Every year you wonder how you will find a bathing suit to flatter your weird body, and every year you get so turned around you end up at the beach in a wool suit wearing a child’s bikini top as an eye patch. You have wished for an easy-to-follow guide delineating womankind into five shapes, hoping especially that it would reference an annoying song from the '60s, and include the phrase “illusory miracle of a peplum,” so thank god for me, for I am the first to do just that. Here are the five basic body types and how to dress them for swimming time.

Pigpen

Maybe your body is not where you’d like it to be. After all, you aren’t twenty anymore, and your figure is partially masked by an undulating cloud of filth. If you’re wanting to minimize the amount of dust making its way from your skin into your eyes, I suggest investing in a pair of steampunk goggles—much more effective than the traditional swimming goggle, they’re built by nerds to withstand apocalypse ash. As for the fly buzzing two inches from your head (a permanent fixture at this point), try fitting him for an old timey bathing cap—Cute!

Tomatoes for hands

Your most marked feature is your tomatoes for hands. Obviously, there are times when this works to your advantage, like when you got out of gym class by hissing I can’t participate; I’m having tomato-hand problems before touching your hands to your stomach, splattering tomato juice all over yourself and your teacher. But it also has its downfalls, like when you’re trying to place a stamp on an envelope or hold your newborn baby. While a white bathing suit may seem out of the question, it’s actually an extremely flattering shade on you: white draws the eye right to the tomatoes instead of letting them fade into the background as with tomato-patterned bathing suits and other such styles. The trick here is to have your suit custom-made from a stain resistant material like white leather or a polyester tablecloth—then marvel as the tomato washes away in the pool.

Mid-section scars caused by an alien

Your main goal here is to cover the scars and stretch marks on your tummy from whence an alien burst forth and scared everyone at the dinner table. Personally, I find feathers can work wonders in this department. Just get a bunch of synthetic feathers from the dollar store, plug in your glue gun and get gluing!

Curled up in a ball crying

Don’t despair: many fledgling, recently divorced celebs share this body type, and while it’s basically impossible to disguise the patina of sadness that covers you head to toe, you can always wear novelty sunglasses over your teary eyes and a cartoonish glob of sunblock on your nose to distract from your wailing mouth. (This shape is not to be confused with tight ball of stress ready to combust—a shape tailor made for the tasteful tankini.)

No body

Are you a disembodied being floating around in the air free from the constraints of corporeal mortality? Lucky bitch, everything looks cute on you!