Jokes (TV)

-WRITTEN BETWEEN SEPTEMBER 2011 and May 2015 (VERY ABRIDGED)

A church in Alabama has started holding Sunday services at a Buffalo Wild Wings restaurant. It’s just like a regular service, except now parishioners pray to the Father, the Son, and the honey barbecue sauce.

New research suggests that public restrooms are no more healthy or unhealthy than the ones in people’s homes. Or at least that’s what you tell yourself when it’s an emergency.

Melissa Etheridge has announced plans to sell a line of “cannabis ­infused fine wines.” Which I can only assume will go by the name “Sleeping Juice.”

Police in Ireland are searching for whoever stole more than 15,000 bottles of Jameson from a warehouse. Authorities are describing the thieves as armed and extremely Irish.

The largest truffle ever unearthed is being auctioned off for an estimated 1 million white people dollars.

Organizers of SantaCon, New York’s annual bar crawl, have hired a civil rights attorney to prevent the city from banning the event, in what’s quickly turning into a scene out of “Miracle on 34th Street,” only with a lot more vomit.

Mariah Carey announced on “The Ellen Degeneres Show” on Thursday that she will begin a residency at Ceasers Palace in Las Vegas later this year. Carey said the plan was in the works for awhile, but she needed to find a venue that was big enough for both her and her ego.

Facebook has begun testing a new mobile app called “Facebook at Work” that allows employees to connect and collaborate with colleagues. Or, as it’s also known, Regular Facebook.

TV viewers in Norway are anxiously watching coverage of a mountain, which may or may not soon have a rock slide. Meanwhile, here in America, the only thing that has consistently gone downhill on TV is “American Idol.”

Teachers and students at an Arizona high school located on the nation’s largest Native American reservation have voted in a poll to keep the school’s nickname as the Redskins saying they don’t think it’s a racial slur. Right, because there’s no one more sensitive to other people’s feelings than a group of high school students.

Warren Buffett this week lost 2 billion dollars in the stock market. Sadly, that only leaves him with ALL THE OTHER MONEY.

A new app is being developed called “Tug,” which sends “Look Up” alerts to smartphone users if they are about to enter a crosswalk against the signal. But if you're a person who needs that, it's probably best you just get hit by the car.

According to a new survey, people who own Great Dane dogs are more likely to be extremely low paid. And people who own a lot of cats are more likely to have nobody to leave their money to.

Officials with the Chipolte Mexican Grill chain said this week that drought and climate change may force them to stop serving guacamole and salsa at their stores. As a result, thousands of Chipotle fans now consider themselves environmentalists.

Federal officials have begun stricter Ebola screenings at New York’s JFK Airport for all travelers arriving from West Africa. Now, in addition to the question "Do you have Ebola?," they also ask, "Are you SURE you don't have Ebola?"

A new pool has opened in Italy, which is the deepest in the world, going down nearly 140 feet. So, come to Italy to visit the 140 feet deep pool; stay because you can't get out.

A South Carolina woman was arrested after she called 911 to complain that a Subway restaurant prepared her flat bread pizza with marina sauce and not pizza sauce. The woman was charged with two counts of buying pizza at a Subway.

Iran said this week that it has successfully copied an American unmanned droned that it captured in 2011. Iran realized it was an American drone right away after seeing all of the parts were made in China.

Three students in California who were caught smoking marijuana in a school restroom were only in the third grade. “That’s WAY too young...” said the school’s fourth graders.

It was announced this week that a man, who went searching for his biological father, discovered evidence that he was the Zodiac Killer, making for the worst Ancestry.com commercial ever.

A 72 year­old substitute teacher in Connecticut was arrested for public indecency in a school hallway after he was caught by a women who told police he was "manipulating his penis." Which is fancy­ Connecticut slang for jus jackin' it.

A 50,000 square foot mansion in Los Angeles was sold this week for 102 million dollars in cash. No word on who bought the mansion with that much cash, but all signs point to the villain from a James Bond movie.

Two men in upstate New York were arrested for allegedly filming cow porn after a farmer noticed the cows had trouble producing milk and appeared anxious. Though in the two men's defense, those cows were HOT.

