When Piers met Jessica Alba

From the archive: Hollywood's fantasy figure is set to get gritty as she stars alongside Robert De Niro in slasher thriller Machete. But first, she confesses all to GQ's PM about Catholic guilt, her Oscar goals and why she's sexier than ever. Amen to that... "I am so tired!" beseeched Jessica Alba as she stumbled into the photographic studio in Hollywood. "I need a burrito."

It had been the premiere of her new film

Machete (co-starring Robert De Niro and Lindsay Lohan) the night before, and she'd been up late. "You want a burrito?" she challenged me. "Why not?" I replied.

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So she frogmarched me back downstairs, out into the street, and we went in search of a Mexican café. Ten minutes later, we found one - a rather murky-looking place lurking on a corner. "Perfect!" cried Jessica, 29.

She ordered the burritos and coffee as the staff began to nudge each other and murmur the words: "Is that... is that...Piers?"

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No, I made that up. None of them recognised me, but they all recognised her. Because Jessica is a movie star, and in Hollywood that puts you on a whole different planet to TV people. She was wearing very baggy tracksuit-style wool trousers, a black T-shirt and large shades. And looked effortlessly sexy.

We sat down, and I eyed the greasy-spoon-style restaurant. "You know how to treat a guy, don't you, Jessica?"

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Our burritos arrived inside five minutes, she took a large bite, and was impressed. "Actually, this is pretty bomb." "Bomb? What's that?" "A very cheesy, embarrassing expression that you shouldn't put in print."

I took a mouthful myself. It was delicious. "It does taste good, though, you're right - very bomb."

I had no real idea of what to expect from Ms Alba. She's been top of all those magazine Hot 100 Hollywood Chick lists for years, ensuring a global sex-symbol status that, judging from all her interviews, she finds oddly discomforting.

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Her acting career has had some highs, notably being plucked by James Cameron to star in the TV sci-fi series Dark Angel (she was nominated for a Golden Globe) and then landing starring roles in films like Fantastic Four alongside my friend Ioan Gruffudd, who sent me an amusing text-message puzzle for her to solve. There have been a few turkeys, too - Good Luck Chuck won her a Razzie award for Worst Actress.

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Jessica married American film producer Cash Warren two years ago and they soon had a baby daughter together.

She made me laugh three times on our walk to the café. I took this as a good sign...

I have a message for you which may amuse you, from a mutual friend of ours.OK. [Looks nervous]

It reads: "Ask her to stop hounding me. I'm married now and have a family. She had her chance during the shoot, but she blew it." Any early thoughts?Er... no.

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I'll read on. "Ask her how hard it was to stop trembling every time I was nearby. I bet all her friends were jealous that she got to play my wife - and how phenomenal was my arse in that blue Spandex?"Oh no! [Laughs] Ioan. Ioan Gruffudd!

Bingo.

He used to love flexing his tushy muscles in that Spandex, and was always catching his reflection in any mirror he could find.

So, your premiere clearly took its toll on you mentally, physically, emotionally...Yes. I'm so tired. I've been promoting two movies and doing all kinds of martial arts for another movie, as well as trying to be a good mum, and I've also just started my own business - a non-toxic lifestyle company. There are so many chemicals coming into your body from food these days, and they've linked it to boys having problems with their sexual organs.

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Blimey. Do you mind if I just send my editor at GQ an e-mail?No, sure. Why?

I want to tell him that within four minutes of sitting down with Jessica Alba, she was talking to me about penises and PVC.Well you shouldn't have asked!

I didn't know what was coming back. Anyway, do you like being an actress?Yes, I wouldn't trade it for anything. It's exhausting, but I love it. You're British, so I guess you don't want hot sauce on your burrito?

I'm Irish, and I love a bit of the hot stuff, Jessica. Why do you think I agreed to interview you?[Laughs]

You're always late, aren't you?It's like a disease.How do you know that?

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I quite like it - relax.I think it's because I was always this kind of tough tomboy when I was young. Need to snap out of it. I feel guilty about that too. I'm a typical Catholic: I feel guilty for everything and spend all my time apologising.

Gavin Bond

Like being in permanent confessional?I was born feeling guilty just for being alive.

How would you like to die?Just get really, really old, make wine in the south of France, surrounded by lots of grandchildren, and then go to sleep one day and never wake up.

