If you watched the 2012 London Olympics, you probably remember Olympic diver Tom Daley. He was billed as one of the British “heartthrobs” of Team GB, and Daley played his part rather well. He became a full-fledged celebrity in the UK, sort of like the Olympic version of Harry Styles. Plus, there were so many photos, videos, GIFs and Tumblrs devoted to his cute little body in his swim… trunks? Briefs? Whatever. Anyway, as a woman who is more than a decade (and a half) older than Tom, I didn’t get all fan-girly for him because my gut said “Oh, yeah… he’s gay.” It’s not a judgment, he just pinged hard on my gaydar.

Anyway, Tom came out as bisexual (not gay) earlier this week in a YouTube video which currently has more than 7 million views. Here’s the video:

It was big news, mostly in the UK, just because he’s such a Harry Styles-esque celebrity and because he’s so young and all of that. Well, there’s a new development. Tom has a boyfriend… Oscar winning screenwriter Dustin Lance Black. Black is 39. Tom is 19. Okay, THAT bothers me.

For his first boyfriend ever, Tom Daley has struck gold — Oscar gold! As rumored, the British Olympic diver, 19, is indeed dating Dustin Lance Black, the 39-year-old screenwriter and LGBT activist, multiple sources confirm to Us Weekly. (The coupling was first reported by E! News.)

“It’s true and they’re very happy,” a source close to the bronze medalist tells Us Weekly. Daley and the Oscar-winning Milk scribe have “been together since summer,” the source adds.

Daley came out as bisexual to fans via his YouTube page on Monday, Dec. 2. “My life changed massively when I met someone, and they make me feel so happy, so safe and everything just feels great,” Daley gushed. “That someone is a guy. It did take me by surprise a little bit,” he continued, though he declined to reveal Black’s identity at the time, noting, “I still fancy girls.”

Of the 20-year age gap, the Daley source tells Us, “Tom told friends he ‘doesn’t care what people think.’”

And Daley is already making the most out of his boyfriend’s writerly gifts: Another source tells Us that Black wrote the script for Daley’s coming out video.

Before everyone starts yelling… yes, this would bother me if it was a 39 year old dude dating a 19 year old girl. It would bother me if it was a 39 year old woman dating a 19 year old dude. Nineteen versus 39 is a HUGE age difference. And while I don’t doubt that Tom feels “safe” (I do doubt that he still “fancies girls”), I am side-eyeing the crap about Dustin right now.

Still, everything is legal here. And they’re, like, an international power couple now. Still… a nearly 40 year old man with a 19 year old?

Now that’s surprsing, considering that he won the bronze medal in one event, and competed in multiple of the diving events for the home team. He was featured extensively during the diving telecasts, so you must have been out getting an awful lot of snacks.

lol. Yeah…not at all a surprise. I saw him dive a few times because nothing else was on TV, and he had gay written all over him. Good for him being true to himself. All the best wishes for him. That dude he’s with looks kind of uptight. And too damn old for a 19 yo I don’t care if you are bi-, gay, or hetero. Male or female that is a huge age gap at 19.

When I first saw the thumbnail on YouTube’s front page I had no clue who this guy was (not from the UK and never watched or paid attention to the Olympics). Still, looking at his tiny visage and reading the video title, my first thought was “Oh, he’s probably coming out of the closet.”

Sure he claims to be “bisexual” and not “gay”, but the main point is: when you look at his face it’s not out of line to think “This dude cannot be straight.” How this announcement could come as a surprise to anyone is beyond me.

I agree. With him being so young (not even 20), the older person becomes more like a parent, at least emotionally. And I don’t think that’s a good dynamic to set up in what may be his 1st significant relationship. But he’s a big boy now and he’s certainly free to make his own decisions. I wish him the best.

Not to mention the fact that Tom is newly “out” and will undoubtedly be learning what it’s like to be in his first real relationship. What kind of 39 year old has the patience for that?? Further, I highly doubt that Tom will be in it for the long haul. Now that he’s embracing the peen, he’s going to see that there is a beautiful man buffet just waiting for him to sample.

