What Is Polyamory Really All About?

My position on polyamory has always been pro-choice rather than anti-monogamy, but after thirty years as a participant-observer in this strange new world it's more the case than ever that I really have no position on whether people should be monogamous or not. The truth is that it's extremely rare to find anyone who has only one sexual partner for their entire life. In fact, it's unusual to find anyone who has only one "significant other" throughout their life. So the question is not so much whether to love more than one, but whether it works better to have multiple partners sequentially or at the same time. There are definitely some people who are far better off taking it one at a time, and there are some situations which call out for other possibilities. I'm continually amazed both by the ingenuity, courage, and vulnerability of people who have made their own bodies and hearts the center for an inquiry into the true nature of love and by the persistent self-deception, lack of integrity, and callousness others justify by calling what they are doing polyamory.

While many people define polyamory as the practice of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with everyone's full knowledge and consent, I see it differently. To me polyamory is a philosophy of loving that asks us to surrender to love. Polyamory leads us to ask, "What is the most loving and authentic way I can be present with these people and with myself at this time?"

The answer to this question may not always be obvious, and it may change over time, but the asking of it, and the willingness to consider answers we may not want to hear, is the whole point of polyamory. Most of us would rather surrender to our cultural conditioning, to our emotional discomfort, peer pressure, social censure, lust, convenience, or a partner's demands than to the unvarnished truth about what would contribute the most to the well being of everyone involved.

In my forthcoming book, Polyamory in the 21st Century (Rowman & Littlefield, June 2010) I give many examples of people who give different reasons for why they are choosing polyamory. They are surprisingly varied and range from a desire for personal or spiritual growth, an effort to overcome childhood wounds, coping with personality issues, stabilizing or spicing up a relationship, religious or political beliefs, sexual variety, sexual addiction, or simply falling in love. Many of these same reasons are given by other people to explain why they are choosing monogamy. Perhaps, we only come up with these reasons afterwards to explain the behaviors we notice ourselves engaging in. One thing is certain. Love is a force of nature, and sooner or later, nature will have her way with us. Fighting, rather than surrendering to love, is ultimately a losing battle.

I like what you write.
No discrimination, no judgment.
I also think that without conditionement we can be allowed in ours natural which is finally the one of account, that for love simply, completely. Polygamists, monogames, either words,
or separately, or approximately are the magic words of the love is pure as the crystal. As you it know how to write, to put yourselves words admirably straight ahead in the place of the disorders.....
Thank you for what you write

Just finding people who are prepared to be honest in every moment of every experience every day, consistently, is hard enough without introducing sexual intimacy... I've had many partners in my life. I've always always said "tell me the truth! I can handle the truth!" what kills my love are lies and deceit... as yet i haven't met a man who is capable of being totally honest and i believe it is born of fear of loss, rejection, pain etc... i haven't given up hope that it's possible to have a deeply loving honest relationship but when i look around me when i'm out anywhere or hanging out with friends i see most men are very afraid of my openness and strength... Are there any true Warriors of the Heart still alive? lol...
...and more importantly i do believe that polyamory is the source of creating unconditional love to heal our own fears and wounds which then hopefully will ripple out to everyone we come in contact with and our magnificent Mother Earth, Gaia...
I've been told i'm too much of an idealist... I've even been told i ought to be locked up for my trust in the Universe! Yay...
Look forward to chatting...
Mwa Gaia x

One thing to keep in mind when confronted with a partner who has difficulty being honest is that in order to speak your truth, you have to know your truth. After a lifetime of practice in suppressing feelings, needs, and desires, it can be a major challenge to get back in touch with oneself!

This is definitely true. In examining my own feelings, in order to put them into words I had to make up stories at first for the reasons why i was having these feelings, In maturing I began to understand that words would only ever be an approximation of what I felt. I find that it is better to reveal your feelings first, then tell your loved ones what you think it might mean. With more experience I'm sure I will get better at describing and interpreting myself, but I am definitely doing my best at being honest, but opening the self up is often the hardest piece of the puzzle.

If your love ends or is killed by lies... then maybe it is helpful to learn how to love lies in order to keep on loving love itself. I know it sounds ridiculous, but in my experience this is possible!

