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Recently, I’ve made a few observations since I started going to the gym again. I’ve had my starts and stops with this love-hate relationship regarding physical exertion — like many folks I’m guessing. I stopped going last year due to my rationalization that it took 25 minutes to get there — plus it made my body just ache. Well lo and behold, a new Planet Fitness was conveniently built less than 10 minutes from where I live — so that excuse has now been eliminated completely and I’m back.

Having less than stellar knees, I don’t do a list of complex things when I go other than the treadmill. I walk (as opposed to jog) to lessen direct knee impact and my current frequency averages 3 times a week. I do walk quickly enough to burn about 300-400 calories an hour, which equates to about a bite of the nuclear-sized donuts at the Amish Farmers Market next door.

But this observation of mine isn’t about calories, sweat or even the hot guy in the tight blue shirt doing arm curls in the weight area. It’s about Race — the other love-hate relationship I have.

When I do my walking on the treadmill, I don’t plug into the 3 million television sets overhead because I need a rhythm to walk. I have my earbuds plugged into my favorite deep house sounds to keep the pace up enough so I can burn the fat which will allow me to enjoy a donut later.

So anyway, I’m “viewing” the TVs overhead because it helps pass the time and with the closed caption feature on them, I can watch and get a general gist of what most programs are about. Again, not the subject of my observation.

A commercial comes on the cbs station about a new film coming out called “Race.” It’s about the adversity that track and field star Jesse Owens had to overcome in the 1936 Berlin Olympics. The word “Race” is stark in the ad and while the story is about running races and racial inequality, I’m uncomfortable with the use of the word and how it’s most likely being used as a halfway clever ploy to get people to notice the film. Once again, not the observation I’m making here, but it DID make me take a look at the rest of the TVs all at once.

As I watched a diverse mix of game shows, crime-recreation shows, cooking, talk, news and sports interview shows — I couldn’t help but notice the disproportionate number of minority faces on the tube. Seriously, the percentage of faces like mine were ghostly absent. At 11:30 am., 9 out of 10 sets overhead at the gym were full of minority faces. Faces in commercials too. Women, men, children as actors, spokespeople, contestants and chefs of every nationality flooded my workout way of thinking.

With all of this diversity in my face, I couldn’t help but think about the recent racial complaint where the Academy Awards Committee was accused of snubbing the black community while favoring “white” produced films. The complaint where Jada Pinkett and Spike Lee — who coincidentally have both used the same white community to bankroll their own projects — decided to boycott the Oscar show.

I get defensive about these types of blanket positions mostly because — well, I’m white. I know about the privilege thing (I’m constantly reminded), I understand the pay disparities, I even realize that I don’t take offense to that nod between male members of the black race when I’m with my black husband and I turn invisible.

What I don’t get is when I’m inundated with sound bytes about how racism continues in the entertainment and sports communities. I’m told it’s unfair and disproportionate. The TVs at my gym tell me otherwise. And on a side note — I wonder why so much of the advertising to the black community transpires during this daytime hour.

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My car is in the shop which means I get to use Daryl’s car for the day. My first task is making sure he gets to school by 8:00 am. I literally throw together some clothes to wear. I grab an army green pair of sweats with last years living room paint all over them and a ripped waist-band. Hardly awake, I manage to grab a “Jakes Bar” tee shirt in the dark. I don’t have time to shower and barely shove a wet toothbrush down my throat. I manage to wrestle with a pair of white athletic socks I stepped on lying on the floor and locate my brown dress shoes near the front door.

As I stumble down the outside stairs I catch my reflection in the glass-doored entrance to our building of condos. My hair has been pushed into some unnatural sculpture resembling a cross between a 50’s beehive and a Billy Idol video. My glasses are somewhat askew, and at the risk of sounding politically incorrect, I look like a refugee that’s washed up on the shore of some country that’s going to turn me away. This is not good.

As we’re driving to his school, Daryl proceeds to tell me about a dream he had last night that included some obnoxious tipping for a relative who was dressed as a waiter (server) providing us with a half a glass of Coke (no alcohol.) Can this day get much worse?

As we pull up to the school Daryl sees another teacher and blurts,”Oh look! Miss Carol got her hair cut! It looks great.” At which point I slink deeper down into my seat and quip, “Please don’t introduce me to anyone this morning. I look like shit.” To which my Husband retorts, “Oh don’t worry. You don’t have to tell me twice.”

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by Ed Williams
I need my coffee this morning. I’m up extra early today. Hell, it’s still dark out. For some reason, I scheduled myself for an 8:00 am dentist appointment. And it’s 20 minutes away. What was I thinking?

I usually do that. On my day off, I schedule doctors visits, blood work, and prostate exams all before the day really gets started. I think it’s because I read somewhere that human beings are capable of tolerating more pain in the morning. Obviously, whomever did that study never had a good hangover.

I also like to get these things out of the way. I don’t like anticipating pain or discomfort. Once, I actually talked myself out of doctor’s appointment that was scheduled in the afternoon because I had too much time to think about it.

Circle back to caffeine. Or lack of. I didn’t have time to relax with my second cup of joe this morning. I barely gulped down half the first. When I don’t have my second cup, I don’t feel complete. I get edgy. I end up looking for things to tick me off. I’ve been known to push the cat off the bed because she looks too comfortable. If my car doesn’t turn over at the first twist of the key, I freak out. I’ll shoot nasty looks at school age children playing in the road while waiting for their bus. All situations that I normally handle well when the level of caffeine is sufficient. If not, it just becomes ugly and I google anger management videos.

