimate choice that will mean life or death for him and his mother!”

Early 2014(?), the Blockbuster in South Pasadena was getting read to shut its doors, which meant a million DVDs were gonna be on-sale. I loaded up with a lot of trashy horror, a few documentaries and some really bad Christian films, because that’s just what I do. There were a few gems, or movies I at least wanted to give a chance. This was one of them because I’m a big King and Garris fan. I haven’t read this novella, so we’re going in blind.

Thoughts:

Mick Garris is the authority. Love that guy.

Alan draws like Bernie Wrightson…hey…wait a sec…

My tagline for this flick: “If you liked the Summer of ’69, you’re definitely going to enjoy the Halloween of ’69!”

I can’t. I can’t watch anything with a razor blade or shaving. And this isn’t shaving.

Whoa, that bathroom scene.

This flick is so goofy. The tone is so odd.

I can’t imagine what hitchhiking is like. Even getting into a Lyft freaks me out.

I dig Alan’s split personality thing.

While I haven’t read this novella, I feel like Garris has such a way of visualizing King’s words in his other projects. This one feels goofy but genuine and reflective.

There are portions of the flick that feel like creepypasta.

Oh man, this was King’s internet debut? Fascinating.

Alan can’t catch a break, 2 for 2 drivers almost in head on collisions.

I think Alan was just dropped off in downtown Haddonfield from Halloween II.

Road rage incidents are my nightmare. Watching this movies makes me realize I’m actually a big wuss who is afraid of a lot of stuff, mainly confrontation and hiding in refrigerators.

AND THEN HE HID IN A REFRIGERATOR. ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

Both King and Garris have such a way of building fear and dread, even in silly premises.

Man, I don’t know what’s going on anymore.

Former WCW World Heavyweight Champion David Arquette!

“That’s about as funny as a screen door in a submarine.” DUDE, GREAT LINE.

Nicotero and Berger effects are so clutch.

It feels like this conversation between Alan and George is supposed to be deeper but I don’t quite…oh, okay, we’re “Riding The Bullet” now. Nevermind.

The soundtrack in this is so rad.

Arquette is underrated.

Shit’s kinda falling apart for me. Though “Thrill Village” is a great amusement park name.

Thrill Village scene is fun.

MICK CAMEO.

“A little bit of death can help you grow up real quick.”

Alright, the last 10 minutes are gorgeous.

“I never made a living as an artist, but I still paint because that’s what I do.” God bless it.

The Verdict:

I enjoyed the first half of it and I thought a lot of the visuals were great throughout. Then the story got stale and sort of fell apart on me. I could’ve done without so much back and forth in Alan’s head. But right at the end, that final hospital scene, absolutely beautiful. Made me almost not mind all that confusion I had through most of the last act. Garris has got a way of visualizing that emotion that King dives into so deeply. Yeah, man, those last 10 minutes. Really stuck it to me. I really, really didn’t think I was going to like the rest of the flick once I got all confused in the middle. You can even see it in my thoughts up top. But that emotional ending. Worth it.

“At first it was a joke, a myth around the campfire for five friends staying at a remote cabin in the Texas woods. But when they begin to disappear one-by-one, replaced by scattered bloodied body parts and voodoo effigies, the remaining few scramble for their lives. But he’s out there. And he’s sick. And all he wants is blood…”

My Story:

Summer is now here for me, and being without an incredibly tine-consuming job leads me to resurrect The Leftovers. It’s been quite a while, I know. But I got DVDs piling up and it looks like I’m going to have to start weeding my collection. Starting with this gem. I remember always seeing this sucker in the rental store and being a bit skeptical of it. Maybe it was that the acronym for S.I.C.K. is “Serial Insane Clown Killer,” and I was wondering if clowns were being killed in the film. I can remember clown horror films sort of scaring me, but I had never in my life watched one to be scared of in the first place. Also, the clown on the cover and the clown on the back don’t really look that similar, except for the obvious white makeup. Also, they used “Texas Massacre” in the tagline, and I never trusted anyone who referenced Texas Chainsaw Massacre to describe their film. Okay, crazy guy killing randos? MOST DEFINITELY LIKE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. But whatever, that’s neither here nor there. My skepticism seems about right, though, seeing that the IMDB rating on this is 2.1, and the Rotten Tomatoes audience rating is 20%. So of course I bought it, somewhere, sometime…OH, look. I bought it with this LOOT. The trailer is also there, so check it out.

