Monday, June 23, 2014

Leave this section blank--for employer use only.

[Wizened old man sidles up next to me at the bar and starts talking before I'm able to leave.]

I'm going to tell you what's wrong with the new generation.

[Grabs my bicep with his bony hand, which despite looking and feeling like a bird claw is surprisingly strong.]

In my day, you could trust bike racers because they cheated with integrity. They hopped a train mid-stage. They snorted some strychnine. They kicked up their feet and watched French sitcoms while enjoying a refreshing blood transfusion in the hotel during the rest day.

Froome fell ill during the race and the Sky team doctor Allen Farrell put in the TUE application to allow Froome to take 40mg of the oral corticosteroid, per day. French newspaper La Journal du Dimanche reported that the UCI medical adviser Dr Michele Zorzoli had fast-tracked the TUE application at the Tour de Romandie.

By this time I was able to extricate myself from the Ancient Mariner's claw by jabbing at it repeatedly with one of those tiny plastic cocktail swords, at which point the bartender chased him out of the establishment by hitting him with a broom. Still, the old coot had a point. Why should you be allowed to take a banned substance just because you weren't feeling well that day? Shouldn't you have to either lose or stop racing? What's the real difference between taking corticosteroid because you got sick during a race and getting a blood transfusion during the third week of the Tour because your body won't recover? Seems to me they shouldn't allow any of it, or else they need to allow all of it.

Also, I'm amazed Chris Froome can race a bike at all at this point, much less win major stage races. The guy's got a blood parasite, he needs corticosteroids mid-race, and his asthma's so bad he needs to suck on an inhaler while he's riding:

In some tropical peoples that work in wet places such as rice fields, most boys pick up Schistosoma, and start the bleeding, about puberty when they start working in the rice fields, and uneducated locals think that it is normal and refer to it as the male equivalent of female menstruation, and call it by their native language word for "menstruation".

It's worth noting that it's impossible follow pro cycling without having a deep knowledge of subjects such as hematocrit levels, the difference between autologous and homologous blood transfusions, chimeras, corticosteroids, Clenbuterol-tainted meat, and now male menstruation. To me, this is exactly what's wrong with the sport. Somehow, the rest of the world manages to sit back and watch a bunch of people kick a ball around, yet I wind up reading about children bleeding from their penises.

The video is a profile of this couple. They love each other, which is nice, and so they do stuff together, which is also nice:

(Nice.)

What kind of stuff do they do together? Well, stuff no other couple in the history of humankind has ever done together, such as eating food:

And riding bikes:

They also have what they call a unique living situation, by which I mean it's not:

"Our work situation and living situation is pretty unique. We live on one side of a duplex, and then the other side of a duplex is our office."

How is this even remotely unique? If they lived on a submarine and worked in a decommissioned nuclear silo then that might be unique, but this sounds like the typical live/work scenario that is the basis of a million Craigslist apartment ads.

And the way they go about their work is as unique as the situation in which they do that work:

"Whenever I'm working I'm starting one project and then it takes me to another project, and I'm constantly like back-and-forth and back-and-forth."

Right, because that's what working is. This is like saying, "Whenever I'm taking one mouthful, I'm chewing it and swallowing, and then I'm taking another mouthful."

You might imagine someone with such a unique approach to working has a similar approach to not working, and you'd be right:

"When I'm on my bike, it's like I get a focus on like, 'What do my legs feel like right now, how hard am I breathing right now.' I get a focus on my...self for the first time?"

So, like, you mean you're pedaling a bike and you're having fun? Yeah, us too, welcome to bikes.

It really is fascinating to watch someone discover the concept of "recreation" as they're describing it to you.

But there's more to riding bikes than having fun and not working while moving your legs. There's also weather:

"Having the sun hit your skin, like, being outdoors. The sensory experience involved in that? That's something that like our human ancestors experienced for 200,000 years and, like, a lot of times we're disconnected from that?"

It's true, we are somewhat disconnected from the sun when we're inside, I'll give him that. However, I'd also imagine that our human ancestors were similarly disconnected from the sunlight 200,000 years ago on those occasions when they retreated into their caves to hide from sabertooth tigers.

Sun isn't the only thing that amazes him, either. He's also amazed by the wind:

"When else do you think about the wind?"

