Guys' Body Image Insecurities

Men spend a lot of time wondering what it's like to look like you. How it would feel to have soft hair that always smells so good, ridiculously smooth skin, that remarkable little spot between your hip and your pelvis…. OK, I'll stop. But do you ever wonder what it's like to look like us? Of course that all depends on which guy you talk to and what he sees in the mirror. Take me: I'm tall and I like it. I can always see at parades; getting things off the top shelf is never a problem; and women say my size makes them feel safe with me, which is awesome—that is, until we're getting hot and heavy and they expect me to be some kind of he-man. The last woman I disappointed was straddling me in my kitchen while wearing nothing but a pair of high heels. "Hold me up while we do it, Cowboy," she purred. Eager to please, I hoisted her as long as I could before my arms started shaking and I half-dropped her on a pile of dirty dishes. This left me feeling pretty emasculated, the opposite of gunslinging. At least I'm not the only man with body hang-ups; after I treated them to a total of about 50 beers, my friends held forth about…

…how it feels to be bald.

"The hard part isn't being bald, it's going bald," says my friend Brian,* 26, whose dome is as smooth as a baby's butt. "For a woman, imagine your breasts getting a little smaller every day until one day you wake up and they're gone. I never had trouble meeting women, but when my hair started to go, so did my self-esteem. I thought, Uh-oh, I'd better get a personality!"

It was right around that time that Brian met Julie, a super-funny chick who loved his new and improved personality. They're now engaged, and he's confident he'll make a great husband: "How could I ever cheat on the woman who fell for me in my Howie Mandel years?" he says.

…how it feels to be a McDreamy.

My friend Slater, 29, is so good-looking, women describe him as "beautiful"—a quality he says makes it hard to get a date. "Before I even open my mouth, I'm considered a player, so they're really guarded," he tells me. His solution? "I let women approach me," he says. "Of course they tend to be super-outgoing, partyer types who don't really care if I'm a slut or not. The day a sweet girl-next-door type walks up to me in a bar, I'll be floored, and I'll be into it."

…how it feels to have a beer gut.

Kevin, 32, is single and probably carrying 25 pounds too many. "Extra weight actually makes you appear more powerful," he says. "It's a lot easier to push through a crowded room at 220 than at 180. That said, I don't feel so invincible during sex. Lighting is very important. I prefer none. When I meet my dream girl, maybe then I'll lose the weight." I'm tempted to come out and say it: "Well, Kev, have you ever thought you're using the weight as an excuse? If things don't work out with a woman, at least you weren't your best self'?" But I'm his buddy, not his therapist, so I shut it.

…how it feels to be a small guy.

My friend Paul, 36, can't be more than 5'4" and 120 pounds (he's not telling). He also wears $800 suits, plays seven instruments and probably earns more money in a year than I will in my lifetime. "When I realized I was always going to be short," he says, "I decided I'd just have to be better at everything than taller guys." He gives me a meaningful look. "And I mean everything." Oh, yeah? But how long could he suspend a naked woman over a kitchen sink?

Jake is a real, live single guy—give him ideas for his next column here.