My Thoughts:

When it’s produced by the director and the lead actor…well, we’ll see. I’m judging hard in the first twenty seconds already.

Okay, the killer’s name is Billy…right on.

“Bring a change of underwear and all that gay porn you’ve got stashed away at your house because if I get shot down this weekend, I swear to God I’m switching teams.” Sore loser, huh?

Okay, the boss David is a pointless character.

When was the last time anyone ever yelled at an elevator after two seconds of it not arriving?

Two unnecessary flashbacks in a minute and a half? Word. Sorry, three. Three flashbacks. A FORTH. WHAT IS THIS MOVIE?

Thanks for the closeup of Brandon packing the knife from his underwear drawer.

I think I’ve only heard my grandfather say “And away we go” when I was 5. I’m not sure if adults say that to each other.

I wish their car got hit by a train when they crossed the tracks in that one shot. This movie would’ve ended quicker.

Tracy, for someone who doesn’t like Brandon, you sure were protective from that prostitute Sophia.

Flashbacks ‘r Us, Jesus.

“I just wanna suck your toes til you call me Daddy.” Guy at bar to a girl Denise, which is the fifth and final member of this trip to a remote cabin, which looks like anything but a remote cabin. There’s a cobblestone sidewalk.

Brandon is afraid of clown stories, so he’s going to get more beer for the crew after already showing up a minute earlier with beer.

I wonder if Miller Lite sponsored this film.

Brandon, the man who’s afraid of clowns, has a clown mask?

The last thing I wanted in this was a sex scene.

How did Mark and Susan get this fucked up in three minutes?

Nobody gives a shit where Denise wandered off to.

No one likes a poorly mixed disembodied voice, though!

This may be the only horror film in the 2000s with dramatic organ chords. I haven’t heard those in years.

Denise is a slimeball.

“You will regret this.” “What does that mean?!?” Lolz, okay.

This film is just all arguments and no horror.

I’ve never been so close to just shutting off a film.

Good thing they went back to get canteens before searching the woods for Susan.

“Keep your eyes peeled for Susan!” YEAH, NO SHIT BRANDON.

Stock footage of deer? Okay.

Why does the clown sound like a dinosaur?

Brandon just dropped the C-bomb on Denise.

All this clown wants is to pet women with his ax. Isn’t that all that anybody wants?

Half of the budget for this film was spent on plastic dolls.

“It sounds like wood being chucked.” Maybe it’s just my lack of forest knowledge, but I’ve never heard someone seriously use that phrase.

“When Catholic Priest and Inquisitor Nicholas Dread finds out that innocents are being burned as witches he decides to do something about it. Unfortunately for him, his superiors don’t agree and he’s burned at the stake along with two women he forced confessions from. While dying, Nick curses god and makes a pact with Satan to reign over his kingdom someday at any cost.

Now, in 21st Century New York City, Dread has returned to finish the deal. His end of the bargain with Satan must be fulfilled, and many will die so Dread can take the throne in his kingdom of over one hundred thousand corrupt souls. He just has to find the right bunch of victims…and it just so happens the best Goth Club in the city is ripe for this bloodthirsty butcher bent on revenge.

Can a group of Goths and wanna-be vampires hold their own when the real thing arrives?”

My Story:

So…is this a comedy? It sounds very much like a movie Troma would release, but that’s just from the back. I don’t want to jump to any conclusions. Gothkill was an FYE used DVD purchase and, let’s hope, a good one. I’m pumped for Mistress Juliya. Her show Uranium was my shit in middle school. I loved FUSE. I digress, let’s see what Gothkill has to offer.

My Thoughts:

This cult is carrying flaming torches through the woods in daylight.

He threw a torch! That’s how forest fires start.

…breaking the forth wall? Yup. There it is.

I mean, if you’re going to blindly worship some weird priest, you might as well get shot by him to be one of his souls.

