When First-Time Mom Me Met Present-Day Me

I’ve changed a lot in almost nine years of being a parent. But, if First-Time Mom Me and Present-Day Me met, it might go something like this:

(knock on the door)

First-Time Mom Me: Um. Hi. Uhh. Sorry to bother you, but did you know your child was playing outside by himself? In the front yard?

Present-Day Me: He is? Oh, it’s fine. We do that all the time.

First-Time Mom Me: Oh. Well, don’t you worry that he’ll run out into the street, or get kidnapped, or something?

Present-Day Me: Nah. He’s out there a lot. I’m more worried a neighbor is going to tattle on me. Wait. Are you a new neighbor?

First-Time Mom Me: No. I was just driving by and thought I should stop. I mean, what if a giant tree branch falls and hits him on the head? Or, a bee stings him? Or he gets a splinter? I just noticed he doesn’t have shoes on.

Present-Day Me: Yeah. I tell him all the time to put his shoes on. But, you know 3-year-olds….

First-Time Mom Me: (speechless)

Present-Day Me: Oh, right. Well, don’t you worry. He’ll be fine.

First-Time Mom Me: I could just sit with him if you want, until you’re not busy with whatever it is you’re doing.

First-Time Mom Me: Yeah, don’t want to screw her up by watching too much TV.

Present-Day Me: Right (slyly turns off TV playing some random kids’ show that’s been on for hours). So, I’m heating up some nuggets, but let’s be real, the 3-year-old will probably just have chocolate cake for dinner because the big kids will scarf down their food so fast that he won’t have even decided to take a bite of his, so I’ll cave and then he’ll probably just eat cake. But, at least he’s eating something, right?

Present-Day Me: Oh. Not sure. I should probably go check. I think she’s at a neighbor’s house.

First-Time Mom Me: (speechless)

Present-Day Me: Okaaay, well, I have like five billion things to do, like make a phone call, while folding laundry, while changing a diaper, while figuring out what the 3-year-old might decide he wants to eat today, while writing a blog post, sooo, are we done here?