There are many times when I am not satisfied with my conversations. Recently I have been part of a bigger conversation that has saddened me in the lack of love and grace that has been given.

A friend of mine shared this line the other day and it has sat with me. Out of this came my beginning reflections. Wondering about what is it I am leaving – my breath – my essence? What will remain as my conversation begins and ends and continues.

“I survive on the breath you are finished with”. John Mayer

Love is breathed in
From the gasp
Exhaled
In a word
That finishes
Or, begins a conversation.

Seeking what loves says
Is a gift
That gives and receives
Life, shared,
Not taken,
Forming new life,
A womb of air,
Creating,
Nurturing,
Seeking,
Protecting
What is given,
Exhaling, life.

May you see God’s light on the path ahead
When the road you walk is dark.
May you always hear,
Even in your hour of sorrow,
The gentle singing of the lark.
When times are hard may hardness
Never turn your heart to stone,
May you always remember
when the shadows fall—
You do not walk alone.

The second level in the conversational hierarchy that emerged from my workplace onversations (for further detail on the background of this click here) is the expression of wounding and a desire for a deeper experience of God. Each of these have featured significantly in the more than 1000 conversations contributing to my investigation.

“If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.”
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

C.S Lewis once said, “pain is God’s megaphone.” These two understandings fitted closely with each other as wounding is the signal to many people that a deeper relationship with God is sought. Without the pain that is a part of living in the midst of brokenness most people would be deaf to God’s calling on their lives.

Wounding

My version of Psalm 127

Work for work’s sake is futile activity,
Slavery to an endless list of tasks,
Only to achieve a bigger paycheck is futile,
They are illusions of success,
Rest is important too,
It teaches us that God provides.

Parker Palmer in his book, A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life, writes about the wounds that are caused by our institutions. For many people their experience of work is dealing with daily disappointments where wounds are inflicted by those who wield power unwisely.

One of the first realisations coming out of my conversationsis that for most people work is about violence. This is the conclusion Studs Terkel reached after interviewing scores of Americans for his book Working: Work is, by its very nature, about violence—to the spirit as well as to the body. It is about ulcers as well as accidents, about shouting matches as well as fistfights, about nervous breakdowns as well as kicking the dog around. It is, above all (or beneath all), about daily humiliations. To survive the day is triumph enough for the walking wounded among the great many of us

In my life’s most recent transformation the most difficult part of moving forward from my wounding is recognising the disappointment that lay behind that transformation. David Whyte says in his book, “Consolations”, courage is in embracing that disappointment. There is no pathway on this earth that doesn’t involve being let down in some way.

Parker Palmer writes about the need for our roles to be more deeply informed by the truth that is in our souls. His experience over many years of conducting Courage and Renewal groups is that leaders who are able to engage deeply with their identity and their organisational disappointments are best equipped to allow healing to be encouraged in their life. Being heard in a conversation is a way of encouraging healing through self reflection so that leaders are able to re-enter the daily conversations that must be had as a part of their role. Spiritual companioning conversations enable this pain to be voiced and heard; then provided a place where soul and role are reconnected.

Institutional betrayal is potent because it represents a profound and fundamental violation of trust in a necessary dependency relationship. In that sense, it is similar to abuse in close relationships such as what is expected in a marriage. This abuse is serious and its consequences are shattering for many people. Workplace statistics regarding the prevalence of bullying and abuse are horrifying and yet these numbers are a glimpse of the daily heartache that work is for many people.

I wrote the following psalm when considering the impact of violence in the workplace. For most people it isn’t a single act of abuse that destroys their soul. More often it’s the daily accumulation of barbs and jabs that end slowly suck the life out of any productive activity. They are the thousand pinpricks that slowly accumulate take away any passion that may be felt for the daily tasks needed to be done. Redemption is found when the gifts that are brought are celebrated by another. But, recovery is a healing process that is required because of the wounding inflicted.

Psalm 204 – When things go wrong

A thousand pinpricks are certain to kill,
Just as certain as a bullet to the head,
Each day can mounts with frustration,
Passion slowly curls up to die,
Lost in the mass of failures,
Notched up in the daily diary account.

Joy’s slow death has it’s own smell,
The putrid stench of contempt’s gaze,
That stares from its lofty throne,
I am lost in what cannot be changed,
Unless something changes in me,
Broken down, deserted for green fields,
That yield a thousand times more.

But Joy’s heart was opened wide,
To begin to restore my broken heart,
What went wrong will be set right,
As hearts combine in loving embrace,
Celebrating the meagre gifts offered,
From which something beautiful unfolds,
Promises from God are always kept,
Setting things right in Creation’s economy.

The struggle is necessary for hope to emerge. In this case it’s the recognition that the change must happen within me if I am able to navigate the work world. The difference is that when hope is found there is the joining of two hearts that are able to celebrate what is true and good in each other. It’s the beginning of a new conversation that begins from Joy’s open heart and searches for what is beautiful in the other person.

As Parker Psalmer relates this personal transformation to the North American seasons, he describes how the change from winter to summer requires the messiness of spring. It’s from this uncertainty that fresh shoots that are the signs of new life are able to emerge.

“In my own life, as winters turn into spring, I find it not only hard to cope with mud but also hard to credit the small harbingers of larger life to come, hard to hope until the outcome is secure. Spring teaches me to look more carefully for the green stems of possibility; for the intuitive hunch that may turn into a larger insight, for the glance or touch that may thaw a frozen relationship, for the stranger’s act of kindness that makes the world seem hospitable again.”
? Parker J. Palmer, Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation

What is often missing is a place where an honest conversation can be had about winter’s darkness or the messiness of spring. Too often in many workplaces anything not regarded as positive affirmation of current management practices can quickly label the person as negative and they are put on the outer. The truth that is in the messiness is lost because the wounds are never given an opportunity to heal. Organisations are quick to banish and say that someone doesn’t belong if their wounds disrupt the image that they seek to present.

The foundation of the conversational hierarchy developed is that a deeper space is desired. Once this is acknowledged in a conversation then the pain that comes from people’s wounding is able to become a voice that can understand what it is to have a deeper relationship with God. The opportunity that comes from this second level in the conversational hierarchy is to share with someone their wound and perhaps to shed a little of the gentle light of the soul on their pain. It’s the beginning of consolation, forgiveness and healing for the disappointment that comes with being let down by something that we sought to trust.