An excellent question. When do you think about the wind? Well, let's see: getting dressed in the morning, walking, running, carrying an umbrella, wearing a floppy hat, wearing a skirt, wearing a necktie, sailing, swimming, flying a kite, reading a newspaper on a park bench, setting up a beach blanket... Yeah, pretty much all the time, really. In fact, wind is probably third only to precipitation and temperature as far as the atmospheric conditions that dictate your day. You wake up and you look out the window. What are you wondering? Three things: 1) Is it raining? 2) Is it cold? 3) Is it windy? Then, you get dressed accordingly, and you go to work--you know, the place where you go back-and-forth among numerous projects.

Next, they discover the concept of exhaustion:

"And then there's always a threshold. So, at what given point...are my legs at, and so, like, am I close to that threshold?"

It was at this point I realized that I was watching a documentary about two synthetic humans who have just emerged from a pod that aliens recently planted on the Earth, and whose mission is to live among us as they gather data about our planet.

But then the narrative takes a strange turn, as the Male Humanoid tells the story of his first century:

"When we get to mile 90? I mean, when we realized that we're actually 30 miles away from home? That was the darkest place I've ever been."

Wow. That was the darkest place you've ever been, really? The time you got really hungry on a bike ride and you needed a snack?

This confirmed my suspicion about the pod.

So what happened on that ill-fated century:

"I kept yawning?"

Yeah, us too.

Then he took a nap in a cornfield:

After which he woke up completely rested and restored:

From this, I conclude that before the aliens launched them from the mother ship in the pod and they simply programmed him to think that the voyage to Earth was a century ride. So it makes sense that the "century" would be the formative experience in his very short life. It also makes sense that they crashed in a cornfield, at which point they emerged from the pod and began gathering data for the imminent alien invasion:

It's all so clear to me now. They're the anti-Adam and anti-Eve and they're sowing the seeds of humanity's destruction--not that we're exactly living in an Eden as it is:

Ass hanging out peeing against a VW..possibly #2? ill find out in the morning on my way to work! :D

Drooling and could barely stand up straight struggling with your belt, zipper, etc.

Me:

Annunciating my words like telling Gary Busi a bed time story after a batch of pot brownies. (Couldn't tell if the headphones were a disguise to pester off human interaction).

I offered to call you and pay for a cab. You rudely refused (and burped up a little something).

I came back a minute later trying to do the right thing and asked if you were sure and strongly urged you to walk your bike and NOT ride your bike home.(which...im sure...you fucking rode home like an idiot).

You:

Told me 'to just chill out' and rudely waved your hand in my face.

REALLY?! really.....??? "Just Chill Out..."? I thought coming home sober on a warm sunday evening with my my family 6 feet away from my apartment is as chilled out as a person can possibly be.

I hope you veered off into East New York and are now drugged up in a cargo crate, on a ship, bobbing across the Atlantic over to Uzbekistan for a lifetime of miserable prostitution, infectious needles and poor nutrition.

I'm sure this guy was on a bike before he got into the art, or that he rode away on one after he got out: http://news.artnet.com/people/32-ton-marble-vagina-traps-us-exchange-student-46442?utm_campaign=artnetnews&utm_source=062314daily&utm_medium=email

Maaaaaan oh man! I really did miss miss my calling. Shoulda been born a boy so I could join the ranks. I can cheat without any integrity whatsoever! When you're mutarded they hand out the medical exemptions along with the drugs left, right and centre. And everyone knows more drugs = more wins.

The Crooked Helmet is awarded to the most doped-up rider. Obviously the young woman thought she was peeing in a cup for the officials. She should not be sent to Iowa unless the results indicate she qualifies for RAGBRAI.

I could have made the top 3 podium if I didn't take time to read, and then 5 minutes that I will never get back to watch that video of like, that clueless couple? They like, totes deserve each other? I hope they don't like breed or anything. We do not like.....need any more clueless people. I mean like, doing a century in Texas in the summer? You really have to think about the wind, and then I go back and forth and think like about all the projects I am currently going back and forth with at like work?

You really need a warning before such videos that say you are guaranteed to lose brain cells if you watch. I'm not usually a violent person, but I kind of wanted to punch both of them and sew their mouths shut and tie them up in the desert so they can feel all the sun and wind they like

Crosspalms is right. The angle of the helmet varies during Ragbrai. They are at thirty degrees on all families and children riding together in the front, and they are at 45 degrees in the last to arrive group.

