Friday, Jan 15 2010

Stephie is still waiting to hear about friends and colleagues in Haiti. {{{{Stephie}}}}

It was hard to come up with a lot of constructive things to do to turn my mental ship around yesterday. Why? Oh, because I'm getting the silent treatment from my husband. How mature is that?! I asked him if he was upset with me. He said, "No. I'm indifferent." Wow. I asked why. He said, "Well, you shut me out yesterday." I was honestly dumbfounded and couldn't think of a thing to say. Just before bed, when he was making, in my opinion, a very obvious effort to show me how much he didn't want to talk to me, I told him I thought that telling me he was indifferent to me was the most unkind thing he's ever said to me. I think it is, too. Steve has so many great qualities, but honest/constructive communication is very difficult for him. Yes, I was in a horrible mood the day before yesterday but I didn't say anything mean to him. I want to know why he thinks that was shutting him out but that would involve communication.

If he ever decides to talk to me again, I'm going to request that he get the kids out of the house for a few hours each week so I can be at home alone. The idea of having the house to myself for any length of time makes weep with joy. I think it will help me fight this feeling of being utterly buried in and OWNED by the daily routine of my life. There are just two times I can think of during my day where the day is mine - working out at lunch and driving to and from work. Otherwise, its completely spoken for by work or the house or the kids. I would kill for a few hours to lay on the couch and channel surf without worrying that I'm not spending quality time with the kids. I would love to feel like this is my house, not just S's house that I happen to live in, too. And so on and so forth.

I was also going to talk to S about finding ways for us to connect emotionally and intellectually. We're back in a space where I feel like he has zero interest in me or in spending time with me or in what I think. It would make me so happy for him to find a baby sitter he trusts so we can go out to a movie or a play or just dinner. I am going to tell him that, but I also can't tell you how much this would NOT be up his alley. I really think the idea of someone else in our house with our children is just too much for him. Which I could deal with better if he were just honest about how he feels about it.

I'm having such major "run away" fantasies right now.

I have also been thinking about whether or not the issues of weight maintenance are affecting me negatively and if so what to do about them. I'm not confortable with the high end of my natural fluctuations. It causes me anxiety. A lot of anxiety. I was thinking maybe I should try to remove a few more pounds so the high end of the maintenance fluctuations doesn't bother me so much. But I have a feeling the new lower high end would still bother me. I feel like I'm in a mental do-loop.

Work, of course, has not been contributing to peace of mind over the last month or so. Its not a crisis situation right now despite the general follies, and I really am thankful for that, but it isn't a place where I wake up and say, "Oh, goodie! I get to go to work at XXX!" Instead I think, "I wonder whose expectations I will have to deal with today while still trying to do work that I am proud of."

I need to own my part in that type of thinking. And I do own it. I know I have a lot of responsiblity for the resentments I feel in every day life that stem from not communicating my needs clearly or honestly. I do own that. But somedays I just want to whine. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to think about how to phrase things carefully so I don't upset anyone. I wish the world would just god-damn read my mind for once so I didn't have to actively seek or say what I want.

I'm tired. Emotionally, I mean. I think I'm probably a little depressed. I feel like life is passing by without me enjoying it, but I'm also just too tired right now to figure much out.

I think I'm going let things percoloate in mind for a little longer to see if anything comes to me.

Comments

7 comments so far.

7.

6 years ago

I got the silent treatment for a bit today. it's rare that it happens in the Marshall house but alas, sometimes we just don't sync. what if Larry and I came for a long weekend? you and I could have a date, but you and S could have a date too if your kids would tolerate an evening with a cute redhead. I think we could make that happen and we've talked bunches about L & S getting on with each other.

Whining is what the blog is for--and all of us! I'm sorry you are having a rough time with S right now. I hope he figures out a way to tell you more clearly what he is thinking/feeling--or, if that is impossible, that you find a way to translate for yourself. I'm so glad the silent treatment has never, ever occurred to my husband. And also that he is not a grudge-holder--because I would have NO idea how to deal with it except to get mad.

"I want to know why he thinks that was shutting him out..." Then ask. You won't know until you do and communication is always a two-way street. S. might be giving you "the silent treatment" but if you don't ask you're doing the same thing. Communication is more than what we say and how, it's also a bunch of non-verbal things that sometimes get garbled in transmission. What you're calling a 'horrible mood' that had nothing to do with him might, from his end of the reception, be perceived as his fault. For example, when L. gets snappy with me there's no way for me to discern whether it was something I did/didn't do or said/didn't say or whether it was her siblings or something else entirely that pissed her off. You could argue that that shouldn't happen but people in hell would love central air too.

I don't believe there's anything odd in the American male kool-aid this week, leastwise nothing more than the usual sweat socks, pin-ups and beer. :)

Oh Ms. Lynnie, the stories I could tell you about the silent treatment I have been getting for the past 5-days now. There should be a Resort House in every city and state so all we gals can go escape and hang out and laugh and forget for a few hours or days (free of charge). Of course it might end up that a few might not want to go home. :teeth2: You two hang in there, I'll pray for the two of you and ask that you do the same for the two of us. Sometimes it's hard when we have periods like these, but just try and remember, steady hands equal a full cup that will soon be running over again. :drunk: