The Breastfeeding Diaries: Jessica from Better Together and Forever

Good Morning Everyone!! My name is Jessica and I blog over at Better Together and Forever! I am so thankful for Julie allowing me share my story of breastfeeding. I found hers and other’s stories on The Breastfeeding Diaries so helpful while I was pregnant and wanted to share my own story.

Mommy and Luke – 3 Months Old

If you would have asked me 2 years ago if I would breastfeed, I would have laughed and said no. It wasn’t until my husband and I began to try for a baby that I became more informed in breastfeeding and I then decided that I was going to breastfeed. Everyone told me how hard it would be, but that made me even more determined that I was going to breastfeed. Once I became pregnant, I began to be even more interested in breastfeeding and how the whole process worked. I read blogs, I read books, I took a breastfeeding class and brought along my husband with me, and I even joined my “Birth Club” on Babycenter.com to learn more about breastfeeding.

On Friday, September 12th, 2014, my son Luke Andrew was born in this world at 2:10 AM after 18 hours of labor. I told my nurses that I wanted to do skin to skin immediately after birth and then try to breastfeed him before we allowed visitors in the room. Thankfully Luke was born with no medical complications and I was able to accomplish skin to skin and breastfeeding.

Mommy and Luke doing skin to skin immediately after birth

My family

My first try at breastfeeding went way better than I expected. The nurse helped me latch Luke on and he did great! After a feeding and his first bath, I decided to send Luke to the nursery so that I could get a couple hours of sleep. He was brought back in to me at 7 AM and I felt like a new woman.

At 25 hours of age, your baby goes through the newborn testing. The nurse and I spoke about when to take Luke for his testing. We agreed that after his feeding at 1 AM that I would call her and she would take him to the nursery for the testing. He came back to me about an hour later and the nurse told me how it went, but to honest, I don’t remember what she said because I was just so tired! I awoke around 7 AM and asked the nurse again what she said. She told me that his bili-rubin level was elevated and the pediatrician would be checking on Luke to find out if he needed to lie under the lights to get rid of the bili-rubin. Around 8 AM I fed Luke and he was then taken to the nursery to “sun tan”. He could only be in my room to nurse and then was taken back to the nursery to drink some formula and go back under the lights. At that moment, I knew that nursing Luke would start to become difficult. I tried to feed Luke a bottle of formula but he just wasn’t having it. The nurse told me that sometimes babies don’t want to take a bottle from a mother who is breastfeeding.

You can see Luke’s “raccoon eyes” here from suntanning.

Breastfeeding with Mommy

Two ounce bottle after breastfeeding.

This was the first bottle that Luke took from me.

We were suppose to be allowed to go home on Sunday but because Luke’s bili-rubins levels were too high and they wanted him on the lights overnight once again. Because I was breastfeeding, the nurses were able to find an open room for me to stay. I was officially discharged at midnight and no longer a patient, but I had a room to stay and be with my son. The nurses would bring him into my room to feed and I would take him back to the nursery. I cried to my husband that night that I felt like he wasn’t mine and I had to give him back.

Monday afternoon we were given the green light to take our baby boy home, but with our very own portable bili-bed. The bili-bed became a constant pain to have to drag around the house with us. He was to be on the light unless he was eating or needed a diaper change. So needless to say, breast feeding on top of the stupid bili-bed/blil-blanket became a challenge, but I was determined to make it work.

Bili-bed at home with Luke

Day Two of being home and we were sent the bilk-blanket instead of the bili-bed.

This allowed us to be able to hold Luke more than we could than with the bili-bed.

My routine looked like the following: change Luke’s diaper, nurse Luke on both sides, give him a bottle (around 2 ounces of formula), lie baby back on lights, pumped both sides for 20 minutes at a time. Start routine over every 2 hours. We also were to take Luke every 2 days to the hospital to get his blood drawn to check his hemoglobin levels.

Another blood draw

My pump stash after a couple weeks.

I wasn’t producing a lot of milk but at least I was producing some!

16 days after Luke was born we did yet another blood test. The results came back that afternoon and a phone call from our pediatrician scared us. We were to take Luke to the ER for additional testing. You can read about that experience here. Luke eventually received 2 blood transfusions (one in his left hand and another in his scalp) and we still were breastfeeding and formula feeding at the time.

Nursing Luke in ER #1 that night.

Nursing baby during our overnight stay at the Children’s hospital.

Baby napping in the crib at the Children’s Hospital

Blood Transfusion #1 in his left hand

Blood Transfusion #2 in his scalp

On our way home after Blood Transfusion #2 and fell asleep holding onto Mommy’s finger.

