Thursday, August 30, 2012

I have reached that stage in pregnancy where I am just a mess. I am big. Well, my belly is big. Thankfully the rest of me isn't, except for my lower legs and cankles. Yes, I said cankles. Even on my best day my ankles are just gone. They have been replaced by puffy, floppy tissue that is just horrendous to look at and tight feeling.

Excuse the toes, I haven't been able to reach them to polish my nails. After staring at my horrid cankles I have since had them painted. Those bad boys needed help in a big way. My uterus is a practicing fool. It is seriously getting old. I may cry if I go in to the doctor's office today and he doesn't say I've changed some how. I am going to bring up induction. Not too early, the day before I am due. I pray that I go into labor on my own before then, but I really like the idea of a definite end to this. Bree is running out of space. She is more of a roller than a flipper/kicker now. Although, every night when I settle in for bed she has a little kick routine she does. At least she is consistent. I've got all her things set up. Her little crib is ready, her mamaroo is together and waiting for her. I've got both her and my bags packed in the back of our van. Her car seat base is installed, but the actual seat is in her crib at the moment. I figure we can grab it on the way out the door when the time arrives.
Bronson has been extra attentive and cuddly. It makes me wonder if he knows something is going on. He literally laid on me for 2 hours yesterday evening. It could have something to do with both of his sister's being in school during the day too. Either way, I'll take it. I love when he is cuddly and sweet. He's gotten to be so busy playing and getting into things that he rarely wants anything to do with me. He also points out babies on t.v. and the Internet. I really hope he does well with Bree's arrival. I love that little guy more than I could ever express. I know Mylie had a difficult time adjusting to Bronson's arrival, now they are so close. I am hoping for the same.
Mylie is very excited to meet her sister. She hugs and kisses my belly every night to say goodnight to Bree. She loves to feel her move around. She seems to be the only one! Seeing/feeling Bree wiggle freaks Bryan out. My only worry with Mylie is that she talks a lot about bathing Bree. That will not happen in the tub. I don't mind her helping me give her sponge baths, but that is it. I worry that she will take it upon herself to wash her sister. I also worry that she will try to pick her up out of her crib. She will be forewarned. I've enrolled Mylie in gymnastics at her school and cheer leading for the fall to help keep her busy. Hopefully that will help.
Talise is mostly anxious to see what Bree looks like. I don't blame her, I am too. Talise is busy with school and band. I am so happy that she decided to join the school band. I hope she keeps up with it. I wish they had an art club. She is extremely gifted in the arts. She learned to read music quickly and has done well so far. She just has to decide what instrument she wants to play. I keep encouraging her to participate in a sport of some kind as well. She doesn't like the idea of people watching her, so it has been difficult to convince her.
Bryan seems to be getting excited about his first child's arrival. I worry about how he is going to do with her waking at night. As of now he has a mini tantrum any time one of the kids wakes him up in the middle of the night. I am really trying to be patient with him because he has only been dealing with this for a short period of time. He is most understanding with Bronson, which is a good sign to me as Bronson is still a baby in my eyes. Bryan clearly adores my little fella. It is apparent that Bronson feels the same. Bryan has done exceptionally well helping me out this last week. He is really good about finishing dinner, doing chores or just keeping the kids out of the bathroom so I can handle my business by myself! He seemed to pay attention when he heard the nurse say for me to take warm baths when I am too uncomfortable because he has offered to watch the kids multiple times for me to do just that. I didn't even have to bring it up. I feel bad for him because I am at the point where I am just a miserable beast most of the time. He does far more right than wrong, but just one misstep and I am in tears.
I am conflicted. Like I just mentioned, my hormones have me an emotional wreck. That has been pretty consistent through out this pregnancy. My co-worker innocently mentioned that my nose was red and wider. I had to fight tears. I have since been obsessed with my nose. I think it looks the same. I stare at it a lot. I am ready to be done with this pregnancy. It should be my last. At the same time, I am nervous to have another newborn. Not so much having her, but having her along with a 2 year old, 4 year old and 12 year old. That is a lot. The idea of ever being pregnant again scares the hell out of me. So does the idea of never being pregnant again! Just taking away the opportunity is a very difficult decision to make. I really feel that I am beyond being pregnant. I have been raising children since I was 23. I am ready for a break. Yet, the idea of all the squishy goodness of a new life in your arms is simply amazing. Maybe once she is here I'll feel more at ease. I have cut back my hours at work now. 16 hours on these trunks is just too much. When I get home my legs from the knees down are so tight they feel like they could pop right open. Pushing people around the hospital all day takes the Braxton Hicks up a notch. I feel like I am not pulling my share by the time second shift comes in and that is not at all fair to them. No one has said anything to me about it. Everyone seems understanding and supportive. I could not have better co-workers. I am blessed in that department. I must go get ready for my exam. Wish me luck!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Today I had a doctor's appointment. I had two options when scheduling. Option one was to bring all three kids at the end of the day, having to check two out of school early. Option two was going first thing in the morning with Bronson only. I foolishly chose option two. My reasoning was that he's my sweet boy, and surely one toddler is better than two toddlers and a pre-teen. I was so very wrong. He woke up screaming like a nut because he had a poopy diaper. We got him changed, yet he continued on his screaming rampage. He went non-stop for about an hour. Both my girls were offering up toys, food, chocolate milk, blankets, anything they could think of to quiet him down. I nearly lost it! All I could think about was being trapped in a tiny exam room with him behaving like this. Finally, Mylie gave him a pop tart and he smiled and got quiet. Peace! He happily ate a blueberry pop tart while we got ready to take Mylie to school. He was quiet in the car, only speaking when I went through a drive thru for a drink and french toast sticks and milk for him. I gave him his food, he ate it and fell asleep. I felt a glimmer of hope. He usually sleeps well in his stroller. When we arrived at my appointment I carefully, and quietly placed him in his stroller, being sure to bring his milk cup and blanket. He slept. While checking in the receptionist spoke. Bronson glanced up looking extremely ornery. She smiled and said good morning to him. That was all it took. He took terrible two's to a whole new level. Screaming, growling, thrashing around. Thankfully they took me back rather quickly and I was the only one in the waiting room. The nurse brought him a sticker and a Lolly pop to try to help me out with him. He took it, yet continued on with his fit from hell. Finally he threw the Lolly on the floor. When I retrieved it and tossed it in the trash he took his game up a notch. Banging his head back onto the chair, screaming like I was beating him, arching his back and bouncing the stroller. I just sat there, staring at him in horror. I was on the verge of tears when one of the nurses asked if she could let him go walk around the office with her. That is not at all something I would normally do, but as I sat there, fighting tears, envisioning smacking the tar outta his bottom, I agreed. All I could think was, thank God for this nurse! I can totally see how some people snap. He is my sweet boy. He is the one that I USED to be able to take anywhere. We'd go out to eat and he'd happily sit and wait on his food, gibbering baby talk. He has recently lost his darn mind! He was quiet with the nurses and I was ever so grateful. Once my exam was complete, I opened the door to see him laying on his tummy on the floor (cringe) happily coloring, holding two lolly pops and two stickers. They gave him the crayons and coloring book to take home with him, as I still had to go to the lab when I left. I cannot tell you how much that meant to me. No way will I be bringing him back. From here on out either Bryan will have to take off of work, or I'll have to re-schedule. I am mentally exhausted and extremely embarrassed. I will be rewarding those nurses with replacement crayons and coloring books and some sort of treat for them for helping me. As I type this I have my sweet son back. He is smiling with his handsome face and adorable dimples. One would never know the hell he just put me through!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

