I wrote the following letter back in March. I debated whether or not to post it because it is so personal. But I know there are so many women who have experienced this, so I just wanted to give you a glimpse into my heart.

I think about you everyday. I love you as if you were already in my arms.I imagine what you will look like~ the color of your hair & eyes.You are apart of my heart, a missing part of our family.Every month I hope for you. I have dreams about you. I calculate when your birthday will be and how old your big brother will be when you come. As hard as I try not to hope for you, I still hope every month...I'll keep praying for you. And I will wait. The incomprehensible bond between my heart and yours exists even before you do. The mystery of motherhood. One day I will hold you.And I will kiss your face and stare at your every feature, trying to memorize each expression.So today, we cannot cuddle in the rocking chair or stroll together outside. I can't watch you discover your hands for the first time or listen to you breathe. But one day we will.And until then, I want you to know that long before you are...you are wanted.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

The past few days Caedmon has said and done a few pretty cute things. I wanted to pass them along...

#1- The first comment came as we were driving down the road one day. Caedmon, who evidently has a fair amount of confusion regarding elements of time, said to me, "Mommy, when I was a little boy I grow up to be a farmer in college."

Didn't even know he was already considering colleges and vocations. I better catch up!

#2- This week as I tried to get all my groceries and a two year old from my car into our apartment I was reminded why I normally by my groceries online and have them delivered. I decided to try to carry them all inside at once so as not to have to make multiple trips with Caedmon in tow. Well I had 13 bags of groceries including two gallons of milk and a gallon of OJ. I said to Caedmon (who often stops to look at every bug, crack in the sidewalk, and piece of trash) "Let's walk quickly so Mommy's arms don't fall off." On our way in the apartment I saw a friend who asked how I was doing. I replied, "Great, but my arms are about to fall off!" Well, this REALLY concerned Caedmon because when we got inside he started saying, "Mommy, why are your arms going to fall off? No, Mommy! I don't want your arms to fall off! (tears) I don't want your arms to fall off!" Awww, thanks Caedo.

#3- This morning, also in the car (I guess he really does some deep thinking in that carseat) Caedmon says, "Mommy, did Jesus die on the cross for our sins because Jesus loves me?" This came after the conversation we had a couple weeks ago:

Caedmon: "Mommy, why Jesus died on the cross?"

Me: "He died to pay for our sins."

C: "Why he paid for our sins?Me: "Because he loves us and wants to have a relationship with us."

I guess he's putting it all together! Pretty amazing for a kid whose not even 3 yet!

#4- As many of you know, potty training has been quite the issue for us! Caedmon does NOT want to go poop on the potty. Ever! You may get lucky and catch him at just the right moment on occasion, but he'd really prefer to hold it whenever you sit him on the toilet so that you can enjoy cleaning up his mess later.

One complicating factor is that Caedmon very quickly loses interest in a rewards system. I've switched out my rewards half a dozen times, but rewards don't motivate him all that much.

Well, this past week I switched to a "potty chart" where he could earn a big reward (a new pair of pajamas) if he went poop on the potty 5 times. Each time he put a sticker on his chart to document it. Well it took him about 4 days to get the first 2 stickers but that 5th day he must have decided he really wanted those pajamas. He got a third sticker in the middle of the day. Then got out of his bed after bedtime and told me he needed to go, which he did. Another sticker. Then on the way back to his bedroom he started crying and insisting he needed to go again! So I let him but I didn't know what to do. I just gave him the 5th sticker and let him have the pajamas!

That joker totally played me! He went a little. Ran to the kitchen to get a sticker. And then came back to finish it off so he could get another sticker!

That little boy KNOWS how to use the potty. He's just stubborn enough that he's not going to do it unless it's on his terms! Right now my mom is laughing and saying, "You were the same exact way!"