I want to talk to you about an alarmingly divisive household issue that can tear families apart and damage relationships. It can fracture friendships and scar children for life.

I'm talking about bathroom tissue. Even though this issue is dealt with in every household, every day, it has received a shocking lack of attention from psychologists, journalists and academics.

People who have no scruples about prying into our sex lives and childhood phobias have a distinct lack of focus when it comes to this pressing issue.

Households across the country are torn over these dilemmas: What brand of bathroom tissue to buy? And should the start of the paper be placed over, or underneath, the roll?

It's husband against wife. Partner against partner. Roommate against ... well, you get it.

So let me be your Life Coach in these matters. Unlike therapists and psychologists, who actually must be licensed to practice, anyone can set themselves up as a Life Coach. So, hello. I'm yours. Sis boom bah and hand me the pompoms.

Let's examine these disturbing issues one by one.

Which brand of toilet paper to buy?

In this case, families are divided into two teams, by issues of frugality vs. comfort.

Decadent pleasure-loving teams want softer, more costly brands of tissue. These people also buy heated car seats and want to put recliners in the living room.

Teams of cheapskate shoppers, like me, prefer one-ply paper that lasts a long time, even if it feels like sandpaper on those body parts that never see the light of day. These types of folks believe that anything else is flushing cash down the toilet.

The battleground for this is frequently the TV airwaves, where the ghost of Mr. Whipple and his Charmin can still be felt, long after his death.

I also want you to contemplate those cute cartoon bears, doing something unmentionable in the woods. No matter how many times I see this commercial, I can never get past how seriously bizarre it is

I like Scott Tissue, which comes in 1,000-sheet rolls and has the advantage of lasting a long time, which can mean a lot in a household where only one person – mom – ever bothers to change the rolls.

I wish someone could explain to me what exactly happens in the kids' bathroom after the paper roll goes empty. And stays empty for years at a time, even though there are refill rolls stored in the cupboard less than 2 feet away.

Actually, I take that back. I really don't want to know.

I lived for years with my best friend, before she deserted me to get married, and the only thing we ever argued about was the type of toilet paper to buy. I usually won the arguments, for the simple reason that she hates to go to the store.

In my Extremely Scientific Survey of this topic, many male readers told me that they defer their preferences to their wives, since they actually make the trip to the market.

I was a little disappointed to discover how many men out there are too slothful to buy their own toilet paper, but happy to know that the women are making the decisions, which is as it should be, considering they are the primary users of the product.

Women, in fact, are so toilet-paper-happy that they even have party games built around the stuff. If you've never been to a bridal shower where you've been forced to make decorations or gowns out of toilet paper, well, consider yourself lucky. And if you've never been to a bridal shower at all, consider yourself doubly blessed.

The second critical decision involving bathroom tissue is, of course, whether it should go over or under on the roll. This has been studied by academics, which shouldn't be surprising considering those people will study anything.

Though it's usually analyzed under the lame category of trivial household decisions.

I don't think it is trivial. It's very annoying to go visit friends and find the toilet paper loaded wrong in their bathrooms. I usually assist them by correcting this fundamental error, quietly so I don't embarrass them.

Clearly, the paper should go with the end underneath the roll, so it will pull out more easily and avoid any messy ends showing on front. All educated people know this, even though studies have shown that a majority of people believe it should go over the roll.

These people are wrong. But then, the majority is often wrong, which you only have to look at our political system to understand is true. That is why I reject all suggestions that there should be forced standardization of rolls in this country.

Of course, if you can't agree on this issue in your house, you could just buy one of those dispensers you find in schools and public restrooms, which dole out the paper by individual squares. If you do this, though, I suggest getting a bulletproof vest, because someone in your house is likely to put out a contract on you.

Regardless, the most important thing is to make sure you actually have toilet paper in your house, to avoid a situation like that reported Oct. 12 by the Augusta (Ga.) Chronicle.

Police there were called to a house after an argument between a man and his girlfriend over the fact that there was no toilet paper in the house. Apparently, in the course of the argument, the woman got locked out of the house, after which she took to breaking windows with a baseball bat.

So, if you're going to run out of bathroom tissue in your house, just make sure all baseball bats have been properly secured.

User Agreement

Keep it civil and stay on topic. No profanity, vulgarity, racial
slurs or personal attacks. People who harass others or joke about
tragedies will be blocked. By posting your comment, you agree to
allow Orange County Register Communications, Inc. the right to
republish your name and comment in additional Register publications
without any notification or payment.