Category: Hard topics made easier

Everybody fights. But how you fight determines whether you end up feeling better or worse. Express Yourself ECards is an iPhone app you download at the App Store and try out for free. It was originally created as a-pen-and -paper homework tool for couples in Betsy Sansby’s therapy practice. Sansby wanted to give couples an easy way to talk about hard topics when she wasn’t around.

The tool worked so well that Sansby decided to build an iPhone and iPad version of the tool and expand the checklists that come with each card and help the User find the right words, and put them in the right order, to deliver a hard message more effectively.

In my experience, you can’t win with someone who has borderline personality disorder (BPD). You might start off feeling great around them, but sooner or later, they will accuse you of “offending, betraying, abandoning, or not really caring” about them. And one day, because you will tire of trying to prove yourself, you will give up. You will feel controlled, and they will feel justified for assuming the worst about you.

Understanding borderline personality disorder (BPD)

People with BPD aren’t crazy. They can be high-strung, thin-skinned, and self-absorbed.

Their reactions—while extreme to you—feel justified to them.

Because they feel everything—and often misinterpret what they’re experiencing—they can be difficult to reason with.

Things that feel innocuous or reasonable to you really can feel unbearably rude, hurtful, or painful to them.

Because their bodies misinterpret or exaggerate the meaning of other people’s words or actions, they are often disappointed when a relationship they thought was mutual turns out to be one-sided.

Their relationships tend to be voloatile, intense, and short-lived.

Because they feel slighted often, the people around them tend to tiptoe, give more than they receive to prove they care, and accept erratic, irrational, and seemingly crazy behavior.

Giving in to irrational demands for loyalty, devotion, or special treatment will eventually lead to resentment of the person you once loved.

Loving someone with BPD

It’s possible to love someone who suffers from borderline personality disorder. As long as you meet their needs, they can be delightful. But as soon as you disappoint them, watch out. You’ll find yourself scratching your head while walking on eggshells.

My advice is to tell your friend that you love her. Andthat you will honor her request for no contact. And enjoy your freedom.

Chances are that sooner or later, your friend will call you out of the blue. She won’t mention the month that’s passed since you last spoke. She won’t apologize for cutting you off, hanging up on you, or accusing you of not caring about her.

She’ll probably act like nothing happened. Then she’ll ask you if you still want to go to concert you planned to attend together.

Above all, do not bend over backwards to prove your love or give in to emotional demands for greater loyalty or special treatment. This only encourages more of the same. Instead, express love-with-limits. It’s really your only hopeof being in a successful long term relationship with someone with BPD.

Years ago, I had a client who always arrived late and wouldn’t leave at the end of her session. When I mentioned this pattern, she blew up. She accused me of “faking it all along.” She told me I had misled her into thinking she was special.

“If I didn’t know it before,” she said, “I know it now. All I am to you is a paycheck!”

In her mind this made perfect sense. If she arrived late and I gave her extra time, this would prove she was special. The truth was that if I gave her extra time, it would mean that my next client would be kept waiting. Not only would this be disrespectful of their time. It would mean that everyone would have to start late, and I would be running over for the rest of the day.

Over time, if you give in to irrational expectations they will continue. Sooner or later, you will start to pull away. And your friend will be right. You’ll go from being the “only one who cares,” to being “just like everybody else.”

You’ll be the latest in the string of people who have “stopped caring” and really are trying to avoid her.

I don’t recommend trying to reason with anyone who is angry or irrational.

Here’s why. When a person is angry, stress hormones are automatically released into the bloodstream. These hormones tell the body to do one of four things:

Fight

Flee

Freeze

Collapse

Notice that “Talk “isn’t on the list. That’s because anytime we feel personally attacked or threatened, our reptilian brain—the ancient, purely reflexive, non-rational part of the brain—reacts, and our entire body shifts into survival mode. We don’t think straight from this place, because in survival mode, the rational part of our brain shuts down so the reptilian brain can get us to safety.

