Leaving your house early in the morning to start your day is always interrupted by the long wait in the lift lobby, we all have this sense of entitlement to this common area devise, and one will always wonder who the hell is holding up MY elevator and you start praying that it won’t make any stops while it descents to your majestic floor, because you are dying to give that weasel the evil eye for holding up YOUR elevator. I actually ran up the stairs 4 floors to scream at someone, once I saw the family loading their kid’s wheelchair I didn't know what to do, and there I was out of breath staring at them, and in dire need for CPR.

Remember this, every time that elevator door opens, it’s always a new surprise waiting for you in that little chamber, it is Kinder egg for adults, I find the elevator trip to be the most awkward moment of all modern day encounters.

One morning, in the early hours of the day, the elevator door opens and I stroll in casually playing with my phone without paying attention to the occupants of MY elevator, as I did thousands of times before {one should pause and rethink about how we judged those fools who fell in the elevator pit without noticing, yes it could happen to you}, so I walked in and there was this guy with a Rottweiler and a Pit bull, these dogs had bulging muscles with a decorative thin leash, the width of this leash in centimeters was higher than the owner’s IQ. A fuse in my brain went off, this was so life threatening I felt my knees go weak, my mouth went dry, my heart refused to beat, it was so scared to make a noise stirring the monsters, and I can hear the creatures of death brawling, and they were both staring at me, I wanted to break eye contact with them but I lost control of my body functions, and this zoo keeper had the audacity to ask me which floor I wanted, “ground or basement?” he asked ever so casually, he should have asked: “shredded to pieces or choked to death by JAWS” I figured this must one of their names.

Now in hindsight, I should have pushed any floor in-between and got the hell out this mediaeval torture chamber, but as I mentioned earlier, brain and body communication was lost. This was the longest elevator journey ever recorded, it felt like staircase to heaven, or to hell, to better suit this situation, the doors finally open and the situation was defused as these animals from Odysseus mythical story ran out to the park to chew on some poor babies for breakfast.

After this incident I decided to take it upon myself to save others, and as an active protector of my society, I decided to write the Code of Conduct for elevator use, laying down the foundations for future users and forbidding those who threaten our way of life by their selfish acts, here are 21 users who are NOT allowed to use the elevator, along with their punishments that are suitable for such offensive acts, please note that these punishments are better executed as a group, where the group of the elevator occupants act as one:

1-Animal owners: It is absolutely unacceptable to own such creatures of death in apartment buildings, and using common area facilities is even more outrageous, I know that some animal lovers out there will argue that these animals need to use the elevator for transportation, this statement is as ridiculous as using the pool to clean an iguana or even worse, a snake, some freaks own such pets. A Chameleon would love to use the sauna, its hot and dry.

Punishment: the owners of such animals will be forced to eat the cooked flesh of their pets. Gruesome but fair. (I dirtied my pants that morning, and now I cannot look my dry cleaner in the eyes anymore)

2-Conversing Buddies: These dirt-bags who casually wander into the elevator as if they are walking into their own private jet, they have the most distorted sense of entitlement, and they are disturbingly confident about the topic at hand, reflecting their irritation from the presence of other people.

Punishment: occupants should shout out “shut the f_ _ _ up”, and push each of the offenders to a separate corner of the lift facing the wall with their pants down, a photo must be taken and shared on the building notice board for future blackmail. 3-Talking on the phone: What is more ludicrous than the offensive act itself, is the fact that every single one of these douchebags starts screaming into the phone for not having good reception, and shouts out : “ hello, hello helloooo ” and puffs in frustration.

Punishment: occupants have the right to snap the phone from his hand, curse at the person on the other side of the line, hanging up is optional, throw the phone on the floor breaking it and stepping on it while looking at the offender in the eyes.

4-People who live on the 2nd and 1st floor: These lazy bastards should not be able to use the elevator full stop. and if there is any justice in this this world they should be eaten by JAWS the pit bull. The only exception is for those who are: A-Pregnant B-Old c- Disabled (I still feel horrible for running up the stairs)

Punishment: once the door opens at these floors, the occupants have the right to push and kick the offenders out, not allowing them to enter into the elevator, the more occupants the better.

