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The morning I found out I was pregnant was quite surreal. I remember just lying in bed crying and thanking God for this blessing that he was giving us. A chorus of a song kept running through my head “You are faithful, God you are faithful” but for the life of me, that’s all I could remember. I tried googling just those lyrics but not much was coming up.

Great is your faithfulness, you’ve shown to me – each day new blessing flow from Calvary.Though other’s change you are the same. You are my God and faithful will remain.

Lord, You’ve been faithful through all these years; through every joy, through every tear. You’ve kept your promises; you’ve seen us through. Now keep us faithful Lord to You – Now keep us faithful Lord to You.

Though friends may turn away, your love is true. Each time I stray you draw me back to you. You see my heart, you know my name. You are my God and faithful will remain.

Can we find a friend so faithful, who will all our sorrows bear?In his arms He’ll take and shield thee – thou wilt find a solace there.

Lord, You’ve been faithful through all these years; through every joy, through every tear. You’ve kept your promises; you’ve seen us through. Now keep us faithful Lord to You – Now keep us faithful Lord to YOU….Lord You’ve been faithful!

A fantastic song, but it wasn’t the song that was running through my head that morning.

This past Sunday we sang “the song” or should I say, everyone else sang the song, I could barely get the words out of my throat let alone wipe the tears from my eyes fast enough. I swear the people who sit around us at church must think all I do is cry through every service! But the words to this song are so precious to me – and it fully describes the journey of infertility, for me at least.

“Never Once” by Matt Redman

Standing on this mountaintopLooking just how far we’ve comeKnowing that for every stepYou were with usKneeling on this battle groundSeeing just how much You’ve doneKnowing every victoryWas Your power in usScars and struggles on the wayBut with joy our hearts can sayYes, our hearts can sayNever once did we ever walk aloneNever once did You leave us on our ownYou are faithful, God, You are faithfulKneeling on this battle groundSeeing just how much You’ve doneKnowing every victoryWas Your power in usScars and struggles on the wayBut with joy our hearts can sayYes, our hearts can sayNever once did we ever walk aloneNever once did You leave us on our ownYou are faithful, God, You are faithfulYou are faithful, God, You are faithfulScars and struggles on the wayBut with joy our hearts can sayNever once did we ever walk aloneCarried by Your constant graceHeld within Your perfect peaceNever once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk aloneNever once did You leave us on our ownYou are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your graceEvermore we’ll be breathing out Your praiseYou are faithful, God, You are faithfulYou are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithfulYou are faithful, God, You are faithful

This song was just a huge reminder that this has been a journey – it wasn’t an easy one, it’s not one that I would wish upon my worst enemy. It’s not been easy watching over 70 friends announce their pregnancies in a 6 months span of time (before I stopped counting.) It’s not been easy throwing friends and loved ones baby showers (even though I’m happy for them!) It’s not been easy feeling like your mind and body aren’t the same, because you are so high on fertility drugs that you are literally going crazy. It’s been HARD. My heart still breaks because I have friends still walking this journey. I wish that I could ease their pain just a little bit.

But through it all God has been faithful. He’s never left my side, he’s never left me alone. And for that reason, and that reminder, I am thankful for the journey. He knew that we weren’t ready for a child when we were in Michigan, or Missouri, or Iowa. He knew that we needed to be part of a good church where we felt like we belonged, he knew that we needed more people to hold us up in prayer and support us in this journey. He knew the exact timing when things were going to be “right” for us to have a baby. He knew….and still knows what’s best. And I think that is the one thing that overwhelms me the most. His timing is so perfect.

I do want to clarify something that has bothered me recently in facebook posts, in friends words etc… God would still be faithful and good even if we were NOT pregnant right now, even if God would have said NO to our desire to have children. God is still faithful and good in the bad times. God is still faithful and good when things are going down the drain. God is not only good when he blesses us and things are all sunshine and rainbows – he is good and faithful ALL the time. He always has a reason to do things in HIS perfect timing.

