Posted on 01 November 2013

NEW YORK – Employees at Fox News are said to be thrilled at new figures showing record numbers of people are still failing to sign up for Obamacare.

The news network has gleefully reporting the failures of the healthcare.gov website which is leaving millions confused and still without adequate health care coverage.

The roll out has been such a positive experience for conservative pundits that Fox News hosts now admit that Barack Obama was born in America.

‘We’re still pinching ourselves’

A month into President Obama’s signature act of legislation, millions of Americans are still unable to sign up online due to system crashes and confusing message.

The mood inside Fox News has been described as “ecstatic” as the problematic launch of the affordable care act ensured the dream of poor people going without health care was kept alive.

The only negative came when a fight broke out between Fox News’ Neil Cavuto and Bret Baier over who would be the first to break the latest news of millions more people left uninsured by the systematic failure of the health care website to perform the one thing it was designed to do.

“I’m not the only one who thought this website was going to be bad news for us,” admitted The Kelly File host and part-time Elisabeth Hasselbeck stunt double Megyn Kelly.

Kelly even confessed that her colleagues visited the website just to see the website crash when trying to sign up for health care, adding: “logging in to see that 404 error is becoming a ritual around here.”

Wonderful news

Speaking from the backstage area, anchor Gretchen Carlson said: “I’m just getting ready to report that even more people tried and failed to get health care since this morning.”

“It’s a really great day to be alive,” she beamed before breaking out into a high-pitched cackle for the next 13 and a half minutes.

The issues surrounding health care have lead to changing attitudes towards the administration with Fox and Friends’ Steve Doocy telling co-host Brian Kilmeade that he was now excited to see the president implement comprehensive immigration reform “as soon as humanly possible”.

“If it’s anything like health care there won’t be a single Mexican in the country with 18 months,” predicted Doocy who later admitted he’s had a full erection ever since he heard about the latest failure of the healthcare.gov website.

Host Sean Hannity expertly summarised the mood in at Fox News by saying: “As a conservative pundit, I could only dream of days like this.”

“This botched roll out of health care is leaving people more confused and misinformed than my show ever could.”

Posted on 23 November 2012

WASHINGTON DC – Leading Republican figures have slammed Barack Obama’s handling of the annual Thanksgiving turkey pardon and called for a tougher stance on wild game.

In what is being labelled as further evidence of a “secular, Islamist, pro-turkey agenda”, the President gave pardons to two 40-pound turkeys, Cobbler and Gobbler, without full knowledge of their crimes.

According to many in the party, the leniency shown to each turkey “almost certainly” puts them closer to gaining a nuclear weapon.

Failed policies

Party thought leaders said both birds should have been tried before a jury of their peers, letting the system decide if they should have they records expunged and agreed it was on the President’s head if these turkeys went on to obtain weapons of mass destruction.

“This is an outrage!” Blasted radio host Rush Limbaugh. “Barack Hussein Obama has now pardoned eight turkeys during his time in the White House. Each one a missed meal.”

Michele Bachmann called move “naive” as the turkey now had a free rein to commit further atrocities.

“I think it’s sad that we don’t have a president that is able to stand up to the pro-turkey lobby and continues to let guilty birds plan God knows what in our country.”

In addition to sharpening his criticism of Obama on poultry policy, Ryan also took aim at the administration for sending mixed signals – pardoning two turkeys before siting down to his own Thanksgiving meal later that day.

“Look across the President’s table today and what do we see?” Ryan asked the assembled audience. “Cranberry sauce, yams, stuffing, gravy, oh and what’s this? Turkey.”

Former GOP presidential candidate Rick Perry called turkeys one of the three most despicable birds out there. “You got pigeons, turkeys and…ah geez, opps. I forgot, but the point is that Obama might be a Muslim.”

Unanswered questions

With no official explanation from the Obama administration, Conservative pundits continue to question what the White House is hiding from the public.

Posted on 12 November 2012

WASHINGTON DC – After Barack Obama’s re-election, a physical manifestation of Rush Limbaugh’s blind rage is being tipped to become GOP candidate for president in 2016.

The dark, deep, lighting filled cloud has already emerged as an early frontrunner for Republicans as the party looks to reinvent itself following a disappointing loss to the president and reason for the cloud’s existence.

