Monday, March 31, 2008

Sports Dish

I disapprove but secretly am thrilled that Washington Nationals fans booed President Bush when he pitched the first ball at the season opener. Growing up in a military family and attending military-sponsored schools, I learned that one honors the office or rank of an individual, not the particular individual. Yet times have changed, etiquette and protocol have been tossed out of American culture, and, truth be told, we are talking about America's first bona-fide unelected war-criminal President, not Abraham fucking Lincoln.

But the real sports news is The Case of the Missing Male Nipples in Orlando.

Apparently city officials advised the WWE to airbrush the nipples of several shirtless pro wrestlers on a billboard promoting Wrestlemania XXIV to ensure that it was not "too provocative."

There they are: Triple H, Randy Orton, John Cena, Floyd Mayweather, and Big Show, all shamelessly shirtless and naked as Mattel made them. (See the photo and article today at orlandosentinel.com.)

Apparently there was some mixup because WWE banners on the sides of metro buses were nipple-inclusive.

I like to think of the missing nipples as an extension of the logic of the state of Florida's antigay stance on marriage and adoption--since homosexuals can't procreate homosexually, homosexuality isn't natural. By analogy, then, perhaps we can conclude that since males can't lactate, male nipples aren't natural either.

In a state where homophobes are pushing for a law outlawing already outlawed gay marriage, the redundancy of male nips and areolas should not be problematic--but nipple-less pro wrestling would be yet another pile driver to gay men's fantasies everywhere.

"I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer."--Brendan Behan