I recently reconnected with a classmate from my teens, and we fell in love almost immediately. We are in our early 50s, and both in long marriages to good people whom we love. Leaving our spouses is not an option, but after more than a year of calls, emails and encounters, we can't forget each other.

Despite our desire and the fact that his wife and my husband may be asexual, my friend and I have not slept with each other. My husband has given me permission to have a lover, but my friend's wife would be appalled if he asked for the same setup.

Shouldn't someone with no interest in sex and minimal romantic attachment to their spouse (they are like roommates) allow that spouse to fulfil her or his needs for stimulation and affection (discreetly) elsewhere without calling it "cheating"? My friend and I are moral people, but life is short.

He should be honest

Deception is always a bad idea. Tell the guy to be honest with his wife; not brutally, but in an "Honestly, how much does this suck right now for you? Because it really does for me …" way. The only immorality lies in deception, not in having his sexual needs fulfilled.

If he is unhappy, then he needs to man up, let her know how he feels, and find a solution. Otherwise, he is dooming himself to spending the rest of his life frustrated and unhappy. If she is not going to be part of that solution – and is content to let him be unhappy and frustrated – then that hardly qualifies as "love", now does it?

Beezer

He might be a giant liar

If you are married and you cheat, then it's cheating. It doesn't really matter whether the other half in the marriage is asexual or not. On the other hand, you and your husband have talked about the issue and you have his knowledge and consent.

Personally, I think this is enough for you to progress as you please. But it is not down to you to be responsible for your friend's morality, the discussions he has, or doesn't have, with his wife, or the truth about their relationship – specifically whether or not she is asexual.

However, you do need to protect yourself and understand for yourself whether he is being honest as far as it affects you and any plans you have for the pair of you longer term. He might be a giant liar who is telling his wife he is faithful and committed, while telling you the opposite.

Keyboardaddictagain

Her sex life is not your business

How would you like to be in his wife's position? Life may seem short given your current predicament, but she has spent years building a life with this man. Don't forget that this is her world you are planning on ruining, as you ponder over the semantics of morality.

You know what you want to do. You want to have an affair with somebody else's husband. I don't see any real concern for anyone else's feelings here, except when they are compatible with your own. Speculating on this woman's so-called asexuality is just an excuse, so you can give yourself permission to do what you want. Frankly, this woman's sex life isn't any of your business.