Eventually the stress of Luke’s anemia and blood disorder became too much to handle and I decided to throw in the towel with breastfeeding. He started to realize that he could get his food faster from the bottle than breastfeeding and that I wasn’t a substantial source of food for him. November 12, 2014, was the last time I breastfed Luke. I was sad but knew it was time to end our breastfeeding journey. I even had my husband take a photo of the last feeding. Strange I’m sure, but it was a way for me to document this journey for me.

Last time breastfeeding

In the end, I am SO proud of myself for sticking with breastfeeding, even if it was for 2 months. Do I wish that I stuck with breastfeeding for my original goal of 1 year? Yes, of course, but I made the best decision for me and my son. I tried to up my water intake, I tried taking a ton of fenugreek, I ate oatmeal and I drank Mother’s Milk tea. None of it made the difference and stress took over. Formula is fine for my little guy and he is thriving. Today at 6 months of age he is 19 pounds and 29 inches long. He is the happiest little guy and smiles on cue when I say “cheese” with my camera. All I ever wanted was the best for Luke and even without breastfeeding, Luke is still getting all the nutrition that he needs and that is all I ask for.

We love stroller walks!

Luke – 6 Months Old

Be sure to catch up with the rest of the Breastfeeding Diaries at the top of my navigation bar.

Comments

You certainly should be proud of yourself. Dealing with a sick/hospitalized newborn is a tremendous stress. While exclusive breastfeeding for the first 6 months is the current recommendation, every drop of breatsmilk you provide for your baby is extremely beneficial. You did a great job and you have a sweet and healthy little boy!

What a stressful time for your family, but it is obvious that Luke is thriving from those beautiful pictures of his happy smile. I am so glad you were able to breastfeed, but also that you knew when it was better to stop for your stress level. Your son is just gorgeous. Congratulations!

The Breastfeeding Diaries: Jessica from Jessica Lynn Writes

Hello! I’m Jessica and I blog over at Jessica Lynn Writes. I’m a military wife originally from New Mexico, but we’re currently digging some roots into Georgia’s red clay. My husband is gearing up for his sixth deployment this summer, and he’s leaving me and our 15-month-old daughter, Julia, behind to hold down the fort (wish us luck!). I’ve been drawn to the Breastfeeding Diaries for the past year, and couldn’t wait to share my tale in case it could help someone. The fact that I’m still breastfeeding my daughter is something that simply amazes me, especially because of the hoops we had to jump through early on.

Here’s my story:

“Are you going to breastfeed?”

That was one of the first things people asked me shortly after they realized I was pregnant. There was more information on base (where I delivered my baby in Italy) about breastfeeding classes and breastfeeding support groups than there was on the actual pregnancy and labor. I couldn’t wrap my head around the breastfeeding classes (how hard could it be?) or the support groups (do they all just sit around and breastfeed together?), because I figured it’d just come naturally. That’s what I heard, after all, about how natural the act of breastfeeding is. During the 42 weeks that I was pregnant, I never once heard one single positive thing about formula; it was always breast is best.

Even Italians asked me if I was going to breastfeed. They’d point to their own breasts and then say “latte?” My answer to everyone’s inevitable question above was that “yes, of course I would breastfeed”…I truly didn’t see what the big deal was.

And then my daughter was born.

She was born a perfectly healthy 9 lb, 2 oz, but by day three, when we left the hospital, she was down almost a whole pound. My milk slowly came in around four days after I gave birth, but I never really felt full and the only time I leaked was when I took a nap and was smashing my left boob. We had to go back for a weight check when she was five days old (it was a standard “two-day” check up) and found that she was down another ounce, weighing in at 8 lb, 4 ounces. This caused some concern since my milk was already in. I met with a lactation consultant, who suggested we come in two days later for another weight check. On that Friday, Julia was officially one week old and up two ounces to 8lb, 6 oz. I jumped for joy at the gain, but it wasn’t enough of a gain for them, so they asked us to go home, enjoy the weekend and come back on Monday. If she didn’t gain enough then, they said, we’d have to figure something out to get her weight up more.

Before she was born everyone told me I’d be lucky if we got out of the house in the first month, but by day seven, we had only spent one full day at home. Exhausted doesn’t even come close to explaining those first couple weeks. I was also stressed. Actually, I was beyond stressed: my hormones were all over the place, I was sleep deprived, my breasts were sore from nursing non-stop, I was apparently having issues feeding my daughter, and on top of that, I was having complications from labor, so I was in major pain down there almost all the time.

