04/26/2011

Mensa is a super select community whose membership is only open to people who score in the top 2% of IQ tests. You even have to prove your Mensa status by submitting test scores (in some instances you may be prompted to take an online test) if you want to be part of their online community. Apparently, there are about 2000 Mensa members living in the San Francisco Bay Area.

I took a little looksee on their website today and had to laugh, and you will soon see why. The membership process seems a bit detailed and involved. Once a member, you are free to post your own events targeted to the community. However, this does not seem to be a simple process.

This is what is required to post an event:

TO LIST YOUR EVENT: Length limit: 120 words. Items can be submitted to the Calendar Editor, calendar/a/t/sfmensa.org or to the address listed on the inside back cover of the Intelligencer. E-mail or typed hard copy is preferred, but neat hand printing is acceptable. Items must be received by the deadline listed in the calendar to guarantee inclusion. Previously published items may be edited by phone (please call at a respectable hour of the day) at 650-325-xxxx, but hard copy or e-mail is preferred. Items must include host's name, date and time, and applicable codes (below), and should also include phone (including area code) or e-mail address. Location would be nice but is not mandatory; please include ZIP code if you give the location. Notices are published on a space-available basis subject to the discretion of the Calendar Editor. The policy for inclusion in the calendar is based on the SFRM bylaws.

I should point out that my knowledge of pleasure parties is pretty limited though. My whole relationship with sex toys has really been shaped by the fabulous people at Good Vibrations. People may or may not know that all Good Vibrations employees go through a mandatory (I know it sounds bad, but it's totally fun) training to be a sex educator/sales associate. I really love the way the company encourages education and empowerment.

As a sex educator, I have been a voracious learner. I spend a lot of time researching, reading, and then trying to translate that information into my workshops. I've taken hundreds of hours of formal sex educator training on everything from HIV/STI transmission and prevention to trans gender sexuality and health to female sexual dominance. Ok, now I'm chuckling to myself because it just occurred to me that my training does seem very San Francisco. I'm lucky to live so close to what is probably known as the best city for a sex educator in training, and believe me, I took full advantage of that.

From my limited knowledge of pleasure parties, it appears that the focus is much more on the sales side than education. In fact, there are precious few sex educators who do pleasure parties.The educators I know do pleasure parties to bring in some income as they are getting their advanced sexuality degrees.

I'm also a huge snob when it comes to sex toys.There, I admitted it!

In fact, it is very funny to me when I attend sex toy expos because I almost never speak with anyone from companies that make questionable sex toys. When I tell them I'm an educator, they never try to sell me on their "novelty" products and decide to spend their time, energy, and freebies on non-educator type people. Why is this, you ask? It's primarily because I know their dirty little secret of using toxic and non body friendly materials. Yep, not all sex toys are good sex toys. Also, many big sex toy manufacturers make a shitload of money on toys that cost very little to produce. Manufacturers know the toys will sell because they are cheap to buy and people may even know the brand name (Doc Johnson, Trojan, Hustler). Probably the biggest sex toy material offenders are something called "jelly" or "cyber skin".

People are drawn to the soft, life-like texture of jelly and cyber skin because it really does feel like the real deal. But anyone who has handled these toys know that the material is porous which makes it almost impossible to sanitize. Porous materials make for bad sex toys basically because fluid can get into the toy as well as leak out of the toy. In fact, most jelly or cyber skin toys emit a slight oil (as well as a distinct smell) that you can feel on your hands and make the toy feel funky or tacky very quickly and it is recommended you cover your toy (that can't be sanitized) with a fine layer of corn starch. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that it is also recommended to use condoms with these types of toys because they can't be sanitized. Bottom line is that it is entirely possible to get a really cool feeling sex toy for about $20.

I wrote an older blog post about the dangers of some sex toys about a year ago and you can go here for a more thorough description.

This is really important and basic information that anyone who sells sex toys should be aware of. Plenty of sex toy retailers sell toys with these materials but they also do a bit of education around the material and will usually point people in the direction of sex toys made out of medical grade silicone. The problem here is that silicone toys cost much more to produce and are usually made by smaller "boutique" manufacturers. This is the reason I love companies like Tantus,Fun Factory, Lelo, Njoy, Jimmyjane, Vixen Creations, etc. An average silicone sex toy will run around $40.

While I would love to live in a world where only body friendly sex toys exist, I know that is not reality. Cheap sex toys sell. A lot!

My basic concern with pleasure parties is that the people running them are most likely not sex educators and they probably sell a hell of a lot of what I call "questionable" sex toys. I also don't see the pleasure party business going away anytime soon.

Normally I keep my opinions about this stuff pretty much to myself, especially since I know a few people who do this as their primary business. After all, anyone who helps support sexual pleasure and exploration is good in my book.

