I protest

So, I’m a protester. What do I do exactly? I protest, aur kya. Ya, that’s my job.

Bachchan saab, Bhai, act. I protest.

Producers hire them. Political parties hire me. Same idea. Protesting is our family business. From 1947, my great grandfather used to protest against the British. Then, my nana took over in the 1960s and 1970s, with Datta Samant’s trade unions and all. They were together.

Shouting slogans, etc. Fun began in 1992. My father felt all the non-violent protests was bhunkus. It was okay in Gandhiji’s time, but not now, in modern times. When riots happened in Mumbai, it was profitable time for my family. Arre, dhamaal time actually, smashing up shops, loot-maar, tod-phod. Every morning, we would get up, polish our swords and make masti. Mumbai was burning, mazaa aaya! Army was called in too fast.

See, these Kejriwal-saab, Anna Hazareji…good people, no doubt. But they have spoilt the market. They have once again started this peaceful protesting chakkar. Bloody! No fun, sitting whole day in the sun. And they give Aquaguard water in paper cups, not even Bisleri.

But we have a thriving dhandha now. We have a rate card for all services that we offer — we charge, as per your requirement. R200 for half day dharna (silent), R750 for full day (Bisleri water and vada pao separate). R1,500 if slogan shouting is required (Zindabad Murdabad type) R5,000 (with rioting). Discount if you provide all the weapons. If we have to get our own, then R500 hiring charges.

Only thing we don’t do is murder. But we can organise.

You see, I have no political affiliations. Everyone is same to me. All parties, rebel parties, breakaway factions, MLAs. They all want my services.

Arrey bhai...kuch bhi…that actress… kya naam hai…Dhupia… Neha…she said something on that Twitter witter…so we went outside her building and gave some gaalis.

See, sometimes, accha bhi lagta hai…specially when our bosses say, yeh such and such a person, Cuffe Parade mein rehti hai, so we go to South Mumbai....SoBo as you call.

That day, I had to go to Pune. Kuch bloody film students hunger strike par hai.

Thursday sabse difficult tha, Yakub Memon ka hanging. Some parties are for the hanging....others are against. Of course, next hanging they will interchange. This time, I had to keep changing sides. Thoda confusing tha.

But it’s okay. Life is changa. They say na, ki as long as there is sickness, doctors will never be jobless. As long as India is like this na..you know rich getting richer...poor getting poorer, religious pangas...I will always be in business.