Caro Emerald: The Shocking Miss Emerald

Caro Emerald

The Shocking Miss Emerald

Grand Mono/Dramatico

This is the second album by Dutch singer Caro Emerald – and it’s the major-label debut. It’s a cutesy amalgam of dance-pop and some idea of old-world diva-jazz. That should tell you enough to know to run to the fucking hills and trust the album’s title as neither cute nor ironic; simply honest, warning you that a disgusting, syrupy mash of retro-referencing smugness is on the way.

Through it all, smiling and smug and sassy and somehow – almost – classy, Emerald does a good job at making a decent fist of this. She can sing. I guess. But she can’t make me care about her or her voice or her music. And she can’t make any excuse to cover the cynicism of this music-as-marketing-ploy. Black Valentine sounds like the theme to James Bond Jr: Die Another Daycare.Pack Up The Louie sounds like Lilly Allen was forced to sniff an ether rag, got clubbed on the head and woke up to find herself trapped in a glass display case at Baz Luhrmann’s house, made to sing and dance on the hour, every hour.

It’s advertising-jingle shtick at best. It’s like someone got hooked on any number of retro-styled pop/rock chanteuses on the market, Imelda May say, and happened to be listening to The Gotan Project at the time; thought they’d just marry it up.

Go buy some chocolate instead. You’ll hate yourself straight after finishing the block – just as you should if you finish this album. Actually, wait long enough – another day or two – and one of these jinglessongs will be soundtracking a chocolate ad. Should put you off both.