I feel the need to write this blog post because of the number of requests I get asking me to put on a pleasure party. Seriously, it's not like I have the time nor energy to go around publicly bashing pleasure parties. However, if you are misguided enough to contact me requesting a pleasure party, don't be surprised to get a lengthy reply stating the above.

Going to 3 different colleges (however, I am a total rock star because I managed to graduate in 4 years)

Attending a women's college (Scripps) even though I had always had way more male than female friends

Realizing that I am very different (both physically and personality wise) from my 2 older sisters

Being told "Catherine, you know you can't talk like that/about that at work" at almost all my post-college jobs (this usually also involved a lot of finger pointing in my general direction)

Basically never enjoying or fitting into a corporate or government business culture

Being too business like for the non profit culture

Being the only person in my first sex educator (CHOW) training (Community Health Outreach Worker) who was not currently working in the field and therefore having to pay out of pocket for the 2 week course

Working at BAY Positives (a peer based non-profit) even though I wasn't technically a peer that was under the age of 27, HIV positive, living in San Francisco, and/or sexually identify as other than heterosexual

When I started at BAY Positives, being the only employee on staff that wasn't in recovery

Never doing any type of drugs

Although no one has ever explicitly told me, I still feel like I am too vanilla to be really accepted in the San Francisco sex educator community....this involves a lot of different factors including: identifying as heterosexual (mostly) and also being married to the same person for over 15 years, not belonging to any specific kink/alternative lifestyle community, me presenting as being pretty visually different from other sex educators because I am very mainstream looking and have no tattoos, have my ears pierced only once in each ear, never having done any type of sex work, never having had anything to do with the pornography industry besides being a consumer, not identifying or living a poly lifestyle, not having an advanced sexuality degree, and living in Silicon Valley

Even though I feel too vanilla for San Francisco, I also feel that I am too sexually out there for Silicon Valley

Actively choosing to never get pregnant nor have children

Having people stare blankly or nervously at me when I tried participating in regular entrepreneur networking or leads groups (I quit them after a year)

Having people tell me they prefer to not connect or be associated with me on LinkedIn because of what I do

Having made the conscious choice to not post explicit nudity on my blog including my affiliate links

Never quite feeling accepted amongst my sisters because they are very similar and I am much different. In fact, when the whole family is together, I am often (probably unconsciously) excluded from activities and conversations. For instance, if we are all out to dinner, I am often sitting in the outer most chair which makes it difficult for me to hear or participate in the conversation

Being a super politically incorrect person living in a very politically correct location/environment

When I'm meeting my husband's co-workers, I have learned to tell them that I work as a "dating coach" and leave out the rest of what I actually do

What I have come to understand that it is perfectly ok for me to feel like I don't belong in many communities. Partly it is because I can look back and see that, for much of my life, I have almost never fit in. I no longer feel the need for constant validation from others who are either directly or peripherally involved in my life. I've learned to savor those moments of acceptance when they do happen, but realize that acceptance and validation ultimately has to come from me. Without realizing it, I've made myself fit into the places I really want to be. I'm guessing this has a lot to do with my strong and blunt personality. Love me or hate me, I am un-apologetically myself.

04/16/2011

I've been hugely fortunate in that I know some really amazing female writers. And even though I have never met them in person, I am thrilled that I have been asked to help contribute to articles they are writing on the topic of human sexuality.

My most recent inclusion was for an article for the wildly popular website, thefrisky.com, and the story is a practical guide to couples with different body types.

If you would like to find out more about the New York City based author, Jamie Beckman, please visit here website, and if you would like to see the original posting, please go here.

This is what the article (minus the photos) said:

On Tuesday’s “Ellen DeGeneres Show,” teensy-tiny actress Hayden Panettiere, who’s 5-foot-1, told DeGeneres that fans are always approaching her and asking how she manages to have sex with her boyfriend, 6-foot-6 Ukrainian heavyweight boxer Wladimir Klitschko.

“I get the rudest prudest people coming up to me, and they’re like, ‘Does it work?’” Panettiere said. “Yeah, it works. We find a way.”

She went on to say that the people who are the most curious about their bedroom habits are conservative types. Well, call me a pervert (or would it be a prude?), but after I heard that little anecdote, I started to wonder the same thing about … well, everybody.

It can’t be easy for Kim Kardashian, 5-foot-2, and her current ’baller beau, Kris Humphries, 6-foot-9, to get horizontal. Same goes for everyday couples with different proportions that we see walking down the street hand in hand.

