Friday, July 15, 2011

Fat Day(s)

You know when you have a day when your pants feel just a little too snug, your waistline seems to hang uncomfortably over your jeans and no matter what angle you see your arms they're a little bigger than you'd prefer?

I've had about 30 days straight of this.

Caught myself in the mirror while cleaning on Saturday. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry.

It's important to clarify that fat days don't mean you think you're fat. It's more of a horrible, uncomfortable, shameful feeling. I do not want any comments telling me I'm NOT fat, I don't need to worry, blahblahblah. Because we all know that nothing anyone says takes away from a fat day. My skinniest friends have these days. It's real. Tell me this happens to you. Lie to me.

When the feeling initially started about a month ago I decided to try what my friend did at her doctor's appointment. I went in for a yearly exam and when the doctor asked if I had any questions, I asked if my weight was normal.

See, it worked better for her.

When she asked her doctor this, the doctor told her she was well under normal weight, that she had nothing to worry about and almost laughed her out of his office. Like, "Oh ___________, you're crazy! You're not fat! Relax. If anything, you probably need to gain a little weight!" That's what I wanted. Half expected.

Instead, my doctor looked at my weight, then had her assistant (a 4'5 medical student) calculate some numbers to make sure I was within my BMI. WHAT? It took him a solid minute to figure this out. I thought maybe I looked a little heavier in my hospital gown? Maybe my face was puffy? Then she started giving me advice: Maybe I could cut back on carbs? Replace white flour with wheat? Fiber, lots of fiber will help me feel fuller longer...eliminate sugar. Do I exercise? WHAT???

And she kept going.

Maybe I'm eating too much off my kids' plates? Did I ever eat some of their meals then eat mine? That adds a lot of extra calories that you don't even realize................

Backfire.

The problem with my fat days is that instead of cutting back and switching to carrot sticks, I start buying crap like this at the store. Look, there wasn't even an entire cookie left. Someone send help.

Ohh my gosh! As you probably know, Alana and I have these days regularly!! "I just feel like the FATTEST today!" Ugh, then we debate if we should go to yoga or dinner and a movie to go nuts on popcorn and candy. We even have a little saying we say when we feel fat and lazy and don't want to do something. "Should we go to yoga? Clean? Run an errand?" We say "Oh tooooo fat!" Which really means too lazy. You know. The most awkward thing is when people hear us and respond with "Oh honey, no! You are not too fat. You look fine." Awkward! I know! I am just having a too fat moment! so funny. I am dying at the med student. She obviously hasn't reached the bedside manor portion of her training. Good one. "Try to stop eating off you kids plates and exercise!" Ahhhhh! Straight from some article she read with out even realizing she is talking to a beanpole. Nice try!

Fat days sounds like an annual summer time community festival in some small Utah town, Pie eating contests, horse shoes, a "1/2 K" that starts promptly at 11:00 am, navajo tacos, corn dogs, funnel cakes and father and sons X Box tournaments.