Science & Technology

Employees at local technology firm Halverson Enterprises remarked to reporters Monday that CEO Peter Weathers, 61, has an extraordinary gift for discovering great ideas and then swiftly running them into the ground with his horrible modifications.

ARLINGTON, VA—Explaining that readership of science-related articles and discussion of scientific concepts tends to surge at such times, a report released Thursday by the National Science Foundation confirmed that Americans are most interested in science when the moon looks different than normal.

BROOKLYN, NY—Staring in trembling awe at her suddenly blank desktop, local woman Chelsea Greene was reportedly presented a rare chance at a new life Tuesday after accidentally closing her browser window with 23 open tabs.

BOULDER, CO—Saying such feelings of desire were observed in nearly every individual they studied, psychologists from the University of Colorado released a report Thursday concluding that it is perfectly natural for people to fantasize about sandwiches other than the one presently in their hands.

MILFORD, CT—Announcing the creation of a genetically viable new menu item they said could soon appear in franchises nationwide, researchers with Subway’s sandwich breeding program revealed Thursday they had successfully developed a Black Forest Ham–Meatball Marinara hybrid.

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

TUCUMCARI, NM—Greeting the extraterrestrial diplomat at their usual rendezvous point atop an isolated mesa in the High Plains of eastern New Mexico, Dyson Ltd CEO James Dyson reportedly met in secret with an alien ambassador from the Zartrepylon star system to receive the latest technology for a new hand dryer Thursday night.

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

ATHENS, GA—Enumerating the variety of health benefits that result from the practice, a study released Tuesday by the Department of Entomology at the University of Georgia recommends all insects spend at least 30 minutes skittering per day.

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the negative consequences in the long term outweigh any short-term satisfaction, experts from the American Psychological Association issued a statement Friday advising individuals against picking up their laptop and throwing it as hard as they can across the office, even though doing so would feel absolutely incredible.

WASHINGTON—Citing its innate hardness and increased likelihood of causing pain, the Department of Health and Human Services published a report Tuesday revealing that the ground remains the least desirable surface for breaking a fall.

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

NEW YORK—Bracing itself as the 37-year-old opened the app in evident frustration, the status update bar at the top of area man Peter Daigle’s Facebook news feed expressed a profound sense of dread Tuesday about whatever the man was about to type into it, sources confirmed.

PEEKSKILL, NY—Lamenting that she is now inextricably associated with the popular image messaging app solely because of the date of her birth, local teen Caitlin Reese told reporters Thursday that she had no say whatsoever in becoming part of the Snapchat Generation.

HOUSTON—Calling it a privilege to work in such a dynamic and collaborative environment, NASA social media manager Dustin Greer, 26, told reporters Wednesday he considers himself fortunate to be a part of the space agency’s team.

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

SAN FRANCISCO—In a move designed to streamline the product’s interface and facilitate one of the more common interactions between customers and the ride-sharing service, Uber announced Wednesday that its newest update would allow users to file a lawsuit against the company from directly within the app.

NEW YORK—An alarming report released Monday by the National Audubon Society revealed that, during their lifetimes, nearly four of every five female birds will be sexually harassed by complete strangers lewdly exposing their colorful plumage.

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Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

Research into the subject has reportedly been hampered by the fact that when scientists approach birds for observation, they typically fly away.

Research into the subject has reportedly been hampered by the fact that when scientists approach birds for observation, they typically fly away.

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Through 2,500 years of recorded natural history, hundreds of thousands of hours of fieldwork, and the testing of innumerable hypotheses in regard to the mechanism by which avifauna reproduce, not one instance of bird sex has been reliably documented, photographed, or described, according to the biologists.

“We’ve spent considerable time and effort attempting to unravel the mystery of sex among bird populations, but unfortunately it remains one of the great unanswered questions in our field,” said ornithologist Daniel Abramson, who added that he has studied hundreds of bird species in habitats all across the globe, spending the bulk of his 28-year career staring through binoculars and crouched behind blinds in fruitless attempts to catch them in the act. “We can say for certain that eggs emerge from some part of a bird’s anatomy, and we know baby birds hatch from those eggs. But beyond that, we honestly have no idea how it works.”

“We haven’t ruled out the possibility that the feathers may in fact be the genitals.”

“Do they secrete something onto each other’s feathers and absorb it through their skin?” he continued. “Do they fly very high and have sex so far up in the sky that we’re unable to observe it? At this point, no one can say for sure.”

Abramson’s colleagues echoed his frustration and enumerated the vast array of theories currently being considered. These include the idea that male birds may be fertilizing the eggs in some way after they’ve been laid, as well as the hypothesis that all birds are females that produce clones of themselves. While unable to elaborate any further, the biologists also put forth the possibility that flying in a V formation or perhaps “that thing on turkeys’ necks” has something to do with the process.

A number of experts also reportedly subscribe to the notion that birds are one gender of an entire class of organisms, and bats are the other, complementary, gender.

“Most bird observations occur during the day, but it’s possible that birds are having sex in the middle of the night when it’s very dark and they’re hard to see, or maybe inside clouds where we can’t glimpse them at all—or maybe it occurs both in clouds and at night,” said animal physiologist James Bosley, a proponent of the theory that currently has the most traction among biologists, which suggests that most birds reproduce by flying directly into each other at high speeds. “My own research team is currently looking into whether ducks are doing it under water each time they dip beneath the surface, out of our view.”

“Before that, we looked very carefully at birds that get close to each other and start flapping their wings around a bunch, but it turns out that in those instances they’re usually just pecking at the same piece of food,” he added.

Bosley went on to state that for years, scientists had assumed migratory birds only engaged in sexual intercourse after flying south for the winter, a theory that was later abandoned after a group of North American ornithologists traveled to a conference at the University of São Paulo and met Brazilian colleagues who had long believed the exact opposite to be true.

“At this point, we’re not even sure if birds have genitals,” said Felicia Lopez, a comparative anatomist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. “We’ve searched all over their bodies, but there are a lot of feathers down where you would expect something to be, and it makes it pretty hard to see anything. To be honest, though, it doesn’t look like there’s much there at all—just look at how smooth they are. It’s hard to picture where a penis would even go.”

“We haven’t ruled out the possibility that the feathers may in fact be the genitals,” she continued.

Nevertheless, Lopez remarked, biologists remain hopeful, believing that more advanced methodologies will allow them to make the first-ever direct observation of bird sex sooner rather than later.

“It’s only a matter of time before we’re peering through the brush and finally catch sight of birds in the act of copulation,” she said. “As we speak, several of my colleagues are out in the field dressed up like birds and strutting seductively around the animals’ natural habitats in attempts to finally witness bird sex firsthand.”