“I had a realization today,” said Marty, one of my students. “What I realized is that to be successful and confident, not everyone is going to like me…

And if I am pushing myself, I will most likely annoy and piss some people off because they may see me as a jerk, creepy or arrogant.

But I can’t let that affect how I feel about myself.”

Marty had this realization during a particular incident. He started speaking with a woman who worked in a store. He said something that was sexual and direct.

But his confidence didn’t have the intended effect. Things got awkward. So he walked out

As he was walking away from the store, he decided, instead of just leaving, that he was going to go back in and talk to her about it.

When he got there, he asked her if she was creeped out. She said that she was and he said, “I’m just being honest” and laughed a bit.

Marty said, “Yeah, sometimes people can be creepy.” She told him that if he wanted to buy something at her store she would talk to him, but otherwise she wasn’t interested in continuing the conversation.

“Well,” he responded, “I just came back to be a man and stand in my embarrassment.” He wished her a good day and left.

Marty felt good about wading into a situation that he knew would be uncomfortable but wasn’t going to hide from it.

It took a lot of courage for Marty to go back into that store and confront the woman.

Anytime we feel embarrassment and shame, it means we are pushing our comfort zone and improving our ability to deal with tough situations.

We all have discomfort we need to face, and this incident, as uncomfortable as it was, was a HUGE step in the right direction for Marty.

Most people hide their true nature and true intentions from others.

So what should we do?

Should we go around speaking our mind, try to fit in and pretend everything is peachy keen or do something in between?

Confident people have the ability to accept and express who they are in each moment.

The truth is, the more confident and successful we become, the less people are going to like us!

Why?

Because most people are not confident or successful and they’re going to be jealous.

So if you’re worried about being liked, GET OVER IT!

You know what woman consistently battles Oprah for the highest ratings on TV?

Judge Judith Sheindlin, a.k.a. Judge Judy.

Judge Judy tells the truth, and she’s not afraid to be who she is or express how she feels.

She wears her emotions on her sleeve and speaks her mind. Okay, she doesn’t speak her mind – she actually SHOUTS her mind!

Judge Judy doesn’t care about people liking her, and after spending 25 years making a tiny salary presiding over family court cases, she was offered her own show in Hollywood.

Now, depending on the ratings, she is the biggest female star on TV.

We can learn a lot from Judge Judy.

She is proof that even if people don’t like us, if we are honest they’ll respect us, and that matters a lot more.

It can be terrifying to tell the truth and get emotionally naked in front of people, especially if we are used to NOT doing it.

Baby steps are the key…

Start to be aware of your emotions running under the surface.

Intuitive people will be able to read you like a book, regardless of the words coming out of your mouth.

Beautiful women are some of the most intuitive people on the planet. If you’re trying to fool them into liking you, the joke’s on you.

Shift your focus.

Find a safe environment to express your emotions without holding back or apologizing for who you are.

I used to think this was “gay” or for hippies.

I didn’t have a masculine role model who could show me how it’s done.

It’s funny, but the more I express myself and allow myself to act out all of those behaviors that most people judge and label as wrong, bad, selfish and evil, the less the behaviors have a hold on me.

Not only that, but speaking about it gives people an access point to connect with me, and it’s a hell of a lot more fun than walking around with a “nice guy” mask on all the time!

The bottom line is this.

If we don’t piss some people off and gather a few haters in the process, we are playing small.

Back in the day, I was out with a small group of students at a new bar in west L.A.

Prior to going out, we did a bunch of drills to help them get over their approach anxiety and have fun opening conversations. We were using some fairly edgy openers. But all of the guys in attendance had zero approach anxiety by the end of the night, and we all had a great time.

How is it possible to say edgy things and deliver risky openers without worrying about what happens afterward?

A conversation I had with one of my students who is a little older and less comfortable in bar environments really stood out to me. We were talking about the importance of having a group of supportive people to make this process of a lot easier and more fun.

One of the biggest phrases that is tossed around in the Inner Game community is “Learn to not care about the outcome.”

I heard a slew of others presenters speak about this last week at a event where I also spoke. I think this concept is completely bankrupt.

