Wednesday, September 5

Last night something happened, some words were exchanged and some feelings hurt. It was very minor, but somehow it got on my nerves. I suddenly realised that sometimes even your closest loved-ones don't really understand how you feel...and they can take you for granted. The words spoken were not harsh, but they spoke volumes. It suggested that they didn't have a clue about what I was going through. Just cos I don't talk about certain stuff, that doesn't mean I'm living a cosy life. I have my demons too but I just get by...I somehow survive...cos I have to. Cos what can you do about things that are not within your control? So, I don't talk about such thnigs in the open if I can help it..cos what's the point talking about it if there's nothing you can do about it. So I just survive...no one has to know about certain things in order for me to feel better or even be appreciated. As long as I appreciate myself and my strength to overlook certain things and get on with my life, then that's all that matters. It's just amazing how some people take you for granted...it comes as a total surprise through few words they say or a minor act from them. Then it suddenly hits you that you've been surviving all alone somehow, all the while they have been thinking otherwise. But you can't make people think the way you want them to think. If I can understand their feelings without them having to tell me everything, then it's really their call to try and understand mine too. But I seem to have become a black and white picture that has frozen in time...in their mind. But I don't have to let anyone know certain feelings of mine, cos I already know...that's all that matters. Often survival doesn't allow you to hold hands. Therefore silence is more precious and peaceful than wasted words.

Current Music: Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me by George Michael and Elton John

the only person's thoughts i can control are my own. i think you're in the right frame of mind and are approaching this in a healthy manner. however, if they continue to do it, i would pull-out my paint ball gun and unleash (if parent's are involved, just tell them you're pregnant, you don't know who the father is, and you're going to keep it).

A lot of times the people closest to us are the ones who are most likely to take us for granted. They think they know us completely and stop trying to learn more. Or they don't notice when we or things in our lives change from time to time. Even family members can be that way.

Yes, as long as you appreciate yourself and know who you are, nothing else matters, thats humility as well as strength of character. And with loved ones - it hurts I know, but surely all is understood and forgiven eventually.

Hi,Keshi...we go back to what I always say'You and only you are responsible for your happiness'..and,what you said("As long as I appreciate myself and my strength to overlook certain things and get on with my life, then that's all that matters.")...do what I do-don't have expectations from anyone except yourself,and,you'll always feel happy.From yourself,ensure you keep the highest levels-of determination to not feel let down/taken fro granted,especially,by (hu)man-kind..:).I adopted this strategy 2-3 yrs back and can count the number of times I've been sad,on my fingertips only.:)TC,cheers,cheer up and forge ahead...will mail u..we're there,na,to make things better.:).

Hi,Keshi-at the risk of repetition,let me say'you and only you are responsible for your happiness'.Don't keep high(or any,acc to me)expectations from people,but,from your own self,expect the moon.That's the one way to be happy.Believe me,I implemented it 2-3 years back,and,can now count the number of days I was sad,on my fingertips.:)So,cheer up,smile,tc and have a great day.For the rare times when you feel sad,we are there to cheer u up,na?:)

im soo sorry ure not having a good one today. ure last sentence "silence is more precious and peaceful than wasted words' its hard for me to understand that sometimes.. just cause i tend to blow off steam BY YELLING. but i yell empty words, nothing that i feel or nothing thats actually good. i know its not productive, but im trying to change.

usually im a lone survivor, cause i always feel like people in my family just dont get me..

Hi keshi,sad when such misunderstandings happen, esp so with loved ones.I certainly think you are showing a remarkable strength of character by your attitude. No use feeling sorry for your self or allowing anyone else to.

we do have to communicate though -since even those who love us can misunderstand our silence- as effectively as possible, but theres only so much we can say and its upto others to receive it.Im sure you are wise and all, and know where to draw the limit.

it might be true that many of your friends take you for granted but look at how many dont.. look right here in the blog world keshi=)and no i havent disappeared just dreading something tomorrow.. will post on it later

I am a firm believer that you gotu run your course by yourself at sometime. I feel doing it by yourself is no let down of any sorts. As for as people trying to understand you within the family, you cannot always get that. I mean adults within the roof, so many difference in opinion can't help. All that matters is letting the water go under the bridge. Also that like my mate Aditi said look at your blogger world. You have some good and lovely mates. Just vent it out we would be one of those listening and consoling without saying anything harsh =)

On a funny note, being lone is great except for sex acts =) so there you go.

sometimes even parents say hurtful things and ur left wondering how they could say that, shouldn't they understand their kid...but that's how it is...in the end,people know us only by the emotions we choose to display, not by the ones that lie buried inside ua..cheer up girlie!

