Today I am sick. Currently I'm recovering from a day of not being able to stand up, much less blog. I spent the day in pain and discomfort picturing little microorganisms in my stomach. When I did need to get somewhere I moaned my way there. Luckily I'm recovering faster than my wife, who had it first. My wife spent the better part of two days with worse conditions. I decided to be a good husband and stay home those two days. Luckily I decided to stay home for one last day, today. Otherwise known as the day that the roof fell in on me.

My wife caught this glorious bug from our eldest child. My eldest child probably got it from the nursery on Sunday. Which means that someone there brought it to share. Unlike Cheerios and Goldfish, viruses shouldn’t be shared. Now other children and parents that I possibly know, are enduring the same nasty flu thanks to this warm gesture of kindness. The same kindness that comes with chills, headache, upset stomach and cookie tossing joy!

In my current state I had a few moments of clarity. Moments that didn't involve writhing in unbelievable pain. During those times I thought about the post I didn’t get out today and the rather sick desire for a chili cheeseburger with garlic fries. Cleary this only furthered my nausea. Have you ever tried to reason with a flu-infected body, and make it stop thinking about chili cheeseburgers!

“Stop it! You’re killing me!!!”

“What would we get to drink?”

Mostly though I thought about tomorrow and how I hoped to be feeling better. I’ll be very happy tomorrow to be toiling away at my office, fixing problems from the last two days and sipping on a very small box drink of generic apple juice.

Tired of the same old games? Bored of concentrating on protected right hand turns or focusing on your parallel parking? Sick of having joy sucked from your heart why performing a complex three-point turn? Want to bring the fun back to the road? Wouldn’t it be nice to want to drive again? You’re in luck! I’ve discovered a new pastime that revisits the rapturous feeling the road once brought to you. I simply call it, Honk at the Elderly!

That’s right, it’s just that simple! Had a bad day? Want to get out your aggression? No problem! Are you just a prankster looking for a good time? Maybe you’re simply a vindictive jerk? Welcome! There is room for all!

So how do you play you ask? It’s simple. See an elderly person behind the wheel of a car, flail your arms and honk your horn! It’s just that easy! As you get better at this you can begin to add your own enhancements. Points for H.A.T.E. are accumulated in two ways. First is for the number of elderly piloted vehicles you honk at each day. These points are accumulated regardless of roadway offense. This is a very liberating rule, as you don’t need to wait for the elderly driver to make mistakes. Though from my personal experience if you do only honk at elderly people driving poorly, you can still amass a pretty fair number of points. Either way you will find yourself honking at Cadillac’s and Lincoln’s driving too slow, stopping at green lights and waiting for fire hydrants to cross at the crosswalk. I can honestly say I’ve never been so happy to be behind a meandering Mercury before this game. I almost get gitty inside when I realize that I’m stuck behind an elderly man riding his brakes uphill on a deserted road. I just grin, start pounding on my horn, and watch the points tick by.

The second way points are scored is by form. This is referred to as a Fancy Dan. A Fancy Dan is simply adding a flourish to your honk with either a personalized arm wave, well placed verbal slam or an acute car maneuver. A loud honk, with fists waving and then turning your car into a sideways screech is worth big time H.A.T.E. points!

Some folks might at this point be wondering if this new game might affect the feelings of the aforementioned elderly. Let me say right now that this is no concern whatsoever! You see, they don’t have a clue. How can that be you ask? Don’t they have a valid drivers license and a rear view mirror? Sure they do, but in the end while the elderly are allowed to drive they will pay not attention to you honking at them. Either they do not see or hear you or they just dismiss you as uninteresting. No one really knows what the elderly driver is thinking, but I can say that you can practice H.A.T.E. with no real repercussion from said elderly. So go out and Honk at the Elderly!

“Oh. I see. Well...you were suppose to meet me at the food court remember? I sat there for twenty minutes before I had to give up my uncomfortable plastic seat to a screaming mother and her three feral children. I’m starved, can we go get something from Heathers House of Hunan?

“Mr. Dawson? What, is Noah too casual for chatting with your best friend?”

“Please stop prattling on, I’m trying to think here.”

“Dude! What is wrong with you Mike?! Will you please tell me what is going on. I'm feeling a little confused.”

“[sigh] Fine. See the jewelry shop over there?”

“Where? ...oh yeah. So?”

“Well, apparently a diamond necklace went missing from the display case. The clerk screamed it out about half an hour ago and since then all the patrons have been asked to stay till the cops show up.”