If I really love love for itself, then I can love every other "object" easily - just because it is "included". Maybe I can not have or save a relationship with another person, but I can keep on loving her/him and myself with all "our limitations".

It is very practical - if you are a true "warrior of love" - or as I would call it - if you are a lover and not a fighter!
;-)

Do you really think we apcan handle truth? I am screwed... Separated and starting a new relatioship in dep love. But I cannot break up with my past wife. Duno what to do. Trapped between two powerful godesses.... Gaia I like your trust in the universe...tel me something julian@randle.com

At first, nearly 20 years ago, my partner and I - 2 bi men - decided we wanted to find a woman for a third life partner. In many ways, to put it a bit simplistically, we felt it would complete us, rounding out our desire to live both worlds, gay and straight. We dated various women together over a couple of years before we found the woman who is still with us, and after taking 15 years to be sure about ourselves as a family, we added a child. We have had satellite relationships with others of various lengths over the years, including one which has lasted so long now we consider them a part of our extended family.

As you suggest, the reasons for our faith in our polyamory have evolved over the years. In many ways, nearly all the reasons you cite – spiritual growth, overcoming childhood wounds, spicing up our lives, falling in love, political beliefs, everything except sexual addiction – resonate for us. For me, I think the most important reason is being true to ourselves, and by extension to each other.

That doesn’t mean we have all that exciting a sexual life – domesticity isn’t always pretty, as they say. And knowing we are free to love others is easily tempered by the knowledge of how much care and feeding any additional loves we might take on would require.

But we don’t even believe that sex is necessary between all parties to define a polyamorous family, frankly. That is one issue we rarely see discussed when polyamory is debated. Sex is exceptionally intimate physically, but not always spiritually or even emotionally. Placing it at the center, a sine qua non of what defines the deepest of bonds between people, is connected to most of the problems we feel our version of polyamory cures.

I have been on my own trying to find a soulmate for 8 years. When I find him I will give to him a priceless gift... My love... My heart.... & interity. I could not concieve or cope with this concept as sharing my body & all that encompasses is a consuming practice with out involving & inviting other complex emotions & situations.
I take my hat of to you if you can do it & survive intact....

Thank you for not damning polyamory as well. It is definitely a choice that makes sense only for some people, and not all.

My husband and I have been married in a straight relationship for almost 8 years. We started exploring open marriage 5 years ago, and just recently, it has opened up to polyamory--unintentionally. From the article, my reason was only 1: I just fell in love again, with another man, while FULLY being in love w/ my husband.

My husband and I always have had the world view that there's no such thing as "The One."; that there are many "the one's" and you choose to commit to one to grow and evolve with. Distinct from settling for anyone, this is about multiple true SOUL MATES among 7 billion people. So we've always encouraged flirting, expressing ourselves sexually if there is chemistry (making out with others every couple times a year) and it stimulated the other partner sexually to hear about these fun flings.

But poly? Whole different animal. It takes a tremendous amount of love, trust, communication and abundance mentality to have it work for all parties, in a society where you are in the minority of thinking. I am still wrapping my arms around it, and all I can see is that while all 3 of us don't really know what we're doing; we just keep going despite the huge risk and uncertainty b/c it has each of us feel more happy and alive. As my husband eloquently put "even when I'm miserable, I'm more alive." And we feel more powerful and in tune with what's true in expressing who we are...Even in this roller coaster ride of last month, it has been a privilege to watch my hubby grown into his own sexual power like never before from my new boyfriend.

Anapol continues to pay lip-service to the idea that polyamory and monogamy are equally valid choices, and then piles on the woo-woo New Age poetry about polyamory being an enlightened philosophy.

Polyamory is a PRACTICE, and it may or may not be an ORIENTATION. The daily work of polyamory does not involve philosophical "surrender" but commitment, discipline, planning, and compromise -- hey, just like monogamy!

For me, the essence of polyamory is a shift from either/or, black/white polarized thinking to the realization that both/and, embracing both sides of the coin, is a possibility.