You know sometimes, positive happy people are exprected to be that way ALL the time.Many do not realise that the 'positive happy people' have their down moments too.THEY expect YOU to be cheerful, happy-go-lucky, enthusiastic like you always were..They don't understand that sometimes you feel totally lost too.And you dont feel like sharing everything all the time.I could relate to this--because on my down days, people just cannot relate.They have always seen me as buvvly,jovial,talkitive.Sometimes one just wants to be very quiet and wants everything to disappear!Hugs.

Keshi, I totally agree. Either in relationship or even your best friends sometimes do hurt unintentionally. Well even after we know each other, some times few words r hard to digest coz we do not like to hear form the people who love us. Its not taking it for granted keshi. Its basically, they show their aggressive beahvior when they r unable to hurt someoneelse and throw it on their loved ones. It can be hard to digest. But I think they will realize their mistakes once they come to sense.

Till then, atleast someone shud better walk off quiet to let them understnad you very well.

To be "in line" with yourself is difficult, the first ever lasting struggle. ... and we all have our moods. If you then have some "reserve" for others, that's wonderful and I believe you have a lot of that! But, don't "expect" anything, then you will of course often be disappointed. But, also, don't forget that the others have the same problems as you - and may have their moods. So, try to forgive!

Thanks for the music, I adore. That would have been a concert to attend!

but then... I dont take my feelings seriously... Yeah... what the fuck will happen if I am hurt... by their words... The world doesn't end right... It pains at that moment only if you let it get to ya!

I don't take somethings into my ears... even if it gets in accidentally, I let it right through out, from my other ear... :P

True... Silence is Precious...And they do understand, that their actions were indeed damaging, when my answer is nothing but silence!

I can understand that these things really hurt...but there in no ones control on these things...better to forget and move forward/ahead...

now plz smile Keshi...:)

yeah,1 mre thing...I don't understand since last 3-4 days, ur comment page is not allowing me to put my comments there in the comment box...even today also, somehow, I could manage to get it straight..god knows...

Keshi, sorry for you. It happens almost with everyone, in every phase of life. You will be better if can accept it easily. I don’t keep expectation from anyone, not even from my near and dears, not even from the fortune. Its only because whatever happens, happens for good and if it is not still good just believe in the phase “Destiny is unavoidable”. But I know, its easy to say, tough to face. Sometime it pains a lot, but anyway life has to move, we cant help controlling everything, so just keep smiling :-)

Hey Keshi, I know exactly wht u r sayn becoz u knw wut, I have felt tht way so many times ..... I don't know whether it has got anything to do with my zodiac (I am a cancerian btw) but they used to affect me a lot esp coming frm family or loved ones ....

but then u knw Keshi, I brooded, brooded and brooded and I got tired of it ..... not becoz I accepted it but becoz I realised tht I loved them too much and irrespective of wht they say I can never stop loving them even for a second ....

and even though people dont say enough but we know for sure who loves and who loves us not ..... so I started not expecting anything in return .... I still love them when I go thru these small times, becoz they r too irrelevant in the bigger pic, if someone whom I dont love .... I really dont care ....

Have u seen the hindi movie Mohabbatein .... SRK has a beautiful dialogue in the film ... "Maine Mohabbat karne se pehle yeh to shart to nahi rakhi thi ki woh bhi mujhse mohabbat karegi, yeh shart to nahi rakhi thi ki woh mujhse jyada jiyegi" .... trnsl ..(I had not expected love or set the expectation that she will live more than me) .......

Really I expect so little in return these days expect frm myself (call me selfish if u want to .... but it lets me stay happy and strong even when alone or with people I love)

this makes me think of when shit hit the fan in my life back in late 2004 early 2005.

