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Sunday, May 31, 2015

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy -age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an imagination)
Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

The fellow in the pictures is Larry Earley, He lives about 30 miles from Orlando, in the very rural community near Okahumpka, just off the Florida turnpike in Lake County Florida. He has 20 acres of land and on it, a few cows and horses. Mostly it's pasture land that is fenced with woods surrounding him.

He is neighbored by a larger cattle ranch. His neighbor has complained for several years that wild hogs had been raiding his cattle feeders and salt licks. Last month he saw what he though was a cow in his pond and went to see if it was stuck in the mud and would have to be pulled out. When he got close enough to realize it was hog, the thing made a charge at him. He had driven his truck down to the pond and carries a pistol in it (as any Florida redneck would, and I say that with genuine affection). He got his handgun and when it came at him again, he shot it twice and killed it.

Wild hogs in Florida usually run from 100-400 pounds with a 400 pounder being a monster. Because this one had been feasting on grain for several years it had grown to mamoth size. When Bob took it to the processor it weighed in at over 1100 pounds!

The meat has no wild taste, as it was grain fed and the Larry is quite the hero. He has fed many fireman and provided the homeless shelter in downtown Orlando with a couple of meals.

I have been a Travel Agent for thirty Years. Here is why we're in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

2. I got a call from a candidate'sstaffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response....(click).

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"

4. I got a call from a law maker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

5. An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones.

Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked,"Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that is very rude!"

After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!"

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa."Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and everytime they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I told her "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.

The woman was arrested when the plane landed in Australia A French woman has admitted attempting to open an aeroplane door mid-flight so that she could smoke a cigarette. Strange Story Smoking on plane

Sandrine Helene Sellies, 34, who has a fear of flying, had drunk alcohol and taken sleeping tablets ahead of the flight from Hong Kong to Brisbane. She was seen on the Cathay Pacific plane walking towards a door with an unlit cigarette and a lighter. She then began tampering with the emergency exit until she was stopped by a flight attendant.

Defence lawyer Helen Shilton said her client had no memory of what had happened on the flight on Saturday, and that she had a history of sleepwalking. She pleaded guilty to endangering the safety of an aircraft at Brisbane Magistrates Court and was given a 12-month A$1,000 (£429) good behaviour bond - she will forfeit the money if she commits another offence. The French tourist was at the start of a three-week holiday in Australia with her husband.

As reported by the BBC

Actual Questions Asked of Librarians

Do you have books here?
Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?
Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?
Where in the library can I find a power socket for for my hairdryer?Do you have that book by Rushdie, 'Satanic Nurses'? [Actual title: 'Satanic Verses']
I am seeking a directory of laws that I can break, so that I would be returned to jail for a couple of years.
Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?

Strange But True Newspaper Stories

From The Atlanta Daily

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.

Men are so easy....

From The Guardian Newspaper

Concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:

'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'

British News From the Churchdown Parish Magazine

'Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church labelled 'For The Sick' , is for monetary donations only.' Funny Newpaper correction

From The Daily Telegraph

A piece headed 'Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes':

' ... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels.'

From The Derby Abbey Community News

'We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce.'

From The Gloucester Citizen

'A caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialling an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled, 'Hear Me Moan', the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, 'He got what he deserved.'

--People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news.
AJ Liebling

Bizarre Items Left in Hotel Rooms

An international hotel chain has released information about the bizarre items left in hotel rooms. During 2009 this amounted to the value of some £750,000 [approx. $1,200,00USD].

by Jamie Frevele, The Mary Sue
Mandie Manzano is a Louisiana-based artist who has created these bright, colorful, and rich stained glass-style renderings of various Disney characters, including our favorite Disney princesses. I don’t know about you guys, but stained glass is like the cannoli cake dessert of the art world for me. My eyes cannot get enough and they feel incredibly full and satisfied after looking at them. And that was my impression of an art critic in a comedy sketch. But seriously, see more of these after the jump. Your eyeballs will thank you.