In a recent interview with People Magazine, Paula Deen compared her scandal to, and I quote, "That black football player who recently came out. " Listen... I'm sure Paula is an absolute pro in the kitchen, but the one thing she definitely has trouble making is sense.

Seth Rogen spoke during a Senate hearing this week, advocating for Alzheimer's research and joking about weed. Rogen's testimony came off great, except for an awkward moment when Joe Biden approached him afterwards asking if he "knew a guy” he could refer him to... “If you know what I mean.”

Two New York City performance artists will spend 10 days living, eating and sleeping in a giant hamster wheel. Or as their parents tell their friends: ”I don’t have any kids.”

A breakthrough in the fight against Alzheimer's disease is being hailed as a turning point, and will be revealed as soon as researchers remember what it is.

Men's Warehouse has rejected a 2.3 billion dollar takeover offer from Joseph A. Bank. Said Men's Warehouse, "We didn't like the way that looked."

New York City's Metro North Rail Line from Connecticut has recently been down due to electrical problems, stranding many riders who commute into the city. So please, find it in your heart to have some sympathy for those who are forced to stay in that terrifying place known as "suburban Connecticut."

Ray Parker, Jr. has filed a lawsuit saying that he is owed millions of dollars in royalties for the Ghostbusters theme song. So I guess the answer to the question, "Who ya gonna call?" is "lawyers."

Firefighters in Florida rescued a seven foot boa constrictor from a house fire. "Yeah, maybe that shouldn't be your first priority," said the family still trapped inside.

In a recent interview, Britney Spears said "A lot of sex goes into what I do," which leads me to believe that everything Britney does should be tested for chlamydia.

Yoshinoya, a popular Japanese fast-food chain, has announced plans to grow rice and vegetables on a farm 60 miles from the crippled Fukushima nuclear power plant. Because if your diet already consists of fast food, to hell with it, right?

A British lawmaker who called his own party’s female members “sluts” at an event for women in politics has resigned. Said real sluts, "Don't ever compare us to politicians!"

A tech company has created a robotic version of a kangaroo that hops like the real animal. Said the tech company, "WISH we remembered why we did this..."

Remote cameras in Siberia recorded the rare sight of a golden eagle killing a deer. And if you look REALLY close in the background, you can see Miley Cyrus twerking.

US airlines last year earned a record high 6 billion dollars for additional fees such as checking a bag or changing a flight... and that's just from one dude. (Picture: A sad guy.)

A Georgia man is saying that he has discovered a 70 year-old copy of the official Coca-Cola recipe and he is selling it on eBay for 5 million dollars. Hey dude, you know already-made Coca Cola is sold at literally every store on earth, right?

Manti Te'o's fake girlfriend was included in Maxim's newest Hot 100 list, because you'll have the same amount of a chance with her that you'd have with the other 99 real girls.

New York City taxi cabs will now feature trivia games for riders that asks questions about taxis, the first question of which should be "Why does this exist?!"

A designer in New York is working on an electric “horseless carriage” that is hoped will replace the city’s horse-drawn carriages, which critics say are cruel to the animals. That’s a "horseless carriage," or as it's otherwise known, a car.

Officials in Colorado and Washington are planning to regulate the sale of various marijuana products ranging from baked goods to the plant itself, all under a new set of health and safety rules they're calling: "Bro. Chill..."

The rules will be implemented whenever officials remember what they are.

New York City officials announced this week that the Statue of Liberty will reopen on July 4th after being shut down last fall due to damage from Hurricane Sandy, and as a result will feature some minor renovations. (Picture: The Statue of Liberty holding an umbrella).

More than 78,000 people have applied to be part of a proposed mission to send 4 people to Mars in 2023 to start a colony, which sounds great to me if it means I'll never have to hear about "Duck Dynasty" again.

The lead singer of the band As I Lay Dying was arrested after being charged with trying to hire someone to kill his wife. She had no idea about the plot, despite being married to the man who sings in a band called As I Lay Dying.

At the height of the 2012 Presidential election results coverage, ABC News studios lost power for about 20 minutes. Though that's not as bad as Fox News, who lost power for the next four years.

Due to Hurricane Sandy, the T-shirt shop where the cast of "Jersey Shore" worked on the show was heavily damaged. As a result, Governor Christie said "We will rebuild... everything but that."

