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Our little miracles...

Monday, July 23, 2012

Saying that the weekend was rough is a complete understatement. As soon as we went to the doctor and I told him I was feeling better, my morning sickness (more likel all-day sickness for me) kicked in like crazy. I don't think I kept anything down on Sunday... yuck! It is so weird how it comes out of nowhere. I feel great one moment, get really hungry, eat something little, feel good for awhile... and then a sudden desire to throw up... and then great again?!? UGH!

We had our ultrasound last Friday at 11w1d. We had our initial OB appointment with one of the midwives that works in the clinic. It seemed a little pointless since my pregnancy is almost a third over and she was giving me all the dos and don'ts of pregnancy?!?! A little late, but we were kind of in a different situation than most. Most women have that appointment when they go in to confirm pregnancy, but we weren't seeing an OB at that point. They gave us a box full of information (it was in a mini cardboard file box with dividers and everything... totally up my alley!) about anything and everything we need to know. I guess it is really time to start thinking about taking some prenatal classes! They even had information about prenatal fitness classes at the wellness center that are solely for pregnant women. I would LOVE to go, but I do wish I had someone to go with. Maybe I'll start once I'm feeling better. After we met with the midwife, we went onto our ultrasound appointment with our doctor. We had the same ultrasound tech as last time... she is so awesome! She takes her time telling us what we are looking at tries really hard to get good pictures! Everything looked great so far!!

Here are some pictures of the little.....................

This picture shows both of the babies. It is of Baby B's head and Baby A's rump. You can see Baby A's arm sticking out to the left!

This is a 4D image of both babies cuddling. It took her a long time to get a picture of both babies. It is actually upside down. Baby B is actually on the left in this picture and is really head down with it's back facing up. It does have it's hands by it's face! Baby A looks like it is head down, but is really head up. It also has it's hands by it's face.

Here are some pictures of Baby A. It was hilarious to watch because it was so active! It would jump around and was moving it hands around. So amazing to see!

The bottom of Baby A's little foot!

Baby A was posing for various pictures! You can see Baby B way off to the right of the picture... it's head is at the bottom and feet are by Baby A's head.

Here are some pics of Baby B. It was much less photogenic and more stubborn than Baby A! The whole time the ultrasound tech was looking at both babies, Baby B was moving a bunch, but turned around every time the tech went to tack a picutre! She had a tough time getting any good pics. So much like it's dad already!!! Here is a picture of the back of Baby B!

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We waited about 10 minutes for the doctor came in and when he did his check, Baby B had flipped around. We got to see some good pictures of it, but as soon as the tech went to take pictures the little one decided to start turning! Stinker! You can see babies head at the top, but it is hiding it's face behind it's arms!

Here is a side view of Baby B... as it was trying to turn away!

The doctor said that everything looked great! We got to see 4 arms, 4 legs, 2 hemispheres in each babies brain and lots and lots of movement. I am going to have a very busy belly in a couple weeks... I can't wait! The doctor was great... I like him more and more every time I see him. We technically didn't do the first trimester screen because I have read that the blood results aren't very accurrate in a multiples pregnancy. The u/s tech did measure the space on the back of the neck and said that it was definitely in the normal range! That was all I needed to know. Both babies measured 11w4d... Baby A's heartbeat was 168bpm and B's was 167bpm. It is very likely that we have two babies of the same sex in there?!?!

We have our next appointment in 3 weeks. We will be 14w1d!! They said it is VERY likely that we will be able to find out the sex at that appointment! So excited!

I have officially grown out of the majority of my tops now. I decided to get a couple materity tops. I was able to find some really cute tops and some t-shirts that should be pretty versatile. I got starving at the mall and had a little treat.... then I barely made it home before I lost it all!! Hopefully that part will be over in just a couple weeks!

Friday, July 20, 2012

We had our 11wk ultrasound today... everybody is doing amazing!! However, I feel horrible and just got done throwing up. I wanted to post all of our pictures tonight, but I need to just go to bed! So glad I have the summers off and can just be a complete pile.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I have been strugglin over the past week with all day morning sickness. On Saturday, I threw up 5 times before 3pm. I have had such a horrible gag reflex that I haven't been able to eat much in terms of super healthy foods. Of course, I've been doing my best, but I haven't been able to even smell meat or vegetables for way too long. Over the weekend, i tried a combination of U isom and B6 at night and then B6 in the morning. It really did relieve my nausea in Sunday, but it was back in full force in Monday. I called the doctor on Monday and they called me a prescription for 4mg of Zofran that I can take 3 times/day as needed. I took one last night at dinner and I woke up feeling great! Took another mid-morning and I have felt awesome all day! I went to lunch with my mom and I was able to order... and eat... a salad!! I had to take off the onions, but it felt so awesome to finally eat something green and healthy! It was the first day that I felt really, really good. I was able to do some laundry and get out of the house. Yay!! Hopefully we are on the upswing and it will just keep getting better!

We have our next appointment on Friday and I am so excited t see the little peanuts again. The weeks are flying by and I can't believe we are already almost 11 weeks! I wanted to start taking belly photos at the beginning of each week, but I just haven't felt up to it. I could barely get out of bed to shower! I'll take one with the start of the net week... There is definitely a bump!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

So I wasn't feeling well tonight, as usual, so I went to bed early. I tried to fall asleep, but I just couldn't... I kept getting the urge to throw up. It got overwhelming, so I ran into the bathroom and threw up. It is crazy how much saliva you have when you are sick and pregnant. I threw up and...oops! I yelled at my hubby, "E come here... I'm having some problems". He came in and asked what was going on and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but every time I threw up I was also wetting my pants on the floor!!! OMG... I was still throwing up, peeing my pants, crying and laughing at the same time... Seriously?! I went to look at the floor and then missed the toilet and instead got my shirt and leg?! It was a train wreck! My hubby got me a towel, but he was laughing hysterically and saying, "WOW! Pregnancy is such a beautiful thing! I can just see the glow!"

Biggest symptom: EXHAUSTION. I can't see to get myself off the couch to do anything. I start something, like the laundry, and I eventually find myself sprawled out in the floor in a complete daze. I am totally worthless right now! I still have a long list of stuff that I was supposed to get done before school tarts again in the fall. Only a month left, so hopefully this exhaustion ends before I have to try to go back to work! I guess I got my wish... Nothing to do this summer but incubate! What a perfect way to spend my months off!

I received the fetal doppler heart monitor in the mail today!! It took me a several minutes,but I was definitely able to find at least one of the babies' heartbeats! I think I found them both, but they are so close and small right now that I'm not positive! What a beautiful sound...

My hubby and I had a date afternoon on Sunday. We saw the movie "What To Expect When You Are Expecting"... It was hilarious and so truthful! We had a good laugh and it was refreshing to know that we weren't the only people experiencing all f these ups and downs!!

We ate at Granite City because I was craving some spinach and artichoke dip. We split that and a salad. We narrowly made it home before I threw it all up?!? That was a first! My hubby made a stuffed pepper tonight and the smell of his dinner did the same thing tonight... I lost my own dinner. Seems a little backwords, but nights are the worst for me. 8pm rolls around and I am exhausted, emotional and apparently very SE sitive to smells that make me throw up... Yuck! I wonder if I will ever be able to eat cooked vegetables again?!

We are in the midst of debating whether or not to have our First Trimester Screen next week. It is a screening for Downs Syndrome, Trisomy 18, and other chromosomal and genetic defects. It is only a screen and gives you either a positive or a negative result. It is a non-invasive procedure and is done using ultrasound and bloodwork. I have known several people who have gotten positives, worried for several weeks, gotten an amniocentesis (which carries a risk of miscarriage) and then the results come back normal. Seems like a lot of worry and stress for no reason! Ugh. I think we are leaning towards canceling it. We will still have an ultrasound at the appointment... We get one every 3-4 weeks since we are considered high-risk and are carrying twins. We wouldn't do anything about it if either came back positive, so we will find out in time during later ultrasounds if something is really wrong. I just do NOT need anything else to worry about!!

Friday, July 6, 2012

Biggest news of the day was my first maternity clothing purchase... Jeans and capris! I just can't believe that I can't fit into any of my pants already. I have a long ways to go...I can only imagine what is to come. They are actually very comfortable, so I'm glad I caved!