One of my friends at the time encouraged for me to move in with him. he was a good friend i thought. i packed my bags with my tail in between my legs and moved from Los Angeles back to DC. My boyfriend at the time, C, was the main culprit of all the bad happenings. My heart was ripped out. I even told my friend who I moved in with that there were times that I spent screaming in the house when I was alone to deal with the pain. For the 7 months I lived there, he did not once asked me how I was doing. Not once did he ask me what was going on, what did C do.. I didn't have a job. My closest friends vanished whom I thought would be there for this 1 time.

I remember close to when I moved out, me and my ex-friend were driving and quickly mentioned C in passing. That was when he asked me "so have u talked to C?" I said no and that was that.

after all of this, one of the few people who I thought would be there for me simply asked me had i talked to C. I told you months ago I was screaming with tears in the house when no one was around. not once did you ask me what was going on, is there anything i can do to comfort you...

going through all of that helped me realize the strength I had to make it through the most horrible pain I have dealt with to this date. I dealt with it with no one. no one supported me emotionally which is what I needed the most at that time. every thing came crashing down, my dreams, my love, my finances, my sanity everything....

it's a harsh moment the moment you realize that the one person who you thought would understand you and be with you is not that person...

maybe it's our fault for creating a visage for this person when that person showed signs all along they were not who we created them to be or maybe they were once that person but changed....

i don't know....your strength is what is going to have to take you through this....

it's sad that i am more closed than before and you may be even more so now but don't let this person ruin all that you have in you....

smile sweets... :)

it's wednesday...HUMP day....

go find you a lad to rub yourself on...someone who's of LEGAL age MISSY!

Its not so much of a bad time...it's like they dun see what Im dealing with...and how bravely I handle some situations. And when ur strength is undervalued, by the very ppl u thought wud know ya, it hurts.

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Radha ty!

** Lifes too short to brood over minor things

I know but u cant just ignore some ppl's words can ya..:) cos it matters to me how my loved-ones see me. or does it anymore.

I broke that rule long time ago and Im paying for that now..heavily. Its too late to go bak.

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PS ty!

**.THEY expect YOU to be cheerful, happy-go-lucky, enthusiastic like you always were..They don't understand that sometimes you feel totally lost too.

Spot on! thats exactly wut I meant. thats why I said they see me as a black n white pic frozen in time...cos they always expect me to be this ONE HAPPY PERSON. But they dun realise we all hv our struggles n that ppl change...

You're like me in a lot of ways. I'm often the one there for everyone, always making sure my friends are ok, and then, when it's ME that needs a bit of TLC I have to spell it out or ask for it, and I don't want to ask for it, I want it to be offered.

With the exception of one friend, Kylie, who is more like my soul sister than friend, everyone else seems to take my care and attention for granted.

It gets me down sometimes but then, I'm the one offering it, it's my choice and I can't expect people to read my mind, right?

Sometimes people say things at the spur of the moment not thinking about the repercussions of the statement on the other person. Maybe they dont mean it when they say it but then impulse gets the better of their rational thinking.

Its best to put such things in a back-burner and look forward. If they're your closest loved ones, I'm sure they'll come around and also maybe you should forget about it and not read too much into it.

Thats what I tend to do, but this special privilege is enjoyed only by very few closest loved ones.

Hmm... Keshi you are right! It is very difficult for people, even the ones that you are close to, to empathize completely. But heres my two cents - Let them be! It hurts but why react more to the hurting statement and hurt ourselves in the process?

About Me

Music seems to adore me as it keeps reaching my ears...guitars and cars...friends I cannot be without...poems, life, ocean, people...these are some things I simply love. This is my personal e-diary...if anything I blurt out here hurts anyone, my sincere apologies in advance. What I write here are my deepest thoughts that I hardly discuss with people close to me in real. These are my conversations with my mind and the walls who sometimes have better listening powers than humans. But ofcourse I value everyone's views and I intend to grow from them, so you're most welcome to express yourselves here.
Life is too short so I try to 'live' longer every day...and yes one day at a time.
Knowledge is power hence people have been the source of that power in me...I thank them always.