Tuesday, November 30, 2004

DEAR PJ HARVEY,

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU

Oh AWESOME! Family Guy is back! It's gonna be on my actual tv in like, 30 minutes. Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod. Man, I'm so glad I forgot the PJ Harvey tickets in the mad dash this morning and had to come back home for them. Sweet.

The Motorcycle Diaries and Bad Education - and yes, this is because of Gael. But it's also because they will no doubt be excellent movies. I mean, have I ever dragged you to a bad Gael movie? Okay, yeah. There was that one time. But hey, The Crime of Father Amaro was an aberration, okay? Fucking bastard.

Also, I know Alexander is gonna be shit and all, but it's got Jared Leto and Jonathan Rhys-Meyers in it. So we ARE going to see it.

Also, I still have to see Saved and Somersault. And maybe, like, Garden State or something. And the new Star Wars, whenever it comes out. And no, I don't have a thing for Natalie Portman, although she seems very smart and pretty. No, it's just that the posters and the trailer for this final episode have me a little excited that it won't be completely fucking crap. Sure, it probably will be. But still, it might be interesting. I mean, he's gonna go Vader. How freaky will that be? Like, it's not the turning evil part that's gonna be freaky. People turn evil all the time. Whatevs. No, what I'm hanging out for is the thought process behind the outfit. I mean, we take it for granted that Darth Vader looks like that, but like, why the hell would he look like that? I mean, he had to make decisions about that, right? And when you think about it, that's pretty freakin weird. Why would you want your brain hooked up to a helmet forever?

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Tonight was almost the Best. Thing. Ever. At about midnight I composed what I thought would be the title of this post. It would have looked like this:

Best. Thing. Ever.

Seriously, check out what had happened by that point. I had disowned my little brother after he decided he wanted to go and hang with his mates at a party in Brighton instead of attending a sterling cultural event. Idiot. I had called Erin. Genius. I was at the HiFi to see Pink Grease, a band that I totally fucking love, and in the lead-up to their performance I had been treated to some fantastically good shit. Possibly the Best. Line-up. Ever.

First up, I was exposed to Midnight Juggernauts for the first time, and boy are they great. Pity more people didn't get to see them, but screw that. I saw them, and that's what's important. To me. Anyway, they're a duo, with one guy playing guitar or bass or something, and the other guy playing a contraption. It makes noises and stuff. They are superb. I want to own all the music they've recorded. And I will, damnit.

Next up was Bit By Bats, who I already heart. I know I'm being really descriptive here but, well, they're great. I love them. That's that.

After being surprised and delighted by Midnight Juggernauts, and then expectedly pleased by Bit By Bats, I moved on to being heaps excited about the prospect of Snap Crakk. And well, they RULED! For me, they were the best thing tonight. Just, fucking good. By the way, I think I'm in love with the keyboardist/singer dude, because he's bloody gorgeous and he's in an awesomely cool band. Got to love that. Anyway, great and special things were happening, and they got even greater and more special when an audience member got up on stage in his undies to dance. He had great moves and hotness, and stayed with the band for the rest of their set playing tambourine. Hilarity, excellence, all that shit.

There was also a DJ playing music between the sets, and he made me happy when he put on that "mister you're on fire mister" song by The Liars, and also when he played some mixy DJ version of Simian's We Are Your Friends. I love these things. And that pretty much brings us to about midnight.

I was all "Tee hee hee, Pink Grease are on next. Can this night get any better?" There was momentum, there was expectation. A high quality frenzy was about to happen and everyone would be all like, whoah. But it kinda didn't work out that way. The Pink Grease boys came flying down the stairs with their hotness and weirdness and outfits and real live Pink Grease-ness and I was like, here we go! And then the bass player head-butted the microphone and I was like, EXCELLENT. But then the first song didn't really kick in. And Fever didn't reach levels I thought it would reach. And the crowd vibe seemed to turn against them, so the whole crowd-band love-in thing that was integral to my Best. Thing. Ever. idea started to disappear, and I was like, NO! Come on crowd, come on band. We can make it happen! When I moved up to the front to increase my chances of filling my chest with exploding joy, I was like, where did everybody go? So I just decided to do my my 'stare at the band in adoration and love them love them love them' thing. They got close to the tops shit with Wind Up Bird and Peaches and The Pink G.R.EASE. Also, when the bass player stripped down to his undies, I happened to be near the guy who'd gotten up on stage in his undies during Snap Crakk, so I got to chuckle at his outraged "He stole my shit!" That was gold. Anyway, so the night went from a mythically special super high to a kinda okay high. I probably sound more disappointed than I am. I mean, I saw Pink Grease! That rules! They are special. You gots to get the album if you don't already have it.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Friday, November 26, 2004

Last night I went to see The Burlesque Hour for Antonia's birthday. It RULED. Oh yeah. Was totally rad. I urge you all to go and see it. Antonia says its entire season has sold out, but I would check up on that if I were you, just in case. I mean, I only booked my ticket last Friday and managed to make it to the opening night, so there might still be hope. Because, really. You want to see this show.

