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June 17, 2014

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(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
JONATHAN DID YOU WATCH
GAME OF THRONES THIS
WEEKEND? I TRIED WATCHING
BECAUSE I'M
GOING ON A DATE THIS
WEEKEND WITH SOMEONE WHO
CARES ABOUT DRAGONS
BUT I DIDN'T
UNDERSTAND A
WORD OF IT.
GIRL, I GOT YOU COVERED.
(GAY OF THRONES
THEME MUSIC)
SO FIRST YOU GOT JON
SNOW AND SHE'S ANGRILY
POWER STOMPING TO GO
HAVE A FAUX PEACE MEETING
WITH RILING SMASH
ANJELICA HUSTON.
SHE'S GOT TO TALK SOME
SENSE INTO HER.
(OTHER GUY): YEAH, BUT
THEN ALL THOSE TROOPS ARE
COMING IN, AND IT'S
LOOKING TO ME LIKE
OPENING CEREMONY
OLYMPICS BEIJING 2008.
(JONATHAN): OH YEAH, N-NO, NO,
THAT WAS ACTUALLY A BUNCH OF
JASON STATHAM AND HIS
HOME AND HIS HOMEGIRL
HOOKED ON PHONICS, AND
THEY WERE COMING IN TO LIKE FUCKING
PUT THE BEAT DOWN
ON SOME BITCHES.
SO THEN PAPA LANNISTER GETS SMACKED IN
THE FACE WITH A BIG OL'
DOSE OF REALITY FROM
HIS DAUGHTER BLOND CHER
WHEN HE FINDS OUT
WHAT THE D IN BROTHER
D STANDS FOR.
BUT IT STANDS FOR
BROTHER DICK.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
BUT THEN BLOND CHER
GOES TO CAST HER PUSSY
POWER OVER BROTHER D
WHICH HE TOTALLY LOVES.
HE STANDS UP, HE
THROWS HIS
ANTRHOPOLOGIE CATALOG
OFF THE SUNDIAL AND
THEN THEY MAKE LIKE THIS
PATERNAL TWIN
LIKE NAST-NAST REVENGE
LOVE ALL OVER THE PLACE.
SO THEN JON SNOW GETS
DOWN TO HER VERY OWN
PRIVATE FUNERAL, AND
SHE'S GIVING ME FULL ON
LIKE CHANEL PRINT AD
SWAN SONG, AND THEN
JON SNOW LIKE POIGNANTLY
TURNS AROUND AND HE'S
GIVING US OUR LIKE
ANGELA BASSETT IN WAITING
TO EXHALE MOMENT.
(OTHER GUY): I STILL CAN'T
REALLY TELL THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
GAME OF THRONES AND A
EVANESCENCE VIDEO.
OK IF THIS GUY IS A FULL
ON GAME OF
THRONES FAN DO NOT
SAY THAT. THEY ARE NOT
INTO LIKE WEIRD
REFERENCES OF LIKE
GAME OF THRONES TO
OTHER THINGS.
LIKE THEY'RE SUPER
HARD CORE.
OK-OK, I WON'T, I WON'T...
SO THEN MISS CLEO AND
THE SPICE GIRLS
FINALLY FIND THE TREE
BIG FISH, BUT THEN
THE FUCKING EXTRAS
FROM THE THRILLER
MUSIC VIDEO POPPED UP
FROM NO WHERE TO RUIN
THEIR DAY.
- (MICHAEL JACKSON "THRILLER" PLAYS)
- YOU KNOW IT'S THRILLER
THRILLER NIGHT
YOU'RE FIGHTING FOR
YOUR LIFE INSIDE A
KILLER THRILLER, CHILLER,
THRILLER HERE TONIGHT
SO THEN (INAUDIBLE WORD)
SAMARA COMES IN TO SAVE THE
DAY. THEY GO INTO THIS
LITTLE BABY CAVE
WHERE BABY LITTLE MISS
CLEO LIKE VIETNAM
POWER CALLED HER WAY
UP TO MR. MARLEY FROM
HOME ALONE, AND SHE
FINDS OUT THAT SHE'S
NOT GOING TO
WALK AGAIN.
(MAN): YOU'LL NEVER
WALK AGAIN.
BUT YOU WILL FLY.
(JONATHAN): SHE'S GONNA
FLY GIRL.
SO THEN TILDA HAPPENS
ON BABY KRISTEN STEWART.
SHE STARTS SHIT WITH DOG
THE BOUNTY HUNTER
AND THEN SHE GOES FULL
MIKE TYSON ON HIS ASS.
(OTHER GUY): THAT WAS
SOMETHING WE NEED TO
TALK ABOUT. KEVIN TILDA RAGE.
(JONATHAN): SO THEN DOG
THE BOUNTY HUNTER
TRIES TO GET BABY
KRISTEN STEWART TO PUT
HIM OUT OF HIS MISERY,
BY BEING A REAL
DEBBIE DOWNER.
PRETTY SISTER. I FEEL
FUCKING BLOODY.
BUT SHE MAKES LIKE PAULA
ABDUL AND LEAVES
HIM LIKE A COLD HEARTED
SNAKE TO DIE
IN THE SCOTTISH WILDERNESS GIRL.
