How important are family members’ opinions about who you are dating? Or in who you decide to marry?

This topic has been on my mind lately and I don’t know why. I’m not even close to dating anyone and everyone else in my family is already hitched. So it’s not really a pressing issue in my world at the moment. But I’ve been thinking about it nonetheless.

My family has never actually said no to anyone I’ve dated. But let’s be honest: That’s mostly because they’ve never met anyone I’ve dated, due in part to lack of boyfriends and in part to lack of longevity of relationships. Translation: I don’t date ’em long enough to bring ’em home. (Don’t worry, my therapist is well aware of this phenomenon.) I imagine it’d be a difficult position to occupy if I loved a man and my family did not approve of him. But I also imagine there would be some pretty solid reasons for their disapproval. My family isn’t flaky enough to dislike someone just because his personality is different or he’s in an Aerosmith cover band or he works a non-traditional job or he has 12 dogs named Rex.

I, on the other hand, have disapproved of my siblings’ relationship choices in the past. (Huge, whopping, enormous disclaimer: The operative phrase here is “in the past.” They are all now happily married to wonderful, beautiful people who make our family richer. Please don’t withhold Christmas gifts from me!) In those few instances — that happened a long, long time ago (please read aforementioned disclaimer) — I have, in fact, voiced my disapproval. It’s so hard not to! I love my family members so much and want what’s best for them. Sometimes I feel they’re blinded by love and don’t see the reality of the situation — that their girlfriend or boyfriend is completely wrong for them.

But looking back, what did I know? Who did I think I was? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I still think I was right. (Sister Ruth almost always is!) But what qualified me to make that call?

I think you don’t have to experience the exact same situations to be able to provide insight. An outside perspective is sometimes just what the doctor ordered. I’ve never been sitting on a railroad track eating lunch as a train begins to chug along toward me. But if I saw someone doing that, I’d know immediately to do whatever it took to get that fool off the tracks! I think as family members, we’re obligated to look out for one another. We’re obligated to voice our concerns, especially over matters with such life-altering consequences. Marriage is forever. Even after divorce, it’s forever. That person is always with you. Those choices affect you for the rest of your life. It’s not something to take lightly.

But here comes the tough question: When do we step back and let them make their own decisions? When do we come to terms with the fact that we’ve made our concerns known, then shut up and let them do what they choose to do? This part hurts.

I’ve been known to have my own opinions. When I was younger, I tended to vocalize them often… no, always. I was so Jersey! I’ve noticed that over the years — by a combination of God’s grace and the wisdom that comes with experience — I’ve become more reserved with my thoughts. I’ve learned that I don’t always have to verbally vomit all my thoughts onto everyone around me, particularly when other people’s emotions are on the line. It’s a process. I’m not perfect. The pot still boils over at times, but for the most part I like to keep it at a low simmer.

But that’s not to say that I should keep completely silent. That can’t be right. As you can tell from this wishy-washy (and completely unfunny) blog post, I’m still trying to figure this all out. But I’ve come to the following conclusions:

If you feel genuine concern over your family member’s dating choices, you should say something. Maybe not right away, maybe not in the heat of an argument, definitely not with the significant other in the room — but you should say something.

If you’re arguing the petty stuff, get a life and mind your own business. Stick to the major areas: faith, family, work ethic. The other stuff — personality differences, quirky behaviors, appearance, hobbies and interests, income level — that’ll all work itself out.

At some point, you have to let go. Assuming that family member is an adult, they are responsible for their own life choices. After you’ve expressed yourself (once, twice, thrice), you have to move on.

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20 thoughts on “Thumbs Up, Thumbs Down”

I definitely think that you should say something if you don’t approve or think that person is not right for your family member or frind. What they do next is up to you, you’re not the one making the decision. you’re just stating your feelings, you’re not telling them what to do. 2 of my best friends told me they disapprove of my ex -husband before I married him and stopped seing me when I married him. It was a hearbreak to me but they couldn’t stand him and I wouldn’t live without him, I made my own choices. It just happened that I realized I was wrong much later than they had realized he wouldn’t be the right one. I still wouldn’t have listened to them then because I had to learn from my choices. Lots of things have happened since then, my life has taken a completely different track and now I know what’s good for me. I learned.