The lactation consultant, Molly, was an angel, and Jennifer, who was part of a New Parent Support Program was so helpful. Jennifer came to my house and watched how Julia ate in our own environment, and Molly was my advocate since I was in a new mom haze; she was actually the one who suggested that the doctor to give me more time to work on nursing. She suggested I start pumping to try to increase my milk. I was feeding Julia around the clock. Our regime looked something like this: nurse (one side, then the other), pump, rest for a whole 3 minutes or so, and then repeat it all. It was tiring.

Molly, Jennifer, and the doctors weren’t sure why she wasn’t gaining enough weight, but my theory was (and still is) that I was too stressed. That, combined with not recovering well and constantly going to base (30 minutes from home each way) every day, were just not good combinations when you have a new baby! Everyone told me I wouldn’t leave the house those first few weeks, but it was the complete opposite. I was past the point of exhausted and my stress/worry levels were absolutely elevated.

Monday rolled around and I felt pretty positive about her weight check. My high hopes dropped when I saw the number on the scale: 8lb, 6oz. She didn’t gain a single thing. At that point, I was too tired to cry. The nurse didn’t say anything, but left the room to consult with the doctor. She came back in and told us we’d have to start supplementing. Without even thinking about it I said, “no,” and asked for some other options. They gave us two more days to get more of a significant gain and then we’d talk about our options.

Salud! (around three months old—her dad dressed her!)

A whopping two days later, after breastfeeding around the clock, she gained a whole ounce. Despite the fact that she was gaining weight, just slowly, they presented their options. Through tears, I heard the words “formula” and “supplement” and felt so much guilt right at that very moment that I could hardly breathe.

I was beyond devastated, and the tears I’d been holding back for the past two weeks broke free. They handed me a small travel-sized bottle of formula with two ounces in it and suggested I try giving it to her. With hot alligator-sized tears streaming down my face, I held my daughter as she gulped down food. She finished it so fast it was like she had never had food before in her tiny little life, which is exactly why I immediately felt like a failure.

I felt like I failed at providing my daughter with the one thing she needed to survive. I could smother her with all the love in the world and protect her with all my might, but I had the one thing she actually needed to survive and I couldn’t provide enough of what she needed. My body carried her and did exactly what it needed to do for almost 10 months and produced a perfect nine-pound, two-ounce baby girl, and then it failed. It failed at the one additional thing it needed to do. I was hurt and sad and frustrated and felt so much freaking guilt that all I could do was cry, look her in her huge grey eyes, and tell her how sorry I was. Watching her drink that formula hurt so much, because I could see how much she needed it.

The hot tears stained my face during that appointment. Molly, the God-send that she was, knew how much I wanted to breastfeed and knew I didn’t want to give up that easily. She suggested that instead of giving Julia formula in a bottle, we could use a supplemental nursing system (SNS) that would help increase my supply while giving the baby what she needs. An SNS is a bottle that you wear around your neck and is attached with an itty-bitty tube. The tube is placed right up against the mom’s nipple, and when the baby sucks, she gets milk along with a little formula at the same time. My baby was getting her first mixed drink at just two weeks old!

Formula drunk 🙂

After I saw her respond to the formula I was game to try this approach. The doctor and lactation consultant sent me home with a bag full of goodies and I got to work feeding her. Using an SNS is extremely tricky (and that’s putting it nicely) and there were more than a handful of times that I wanted to throw it against the wall (or at someone) or ditch it all together, but it worked. I liked knowing that she was at least getting two ounces (or however much I put in the bottle) at each feeding, along with whatever my body produced.

Little Julia’s a smart cookie, though, and after a few weeks of using the SNS, she started to catch on and would pull the tube out—she didn’t want anything getting in the way of her and her boob. We struggled back and forth to get her to take it, but it got to the point where I stopped using it and would just feed her formula from a bottle after she nursed at the breast.

around seven months

During those weeks my nursing regime went from crazy to ridiculous: Every three hours (beginning from when she first started eating) I would nurse on one side, burp her, set up the SNS, nurse her with the SNS, burp her, give up on the SNS, feed her the rest with a bottle, then I’d pump (and the pump I had was broken so I had to pump each side individually). Cue more exhaustion. I longed to just hold my baby and felt myself being envious of my husband and mom, since they got to hang out with her when she wasn’t literally attached to me.

My husband tried feeding her the bottle, but no matter how many times we tried that route, she just refused it from him when he tried. By the time I finished, it was time to start all over again. Luckily after a few weeks, she started taking less and less from the bottle. It was a huge victory in my book, and the best part is that she actually started gaining more weight, which made the doctor happy.

