Disillusioned, First Lady now simply asking kids to drink less cooking oil

WASHINGTON — Frustrated by political opposition to her campaign to end childhood obesity and reports the healthy school lunches she pushed for are being left uneaten, the First Lady is now simply asking American schoolchildren to drink less cooking oil.

Michelle Obama said that after four years of struggling to make her “Let’s Move” program — which aims to get to get schoolchildren to exercise more and adopt healthier diets — successful, she has all but given up.

Photo courtesy of The White House

“Eat whatever the hell you want, but do your bodies one favor,” Mrs. Obama said in an address to the nation’s 55 million schoolchildren. “After school, rather than drink a whole bottle of vegetable oil, try to cut down to half of a bottle, and from time to time substitute extra-virgin olive oil in place of Crisco.”

Her final, desperate recommendation ignited another round of criticism that the First Lady is not authorized to speak on matters of public health.

“If my children want to enjoy a bottle of chilled 100-percent American vegetable oil when they get home from a long, 25-foot walk from the driveway, what business is it of Michelle Obama’s?” said Fox News host Megyn Kelly.

“And do you know what my kids really think is yummy?” Kelly said. “Blending a quart of canola oil with a tub of chocolate ice cream and five teaspoons of salt, which makes a delicious sweetened oil shake.”

Mrs. Obama said she will ask her husband to sign an executive memo reminding the nation’s 135,000 K-12 schools they can immediately go back to serving lunches of frozen waffles, industrial sausages and artificial syrup, just like they used to do.