Tales of Old Santa Fe

The fifteen-dollar margarita

Seems there was a local fella who owned a Mexican restaurant. Served good red chile. One day, he decided he was going to sell a fifteen-dollar margarita. People all said he was crazy. But he explained he was going to make the margaritas with real Cointreau and fine añejo tequila. And he did. Sure enough, the fifteen-dollar margaritas sold faster ’n hotcakes.

THE MARRIAGE OF FIGARO

One year, the head honcho at the Santa Fe Opera decided to present “The Marriage of Figaro,” just two seasons after it had already been done. Some folks wanted him fired. But he decided to go ahead. Then things got worse. His tenor, who was supposed to play Basilio, left for a gig at the Met, in New York. His set designer up and took a movie job out in Hollywood. On opening night, he hid in his office, unable to venture out. One of his interns came in, looking glum, then broke into a big grin and said, “The whole durn place is sold out!”

THE OLD LANDSCAPE PAINTER

The old painter had painted more landscapes than he cared to remember. It used to keep him up at night. But nowadays he soothed his nerves with whiskey.

The worst part was there was always some young landscape painter who thought he was better. One day, just such a painter drifted in from Carmel-by-the-Sea, California. He had a carload of paintings, and he challenged the old landscape painter to a two-man show.

“Please, just head on back to Carmel,” said the old painter.

“What’s the matter, old-timer?” said the young painter. “Yella?”

So the old painter agreed. When the gallery closed that night, the old landscape painter had sold every one of his paintings—mountain views, adobe houses, Southwest sunsets—and the young painter hadn’t sold a thing.

“Let me give you some advice, son,” said the old painter. “Folks ’round these parts don’t really go for seascapes.”

The young painter got in his car and drove straight through to Carmel, without stopping.

THE MYSTERIOUS STRANGER

Once, there was a fella who owned a two-acre lot within the Santa Fe city limits. He had it on the market for a million dollars. But the dang thing just wouldn’t sell. Then one day a mysterious stranger showed up. The stranger pointed out that the lot had poor drainage, no level place for a house, and not great views. He convinced the seller to lower his price to eight hundred and fifty thousand dollars, and it sold right away. No one ever saw the stranger again.

THE WAILING WOMAN

Despite warnings from friends and relatives, a local lady bought an expensive turquoise necklace from an unlicensed jeweller. The turquoise turned out to be fake, nothing more than blue powder held together with a kind of clear resin.

In despair and humiliation, the woman killed herself. Now, on moonlit nights, her wailing ghost wanders the hills and arroyos of Santa Fe, demanding her money back.

A BULTO FOR HIS NICHO

One time, a fancy dude from back East came and bought himself a double-adobe casa on the East Side. Then he went out and got a bulto for his nicho. But the nicho was too small for the bulto.

He called in a brujo, and asked him to use his powers to make the bulto fit. “It don’t work like that,” said the brujo. He quoted an old Spanish dicho: “If your bulto doesn’t fit in your nicho, you must either enlarge your nicho or take the bulto back and exchange it for a smaller bulto.”

Confused and angry, the dude went back East, never to return.

THE ELUSIVE SMELL

A cowpoke went in to see one of Santa Fe’s top astral conjoiners. But, when he walked in, the conjoiner pointed to a sign that said “Absolutely No Fragrances.” “Can’t you read?” she snapped.

“But I’m not wearing any fragrance,” said the cowpoke.

“Cologne?”

“No.”

“Aftershave?”

“Nope.”

“How about eau de toilette?”

“No, Ma’am.”

The two put their heads together and finally puzzled it out: it was his Mennen Speed Stick, in Ocean Surf.

They had a big laugh. The cowpoke did, anyway.

THE TALE OF ALI MACGRAW

Seems there was a rumor going ’round that Ali MacGraw was going to move out of Santa Fe. A contingent from the mayor’s office showed up at her door.

“Ali, we heard you might be moving out of town,” said the mayor. “Please don’t do it. Before you came here, Santa Fe wasn’t fit for women or children.”