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Ask Annie #7

I’m new to driving, but how many kills is normal in the first 4 months?

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Hey Anonymous,

Great question. Though all licensed driving instructors might say otherwise, accidental roadkilling is nearly impossible to avoid, and a core part of the learning experience, really. Acceptance is key. Know that you’re gonna hit some squirrels, deer, and sturgeon, and that’s normal. You can’t let your astoundingly dangerous driving keep you off the road, just try your best to keep it to a minimum. If you’ve killed more than 22 sea lions while sober, you might wanna take a step back and look into your heart. Was I ready to do cookies on a San Francisco pier?Were these big slippery dogs ready to die?Should I tell grandma that the blood on her Camaro is not from a nosebleed and some fierce wind?Can I sell this shovel, or will it link me to the crime? These are questions only you can answer.

-Annie

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Anonymous writes:

Weirdest thing you’ve ever set on fire?

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My dad’s cell phone lol.

-Annie

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Anonymous writes:

Did you have a summer job?

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Hi Anonymous,

Funny story, I really wanted and needed one. I still owe my bookie both of my kidneys, and a successful shipment of “legal” snakes. One night I was brainstorming ways to make a lot of money really fast, and I had this amazing plan to sell placebos as real drugs ‘cause you aren’t actually dealing drugs. I was like, this is the greatest get-rich-quick and maybe legal, but morally iffy idea ever, why doesn’t everyone do this? And then criminaldefenselawyer.com informed me that this is 1st degree fraud, so now I babysit kids.

-Annie

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Anonymous writes:

Hey did you actually spray laundry detergent on a dead body?

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Hi Anonymous,

Yep. Gotta keep the cadavers moist at the anatomy lab, and Dr. Canepa said she just uses laundry softener ‘cause it smells nice. Provides a short-lived respite from the formalin fumes.

-Annie

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Anonymous writes:

Grapefruit. Thoughts?

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Hi Anonymous,

Pretty personal question, but I accept. Grapefruits are nasty and there’s not enough sugar, humiliating footage of 10-year-old me stuck in a baby swing, government mind control via tap water fluoridation, or money in the world to change my mind. Grapefruits taste like hand sanitizer, and I’m qualified to make that assertion ‘cause I drank a shot of hand sanitizer for fun on a Friday night last year, and it did not taste like fun. It tasted like grapefruit.

-Annie

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Anonymous writes:

How do you think you’re going to die?

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Hi Anonymous,

Spiritually, I died my first time on the teacups ride at Disneyland. My soul checked out and hasn’t been back since.

Physically, I know for a fact I’ll die a month after the spring equinox when I’m 66. Likely by succumbing to the allure of Nutella, but prostate cancer runs in the family, so you never know.

-Annie

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The Ask Annie bucket is back(!) and stationed right outside the Learning Center and Deanery. As always, I’ll be accepting questions, queries, and cash, not trash.