Boy, did my friends really pull one over on me last night! There I was, coming home from a long day of work, thinking it was just going to be another lonely night, when all of a sudden I get ambushed by what would turn out to be the best surprise party of all time!

So I pushed open the door, and there they were – all my sneaky friends just standing right there wearing matching ski masks and black outfits! I was so excited to see everyone in my infamous annual “cat burglar” Halloween costume, that I couldn’t even be mad about the lock they’d broken on my door to sneak in.

I think I might have come home early or something, because they all looked really surprised to see me. So much so, that two of the guys up and dropped the TV they were carrying out the back door (to make more room for the dance floor) and tried to run away out of sight before I saw them.

Everyone else new the jig was up, though, and started screaming and hollering at the sight of me. It must have been their first surprise party, though, because they didn’t yell, “Surprise!” or “Happy Birthday!” or anything like that. Instead, they mostly yelled things like “Get down on the ground,” “Put your hands up,” and “Don’t you fucking move!”

It was a little disorganized, but I didn’t care – I just obeyed their dance moves and screamed my little head off with excitement.

After the big reveal, the guys thought it would be a good idea to play Hide and Seek. So they blindfolded me, put me in a closet and told me to not to move until I’d counted to one hundred. Well, I must have said my “Mississippis” a little fast, because when I pulled off the blindfold and ran back into the living room, they were all still there, running around like a bunch of chickens with their heads cut off.

In fairness, there weren’t really that many good hiding spaces left, on account of the fact that they’d moved most of the furniture onto the party van they’d parked in the driveway. But really, they didn’t have to get so sore at me for counting fast. I was just excited, that’s all.

Anyway, it was all water under the bridge and a second later all my friends pulled out a bunch of knives and pointed them at me – which meant it was time to cut the cake! They told me to open my mouth and close my eyes (so I could get a big surprise). So naturally, there I was expecting them to give me a big mouthful of chocolate cake, but instead they decided to be funny and shove a big, dirty sock in there instead. Those dogs!

I had to admit, that was a pretty good practical joke. Especially when they used duct tape to keep that filthy old sock from falling out of my mouth. Man, did that just take me back to our college days!

A little while later, after I’d managed to untie myself from the chair (my bros know how much I love playing with knots), I came out to see all my birthday presents piled up on the kitchen table. Thankfully, the guys know my stance on wrapping paper, and how it is creates needless waste. So the presents weren’t wrapped or anything.

So I just ran over there and started picking up all my cool new guns and walkie talkies before the guys even had a chance to see I was done with their knot challenge. Then, my buddy came in and got really freaked out that I didn’t wait for everyone else before diving into the pile of presents.

Then another friend – probably Terry because he tends to overreact – came over and took all the guns away from me. Then, I guess from all the excitement, I got light-headed, felt a sharp pain in my head and then passed out.

When I woke up, it was late so all of my friends were gone. So I called them up to thank them for the best birthday ever, and they just pretended like they had nothing to do with it at all! Can you believe it? Those jokers just don’t know when to quit!