Do You Do Too Much Housework?

Here's how to get your husband to share the load

Remember the survey that found that 33% of women secretly loved doing housework? If that made you want to clobber Mrs. Peacock in the kitchen with a rolling pin, then good news! There’s new research that totally refutes it.

In a Swedish study published in PLoS ONE, researchers surveyed more than 300 couples with children about how housework is divided, how equal each partner perceives their relationship to be, and their psychological states.

Per usual, women were more stressed than men. Even less surprising, they were also responsible for more housework. But here’s what is interesting: That didn’t seem to bother the women—unless they perceived their relationship as gender-unequal.

When women perceived an imbalance in their coupledom—and they had a higher share of housework—their stress levels rose. And we’re not talking about just a few women: About 67% of women perceived their relationships as “not gender-equal,” and 70% of women said they did more than half of the housework. (Only about 56% of men perceived inequalities in their relationships.)

How come? “If we experience the division as unequal when we expected it to be equal, there is a risk of feeling deprived which thereby increases the risk of psychological ill health,” the study authors write.

So there you have it: Chore wars are bad for your health. But if you resent your man for not wielding the mop more, don’t bottle it up—burying anger can raise pain perception, depression, and risk of heart-disease. Instead, try these 3 communication tips from Joshua Coleman, PhD, a psychologist and author of The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework:

1. Redefine “clean.” Are you guilty of watching your husband’s sweeping like a hawk—then swooping in to snatch the broom and do it yourself? Maybe it’s time to redefine what’s clean. “In most homes, women assume that their typically higher standards of cleanliness are the better ones,” says Dr. Coleman. “Acting like your standards are better is likely to make him walk away from the bargaining table.” That may involve lowering your threshold for cleanliness, but if you bargain right, it can also make your hubby raise his.

2. Stay positive. “Men do more housework when they feel liked and cared about, and less when they don't,” Dr. Coleman says. If you’re ready to start a chore war, wait to talk it out when you’re calm.

3. Use your power. Hey, a little ultimatum never hurt anyone. “Make it clear that you'll pull back on tasks that are important to your partner if he refuses to help you with tasks that are important to you,” Dr. Coleman suggests. That means no cooking if he doesn’t clean up afterwards. And make a mental note of the tasks your husband does even when you don’t—it’s an easy way to lighten your domestic load.

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