Unfortunately, the age differences we see here are symptomatic of the repression and safety that one in the gay community seeks when one comes out of closet. For all intents and purposes, Tom’s sexual awareness has been stalled out all throughout his teen years. For that reason, he is only now able to mature and grow whereas his straight counterparts have been undergoing this process all throughout their youth and teenage years. This can be a very scary time in one’s life and, for that reason, it isn’t uncommon for many young gay men to seek out older guys who have been through all of this because many of the other young gay men in their 20′s are often trying to to still find themselves (as are most men in general). The maturation process of fellow young men, however, can feel less secure and unappealing to a young man who feels, at this point, very vulnerable after having just opened up this part of his life. While Tom’s choices are not exactly acceptable, they are, at the very least, understandable.

With all of the above being said, I do, however, take issue with Dustin Lance Black’s decision to allow this to happen. He, being the older, experienced, and “wiser” person, should know better than to enter into this relationship. Tom will inevitably grow and mature from this place of vulnerability. As his confidence and comfort with his own sexuality takes hold, he will begin to question the choices he made at this more vulnerable point in his life, which include this relationship. Simply put, Tom has not matured enough to know who is he; therefore, his choices today will inevitably change tomorrow. As a result, the relationship that comforts him today will give way to an independent, adult desire to be with a peer…an equal…not the security blanket that Dustin Lance Black provides right now.

this guy has been in 2 olympics, multiple international competitions, all while still in school.
his father died and he still competed, trained.
he knows who he is and what he wants

to suggest he does not “know who he is” is preposterous. his level of self awareness, the commitment needed to be a world class athlete, requires more than just diving into a pool.
if he is capable of making the choices that led him to his international success, he can surely be trusted to know himself enough to date and be in a relationship. he balances and has balanced more in his life thus far than most do their entire lives.

so he, I think, is ok.

his new BF, on the other hand, needs to date someone closer to his age. he’s made Tom into a twink for god’s sake. Twinky Tom, dlisted called him. good grief

You indicate in your comment that “to suggest he does not “know who he is” is preposterous.” Really now? He was claiming he was straight all throughout the Olympics, and, merely 3 months ago, he indicated that he only dates girls. So, you think these type of differing answers clearly suggest that he knows who he is on all fronts?? I beg to differ.

And while, yes, you indicate that his popularity, acclaim, work ethic, and athleticism are evidence of him knowing himself, they very well may be—with regard to SPORTS. His sexuality, however, and his growth in that process—-as his answers clearly indicate—reflect someone who wasn’t very sure of what he was until a few days ago.

Original Kay I’ve worked with elite athletes for years and trust me, he might know the sports world and competition inside out but that doesn’t mean he’s any better at ‘life stuff’ than the rest of us. Athletes, like regular people, still have to mature and learn how to navigate relationships and if anything the long training hours and extreme discipline required hinder more than help that process. Like regular people some will manage it, some won’t but they definitely don’t have some kind of magic key to it all because they happen to have physical talent, self discipline and a good work ethic.

There’s VERY little chance Dustin Lance Black is the boyfriend. Tom just did an interview for ITV that will air Saturday where he mentions that he made the first move on the other guy, and wasn’t even sure if the guy was gay. Unless Tom is living in a very protected cave, I find it REALLY hard to believe that he didn’t know that the guy he was hitting on gave an Oscar speech in front of a billion people talking about how he was gay AND is a MAJOR activist in the LGBT community. But frankly, I wish it WERE DLB because he lives like 2 blocks from me and I see him at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf all the time… cuz that would mean I’d be seeing Tom around town, too!

people only pay attention to the big 3 awards = the 2 acting ones, director. best film occasionally gets a look in if the producers are celebrities eg Mel Gibson or Ben affleck or QT, Spielberg, Scorcese, and way, way after that do people notice any other categories and again only if celebrity is involved.

I agree, the age difference is a little weird. I don’t care about the sexuality thing, it’s the twenty years that gets me. I wish him well on his self discovery, he has a lot to learn being nineteen. Good luck to all parties.

I never heard of his name before (maybe I did, but have completely forgotten ever since), but I’m with Kaiser on this: a) disturbing that this 19 years old — and he looks like 15 years old! — is dating a 39 years old; b) doubting that he still “fancies” girls.

Kudos to him for coming out, it’s not an easy decision to make. And wasn’t Dustin rumoured to have been involved with Taylor Lautner a few years back when he was 17/18? Side-eying him, he’s shady as hell.
And I don’t get why people have trouble believing he’s attracted to girls as well, is bisexuality a myth?

