Disney Acquires US Government, Inc

The work of renowned cartoonist Gary Larson was cited as an inspiration by the quartet of filmmakers hired to write and direct the upcoming political melodrama The Dark Side. Another source was Shakespeare’s [redacted at the request of the LFHS Theatre Program], also known as “The Scottish Play.”

The following piece is a satire; all situations, characters, firms, disappointing remakes, etc that are reminiscent of denizens of the real world are complete and utter fabrications.

([Inserted at the request of The Walt Disney Company] Before beginning work on this piece, the author looked into the palantír hidden in the newsroom of The Forest Scout; immediately thereafter he began quoting passages of the Necronomicon and ranting in the Black Speech of Mordor. Hence, this work is likely compromised by the Dark Powers and should not be taken seriously.)

When a young Walt Disney first came to California and gazed out upon the endless western sea, thoughts and feelings too numerous to count flashed through his mind like the swift fire of the heavens.

There was, however, one clear outstanding emotion: disappointment. Regret. A sadness deep in the heart, like the sighing of a soft Scottish rain when it whispers down in the early morning.

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In time it became an unstoppable force; resistance became futile.”

Young Disney looked out on that boundless sea and longed to do something productive with it. He wanted to market stuffed puffin analogues to depressed flounders in the deep and sell wands to young clownfish lest they grow bored and venture beyond the dropoff. The land and the sea would become one, united by their shared love of plush toys and surround sound.

It was about equality. It was about shared value. It was about growth mindsets and positive attitudes. It was a great crusade, and those were their finest hours.

So at least said Mr Ono P. Oly, current CEO of The Walt Disney Company, in his remarks at the Jan 1 2020 ceremony where The Company formally acquired the struggling public services firm US Government, Inc for $42 USD.

In the years leading up to the acquisition, The Walt Disney Company endeavored to peacefully expand its share of the film market, purchasing Pixar Animation, Marvel Studios, Lucasfilm, and 20th Century Fox. It began to enter the news industry, gaining control of ABC, ESPN, National Geographic, and several others. In time it became an unstoppable force; resistance became futile.

But it was peaceful. In everything it did Disney only sought to promote shareholder value, social and environmental justice, creativity, the cultural growth of society as a whole, and the vigorous enforcement and expansion of copyright law. In no place did any of those pillars contradict any other in any way. Obviously.

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The Company even sent professional catnappers into customers’ homes to remove Disney DVDs and VHS tapes in accordance with section 867-5309(g)(v)(3) of the Terms and Conditions.”

Then the Sagecraft Department (headquartered in a hotel on 400 Boardwalk Road) decided that it would be a good idea to create a streaming service unifying all Disney entertainment products. The Central Committee naturally approved the brilliant plan, and in accordance with the creativity-encouraging, jobs-producing, equality-promoting, competition-facilitating provisions of the copyright laws Disney had so vigorously fought for on behalf of free people everywhere, The Company removed all its content from all other locations — every lesser streaming service, every movie theater. The Company even sent professional catnappers into customers’ homes to remove Disney DVDs and VHS tapes in accordance with section 867-5309(g)(v)(3) of the Terms and Conditions.

Malcontents, agitators, liberals, and deplorables everywhere started baselessly accusing The Company of attempting to create a monopoly, and they even burned down 350 Park Place, forcing The Company to remove its hotel from 400 Boardwalk Road. There were pickets. There were accusations of electoral fraud. There were electoral frauds. Somewhere in there they impeached a mouse with abnormally large ears, a trash-cleaning robot, and the King of the Mermaids. The Supreme Leader himself was cleft in twain before he had the chance to have a half-decent plot arc.

Russell FredricksenThe Department of Justice™, Supreme Court™, and Intelligence Community™ properties of US Government, Inc will be merged with the Disney Customer Service Center to form a Complaint Department. This dog will be the head of the Department and the only staff member of the same.

But all that is in the past now. After consolidating its control over the power market, the military-industrial complex, and the logging, poaching, strip-mining, overfishing, and whaling cartels, The Walt Disney Company has at last acquired US Government, Inc.

“It’s the perfect match for our portfolio,” Mr Oly said at the ceremony. “[US Government, Inc’s] subsidiaries are brilliant IPs that have suffered from a lack of originality, artistic worth, and respect for the source material of late. The Board of Directors of The Walt Disney Company is quite certain that only Disney magic can resuscitate these programs and unlock their true potential for the enjoyment of all our shareholders.”

Mr Oly went on to elaborate that the reality shows House of Procrastinators and League of Filibusterers will be merged into one program that will air each Tuesday from 3am to 4am Eastern, available only to Disney+ Platinum Übermembers. It will be entitled The Dark Side and will center on the (mis)adventures of an as-of-yet-unnamed swamp creature with a remarkable resemblance to the monster Grendel seen in the epic poem Beowulf; the script will be written by H.P. Lovecraft, Rian Johnson, and Tommy Wiseau. (Mr Wiseau holds the distinction of writing and directing “The Room”, the best film of all time.)

Much to the chagrin of space enthusiasts everywhere, the hit mockumentary series Star Stumble will be cancelled due to budget cuts. “It’s not worth it,” Mr Oly said. “There’s far too little return on investment as far as ratings are concerned. I mean, sure, the whole moon landing thing was pretty neat, and I guess the advancement of human understanding of the universe is nice, but what’s the point? Exactly. There’s no point.”

Perhaps most notable, however, will be the changes to the media. Left-leaning publications such as The New York Times, Vox, and The Huffington Post will be merged into a single Disney-owned firm entitled Liberal News Corp, while FOX News, The Wall Street Journal, Breitbart, and others will be consolidated into Conservative Media Inc.All content will be family-friendly and rated G, for Government-approved.

Wall-E the Wandering Trash RobotThe CEO of US Government, Inc was encountered in a burning kaffeehaus on the streets of Washington, D.C. shortly after the ceremony. When pressed for comment, he said “this is fine,” as shown in this Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph.

It remains to be seen what lasting effects these developments will have on the future of American society and the evolutionary worth of the human species; as only 99.95% of scientists agree that they will be disastrous in all possible ways, it is impossible to draw a conclusive verdict.

For now, though, The Forest Scout shall continue to report the news. To our readers, we say only this: good night, good luck, and Happy New Year.