“Goth Kill…the Soul Collector” is the original title. Alright. So is the priest named “Goth Kill?” Is it one word or two?

Voiceover explanation, nice.

I don’t think that’s how prison works. But, I don’t know.

You have to find him a new body? This is how Bride of Chucky started, right?

Wow, audio editing isn’t a big deal or anything. I have to keep the volume remote at my side on this one.

Why this voiceover exposition, I’m not digging it.

Do homeless men usually look like zombies?

Oh really, the state of New York all of a sudden decides to start hanging people again? C’mon son.

Flambeaux looks like Mike from Jersey Shore when he’s about to be hung.

Aw yeah goth clothing store montage.

Why are you so upset guy, that’s what you get for making a deal with Satan. Emptiness and regret. Wow, who am I?

“Scorpion Society” is the elite Goth underground. Huge news for the college roommates!

Filmmaking decisions: “How do we make it known that she’s been drugged? I know! Spin the camera around, stopping only on close-ups of peoples faces AND distort the music. That’ll show ’em”

At least Nick Dread didn’t need to explain it to us.

It’s not an “unholy ceremony” if it’s religious.

Alright alright, so the film is making fun of these goth clubs a bit. That makes me feel better about this weird portrayal of them.

Who would’ve guessed the first-time goth club goer would be used in a Satanic ritual. And ultimately possessed by Nick Dread.

C’mon Dread, stop poking that guy with a book.

“what’s the matter, bat got your tongue?” Yeah man, I get it.

Oh thank God, another story.

I swear they must have used an internal mic because the audio is real bad.

Did executioners during this “inquisition” wear leather pants? They must have.

Oh, American accent now? Where’d this priest come from?

Mistress Juliya, even if you were relevant as that character anymore, your appearance is pointless.

Is Nick Dread just mugging people now?

Nick, listen, we know you found your kingdom empty. We found that out 30 minutes ago. You don’t need to break the forth wall to tell us again.

“What should be done with them?” “DEATH!” Death is not a verb, stopit.

Let’s rip on House by the Cemetery.

Why is DJ Demon just doing roundhouse kicks?

Acting is hard, guy who just got stabbed.

Thank god the bodyguards found them all dead.

AW YEAH CROWN OF FLAMES!

There is no way that the “Scorpion Society” was 100,000 souls.

Alright, I’m done with this flaming torture music video montage bullshit. Run the credits.

The Verdict:

I always sound way angrier in my thoughts than how I feel about it overall. Overall, it still wasn’t something I enjoyed. It was very much just…there. As I say a lot of the time. I applaud JJ Connelly for making something he wanted to make, I just wish that it was done better. But hey, there are WAY worse things. It was an interesting idea that just wasn’t done in the best way. I can say, however, that it looked like a lot of fun to make.

“Bill Moseley stars as a smiling maniac named ‘Mr. Suitcase.’ With a briefcase full of razorblades, he crashes a homecoming get-together for Claire (Lindsey Evans) and forces the partygoers to identify people they hate. Soon, a black-hooded supernatural killer is loose killing each person identified by the teens. The terrified friends realize they may also be viciously murdered because Tim (Matt Lero) awkwardly joked that he hated everyone at the party, too! As the corpses pile up and the body parts fly, the kids enlist the help of a crazed chili loving militia man who can give them the weapons they need to stay alive!”

My Story:

Ah yes, a movie Carly found back in May of 2010 at Strand. It’s got a couple of horror regulars in it. I always love me some Bill Moseley, you know? We’ll see how he does in this movie. I just love the fact that the synopsis had to include the fact that the militia man loves chili. I hope that somehow is of importance in this film. Sounds like it’s going to be a pretty interesting flick.

My Thoughts:

A little girl-on-girl to kick things off. Followed by some prick telling one of them to leave.

Oh, she’s a prostitute, alright…

“This is going to be the worst Christmas ever.” Thanks, cashier in an elf hat.

Stop fading in and out of him looking around a small motel bathroom.

DEAD HOOKER IN THE BATHROOM. If I had a dime for every time that happened…

I don’t know why that opening scene happened. At all.

I do wish my name was Mr. Suitcase though.

OH, that opening scene was later that night!