So as I’m sitting is the dentist chair watching the sun come up and waiting for the novocaine to kick in, I wonder. What if my dentist hasn’t had his second cup of coffee? If my dentist gets grumpy, will he slip? I don’t fancy a drill slipping and ripping my gum to shreds. What if he’s tired? What if he uses the wrong drill size? Dear God, what if he’s hungover and hasn’t had coffee? Dentists must drink heavily after looking into people’s mouths all the time. What if he stayed up too late playing bonus levels of Candy Crush and he’s extra tired? I hope he doesn’t take his lack of coffee issues out on me.

Obviously, I have too much time to ponder this terrible situation as the numbness takes effect and I attempt to spit graciously into the bowl as a stubborn string of saliva refuses to disconnect itself from my lower lip. And that’s a run-on sentence. And I need to pee.

I wish they’d get this procedure done quickly, so I can hit up a hazelnut at Wawa.

As if anyone would question those statements. When I run into people at parties, at the supermarket, even on the street, I hear, “I love your Posts! They make me laugh, cry, or just get pissed and unfriend people. ”

I know how to blog, post, InstaGram, tweet, I can pin like there’s no tomorrow, and I even tried that Snapchat for about a week until I discovered those … um graphic images don’t always just “disappear.”

I enjoy checking my social media stats, seeing how many views, visitors, and followers I get. I’m not sure if it’s a need, or an unhealthy obsession, but I do it. I grew up in an environment where everything was charted, graphed, and counted by numbers. Get over it.

To me, Twitter seems to be the most difficult for me to integrate. I use it to follow politicians, the occasional sports figure, and many of my favorite soap opera stars. I like diversity.

Imagine my pleasant surprise when I discovered that I have a new follower on Twitter! I’m not so sure I’m crazy about this one though…

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I love it when people say how some folks put way too much information out there in social media world. First of all, I’m glad that’s not me. Second, I forgot the health care aisle in my buzzed grocery shopping trip last night. Third, I hope no one looks at my list if I ever lose my phone.

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I’ve always had this personal fear that someday, somehow, some WAY, I’m going to be found out as a fake. A fraud. I believe it comes from some inner insecurity that maybe I’m just not good enough.

I think we must all go through that at one time or another. At least, that’s what I’m hoping. I’d hate to think it was only me. It isn’t just me. Right? Emoticon wink.

I’ve been in the process of a true personal evolution (as opposed to a false one). I’m not completely sure if it came from a latent New Years resolution, or perhaps some misguided third times the charm mid life crisis, but it’s here. And I’m a little frightened.

I am fast approaching 58 (does my age make the mid life crisis a mute point?), and I’ve come to the realization that I want to do something I actually like… make that LOVE, for this autumn season of my world. The interesting part (I say interesting because ridiculous sounds too negative) is that I’m not quite sure what it is I actually WANT to do?

Again, I’m guessing (make that desperately hoping) that some of YOU struggle with this as well. If not, well, then consider this yet another coming out story.

One of the problems I have is that I still believe that I’m a spry 18 year old on the inside. It’s when I pass those God awful mirror reflections where my Dad seems to make his appearance (God rest his soul) and I refuse to admit that man is me. Did I just use the word God twice in a sentence? Would that be considered a double negative to an atheist? Do I capitalize atheist? I digress. Squirrel!

Anyway…

I’m looking to change what I do “for a living?” That being challenging enough, I have what I THINK is loads of talent that I just don’t know how to channel into a way that makes sense. A way that I would feel is authentic. To me. To you. And also, a way that would make money.

So I continue to deal with the notion that any day now, I’m going to wake up to finger pointing whisperers who are laughing at how inadequate I am. At how silly I look out here struggling to find “my sense of self.” I hear snickers of “he can’t do that, he’s past his prime,” and “how immature to think he can just drop his current financial freedom (herein known as living paycheck to paycheck) to actually “pursue a dream.” “What a phony. What a fraud.”

I’m not looking for reassurance, I assure you. At least, not from you. I’m searching for reassurance from me. I want to bust out of the closet AGAIN, to become who I’m meant to be. Isn’t that what we all want? Don’t we all want to be authentic? To be true to ourselves? Don’t we all hide pieces of us that we sort of hold back on for fear of ridicule, or laughter. Like tripping in the cafeteria at 9th grade lunch.

I’m overwhelmed with paths I want to take at this point in my life. But I’m going to find one. One that works. It may not be that great American novel, but it will be MY journey. Maybe that’s what I’m so afraid of. I’ve always had a direction. A goal. A destination ahead. The path of always being in control. Always certain.

It’s so scary for a control freak like me. To enjoy the process now. To continue to listen to my heart (maybe I’m not a fraud after all), to go with the flow (I hate cliches), to make a plan (let’s be somewhat realistic here), and to live in the moment.

I’m fortunate that I have a husband who continuously supports me (some say support, some say blind love. Potato. Potahto.) And I DO get such lovely feedback from the social media community (is there a name for that in the urban dictionary?) So here goes.

Wish me luck.

Not sure why I chose this photo.
Maybe I’m shocked because I need a manicure.