Mock the Week (2005) Episode Scripts

N/A - Rob Beckett, Milton Jones, Ellie Taylor, Josh Widdicombe

1
# Read about the things that happen
throughout the world
# Don't believe in everything
you see or hear
# Read all about it
# Read all about it
# News of the world
News of the world
# Read all about it
# Read all about it
News of the world
News of the world.
This programme contains
some strong language.
Hello, and welcome to Mock The Week.
I'm Dara O Briain. Joining me
this week are Andy Parsons,
Ellie Taylor and Rob Beckett,
Josh Widdicombe, Hugh Dennis
and Milton Jones.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
We start with a round called If This
Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
On the board are six categories.
Ellie, which category
would you like?
- Science, please. - Science.
Yes. Whoop! Science!
One up our team.
Your category is Science.
The answer is seven months.
What is the question?
Is it how old
Princess Charlotte will be
when the Daily Mail start
commenting on her weight?
Is it, how long does my nephew think
I've been playing hide and seek
with him?
Is it how long until Sepp Blatter
gets bummed in prison?
Is it how old was Jack Whitehall when
he first appeared on this programme?
Is it, if I get a 30-second advert
before a YouTube video,
how long does that feel?
- You can skip it in five! - You can't
always skip, you can't always skip!
Some of them you have to prove you're
over 18 as well, it's a nightmare.
Is it, if I was in charge,
what would be the prison sentence
for saying "chillax"?
Is it, how long does it take
to get to Glasgow on a Megabus?
Dissing Megabus.
I am the accepted face
- As if you've ever gone on a Megabus.
- I'm on every Megabus.
Is it how long it takes Dara
to start a sentence?
- "Eh." - What?!
What's this? Are you going on
Britain's Got Talent now?
I really haven't got over
that Britain's Got Talent thing.
You've brought it up out of nowhere
two weeks in a row!
And I will continue to until
I hunt that man down and kill him.
It wasn't the fact he did it,
it was the fact it was the snippet
they chose -
they take one second from each act
and his was just him going "Ehh"
With a number underneath. "Ehh"
0898 999!
"Ehh" There's more to me
than that!
- Is there? - No.
There's not.
Is it, to avoid suspicion,
how long is Mo Farah
planning to run
his next 10,000m in?
OK, correct answer, please?
Is it how long it took for me to
get over seeing my dad in the bath?
That's very quick, actually,
isn't it?
- It took me four years. - Really?
What were you doing
looking at my dad?
APPLAUSE
Surely more the question is,
what was your dad
doing in his bath?!
Friday night's Friday night
It's to do with that thing
on the comet.
That thing
- Points to our team!
- That's your correct answer?
"It's to do with that thing
on the comet"?
- There's a thing - I can't believe
that this is the right answer.
Oh, my God.
Go on. It's basically,
how long was the space probe
that landed on the comet asleep for?
Absolutely right, thank you
very much, Andy Parsons.
Well done, mate.
The question I was looking for is,
how long had the Philae lander
spacecraft spent in hibernation
after it landed on a comet
in November last year.
After seven months of receiving
no contact from Philae,
the European Space Agency
revealed over the weekend
that the probe had made contact
with scientists again.
Fantastic, wasn't it? Basically the
signal apparently takes half an hour
to get to Earth,
and the battery lasted 87 seconds.
That is a bit like being on O2
with an iPhone 4, that, isn't it?
The tweet that was sent from
the Philae account just said:
If I was in charge of
the Twitter account,
I'd have just put,
"Oh, shit! Aliens!"
I can't believe it's got reception
in space.
I can't even get Wi-Fi
in my kitchen.
I think it's quite interesting
that as a British probe,
it was like, it didn't do
anything for seven months,
got a little bit of sunshine and
was like, "Ooh!" - got all excited.
I reckon he's got a little knotted
hanky on his head up there,
organising some rounders
and a barbecue
He'll be complaining about the heat
soon. "Too hot now."
There's an exact moment where
it's just the right amount of heat
before "Oh, God,
I'm tired of barbecues now."
Apparently it reported back that
the average temperature of the comet,
-50 degrees.
So apparently Fifa are thinking of
awarding it the 2026 World Cup.
I looked up at the plough the other
day and I thought to myself,
"I really regret lying down
in this field."
What they said, though, didn't they,
it was essentially like
chucking a washing machine
out of an airliner
and trying to land it
on a space the size of Regent's Park.
Now, I used to live near
Regent's Park, in Camden,
and a lot of the back gardens
did have washing machines in them.
So I reckon they've had a few cracks
at this experiment.
It looks well technical.
Is it a Dyson?
Who's taken that photo?
That's what I want to know.
- That's not actually - He's got
a selfie stick, that's what it is.
They've discovered though,
that apparently,
- the water on the comet
is not the right water. - No.
It's not the right water as Earth.
- It's not the right water.
- How does that work?
Did they find fizzy
instead of still? What's going on?
How different can the water be?
Can you still have a bath in it?
- Yes. - Can you still see Rob's dad
in there?
Yes!
If I close my eyes,
I can still see Rob's dad in there.
Seven months!
How has the behaviour
of Western tourists
- upset people in Malaysia recently?
- Oh
this is the girl that stripped off
on top of the mountain.
Yes,
it's Escape From Boobs Mountain.
She said that they didn't know
it was an issue,
but you just presume that
when you to go places
Like, if I walk into
St Paul's Cathedral,
I'm not looking for a sign with like
a penis with a red cross through it.
I'm just going,
"They don't want to see my cock."
Just swaying gently -
"I don't see it written anywhere."
"You produce a rule book for me, and
I'll stopmotioning like this."
Basically, wasn't there six days
between her getting her kit off
and the earthquake? So those gods,
they took quite a long time
to decide to be offended,
didn't they?
I'm wondering if they spent a lot of
that time just looking at the photos.
It has become a thing. This is one
of the photographs taken of them.
- They're all doing it.
- It's a weird trend.
We have them up mountains,
people do it Yeah, all right.
- That one was me. - Next to a canyon,
champ, it's not going to impress.
Oh!
This is, you know,
that's Harry Styles, for a start.
They actually
didn't know each other,
they're just meeting
for the first time.
"Hey, bonjour!" "Bonjour!"
"Oh, I know, my washing machine
is on a comet."
APPLAUSE
And how is an Italian neuroscientist
hoping to make medical history?
This is brilliant, this is
an absolutely fantastic story.
He is planning to give someone
a head transplant.
Or to take someone's head off and
transplant it on to another body.
It's a bit ridiculous, though, innit?
Like, how in demand are heads?
Who's at home going, "Finally, I can
get a head now! All these years!"
I think you've mixed up a head
transplant and a body transplant.
No-one is going, "If only my body
had the head it deserved!"
I am.
You are quite ripped, aren't you?
I reckon he's on the blag. He'll get
two people that look quite similar,
get rid of one of them and just do
a little dotted line round the neck.
"Done it! Nailed it."
But you would never, ever want to be
a head donor, would you?
Cos that just sounds like
a PC job title for a prostitute.
I don't think - and I know little
enough about the sex industry -
that they regard it as a donation.
- Well, you are GIVING head.
- Yes, you are!
- Also - Speak for yourself!
APPLAUSE
- You know. - Maybe they go,
"The head is free, it's the
companionship you're paying for."
If you hadn't seen somebody
for ages,
and whenever you had seen them
they'd always been in a wheelchair,
and then you suddenly saw them
walking along the street,
you'd be quite freaked out by that,
wouldn't you, right?
But it would not be as freaky
as if you thought somebody had died
and then you saw them
walking along the street
with exactly the same tattoos
as the person who died.
That would freak you right out,
wouldn't it?
Would there be an element of,
you would want
You know, I don't know if you can
request "no tattoos", though
You'd wake up and be, like,
"Why is THAT pierced?!"
"I'm not married to Mabel!
What the hell is this doing here?
"This is going to be awkward
when I go home."
I love that your go-to name
for a wife was Mabel.
It's It's actually Mary,
I thought it was too Irish.
I thought, "Oh, I better pick
something English.
"Mabel! That's a standard
English name."
"Have you met
my beautiful wife Mabel?"
- If you put a head
on someone else's body - Yeah.
..are heads gender-specific?
- Do they have to go on the same?
- That's a very interesting question.
You'd have to find the match.
Sometimes a head is much too large
for a body
- so, for example, if your head
- Right
..was to go, was to go on Posh Spice,
that would look
- that would look ridiculous.
- She'd be lolling
Difficult to know which of us it is,
would be lolling ferociously.
I would be having some confusing
feelings looking at that.