Yup, that girl is smoking two cigarettes at the same time.

This is the most awkward Christmas get-together.

Slow-motion Bill Moseley is extra creepy.

His teeth are SO white.

HAHAHAHAHAHA Bill Moseley was great.

Okay, the child molester neighbor at the door was stupid. But I guess he needed some distraction.

Pretty good special effects; a solid broken arm.

Oh man whyyyyyy did they have to show a curb stomp?

Tiffany Shepis, there is no reason for you to be cleaning any cafeteria like a ninja.

Jump scare yeahhhhhh. Scared the shit out of me.

Why in the hell did that guy just come in and tell Tiffany Shepis that some drug dealer got killed? She couldn’t have found out another way?

Opera music always plays in funeral homes right?

Forrest Pitts’ voice is bothering me way too much. I almost hope he gets killed off before the others.

Okay, you can puke on your dead mother’s body. That shouldn’t be a problem.

Come on man, why do you have to cut her foot in half?

Tim is so bothersome too. This is bad. Though Devin’s jumpsuit is pretty swell.

“Why did you take that picture (of the drug dealer’s split head)?” More importantly, why did you use a Polaroid camera?

The child molester is Robert’s boss, and now he has his ribcage ripped open. Good, great.

The characters really pay NO mind to these grisly murdered people in this town.

I know why this is all awkward. Reasons: Forrest Pitt and Matt Lero.

I’ve given up on this movie, for real. I don’t even know what to write about anymore.

Claire’s ex-boyfriend Anthony is a nutcase. Almost as nutty as Mr. Suitcase.

Oh man, that was not that good. It’s unfortunate, the premise sounded somewhat original and interesting, it was just poorly executed. The special effects were fantastic though! And that’s not quite half the battle…maybe a quarter or a sixth of the battle. Regardless, brownie points for sure. I just wish it was better. Solid performance by Moseley, Shepis, Towles, and even Evans to some extent. But the other cast members were kind of weak, and the writing wasn’t all there. Anyways, I’ll leave you with the trailer and, if you come across Home Sick, you can decide for yourself.

“According to legend the gnome in Brad and Penny’s garden will protect it, but this gnome is different. An innocent gift turns into a murderous nightmare as the pint-sized slasher takes protecting the garden to a terrifying, relentless extreme.”

My Story:

I bought this DVD at a comic book store in Seekonk, MA, and I mentioned it in an August edition of The Loot. Little did I know it was a short film, and I was kind of bummed I spent the money that I did on the DVD. But, I mean, it has a murderous gnome. So I don’t mind owning such a DVD. Plus, there’s “Over 90 minutes of programming!” Could be huge, no? A featurette, commentary, actor auditions, bloopers, posters, stills, “gore scenes” and a trailer! A trailer? A trailerrrrrr:

My Thoughts:

There can only be so many bullet-points for a 16 minute film.

This reminds me a lot of Pinocchio’s Revenge. I hope this is better.

Straight AstroTurf patio.

Dramatic music as soon as Peggy says “I don’t like it” is a nice touch. Well you know what Pegs, I don’t think the gnome likes your AstroTurf.

“You could sleep through a terrorist attack.” Jeez, I hope someone would wake you, Brad.

THERE’S SOMEONE FIXING A LIGHT BULB, WATCH OUT!

“What’s he doing changing a light bulb in the middle of the night?!” Relax, lady. People have chores to do. Much like you tending to your AstroTurf.

“Night of the living bread.” I see what you did there, Brad.

Sweet Jesus, that gnome’s noise is creepy.

Whoa, get dat shiat out mah faceeeee.

The gnome absolutely sounds like a dying animal.

How did that little gnome just drag Brad’s body? A better question: HOW DID A GNOME JUST KILL A HUMAN?

That’s right Penny, an umbrella should fend him off.

Oh come on Penny, you didn’t see that the trowel was gonna go through the bedroom door?

“What do you want?” It just seems like he wants to kill you. I wouldn’t worry about it.

You covered it with a blanket, then a pillow, then you put him in the hamper. None of that’s working, try another method.

It looks like a computer-generated gnome arm flailing for help as Penny stabs him with his trowel. She better start digging his grave. HA, get it?

