Friday, May 27, 2016

I wrote "Storm" last week while struggling with suicidal ideation. Suicidal ideation is when a person has suicidal thoughts and ideas, and perhaps even a detailed plan, but are not planning on acting on those feelings.

"Storm"

Gray skies defeat me slowlysmothering out any life left within meRavens in the trees stare down at meyet my mind tells me they’re vultures waiting to feed on my carcassSometimes I cannot trust my mind

I have now been on my full dose of Depakote (divalproex sodium) for a month. Today is May the 26th, while I started it on 26th of April. I was expecting to have reached my weird sort of "normal" by now, but I haven't. While in the past week I've had some times that are only moderately depressed, I still spend time in the deep depressions, though they've even deeper than before. I'm trying hard to concentrate on progress, but since there really isn't that much progress it doesn't leave much to concentrate on. I feel like so far the only thing the Depakote has done for me is widen the expanse of my moods. My deep depressions are deeper and scarier, and way more fucked up on a bloody visceral level. I feel as if I really stand out in social situations lately, at least for the most part. I have a hard time relating to humans of all ages, and now it's even getting harder to relate to the cats. I'm broken, and I'm scared. I think everyone around me can sense how poorly I am at being social, at my incompetence in human interaction. My patience for everything is really short.

I wrote down all of the side effects I'm having from the Depakote. They are as follows:

confusion

joint pain

lower back or side pain

muscle aches and pains

nausea

nervousness

breast pain

shakiness in the legs, arms, hands, or feet

sleepiness or unusual drowsiness

unusual tiredness or weakness

clumsiness or unsteadiness

dizziness, faintness, or lightheadedness when getting up from a lying or sitting position suddenly

dry mouth

fast, irregular, pounding, or racing heartbeat or pulse

indigestion

lack of coordination

leg cramps

muscle pain or stiffness

muscle tension or tightness

pains in the stomach, side, or abdomen, possibly radiating to the back

Acid or sour stomach

loss of memory

problems with memory

back pain

excess air or gas in the stomach or intestines

oily skin

acne

limbs easily "fall asleep" and are "on pins and needles"

My Niki kitty has been depressed lately, too

The side effects involving pain are increased pain, above my normal levels, and of a particular type. I quit having unconscious eye movements, so that's good. But I'm passing out a lot, and dizzy and am presyncope more often. I'm not sure how much of the dizziness, presyncope, and fainting are from my POTS, how much are from my Depakote, and if the POTS and Depakote are interacting poorly.

I passed out in Wal-Mart the other day, so that was quite embarrassing. I fell flat on my face and came to with a huge crowd of people around me. Hopefully there's no video of me passing out at Wal-Mart currently making it's rounds on the internet.

I'm not sure what I'll do.

I'm having a very hard time writing this, because it's difficult to think. I've been working on it for four hours, and I already had the list made.

The Disillusioned Agnostic

Mama Sick

Me (Amy B)

DH (Darling Husband)

Former college instructor, incredibly intelligent, sexy as hell, great singer, loves to kiss kitties, beadworker, hippie, a voice that makes my knees weak, and a much better speller than I am. You are the love of my life, my best friend, my partner, and part of my soul.

My Best Friend, My Togy

(January 17th, 1994 - Spring 2012) You will be in my heart, as long as I breathe, and beyond. You have always shown me unconditional love, and never thought less of me when we shared secrets. You were my favorite and best friend, my protector, my turtle chaser, my sweet boy with a bark that was music to my ears. I miss you so bad.

Sterling

(January 1998 - July 1, 2014) I love you so much, and though you left this earthly form on July 1st, 2014, you will always, always be my son, my friend, my kitty, and my baby. I miss you every single day, every single moment.

Niki

You're the sweetest girl in the world, and my heart is always happier with you in my arms. I couldn't love you more, sweetheart, if you were my flesh and blood daughter. Niki, Mommy loves you so, so much, my kitty bear.

Katya

You're a little bad ass yet cuddly kitty, with a huge heart, and fangs that like to chomp fingers when you play. Mommy loves you so much honey, you and Niki are the cuddliest, cutest, sweetest, loving kitties in the world. You're our baby kitty bunny.