Author
Topic: Try Again (Read 360 times)

Still hanging in there. Last night was tough. Still fighting cravings and the "fuck its" today, still feeling pretty down and out, although slightly less so of both, particularly for a Sunday.

Don't know if you guys are into comics or are familiar or not, but one of my favorite cartoonists is a guy called Joe Matt who I like because he's great, but incidentally, he also deals very bluntly with his porn addiction and how it impacts his relationships, friendships, and personal growth. Mind you, a lot of it was written in/takes place in the 80s and 90s, so he doesn't get into internet porn, but his compulsive relationship is the same. His book "Spent" is the focused on his porn addiction of his work, and there's a great scene of him laboriously dubbing male porn performers' faces out of his countless hours of curated porn VHS tapes. I've read the book many times, but I read it again last night for the first time since actively trying to quit, and it was interesting to see it through that lens. Anyways, highly recommended.

Very nice that you have found someone you look up to AND can also relate. I also have someone as well guy is insane he is a bodybuilder and very charismatic I remember one day he said cut porn or masturbation completely and it will do wonders imagine now this guy never had PIED he realised it for himself...! But of course every woman Ive seen him with is 10' / 10 and he approves this...

Im back on day 4 my friend and Ive had urges last night as well so I tried to sleep and forget , I could not , I posted then slept.

The depression and misery was too much for me. I had to shut it out. And I successfully did for a couple hours. The longest since probably August. It feels shitty, for sure, but I also made 24 days or progress; better than I ever have before, and that's not nothing. Picking myself up and dusting myself off and trying again.

After I read your post on day 23 I just assumed you were going straight into the cosy, cushy sweet little relapse.

I knew because it goes the same for me. Watching without M'ing? Been there, done that. Your brain tells you to just "check", just "satisfy curiosity". So you do, and I did. You just take a peak. And you tell yourself you're not proud but it's nothing serious, right? And your brain tells you.. "of course it's nothing you can peak from time to time if you don't M". So you do, and I did. And then the fucker of a brain sings a different song entirely. Suddenly all those little slips amount to one big "WELL IF YOU'VE DONE ALL THOSE ALREADY, YOU MIGHT AS WELL WHIP OUT YOUR COCK AND GO TO CRAZY TOWN!" And you do, and I did.

the lesson is this. If you don't have a year of hard mode under your belt, that small fuckups create a snowball effect RAPIDLY. Advice? Hard mode. Nothing. No watching, avoiding thoughts, no sexting, no touching your penis. It's the only thing that really works to distant your brain from a pattern it lives and dies by when you're an addict.

That's the hardest part, for me. The next few days will feel rubbish because you'll be thinking "I was on day 23 a few days ago and now I'm back to day 2". But you'll soon build momentum up.

I've got an analogy for that pre-relapse mini-slip that you mentioned before. But it's a bit long-winded. Anyhow... have you ever been at a beach where there's a stream running from inland into the sand? When I was a kid, I loved going to a beach like that. We'd spend the day building dams and changing the direction of the stream. However, we were always fighting against the force of water. And once the stream finds a small opening through the defences, it needs properly reinforcing otherwise the whole dam will collapse. The key is (a) provide some other outlet for the water so that the pressure is kept to a minimum, (b) be vigilant for signs of weakness, and (c) throw all resources into mending a tiny crack if it appears. But ideally, do (a) and (b) well so that you don't get to the point of having to repair a slip.

So anyway, in my current fight:(a) I'm trying to find other ways of occupying myself that are more edifying than porn. This took a while to get going as I felt so depressed in the first few days of my reboot. For me, my faith has been a big strength. Other people find that yoga, meditation, mindfulness and exercise are helpful. Find something that you can be satisfied in. And find other people you can share it with.(b) I have so many potential weaknesses that I find myself spinning plates trying to steer clear. (For example, I clicked on a fairly innocuous Twitter link this morning and found myself kind-of attracted to the Twitter user who'd made the post. I had to stop myself from having a scan through her pictures, though the temptation was there). I just figure that I can't afford not to stay on high alert. Also I need to second-guess myself at times when I'm particularly down or particularly happy. I can't afford not to be alert.

My hardmode looks like this:- no porn- no chat rooms- no flirting with others- no looking up people's pictures on social media- no masturbation or edging - if I wake up with MW, I stop myself from touching as soon as I'm conscious and able to compose my thoughts

Plus, for the time being, I've given up Facebook and given up posting on a particular music forum, where I was a regular.

It means my life looks a lot different from how it did previously. But if this leaves me a year down the line and porn and chat room free, it's worth the sacrifice.

Anyway, I'm sorry that this is a lot about me, but I can really relate to your story and know how difficult it is. Well done for owning the relapse and committing to starting over.

I like your post PE30 but during hard mode I don't stop myself from flirting. In fact I love doing it. I think it's healthy, I want it as a part of my life and it literally motivates me not to look at porn. It's social, you get to know a person. I like it.

I'm married so that's why I include it in mine! I agree though that for a single person it's pretty healthy. Good for self esteem and for changing your mindset away from the easy gratification of porn.