Dave Molter

The Twinkie tapes

Published Nov 22, 2012 at 11:42 pm
(Updated Nov 22, 2012 at 11:42 pm)

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Using the latest technology, scientists have uncovered what was recorded during the infamous 18 ½ -minute gap on the Oval Office tapes recorded by President Richard Nixon during the 1972 presidential campaign. Here’s a transcript.

RMN: … Hey, hey, mama, said the way you move, gonna make you sweat, gonna … (Sound of approaching footsteps.)

HRH: Here they are, sir. An unopened box.

RMN: Where were we?

HRH: McGovern …

RMN: That (expletive deleted) bald-headed bum.

HRH: … might get the nomination, but he can’t win in November. And even though they know about the Watergate break-in, we don’t see how it possibly can be linked to us.

RMN: Excellent! Great job, Bob! Have a Twinkie!

HRS: Thank you, Mr. President.

RMN: How many Twinkies were in this box, Bob?

HRH: 10 packages of two, I believe, Mr. President.

RMN: Only 10? Not enough! Call Jerry Ford and tell him to pressure Hostess to put at least 20 in a box. That way that (expletive deleted) weasel Dean can’t eat them all. Better yet, amend the Constitution to that effect. Put Agnew on it.

HRH: I’ll look into it, sir.

RMN: I can’t envision America without Twinkies, Bob. If that happens it will mean there’s a Democrat in the White House. Probably that last Kennedy brat. (Sound of lips smacking.) My mother used to make confections just like these, Bob. She called them Dickie Cakes.

RMN: Of course it is! I’m the president! (pause) They’re not bad for you. They represent all that’s good in America. Freedom Fingers … that’s what they should be called. If the Silent Majority would speak, do you know what they’d say, Bob?