A deeper relationship with God is desired.

“There is in the soul a something in which God dwells, and there is in the soul a something in which the soul dwells in God.” Meister Eckhart

This search for a deeper relationship with God is often about reshaping our image of ourselves. As David Whyte puts it, “creation is waiting breathlessly for each of us to take our place…to begin the one journey only you can take…to occupy that one complexion of creation that no other element in creation can occupy.” Becoming found by God enables a person the opportunity to be seen in the most authentic place; in the most vulnerable way.

Creation begins with an imaginative act of God. Human life commenced with a series of divine creative acts followed by a conversation between God and humanity. This conversation has continued throughout history. When God created a person his conversation extended beyond declaring it is good, he started the relationship with a deeply intimate conversation that established a unique identity for each individual person. This conversation continued and developed in the Garden of Eden and beyond.

The tone changed after sin became something that needed to be confronted because of its impact on the conversation between God and humanity. This was the conversation that Adam and Eve didn’t want to have with God and they sought to avoid it. But, we are told that God sought them out and together they discovered the truth and then re established their relationship after trust had been lost.

This could have been the end of the conversation, lost trust could have doomed us to unfulfilled longings that could never be completed. However, this was not the end and humanity continues to have the privilege of having a conversation with God. Forgiveness is love’s purest expression of hope that is given as a gift to us.

In the following poem called, “Imagination” I sought to discover something about the source of that conversation and then the intimacy that I am able to have because I share with my Creator’s imagination.

Imagination

When Love created an eternal soul,
A smile announced his arrival,
Imagination’s beautiful idea fulfilled,
In the surprising gasp for breath,
Introducing life’s first cry.

In the landscape of a million conversations,
One voice creates a new piece of ground,
Creation’s busy activity paused.

Stopping to listen.

A moment dedicated to this life,
Finding a word that belonged to this person,
The word that sought out his special name,
That joined imagination with possibility,
Concluding with life’s final breath,
The smile completed by Love’s embrace.

In this poem I was also exploring the beauty of creation and the discovery of my place in the Creator’s heart. The thought that the creator of this world would stop to listen to me, that he would hear my voice and know me by name inspires me to explore more of this Creator. Imagination is the place where a deeper experience of God begins.

John’s gospel introduction to Christ begins with taking the reader back to the creation’s first creative acts. Today my life witnesses these acts that formed my life and breathes meaning into my creativity. I am a witness to God’s conversation with me, the one that knows my name; the conversation that is forgiving and the conversation that is fulfilled by Love’s embrace.

It begins with the creation story. It includes me in a holy community that says I belong. It introduces the lie that is deceptive and also the truth that can be found in the conversation we are invited to have with the Voice, Breath and Flesh.

John’s introduction to his gospel in my words.

This story originates with a small community who each desired to express their creativity. This community is made up of, a Voice, Breath and Flesh. I am one example of that creative expression. There are many others that are too numerous to mention in this brief introduction. My life is a testimony to the desire of that first group to share their creativity with their creation.

The Voice, the Breath and the Flesh realised that by myself I can only dimly make out a sense of who they are. This image is distorted by a lie. This lie is spread throughout the world and influences everything in the world. The good news is that the lie always has to give way to the Voice, Breath and Flesh.

Creation once was a complete unity then it was divided. How this came about is complex but the Voice continued to talk to his creation. He never stopped speaking the truth even though the lie was believed by most people.

Before I was born the Voice, Breath and Flesh began a plan to make truth absolutely clear. This plan required the Flesh to live with his creation so that everyone could see the lie clearly. His presence focussed the differences between the truth and the lie. It became obvious that people believed either one or the other.

The preparations for the Flesh living with us were carefully planned out. A man called John was specially prepared from birth to ensure that everyone knew who the Flesh in person really was. He knew the entire history of the Voice speaking and how deceiving the lie could be.

John was not afraid to speak the truth. He was very clear about who the Flesh was and the Flesh’s relationship with the Voice and with the Breath. It clearly was a huge commitment by the Voice, Breath and Flesh to separate for this time so that their creation could get a first hand account of the truth.

The gospel brings truth to the lies that are the most used weapon in workplaces. The lies inhibit the creativity that we are intended to share with the Voice, Breath and Flesh. The gospel brings the Flesh’s word to us and the truth that we are intended to hear.

Truth’s daily calling

Truth is the soul’s main labour,
Connecting heart and head and eternity,
Truth lived brings laughter and tears,
Truth understood is shared intimacy,
Embracing with none of love’s regrets,
The longed for hello,
Not the regretful goodbye,
Truth is not clinging to a failed understanding,
Truth is the soul’s daily work,
The creative heart work of the true human.

Ultimately we work not to just make an income, or to fill in an empty space in our day. We work because we are co-creators with God in the unfolding of the world. Our voice in this conversation is what creates a new piece of ground. In the midst of this creation Norvene Vest writes, “Vocation teaches us that each of us has a particular place, a particular set of talents, a particular responsibility that no one else can quite fulfill” (Vest).

In concluding this section I have included a prayer for forgiveness. This has the dual purpose of enabling wounding to begin healing and also it’s the starting point of a relationship with God. It provides the opportunity to step up to the next level of the conversational hierarchy – The creation of a safe place and uncertainty’s expression.

A prayer for forgiveness

Allow me to forgive,
For I am imprisoned by my bitterness.
Allow me to be forgiven,
For I am shamed that I have done another harm.
I earnestly pray that we may all forgive and be forgiven.
May we love and be loving.
May we strive to see the right, to do the right;
And to be generous with others as we would be with ourselves,
This day, this week, this life.
Amen

One of life’s harshest lessons is to recognise that it doesn’t quite measure up to expectations. Life disappoints. This has led me to seek out some reason for some of the injustices that I see during my own life journey. My heart says that if I can find a reason for going through my difficulties then there is a purpose for continuing on. Otherwise, my life would be a series of bitter defeats that ends with a despairing final defeat when I die.

