A piece from here a piece from there. I pull the parts together where, the facts I've found and those still gone are segments searched and sought so long. Together joined and linked I find, small questions answered in my mind. Assembling self and as I go, not really half, but never whole.

Assembling Self

Saturday, March 19, 2011

I borrowed this quote from my friend Trace (thank you Trace) because it is speaks to me of how I have dealt for years with being adopted. It's no surprise why so many adoptees blog, write books, or spend a great deal of time in support forums writing and sharing their experiences, emotions, and anger. It's obviously a surprise to the "nonadopted" world. But, the realm of writing allows a safe place for adoptees to express themselves if only for them, and others who understand. I know it has been a great vehicle for healing for myself.

I wrote a poem years ago about my frustration at the system of closed records adoption. I never claim to speak for anyone else, but I will today for so many I do know feel as I do. I hope they don't mind. In fact, I hope they are pleased by it.

Twelve years later after petitioning the adoption court I still have no names, no cities, not even a state where my biological parents are. The government has no right to keep this information from me. It is mine. No, strike that and I will speak for adoptees right now, it is "ours".

Rights in adoption are not about reunions or relationships. The nonadopted world continually convolutes and twists what we are asking for into imposing ourselves into others lives and ruining them. As I told my adoptive mother I will tell the world "I didn't know being related to me would be so bad". I don't really need any further rejection in my life after not fitting in in any capacity in my adoptive family, nor would I welcome it with anyone else related to me or not.

There are adoptees who just want information and medical background from their biological families just as there are those that want contact and communication from their families or origin. We simply do not need outside entities or other persons involved in making decisions about who and what we can know. That right will always belong to us.

The Struggle

Struggling to move onward through the future's open door.
Still caught up in mysteries of what has come before.
I feel another part of me was lost somewhere in time.
I'm searching for the reasons and all answers I can find.
To sever unseen shackles locking me up in the past.
And hold within my hands the keys to truths found at long last.
Impeded by the secrets that so many keep from me.
In pursuit to solve this puzzle and at last to be set free.
Between my heart and mind there seems to be eternal war.
Near defeated by this conflict, drained and weary to the core.
I stand here with my head held high not yielding to these thoughts.
That lead me to believe these long fought battles will be lost.
Ignoring drones from ancient tunes that say I have no right.
In quests that seek to find these missing pieces of my life.