AWARDS! AWARDS! AWARDS!

You’re About to Look at Some Paintings of Old Boats

The honeymoon’s over, everyone. Now it’s time to get serious and face the facts: you’re about to look at some paintings of old boats.

For some of you, this comes as no surprise. You got the sheet, and, in the Afternoon Activities section, you checked the box next to ‘look at paintings of old boats.’ I applaud your courage.

Others of you might be confused. “Wait,” you think, “I checked the box next to ‘circus arts workshop’ not the one next to ‘look at paintings of old boats.’” Well, there are only two explanations for this: 1) The circus arts workshop has filled up, or 2) you have poor box-checking skills. Whatever the reason, one thing is for sure: you’re about to look at some paintings of old boats.

And these old boats mean business. If these old boats were musicians, they would shred out on flying-v guitars and then jump canyons on motorcycles to promote their upcoming album of epic, fully orchestrated power ballads. If these old boats were police negotiators, they would bring swift resolutions using grappling hooks, throwing stars and the void left after their fathers were gunned down by ruthless criminals.

Since they are old boats, they usually just sit calmly on water in marinas. But it is the calm before a storm, or, more-likely, it is the calm left after a storm has been swallowed whole by an innocent-looking old boat that is now digesting the storm (which was probably a tornado that caught fire) and preparing to let out a hearty belch, as if to say, “You’re welcome” to the world.

So have an ambulance ready, because these aren’t your grandpa’s paintings of old boats—unless your grandpa received a grant to travel to a war in the future in order to get an apprenticeship with badass soldier-artists, so that he could learn how to paint the boats of yesterday with the techniques of tomorrow. And the only paint available to him was a mixture of blood, sweat, and various poisonous berries.

Most of the paintings of old boats you’re about to look at were actually created using standard acrylic paints, with one or two exceptions that are rendered in watercolor. But nobody was hanging out with the painters the whole time they were working, so one or two poisonous berries could have been used, which makes you lucky that I don’t have some speech impediment that causes me to forget to say words like “at” and pronounce “look” like “lick.” Then you might think I said, “It’s time to lick some paintings of old boats.” So I guess I just saved your lives.

One final thing before we go look at these paintings of old boats—we’re not going to run tests to see if poisonous berries were used. That would ruin the allure of the possibility of poisonous berries being used. And if it were definitively proven that poisonous berries weren’t used, more people might lick the paintings of old boats, which wouldn’t really be good for the paintings, or for our image as a place that collects paintings of old boats.