We went up to the lake last Friday and just got home last night, so I've been a bit off the grid. It has been in the 90s all week and the car said 106 degrees today?!? That is way too hot forts pregnant lady! I tried to stay cool all weekend. We sat in the shade with our feet in the kiddie pool. I had my first complete hormonal meltdown. We were all getting ready for a 4th of July picnic and I went outside to watch the kids shoot off a couple fireworks. I must've gotten overheated because I felt a dire need to et back in the house. I snapped at my mom because I was so hot, went in my room, slammed the door, stripped off all my clothes, sprawled out in front of the fan and bawled. I got myself together and put on some capris and a tank top (not the coolest thing, but I was refusing to go to the picnic at this point). I went out into the kitchen and saw my parents and my hubby... I lost it. My mom asked what was wrong and I started uncontrollably sobbing and just said over and over... " I am so sick of being F@#*ing hot!". It was ridiculous and everyone tried to console me, but also started laughing. I started doing something in between sobbing and laughing. It was ridiculous. I put on a cooler dress, my 5 year old nephew filled up a big bucket of cold water for me to put my feet in and I enjoyed the picnic. That night, we watched the best firework show we've seen in a long time. We realized that it was our last 4th of July before the little ones arrive. Next year willbe completely different... can't wait!

I've been feeling pretty good. I am absolutely STARVING in the mornings, but eating makes me feel much better. Nights are my worst... I completely shut down at about 8pm. I'm nauseous, exhausted and emotional. I'm typically try to head to bed at that time so I can sleep through it. My hubby has been awesome...he knows just how to cheer me up and understands that I'm simply hormonal and not losing it. I'm starting to be able to eat more meat, which is a relief because I need the protein. However, the vegetables are not getting any easier... onions especially. My hubby was making some grilled veggies tonight and he jokingly started eating some onions in front of me... Taunting me. I couldn't handle it and puked! He felt horrible and onions are now banned from the house! I typically love the smell of my house, but it stinks like vegetables... all the time! I'm loving fruit, so I went to the grocery store and bought some awesome pre-cut and washed fruit... much easier for me to eat that way. I have no energy, so the easier the access, the more likely I am to actually eat it! I've been trying to eat healthy, but at this point I simply have to eat what sounds good and makes me feel good. I'm just doing the best I can. I feel fat, but I'm pretty sure it is just the beginning of that!

I ordered a doppler fetal heart monitor yesterday. My sister has one and loved being able to find the baby's heartbeat. It should arrive in the mail sometime next week, and I am so anxious to try it out! We don't go back to the doctor until July 20, so it will be awesome to hear their heartbeats while we wait for that appointment! It will befit the experiment.

Hubby andi have a date day planned for Sunday...can't wait! We have to get as many of these in as possible in the next 7 months!

Thursday, June 28, 2012

We had our second ultrasound today, but the first with our new high-risk OB. We got to the office and I was so nervous. I didn't know how the appointment was going to go and didn't know what to expect from the ultrasound. We did the typical question and answer with the new nurses and then were taken back to the ultrasound room. We waited about 5 loooong minutes for the ultrasound tech to come in and she dove right in.....

Her first order of business was to get oriented and locate all 3 sacs. From the very beginning, Babies A and B were very large and Baby C seemed smaller than last week. I knew in my heart, I knew that we had lost Baby C... another angel baby watching over us... never in our arms, but forever in our hearts! In that moment, I felt a conflict of emotions - sadness and relief. The u/s tech tried to get a good image to measure Baby C and get its heartbeat. It was tiny, we could no longer see a fetal pole, and there was no longer any blood flow. We took our moment and then realized that Baby C wasn't healthy. God made our tough decision for us... he must have a different plan.

So..... TWINS! We are now officially pregnant with twins. Two healthy little babies!!

Here they are..................

If you compare this to last weeks u/s, she labeled the babies opposite this week. Every technician is different and apparently it depends on how they present themselves.

Baby A (was Baby B last week).........

Baby B (was Baby A last week)..........

We heard the heartbeats today... I cried. It was beautiful!

After the u/s, we waited way too long to talk to our new doctor, but apparently things are moving very slowly as they transition to the new electronic medical records. The doctor was nice. He has a very dry sense of humor, which my hubby LOVED. I think they will get along just great! My hubby says he reminds him of the chinese doctor on the movie "Knocked Up" (which, ironically, is on E! right now!). He did an abdominal ultasound just to take one more look at Baby C. He confirmed what we already knew, and asked us, "So... are you ready for twins?"... my hubby replied, "More ready for twins than triplets!" We had a laugh! He talked with us about staying with them throughout the entire pregnancy. Since we are carrying twins, we have the option to see a regular OB and just see him at certain points in the cycle. I don't have a regular OB/GYN since I had to change hospitals with my new job, so I haven't established a relationship with another doctor. I feel more comfortable continuing with him all the way through delivery since he is used to monitoring pregnancies with multiple babies!

He talked with us about our next appointment. We go back in three weeks... we will be 11 weeks along. At this appointment is when they do the first trimester screen. They do bloodwork and 4D ultrasounds! If anything else, I am sooo excited for the 4D ultrasound scans! The First Trimester Screen screens for down syndrome, trisomy 18 and heart defects. It is covered by insurance, so we are going to do the screening. We aren't at risk, but it hopefully will give us a piece of mind that everyone is completely healthy! Another 3 weeks to wait..........

After the appointment, I called my favorite nurse with my RE's office to give her an update. She was so relieved to hear that everything worked its way out so we could have the best chance for healthy babies at the end of this pregnancy. She agreed that the First Trimester Screen is a great screening tool and it does give some great information. I love her!! She told me to stop in after our appointment in 3 weeks and show them all our u/s pics... they have sadly become like family! I guess, they tried as hard as we did.... the nurses in that office invest so much of themselves in their patients. I will miss them!

Both babies have strong heartbeats and are growing like champs! We are so blessed. It feels weird to be relieved that we are having twins. Most people would be freaked out, but we are ecstatic! We are both so happy that everything worked out in a way that will be the healthiest for me and the babies.

After seeing the babies today, we are starting to feel comfortable sharing our news with more of our extended family. At this point, everyone would know if something happened with the pregnancy, so we might as well let them share in the excitement! Not sure how we are going to fill them in on the news, but I'll be sure to blog all about it!

I can't believe this is FINALLY happening for us..... just when I had given up......

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

First of all... I want to thank all of you who commented on my last post and showed your support. Your kind words and supportive comments touched me more deeply than you will ever know. I appreciate you all.........

7w5d..........

It has been a week since our first ultrasound and our world was completely flipped upside down! After our ultrasound last week, my hubby left with my dad for a week long fishing trip and I went up to our lake cabin with my mom to get some much needed relaxation. I think we both needed some time to let everything sink in. As a result, I haven't blogged in a week!

There isn't much to catch you up on. I have been feeling pretty good overall... much better than I could be feeling. I've been pretty nauseous in the mornings, which is usually cured with something to eat. However, I've also been really nauseous at night and don't sleep very well, which contributes to my total exhaustion. I rarely miss an afternoon nap. I have found that I am less nauseous in the evenings if I take a nap. I missed my nap a couple times and I am so tired by the time I get to go to bed that I can't sleep. I'm still having huge aversions to chunks of meat (chicken breasts, pork loin, hamburger, etc) and vegetables. I'm frustrated with that because I feel like I'm not eating as healthy as I should be. The doctors just told me to eat what makes me feel good and be sure to take my prenatals and the extra folic acid. Sadly, I've been craving toaster strudels, fruit loops, PB&J, apples, grapes, pickles, yogurt, crackers/cheese.... I guess that is what I craved today..... tomorrow could be totally different! I can only do as well as my tummy will let me!

We have our next ultrasound appointment on Thursday with our maternal-fetal medicine OB (high-risk OB). We will be 8weeks along. I am so anxious to have another ultrasound and see how everything is doing. It will be a relief to finally get to talk to the doctor about all of our questions, concerns, risks, and options. I am so nervous to hear our options and make decisions, but I know we need to do what is best for my health and the health of the entire pregnancy. I just dread that decision...

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

It took me a long time to get home and have time to post today. I've been anxious to post all day and fill you in on our ultrasound, but I had a busy day... and am exhausted. Here is the day in rewind...