I didn't know much going into it. I was like, yeah, a show, some burlesque, cool. But I started getting clues in the afternoon that it might be a bit special when I was asked what I was doing that night and I said, "I'm gonna see the Burlesque Hour" and people just kind of stopped in shock and went things like "Ooooh" and "Wow" and "Do you know if it's sold out yet?" etc. And I was like, I don't know anything. I just bought a ticket last week because my friend said that we were going to see it on Thursday. Anyway, when I sat down at the Spiegeltent last night and the announcer said that The Town Bikes were appearing as special guests, I got a bit excited. But then when I spotted Charlie Pickering in the audience I started scanning the room a bit for any other recognisable faces to see if maybe it wasn't proper for me to be there. Maybe I had accidentally crashed my way into tonight's Melbourne scenester event. But throughout the show I noticed some nearby dirty old wino-faced men leering at the girls, so I figured I was okay. Which made me disappointed that it wasn't in fact my innate sense of cool that had pulled me inexorably to be there that night. It was just that I had bought a ticket.

Anyway, I just want to emphasise as much as possible how FUCKING GREAT the show is. It is so damn cool. The costumes, the ideas, the performances. Yay, expressive. The switching from masculine to feminine to masculine to feminine, all that playful shit. Amazing. My favourite bits were; the opening "I Touch Myself" one, the bearded lady/ strong man/ sexy coquette one, the one where she wears the black Victorian dress, the buto girl when she danced crazy and then threw her undies into the crowd and they landed on my head, and the fantastic bit with the pearls and the 'turn around' ha ha "Total Eclipse of the Heart". I never realised that song was one you could clench your fists to and scream out the lyrics. Whoever sings that version, I love it. What else? Oooh yeah, the balloons finale. Awesome. I think the best costume was the "To Bring You My Love" one. That ripped up stocking-ness ruled. Of The Town Bikes' performances, the nun-chuk dance was gold, but my favourite was the last one. I loved the way their epaulettes flapped on their shoulders, and also the comedic value of when they'd go nuts grabbing themselves to the rock music. Excellence.

Anyway, I don't want to ruin this with talk. Just go and see it, if you can. You'll love it for sure.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

As soon as last night's OC ended, I went into a panic when I realised that I won't be seeing it again for ages. It's not that I'm particularly hanging on what's gonna happen, I just can't fathom life without a fresh new OC episode in it at least weekly. Hello, wasteland. My favourite moment in the finale was when Marisa went "You got what you wanted. I'm moving in with you." And Julie Cooper went "But I thought that's what you wanted too, sweetie?" And everyone just looks at her with "Don't you know anything" contempt. Man, that Caleb is an evil douche. I hate him. Julie needs to get away from him, pronto.

Did everyone else laugh when Marisa started drinking again? I've always found it strange that she drinks with such a look of purpose on her face, ie, "I am being consciously self-destructive. Look. I'm swallowing." She should just be doing it without thinking about it, right? I mean, it's a default coping mechanism.

Anyway, summer TV is almost upon us. Some thoughts...

Joan of Arcadia. FUCK. OFF.

Summerland looks like a dog. Of course, I will tune in at first for the Lori Loughlin value, but then will remember that she annoys me. As if Uncle Jesse would ever have married a bore like her. Cut. It. Out. Anyway, I love the reviewer thoughts they're running with the ads, like "Hot-weather land" or something. Um, what does that even mean as a response to the show?

One Tree Hill seems to have bunged up the casting mightily. The boy with the dark hair is not hot, and it is painful for me to watch Chad Michael Murray. Sure, in relation to the rest of the cast, he's dreamy, but he will still no doubt manage to ruin every scene he's in. Also, I saw an ad for this show and they showed the girl these two unappealing leads were fighting over and my brother and I just went, "Whoah. She looks like trash." We can say these things in the privacy of our own home, because we understand what we mean. Anyway, where is Kate Bosworth when you need her? Sorry, I tend to watch all new teen drama shows through the prism of "I can't believe this show got a second season when Young Americans didn't." Anyway, I will definitely be watching One Tree Hill, because it has been a success in the US. Maybe it will be good.

Arrested Development. Oooh, here's a turn-up for the books! I thought we'd be denied this one for ages. I'm very curious and expect great things, cult hit, tra la la.

Oooh ooh oooh! Just checked the Green Guide and next Tuesday there's a behind-the-scenes OC special called Obsessed Completely. Yay! Will surely be a waste of time, but Adam Brody will be there. And then they're launching right back into season one. Sweet.

In other news, c/o the Green Guide, Gretel Killeen is going to meet AIDS orphans in Zambia. Will & Grace is coming back. And That '70s Show (note where the apostrophe is, people. Use that knowledge!) is also returning. Oooh, and Popular is gonna be on at 2pm on weekdays. Awesome. Oh oh, and the ABC is re-screening The Office. WHOO-HOO! By the way, I watched The Christmas Specials the other day... RULED! Anyway, there was something else on that Channel Ten new show megamix ad that I was quite excited about, but I can't remember what it was. No doubt I'll talk about it in due course.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

You Can't Top Meryl!

Seriously, why did they bother with Through My Eyes when Evil Angels did it first, and did it a thousand times better. That said, I only watched the first 20 minutes before I escaped to a scary doco about the making of Bjork's last album. This is what sent me packing:

1. The repeated imagery of snarling, ravenous dingoes lunging at blonde, innocent children obviously played by very short stunt men/women.

2. The fact that Paul Mercurio, who had only five minutes before had sat on the judging panel of Dancing With The Stars, appeared in the opening scenes.

