Who I Am and Who I’m Not

I’ve been reading through the titles of a lot of the journals on here and a lot of people are writing about who they are so it got me thinking. Who am I? What is my purpose in this life? I am a lot of things. Some I know for certain and others I am still figuring out. I am a mom, a student, a worker, a friend, a girlfriend, a relative; those things I know for certain. I am goofy and weird, I am outgoing but can be shy at times, I am mature and carry myself well but I’m not afraid to be my weird self around others. I am very bad at saving money and I wish I wasn’t. I’m very good at spending money and I wish I wasn’t. I can be flirtatious at times but I always remain faithful. I am a low-maintenance type of friend and girlfriend. Sometimes I just want to lay in bed and watch movies all day. Other times I like to go out and have fun but I don’t always need to be doing something in order to have fun. I’m very laidback and am pretty much up for anything all the time.

When junior year of high school came around, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life. I had been going back and forth between wanting to be a special ed teacher or not knowing what I wanted. I didn’t know what college I wanted to go to and it was starting to freak me out. Second semester of that year, I got pregnant with my son. Throughout my whole pregnancy, I received a lot of support from my friends and family which helped me more than they will ever know. I overheard my cousin one day saying that she was majoring in social work. I never really knew what social work was about until I asked my mom and she explained to me what it was. I thought, “hey! I could do that!”. It was then that I decided that I was going to be a social worker. After I had my son, I applied to a private in-state college that was only fifteen minutes from my house and I got accepted. I graduated on time with my class and began college that fall. During my first semester, I thought that I was going to focus on kids and maybe work in DCS. I quickly thought that I wouldn’t be able to emotionally do that and then come home to my son who’s got a good family so I decided to change it. As the year continued, I thought more about the support that I had received and finally settled on my population: teen pregnancy and teen parents. I believe that my purpose in life is to be the person to give those teens the same support that I received because a lot of them don’t get that. They need someone in their lives that’s going to push them to succeed in life. I am more than excited to be that person for them.

But even though there are things I know about myself and what I want to do, there are still things that I don’t know and don’t understand. I don’t understand why I can’t stick to a diet for more than a day knowing that it’s only going to keep me farther away from my goal. I don’t understand why I still have depression after so many years and so many happy things going on in my life. I don’t understand why I’m never on time for anything, even when I have time to be on time. I don’t understand why I’m never happy with the way I look; never have and probably never will. I don’t understand why some days I’m confident and others I’m not. I don’t understand why I’m so impatient.

There are so many things I don’t understand about myself and I probably never will. I’m still learning about how to be okay with that but right now, I’m not. I know who I am and I know who I’m not and that, I am okay with.