The lactation consultant suggested told me to stop pumping around this time. Despite the constant pumping, I wasn’t producing more than an ounce or two a day (total) from pumping, so she suggested I stop so I could relax a little more. (Whenever I’d get an an ounce I’d feed it to her instead of the formula so she could have more breast milk). We determined that Julia had a poor suck, so she wasn’t getting as much milk as I had, and I also had a low supply, triggered by hypoplasia. The combination of the two wasn’t helpful. Around this time I also started taking a small dose of Domperidone—a medicine sold in Europe with a side effect that helps increase breast milk—and Goat’s Rue to help rebuild breast tissue.

After I started the Domperidone and Goat’s Rue I saw a dramatic increase in my milk supply. I felt somewhat engorged and I also started pumping more during each session (around 2-3 ounces). After awhile, I started feeding Julia less and less formula since I could supplement with more milk. At each weight check (it was weekly or every other week at this point), she kept gaining enough weight to satisfy everyone. Slowly but surely, she also started getting fat on her little bones. She’s reached every milestone for her age group (even during those early days) and she has always been one of the most alert babies I’ve ever been around.

Exclusively
breastfeeding. She hates being covered up and we don’t use a cover
anymore, but that was one of my first times breastfeeding her in public.
I was so excited that I asked a friend to take a picture.

Finally, around three and a half months, I started to exclusively breastfeed Julia. I was pumping enough to stop supplementing with formula, and would give her extra breast milk in a bottle instead. She would still only take a bottle from me, but that was a small price to pay after such a long battle.

While I was pregnant, people asked me if I planned on breastfeeding. It was a no-brainer in my book…of course I would breastfeed her. I knew I’d do it, and even though I heard it could be hard, I didn’t think it could be that hard. But now I get it, because it is hard—so much harder than I ever expected, and if I didn’t have people supporting me (my husband, my mom, Molly, Jennifer, etc.) I never, ever would’ve made it.

I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to throw in the towel. I was beaten down and literally shed blood, sweat, and tears, working at it. As dramatic as this sounds, I truly didn’t think I could go on, but I’m glad I pushed through it. Breastfeeding is now one of my absolute favorite things to

do in the entire world, but it also taught me that formula isn’t evil. I wish I learned that earlier on. Breastmilk may be “the best,” but it’s by no means the only thing you can give your baby. Formula is out there for a reason and I’m so thankful for it. I hate that there’s so much pressure to only breastfeed your baby and that women feel guilty for giving their child formula. You should never feel guilty for feeding your child!

If someone would have told me during those early days that I’d still be breastfeeding my daughter at 15 months old I would have laughed in their face. Actually, I would have cried, thinking they were playing a joke on me. But here we are, 15 months in, and I’m just now starting to think about weaning her since she’s taking less and less during each nursing session. My advice to new moms (and to myself for our next child) is to trust your gut, relax, have a good support system in place, and if you really want to breastfeed, work at it and don’t give up!

I know that was a bit long, so thanks for taking the time to read it all! I’d love to chat with you more on my blog! Thanks again for reading 🙂

Be sure to catch up with the rest of the Breastfeeding Diaries at the top of my navigation bar!

Comments

I love your story! My second babe is ten weeks old and I have/had many of the same low supply/weight loss issues you shared. I cried (and cried) when I saw the scale in those first couple of weeks, knowing I wasn't providing him what he needed. I'm still breastfeeding and pumping, but supplementing about 1/4 of his diet with formula. You're right…it isn't the devil and I wish society didn't make us feel so bad about giving our babes formula. Thanks for sharing your inspiring story. 🙂

The Breastfeeding Diaries: Jessica from The Journey of Autumn

Hello! I’m Jessica from The Journey of Autumn. I’m a first time mama to my sweet little, Autumn Jane, born in October 2012. I blog about this new journey my fiance and I are on with Autumn and everything in between…the good, the bad and the fun. Autumn was born via C-Section due to her Frank Breech position. Everything went amazingly well and we have a happy, healthy baby.

I’ve been following Julie’s blog and absolutely fell in love with her ‘Breastfeeding Diaries’ series. What a great idea for new mama’s to get breastfeeding support! I approached Julie with my story of pumping exclusively because I feel it’s an important one to share. When I was looking for support from other exclusively pumping mama’s, it was hard to find. My breastfeeding story wasn’t ideal, but I think it’s a reality for many mama’s.

I approached breastfeeding with childlike enthusiasm. It was always an obvious choice for me to breastfeed and honestly couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t breastfeed. It was the healthy, natural approach and I couldn’t imagine feeding my baby formula. I took a few classes, read some books and talked to friends about their experiences. I really thought it would just come naturally and pretty much thought I had it in the bag.