3. Seeing Craig McLachlan emote.

4. The "ominous foreshadowing" of things to come as the plucky young park ranger pleads with the smug bearded guy about controlling the dingo "menace" - kinda like Captain Smith ignoring those iceberg warnings.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Um, you know this Dancing With The Stars bizzo? Like, what's with it? There seems to be some kind of "aw Pauline" thing that's sprung up around it. That's not on. It's completely fucked, actually.

I mean, when the ads for this show first came out a few months back I was like, "What? How on earth did they get actors and such to agree to be on a program with Pauline Hanson?" See, I thought the assembled celebrities would have to dance with each other, and so I watched the first episode to find out which of the guys had agreed to be partnered with Pauline, so that I would know to judge him. But then I found out that wasn't how the show worked.

Anyway, time went on and I didn't really pay attention, but now I'm like, what the fuck has been going on here? It's PAULINE HANSON! I mean, in the Herald Sun today Pauline was in a clinch with Bec Cartwright. And I was like, "Bec, what the fuck are you doing? Get away from her! TAINT! TAINT!" (If some wags are goin, "It's only Bec Cartwright" or whatever, I'm just like, um, dude, Pauline is lower.) However, things like standing as far away from her as possible, or awkwardly refusing to shake her hand... these things are just not happening. Astounding! So can someone please explain to me what is happening? I mean, it's PAULINE HANSON! I am not whacked out here. She is not a nice person. People know this. I know people haven't forgotten about all the bullshit she spit about making an Australia for 'real' Australians and otherwise being a hateful bint, so what the hell is up with this new affection thing? She retains her bullshit political opinions, doesn't she? So why would people be all 'we love you Pauline, we support you' when she's still just as fucked as ever? What the hell is going on? And don't you dare tell me "she's a battler" alright? I mean, I've seen her on that show. She's entirely unpleasant and brittle and not likeable at all. Just on the basis of Apolitical Personality (if there is such a thing), she's still palpably a fucking loser a-hole. It just baffles me that liking Pauline is completely okay now. Because, um... IT'S NOT.

PS. Of course you'll all be watching The O.C tonight, der!
PPS. But you might want to flick to the Lindy Chamberlain miniseries in the ads. Should be gold, yes?
PPPS. But, whatever you do, just be aware that at 10pm on SBS there's a documentary about Björk making her Medulla album.

Yes that's right. I do assume that you are not very competent readers of the TV guide. That is all.

Awesome. John Laws and Steve Price are yucky shitheads. And that's not just my opinion. It's the law's. Today the NSW Administrative Decisions Tribunal found that their Gav and Waz 'oooh, poofs shouldn't be on TV when children can be exposed to their sick sick existence' bullshit from last year was actually homosexual vilification. They're appealing the decision of course, but still, hurrah! Twats! Also, saved my arse. When all my other interview options fell through this afternoon, I saw this news and was able to record a short interview with Alexis Goodstone, the lawyer for Gary Burns who brought the complaint against Laws and Price. So phew.

Ha ha ha... The Australian accidentally printed the Casey Donovan web address as www.caseydonovan.com (neglecting to include the all important ".au"), linking millions of popsters to the website of some gay porn star, featuring "a full-frontal image" at its web "gateway".

Anyway, the dodgy thing is that bigpond (my server) has now blocked access to the dodgy Casey site... that seems a bit interventionist to me.

Will discuss her Idol win at some later stage, when the glitter fades.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

THOUGHTS ON THE IDOL FINALE. Casey won and that was cool. But I spent the whole lead-up going, "Look, here's an ad break Casey. Why don't you go and change, huh? You really don't want to win in that atrocious dress. Please. Please go and change." But to no avail. Poor girl. About two or three weeks ago they started getting her clothes right, and then last week and this week they just rooted it. Why have they decided that her 'look' is 'dorko LOTR freak uni student who wears a cape on campus', huh? WHY?

Anyway, the highlight of the evening for me was the appearance of Johnny Young. Or, more precisely, Anthony's reaction to the appearance of Johnny Young. Gold. See, Johnny was going on about what a special boy Anthony was at the age of six (which creeped me out), and Anthony's expression seemed to be saying "Hmmm, thanks a lot for bringing THAT guy to my special night, you insensitive clods! Clearly, I hate him." Ha ha ha. Ruled.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Thoughts on last night's OC. I'm still annoyed that Marissa made the Luke-Julie Cooper relationship all about her. I mean, both Julie and Luke listen to Bob Seger. Hello! MFEO. Also, I disagree with how readily they all accepted that Luke leaving would be 'the right thing to do'. They have not been good friends to him. He's in love, and they should be making life-and-friendship-affirming montage plans to help him fight for his woman, yo. Also, when did his hair get so dark? It's like they matched it to his descent into moodiness.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Oooh er. Pre-recorded my interview for tomorrow's breakfast show this afternoon. Spoke to the editor of that indigenous newspaper raided by the Australian Federal Police last Thursday. I am so worthy and impressive. Then I spent about an hour editing out my embarrassingly frequent ums and ahs and some other twattish moments, and mananged not to erase the whole thing. I made machines work! Hurrah! Ah, basic competence makes me feel so good.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Smoking. So hot right now.

thanks Lowculture

from the New York Times

Mmmm, the sweet sweet baccy. Chars me lungs like so many civilian corpses in Fallujah. Wait, did I say 'civilian'? I of course meant Satan. He lives there. Or at least he did until we kicked his completely non-fictional, as they say, 'butt'.

