I posted these short stories in the jolly-ol' portent and some people even considered them to be slightly amusing. The first one is written just after the 'storm of chaos' - campaign and the second some time after the first one. So here they are again (scary drum music): The masters of all, the dreaded ones, the spooky, the goofy, the chaos gods.

Part 1

(Door slams)
Tzeentch: Ah mr Khorne...we've been waiting for you. Please join us.
Khorne: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!
Slaanesh: Oh no...here we go again.
Nurgle: Oh shut up girlie girl! Let Khorne talk.
Slaanesh: I'm not a girl! I'm...uh...feminine.
Nurgle: Riiight...
Tzeentch: Ok gentlemen we really should...
Khorne: SKULLS FOR THE THRONE OF KHORNE!
(Tzeentch whispers strange words and suddenly a goblin wolf rider appears)
Khorne: CHAAARGE!
(Khorne runs after the goblin)
Slaanesh: Hehehe...your trick never fails T.
Tzeentch. Thank you mr.Slaanesh. I got the idea when my minions were fighting against those pesky greenskins.
Slaanesh: Pesky greenskins eh. We've got one right here...hehehe.
Nurgle: That's it! One more word about my appearance and you'll get a horn up your butt.
Slaanesh: Oooh...you turn me on N.
Tzeentch: Gentlemen we're already late so let's get started. Subject one: the storm of chaos. Didn't really go the way we thought it would.
Nurgle: I blame the skaven.
Slaanesh: WHAT?! They helped us more than anyone.
Nurgle: Yup...they stole my thunder.
Slaanesh: Ok...I've got three letters for you my friend: L-O-L.
Nurgle: And I've got four letters for you: S-T-F-U!
Slaanesh: You're just jealous for not being the only plague-spreader.
Nurgle: Why you little...
Tzeentch: *Sigh* Let's drop that and move on to mr.Everchosen. He failed us so I suggest we give him a nice little beating.
Nurgle: Agreed.
Slaanesh: I also agree. Why don't we give this task to our goblin-chasing friend. He is very fond of beating things. Whaddaya say big K?!
(A faint 'Blood for the blood god' can be heard from the distance)
Tzeentch: Good! That's settled. Our time is running out so I'll see you next time.
(Everyone starts to leave)
Slaanesh: Hey N. Why do you always have to bring those nurglings with you? They gnaw my ankles...
Nurgle: You whine too much. Shut up for a second.
Slaanesh:...and those screamers are too loud. Leave them home T.
Nurgle: Oh my god. You're such a wuss.
Slaanesh. Hahahahaha...you said 'oh my god'. Did you hear that T? Hehehehe...
(Tzeentch tries to hold his laughter and turns purple)
Nurgle: That was the last straw! I'll break your balls pinky...
Slaanesh: You have to catch me first. Wheeee....
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::::

Part 2
(Somewhere near chaos wastes Archaon's warhost is fighting against Valten's posse. Just as the two warlords are about to start their duel the 'fantastic four' appear)
Archaon and Valten: WTF!
Tzeentch: Shut up mortal fools. We have come to punish you all for your deeds.
Archaon: Hehehe...now you're in big trouble Walt.
Slaanesh: Stupid pup...you have failed miserably and shall also feel our wrath.
Valten: See Archie, I told you it was stupid to ally with these clowns.
Khorne: CHAAAARGE!!!
Valten: Uh-oh...
(Valten runs away with Khorne right on his tail)
Archaon: Heh...mr. Reincarnation is going to get mashed.
Tzeentch: Idiot, don't you understand that you're going to have the same fate for failing us?
Archaon: For failing you...well what did you expect? You give me demons that go poof when someone gives them an angry look. Even those puny elves and their pitiful archers give my troops hard time. How can I even dream of beating the whole alliance of light?
Nurgle: Uh...
Slaanesh: Well...umm...
Tzeentch: Our precious greater demons are invincible, but even with them you managed to lose.
Archaon: Invincible huh? Have you seen the size of empire cannons nowadays? If we wouldn't have skaven by our side this whole project would've been a total disaster.
Slaanesh: Just like I told you pus-brain.
Nurgle: Grr!
Tzeentch: Would've been a total disaster...well what do you call the current outcome then?
Archaon: At least I reached the gates of Middenheim. Sometimes I think there's even greater power than you behind all this. I even saw a dream of a strange red-shirted god called Gav Th...
Slaanesh: BS! You're just making that up to justify your miserable failure.
Archaon: No I'm not!
Slaanesh: Yes you are!
Archaon: No I'm...hey look. It's Walt.
(Valten enters the scene. He looks very tired)
Valten: Phew...luckily I saw some huntsmen hiding on a bush and tricked that big red guy to attack them. May Sigmar have mercy on their souls and so on. What's going on in here?
Archaon: I told these guys that the failure wasn't my fault.
Valten: Well...you're right. Hehehe...even those crazy flagellants thought your army was not such a big threat.
Nurgle: RAAAAAGH! You've mocked us for the last time.
(Nurgle snaps his fingers and Valten transforms into a small fluffy poodle)
Archaon: Oh my god! (Slaanesh giggles) You turned him into a terrible drooling chaos spawn.
Tzeentch: He sure did. Hey Archaon look behind you!!!
Archaon: Huh?
(Tzeentch snaps his fingers and Archaon is mutated into a large dobermann)
Slaanesh: Woooow...cool Mister T.
(Archaon starts to sniff Valten's 'back')
Nurgle: Look...what is Archaon doing to Valten? Ugh...disgusting...
Slaanesh: Yup, but somehow exciting at the same time.
Tzeentch: I've had enough. Let's get out of here.
(Tzeentch starts to cast teleportation)
Nurgle: Yeah...this whole 'storm of chaos'-thingy has really exhausted me. You got any of those lost souls left Slaanesh old fiend? I could really eat one of them.
Slaanesh: You should watch what you eat N. Why do you think your skin is covered with all those pimples?
Nurgle: Ahh...aguess your right. Hey Tzeentch you got that teleport ready yet?
Slaanesh: I have this strange feeling we forgot something...
('SKULLS FOR THE THRONE OF KHORNE' can be heard from a forest nearby)
Tzeentch: I'm sure it's nothing...here we go.