Warning! If you get grossed out reading about girly goo and other bodily functions quit reading now and pick up on another post!

I left you on a “high” in part 5, we finally had good news. So now we had to wait until my next cycle started so that we could start the new fertility drugs. February comes around and I had some dark brown spotting, but never a full-on period. March comes around and does the same thing. Strange enough they were during the time that my normal period SHOULD have shown up (not that I was in anyway “regular” but it was about the time I should have expected it.) So after the second time I called the fertility doctor and she had me come in to review what was going on and see what our next step was.

I headed to the clinic and she told me that those dark spotting’s WERE my period, but I wasn’t having a full blown period because of doing too many cycles of clomid the year before. My body was completely screwed up and had no clue what to do. So doctors orders were to do a month on a birth control pill to “make” my body have a period. I was really un-easy about this, and really struggled with being ok taking a birth control pill when we were trying so hard to get pregnant. But after talking with some girlfriends and understanding that my body needed to build up the estrogen lining so that it COULD shed, I started the birth control on April 9th.

During the time of taking the birth control I had a few people say some pretty negative things about Christians using fertility drugs to get pregnant – that I wasn’t trusting God to give us a baby. Now I know that yes, God did create a woman’s body to make babies, and when our bodies work the way God intended we don’t need to use fertility drugs. BUT we live in a world full of sin, sickness, chemicals and things God never intended for our bodies to “live in” when He created us. So I didn’t really believe these people when they said I wasn’t trusting God to give us a baby – I know that even with fertility drugs He still is the giver of life, and only HE can create a baby in a woman’s uterus. But the whole fertility drug thing well, I was questioning. I was struggling. So I started praying…..hard.

If you know the story of Gideon in the Bible he really needed to be sure of what God was telling him to do, so he laid out a fleece and asked God to let the ground be wet and the fleece be dry if this was really God’s will. The next morning it was so. So Gideon prayed again and asked that the ground be dry and the fleece be wet the next morning – the next morning it was so. Now I don’t always pray this way, but I needed something tangible this time. So I prayed for something so impossible, I knew that if it happened that it could ONLY be God, there is no way that any person could have made this happen. I also set a deadline – because I needed to be able to cancel the drugs that we ordered so we didn’t spend a bunch of money on them.

The deadline came and went, and this thing I prayed for didn’t happen. I immediately felt a peace about continuing with the treatments. It was so weird – like a light switch almost.

So on May 8th we started Fermara (another drug like clomid, but it doesn’t stay in the system for as long as Clomid does) and on May 12th we started the injections of Gonal-f. Brian had to give me these shots because the thought of sticking myself with a needle gives me the hee-bee-jee-bees! He did great, and it didn’t hurt hardly as much as I worked myself up that it would.

Here comes the fun part. Brian had a work trip (of course!) starting right about the time that I would be ovulating (these things always happen to us! oh well!) So we planned ahead and had a sperm sample frozen just in case Brian was gone when I ovulated. If he was still here we wouldn’t use it, if he wasn’t here I would use it – clear as mud?

May 17th rolls around and I go into the clinic and the Doctor does an ultrasound on my ovaries to see if they are ready to ovulate. She saw follicles in BOTH ovaries and they were both large enough to ovulate. So the nurse gave me a shot of Ovedrell – which is a drug that will MAKE me ovulate – my body has no choice BUT to ovulate.

May 18th – I took an ovulation test around 3 p.m. and I had my first positive ovulation test. The smiley face was pretty amazing. Yep, I cried my eyes out over it!

We were told to try and have sex as many times as we could over the next 2 days (the 18th and 19th) but of course Brian was leaving REALLY early on the morning of the 19th for his work trip AND we had tickets to see the Detroit Tigers play the Texas Rangers that night (the 18th) So we had to get “busy” in a fairly short time period. So we did!

WARNING: If you are easily grossed out or uneasy hearing about “female” stuff stop reading here and come back another day!

