The SmarK Rant for AEW Dynamite – 04.08.20

Jake Roberts joins us from quarantine to start, calling Marko Stunt an idiot for trying out the Murderhawk. Also, he’s pretty sure Cody is going to chicken out and “accidentally” lose to Shawn Spears so he doesn’t have to face Archer in the tournament.

Lance Archer v. Alan Engels

Archer beats on this poor geek while Jericho talks about how Archer has been “in the Orient”, and Archer cuts off a comeback from the geek with an overhead throw before finishing him off with the Blackout at 1:33.

Hikaru Shida v. Dr. Britt Baker DMD

Britt’s graphic lists her as Tony’s “frenemy”, which Tony doesn’t deny. Jericho: “Tony, have you ever been to Kanegawa Japan?” Tony: “I have never been there, no.” Jericho: “I’ve been there. It’s a dump.” This man is tremendous. Britt evades Shida and gets a back kick before hiding in the ropes. They have a shoving match while the fake crowd does the “Boo / Yay” thing. Jericho clarifies that in 1997 he was kissing babies and shaking hands, but his career took off once he started shaking babies. Shida gets dumped and Baker attacks her on the way into the ring and goes to work on the back. More deep cuts as Jericho compares Britt’s boots to Ace Frehley and even Tony has to give him props for that one. SHOCK ME! Britt gets a fameasser and mugs at Billy Gunn and “his stupid idiot little kid” in the front row, then slugs away on the mat. Britt chokes her out in the corner and adds the boot rake for two while Jericho demands a coffee from Tony at some point. Britt stops to cut a promo on the hard camera while Jericho references Jackie Crockett (Tony: “WOW! Jackie Crockett references too!”) but the ladies fight on the floor and some of the babyfaces hold Britt while Shida gives her a kneelift on the railing. And we take a break. Back with Shida hitting a suplex, but Britt rolls her up for two and Shida turns it into a triangle from the bottom, forcing Baker to make the ropes. And then in an amazing moment, Britt cries out to her friend Tony while selling on the ropes. But then she fires back with a sling blade and a butterfly suplex for two. Britt goes for the LOCKJAW, but Shida makes the ropes. They slug it out and trade kicks and Britt’s nose is BUSTED OPEN. Shida gets a Michinoku Driver and the ref stops to check on her, but Britt rolls up Shida for two. She rolls into the Lockjaw, but Shida rolls her over for two and then kicks her in the broken nose. Britt comes back with the neckbreaker for two and she kicks Shida in the face as Jericho is MARKING OUT over Britt turning into Gene Simmons now, but Shida throws her to the apron. They fight over a suplex on the apron and head to the top, where Shida drops Britt on the turnbuckle spine-first. Running knee finishes off the doctor at 17:00. They got into a crazy good groove her, beating the hell out of each other, and Britt’s busted nose was the icing on the cake. And then Jericho and Tony on commentary were the topper on the already-iced cake. ***3/4

Meanwhile, Nakazawa and Kenny discuss what their team name should be, and Nak wants to be Best Friends. Because they’re real best friends! But then Orange Cassidy bursts in (as much as he ever bursts anywhere) and the Best Friends demand SATISFACTION for this attempt to steal their name. So the Best Friends name is on the line tonight.

And now, it’s time for the ALL ELITE WRESTLING TOP 5 TAG TEAM RANKINGS!

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Number Five – The Best Friends!

Number Four – The Death Triangle!

Number Three – SCU!

Number Two – The Young Bucks!

Number One – The Dark Order!

Women’s rankings:

Riho

Britt Baker

Yuka Sakazaki

Kris Statlander

Hikaru Shida

Men’s rankings:

Cinq. Darby Allin

Quatre. Kenny Omega

Tres. Cody Rhodes

Deux. LE CHAMPION

Uno. Jake Hager

Meanwhile, we takea special look at the Jake Hager v. Jon Moxley match next week for the title. Mox notes that they’re not putting smiles on people’s faces, they’re gonna beat each other up in ugly fashion. Hager’s wife tells him that if he doesn’t win, he doesn’t come home. Ouch. Hager notes that he was supposed to be fighting for Bellator at the beginning of May and he’s been in fight camp since February, so he’s gonna beat on Moxley instead.

Meanwhile, we get words from Cody and Shawn Spears about the tournament tonight.