A lot of Americans were out of work all this week thanks to the storm, which explains Sandy's new nickname: "China."

Officials say Sandy could wind up costing New York 20 billion in cleanup. The last thing that expensive to lose this much in New York were the Yankees.

A new poll shows that young voters support President Obama by a narrower margin than they did in 2008. And if there's one thing today’s overweight youth are having trouble with, it's narrower margins.

A new poll shows that young voters support President Obama by a narrower margin than they did in 2008. Which could explain Obama's new campaign pledge of free X-Boxes for everybody!

Richard Stratton, the former publisher of High Times magazine, announced this week that he plans to run for governor of New York in 2014. Insiders say he'll run as a member of the "I'm Too Damn High Party."

While performing in Spain this past weekend, Lady Gaga vomited in the middle of a song, but did not stop her show at all. The audience was unfazed because when you hear the sounds of vomit on stage, it's usually just dubstep.

Police in Florida arrested a 13 year-old girl who allegedly stabbed 20 students at her school with a device used by diabetics to measure blood sugar. But judging by how fat kids are today, she was probably just doing them a favor.

Police in Ohio are searching for a man who robbed a gas station by placing sixteen cans of Red Bull in his pants and running away. Authorities are trying to figure out whether or not he drank the Red Bull, because if so, he's probably still out there running.

New research suggests that the chemical bisphenol A, which is found in many plastic bottles, may raise obesity levels in children. Even worse, the popularity of Taco Bell’s new Cheesy Bisphenol A Supreme.

Scientists reported Monday this was America’s third hottest summer on record. Or as conservatives are calling it, America’s third hottest coincidence.

A woman in New York city has launched a new after-school program in which parents would pay 350 dollars for their children to play unsupervised in Central Park. Which sounds to me like a great way to find out who all of the terrible parents are.

A Massachusetts man, who owned a magic store, was sentenced to two years in prison for stealing more than 560,000 dollars from a customer’s credit card. Or as the man insists, he made the money "disappear".

House Republicans on Tuesday urged the TSA to turn over security screenings to a private companies, reduce airport pat-downs of passengers, and shrink the size of the department. "Cool, keep us posted" said Al Qaeda.

-WRITTEN BETWEEN AUGUST 2013 and January 2014. (Very abridged)

In a press conference today, President Obama called for the end of the NSA's ability to store the phone data of millions of Americans. The bad news? He had his fingers crossed behind his back the entire time.

In a press conference today, President Obama said that the gathering of information on millions of Americans will not continue. And why should it? That's what Facebook is for.

Well, the iPhone has finally been officially released in China. That means that, for the first time ever, the same people who make the iPhone can finally USE the iPhone.

In other to appeal to kids, the White House has produced a video showing basketball star Magic Johnson promoting Obamacare. Not to be outdone, Dennis Rodman appeared in a North Korea-produced video promoting public executions.

In other to appeal to kids, the White House has produced a commercial showing Magic Johnson promoting Obamacare. In it, Johnson said, ""Young people, they think they're Superman, like nothing's ever going to happen to them." Said Justin Bieber: "Tell me about it."

Tim Cook over at Apple had a big media event today announcing the new iPad. Cook said it's "screaming fast," and you know what that means? Now men will be able to send out pictures of their penises quicker than ever.

According to Cook, while the old iPad weighed 1.4 pounds, this new iPad comes in at just one pound. So at least SOMETHING in America is losing weight.

The new iPad is known as the iPad Air, and it's so small that apparently it's able to hide behind a pencil. Really? Is that what we need, things to get smaller? I can never find my television remote, and that thing's bigger than my fist.

Apparently, their new Macbook Pro was designed in California and assembled in the US across 20 states. Ya know, kinda like Kris Jenner.

During a recent performance, Kanye West's pants ripped open onstage. When Miley Cyrus heard about it, she was like "Is that all?"

Well, Miley Cyrus is finally addressing her break-up with actor Liam Hemsworth. The reason for their split? Irreconcilable Tongue-ness.

For the past month, Miley has been hiding the details of her break-up- which I guess was the only thing she WAS covering up.

