Expat Brat: An alien in every culture

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I’ve been in and out of mid-length relationships for the last 10 years, which is surprising really, because I am a HORRIBLE flirt. Maybe that is why I am such a bad flirt. I missed all those years of getting that adolescent awkwardness out of the way, and now I’m as good at flirting as Lindsay Lohan is at not snorting Cocaine. *Bazinga! – you may applaud my pop-culture reference*

Truth is, I’m 24 and 4 fifths and I got no game.

No no friends, don’t try to console me and say:

“Paris, what are you saying!? You’ve got plenty of game!” because you see me talking to dudes.

Because what you are confusing for game is tits. Tits, my friends – will only get you so far.

These aren’t all about me BTW (mkayyyy most of them are) but if you’re doing the below, you’re probably alone and single and crying softly into one of those Japanese arm pillows I know you have.

6. Oh you seem to like me? Let me overanalyze ever word of your one word text with 15 of my closest friends.It took me two hours to craft the response “good thanks, you?” when you asked how my day was going. It’s cool. I have a Masters of Creative Writing you know.

5. You’re texting me asking me how I’m “doin” at 11.37pm and I reply with a really long wordy response. (Also are you secretly Joey from Friends?)
I’m so glad you texted guy I met one time at a bar, because I was really looking to offload and couldn’t get to sleep. Hey! Why aren’t you writing back? You did ask.

4. Hey, let me hit on with a really off-colour joke/sexual proposition as my opening line.
What? Why are you making that face and walking away? It worked like, 2 years ago?

3. I’m a bit drunk and I’m pretty sure at this point I’m the best dancer in the room. Check out my moves.
And pose, and pose and double dream handssssPOSE.

2. We’ve been on like 4 dates.
Aren’t we dating now? Let me text you 50 times so you know I have no friends AND no game.

1. I drunk dialled you waaaaay too soon before it was cute. Whoops-giggle-hee-hee
Seeeeeeeyou never bitch. Delete.

Men (and women) of the world, be patient with those of us that seem like we should know better. Maybe we do and we’re just awful people, or maybe we haven’t had much practise and this is us attempting to become more worldly/better game players*.

* I should point out that I think playing games during dating is stupid and Juvenile and should be avoided. AhhhhnnnnnND that is why tonight I’m paying for my own damn dinner.