A lament can be defined as a formal expression of deep sorrow. Once written, or brought to a community, or shared with someone else the issue is made official. It can’t be ignored. To fully understand the sorrow of disappointment creates the place where a life transformation can begin. The experience of lamenting for something or someone allows the beautiful truth of hope to be brought forward as a solution that enables a more positive future to be attained.

For a number of years my wife and I have been involved with an orphanage that helps children with HIV in Asia. It started with a couple of ordinary people who heard the cry of a young girl whose future looked very limited. She was malnourished, not getting her needed medication and was close to death. Her life today is full of hope, she is healthy and happy and has a loving family.

Once that child’s cry was heard they sought to discover how justice could be given to children like this little girl. From that simple beginning came a hopeful response to those children whose future didn’t have much to offer. The number of children helped through the organisation that grew out of this response grows each year.

Therefore, for the children an appropriate response to the deep sorrow about the injustice of their situation is to create a place where they can be known and loved. This is an immediate practical outcome of the recognition of a need. The children also require internal healing that comes from their own experience of abandonment and uncertainty because of what they have already faced in their brief life. This is a much more difficult path that I think will take a long time for many of them.

In my own life there are also disappointments that have come in my brief fifty years. My life like most others has had the gamut of human experience. I have experienced the loss of loved ones and known the deep grief that comes with saying goodbye. I have had dreams quashed by harsh words. There have been friends who have deserted me in times of great need. All of these experiences are to some extent unremarkable because they happen to us all at some point in our lives.

One of the things that was most helpful to me was to acknowledge the deep sorrow that comes with those disappointments. I could choose to try to explain them as inconsequential, or excuse the behaviours that caused the disappointment. But, if that as the only way I had to deal with all the injustices that I see in the world would end up even more disappointed.

My Version of Psalm 13

I have waited impatiently Lord,
Trapped in my own fears,
Sad and full of self blame,
For my failures.

Waiting means uncertainty and anxiety,
And, in the meantime,
It looks like I am passive,
Letting others run over me,
They say I am a failure,
They even think they are better than You.

Waiting means trusting,
Certain of your love,
Instead of being anxious,
I will look for expressions of your eternal love,
Life’s eternal breath,
Breathed into me,
Gives me a confident voice,
Daily declaring your goodness.
The steps that I have discovered out of my reflection on Psalm 13 that contribute to a healthy lament are as follows:

Disappointment

Uncertainty and anxiety

Waiting

Listening

Hope

There is a progression from being let down in some way to a gamut of emotions and responses that lie between it. Part of the healing process always involves listening to God’s voice. My experiences in the Psalms are crucial expressions of me learning to listen to God and be more responsive to his words, rather than just hearing some of the less helpful words that can be said to me.

In this reflection on Psalm 13 I was thinking about how out of my own sense of failure and anxiety some beautiful truths emerged. Learning to trust in the midst of uncertainty was one of the hardest lessons. My first response is usually to try to create my own solutions. There was one period in my life when I was depressed and even with my optimistic nature I couldn’t think of a single way to help myself. No matter what my desire was I was helpless to bring about my own solution.

For a period of time I had to wait. This was a difficult time of uncertainty and anxiety where I was forced to do nothing. I used the words, “I have waited impatiently Lord” to express the internal conflict that often is there when waiting. For a long time I felt like I was waiting with no expectation of what was arriving. This was a daunting prospect to face each day.

Deep sorrow, properly lamented points to hope. It helps us find our true north again. This new certainty began emerging for me as I spent more time in stillness and listening to God. To be fully realised it started with a lament about my deep disappointment. But, as I waited and listened I discovered a fresh sense of hope emerging. I found that over and over I was able to find more and more to celebrate in my life. Even just over two years since he died there are still times when I think about my Dad and feel a tinge of sadness that he’s not with us anymore. Yet from that sadness I am able to return to a more hopeful place much more quickly because of a future that I look forward to.

Finally from Psalm 35 is another lament where David is reflecting on his own deep disappointment with the way he was let down by those who had once relied upon. He struggled with the way they turned on him after he had offered these people friendship and loyalty. Sometimes he even put his own life on the line for their sake. All this was received with little gratitude. Plots betraying the trust that David gave seemed like regular occurrences throughout his life. Yet it was these experiences and his responses that gave him the recognition that he was a, “man after God’s own heart”.

A reflection on Psalm 35

Why do some people seem hell-bent on my destruction?
They are well armed,
Wielding their weapons of mass destruction,
Against me personally.
What do I do with my enemies God?

I don’t wish ill on anyone yet I still have enemies,
God I am turning to you to protect me.
When someone comes against me,
With attacks that don’t let up,
Even when they have me down,
They keep coming with more vindictiveness,
Watching for every opportunity
To put in the knife,
Stabbing me in the back,
Twisting it to cause maximum pain,
This is really is an attack against you, God.

For a long time,
I thought you were ignoring me,
Enemies were gloating at my distress,
I was trying to do my best,
My best was never good enough,
Every little failure was an opportunity,
To twist that knife a little more,
To make sure that I could never feel good.

One day justice will be done,
All in your good time God,
You will turn their gloating into a cry for help,
Lies will be exposed,
Truth will win out in the end,
This will be your opportunity God,
To set things right.

In the meantime,
I will keep serving you wholeheartedly,
I will keep trusting you have my best interests,
This will be an opportunity to tell others about you.

My name is Chris and I am an email addict. I confess that I may relapse at any moment. But, for now I have my email habit under control.

Slowly I have been reducing my dependence until just recently I took control and decided to check my email once each day at 3.00 pm in the afternoon. At that time I deal with everything that needs to be dealt with from what I have received in the past twenty four hours.

The good news is my world hasn’t fallen apart. Even better news is that I am finding some tangible benefits in limiting my access to this important part of our modern communication.

Below is a list of five benefits that I have noticed since getting my email habit under control:

1. I spend more time on focussed activities.

One of the key issues about feeding my addiction was that it needed gratification several times an hour. My life was consumed by clicking from whatever I was doing to seeing what had arrived in my inbox. At one point I was receiving at least 60 emails an hour. The constant alert of a new arrival left me in a state of permanent distraction.