My first baby, Talise, started middle school last Monday. So far, she loves it. I am happy! I was so very worried for her. I really hope she makes more friends. Maybe I should say I hope she makes friends that I like more. She is doing well so far. She joined band. She has been practicing a lot and is rapidly improving. Listening to the practicing isn't always pleasurable, but I am excited that she has taken such an interest in music. She really wants to be in art club, but so far I have not seen one listed in her school. She has a locker now. I bought her tons of accessories for it. She was really happy about that. She even has a working chandelier hanging in it! I really hope she stays this excited about school this year. I also went to the parent orientation for Mylie's Pre-K. The school she will be attending is nice. We go in tomorrow to meet her teachers. She will be in a classroom of 22 children, a teacher and a teacher's aide. She is really looking forward to going to school. I am looking forward to having quality one on one time with Bronson, but nervous about not having my Myliebel with me all day. After how well she did at cheer camp I am sure she will do great. Not so sure I will though. I had fun taking them both school shopping, buying back packs (Mylie's favorite part), getting them hair cuts and hearing about what they expect from the school year. As I sat and listened to the director talk about school policies I thought about how blessed I am that my babies have been able to stay home with me. Talise is my only child so far that has attended day care. Not that day care is bad or anything. She did great when she went. She made friends and was really social at a young age. It wasn't easy for me though. I didn't always see eye to eye with her teacher. Worrying about how she was all day while I was in school made my day much harder. I am sure I will worry just as much when Mylie starts school later this week. Bryan suggested us sending Bronson to daycare for a week or two after I have Bree. I just don't think I can. I think it would be far too difficult for me. As of now I feel like I will be alright with the two of them home with me alone all day. I did it when I had Mylie. I did it when I had Bronson. I feel I will have better, saner days knowing for sure my sweet boy is happy with me at home. It a very sweet, considerate thought though. If I am wrong, and it is too difficult or stressing on me once my newest princess arrives I will reconsider his offer.