Listen up, kids. Today's rockin message comes from the supreme arbiters of 'cool', the Rock Eisteddford squares. Check it: SMOKING IS NOT COOL. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh squares, you crack me up. Let me break it down for you. Smoking is cool. I know this because I smoke, and that makes me cool. It also puts me in a position to judge what is cool and what is not. A position we do not share, by the way, because YOU are in the Rock Eisteddford. And it's on TV. And people can see you!

Friday, November 12, 2004

Have just watched the tape Leah brought around of Wednesday's episode of The OC. It was great except for Ryan being a judgemental ass to Julie and Jock Boy. Whatevs, Ryan. Also, whatevs Marissa.

And poor Jock Boy, he looks so broken-hearted next week, doesn't he? Oh, why can't they just be together?

But mainly I'm bursting because I already know what's going to happen to rock your socks in the season finale [thanks a lot New York Times. A girl can't even read an Adam Brody profile without you SPOILING EVERYTHING?!].

So, for the past few weeks I've been watching the series' happenings with this knowledge in mind, and about four episodes ago I hit upon a theory which will have repercussions for next season. I can even pinpoint the exact scene when it all became clear. Oh, twas but a moment, and it all came together in a blinding flash.

And yet, I CAN'T SHARE IT WITH ANYONE because you'd all murder me if I blabbed. Oh what a Catch-22. If I turn out to be right I'll never be able to prove I was right or how early on I was right! But I swear I ain't lying! I have a theory! I just can't tell you what it is.

The thing is, it's not even that brilliant a theory. It's quite obvious. It's so clear if you just watch the performance of one character. I JUST CAN'T TELL YOU WHICH ONE! But it's all there. It's like watching Ben-Hur when you know what the director has told one actor to be mindful of in their motivation/delivery. Indeed, I hope some of you have picked up on it too. Anybody? Please? It's just KILLING ME that I can't even talk about it! And I really really want to!

So, just for the record, I'm SO RIGHT, and I'll tell you about it later.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Okay, did people see Delta on The Panel last night? And then did people see the Ten late news? A rollercoaster of emotion for me, I can tell you. First I'm squirming on the couch in boredom and disgust as she showcases her 'personality' before moving on to treating us to her songwriting 'skills' with impeccably crafted lyrics like

Cos when you're in your darkest HOUR
And all of the light just fades AWAY
And when you're like a single FLOWER
Whose colours have turned to shades of GREY...

Doesn't your jaw just drop? It's just so freakin shit. The rhyming! The fucking shitness of the themes. I mean, darkest hour kinda implies light fading, no? And when the fuck has anyone been like a flower? I know it rhymes with hour but, a fucking flower? How meaningless is that? Is she even trying? I mean, I like meaninglessness. I really dig it. What I don't like is when people betray the true spirit of meaninglessness by pretending, or perhaps even believing, that their bullshit is deep, evocative, blah. That's crap. All I'm saying is, if a friend asked you to write a 'deep' pop song for a joke, you might come up with this. It's just that bad.

So at this point, I was all, "Whoah, Delta sucks ass so badly. And what's with her lame hand flourishes? She looks so uncomfortable. Why on earth is she liked?" But then Ten news gave me all the reason I will ever need to rationalise and make peace with Delta Goodrem's existence. She did a radio interview yesterday, or something, and some pathetic dickhead losers waited outside the radio station to meet her, but, gasp, she left through the back door, without even seeing them. BITCH! It was described as a "snub", like she even knew the freaks were there. But whatever, they were awesome idiotic freaks. A little girl, carrying a bunch of flowers, said she thought "it was mean of her to do this". And then she started crying! I laughed my arse off. It was gold. And it just got better. Gold was heaped upon gold. One mother said she was "very upset", then shrugged and made the character assessment, "but, that's just what they're like." Lady, what are YOU like? And then there were these middle-aged dudes, who described themselves as 'fans' and did the whole "she wouldn't have a career if it wasn't for her fans, so the least she could do is come out and see us for a minute." Tools. Oh, what delicious wanker tools. So het up with self-righteous indignation. Watching that has made my day. Solely on the basis of this wonderful episode, I may be able to stomach Delta's utter crapness.

Oh fuckness! Have come home from work and just remembered that an extra helping of The OC was on during my absence, and I missed it. How could I possibly have allowed this to happen? Holy crap Elanor, no tape? Where is my brain? I really think I'm losing my mind here. Especially as it took me a good twenty minutes to even realise that I'd missed an episode... of THE OC! What is wrong with me? [thwacks self on head]

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

THANKYOU ERIN for alerting me to the mega mega sale bin at Myer. OK, here's what I got for $3.49: B*Witched! (self-titled) and Alisha's Attic, Alisha Rules the World. Don't laugh! B*Witched!'s (love the star) bizarre Irish Spice-Girls thing is saved by the inclusion of the "delightful" Blame it on the Weatherman, while one half of Alisha's Attic went on to pen Kylie's Chocolate and Red Blooded Woman. OK, not so good, but I stand by my purchase. Welcome back 1998, I say!

Hmmm. Delta on Rove... seemed kinda manic to me.