It’s amazing how if someone comes out as bi, everyone lumps them into the gay category, as if their minds can’t grasp that there exists another sexual orientation that includes attraction to BOTH genders. It’s kind of disrespectful, you know?

A simple rule: you don’t HAVE to understand bisexuality, just respect fellow humans enough to acknowledge whatever orientation they self-identify as. If someone refers to themselves as bisexual, then you should too.
Easy peasy.

The age difference between these two got me thinking about the Aaron Johnson situation. Sometimes I wonder if the people that are always cheering on Aaron Johnson and his director wife are the same ones that rag on the Clooneys and DiCaprios. Because you know when a man goes out with a woman that’s young enough to be his daughter it’s totes gross and she’s obviously not really into him and only wants his money or she’s just to young to know better . But when a woman goes out with a a man young enough to be their son, it’s a love for the ages, that’s based on true equality and the young man is simple very mature and there’s nothing creepy about it.
I wonder if Black will be seen as a creepy old man lusting for young flesh or since Daley is a young man and not a woman, will people not be so harsh on Black for his interest in Tom.

I love your post so much! We don’t talk about this point nearly enough. If it were an older woman and a younger man people wouldn’t be half as outraged. I wish we talked about the double standard more.

Personally, I think it is all sorts of wrong. I don’t think a 19 year old has the maturity to date a 39 year old. Basically, I find the age difference kind of gross. But maybe I just relate it to my own level of maturity when I was a 19 year old girl because I could have no way sustained a relationship with a 39 year old man then.

We talk about it less because it happens considerably less often. How often do you see a much older woman with a very young guy? Not too often.
But an old dude dating a twenty-something? Happens all the time.
For the record, I think 20 years is a huge gap especially when one is only 19. If they were respectively, say, 40 and 60, it would be fine by me.

I so agree with your post! I think people SHOULD be harsh on Black. The age difference between 19 and 39 is icky, whatever way you slice it – older male/younger female, older female/younger male, older male/younger male. The difference in maturity level and life experience is so extreme that it honestly seems exploitative. This can work both ways – i.e. lusting after young flesh (gross) or cynical sugar daddy situation. I’m not saying that is always the case, but in my own experience it has been.

Eh, what’s different for me about Aaron and Sam is that they’re in, for all intents and purposes, a committed relationship–meaning they have kids together. They got married; they changed their names. I’m not trying to say that anyone else who just dates and doesn’t have kids or gets married is in a committed relationship–but they are pretty serious, and have been from the getgo. They *can’t* just separate whenever they want to–they have kids, they’re married.

It also doesn’t help that your foils against the Taylor-Johnson’s is Leo and George. Now I love me some Leo–but I know what Leo is, what he wants. Dude IS NOT looking to get married nor make babies in this decade (not unless he’s trolling us)–all he wants is a pretty model on his arm who won’t expect much AND get something out of it. Which is why he dates them in the first place. With George, I’m leaning towards that he can’t have sex bc of his back, so that’s why he leans towards those rent-a-dates all the time.

@Moore
People were talking about Taylor Swift and Connor Kennedy because he was still in high school for one. Second, he had just lost his mother, AND Taylor was trying to muscle her way into Camelot. She bought a house right across the street from him! I was just worried that she was going way too fast for him—

What a cutie, I just want to give him a big hug. i really love that he chose youtube so his comments couldn’t be edited. what concerns me is what he mentions first off, his life has gone through some enormous changes in the last couple of years. He seems really happy with things now but I hope this older director isn’t a relationship opportunist, preying on a very young man.

“I hope this older director isn’t a relationship opportunist, preying on a very young man.”

Agree. But the reverse could also be true. This story hits close to home for me because one of my best friends, 45, is dating a 22 year old (both are men). So the age difference is even bigger. My friend resisted the young guy’s advances for a couple of years (!) and finally gave in to the attraction and now they are living together. I have had an extremely hard time accepting it — they seem very compatible in terms of their outlook on life yet I keep going back to how very little life experience the young guy has compared to my friend. While their relationship is romantic and sweet, I can’t help but feel the young guy is looking for a paternal influence? And the financial benefits he is enjoying — amazing vacations, lovely apartment rent free, for example — also make me question his motives.