I couldn't fall asleep last night. I tossed and turned and was nauseous all night long. I think I might have slept about 3 hours total. Morning came and I was able to wake up, shower and get myself together. My hubby and I drove to the doctor's office and my heart was beating out of my chest. He just kept reassuring me that everything was going to be ok. After what seemed like the longest car ride ever, we finally got to the RE's office. We checked in and I went to sit in the normal place that I sit and my hubby refused to sit there since it obviously wasn't good luck for us last time. I never knew he was so superstitious. We waited about 15 minutes for our the ultrasound tech to call us back. She took my weight, I emptied my bladder and then changed. I couldn't breathe. I just wanted to see what was in there! She told me that according to my HCG shot, we would expect to see a fetus that measures at 6w5d. I was off a day! She started the ultrasound and we saw one beautiful sac with an obvious flicker of a heartbeat. We both gasped and I started to cry. Then I asked, "How many heartbeats are there?".... she said she couldn't tell yet, but we would know shortly.

She calmly asked, "How many do you want?"...... and this image froze on the screen........... TRIPLETS??

Then she started labeling the babies, measuring size and heartbeats.... Here they are.....

Baby A is on my left side, measure 7wks and has a heartbeat at 138bpm.... Strong!

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Baby B is on my right side, measures 6w5d and has a heartbeat at 128bpm... Strong!

Baby C is at the top of the uterus, measures 6w3d and has a heartbeat at 112bpm... The weakest of the 3.

Baby C is at the very top of my uterus and is the furthest away from the transvaginal ultrasound transducer so the measurements may be a little off since it is so far away. The ultrasound went so fast that we didn't even have time to process it. We just knew that with three babies comes a lot of risks and a lot of tough decisions. Aside from that, we were beyond excited that we had some very healthy little heartbeats!

The nurse led us to a room, as we were both walking around like zombies in total shock! We had about 20 minutes to fester before we got to meet with the RE. He came in and he was speechless. Statistically, this shouldn't have been possible. Twins was always a possibility, but triplets was highly unlikely. I guess we became fertile mertile in one month. Apparently my hubby's sperm were terrified of IVF so they got busy!

The RE told us that we were being released to the high-risk fetal and maternal medicine doctor and would be monitored on a weekly basis and increased my folic acid up to 1000mcg in addition to my prenatl. He informed us of the risks of carrying a triplet pregnancy and the options of selective reduction... pros and cons of both. The tough decisions begin. When we started fertility treatments, we were aware of the possibilities and had to be ok making these impossible decisions. The nurse told me today that they have had very few successful outcomes with people who carry triplet pregnancies. They just had one deliver over the weekend at 23 weeks and they lost all 3 babies. That would be totally devastating. I absolutely could NOT handle that.

We will talk with the high-risk OB at our appointment next Thursdsay. It is possible that one of the babies could naturally miscarry in the next couple weeks. However, if it doesn't, we will be faced with the decision to selectively reduce. It is a horrible option to think about because we have tried so hard to get pregnant. and nobody wanted this more than I do. I know that the decision that is right for us will offend some people, but I have to do what will be the healthiest outcome for me and my babies. Until you are faced with these options, you can't judge. It breaks my heart. We are starting to tell the rest of our family that we are pregnant, but we aren't telling anyone but our parents about how many we have. We need to face these decisions on our own and we do not need the outside influence of people judging us.

For now, I am just going to enjoy the fact that everything went well. It is the strangest feeling to be walking around with three little beans in my belly!

My hubby left after our appointment to go on his yearly week long fishing trip to Montana. I think it will be a good release for him to let everything sink in. My dad is heading out tomorrow with some other guys to meet up with my hubby. While they are gone, I'm heading up to the lake tomorrow to spend the rest of the week and weekend with my mom just relaxing and napping. I see now why I am so extremely tired!

Monday, June 18, 2012

We only have hours left until our first ultrasounds and time seems to be crawling!! I absolutely cannot wait any longer. My emotions fluctuate from excited to nervous to anxious. I'm dying to know why is going on inside of me. I just pray that everything looks great and we can see the little flicker of a heartbeat tomorrow.

My hubby got his first Father's Day present yesterday... A gun safe! What a lucky guy?!?! He's a big hunter, so we have lots of guns around the house. We need to get all the guns somewhere safe before sprout comes along!!! I think I surprised him with this gift. He had a huge smile on his face when I wished him a happy Father's day. He was so proud. Can't wait to celebrate next year with our little one!

I am exhausted and emotionally drained from all the worrying. I have been feeling nauseous for the past several days and have a huge aversion to vegetables and chunks of meat. I just have NOT been feeling well... It is all worth it. I am glad to be feeling pregnant.... I just NEED to see the little one tomorrow.

Well... I can't wait to check in tomorrow and write about the ultrasound and post some pics. I just need to go to bed so I can wake up tomorrow.....

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

I spent the day today with my mom having lunch downtown, going to some cute boutiques and then antiquing around town and some nearby towns. I have been feeling pretty good over the past couple days. There is only one word for how I feel today"......... EXHAUSTED!!!!!

This is a short post because I can't stay awake.... Less than a week to go until I can see what is going on in there!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

We had our rummage today, so while it was slow and my MIL was here my mom and I decided to venture down to the rummage further down the block because they seemed to have lots of baby stuff out in the lawn. They had a Chicco car seat with 2 bases for only $50.... It was a great buy and the same brand as the car seat and stroller we will eventually purchase. My mom was too slow and some other lady snatched it up.... Bummer. I was more interested in the crib they had for sale. I looked at cribs when we were pregnant the first time and I just couldn't find anything reasonably priced that I liked and that didn't look cheap. I have a black bookshelf that I am going to use in the nursery and put some baskets on the shelves for blankets, toys, diapers, etc. I don't want to do all black furniture, so I wanted to do a white distressed crib, dresser/changing table and rocker. all the cribs I found that didn't look totally cheap were $400-500. They had a crib that was solid wood and originally cost about $400 new and they were selling it for $140! It is really sturdy, but is pretty beat up after using it with 2 kids. I wouldn't have even thought about buying it because it is in pretty rough shape, but I know a guy who refinishes furniture. He said it would be easy to refinish with a white distressed finish and he'd only ask $100 to do it... So I will pretty much have a brand-new crib when he's done with it! Now I need to find a dresser/changing table. I would love to find a used matching dresser so he could refinish that at the same time, but that might be a bit difficult. I think I am going to go antiquing next week to see if I could find a unique dresser and have him refinish it with the same finish and then get some cool knobs. This should be a fun adventure!!

I was so excited to purchase the crib, but it made me very nervous to plan ahead that far... I have a huge fear of jinxing it. It felt surreal to be purchasing a crib for a baby that I haven't even seen yet. I do feel so much calmer and at ease during this pregnancy, so I hope that is a great sign!

After I purchased the crib, I thought to myself, "What if there is more than one little sprout in my tummy..... I'd need another crib?!". Hmmmmm.......

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I called the nurses at the RE's office today because they wanted me to check in after a couple days on the Miralax to make sure that it was relieving my discomfort. luckily, it does seem to be working and each day I am feeling a little hit more comfortable. Apparently, my bowel is probably distended, which is causing me to look like I already have a baby bump... She said that you literally have a "poop baby" at this point. Nice!! We also talked about my very high progesterone and she said there isn't anything to worry about with having extra progesterone. You can't have too much. She did fill me in on the fact that the progesterone suppositories do not get into the bloodstream, so all of the progesterone in my blood is naturally produced. It is common to see levels this high when multiple follicles are released. Nothing to worry about! I asked her how many she thought were in there from my labs and she said it is hard to tell, but twins are a definite possibility, but it isn't likely that there are more that 2 little ones growing in there... Phew!

When you get an HCG trigger shot, they base how far along you are based on when you got the shot as opposed to your last menstrual period. So, I am officially 4w5d along and will be 6w4d at my first ultrasound appt. Today is one day closer to getting to meet the little sprout/s that is/are growing inside of me. I can't wait to know how many sprouts are in there and have a peace of mind that everyone is doing just fine!