Well I was quite shocked when the baby came and my milk did not. The first few hours were great. Our doula helped Autumn latch right away and what a relief that was. Well that was probably the first and the last time things went right. I was nursing her round the clock but she began to lose weight. We had the doula’s and the lactation consultants visit us several times while in the hospital. We tried everything to get her to latch properly! You name it, I tried it. Due to my being very swollen, my milk not coming in, extreme pain when she latched and a very high pallet in Autumn’s mouth, we weren’t getting a good latch. I continued to nurse her every hour and a half. This made for an extremely tired mama and a very sleepy baby. I always heard stories about milk coming in and how it was painful and being a huge gush. Well I never had that. I’m not really even sure when my milk came in.

At her one week post birth appointment, we discovered she was still losing weight. I was adamant about not giving her formula, but at this point I was not going to let my baby go hungry and she was not getting what she needed from me. She guzzled down a few bottles in no time! We immediately went to the lactation consultants. There we discovered she was only getting about an ounce from me on both sides after nursing for a while. We were told to continue on the same route of breastfeeding, bottle feeding then pumping. This was an exhausting process which took almost an hour. I’d have a half hour break then would have to do it all over again.

We did the routine of nursing, bottle and pumping for about a month and a half. Autumn was getting to the point where she was just getting frustrated while nursing because she wasn’t getting enough and would end up crying and fussing until she had a bottle. After much internal debating, fretting and guilt, I decided to stop breastfeeding her directly. I continued to pump though. She was getting the majority of her feedings from breastmilk and the remaining portion from soy formula (we discovered she has a milk allergy after what we thought was colic). The decision to stop nursing was incredibly difficult. I felt like I had failed as a mother, I was angry at my body and the whole breastfeeding process. I also felt guilty for giving Autumn formula and for feeling relieved that I no longer was breastfeeding. Once I stopped, I was afraid I would lose that bonding time with her but to this day we snuggle just as much as we did before!

In the midst of all our latching issues, I was also having supply issues. I went to the lactation consultant (we got to know these ladies very well!) and my OB who prescribed me some medication that helped while I was on it. I also tried everything under the sun to get my supply up…lactation cookies, Mother’s Milk herbs, teas, fenugreek, the list goes on and on. The only thing that really seemed to help was the anti-nausea prescription but I did not want that to be a permanent solution. Pumping exclusively did not help my supply issues either. As Autumn grew, my supply dwindled and we were giving her more and more formula.

I pumped exclusively until Autumn was almost six months old. I was pumping 5-6 times a day for about 20 minutes and would yield about 1-2.5 ounces at each session. I figured it was better than nothing so I continued to pump. As time went on and my already low supply continued to drop, I became increasingly frustrated at the process. It was a huge time commitment and began to wear me down. Had I been getting more milk, I would have continued to pump. However, towards the end I was barely getting maybe 1.5 ounces in a day. Again, I went through the agonizing guilt and internal turmoil, but ultimately decided it was time to retire my breastpump.

Our breastfeeding journey was a difficult one. I far underestimated just how difficult it would be. Although it was hard, I am happy and proud that Autumn was able to have breastmilk for as long as she did. I felt such a huge relief once I was done pumping and felt very guilty about that. But I was also happier when I was done. You know what they say, happy mama, happy house!

While my journey was not ideal, I learned a lot from it. As much as you plan, anticipate and hope for, some things (especially when it comes to kids!) are out of your control. I know I tried my very best to breastfeed Autumn and pumped as long as I feasibly could, but sometimes nature has other plans for you. We have a healthy and very happy little girl and that is the only thing that matters! So to other mama’s out there who have had a similar experience or just difficulties breastfeeding, get outside help from lactation consultants, have a good support system around and most importantly don’t be too hard on yourself.

A big thanks to Julie for letting me share my story and for creating such a wonderful venue to share with other mama’s!

Comments

What an open and honest portrayal of what so many mama's go through, thank you for sharing. I was fortunate enough to have success with nursing but so many of my mum friends haven't, and seeing them deal with the feelings of being a failure were just heartbreaking. They were trying and therefore not failing. You did a wonderful job and Autumn looks to be thriving because of your hard decisions. Thank you for sharing xx

Hey there! Welcome to The Girl in the Red Shoes. I’m Julie, wife to Jon, and mama to three little redheads: Hudson, Sadie, & Annabelle. I LOVE celebrating the little things, chasing around my crazy crew, over-posting on Instagram, and blogging about daily life, keeping it real, and all things motherhood. So happy you’re here!