Crube

18-10-2005, 16:05

Now THAT is hilarious...

put a smile on my face after a truly crappy afternoon here at work...

Cheers dude!!!

Razerz

18-10-2005, 16:47

Funny! The best bit is when Tzeentch conjures the wolf rider and makes Khorne chase it.
Good job!

Timber_Wolf

18-10-2005, 16:53

LOL...loved these ones ;)
more, please :)

Krusk

18-10-2005, 17:24

Us orcs stole wins from the Chaos invasion though. the Margin you lot had less than the COL was about the number of times the orcs put altogether won against you. At least I think so. Funny really, Gav thought we would act one way, but we acted another, and fluff wise, the orcs can't really go back to the badlands, as the tomb kings took them, so the orcs hang around in the empire or its outskirts now.

warlordgrubnatz

18-10-2005, 21:15

hahahaha lol

Aekold

19-10-2005, 13:47

i think TZEENCH is the coolest guy around! ^^ all those hippe colours! :rolleyes:

Aekold

19-10-2005, 13:57

Sooooooo damn funny laughting my ass of! ^^

i want more!

blurred

19-10-2005, 16:52

Heh...thanks all. Always nice to make people laugh. I've been pondering whether to write some more, but I'm not sure if I have the time. Thx once again.

Crube

19-10-2005, 16:54

make time blurred...

we'll all love you forever (in a manly, non squidgey way of course...)

please?

Izram

19-10-2005, 17:18

(Tzeentch tries to hold his laughter and turns purple)

Slaanesh: I also agree. Why don't we give this task to our goblin-chasing friend. He is very fond of beating things. Whaddaya say big K?!
(A faint 'Blood for the blood god' can be heard from the distance)

Particularly funny. If you want a little constructive critism though; try not to agknowledge the jokes that are made. What I mean is, don't extend a joke farther than it needs to be, after Tzeentch sends Khorne off chasing the wolf rider, you don't need the "your trick never fails T", I feel as though it softens the humor a bit. Its funny because of the non-chalent quality of their immense powers. A little editing would make these smoother. Still very funny though, unlike some warhammer humor which can make you cringe.
Also, you might consider having them call eachother Mr. N or Mr. K instead of just the straight letter. Kind of like in Dark City if you've seen it. That always made me smile. It would make the read a bit smoother, Plus then Tzeentch would be Mr. T :P.

x-esiv-4c

19-10-2005, 18:32

hehe funny, seems familiar though...

Hideous Loon

19-10-2005, 19:38

Plus then Tzeentch would be Mr. T :P

Tzeentch, on the subject of the Everchosen being owned: "Pity the fool!"

Nice story, all the way.

blurred

20-10-2005, 12:24

If you want a little constructive critism though; try not to agknowledge the jokes that are made. What I mean is, don't extend a joke farther than it needs to be, after Tzeentch sends Khorne off chasing the wolf rider, you don't need the "your trick never fails T", I feel as though it softens the humor a bit. Its funny because of the non-chalent quality of their immense powers.

Constructive criticism is always welcome. I know exactly what you mean and I'll try to keep the third part a bit more 'rugged'.

we'll all love you forever (in a manly, non squidgey way of course...)
please?

i want more!

Yay. All you need is love. Oh...did I say third part? Guess it's a promise then. I must warn you though. The first two were products of a strange impulse of inspiration (and storm of chaos was a great source of funny stuff) so this third one is probably a bit more pushed.

P.S. Edited the first two a bit. Should be easier to read.