I know this time they won’t disapprove!😉 the one I’ve chosen is for whom my heart was made and it shows in his eyes! ha!

I forgot to mention that right after the divorce, those 2 friends came straight back to me! It wasn’t me they didn’t wish to be around. I know their reaction was a little “harsh” to understand for outsiders but why would you stick around someone when you don’t like them? you could, for your friend… but…

No “best situation” or “best reaction” : my parents didn’t tell me anything but thought as much!😉 so… being tactful is the only option. and let people decide and make their own decision.

Wow. Thanks so much for sharing, Jul’. That is a tough story to tell (and a tough one to listen to, as well). You seem to have come out of it a much stronger person. Kudos to you on that. Learning from our experiences is what life is all about.

You introduce a really interesting perspective, from someone who was on the receiving end of the warnings, yet chose to ignore them. My question is: At the time, did you believe that your friends were right (even in part), yet you chose to believe you could change your man? Or did you truly believe they were wrong? I’m just interested to know. I’m sure every story is different, so not all fall into one category or the other. I just wonder if deep down everyone has those doubts, but they choose to look away.

Good to know your friends and you were reunited. It’s always tough to know how much to say to a friend, because you fear losing them.

Now that I can look over what happened with a different eye, I realize that I didn’t want to listen to them but might have known deep down… might have wanted to believe that I could change him. I deluded myself and realized much later… when we got to divorce because we were not on the same path and didn’t want the same things. Lesson learned, that’s for sure!😉

You just have to find the right words, be tactful for your friend to listen. But, still, the decision is theirs.

I went through this with a friend recently where I didn’t think they were good for each other. Both are fine people, but they bring out the worst in each other. I tried talking to them about it, but they didn’t want to hear it. It got to the point where I had to step back from our friendship because I didn’t like the people they were becoming. It’s a little sad.

That’s a big fear of mine as a friend — losing that friend because of the choices they make in life. It has happened / is happening in a couple instances. Even though it’s sad, I have to believe you did the right thing, Steph. I hope you find peace in that. Keeping silent isn’t helping anyone out, and will only lead to an explosion of emotions later on, right?

My experience is very similar to yours, Steph – only it was with my sister. We were really close before and I’ve tried to be there for her while also trying to let her know that I thought this wasn’t a good idea. She didn’t listen and I got really tired of the drama, so our relationship has suffered. Even though they finally broke it off after a year, the drama still goes on. How do you help someone get over something like this?

Ruth, I just discovered your blog via Freshly Pressed (congrats!) and so much of what I’ve read so far just hits home. I appreciate the questions you address and your Christian perspective, so thank you!

I think it depends a little on your family as well. There are a lot of dynamics. But I do think you should not date in a vacuum. I have people in my life that have permission to speak into every part of my life including who and how I date. It’s still my decision obviously, but its way to easy to be blind to stuff when you are “in love”. Agree though that it needs to be the big stuff not the small stuff. Good thoughts.

Love that thought: “You should not date in a vacuum.” Absolutely agree. This is so typical with many couples I know (and even some newlywed couples, as well). They just go off into their own worlds and completely lose grasp on friendships and community around them. It’s so dangerous! No accountability!

It is easy to be blinded when you’re in love. Good thoughts, Justin. Thanks for sharing!

Very thought provoking! I have had my own judgements with friends significant others. I think if someone close to me really wants to know my opinion, they will ask me. And then I will freely share my thoughts. If someone isn’t open, it wont matter what your opinion is, even if you are right! Everyone has their own journey to take.
For me, when that day comes, I will absolutely ask those close to me what they think. Friends and family know you best and maybe they will see a red flag I would have overlooked. Great blog topic!

“If someone isn’t open, it won’t matter what your opinion is, even if you are right!” Great thoughts, Vivien. And so true. I’ve witnessed this firsthand. We have to pray about it and sense when the right time to talk to someone is. If they’re completely closed to any opposing viewpoint, bringing it up may only make matters worse — and push them away.