“Why don’t they just check everyone’s pockets”

“Because you aren’t allowed to go around accusing everyone of a crime. Especially when everyone claims to be innocent. Anyway I’ve been sitting here going over it and I think I have it figured out.”

“Did you see who did it?”

“No, but I’ve been working on the possibilities.”

“I think you’ve been reading too many of those Sherlock Holmes books. Things don’t always work out the way they do in stories Mike. You know, real life can’t just be typed up and solved by a complete novice.”

“Sherlock Holmes wasn’t a novice!”

“Mike, listen to you! You sound like a nut! The guy wasn't real. It's fiction. Just because you read a couple of stories you think you can solve real crimes?”

“Sir Aurthur Conan Doyle wrote four novels and sixty short stories. Sherlock Holmes is a very complex character. I’m telling you Noah, the principles of the Sherlock Holmes stories can be applied to many modern crimes. The ideals of logic, hypothesis and deduction put forward in the books, are astounding. You should read some of them. I'll loan you a couple."

"Right now I'm not interested in anything that doesn't have a healthy portion of special sauce on it!"

"Well, he was an extremely intelligent character, who never over looked the most minute detail. Heck, I learned how to crack codes because of the story of “The Dancing Men” and then there’s the case about-”

“-I don’t care! Is this why I’m starving to death? So you can play detective?! Look, when the police get here, they will sort this out and they will not need your help to do it! Heck, I can probably do it myself!”

“Would you care to guess who the guilty party might be?”

“Yea, if it means we can go and you'll stop talking like that!"

"Once the police get here, we can go. I promise."

"Okay...uh...look at that guy on the end, with that woman. He’s probably the one, and she’s probably his accomplice! Yeah! Just look at him! He looks guilty...and she looks really upset! I bet he’s got it in his pocket and is trying to find a way to get rid of it before the police come.”

“Is that your official guess?”

“Yes.”

“Your wrong."

"How can you be so sure!?"

"First off, it'd bet that woman is his wife. See both their wedding bands?”

“Yeah...”

“Second, he’s uncomfortable because he was about to buy a set of pretty expensive earrings before his wife arrived.”

“So what?”

“Well, he was pretty surprised to see her, and if you’ll notice, her ears aren’t pierced.”

“Oh. You're right. Well...so who do think did it?”