Rush Limbaugh’s rage cloud has already tested through the roof with conservative voters, beating out prominent candidates including Jeb Bush and a shrink wrapped copy of Atlas Shrugged.

New party hope

A newcomer to the political arena, the turbulent rage cloud burst onto the scene only seconds after President Obama’s re-election and has continued growing its support and overall surface area.

“There’s no doubt that this thing is the rising star of the new conservative movement,” said Fox News analyst Karl Rove.

With a view on the 2016 presidential race, conservative pundits are left to debate why the ominous hate filled cloud was so popular.

“It’s the only candidate that is really speaking to the core Republican base in any meaningful way,” suggested conservative commentator Dick Morris.

“The rage cloud has come out of nowhere but the party is really connecting with its message of unsubstantiated fear and institutional racism.”

Indeed, disappointed conservative voters have indicated they would likely back a bid for the White House if the rage cloud decided to run.

Mr Evans, who now lives in an underground panic bunker for fear of a second Obama term says a 2016 bid by the anger filled cloud could persuade him and his family to consider living above ground again.

Measured response

However, some early optimism has been tempered as the rage cloud has yet to announced its plans for the 2016 race. And while Rove admitted “it hasn’t laid out a coherent policy,” he also noted “that never stopped Mitt from running.”

Karl Rove remained adamant the hate fueled cloud was delaying as it worked out a deal to make a similar sized semi-solid cloud of Republican misogynistic sentiment its vice presidential pick for a devastating ticket in 2016.

Rush Limbaugh’s rage cloud avoided the topic when interviewed however, instead emitting a succession of lighting bursts along with belligerent and barely intelligible ramblings about Mexicans, guns and “THOSE DAMN GAYS”.

Posted on 08 November 2012

WASHINGTON – The validity of the 2012 presidential election has been questioned by Republicans, accusing Democrats of voter intimidation by adding a black man to the ballot.

The Federal Election Commission has been inundated with complaints from conservative voters identifying a “scary black man” as showing up on several voter forms, leaving people feeling intimidated while casting their vote.

Posted on 12 September 2012

NEW YORK – Barack Obama has warned the American people to stay vigilant, reminding the nation that although Osama Bin Laden may be dead “Charlie Sheen is still out there.”

Speaking at a ceremony marking the 11th anniversary of terror attacks on the country, President Obama made clear the threat that still existed.

“Last year we launched a successful operation to remove the head of the world’s most dangerous terrorist organisations. But we are not safe. Charlie Sheen has a new show.”

This stark warning follows confirmed intelligence reports that the Hollywood actor is preparing to release another sitcom targeted at millions of Americans with cable.

New threat

With Anger Management picked up for 90 episodes, the president admitted the continuation of Charlie Sheen’s career has been one of his biggest failings during his first term in office.

In a poignant moment, relatives read aloud the names of those who have said they would “check out” the new show and held a minute silence for those lost to good television.

President Obama flexed his domestic security policy credentials and announced he would work tirelessly to see Charlie Sheen off screens “once and for all.”

“Somehow Charlie escaped his own self-destruction. We don’t know if he had help from al-Qaeda or what,” said the president who outlined the scale of the threat posed by Sheen’s generic base humor and overacting.

“We accomplished much in almost four years,” began Obama. “We reformed healthcare. Meaning little Susie can get the treatment she needs regardless of pre-existing conditions.”

“Thanks to the bailout of the auto industry General Motors are open for business and Mom and dad can ride little Timmy to school proud to know that car was built right here. In these United States.”

“But what about little Eric? He’s still forced to watch this maniac play the exact same character no matter what show it is and that’s just not good enough.”

‘We have options’

Obama went on to pledge to rid TV of the lowest form of pre-scripted, mindless, manufactured mental corrosion next to Fox News.

He offered a positive note however, saying the U.S. has emerged “even stronger” following nine seasons of punchlines you can see coming a mile away.

He declared to a rapturous audience: “Why, just yesterday I watched Breaking Bad just and let me tell you America. The state of our TV is strong.”

Posted on 28 August 2012

FLORIDA – Locals are being told to “prepare for the worst” on the back of news the Republican National Convention taking place in Florida is continuing to gather speed.

The large gathering of conservatives is thought to hit the state which is already experiencing the first effects: a reduction in racial diversity and a warm front of hostility towards Mexicans.

