I want to have a threesome but I'm worried about how I look. Any advice?

Jessi Fischer is a writer, academic dilettante, public speaker and sex educator for universities, high schools and outreach organizations. Full Bio

Q:

I am a 47-year-old female and my husband is 53. I have never had an adventurous sex life, but at this time in my life, I would like to engage in a threesome (male, female, female). My husband is very open to the idea. My dilemma is this: I have had twins who, together, weighed almost 13 pounds. You can imagine what that did to my stomach. I feel like I am attractive other than that. How do I get past the self-consciousness of this issue? And are there real people who would not be turned off by this? Also, where would I even start to embark on this little adventure?

A:Pause for a moment and think about all of the amazing aspects of your body. I’ll give you a few to start with. Number one: You contain a production space and half of the materials for making more of you. Amazing biology at work. Number two: Because you're a woman, you have a higher potential for multiple orgasms. Number Three: Clitoris. I mean, seriously, you have a body part that baffles male scientists because it has no other observable purpose than to give you intense amounts of pleasure. Reflect on that for a moment because it is powerful. This is on top of the vast potential for giving and receiving pleasure with all of the other square inches of your body, which I guess should be counted as Amazing Aspect Number Four.

We can get pretty wrapped up in thinking that our bodies are only meant to provide people with visual pleasure, but think about the last time you had sex. Were you watching your husband from a distance, or were you pressing your flesh against his and feeling all of him? The first part to getting over any self consciousness is learning to think about what your body does for you (first and foremost) and what it can do for your sexual partners. I have a feeling this threesome you’re interested in will not involve all parties sitting in secluded corners of the room watching each other.

As far as real people with the same issues: YES. You’re describing a huge chunk of the population at large. Who hasn’t felt bad about the way they thought they looked to others? Embrace your mommy figure. Touch it and think: "This is all the sexy that maternal should bring." Have your husband do the same, as many times as you want to get you into the headspace for your "little adventure."

When you feel ready to find a partner, you have a few options but be sure to talk to your husband first about boundaries. Is it fine to partner up with someone you see all the time? Perhaps someone several degrees removed? Or even a complete stranger? You can go through your social circles or you can find people far outside of that realm by way of the Internet (gasp!) or just going out to social events. If you want to go the latter route, make lots of friends and be super patient and understanding since a tertiary sexual partner is not found overnight. (Bisexual women interested in MFF threesomes are called unicorns for a reason.) Depending on where you live, finding someone who’d love to spend a night or two (or more) will have its varying levels of difficulty. Just be gracious and confident and you may succeed in a new adventure together.