Next time you go to the public toilets you may observe one of the following types of vistors:
Excitable Type
Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.
Sociable Type
Joins pals for a piss whether he wants one or not.
Timid Type
Cannot piss if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.
Noisy Type
Whistles loudly, peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's tool.
Indifferent Type
All urinals being occupied, uses sink.
Clever Type
Pisses without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time.
Vain Type
Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.
Absent-Minded Type
Opens jacket, takes out tie, pisses in pants.
Worried Type
Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while pissing.
Disgruntled Type
Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to piss, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.
Sneaky Type
Drops silent farts while pissing and looks at the bloke next to him.
Sloppy Type
Pisses on shoe, walks out with fly undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later.
Learned Type
Reads a book or newspaper while pissing.
Childish Type
Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while pissing.
Strong Type
Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops.
Drunken Type
Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pisses in trousers.
Embarrassed Type
Covers tool with both hands and pisses through fingers.
Cock-Eyed Type
Stands in one cubical and pisses in next one.

Hey would you want to do a climb for charity with me? Let me know ASAP as I've got to confirm numbers next week. Its at end of September, Check out the pic of the tower we're climbing. Its pretty insane, safety harnesses are supplied. Dates and start time are at the very bottom.

This amazing video, from OLE (The OnLine Engineering) site, has been making the viral rounds this week. It shows a technician with a head-mounted camera climbing a 1768′ tall guided transmission tower. OK, so he takes an elevator most of the way, but those last few hundred feet are almost hard to watch. Terrifying and fascinating/informative at the same time.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

46 year-old Sean O'Brien found himself the target of bullying after he boogied down at a concert. Anonymous online bullies posted the photos below on 4chan, along with the caption "Spotted this specimen trying to dance the other week. He stopped when he saw us laughing."

Luckily for us and humanity, writer Cassandra Fairbanks launched a Twitter campaign in an effort to find #DancingMan so they could fly him to LA and throw him a massive party!

A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.

The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You are not Catholic are you my son?"

"No, I'm Jewish"

"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites".True Comments

It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.

We have enough "youth".
How about a fountain of "smart"?

The original point and click interface
was a Smith & Wesson.

A Fool and his money
can throw one heck of a party

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple.
The other two it's an amusement park.

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.

New Mexico state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO
MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population

"You know why a banana is like a politician?"

"He comes in and first he is green, then he turns yellow and then he's rotten."

"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms, you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors."

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.Confucius Say....

Confucius Say.
Much better to want the mate you do not have
Than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say.
Joke is like sex.
Neither any good if you don't get it.Home Depot

Ken was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Carole if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
Carole agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Carole asked him, “How much is that faucet?”
The manager replied, “That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.”
Carole exclaimed, “My goodness, that's an expensive faucet and certainly out of my price range!”

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Ken had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled, “Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?
Carole shouted back, “No, but I will for the faucet.”
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.Frozen Carburettor Incident:

Canadians often complain about the RCMP, but you rarely hear about the positive things that they do.

Frozen Carburetor Incident:

In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the courtroom. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.

For example, on a bitterly cold winter's day several weeks ago in Northern British Columbia, an RCMP Constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.

"What's the matter?" asked the Policeman.
"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply. "Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I Can't." "OK, Watch me closely and I will show you. "The constable thawed the carburetor as promised.

The bike started and the rider drove off, waving. A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill....."Cardiologist's Funeral

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral.

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry. I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist!'

The minister fainted!Definitions

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.

ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends And is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:

A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round
Or listened to rain slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly’s erratic flight
Or gazed at the sun fading into the night?
You better slow down, don’t dance so fast,
Time is short, the music won’t last.

Do you run through each day on the fly?
When you ask, “How are you?” do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores running through your head?
You better slow down, don’t dance so fast,
Time is short, the music won’t last.

Ever told your child, “We’ll do it tomorrow,”
And in your haste not seen his sorrow?
Ever lost touch, let a good friendship die,
’Cause you never had time to call and say hi?
You better slow down, don’t dance so fast,
Time is short, the music won’t last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere,
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It’s like an unopened gift thrown away.
Life is not a race, so take it slower,
Hear the music before your song is over.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

An old man going a lone highway
Came at the evening, cold and grey,
To a chasm, vast and deep and wide,
Through which was flowing a swollen tide.

