ABUSE by Narcissist & PTSD

Imagine a guy like myself who has PTSD and then suffers the abuse of a narcissist...

WOW.... That explains a lot!

- Al

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Narcissists are characterized by incapacity for empathy, and exhibit grandiose thinking and/or behavior, mood instability, gross selfishness, and amongst other qualities, a belief that they are special, entitled to recognition and reward.

Their interpersonal difficulties in the world encourage an often angry and hostile outlook.

Sexually, they tend to demean sexual intimacy -most are misogynists and have a thwarted, and conflicted relationship with their mother - or will be promiscuous, and flauntingly so.

In either case, the narcissist dislikes physical, sexual, and emotional intimacy.

To be involved with a narcissist is an appallingly toxic and bewildering experience.

Practitioners in psychology and mental health more often find themselves caring for partners of narcissists, such is their destructive nature.

Moral injustice can among the cost society pays for failing/refusing to identify such individuals while they inhabit educational institutions, political offices, and other positions that enable their exploitation of position, privilege, power, and status.

Narcissism is almost entirely about control.

It is a primitive and immature reaction to the circumstances of a life in which the narcissist (usually in their childhood) was rendered helpless.

It is about re-asserting one's identity, re-establishing predictability, mastering the environment - human and physical.

Understanding does NOT imply acquiesing to them, but it is, as always, the critical step to arming oneself to both protect and to fight.

The narcissist is never whole without an adoring, available, and possibly self-denigrating partner.

Their very sense of superiority, indeed their False Self, can depend on it.

A sadistic Superego switches its attentions from the narcissist to the partner, thus finally obtaining an alternative source of satisfaction.

It is through self-denial that the partner survives. Often denying their wishes, hopes, dreams, aspirations, sexual, psychological and material needs, choices, preferences, values, and much else besides.

I perceived my needs as threatening because they might engender the wrath of the narcissist's God-like supreme figure.

The predominant state of the partner's mind is utter confusion.

Even the most basic relationships remain bafflingly obscured by the giant shadow cast by the intensive interaction with the narcissist.

A suspension of judgment is part and parcel of a suspension of individuality, which is both a prerequisite to and the result of living with a narcissist. The partner no longer knows what is true and right and what is wrong and forbidden.

The narcissist recreates for the partner the sort of emotional ambience that led to his own formation in the first place: capriciousness, fickleness, arbitrariness, emotional (and physical or sexual) abandonment.

The narcissist idealizes and then DEVALUES and discards the object of his initial idealization.

This abrupt, heartless devaluation IS abuse. ALL narcissists idealize and then devalue.

This is THE core narcissistic behavior. The narcissist exploits, lies, insults, demeans, ignores (the "silent treatment"), manipulates, controls. All these are forms of abuse.

There are a million ways to abuse. It is tantamount to treating someone as one's extension, an object, or an instrument of gratification.

To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be brutally honest, with a morbid sense of humor, or consistently tactless - is to abuse.

To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore - are all modes of abuse.

There is verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is long.

Narcissists are masters of abusing surreptitiously ("ambient abuse"). They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse.

The narcissist often does not keep agreements, does not adhere to laws or social norms, and regards consistency and predictability as demeaning traits.

These unanswered questions hamper the partner's ability to gauge reality. Her primordial sin is that she fell in love with an image, not with a real person.

It is the voiding of the image that is mourned when the relationship ends.

The break-up of a relationship with a narcissist is, therefore, very emotionally charged. It is the culmination of a long chain of humiliations and of subjugation.

It is the rebellion of the functioning and healthy parts of the partner's personality against the tyranny of the narcissist.

The partner is likely to have totally misread and misinterpreted the whole interaction (I hesitate to call it a relationship). This lack of proper interface with reality might be (erroneously) labeled "pathological".

Why is it that the partner then sometimes seeks to prolong her pain? Upon the break-up of the relationship, often it is the partner (but not the narcissist), who usually is unable to find closure and can engage in a tortuous and drawn out post mortem.