SO THEN BROTHER D GOES
TO BUST OUT MUNCH MUNCH
FROM HIS JAIL CELL, BUT
INSTEAD OF ESCAPING
HE GOES TO TAKE A LITTLE
FAIR WELL TOUR
OF THE CASTLE WHERE HE
FINDS CAPITAL CITY
SELINA IN PAPA LANNISTER BED.
AND THEN HE STRANGLES
HER WITH HER OWN NECKLESS.
HE WENT TO JARED.
HE WENT TO JARED.
(SONG FROM THE JARED
COMMERCIALS PLAYS)
IT CAN ONLY BE JARED
FIND A JARED STORE OR SHOP
ANYTIME AT JARED.COM
SO MUNCH MUNCH FINALLY
COMES UNGLUED. HE FINDS
PAPA LANNISTER TAKING A
DEUCE AND PUTS TWO
ARROWS IN HIS ASS.
(SOUNDS OF ARROWS
BEING SHOT)
PAPA LANNISTER, ELVIS, ALL
THE KINGS DIE THE SAME WAY.
NO GIRL, SHE WAS NEVER
A KING. YOU'VE GOT TO
GET IT TOGETHER FOR
THE DATE TONIGHT.
I'M TRYING SO HARD.
THEN BABY KRISTEN STEWART'S GALLOPING ON
HER PONY. SHE'S GIVING
ME FULL SCARJO HORSE WHISPERER.
AND SHE TALKS HER WAY
ONTO THAT BOAT AND SHE'S
LIKE BITCH CALL ME
CELINE DION BECAUSE
MY HEART WILL GO ON.
OH MY GOD GIRL, I'M
SO RELIEVED THAT YOU
ARE FINALLY STARTING
TO SMELL WHAT I'M
STEPPING IN, AND YOU
ARE UNDERSTANDING
GAME OF THRONES FINALLY.
P U, I LOVE IT.
(CLUSTER OF SALON SOUNDS)
OH MY GOD GIRL, YOU
ARE GIVING ME SER LORAS
TYRELL FIERCENESS.
I WASN'T EVEN COMING
IN FOR A HAIR CUT, BUT
THANK YOU.
WHERE ARE...
MY DRAGONS.
OK FELLAS I GOTTA CLOSE UP.
GUYS I HAVE TO CLOSE UP.
(SIGH) OK.
OUT, OUT, NO OUT.
OUT.
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
MY PROBLEM IS THAT
I WILL HAVE WIND
IN MY HAIR, I WILL GIVE
SO MUCH FACE, AND
THIS IS MY HOUSE AND
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO
BE SUCH A BITCH ABOUT IT.
YOU'VE LOST YOUR
MOTHERFUCKIN' MIND.
OH, I'VE LOST MY MIND.
YOU'VE LOST YOUR
MOTHERFUCKIN' MIND.
OH, I'VE LOST MY MIND
BEHIND YOUR DESK.
WHAT THE FUCK IS
YOUR PROBLEM?
OH, WHAT THE FUCK
IS MY PROBLEM.
YOUR PROBLEM.
I LOVE YOU.
OK.
YOU WANT TO KISS.
OK. (LAUGHS)
(CHILD'S VOICE): GRANDPA
GRANDPA WAIT.
I THOUGHT THIS WAS A
STORY ABOUT A GAME OF
THRONES RECAP SHOW
WITH AN LGBT PERSPECTIVE.
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR
ABOUT KISSING.
OH, I DIDN'T KNOW MY
GRANDSON WAS HOMOPHOBIC.
CALM DOWN GRANDPA I'M 10.
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR
ABOUT ANYBODY KISSING.
DO YOU WANT TO HEAR
THE REST OF THE STORY OR NOT?
SURE, I GOT NO WHERE ELSE TO BE.
SINCE THE INVENTION OF
KISSING, THERE HAVE BEEN
NO KISS THIS PASSIONATE.
THIS FIERCE.
IT WAS IN THE THROES
OF PASSION THAT
JONATHAN WAS SURPRISED
BY A STRANGE FEELING
IN HIS STOMACH.
LIKE KOMBUCHA HAD
GONE WRONG.
JEFFREY HAD THRUSTED
HIS DAGGER INTO
JONATHAN'S STOMACH.
JONATHAN LOOKED
DOWN TO SEE HIS BLOOD
SOAKING THE SHIRT HE
HAD JUST BOUGHT.
AND IT HITS HIM.
THE LANNISTER SON NEVER
GUARDS YOU DUMB BITCH.
(GRANDPA): JEFFREY LEFT
SATISFIED THAT HE
HAD SLAIN HIS ENEMY,
BECAUSE HE WAS LATE
FOR HOT YOGA.
SER NOT QUICHE...
JONATHAN LAYED ON
THE FLOOR ALONE AND
GASPING FOR LIFE.
WHAT? WHY DID
YOU KILL JONATHAN?
HE WAS MY FAVORITE.
I DIDN'T SAY HE
WAS DEAD.
REALLY? WHAT
HAPPENS NEXT.
(LAUGHS) YOU'LL HAVE
TO WAIT TILL THE NEXT BOOK.
B-BUT I WANT TO
HEAR IT NOW.
GET OFF MY BACK.
YOU'RE GOING TO
GROW UP TO BE KING JOFFREY.
(WHINES)
IT TAKES ME TIME TO WRITE.
PAGES ARE
LONG. SOME PEOPLE
CAN'T EVEN READ THEM.
(STILL WHINING)
I CAN SEE YOUR HALO, HALO
HALO...