I have the feeling that the new swine flu advice is from Harry Enfield’s old Women Know your Place characters. The latest leaflet through the door confirms it.

"Are you A WOMAN?

Have you been IMPREGNATED?

Then follow the instructions below.

You should not be out in public where decent people can see that you have had "relations". Some people will be offended by the very thought. Instead follow these simple rules;

1. Going on public transport causes a quandary for decent every day people. Do they give up a seat to you? Or shuffle awkwardly wondering whether or not to do so, but reckoning the trip is short enough to justify retention of the seat? To avoid this dilemma simply DO NOT TRAVEL ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT. That guilt which costs the economy some £2 billion per year in time lost from those having to attend counselling as a result of the distress and anxiety is removed.

2. Places where people gather together, such as shops, schools, hospitals, streets may be filled with an air of bonhomie and conviviality – but many find the experience stressful. To then encounter a pregnant woman and have the fear that she might give birth now, what on earth do I do if that happens? is something which upsets around 37.8% of the population. Such upset has been known to increase obesity as people buy chocolate or cake to ease their stress. If there is a way in which the risk can be reduced it is the duty of all subjects to do so. So for pregnant women remember that it is important to AVOID ALL PUBLIC PLACES.

3. In fact why not STAY IN CONFINEMENT. Don’t bother your pretty head with social interaction, work, transport or other children. Our specially produced daytime television schedules should neutralise your intellect within hours of your first DNA test."

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