Anyway, speaking of Delta, heightened my shameful music purchase binge by buying Mistaken Identity on the day of release. Not classy. Here's my beef. Delta is trying to be Tori Amos/ Kate Bush/ Celine Dion. Obviously this does not work. Here's an album with dark themes, dark lyrics, and then an insert in the CD sleeve asking you to purchase the songs as ringtones. And Tori Amos doesn't have an underwear range, I might add. Also, compared to her last album her voice seems to have gone all warbly, although apparently (as I just heard on Rove), this has something to do with the chemo.

Ooooh yay! She just sang Out of the Blue way better on Rove - OK, ARIAS was officially an aberration!

Just wanted to make sure everyone is aware that Paris Hilton is on The OC tonight... acting. Oh man, I've waited a long time for this. And seriously, The OC is firming as the Best. Show. Ever. Well, except for... Okay fine, there are just too many shows that are the best ever to make that kind of call, but The OC is up there with them. It's definitely the best teen soap drama ever... well, along with Freaks and Geeks, and Young Americans. Oh, TV excellence just rules.

Became a breakfast radio presenter today. Interviewed a politics professor about the US election. Pretended to be on top of news and current affairs. Ha! Anyway, am so gonna start inflicting my musical taste on people. Neat segue, am about to listen to the new Kings of Leon album, which should rule.

HA HA HA HEE HEE. This is just SO FUCKING FUNNY. This morning I thought I'd check and see what Andrew Bolt's been up to since the launch of Andrew Bolt: Douchebag, and DUDES, he's been such a douchebag. I am SO up for a second instalment.

The cause of the hilarity is this - Douchebag Item #1. Just read it. It's fucking hilarious. From beginning to end... fucking ridiculous gold. Bolt has devoted a column to attacking Ms Fits. And it's in the newspaper! Oh lord, I'm bursting. Bolt's actually put himself into a pissy little blog spat. Funniest. Thing. Ever. Just read Bolt's column and tell me the crazy kids from this blog didn't do a 'run to daddy'.

Some background. Weird toolishness is happening at Melbourne Uni this year, and some of the weird tools have blogs. Ms Fits reads something about electoral fraud in the paper and goes, "Huh. Those are some weird tools." She blogs about it. She reads the tools' blogs. She blogs about it. The tools go "Hey. We're not tools. Look! We don't even exist anymore!" Ms Fits goes, "Yeah you do. I can't believe it, but you actually do. You tools!" And now the tools have gone, "Ummmaa, I'm telling Bolt on you!"

Now, because of Anita's heads-up about the toolishness, this recent "whoah what freaks" blog spat kinda seemed like old news, though true, when it started. But the whole electoral fraud thing made me wonder about Bolt. I was fairly certain he would want to distance himself from someone implicated in tricking voters, seeing as he's all about the people. I thought, "Man, he must be getting a bit nervy about his recent association with Miranda Airey-Branson in Farrago. God, he won't want any attention drawn to their passing acquaintance. I bet he can't wait until this story goes away." But then I thought, hmmm. You know what? If he begins to feel even the slightest bit tainted, he's SO gonna come out and throw her to the wolves to save his own arse, even though most people will have no idea what he is on about. I seriously thought he would be so freaked about his personal standing that he would devote a column to going, "Some of you may know that I recently gave my time to be interviewed in Farrago, Melbourne Uni's Student newspaper. I support young people, especially the get-up-and-go types, and Miranda-Airey Branson seemed very much of that ilk. But now, because I love my country and the principles upon which it was built, I feel compelled to take her to task. A just man is hard on his friends, you know, and, even though this young woman seemed very pleasant, it's clear now that she should burn at the stake because tricking voters is like, completely dodgy, and I damn her to hell with forceful language." If Bolt came onto the scene at all, that is how I expected it to go.

But hey, I'm usually wrong. So instead of my scenario, the tools contact Bolt and tell him there's this mean lady and could he do a number on her because that will show her and we will so have won this blog spat if we ruin her career or something unlikely like that. And he goes, "sure". And he launches an attack in the paper! How lame is that? LAME! He even makes sure to include this bit - "Airey-Branson, whom she calls an 'ugly ignorant c...' -- wrongly I should add." Ha ha ha...EW! God, I know the tools are probably creaming themselves about this, but dudes, it's not a knock-out blow for you. Seriously, it just further reveals what fucking idiotic prats you are, with zero perspective on yourselves and your own importance in the world. I mean, there can't have been more than twenty people involved in this thing, and even fewer interested parties... seriously, it's just a blog spat! And now it's being fought in the paper? Fucking. Hilarious. Anyway, a very revealing episode about tools ["tools" includes Bolt, obv] and how they don't 'get' stuff.

Douchebag Item #2 is just a funny read. Check out the first line, "The New Age religion claims another victim". Ha ha ha. Don't you love the "another" bit? And then he just heaps on the funny with "How healthy Christianity looks in contrast." Zing! That juxtaposition SO works!