Former Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was sentenced to 28 years in prison today for corruption charges. When he heard about his sentence, Kwame was like, "At least it'll be better than living in Detroit."

I don't think that's too big a deal. In prison, he'll get the same amount of work politicians usually get done... Nothing!

South Korea is saying that North Korea has restarted one of their Nuclear Reactors. That's how you know the world has gone insane: North Korea's nuclear reactor has started up, while the US Government is shutdown. Shouldn't it be the other way around?!

I kind of don't blame the North Koreans- if I had to hang out with Dennis Rodman, I'd wanna start nuking people too.

The reactor has been shut down since 2007. To give you an idea of how long ago that was, back then no one had even seen Miley Cyrus' tounge.

Have you heard about what's happening over in Italy? Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has dropped a bid to topple the entire government. In response, Americans were like, "You can do that?!"

All the news networks were treating the countdown to the midnight shutdown last night like it was New Year's Eve. It got so crazy, Anderson Cooper took a belly shot off of Wolf Blitzer.

Yeah, the government shutdown started at midnight last night. Politicians were furious, because all of the interns they were hooking up with had to immediately go home.

The government shutdown is affecting every government operation. Hey, if this means I don't have to pay taxes anymore- let the government shutdown go on for as long as possible!

A group of World War II veterans stormed the World War II monument today in Washington because it was closed. Just goes to show ya, these guys are in their 80's and 90's and they still have bigger balls than today's politicians.

The Pope began a 3-day brainstorming meeting with Vatican officials today, and he said he wants to make the church more "modern." So now, instead of just preaching during mass, Priests now have to "Twerk."

YouTube announced today they are launching their own awards show. I guess that explains why one of the nominees for Best Solo Artist is a cat who knows how to flush a toilet.

-(VERY ABRIDGED)

NEWSROOM: Joe Biden Misplaces Keys To White House- In a public relations nightmare for the Obama administration, the newsroom reports on a recent revelation that this past February, Vice President Joe Biden accidently lost the keys to the White House, locking everyone out and effectively stalling government for a period of 3 hours. Biden, who later found the keys in the pocket of a pair of pants which were headed for the laundry, apologized profusely and promised to keep a closer eye on them. As a result, a duplicate copy of the White House’s keys were made and given to John Boehner.

TODAY NOW!: FAA Hires First Blind Air Traffic Controller- Jim and Tracy interview the first blind air traffic controller, who was hired in order to create a more diverse staff. The controller discusses his technique how he attempts to simply sense when planes may be coming in for landings and takeoffs. Despite daily crashes resulting in multiple fatalities since taking the job, the fact that the FAA is an equal opportunity employer is championed by all.

IN THE KNOW: Utah Votes To “Think About” Same Sex Marriage- The gang discusses the surprising move, hot on the heals of President Obama’s support of gay marriage, to at least start to “think about gay marriage.” Debated are the issues the people of Utah promised they’d ponder, including whether or not it will automatically ruin all traditional marriages, whether fire will indeed rain from the sky if gays begin to get married in the state, and in order to avoid embarrassment, exactly what people in other states will think about the decision- if and when they do make one.

NEWSROOM: 15 Israelis Killed In Cliche Suicide Bus Attack- The newsroom reports on a breaking story out of Hebron, Israel where 15 people were killed in an unoriginal suicide bus attack. Blowing up the bus while it was parked outside a busy night club, this new attack shows that terrorists no longer have the creativity they once did. A CIA analyst interviewed explains that there are “limitless possibilities to new ways terrorists can inflict attacks, including doing something with chemical weapons, involve a few double-agents posing as police, or even changing the location to a city not as effected by terrorists, like Miami or Rome. That would really scare the shit out of people”

TODAY NOW!: Michelle Obama Shows Off Glorious Arms While Giving Speech On Something Or Other- Jim and Tracy have a political strategist on the show to discuss a recent rousing and emotional speech Michelle gave, however the conversation focuses solely on Michelle’s tone arms. Touching on the fact that Michelle sent chills through the audience, Tracy wonders how exactly she keeps in such great shape. As clips of Michelle’s speech are showcased, the audio is drowned out by the anchors expressing an infatuation with Michelle’s fit body.

