My children have missed days at school because of economic reasons. A year ago, I would not have admitted that. A year ago, I would not have said a word. A year ago, I would have kept my head down and my mouth shut for fear of drawing unwanted attention to myself and the problems I was facing. In the back of my mind, I always hear the voice that says “don’t ever let anyone know you’re doing it tough, because they will take your kids from you”.

You have a right to demand alternatives to the only choices you have at this current moment. Do not be discouraged or shamed by people who say you cannot live in society at the same time as you try and change how society is organised. Calling for a change is not hypocritical. It is the only rational thing to do.

Not safe for work and likely to induce rage, Amie and Roz went to a workshop on “expanding female sexuality” and got a lot of creepy, inaccurate, rape-culturey shit instead. From Amie’s post:

Andy tails off the Labiaplasty rant by teaching us a bit about our anatomy and shows us some pictures of real life labia. Unfortunately, all of the pictures he uses for demo are Penthouse centrefold style vaginas, rather than the beautiful diversity he was ranting about 2 minutes before. He also refers to the clitoris numerous times as ‘the cute little bit you get to play with’. Gag. What am I? 6?

As seen on Twitter, here are a few links which basically destroy the arguments of any journalist who complains that knowing how to correctly refer to trans people is haaaaaaaard:

An article at transgenderlaw.org showing that the AP Stylebook had good advice (under a terrible heading) for gender pronouns as early as 2000.

If you haven’t got the memo that reporting about trans people is a bit of a sensitive issue, you are kindly invited to get the fuck out of journalism and preferably off the planet.

I totally lack the spoons to write the post on domestic violence and the inherent violence of the “men’s/father’s rights” movement, so here’s the amazing Jan Logie talking about domestic violence and protection orders.

This government has shifted the focus from domestic violence to vulnerable children despite domestic violence being one of the most significant risks for children in NZ.

Domestic Violence was not mentioned once in the white paper, despite a large number of submissions raising this issue. There is nothing in the legislation to progress our response to Domestic Violence. In fact it may well move resources away from domestic violence.

Please remember when you’re talking to people about the general election this year that this government doesn’t give a fuck about violence against women and children, except as a vehicle to push more beneficiary-hate.

And finally, a reminder to always be Googling: after seeing this horrific and probably triggering media release on child abuse, I looked up the author, Bruce Tichbon, noble crusader for separated parents, and here he is in 2006, complaining that the Family Court is basically part of a dark feminist agenda to destroy men. It’s funny what conclusions you can draw about someone who says mothers “almost invariably get ownership and control of the family”, isn’t it?

I have never had anyone adequately explain to me how abolishing my occupation helps me in any way. I will never believe it could make me safer. More importantly, I did not ask and do not wish for non-sex workers, those who would see my right to work abolished, to speak on my behalf. Allowing abolitionist groups or non-sex workers to speak for sex workers does two things: It misinforms the message. Those speaking out on sex work must be sex workers because we speak from the lived experience of sex work. It also takes up space. Sex workers are a marginalized group who have to fight for space to get their message heard. Stop giving sex worker space away.

At the same time as the media tells women we are all ugly, all too huge, all in need of expensive ‘treatments’, it directs mothers to model good self esteem for daughters. Body image advocates stress that mothers should avoid ‘fat talk’ around their kids, lest they pass on their hatred of their minor body ‘flaws’ to impressionable youth. There is no space to talk about what happens when mums are fat, when their bodies are unmentionable.

This was going to be a post about Caleb Hannan, a man who calls himself a “journalist” and who, in the course of what he thinks “journalism” is, hounded a trans woman into suicide, and then (because that wasn’t enough) turned his “story” – and the details of her suicide – into a self-aggrandizing, sensationalist narrative about himself.

I want to discuss a different aspect of this article: the reactions of journalists, predominantly cis men, who have tried to insist:

we can’t tell her life story without mentioning her gender identity! (when the article was never about her life story)

it’s just like how we mention people’s past marriages! (when there are obvious differences in how our society treats divorcees and trans women)

we should focus on the “fascinating” ethical side of this! (when a woman is dead)

And those points are all just so utterly irrelevant to the facts – that a journalist invaded an interviewee’s privacy, ignored her pleas for respect, and exploited her suicide – that I can really only come to one conclusion.

Y’all are a bit fucking insecure about trans women, aren’t you?

Every objection, every insistence that we treat this case as part of a “wider discussion”, every excuse about “telling the full story”, every lie told that Dr V’s gender identity was somehow relevant to a story about a golf putter and possible discrepancies in her academic record, boils down to one thing: WE MUST KNOW THAT SHE IS TRANS! WE MUST! THE WORLD MUST KNOW!