The thing is, I'm confused. Bolt doesn't strike me as a particularly religious guy. Sure, he talks up the 'christian foundations of Western civilisation' bit, but, I mean, he doesn't actually go to church, does he? I mean, I don't actually know this, but it feels like he doesn't. So I find it strange how frequently he brings christianity up. He just throws it in there amongst unrelated stuff. It's like he's just built in a 'hit the christian note' requirement to his columns, even when it really has no relevance. It's even stranger when he talks about abortion, gay marriage and other "moral" issues, and mimics the views of the fundamental christians and stuff. Because, like, don't you get the vibe that he's not really a churchy kinda dude? He doesn't actually believe that stuff, does he, so why would he talk about it like he does? It just seems like he's faking it, and why would he do that? Anyway, now that I'm reading them, I find that most of his columns feel hollow. Don't they feel hollow to you? They seem to lack personal belief. It's weird.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

OK, I can't believe I did this, but I did some net research on the various techniques of breast augmentation and yes indeed, there is a method through which an incision is made around the areola... APS.com 1, Guy 0. For now.

Here's a description of how it's done from, ahem, justbreastimplants.com (not as bad as breastimplants4you.com)
"The incision is made just beyond the areola, which is the darker area of skin surrounding the nipple. The incision should be made at the very edge of the areola where the dark tissue meets the lighter breast tissue, which aids the scar in "blending in". The incision should not be made within the areola. If the incision heals in a light colored scar, you will have a white "smiley face" inside of your areola, which will be noticeable, and won't be attractive. Click here to see an example of this. Thankfully, the scars tend to heal quite nicely. However, if they don't, they will be noticeable, since they are situated right on the center of the breast. Leaving the surgical tape on will aid in healing the scar because it reduces the tension on the skin, keeps it from "pulling", helps the scar heal into a very thin line, as well as keeping it flat."Scary stuff.

Once again, AwfulPlasticSurgery.com gets it wrong... Today they claim that Nicole Kidman has had a nose job, cheek implants, brow-lift, collagen and botox. OK, botox maybe, but cheek implants? Are you serious? Don't get me wrong - I totally dislike Nicole, mostly 'cause she pretends to be stupid, and she does look odd, but I'm sure that's just her dramatic weight-loss, a bit of botox, and her eroding sanity.

Also, while they've finally caught onto the Minogues, once again, they totally miss the point. For instance, they show a photo of Dannii from 2000 (post-Barbie makeover) and one from 2004, pointing to her collagen abuse. Surely they could have found a photo from 96, and pointed to her total body makeover.

And another thing. There is a really scary photo of Tara Reid doing the rounds (obviously Defamer'son the pulse), in which she's had a breast revealing "accident" at an awards ceremony. There do seem to be scars around her nipple, but I'm sceptical about APS.com's claim that this reveals she's had implants put in through the nipple (I assume they mean the nipple is removed and replaced)... I've heard of armpit insertion, bellybutton insertion and the old cut and stitch insertion but never through the nipple... hmmmm. I just don't trust them. And they're getting so much coverage at the moment (NW has caught on) that it's increasingly grating me. I could do a better job. And can I state again: Mandy Moore has not had a nose job.

Friday, November 05, 2004

I felt THE RAGEat work tonight. I'll tell you what pisses me off: uppity customers who have obviously read some self-help book on how to get things done and do stuff like the following:

Cheaply Paid Casual Worker:"sorry but you'll have to speak to the manager about that...[cliched but true]"A-hole:"But I DON'T WANT to speak to the manager... why don't you speak to the manager and call me"

CPCW:"Well, actually, I'm not in for another week [because I'm a CPCW], but I can leave a note for our manager to give you a call..."A-hole:"Well I DO hope they call... and what was your name????"

See, this final line here was my point - it PISSES ME off when uppity types think that by asking your name, and holding you "accountable", suddenly you'll cower to their wishes. Grrrr. On a more positive note, I've excitedly realised that over the years I've developed a "subtly terse" voice that I can deploy at such moments...

HA HA. JOHN LAWS IS TOTALLY ROOTED. He has seriously misjudged the allegiance of his audience this time. Sure sure, maybe they'll swallow his "I'm an entertainer not a journalist, so when I tell you how great Telstra is I'm being entertaining" crap, but you can bet your arse he won't survive this. You see, Lawsie's gone and made some cracks about Carson Kressley. Fool! He soooo won't be able to survive it. Oh man. He's in way over his head here. He soooo picked the wrong target. Doofus! People LOVE Carson. He's HUGE. Yeah yeah, I know Lawsie is huge too... in Sydney. But check out what he said and try to tell me he's not rooted:

"Who is this pompous little pansy prig who was strutting around everywhere yesterday?" Laws said to his listeners.

"What the hell does a pillow biter know about judging girls?"

DUDE! You are so OVER! You've put your audience in the position of having to choose between you and Carson. And sorry mate, but they're totally gonna choose Carson. They LOVE Carson. Everyone loves Carson. I love Carson. Name one person who doesn't love Carson. You can't. And yet in reckless stupidity you refer to him as "what's-his-name"? What are you, suicidal? You GIT! You just don't know ANYTHING, do you?

Let me break it down for you. Carson secures deep and abiding affection wherever he goes. This means, Lawsie mate, that you are FINISHED! You went too big, man. You lost sight of your own place in the pecking order. People don't like that. And you know it.

Come on, anzac. Trying to save your arse with some "It was just a piece of satire" bullshit? What's that about? It just won't wash, cobber. "Satire" is far too edgy for you, and your listeners know that. So you just seem desperate now, and you won't be able to find a sympathetic ear anymore because you've already alienated EVERYONE. Because EVERYONE LOVES CARSON! God I love this! John Laws is going down! SUCKER!