Best Friends v. Michael Nakazawa & Kenny Omega

So what’s up with Hangman Page anyway? Not able to make it to [Redacted] for the tapings? Shawn Spears wants Nakazawa to IMPRESS HIM, since he’s still looking for a tag team partner and all. Jericho notes that he wouldn’t use baby oil, but if you searched his tights you’d find a pencil, a fork, and brass knuckles. “A fork?!” asks Tony, and Jericho clarifies that he learned a lot from Abdullah the Butcher. The Friends work on Kenny’s arm in the corner, so he brings Nakazawa in, and Spears reminds him that he’s watching. Nak with the chops on Trent, and then he oils himself up so that Trent’s chops just slide off harmlessly. Kenny and Nakazawa do some Japan-style double-teaming, which reminds me of the other day when I was playing Katamari Damacy with my daughter for the first time and after about 30 seconds she commented “This game is from Japan, isn’t it?” She’s NINE and she understands that they’re weird. We take a break and return with Nakazawa crotching Trent on the top rope and then sliding him along the ropes. Jericho notes that this is akin to going down a waterslide with no water on it. Chucky gets a hot tag and cleans house on the pretender Best Friends, then takes Nakazawa down into Kenny’s crotch in the corner and hits Kenny with a dive. Jericho: “Twin topes! Also known as house show dives!” Orange Cassidy comes in and waits for the hug, which doesn’t come. So Kenny and Nakazawa try to hug him, but Orange is too fast and evades them. Then it gets wackier as Nakazawa squirts baby oil in the Friends eyes and then wrecks Orange’s sunglasses with oil, but luckily Cassidy has another pair in his pocket. Nakazawa spears Trent and it’s back to Omega while Tony and Jericho point out that this is a “very different” style of match. That’s an understatement. Kenny with You Can’t Escape on Chuck and then the snapdragon on Trent, but he runs into Chuck’s knee and Trent hits the running knee into Chuck’s powerbomb for two. Kenny comes back with a buckle bomb on Trent and Nakazawa hits Chuck with a fallaway slam off the top. Doomsday Device on Trent gets two while Orange sells in horror. Nakazawa manages to take his own underwear off through his tights and uses the ULTIMATE VENOM ARM on Trent, but then rubs in Kenny’s face by accident and the Best Friends get two on Nakazawa. Trent piledrives Nakazawa for two while Jericho is just horrified by the whole thing. Strong Zero finishes at 16:39. This was…uh….something. You cannot say it wasn’t different than anything else we’ve seen in a long time, I’ll give them that. I also don’t think it worked at all, but I’m pretty sure I’m not the intended audience for this. *1/2

Meanwhile, Brodie Lee dresses down his Dark Order geeks for not wearing a suit when they walk through airports, and then offers a sharp dressed one an opportunity. That’s another clear Vince-ism.

Meanwhile, Britt Baker accuses Shida of being DIRTY in the ring. And it’s just a good thing she didn’t touch Britt’s teeth. But if she DID, Britt could fix them herself anyway.

Meanwhile, more from Moxley and Hager.

Meanwhile, Matt Hardy responds to “le hole of the ass” Chris Jericho and his Circle that is Internal. He’s pretty sure Sammy Guevara doesn’t even speak Spanish and Jake Hager is Frankenstein. So he calls over Vanguard and asks for Jericho’s shirt, but the drone declares it a DUMPSTER FIYA and burns it. So the challenge is set for the Hardy Compound: The Elite Deletion. I guess Matt Hardy must have been a fan of those matches at Wrestlemania because that sounds like a clear ripoff.

Brodie Lee v. Lee Johnson

Lee beats on the ham-and-egger with the big boot and a slingshot senton, then hurls him with a suplex. Truckstop and discus lariat finish at 1:23.

TNT title tournament round one: Shawn Spears v. Cody Rhodes

Cody grabs a headlock as Jericho buries Aubrey Edwards for “telling him what to do” during the match instead of shutting up and doing what he wants. Like a good ref should do! Also, Cody asked for the graphic on the back of his trunks, but the tattoo artist was drunk and gave him the abomination on his neck instead. I’m learning a lot from Jericho. Cody goes for the leg and Spears escapes to the floor for some words with Billy Gunn. So Spears throws a chair into the ring and Cody hits him with the Cody Cutter for two. Cody with a front suplex for one while Jericho wonders if Cody will go after the Women’s title once he loses here. Spears with a rollup for two, but Cody chops him in the corner and puts him down with a big boot for two. Jericho notes that you’re not going to beat anyone with “artsy-fartsy amateur wrestling BS” while Cody works the count on him. Moonsault misses as Spears is playing possum, and Jericho relates the terrifying tale of finding a real possum at his mansion the other day. “Did you release the hounds on it?” Tony asks, showing the kind of hard-hitting followup questions that makes him a true wrestling journalist. We take a break and return with Spears working him over. They head to the floor and Spears pulls up a guard rail and puts it on the apron, then suplexes Cody onto it before we head back into the ring. Cody fires up and slugs away, then hits a powerslam for two. Jericho is very complimentary of the ability of the Rhodes family’s ability to make a comeback, he does note that Cody’s mom has a slap in the face coming. Cody with the disaster kick for two and we take a break. Back with Cody taking it to the floor and finding a table under the ring. Shawn escapes from that, but gets tied up by “Pineapple Pete” at ringside so Cody get some shots in. They head back in and Shawn brings Cody in with a superplex, as Jericho is FIRED UP about stuff. Brandi gets involved and Cody nearly knocks her through the table, which allows Spears to put Cody through the table instead with the death valley driver. Jericho: “IT’S YOUR FAULT, BRANDI!” Also Jericho slagging “Pineapple Pete” gets funnier every time he does it. Cody beats the count at 9 (isn’t it a 20 count in AEW anyway?) and escapes the death valley driver, then hits a pair of Cross Roads for two. Jericho is impressed with the CANADIAN TENACITY of Spears, but Cody gets the figure-four and Spears is pinned at 20:50. So Cody is off to the semis and we’re out with one last “Cody Exotic” insult from Jericho. Felt a little long but they worked hard and it was an entertaining match. ***1/4

Well that Best Friends match was something else, but the rest of the show was a rollicking good time for the most part thanks to the amazing commentary team of Schiavone and Jericho, and kept me entertained.