So before we moved to Texas I knew that I needed to find a new doctor. I had been seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist back in Iowa, and while I liked her – she wasn’t a “Fertility Specialist.” She ran her office more like an OBGYN office than a Specialist office – and that was ok for Iowa. But I knew I needed something different this time. I also knew that being closer to Dallas was a plus because they were going to have more options than I had where we were in Iowa. So I started searching the web. I put in “Fertility Doctor Frisco Texas” (which is the closest big city to us) And an office popped up. The first one. Dallas IVF. They had a location within a 20 minute drive of our house. They had fantastic result numbers in helping couples get pregnant. At the time I was searching it was pretty late in the day so I decided to use their “contact us” form and send them an email, not really thinking that I would hear back from them anytime soon.

The next morning the DOCTOR, not the nurse the DOCTOR, called me and told me she could see me the NEXT day. I was shocked and a little in awe. I had to explain to her that we weren’t moving for another few weeks, but I would love to get an appointment to see her when we did move.

We moved the last week of November, got the keys to our house on November 29th, our stuff arrived that weekend and I had an appointment with the Doctor on December 4th. I remember that day pretty clearly. I was rushing around the house trying to find clothes to wear, and then find shoes to wear – there were boxes EVERYWHERE. Oh the joys of moving!

We arrived at the Doctors office, Yes, WE. Brian has thankfully been a HUGE supporter to me during this process and tries to go to every appointment with me if at all possible. We ended up waiting 45 minutes before seeing the doctor. We were both a little on edge because of the wait – but found out that she was running late because she was with another patient running some tests or something. So she starts asking the regular questions: how long have you been trying, what methods have you used etc… She was FLOORED that we had been through SO MANY Clomid cycles with the previous doctor – and that the doctor had allowed it to happen. She heard that I have PCOS and without even thinking she said “PCOS, no problem, I can get you pregnant. PCOS is an easy fix” The first glimmer of HOPE that we had seen in a VERY LONG TIME. So she discussed the options we had before us, and put us on a plan. She wanted to re-run a few tests to see my uterus and my Fallopian tubes for herself, which was fine by me. So we left the appointment feeling GREAT, knowing that she was the doctor for us and had a plan that when my next cycle started we would start with some testing.

Of course my cycle decided to wait until RIGHT before we left for our Christmas holiday trip to start so we had to wait for the NEXT cycle to do any testing.

End of January 2013:

YAY, my cycle FINALLY started! I know, most infertile couples wouldn’t be jumping up and down with joy for the start of a cycle. It’s usually a very sad and painful way to say “Look, you’ve failed again, you’re not pregnant.” But this time I was excited, knowing that we were getting this ball rolling. I called up the office and made an appointment for another HSG Dye Test (This is the test that they put a blue dye into the Fallopian tubes to see any blockage or problems.) My doctor wasn’t available to do the test that day so another doctor in the clinic did the test. It seemed to me that they had a specialized x-ray machine that is JUST for this test, it wasn’t the regular x-ray table that you see at the hospital. So the doctor put the dye into my tubes, and yes this causes a fair amount of pain, almost immediately he says “Wow, your tubes look fantastic!” I half sat up and said “WHAT?” Because remember one of the doctors in Iowa wanted to cut the tubes out because they were “bad.” He assured me by showing me the dye on the x-ray machine, it was flowing freely through both tubes. I was SHOCKED to say the least. I was SO very happy that we hadn’t listed to the previous doctor and went ahead and had my tubes removed. SO happy that we listened to our gut and sought out additional advise. Finally, some good news in this long process!

Look for part 6 coming soon!

Please take a second and view this video – and then share it. It will give you an entirely new perspective on people going through infertility – You may have someone you know that is going through this journey alone and heartbroken, 1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility.

If you get offended easily or grossed out – please skip this post and stop reading now.

