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This year has been such a roller coaster of events and changes that I feel like 2014 will always hold a special foothold in my heart. This year had three stages: leaving, looking, and finding which I have been able to gather pieces of wisdom from. It began with leaving the most familiar system in my life (and I assume in most of my batchmates’ lives)– schooling. I graduated college with a BA majoring in Communication. I then looked for two things: adventure which presented itself in a trip to Indonesia with my best friend (the first trip I took without my family) and the road to a new chapter in my life. This new chapter came in the hues of purple and blue; alternatively, a media agency called Mindshare. Lastly, I lived out my six months under the workforce learning, failing, and understanding the workings around branding and media placements.

Here are a few lessons (and a few 2015 goals) that I have learned from my year of 2014.

1. For a better life, one must exercise a healthier life. I start with this because I admittedly have the worst health habits any person could have– I binge eat and skip meals, I don’t give myself enough time to rest, and so many others that I feel I could improve on. By ‘exercising a healthier life’, I don’t necessarily limit it to practicing a healthier diet and exercising but rather including a self-consciousness of the other parts of my body that I need to take better care of. For example, I have been abusing my eyes and with a 9 to 5 job that requires me to look at a screen for hours on end I don’t help it by last minute Instagram stalking before bed (in the dark no less). In fact, six months before my job I had a 30-20 vision which was horrifying as it was, but now I have 50-50 vision (CAN YOU IMAGINE THE TERROR). I want a healthier Sonya for 2015 🙂

Other than physical health, I also want to be healthy mentally which brings us to number 2.

2. It’s okay to not be okay (and for things to not be okay). The biggest struggle I have always faced was taking control of my demons. Coming from a very toxic and traumatizing past, I found voices and overwhelming emotions that terrorize me even on normal days (especially on normal days). I think I can proudly say that this year I have found days or weeks when my demons were quiet and I was really happy. Being in the light felt so good and I never thought I would be able to feel that way in my whole life. Experiencing that made me fight even harder on bad days, search for hope and love on crippling days, and work for it on empty days.

But even when that happened, there were still days that didn’t seem to cut it. Although I tried my best, my demons would outshout me and take over– days when I couldn’t seem to fight or even stay afloat.

And on those days, forgive. When you can’t be your best self or ‘fight the good fight’, it’s okay. Those days are not evidence that you’re weak or worthless, those days are a reminder of how we are not perfect, how we are human and how we can’t always control the environment around us. Forgive yourself and give time to not be okay.

3. Learn to love yourself. There is a Youtube video of an interview Anne Hathaway had with Ellen deGeneres which really resonated with me. In the video, she expressed how she had not learned to love herself previously and was then fragile to the noise of other’s opinions on her. She then took a turn for the better and started her journey of loving herself more.

For me, removing negativity is the first step. Pure and simple but the hardest to do and for a good reason. We are constantly surrounded by negativity in all forms and most of the time we are asked, if not required, to interact with them. Although a few of those are unavoidable, you can choose to detach yourself from those that can be avoided. Over the years, I kept feeding myself negative energy and surrounded myself with negative people and thoughts without even thinking of how it would affect me! It took my office mate to say the most obvious thing which was that you have the control. Although you may not believe that (I certainly didn’t for a time), trust that you do and if you don’t learn to control what you can then you will always be playing into the hands of other people.

4. Be more kind. More than being kind to myself, I want to be even kinder to those around me not only through actions but through thoughts. Your thoughts about someone else heavily influence how you perceive and act towards them sometimes without even knowing the person or their side. To add, it brings you down as well and as I said we have to start removing negativity.

5. It is inevitable for people to leave as you grow older. This year I have come in to terms with a dear friend ‘leaving’ and friends becoming strangers. As much as I tried to reach out, nothing fruitful came from it and from then on we grew even more apart. As painful as the thought sounds, it does happen. Friends stop having the same interests, they fall out, they stop talking, they drop out of your life without a warning and as painful as it may be that is okay.

Remember this: any relationship is a two-way street. No matter how much you reach out to the other person, they still have to care enough to put effort into whatever you may have. I’m not saying it comes in the form of a grand gesture but it does have to be a give and take.

Cutting people out of your life, although heart piercing, can serve as a cleanse. There are chapters of our lives that we grow out of and sometimes the people living in the chapters follow suit but it doesn’t have to be sad. Truth is, the person and the memories that come along with them will always be there.

