Cruelty to royals

Sooner or later, a child (not yet born, but whose conception is front page news) will be taken aside and given The Talk.

Not the “birds and bees” talk. Not the “While you are living under one of one’s roofs you will abide by one’s rules” talk. Not even (or at least not only) the “For god’s sake be careful what you do when there might be cameras about – don’t be like your uncle Harry” talk. No, it will be the “You were chosen by destiny to be the nation’s sovereign some day” talk.

Poor kid. Mama or papa, or grandpapa or great-grandmama, or Explainer Pursuivant or some other lackey, will sit it down and tell it the unpleasant truths.

“You will be head of the Church of England, so you’ll have to believe in God. No, let me rephrase that: you’ll have to profess a belief in God, and attend religious worship every Sunday until you die. You can be a secret atheist, like half the bishops in the C of E, but you must never breathe a word of it. Not even to a Dimbleby.

“The good news is that you can now marry a Catholic. You can’t be one, but you can marry one. Indeed you can marry anyone you like, subject to approval and vetting. The bad news is that you have to marry and have at least two children. No, you don’t have a choice.

“What do you mean, ‘What if I grow up to be gay’? Not an option. If you had an older brother or sister, that might be OK so long as you were discreet and took care to breed. But then if you had an older brother or sister you wouldn’t accede to the throne. Swings and rindabites.

“Everyone you meet will have formed an opinion about you beforehand. They might love you or hate you, but nobody will ever judge you on your own merits. On the plus side, you’ll definitely get into Cambridge. Or St Andrews, or Aberystwyth, or wherever we decide you’ll go. Oh, yes, you’ll need to learn a bit of Welsh.

“You’ll serve in the Navy, of course. Oh yes you will.

“‘Choice’? Why do you keep using that word? Take my word for it, the only choice you’ll ever make is whether to have jam or marmalade.”