Convincing Him to Get Rid of His Stuff When You Move in Together

Moving in together means melding two household's worth of stuff into one. Both of you will inevitably need to purge some, or many, items to fit comfortably into one home. While this may sound simple enough, it often turns into an emotional minefield where you're afraid to step on his toes, but absolutely can't stand your new home looking like his man-cave took over the entire domicile. Convincing him to get rid of his stuff, however, will take some tactful negotiation, sprinkled with a few compromises (from both of you) and a whole lot of patience.

What Not to Do

Along with a long list of things you should do to encourage him to get rid of some of his stuff, there's also a corresponding list of what not to do. One of them is nagging. Constantly harassing him to get rid of this or that will only harm your relationship. This includes making not-so-subtle hints about it. It won't endear you to him. Nobody wants to live with a shrew.

However, here's the biggest NO -- don't throw his stuff out and hope he either doesn't notice or gets over it. This can put an end to your new living arrangement quickly. Plus, just because you don't like something of his, doesn't mean it doesn't have deep, sentimental value to him. Maybe those rusty old signs he calls vintage and you call crap, used to hang in his deceased (grand)father's gas station or the "ugly" quilt on his foot locker was sewn by his (grand)mother who passed away. Throwing out an irreplaceable memento won't just result in hurt feelings, he may never forgive you for doing it. You'll lose his trust and moving in together may become an impossible reality. If you want your relationship to work and build a home you can both be proud of, try more tactful approaches.

Rocky Road to Pre-Marital Bliss

Besides being sensitive to his emotional attachment to certain things, there's a variety of tactics you can use to convince him to part with other items. First, realize it's a two-way street and you must be willing to also give up some of your belongings. If he's the only one making sacrifices, he may start to resent giving up the things he loves, then resent you for making him do it. Go slow, be gentle and pick your battles wisely.

Making decisions about what stay and what goes is an emotional process. Instead of starting by criticizing things, start out on a positive note. Choose things from each other's belongings that you both love and want to keep. When you come to a point of contention, practice restraint. Restrain yourself from slandering an item until you understand it's sentimental value. If it's a piece handed down for generations, then you may have to agree to disagree and find some way to compromise.

Handle compromises and differences of opinion gently. Empathize with your partner over his love of an object you dislike. Then, state the reasons why you think it doesn't work in your combined home, in a nonjudgmental way. If it's not a family heirloom, suggest having the piece refinished, recovered or repainted to help it blend better with the other decor. If none of this works, compromise by putting a questionable item in an out of the way place or in his personal area.

Put It in Storage

When all else fails, consider renting a storage unit. When there are things he (or you) can't stand to part with that simply don't fit after moving in together, this can be a viable option. However, you should see this as a temporary solution, not a long-term plan for hoarding things you don't use. However, it's often a great way to get questionable items out of the house for a while, and maybe in their absence, he'll decide he really doesn't need them. Making him get rid of everything right from the start is hard, but convincing him to store some stuff, is often a much easier task. This gives him time to adjust to the new living arrangement with less pressure on losing his precious possessions. Once the dust settles, go back through the stored items together and re-evaluate their usefulness. Again, you may have to keep an open-mind, because there may still be certain things he wants to bring home, instead of getting rid of them as you'd hoped.

Moving in together is a major milestone in a relationship. Convincing him to get rid of his stuff shouldn't turn into a full-blown war. A happy living arrangement is one in which you're both comfortable and feel at home in your new surroundings. This means finding a mutually satisfying way to merge households without resorting to a screaming match over every single item.