Most of the couples calling for counseling tell me, “We don’t know how to communicate.” Whether it’s talking about feelings, being clear about logistics, negotiating disagreements or even finding the time to talk, most couples struggle with communication.

Who vacuums the floor? How often should the floors be cleaned? How about the laundry? What about the kids – who’s gonna pick them up? Who’s turn to do the dishes? You have to handle the money, ‘cause I don’t want to! Well, then you have to clean the cat box! Don’t even get me started about being late to everything…

Have you ever had one of those magic moments in therapy? I’m talking about those times when a therapist’s observation hits you like the time my Uncle Dean knocked me over with a sack of Idaho potatoes! After these moments, life is never quite the same. You have a new way of seeing the world that, in some remarkable way, changes things.

In order to build intimacy couples need to learn the essential skill of grounding and centering. As much as it is important for COUPLES – it really is an INDIVIDUAL skill. Each person is responsible for their own thoughts, feelings and behaviors and most importantly - how to come back down to earth and soothe themselves.

“Intimacy is not something you have, it is something you do….” Terry Real

Most human beings have a deep desire for love. To give love and to receive love is as necessary to us as breathing. It is the human condition to crave intimacy. Emily Dickinson said it well, “that love is all that there is, is all that we know of love. Yup. That's about right.

Quite a few years back, I was talking with my therapist about my marriage. She told me something then that has become one of those big ‘AHA!’ moments. The therapist reflected how I seem to be getting in the way of my wife feeling her own anxiety. What? I had no idea what she was talking about. She continued, “I see you pushing against each other, and I keep wanting to ask you; why don’t you get out of the way? Let her have her anxiety. You don’t have to fix it. You don’t have to make it better or worse.”