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You said in an interview that you really fancied older British guys, especially ones who didn't mind crying? And men with big brains.Yes.

Here I am. Your perfect man. Well, almost. I don't cry.Not many British men do.No, I've discovered that as I've got older. I like men who can express their emotions, but I really don't like the whiney, clinging dudes - that is so annoying. The ones who call you all the time, asking where you are, being a bitch. It's like, "Who's the woman in this relationship?"

Nothing "whiney dude" about me, Jessica, I can assure you.Good. A lot of actors are like that, and so are a lot of singers.

But what happened to the dream? You banged on about loving older British men, raising all our hopes, then married a young hot LA guy, dashing all our hopes. Really quite selfish of you.I know.

Apologise.I'm sorry, Piers.

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I almost forgive you.Actually, it's not entirely my fault. I spent two-and-a-half months in England doing a movie, but nobody ever asked me out. Not once. I was 19, and only one guy came up to me in the street, and he asked me if I wanted a makeover. Can you believe that? I was mortified.

Terrible. Your former co-star Paul Walker said that you were "the kind of girl you'd want to have angry sex with for the rest of your life". Thoughts?[Looks disgusted] So inappropriate. Really. And so annoying. He should just, like, shut up. I wonder how he'd feel if I said that kind of sexually objectivising stuff about him?

He'd love it.You're probably right.

Do you not enjoy being a sex symbol?I don't get it. Every actress out there is more beautiful than me.

Yet you always beat them all in those Top 100 Sexiest Hollywood Stars listsin magazines. Why?It's just the way I get marketed, I guess. A lot of the movies I've made have been made for male-orientated audiences, so all the marketing is aimed at them.

Do you not like being on the cover of men's magazines?I've never been comfortable showing my body off like that.

I used to have anxiety attacks before I did the photo shoots. I'd never worn high heels or even dresses before I did movies. The Golden Globes was the first time I did that kind of look. I wasn't even allowed to show my stomach in my house when I was growing up - my parents were very strict. But this is the business I'm in, and it's made me a lot of money, so I can't complain.

How do you feel about your body now?Way more comfortable, since I had a baby. I'm far less self-conscious now I have her to worry about.

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Yet you've been slipping down those lists fast since you had the baby. So as you've thought you've been getting better-looking, they seem to think you're getting uglier!I just feel better about myself. I'm not so hard on myself.

Can you look in the mirror now and see a beautiful woman?Yes. There's something so amazing about having a child. My breasts are saggy, I've got cellulite, my hips are bigger, but I love it.

Do you like being famous?

Not really.

Imagine how I feel - he didn't even recognise me. That's a lot worse, trust me.I don't enjoy all the extra attention. But I don't complain about it. It's all a business; the paparazzi have a job to do.

You sold your baby photos to OK for £1m.Why?I didn't want some scumbag to make money off of my kid. So I made it for her instead, and controlled it.

Aren't you entering into a contractwith the devil by doing that, though?I thought hard about it. But these scumbags sit outside our house every day, so why should I give them the photos for free and not make money for my daughter instead?

Do you like Barack Obama?Yes.

Why's he getting such a hard time?He just got dealt the worst possible hand.

What does being American mean to you?This is a place where any dream can happen. Just look at me. My parents had a baby when they were 18 and 19, my dad got himself a good education and then went into the military, before setting up his own business. Where else could that happen?

When you first started in Hollywood at the age of 12, did you ever imagine you'd one day be working with Robert De Niro?Oh, no.

How did it feel when you first walked out to act with him?It felt like I was dreaming. I thought people just saw me as a piece of meat to be stuck on a poster and marketed. And I made bad choices, and got treated badly by some directors, and that all reinforced a stereotype. But then you work with De Niro and you suddenly feel totally different. My heart was beating fast, I got tongue-tied, I was sweating and so nervous. But he was so sweet, and gentle, calm, quiet, and kept to himself.

But you must have been standing there thinking, "Wow, that's De Niro." Yes. I said to him, "Robert, please help me, I don't want to fuck this up, please don't let me suck."

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Was it the best moment of your career?That and working with Bruce Willis, same kind of freak-out moment.

Who are the best actors in the world?