Let me jump right in and say that I don’t understand. Granted I never understand any of Your plans before the beauty that is the result, I’d like You to fill me in just a little bit on where exactly You want me to go. I’m confused. You led me to a path I thought would be the best option– an option I felt would bring out the best in my abilities and develop the skills I lack. I don’t mean to call You out on it as it was mostly my active decision to pursue this path, but I feel as though I use Your name in vain when I tell them that I think You brought me here. I feel that mostly because I’m unsure that you even did. I feel as though I only brought myself into this situation completely leaving you out of this life changing decision. And yet I felt at that brief moment that You WERE there and You WERE telling me that this was the path. See my confusion?

I need to hear Your voice. I need to know that I’m not here for the sake of having a job. I want to feel assurance that this was not just a choice I made out of my own volition but a decision You and I made together because then I would feel that I wasn’t doing this alone. At least I would feel that I need not understand the end goal of Your plans as long as You and I made the effort to get me here. This is just me rambling.

Twelve hours in the office and I am suddenly awake. It is 9:56 PM of the next day and I only realize the time now.

They say the weekend is always too short and I could not agree more than I do now. How does time get away from you really? One day it’s Friday and the next it’s Tuesday and soon after it’s the weekend. Explain to me how I can never pinpoint the days I was happy and days I was depressed. Everyday just seems like a giant bowl of meh and hm. Everyone seems like a giant bowl of meh and hm.

Where am I now? Still here, but it is 10:05. What has happened since 9:56 that I can’t seem to remember how I felt and what I was doing? Why can I never remember the people who matter and the things they have done to make themselves matter? Why can I never forgive people for the times I do remember and love them more for the times I do not?

That has never changed. Thought the time ticks on– it is 10:11 PM now– my heart never changes. I always feel too dark for the sun, unworthy and too anxious for the world to even notice. Even as it is 10:14 PM, my heart stays the same and I only see the sad from the good and the bad from the happy, thus, the bowl of meh and hm.

I will never change, but maybe tomorrow I will wake up at 9 AM and realize it early enough for the day to matter.

That is right, folks! I, along with other friends who are also job hunting, am a fresh grad unemployed bum. Oh the words, they stinggg! I have been sending out my resume, going to job interviews, bumming, sulking, and waiting since I graduated last March (note to self: it is already May). I am honestly starting to worry a little bit about where my life is headed or, to be more specific, if my life is even headed anywhere given that I can’t even land myself a job. Not to worries, though, I’m not that depressed over it. Honestly, the time I have now is being spent on catching up on family matters, myself, and visions of what I really want to do in life (and books and movies and shows). I’m not complaining; I’m slowly having peace of mind and heart which I feel is the universe telling me that the job will come when I am ready. Lets face it, maybe I’m not.

Recently, though, I have been wanting to experience what my other block mates have been experiencing. Other than the money and stress, I also want to learn what I’ve been dying to learn ever since I fell in love with Advertising and Communication in college. What exactly do you say to difficult clients? Who do you go to when you have a problem with a Creative? How is the job different from my experience in a school organization? Will everything I learn actually be of use? I want to apply everything I know to a real job.

But alas! It will have to wait! For now, I’ll be sending out my resumes to everyone. (Also, hello to possible employers! Please hire me. I want to work.) hahaha

2.

While the universe and I have been figuring out when I will absolutely be ready, I have been on freelancer.ph, which is a site for freelance artists who want to earn. So far I have made a flyer for a beauty salon and have yet to digitalize (digitize?) a shirt design, another flyer, and a paper bag design. I’m loving it, because it challenges me and gives me the overdue Illustrator practice I need. So far, it has been great. I’ve also been reading up on design books so I get to know the elements broken down.

3. KAYLA FREAKING ITSINES

Kayla Itsines is a trainer and recently released two e-books on attaining the bikini bod of your dreams. I found her on Instagram and took the entire time scrolling through her feed. The transformations of different girls are insane! Not to mention, their stories are really motivating. Ever since I stumbled upon her feed, I have been wanting to get more fit and healthy. I started my summer already cutting down on food that wasn’t healthy for me but I couldn’t bring myself to actually exercise. Luckily, my boyfriend got to wake me up this morning and yelled me out of bed to actually do what I’ve been wanting to do since March. Hopefully, this becomes a lifestyle and I actually achieve a healthier more fit me.