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humblebrag

I have been asked to participate in a local variety show that will have its premiere in April.

This is kind of great especially since I made one of my New Year’s resolution: “Be like super famous and shit.”

Nearly there, reader, nearly there.

I have three months to figure out just what the fuck I’m going to do. This is where you come in.

It’s difficult because I have so many talents, I’m not sure which one I should highlight. #humblebrag

This actually is not true, but it is very similar to something a college boyfriend once said to me after I confided my fear in never finding a career post-college because I couldn’t do anything. He commiserated by confiding he was so good at so many things, he didn’t know what he should do. #horribleproblems

That’s almost as good as when my post-college boyfriend told me I’d “be so cute, if (I) just ate salads.” #luckilyIdidn’tmarryeither

So I am a bit apprehensive about this upcoming show. I do have some theater experience. In ninth grade, I played the pivotal role in a high school production of Romeo and Juliet–Peter, the nurse’s page. I wore a tunic that made me resemble a potato, said “Anon” like nobody’s business and stood really still except for those times I was directed to sit. I sit really well. #braggartpotato

Here are some of my ideas. I’m hoping you can give me some direction in the comments.

Reenact the dance I did to Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’ in the sixth grade talent show.

Ventriloquist bit with Hugo. Hugo will not move his lips while I speak.

Oh. What are you doing?

Okay. So I guess that’s out.

Watch TV

Wow people with my ability to be the only person who doesn’t know what the fuck “gangnam style” is.

You know reading the New York Times takes up time I could be spending on raising money for widowed orphans.

But that is the price I pay to be informed and what I became informed about today is the phenomenon of the humblebrag. Apparently people get on the twit network to broadcast their awesomeness by trying not to sound too, too awesome.

That is awesome.

It is something I want to learn to do because I want people to revel in my awesomeness, but not think I’m a self-absorbed dickhead.

Luckily there are several examples gathered by writer Harris Whittels on his Twitter feed. I will present the original tweet and my practice run at the humblebrag. I only spent, like, 30 seconds on this so, you know, it might not be any good. It’s hard to work on humblebrags when so much of your emotional energy is spent thinking about endangered stink beetles #savethestink.

A pretty awesome humblebrag is the one where you point out how beautiful you are by tweeting “can you believe people think I’m beautiful? I’m wearing a raincoat for god’s sake!”

Like so:

So, so crazy, right? Like, do these men have their eyes in backwards?

Here’s mine:

In a similar vein is the “It’s really difficult to be skinny” humblebrag:

Seriously, when will that happen? I know Bethenny Frankel’s gravatar is her cover photo from Health magazine, but when will the media appreciate her for being famous for no reason?

Here’s my take:

Another popular humblebrag is the one where you point out your hanging with the popular kids in high school.

Aw, Lance…from doing dope to hanging out with a dope. When will the hurtin’ end?

Then there’s the humblebrag where you marvel at your life while name-dropping the shit out of something.

Oh wow. Do you work as a limo driver or something? Because that shit is cool.

Then there’s the humblebrag where you feign amazement about your work.

Was it strange, Ben? I have strange feelings when I read my stuff too:

Or you feign amazement about your general awesomeness:

Are you flirting with me right now? It kind of feels like you are. And you are really good at it ;).

Then there’s the humblebrag where you try to pretend you’re just a regular joe. Stars are just like us, you guys! Calm the fuck down.

I would totally be freaked out too if I had any idea who you are. It’s so weird when the nonspecials get so amazed by the specials, amirite?

I think I might have the hang of this. Or maybe not.

It’s hard to get the hang of something new when you spend so much time bringing such happiness to the wordpress community.

But that’s just me, I’m selfless like that.

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