5-Adult men with school backpacks: These teenagers in suits are ruining the whole corporate look, and to add insult to injury, they keep the bag on their backs with both straps on both shoulders pushing and shoving everyone behind them. Punishment: occupants have the right confiscate the bag, empty its items on the floor, and cut the offender’s tie with scissors in half to publicly humiliate him and to make him recognized as an elevator offender. So next time you see someone with half a tie, scream at him: “who took your lunch box looser?”

6-Body Oder: We have five senses to detect the world around us, and when one is faced with a foul act, one can always close his eyes, put his hand on his ears, and of course you can choose not taste is or touch it, but the sense of smell does not have that luxury, because once the obscene offense is detected its already too late. thus, I must hand-down the maximum punishment for those who invade and pollute our nostrils, if you think about it, it is exactly like trespassing or breaking and entering, your nose is your property and his Oder is the intruding disgusting particles leaving his nasty body and trespassing into your private openings, on another note, putting it like that, I think it could be bumped up to be classified as attempted rape, if we get Denny Crane on it.

Punishment: occupants have the right to place a used diaper on this man’s face and duct tape it all around.

7-Ill-behaved children: Especially those who cannot resist pushing the buttons, if your kid is learning the numbers please make sure he does not practice on these buttons. No, it not cute, and No, we will not excuse you.

Punishment: just like sex offenders, any parent who has such children must report his/her child to all the neighbors in the building, these juvenile lift offenders will have their photos placed on the building notice board. 8-Swimmers: If you were at the pool and you are not wearing proper elevator attire and still wet and barefoot you are not allowed to use the lift, even if you are a hot girl in a bikini. This behavior will ONLY encourage the fat and the disgusting, so it’s never a hot girl in a bikini, therefore, everyone is banned. Punishment: occupants have the right to create a fake Facebook account, and after weeks of manipulation, lure the offender to fall in love and send naked photos of himself, then brutally break his heart, and then use these photos to blackmail him to leave the building, and after he leaves, you have the right to share it with his new building occupants to ensure that he will never live in another building ever again.

Extra credit: if he were disturbingly fat and ugly, and witnessing children still have nightmares from that encounter, I would also recommend sending the photos to his employer and his family as well, pushing him to commit suicide and meet his maker, as I am pretty sure his maker will say “I didn't make this!”.

9-Joggers: we encourage a healthy lifestyle, but we do not wish to breath the vapor of your sweat, thus, if you are out of breath and still sweaty, give yourself another 20 minutes before you ride with us. Your heart rate must be below 100.

Punishment: occupants have the right to share some of their bodily natural fluids as well, spitting a few times on the offender should do, but if he were extremely sweaty urinating on this offender is more up to par with his offense.10-Bicycle owners: If you buy a bicycle, you either move to a villa, or tie it downstairs, do not attempt to squeeze us all in the elevator for your selfish phobias, no one will steal your bike, and do not attempt being creative of how to place the bicycle in the elevator, upside down, on one wheel, side ways, none of this contortion crap will make the elevator roomier.

Punishment: occupants have the right to slash his tires and rip his break wires, and take off the seat and make him sit on the pipe for the entire journey; a documenting photo is highly appreciated.11-Chatters: Everyone is allowed a maximum of 2 sentences with ONE other occupant during the entire journey, and they must be of rhetorical nature, “good morning” or “good day”, and if the lift is crowded, no talking is allowed at all, only instructions for the movement and flow of the lift, ex: “excuse me this my floor” or “can you push 3 please.”

Punishment: occupants have the right to slap this over-friendly chatty offender on the mouth and gently curse his mother, and calling him names to psychologically wound and break his confidence discouraging him from ever speaking to strangers in the future.

12-Blockers: People who block the way in or out of the lift, these offenders will be given 2 warnings for the entire period of residence.

