I Am in Love…

Bush to Phase Out Environment by 2009Andy BorowitzSat Mar 29, 3:00 AM ET President George W. Bush confirmed today that his gutting of the Endangered Species Act is part of a broader plan to phase out the environment entirely by the time he leaves office in January 2009.

“In addition to cutting taxes, it has been the goal of this administration to cut our wasteful, bloated environment,” Mr. Bush said in a speech before the Association of Indiscriminate Applauders in Washington, D.C.

In his speech, Mr. Bush added that the EPA would henceforth be renamed the Environmental Prevention Agency.

The president said that by removing endangered species from the protected list one by one, his administration has been able to phase out the environment gradually “so that hardly anyone will notice it’s missing.”

But the president warned that “much work remains to be done” if the environment is to be completely phased out by the first quarter of next year and called for the accelerated extinction of all superfluous organisms by the end of fiscal 2008. “It is time for all Americans to take sides,” Mr. Bush said. “Are you with us, or are you with the black-tailed prairie dog?”

Mr. Bush’s plan also calls for a gradual reduction of air and water, with water most likely to get the axe.

“If it comes down to choosing between air and water, the president will probably scrap water,” said Environmental Prevention Agency chief Stephen L. Johnson. “After all, most Iraqis have been without water since 2003, and look how well they’re doing.”

Elsewhere, after Pope Benedict XVI prayed for peace on Easter Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney requested equal time for war.

An Obama campaign aide’s remarks in which she called Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) a “monster” have ignited a firestorm of controversy among monsters across the U.S., prominent monsters confirmed today.

Calling Hillary Clinton a monster is “odious and offensive to monsters everywhere,” said Tracy Klujian, the executive director of the Monster Anti-Defamation League, a group that monitors unflattering portrayals of monsters and miscreants in the media.

“As monsters, we are subject to defamation and stereotyping on a daily basis,” Mr. Klujian said. “But being lumped together with Hillary Clinton is really a low blow.”

Mr. Klujian said that he was pleased that the Obama aide had resigned over the “monster” remark but said that “more work will need to be done” if the Illinois senator is to mend fences with the monster community.

“We monsters count for as much as 5 percent of the vote in Pennsylvania,” Mr. Klujian said. “And that number is even higher in Pittsburgh.”

Perhaps in an effort to steer clear of the controversy, Sen. Clinton herself dodged the issue of whether or not Sen. Obama is a monster in an upcoming interview on “Sixty Minutes.”

“He’s not a monster as far as I know,” she told Steve Kroft in an interview to air this Sunday. “I mean, I take him on the basis of what he says, and, you know, if he says he’s not a monster, there isn’t any reason to doubt that.”

Elsewhere, Rep. Ron Paul said that he is dropping out of the GOP race but would continue to run for president of Earth II.

On a day when millions Americans were reeling from the news that there were trace amounts of prescription drugs in their drinking water, President George W. Bush made a stunning announcement at the White House.

Standing before a banner reading “Prescription Accomplished,” the president said that he hoped providing Americans with free medications via their tap water would prove to be “the finest legacy” of his administration.

Mr. Bush indicated that America’s drug-laced waters could boost tourism in the United States, adding that English rocker Pete Doherty was “getting on the next plane over here.”

Across the country, the announcement that President Bush had doped America’s drinking water with dozens of prescription medications drew a variety of reactions.

“It makes me proud to be an American,” said pitching great Roger Clemens.

Responding to the news that she had been imbibing anti-anxiety drugs in her water, New York resident Carol Foyler said, “I’m not worried about it, but come to think of it, I’m not worried about anything anymore.”

But Atlanta’s Tracy Klujian said that he believes all drinking water in the United States should come with a warning label indicating possible side effects. “I had a glass of water yesterday, and I had an erection lasting more than four hours,” he said.

Elsewhere, shuttle astronauts planned to assemble the first robot in outer space, despite warnings that the robot would kill them and take over the ship.

I can imagine Medusa, Grendel, Lurch, The Undertaker circa 1991 and all these other monsters showing up at a Hillary rally snappin’ out with picket signs and chants that deride Mrs. Clinton and her lecherous ways.

holy shit, that first article is a joke, right? not really getting the sarcastic vibe reading this, especially given the people they’re talking about in it.I know… slow question… he’s a good writer… humorous.