Focus is all about maintaining a sustained effort. This was not possible in my constant state of distraction. The result was that my productivity was at an all time low. Even though I was engaged in activity the whole time rarely was it actually getting the jobs done that needed to get done.

Nowadays I can sit down and write a 2000 word post in one sitting. I don’t find my attention wandering back to the inbox because I know that can wait till 3.00 pm this afternoon. This type of focus is required for some of the larger tasks that I need to attend to.

2. I no longer need instant gratification of opening the next email.

My system went into withdrawal for a period of time. I remember the empty feeling after I first shut off notifications on my mobile phone. This was the complete turning off not just putting things on silent. I think that quite mode’s vibration even more torture because you know something has arrived but you have to wait till you can check without being noticed. The instant gratification is delayed.

I am discovering that I am able to wait and appreciate the reward that comes from consistently applying myself in extended bursts. What is emerging is far more gratifying than the quick injection of dopamine that my body had become used to. According to Psychology.org the desire for instant gratification comes from a desire for dopamine. Researcher Kent Berridge writes,

“These two systems, the “wanting” (dopamine) and the “liking” (opioid) are complementary. The wanting system propels you to action and the liking system makes you feel satisfied and therefore pause your seeking. If your seeking isn’t turned off at least for a little while, then you start to run in an endless loop. The dopamine system is stronger than the opioid system. You tend to seek more than you are satisfied. Evolution again — seeking is more likely to keep you alive than sitting around in a satisfied stupor.”

I was a victim to an endless search for those chemicals that I find most gratifying. I have learned to replace these short term bursts of pleasure with the satisfaction of committing to a task and seeing it to completion.

3. I can take time out without being anxious

Weekends are mine again. I can take time out to refresh and relax. Usually when the time comes to return to work I am able to do this enthusiastically. I think that this is because my creative store is replenished and waiting to do something.

I wrote this poem as I was considering my anxious state that drove me to an incessant email checking. Rest is such a welcome friend but it required a more settled approach to my life. I needed to accept whatever came that day and learn again how to prioritise. In my anxiousness everything felt urgent and important. This became overwhelming to the point of damaging my health.

Each day I know how my day will start. I am a morning person so I don’t want to waste my creative energy answering email. Nowadays I dedicate that most productive time to doing my most creative work. Rather than being anxious I tend to look forward to the tasks that lay ahead for me on any day.

4. I sleep better at night

One of the things that I used to dread was going to bed because of the anticipation of a mass of emails to wade through the next morning. Often I would be checking emails till late at night to try to cut down on the number of emails that would await me in the morning.

Going to sleep is now a welcome part of my daily rhythm. I am thankful that I will wake rested to a new day that has new possibilities ahead. The half settled sleep of worry that I used to have when I went to sleep concerned about what message may arrive during the night is becoming a distant memory. If I do wake I no longer check what’s come in on my mobile phone hoping that my wife doesn’t catch me in the act.

5. I am not constantly distracted.

I was constantly distracted by my inflow of emails. A side effect was that I found it very difficult to delete anything in case it may be important sometime in the future. What happened was that with too much information coming to me I had no time to develop a filter to know what was important and what could be discarded. This overload of information left me constantly distracted.

Our obsession with what may be contained in the latest email that we receive is an indulgence that we can’t afford. Our minds are becoming bloated with information. The fear that something important may be missed is rarely realised.

Alain de Botton says that we need to have periods of fasting from all of this is we are ever going to be able to concentrate. My email checking routine allows space from the self imposed expectation of needing to respond instantly to something that more often than not can wait.

Three key strategies that helped me:

I turned off notifications on the mobile phone – That constant ping that tells you something has arrived is not a part of my life. My advice is to not even play with the idea that you can get away with silent so no one knows about your addiction. This is only fooling yourself.

I started by unplugging for a weekend – It’s always good to start with small victories. The weekend is a good starting point to begin disciplining a chronic email habit.

I ruthlessly unsubscribe – Companies are constantly trying to get email addresses so that they can get their email message to you. Sometimes you need to supply your email address but the law is they need to have an unsubscribe function. Use it ruthlessly. They rarely will have information you need in a mass email. If you do need information you can always go back to that company’s website. I used to get close to 100 emails a day. Now I can get less than 20 emails for the whole day. Unsubscribe!

Our family recently climbed a mountain that is close to our home. It’s not Everest but it does require a bit of climbing up some of the rock faces. The level of difficulty would be classed as very easy but it is a reasonable climb with a magnificent view at the end.

My eldest son doesn’t like heights. From some people’s perspective it might seem that his fear is unreasonable and irrational because sometimes it’s quite limiting for him. This last time as we climbed this mountain I watched him carefully at one point as we climbed up one of the rock faces. I could see his fear and uncertainty as he took each cautious step forward.

When we got to the top I could see his visible relief that he had made it. I made sure we had the time for a quiet moment together and I told him how proud I was that he had made it. My observation was that he didn’t allow his fear to stop him from doing what needed to be done. His fear was real and palpable yet he didn’t allow it to stop him from climbing that mountain.

Fear is a part of everyone’s life. Unreasonable fear can create all sorts of anxiety that if left unchecked can leave us paralysed. I love the words from one of Jesus’ sermons that spoke words of comfort for those who are seeking courage and comfort.” How happy are those who know sorrow.” This is the person who has pushed this world to its limits and recognised its disappointments. The paradox of our humanity is expressed in the contrast between happy and sorrow. Normally you wouldn’t expect them to be in the same sentence.

“How happy are those who know what sorrow means for they will be given courage and comfort! “
J B Phillips

Happiness comes when the limitations of our world are owned honestly, and we understand that relationships will fall short of expectations, material benefits can come and go and prestige can be a fleeting experience. When this is realised and we become vulnerable we are prepared to face our real fears, the ones that will take us to our source.

For many people this is the step that they don’t want to take. As David Whyte says in his poem, “Start Close In”, this is the first step, the step that we don’t want to take. I wrote give me the coward to seek to distinguish from the self declared hero to the person that has recognised his fears, and knows that he is the coward. From this recognition comes the capacity to demonstrate courage in the face of adversity.

