Superstars of Dance: Shamrocks and Shenanigans

A few notes for your dance card before we get to it. Firstly, my apologies for the delay in the recap. Real life intruded on my TV watching this week. I know you’ve all just been frantic with the waiting! And I won’t judge you for refreshing the page every few minutes hoping the post was up. I’ll try not to let it happen again.

A second item of note – this comment came across the transom of stately Tubular manor:

Hello Whitney, nice writing, thank you! Obviously I like your blog more than you like my performance. Maybe I can send you suitcase filled with Russian rubles and in exchange you can say something nice about me or stop calling me Yakoff. I am sure it’s very funny but I do not think other Russian people understand what you are talking about. I will make sure to mention your name on the next show. Stay tuned. Mikhail Smirnov

I know, right?

Clearly, there are two possibilities here. One, of course, is that this isn’t really Russian judge Mikhail Smirnov. In which case, well played. I applaud your wacky sense of humor sir or madam.

Or, it is him, and I just totally got called out by a guy on TV. Honestly, it has never occurred to me that someone on the show might actually read my goofy observations. I am so not in Kansas anymore.

On the off chance that it really is you Mikhail? Fair play, I’ll knock it off with the Yakov. And thanks for being a good sport. Also, you can leave the suitcase with the rubles by the fountain in the park. The code word is tondue.

All right, with that business out of the way, let’s tune in to Mr. Announcer. He tells us to strap in for a shocking night of Action! Dance! Judging! Pain! Magic! We’re also teased with the promise of outrageous judging, and cut to South Africa giving someone a 3! Ouch. That’s going to leave a mark.

Tonight’s competition will determine who moves on to the final, so let’s shake some dust, children. It’s Superstars of Dance!

We open with a quick rundown of the scoreboard. In the solo category, Russian ballerina Not!Sasha Cohen holds a slim lead over the US’s Robert Muraine 63 to 61. Northern India (the one with the bells) is in third with 59. In the duets, tango Argentina leads South Africa’s freestyle ballroomers 63 to 59. The Lahrds are third with 56. Pasha and Anya better bring it tonight. I’d like them to do well. And that is not a pander to Mikhail, I genuinely like them. (psst – Mikhail, you can leave the bottle of fine Russian beverage under the bench near the statue). Ahem. Going to the group standings, the US’s Groovaloos lead the Australians 66 to 62. South Africa is third with 58. Finally, in the scores overall, the US is first with 363 points; Australia is second with 355, and South Africa third with 346.

India leads things off with a group dance honoring Ganesha, the elephant headed Hindu god. I really like it, but then I’ve come to realize I just really enjoy Indian dance. It’s a little bit bhangra, and little Bollywood, and some of the moves seem similar to what we’ve seen with the soloists. I guess that’s to be expected since they all draw some inspiration from the Hindu religion. There are only six performers on stage though. Weren’t there more of them last week?

Only three groups in each category will advance to the finals, so we’re in a sudden death situation. Team India has to score better than South Africa’s 58 in order to advance. Aww, I like both these groups. Can’t everybody win?

7’s and 8’s. Australia and South Africa both ding Team India on the technical aspects of the dance, and a lack of synchronization when it was called for. Their total is 53, and they’re out.

The Australian couple is next dancing the samba. It’s a very hot Afro-Brazilian jam with spinning and shaking and some nice lifts, and the girl is on fire. Love her. Maybe its the power of suggestion – we again see South Africa’s quarter-final critique that her partner needs to step it up and be strong – but the guy does seem weaker in comparison.

We go to the judges, and there’s a long pause before South Africa gives his remarks. Oh, this isn’t going to be good. Or it’s going to be awesome, depending on your perspective. His main critique is that the man did not follow the first rule of pairs – to lead the lady. South Africa has nothing but love for the lady, and credits her with covering up her partner’s weaknesses with her own energy. And then he gives them an 8. Syke! I was sure this was going to be the 3.

