Recap: 'America's Next Top Model' - 'Karolina Kurkova'

This week on “America’s Next Top Model,” nothing really happens! Yes, there is fighting, there are tears, and there are men in Mexican wresting masks, yet someone it manages to be the most boring episode of the season so far. Will I be able to get through the recap without making an obvious “Nacho Libre” reference? Read on after the break and find out.

Ann, with her three straight top photos and effusive praise from the panel, is number one and the girl to beat. House pariah Kacey is undeterred, and in interview announces her intention to take Ann’s place. She also decides to put in an effort to eliminate some of the tension in the house by getting to know the rest of the girls. She does this by initiating a question game, where we learn that Liz was once pregnant and in a homeless shelter, while Jane was born with a proverbial silver spoon. It’s a study in extremes! Extreme boringness.

Can we all agree that the most useless part of the show is when the girls read Tyra Mail and guess about the challenge to come? What a waste of 30 seconds of our lives. This week, the clue talks about having to “go backwards to move forward,” so Kayla guess it will be a “motion-packed photo shoot.” How enlightening. Despite the lame intro, this week’s challenge turns out to be fairly interesting. (Not nearly as interesting as the perfect mushroom cloud of hair on Miss Jay’s head, though.) The challenge is the girls’ second runway challenge but instead of being hoisted up three stories in the air, this time they are on the ground in a tunnel in downtown L.A….and that ground is actually moving conveyor belts. Which they don’t get to do a practice run on beforehand. Ha!

Chelsey goes first, and it does not go well. The conveyor belt moves much more quickly than anticipated and she stumbles her way down the runway. It would be sad, if it wasn’t so completely hilarious. Liz is next, and as soon as her feet hit the belt she immediately drops a few choice curse words, later saying she’d rather have natural labor than do this challenge. Heh. Jane goes next and does fine, but is vacant as per usual. Then I get distracted because they show a side-shot of Ann in a tight-fitting dress backstage, and Chris Griffin would be terrified because she is the Matrix. I know she’s apparently naturally skinny, but it’s genuinely uncomfortable to see. Later when walking, Ann almost takes a header off the front of the stage. Kendal doesn’t seem to have much trouble with the first conveyor, but loses her shoe on the second. Lexie and Kacey, despite being mortal enemies, manage to work it out. Esther somehow makes it through the conveyor belts but falls down the stairs leaving the stage. Last and kind of least, Chris is a complete mess. Sure-footed Kacey wins the challenge and celebrates loudly, which only makes the girls hate her more.

Later, André Leon Talley brings supermodel Karolina Kurkova to the house to teach the girls how to eat right. Karolina makes them a giant smoothie, which she says is better than cookies. Karolina. I love smoothies, even healthy green ones, but they are not better than cookies. It is those types of statements that make people hate healthy eating. Then Kacey, Lexie and everyone else in the house yell at each other some more, this time about someone or another being messy. It’s so tiring that even the sight of Liz losing it and getting up in Kacey’s face is barely amusing. Long story short: everyone hates Kacey, Lexie most of all. The end.

This week’s photo shoot takes place in the oh-so-cutting-edge world of Mexican wrestling. The outfits and hair make the models look more like dominatrix drag queens than wrestlers. Kendal, Jane, Lexie and golden girl Ann struggle while Esther, Kacey, Kayla and Chris acquit themselves well. Poor Ann cries about her bad performance in her interview. Do you think they’re setting her up for an amazing switcheroo photo? If so, congratulations! You’ve seen reality television before.

At panel, Tyra’s hair looks awesome. Her wig budget must be astronomical. Let’s get down to the photos: Kendal’s picture has good face, but her body language is lacking. Lexie’s picture is weak yet again. Despite her promising shoot, Esther’s picture only manages to be good, but not great. Chelsey’s picture is strong. Before seeing her shot, Ann cries again to the panel and then, of course, her picture turns out stunning. Oh, the other girls must hate that little game. Jane has another boring, disconnected pose. Chris’ picture is of her jumping, and it is pretty fantastic. Kayla’s photo is also great. Liz gets a fierce “what you say bitch?” picture to match her in-your-face treatment of Kacey earlier. Kacey’s picture is safe, but her gold boots are kind of fabulous.

Top photo? Goes to Ann, for the fourth straight week. Chris gets runner up, and she is so happy to just be nominated that she starts crying. Also safe: Chelsey, Kayla, Liz (who, it must be said, has the least flattering haircut ever), Esther, Kacey and Kendal are safe, leaving Lexie and Jane for the bottom two. Lexie’s luck ends and she is eliminated. Tyra buoys her spirits by calling her “genetically a model.” That is…debatable.

Next week: Ann finally sucks at something, and the girls shoot with Patrick Demarchelier on Rodeo Drive.