July 2011

We officially did our first round of Clomid (I only had the prescription for 2 months at this point) Of course I always seem to start my cycles right before or when we travel – this of course was the case. Of course when you travel your entire schedule goes out the window because you have friends that want to see you, you’re tired from exploring all day, you have a wedding etc… it just goes out the window. If you know anything about Clomid you know you’re supposed to take it during certain days of your cycle and then you’re supposed to have sex on other days of your cycle. So the days we are supposed to have sex are of course our busiest days. I remember one night I was so tired and just wanted to sleep, but I knew we needed to have sex, and Brian wanted to go down to the bar and see his college buddies. So I told him lets do a “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” and he could leave and I could stay – of course DURING his college buddy comes and knocks on the door….thankfully he left and didn’t keep knocking and we were able to finish……can we saw AWKWARD!! oh my…

Well needless to say that round of Clomid didn’t work.

September 2011

I finally heard about another doctor in our area and called to get an appointment with her – I couldn’t get in until December….alright, I will wait.

December 2011

Finally got in to see Doctor #3 – she was wonderful. She sat and listened to me, she listened to Brian and wanted to see if she could help us. She also did another ultrasound and didn’t think that we needed to have my Fallopian tubes removed, and she wanted to do an HSG dye test to see if my tubes were clear.

March 2012

We finally got the HSG test scheduled. Again, because of my crazy cycles it took us a while. After the test she said she thought she unblocked the left tube, but she couldn’t get the dye to even go through the right tube, and that it was probably blocked. So our chances of getting pregnant were VERY slim, but not impossible.

During this time I found out that I needed to have surgery on my ear so from April 2012 – June 2012 we had to use protection so that we wouldn’t get pregnant.

July 2012 – November 2012

We did a round of clomid each month – none of them working, each one they gave me a higher dose, and the crazier I became. My emotions were on a roller coaster. I was happy one second, depressed and sad the next. Even threatening to throw my cat outside and get rid of her – and if you know me, that’s not something that I would ever do! And don’t even get me started on the hot flashes!

So we moved to Iowa. It took me a few months to feel comfortable driving in the 4 feet of snow, and to find a doctor. I decided to go with a Certified Nurse Midwife (CNM) that worked at a local OBGYN office. I went in to see her and thought she was nice enough, she didn’t spend a whole lot of time with me, and the appointment seemed almost rushed. She prescribed me my first round of Clomid to take with my next cycle.

May 2011

So Brian was able to take me with him on a work-trip to Michigan. It was nice to finally be able to GO with him instead of waiting at home for him. Well lo and behold I started my cycle while we were there. So I had to have the CNM call the prescription into a pharmacy in Michigan. By the time I went to pick up the prescription my period had stopped. And the next day it started again, and then stopped again. I called the CNM and finally was able to talk to HER and not her nurse. She basically said in a very exasperated voice “You are no longer my patient, I don’t know what else to do with you. You can see someone else in our office” I was FLOORED. After one cycle she’s going to give up on me? Needless to say, I was shocked. But stupidly went to see another doctor in her office – this time a fertility specialist.

So we went to see Doctor #2. He wanted to do all his own tests and ultrasounds – so we went along with it. During the ultrasound he saw some fluid on the right Fallopian tube, and said the left one looked to be in pretty bad shape. His suggestion? Go have surgery and cut them both out and try having a family another way. Needless to say we needed another opinion/option.

It’s always been a harder song for me to sing due to my mom passing away much sooner than “I” would have liked her to. But it hit me pretty hard as we sang the bridge:

“He gives and takes away, He gives and takes away. My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be His name….”

And I began to think, and cry, and wonder – Will I, can I, really say that MY HEART will choose to Bless the Lord if he chooses NOT to give me children of my own? Will I still love Him more than anything? Will I still serve Him? Will I still Bless His Name?

Yes.