She is Highly unrealistic and having Grandiose fantasies: She talked about wanting to be my wife until death do us part. She talked about buying a farm, trips to Europe and Mexico. She told me how good she was to make her business successful. She talked about adopting a child.

Imposed by a sadistic and hateful primary object (Mother): She told me how mean her mother was and how she was beating her. She told me that her father loved her and protected her but I learned later that it was a lie.

Constant failure (Grandiosity gap) leading to dysphorias (sadness): She said how important it was for her to keep her sons close to her. When her oldest son left her to be with his dad and later moved back to Mexico she fell into a deep depression.

Perceived to be odd, illusions, self delusions, lack of judgment: She always seems to be a little crazy to me and I sometimes called her loquita for fun.

Fantastic life stories (Contingent Narratives): She was saying great things about her family and her home town even though she doesnt ever want to go back there. She was saying great things about her school and about the jobs she had.

Addicted to Narcissistic Supply: Admiration, Adoration, Approval, Attention: She constantly admired herself and when I didnt agree she became unreasonably hurt.

Primary and Secondary Narcissistic Supply Sources (PNSS, SBSS): She kept looking for those and then trained her own son to say these things to her.

Narcissistic Cycle and Mini Cycle: Her mood kept changing from Euphoria to Dysphoria.

Gradually evolves into Paranoid: She talked to me for hours just to make sure I will continue to support her and her children, that I wouldnt ask her to leave.

Pathological Liars: Everything she said was a lie: that she loved me, that she wanted to be my wife, that she knows how to run a business and do sales. Towards the end her lies became extremely manipulative: She lies to the shelter about being a victim of domestic violence. She lied in court.

Sadistic, likely to use verbal and psychological abuse: After I filed for divorce she used phrases like: I used and abused you for 3 years. You are a looser, You are a failure. I though I wanted to be your wife but you are no good etc.

I suffered abuse for 3 years and now I am suffering traumatic effects such as panic attacks, hyper-vigilance, sleep disturbances, flashbacks (intrusive memories), suicidal ideation, and psychosomatic symptoms. I have also experienced shame, depression, anxiety, embarrassment, guilt, humiliation, abandonment, and an enhanced sense of vulnerability.

The words &quot;narcissist,&quot; &quot;sadist&quot; triggered associations in my &quot;machine,&quot; which produced the words &quot;sick puppy.&quot;

Regretfully, and following my exit from therapy (PTSD) I found myself &quot;subject&quot; over the course of years to a person who's behavior was (in my opinion) both a narcissist and sadist. I understand.

Like the other trauma in my history, I repress the memories of this, too...until I am triggered.

Mine was not an intimate &quot;partner,&quot; but someone who I interacted with every day. Similar only in the sense of close interaction. I have not had an intimate partner for well over a decade.

I repress the memories now...except when I am triggered. I was not always able to do that, I recall, and like you sought desperately to understand what seemed inconceivable. My effort to gain mastery, I imagine.

Life is so precious, Al.

Wounded? Yes. There's no doubt.

The &quot;bottom line,&quot; as I see it is that I have ONLY two choices...

I choose: 1. I do something to take control of my situation and my future.

Definitely!!!

But do what? What must I do to take control over my future? Right now I have no self esteem, no desire to handle simple stuff like paying bills, cleaning, look for a job (which I really should ne doing) and so on.

How do I get that desire, motivation, self esteem and all the other good stuff I used to have before?

Every single day, ask yourself, &quot;What can I do today?&quot; List these on your calendar.

Keep your goals small and manageable.

Every single day, tick each &quot;to do&quot; off the list. Every single day, acknowledge what you have accomplished.

You can even put things like &quot;10 minutes for medidation&quot; on the list.

Make sense?

For instance, today, I...