Bloodthirster90

20-10-2005, 14:55

more! more! I like it. I thought it would be a little something like the "Traitors" thing. but it wasn't. anyone wanna see the traitors thin, then e-mail me on marneus90[at]gmail.com. now, i shall stop hijacking things and shut up

blurred

15-08-2006, 15:45

Krhm. Ok. The third part is finished. *Dodges flying objects* I sort of forgot this whole thing. Sorry. But the good news is that its ready. Not as good as the first two IMO, but try to enjoy. :)

Part3
(Slaanesh and Nurgle are standing in front of a huge multi-hued gate)
Nurgle: Hmm...this must be it. 999 Chaos lane of eternal change.
Slaanesh: Well, you better be sure. Remember the time we tried to find Malal's dump and the door was opened by that horned rat thingy. Man...that was creepy.
Nurgle: I dunno. I thought he was quite charming actually.
Slaanesh: Charming?! He had a closet full of eyes. EYES for chaos sake. Just like mr.T, though his eyes are golden. I never understood that either.
Nurgle: Well what about your casket full of those strange pendants?
Slaanesh: They're quite harmless.
Nurgle: Suuuure. And it's just a coincidence that your 'secret' warehouse is full of blades of blood.
Slaanesh: Oh shut up and push the doorbell.
(Nurgle pushes a small button beside the gate. Suddenly they are both teleported into a big room.)
Nurgle and Slaanesh: Cool!
Tzeentch: Hello gentlemen and welcome to my palace.
Slaanesh: Thanks mr.T. Oh...I love what you've done with the place.
Nurgle: Nah...a bit too posh for me. Hey. Where's Khorne?
Tzeentch: Well...we're having a special quest tonight so I thought it would be better to leave K out of this.
(Slaanesh looks at Tzeentch with shiny eyes)
Tzeentch: Yes. You guessed it. Mister Sigmar is going to pay a visit.
Nurgle: You got to be joking. That over-arrogant demigod.
Slaanesh: Skip it bile-butt. This is Mr.T's place and he invites who he likes.
Nurgle: Yeah. And you'll drool all over his floor.
Tzeentch: Gentlemen please. No fighting tonight. That's the very reason I didn't invite Mister Khorne. He gets the 'charge-fever' everytime he sees Sigmar.
(A screamer nearby makes a 'ding-dong' noise)
Tzeentch: Ah...here he is.
(Slaanesh rushes to the bathroom, Sigmar materializes)
Sigmar: Woow...you chaos dudes sure know how to live.
Tzeentch: Welcome welcome.
Nurgle: *Hrmpf* Yes...hello.
Tzeentch: Take a seat Siggie.
(They all sit down)
Tzeentch: So...how's the marine business nowadays? I know I know. You can't openly admit that you're dealing with us in the future too, but what the heck. We're all friends here right?
Sigmar: Yeah. A guess. Things are going the usual way. Appear in that guy's dream there, open warpgate here, try to keep your butt from numbing by sheer willpower. That golden throne is sooo uncomfortable.
Nurgle: I know exactly what you're talking about. And don't get me started on warp gates. Ever tried opening one while taking a crap. It's a real pain in the ass and I DO mean literally.
(Awkward silence)
Nurgle: Ah...you've...never...
(Tzeentch pretends to be lost in his thoughts, Sigmar stares at the floor and whistles 'Imperial march', Slaanesh enters)
Slaanesh: Hellooo
Sigmar: Ahh...mister...uh...miss...umm...hello S.
Slaanesh: Aww. You're always so polite.
(Nurgle rolls his eyes)
Sigmar: Well I must be going.
Slaanesh: WHAT!? I just came in.
Sigmar: Exactly. (Nurgle laughs) See ya.
(Tzeentch snaps his fingers and Sigmar dematerializes).
Nurgle: Ahh. He ain't so bad after all. Sorry 'miss' Slaanesh. A guess he likes his women without balls.
(Slaanesh jumps on Nurgle, Nurgle runs away, Tzeentch rolls his eyes and thus the harmony of chaos is guaranteed)

inq.serge

15-08-2006, 17:34

Why can't khorne yell:

"blood for me, skulls for my throne!", it makes more sence, but anyway, quite funny. :D

Terminatorphoenix

15-08-2006, 20:47

ille give you yuor own throne on chaos lane if you do a 40k one

Flame of Udun

16-08-2006, 00:49

Why can't khorne yell:

"blood for me, skulls for my throne!", it makes more sence, but anyway, quite funny. :D
I think its because he's trying to convey the idea that Khorne is a touch on the mentally challenged side, kinda like Grimlock in Transformers. ;)

Great stuf though man, had me creased up :D

Shaper Shakra

16-08-2006, 07:15

HA! Love the homo-erotic tension between Nurgle and Slaneesh. Great stuff. Keep up the awsome work. MORE!

tzeentchgiant

16-08-2006, 12:00

Great stuff, I have the original stored on my computer when you first wrote it :).

Keep then coming :).

TG

slaaneshes_own

16-08-2006, 16:35

You sir, are a bad bad man!

Exceptionally funny, but soooo bad!!!

Joe

biggreengribbly

16-08-2006, 18:04

I think its because he's trying to convey the idea that Khorne is a touch on the mentally challenged side, kinda like Grimlock in Transformers. ;)