Jeep Invents Time Machine, Uses It To Dominate Ancient Auto Markets

The stunning revelation this week that off-road SUV builder Jeep had not only cracked the mystery of time travel, but that it was using that breakthrough to send trucks and salespeople into the past to meet strict monthly quotas in the present has drawn ire from the scientific and automotive community alike.

“The idea that Jeep would not only hoard the single greatest scientific discovery of all time, but also use it to advance naked capitalism while polluting the time-stream is an affront to common decency,” said Dr. E. On, CERN’s foremost authority on particle physics. “Also,” he continued, “this feels much more like a BMW move than a Jeep one.”

When asked for comment, Jeep CEO Michael Manley was unrepentant.

“Sure, a lot of people told us we were fools for using our temporal slipstream displacement device to sell cars – but who’s laughing now?” he said. “Our numbers are through the roof, especially in eras like the Dark Ages and pre-colonial America where Jeeps are out-selling horses nearly 10-1.”

The facts don’t lie. Nearly 100 percent of pre-industrial technologies have taken to worshipping Jeep’s sales teams like the futuristic gods that they are, and it has proven impossible to separate features such as heated seats and headlights from incredibly powerful magic using the non-existent scientific vocabulary of the time.

Still, Manley admits that there have been challenges. “Finding premium fuel while the glaciers are still receding has proven to be nearly impossible in our Pangaea market,” he told us. “Then there are the hoops we’ve had to ask our finance department to jump through when working out how to calculate monthly payments using goats, bits of string, and colorful sea glass.”

He also pointed out that kraken seem to be attracted to certain models, especially the Wrangler and the Grand Cherokee. “We’d love to be able to monetize that kind of cross-species appeal,” he lamented, “but until we’re able to break through that linguistic, and presumably cultural barrier, we’ll just have to recommend that our new owners don’t drive too close to any sizable body of water.”