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A Comic’s Plea to Bachelorette Parties

1. Dress subtly. It’s a lot classier if you go out with your friends and have fun without the veil of condoms and the Life Saver T-shirt that advertises the “suck for a buck” opportunity. Why would guys want to give you a dollar to suck candy off of your shirt when you’re getting married in a week? It’s like paying for a sip of someone else’s beer. Better idea…get your single, hotter maid of honor to wear that shirt. You could pocket so much more cash.

2. Act like you’re no longer in the eighth grade. In other words, if the party is going to be in public, don’t have a penis theme. The 4-foot inflatable penis, the penis cake, the penis straws for your drinks, the penis tiara…all of it makes you look like you still giggle like schoolkids when someone says the word “duty”. Unless you’re a walking billboard for a new Jenna Jamison movie, don’t bother. It’s obnoxious. And finally…

3. Don’t go to a comedy club. I don’t care how much a club markets themselves as “your party headquarters”, don’t do it. Please listen to me on this one. Please don’t go to a comedy club. This cannot be stressed enough. Comedians don’t really hate bachelorette parties…rather, we abhor them. More often than not, these gaggles enter the club already drunk, and they somehow expect the show to be all about the bride-to-be. That’s obvious when the MC announces your presence, and your gaggle responds with a raucous “WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” loud enough to turn off Earnhardt fans.

I will say that there is some value to your presence at the club…it’s mildly amusing to see daggers shoot out of the eyes of one gaggle if another gaggle is there at the same time. The most common mindset among gaggles is that theirs should be the only party that night and their precious penis-loving, condom-veil girlfriend should be the center of attention. The tension thickens when it’s learned that both bachelorettes have, God forbid, the same wedding day. Holy crap, that’s hilarious! It’s like the Bloods learning that the Crips are on their turf, only there’s more vicious hatred involved between drunk gaggles. And just in case you’re oblivious to another girl having the same wedding date as you, you have your trusty gaggle leader to tell you. She’s the coordinator of this little soiree and she’s almost – almost – as irritating as you.

The truth is, the comic on stage wants you to have fun, but he doesn’t care that you’re getting married, and neither do any of the paying customers. My best guess would be that some of your friends in the group don’t really give a hoot either. They’re probably there because you asked them to be a bridesmaid. Why did you need twelve bridesmaids? Most likely because some girl you knew had eleven last year. Having less than eleven would simply be less expensive and un-catty, and that’s apparently not your style.

Bad attitude on my part? Maybe. I’m writing this after a weekend in Cleveland. The comedy club there is incredible, but one night we had two gaggles show up. It’s too bad irritation can’t be measured, because I’m pretty sure I broke a record.

Here’s a sample of one of the shows:Me: “…I got a call from my dad today. I don’t think Dad has…”Gaggle Member: “SHE’S GETTING MARRIED NEXT WEEK!”Entire Gaggle: “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”Me: “Okay, that’s great. So anyway, my parents are like…”Gaggle Coordinator: “Excuse me!!! In case you didn’t hear, she’s getting married!”Entire Gaggle: “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!”
Multiply that by 25 minutes and you’ve got yourself a transcript. Dear God in Heaven it was annoying. If gaggles traditionally hit the town with their bachelor party counterparts, I bet there would be lawyer vendors on the premises selling prenups.

Okay, I’m done. Thank you for letting me vent a little. It relaxes me. Just so you know, no bachelorettes were harmed in the making of this column, unfortunately. And if I have offended any of you, you can suck it. No buck required.