The passage from Matthew’s gospel that I quoted earlier is alluding to those people who have started close in, they will know their sorrow, but then out of their sorrow those people get the truest idea of what love looks like. In my poem it’s not the hero who really knows love, they are caught up in their heroic deeds and are forgetful of courage’s testing by love.

In, “Give me the coward”, I chose the word coward because it’s that person who knows the unreasonableness of who they are and feel the deep pain of the tragic gap of who we desire to be and what we know we are. That person is the one that has learned the deep sorrow that comes from life and all of its disappointments. They have felt the fear that comes from when their world spins totally out of control. But, this is the persona who will know happiness. Courage emerges from facing their sorrows and responding in love and kindness. The coward has the more opportunity to be a hero than the person trapped in a self declared sense of grandeur.

Give me the coward

The measure of a man is not in his grandest thoughts,The self deluded picture of a courageous act,Reality brings all actions together,Truth explores love’s resultCourage sifted by love,Nothing left,Coward.

Give me the coward who can sob about his weakness,Who knows there are other things to cry about,He can gaze into the weariness of sadness,Eyes feeling the glare of judgement,The delusions of control,Knowing lies,Hero.

The best human stories are redemptive stories. They are the one’s where our biggest failures are transformed into a redeeming triumph. These are the heart stories that we yearn for because such stories provide all of us with hope. Give me the coward sought to be such a story. It seeks to explore the nature of true courage and develop a deeper understanding of each person’s possibility for redemption.

1. Creativity re-emerges

Truth’s daily task

Truth is not clinging to a failed understanding,Truth is the soul’s daily work,The creative heart work of the true human.

Another line in this poem that I wrote was that “truth lived brings laughter and tears”. When in the midst of my burnout there wasn’t much laughter, tears were the more common expression of my state of being. Creativity requires both to be present in our life. The unhealthy imbalance was very evident in my daily lament about my lack of value to anyone.

James Altucher in his book, “Choose Yourself” recommends that we write down ten ideas a day. I would normally say such a task is too easy but my idea well was completely dry during this time.

Creativity re-emerging showed itself in a growing confidence to try something new. Each day as I took the next faltering step forward I was able to move to a new understanding of myself as a person. The old ways of seeing myself were lost in a finding of a new truth that touched the very core of my soul.

Psalm 85

When love and faithfulness collided with my life,The sparks shot to the heavens,The light shower showed me the way forward,The paralysis of despair healed completely…

I used the word paralysis to refer to the despairing state that I found myself in during my experience of burnout. The discovery of those who could meet me with love and faithfulness in the moments of darkness encouraged the smallest sparks of creativity that they saw in me and this allowed light to emerge on the next step forward. Being able to work creatively and to then have the confidence to share my work with a community that expressed love and faithfulness was a very clear sign that I was beginning to rediscover a balance in my life.

2. Sleep refreshes

One of the clearest indicators of my state of being when in the midst of burnout was a poor sleep rhythm. Even when I did sleep it never felt like I woke refreshed. There were times when I questioned if I would ever have a proper night’s sleep again. I felt like I lived in a state of perpetual tiredness. Being able to have a good night’s sleep was a welcome relief that was a clear indicator that something was beginning to shift in me.

A reflection on Psalm 112

My heart’s deepest gladness has been found,Living in the centre of God’s intention,I sleep peacefully each night,I dream of hope and belonging…

For me the tiredness hung around for a long time. I am normally a quite active person who approaches life with enthusiasm. My preferred rhythm is to wake early and it’s in that time that I can be quite creative. When I continually was waking up feeling tired there was little creativity left in me.

As I emerged from my continual tiredness I started looking forward to the mornings again. As creativity emerged I began looking forward to waking up so that I could engage in the creative activity of my work. Sleep was welcomed because it was a restful sleep that came from resolving some of the tension that I felt had emerged in understanding my sense of vocation and my response to that call.

3. It doesn’t have to be about me

At the height of my burnout my conversation centred around me. Sometimes when I was saying the words about me I felt tired of hearing myself talk. Some good friends stayed with me during this period and continued to listen and I am thankful that they were able to do this.

A reflection on Psalm 104

Like a lost friend who is brought close,Creation continually welcomes me with a huge hug,I am safe again in his presence,His Voice the centre of my conversations….

One of my burnout symptoms was a complete retreat into myself. This was very difficult with a wife and four children who were very used to me be very present in our family life. I still managed to be very self focussed in my world of perpetual distraction. Even when I was with them I was never really there. I would be looking at them but thinking about a thousand things that could be going wrong, what I needed to do yet in that day, what mistakes I had made that day and a constant self talk of failure. There wasn’t much room in my head to fit anyone else.

My centre had become all about me and this was creating fatal wounds in my life. Learning to discover other important voices that spoke into my life helped me to re-find my centre. I loved the growing sense of belonging that brought with it a healing voice into my life. The words that emerged brought a new understanding of my own voice that could transcend my immediate problems.

4. Confidence returns

So many of us let others determine what we are worth. It’s our duty to make that determination ourselves.”
Jonathan Goldsmith

Dr Travis Bradberry in article in Forbes Magazine recently that quoted research from the University of California in San Francisco that showed the more difficulty you have saying no, the more likely you are to experience stress, burnout, and even depression. He also says that before we say “no” we need to have worked out what we are saying yes to.

Writing Psalm 203 was about me re-finding my centre in work by first learning to say yes to God.

My first word today is to say, “No”,To a thousand different questions,That seek to bring complexity,To what is the simple choice,Of first saying yes to God.

Being able to say no to someone means that there is something bigger at play in life. I have learned once again to find a bigger purpose in my life than some of the more material goals that dominated my life during my period of burnout. This gives more confidence to be able to make choices and to then live with those choices.

I notice myself saying no more and more lately. Sometimes saying no is often about choosing between good and best, this choice can be difficult especially when the creative juices are flowing and there are so many options to explore. But, saying no helps focus creativity and beds it into more fertile soil that is ultimately more productive.

No can sometimes bring with it some immediate pain but this is sometimes better than the dull ache of a half hearted yes. No, changes the terms of of a relationship because it makes the reality or impossibility of a situation clearer. Burnout can feel like living in a fog but with finding the capacity to say no confidently the fog recedes to give a clearer picture of reality.

