Jokes Page 1

Newton's method: Let the lion catch you. For every action
there is an equal and opposite reaction. Implies, you
caught the lion.

Einstein's method: Run in the direction opposite to that
of the lion. Due to higher relative velocity,the lion
will also run fast and will get tired. Now, you can trap
him easily.

Schrodinger's method: At any given moment, there is a
positive probability of the lion to be in the cage.
That's it. Set the trap, sit down and wait.

Inverse transformation method: We place a spherical cage
in the forest and enter it. Perform an inverse
transformation with respect to the lion. Lion is in, we
are out.

Thermodynamic method: Construct a semi-permeable membrane
which does not allow anything to pass through it except
Lions. Then sweep the entire forest with it.

Integration/differential method: First integrate the
forest over the entire area. The lion is somewhere in the
result. Then differentiate the result PARTIALLY w.r.t.
the lion to trace out the lion.

This crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill
instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try getting the $8 bill
changed so he went to the teller at the local bank and asked for
change. The teller looked at the $8 bill, hesitated and then gave
the crook two $4 bills as change.

50 Actual Newspaper Headlines
(collected by actual journalists)

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Islands Short of Goal Again

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't settled quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired

Toilet Limerick

Here I sit,
all broken-hearted.
Tried to shit,
but only farted.
All I want,
is but to linger...
look out ass,
here comes my finger.

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up
to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more
time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some
fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he
decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at
the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls
through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he
tries one more time to stand up.

This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly
falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits
the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over
him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an
innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there
again."

The following are actual excerpts from classified
sections of city newspapers.