Officials have issued multiple warnings in what could be the highest outpouring of hot air to sweep across Tampa since the ill-fated Zeppelin disaster of 1908.

Advance warning

The first day has been quiet but experts are expecting the situation to take a turn for the worst once Mitt Romney is formally nominated as presidential candidate.

Residents in the path of the Republican gathering have been told they should not “tempt fate” and evacuate the area “unless you’re a white male under the age of 65”.

The function is currently classed as a category two convention, but could be upgraded to a category four when vice presidential pick Paul Ryan outlines his plans for the national budget on Wednesday.

Damage from the convention could be severe enough to send the surrounding backwards 400 years.

“Right now we’ve only heard the usual talk about tax cuts for the wealthiest one percent of Americans,” said meteorologist Mitch Connell.

“But when this area of debate moves into cutting welfare and immigration policy, that’s when we’ll see the full force of the convention bear down on Tampa.”

“It’s not going to be pretty,” he warned before urging poor people, ethnic minority and women considering travelling to the area to cancel their plans “for their own safety”.

Safety first

In preparation for an increase in rhetoric, residents have begun boarding windows, taping down contraception and laying down sandbags in efforts to keep out the torrent of mindless Fox News coverage.

“My team are monitoring for an upswing in seventeenth century ideology,” confirmed Mr Connell. “There is millions worth of equipment set to raise the alarm if it detects 10 or more instances of the phrases ‘Regan’, ‘small government’ and ‘Obamacare in a five minute period.”

Posted on 30 March 2012

ORLANDO – Following the fatal shooting of an innocent black teenager, police in Florida have compiled a list of clothing considered acceptable for young black men to be seen wearing around white people.

The two page document provides young African-Americans with a list of clothes considered acceptable to be seen wearing should they wish to avoid being gunned down by neighbourhood watch volunteers.

Dubbed the “Fashion Whitelist”, the scheme has been initiated in reaction to the shooting of Trayvon Martin while sporting what is now known to be the faux pas combination of hooded sweatshirt and dark face.

Clarification

The author of the document, Florida police chief Bill Lee, compiled the list shortly after temporarily stepping down from his position.

Mr Lee said the incident was “one tragedy too many and the department needed to take necessary steps to let all black people know what to wear when in white neighbourhoods.”

He also made clear that wearing clothing not on the approved list “would leave African-American men with no legal recourse should they be subsequently be hunted down like Bugs Bunny during wabbit season.”

According to high-ranking police officials, the shooting of Treyvon Martin could have been avoided had the 17-year-old known that hoodies were not on the list which has been approved by over 90% of gun carrying Caucasians.

Weighing in on the debate, Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi suggested that if black people could not avoid wearing a hoodie, “they should take extra precautions by make sure they were accompanied by a white person.”

A spokesman for the Attorney General’s office said it was no understatement to suggest lives will be saved with this information.

Better late than never

Although the list has existed for several years, this is the first time it has been officially documented and published outside of the country club.

“We hope that with the publication of this information, African-Americans will now understand that there are just some fashion items you can wear and expect not to get shot,” said Mr Lee.

One of the list’s backers, Geraldo Rivera, called the information necessary for the preservation of young African-Americans. In the view of the Fox News Reporter: “If I see a black kid in a hoodie, I have to assume that he is up to no good.”

“Just like when people see me in a suit and tie on TV they have to assume I’m a legitimate reporter.”

Posted on 04 January 2012

AIMES – In a late twist in the race for GOP nominee, a framed image of Ronald Reagan has jumped to the top of the polls, hours before the crucial Iowa caucus.

The 8.5×11” framed image of the former president has enjoyed an unexpected surge in polling numbers ahead of the first round of voting.

Political analysts say the painting ticked all the right boxes for a candidate in that it resembled the 40th United States president, was taken in front of an American flag, and was printed at a resolution of 300dpi.

Posted on 27 July 2011

ENGLAND – James Murdoch has been commended by senior executives at News Corp for upholding the company tradition of sticking to a pre-established narrative of events despite the presence of facts.

The chairman of News International was questioned during a parliamentary hearing in relation to the phone hacking scandal and was praised for expertly circumnavigating questions seeking to determine whether he was aware of the practise – He was praised this steadfast adherence to ignoring the bits of the truth that would implicate him.