How can you actually not care about the outcome? I guarantee that any man on this planet would rather have a beautiful woman give him a kiss then throw a drink in his face after he approached her.

If you engage in an activity, you by default care about the outcome; otherwise, you wouldn’t do it.

So let’s tweak the phrase a little and call it “Not being outcome-dependent.”

You approach her, she pours a drink on your head – but at the end of the day, you are glad you did it, you learned a ton from the experience, and you are ready to try again. If this is your attitude, you will continue to improve, regardless of the outcome of your interactions.

When I look back on my progress, I remember a very distinct three-month period where I improved dramatically. During those three months, I went out with a great group of guys (and sometimes girls) on a weekly basis and we pushed the heck out of our comfort zones in a fun way.

We challenged each other to do crazy stuff and no matter what came of it, we always found a way to laugh and have fun with the process.

If you want to develop social skills and learn to stop being outcome-dependent, having a support group is the best way.

If you don’t have a really good support group, finding one should be your number one priority if you want to improve this area of your life.

Have you ever gone out to a bar with the goal of getting a phone number, getting a kiss, getting some action or having great interactions?

If your answer is “no,” then I know you’re a liar! We’ve all been there and you may be wondering, “What’s wrong with doing that?”

When we set a goal and it doesn’t happen, most of us beat ourselves up and decide to try harder next time.

Next time rolls around and since we have decided to try harder, now we’re gonna make the goal even tougher and push ourselves even more.

It doesn’t happen, and we beat ourselves up again.

The problem is not that we suck; the problem is that our goals suck!

Key Point: Your goals must be measurable, and they must be achievable with certainty.

You can approach every woman in the bar or the party, but you can’t set the goal to get a date because you can’t force someone to say yes. This goal is measurable because ‘every woman in the bar’ is measurable, but it’s not achievable with certainty.

You can set the goal to ask five women for dates because you can control it. All you have to do is ask.

When you set your goals on things you can’t control, you set yourself up for failure because you’re leaving your success up to chance.

This is a major mistake guys make that crushes their inner game because it turns into a vicious circle.

You go out to get results, and you don’t get them because you can’t control them. Then you beat yourself up and decide that next time you’re gonna try harder.

We continue this pattern for a few weeks, months, maybe even years and eventually, we just can’t take the failure anymore, so we give up and quit.

We can’t control whether or not a woman is gonna give us her number or say yes to a date.

We can’t control if she’s gonna kiss us, and we can’t force an interaction to be good.

Why? Because it takes two to tango.

Here is my goal-setting process:

Ask yourself what you want.

See if it’s measurable.

Determine how realistic it is.

Make sure it involves fun.

Make sure it pushes your comfort zone a little but not too much.

Example:

I want to go out and talk to women.

Oops, that is not measurable; let’s say five women.

Is it realistic? Last night I went out and talked to one; five might be too many. Let’s say two instead.

Is it gonna be fun? It will be fun if they are friendly. Wait, I can’t control if they’re going to be friendly, so that’s a bad goal. What do I want instead? I want to talk to two women, and I want them to like me. I can’t control that either, but I think I’ll feel better if I am honest about that. Okay, so I’m going to approach two women and tell them that I want them to like me. Okay, that sounds like fun!

Actually, I think two women is slightly too easy; let’s make it three women.

So I went out, approached three groups of women by walking over and saying, “Hey, I don’t know what to say to you, but I want you to like me.”

The first group busted up and said, “HAHA, that is the most honest thing I’ve heard tonight!”

The next group looked at me like I was retarded, and the last group loved me and we talked for 15 minutes.

Are you seeing how it works?

Set yourself up for success rather than failure. If you can control your destiny, you can’t lose.

You simply set a goal, and you go out and make it happen. Nothing builds success more than taking action, getting results, feeling more confident and then repeating the pattern.

Being a smart person is usually a good thing; however, when it comes to meeting and dating women, it can be a hindrance at times.

There are many ways that overthinking about dating and meeting women hurts you.

I have a few suggestions for guys out there who are confused at times and don’t know what the next step is.