Australia’s score of 59 puts them ahead of the Lahrds, who will be Riverdancing their way home.

But we’re not totally done with the Lahrds yet, as their soloist performs. The Irish coach has selected a new performer to dance – it’s actually the lady from the pair bounced mere moments ago. All due credit and respect to a woman who won her first of 7 world titles at the age of 10, but great day I am bored to the teeth with step dancing!

7’s and 8’s with a 9 from Russia. She needs to do better than India’s 59 points, and at 54, another Lahrd bites the dust.

The soloist from South Africa performs next. She’s wearing a white tutu, and I think it’s meant to be a sort of interpretive Swan Lake? Where she’s channeling the dying swan? We get a lot of “buzzuh??” crowd reactions, and WHAT IS SHE DOING CAN WE PLEASE JUST WATCH THE DANCER???? It’s a really interesting melding of African and classical western technique and forms. You know what? I love her. She’s beautiful and graceful and the choreography is inventive and fresh and she just makes you FEEL it. Love her.

Despite getting 8’s the judges seem lukewarm to her performance. I call shenanigans. Most of them seem to be comparing her dance to their mental image of the traditional Swan Lake. Which I think is totally unfair. Boo. Again, she needs to do better than India’s 59. Sadly, she only gets a 55. Boo! She looks really disappointed. Like, ready to cut somebody disappointed. I feel you. Farewell South Africa. You said you wanted to make a mark and be remembered. Mission accomplished in my book.

Back to groups, and it’s Shaolin in the house! But first, they answer the question of how Blake, incarcerated became a monk. Well, he saw their show at 11, followed his dream, and now at 20 he’s the only non-Chinese disciple living full time at the temple. Okay, that’s kind of cool. Well done Blake.

Their performance is super cool, with the running and leaping and yelling and worm-fu. The only thing that could make it better would be if they suddenly started fighting ninjas. Or maybe pirates. Instead, they fight amongst themselves with staffs and swords. At the end, they break all break metal bars over their heads. Impressive, but you know what? Not dance. Which is what I think it ultimately going to doom Team China overall. Amazing performers. But not dancers.

9’s and 10’s with an 8 from the US who agrees with me that it’s not dance. Their 65 easily puts them above South Africa’s 58. Sigh. I really liked those guys. The spokesman for Team Africa is clearly disappointed but gracious. You guys were awesome!

The American ballroom pair is up next. Its all very angsty and pretty incredible with the lifts and throws and spins. But I have the same problem with this performance that I did with the South Africans last week. Its not so much dance as transitions into illusions. I mean tricks.

The judging starts off with 7’s, which elicits boos from the audience. And then they get to South Africa. He says he was tough on the preceding couples, and wants to critique this pair honestly. Grab your gun and bring in the cat, I think I hear that 3 coming. He starts by saying they never fully extended their bodies into the dance. And that the woman was too hard, offering no distinction in the man/lady roles. He gives them a 5. Man, who is getting that 3??

They end up with 7’s and 8’s, plus South Africa’s 5, which is not nearly enough to give them the magic mark of 60 needed to advance.

The second Indian soloist performs a dance as the Hindu god Lord Shiva. Hey, she’s wearing bells this week! How am I supposed to tell them apart? It’s really beautiful, but I’m worried she’s not gong to score well. I think so much of this particular style is about body placement, technique, and small nuanced movements. If the judges aren’t familiar with the dance form, then they just pick on preference, as the Irish judge has pointed out several times over the last two weeks.

Ultimately in terms of the score, it’s a bit of a wash for India. Either way, one of them is going home. 7’s and 8’s, and India-1 stays alive. This night must just be brutal for her. She’s had to come out on stage after every other soloist, and wait to see if she was in or out.

The last solo performer is the Argentinean. She says in her pre dance intro that tonight she’s going to be more energetic. Wow, I am already afraid. Why do I think there are going to be body parts all over the stage? She starts out in silhouette to a tango rhythm, and then the music shifts into something that sounds like La Vida Loca. And there’s just a lot of bumping and grinding and … shimmying. Its all very Flashdance meets Ricky Martin meets Vegas showroom.

