Me.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

A New View (Goal 2)

I had somewhat of a brilliant fucking idea today; I kindly asked my girlfriend (yes, I do have one of those) if she would care to share her own honest opinion on the matter at hand. I told her to write without any boundaries, no censorship whatsoever. If you know her, you know she will tell you that you're a dumb fuck with very little chance of ever becoming someone worth anything (if that is the case, obviously). So I knew no one else would be better than her to give a little to get a little (if you know what I mean, haha). Hear is it, the brilliance of one woman's mind;

I’ve been asked to grace the blog of this potential pick-up artist (see comments pertaining to ‘Prelude’). A woman’s perspective was needed. Who better to provide this heavenly insight than the author him self’s unfortunate girlfriend?

‘Beating around the bush’ seems to be the topic at hand here. I’m glad to see the man dealing with something about which he has a vast sea of knowledge. I couldn’t think of a better way to describe our relationship for the first while of its existence. ‘Beating around the bush’. My bush, it would seem. Christ alive.

As afore mentioned, not by me, some men take time, while others don’t, to infiltrate this God forsaken place of genitalia and general unattractiveness. Alexander took time. A lot of it. His tactic seemed to be ‘Get into the ultimate friend zone with the bitch and hope to God and his male heart that she finally notices I possess a penis and am not gay.’ Various other tasks were completed such as chauffeuring her and her rather-obnoxious-at-times friends who laugh far too much and listen to music by Miley Cyrus on the odd occasion about.

Six months later, it paid off. But. Do not be fooled. These were very extraordinary circumstances. Use this chise device at your own peril. Or your little soldier’s. In reality, this cements you and your little soldier in the ultimate friend zone, makes whatever God there is and his male heart laugh themselves shit faced at you and causes her to think of you as gay and say things like, ‘I’m so glad we can just be friends and there are no, like, hidden meanings, you know? Turn it up, Leonardo DiCaprio is about to stand at the front of the boat with Rose.’ Leonardo then goes on to suck his own penis.

So. Conclusion? This method contains far too much beating around the bush. Leave it the hell alone.

One more and I’ll then leave you all to your own lovely devices.

The Give and Take, if you will. This requires a dollop of time and a splash of luck. And a hell of a lot of balls. N.B. This chise device works only if, A) You’re ridiculously good looking or, B) The girl you’re after is, how to put it nicely, not.

Spot the fox and sidle up. Work the magic that I hope for your bush-hunting sake you possess and get her nice and damp. From tears of excitement, of course. Har har. Just as she’s about to explode, swagger off with nothing but a smile and a brush of her arm. An hour later, do the same thing and repeat again and again until, eventually, she’s the one jumping down your throat. The balls come into play in the fact that one never can know when that blonde belter is going to get bored and tell you where to shove it.

Unfortunately for you male things, everybody is unique et al. No one method will work with every lady thing. So. I guess. You’re all fucked.

Cheerio.

Yeah I know, what a bitch. Hah.

So here it is.

Goal 2; No matter how hard we try, we're fucked. (The sooner we deal with that fact, the smoother life's steep hill will be from here on out)