Who would you be blocking out?
Seriously, Josh, be honest with me.
Would you be blocking out me
or Posh in this situation?
Or would you be like those
superhero mashup toys?
- Which Spice Girl would they choose,
then? - Posh, I think.
No, they'd choose Scary,
cos she's like, you know Built.
- Sporty Spice? - I don't think
they give you a catalogue of all
- of just the Spice Girls.
- Oh, totally misunderstood the story.
"I need a new body." "Well,
these are your five exact choices."
"Oh, that seems unusual, erm"
So I could choose
one of the All Saints?
If you can remember their names.
Essentially,
that's what the Sugababes have
been for about ten years, anyway.
And the points go to Rob, Ellie
and Andy!
APPLAUSE
Now we play a round called
Third Mock From The Sun.
This game involves Ellie and Milton,
so if you could make your way
to the performance area, please.
This round is a stand-up challenge.
I launch the Wheel Of News
and wherever it chooses to stop,
one of our performers will step
forward and talk about that subject.
OK, here we go, let's have a
look at the first topic.
And the first subject is
relationships.
Ellie
So, I've got quite a close
relationship with my sister,
and she's got my little nephew,
Henry, who is, erm, a prick
No, he is, don't take his side,
you haven't met him.
Erm, because before he came along
I was the youngest in the family,
I was the baby of the family, which
we all know is the socially
acceptable
way for saying, "Favourite!"
A role I was born to play,
until my sister, Slaggy McSlaggyson,
got herself knocked up by some dude
she had barely been married to
for six years.
Suddenly it was all about her
and the baby within!
Now, initially, naively,
I did actually get quite excited
about the pregnancy. Cos I think,
especially from a female
point of view you wouldn't be human
if you didn't get excited about
your sister putting on a lot
of weight.
Had a lot of fun with that. We did.
I changed her ringtone to the
sound of a large lorry reversing.
Just sisterly banter, really. But the
banter stopped when the baby came,
cos suddenly it was all about him.
No-one paid me
any attention any more.
I don't know if you've ever had like
a family dinner with a small child
around - it's a nightmare.
There's food being thrown,
there's shit everywhere,
there's tits hanging out
You name it, I tried it -
still nothing.
- Thank you. - Ellie Taylor! Very good.
OK, that leaves us with Milton,
let's see what you've been given,
let's spin the wheel.
And the topic is Entertainment.
LAUGHTER
I'm reading a book at the moment -
it's called The Anticlimax.
The first part is good
I see Rihanna had to cancel
a concert
because she got salmonella,
ella, ella
I also see
that down by the Thames
they're making another wheel,
this time dedicated to Mary Poppins,
called the
London
Umdiddleddiddlediddleumdiddl-eye.
My grandmother - she got her scarf
caught in one of those
Ferris wheels. But she did regain
consciousness, after all,
what goes around
I was in a nativity play once, I was
the man who scares the children
cos he comes into the hall
on the wrong day to play badminton.
Lionel Richie says hello,
by the way.
The other day,
I saw a sheep pole dancing
in a kebab shop.
Thank you very, very much. OKand
the points go to Milton Jones!
APPLAUSE
Our next round is called
Picture Of The Week.
I show the panel a topical image
and ask them to tell me
what's happening.
So, what's going on here?
You know that thing
when a dog's eaten a bee?
Is David Cameron going, "Six pages -
is this really the complete
"list of taxpayers in Greece?"?
Is it, David Cameron can almost
smell the shit coming off
the Tory manifesto?
APPLAUSE
I got a bit political, didn't I?
Is he looking at the tea menu
and he's saying,
"I'll have the millionaire's
shortbread,
"or as I call it, shortbread"?
Is it Cameron upset to see no Dizzee
Rascal on the karaoke song book?
He does a very good Bonkers,
actually. A very good Bonkers.
Is it Cameron orders Eton mess
for dessert and for the country?
Sorry Has Rob Beckett had
a head transplant?
I've got a tiny dick now
but I love politics.
Have you got a third joke
that you're going to do about?
Go on!
Cameron preparing to sell
NHS at auction.
It's fun doing politics, isn't it?
What a time to be alive!
Is that Cameron checking the TV
listings, going,
"Rob Beckett's on Mock The Week,
that's the end of me, then"?
"His hard-hitting caustic satire is
finishing me, it's finishing me.
