While I have definitely described sleek-looking furniture as "sexy," I've never actually wanted to have sex with it. That is where me and Wisconsin man Gerard Streator, 47, differ. Streator, who publicly had his way with a discarded sofa on the streets of New York City last year, pleaded guilty on Monday to public lewdness. This is insane to me. Not necearrily the furniture-fornication part, but the fact that he did it with a discarded street couch. Everyone in New York knows that if a piece of furniture is on the street it's because it is a bug-invested disease haven. #amateur

Operation Dick-in-a-Couch went down on September 24th, 2012, when off-duty police officer Ryan Edwards was on his nightly jog. It was 11pm and he was getting his cardio on, when according to newsone.com, Edwards noticed a man "thrusting his pelvic area against the cushions and trying to sexually gratify himself by rubbing his penis between the two cushions." Doesn't sound that gratifying to me. I think we can all agree that sex ON a couch is dope. Sex WITH a couch, not as dope. It's definitely a one-sided scenario. I mean, Streator was for sure doing all the work.

When Edwards realized what he was seeing he yelled out to Streator, "What are you doing?" and then Streator ran away into the night with an erect penis. New York City: Eight million stories, all of them disturbing.

After pleading guilty on Monday, Streator was sentenced to five months in jail and is barred from owning any pornography of any kind. I wonder if that includes furniture?

Although, it sounds strange to have sex with an inanimate object, Streator is not alone in his unusual proclivities. There are other people with this condition which is technically called Object Sexuality. Wikipedia describes Object Sexuality as, "a pronounced emotional and often romantic desire towards developing significant relationships with particular inanimate objects." A woman in San Francisco even started a support group in 2008 for people who fall in love with things instead of people. Sounds like a tough life. Next time I'm crying over a break-up or I'm pissed if a dude doesn't call back, I'm gonna remind myself that at least he is a real human being and not, like, a blow drier. To quote Jim Morrison, "I am the lizard king." Also, "People are strange."