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Your Stupid SXSW Tweets, Categorized

Why? Because I’m pale, embittered, and still in my office, while everyone I know is Instagramming pictures of pool parties and free beer? Well, yes, obviously. You guys spent the morning day drinking in the sun, I spent it on a train full of jerks who wouldn’t even get their fat, terrible bodies out of the way to let me off at my stop. But also, in a slow news week when everyone is out of town and partying without me, the totally monotonous use of social media really adds insult to injury.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Haters can’t stop my shine, if you really care that much, don’t look at Instagram this week.” Nope. Ruining everyone else’s fun seems like the way better option, actually. So here is how you’ve all been tweeting. It’s the worst.