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

I haven't posted in a couple days.... Every time I want to post I am exhausted and fall asleep!! Things have been going a bit better. I called the RE's office on Friday and talked to them about how uncomfortable my belly has been. They are having me take Miralax 1x/day to help keep things moving. They said it would take a couple days before I started feeling better and I really am feeling less full and gassy. My abdominal muscles are still pretty sore and I already look like I am 4 months pregnant... There isn't really a reason why my stomach should be sticking out! I am still wanting to keep this pregnancy a secret from most people, but my belly makes that a little hard. I try to suck it in, but it doesn't go anywhere and my abs are too sore... Ha!! My hubby is afraid that I'm eventually going to get as big as Jessica Simpson at this rate! I had to go out and buy some stretchy black pants since I already can't button any of my pants. I found some comfy ones at Gap, so at least I can wear some of the super cute shirts I have with them and then I have a bunch of dresses that will work for quite awhile. I'm going to have to wash often, but I think I should be set for awhile. I'm not going to lie... The extended belly so early makes me a bit nervous that there are multiple babies in there! I did some reading on the internet and there are lots of women who complain of the same thing, but were only pregnant with a singleton.. They were all similar in height and weight to me, so it must have something to do with the lack of space in our bellies. At least I know it is common!

I am having a rummage sale this week to get rid of stuff we no longer need and to make some extra room for the baby! I still had the baby's room cleaned out from our last pregnancy, so that was one less room to clean out. We usually have a pretty good turn out to the rummage, so it makes for a little extra cash and should make this week pass a little faster. The rummage starts tomorrow and I'm nowhere close to ready. I usually have everything set up and marked a cople days prior to opening, but I just don't have the energy to do it. My hubby helped me set-up all ofthe tables and get all of the totes down from storage and into the garage. Now I just have to set it out and mark it... I'd prefer to sleep!! Hopefully we get rid of a lot of it!

I can't believe we still have to wait 2 weeks from today before seeing the little sprout/s for the first time... An even longer 2ww! The anxiety is killing me!

Friday, June 1, 2012

My hubby and family had been asking me what the heck I was going to do all summer and if I was going to get a summer job. I decided today that I did... I am an incubator. My job this summer is to relax, be healthy and grow this little sprout into a baby! What an unexpected and perfect way to spend the summer!

I am still feeling very gassy, but I'm feeling a bit better today. I can't wait for the day when I am done with these progesterone suppositories. I spent yesterday cleaning my closets and the cleaning lady came today. She only charges $10/hour, so I get my entire house cleaned for $35.... I don't feel up to cleaning and I hate to be around all of the chemicals. I decided to get some breakfast and am now lounging on the couch at my parents' house while they are at the lake. I might head out to some of the cute little shops around town and maybe to the mall. My hubby wants to go golfing later, so I'm going to join him and ride in the cart. A nice little Friday!

We were finally able to tell my hubby's mom our news yesterday. She knows a lot of what we have been going through, so she was waiting to find out how the month worked out. We went out to lunch with her and my hubby just asked her if she would be ready to baby-sit next February! She was sooo excited! It has been so nice to be able to give everyone good news for once! I will probably end up telling my hubby's cousin because we are very close and she has been the only other person on his side of the family that I have told about all of our struggles.... I know she is dying to find out how last cycle turned out... She's already been fishing around. I want to wait until after we hear a heartbeat before we tell anyone else in our immediate family. Ideally, I would like to wait until we made it to 12 weeks, but I know that is a bit impossible! We will just have to tell when the time is right!!

Thursday, May 31, 2012

I went in this morning to get my HCG levels check again. They want them to double every 48 hours. Hmy labs this week have been...

Tuesday's HCG = 244
Thursday's HCG = 636

Yay!! Things are looking so awesome! The HCG more than doubled... It almost tripled!! It is such a good sign that little Sprout is growing. With the very high progesterone and the big increase in my HCG, it makes me wonder if there is more than one little Sprout in there?! Wen the nurse was reading through my chart in the phone, she read the HCG level and then said, "oh, you had a lot of little follies... Hmmm!" I love the nurse and we had a laugh. She said not to read too much into the numbers. My hubby is a little afraid we are going to have a litter... I think he would be relieved if there as only one or two in there! I just want one little one, but I would be ecstatic with twins. We scheduled our first gestational u/s on June 19. I will be 6weeks/4days. We would've been due on June 18 with the angel baby I miscarried in November. I know that it will be an emotional week, so I hope it will bring us something to celebrate!! It is absolutely crazy to think back on all of the ups and downs throughout the last 9 months... Ugh. I am so happy that we are finally getting some good news. I am doing my best to stay positive, but I am very nervous! I guess that is normal and the beginning of all the worrying I will do throughout Sprout's life.

I am still not feeling well. I am so full of gas... It just sits in a bubble under my rib cage. It feels like I gorged myself at an all you can eat buffet and now I am bloated and need to burp... But I can't. I have tried prunes, prune juice, fiber cereal, fiber bars, etc. When I walk, I can feel it bubbling. I also have very sore abdominal muscles - like I have done a bunch of sit-ups... Which I didn't! I asked the nurse on Tuesday about the abdominal muscle soreness and the bloating, gas, constipation... All normal! If it is this uncomfortable again tomorrow, I'm going to have to call and talk to someone about it to see what they suggest. I know pregnancy isn't always comfortable, but there has to be something I can take to relieve it. I am loving every minute of being pregnant, and am so absolutely thrilled. I would be in pain like this for 9months if I had to!

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I woke up this morning still in utter agony from the constipation and gas. I talked with the nurse and she said to increase my intake of water and fiber.... ugh. I need something better than that! I went in today to have my first of two blood draws and to pick up my increased dose of progesterone suppositories (now 50mg). I got the results of my blood test back...

The nurse called and was totally sympathetic with the pain and constipation I've been experiencing. She said that my progesterone is extremely high, which would cause extreme issues with constipation, bloating and gas. My body is likely producing enough progesterone on its own and then we are adding in the progesterone suppositories. I can only imagine what is going to happen now that I have a double dose of progesterone. She said that the doctor will talk with me about it when we have the first ultrasound, but to continue taking it for now. If the constipation and gas gets too bad, then I need to give them a call and they would consider doing an enema... YIKES!!!

Everything looks fabulous so far. I go in for another blood test on Thursday to check HCG again. They would expect it to double in the next 48 hours.

I can't believe I was out of town and couldn't get this posted sooner! I last updated on Friday, 10dpo while I was on my way to northern Minnesota for a family vacation. So, here is the weekend in review.........

Sunday, May 27 - 11dpo.......... My hubby and I stayed in the bunk house above the garage, and the bathroom was in the main house. My bladder was out of control and I tried my hardest to hold it. I woke up two times in the middle of the night and had to walk out in the middle of the rain to go back to the house to go to the bathroom. After waking up so many times in the night, I decided to cave and take a test. I peed on the FRER test stick, but only one line appeared. Last time, both lines appeared at the same time, so I set it aside and washed my hands. I picked up the stick to put it in my toiletry bag (to hide it so nobody else knew that I was testing) and I noticed that there were now 2 lines!!!!! A BFP... FINALLY! I think I almost fainted. I sat back down on the toilet and stared at it for about 5 minutes before I could get myself together to leave the bathroom. I stuck the stick in the waistband of my pants so I could take it back up to the bunk house where my hubby was still sleeping. I left the house quickly so that everyone who was already up wouldn't talk to me. I wouldn't have been able to hide my look of surprise! My hubby was still sleeping, so I laid it on the pillow and asked him what time he thought the stores opened in town so we could go back and buy all the cute baby stuff! He stared at it for a long time before he said anything. He kind of went into panic mode and started asking how positive a positive is and talking about how nervous he is to get his hopes up. We are both so cautious about getting too excited, but I think that is only natural after all that we have been through. We laid there for a little while and talked before we got up for the day. He wanted me to take another test just for good measure. After a couple hours of holding it, I retested with a FRER and an internet cheapie... both were positive! The internet cheapie was very light, but the line was there! It was official, and my hubby was convinced. We decided we were going to share our news with my family right away since we were all on vacation together... we just needed to find the right time. Everyone started asking the plans for the day, and my hubby said that he wanted to go back into town to go to a sporting goods store and so did my dad... I was thrilled! I think my hubby was only wanting to go so that I could buy the things I wanted! What a sweetheart! I got to go look at all the baby stuff again and this time I actually had a reason! We went to Reed's first and then my mom and I went to one of the cute little boutiques. I bought one thing for decorating a nursery... I had to play it off to my mom that I didn't know if I should buy it! Here it is...

