Oh, no! It's Zumbo!

Adriano Zumbo, the sanguine sadist of sweets has returned to torture the professionals for daring to think they can dance cook. If the previews for this episode are anything to go by, we, the viewers, will again be told that our contestants cannot cook and Zumbo is a superior lord who must be bowed down in front of at every subsequent appearance. All hail Lord Zumbo!

His very entrance in the MasterChef: The Professionals kitchen is the stuff of legend. “When hell needs a Willy Wonka,” teases Cravatalicious Matt Preston, “this is who they call.” This is a mystifying second occupation for Lord Zumbo because I always thought that hell was supposed to be, well, hell. Hell would surely not have sweet delicacies available for consumption? (Bombe Alaska, excepted, of course.) There is a school of thought, however, that Zumbo himself should be shoved into hell for bringing the macaron (not macaroon, you uncultured eaters) into the mainstream and becoming slightly, well, dull.

But we digress. Zumbo has not brought any Zumborons™ today, but a white cake. This is a team challenge, which of course everyone is thrilled with. It’s great to place your future in a highly competitive television program in the hands of someone you barely know. It took sandy-haired sous chef Cameron all of three seconds to complain about having Tracey on his team. “I think she gets a bit flustered,” says he of the sous, who has clearly never had a bad day in his life.

Tracey is then chosen as team captain for Cameron’s team. Who would have thought that was coming?! “That could be our downfall; let’s hope not,” says perfect Cameron, the optimistic team player.

The arrival of the white Zumbo cake is pre-empted by the arrival of ... Ah, forget it. Let’s let Rhys the bearded explain.

“About 20 smoking-hot birds walked through the door in wedding dresses,” he says in a moment of misogynistic insanity, thinking that the challenge was to involve Colonel Sanders. Forget politicians, Channel Ten reality contestants are really where the problem of sexism in Australia lies. But Rhys isn’t done.

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“I’m starting to like the look of this challenge,” the bearded one says, again with the amnesia. He obviously thinks that the show has become Temptation Island Kitchen, or Dinner Date. (Remember that one? Manu Fieldel in a cringe-worthy dating show for foodies? Yeah, didn’t think so.)

Kiah is the only one for whom the penny does not drop that Zumbo is incoming ... Michael has to whisper to him what’s happening. Clearly Kiah was under a rock for the past four years while the rest of Australia bought croquembouche moulds in deluded attempts to make Zumbo recipes. Of course, those moulds are now gathering dust with fondue sets and juicers in many cupboards, as kitchen implements used only once.

The white, triple-tiered cake has 11 layers inside, plus the tempered chocolate decorations. Michael, showing a gift in stating the bleeding obvious, says: “This is going to be a hard challenge today.’’

Luke the bandanna-wearer will be just phoning it in. “I’d rather be climbing Everest,” he says. He leads his team with that sort of enthusiasm, particularly for food hygiene standards. He’s assigned Nathan to temper the chocolate, which is a good move if you assume that the judges like hair in their chocolate. Given Nathan’s foppish and sweaty fringe is hanging right over the chocolate, I think it’s a safe assumption that there’ll be a hair in there.

Over at Tracey’s team (which Cameron thinks is rightfully his team), the captain is interrogated by Marco. No, she admits, no one on her team has made a wedding cake. So Marco helpfully goes out of his way to remind Tracey just how much is involved in this cake. A fresh layer of sweat breaks out on Tracey’s already moist brow. And, oh no, what’s this? There’s drama in Tracey’s team – Rhys is looking for the chocolate but it looks like naughty Sarah and Tracey have already used the team’s supply. What will chauvinist Rhys do now?

Lord Zumbo is taking control, and weighing Tracey’s crackly mixture to see if she has, in fact, used too much chocolate. Tracey has stuffed up – by several hundred grams. Cameron, very quick to revel in her failure, shouts out: “What’s the verdict?” Rhys sums up that the failure goes down in the team like “a proverbial poo sandwich”. Just wait, Rhys, that’s next week’s challenge.