"He's mocking me on that Week."
If the joke's not good enough,
just put your hand up in the air.
"Am I right, brothers,
am I right? Yeah.
"Me dad's in the bath and I've got
some politics, let's go!"
Is it Cameron reading a note
that just says,
"David, this is the only way
I could speak to you.
"I haven't heard from you
since May the 7th, call me,
"Nick, xoxo."
Or is he just going,
"Oh, it says here,
"Nick Clegg is, in fact, doing
"the Sheffield panto at Christmas,
that's what it says here"?
He's bounced back.
This, I think,
is Cameron at the G7, isn't it?
It is, absolutely, yes.
It's Cameron at the G7,
why is he having these high-level
meetings?
He's trying to kind of get them
to make some changes to the EU
to convince
Cos we're doing this whole EU vote.
I think the EU is misbranded.
No-one would want to leave
if they called it
The League of Legends.
If they said, "Do you want to leave
The League of Legends?"
I'd go, "No, mate,
I'm the chairman."
We've got to vote again, already.
I only voted
- It's in two years' time.
- Oh, I'm going to start feeling like
a paedo standing round school
halls at eight in the morning.
- It's embarrassing. - You don't
have to wait around for two years
- I strongly advise not to.
- I'm into politics now!
- I want to think about it.
- What does he? What's his?
He wants major concessions,
mainly on free movement of people,
- on immigration. - Yes, that is
essentially the whole
point of it, is that you can't.
You can't deny benefits to people
cos you've got to treat them
as your own citizens, right.
So how's he going to stop
European immigrants?
Easy for you to say, Dara,
you've been claiming off us
for ten years, mate.
All right, don't cheer that.
"Yeah, finally somebody has
the nerve to say it
"to Mr Giant Head Posh Leg."
It would be brilliant if Ukip made
you a campaign issue!
- "Eh!" - Stop this, man.
To "eh" is human.
With a big picture of me.
Big pictures of me
going like that
"This man, bam, bam, bam!"
Picture of me, "Mm." Just grabbing
all your cash. "Ha-ha-ha!"
"Toora loora loora!"
30 years ago it was all
Warsaw Pact, Warsaw Pact
but now it's empty.
If we leave Europe we'll have to pay
more for Kinder Eggs.
- Cos they're going
up as it is. - Yeah, I know.
If we leave Europe, we'll get
the egg and we'll open it up
and there will be no toy.
ALL: AW!
Oh, I did not expect that to have
quite the effect it had.
Wow, somebody just cancelled
Christmas
What we could do is deliver
France an ultimatum
saying that if we don't get our way,
we'll call Greggs a patisserie.
APPLAUSE
In other news, why is an American
civil rights campaigner
in trouble this week?
Basically, she's been pretending to
be black, hasn't she?
- She is.
- She was born of white parents.
There's childhood pictures of her
with fair skin
and fair hair. She's, essentially,
the opposite of Michael Jackson,
isn't she?
She's gone on a very different
journey, I'll give you that.
That is Rachel Dolezal
as a teenager, I presume
And then here she is today.
Where she now claims to be black.
And works for the NAACP
which is a
She doesn't actually look black in
the second shot, she looks orange.
She has now resigned her job but
maybe Atomic Kitten can take her on.
It could be Netflix.
Orange Is The New Black
might be the
APPLAUSE
It might be just a little lie
that's got out of hand.
We've all lied in the past
to impress people.
I once told a girl I was Swedish,
which was hard to keep up.
Now we're married.
"Herring, darling?"
I'm going to IKEA three times
a week just for new words.
She's kind of lied about her race
to get this job, potentially.
I don't know what I'd do.
If my agent came to me
and said, "They're going to recast
The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
"I've got you an audition
for the lead role."
I don't know whether I'd do it.
You want to be in Poldark, mate.
That's the one for you.
Take your shirt off.
I thought you'd never ask.
You sound like Rob Beckett's dad.
APPLAUSE
If this makes the edit,
he'll be loving this.
Down the pub going,
"It was me in the bath"
She has resigned her job,
this lady who pretended to be black,
and was dobbed in by her parents,
which is the bit that's really mean.
Her estranged parents, because,
apparently
I love the word "estranged,"
I've always loved "estranged."
When I was a kid and they'd say,
"And his estranged wife",
I just presumed it meant strange.
"Have you met my wife?"