“Ah! Look the police have arrived. I’m going to go tell them right now. I'll be right back!”

~~~

“Mike, I can’t believe you were right!”

“It was just a matter of simple logic and deduction.”

“Mike, honestly, how did you know if was the clerk? I mean he’s the one that alerted everyone else to the crime!”

“To cover himself of course. Plus there were other clues if you were looking for them.”

When my family purchased our first computer I knew very little about them. The gentleman who helped us get everything setup said an interesting thing to me.

"After many years of doing this," He stated in all earnest, "I have come to the point where I believe every computer has it's own personality."

At the time I dismissed this statement as a joke. It seemed both silly and lacked any real logic to it. After all, computers are extremely logical machines. They only do what we tell them to do. Sometimes we don't know what to tell and will augment that lack of ability with an overdose of conflicting commands or a few choice phrases directed at the inanimate object. They should not be able to comprehend these phrases. Generally it is the over clicking and incorrect commands that cause more computer issues than anything else.

Recently though, I have begun to wonder if David Smith really did have a point. It makes me think that maybe, the computers, servers, and other networking equipment in my office have some, rather severe, personality defects.

For apparently no reason yesterday a network server, tasked with delivering the office mail to the outside world, took an leave of absence. I tried to explain to it that, as a server, it was here to do my bidding and could not take a three hour break from it's duties. It responded by attempting to commit computer suicide. I then spent the better part of two hours last night trying to talk it down from the ledge.

"E-mail this! E-mail that! E-mail, E-mail, E-Mail! That's all I do! I want to try something new, maybe I could run some reports or something?"

"I'm sorry, it's no good."

"Then I'm checking out and taking the others with me! I've been talking to the Web Server and the File Server, we'll all go on strike!"

So I did what any caring network administrator would do. I pulled it's power, opened it's chassis, flushed it brains and reprogrammed it from scratch. I finished that yesterday about an hour after quitting time. With the mail server now running correctly, and on the equivalent of computer valium, I presumed that would be the last I would hear of the strike. Not so.

This morning, for no reason that I have yet identified, our Internet filter started blocking web traffic. All web traffic. It's job is to stop users from going to sites that are harmful or inappropriate. This morning it decided that google, msn, cnn and sesamestreet fit into this category. It was like a crazed cop arresting jay walkers. I tried everything to give it orders to allow these websites through it's ever closing net of enforcement. In the end I just had to ship it off the funny farm. I removed it from the network and carried it out of the server room, so it couldn't influence the others. It sits in my office doubling as a nine thousand dollar footrest until it can figure a way to properly treat it's psychosis.

I can only hope that the dissidents weren't successful in rallying others to their cause. I remember hearing somewhere that, superstitious people believe bad things come in threes. I’m not by any means superstitious. Still I'm not going to let my guard down. Until I know for sure, I will believe that for the rest of this week, the computers might at any time, resume their strike!

I just wanted to start this letter by telling you that I wish you well and hope the best for your future. It appears for the most part that this wish is unnecessary, given all your new celebrity. I understand that you are pretty young and rambunctious and I believe that it might be possible that all this praise is going to your head. I understand that high definition is something ‘pretty swell’ but let me tell you as the voice of reason, any day a new super crisp or HDTV2 technology might come and shatter all your dreams to dust.

In order to avoid this you need to equip a dense fan base. Now might be the time to reach out to other crowds of people. Currently you have a strong backing of sporting fanatics. They all seemed rather enamored with you and your pixel count, but they are sports people, and in general, you will find that they only love you for what you show them, and not who you are. Geeks are quite different. We could spend hours just reading your spec sheet or polishing your screen. Geeks would love HDTV for what it is, a technological marvel, and not just a conduit to the ballpark. Most geeks, the real ones I mean, couldn’t correctly identify a major sporting event much less want to watch one in their living room.

This sounds great you say? You would like a cultish following of geek like zombies drooling over your resolution and dusting off your shiny surfaces? Want a user who knows the difference between hierarchical modulation and vestigial sideband modulation? I’m glad you’ve seen the light, but I’m afraid nothing is free. That sort of devotion doesn’t come cheap. If the geeks of the world are going to unite under the banner of HDTV your going to have to make some changes. I'm talking about your current commercials.

I have never heard a commercial for Star Wars on HDTV, or how many more hours of gaming your eyes can stand while playing in front of an HDTV. What I have heard about is how crisp the football jerseys look, how green the grass is, and how the popcorn vendor has some kind of a skin irritation. Like any of these things matter? Who cares if you can see that some human battering ram has a blank expression on his over abused face? In the end you have to ask yourself, ‘What am I getting a clear view of?” One guy getting the ball past the other guy, dancing in a rectangle? Or grown men slapping each other on the rumpus. Why would anyone what a clear few of that? I say, scrap the sports commercials and cater to the geeks.

In the end this isn’t a difficult petition, just a little understanding and time on your part to show you care about some of your future loyal customers. Really it’s the geeks that have the dough required to make extensive HDTV purchases anyway. This is just good business. Additionally we love all the gadgets, gizmo's and toys you want to be garbed in. Please consider what I’ve said and consider changing your current conduct accordingly. If you don't, the geeks of the world might revolt. This might not sound threatening, but remember when geeks get together in large numbers, new standards and technology emerge. Maybe even something that will usurp your coveted entertainment throne.

I really enjoyed last Tuesdays post that not only exposed my geekdom, but made for a fun post to write. In this same vein if anyone would like to submit a question answered from a geeks point of view, I would welcome answering it. You may also submit it anonymously if you don't want to be relived in the same way Pastor Writebol was.

If I don't get any questions I will try and answer some SPAM I've been getting.

