Gone But Not Forgotten: Underoos

When I think about Underoos, two really bad things happen: 1. I get that stupid song in my head for three days; and 2. I flinch in pain. While others may have fond memories of this colorful licensed property-influenced underwear, I associate Underoos with getting my ass kicked.

qbn.com

Spider-Man and Wonder Woman. These kids got off easy.

I don’t know how this product was viewed in your neighborhood — maybe kids in other places wore their Underoos briefs on the outside they were so proud of them. But where I came from, Underoos were most certainly not fun to wear. I was already receiving my fair share of beatings just for showing up to my elementary school, and wearing Underoos meant more. I enjoyed this recent interview with Anthony Daniels, but his mention of the product dredged up some bad memories. Consider this my anti-tribute.

Part of the problem with Underoos was the sizing. If you wore a different Batman T-shirt to school from a clothing maker like Hanes, it was possible to look somewhat normal. But Underoos all seemed to be two sizes too small, clinging to your pre-pubescent body like you were an Abercrombie & Fitch mannequin. And because 8-year-olds basically came in two models — scrawny or saddled with 20 pounds of baby fat — absolutely nobody looked good in them. (One more problem with the product that I hesitate to even mention: Every Underoos commercial looks like it was filmed by the Gordon Jump character in that episode of “Diff’rent Strokes.”)

Underoos also had some absolutely God-awful designs. The makers of the underwear partnered with some of the dorkiest popular culture figures of the time, and then botched ones that should have been cool. Among the all-time worst (and this list could be 10 times longer) …

Let’s talk about that last one. For reasons even Daniels didn’t try to explain, the C-3PO underwear was made for girls. I’m guessing that there just weren’t enough female heroes in the DC Comics and “Star Wars” universes, so the Underoos people just tranferred the least testosterone-charged male characters to the girls side.

collider.com

They even managed to ruin Boba Fett.

I had two of the least offensive pairs of Underoos — Superman and Spiderman — and tried to wear them as infrequently as possible, sometimes putting them on as a pre-emptive strike on a weekend just to avoid wearing them to school. Punishment if one was discovered wearing Underoos at my school would range from ridicule to beatdown. One of my few vivid memories of 3rd grade involved a classmate who was running from student to student, informing everyone that he discovered in the bathroom that a less popular classmates was wearing Underoos. It was like he was rounding up a posse.

How many times was I personally punched, wedgied or chased around the playground for wearing Underoos? I can’t say for certain. Maybe only two times total. Even in 3rd grade, it’s reasonably easy to hide what kind of underwear you’re wearing. And I may have taken my underwear off on the way to school and gone commando.

But the fear of getting discovered was almost worse than the consequences. And my resentment for this underwear definitely lingers.