Dave Allen - in his own words

"We spend our lives on the run: we get up by the clock, eat and sleep by the clock, get up again, go to work - and then we retire. And what do they give us? A fucking clock."

"I still think of myself as I was 25 years ago. Then I look in a mirror and see an old bastard - and I realise it's me."

"A good storyteller never lets the facts get in the way."

On the Irish Troubles: "Which is the fastest game in the world? Well, it's played in Belfast pubs, and it's called pass the parcel."

On having half a finger missing: "Am I the Irish comedian with half a finger? No, I'm the Irish comedian with nine and a half fingers."

On what he wanted inscribed on his gravestone: "Don't mourn for me now; don't mourn for me never - I'm going to do nothing, for ever and ever."

"I'm an atheist ... thank God."

"If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, but if it's sent by road, then it's a shipment."

A man goes to heaven, and St Peter shows him around. They go past one room, and the man asks: "Who are all those people in there?" "They are the Methodists," says St Peter. They pass another room, and the man asks the same question. "They are the Anglicans," says St Peter. As they're approaching the next room, St Peter says: "Take your shoes off and tiptoe by as quietly as you can." "Why, who's in there?" asks the man. "The Catholics," says St Peter, "and they think that they're the only ones up here."