6:00 p.m. A helicopter has landed in front of City Hall, festooned with SPAM logos. A man dressed like Evel Knievel is getting into the helicopter.

6:05 p.m. The helicopter is hovering over Dixon.

6:06 p.m. The crowd is curious about the helicopter but well behaved. The man in the American flag suit is unfurling a banner from the door of the helicopter. It says “HAPPY SPAM MONTH.”

6:07 p.m. I think I hear something now. The man is talking through a loudspeaker over the noise of the rotors, but no one can tell what he’s saying.

6:08 p.m. Wait. The man looks like he’s going to jump. Yes, he’s jumping! Oh no! Are you getting this? He’s falling. I don’t see a parachute! He’s crashing to earth! He just went through the windshield of a parked car! This is terrible!

6:09 p.m. Everyone’s running around pushing each other. Oh, the humanity! I can’t stand here and watch this anymore. Children are searching for their mothers and oh, not since the Hindenburg has there been anything like this.