Because even though this is a journey that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. A journey that isn’t “fair” for any couple to go through – let alone easy. I will still Love him. I will still serve Him. I will still Praise Him. Because without Him, I am nothing. Without Him I wouldn’t have hope. Without Him I know I would never see my momma again. Let’s not forget that He is my only way into Heaven.

So Yes, it will not be easy, but my heart will STILL choose to say….Blessed Be The Name Of The Lord.

Mother’s Day has been a difficult day for me for several years now. You see my mom passed away a little over 5 years ago. She was my best friend. She wasn’t perfect and there were a lot of things that I will do differently than she did. But She was my mom, and I loved her. I don’t think it gets easier as time goes by. There are still days that I could cry at a drop of a hat when I think of her. I miss her dearly. Why doesn’t Heaven have a telephone?

Me and my mom when I was little – probably around the age of 4-5

That first mother’s day after she passed away I cried through the entire church service, and left early to go to her grave and cry my eyes out some more. Now that I am struggling with becoming a mother the day is a double edged sword for me. I am made to feel worthless, not important, less-than. I have the parts, but am just not able to have a child of my own. I sit and think that if we ever do have children my mom won’t be there to be a grandmother to them, they will never have the privilege of knowing her.

Please don’t take this as I am not happy for those who DO and CAN get pregnant – that’s’ not the case. And it’s another story for another time.

Last year I came across this post and it touched me so deeply that I shared it then. This year I’ve gone to sharing it daily on my facebook page hoping, praying, pleading for some of these pastors out there (and people in general) to be a little more sensitive to women who are mothers in their hearts, but wouldn’t qualify to be celebrated in the church. Let alone be sensitive to those who ARE mother’s that are struggling because they have lost their children, or their children aren’t making the best choices in life. Let’s not forget about those who have been mistreated by the hands of their mother, or those who selflessly gave their child up for adoption because it was best for the child. The list could go on and on.

Some have taken this to say that we should get rid of Mother’s Day – I say “NO WAY” – I loved my mom, I love my Mother-in-law, I love my grandmas – let’s celebrate them, let’s love on them. Let’s just remember that this day if very difficult for many women. Let’s be sensitive to them.

So today on Mother’s Day I acknowledge you….

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you

To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you

To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is.

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you

To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you

To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you

To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience

To those who lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood – we are better for having you in our midst

To those who have aborted children – we remember them and you on this day

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be

To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths

To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren -yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year – we grieve and rejoice with you

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you

This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.

Life went back to normal….but in the back of my mind I couldn’t help but think “What if I really did have a miscarriage?” So finally in March of 2009 I decided to talk to Brian about it. My heart was heavy and knowing that I would probably have issues getting pregnant I suggested maybe we just start “officially” trying now. He was on board. Now I have no clue WHY I remember this exact date, but I do. It was March 15, 2009.

We also had the discussion at the same time that we wouldn’t tell anyone that we were trying. We really didn’t want people asking us all the time “you guys pregnant yet?” “When are you going to start trying?” “Don’t you know how that works?” I’ve never understood why people think they have the right to ask those kind of questions – it’s not like I go up to them and ask them how their sex life is. During the 3 1/2 years of NOT telling many people I’ve always had to shrug that question off…when inside I really wanted to answer something along the lines of ‘Well, maybe we’re not having sex the right way, do you want to come and show us how it’s done?” But I don’t, because it’s rude! oh well…. Back to the story….

So we start trying to get pregnant. We both start taking really good vitamins, eating healthier etc… And then Brian loses his job right before our 1 year anniversary. Thankfully he ended up getting a new job but it was in Missouri (At this time we were still living in Michigan) So that caused a little bit of a problem. But I faithfully traveled from Michigan to Missouri every 2 weeks to see him, and hopefully get pregnant. But it didn’t happen. 9 months later I moved to Missouri with my husband (YAY!) and we continued to try. (This was March 2010 – so we’ve “officially” been trying for one year, but it was a little “hit and miss” for a few months)

September 2010 – I found a FANTASTIC Doctor and she FINALLY diagnosed me with PCOS – something that I had thought I had for quite a while, but I couldn’t get a doctor to diagnose me with it. She started me on metformin, and wanted to see what me being on that for a few months would do. Her plan was to start me on Clomid in January of 2011.

