Thursday, 7 March 2013

How To Write The Perfect Casting Call

So you’ve got yourself a script. Or maybe you haven’t. Maybe
you’ve just got a vague idea of wanting to put something on. You might just
like the idea of making a film or putting something on a stage. Whatever it is
you’re up to, it’s likely that unless you’re one of those who only ever puts
their friends in things, you’ll be wanting some actors to be part of it too.
But how do you got about getting these elusive creatures? Miss L tells you how…

'Currently casting for "Boobs Of The Dead."'

Firstly you need to make sure that you’re pitching the right
idea to actors. Whether you’ve got a script or just half a thought, there’s a
chance you may need to make a few modifications before you start procuring
yourself a few thesps. The most important thing to do is to look at how many
women are in this new project of yours. I can’t stress enough how important it
is to make sure that they don’t outnumber the men. You may think just because
you’ve seen Bridesmaids that you’re allowed to write more roles for women.
Well, you’re not. Bridesmaids was made using many Hollywood tricks (mainly
mirrors) so unless you’re working with a budget of more than £50 then you’re better
off just going down the traditional route and doing away with the women completely. The
simplest way is to just change the female roles into male ones. Believe me,
actresses just don’t want the work and they’ll understand why you did it. Heck,
they’ll probably respect you even more.

'Must feel comfortable in a bikini on a pogo stick & participating in a sexy food fight.'

However, you might find yourself with a couple of characters
who have to be female. Don’t panic. To make this acceptable and to ensure that
a handful of actresses still apply, you must need to make sure that the
characters are either involved in the sex industry or get their bits out in
each scene. Actresses are notorious for refusing to play characters that don’t
parade around in their underwear so unless you want an unrealised script on
your hands then you’re better off giving the interesting characteristics to the
men. Everyone knows men are more interesting anyway so your script will be instantly more believable.

'Due to the director & producer both being broke & a bunch of tight arses, you won’t be paid.'

Now, some people will probably tell you that you should make
sure you’ve got a decent budget before you start hiring. Well those people are
fools. One of the greatest myths about the world of acting is that performers
need to be paid just like everyone else. Actors live off a heady mix of thin
air and other people’s rubbish so you really don’t need to be worrying about
offering them any money.

‘This will be an unpaid & voluntary however there is a
place that does beautiful falafels around there.’

If you’re one of those with a conscience and not giving
anything truly bothers you then I suggest making a flimsy offer of a DVD copy
or some food during the shoot. However, you’re best not to offer these things
up straightaway. Recent studies have shown that an actor’s performance is
improved by 50% if they’re not sure when they’re next going to eat. Their
performance will then be further improved by a limp sandwich (slightly warmed
prawn or tuna are best) and a wrinkled satsuma.

'Sorry I can’t pay but I can pick you up and drop you home.'

If you really can’t cope with the idea of not chucking a few
pennies at your actors then it is permissible to offer to pay their expenses.
However, it’s advisable that you make this as awkward as possible for the actor
and scrutinise each receipt in such depth that they soon choose to suck up the
cost themselves. Either that or you set an limit on your expenses, this is very popular among actors and make you
seem like a firm but fair director that they will always respect. When setting
a limit on expenses, it’s best to keep them as low as possible. £5 should do
the trick. This will make your actors feel truly valued and will undoubtedly
produce the best performance from them.

‘MUST have a keen interest in carrots and a wide knowledge
regarding their history, origin and taste.’

Now, let’s get to writing the damn thing. You have two
choices when creating a casting call. Firstly, you can tell the reader
everything. Put in huge chunks of the script, tell them what the character’s
favourite colour is, give them a detailed history of everything you’ve ever
read. Actors love this, especially if it makes little to no sense. Remember, a
casting call may be the only thing they read all day so give them something
interesting. They’re not just there to find some work; they’re there to be
entertained. Actors have so much time on their hands that they love nothing
more than sitting down and spending twenty minutes reading your words.

'NOT UGLY.'

But don’t worry if
you’re adjectives ain’t your bag. You can also go for the minimalist approach
where you give the most scant details possible. Doing this shows the actor that
you’re so busy and so committed to your project that you simply don’t have time
to waste on some poxy casting call. Also, the true tragedy of the actor is that
they are all highly-skilled mind readers but they rarely get the chance to put
their skills to their full use. However, by including as little detail as
possible in your casting call, you allow actors to show off this rarely used
talent.

'THE CLIENT WANTS THE ACTOR TO BE AROUND $) YEARS OLD NOW.'

So, now you’ve written your casting call… hang on, what the
heck are you doing? Step away from the spellchecker. That rubbish is for people
who don’t have faith in their project, it’s for people who have time to burn.
If you want people to realise just what a big shot you are then you leave any
spelling mistakes you might have made. Looking like you don’t really care about
your project makes you look dangerous and interesting, a combination that’s
absolutely irresistible to actors.

'Please note that the frog does not need contemporary dance skills.'

And what of those little extras to make your casting call just
that bit extra special? Well, an insider tip is to include the type of camera
you’ll be using. If you don’t mention this, actors will presume that you’re
recording the whole thing on a bit of slate and they’ll probably end up
blacklisting you. Another great tip is to creep actors out. A shiver up the
spine and a crawl of the skin is what makes an actor feel alive so do your
worst and watch those applications come flooding in. The notorious Creepy
McCreeperson used this line, ‘I’m seeking an impersonator who can perform as my
mum when me & my mum cannot meet up’ which I’m sure you’ll all agree is
guaranteed to get actors interested.

So there you have it. How to write the perfect casting. Next
time: How To Feed Your Actors In The Most Disappointing Way Possible…