Soccer Player Splits Scrotum During Match, World’s Men Squirm In Horror

Yamma hamma. Chris Whelpdale (Whelp! indeed), a winger for Gillingham F.C., suffered a split scrotum as a result of an intensely painful, egregious bodily harm-causing tackle late in a match against Crawley on Monday. Allow yourself to recover before reading on.

Andy Hessenthaler, the Gills manager, told the club’s website: “He’s probably going to have five stitches in his testicles, believe it or not. It’s ripped his testicles open. It’s absolutely disgusting, it was a shocking challenge for me and worthy of a red card.

“I’m not making that up, we’ve seen it in there. It’s a horrific injury and I’m sure his wife won’t be too happy about that tonight either!”

Um, zing? Andy Hessenthaler, ladies and gentlemen: soccer coach and amateur comedian who makes terribly inappropriate jokes about some other man’s split scrotum. What a guy.

In closing, be thankful, men. Be thankful you never have suffered the same fate of this poor bloke. Yeesh.