In December of 2010 I traveled to see a friend who had recently had a miscarriage. She was explaining in detail what happened when she passed the baby, and it was like she was telling me my story. It was weird. I will never know 100% sure if the doctors were right or wrong, and let me tell you – that drives me NUTS, so all I can do is wonder. Maybe it was a cyst? Maybe it was a Miscarriage….only God knows for sure.

Then in January of 2011 we moved to Iowa for Brian’s job – so that meant new doctors, and well, to say the least, finding a good one was VERY difficult in Iowa.

It all began on June 29, 2012. Brian was traveling for work, and I was still recovering from my first ear surgery. I looked out our kitchen window and saw about 8 cats, 2 of them being sweet little babies. The babies were too small to be away from their momma, and I just assumed that one of the other cats was their momma. That night I went and put some tuna fish on a plate and the two babies gobbled it up within seconds. The next morning the cats were back, and hungry. So again I put some more tuna fish out and again the other cats let the babies eat it. At this point I figured someone had dropped off these babies at our house since you know, we lived on a farm and of course we needed 10 cats. For several days I put out food or scraps for the kitties, and each day more and more cats showed up. I think the most I counted was over 15. Then one morning a third baby showed up, and the next morning a forth baby showed up.

By this time my heart belonged to the first two babies which I had named “Annie and Avery” so when the other two babies arrived of course they must have names! So I named baby #3 “Addie” and let Brian name baby #4….he named it “Ah-whitie” lol… the coloring on this cat was so cute – it was all gray – except it’s face – it looked like it had gotten into flour.

A few days later I woke up to find ALL of the cats gone – nobody wanted breakfast (and by this time they would all come running when I called – they knew it was food time) So that afternoon I went looking in the barns out back and found Annie & Avery and brought them back to the house and fed them. That night all the cats came back for food. The next day it happened again, all the cats were gone, all except Annie. She had stuck around this time. I went looking for Avery, but never found her. That night none of the cats showed up and we didn’t see them again until September or October. Annie continued to stick around. So we figured that she had adopted us. Of course, I was fine with that. We never saw Avery again.

Towards the end of July we had a decision to make, we were going out of town and knew that if we left her outside a hawk would get her, so if we were going to keep her, we would need to bring her inside the house. So we did. She went right to the liter pan and knew exactly what to do, I didn’t even show her! She did fantastic that first trip we were gone, and was so happy to see us when we got home.

At first we had her sleeping in a separate room with her litter box, since she couldn’t climb the stairs very well, and our bedroom was in the basement. But eventually she was able to do the stairs like nobody’s business and was able to jump into bed with us. Since then she has taken up residence in our bed, and if our door should get shut, she will sit outside the door and cry and whine until we let her in.

When we found out that we would be moving from Iowa to Texas we decided to get her spayed and get her front claws removed. This was a hard decision for me since I had read that sometimes de-clawing a cat could make them mean – thankfully it didn’t change Annies personality one bit.

This picture was taken while she was taking it easy after surgery. She also loves that ugly little toy she’s holding….we call it her baby.

Like I said earlier, the other cats ended up coming back in the fall – Annie LOVED to watch them out the window, but wanted NOTHING to do with them.

I had wished that I could catch this cat – the markings on her/him were SO beautiful – but sadly it was too scared of me.

This next picture was taken while the movers were packing our belongings. She had a hard time with them being in the house and was scared to death most of the time. She was ok as long as she was sitting on my lap or nearby.

During the move to Texas she was a trooper in the car. We found that she HATED her carrier with a passion. So I ended up getting her a harness and a leash and during the drive I hooked her up to the back seat, but she could just get far enough in the car to lay by the gear shift and my leg – and then she was fine, and would sleep the entire time.