And we have to see this in the context of a society which treats trans women as a punchline – where the scenario of cis-men-who-have-sex-with-trans-women-without-knowing-it is treated as the height of “gotcha! oh snap!” comedy. Ally McBeal. The entire plot of Ace Ventura Pet Detective. Austin Powers. Nip/Tuck. And in a more serious vein, God knows how many episodes of the various Law & Order and CSI franchises – which usually highlight (in their sensationalist way) the real, terrible issue of trans women being murdered by their “betrayed” sexual partners – who are usually portrayed as violent thugs, but you know, violent thugs who maybe had a good reason this time.

The “reverse” situation – cis-woman-has-sex-with-trans-man-without-knowing-it – is almost non-existent.

So we end up in a society where heterosexual cis men are told that having sex with a trans woman is tantamount to having homosexual sex (and therefore wrong! And unmasculine!!!) Where trans women are seen as inherently deceitful, to the point that being-a-trans-woman-and-not-disclosing-your-history-before-sex is tantamount to a deliberate conspiracy to make poor hetero cis men have gay sex (and therefore become Not Real Men!!!) Where the good and proper dudely thing to do is to make sure that all the other dudes know that someone is a trans woman (and thus, to them, Not A Real Woman).

And we end up in a society where Dudes Who Journalise vehemently defend the rights of another Journalist Dude to invade a woman’s privacy, threaten her safety, ignore her pleas and cause her suicide. Using arguments which are irrelevant to the actual facts of the matter.

We end up saying, “how dare you treat this real-life tragedy as a thought experiment”, but what I wonder is: are they really treating this story as a thought experiment? Or does it all just boil down to hetero cis men’s sense of ownership over bodies-they-might-want-to-fuck?

Happy new year, all. Here’s some recommended reading to carry you through the holiday break/the terrible back-to-work blues.

Do you get really eye-twitchingly annoyed at men who sit on buses like their balls are the size of melons? Gods, I do. Fortunately there is not one but twoTumblrs where you can vent your rage (or feel comforted in the knowledge it ain’t just you.) And an article! Hat-tip to SaigonSyl and her merry band of righteous Twitter followers.

Studies from all over the world drive home the exact same point: free money helps. Proven correlations exist between free money and a decrease in crime, lower inequality, less malnutrition, lower infant mortality and teenage pregnancy rates, less truancy, better school completion rates, higher economic growth and emancipation rates.

‘The big reason poor people are poor is because they don’t have enough money’, economist Charles Kenny, a fellow at the Center for Global Development, dryly remarked last June. ‘It shouldn’t come as a huge surprise that giving them money is a great way to reduce that problem.’

It’s the right thing to do on every level: ethical, practical, cost-efficient, proven. And after six years of National Party ministers pulling the ladder up behind them I think it’s a story which could go very far here.

It is scarily awesome to be here, folks, with the 68th Down Under Feminists Carnival. That’s over five years of Antipodean feminist blogging hotness, guaranteed to lift the spirits and standing as a reminder that you sure as shit aren’t alone in this world.

Chrys Stevenson at Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear talks about the way some couples seem to stick together out of obligation, even when they seem really unhappy, in Dangling conversations.

Amy Gray at Pesky Feminist has put together a transcript of a speech she gave on Breaking through the prison of our skin – a look at the institutional factors that still discriminate against women, specifically in writing and publishing.

Elan Gale is a TV producer who allegedly live-tweeted his Totally Awesome smackdown of a fellow air traveller on Thanksgiving. tigtog at Hoyden About Town takes a look at just how much of a clusterfuck this story is – and what it tells us about misogyny on the internet. Van Badham at Women’s Agenda talks about women, trolls and the Australian media in 2013.

Blame for this may be entirely laid at the feet of Rhinocrates, NZ Femme and V de Plume. May it serve you well in future headdesk-worthy “debates” with people who keep insisting they’re our allies, now could we please shut up and let them tell us what we want?

[A bingo board of white-and-purple squares, saying: Wait until we win the election! / That’s not a tier one issue / I know I’m banned but … / We already have laws against discrimination / Boutique Identity Politics / That only helps a tiny minority / Let me explain basic politics to you / Of course we all hate sexism, you oversensitive bitch / Rightwing pundits don’t like that / Stop making personal attacks you bitch / You need counselling / That won’t win votes / FREE SQUARE / I’m on your side! / I’m leaving this conversation!!! / Rights are a zero-sum game / We HAVE to focus on the economy (so shut up) / You can have five minutes / That’s just in your head / I’m leaving this conversation THIS TIME!!! / Let’s just agree to disagree / Silencing white male trolls is censorship / But as a redheaded vegan, I have an identity too! / We’re all just ~people~ / You’re scaring away swing voters]