Having no role models

I will be 40 years old this upcoming June and the older I get, the more I realize that I literally had no role models in my family. Without going into all that is my familys personal business, I can safely attest that my family had it all…well……almost.

We all grow up thinking our families are nuts. I mean, what family doesnt have those quirky people? (by the way, I AM the quirky one…but in a good way)

What got me thinking about this? Two things. First-seeing people post something nice about their families. Second-my son recently told me that I was the only person he knew that hated love.

His statement and the matter-of-fact way that he declared it, made me take a step back.

No one will understand this, but I was raised without love. You may not believe me. But it is fact. My family shows ZERO emotion.

Sometime shortly before my parents got married, my fathers family attempted to break them up. It is apparent, from the lack of interaction I have with them, that my mothers family sorta ‘turned their backs’ on her and in turn, me. Beyond a chance once a year visit, I never saw that side of my family. I grew up with my fathers parents. Actually, it was more like I was raised by my grandmother.

While I am grateful that I had my grandmother to make sure I was ok, it would have been nice to been acknowledged by my mother. All these years later, I cannot even imagine why she would treat me the way she did. I didnt deserve for her to talk to me the way she did. My mother wasnt capable of love. Ive never gotten a hug or kiss from her and I havent received a Christmas or birthday card from her since I was 16.

Several ‘stories’ have floated around about circumstances surrounding my mother prior to her meeting my father. My mother refuses to even discuss this. And quite honestly, if they are true, I wish she would just own up. Maybe she could move on or something.

It saddens me, even tho it doesnt upset me anymore.

I always swore that I wouldnt be like them. Im aware that Ive backslidden on some occasions, but I know Ive told my kids I love them every day or on every interaction. I give them hugs (yea, even my 15 year old).

And while, my son may observe that Im not a lovey-dovey person, he knows that I love him.