I keep trying to tell myself that as long as they both are happy, then I have to support my friend and accept this relationship. Same would go for Tom if he were my friend.

Said 39 year old doesn’t really look it and, really, when I was 19 I had a 40 year old lover from England. She took me to art viewings and introduced me to very interesting people and, after 9 weeks we were done. This kind of relationship is the ‘teacher’ kind and I really don’t begrudge him his personal journey.

The age difference is creepy and the fact that they have similar bone structure in the face and near-identical noses is creepier still.

The bi or gay part, though, is nobody’s business but Daley’s. However, I will say that I am happy that he feels good about himself, that he’s able to put out a youtube video and not waste his youth in a closet of misery and self-hatred.

I agree the age different at this stage is way too much, most people would be in complete different mind sets at 39 and 19,but ok good for them. Also why do some MEN feel they have to go with ‘bi’ whats wrong with just admitting that you are 100% gay?

Why is it hard for you to comprehend that someone could actually be bisexual? As @TOK said up thread, bisexuals are marginalised all the time. Explain it to me, is there something I’m not considering? And this is 100% shade-free, I’d like to understand why the usual thing is:

But what if he’s bisexual? Since I don’t know anything about him other than what he has said about himself, I’ll believe what he has says. Maybe since you don’t know much about him either, you should believe him when he says he bi.

Daly never stated he was bisexual .He may be Gay or Bi.At 19 I had a relationship with a woman for a few months .Realized I prefer men and I am currently dating ambisexual man.I’ll let Daly define himself.

It’s weird to read these comments after the Paul Walker article- he was 40 and his apparent GF was 23- and evidently 16 when they started dating. I can appreciate that in light of his horrific death, that’s bring glossed over- but that age differential is equally icky. With Tom being all of 19- and prob having spent 75% of his teen years in and around a pool- what exactly does he bring to the relationship table? Again, you would think the 40 yr old here would back off and allow him to grow up a bit at least.

I asked this question to myself when my friend began dating a much younger man (still do). From what I can observe, he brings adoration, support, fun. He may not have the wisdom of a 40-something (although I know plenty of middle aged folks who are pretty immature) but he does have a surprisingly intelligent outlook on the world for someone barely out of his teens. Maybe Tom is more of an “old soul” too.

Funny how people who make a point to assert how open mind toward gay couples they are and who would be offended if any homophobic comments showed up (and rightly so), can be at the same time be so judgmental and intolerant toward couples with different of ages. And yes, before you ask, my man is 20 years older than me. We met when I was 21. It was 18 years ago, we have 3 kids and are still happy together.
P.S: Also, assuming that because one partner is 20 years older than the other, he must act as “The Parent” in the relationship is as stupid as assuming that in a gay couple, one must be “The Man” and the other “The Woman”.

Thanks for being here and trying to make some people on this thread a little less peremptory. I wish all the best to you and your fiance. In my case, the people (even some family members) who were the most mean to us eventually got divorced while our relationship is still strong, so i have the last laugh, ah! I wish you the same

Dap great comment. What does the age matter or whether it will last or whether one is a parent figure etc ,etc . Why not just rejoice in the fact that they have found love for however long it lasts and that they can be out and proud about it.

I don’t know who either of these people are, but I agree that this huge age difference is “suspect”. It would be one thing if this Tom kid was 29 and his lover 20 years older, but as a 19 year old, as Nerd Alert pointed out above – the reasoning part of his brain isn’t fully developed, so does he actually REALIZE the implications of this relationship? Not only do they have different life experiences, there must be huge power unbalance in this relationship. I have a close friend who is 37 years old and has been dating a much younger man for the past couple of years. I believe his boyfriend is 22ish now. They love each other, but they are by no means equals in this relationship. My friend treats his younger partner as though he is a child he has to take care of, and his young partner looks up at him as a father type figure almost (which in a weird way makes sense as he himself has a very poor relationship with his own father). It’s just hard to imagine these relationships as ever working out because of the immaturity of one partner, and the hold of power the other partner has.

Yes, people shouldn’t be in relationship before 27 because their brain is not ready. Then, of course, they can’t be in relationship after 28 because their brain start to degenerate. All scientifically proven.

