John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

I’m Scared, And Don’t Want To Do It, But I Will Do It Anyway (Published 7-24-2012)

Q:

The man I lived with for 20 years died suddenly and unexpectedly. We were apart at the most 3 weeks in that time. I cannot process the kind of pain and deep loss I am feeling. To complicate matters, he was an obsessive controller. He shopped, did laundry, I was not even allowed to get the mail or see a bill. It has been 6 months and I am not able to function. I lie to my friends and say I paid my bills, and my mail box is full. I'm not lazy. I try, but there is this invisible source that stops me. Will this ever go away?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note and question.

As strange as it may seem to you, your lament is not that unusual. We’ve heard this many times.

Our definition of grief is, “The conflicting feelings caused by an end or change in familiar pattern of behavior.”

For 20 years, what you were “familiar” with was him doing everything. Now that he’s gone, it’s almost as if you’re paralyzed and can’t do anything.

It makes sense to us that the “invisible source” that stops you is the habit and the memory of the past 20 years. That habit and memory put you so much in mind of him and how much you miss him, that you stop yourself.

The key here is in recognizing that the emotions involved in him being physically absent from your life—while powerful and valid—cannot stop you from taking care of the day-to-day actions of your life.

Here’s a little something you can use to help yourself. Decide that you must go to the mail box and say to yourself, “My heart is broken, I miss him so much, AND, I need to go out to the mail box and take care of important things in my life. I’m scared, and I don’t want to do it, but I will do it anyway.”

That way you can have the fear and other feelings, but still take the actions you need to take.

Then, some time after you’ve gotten the mail, you can sit down at the table and say, “My heart is broken, I miss him so much, AND, I need to pay these bills and take care of my life. I’m scared, and I don’t want to do it, but I will do it anyway.”

Using this idea, one thing at a time, you can start to take care of yourself, while still honoring your feelings of sadness, of loneliness, etc.