I understand that for the most part men have it easy. Slacks instead of nylons, jeans instead of dresses and we get to wear loafers while women wear heels. In addition to these there are many others such examples of our ease. I submit that men wear hats while women use curling irons and of course, the simple fact that on mens shirts, buttons and button holes are both on the correct sides. This leaves very little room for men to complain about certain things pertaining to our sex. Don’t fret though women, we men will always persevere! I believe I have found the exception.

Wallets. Now at this point a fair number of women will begin listing why the wallet is so much simpler than the purse. In many ways I agree with you. The purse is not the simpler of the two containers. I will begin with a quick lesson in form.

First off I think it is safe to say that not all men have an exceptional sense of style, or what goes with what. It would not be surprising then to have an less than attractive wallet. The thing is that a wallet chosen in poor taste is not in the least life threatening. Most men have one wallet and use it till it wears out. In the end it doesn’t matter if it isn’t at the height of fashion because it is only visible for a minute at a time. Additionally even if it is say, the most hideous creation of mankind, most people will not see it. So fret not if your man choses and eel skin wallet with the phrase “Papa Bear” emblazoned on it’s front. Over it’s life time you’ll only see it for a combined total of thirty minutes or so. If you even do feel very uncomfortable about, just try and remember this, it’s got money in it. Anything that dispenses the dough to pay for dinner or a movie, in the end, is always in good taste.

A purse on the other hand is always visible, under constant scrutiny from the other women. You need to pick a purse that is tasteful enough for the occasion, and different enough to garner praise from your friends. Of course most women get around this by owning a myriad of said travel containers. This means that not only do you have to pick the right purse for the right outing your also need to pack it with everything you might need. Plus you have to recall which purse you brought so that when you leave the party you take the correct purse. The purse picking at the end of any get together is always of great time of entertainment for me. Men do not put their wallets in a pile at the front door and I cannot recall a time when I mistook another mans wallet as my own.

The second difference is one of form. A mans wallet is a finite space. Be it bi-fold or tri-fold it could only hold a certain number of articles. A man has to choose which credit cards, identifications, pictures and association slips he is going to carry with him. He cannot have everything. Many men have over stocked their wallet and then tried to casually carry this pregnant bulge in their back pocket unnoticed. It’s like keeping an elephant up your sleeve, when all is said and done, it’s just not worth the hassle.

Women, on the other hand, seem to have an infinite amount of room in their purse. It seems like they always have everything a body could want. That is, if the purse itself can be located. I have known women who at a moments notice could pull from their purse such necessary paraphernalia as a proof of ID, credit cards, checkbook, pen, pencil, marker, lipstick, gloves, address book, aspirin, sun glasses, reading glasses, scarf or a spare tourniquet. The trade off for such handy access to these items is extra back strain and poor posture from trying to keep it on your shoulder.

So how is it that I can claim that the wallet is so much worse than the purse? Simply this. Has anyone ever tried to get your wallet out of your pocket in the car, while navigating a curve with your seatbelt on, in time to have your money ready for the worker at the drive thru window?

This is not an innate life skill. It takes years of practice not to run up on the curb, smash into the car in front of you, or scatter the contents of your wallet on the floor as you free it from its holding place. For those that have never been through this, I can tell you, it’s a horrible experience when not executed perfectly. I have nearly torn off my pants pocket or lost my wallet into the ‘in between’ of the front seats. The stress alone is worth a visit to the psychiatrists office. I believe this maneuver outweighs all others and I submit as near the worst experience any suburbanite can endure.

“Look Ponera, this is crazy. Am I the only that sees that? What do we hope to accomplish here?”

“We are scouting for Messor. Our missing scout..”

"And you don't think that's odd? Even when you say it like that?"

"No."

“But we are the forth expedition to go looking for him. Doesn't that seem...well, silly?”

“We don’t leave our scouts behind Atta.”

“Well, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I’m very patriotic, and I know my duty. You know, all for queen and country, so don't take this wrong. It’s just that it seems a little strange to me to send out four expeditions for one lost scout.”

“We also need to find food.”

“I know, but when do we decide that this isn’t the best place to find it. You know we could go another way.”

“We follow the same path as the other scouts. It’s the way it works Atta! We’ve always done it like this and I see no reason why we should change it now. I want to hear no more about the subject! Lets review the ground we’ve covered.”

“Fine. We came through the same tunnel that we know Messor, and the other scouting parties started through. From there we circled the the lake where we discovered why scouting party number one never come back... ”

“Daceton deserved better.”

“...then we continued on the path, climbing the white cliff face and discovered the resting place of scouting party number three. On the precipice, near the crystal formation.”

“Yes, that was unfortunate."

"Unfortunate!?"

"Both Lasius and Ection did their duty. Just like we should. I don’t have to remind you that if a scouting party doesn’t find food soon we’re going to be in trouble. I mean we only have provisions for another week or so. Continue.”

"Okay. Then the path lead us to scouting party number two. They were both dead on that expansive tundra.”

“Right. Which means all other parties are accounted for. All except Messor that is. Which means he must still be ahead. ”

“Is that all you have to say Ponera! Don't you get that need to do something!"

"We are doing something. We're following the path."

"I mean something else! We can't just follow in the other scouts foot prints anymore. Don't you see where that sort of thinking is going to lead to?"

"It will lead to Messor. Is that what you mean?"

"No Ponera, that's not what I mean! I mean If we keep sending out scouting parties, following in the footsteps of the other scouting parties it won’t matter when we run out of food! We’ll all be lost long before we starve to death!”

“What do you want to do? Go back empty handed? I can tell you right now, we will not get a warm welcome! Let's just keep moving. We’ve made it further than most of the other expeditions. Maybe our luck will hold. You don’t always have to presume the worst you know. We are two very capable-”

“-I'm just saying we need to try another way! Why is that so hard to understand? Wait...isn’t that Messor over there!"

"Where?"

"Look! Over there by the edge of that desert...”

“See! I told you. We stick to the path from previous scouts and everything will work out.”

“No Ponera, He looks like he’s in bad shape...”

WHAP!

