The main problem, as I've said before, is that every MP's circumstances are different. Those of us who got elected in 2005 will be paying an awful lot more on mortgages or rent on their London flats than people who were elected decades ago and bought properties then.

My heart fucking bleeds, Kerry. Would you like a hankey so that you can wipe away those bitter fucking tears?

Now you listen up, Kez, and you listen good: you people ramp your salary and your expenses up way above inflation every single fucking year. How do you think that ordinary working people—those people that you claim to represent—are coping in London? Don't you think that they are paying massively increased rents, and on salaries considerably less than yours?

The median salary in this country is about £23,000. That's about what you get in second home allowance alone, on top of your £61,000 salary—I'm sorry, but are you asking me to sympathise with you, or something?

You aren't entitled to buy a second home at our expense, you know; it's not a fucking Human Right to be able to afford to buy when millions can't, and it's certainly not a Human Right to force those millions of people to finance and furnish your home-owing ambitions. Seriously, you people make me fucking ill.

At the moment there's nothing stopping someone who has paid off their mortgage, or has a very small mortgage, from using part of the Additional Costs Allowance (which is about £22-23k p.a.) to buy a £10k kitchen.

Well, apart from honour; but then we know that honour is an alien concept to you bunch of venal, corrupt fucking cunts, don't we? The last few weeks has amply demonstrated that.

Very few of the 2005-ers, or MPs who need a second family-sized home rather than the tiny flats most of us occupy, would be in that position.

No, I'm really going to need that tissue. I'm sorry for crying but... you know... I'm just so cut up by Kerry's hardluck story. Oh... I'm sobbing like a little girl with a skinned knee...

I don't know quite know what the solutions are. I just want it to be resolved soon, not least to stop David "£13m family fortune" Cameron's shameless attempts to make political capital out of it.

Look, love, if you seriously think that Cameron's going to make any capital out of this, then you are sorely mistaken. I mean, which party did Derek Conway belong to? Oh, was that the Conservatives? I think it might be.

MPs: fucking you over. Tell me, how do you like them apples? Personally, I think that they taste a little sour: maybe I should have bought them from John Lewis...

No, Kerry sweetheart, you know who's making political capital out of this? It's people like me who maintain that every single one of you is so irredeemably corrupt that the only place that you are going to feel at home is in Mugabe's Zimbabwe.

The people making political capital out of your venality and dishonesty are bloggers who maintain that the only solution is to cut your pay and your allowances and, if that doesn't work, to hang you all.

"Sadly, we're all so used to corrupt politicians saying one thing and then doing another, that we would understand if you were to wonder why you should trust in our integrity. Don't—test us. Until some honesty has returned to public life, we will require that any candidate standing for election in the name of the Libertarian Party will make the following commitments:

the full details of any and all expenses that they claim in the execution of their duties will be disclosed in their entirety on this website within 30 days of being incurred

they will not employ their spouse, or any other member of immediate family, using public funds

they will not participate in any pension scheme associated with their public position

they will not accept offers of hospitality, travel junkets or similar freebies, which could be seen as an attempt by any individual or organisation to gain influence or favour

Whilst placing restrictions over and above the current state of the law on our candidates is distinctly unlibertarian, as a party we are prepared to swallow our principles on this to ensure that you, the public, don't have to keep swallowing yours in respect of how the political class currently abuse our trust."

You all know me: do you think that I will be corrupted by these fuckers? Or do you trust me to do as we say: to publish my expenses in full and within thirty days? Do you trust this humble Devil not to abuse your money, not to shove his snout in the trough? Do you trust my word as a gentleman?

Because I give you my word, right now, that, were I elected, I would not illegally or egregiously enrich myself at your expense.

In the meantime, one can only wait with baited breath to see if wee Kerry can beat her personal expenses record: in 2006/07 she managed to spunk away £155,487 of our cash. Do I hear any takers for £160,000 for 2007/08...?

Just in case you would like to know, I pay £9,000 per year, plus £960 Council Tax (not including 25% discount) for my large, one-person flat in Brixton. Is it viable for Westminster? Well, it takes me no longer than 45 minutes to get to the House, door to door. So I'd say that was viable, wouldn't you?