It is always better to postpone difficult discussions until both parties are in a more balanced, and more resourceful place. Nobody thinks straight in a hailstorm. Better to wait until the storm has passed.

Today’s Tricky Tuesday is about breaking through the silence when someone you care about is unwilling or unable to talk to you.

First off, you must understand the distinction between those two states—unwilling or unable. While the two may exist at the same time, they don’t necessarily.

You must understand the distinction between unwilling and unable. While the two may exist at the same time, they don’t necessarily.

Unwilling can mean many things:

I’m hiding something.

I’m afraid of your reaction.

I’m ashamed of something I did.

I’m stalling for time to come up with an alibi or excuse.

I’m showing you how it feels to be shut out.

I’m trying to guilt you into doing something you forgot to do, or don’t want to do.

I want you to suffer.

I’m trying to make you think I know more than I do about something you did (so you’ll confess).

I’m actually protecting you by not saying what I’d like to say right now.

I need to focus on another task or issue that can’t wait.

I refuse to talk about this with others present.

I don’t feel safe or equipped to talk about this topic, except in therapy.

Unable can mean something very different:

I’m over-stimulated right now and my brain isn’t working well enough to talk.

I’m not sure what I’m feeling because my body is flooded with multiple feelings at once.

I can’t find the right words.

I need more time to process what I’m feeling.

I can’t be pressured into talking.

I’m too tired.

I need to better-rested before we have this conversation.

You always interrupt me or tell me what I should be thinking or doing, so I can’t get my thoughts out.

The situation

Ben and Joel have adopted a child. Initially, they were thrilled, but for the past few days, something hasn’t felt right. Ben came home from work Friday, agitated. He barely acknowledged Joel or the baby the entire weekend.

Before the baby came, the couple had agreed: Ben would keep working as a teacher, and Joel would take unpaid leave from work to stay home with their new baby. Then, once school was out, Ben would take over for the summer and Joel would go back to work.

The silence was deafening. Joel knew something was wrong, but Ben refused to talk and insisted everything was fine. The truth was, Ben had lost his temper with a student who made an offensive joke about gays. Witnesses saw Ben chase the boy down the hall and shove him against a locker. Ben was fired.

There is nothing unusual about this kind of problem. When shame takes over, it becomes painful–if not impossible—to speak about it.

The Talk to Me, Already! card was designed to give the person who’s feeling shut out a way to connect with the person unwilling or unable to speak. It allows the Sender to express their hurt, anger, suspicions, or fears from a distance when the person in the room is unresponsive. Below is an example of screenshots I took of an Express Yourself ECard Joel might have written to Ben. The remaining checklists (not visible on the first screenshot) give Joel a chance to express both his hurt and his love for Ben, as well as his desire to know the truth so he can be part of whatever solution they need to come up with as a couple. The beauty of the cards is that they can be sent from a distance to anyone’s phone (even if they have an android) or tablet, since the link appears in an email.

For years I’ve wanted to share this tool with a wider audience. In its original form, it was a paper and pencil homework tool I called “The OuchKit.” I designed it for couples in my therapy practice who kept asking me to come home with them so they could have the kind of conversations on their own that they were having when I was there.

And now, with the advent and convenience of the iPhone and iPad, anyone interested in deepening their relationships can use Express Yourself ECards to understand themselves better, and express their feelings more effectively to get a more positive response. And the best part, is that you don’t need a therapist in the room to help you do it. For 99 cents, you can do it all by yourself. And it can change your life.

Please let me know how you like using it, and feel free to send me your Express Yourself ECards stories, good or bad.

Betsy is available for in-office therapy in Minnesota from May through October, and is available for online or phone communication coaching anytime from wherever she is. Contact her by text, or use the Contact tab on the menu.

Let’s talk about differences in desire in intimate relationships. The topic is so important, that of the 100 or so choices on the symptom list I give to new couples, “differences in desire” consistently gets the highest number of hits. Continue reading “Tricky Tuesday: Differences in desire”→