Oh, I should really pretend I meant that (because it's awesome); but I guess I'll only go so far as to claim that some days, my subconscious is more clever than I am. I was actually worried that my immediate (and irrepressible) reaction might seem less-than-respectful, but in fact I hope it conveyed significant respect indeed.

New Member

Oh hey! Another newbie like me. I have been very quiet last couple of months. I guess no news is good news and since I don't have any bad ones, mostly good ones, all is well.

I must say, I entered dancing classes with my guard risen all the way up. I still felt infatuated for 2 weeks for one partner and another 2 weeks for another one. What can I say? Being so close to pretty, young ladies just fires up my stone cold heart. But being mindful that these things happen, even with my guard up, eased me on accepting that I am there to learn how to dance to go out more. I think that is the best advice I can give. Just accept your feelings and accept where they come from. For me, it was defenitely the lack of having that female touch and attention. Hell, out of all the 5 months of dancing, I had to go to the bathroom twice to "calm myself down there". They were mostly in the beginning.

I certainly feel grateful to have stuck around. I still feel a bit awkward in dinners because I have no damn clue what to talk about. But the "scarecrow" feeling I had in the beginning as been long gone.

One male newbie to another, how are you dealing with learning how to lead? I had the darnest time learning the feel for it. Still very green, but getting better by the lessons.

Member

Oh hey! Another newbie like me. I have been very quiet last couple of months. I guess no news is good news and since I don't have any bad ones, mostly good ones, all is well.

I must say, I entered dancing classes with my guard risen all the way up. I still felt infatuated for 2 weeks for one partner and another 2 weeks for another one. What can I say? Being so close to pretty, young ladies just fires up my stone cold heart. But being mindful that these things happen, even with my guard up, eased me on accepting that I am there to learn how to dance to go out more. I think that is the best advice I can give. Just accept your feelings and accept where they come from. For me, it was defenitely the lack of having that female touch and attention. Hell, out of all the 5 months of dancing, I had to go to the bathroom twice to "calm myself down there". They were mostly in the beginning.

I certainly feel grateful to have stuck around. I still feel a bit awkward in dinners because I have no damn clue what to talk about. But the "scarecrow" feeling I had in the beginning as been long gone.

One male newbie to another, how are you dealing with learning how to lead? I had the darnest time learning the feel for it. Still very green, but getting better by the lessons.

Yah I always try to think about it from the female instructors' point of view and how it must be like having to be in physical contact with so many men, most of which probably she has no attraction to whatsoever. It'd be weird for one of them to be interested in you in that way. I can't help feel the way that I feel but it doesn't mean she has to ever know. I think over time, these feelings will hopefully dissipate. You're right in that I have to accept that these feelings. Doesn't mean I have to ever act on them.

Leading is a challenge. I'm not a big tall guy. My problem is the frame. I think I need to do more yoga or core exercises. The problem isn't upper body strength as I have a pretty toned physique but it's more around core strength and flexibility.

Well-Known Member

Something went wrong, SmoothAsian. Starting with dance usually means to remove all the said deficiencies. Learning steps and musicality only is second priority. Learning to dance means social learning in the first place. I speak from experience. From the date I started dancing, I got so confident in dealing with women. My mantra is: dancing is learning for life.
Perhaps you chose the wrong dance community. If the instructor is the only attractive girl around, something must be wrong. Don't select for a certain teacher, don't select for a certain style, dance or music (all that will come later). Only select for a vivid dance community. How can you recognize a vivid dance community?

- social dance events are offered,
- these socials are well attended,
- socials are not only limited to dancing, there should be a scene,
- there is a crowd of young enthusiasts.

As soon as you have found such a community, meet these people one hour before the lesson starts. Be sure, they do meet somewhere! Fill your address book with in-future dance partners. Always address them by name. Be sure, you do need them. Regularly ask your (current) dance partner to go to dance parties and popular socials. The more often you are seen on the pista the more easy it well get for you.

Well-Known Member

Something went wrong, SmoothAsian. Starting with dance usually means to remove all the said deficiencies. Learning steps and musicality only is second priority. Learning to dance means social learning in the first place. I speak from experience. From the date I started dancing, I got so confident in dealing with women. My mantra is: dancing is learning for life.

I initially thought this was tongue-in-cheek but having read the rest of the post, now I'm not sure.

People who use dance as a means to an end (looking for romance, confidence, easing social awkwardness, etc) don't last unless they actually fall in love with dance itself, including the bolded and all the technical/academic learning that goes with it.

Well-Known Member

The gist of the rest of your post seems to be that practice with the social interactions associated with dancing yields improved social skills generally. I think I can get on board with that.

However, despite many claims to the contrary (including implications by legions of women both lamenting and hoping to correct gender imbalances in their local dance communities), it does NOT follow (indeed, how could it?!?), "Learn to dance, get a girlfriend."

What really happens (I think this is roughly aligned with IndyLady's point) is, "Learn to dance, get better at dancing."

Member

There are all these people out there who tell you to "just be confident." The thing is, at least for me, blind confidence doesn't work. It needs to be backed up by concrete things. I decided to strike my insecurities at its core. One of my deep-seated insecurities is dancing.

Confidence and socializing abilities are no more related to dance skills than to any other skills. For me personally it is even contrary - the longer I dance, the less confident I feel about my dancing. "A vivid dance community" is just another option to go out and meet people, and does not necessarily imply quality dance instruction.

I highly recommend a book "The Brave Athlete: Calm the F*ck Down and Rise to the Occasion" (I discovered it thanks to this forum) - there is a chapter about confidence (I haven't started the implementation though).