Then we went to the next store - my favorite!! They had such amazing stuff. Most of which I couldn't buy because it wasn't gender neutral, but I so badly wanted a couple things to hang on the wall and a cool maternity book. I couldn't get myself to buy them in front of my parents without giving it away. My dad then promised that he would drive back up to the store to buy them whenever we got pregnant (that's over a 4 hour drive)!! Hmmm... I'll take him up on that one!! We left the store and went to buy some candy and taffy, hit up a couple more stores and then headed back to the cabin. The guys went golfing and the women did some fishing with the kids and I painted my sister's nails. When the guys came back, we sat out by the bonfire... it took awhile for everyone to sit down at the same time. My hubby then announced to my dad that he was going to have to go back to town if he was going to keep his promise to me. Everyone was in such absolute disbelief! It was a total 180 from the IVF talk! My mom and dad were speechless. My mom stared at me in disbelief and my dad got teary eyed... he couldn't even talk. My sister and her husband were so happy for us! Out of nowhere, my nephew and my mom brought down a brown bag. I opened it up and there were all of the things I wanted from the store! My dad had already gone and bought them while we were at the candy shop! I couldn't believe how sneaky they are. It was such an awesome gesture that they went out of there way to be sure to get those special gifts!

We spent the rest of the night boating, eating and celebrating! It is so crazy, I had dreamed of this day for so many months... it is finally happening!

Throughout the day, I started getting some weird abdominal pain... like constipation and gas. UGH! The progesterone suppositories are known for causing both because progesterone slows down your digestive track. I didn't get any constipation from the suppositories last month, but apparrently it had greatly increased!

We went to bed that night with a huge weight lifted off our shoulders. I woke up three times Sunday night as well.... and so it begins!

Monday, May 28 - 12dpo.......... I woke up in the morning and took another couple tests.... not sure why, but it made me feel good! I guess I wanted to know if the internet cheapies really worked. I got a stron positive on the FRER. The other test strip turned positive, but it took a little longer and wasn't as dark. The constipation and gas pain was still there and was getting worse and more annoying. I knew I needed to increase my fiber and fluid intak, but that wasn't giving me the relief I wanted! We cleaned up the cabin, packed up and headed back home. The car ride wasn't bad, we stopped often to go to the bathroo, but we made it!!

Saturday, May 26, 2012

What a roller coaster of a day. It was a chilly day, so we took a drive into a quaint little lake town that had some super cute shops. The first boutique had some fabulous decorations, but the little baby section caught my eye. I think I stood there for over an hour. The had some artwork that had some of the best sayings and I just stood there and cried... Totally embarrassing! There were decorations and clothes, blankets and a picture frame that said "TWICE BLESSED".... Maybe that was a sign?!?! I couldn't control my emotions... PMS or PG??? If i am PG, it is probably a good thing that i didn't know for sure because I think I would've bought out the entire store ! I have just felt very odd today. On top of all the emotions, my boobs are still so sore, but what I have noticed the most today is the complete exhaustion and my stomach feels like I have butterflies flying around inside. I'm not nauseous, but food just doesn't sound good. Almost a constant nervous feeling. I'm dying to test, but I know that it is probably still too early. We're having a great time, but the days can't go fast enough!

We spent the rest of the day going to all the little shops and then we came back and went fishing for awhile. Now we are getting ready for dinner and then some card playing! Wish I could join everyone else and have a couple glasses of wine. Who knows... I might be abstaining for no reason at all!!

My sister is convinced that I'm pregnant, but I can't even think abut it. I keep talking about the next cycle. She asked if I will be less disappointed if I don't get my hopes up... This is so true. I just can't even see a glimmer of hope until I see the 2 pink lines. I will believe it when I see it!!

Friday, May 25, 2012

We are in the middle of our rode trip to northern Minnesota...talk about a trip with the Griswold's!! There are 4 adults, a 5 year old, a yorkie-poo and all our stuff packed tightly into our SUV. It is ridiculous how much stuff we have... We even have a hitch hauler for my nephew's bike and the overflow luggage. The guys sacrificed their stuff and strapped their bags to the back of the vehicle... We are crossing our fingers they are still there when we stop!!

The ride is going fine... We just stopped to eat lunch and nothing sounded good. My stomach has been feeling kind of queasy the whole ride and I am exhausted and emotional. I'm trying not to read into it too much because I sometimes feel like I can talk myself into thinking I'm pregnant.

This 2ww business is so cruel... There is a ton riding on this cycle. It signals the end of any hopes of conceiving without any major interventions and the beginning of our IVF journey and making babies in a petri dish! Such a weird concept!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

I made it to the halfway point... Phew. This 2ww is so long, but I'm actually feeling cautiously optimistic about this cycle. Could this really be the month for our BFP??

The rest of the 2ww should go pretty fast. I've been spending the past couple days up at the lake with my parents and my nephew. I'm heading back tomorrow to pick up my hubby and then we are heading back up here tomorrow night. We leave on Friday morning to head up to my brother-in-law's dad's cabin in northern Minnesota for the weekend. By the time we get back on Monday night, I should know the fate of this month. I could start testing as early as CD10 on Saturday, but I hate to see that BFN. Monday will be CD12, which is usually the day AF decides to show up. I didn't bring any tests and I didn't bring anything for AF, so hopefully she stays away!! I am refusing to test this month until CD14... We'll see how that works!

Monday, May 21, 2012

I haven't posted for a couple days because we've been up at the lake cabin with my family. My sister was home from Minneapolis with her husband and my two nephews (5 and almost 2 years old). We didn't do much, just spent some time visiting and catching up on what's going on in life! It was nice to get away for the weekend and to get to spend some time with family. It made the first several days of the 2ww go pretty fast.

I started the first official week of my summer vacation and it is AWESOME!! I'm trying to enjoy this first weeks off before I dive into the list of projects we want to get done. Today I made some returns, stopped by the mall and picked up a Cinn-a-bon (I have no idea why), brought it home and had some orange juice, ate my cinnamon roll and watched a movie! It was so relaxing... My hubby called and let me know he had a tee time, so we spent the afternoon on the golf course! I loved it... it was so much fun to spend some time together not focusing on TTC and just laughing.

My nephew is staying with my parents for the week, so I'm heading up to the lake tomorrow afternoon to spend a couple days with my nephew and my mom while my dad goes out of town for a couple days. I'll be heading back home on Thursday to pack some things and pick up my hubby and then we are heading back up to the lake on Thursday night so we can drive up to a lake in Minnesota to stay at a cabin with my sister and her family.... this is exactly why I don't want to get a job over the summer! I love the flexibility and there is always something to do!! The good thing is that all of this traveling is going to help pass this 2ww a little faster... I hope!

I've been having quite a bit of light menstrual-like cramping.... of course I fantasize that it is implantation. I just can't help but wonder what the heck is going on in there?!?!?

Friday, May 18, 2012

Today was a day... not a good day, not a bad day... just a day. It is crazy to think that I only ovualted 2 days ago. At this rate, my 2ww is going to seem like an eternity! My abdomen is still a bit tender and bloated from ovualtion. Ovulation started on Wednesday night, which caused BDing to be the most incredibly painful thing I have ever experienced on Wednesday and Thursday! It felt like my ovaries, uterus and cervix were so sensitive and a little bruised. We made it through, but it was NOT fun. I called the nurse today to see if this was normal and she said that unfortunately it is normal when having multiple follicles rupture. I guess this is what happens with you have a whole litter of follicles waiting to rupture! I wonder how many eggs were actually released?? It is strange to think that there could be a total miracle happening in my uterus right now!! Wouldn't that be just an amazing surprise??

I have one good friend who I have been sharing my TTC journey with because she was also TTC. I got a text from her today announcing that she is expecting and due in December.... totalyl crushed. I was sitting in the waiting room at the dermatologist and I almost lost it. I so badly want to be happy for her, but I can't. Every time I hear of another person who gets pregnant or has a baby it feels like someone punched me in my stomach. My heart literally breaks. It might be selfish and it might be a bit of a pity party, but I can only take so much of other people's good news! I am ready for some... seriously... why can't something work out for us? I know that life isn't fair, but this is just cruel.

