Is it the YMCA -- or the Temple of Doom?

Published 7:01 pm, Thursday, January 14, 2010

Entering the YMCA these days conjures up images of "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" -- in more ways than one.

Imagine, all you want to do is go for a swim, to get a little exercise. But beware, for there are perils ahead and nobody, just nobody, is doing a darned thing about them.

You will have to dodge deadly icicles, bacterial infections, exposures of nudity, and more. But the mission is to work out and be healthy, and so your mission begins:

You enter the building, knowing that there is a really, really big icicle about to drop off the YMCA's roof. How is it that the local press have missed this and failed to inform you on your mission? Maybe they were napping, along with the contractors when they forgot to install any gutters on the building (and the town seemed to think that was just fine as it issued the temporary C.O.). But don't be fooled -- this could be deadly, and you may fail in your mission to even enter the building if struck. Everybody, including the Y, seems to be turning a blind eye to this, although the Y has erected scaffolding along the sidewalk, presumably in the hope that a plank of wood will save the icicle's destined target! Don't risk it. Play with the traffic instead and step into the road.

You enter the building. You stop to admire the newly repainted outer doors -- but wonder if they ran out of money again for the inner ones? They ask you for your membership card -- it's fine, you don't need one anyway because they are so lax in handing them out. One of your kids has been a member for two years and has never received one. You befuddle the desk clerk easily. That "fancy" scanner is just for show.

You enter the locker room and change and prepare yourself for your swim. In the meantime, there are puddles of muck and filth all over the pool deck as hundreds of people tramp in and out wearing street shoes. Apparently, the Y is turning a blind eye to this practice too, because the Retired Men's Club members don't like to de-shoe before arriving by poolside. What is the Health Department doing about this? Not a lot it would seem. In the meantime, if you dare, let your feet go bare!

You enter and survive the icy waters. In order to complete your mission, you must pay a visit to the family locker room on your way out. This is located in a far-flung back stairwell three flights of stairs down from the pool deck. You shiver and slop your wet body down the outer stairwell. You slowly open the door, and are greeted by a fully nude, middle-aged man, perhaps thinking this would be fun, but certainly not expecting you, or a family (heaven forbid) to enter.

I know, you thought you were in a safe realm in the "family" locker room. You were fooled. All sorts of other fools use this locker room too, but mainly solo men and youths who occupy the bathrooms endlessly. The toilet is blocked and the temporary wall to another incomplete part of the renovation is knocked down.

You enter the final part of your mission -- you need to exit the building. You leave the chilly "family" locker room, thankfully unscathed, other than the visions of nudity. The fast way out is down the stairwell directly into the underground parking lot. Your luck is out. On this day, the YMCA in their wisdom, have decided to block off their only exit route from the building, with a chair and a barrier displaying a large notice not permitting you to pass.

You need to make a decision. Do you ignore the notice and call the Fire Department, or do you climb the three flights of stairs up, pass back onto the pool deck, exit through the single sex locker room and circuit back round the outskirts of the building whilst risking life and limb through the scaffolding/icicle setup?

You choose to ignore the notice. After all, the YMCA seems to ignore building regulations, fire regulations, health regulations, safety regulations and any other regulations apart from their latest C.Y.A regulations.

You exit the building. You survived the mission. Congratulations! But do you dare face the challenge again?