"So you say you have been mugged by a gang of cutthroat pirates sir? Tell it to someone who cares mate, now PISS OFF!"

IN ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF SELFLESS BRAVERY a Police Community Support Officer (PCSO) yesterday bravely stepped in to halt a group of schoolchildren from engaging in "antisocial carol singing within a public shopping precinct". More than sixty Muslims were severely offended as the group of 20 youth, led shamelessly by their music teacher, spontaneously broke into festive song.

Abdul Shotakunt, 23, expressed his own revulsion at the events, "my faith was most offended by these young infidels. They started to sing about getting "away in a manger", which is patently an aggressive and deliberate insult to Allah. Its a good job they were stopped by the PCSO as I was about to round up my brothers and demand they all be beheaded! "

Chief Superintendant Clarence Fockup praised the PCSO this morning, "Luckily the young Community Support Officer spotted the anti-social yobs as they stood in regimental order and overtly sung bias Christian-centric songs in plain view of a multitude of other faiths. We were lucky that a riot wasn't triggered by these young bigots!"

As the children were moved on music teacher, Mr Terrence Ganememde, was detained by the PCSO and was subsequently arrested by attendant police officers for "generic hate crime matters". Mr Ganemede faces a prison term of up to 34 years if convicted.