I am trying to stay positive for this cycle. I have such a good feeling that we must have caught one of those eggs that was released!! I also have a sense of calm because we have a plan for what comes next. It is scary to think that we have come to this decision, but it is what is best for us in this journey.

Will anything good come out of this cycle??? Crossing my fingers and toes that a little miracle is at work.....

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Well... Ovulation with multiple follicles and enlarged ovaries is crazy painful! I've been having some pretty significant cramping for the past hour and it is right in time for ovulation... Almost exactly 36 hours after the HCG trigger shot that I got yesterday morning. I am having some painful cramping in my ovaries and lots of lower back pain. Sometimes the pain on my ovaries is pretty sharp. We were instructed to BD the night of the trigger (last night), tonight and tomorrow night. This was a little different than last months schedule so hopefully that will do the trick! We BDed tonight and I think we timed it perfectly. I wanted to BD right before ovulation occurred, and I think I started ovulating shortly after...crossing my fingers the timing was right!!

It was the last day of school today (for teachers), so I am officially done with work for the summer! This is my first summer off in 6 year because I previously worked for a school that was year round. I'm debating whether or not to get a part time job... It would be nice to have a little extra cash, but I'm hoping to be very busy next summer with a new baby (I'm apparently optimistic today), so it would be awesome to relax and enjoy the time off. I have lots on my "Honey Do" list, but I'm going to take the next week or so to just chill out and relax... So excited!!

Wonder how many ended up releasing?! I am praying that one little sperm is victorious in his journey!!!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Today is CD16. I went in for my follow-up u/s appt after 4 days of Menopur.... I have 9 follicles... YIKES!!!! It seems to be all or nothing with us. My lining thickened from 3mm to 8.9, which is great! On to the ovaries - I have 5 follicles on the right side... 17, 16, 16, 15, 15mm and 4 follicles on the left side... 14, 14, 12, 10mm. I have 3 follicles that will release eggs for sure, but it is VERY possible that my ovaries could release all 5 from the right ovary and it could happen that I release the 2 eggs from the larger follicles on the left as well. A mature follicle is anything over 18mm and they grow about 1-2mm a day. I just got my last Menopur injection last night, so she is expecting them to grow about another 2mm by tomorrow. Then, I get the HCG trigger tomorrow morning, so she is expecting that they will grow about another 2mm by the time ovualtion actually occurs.... so they could all possibly grow another 4mm prior to ovulation?!?! That would give me follicles that are 21 20, 20, 19, 19, 18, 18, 15, 14 ... That could make 7 follicles over 18mm! It scares me a bit because we are increasing our chances of multiples. Multiples seems crazy... We can't seem to get one to work... How the heck are we going to get more than one??? So, we are just going to worry about getting one egg fertilized and will have to deal with the multiples if that somehow happens! I am hoping that I release many of the egs... the more targets the better!! It is crazy how fast hope can be renewed in the current cycle. I'm feeling good about this cycle again....

I should ovulate on Wednesday evening, so I can test on the last day of this month... only 17 days left! UGH!!!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

My hubby and I have officially survived our first round of injectible meds. The menopur injections are subcutaneous injections given once a day (in the fatty area below the belly button). They do burn going in, but my hubby is getting pretty good at making a very quick poke. The anticipation is actually worse than the actual shot. The side effects of these meds are definitely more apparent than with the Femara. I have had many headaches, fatigue, nausea, lower back aches, etc. My appointment is at 9:15 tomorrow morning, and I'm anxious to see if/how things are progressing. I'm hoping that at least 4 of the little follies have FINALLY grown and are ready to go with an HCG shot tomorrow. This would be the ideal situation, but if you haven't noticed... things don't always follow the "ideal" path for us. We like to take the long way around sometimes and if it can go wrong... it will go wrong for me! The most I can ask for is slightly larger follicles. Even if they aren't ready to go, I would be thrilled if they are just getting a little bigger.

We are back to the question I asked about a week ago... how many follies will there be??

To all of you ladies along this journey with me who are feeling empty this Mother's Day... I found this and wanted to share it with you. We are all mother's of Angel Babies and deserve to be celebrated for what we have had to endure...

Can you be a Mother when your baby is not with
you?

I thought of you and closed my eyes And prayed to God today I asked,
"What makes a Mother?" And I know I heard him say A Mother has a baby
This we know is true But, God, can you be a mother When your baby's
not with you?

Yes, you can he replied With confidence in his voice I give many
women babies When they leave it is not their choice Some I send for a
lifetime And others for the day And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God I want my baby here

He took a breath and cleared his throat And then I saw a tear I
wish I could show you What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile With other children and say "We go
to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear, but My mommy
loved me so much I got to come straight here!" I feel so lucky to have a
Mom who had so much love for me I learned my lessons very quickly My
Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep On her pillow is where I lay I stroke her
hair and kiss her cheek And whisper in her ear "Mommy, Please don't be
sad today I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see, my dear sweet one, Your children are okay Your babies are
here in My home And this is where they'll stay They'll wait for you with
Me Until your lessons there are through And on the day that you come
home they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see What makes a Mother It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of Right from the very start

Today is harder than I ever expected... I am celebrating the mothers that we have in our lives and all that they have done for us, but I'm also mourning the baby that I will never get to hold or be a "real" mother to. Last year, I never dreamt that I would be spending another Mother's Day on this journey without something to celebrate... rather, the realization that this path is only getting longer, more emotional and a lot more stressful. I celebrated Mother's Day yesterday with my mom... we went golfing and ate dinner up at their lake cabin. Instead of talking about all the preparations for our baby that was supposed to be arriving in a month or about how it feels to finally be a mom, we spent it talking about HOW and IF I'm ever going to be a mother and if my hubby will ever be a father. I know it kills my parents to see us struggling so much, so I felt horrible that this was the news we had to bring them. I know that there are bigger plans for me, that this isn't the end of this journey and that I will get the opportunity to hold a baby that is all my own in my arms. It is hard to think positively when all of your hopes and dreams have already been ripped away without any warning. It is like you are always waiting for the next round of bad news.

When do we get a break... when will good things start happening for us... when will life get a little easier and more fun... when can we relax and be truly happy?

Thursday, May 10, 2012

I had my Cd12 follow-up u/s today and was completely disappointed. The follicles didn't grow and neither did my uterine lining. I still had 4 follicles at 10 - 12mm on the right (yes, they shrunk) and now many follicles at 10mm on the left (yes, they shrunk). So.... we are pretty much back at square one. I guess I could've done better than this on my own!!! In order to save the month, we spent $300 on Menopur injections and will do those for the next 4 days with a repeat u/s on Monday - CD16. So far this cycle I've had 2 extra u/s and 2 extra office visits... not covered by insurance and not cheap. I asked the doctor what he would recommend next cycle since I'm not responding well to the Femara and he said that he wouldn't recommend doing oral meds again and would recommend going strait to injectibles. Whether we wanted to do a cycle with "sexual relations" or move onto IVF was up to us... How frustrating. There are so many risks with injectibles and not doing IVF... like being the Octomom! The injectible hyper stimulate your ovaries, which is good if you are retrieving the eggs, but not so good if you ovulate them all and they all fertilize! Not to mention the expense. By the time we do a couple cycles with injectibles on top of the 2 cycles we've already done, we'll have spent almost as much as one cycle of IVF.... Not. Happy.

I absolutely adore my hubby. He has been a rock through this whole thing. I know that he feels absolutely horrible and is beyond frustrated becuase he feels like the majority of this falls on his shoulders... Ummm... Pretty sure it is my body that is failing us currently?!? I feel terrible that I can't be the entire reason. That would be easier for me because I hate that he feels that guilt. It is just so hard to understand how all of these things go wrong all at the same time. I mean really... Give a girl a break!!

We talked and cried (at least I did) a lot about it today and have decided that IVF is really our only option if we aren't successful this month. We are both completely emotionally drained and I dont want it to start effecting our relationship if we continue down this path. I am so tired of constantly thinking about having a baby, but constantly failing. I want nothing more than to be a mom and I fear that it will never happen. It does give me some relief that we now have a back-up plan. The RE told us that we have awesome chances with IVF because it overcomes the fertilization process. We will have to do IVF woth ICSI (actually injecting the sperm into the eggs) because of hubby's poor morpholgy and their difficulty fertilizing. I know that our chances are great, but I would still be afraid that something would go wrong... Because it always does.

