(Note to men aged 18-21: If you’re a bit on the beef suety side now, this is what you’ll look like at 40. Maybe drop the Doritos and go for a jog? Just a suggestion.)

You’d expect a guy with a name like Dick Miniter to be a quiet, unassuming chap. Fortunately, he’s 100% fRightie, ergo he’s too stupid to keep his trap shut. But it all worked out. Because he was a blatant twatwaffle, we were able to indulge in lots of guilt-free mockery of his name, his politics and his parents, because what kind of assholes would do that to a kid?

You can imagine the moment of nostalgia I experienced when I read a small item that stated Tiny Penis was suing his former employer, the Washington Times. (Yeah right, like they have any money.)

In this instance, Moment of Nostalgia = Laughed So Hard the Woman Sitting Next to Me on the Train Decided She Preferred to Stand (via the Washington Post):

[Miniter] said in an interview that he “was made to feel there was no choice” but to attend the [Unification Church religious ceremony that culminated in a mass wedding] if he wanted to keep his job, and that executives “gave me examples of people whose careers at the Times had grown after they converted” to the Unification Church.

Now on the one hand, if MiniDick’s allegations are true, this is horrible.

The prohibition against employment discrimination based on factors such as religion is a natural extension of the Founding Father’s clear desire to keep the country’s level of fuckery as low as possible. Dick’s plight should serve as a reminder of what life would be like for all of us if the ChristoFascists currently shrieking about The War Against Christmas aren’t kept in check.

On the other hand, the man clearly needs a few whacks with a Clue x 4*. He works for these people, he must know they’re completely cuckoo and yet he is “angry and sad” because … they turned the cloud shouting act on him. Boo. Fucking. Hoo.

But maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe this will teach him the value of not being a complete douchenozzle and hanging out with douchnozzles.

Maybe the cats will start shitting gold nuggets.

SPOILER ALERT – If you Tivo Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and haven’t seen the latest episode – SPOILER ALERT

Next up on the fainting couch is human-shaped carcinoma and falafel fetishist, Bill O’Reilly. He’s in a bate because someone has dared to use the power of T.V. to suggest he’s a towering pile of genital warts (via Yahoo! “News”):

Sparking O’Reilly’s ire was an episode of “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit” that aired earlier in the week, in which a crazed anti-immigration activist set out to murder the children of illegal immigrants.

In defending the actions of the man who killed the immigrants’ children, Larroquette’s character says, “Limbaugh, Beck, O’Reilly, all of ’em, they are like a cancer spreading ignorance and hate…”

How dare they? Doesn’t Dick Wolf† know that only Bill is allowed to go on T.V. and say mean, horrible things about people? Why, if Wolf isn’t stopped, he or some other nasty liberal T.V. show exec., might go further and write a script in which an actor says something like … Oh, like this:

It is almost unbelievable, but the San Diego Padres scheduled a promotion for Bill O’Reilly on the same day the team gave away hats to kids. So Bill O’Reilly showed up and commingled with children.

Now “Talking Points” believes the San Diego Padres made a mistake. If you want to have a Bill O’Reilly night, don’t put a children’s promotion along with it. That’s just common sense.