Exactly this! Do people not realize that almost as soon as the brain is fully developed, it starts degenerating. You have about one year when you’re brain is in peak condition…you can’t wait for that year to make all your important decisions.

A young gay friend of mine once told me (by way of explaining the 20-year gap in his relationship) that it’s common for young gay guys to date one or two much older guys for a spell, as a lover and a mentor. He even had a term for it, though I don’t remember what it was.

I’m not certain what the term is for it, but I can tell you that I did it & so did a lot of friends of mine when we were 18-25 years old. One of the reasons (for most of me and my buddies at least) was that older guys seemed to have more answers about how to navigate the gay experience than say your peers.
On the more superficial level it was to get into better parties, go places we ordinarily could not afford and meet people in better circles that we would have never met otherwise. Now that we are out of college and established in our careers we cringed at some of the crap we did. We used some of these older guys and we sure as hell got used by them. We are now in our mid-thirties and none of us date anyone five years younger or five years older. We stick within our age appropriate range.

I’m 35 now, but when I was Tom’s age I went on a few dates with guys in their mid to late 30′s. I guess I never really thought about how many young gay men actually go through this process. I agree though, looking back there is definitely an ick factor to the whole experience. I can not even imagine dating a 19 year old now.

And as a side note, there are old pictures of DLB floating around having bareback sex with a porn star. He’s just a gross perv and will most likely get bored of Tom soon and move on to the next teenager. Gross. Tom, you can do better.

I had just turned 19 when I met my 38 year old partner– 3 moves, 3 cats, countless joys and disappointments, and five years later, we’re engaged. Couldn’t be happier or more normal– nothing ‘creepy’ or ‘weird’. I’ve always been a bit mature for my age, and we just clicked like no other. You can’t judge a relationship unless you’re in it. What works for one couple may not work for you– but if it works for them, where is the problem?

Unfortunately, the age differences we see here are symptomatic of the repression and safety that one in the gay community seeks when one comes out of closet. For all intents and purposes, Tom’s sexual awareness has been stalled out all throughout his teen years. For that reason, he is only now able to mature and grow whereas his straight counterparts have been undergoing this process all throughout their youth and teenage years. This can be a very scary time in one’s life and, for that reason, it isn’t uncommon for many young gay men to seek out older guys who have been through all of this because many of the other young gay men in their 20′s are often trying to to still find themselves (as are most men in general). The maturation process of fellow young men, however, can feel less secure and unappealing to a young man who feels, at this point, very vulnerable after having just opened up this part of his life. While Tom’s choices are not exactly acceptable, they are, at the very least, understandable.

With all of the above being said, I do, however, take issue with Dustin Lance Black’s decision to allow this to happen. He, being the older, experienced, and “wiser” person, should know better than to enter into this relationship. Tom will inevitably grow and mature from this place of vulnerability. As his confidence and comfort with his own sexuality takes hold, he will begin to question the choices he made at this more vulnerable point in his life, which include this relationship. Simply put, Tom has not matured enough to know who is he; therefore, his choices today will inevitably change tomorrow. As a result, the relationship that comforts him today will give way to an independent, adult desire to be with a peer…an equal…not the security blanket that Dustin Lance Black provides right now.

@Christo My god, have you psychologically evaluated both of these men? Because if you haven’t, you’re making enormous assumptions and stereotypes, mixed in with a good portion of 2nd year psych. How on earth could you know this about either of them? Your tone is not only troublesome, it’s arrogant– and your points wildly simplistic.

I was 19 when I met my 38 year old partner (now fiance), and we’ve been together five years. What sterling insights might you have about that? Let me guess… I have Daddy issues and he’s insecure and constantly looking for validation? Because making those sorts of Psych 101 insights (and then trying to pass them off as fact) is irresponsible and dangerous.

There is always the exception to every rule and of course there are no rules for relationships, BUT i seriously side eye your man. Not you as women tend to be much more mature than men, but definitely him.

Molly, you are very obtuse in your reading of what I said. One does not have to perform a psych evaluation of two individuals to understand some of the underlying dynamics that demonstrably affect a population as a whole of which those two individuals comprise. Using your logic or lack thereof, one could never measurably speak or have an opinion about Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes, considering you would limit such observations squarely on whether or not one had given either one a first-hand, psych evaluation. Yet you offer your own personal anecdote as the ANTIDOTE to anyone else’s thoughts.