Everything else equal, being attracted would be my last reason for changing instructors. The more pleasure I get for my hard earned money, the better. Hey, and having an attractive dance teacher, as well as being able to afford private lessons, are a few little things to boost your confidence in the "vivid dance community".
But seriously, I find a few ways to deal with my mindset when having a crush on dance instructor. First, convince yourself that there is absolutely no chance (not even 0.001% but zero) of her/him being interested, nothing will ever happen and stop daydreaming and imagining possible scenarios. Just enjoy the lessons, because that is all you can get with her/him. Feel the body contact as playing and fun. Second, and this one might take time - find at least a few flaws and stop idealizing the object of your crush.

Don't take friendliness for granted. I think your best bet is to make good friends with as many women as you can (another little step towards confidence ), and stop obsessing about unsatisfactory dating life and failed relationships. You seem smart and successful. Get more hobbies if dancing does not take enough of your free time.

Btw, am I the only "newbie" finding these insider talks a little annoying (like #19 through #27 in here - totally unrelated to the subject)?

This I don't mind. I guess it's technically off-topic but it contributes to a friendly atmosphere rather than strictly professional. It's not like they're being exclusive, and it was an interesting if unintended reference. The forums are pretty quiet anyway otherwise.

Member

An interesting thing is that when you become as good (or better) than the teachers in your area you may start to look for alternative reasons to go to dance events (like flirting with other dancers/teacher) because otherwise you'll be bored of the scene and won't attend any events. Honestly I suggest treating the dance scene like you would any other setting, like coffee shops, bowling alley, etc. because at the end of the day we're all there to have fun. If you go to dances and try to enjoy the process of dancing, of getting better at something as a team, you'll eventually meet someone who you'll have a genuine connection with, romantic or otherwise, and you'll be able to eventually be the outgoing, confident, admired person you want to be.

Sidenote - don't expect a relationship with a teacher unless you're planning to never dance the type of dance in your region again. It's a mess

Member

Confidence and socializing abilities are no more related to dance skills than to any other skills. For me personally it is even contrary - the longer I dance, the less confident I feel about my dancing. "A vivid dance community" is just another option to go out and meet people, and does not necessarily imply quality dance instruction.

I highly recommend a book "The Brave Athlete: Calm the F*ck Down and Rise to the Occasion" (I discovered it thanks to this forum) - there is a chapter about confidence (I haven't started the implementation though).

Everything else equal, being attracted would be my last reason for changing instructors. The more pleasure I get for my hard earned money, the better. Hey, and having an attractive dance teacher, as well as being able to afford private lessons, are a few little things to boost your confidence in the "vivid dance community".
But seriously, I find a few ways to deal with my mindset when having a crush on dance instructor. First, convince yourself that there is absolutely no chance (not even 0.001% but zero) of her/him being interested, nothing will ever happen and stop daydreaming and imagining possible scenarios. Just enjoy the lessons, because that is all you can get with her/him. Feel the body contact as playing and fun. Second, and this one might take time - find at least a few flaws and stop idealizing the object of your crush.

Don't take friendliness for granted. I think your best bet is to make good friends with as many women as you can (another little step towards confidence ), and stop obsessing about unsatisfactory dating life and failed relationships. You seem smart and successful. Get more hobbies if dancing does not take enough of your free time.

Btw, am I the only "newbie" finding these insider talks a little annoying (like #19 through #27 in here - totally unrelated to the subject)?

Well all the female dance teachers at my school are physically attractive but I only have a crush on one of them and that just so happens to my teacher. In any case, I don't really consider it a pleasure to have an attractive teacher. After all, they're getting paid to dance with you and to teach you. So I don't see that as a confidence booster. After all, if I had met any of them in real life in any other circumstance, chances are they'd have zero interest in me. So having a crush on my teacher is something that isn't exactly pleasurable. Again, they're being paid to dance with me. It's not like they actually want to.

The good thing is that the crush is dissipating. You're right in that there is zero chance. I knew that from the beginning. Women like that have lots and lots of options.

My main motivation for learning to dance may have been to be more attractive to women. That was the motivator that got me to join a dance school. But over time, I've actually learned to love dancing for the sake of dancing. It actually doesn't come as a surprise since I love music and the arts in general. I play the guitar and the piano.

I'm also at the point now where I have enough things going on in my life that I'm not sitting around sulking that I don't have a girlfriend. I found a group where we sing and practice playing folk guitar lessons. I'm a musical nut so this is something I'm really into. I'm also gonna start playing recreational soccer soon cause it's gonna be winter and I won't be able to run outside. And on top of that, there's my busy career.

Well-Known Member

Smoothasian... if you become even modestly proficient at social dancing you will have more dance partners than you know what to do with. One may eventually turn romantic but if not it’s still a great problem to have

It wasn't clear to me if you go to group lessons, but I'd suggest that. Tell your classmates you are going and ask if they are going to the dance that weekend. If a class is offered beforehand, that's a great way to break the ice with several people who will then be at the dance.

I do mostly Tango, the shorter guys seem to get just as many dances.

Look up "Tango Cabeceo." It just basically means looking at someone to see if they want to dance, and nodding towards the dance floor once you have caught her eye. The Tango people claim it as their own, but really it is just a human thing. I have found it to work well at Blues and Contra events. It is more subtle (people don't see you do the "walk of shame"), and you can "ask" several ladies much more quickly this way.

I used to think guys good at asking ladies to dance had super powers to get ladies to say yes. I now realize it was more likely they had good cabeceo and/or body language reading skills, and would go to ladies more likely to say yes.