Meryl Streep, Dustin Hoffman, De Niro.

How have you avoided the pitfalls of your other co-star, Lindsay Lohan?Who knows why people do what they do? I'm so boring, I just have a pretty quiet time hanging out with my friends.

Do you ever get drunk?Yeah.

When was the last time you saw stars, and I don't mean the De Niro kind?My last birthday on 28 April. I drank a lot that night. My head was spinning.

What do you like drinking?I like red wine, Martinis, single-malt Scotch, and when I'm going hard and silly dancing with my girlfriends, tequila. That stuff makes me crazy; I think I'm allergic to it. I lose all my inhibitions.

I can always tell the secret devil women, because they have discreet tattoos like you do inside your wrist.I didn't know that.

How many do you have?Three.

Where are they?One is not one that people see. Really low on my back.

Another one is on the back of my neck, but I'm having that removed.

And there's this one on my wrist.

Ever taken drugs?No, I think I'll die if I do. That's what my mum always told me, and I believe her. So I've never touched them.

Any plastic surgery?No. I hate that idea of trying to freeze time. I believe in growing old as nature intended and, if the movie roles dry up as a result, then so be it. Though I was talking to my girlfriend about this and I was beginning to think I need a nose job to be like everyone else. It's nuts how many nose jobs are going on here at the moment.

But your nose is my favourite part of you, because I like imperfection, not perfection. Why be like everyone else?That's what my husband says. My lips aren't even, either.

I can cope. Do you worry about growing old?No, I feel more confident the older I get. All anyone ever wanted to talk about is how I look, when I'd rather they talk about my acting.

In this movie, you do take your clothes off.No, there's one shower scene where I actually wear underwear and a bra - but they took those off in post production.

Is it true you have a no-nudity clause in your contract?

Yes, all of them. [Another guy approaches; Jessica politely declines a photo.] I sometimes feel like a character in Disneyland, who's just expected to walk around with a smile posing for photos and signing autographs all day. And people turn up at my house, it's a bit freaky.

What do you hope GQ readers think of your photographs?I hope they think they're cool and that I'm a strong woman.

You fight a battle with yourself over magazine covers.You pretend to hate it, but I think part of you loves it. Maybe it's Catholic guilt again: you know it's naughty, but you enjoy the reaction and can always feel guilty and apologise afterwards.No, to me it's business. Totally business. But I do like dressing up now, and being able to create an image or a feeling that evokes a reaction. I like being seen as a strong, powerful woman not a pouty, victimy, daddy-save-me girl.

Are you quite a sexual woman?No.

More sexual now than you used to be?Maybe.

Is sex important to you?Yes, it's vital to any relationship.

Are you good in bed?[Laughs]

You're about to either shatter or cement a million dreams.I've never had any complaints. [Massive smile]

I sat next to Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem on a flight once, and they were all over each other. He's like a wild Spanish caveman, and she loves it.They're great.

I met Eva Mendes the other day too, I'd add her to the mix.Definitely, I've always been very envious of her confidence in herself. And she's hilarious too.

Would you rather be remembered as a good mother and wife or an Oscar-winning actress?Both.

Have you prepared your Oscar speech?No.

I don't believe you. I bet you've stood in front of the mirror and practised it.When I was younger, maybe. I don't want to jinx myself, though, so I don't do it any more.

Who would you thank?My parents. My husband. My daughter. And then, career-wise, the most impactful people for me have been James Cameron and Robert Rodriguez.

They took a gamble with you.Jim did, yes.

Are you angling for Avatar 2?He knows where to find me. I'm always available to him. If we can work together and have a successful movie and make a lot of money, then great. But most importantly, he's my friend.

Did you ever think you'd one day be worth that much?Yes, I did. When I was young, I thought I'd achieve everything I've achieved. I had a very clear idea of what was going to happen.

Finally, should this interview lead to better movie roles because I've made you sound so cool, and you then win an Oscar, I'd expect to be mentioned in the speech.Deal!

Following the interview, I led Jessica out of the Mexican café, down four blocks, and into what I thought was the original studio building. It wasn't. Ten minutes later, we were standing in the bowels of a completely different building, lost and confused. We looked at each other, and suddenly, she burst out laughing. "We're fucked, aren't we? Thanks, Piers."

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