Congratulations, college graduates! Surely you're wondering: What advice could a reprobate sports columnist possibly have? Isn't there a worthier candidate to address you—perhaps a Nobel winner, a head of state or at least someone you vaguely recognize from "Project Runway"? Would any university really be this desperate? Where is Ryan Seacrest? Doesn't Ryan Seacrest have anything to say? What about Ryan Seacrest's personal chef?

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Charles Wheelan checks in on Mean Street with some advice for the Class of 2012: pay very close attention, because there are key things you need to know that you won't learn by simply donning a cap and gown. Photo: AP.

But I'm not going to try and gloss this up. Your graduation is a special time. But your special time lasts about 60 more minutes—maybe 90 if you have some gassy trustees who don't know when to stop talking. The second your cap and gown hit the pavement, you're just like the rest of us, more hungry souls trapped in line at Chipotle. Behind me. I got here first.

Advice columns like this appear from time to time—the most famous is Mary Schmich's amazing "Wear Sunscreen," published in 1997; it's impossible not to be influenced by it—and you will encounter mentors who will urge you to master trapeze and walk barefoot to Barcelona and play Scrabble with dolphins. But I figure you want something practical. Something inspirational, but also something you can use. Here goes:

1. Relax. Nobody expects anything from you for the first 80 to 90 years.

2. Good news: It totally doesn't matter that you barely cracked "The Grapes of Wrath" or "Light in August" sophomore year. It's never going to come up. Ever. You're safe now.

3. You're going to buy a bad bed. You can't help it. You just graduated college. You don't know anything about beds. You're going to sleep on the worst bed for at least seven years. It might even be a horrible futon. This will be funny later.

4. No matter how hard you try to stop it, you're going to end up watching "Jerry Maguire" and "Con Air" at least 1,300 times on cable.

5. You can mispronounce "nadir" and "banal" for the rest of your life, and it's OK, because nobody really knows how to pronounce "nadir" or "banal."

6. You can under-Karaoke, but definitely don't over-Karaoke.

7. While you're still young, stay up to watch the end of "Monday Night Football." After the age of 35, it's physically impossible.

8. Never enter an IKEA without your game face on.

9. Life is too short to be a Miami Marlin.

10. The job market is fierce right now, but if you're lucky to get an interview, you can set yourself apart from the crowd by wearing shorts and flip-flops to the interview. Trust me on this. Everyone loves shorts and flip-flops—especially if you start the interview by kicking the flip-flops up on top of the interviewer's desk, then yawning loudly before opening a tin of Pringles.

11. If you get a job, don't speak for the first 48 months on the job. Cultivate an air of mystery. By year two, start dressing in a Minnesota Timberwolves road uniform and carrying a bird on your shoulder. Feed the bird live fish in the office kitchen. Continue to not talk.

12. Don't be impressed by people's fancy houses or boats. Houseboats, fine. Because houseboats are amazing.

13. You don't have to let the boss win at golf. You do have to let bosses talk about their vacations to Patagonia and the 100-mile bike rides they did last weekend. Sorry. You just have to.

14. Don't sweat being current about music. Three or four Sam Cooke records and you're set for life.

15. Your 20s are not the time to be babbling about a hot new restaurant with the amaaaaazing chef. That's what 40s are for.

16. In social settings, never argue about politics, religion or your fantasy draft.

17. Don't spend too much time worrying about the approval of Bill Belichick.

18. Talk to animals. Because you never know.

19. The human experience is too beautiful to waste by being profound on Twitter. Wow, that is profound. Please tweet that.

20. The most important thing you own right now? Your bluejeans. Twenty-five years from now, if you pull out those bluejeans, and fit into them, you are going to run around your house like you won the Super Bowl in overtime.

21. Every once in a while, you're going to throw a bad dinner party. You've got to shake them off, like blowout losses.

22. Doughnuts come in and out of your life, like past loves. You never really say goodbye to doughnuts.

23. Remember, life can be cruel: You may work very hard, be polite and kind to your colleagues, respectful to your employers, win a playoff game…and the Broncos and Jets will still dump you.

24. Spend a summer sleeping out underneath the stars. Or just Facebook that you did.

25. The future is going to rock your world. By the time you are in your 50s there may be humans living on Mars. And Derrick Rose may be back playing for the Chicago Bulls.

26. When the waiter asks, "Another round of margaritas?" the answer is always, "Another round of margaritas."

27. The two greatest moments in life are indeed what everyone says they are: the birth of your first child and the time in the hotel when you ate an entire room-service pizza by yourself.

28. To be real for a moment: Don't listen to rules. Anyone you admire in life almost surely made a significant choice, somewhere along the way, to break the rules, to be brave and do things differently, and change their world.

29. Refer always to Rule 28. It is really the only rule. OK, also the thing about the margaritas.

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