Just on a lark, I tried to watch the video. Couldn't quite make it through all five minutes. They sure seem like nice people though. I kept wishing they'd ask me to donate money to pay for them to ride around the country.

I don't have a duplex (not allowed out here in god's country) but worked in the basement for quite awhile. Until I got rid of the last of those leeches that lived here for over 20 years. Now I'm on the first floor about 12 feet from my kitchen.

I can see an anemometer out one window so there is no problem with the wind.

Hmmm robot is blank. First time it has nothing to say. I guess I can try it. Nope. Didn't work. Guess robot was whispering.

Speaking of the wasted bike girl in the street (not really), did any other locals notice the fred/tridork who took a spill on the Brooklyn Bridge saturday afternoon?

Looked like a couple other peddlers had stopped to call in the cavalry for him down on the Brooklyn slant as I was riding up it -- and, curiously, as I was descending down into Manhattan I saw the EMTs finally strolling up from the Manhattan side...

The guy seemed somewhat alert as I rode past, but certainly quite dazed a bit. I wonder if he's pulled through alright.

Crosspalms:Hope you enjoyed Chicago's Bike to Work Week and that you didn't get a City of Chicago flag bruise.We should invite our big city coastal friends to Iowa someday for pee in the cornfields ride.

That guy was your high school english teacher...he may have seemed coherent when you passed, but he was babbling as they loaded him into van, "His name was Vernan Mangina when he sat in my class in rapid city"

Let's see... I missed my first three time trials, missed the naked Vancouver bike ride, missed the solstice crusier ride, and hoooo boy do I ever miss Wreck Beach.

Soon. Surely soon. This sling is starting to feel redundant. Till then, I am just experiencing whole new realms of boredom on a trainer. How do people DO it? OMG I would so much rather ride in the wind, rain and snow all winter long than try and sustain my fitness on a trainer.

OMG you guys, so I figured out why that video left me feeling so brain dead. It was produced by Whole Foods. No fucking joke. Dark Rye Productions "is an online magazine from Whole Foods Market® that explores the realms of food, health, sustainability, design, tech and social enterprise. Through our stories, recipes and creative projects, we hope to encourage you to jump-start your imaginations and inspire you to try something new. We’re imagining the best possible future, and we want you to join us. Get inspired. Be part of our story. Turn your dreams into something real."

Whole Foods is practically a magnet for people who actually act like those two in real life. :lightbulb turns on above head:

Snob, I think I lasted through 3 minutes of that video? So thanks for the indepth analysis? Because I couldn't take it anymore? Also, the statements followed by questionmarks provided and annoyingly accurate representation of all the uptalking going on.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure this will be the last season of Portlandia. When did they replace Fred and Carrie?

When I'm on my bike, my legs are all like up and down and up and down? But they also go, like, around and around? While, like, also going up and down? And we did what millions of people before us have done? And so that makes us unique? And Epic? Because the millions of people that have done exactly what we've done are epic too? Because their moms always told them they were, like, special? Just, like, our moms did?

Robot says 409, as in, not even 409 will get the memory of Taylor and Katie out of your head.

Snobby, you missed the chance to cover the "STORY OF THE CENTURY". I hope the you can cover it tomorrow..............

"American Student Ends Up Trapped in Giant Vagina"

A total of 22 rescue workers with special equipment were deployed to the scene in the southern Germany city of Tuebingen on Friday to free the 20-year-old but a “forceps delivery was not necessary," local newspaper Schwaebisches Tagblatt noted.

So I like, watched the video. The most annoying part is how the background rolls by not at all in relation to their own motion. It's like those 1940s movies where the characters are supposedly driving in a car but you can tell its in a studio with the background being projected. When Taylor is going on about bonking the background is moving by at about 60mph. When I bonk, it's more like 6.0 mph.

I suppose she's cute enough, but the vapid speech and vacant look would be off putting. I hope next time they lie down in a corn field they get attacked by fire ants. Then he'll both find a new dark point in his life and reconnect with his human ancestors.

Hey RCT, sorry to throw a highway flare in the window of your latest money making scheme, but just as pretty much every other Kickstarter is an unnecessary reinvention of an existing solution, your Highway Flare Holster is basically the same deal as fusee pouches used by wildland firefighters. I supposed you could suck in cashed up, and 'roided up, Gran Fondo riding road raging Freds with a carbon model, but I'm pretty sure Mike Sinyard owns a patent to something vaguely similar to that.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!