Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Why I am cooler now than before I had kids

I can multitask like a mother

Before
I had kids, the mere thought of working out, getting my hair cut and
buying an outfit for a party, all in one day, would make me a little
anxious. Now? Carry a toddler, my purse, diaper
bag, infant seat and unlock the car? Done. Wrangle both children, hand
over my insurance card, sign the co-pay receipt and wipe a yucky nose?
No problem. Switch the TV to video, open the bag of Goldfish, refill the
milk and start Yo Gabba Gabba, all while guarding my glass of
chardonnay? I'm on it.

I embrace alternative art

Before I
had unprotected sex, my view of art was so narrow-minded. Monet,
Beethoven and Poe may all be awesome, but they got nothing on my toddler
with a crayon and a tambourine. Though my favorite medium remains
macaroni, I have explored the diverse and colorful world glitter has to
offer and also embraced the tactile sensations that painting via finger
can provide.

I go to a raging party every night
Parties now
aren't much different than before we had kids. Sure, it may be in my
basement instead of a club and sponsored by Sesame Street and not some
trendy vodka, but that shit is off the hook. People throwing things,
dancing like they are having a seizure, drinking straight from the
bottle, staying up way past bedtime, drinking 'til they pee their pants?
Every. Single. Night. Throw in the occasional pile of puke and you know
how we roll…straight to nap time. We know how to party hard at our pad.

I've expanded my culinary palate

Long
gone are the days of sushi and expensive bottles of wine, but my
culinary offerings have grown, none-the-less. Slightly soggy cereal
offered via spoon by my toddler? Sure. Mystery nuggets served at my
kids' Family Picnic at school? Why not. Macaroni and cheese leftover
from my preschooler''s dinner? Don't mind if I do. A Skittle found on a
mission to locate a lost toy under the couch? Come on. Of course I am
going to taste the rainbow.

I rock the latest trends
Move over Dolce. You too, Gabbana. Dr. Brown and Petunia Pickle Bottom are all up in this hizzy now.
Long gone are the days of sporting the latest fashions, but I am most
certainly up on the hottest mommy trends. Red 40? I don't think so. Dye-
and preservative-free is what all the cool kids are doing this year.
And don't even talk to me about BPA. Please. That was so 2010.

I don't sweat the small stuff

Before I procreated, I
would worry if my apartment was in disarray before guests came over for
a civilized gathering. It takes a lot to make my eye twitch nowadays.
My toddler once crawled across our new white carpet with two fistfuls of
blackberries during a party. Blink. I then spilled an entire glass of
red wine down the stairs, splattering the freshly painted cream walls
with a Pollock-esque pattern. Blink blink. I then entered our basement
to see that the toddlers had done this to it: (remind me to provide pic)
Blink Blink. Twitch.I think music is awesome
Yo Gabba Gabba may not be the hot
new band on the scene, but that shit is catchy. Tell me you can listen
to Music Is Awesome without singing, "I like bugs, baby, how 'bout you?"
all day? Don't lie. You can't. Because my name is Julie, J-Julie,
J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J Julie, J-Julie.

I know the hotspots
A little-know-club hidden in an alley that you need a password to enter? Not quiet. Now,
I know when to hit Gymboree for the best sales, where the least
disgusting public restrooms are in the mall, which park is populated
with the least heathenistic children and where to get the cheapest boxes
of wine (Trader Joe's, FYI). I may not know which restaurant is
trending at the moment, but I sho 'nuff got coups for Steak 'n Shake.
Kids eat free on weekends, yo. Put that scoop in your cup and shake it.