If you can’t tell someone you care about that you have concerns about their ‘significant other,’ what does it say about your relationship? After I got divorced several friends told me they had misgivings about my ex-husband… and I always wish I’d heard those BEFORE we married. Would I have done something different, don’t know?

At the same time… I’ve learned that seeking the approval of others about my own romantic relationships, should tell me that there’s something not quite right either.

Powerful statement. Where were those comments when you were dating / engaged to your now ex-husband? I wonder if your friends tried to bring it up, but never found the opportunity (or the courage). It’s a tough spot to be in. But in your case, I can understand why you wish someone had said something.

Thanks for sharing. I’m learning this is a tough topic! But I appreciate your honesty. I think we’re all really learning a lot from each other.

I agree that you should have have a chance to share your piece of mind but allow ample space to respect their relationship as well. Ultimately, do it out of love, don’t do it out of judgement. Two very different perspective.🙂

I think your conclusions are right on! Although, I would have placed prayer as number one (not sure the order was intended to convey any type of priority among them). Praying to be humble and listening for God’s direction about whether and how you should say something is paramount! And you can always pray that the other person is receptive to God’s guidance too (not to your opinion, but to God!) and trust that God is guiding them, completely independent of what you do or don’t say.

I had an epiphany a couple of years ago while considering this question as a dear friend of mine was moving along in an engagement that I vehemently disapproved of. She had initiated vague discussions about bridesmaids’ dresses and I was feeling very conflicted about whether I would even feel comfortable attending the wedding — and thereby condoning the relationship — let alone being a bridesmaid. What I was thinking about was that statement in most vows that seems to be just a formality that no one thinks much of, “speak now or forever hold your peace.” And what came to me was that that is not just a ceremonious statement to seal the deal. It is a command that those in attendance, who are there to witness and demonstrate their approval and support of the couple, that they express their concern before the wedding, and thenceforth agree to drop it and support the couple in their commitment to each other. Your chance to intervene or express opinions is before the wedding, after that your allegiance is to the vow between the couple; and the couple should be able to count on you from that point forward to support their commitment and to refrain from meddling. Obviously, the polite thing to do would be to speak with the bride or groom, or both, privately before the wedding, rather than interrupting it and embarrassing them, but the point stands. And it’s also worth noting that “supporting their vow” does give you right and reason to meddle if one or both are acting in ways that violate that promise (i.e. infidelity, abuse, etc…). In the end, I did express my disagreement on several occasions, but her relationship eventually ended. We both learned a lot and are now much closer friends than we were then, though that and other points of friction definitely tested the friendship.

I’m sort of glad the whole “speak now of forever hold your peace” line isn’t used in weddings anymore. At least I don’t think I’ve heard it said before! I just think it’s so… scary! I can imagine me on my wedding day at the altar, staring into my groom’s eyes, and waiting in that long pause, wondering if some crazy lady is gonna yell out “I object!” Ha ha. My worst nightmare!

Your comment got me thinking, though. The “or forever hold your peace” part — that’s something we all need to remember when we encounter relationships we might not agree with. If we vocalize our concerns, we have to be prepared to shut up and “hold our peace.” And support the couple in their decision. At some point, you’re right — prayer may be the only way we can intervene. (And it’s powerful, at that!)

I like your “faith, family, work ethic” list. If only my family was like yours! We have too many family politics. Ah, if only. My mother’s main disapproval of my husband: He’s not going to earn a six-figure salary. Right. Like I even want a six-figure salary.

I’m not saying my family is perfect! Far from it. That’s my “ideal” list if we lived in a “perfect” world.🙂 Politics always come into play, and its a shame.

Salary? REALLY? First of all, as long as he’s a hard worker (and so are you), you guys can make it work. Not everyone needs a six-figure-salary to be happy. Money doesn’t bring happiness!!! Yes, it’s important to have shared financial goals and plans to achieve them. No one wants to live in a cardboard box and eat canned tuna for life. But, let’s be realistic — I doubt that’s where you’re headed. Stay strong!