It was once said that "He who has a why to live, can bear almost any how" I am trying to find my "why"

Diary #1

Few days ago it hit me why I have been acting this way lately, for few months and regardless of all the really good things that have been happening to me, I have been feeling numb towards life, I am never really sad or really happy, all sorts of emotions have been downgraded tremendously, first was by choice as I thought this is the only way I can get through with my life given all that has been happening around/to and with me.

Since I was a little kid whenever I am put into a situation that was beyond my comprehension I just go to my room, talk a little bit with the wall next to my bed and sleep, my mom used to tell me this is how I escape problems and I should face them instead.

I faced them, I faced them all, I opened myself to others, I let them in and they all let me down one way or another until I got exhausted and decided to take matters in my own hands, then it was good and it kept getting better and the dream got bigger and bigger each day.

Then I fell in love, I fell in friendships and I fell in a revolution,

Then people died, lovers became acquaintances and friends became mirrors.

I’ve always hated mirrors and loved my friends.

Consciously, I started convincing myself that it is not real, nothing is real until unconsciously this notion took over and I lost touch with reality.

Few weeks ago, one of the most important people in my life went through a morbid situation to say the least and I wasn’t there, I let him down, in my head I thought I am helping, in my head I didn’t really comprehend that it was really happening or that it happened to begin with and I cried on my bed for the first time since I can remember, I kept on thinking and rethinking every aspect of my life, I kept trying to detach myself of this situation coz I couldn’t bare to think that he was in danger, I didn’t know what to tell him afterwards, how would I explain to him that the reason why I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most is because I died long time ago, I got too hurt that I have been existing into a postmortem condition that I do not feel a thing.

I lost touch with reality on some level, I treat everything as a dream that will eventually end and whenever something has a consequence it shakes my belief system as it should have ended when it did, how come it still has an effect later on, like when my credit card got stolen I was too chill as I thought that all I need to do is to act that it didn’t happen, the problem is that, it did and two weeks later when I realized the amount of money I lost, I wasn’t really sad as I believe I ran out of sadness, happiness, excitement or even heart beats.

If everything inevitably turns into nothing, then nothingness is the only permanent state we could be, hence the meaninglessness of everything else.