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Useful survival tips @ the workplace

Tq to Atie for the contribution..

LESSON 1
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says : ” Normally, one is granted three wishes, but as you are three, I will allow one wish each. ” So the eager senior manager shouted : ” I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries.” Pfufffff …. and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted : ” I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails. ” Pfufffff …. And he was also gone.The boss calmly said : ” I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.30 pm. “MORAL OF THE STORY : ALWAYS LET THE BOSS SPEAK FIRSTLESSON 2
Standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand,
” Listen,” said the CEO, ” this is a very sensitive and important document,
and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”
” Certainly,” said the young executive.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
” Excellent, excellent! ” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the shredder machine. ” I just need one copy. “
LESSON # 2 : NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT YOUR BOSS KNOWS EVERYTHING LESSON 3
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA When
the American turned to the Japanese and asked” What kind of -ese are you ? ” The Japanese, confused, replied : ” Sorry, but I don’t understand what you mean. ” The American repeated : ” What kind of -ese are you ? “Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled : ” What kind of -ese are you
… Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese !, etc……??? ” The Japanese then replied : ” Oh, I am a Japanese. “A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of ‘key’ was he.The American, frustrated, yelled : ” What do you mean what kind of -kee’ am I ?! “The Japanese said, ” Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee ? ”
LESSON No 3 : NEVER INSULT ANYONELESSON 4
There were these 4 guys — a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who together found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said : ” Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true. ”
The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted : ” Wine ! “ The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was very happy, swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian’s turn.He did the same and shouted : ” Vodka ! ” and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted : ” Beer ! “He was likewise very contented with his beer-filled pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted, ” Shit !!!!!!!………”
LESSON # 4 : ALWAYS THINK TWICE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES ACCIDENTS DO HAPPEN ! LESSON 5
The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up.
Brain……… I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood…….. I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach… I should be in charge because I process food for the brain.
Legs……… I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.
Eyes……… I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it’s going.
Asshole…..I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.
To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and
stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever. Day 1 – Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for reliefDay 2 – Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly Day 3 – Legs got cramps and became unstableDay 4 – Eyes became watery and vision became blurred Day 5 – Blood became toxic and poisoned the bodyDay 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.
MORAL OF THE STORY: NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS AN ASSHOLE THAT IS TRULY IN CHARGE