Election day started so well... I woke up to a sunny morning, birds chirping and all. I switched on the TV (discovering Democracy Plaza - an ice rink!) to hear that there was unprecedented voter turnout. Yay! Protest vote... at least, that's what I thought at the time - as did many talking heads, I might add. But no, this record voter turnout was instead gonna vindicate Bush - legitimate his actions and his presidency. Chilling. EVEN FLORIDA. Surely they'd be pissed after last time, but no. Could this all have really been because of "moral issues"? And if it was, how does Bush score an edge over Kerry? Kerry thinks about morality and ethics and trying to do good, but this makes him aloof. Whereas Bush's laissez-faire attitude to killing and war comes across as strength and... moral courage. Bush may openly pray on televangelical talk shows, and talk of divine missions and good v. evil, but this really doesn't give him the edge here. Actually, it scares the shit out of me the way he's bringing God into the White House. a) God should not be involved in foreign policy, and b) if there is a God, I don't trust George W. Bush to translate his will.

I remember noticing on the coverage that some wack Senator was wanting to ban homosexual teachers from schools. A few years ago I would have laughed that off as the crazy vision of some fringe-dwelling nutter. But now, since everything has lurched so far to the right, I can seriously see that kind of shit going down. What has happened people?

Hurrah! Finally! I've been waiting months and months for this moment. I was beginning to think it would never happen, and now it has. At last! My community service activities have paid off. Someone has searched for "definition of felching" and ended up here. And they won't have been ripped off! Score! Oh, it's so much nicer to review the searchterms safe in the knowledge that people have found what they're looking for. Awesome.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Huh. That’s weird. We are a sex blog. And not just one of those run-of-the-mill sex blogs, either. No. We are a “cool” sex blog, with a 10/10 rating.

Now, it’s nice to see that our cool has been recognised, and we take the compliment without humility or qualification, thank you. But, are we particularly sex? I know someone searched for “brazilian fisting sex” to get here, but that happens to everyone right? I’m just not sure we deserve to be singled out for special acclaim, you know, when we're not really about the sex.

Moving on. Did anyone see Play School this morning? I only ask because it was delightfully pornographic. It was like, artful instructive porn, and it made me very happy. The hosts were making those rubbing pictures, you know, putting objects underneath a piece of paper and rubbing crayon and stuff over them to make a picture. And, as I was watching Rhys rub crayon over a fly-swatter, I was thinking to myself, “Wow. I wonder if that looks like a uterus to anyone else?” And then the girl host was painting watercolour paint over a leaf, in long, slow, sensual strokes, and I was like, “Whoah, vagina.” And all the while they were singing “Rubbing rubbing, here and there. Rubbing rubbing everywhere.” It was fantastic. Healthy enthusiastic subliminal sex education rocks. Go Play School, go wit yo baaaad self.

Hmmmm. What else? Oh yeah.

WHY WHY WHY?

What on earth would make people vote for George W Bush? He doesn't help ANYBODY! He doesn't work to make people's lives better AT ALL!

God. Apparently it all boiled down to something called "moral values". I just don't get that. Bush doesn't have them. Or at least, he doesn't have the monopoly on them, which seems to be the assumption.

Oh conservative people, why do you suck so bad? Why do you have to make the high voter turnout we thought would save America into such a scary, horrible thing? How did a dude named DeMint - who is such a fringe whack-job he wants to make abortion illegal and thinks that gay people and single mothers should be barred from teaching children - manage to become a Senator? Huh? Answer me! Fine! I'll draw my own conclusions.

I'm pretty sure it was all down to those state ballots and their freak-energising propositions. Here we all were thinking that the race was going to be decided on the qualities possessed by each presidential candidate, when in reality there was this whole other thing going on. People who didn't have a firm or impassioned position about the leadership of the country sure as fuck had an opinion to express about those damn gays. So out they came.

"The states of Ohio, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Michigan, North Dakota, Arkansas, Montana, Utah, and Oklahoma backed state constitutional amendments to define marriage as a union between a man and a woman. Oregon, where more than 3000 same-sex couples married in March, backed a similar amendment."

Oh, Oregon, how could you? Now, I love Oregon. It's the home of the Dandy Warhols and I consider it to be America's progressive state, sort of. So, thank you Oregon for giving your electoral votes to Kerry. That was cool. But, um, why the fuck did you let that fucking discriminatory marriage definition thing anywhere near your fucking ballot in the first place? And then, why did you compound your mistake by voting to fucking pass it? For shame, Oregon.

Another delightful thing that happened yesterday was that "Floridians voted for minors to get parental consent before having an abortion."

Yikes! You'll recall that our recent Aussie election was the Worst. Election. Ever. Well, the US embraced all the aspects that made up our worst election ever-ness, but took them to the WAY extreme. They raised our Family First senator [which we had thought so radically uncool] by electing Jim DeMint. They did the whole one-party dominance thing, just like us, but while we are waiting in fear to see what that might mean for the policy direction of our country, the Americans took the waiting out of their equation by passing a bunch of psychotic state laws. While we get freaked by even the merest possibility of the extreme stuff we see edging its way into our public discourse, in America it's just like, BAM! It's already over. It's not 'discourse', it's law. Fucked. Up.