I'm still holding out hope for this cycle.... We've just got a long ways to go.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

I had my CD10 u/s today to check the progress of my follicles and I'm having some major mixed emotions about how it went...

I have four follicles that are all 11-12mm on the rights side and three 11mm follicles on the left!!! Count that... that is 7 follicles! I was so relieved to see multiple follicles, but disappointed that none of them are mature yet. Because my last natural cycle (#12) was incredibly short, they had me come in a couple days earlier than normal in order to make sure I didn't ovualte on my own. So... for CD10, 11-12mm is ok (not great, but OK). I was told to let them mature a couple more days on their own and then to come in on CD12 for another u/s. GRRR.... Another waiting game. Hopefully 3-4 of them will continue to mature on their own. If they don't mature enough on their own, then he wants to do a couple days of injections prior to the HCG shot in order to help them mature a little further... UGH. The other issue is that my uterine lining is a little thin... DUH... I was spotting forever!! The lining should grow as the follicles continue to grow, and if it isn't thick enough on Thursday then the injectibles will help this grow as well. No matter what, this month isn't wasted... there is always a back-up plan!

Now my mind is reeling.... if we have to add injections in order to get mature follicles this month, then that means that my body isn't responding to the meds very well. If things don't end up coming around, then it is on to injectibles (similar to IVF, but not as many). Then I start questioning if this is the right path. How many cycles do we do like this before we just move on. We could do about 7-8 medicated cycles (we've already done 2) and will have spent as much as if we would've just gone through with IVF from the beginning... but we'd probably be pregnant and have our sanity intact!

I know there is a lot of good news that came from today and a lot that is just wait and see, but for some reason I'm only focused on the negatives. Why can't things just be "normal" for us?

Monday, May 7, 2012

I woke up this morning and the spotting had pretty much stopped! You have no idea what a relief that was. I thought for sure this month was wasted and something was wrong... again. I don't think I can take another setback. The past several days have been incredibly frustrating, so it was a nice relief for things to go back to "normal".

Today we had to start thinking about all of the timing again. We were instructed to BD this morning or afternoon in order to freshen the supply in case my follicles are ready for the HCG shot tomorrow. So we had to have a little lunch "date" in order to keep to the timing they have set for us! Nothing like a little SOD (sex on demand!)... ha! My u/s appointment is tomorrow at 10:45 to check the number and size of my little follies. I'm still crossing my fingers for 3... or 4!

Sunday, May 6, 2012

I have spent the entire day taking clothes off and putting them back on.... Taking them off and putting them back on... Taking them off and putting them back on...

It isn't what you think!! I am having some incredible hot flashes! I think the side effects of the Femara have hit me harder after I finished them, than while I was actually taking them. I had a headache, was exhausted, nauseous and Was either hot or cold all day long. On the upside, the spotting seems to be slowing down and will hopefully stop by tomorrow.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of the last full week of school! I am so excited that I can barely contain myself! I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do for the summer. There is a huge part of me that just wants to use the summer to regroup emotionally, relax and hopefully get knocked up!

Crossing my fingers for no more spotting tomorrow... This has been a total pain in my butt.

I had a horrible night last night... Ugh. I took my last dose of the Femara yesterday morning. I still had some dark brown spotting yesterday, which I was hoping would go away after I stopped the Femara. I was up all night last night with hot flashes, crazy dreams and some pretty significant abdominal cramping. I woke up this morning and the cramping was gone, but the dark brown spotting had turned into a dark brownish/purplish (brown/red mixed) light flow. Over the past couple days the spotting has also been accompanied with some clots or what appears to be uterine lining?! I know that it is old blood and lining since it is so dark in color. There isn't any bright red spotting indicating new blood. I have done some researching online and have found other people who have reported having similar concerns and their doctors were not concerned. Apparently, Femara creates a very thick and fluffy lining and sometimes tends to get rid of extra old lining. Hmmm... I am so anxious to call the RE tomorrow and see if this is normal. I'm a bit concerned that the increase in dose from 5.0 to 7.5mg of Femara caused my ovaries to mature the follicles and ovulate naturally VERY early. The cramping last night felt a lot like ovulation cramps, but I know that my ovaries are also very stimulated and who knows what I'm feeling! I can only pray that as the day goes on and the Femara gets out of my system, that the spotting will stop!

We have to BD tomorrow in preparation for the HCG trigger shot and that could get very uncomfortable and messy! Why can't we just have a nice and normal cycle?! I am so sick of this TTC crap and nothing every going as planned. GRRRR... why can't my husband just sneeze and knock me up?? Seems to work for most other people!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

I'm sitting here in bed tossing and turning because I'm completely exhausted but can NOT sleep! It is the craziest thing! I noticed an increase in irritability today, but nothing drastic. I am just so tired that I daydream about taking a nap all day long.

I can't even express how thrilled I am that it is Friday tomorrow... Only 8 days of school left before summer officially begins! The school year went fast, but these last several weeks have drug on and on. We don't have any huge plans for the weekend... We are going to plant our garden and watch the Kentucky Derby. It will be the first time in 5 years that we aren't going to have our annual Derby Party... We have a very large group of friends that we have known since high school (most since ekementary school!!) We are at a rough spot with all of our friends. We have 3 friends who are pregnant and due around our previous due date.. Of course they are all PG with their second child. So aside from the PG couples, the rest of them have new babies or toddlers and I just can't handle it. There is one other couple that is TTC and we see each other on a pretty consistent basis. However, I am not in a spot where I can handle listening to all the baby and kid talk. I know I will be the same way whenever we get pregnant, but I just can't even stand the thought of it. I am so incredibly happy for them, but I'm starting to get just a little bit bitter. Not to mention the fact that I am on so many fertility meds and hormones that I'm not having anything to drink and tear up at the sight of a pregnant woman!

I am so excited that tomorrow is Friday, but even more so for my acupuncture appointment tomorrow after school... I am in desperate need for some relaxation. I always sleep so well the couple nights after acupuncture, so hopefully that will counteract these side effects. My housekeeper is coming tomorrow as well... Nothing like some relaxation and a clean house to start a weekend!!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

I'm on the second day of the Femara and the only side effect that I've really noticed is how extremely tired it makes me - my hubby is very thankful that I'm still very pleasant! I take it right away in the morning and by afternoon, I can barely keep my eyes open while I'm trying to do therapy with my students. I even daydreamed about where I could take a nap today! I couldn't get home and change into my pajamas fast enough, and I've now taken up residence on the couch and sleeping is sounding so inviting...

On Wednesdays, several speech therapists get together over lunch to touch base and collaborate. One of the therapists is currently on maternity leave and brought her absolutely adorable daughter. She is one of my favorite coworkers, and even though I usually I can't look at pregnant women or new babies, it was so healing to hold her little one. It reminded me of why we are on this journey and that the end prize is absolutely priceless! As I held her today, I couldn't help but think of our little one that I am supposed to be carrying. We were supposed to be due June 18... it is quickly approaching and thinking about it makes me feel completely empty. This journey was supposed to be almost over... the baby clothes would be already be bought and washed and the nursery would be decorated. Instead, we are back at the beginning of yet another cycle...

I'm thinking positively and visualizing the success of this month... aside from taking all the medications and BDing... it is all I can do!

I'm still coming to terms with the disappointment with another failed cycle. My hubby and I went out for a margarita today... just because we can!

I had my baseline u/s today... 15 follicles in each ovary this month. They increased my dose of femara to 7.5mg/day, so I can only imagine how this is going to go! I've apologized to my hubby in advance. They have me scheduled for my follow-up u/s next Tuesday on CD10 to measure the mature follicles. We are crossing our fingers for more than one mature follicle this month... and crossing them hard =) Then we will do the HCG trigger shot when the follicles (hopefully) are mature, time intercourse and then come the awesome progesterone suppositories. As I'm typing this, I can't believe all of the stuff I'm putting myself through.

