Each week, Josh Duboff looks at the biggest celebrity news—and amuses himself by imagining how those celebrities might have reacted.

Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes name their daughter Esmeralda.

Ryan Gosling cradles Esmeralda at night before putting her to bed. He’s wearing a greasy white T-shirt and has a toothpick in his mouth. “Your life is one ripe peach waiting to be consumed, Esmeralda,” he mutters. “You’re on a motorcycle on a highway and it’s dark and you’ve got a jacket on and there’s no one on your tail—other than the passage of time, other than the disappointments of your past. You’re a bank robber, baby, to use a metaphor I’m fond of, and when you get to that safe, you’ve just got to crack it open, because nobody is going—”

Ryan hears steps and turns to see Eva enter the room. His voice goes up an octave as he continues: “And that’s why you’re the cutest little thing your papa and your mama have ever seen, aren’t you, you little baby bumblebee?”

Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are expecting their first child.

Scarlett Johansson turns to fiancé Romain Dauriac as they walk daughter Rose in a stroller to the park. “Watch, I’m calling it now: she’s going to name it Lily or Violet or Daffodil.”

“Sure, I’m sure,” Romain says. They cross the street. “Wait, who are we talking about?”

“Blake, Romain.”

“Oh, right, right. Yes, she will definitely name it after a flower. She took that role you wanted, and now she’ll take your baby name.”

“No, Romain. You’re thinking of someone else—I know who you think it is, but not her. Blake’s the one who’s married to Ryan now.” They arrive at the entrance to the park.

Katy Perry reportedly to perform the Super Bowl halftime show this year.

Miley Cyrus stirs around the Froot Loops in her cereal bowl. She yells for her assistant, who quickly scurries into the kitchen, out of breath. “Yes, Miley. I have the hamsters in a small cage outside like you asked for.”

“Thanks, but this is about something else. Where’s the Super Bowl this year?”

“Um, Arizona, I think.”

“Cool, very cool. So, I want you to book me a flight to Arizona that same weekend. I want you to reserve—what’s, like, the most messed up place in Arizona? Isn’t that where Breaking Bad filmed?”

“I think they actually filmed in—”

“I want to do a concert in Walter White’s meth lab, the same night as the Super Bowl. I want inflatables; I want drag queens; I want corn on the cob and streamers and Natalie Imbruglia. We’re going to be the only thing anyone talks about.”

George calls wife Amal Alamuddin when he gets back to his hotel, as he lays on his bed in his suit. “Hi hon, how’s London?”

“Fine,” Amal says, “It’s almost midnight here.”

“Right, right. Well, I went to Comic-Con today.”

“I know. I got the Google Alert.”

George laughs. “Well, what you don’t know from the Google Alerts is that I met an entire family dressed like Shrek. All of them: husband, wife, three kids, dog. I took a picture, but can’t figure out how to send it from this goddamn thing.”

“Well, I had to prepare for two different depositions all day. I’m still in the office, actually.”

“Oh! I’ll have some champagne sent over.”

“That’s fine, George, really. It’s not really a celebratory occasion. It’s just a night in the office.”

“O.K., well I’ll let you get to it. Goodnight, wife.” He laughs. “I still feel like some sort of nobleman from the 18th century when I say that.”

“Good night, George.” She hangs up the phone, and finishes off the bourbon in a glass on her desk.

Gwyneth Paltrow says she is “psyched” that Martha Stewart sees her as competition. A few days later, she hosts a fundraiser for Barack Obama, during which she says he is “so handsome” she “can’t speak properly.”

Gwyneth texts Cameron Diaz: hola

Gwyneth: wanna come over for margaritas later

Cameron: yah sure cool

Cameron: I’d be “psyched”

Cameron: get it?

Gwyneth: yes cameron

Cameron: is your boyf obama still over

Gwyneth: wow have u been taking improv classes, you are just replete with jokes

Cameron: you are the only person I know who would use the word “replete” in a text message

Cameron: freak :)

Gwyneth: if you don’t get here soon, I am going to make you return my cream capris

Gwyneth: I saw you got papped in them three different days this week!!!!

Cameron: damn

Cameron: maybe I’ll go hang out with Nicole or chelsea instead

Gwyneth: oh please, you know if you do you guys will just spend the whole time talking about me