Eeeeee, I'm so TENSE! There's all this RED on the map but then there's all these exit polls taunting me with hope, and then freaking me out because apparently they're not reliable. I need concrete numbers on Ohio NOW! I need BLUE BLUE BLUE. Please please please...

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Yay! I have internet again! Anyway, I made an interesting discovery at the video store on Sunday night (on my hellish long-weekend, Halloween shift, when brat kids trick or treat'd (?) me, trashed the place with toilet paper, and then called me psycho!). You know that awful cod-motivation ballad by Tiffan-i Wood, What Are You Waiting For? Well, it's also featured in Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, sung by someone entirely different... there you go.

Monday, November 01, 2004

I'm launching a new, er, 'column' for this blog. It probably won't last beyond this first instalment, doomed to go the way of 'The E List' and my 'Culture Diary', but whatever. I like the title, and would like to write it in bold, so I hereby unveil

"The British 'actor' was in Sydney this week for a breast cancer awareness function, which fits in swell with all the push-'em-out work she's done to develop breast awareness. She also squeezed in an appearance at a store, where 200 people paid $132 each to have the briefest of chats with her and sneak a peek down her fabulous cleavage, which she obligingly left on wide-angle show."

"Naturally, I'm not complaining about any of this. But, it surprises me that few women are, either".

Douchebag Item #2 in which Bolt quotes Martin Luther King Jr, because he's a jerk like that.

"THE Australia I have long loved didn't judge people by the colour of their skin. Until now."

Oh god, I love how whack his presentation of our history is. Douchebag. But anyway, that "until now" sounds scary. What's up, Andrew? What's happening to make Australia racist for the first time, like, ever?

Ah, the forces of "the New Racism" are doing ghastly things to Victoria's constitution by adding clauses that recognise that our state was established "without proper consultation, recognition or involvement of the Aboriginal people", and that Victorian Aborigines were its original custodians, and have a "unique status", etc. What fucking arseholes! What are they playing at? Don't they know that Australia is a really really unimpeachably great country, and Victoria an equally great state, founded peacefully and consentually on the best principles ever, with no stealing or murder or war or screwing people over at all?

"These changes are immoral. They are racist. They drag us back towards tribalism, and away from the spirit that built this free, rich and tolerant country."

"And the Australia I have long loved is being taken away from me. And you."

Nah man, only Victoria. Douchebag.

Douchebag Item #3 in which Bolt is hilarious, calls John Kerry weak, French, and a namby pamby goose killer.

"IF Americans get next Tuesday's election wrong, our lives will be less safe.
I know, it sounds melodramatic to call the Democrat challenger, Senator John Kerry, a comfort to terrorists.

After all, you probably saw him last week, when he tried to show what a gun-happy tough he is, honest, by going out in borrowed camouflage to shoot a dozing goose.

We even got to see the shot-pocked bird, held up by its limp neck, as Kerry showed off his bloodied left hand. So caution: Kerry can kill. Birds, small squirrels – you name it, he'll blast it. If he's sure you'll approve.

Boy, that will sure make Osama bin Laden wet his dish-dash. That'll impress the terrorists who don't just grab goose necks, but saw right through human ones.

Wait, Ahmed, they will now cry. Don't slit the infidel's throat. Let's not get Kerry angry. Remember what he did to the goose."

God, he's so fucking funny, that Bolt. And a douchebag. Nothing slips by him. Yes, "borrowed camouflage", a "dozing goose". Score! Still, I don't understand why he's making this point, being sarcastic like ooooooh, Kerry can kill, I'm so scared, when like, Kerry HAS killed people. And it's not funny to him, because he's a thoughtful man. I mean weak.

"Check his record. Kerry served briefly in the Vietnam War, before falsely accusing his fellow soldiers of routinely committing 'war crimes'. He preached defeat, and met delegates of the North Vietnamese enemy in Paris.

Elected a senator, he fought Ronald Reagan's decision to deploy Pershing missiles in Europe and engage the Soviet Union in an arms race it couldn't afford.

If it had been up to Kerry, would the exhausted Soviet Union have collapsed so soon, allowing democracy to bloom in Eastern Europe?"

Oh. My. God. So much wrongness. Cannot deal. Will try though.

First off, Kerry served less "briefly" in Vietnam than Bush did, and he volunteered to do it, okay? Douchebag. Secondly, he didn't falsely accuse anyone of anything. He simply repeated before a Congressional committee what had been told to him, during nation-wide Vietnam Veterans Against the War meetings, by other returned soldiers about their experience of Vietnam. And many of them said they had committed war crimes. He also made a general point about free fire zones contravening the Geneva Convention, or something routine like that. Douchebag. Thirdly, he didn't preach defeat. He preached conscience, accountability, recognition of reality, a corrective. Douchebag. And though I can't be sure of the factual accuracy of anything Bolt claims, I have no problem accepting that Kerry met delegates of the North Vietnamese "enemy", and in Paris no less. I mean, in his Senate work he lobbied for and then led investigations/negotiations, alongside John McCain, which were devoted to finding out if there remained any American POWs in Vietnam. It took years and years and lots of work to get access and disclosure and stuff. And like, who was he going to get that from other than the North Vietnamese? Douchebag. And finally, Kerry's a bad guy for opposing the arms race? Um... DOUCHEBAG!