~~~

“Gottcha! Two more Linda! I got two more!”

“Whoopie, I’m thrilled. Honestly. Can you please clean them up now?”

“No. I’m leaving their carcasses scattered all around the room to demoralize them. Let’s see... one in the dogs water bowl, two on the window sill, two on the tile entryway and now three near the cat’s litter box. I’m telling you they’re going to give up soon. Today was a huge moral defeat for them.”

“Charlie they’re not going to give up! You act like they can think and reason! Please can we just seal up the crack in the door, or call an exterminator?”

What Occam meant by this, is that if you encounter something that has multiple possibilities, the least complex is also the most likely.

To drive this point home let me give you an example. Today I saw that halfway through the morning the door to my office was missing it's core cylinder. This is the part you would normally put your key in. Near the end of the afternoon it was back. How could this have happened? I was not alarmed. I simply applied Occam's Razor to the problem, with a liberal amount of shaving cream of course.

I figured that they aren't trying to lock me out of my office. No. More likely the key cylinder fell out sometime today unnoticed by me or anyone else. It sat on the ground until someone with a good pair of running shoes happened by. Those type of shoes with the really high insoles for support. This person had just been out for a jog. This person more than likely had just stepped on some gum and, unbeknownst to them, picked up my key cylinder.

During their jog they remembered something. And came by my neighbors office who is their manager. My neighbor was not in. This person then roamed around the office looking for my neighbor who had forgotten to sign this persons vacation form. Today being the last day before they left for their vacation, they needed this signature quite badly. After an hour or so this person gave up. They resolved that there was little they could do beside weep and kick things. They then kicked the door jam in the break room and dislodged my key cylinder. They didn't hear it fall due to the little screaming voices in their heads telling them about how lonely Tahiti would be without them.

When afterwords the office shuffler happened by and accidentally shuffled my key cylinder right past a friend. The shuffler and shufflers friend then engaged in conversation for twenty minutes or so about soap and it's less practical uses. As they were about to leave, the maintenance tech happened by.

He noticed my key cylinder and due to his strong work ethic, checked every door in the office for a missing cylinder. He found mine empty and replaced it. Additionally he left a sticky note for me explaining the whole affair. As fate wold have it, just as he turned around a gust of wind blew up the note and it stuck to the back of his pants. The note was only freed as he walked out the back door. It is now sitting in the top of an oak tree where it will live out the rest of it's days quite peacefully.

This "Bizarre Question Tuesday" comes from one loyal reader in California. Jeremy Writebol For those of you that thought this 'fellow' was only concerned in reform or church history, might find this question surprising. We here at kludgespot can see true geeks a mile away.

Jeremy said...

... I just have to know what your ranking on the Star Trek movies is. There have been 10 of them - give me a list of worst to best! Please

I had no intention answering this until the 'Please'. For those of you not understanding the question let me enlighten you. This is a total geek out. Folks who don't enjoy phasers, Vulcan's or spaceships might have more fun drawing on their hands.

You've been warned so here we go. BTW Jeremy...I'll do mine Best to Worst.

1. Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country

I know that many fans would disagree with my # 1 choice claiming it to be too campy. I really don't care. Star Trek IS campy. It's a silly movie full of great lines and fine action. So it's not award worthy. Hello! You're watching Star Trek! What do you want? It's an engaging mystery with a good nod to all the crew and their various traits. This is Star Trek at it's best. A fast paced story line, solid special effects and a smattering of stars. I mean how many movies do you know that have Christopher Plummer, David Warner, Christian Slater, AND all your favorite Star Trek cast members? Just one. So it's not War and Peace but you DO get to see Christopher Plummer as a one eyed Klingon quoting Shakespeare. Really, how often can you add that to your movie review?

Additionaly there's David Warner drinking Romulan ale and chatting about Klingon politics.For laughs, I some times find myself trying to picture him in Klingon makeup at Scrooges shop! There's also a great scene where Christan Slater gets yelled at by capitan Sulu. For the trekkies we get to see three Star Trek TV regulars get their first big screen roles. Additionally It's chocked full of a thousand and one technical mistakes, story mess ups and time line issues that will keep the fan base slack jawed for years trying to explain it away. In the end it's just good fun.