Worked on my employment search

Spent 10-15 minutes exercising, breathing, and with guided imagery

Took my multi-vitamins

Developed an emergency contingency plan

Researched resources for a transition into another community (where I plan to move)

Began revising my cover letter

Pitched personal belongings in anticipation of a move/transition

Attended to a bill.

Started drafting a response to a prospective new therapist (who may also be supplying vocational assistance)

May not seem like much, but I do this every day.

Every day my planner helps to keep me on track...regardless of how I am feeling.
I also take time, if needed, for my wellness...because I know that I'm good for nothing if I don't take good care of me.

Planners also serve to ground and keep focus on tasks.

Become a slave to your planner. Make it the first thing you see when you wake. It fosters purpose and accountability; and gives you a glance of your accomplishments each day. Regardless of how you feel.

The BEST and least-expensive system I've used was one that I designed myself on the computer (which allowed me to customize it for everything I needed), but don't have a computer anymore.

Presently using a good-quality planner by Baekgaard. It's normally very expensive and I can't normally afford such an item; but I got it at a rediculously-low clearance price (75% off). It's leather-vound, so &quot;takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'.&quot;

Franklin-Covey systems, which are also very expensive, are very good, too. The start-up cost is high (for the accessories), but after you're set up, you only have to buy refills. Only drawback with these is that I found them to be too bulky.

Whichever you decide on (these, or something else), the important thing is to use it and make it work for you. Remember also to keep your goals small and manageable at first. Give yourself opportunity to acclimate to using it and opportunity to experience success with it. That's true with everything, I think.

Hi Al,
I am new to this site. I just got out of a 3 yr relationship like this. Like you, there are many things I need to do on an everyday basis to start over now that I have gotten away. It is not as easy as people think. I console myself with just getting a few things knocked off the to-do list daily. If your ex is leaving you alone, this should make it easier. Mine is sending me threatening me emails. Threatening to destroy possessions I had to leave at my property when I fled. I understand how the ex can take up your thoughts, almost to the exclusion of all else. It IS still scary even when you know the abuser is gone. You have my sympathies.

Before I knew her, I knew NARCISSISTS existed in the world. I just didnt know what NARCISSISTS meant.
Before I knew her, my world was secure. I thought everybody was good. I knew no EVIL.
Because I've known her, I have gained an understanding of what NARCISSITS is and compassion for other people who have been abused by NARCISSITS.
NARCISSITS can be men or women.
Healing takes time from wounds to the heart and mind. I am working on my healing. I am still not healed.
I certainly understand a lot more than I did before. It has been such a terrible experience. I felt that my entire life was over. I lost 4 years of my life so far

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I am fine with that she left. I filed for divorce when I realized I was being abused.

I am NOT fine with the false accusations that followed my divorce petition.

It is the false accusations that are so hard for me to get over. The thoughts keep coming back:

&quot;I helped a domestic violence victim for three years. I gave her and her sons everything they needed and wanted. I even married her so that she can become legal in this country. When I realized she was abusing me I filed for divorce (3 months after we got married). Because she thought she DESERVED MORE, she made false accusations of domestic violence against me.&quot;

Thanks, now I think I know what was wrong with the woman who adopted me at 2 months, abused me until I was 11, and then left me in a &quot;home&quot; for wards of the state. Of course, everything was all &quot;my fault&quot;.

How does a TRUE victim of domestic violence goes from being a victim to being a narcissistic abuser in one shot, one relationship?

Answer: As a narcissist she had a very conflictive relationship with her first (Mexican) husband. As you know, Mexican men do not treat their women well and they are nothing but understanding. When he received her narcissistic abuse, he responded with violence.

I was at the court session when he confessed to the violence. I saw blood stains on the pillows and other evidence for the violence.

That's why I wanted to help her.

So I helped her so much for 3 years. I gave her and her sons everything they needed and wanted. I even married her so that she can become legal in this country. When I realized she was abusing me I filed for divorce (3 months after we got married). Because she thought she DESERVED MORE, she made false accusations of domestic violence against me.

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