The old man crossed in the twilight dim.
That swollen stream held no fears for him,
But he paused when safe on the other side
And built a bridge to span the tide.

“Old man,” said a fellow pilgrim near,
“You’re wasting strength with building here.
Your journey ends with the ending day.
You never again must pass this way.
You’ve crossed this chasm deep and wide.
Why build this bridge at the even’ tide?”

The builder lifted his old grey head,
“Good friend, in the path I have come,” he said,
“There followeth after me today
A youth, whose feet must pass this way.

“This swollen stream that was naught for me,
To that fair-haired youth may a pitfall be.
He too must cross in the twilight dim.
Good friend, I am building the bridge for him.”

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

The snow fell and fell until the government relief agency had to step in and lend a hand.

“It must have been terrible,” said the government man to a farmer. “All that snow.”

“Could have been worse,” calmly answered the farmer. “My neighbor had more snow than me.”

“How’s that?” asked the government man.

“More land,” replied the farmer.

I'll Sue!An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Can a Whale Swallow a Human?

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

7 Word ObituaryAn old lady walked into a newspaper office.

She approached an employee and said that her husband had died and that she would like to have an obituary appear in the paper.

The employee gave her a form and told her to write the obituary on it. She wrote, "Earl W. Worth died Saturday, December 2nd at his home. Services are at The Baptist Church at 3 P.M."

The employee looked at the form and said, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but obituaries are limited to 7 words apiece.

The woman took another form and wrote, "Earl died. '57 Chevy truck for sale."Vocabulary Confusion

A very intelligent boy was fortunate enough to be receiving a far better education than his parents had enjoyed, and his vocabulary far outstripped theirs. One day he came home from school and said “Mommy, may I relate to you a narrative?”

“What’s a narrative, Gerald?” she asked.

“A narrative, Mommy, is a tale.”

“Oh, I see,” said his mother nodding, and Gerald told her his story. At bedtime as he was about to go upstairs he said, “Shall I extinguish the light Mommy?”

“What’s extinguish?” she asked.

“Extinguish means to put out, Mommy,” said brainy Gerald

“Oh, I see. Yes, certainly.”

The next day the clergyman came to tea and the family dog began to make a nuisance of himself, as a dog will, by begging for goodies from the table.

“Gerald,” said his mother, trying to impress... “Take that dog by the narrative and extinguish him!”

Trying to Win a Nobel Prize
A man is driving down a country road when he spots an Antartian standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the Antartian is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the Antartian and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The Antartian replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."One Fat CatA couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Bad MemoriesThree old ladies sit in a diner, discussing their health. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

How Much Did You Pay For That?A man had a nose ring fitted into his nose, a friend asked, "How much did you pay for that?"

"I paid through the nose!" he replied

Toothbrush SalesmanThe top toothbrush salesman at the company was asked by his boss how he managed to sell so many brushes.

He replied "It's easy" and he pulled out his card table, setting his display of brushes on top. He told his boss, I lay the brushes out like this, and then I put out some potato chips and dip to draw in the customers.

He laid out his chips and dip. His boss said, "That's a very innovative approach" and took one of the chips, dipped it, and stuck it in his mouth.

Behind a BushA little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No," her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.

"Yes."

"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'

The Perfect ShotBob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."

"Good lord!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

DecomposingA tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827."

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing."

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About The Wizard...

I was born September 12, 1962 in St. Boniface, MB Canada. I live in Saskatoon, SK. I have one child, a son, of whom I am incredibly proud. I attended Royal school in Charleswood and after a couple of years at St. Paul's High School, I graduated from Shaftesbury High. I attended Red River Community College in Winnipeg and received a certificate in Business Administration, with a Major in Marketing and Management. I attended the University of Manitoba, earning multiple certifications in LAN Administration and industry credentials from Novell, (CNA); Microsoft, (MCP); and CompTia, (A+). February 25, 2002 was an important turning point in my life and I was re-born.

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Dwell not on the past. Use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind. Nothing really matters except what you do now in this instant of time. From this moment onward you can be an entirely different person, filled with love and understanding, ready with an outstretched hand, uplifted and positive in every thought and deed. --Eileen Caddy