Boxing A Metaphor For Cocaine, Says Hatton Loudly

RICKY Hatton has insisted that the whole sport of boxing is geared toward cocaine use, right down to its ruinous affects on nasal septums.

You'd never guess apart from the thousand yard stare and the fucked-up hat

The boxer conducted a three-hour press conference, during which he sweated profusely and repeated himself several times, explaining the theory he had developed over the last three sleepless days.

Hatton said: “You can only focus for three minutes at a time, you need a gumshield to stop your teeth being ground into powder and you spend most of your life telling anyone who’ll listen how great you are.

“The whole thing couldn’t be more gakcentric if it were conducted in a roller disco with the referee dressed as Tony Montana.”

Hatton’s admission has led to suggestions that boxing could be improved beyond measure if both competitors were snorting cocaine between rounds.

Tom Logan, who watched 10 minutes of a Mike Tyson fight in the early 1990s before switching over to a repeat of Duty Free said: “Just the word boxing fills me with tedious dread.

“Snooker is more entertaining. Potted plants are more entertaining. It makes a Radio Four programme featuring Melvyn Bragg and Alan Yentob in conversation about the British novel seem like a jet-powered roller-coaster of pure, naked thrill.

“But the idea of two angry, lolloping monkeys coked to the tits and let loose on each other does sound totally mental and I think it should definitely happen.”

Meanwhile the News of The World’s is to continue its campaign to discredit every British sportsman that has ever lived with the revelation that Sir Stanley Matthews spent every Tuesday night in bed with a duck.