Punishment: occupants have the right to kick the offender in the crutch as hard as possible to ensure future reproductive deficiencies, since such selfish people should not reproduce and gift our society with more selfish offspring.

13-Smokers If you are a filthy smoker, we have already kicked you outside to smoke and kill yourself and that’s your choice, let Darwinism take its course, but you need to allow at least ten minutes before riding with us. you must chew a gum, and spray some soft scented Oder, emphasis on SOFT, and you are not allowed to huff and puff during the entire journey.

Punishment: Occupants have the right to expel the offender 3 blocks away from the building for his next cigarette break.

14-Delivery Men Haters: Some villains who walk amongst us treat delivery men as second class citizens, cracking jokes, complaining about their frequents stops and talking down to them, in some cases they have the nerve to forbid them from coming in when the lift is a bit crowded shouting out : “take the next one buddy”. This is utterly prohibited, as they are the honorary frequent users of the elevators.Punishment: occupants have the right to wrap the bag of whatever is being delivered around the offender’s head until he passes out, strip him naked and give him an atomic wedgie (his underwear pulled above his head) throw him in the lobby to wake up on his own and post his photo on the building notice board.

15-Movers: If you are moving any item in to out of your apartment/office, rely back to this rule of thumb: the item or the box should not exceed 1/5 of the floor area of the lift; anything bigger than that, you must use the service elevator.

Punishment: the occupants have two options: 1- if you see anything you like, you have the right to confiscate half of what is being moved or 2- if you do not see anything to your liking break the entire thing into pieces.

16-Conservative couples: No one will rape your wife or even touch her, this is not your honeymoon sweet you sex freak, don't act as if your privacy is invaded, and the most annoying part is when the lady hides behind her man as if he is Batman.

Punishment: the occupants have the right to make sexual noises while looking at the wife.

17-Unfriendly bitches: Yes, there is a sect of woman who are classified as bitches, and they must be identified within our society, and in some severe cases they must be placed under quarantine. She walks into the elevator with the attitude that everybody wants a piece of her, and god forbid if the lift is full and someone touches her, hell breaks loose as if the occupants were trying to gang rape her. Punishment: occupants have the full right to molest this bitch, so she can have a real reason to bitch about.

18-British Brunch-ers: Something about Dubai’s Friday Brunch is driving the British population deeper into alcoholism and chaos, these bloody Brits cannot get enough of these All-you-can-drink All-you-can-eat brunches, by the time its 6pm on Friday, these brunchers roam Dubai like hysterical drunk hooligans, once at that stage they are not allowed to use the elevators.

Punishment: the occupants have the right to induce the offender to vomit and force him to regurgitate everything he vomited.

{A quick thought, now we know how to overtake the UK, create a chain of all you eat and drink franchise in the UK and watch them self-destruct.}

19-PDA: Public display of affection of any kind is absolutely forbidden, not even holding hands, or caressing hair, it is the most uncomfortable act one can witness in such small area. And trust me it’s never Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, it’s always Danny DeVito and Whoopi Goldberg.

Punishment: the occupants have the right to make sexual advances on any of the offenders according to the occupant’s sexual orientation. Note: act gay for spite.

20-Space Invaders: No, not aliens, trust me aliens will have more etiquette than these animals we live with. This is about physical proximity; the proximity of the elevator mimics that of the urinals code. Choose the furthest corner away from the occupant, and as the lift gets more occupied apply the half area between two occupants rule. But there are some retards that come and stand right next to you, or even worse, right behind you.

Punishment: occupants have the right to push the violators around from corner to corner like primary school bullies.21-Mouth Breathers: If you cannot breathe through the nose, please wear a mask, a diving mask, a fire fighting mask if needed, especially if the elevator is full, under no circumstances are you allowed to breathe on other occupants’ necks or faces.

Punishment: Any occupant, who witnesses such an act, has the complete authority and holds the responsibility to smack the offender on the back of the head without any prior notice, use of excessive force is strongly recommended to knock the offender out from the first trial, repeat until unconsciousness is achieved.

---I preach because no one cares--- ---where are the Platos and Voltaires?---