Vahrtznif role chapter 1

"Soon," the director thought, "Vahrtznif will swing in from the west, and will heroically declare his presence. I must be careful not to mistime his cue."

The scene on the stage was poorly constructed, consisting of two trees (carved from stone by a few unnamed, but definitely ugly, svirfnebli) and a stone witch's cauldron (which, rumor has it, was once just a boulder -- that is, until your mother sat on it). The bearded duergar female, dressed in a witch's costume (potato sack and stone pointy hat, which is just a repurposed ice cream stone cone), stirred the brew with a gigantic wooden-spoon-shaped stone that she held with her beard.

"Blunder, wonder, woes, or foes; which shall we eliminate first?" the witch said to no one in particular.

"This is it" thought the director. "I must cue Vahrtznif." With much focus, the director flashed a brilliant light from under the stage, so as to illuminate the cauldron. "Now, Vahrtznif, swing in from the west!" The director could hear movement from behind the stage, and let out a small sigh of relief knowing that Vahrtznif had recognized the cue -- a cue which he missed at nearly every practice. The director turned his eyes towards the western side of the stage, just in time to notice that Vahrtznif had come swinging onto the stage from the east, confidently gripping his tether with his beard.

"I am here, and heroically so" proclaimed Vahrtznif. Normally, one wouldn't expect there to be much of an issue with which side of a stage an actor swings in on. In this case, however, the consequences were dire. You see, there are two tethers on either side of the stage. The tether on the western side of the stage is meant to tether an actor to the roof, so that they may swing around freely. The tether on the eastern side of the stage, however, was not even a tether; it was an emergency boulder-release rope. Above the stage, a creaking could be heard as the concealed storage room of boulders opened. It was a matter of seconds before the massive stones came raining down onto the stage, the director, and everybody in the audience.

As the dust began to settle, one boulder began to rock back and forth until it finally tipped over. Vahrtznif emerged from the crevice of the boulder, which was apparently another cauldron. "Wow, I sure am glad that your mother sat on all of these boulders" said Vahrtznif to no one in particular. Walking towards the door, Vahrtznif saw the director’s arm protruding from underneath the side of the one boulder your mother did not sit on, clutching a piece of paper. Curious, Vahrtznif waltzed on over (without a partner) to grab the paper. To his astonishment, it read “Vahrtznif, no” and nothing else.

“Hm,” hmmed Vahrtznif, “did he mean to say ‘Vahrtznif, no one is as good an actor as you’ and that he wanted me to join the Heralds?” Vahrtznif began to ponder this question, until he was met with an answer by a voice in his head, which sounded much like his director; “Vahrtznif, no.” With that, Vahrtznif knew to refrain from joining the Heralds.