Any two opposites are ways of dividing us from each other, and from reality. I prefer not to be mired in dualistic thinking any more than I can help it.

So yes, philosopy, practice, orientation - why not all of them? surrendering to love certainly can entail follow through which shows up as commitment, planning, and compromise. I'm not really into BDSM, but if you want to include that for yourself, fine :-)

Maria Chiarolli Palloti, the brilliant Australian academician, has taken this a step farther by expanding the concept of polamory, as well as sexual orientation to all/none ...

Nicely put and free of conceit, Hot Tramp. Some people who are out of the mainstream [as I am a bit] congratulate themselves on being different as if their difference - poly, LGBT, etc. - made them better or wiser. That is being judgmental even as these people claim to be openminded.

Many people are simply bad at relationships, however poly does do one thing, it provides a catalyst which can force you to address things, by making things more urgent you become more interactive. For someone who is enlightened this wouldn't be helpful at all, but many of us are procrastinators or not active in life, so it can force you to address things head on, that being said, there's nothing that says you can't find the same things in monogamy, but many have to find ways to interact actively.

my question to you is - how can you be commited when you are sharing yourself with more than one person and why do you call yourself HOT TRAMP if this is self respecting??
Just trying to understand this POLYAMOROUS lifestyle as I know someone who just seems to spend time juggling from one person to another and is still trying to add more to the list ??
When does it stop?? How can you keep everyone happy?? How can you call it love when you dont allow time truly get to know,grow and appreciate someone.....
Not passing judgement, just trying to understand this.

Dear Anonymous, I am, well, replying to your questions 7 years late, however I felt it was necessary to stick this question out there- why should THEIR happiness be YOUR responsibility? I feel like if you constantly live for making the other person happy, are you at all living for your own happiness as well? As someone at a considerably young age has done in the past, I've learned the only happiness you can be responsible for is your own. There are going to be things in your partner(s)' life (lives) that can affect them and may not make them happy, and taking on the responsibility to make sure they are always happy is, to be quite frank, damn near impossible unless you're willing to take on the challenge. In my opinion, though, (and from experience) it's emotionally and perhaps physically draining of your own self to take on that responsibility every day. I feel as if there's not only a need to surrender to love when embracing polyamory, but a certain amount of maturity needed to know that you can not hold yourself responsible for the other person(s) happiness, and a certain amount of maturity needed to even handle more than one committed relationship at a time.
P.S.- totally on board with the both/and not either/or philosophy :)

I've been actively polyamorous for 23 years, and yeah, it's not been a greater "surrender to love" than the monogamous marriage of my husband's and wife's parents has been (my own are divorced), nor that of my grandparents' 53 year marriage. It's just been a different way of doing committed relationships. No poetic language necessary (but it's always nice around our anniversary).

How many cultures did you study before making a comment like the one in your introduction paragraph????

Almost 90% of Indian marriages have been surviving on committed partners who married virgins and had just one partner throughout their life times. To be monogamous or no is matter of choice, strong commitment values and very firm upbringing in a secured family unit.

So far as I can tell, human nature is stronger than whatever cultural overlay it might have. I don't claim to have done a representative survey, but I did spend several months in India recently and spoke with many people about their marriages. And of course, the different religious and ethnic groups within India have different practices. I've counseled many Indians, both ex-pats and those in India about relationship and sexual issues, and have ongoing contact with psychotherapists, management consultants, and spiritual teachers in India. And I've met swingers from urban areas in India. This may come as a surprise to you, but the vast majority of people I've spoken with in India are not monogamous even though they may publically report that they are. As is true in many countries, men are generally more free in this respect than women, but Indian women are also questioning the monopoly of monogamy. In the past, upper class Indian women and royalty, as well as men, had the privilege of multiple lovers and this is remembered if only unconsciously. It's true that I may be like the physician who sees disease everywhere because healthy people generally don't visit a doctor. When people find out I'm an American expert on polamory, they are eager to confide in me or seek my help. But I can't agree with you that 90% of Indians are monogamous for life. If you'd like more detail, see the chapter on "Polyamory Cross Culturally" in my new book, Polyamory in the 21st Century.