So how can partners who have totally different body types have the hottest sex possible? A few of the country’s top sexperts offered their opinions on the perfect down-and-dirty positions for “mismatched” partners…

IF … Your Guy Is Super-Tall

Best positions: Standing up; sitting on his face for oral

“Standing positions work well,” says Los Angeles sex expert Dr. Patti Britton. “His longer body can hold her up — like, she’s facing him in his arms, legs wrapped around him, and he is positioned with a leg up on a chair or leaning against a wall. This is very common in the kama sutra.”

Increase the intensity of this position by using the bathroom sink (taller than a regular table!) for sexual congress, suggests Catherine Toyooka, a San Francisco sex coach.“Sit on the edge of the sink counter,” she instructs. “Your man can enter you from this position and then alter the way he’s standing to get better leverage. You can slightly vary this position by crossing your legs around his back and having him scoop his hands under your tush for deeper penetration.”

Also, have fun with oral: “Sit on his face, have him give you a pearl necklace while straddling you, give him some good old-fashioned Russian (between the boobs), or grant him a facial,” says Dr. Christine Milrod, a sex therapist in Los Angeles who also sees patients via Skype.

IF … He’s Shorter Than Average

Best positions: Sitting facing each other; “froggy”-style sex“Here’s where you can go egalitarian,” says Dr. Milrod. “Because there are no long legs to get tangled up, you can sit facing each other on the bed, with your legs wrapped around each other’s hips in a total merger. Or put on a pair of heels, plant yourself on his penis, and [do it] standing. Great for tight spots with not much room to move or quickies in restrooms or other naughty public places.”

And at the risk of sounding cute, instead of doggie-style, try assuming a “froggy” position instead, says Toyooka.

“Rear entry can be really fun,” she says. “Start in a doggie position and then begin to lower your legs further down the bed, so you are almost in a lying position.”

IF ... Your Man Has A Large Frame Or Is Carrying Around A Few Extra Pounds

Best positions: Cowgirl, 69

“Big guys can really take a pounding, so don’t worry about hurting him,” says Dr. Milrod. “A fun thing to do is 69, with him beneath you. Since he’s pretty much unbreakable, lie down flat and squeeze his body while you [grind] into his face.”

Cowgirl is also a no-brainer, but don’t forget the humble spoon. “Spooning is a good way with large bodies,” Britton says. “The largeness of a belly may get in the way, but [the couple] can ooze into contact.” So to speak.

A major tool for different body shapes is a pillow. If you crave something a little more traditional with your beefy dude, here’s a suggestion:

“Try a modified missionary position, where the woman is lying on her back, and prop a pillow or two under her tush,” says Toyooka. “Now the man can kneel or position himself between his partner while still being able to thrust with vigor.”

IF ... He’s So Skinny You Have A (Somewhat Irrational) Fear Of Crushing Him

Best positions: Reverse cowgirl, missionary

“Tender little skateboarder types should best be laid down flat while you practice some reverse Asian cowgirl,” says Dr. Milrod. “This means straddling him with your back facing him and grabbing his bent knobby knees for support. Great for serious G-spot action. Skinny guys can usually go longer: After all, they are not dragging around a lot of extra weight. And surprisingly, many of them sport some very large penises, so there’s meat where it counts!”

Even if your guy is as petite as they come, remember: No body image issues allowed.

“Many skinny men actually sort of fetishize being with big beautiful women,” Britton says. “There is a porn genre of fetish called BBW for this.”

And what if you’ve tried a few different things, but sex is still really awkward? Trial and error, baby — and do it all with a smile on your face.

“The best sex occurs when you laugh yourself into bed with somebody,” says Dr. Roger Libby, a sex therapist in Seattle. “Most people take sex way too seriously.”

04/15/2011

Most of you know that I haven't been back to Chicago in about 10 years, but will always consider myself a Chicagoan.

*Back story: grew up in Winnetka, Illinois and graduated from New Trier High School in 1989. My family moved away from the area when I graduated from college in 1993, so it's not like I have any direct family members living there anymore. Well, that is kinda a lie because my husband's dad and step mom live there part time, but they aren't exactly my biggest fans nor the warmest people in the world*

(me in 1988) (me in 2009)

I was really excited to receive a birthday invitation from one of my high school friends and figured it was as good as time as any to get back there since I have really been missing Chicago. I'm also thrilled that I am able to fit in a sexuality workshop during the same visit.

I'm sincerely hoping to catch up with many of my friends and would be super thrilled and amused if any of you decide to attend my workshop titled "Oh Yeah! Right There!" on Thursday, May 5, 2011 at 8pm at Early to Bed.