I clearly spoke of the young GAY MALE experience. Your situation may be very different, and, if it is as you describe, then so be it. My comment stands as does my observations and experiences that have informed those thoughts. Like all opinion and thought, even well-constructed ones, there is some measure of anecdote, personal and observational, coupled with an aggregate analysis of the data as a whole. Have a great day.

@ Christo– ‘obtuse’? Good try. I have no problem with you *having* an opinion– I have a problem with you presenting your opinion as fact. You don’t frame your comment as your thoughts, your opinions, or your ‘take’– you present it as unquestionable fact. That’s what I take issue with.

My parents were 21 years apart – she was 22 when she met him, 23 when they married. They had two kids, my sister (35) and me (27). They were married faithfully for 26 years until he passed away when I was 16.

Some people just click. It’s not for me – I have issues dating a dude more than FIVE years older than me, but my mom and dad were a perfectly normal happy couple. He was a lawyer, she is a corporate travel agent, we went on family vacations, my dad wasn’t a perv or a skeeze, he was actually super gentlemany and conservative. My mom was very mature, my dad valued that. My mom liked my dad’s intelligence and knowledge and found him charming.

It’s not like the dude is 60 and he’s 19. Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher were 16 years apart. And that didn’t fall apart because of age, it fell apart because of grossness.

I have never seen you rail against Callista Flockheart and Harrison Ford – also about 20 years apart,.

He’s 19. Legal adult. Twinky? Sure. But I don’t see this in any realm of the world as older dude being a predator or taking advantage of a young kid.

I’m meh on the age difference–he’s an adult, not a baby. I’m his age, and if I want to be with a 39 year old then it’s going to be because I want to be with him. Not because I have Daddy issues or anything like that (ironically enough, my dad is 13 years younger than my mom–they got married when he was 21), but because I want to–whether that be to learn about sex, to be with someone who (should) has a mature outlook on life, because I *want* to…..

It’s something that I’ve been thinking about recently. While I don’t really *want* to date right now (never really had a desire to at all)–that might change once I get a little older and out of the house. Mainly because of two reasons—one, all of my actor crushes are over 30. Have been since I was 13. Dudes my age either bore me half to death, or I only think of them as friends, if I think of them at all. Second, I want to adopt a ton of kids, and I don’t really see someone my age being down with that–and if I do get into a relationship before I have kids, then it’s going to be with someone who wants the same things I do.

Ok, it’s Tom’s first boyfriend but it is CERTAINLY not Dustin lance Black’s first teenage boyfriend. Dustin met Tom at the “Teens Choice Awards”. Most people go there to celebrate teens. Dustin goes there looking for a boy to SHTUP !! and people are like Oh isn’t it wonderful they are in love. NO! Dustin is pervert with a track record of dating only TEENS!! This is not wonderful it’s sick! I just hope Tom comes to his senses and sees what a perv Dustin is.

I’ve read that Dustin Lance Black wants to adopt. Well, with Tom at 19. They will not let you adopt. Nor should they. You can’t raise a teenager and sleep with one too. Besides If they are a couple, the age to adopt starts at 25 in America. Sooooooooo, Tom is way to young. To adopt or be with a 39 year old. That should be in different stages of life.

WIKI; Ephebophilia is the primary or exclusive adult sexual interest in mid-to-late adolescents, generally ages 15 to 19.[1][2] The term was originally used in the late 19th to mid 20th century.[2] It is one of a number of sexual preferences across age groups subsumed under the technical term chronophilia. Ephebophilia strictly denotes the preference for mid-to-late adolescent sexual partners, not the mere presence of some level of sexual attraction. In sexual ethics, it may be defined as a sexual preference for girls generally 14–16 years old, and boys generally 14–19 years old.[3] Some authors define ephebophilia as a sexual preference for pubescent and adolescent boys.[4]

In research environments, specific terms are used for chronophilias: for instance, ephebophilia to refer to the sexual preference for mid-to-late adolescents,[1][2] hebephilia to refer to the sexual preference for earlier pubescent individuals, and pedophilia to refer to the sexual preference for prepubescent children.[2][5] However, the term pedophilia is commonly used to refer to any sexual interest in minors below the legal age of consent, regardless of their level of physical or mental development.[6]