When we got to our current home (a rental) we didn’t have any of our furniture – she loved it. She ran from room to room exploring. And of course she LOVED helping us to unpack!

With a new home we gave her a new litter box – the toilet in our guest bathroom. We bought a large bowl and pushed it down into the toilet and filled it with litter – again, she picked it up right away – I got excited. Well with the Christmas holidays and friends & family visiting us we went back to the litter box. But after our lasts guests left in March we ended up buying the “Litter Kwitter” system. They say your cat can be toilet trained in 8 weeks. Well it’s taking a little longer for Annie, but she’s getting it. Last night she officially went into the TOILET WATER for the first time. I couldn’t have been more proud! Hopefully by the end of the summer we will be done with litter for good!

Annie isn’t one of those cats that curls up on your lap or next to you – she is much more independent, and sometimes acts like a dog. She plays fetch, and loves any mouse that has catnip in it. She hasn’t found a bag or a box that she hasn’t fallen in love with.

And for some weird reason she loves her “daddy’s” Slippers and shoes….eww….

She also loves hiding in the couch….

She REALLY loves her tree that “daddy” built her

Just recently she’s been attacking bugs. She caught a fly the other day and ended up eating it….eww… but last night she ended up catching one of those HUGE mosquitoes and held it down until I came and killed it – so maybe she’ll be good for something!

I feel like sometimes she has eased the pain a little bit of not having a baby in my arms. she is such a good little companion for me. She really does follow me from room to room all day long. Even to the point of sitting on the edge of the tub while I shower. I know that God sent those kitties now – he knew how much I really needed a baby to take care of.

Last week was National Infertility Awareness Week, and while I have never blogged about our baby journey I felt it was time for me to do so. So here goes nothing! (There is some TMI in this post, if you’re offended easily, stop reading now )

I had already known that we might have some problems getting pregnant because it runs in the family….I know I know….I’m the second of 11 children….but I was also a Clomid baby. My mom had problems getting pregnant with the first 3 of her children, the rest just came “naturally” to her.

So our journey started in January 2009. We had been married just around 7 months and had been talking a little bit about “starting” to try and get pregnant. We hadn’t stopped using protection at this point, and talked about officially starting around our 1 year anniversary. So on that Friday afternoon I thought that I was just starting a monthly cycle, put my feminine products on and didn’t think anything of it. Brian and I snuggled up on the couch and watched a movie. At the end of the movie I stood up to go get ready for bed and I felt a huge “gush”. I ended up bleeding through all of my feminine products and even on the couch. I went and cleaned up, still not thinking anything different. We went to bed, and I ended up having to change out tampons and pads every 15-20 minutes that night. I could tell I was weak and it was taking all my strength to get in and out of bed and off the toilet. About 4 am I went in the bathroom to again change everything and ended up passing a gray tissue that was about 4-5 inches long by 2-3 inches wide. I wish I had enough sense about me at the time to have kept it and have it looked at. But I didn’t, I ended up flushing it and headed back to bed. FINALLY I was able to sleep for a few hours and the bleeding slowed down. Brian had to go to work the next morning, but I could tell he was worried and wanted to take me to the hospital. I woke up about 7:30 that next morning and made it to the bathroom to change again, and noticed the bleeding had slowed down quite a bit, I was pasty white, I’m talking scary white. I ended up sitting on the couch for most of the morning and called Brian’s mom to see if she could drive me down to Brian’s work so he could take me to the hospital. We planned for her to pick me up closer to noon. The bleeding ended up stopping all together around 11 a.m. but because I was so weak I felt it would still be good to go get checked out.

We got to the hospital and they did a vaginal ultrasound and said that it must have just been a cyst that burst, but they really had no clue. They sent me home and wanted me to check in with my OBGYN for a followup. No pregnancy test was taken, nothing was done except that ultrasound.

It took me a few days to feel back to “normal” And I really didn’t think anything more about it.