Day 1 - James admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Fab. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Mona is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Sham later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.

2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Rajputro creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Fahmida hits him with a Spork.

3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of Sydney Opera House out of Pizza. After much persuasion by Rajputro, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.

4 - Training for the Sydney Opera House task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Sham, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the Pizza. Fahmida is furious.

5 - Today is the day when the Sydney Opera House task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Sham farts and blows Sydney Opera House over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Fab cries.

6 - Rajputro gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.

7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Fab admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a Spork. Mona goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Sham sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Rajputro.

8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. James goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Fahmida and Fab are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for James.

9 - Fahmida and Fab are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Mona sings them a song - Mary had a Little Lamb - to make them feel better.

10 - The public vote Fab out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Fab leaves.

11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Fab's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Mona has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Fahmida is visibly depressed and is comforted by Rajputro.

12 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.

13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Sham refuses to run because he's a lazy bastard

14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Sham finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Fahmida calls Sham a lazy dick

15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. James tells everyone individually that he thinks Fahmida is a bitch. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Fahmida and Rajputro are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for James.

16 - The nominations are announced. Fahmida can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Rajputro is equally stunned and turns to Fahmida for comfort. Sham is distraught and confesses to Mona that he thinks he is in love with Rajputro. Mona says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know

17 - The public vote Rajputro out of the house. Sham is devastated. Rajputro leaves.

18 - This days post has been deleted by James for reasons you can imagine

19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Bangladesh in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.

20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Bangladesh sounds like but Sham says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose James as the one who must complete the task.

21 - James successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Bangladesh but also God Save The Queen, Mary had a Little Lamb and the theme tune to Seinfeld. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.

22 - Nominations are due and James tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Sham and Mona are nominated.

23 - Sham and Mona take their nominations well and sit down with James and Fahmida to discuss why they voted for them. James keeps quiet but Fahmida accuses Sham of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred dick before bursting into tears.

24 - The public vote Mona out of the house and nobody really gives a ****. Mona leaves.

25 - James becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of James's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.

26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of Tiger dung using only a Spork. James is unsure but Sham is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.

27 - Completely out of the blue, Sham breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the Tiger incident from his childhood. Fahmida tries to persuade him to stay but James sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Sham decides to leave.

28 - With only two housemates remaining, the Tiger dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Fahmida from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.

29 - Nominations are due for the final time. James asks Fahmida to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly James nominates Fahmida to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Fahmida.

30 - When the nomination is announced, Fahmida graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that James is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, the event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. James takes his £70,000 and runs away to Bangladesh. Nobody, including Fahmida, ever sees him again.