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Topic Review (Newest First)

10-17-16 05:19 PM

Dave T Hobbit

Try showing evidence of things rather than telling the reader. For example, instead of narrating that the innkeeper's wife always treated the soldiers as she would any other customer, show how she treats a regular, show people being annoyed at the guards, and then show her treating the guards the same way she treats the regular.

10-14-16 06:43 PM

dsol

was hoping for some helpful advice to make this pile of crap less steamy haha

10-10-16 01:43 PM

dsol

A Good Start

So I have been writing 40k based stuff on and off for over 7 years now. I am VERY MUCH an amateur at best. But recently I was asked to play D&D. I have wanted to play as long as I could remember but I never knew anyone who did. Long story short, to help me get into the setting (which is not one I have ever read or wrote) I picked up a few Forgotten Realms books. I fell in love with the setting, which I figured I would since I do love video games of that fantasy realm. Anyway let me stop blabbering...
Here is my first attempt at any writing like this. It is a very very rough draft for the start of a novel that I am working on with a buddy. Not sure if it will go anywhere or not but I suppose we have to at least start to figure out if its a flop or not.
Any help or criticism is much appreciated.
Thank You

The Drunken Lady is a well known place in the area. Greatfood, great atmosphere, very peaceful. Usually a pretty crowded place. Most thecliental are repeat customers who are known by owners and vice versa.

Past few evenings there has been a rowdy bunch of soldiers,4 or 5 who have been causing a disturbance in the tavern. The soldiers who arenot normally in this district of town are brought to the area on patrol; rumorsare that a mysterious murderer who has been targeting patrols has called thisdistrict home. The empire in their efforts to end the ploy of the murdererbefore further uprising becomes a problem has started guard patrols.

This normally would mean a better safer place but these areno "normal" guards. They are guards of the empire. Sworn only to theking and his desires for power they serve no man who is not of the king’slineage. They do the kings bidding without second thought, and could care lessfor the common man. The fact that the guard can do whatever they want if theyoffer their lives to the kings will created a breeding ground for murders,rapist, barbarians, thieves, thugs, and any lower form of life you can thinkof.

Samrin and his family are simple folk. They care not thatthis supposed king pin of a rebellious nature has taken resident in theirdistrict, nor do they care if the king successfully roots out and ends hisacts. They simply want to live their life and raise there son Wrynn, who hasshown excellent promise in becoming a great scholar.

Like clock work the door busted in right at midnight. Thefive soldiers busted in loud with laughter and comradely. Samrin did not likethe way they treated the other customers, who were in fact his friends andneighbors but what could be done? They were the King's Guardsmen. One does notsimply confront such people.

The guards made there way to the table in the corner, whichSamrin had made sure remained empty every since they started showing up. Hewould hate to see what they would do to the poor soul who was sitting therewhen they decided it was time for them to eat.

"Mead!" yelled one of them as they took thereseats at the booth in the corner.

As if on cue Aerith, Samrin’s wife approached the table withfive glasses full of the potent drink

"Any food tonight?" She asked.

She had always treated the soldiers as she would any othercustomer. That was her nature, caring, sweet, and most of all beautiful.

"Are you on the menu?" asked one of the guards ashe took a swig of the drink she had placed in front of him.

"We have fresh bread and roasted pork both made justthis afternoon." she stated, choosing to ignore the comment.

"I will take that." said one guard "Meto" said another

"More mead." said the one siting against the wallas he slammed down his now empty glass.

Aerith nodded and was off towards the kitchen. She walkedpassed Samrin. "I wish you would let me serve them, I don't like you beingover there with them." he whispered

"I tamed you, they are but men." she smirked andwas off to the kitchen.

As the night went on the guard drink more and more. Samrinnoticed it was by far the most they had drank yet. It was already three in themorning and they still showed no sign of letting up. There was only a hand fullof other customers in the tavern now. Mostly drunks or homeless folk that theylet stay until close...which was usually around this time.

"And then the bastard said "Honor above all".Can you believe that? Man is on the ground, in the mud, bloodier than hell andnow he is preaching to me?!" one soldier said loudly. He was veryintoxicated and getting deeply engrossed in his own story.

"So i says, "your honor got you killed" and iran him through!" he finished slamming his fist onto the table.

"The only way you could get a kill in single combat? Bythrowing a dagger at the mans wife to distract him? You are full of honoreh?" said the soldier sitting across from him. The whole group erupted inlaughter.

The boy barely able to cary all the glasses and not spillany emerged from the kitchen.

Samrin took the glasses from Wrynn "Finish the disheswill ya, then off to bed!" he said. The boy always refused to sleep whilethe Tavern was open.