NEWSROOM: White House Updates Computer System From Dial-Up to Cable- In what is a major upgrade, the White House has completed installing a cable modem for a more efficient internet thanks to recent grants. The dial-up system, which had been in use since 1997, had various drawbacks including taking 4 hours to download one page of any document, users making sure no one picked up a phone anywhere in the building while signed on to the Internet, and “that annoying ‘ping, doooo, kushhhhhh’ sound” every time someone logged on. The newsroom also reports that the next project the White House will tackle is changing the hookup for all TVs in the famed building from antenna to cable.

IN THE KNOW: Los Angeles To Start Trucking In Clean Air- The gang weighs a bid by LA city planners to make the city ‘greener.’ The air, which will be captured in large semi-tractor trailers in the northern California mountains, will make the trek on an hourly basis to LA, open their doors, then turn back to fetch more fresh air. The gang unanimously supports the decision, hailing it as a “touchdown” for environmentalists that proves Los Angeles is one of the most progressive cities in the nation.

STAR FIX: Carl Ratzinger Announces Resignation of Papacy, Engagement to Pop Star Rihanna- Angelique Clark has some breaking showbiz news about Rihanna and the Pope’s recent engagement. Clark explains that the Pope first met Rihanna at the MTV Video Music Awards, but they only recently started chatting when the Pope’s butler was arrested. In a statement, the Pope said that he’s “prayed all his life for a love like this,” calling Rihanna “a wonderful woman who showed me what a true blessing really is.” Rihanna first confirmed the relationship over Twitter, saying that she’s “<3 <3 all UP in THE pope’s D----.”

STAR FIX: “Lady Gaga” Just A Big James Franco Stunt- Angelique Clark has some hot gossip about “singer” ‘Lady Gaga’, who has been revealed to be just a character James Franco has been playing for the past few years. In a statement, Franco said he’d “never thought this project would take off,” and notes how it’s been “hard to juggle making appearances” as both the ‘Lady Gaga’ creation and himself amid his busy film career and schooling.

STAR FIX: Vanity Fair Releases Annual “Failed Hollywood Dreams” Issue- Angelique Clark reports on the June 2012 issue of Vanity Fair, which focuses on various failed Hollywood dreams, featuring a gorgeous photo-spread by Annie Lebovitz. The subjects range from people who toiled for years in showbiz only to give up and work at local fast food eateries, to others who entertained the notion of acting but were too lazy and/or poor to attend even a single audition.

TODAY NOW!: Arizona City Voted “Most Ehhh” Place To Live- Jim and Tracy speak to the editor of Travel Life Magazine, whose readers recently voted Jeanson, Arizona as the “Most Ehh” Place to live. The editor explains that places were judged by how mundane and typical they are to Tracy, who is already interested in takng a vacation there. Other results revealed that New York City is the most “Ayyyyy!” place to live, and Newark is the most “Uughhhh” place to live.

-WRITTEN BETWEEN MARCH AND DECEMBER 2009, (VERY ABRIDGED)

Today is the day after Valentines Day! Or if you were trying to save money, the perfect time to get back together with your girlfriend!

When asked about Egypt during a press conference today, President Obama said that "there are certain universal principles we should all adhere to. One of them is to not believe in violence as away of maintaining control. The other is Gym, Tan, Laundry."

President Obama said he wants to "take a scalpel to the US budget, not a machete." Upon hearing this, Biden slowly lowered his machete and put it back under his desk.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Burlusconi was indicted today on prostitution charges, and many in Italy are calling on him to resign. After seeing what's happening with Burlusconi, Charlie Sheen is canceling his plans to run for Italian Prime Minister.

Officials became suspicious that Burlusconi was involved with prostitutes when, while planning the Italian budget, he said to 'leave the money on the dresser'.

A McDonalds in Hong Kong has started offering McWeddings. It's a traditional service, but instead of throwing rice, the couple is pelted with McNuggets.

The marriage ceremony is held in-store, but they don't get to have the happy meal until the honeymoon.

New York City has launched a smartphone App that shows users the closest place to get free condoms, but beware- I hear everyone that downloads the App just winds up getting screwed.

A man was fired from Wal*Mart after it was discovered he was using medical marijuana. The man said he had a good reason for using the marijuana- he worked at Wal*Mart.