Thanks for stopping by Refresh with Dawn Herring. I hope you enjoy browsing through the postings and get to know me a bit better.
I'm Dawn Herring, host of #JournalChat Live and Links Edition for all things journaling on Twitter and Facebook. I'm also a writer and artist focused on refreshment, journaling, and positive change. Email me at refreshwithdawnherring@gmail.com with any questions or comments you may have. Thanks and enjoy your stay!

Thursday, March 31, 2011

A friend remarked the other day that she noticed how easily we can get upset over the littlest things. These conflicts are often small discrepancies, tiny annoyances that grab our attention.
When we look back hours, days, or even weeks later, we wonder why we even got upset in the first place.

But we have a hard time letting go of them. Whether they be with other people or even with ourselves.

Why is that?
What is it that we are hanging onto? What are we looking for when we get into these little scrapes?

Validation.

We want to be heard. We want to know that someone else believes that our point of view is worthy, that what we think is just as important as what they think.

We want to know someone cares about our value as people.

Often, instead we hear:
“Why are you making such an issue out of this?”
“You’re just being too sensitive.”
“You’re blowing this out of proportion.”
“You’re acting like a child; why are you being so immature?”

There’s a clue right there of what we’re looking for. It’s the same feeling we had when we were children: we want to know that we matter. Instead of being shamed for what we think.

Relying on others to validate us can be a disappointing prospect. We don’t often get what we want. And even if we do, it can be fleeting.

Why is that? Because it’s not coming from within.

Yes, there are people in our lives who may verbally validate us when we least expect it, and these experiences can even change the course of our lives. But these occasions are few and far between, as much as they become gems to our memory and our emotions.

So, what can we do to increase the frequency of validation in our lives, especially when we come across these conflicts in our life experience?

We can validate ourselves. Yes, we can!

How do we go about doing that? There are several ways.

But before we can begin to validate ourselves, we have to dissect the conflict that has brought our need for validation to the surface.
We have to determine what caused it to get our attention so emphatically.

We have to honestly access the emotions we felt in the conflict to determine the root cause of the issue.
Several examples can include:
» fear,
» anxiety over the unknown,
» vulnerability which essentially feels like we’re out of control about something that could happen or how someone sees us,
» anger over feeling embarrassed because we thought we said something stupid, or
» jealousy over something we feel someone has over us.

Once we determine the root issue of the conflict, we can now turn toward validation.

There are three approaches we can take: verbal, mental, and written.

We can verbally speak validation, which essentially means saying that our opinion of that situation was valid, worth speaking, and worth listening to regardless of how another person may have responded. We can speak validation over each emotion we felt, and why we felt it. We can speak the good we know we have just being a person who is created with a divine spark!

We can speak this validation as often as a conflict rises in our minds since those thoughts can make us feel down about ourselves or angry at that other person we were in conflict with. It also helps for us to realize that the issue isn’t necessarily with the other person since the conflict comes from within. If we recognize this truth, we regain our power back instead of giving it to the other person. That’s part of the validation process: regaining our power!

Another way to validate ourselves is mentally. We can think the same validating thoughts that we verbalize. Awareness of our thoughts is necessary for the mental approach to be effective. So, pay attention to what you’re thinking!

The third way to validate ourselves is my favorite way which is in written form. This is where journal writing comes in handy. When we keep a daily journal or, at least, a conflict journal, we can use it to discern our emotions and then use it to validate them and ourselves. You may even want to try writing with your non-dominant hand when focusing on your emotions during the writing process. Once you’ve written your validation for the day, it should stay in your memory and focus, especially if you do it consistently. And the more you write it, say it, and think it, the more that validation becomes a part of you, a new you!

And it will eventually become apparent to others that you are self-validating since you will find yourself less combative and more confident, which is a powerful place to be in all of life’s dimensions.

Then, if you do receive a validation from another accurately discerning person, well, then that’s just icing on your life cake!

So next time you need some validation, speak, think, and write as you look within.
Then, you might even look up.
The Creator will validate you too. After all, you are made in the Creator’s image.
That’s a wonderfully beautiful, divine spark you have there.
Don’t be afraid to show it.

Accountability: to give a reckoning or explanation for one’s actions, responsible.

When most people think of accountability, they often negatively associate it with answering to others, such as a spouse, a friend, a mentor, or, in most cases, a boss. As a writer, you are your own boss, which is one of the reasons that you need to be accountable to yourself. And it can be a positive experience rather than a negative one.

The first step in being accountable to yourself as a writer is setting goals for your writing and keeping track of projects you want to finish. Incurring a deadline for yourself can help

motivate you in this area. This step can also include daily writing goals. Some authors plan how many words or pages per day they will write.

I’ve set goals for myself as a writer by making them reachable and attainable. This year I have set a goal to write at least one scene for my novel per week and at least one other piece,

whether it be memoir or essay, per week. That can mean just making notes, writing a first draft, or revising a draft.

As long as your goals keep you moving forward and you’re making progress, then you know you’re headed in the right direction.

Once you have your goals set, the next step in accountability to yourself is writing down what you accomplish each day. You can use a daily calendar just for writing or keep track of your

daily accomplishments on your computer. I designed a custom monthly writing calendar. It helps me track what I write daily, whether or not I’ve met my goal for the week, and it has

space for ideas for future writing pieces. I also have a spot to keep track of books I’m reading for that month. I use abbreviations to keep the daily writing easier and to save space. As I review each completed month, I can go back to see what I’ve accomplished and keep track of when I wrote each piece.

Whether you use something pre-made or customize something for yourself, use whatever works for you and helps you stay accountable to yourself.

A third, and perhaps most important, aspect in accountability in your writing is taking care of yourself as a writer. Than can mean giving yourself space and not being hard on yourself if

you don’t reach your goals each day or each week.

Flexibility and refreshment are paramount to your health as a writer. It also frees up your creativity and can actually help you produce more quality writing in the long run.

I enjoy writing in my journal, reading fiction or memoir, and watching a good movie with my family. Taking a walk, listening to music, talking with your family members, and just taking time to sit and enjoy life are all ways you can be good to

yourself—and ultimately accountable—as a writer.

Learn to celebrate your accomplishments and your uniqueness as a writer. That’s one of the best ways to be accountable—to yourself!

A 21 Day Refresh Intensive E-Course!

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About Me

Dawn is a watercolor and collage artist, writer, Host of #JournalChat Live and Creative and Social Media Consultant. She enjoys sharing insights, humor, and encouragement as she shares from her life experiences. She enjoys keeping a journal and reading spiritual texts to help keep the light on. Hope you enjoy perusing the blog posts and in the process, get to know her a bit better. Enjoy your stay!

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My eBook: The Birthday Wall: Create a Collage to Celebrate Your Child

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The Birthday Wall is my detailed, step-by-step instructional book that shows how to create a multi-dimensional, colorful visual collage to help celebrate your child's Birthday. As creator of this family tradition, I share how to research, plan, gather, create and display all the elements of your child's birthday wall which can help affirm, validate, and show appreciation for your child.

Follow this link which takes you to the Parent to Parent page of HSLDA's Home School Court Report. In their Sept/Oct 2009 edition and on this page, My reason for Homeschooling has been published under Dawn H. You're welcome to check it out!