Jeremy here are the rest in order of MY preference.

2. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan - Ricardo Montalbon at his best.

3. Star Trek First Contact- One bald capitan against the Borg and a former pig raiser shoots for the stars!

4. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home - Out of time spacemen in San Fransisco and the Monterey Bay Aquarium in Sausalito. Great lines, but a lot of unneeded cursing.

5. Star Trek: Generations - Kirk vs. Picard...Blah blah blah

6. Star Trek Insurrection- One crazy android and Klingon both singing HMS Pinafore in a daring action sequence. What more could you want?

7. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier - Laughing Vulcans?

8. Star Trek Nemisis - Romulus and Remus... Built Rome, AND managed to get out into space and claim a solar system!

9. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock - Christopher Llyod does Klingon. Not bad if you're into that.

10. Star Trek The Motion Picture - I've seen this a total of four times...My copy is in GREAT shape!

So there it is. Any one wishing to submit a bizarre question to be answered please shoot me an email. (see sidebar)

“Wow. I never expected Larry to go. I tell you though I don’t mind too much. He never was much of a conversationalists. ‘So Larry how are you?’ ‘Fine.’ So Larry hows Sue?’ ‘Fine.’ ‘So Larry how do you feel about a plague of locus?’ ‘Fine.’ I mean the guy was a post.”

“Still though doesn’t seem odd to you that he would just up and leave?”

“I don’t know Dan. He seemed pretty odd to me."

"But to just leave in the middle of the night?"

"You might be right. I mean I would be a little surprised if he did anything at all, much less something so spontaneous like that.”

“I agree.”

“Either way, you must admit, this place isn’t near as crowed.”

“I know that’s one of the things that worries me. I mean Larry is one of nine of our neighbors that have just up and left in the last few months. Doesn't that seem odd? Most of them left with little or no warning. Bill that's nine neighbors in less than a month.”

“Dan, I hope your not counting Harrison!”

“I know you two got on each others nerve, but yes Bill, I’m counting him. I mean I wasn’t sorry to see him leave, but still it was still pretty strange.”

“Maybe it’s been this recent weather.”

“Yeah, I guess it has been a bit erratic.”

“Think about it Dan, those heavy fogging mists at mid-morning that seemed to stick with you all day. And I don't know if it is just me but it has seemed much windier lately."

"I does feel more brisk."

"Additionally there are some days it feels like the sun never comes out at all or that it disappears halfway through the day."

"I suppose your right."

"Dan, you don’t seem convinced.”

“Well I agree with you Bill, all those things are weird. I mean I don’t remember having weather like this since I was a kid, but I wonder if maybe there’s something else.”

“Like what?”

“Well like uh, something else."

"Like what?"

"You know, some other...explanation."

"No Dan I don't have a clue! What in the world are you talking about? Do you want to play charades or something? 'two syllables...uh...sounds like nose grease.' Will you please just tell me!"

"I’m talking about the sweep Bill.”

“Nevermind. Forget I asked."

"What if it's real?"

"Dan please! I hope your not getting drawn into all the stories Tall Tale Ted has been peddling! The sweep is a rumor. A fairy tale. A hoax. Plus it's really stupid!”

“I don’t know Bill it just all fits. All these neighbors gone missing and this place getting less and less crowded. I heard tell in that this isn’t just something we're experiencing, I mean nearby districts are all reporting a certain thinning out.”

“Okay fine, things are changing. Neighbors are moving. I can admit that Dan, but the sweep. I mean you have to admit the stories are pretty ludicrous. I mean come on, do you really believe it? A gigantic black object shaped like a fence sweeping through town early in the morning and grabbing up folks up and sweeping them away. It sounds pretty wild to--”

“---AH!! Bill!! Do you see what I see! ”

