Heidi Klum is Eager to Break the Spirits of Talentless Americans

March 5th, 2013 - Chris Chambers

America’s Got Talent is ramping up its sex appeal, confirming today that irrepressibly hot Heidi Klum will join previously announced addition, Mel B, as the fourth judge for the upcoming season. This announcement also serves as further proof that to be an A.G.T. judge, it is not necessary to be either American or talented one’s self.

And truly, what could be more disheartening than having one of the most physically perfect women in the universe, who has no discernible talents herself beyond her God-given T&A, sitting in judgement of you and your pathetic skill? It wouldn’t be scarring at all.

While the show’s new lady judges are inarguably easier on the eyes than their returning male counterparts, namely Howard Stern and Howie Mandel, it remains to be seen if they can hold their own in this rough-and-tumble forum. It’s that age-old beauty versus brains versus balls question. Though two of those B’s shouldn’t be problems for the ladies (see if you can guess which ones!)

Heidi and Mel do have some feisty shoes to fill, stepping into the spot left at the end of last season by Sharon Osbourne. NBC’s president of alternative and late night programming seems to think they’re up to the challenge, describing Mel as “a very frank, strong, enduring entertainer” with a “huge personality” (which loosely translates to “she is a mouthy bitch”).

While the inclusion of a fourth judge for the first time on the new season will alter the show’s dynamic, Mel is undoubtedly pleased by the added girl power, since it may have otherwise been difficult for her to maintain her composure flanked by Howard and Howie, two such intense sources of sexual energy. Neither Howard nor Howie have publicly commented on Heidi’s addition to the show, though Howard previously made it clear on his radio show that he didn’t think a fourth judge was a good idea. He also said that he thought the show should shoot for a big name to replace Mrs. O.

“I would like to sit next to Oprah and Cher. … It’s gotta be somebody I respect. I always respected Sharon and Howie.”

Heidi might not have quite the same cachet as Oprah or Cher, but I suspect Howard will not be opposed to sitting beside her. And now all the show needs to do to be tolerably watchable is replace that pansy Nick Cannon with someone less with a bit more oomph. Maybe Idris Elba.