Be your own best friend
At some time in point, there has to be a shift in the way you talk to yourself about meeting and dating women. Instead of the voice that beats you up, you’ve got to be your own best friend and pat yourself on the back for trying. I think this is essential, because at the end of the day, it’s your life and you’re the most interested in your own success. Be the guy who encourages himself and keeps a positive attitude about meeting and dating women.

Make a decision and roll with it
There are many schools out there and many strategies for meeting women. Instead of being confused and lost about what to do or how to improve, here is a great technique I thought of the other day. Start by sitting in a room by yourself and talking about you and your life in the third person. If this feels weird to you, then write it down instead. Oftentimes we get so bogged down in the daily grind that stepping back and trying to look at your life objectively will help. For example, let’s say there’s a guy named Jerry who is improving his relationships with women. Jerry should sit by himself and start a dialogue with himself about himself:

“So Jerry, I see you’re going out once a week and I feel, as your friend, that you could be doing more. You’ve done a great job so far, and you’re focused and determined. What do you think you need to work on? Teasing? Well, that’s a good idea, but I think you really need to work on just being able to carry the conversation. I can tell you’re committed…”

Conversations like this, as silly as it may sound, help you coach yourself to success because you gain awareness of your current strengths and weaknesses. Awareness is the first step to change, and building this is key. At the end of the day, you know EXACTLY what you need to do to be successful, and it’s a matter of trusting yourself.

Notice how the self-coaching is always inquisitive and always suggestive. If you do this enough, you will get into a habit of being comfortable with your decisions because you’re finally listening to the one voice that matters: yours.

Recognize your strengths and acknowledge them
An important part of meeting women acknowledging your strengths and what you’re offering to women. I remember when I was first learning, I felt like I didn’t have a lot to offer women. That’s why I went to routines and others tricks to entertain women. Later on, I realized that you’ve got to look at your strengths and recognize what you can offer. I’ve realized that I offer: my listening, my presence, my smile, my wittiness, my attention, my focus, my affection. The list can go on. These are gifts that I am sharing with the woman I’m talking to. Always remember that what you are bringing to the table is yourself.

Catch your dis-empowering thoughts

A big suggestion I have for guys who are stuck in their head is to try and stop their neurotic thinking. Thinking is okay, but neurotic thinking is bad. When can you recognize the difference? Whenever your thoughts make you feel good and are empowering, it’s usually not neurotic thinking. Neurotic thinking usually involves thinking that dis-empowers you, that makes you feel not okay, makes you feel like you’re not good enough, or makes you feel stuck and confused. Neurotic thinking usually makes you feel bad and can even make you physically ill.

This can be tough practice, but catch your thoughts that are neurotic. Catch yourself when you’re saying to yourself:

“I need to learn…”

“Man, I suck at…”

“When will I ever…”

“Why don’t women…”

“I wish I was like…”

“I need to study…”

Each one of the above is an example of thinking that is not serving you. Catch those thoughts. The moment you recognize them, they go away. It’s your mind playing tricks on you, trying to bully you and beat you up. In reality, you are good enough! Recognize the inauthenticity in these thoughts. A majority of them are simply not true and not based in reality. The reality is that you are okay the way you are, you’re an attractive guy who has a lot to offer, and you are good enough.

Make win-win relationships with the world

Another issue that comes with meeting and dating women is seeing other men who are doing much better than you. You can harbor resentment, jealousy and even envy over men who are doing better than you. The best way to stop thinking like this is to stop seeing the world as a competition where some men win and others lose or where women win and men lose. This way of thinking is harmful and creates an inferiority complex the more you think these thoughts. Start taking each of these situations and see how you can make them win-wins. A guy who is successful with women is also someone worth befriending and modeling. Also, befriending women who are getting lots of dates is an opportunity to work on yourself and be the guy she chooses. Every scenario in your head that you are running where you are “losing” and someone else is “winning” can be turned into a win-win relationship. Eventually you will start seeing the world as abundant and your opportunities as limitless. This is a good place to be.

So remember, when it comes to connecting with people and being social, thinking too much is only going to make your life harder.

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Does any of this sound familiar?
I’m a smart, funny, and cool dude, but when I get around really hot chicks, its like my mind goes blank and my IQ drops 50 points. I can’t think of anything to say … Read More