Psychologists now have no standard other than human behavior. Whatever trends become popular are elevated to virtues. Those that struggle with the new so called virtue are "counseled" to get over it or try it or welcome it.

All of that is to say that Human Behavior is now the standard and the job of psychologists is to endorse the behavior, whatever it might be. Whatever you do, however you live, especially if it can be identified as "common" (the facts can be juggled to make it so, like suggesting those who divorce and remarry are the same as those who have multiple sex partners at the same time) becomes the new norm.

I can't speak for other psychologists, but I do have a standard. It's called "do no harm". It's true that self interest can sometimes blind us to potential harm - just look at the oil company executives who thought drilling under the ocean would do no harm. So seeking the advice of an impartial, unbiased third party may be wise when deviating from traditional standards.

There is a lengthy discussion on sexual ethics in my new book, Polyamory in the 21st Century. See www.lovewithoutlimits.com for details.

I feel it's high time that the state, the medical establishment, the religious establishment, or any other bureacracy get out of the business telling people who they can love and how they can love - and even who they can engage with sexually - so long as all parties are consenting adults and not bound by financial necessity.

I'm very happy to see your column here, Deborah. Those of us who feel comfortable in polyamorous relationships are proud of who we are and the open, honest way in which we love others.

Learning about different kinds of relationships between responsible and ethical adults is empowering for everyone, regardless of whether your choice is monogamy or polyamory. I'm pleased to see Psychology Today taking an open-minded and inquiring perspective on what is surely a timely topic, and I look forward to reading more of your blog!

I wouldn't think this is a matter of feelings, which come and go, are notoriously volatile and can be just as damning as they are good. I was always taught that we should manage feelings rather than give in to them and its my understanding that good psychology says the same.

And what does "time" have to do with it. Truth is universal and timeless. Are you suggesting that tradition is wrong because it is tradition and your understanding represents a higher (deeper) understanding than the professional and social institutions that say otherwise.

Frankly, the people who can't live monogamous life styles should be seen as genetically faulty or psychologically troubled. I could accept their "limp" much more compassionately if it wasn't treated as the next step in evolutionary development.

And saying one is proud of being poly is like the handicapped being proud of a club foot, or a blind eye or a heart murmur or you name it.

People born with physical impairments are not proud of their condition and others don't aspire to be like them. The handicapped, and the public, are proud of what they accomplish in spite of it and we fix them when we can.

BTW, "consent" is a smoke screen. Psychologists (your kind) have provided sufficient data to prove that peer pressure if often the strongest motivation when people try on divergent life styles.

Ennisp you should get a grip. Take the advice or leave it. That's what free will is all about. It's the freedom of choice that scares you. Make your own choices and I'll do the same. I guarrantee I'll have more love and joy with my choices than you will. That's what God is: love and joy. Sex is the expression of God. Heaven on earth.

Many of us did not have an opportunity while growing up to be loved unconditionally by our parents or other caregivers. We saw modeled a very conditional love which was based on an authoritarian standard we could call "shape up or ship out." This type of love has no space for sharing, at whatever levels are appropriate, with more than one partner. It also has no space for RESPECTFULLY disagreeing. Anyone who disagrees is wrong, and is a likely target for some form of violence. Please, let's express our differences here in a spirit of honoring and love.

I have to say I find this trend very troubling. Especially the part that asks me to think that it is a healthy choice or that it would be treated as such by psychologists. I'm not saying they should condemn it, but they shouldn't be so quick to validate something without knowing the impact it could have on children and the people involved long-term. I also find it troubling that some people refer to themselves as being born this way as if it is the same thing as sexual orientation. I think this is symptomatic of a culture that no longer understands true love and believes that every idea they have has to be instantly gratified.

There is a fascinating interview on CBC 1 www.cbc.ca/q about the effects of love drugs being researched. The interviewee, Brian Earp of Oxford Univ., relates the intent of the drugs to love and also to polyamory. He speaks briefly about the origins of mankind which relates to what is natural for human beings.
The interview was done last Thursday 3/14/13, so it is in the middle of the web page for now as it comes up.