Akuc giggles when Marco reminds her that desserts like this wedding cake aren’t made in South Sudan – and, as she points out, they don’t even have desserts in South Sudan. Lord Zumbo looks stumped as to what to say next; he only speaks in Sugar-ese and cavities.

And there we are: three cakes. None look decorated properly and as the teams wait for the judging, the green team’s cake slips and starts to crumble.

The brown team is in strife; part of a spatula has broken off into Luke’s mixture – or so he says. Matt and Marco’s questioning of what happened (did it melt off into the caramel) reduces Luke to babbling mess of excuses that could only have been fuelled by his eating of 20 vats of caramel. Mmm, silicone caramel.

Tracey is having more problems, much to Cameron’s delight: her eggs, milk and cream mix has curdled. “It looks like vomit,” says Sarah. First poo and now vomit – we’re only -20 minutes in to this episode. One wonders if the contestants all had gastro recently. Tracey looks like she would rather have gastro than deal with Cameron, who now asks: “Is she working with us or against us? I’m not sure at this point.”

But Cameron’s self-belief and apparent arrogance has come to bite: While Nathan of the brown team says it’s too hot in the kitchen to temper chocolate, Cameron says the conditions are perfect. Sarah notices out of the corner of her eye that Cameron’s chocolate is not being tempered. Into the fridge!

During a judging conference, Marco expects that there will be three cakes at the end – but whether they’re all standing at the end is another question. Hey, that reminds me of a good joke – there were three MasterChef judges in a bar... Ahem.

Anyway, Lord Zumbo has come to check up on the red team’s chocolate – and finds that it isn’t tempered. He blames the fact that it went in the fridge, and washes his hands of the sticky block. Sarah has had enough. “At this point in time, I hate myself ... I’m thinking ‘why the hell did I stand next to this lot when I walked into this – I wouldn’t in this then.” Why indeed?

Coop [is that a real name?] says of his brown team that they may be running out of time to put all the layers together. Green team also fears the cakes won’t set. But that’s nothing compared to the red team’s issues.Rhett is cutting the edges, pulls away and finds a sheet of plastic. Tracey left the plastic on top of the chocolate. Oh, Tracey, you ding-a-ling. Rhett is not impressed and joins Sarah in wanting out of the team.

Matt surmises the situation to be “a disaster”. Tracey is in denial. “It could have been anybody that did it.”The green team’s cake is leaking caramel. Lord Zumbo says it looks like it could ooze through the icing and make the cake slide. Michael fears the cake will do a One.Tel and collapse in front of its makers.

With five minutes to go, the red team is just starting to decorate. Cameron’s “beautiful” tempered white chocolate has turned to garbage, Rhett says, and the team may as well have torn up baking paper and put it on the cake. Good thinking, Rhett. Most people like their cakes to have crunchy bits that aren’t edible on them. The team is finally learning something though – Cameron doesn’t know how to temper chocolate.

And there we are: three cakes. None look decorated properly and as the teams wait for the judging, the green team’s cake slips and starts to crumble. Their hearts drop with the white chocolate decorations.

The judging begins. Green team is first with their lopsided edged cake. It’s cut into and, surprise, surprise, it looks like a trifle. Lord Zumbo says it tastes quite bland. Matt has already decided they are in the bottom two.

The brown team is next. If it was a pub patron, it would have had a good time and is looking a little tipsy. On the inside though, some of the layers are undetectable – and the coffee is overpowering.

Now for the red team, who look disheartened. I am surprised Tracey is still alive – Cameron, Sarah and Rhett look like they wanted her gone, and soon. They judges find the cake to be understated and having distinct tasting layers.

Marco declares the winners to be the brown team, proving that hairy chocolate goes down OK. Zumbo leaves and the contestants breathe a sigh of relief. The elimination beckons, though, for the red and green teams – and don’t Sarah and Cameron look thrilled to learn that the elimination challenge teams will be the same as the Zumbo challenge, and with the same captains!