The Additional Costs Allowance (cost of staying away from main home/ ACA) is paid to reimburse Members for necessary costs incurred when staying overnight away from their main home for the purpose of performing parliamentary duties.

Where the bloody hell are you renting, Kerry, my dear?—fucking Mayfair? Or have you bought yourself a nice little flat somewhere central? Well, I say "flat", but at £21,760 per annum, it's probably more like a decent sized house*. Anyway, Kez, do tell us, so that we might stand in line to congratulate you on using our money to do what so many of us cannot...

Whatever the situation, I cannot help but feel that darling Kerry's definition of "necessary costs" is rather different to mine. But then, I'm not a corrupt, talentless hypocrite out to stuff as much taxpayers' money into my pocket as I can before the gravy train grinds to a halt.

However much she spends, I imagine that we can look forward to many more whining fucking blog posts about how Kezza just can't buy where she wants for love nor (our) money in London these days. Just like the rest of us, in fact. It's just that, with nearly £23,000 per year in expenses to spend, Kezza has a much bigger budget than most of us.

* Assuming an interest rate of 5.5%, a £400,000 mortgage would cost roughly £22,000 per year. I doubt that Kerry would actually stump up any of the cash out of her salary—salaries are not for living costs: that's what expenses are for. Obviously. So we can assume that one of the following is true:

Kerry has bought a property with a mortgage of a little less than £400,000, or

Kerry is renting a small fucking palace in Mayfair (or somewhere equally expensive and prole-free), or

Kerry is renting somewhere reasonable and claiming vastly more than the rent is costing her.

I'm absolutely sure that it's not the last of these options because that would be... well... fraud. And MPs would never, ever commit fraud, would they?

19 comments:

Anonymous
said...

If MPs need somewhere to live while they're in London, couldn't we just buy a couple of blocks of flat in London (sixties brutalist shite for preference), outfit them with the basics you need to live and allow each MP to live in one of these flats while he's in London?

There'd be no need for any fucking second-home expenses then. And certainly no need for taxpayer-funded plasma televisions.

In the medium to long term, it'd be a gigantic saving. We could even bill the fuckers if they make a mess. And if we ever wanted to burn them all alive, we'd know where they were...

In the meantime, one can only wait with baited breath to see if wee Kerry can beat her personal expenses record: in 2006/07 she managed to spunk away £155,487 of our cash. Do I hear any takers for £160,000 for 2007/08...?

As you might put it DK fucking hellski! This greedy bastard needs to be kicked into touch at the earliest opportunity. For the life of me I have never understood why anyone would vote socialist. Well other than clients of the state with a vested interest obliviously.

I note she has not allowed anonymous comments! No surprises there though as you can imagine the response from her constituents when they see how deep her snout is in the trough. These bastards make my blood boil.

I'm liking the first commenter's idea. The amount these whining sacks of shite can claim never ceases to make my blood boil and the fact that this bitch feels she has been hard done by just proves that she should be horsewhipped round the borders of Bristol before being put in the stocks for a month. Does the stupid bitch seriously think that the cost of living has gone up for MPs who came in in 2005 and no one else? D'you know, she probably does because hardly any of the money grabbing weasels bother looking at the interests of anyone but themselves.

Darling Kerry is the MP for Bristol East: I wonder if the Clifton suspension bridge (one of Brunel's finest engineering achievements, which is saying something: the man is one of my absolute heroes) is in her constituency, because I hear that people just love chucking themselves off it.

No, wrong side of the city. Still, it's only a couple of bus rides away...

A block of flats for all these ferrets? Well, only if every other flat was occupied by a family with social difficulties, drink problems, incontinence and flatulence issues, no real jobs (so the MPs will feel at one with them) and thus our dear representatives will be close to the "people" they so love.

On the other hand they could just doss down on camp beds in the lobbies of the House of Commons. This would be novel for the ones who have hardly been in there since elected.

How about one of those Jap style compartment hotels for them? We could lie them down on a tray-like thing once they have completed a decent days work and slide them into a pod until next needed. Rather like a large mortuary fridge really. Now there's an idea....

If she is getting £22,000 a year for accomodation, this assumes she is renting/buying somewhere in very central London (either that or some country house on the edge). In which case, how the fuck did she manage to spend £6,000 on travel? Six fucking grand?