Staying Celibate On Tour, When Your Show Is Tinder Live

This story does not start out very cool, but I saw a tarot reader recently. Having only asked me what I wanted answers on, and me only answering “my love life, because what the shit is this?” she almost too quickly replied, “You’re going out of town soon, yeah?” and I said a simple, “Yes,” knowing secretly that I’m traveling soon because I’m doing a national tour with my comedy show Tinder Live! With Lane Moore. She replied, and I swear her voice got louder, “Don’t hook up with anyone on tour.” I laughed as though this was ridiculous. I’m in a different state pretty much every night, and while I have absolutely met some attractive kind humans in the audiences, what am I, PJ Harvey?

BTW: I say this not because PJ Harvey is known for hooking up with dudes (though if she is, those are the luckiest men alive), but because when we make jokes about irresistible musicians with legions of groupies, it’s always a Rolling Stones guy or something, but like, no. For me, when it comes to hot badass rock star icons it’s PJ Harvey. PJ Harvey forever.

Photo by Amy Lombard

ANYWAY, my point is, I know my show involves me going on my Tinder on a projector screen live in front of thousands of people and asking them to decide who I swipe left or right on, and a large part of touring is me getting into town and immediately going on Tinder to see what the guys in that city are like. Example: Almost everyone who lives in DC and is on Tinder is in politics. And almost everyone who lives in Portland and is on Tinder might live in the woods. So I could see how, given that, she expected me to be some super cool girl living a rock star life of leaving men in the dust across all 50 states.

But surprise! I am more of the “Well, we met after my comedy show, and he was super cute and kind and funny, so we exchanged handwritten letters for six months and then, after a series of romcom movie moments and several bouquets of wildflowers delivered to my doorstep, we decided to explore our feelings further!!! I’m so excited for him to pin me, and by this I mean I want to wear his pin, because again, this is very PG.” than an “We met backstage and I brought him back to my hotel and then sent him packing in the morning because i had a flight to catch, babe.”

Nevertheless, I shall try my hardest to heed her bizarre words of “no fucking on tour, k babe?” I will truly try to curb my urges (see: to find someone like Ben Wyatt to engage in a lifelong courtship with) while on tour. Sure, those urges weren’t overpowering to begin with, but I’m sure there’s some reason why i’m supposed to remain in saran wrap on this tour and I’ll just assume it’s a really good one, full of mysticism.

I will make you proud, tarot lady who got me all wrong. I really will.