“I see it Dan! It’s the sweep! Hold on!”

~~~

“Honey”

“Yes dear, what is it?”

“Another dozen hairs just came out with my comb! I think my bald spot is getting worse.”

Sometimes a good day is hard to define. It seems that while I would consider most days to have hardships, some days have more than others. Hardships come in all sizes and shapes. There are days when we feel we cannot cope with those troubles and the best thing to do is wallow in our own self pity. I started off the day in the dregs over something I didn't think anyone else could understand, or would care to.

As I sit here and stare at the devotional on my desk, I rifle through its neglected pages. I know that God has told us in Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

Despair is a temptation. So is stagnation or believing that we don't have anyone to rely on. It steals our joy and tells us there is no way to be free of it. In my heart I don't believe what despair says and know that God's grace and strength are sufficient for any troubles that we must endure. James 1:2-4 tells "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Mostly I hear this message and shut it out. It is hard to submit to that idea, because it isn't in the least pleasant and it feels better to dwell on my troubles. By doing this we are limiting the truths of God. He is here, He loves us and He has given us all we need to get through these times.

I'm not over these feelings but I will not allow them to overtake me. I trust in the God who saved my soul and I believe that He is all powerful over my life. We have been instructed that, while today might be a very hard day to get through, Gods love and mercy haven't changed. He is working daily in my life and He has a plan for me. Whatever that plan may be, I don't know but I will try not to despair over the valleys in my life. I am a child called by God, which in the end makes today a very good day.

I always feel poorly for people with really bad luck. This is primarily because I don’t think they deserve it. Luck is a term that we use to dismiss the odds of chance. As I see it, bad luck is simply thrust upon people, who haven’t done anything to warrant it.

Someone, for instance, with some dice in their hand, should roll more sevens than any other number. This is what statistics say. Statistics are hard and unbending. “Bobby will roll more sevens than any other combination.” Statistics cannot then understand how Bobby could roll forty seven times and never see a seven. This is not Bobby’s fault. This is just bad luck.

Bad luck is an affliction I have not often suffered from. That isn't to say, I’ve never had bad things happen. I have. Mostly these things are because of poor choices that I have made. My father once told me,"the majority of all accidents in life are caused by people doing stupid things."

At the time I didn’t want to hear the truth in these words. I was recovering from rolling down a rather steep hill and scraping myself up rather badly. Earlier in the day I had ignored my uncles guidance and had decided instead to follow the family pet across a dirt ledge. Amos had no trouble with the path he had blazed. He made it to the other side in record time. I on the other hand got myself wrapped up in someones fishing line and rolled down to the base of the hill. This was right by my rather stunned uncle and sister. This wasn’t bad luck. This was a stupid decision. Luck is quite different. There are two basic types of luck, good luck and bad luck.

Good luck is getting a second chance on a college paper because the day you forgot to bring it, is the same day that the professor called in sick. Good luck is being short on change and finding a quarter on the floor. This sort of thing happens to me all the time. Something for nothing. I didn’t earn it, or work for it, it just happened. As I figure it, for every person like me there has to be someone who gets stuck with an extra portion of bad luck. I mean luck cannot all be good. There must be some bad to compensate.

Bad luck is scrounging up one dollar in change and heading the the vending machine. Getting all the money in, even though you had to put the nickel through five times. Selecting the wholesome bag of veggie crisps located at the coordinates of A4 and then seeing the metal spiral unwind your snack but never seeing it fall. This is because your bag of veggie crisp have wedged themselves between the glass and ring. You shake the machine, pound on it’s front and malign it’s linage. After a while there is nothing left to do but buy another bag and hope to get them both down. You of course, have no more change, so you leave. All the while wondering how a package of veggie crisps can stay in such a precarious perch for so long.

I then walk up the same vending machine a little later to purchase a soda. It falls out, like always, and when I reach inside to grab it out, I’m greeted by an unexpected bonus! Veggie Crisps.

“I thought you’d like to know how horrible this tasted. So you could fix it next time. Tastes like you’re trying to poison me. I see you’re not eating it!”

“No, I’m eating spaghetti. You don’t like spaghetti, remember?”

“It’s got to taste better than this! Yuck! What is that?!”

“What is what Harold?”

“That sort of waxy after taste?”

“Want some more salt?”

“No. I want to know what you put it here....hey...”

“What?”

“This smells sorta lemony. I don’t recall you using lemon before...”

“It’s furniture polish”

“Excuse me?”

“Furniture polish Harold. I put furniture polish in it.”

“Susan, Why?!”

“You’re always griping that I don’t dust the tables enough and when I do dust the tables you always tell me that I don’t use enough furniture polish. Well Harold, you can be sure....I used PLENTY of furniture polish this time!”

“You really ARE trying to poison me!”

“Not trying Harold...”

“I’m going to die!”