About 18 months ago at the end of a retreat I was told that I was in a liminal space. These words came after sharing my story with a group of trusted friends and letting them reflect back to me some of their impressions.

I received their thoughts when much of what I thought I would be leading was gone and I was unsure of what the next step forward would be. There was a period of time when the only productive task that I completed each day was to pick up a load of free mulch that was provided by our electricity company, load it in the boot of our car and spread around our yard. I felt a huge achievement when I got one area of the front yard covered. This was the result of a continuous small effort day after day. In terms of achievements I wasn’t exactly climbing huge mountains.

It was during this time that I questioned if I had anything of value to offer to anyone. My eldest daughter still tells me today that that she was the only person in our family that was employed.

I then came across an article from Harvard Business Review that talked about leadership in liminal times. It began by explaining the term liminal:

The liminal term comes from Arnold van Gennep, the Belgian anthropologist who first outlined the common patterns in how cultures mark transitions from one human state to another (for example, from adolescence to adulthood). In his 1909 book The Rites of Passage he described three stages of separation from one world and entry into another. The liminal (or threshold) stage is central
(HBR)

During my period of liminality I couldn’t see a way forward. The best I could do was to know that, “the way behind had closed”. My life script had been altered in a way that I didn’t expect. I had a picture of how I expected life would work out and it didn’t happen that way.

Firstly I realised I was wrong.

I Thought

I thought that I was strong,I thought that anything was possible,All I needed to do,Was to believe enough in myself,And, it could be done.

I thought that I was in control,I thought that I determined my future,All I needed to do,Was to have enough things,And, my world was secure.

I was wrong.

This was one of the key discoveries I have made in slightly more than 50 years of living. Admitting that I was wrong, and that I was not in control gave incredible freedom to begin to contemplate the possibilities for the future.

Commenting l on van Gennep’s work, anthropologist Victor Turner explained it as “a moment when those being moved in accordance with a cultural script were liberated from normative demands…. In this gap between ordered worlds almost anything may happen.”

The word “liminal” comes from the Latin word limens, meaning literally, “threshold.” A liminal space, the place of transition, waiting, and not knowing is:

…a unique spiritual position where human beings hate to be but where the biblical God is always leading them. It is when you have left the tried and true, but have not yet been able to replace it with anything else. It is when you are finally out of the way. It is when you are between your old comfort zone and any possible new answer. If you are not trained in how to hold anxiety, how to live with ambiguity, how to entrust and wait, you will run…anything to flee this terrible cloud of unknowing.
– Richard Rohr

The “threshold” was a terrible place to have to wait at because none of my old excuses worked. There was nothing to hide behind, only the certainty that all my old protections were gone.

Secondly being wrong is not the final word.

For a while I had nothing to lead. But, then slowly I again took on some life responsibility. This was firstly for my family. There was much that I had neglected during my pre-liminal and liminal period that required my attention. I remember one day looking into the backyard and being surprised by the young man playing cricket in the backyard, it was my son. But, I had missed some important growing that had gone unnoticed by me.

In some of the most important places I had left a gaping hole that could not be fixed in an instant. There are some wounds that are bit like Humpty Dumpty’s predicament, “all the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again”. For me the coming back together was in a very different shape from what we had before.

Then, slowly I felt creativity begin to reemerge. Ideas began surfacing. Most of them totally impractical but I began allowing myself to dream again. This began my pathway back to believing that there was some hope.

Thirdly be ready for hope to emerge.

What does hope look like?

Smiles that start in my heart,Songs that I feel in my stomach,Shadows that cool the harsh light,Rainbows where I know the end is close,Dreams that are doused with love,Ideas that are bigger than me,Calling that knows my name.

This period was marked by a lot of uncertainty. I found it difficult to plan anything because I had no idea of what was to be next. And, because I believed I had been so wrong I hesitated to make any decision in case it ended being more disastrous than what I had just done. But, hope wouldn’t allow uncertainty to have the final word.

One of the most valuable activities was to have a retreat day with my wife. It was a day of silence, listening and talking. It led us to a discerning of the path forward for us. This discerning didn’t mean there was an immediate transformation but it did allow me to hold the liminal tension a little more easily. For me this day was the beginning of seeing the way forward but there was still a lot of uncertainty yet to come.

As hope returned new leadership opportunities emerged. I began to see any possibility with a new humility. The arrogance of self sufficiency was clearly shown to me to be an illusion. As Dickens says so well in “The Tale of Two Cities”,

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way”.
I am able to look to that liminal period as a significant marker in my life. It’s still very close and maybe the way forward is still emerging. But, as David Whyte says, it’s during these times that transformation can begin. That without some despair, or destruction something new cannot emerge.

Note: I have used “he” when describing the leader in the third person. This was not meant to be exclusive but chosen because much of this post is written in the first person. Because I am a male I thought it would be best if this was consistent in the post. My apologies for the limitations of language to adequately convey the non gender tone I desired.)

Over the past year I have been finding myself in the Psalms by making the Psalmist’s prayers my prayers. I have sought to find God’s and my own voice as I have rewritten them in my own words. My methodology wasn’t correctly exegetical in anyway and I think sometimes the reader may have difficulty in recognising the original Psalm. While rewriting the Psalms I have discovered some great personal truths as I have travelled with the Psalmist and his journey of love, justice, rest, God, faithfulness, betrayal, disappointment and the rest of the gamut of human experience.

Because of its length I will divide this essay into two sections. This first section will cover my exploration of my first two themes about leadership and the Psalms. They are as follows:

Leadership and loneliness.

Leadership and disappointment

Then in Part Two I will explore the following two themes:

Leadership and rest.

Leadership and courage.

The first two themes will explore some of the shadows that accompany leadership and then in part two it will look at the places where there is light.

The reason why most of the Psalms are written is because leadership is tough. The psalmist is usually facing a situation that is very difficult and often feels like it’s beyond his control. Prayer is the way that he is able to work out the way forward in his understanding of the situation in the context of belonging to God.