So I'm putting the call out to all of my old friends, lovers, and frenemies to come check me out**. Maybe you have a perverse curiosity to see how different I look from when you knew me back in the day, or maybe you just really want to see me talk for over an hour about human sexuality, pleasure anatomy, and awesome sex toys. I'll even spring for the first round of drinks if you are an old friend and want to hang out with me after the workshop...what more can you ask for?

Wanna join me? Early to Bed is located at 5232 N. Sheridan Road and you can call 773-271-1219 to register for the workshop.

Here is more information on the event:

"We are super excited to be able to bring you this fun & informative workshop from Catherine Toyooka.

The majority of us are unfamiliar, bewildered, and uncomfortable with our sexual anatomy. It is no wonder considering most of us don’t even get that information from our own doctors.

This interactive workshop uses diagrams, puppets, and photos to help demystify the confusion surrounding both male and female pleasure anatomy. Topics covered include the sexual response cycle, orgasms, the g spot, the p spot, and anal sex.

Participants will also be introduced to how sex toys can enhance both solo and partnered lovemaking.

﻿﻿This workshop is $25 ($20 students/low income). Sign up yourself and a friend/lover for only $45! Folks of all genders and orientations welcome.

Reservations are required. Register by calling us at 773-271-1219 or on our website here. Feel free to email us at workshops(at)early2bed(dot)com with any questions. This Workshop is held at Early to Bed, 5232 N. Sheridan Rd. in Chicago.

Reaching thousands of people each year, Catherine has been a featured sexuality speaker and sex educator at many prestigious locations including Stanford University, Stanford Medical Hospital, UCSF Medical Hospital, UC Berkeley, Planned Parenthood, The San Francisco AIDS Foundation, and the Ryan White National Youth HIV Conference. She has over 8 years experience as a sex educator in the field of HIV/STI prevention, curriculum training & development, and coaching.Catherine is a sought after media consultant, professional development speaker, and a sexuality speaker and sex educator. Catherine is also a dating coach and sex coach who improves the lives of busy professionals living in the San Francisco Bay Area and beyond."

**The 2011 me has definitely gained weight since high school, is a much nicer person, and my breasts have grown exponentially.

04/10/2011

I got another totally random and inappropriate facebook message yesterday.

Wow, bad grammar and sentence syntax aside, the message is just weird.

You be the judge:

"i saw your profile on a dating group on facebook i thought i should mail u hoping mabeyou'd mail back africans dont get much a chances at love coz our predecessors have misused our ops but i want to show someone who is lonley like i someone who need to be loved somewho wants to be loved believe that love is still alivehere a lil about meI am a lot different than most guy's, My heart could only belong to one person, I'm not looking for a one time thing I am very dedicated an loyal person, I am looking for the right one some one I can share my passion for life with.I have to be honest and true from the start that's what I believe in, everything else has a way of working itself out, I'm laid back kind of quiet and a little shy but once I get to know someone I open up and show the real me and still have my wild side. I love nature and simple things. I am a very dedicated and devoted person in work and in relationships.I value honesty and character.

if you want to get to know me please reply if u dnot il understand they say when u r soul searching it like walking through a desert so i guess u might be a mirage...lol"

Hmm, well besides the fact that I'm married (and it is evident even though I only give out limited information in my profile if you are not my friend), he also lives in Nigeria. Sounds like we would have one hell of a close and bonding relationship.

It is also totally off-putting to me that he pulled the race card. Wtf? I'm not sure what his exact motivation was for saying that "...africans dont get much a chances at love coz our predecessors have mis used our ops", but it makes you sound like you have a butt-load of issues. Not to mention that my BFF is black and literally can't do enough to keep both men and women from jumping him. Seriously, they are all over his jock!

04/09/2011

It is always really strange for me to see myself presenting workshops in front of people. But it does tickle me that I seem to be having a really good time.

These pictures were mostly taken by the fabulous marketing team at Fascinations Fun Love in Phoenix, Arizona. They are, perhaps, one my most favorite places to present because they really, really love sexuality educators.

04/07/2011

I know this venn diagram has been circulating around the web for about 2 years. A high school friend posted it on his facebook page recently and I just had to grab it and post it on my blog.

For those not familiar with venn diagrams, it is basically a map made up of 2 or more overlapping circles. Venn diagrams are often used in mathematics to show all hypothetically possible and logical relationships between a finite collection of sets.

One of my earlier blog posts talked about the differences between geeks and nerds and how they can actually make great partners. So it is no surprise that I got a kick out of this particular diagram.

What do you think? Do you agree with the "nerd vs. geek vs. dork" venn diagram? Feel free to leave any funny anecdotal evidence or personal experience.

By the way, I am thinking about putting together a "Geek Flirt" workshop for later in the summer in Silicon Valley. I would love to hear what your thoughts are on the possibility and/or what sort of information and exercises you would want me to include.