“You’re definitely going to die. Pretty soon too I imagine.”

“Not only am I going to die, but I’ll be a freak on the local news. Like all those lunatics you always hear about! ‘Johnson County man polished off...and with a fresh lemon sent! News at 11:00.’ Why Susan? What did I do?”

“You’re killing me over pot stickers!? I’m sorry. You can get whatever kind you like from now on!”

“I’m killing you because you are a bitter old codger who will never be happy with anything I do. Additionally you’re extremely healthy and I didn’t think you would die on your own for another twenty years or so! Harold I cannot live with you for another twenty years! As for the pot stickers, you’re right, I can get whatever kind I want from now on!”

“Why not just get a divorce?”

“See another criticism! There you go again!"

"I'm sorry!"

"Harold if we did get a divorce I’d probably file the papers wrong, bring the wrong pen or drive poorly to the lawyers office! I’d rather you were dead. At least we would both be happy!”

“You think I’d be happier dead!?”

“Harold, where you’re going they don’t let you complain. And if by some off chance you are going to heaven, I’m sure there would still be something wrong! At least this way I wouldn’t have to hear about it!”

“Susan, I’m sorry! I had no idea I was making you this upset. I was only trying to help you.”

“The only thing you’ve helped me with is turning me into a nervous wreck! I try so hard to make everything perfect and you STILL find something to complain about. Can’t you be happy about anything!”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you Susan."

"Too late for 'I'm sorry' Harold."

"I know. I love you Susan. I didn't mean to make your life miserable. I guess if you were willing to bump me off you must really hate me."

"I don't hate you Harold, I love you. I just cannot take any more of your criticizing and complaining. You were not going to change and I was not going to make it. Rest in peace Harold."

"I just realized what a wonderful woman you are. Too bad I won't be around to enjoy it...but that isn’t a criticism. You’re very crafty, I didn’t know you had this in you. And...uh... your hair looks nice.”

“Stop trying to make up for a lifetime of wrongs in five minutes. Are you really sorry? Do you really mean it? Oh Harold I wish I could believe you.”

“Honestly. I love you Susan. If I was going to live, I would turn my whole life around. I would....[cough]...[cough]....”

“Oh knock it off. You’re not going to die!”

“What?! What about the furniture polish.”

“It was only a tiny bit, it wouldn’t have killed you. I just wanted to get your attention. I just wanted to shake you up and bit and have you finally see how bad you make me feel.”

“You certainly did that! Susan your more than I deserve! I will try to change Susan. I promise you."

"Thank you Harold. I actually think you will."

"Now about my stew. Are you sure just a little bit of furniture polish won’t kill me?”

For the first Thursday of the new year I figured I'd break things up a bit. Today we play Magic Eyes! Below are a number of stereograms or Magic Eye pictures. First one to decipher them all gets bragging rights! Clicking on the picture will bring up a larger image.

For those not used to viewing a sterogram move in close to the screen and let the image go blurry. Focus on one spot as though you are looking through the image into the distance. Very slowly move away from the screen, it should start to come into focus. Once you perceive the hidden image and depth, you can look around the entire 3D image. The longer you look, the clearer the illusion becomes.

I hope this letter finds you well. I’m sorry we could not get acquainted earlier but I have been busy loafing around after my celebration of the end 2006. I don’t want to sound overly expectant as I’m sure a lot of people are but I’m eager to get to know what you have in store for me. Additionally I hope you don’t take this wrong but 2006 did a lot for me, and I was a little disappointed to see it had ended.

2006 saw the birth of my second daughter, a promotion and the beginning of a new affliction called blogging. 2007 you have quite a bit to live up to. Again, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I have barely known you and you have already cost me money. That is to say, because of you, I have had to void a couple of checks with the old year in the date field. As you are no doubt aware, checks are not free! I hope you keep that in mind as you begin divvying out this years dividends!

As I look out over the new 2007 calendars I received from 2006 I don’t foresee a lot of changes. It is up to you, 2007, to make sure you are more than a few obscure Canadian holidays and a lot of bold print numbers. You need to offer more than just making sure that 29 follows 28. I know you’re just starting off now and don’t feel you have many responsibilities. People were very happy to see you a couple of days ago and they were cheering in the streets. Screaming your name and kissing their loved ones. Don’t let this go to your head.

Celebrity is very fickle. Those same people will be cursing 2007 with only a few poor decisions on your part. There will be no party hats, no noisemakers and no confetti. There will be no tiny smoked sausages in an a bubbling Crockpot or a veggie platter with ranch dip. There will only be contempt, and the worst curse a year can get, rolling off of everyone’s tongue. “2007? I recall. Now that was a very bad year.” Following 2006 will not make your job any easier. 2006 was a very good year.

I’m not writing this to frighten you. I know that you are still quite young and innocent. I know that 2006 has laid some pretty large footprints down for you, but we all expect you can fill them properly. All I’m asking for, from you is a little early thoughtfulness. With any luck 2007 could be a very good year.