I have a bad taste in my mouth when I see or hear of someone being "poly". My husband had an affair with a woman in a "poly" relationship. Her boyfriend was friends with my husband and was totally okay with her being in a relationship with him. They both knew he was married and both knew I didn't know about the relationship. When the woman in the relationship expressed interest in seeing my husband he told her no because he was married but he eventually gave in to her flirtation and her overly physical contact; she kissed him on the lips just to say "hello". Don't think for a second that my husband was not culpable here. He made vows to me and broke them. However, it takes two to tango. They both new he was married and had no moral problems with him cheating on me. They knowingly contributed to my betrayal and didn't give a damn about it. They didn't even apologize for their actions when I asked for one. To me anyone who claims to be "poly" is a morally corrupt person. They should never have forced their relationship attitudes onto my husband their so called friend.

I was surprised when I linked to this page that it was an article written almost 5 years ago. I've only started thinking about this concept for the past couple of years, as I've noticed that many recent films are exposing us to the reality that monogamy just doesn't seem to work, and if it does, you're one of the very few. ... Films such as "This is Where I Leave You" (pay attention to the rooftop conversations!) and "HER" and "Wanderlust" just to name the most recent ones I remember. Almost every film and TV show I watch seems to be subtly conditioning us to accept "big love." And not just for Mormons.

Im 53, and it took my generation a while to accept other alternative lifestyles. I remember in the 70s how gays were still mostly in the closet, including my uncle. I remember not being able to wrap my head around how 2 men could love each other "in that way." Now, 40 years later, I have learned enough to know that "Love is Love," and in fact, WE are Love. My children, having grown up in the 90s, did not understand my generation's surprise at the gay lifestyle, and why it had to be hidden at all. I have learned a lot from my sons, one of which told me to read, "The Moral Animal.; Why We Are the Way We Are." I will certainly get around to that, as well as "Polyamory in the 21st Century."

I've been married for 28 years, but I've been attracted to a few men along the way. To the religious, I was being immoral. But to other free thinkers, I was probably just being human, and possibly even evolving. I talked to my husband about it and he was surprisingly open. He admitted a few attractions he has had (which I expected) and surmises that society is changing from monogamy only, to open marriage, to eventual "love pods" as he called it... which brings up childhood memories of the free loving 60s.

Bottom line: there are pros and cons to everything. Any lifestyle you name will have both honesty and pain, both trust and disappointment. There is no perfect type of relationship for ALL of us. What we all need to do is get in touch with our true selves, our wants, needs and desires - apart from what society has molded us to be. (This is much easier for the younger generations.). Then, honor ourselves and love ourselves to do what feels right for us, despite what society or friends or family may think.

Monogamy may be the norm, and can be joyous in the beginning -- but more than half end in divorce. For a long time we've asked why it doesn't work, or how we can make it work... And that relationships take work! Call me crazy, but isn't that a contradiction in terms? To make love work? Love can't be made to do anything - it's a crazy mystical force we don't control. And I think we have enough work already.

It makes me laugh how some posters think Poly life this is some New age thinking, and suddenly becoming a trend. It was certainly also in full swing back in the 60s and nothing has changed at all since then. Its also in countries like SE asia (Thailand) a norm, with minor wives completely in the know of their husbands other wives. Also accepted in Arab countries. However, for it to work fairly both parties should share the same graces.

Its easy to judge something or label it black or white, but there are also other boundaries which can be explored. Rather than choose monogamy or poly lifestyles. Some relationships can go through rough patches where a Poly open period can be better than any marriage counselled. It gives freedom of independence back to both parties, it reviltalizes and invigorates, it shakes people out of their comfortably numb lives, it reawakens dead energy, and it can reinforce how much you love the other person (or perhaps have drifted too far) and its time to say goodbyes.

There is also no reason why staying in a poly relationship is necessary. In many cases it can just be a short lived spell in a marriage just to get through some soul searching.

Used correctly Poly is a tool to assist in monogomy for longer term. Disrespected and Poly becomes the enemy of those who fear it or do not not respect or understand it.

life is about choices, commitments, and finding happiness within these constraints. If happiness is stifled then the goal posts can be moved temporarily.