I talked with the RE's PA, nurse and patient representative today about our options if these cycles continue to fail. I got the financial info on IUI and IVF procedures so we know the various options. Since morphology is our biggest barrier, our chances with IUI are about the same as what we are doing now with medicated cycles and timed intercourse. There are plenty of little swimmers getting there, but it is kind of like a square peg in a round hole... it just doesn't fit. The nurse and I died laughing at the visualization of them all just trying to fertilize the egg... tails wagging and frantically trying to get in! That must be so frustrating and disappointing for them!! HA!! Anyway, after looking at the financials, we have decided that IVF would probably be the next step. I'm such a planner, so just knowing that we have another option is very calming. I am very optimistic that we will be able to get pregnant solely doing medicated cycles. It might take us a couple tries, but I think this will work. I just don't want to try so long and have so many failed cycles that it starts to do irrepairable damage to our relationship. I'm glad summer is right around the corner and I have more flexibility with my schedule so so we can spend long weekends at the lake, go golfing, take road trips, etc... bring some fun and life back into our relationship so we don't lose ourselves along this journey. We love each other so much and we know this will happen for us someday soon.

I start the Femara tomorrow, so I'll keep you all posted on how amazing I start to feel =)

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Well not really, but I think you get the gist. A BIG FAT NEGATIVE!!! Talk about total disappointment. To make matters worse, it looks like AF has arrived... which totally takes away the hope that my blood test would come back positive. However, I'm a bit confused, because I didn't think I was supposed to get AF while still on the progesterone!? It is enough at this point to warrant a light tampon, so I guess this is CD1 of Cycle #14.... which means that even on the progesterone, I only had a 12 day luteal phase.... sufficient, but interesting! I guess it is back to the RE's office tomorrow for a routine blood test and hopefully they can do the baseline u/s all at the same time. We talked about increasing the Femara this month to hopefully get more than one mature follicle to increase our chances....

I told my hubby and I had a good cry. He keeps his feelings very bottled up, but they kind of exploded. He got all frustrated and started talking about the fact that we were going to have to spend all of our savings to ever make this happen. He went on about how much it hurts him to see me going through all this because he feels very responsible. He would rather go broke than continue to see me go through all of this for the next 6 months. He is sad that I've had to change.... he doesn't think I'm not as carefree and happy as I used to be and that makes him sad... me too! I, of course, become the optimist. I explained to him that the medicated cycles increase our chances, but it isn't a guarantee that we will get pregnant the first month we are on them. Next month we will make some adjustments and hopefully that will make all the difference! He thought that it if it didn't work this month then it wasn't ever going to work... ha! He was much relieved after I told him that we can do this for several months before having to move onto anything more extreme.

I think part of what he sees of me not being as carefree not only has to do with us struggling to get pregnant, but also my job. I absolutely love what I do, but I struggle to enjoy the environment I work in. We only have 2 weeks left before the end of the school year and I think the summer will be good for both of us. I have decided not to get a job, but to spend time doing things that I love and being stress free! We need to spend the 2ww doing things together that get our minds off what we are waiting for and I think this will be much easier in the summer.

It is weird that a BFN and AF bring sadness, but also a little relief. It is so sad that all of the hopes are gone for this month, but I do feel relieved that I no longer have to wonder and can look forward to starting the next cycle! It's crazy how soon hope is restored when I start thinking about the hopes for next cycle!

So.... I'm going to have a glass of wine and a good cry because.... here we go again!!!

Saturday, April 28, 2012

I'm 12dpo today... with my pregnancy last year, I didn't test positive until AF was 3 days late! I only have one kidney, so I've been trying to figure out if this could cause the HCG to hit my urine stream late (possibly why I can't ever get a positive OPK either). Grrrrr.

So... What do I do?!?!? I so badly want to test, but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm terrified of seeing a BFN (even if it is a false negative because it is too early)... until I see that BFN, there is still hope. My hubby is absolutely conviced that this is the month. My head is telling me I'm not so I shouldn't get my hopes up, but my heart is telling me that I am absolutely pregnant... talk about confusing! I've never actually argued with myself. Before the miscarriage in November, I feel like I was handling the 2ww a lot better. AF arrived and we began the next cycle. Now it feels like all of my hopes and dreams are hanging on each HPT and each BFN is a step farther away from these dreams and a step closer to extreme measures. This journeyis starting to run my lives and I'm beginning to get very bitter and sad.....

As you can probably tell, today has been a very tough day. I'm extremely emotional today, which is totally messing with my head. I've been angry, sad and started crying just watching TV. My poor hubby... Now, it would all be justified if I knew I was going crazy because I was pregnant, but instead I feel like I'm just plain crazy! I'm still feeling all the same symptoms as before, but now I've also been getting waves of nausea.... is this all in my head??? I've been searching all over the internet and all I can find is that the progesterone suppositories basically make you feel pregnant... are you serious?!? Yeah, cuz this is exactly what women who are struggling TTC need during the 2ww. UGH!

Friday, April 27, 2012

So I went back and looked at the notes I took after talking to the RE at the beginning of the month. He said that I could start testing on Monday with a HPT, and then come in for a blood test at 15dpo to either confirm BFP or prior to taking me off progesterone. The nurse said I could probably test over the weekend, but might get a false negative so to keep testing until 15dpo. I'm glad I wrote that all down... I was so confused by the whole hubby going to give me a shot in the butt surprise that I blacked out everything else she told me!!

I took a nap and I feel a bit better emotionally... Hubby and I had some good laughs, which is always good for the mood. Gotta love him!! Physically, I still feel very odd. I've been on the progesterone for over a week, so it seems a little weird that the symptoms would just start now... Does that mean they are PG symptoms!?! I'm going to drive myself crazy!!

Hmmmm... I don't really know what I'm feeling today. I feel like I'm on a never ending roller coaster of emotions. I tend to be t so pessimistic towards the end of my cycles as I start to think about testing. I want to test tomorrow, but I can't stand to see the BFN. I so badly want this to be our month. It makes me so sad that this has been such a struggle for us. I have plenty of symptoms (my boobs have really started to get sore), but I have no idea if they are side effects from the progesterone or just my imagination. I'm nervous, anxious and just want to know!! I'm really emotional today and desperately want this damn 2ww to be over...

I'm sorry I don't have much to say! I'm exhausted... Both physically and emotionally. I think it is time for a little ice cream, a movie and snuggling with my hubby.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I took a HPT today and for the first time in our TTC history, I was relieved to see a BFN. The HCG from the trigger shot can remain in your body for up to 10 days. I wanted to make sure that I got a BFN before a BFP (hopefully)so I am sure that any result I get when I test is accurate.

I seem to be on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I know I'm pregnant and the next minute I feel like it will never happen! My hubby is convinced that this is our month, but he says that every month! This month I hope he's right!!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Nothing new today... I am getting very anxious to test, but I know I can't at least until the weekend. It would be ideal to wait until Monday, but I don't know if I can wait! I hate to start analyzing every symptom I think might point to being pregnant... I think you can talk yourself into anything. I am still very tired and I've started peeing a lot, especially in the middle of the night. Who knows... Could mean I'm pregnant and could mean I drank a lot of water!!

On another note... Only 15 days of school left before we are out for the summer. I decided not to get a summer job... Hopefully just an incubator!!

Saturday, April 21, 2012

I can test one week from now if I want to... April 30 is the day I'm supposed to call the RE and let them know the results, but the nurse said I could test next weekend! I promised myself I would wait until April 30, but I think I will secretly test earlier (not sure who I am keeping the secret from!)

My hubby is away hunting turkey this weekend with my dad and his brother so I spent the day shopping and going to dinner and a movie with my mom and mother-in-law. Over the past couple weeks I have actually bought some clothes for myself... first time in a year. When we started trying last year, I put off buying any new clothes because I didn't want to buy them and then get pregnant and outgrow them! I never anticipated that it would take us this long. I decided that I'm not waiting any longer and I bought some super cute clothes... It totally helps that I've lost about 10lbs since my oral surgery!! However, I can't help but stand in the dressing room and look at myself sideways while I stick out my belly and think... wouldn't this look so cute with a pregnant belly!

I stopped taking my OvaCue vaginal readings for the rest of the month. I found it difficult to time it with the suppositories and I'd insert the suppositories and then realize that I hadn't taken the reading. Since I'm supplementing with progesterone and I know that ovulation occured, the readings don't give me much additional information at this point.