My key points in this post flow from the understanding that leadership can be difficult. As I have written my own versions of the Psalms I have sometimes reflected on my leadership experiences and empathised with the Psalmist and his leadership journey. The words that have emerged in my versions of the Psalms have come from my heart as I have found myself in his prayers.

As the themes emerged in my writing of the Psalms new words were brought to me each day as I uncovered a prayer in my heart for that day. One of the most confronting themes for me was that of betrayal, where those who I thought would be there in a crisis didn’t turn up and even worse I watched as they turned their backs on me. Disappointment is that knowing I was deserted and then seeing those people becoming my most vehement critics. This is often the leader’s lonely path and one that we know was experienced by David who is one of the main psalmists.

The second theme that I will write about in this section is that of disappointment. Disappointment emanates from a sense not belonging and the often hurtful discovery of this can be transformative. I felt one of my deepest hurts when I was told that I didn’t belong to something that I helped create. Although this rejection was deeply painful the experience was also the start of something transformative in my life. This is the nature of opposition that is often firstly painful before it becomes transforming that every leader will face and then need to decide how to respond to.

1. Leadership is lonely.

There are some really tough lonely conversations that the leader will have as he leads. Most literature on communication and leadership is about the way the leader speaks to those he leads but the leader is also required to listen to those around him. These conversations when tinged with betrayal and accusation can bring a sense of separation leading to a despairing loneliness.

All of us desire a deep connection with another person, when it happens it’s a discovery of that place where we we truly belong. In my versions of the Psalms I have often referred to that sense of belonging as, “home”. Loneliness is that place that makes us seek out togetherness and brings us to where we desire home above all else. As I wrote Psalm 143 I was recognising the gift of togetherness with God when compared to an angry outburst I had recently faced where the person’s aim was to lash out and hurt me.

As I watched this person’s anger reflected in his words and eyes I felt that deep disappointment of a betrayed trust that any such outburst brings. To help deal with this I sought God’s mercy, one version of this Psalm starts it with, “Lord, hear my prayer”. This is every person’s desire, we want to be heard. One of the leader’s most important tasks is to hear the voice of others but sometimes in the midst of that it can be difficult to find a place where he is heard.

Psalm 143
Mercy is my heart’s cry today,
This morning your gift is its sweet words,
I allow only these words to fill me,
My dear enemy spews constant hate,
His cold eyes that have dark souls,
Drawing me into their emptiness,
Wanting to see me cling to false hope,
I feel the pain of disappointment,
The desert of loneliness,
When what was important,
Was too easily discarded for a trinket.

These words came to me as I considered the encounter in which I experienced vehement opposition that spilled over to become very personal statement about me. At first I was surprised by what I saw in the person’s eyes because I expected the gift of friendship. This was replaced by words that sought to drive me away. I was shocked that something so special as the deep connection I thought we had could be betrayed so easily by the other person.

This took me to the place of loneliness, where my prayers to God were for mercy. I was seeking a sense of togetherness and this was now lost in this relationship. Loneliness brought about by being told I didn’t belong was a haunting hurt that required mercy’s voice to speak to me in a more loving way. This emerged from Psalm 143 and many other Psalms that have found me in that alone place.

2. Leadership is disappointing

Disappointment makes us reconsider reality, and question what we thought was secure. It can help us reconsider our sometimes too generous assessment of the loyalty of others. It can bring us back to a more realistic truthful assessment of the motivations of others.

I can be overly optimistic about the intentions of others and loyal without the common sense of wisdom. This has led to deep disappointments when this loyalty has not been repaid in the way that I thought it would to be. I was guilty of making a deep emotional commitments that were never going to be reciprocated. In hindsight I should have seen the signs that betrayal was inevitable and been wiser in what I allowed my heart to be open to.

For me disappointment and opposition often come together to create a sense of overwhelmingness. When the opposition mounts I know I can feel quite besieged. Inundated by the words that are often carefully chosen to bring the maximum hurt I have recoiled into a state of numbness born from disappointment.

Psalm 43
Disappointment is a constant companion,
Opposition seems to dog every step,
Love isn’t my natural response,
To those who use confusion as their weapon,
Even those my own side are difficult,
Saying one thing but doing another,
They should be sticking up for me,
But, they are blocking my light,
I can’t see a way forward,

What will I do?

I think my best response to disappointment comes out of Psalm 142. I know that I have not always wanted to make love my first response but this was not right. I have discovered It is to whom I give my love that is important and will help shed light on the way forward. Making God my first love has helped me to be better able to love others.

I won’t depend on anyone now,
Except my God’s love,
Too many disappointments have come,
These seek to overwhelm me,
The powerful destruction of divided attention,
Is what slowly destroys love’s desire.

This world is always going to give its share of disappointments. Plans will not work out as we anticipated, people will be disloyal, we will be told we don’t belong. Each of us will experience these disappointments in our own way but one of life’s guarantees is all of us will experience it.

I know that when the disappointments have inundated me I have responded with uncertainty and by withdrawing. But, as I have sought God first and my attention has become less divided I have found the deep hurt of disappointment is able to be understood and then used as a transformative tool.

Leadership is a transformative task that requires the leader to work out their disappointments. Being let down is a part of the deal but as I learn to give my undivided attention I am better able to serve those who share a sense of togetherness in a task or common goal.

On the other other side of disappointment comes the possibility of transformation. Often what lies before has to be taken away before real change can happen. The leader’s task is to take up that disappointment and bring the group together with an undivided attention.

I finished Psalm 142 in this way:

My heart longs for a shared intentions,
The love of God above all things,
Lost in the maze of endless distraction,
But, I am brought home by trust in God,
Despairing of any loyalty,
My cry for help is heard,
Instead of pain I seek out the goodness,
That my God has given me.

Conclusion

Excerpt from “Monet Refuses the Operation”
by Lisel Mueller, from Second Language
if only you could see
how heaven pulls earth into its arms
and how infinitely the heart expands
to claim this world, blue vapour without end.

In the worst moments of my leadership journey I have wanted to disappear into a vacuum of nothingness. But, with a wife and four children and responsibilities crowding in from every direction this is not always possible.