The scores are all over the place. 7 from India and 6 from Australia who wanted to see something more. South Africa agrees, and goes on to say that the piece didn’t fit with the other, more culturally relevant performances and gives her a 4. The US gives an 8 (owing to fear of the audience), as does China. Although I’m pretty sure the Master could bust out the five-point-palm-exploding-heart-technique if he wanted to. He ain’t afraid of nobody.

Ireland, who GROWLS at her, and Russia, who says “That’s entertainment” if you know what I mean and I think you do, both give her a 10. All right, seriously you two. IN. A. PROPRIATE.

Argentina scores 53 which is not enough to advance her past India. Good thing too, IRELAND and RUSSIA. Don’t make me go all women’s studies on you.

So now our three solo performers are set for the finals, and they are Not!Sasha Cohen for Russia, Robert Muraine of the US, and India. I would really have liked to see the South African dancer in the final, but I’m happy with these three. I think they’re all talented and gifted in their individual forms. But you know I’m totes rooting for Robert because that kid is sick!

And then finally! FINALLY! DANCE OFF! DANCE OFF! It’s the dance battle between the Shaolin Monks and the Groovaloos. IT IS ON!

Or not. Seriously, lookit SoD. You’ve been promising me for TWO WEEKS that we were going to get to see this epic throw down between the monks and Groovaloos. But what you give us instead is the equivalent of a CLIP SHOW!!! Weak. That is just weak. Shenanigans. SHENANIGANS!! And what is MOST annoying is that you can tell from what little bit you do show that it was awesome. I can only imagine the energy of these two groups trying to outdo and impress one another and GAH! Why do you hurt me this way SHOW?

Oh well, at least I can enjoy the ballroom stylings of Pasha and Anya. Wait, why does the TV say her name is Aliona? Hey … hang on … that’s not Pasha and Anya! What happened to Pasha and Anya?? Apparently, the coach of Team Russia decided to sub in another couple. Which I think is a big miscalculation. Because the dance is okay, but they keep stopping so they can perform – and I mean this literally – magic tricks [its not a tri- SHUT UP GOB!]. Its cool? Kind of? But it also distracts from the dance elements. I’m just not feeling it. Maybe if they were dancing to Final Countdown? As the whole thing goes on it just gets cheesier, until again, I feel like I’m watching a Vegas floor show. And not in a good way.

We go to the judges, and Argentina agrees with me on the Vegas lounge element. South Africa finds them the weakest of couples, and so the big, scary 3 basically comes down to math. He doesn’t feel justified scoring them higher than the previous dancers. In the end, its a 7 from Argentina, 8s from India and the US, 6 from Australia, and a 9 from China. Ireland has clearly given up judging on dance merit (and says as much) and gives them a 10. See, now you’re just messing me.

They score a 51, which is not enough for them to advance. So our duet finalists are Tango Argentina, Australia, and South Africa. Well done. I approve.

And finally we go out with Team Lahrd. Lahrd, beer me strength. 8s and 9s with a 10 from Russia, which actually ties them with Australia. Since no one DANCES FOR THEIR LIVES on this show, the judges just have to pick. My-mother-told-me-to-pick-the-best-one-and-you-are-not-it, IRELAND. So the final groups are the US, China, and Australia. Yay! The final is a Lahrd free zone! It’s like a Christmas miracle!

We bring down the curtain with a last look at the master scoreboard. Australia is in the lead with 414 points; the US is second with 413, and Ireland (who no longer has any dancers in contention) is third with 409. I think the real dogfight is going to be between the US and Australia, as they each have two groups competing. Teams Russia, India, Argentina, and South Africa will have to duke it out for third. China will have to find some hard core math-fu to move up from their current last place standing.

Don’t miss the action Monday, when we see who goes home with Michael Flatley’s tree topper and is crowned the ultimate SUPERSTAR OF DANCE!