Samrin approached the table distributing the glasses. Thesoldiers still laughing and joking amongst themselves. "Where is thelittle lady?" asked the soldier against the wall. "She is a prettyone, very rare for this district."

"Aye, I am a lucky man." Samrin replied.

"You might be, I am not the judge of that. But I askagain, where is the pretty lady?" The soldier reeked of mead.

The other soldiers got quiet noticing the situation. Samrintoo noticed what was happening. He had seen that look in a man's eye more timesthan he can count.

"Off to bed, she has to get plenty of beauty sleep tokeep looking that good." Samrin replied in a joking manner.

The four other guards all broke out in laughter. "Hehas a point you know. I had this woman friend back in Dunvale who..."Began the story telling soldier grabbing the attention of the soldiers all butone. He was staring straight into Samrin's eyes.

"Better get these dishes cleaned up." Samrin saidas he grabbed a few empty cups and headed back toward the kitchen.

When he got back to the bar he releived Wrynn of dish duty"Go and find your mother, tell her to stay upstairs no matter whathappens."

"Why fath..." Wrynn began “Just do it!"replied Samrin

Wrynn ran up the stair case behind the bar to there livingquarters on the second floor.

The soldier still staring at Samrin. Samrin stared back ashe began to clean more dishes.

The soldiers grew quiet, yet again noticing the tension."What did I miss? He say sumptin to ye?" asked one of the soldiers“Do you feel threatened?" asked another on the verge of laughter.

The quiet soldier glared at the others for only a momentbefore looking back to Samrin.

"Your name?" he questioned

"Samrin, Samrin Maz." He replied. Neither manlooking away. The tension now visible to the few other men in the tavern whowere now getting up and heading for the door.

"You look familiar." the soldier retorted.

"I am but a simple man, trying to make a simplelife."

"Yep, now I remember. I believe we seen you the othernight. Think you killed that group of soldiers down by the docks." Thesoldier said his tone showing no truth behind his words. The other soldierswere starting to grin. They knew where it went from here.

"I suppose we should arrest you, take you to the stocksfor questioning and all that. Dam shame, you have a good establishment here."

Samrin sighed, the soldier’s intent very clear to him now.Samrin knew this would only end one way, in blood shed. "Wasn't me youseen. I wouldn't dare cross the King's Guard." he replied, trying todivert the situation, even if it may be hopeless.

"hmm, I suppose we could settle this in a differentmanner. We being King's Guard an all." The soldier stated now grinning earto ear.

"And how would that be?" Samrin questioned, hopingthe ransom would only be a number of gold pieces.

The soldier stood up; in full armor sword at the hip he wasa beast of a man. Easily he stood a full head taller than Samrin. He walkedover to the bar in front of Samrin, only the bars width between them now. Thesoldier leaned in, nose to nose with Samrin. "Where did the pretty ladygo?" he asked.

Samrin did not falter, he did not cower, hell he wasn't theleast bit scared. He knew there was no going back now. He glanced out thecorner of his eye, the other four guardsmen were still seated at the table allwatching and waiting to see the outcome of the confrontation.

"In bed" he replied.

"Well, she must be lonely. Let me fix that." Thesoldier said. Before he could turn to walk towards the end of the bar he wasout cold, his body falling limp, straight down onto the floor.

Samrin, pan in hand looked at the other soldiers. One of twothings was going to happen, Samrin thought. They would either gather up theirdrunk friend or walk out, shocked at what has just transpired. Or they woulddraw there swords.

The soldiers all standing by the table now, the look ofshock easily visible on there faces. No one moved, no one made a sound. It was eerilyquiet. The soldier on the far left drew his sword, and then the three othersoldiers mimicked his act. Still they stood unmoving. Samrin still behind thebar, only an iron pan to defend himself with knew that none of them could leavealive. Even if he was victorious in this battle he knew that he and his familywould have to leave this place forever.

"Take him and leave." Samrin ordered.

"We are of the Guard you fool. If you think you cantake all four of us you might want to get something more than a dam pan."the soldier on the far left said.

"Aye, I might not get all four. But il be find withjust one." He retorted. He flung the pan like a frisbee, his reflexes mindnumbingly fast. The soldier on the far left had no chance to dodge it.

The iron pan found its mark; it hit the soldier straight inthe face. Blood splattered on the soldiers next to him. The pan had hit thesoldier so hard it killed him instantly, the lifeless body crumpling to thefloor.

The three other soldiers looked even more in shock. Losingtwo of there comrades so fast might have shocked them, but it did not detourthere lust for revenge. Swords raised and screams to match, the soldiers rushedtowards the now un-armed Samrin.