Or, you can just grill him, that’s cool.

That gnome just outsmarted all of you. Assholes.

No way did someone named Jonsey Jones voice the gnome.

The Verdict:

Not a bad little short! My comments don’t sound like it was very good, but I liked it. It was a little weak all around, but still entertaining and told a pretty clear story. I wish we got to see a little bit more of the gnome, but that’s alright. That acting was iffy, but short films are hard to write, act, and all together make. I probably won’t watch the 90 minutes of extras, but I’m sure it was a fun movie to make.

You can never have enough AstroTurf or offed characters via murderous gnome in any film, of any length.

“A young couple retreats to the wilderness for a romantic camping weekend, but the trip quickly spirals into a nightmare when they are carjacked by an escaped convict and his girlfriend. Thrown together by chance, no one can imagine the terrifying horror that awaits the two couples at a remote and isolated gas station.”

My Story:

I first heard about Splinter in a Fangoria article, I believe. But of course, most movies that I would REALLY like to see get a limited release. So, my hopes of seeing Splinter in theaters were long gone. I found it on DVD though, and if I remember correctly, it was featured on the Loot. Let’s dig in. Or dig out. Get it? Splinter jokes.

My Thoughts:

Middle-of-nowhere gas stations are never any good.

Awww yeah Cape Cod Chips.

Whoa, that animal looked nuts.

In all honesty, I do like how “Creature Design By” is in the opening credits. That’s solid.

The contrast between the two couples was really interesting.

A camping date on an anniversary. That’s nice I suppose.

I would hate when someone called me “Cowgirl” too.

This is nerve-racking.

Sid would not be able to drive stick.

That must be the most terrifying and awkward car ride..

He got a splinter! I hope they say it in the movie. I love when they say the title.

Oh my god why is that road kill moveeeeee.

Lacey is such a crackhead.

WHATTTT?!?!?! The gas station attendant is done for…

I wish I could tell how these creatures actually moved. That first attack the camera was all shaky and I didn’t really understand the movements.

Why are his splinters growing?!

It’s that hand from the Addams Family!

If she breaks the glass I’m gonna flip.

I hate emotionless rambles.

You know, at least there’s a biology student as a hostage.

This is intense.

If someone came into this movie right now without any knowledge of it, they would probably think it was the most ridiculous movie about killer hands.

I’m not about amputation. I’m not about that.

“You can’t change a tire, but fuck if you can’t chop off an arm.”

Heart-to-hearts in the freezer are solid.

What did they do with the severed arm?

It’s like they’re looking for an insect or a mouse right now, they’re banging all the stuff on the shelves and under the counter.

This is so sad 😦 I hate sacrifice.

I literally just yelled, “come on” to the TV. And by that I don’t mean a “come on this is stupid.” I meant a “COME ON GET IN THE CAR THE CREATURE’S COMING!”

I’m glad there was at least one good shot of the creature.

The Verdict:

I don’t only watch movies that are really crappy, okay? I enjoy a good movie every once in a while. And this was a good movie. I’d even say an awesome movie. A simple production with few actors and a great story. The thing that I didn’t like was that you could never fully see the creature. It reminded me of Cloverfield in a way because you never saw it in full. And as scary as shaky camera is, I would think that still camera with the jerky movements of the action would be scarier. But these things didn’t take too much away from this suspenseful horror movie. I enjoy simple movies like this. It was intense too; it was a solid film. I highly recommend it to anyone looking for a new and good horror film.

“When a fast food chicken restaurant is built on the site of an ancient Native American burial ground, the displaced spirits unite with the ghosts of exterminated chickens and transform into Indian chicken zombies seeking revenge! Now, it’s up to a dim-witted counter boy, his lesbian ex-girlfriend, and a burqa-wearing fry cook to put an end to the foul-feathered menace once and for all.”

My Story:

This one is a doozy. Every year at Rock and Shock, Troma has a booth. And for those of you who don’t know what Troma is, I suppose I can give you some insight. Troma is a production and distribution company that prides themselves on the SUPER low-budget films that their names are on. Mostly horror-comedies and complete “trash.” And not the bad trash, just sometimes revolting content done in a way that’s funny or entertaining to watch. It all started with Lloyd Kaufman and The Toxic Avenger in 1984. And it has since grown into this incredible company with a huge cult following.