What saved me was being able to take the time to step back from my circumstances. I was able to gain some perspective about my own loneliness and the deep disappointments that have come my way. I write this knowing that I have lived a privileged life that many people in this world would envy yet I still experience this deep yearning for what I believe is possible in the way that we work and live together. Writing my own version of the Psalms enabled me to pull the earth into the arms of heaven. The exploration of this world is expansive with increasing possibility that only expands my leadership capacity further as I bring God into the conversation.

Keep walking, though there’s no place to get to.
Don’t try to see through the distances.
That’s not for human beings.
Move within, but don’t move the way fear makes you move.
Today, like every other day, we wake up empty & frightened.
Don’t open the door to the study and begin reading.
Take down a musical instrument.
Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.

Rumi

I recently spend a few weeks in Asia with my wife looking after an orphanage for children with HIV. We were accompanied by one other person, a close friend that we have known for many years. Our days were quite long. Starting at around 5am and often not finishing till 10pm or later. As time went on we all became increasingly tired.

At about the 10th day the tiredness had developed into irritations at things we all normally would overlook. Finally the irritation expressed itself in words and tone – specifically my words and my tone. Neither of which were helpful to anyone. Immediately as the words escaped my mouth I could see that I had inflicted pain on my dear friend.

My wife was quick to let me know that I was out of line. I said to her that I would apologise to try to rectify things.

As we were walking along together with the kids I went up to my friend and said these words, “ I am sorry. But, you have been doing this (I named my irritation) the whole time”.

As an apology it fell far short of providing healing words. On reflection and judging by the further tears invoked by my apology I could see that they had done more damage than good.

After giving us a bit more space I attempted again to talk to my friend this time with some more carefully chosen words. This time they were more helpful in healing the damage that I had inflicted earlier. What was even better was that we created a new level of openness in our relationship.

Forgiveness is a part of daily life. Every day we have to make choices about what we do with the inconsistencies, in considerations, failures and shortcomings of those around us. We also need to work out what we do with those things we find within ourselves.

One thing that is evident in most people is there is a level of restlessness in our souls. This expresses itself in the unsettledness that many people have in their circumstances but I believe is pointing to a deeper yearning that we all have.

Hugh Prather says that the root meaning of the verb, “to forgive” is to “let go”. He says that when we consider forgiveness in this way it becomes a “restful activity”. I think that this is the balm that we are looking to heal the wounds that life inflicts upon all of us.

Parker Palmer in a recent article in On Being reiterates the actions that come from not being able to work out our pain. He writes, “Violence is what happens when we don’t know what to do with our suffering”. The only way that we know how to deal with our own unforgiveness is to pass our own suffering onto others.

Ellen Bass expresses the healing path beautifully in her poem, Mules of Love,

Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.

To conclude I would like to offer my own reflection on my actions on that day when I allowed my irritation to surface. I have immersed myself in the Psalms over the past year and sought to make them my prayers. The day after my outburst I came to Psalm 116 and this was the prayer that emerged from my reading of that Psalm.

Psalm 116

Forgiveness is my constant request Lord,
In a brief moment I chose death words,
That sought to see the worst,
In an instant anger took over,
Leaving deep hurt in its wake.

In the midst of this I cried for forgiveness,
I look to God for healing,
Seeking kindness to replace the anger,
Turning sadness into tears of laughter,
Lies are the hurtful twisting of truth,
That are spat out by venom’s tongue,
Seeking to separate my Spirit from God’s,
Looking for an opportunity for Death’s victory.

Today I will look for life’s words,
Seeking to restore the hope that begun,
Not allowing death to wreak destruction,
Looking to belong again after destroyed trust,
I will seek the goodness that belongs to me,
The rest that comes from loving deeply,
Giving daily thanksgiving to God,
For his abundant life giving words,
That are my hope for restoration.

I found in the last stanza the rest that comes from forgiveness that Prather talks about. The wounds inflicted required me to bring a different voice to our conversation that sought to discover the beauty in my dear friend. The conversation that ensued was one that brought a new level of honesty and a renewed capacity to care for each other.

Stillness is what creates love,
Movement is what creates life,
To be still,
Yet still moving—
That is everything!—DO HYUN CHOE, Japanese Master

I just spent a couple of days at a retreat. One of the main activities during our time is to listen to each other’s stories. I have been retreating in this manner with some of these people for more than a decade. Over that time we have heard each other’s story many times but I still look forward to catching up.

I often wonder what is the gift that is received during these times. Each of our stories is very ordinary, with the usual mixture of failure, successes and transitions. We laugh often, cry sometimes and respond to each other’s voice, so our time is not a deathly 24 hour silence. It’s a time that’s full of life that keeps us coming back over and over.

Perhaps as Do Hyun Choe says, “it’s that stillness that creates love.” Giving our presence in a quiet space is something that is life giving for each of us. Our souls are given a little more light to be able to reenter the fray.

I know that these quiet spaces can be difficult to find in a busy life. There is always one more email needing a response, another phone call to make, or that one more thing to check off on that unattainable checklist of perfection.

Last week in a small orphanage that My family supports in Asia a small life passed from this earth. I stopped and considered his life. A different voice emerged to me that day. His was a short story that impacted on a few lives on a world with many busy souls.

The words, “A voice speaking to me”, in the midst of the “raucous din”, reminded me of there are important things to consider that needed to be sifted from all of my activity. A reminder to stop and listen because there may be an important voice that I have not heard that I need to hear.

Still – For David

A breath of stillness passes by,
A whisper that is barely caught
I was still just now,
I heard a voice speaking,
Love and hope for those left behind.

A life passes sadly in the din,
Barely heard,
A small voice in a crowd,
Eternity cries out to me,
Be still and hear him now.

What does this life say to me?
I pray my soul is not deafened,
To the cry of the poor,
Not drowned out,
by a raucous busy life.

I took a moment to be still,
I heard a voice speaking,
I took a moment to be still,
I heard his voice speaking to me.

Today I am going to start …

Today I am going to start living
As only I can live,
I am going to walk in the bush
Listen lovingly to friends,
Take time to hear the birds sing
Love my wife
Be present for my children,
And, wonder at this precious gift
Of life and dreams and time,
Just today, is all I have,
Today I am going to live.