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The Seven R's of Parenting: Routine

There are those of us that love routines,
and those that loathe the thought of it. The question to ask regardless is:
What would we do without routines?

Imagine a day without routines.

There is the spontaneity of choosing to do
whatever whenever you want in the moment. Great scope to experiment with new
ideas of doing seemingly humdrum things. So, what would it be like brushing my
teeth at work, rather than before breakfast at home? Then, it could run into a
bit of chaos if there was no bus schedule or train timetable...and we waited
at the bus stand or railway platform until the appropriate ride appears...the
children would wake up at random to make their own breakfast - that would be
good - except that Mum who would consistently have stocked the cupboard every
Sunday afternoon was experimenting with the new idea of going to the store only
as the children tell her what was gone in the pantry...and so it goes...

Whether we like it or not, our lives are
governed by some routine - some more minimalist; others fleshed out in more
detail.

Why do we have a routine?

Routines promote trust

One of the simple benefits: Routines foster
independence. Independence cultivates self esteem and trust. Routines generate
a reliability that certain things will run at a certain time, and certain
people will be in attendance when expected. There is less need to communicate
as often about items that can be slotted into a predetermined sequence so
members can show up at the appropriate times without being reminded.

Like consistent rules, nothing beats a
regular routine so we do not occupy our minds trying to constantly re-invent
how we do things. It allows for freedom from having to check with a supervisor
every time. Let's say we change our meal times willy nilly with a small child -
that would be very confusing as the child does not know how much to eat. If he
eats too much, and is fed sooner than expected, he experiences force-feeding.
If he does not consume enough and the next meal comes too far in between, you
will have a whiny, grumpy, hungry child. This is exacerbated when the child is
too young to verbalize or signal his/her needs, other then crying and
whimpering.

When my children know their routine, they
don’t have to ask me. They each
have a timetable for their daily activities - so it gives them the independence
to prepare for their school day or activities without looking to me. Structured
routine gives predictability and again empowerment to act without constantly
checking with the parents. Both Jett and Xian know that their routine is to
finish daily homework and music practice before watching TV or playing computer
games. So they know they don’t have to ask for permission once they have
completed their duties.

Routines kindle innovation

Routine frees our creativity to improve. If
we are not thinking of every step in our daily living, it gives us the liberty
to explore and focus speciﬁcally on one thing at a time to learn, develop or
improve. For example, if the child knows where his favourite book is all the time and can
get back to it any time, s/he is more likely to look for other books/activities
to do with that security in mind.

Routines sustain role modelling

In being a role model, do we schedule a
routine for ourselves? Do we make 'me' time - the so-called
‘self-spa’ - where we diarise 2-3 times per week for gym workouts, a regular
time to check emails, or watching the 6 o’clock news without interruption? If
our children observe that we have a routine, they will learn to respect our
time too. It is preferable to co-create a structure in engaging clear
boundaries to meet the needs of everyone affected. Routines can be changed
through re-negotiation and partnering - Ken or I take the children to school
when we are en route to work. From time to time both of us are unable. We have negotiated with the children
that they take public transport on those days.

Routines are best worked out together

Initially, parents set the framework to
guide the children. No matter how young the children are, it is respectful to
let them know why a certain routine is good for all (for example, regular sleep time helps parents and children get into
healthy regimens of recharging so they can make the most out of their awake
times without getting cranky).

Getting into the habit of creating
relevance early also demonstrates the importance of spelling out a reason big
enough in order to excite or motivate anyone. When the children are able to express
themselves, it may be useful to elicit from them as learning partners what good
reasons they have in opposing the routine you are suggesting. Many a time, I
have been inspired by their perspective. What’s more - they have even come up
with a better routine than the one I proposed!

Naturally, routines are likely to be more
relaxed on weekends/ holidays...perhaps a ‘no routine’ holiday routine may
actually be a routine of spontaneity! Usually during the school holidays, we
don’t plan beyond the travel and accommodation. When we arrive at our
destination - we play it by ear. It gives the children a chance to enjoy the
structure of flexibility!

How do you deal with routine for yourself?
Who have you involved in its creation? This is important when you are not
particularly good with routines yourself. What routine or systems have you put
in place that currently support you, your life, and that of your family? By all
means, do more of that! Which ones aren't working? Perhaps you can
get inventive and re-design those to make them work better for you.

A word of caution. Beware of ‘doing it
right’: that there is only one way, the so-called ‘right way’ to do things. There is much to
be said for having options and ﬂexibility to change things when necessity dictates.
Routines are ﬁne provided there is room for continuous improvement. Small tweaks that
allow the system to develop and adapt to changing needs and environment. Creativity can also be incorporated into
the routine. Can you get creative with your routine (or with anything for that matter)
when you need to?

Dr Yvonne Sum CSP transforms leaders of tomorrow today: through speaking, coaching and writing. Having been a dentist, RAAF officer, executive coach, leadership facilitator & speaker, author, business partner, wife and mother of two, Yvonne has first-hand experience transcending changes across various contexts. She consistently provokes senior business leaders to ‘lose their minds and come to their senses’ by integrating their leadership lessons at home successfully back into the work tribe in Australia, USA and Asia-Pacific. She has presented alongside Edward deBono, Howard Gardner, Tony Buzan, and David Perkins. ‘Intentional Parenting - Learning Leadership from your Home Tribe’ is her first solo book due out in 2012.