3/30/2010

Huzzah

Heyyyy-oooooo! I've swept away the cobwebs and stomped on the spiders inhabiting this space. They will surely take up residence again when I've left this to rot for another few months. So, ignore the tumbleweeds, but don't get too excited and think that I have much of note to say.

Where have I been...yes, where have I been. I have been trying to get pregnant in the UK or employed in the US, consistently failed, had mini-breakdowns, resolved to smite my ovaries because they are bastards, cursed US higher education institutions for being close-minded (or perhaps just exhibiting good sense), adoring my magnificent daughter, resuming my MA in Art History, consequently not getting enough sleep, shunning blogging in favour of the ease and lack of commitment of Facebook, and not running enough. I think that about covers it.

Since I last blogged in January, I made some decisions. As alluded to above, I decided to give equal effort to the two things I want - a second child and a job in the US. Neither one of those options seem too keen to get things moving, but at least I am attempting to take action so that something will hopefully happen. Eventually. I bought myself one of those nifty Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitors that does all the hard work for me, because I tried the temp thing the first go round and it was all a bit much of a to-do. I barely even know what day it is or where I'm supposed to be, I'm sure as hell not put together enough to taking my temp before my eyes even open and then drafting it on a damn chart.

I'll tell you something else - I always said that I was a completely rubbish infertile, and you'll be pleased to know that is still the case. I never used OPKs before now, and I have no idea what the lines on the wee sticks even mean. No clue. I hold them up to the light every morning, trying to glean what knowledge exactly, I have no idea. I angle them against the skylight, squint, furrow my brow, draw no conclusions whatsoever, and put them in the bin. Thank god the little machine tells me my business or else I'd have no clue. The penis goes where?

I have been trying not to think about what happens after failure. I have very quickly fallen back into the mentality that pregnancy is something which happens to other people rather than me. I may have been pregnant before, but like a lot of things, the passage of time wears away memories slowly. I can barely remember that time with any accuracy, and though the evidence of my successful pregnancy is constantly smacking my ass and saying "Hey sugarbum" with a flawless Southern accent, I seem to disassociate her with the actual process of being pregnant.

Between cycles I don't much care which comes first - pregnancy or job. After a failed cycle, well, woebetide the poor Dude, who is relegated to a support position which largely involves staring blankly at me while I rage. Ah, the good old days, eh?

So yes, I'm back in this IF sphere again, begrudgingly. I might even stick around for a bit. Who am I kidding? I'll be here for years. I hope to put off the fun stuff like wandings and flashing my doctor for at least a little while, but I'll need somewhere to vent the reality. Facebook is crawling with work folk, family, and severe Christ-worshippers who would fall of their pews if they knew what I'm really like. I need this blog for that, as short of personal emails, this is still the only place where I can be me.

Hey, I'm on FB too (gods help me, I'm watching Trisha on SeeSaw at the moment - I want to surf the net and not pay attention, so Trisha seemed appropriate), and if you friend me, I can guarantee I won't remember who the hell you are. I do not, however, post under the Oro nick, so maybe we could do the email thang and exchange details?

Dear Pru, at least you know *I* would never give you a hard time about not posting...

I wish you so much luck with your endeavors. As for the repatriation one, I'm very curious how you'd feel upon returning -- it's sometimes a bit tricky when you've lived in another country so long, even when you've been planning to return for ages. (It happened to Bill Bryson -- after missing the US for years, he felt out of place when he moved back, and is now back in England.) Of course, it can go both ways, as just my circle of friends proves. And I hope your outcome is just right for you.

As for the other thing, well, I'm all about the Clearblue, and followed its dictates religiously, even if it meant being a bit cruel at times: "I know it's past one in the morning, and I know you've got a migraine, but this is NOT ABOUT YOU." (Well, maybe I didn't put it exactly that way, but the situation is not fictional.) And if I hadn't done that to the poor guy that day, I would now be singing "Yes, we have no Banana, we have no Banana today."

Sorry. I'm a bit punchy from lack of sleep.

And how come your last post -- the one from JANUARY -- only now showed up in my feed reader, along with this one??

Welcome back to the insanity! I've never been able to get OPKs to work. I've never been able to convince my doctors of that fact, either. Back during my IVF cycle, the nurse (the idiot who also didn't believe that I have major issues with cysts) told me I needed to start peeing on OPKs so that I could possibly get myself knocked up during the cycle prep for the IVF... yeah. Great idea, dude. Did you miss the part where I told you that (1)OPKs don't EVER work for me and (2)um, my husband's sperm SUCKS ASS? Or how about the part where the "follicle" you just saw was probably a CYST because I'm prone to CYSTS and I *told* you that on alternating months, my cycles are 26 and then 29 days and that this month's cycle would be a 29 day cycle and that I would be ovulating late, which means that on day 11 when you saw the "follicle" that IT WAS PROBABLY A CYST???

Um, yeah. I have no harsh feelings about OPKs and stupid nurses who don't believe that they just don't work for some people... clearly.

Regardless, welcome back. Here's hoping that the Clear Blue monitor does the trick!

Good for you, for making decisions - and acting on them. Too bad the desired results are not forthcoming.

I have no experience with OPK's, our diagnosis being what it is, I won't have any use for them either. Temping I tried way back when, though none of the doctors I spoke to were impressed by this technique.

If you do move to the U.S. in the near future, will ART still be available to you? Or is it hardly an option now?

I've found that all the negative feelings that come with IF came rushing back to me when we started again. The belief that it could work again I lost very quickly after the first failures. Sigh.

Yey - you are back! I'm no help on opks - never worked them out. I had beautiful charts though - thoroughly text book cycles - f' all use however for successful conception. And I had one of those machiney things - ditto. Hoping you have better luck.