"'ALLO! 'ALLO!"
"He don't want to talk about me!
ARGH!"
"I'm Mabel!"
"Crazy Mabel, is she able?
That's what they say about me!"
Remember when this show
was about the news?
It used to be! People complain
it's not topical enough.
Fuck you!
APPLAUSE
OK, at the end of that round the
points go to Josh, Hugh and Milton!
APPLAUSE
Now we come to Scenes We'd Like
To See so if everyone can
make their way over to the
performance area, I'll read out
this week's topics
and then we'll see
what our panellists
can come up with.
OK, here we go.
The first subject is
This is the most terrifying animal
you can see in the wild.
It has the body of Posh Spice
Of course,
if you're on an expedition,
you must always make sure you
boil all the water.
This can really slow you down
if you come to a lake.
It's been 17 days
since my last proper meal
and I am beach body ready, bitches!
Bear, are you related to
George Foreman Grills?
APPLAUSE
I've not had a bath for days on end,
and that's because Rob Beckett's dad
is in there.
APPLAUSE
There is barely any water here
so we've been collecting our urine,
but this morning some of it was gone,
and that is taking the piss.
APPLAUSE
I spent three days in the jungle
with nothing to eat
but raw caterpillars.
I remember the moment I walked back
into civilisation.
There were a few butterflies
in my stomach, I can tell you.
When I was thirsty,
I was forced to drink my own urine.
I'm now hungry
and dreading dinner.
APPLAUSE
When you're in the wild, you've got
to remember what you learn at Scouts.
Don't tell anyone our little secret.
Well, night is falling, it's raining
and I'm in the shelter
but it still feels dangerous here.
There are six teenagers
staring at me
and the bus doesn't
arrive for 20 minutes.
If you suddenly see a bear
extremely close to you,
the best thing to do,
stand stock still,
pull down your trousers
and just let it have sex with you.
On the men's island,
Derek's drinking coconut water
because Derek's a hipster twat.
After three months totally alone on
the island,
it's amazing that John
hasn't gone mad.
Isn't that right, John?
Yeah, it is, yeah.
So, I've managed to make a raft
to escape the island
by smashing up some boats.
OK. The next topic is
Ladies and gentlemen, good afternoon
and welcome to Waitrose,
you smug, rich, pricks.
This is not a drill,
I repeat, this is not a drill.
Would somebody please
go to the Power Tools aisle
and get me a drill?
If you see an unattended bag,
please don't report it.
Remember,
you're in World Of Luggage.
Good evening, ladies, Top Shop
will be closing in five minutes.
Please make your way to the till,
unless you're over 30,
in which case, piss off to M&S,
you ancient old hag.
This is an announcement
for the front desk
of the swimming baths.
Could Dr Someone's-done-a-shit-
in-the-pool please come to reception?
Would the couple having sex
in aisle two please stop?
Spillage in aisle two.
The 16:25 has unfortunately
been cancelled
and has been replaced
by a replacement bus service.
EasyJet would like to apologise
for all passengers
who are going to Greece.
I only work in the Post Office
for the crumpet. Watch this.
"Widow number two, please."
In tonight's performance
of Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang,
the part of the child catcher will be
played by a 1970s TV presenter.
Welcome to Sexist Airways,
I'm just going to pop on
the seatbelt sign for a moment
because we're swapping
to a lady pilot.
We are now coming in
to land in Russia
where the local time is 1956.
Welcome aboard the one-way Saga
Service Special to Switzerland.
AUDIENCE SIGHS
I was trying to have a laugh!
LAUGHTER
HE MIMICS ALARM
Attention to the submarine crew of
HMS Nando's,
be careful not to burn your eyes
on the peri-peri scope.
Lost children can be found
at the Lost Children Tent.
If they're not claimed by the end
of the day, they will be destroyed.
Welcome to Megabus.
Things haven't worked out quite as
well as you were hoping, have they?
Welcome to the Sexist Supermarket.
Check out number three.
APPLAUSE
Again that round, the points go
to Josh, Hugh and Milton.
APPLAUSE
And that's the end of the show.
This week's winners are
Andy Parsons, Ellie Taylor
and Rob Beckett.
CHEERING
Commiserations to Josh Widdicombe,
Hugh Dennis and Milton Jones.
CHEERING
Thank you for watching,
I'm Dara O Briain, good night.
APPLAUSE
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