Anyhow, Troma is loved by many, but also hated for the same reasons. They sometimes release the most absurd films. Like this movie. The film was made in 2006, but wasn’t released on DVD until 2008 (I think). I was given a trailer DVD for Poultrygeist at the 2006 convention and had been anxiously awaitingthe DVD release. I couldn’t possibly turn this movie down! I loved Troma’s Toxic Avenger and Terror Firmer, I couldn’t possible NOT enjoy this.

Low and behold, by the time 2008 came around, it sort of left my mind. I had given up hope on seeing this film. Until one day in FYE, the “Eggs-clusive 3-Disc Collector’s Edition” was staring me down from the Used shelf. It was a no-brainer, I had to buy it.

I will admit that I HAVE watched this film. Well, I sort of watched it. I ended up getting sop annoyed with it/preoccupied with other stuff that it was just left on my television and unfinished. Tonight, I attempt to watch the whole thing, thanks to Dan bringing it to my attention once again.

The one thing you must know is that…you can’t exactly make fun of a Troma film. It doesn’t work that way. The films are so absurd already that making fun of them for what they are trying to do, doesn’t work. So we’ll see how this commentary goes.

My Thoughts:

Yes there is a Poultrygeist theme song that reminds me of Killer Klowns From Outer Space.

Lloyd Kaufman’s introduction to Troma movies are ALWAYS so long.

American Chicken Bunker is the coolest fast food restaurant name.

“Bumping tacos” doesn’t sound like an appropriate name for lesbian sex…oh Lloyd.

You’re damn right this is a musical. Oh my god this is insane.

A Sloppy Jose! YES! The best kind of sandwich.

“Who put these mysterious, vein-covered, pulsating eggs in this box?”

Ron Jeremy cameo. Solid.

A morbidly obese man on a toilet. If this is all poop jokes, I may cry.

I can’t believe they Photoshopped chickens into Abu Ghraib.

Second musical number occurs while Arbie (Yachanin) cleans a poop-covered bathroom and Wendy (Graham) is in a protest.

Unnecessary nudity scene.

I feel like there is some sort of social commentary under all the poop and sex jokes.

This movie is actually pretty funny. I’m glad I started giving it another chance.

Whoa, nevermind. Diaper fetish and intense vomiting may have just brought this movie back down a notch.

The General (Watkins) did not just bite the head off a baby chicken zombie.

Human face through a deli slicer, and another head cracked like an egg.

Straight up Birds reference.

YES! The Faint’s “Dropkick the Punks” is on the soundtrack!

Lloyd Kaufman saves the day, but ruins the moment with “Booyah bitches.”

So.many.chicken.zombies.

HAHAHAHAAHAHA when they turned the Open sign to Closed, the zombies go away. The best.

Just wear the mascot uniform, the zombies don’t know the difference!

Do humans usually grow by drinking a gallon labeled “Meat Steroids.”

Finally another musical number!

The chicken zombie boss spontaneously combusted.

“America isn’t ready to accept a gay, Mexican chicken sandwich.”

There would be a Thriller dance scene. Why must that always happen?

The Verdict:

Wow, wowwwwwwww. That was just craziness. I’m going through the extras now and the original music for this is so entertaining. “All the zombie chickens from Tromaville. All they want to do is kill, kill, kill.” I feel like if I own anything 3-discs or more, I would have to watch at least some of the extras. Music videos, trailers, tons of featurettes. And a lot of actually seems worth watching after a film so “epic,” so to speak. It wasn’t great, it wasn’t high-budget, but it was entertaining and well-made. I had originally put it on the Shelf of Shame, but I am considering taking it off now that I gave it another shot. I NEVER DO THAT! But seriously, it was really funny. It may not be for a lot of people, but it was well written (the film and songs), and the characters were great. A Troma classic. I’m actually upset with myself that it was on the Shelf of Shame. But hey, it happens. If you get a chance to see it and can handle some grossness, violence, racism, obscene sex jokes, and chicken zombies, then see it.