Sep 30, 2008

Sometimes I wish I knew what it was like to feel really really hurt.To not want to eat or sleep or study because I’m too tired and crying’s all I want to do.To feel so much pain that only dying could ease it.To lie on my bed and scream and cry and cry and cry for hours because I can’t do anything else.

Then maybe I’d understand you more.

It hurts when you cry like that, it hurts when you cry so much you start screaming.It hurts when you’ve got a sore throat because you’ve been crying for the past four and a half hours.It hurts when I know it’s all because of me and although I’m the closest person to you I can’t do anything to stop your tears from flowing.

It hurts when I get angry at you and deliberately say things I don't mean that hurt you so much more than I'd wanted it to.It hurts when you don’t know how much I love you.

I wish I could help you, I wish you’d accept me as a friend.I wish I could be there for you to at least make you feel a bit better.I wish you’d confide in and trust me.It hurts to see anyone suffer like that..I know I’m not close to you, I know I’ll never be.I wish I was somebody’s best friend.

And you,I don’t know how you do it but I wish I could do it too.Everyone’s laughing or chatting or studying together. I’m never with anyone, I’m always on my own.Not that it’s a bad thing, I like being alone sometimes; butI hate how I’m so antisocial.

I hate who I am.

I hate knowing that I could do everything I'm wishing for right now if I tried but I never make an effort.

I hate how I'm scared of balls in ball games and I always make my group lose although I know that if I'm just a bit more sporting and daring I just might be able to be useful to my group one day.

I hate how I know that if I studied just a bit more I’d be able to get better results, and maybe even an A or two, but I’m not putting in the effort and I know I’ll just cry over my results in the end but it was my own fault anyway.

I hate how I wish I could do so many things and I realise that I'm able to achieve everything I want but I'm just not trying.I hate knowing that maybe I’d be your friend if I just tried a little harder.

I wish I knew you.

And I know this is really anti-climax but I can't help but say:

I wish I knew what I was talking about.

Sherm, sometimes I really wish you were here with me.Really miss you loads girl.Remember lip-synching to the stupid songs in Malacca? (:Miss you crazy bitch.

But you’ve changed now too.

AHHHH WHERE ARE MY JMS ):

I need you more than anything right now.

I need you to remind me that there's someone out there who genuinely cares for me and will stay by me no matter what.

Sep 27, 2008

After having the same ambition for the past nine years but keeping it from everyone:

I want to be like Tay Kewei. (:

I bet you it won't change. My ambition hasn't changed for the past nine years.

Today I've finally revealed it.

(Partly because hardly anyone's going to see this because they're all revising for FYEs)

I've lied to quite a lot of people about my ambition because it's really embarrassing. I always tell people I just want to do music and I don't care what job it'd be as long as it's related to music, but it's always been much more specific than that.

Of course I wouldn't mind doing any job as long as it's related to music. I could even work with Wewe and be the receptionist. (Actually I think that's the best job. Pick up the telephone and go "Hai die yin yue sen lin" all day and take attendances and chat with students - and the artistes when they come - and eat in the office although it's stated NO EATING and play online Mahjong with the rest of the people in the main office when Boss ain't here)

But my ultimate ambition's always been much more specific.

I want to be exactly like Tay Kewei. (:

For those of you who don't know who she is:

She joined Project Superstar but was super late for the auditions because she'd just rushed back from JJ'S CONCERT IN TAIPEI. She's a backup singer for people like JJ, Leehom & David Tao. She's got videos of her singing on Youtube. I just watched the Di Yi Ge Qing Chen (by Leehom) one. Her voice in that video isn't as good as how it can be but it still rocks the shit out of me anyhow. Just went to her blog. I officially love her to the max.

Janice helped me take the application form for Very Singers' Training Course, the one JJ, By2, A-do (basically all the OB singers because they had to go through the training course lah), Kewei, Junyang etc graduated from. Jt was once inside too because of her composing talent (:

The stupidest thing is that auditions are at the end of the year which means that the course'd be during O level year.

I definitely won't be able to get in lah, they select like very very few people, and then during the course most of them get kicked out along the way also until there are like damn few left. Their standards are fucking high (Obviously lah, like hello IT'S A SINGER'S TRAINING COURSE -.-)

But I think I'll go for the auditions with the JMs anyway, just for fun, to see where I stand, even though I know my parents won't let me join because it's O level year.

No wait. Before all this, I aspire to be like Ariel Guo (: (Although I don't think she knows who I am) Even that's too far off please.

I KNOW.

I ASPIRE TO BE LIKE JANICE. (: (Go jan! I plan to post vids of you singing after exams, together with my camp videos and everything :D)

There, I've just told the everyone my dream. I'll continue to lie if people ask me, but whoever sees this post knows now.

I'll continue singing my heart out in OB and working on mistakes pointed out by Laoshi and composing tunes to Spermin's half-done lyrics (so we always end up with half-done songs) and grabbing every opportunity that comes my way (if my parents allow me to).

And if I end up with a job not related to singing (which is highly probable), I'll buy a home studio and sing my life away.

Stop asking me why I'm in Dance. I vowed never to take Choir because in primary school my choir instructor hated me (because my singing sucks lah). She kept saying my voice is very airy (but I've managed to change it, but now it's too strained haha I'm the pro), I joined Dance because Nadine wanted to.

Me: Someday I'll be pretty and elegant enough to be able to wear a dress.

Laogong: Stop shaking your leg on the escalator!

Eh I mean it okay.

I aspire to be chio and glam enough to be able to wear a dress one day (:

(*tries to get leg off table*)

Am I the only person here who hasn't read the last Harry Potter book?

HAHAHAHA

Eh JMs (or anyone for that matter), one day we'll go on a Harry Potter Movie Marathon can

PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE?

I was reading my dad's super old magazine and they were talking about the Order of the Pheonix and they showed pictures of the 3 characters when they were in the first and third movie and I fell in love with them again.

Sep 24, 2008

"There was a law in India(abolished only about 80 years before) where a widowed woman would be burned alongside her dead husband's body in the funeral pyre. This was done so that the woman would not be a burden to society nor would she fall prey to the advances of other men as her protector(read: husband) was no longer around. If any law has ever disgusted me, it is this one"

I LOVE MISS JERENE SIM, although this is the first time I'm being taught by her (She's relieving Mr Lee because he's doing something with the Sec 4s)

She's very energetic, gets my attention and everything. And I think I understand her much much much better than Mr Lee also.

Haha yesterday was a damn eventful day:

1) Wanted to go to Suntec to repair my phone but at City Hall I realised that my phone was more or less okay already so I decided to turn back but I met this ah ma asking me how to go to Carrefour so I told her I was going to Suntec too so I walked with her. Then like she was damn nice the whole way, talking about the stress of secondary school life and how her daughter used to be from Crescent too and even asked me if I'd eaten already hahaha. Then she seemed like damn grateful to me and everything hahaha :D She's damn cute!

2) After showing her the way to Carrefour I saw Sasa and I couldn't resist the temptation to go inside and have a look, and then the salesperson who attended to me was SO DAMN NICE TO ME I felt so guilty about not intending to buy anything. She was very sweet and recommended me stuff and gave me tips and everything. So in the end I got this cool mascara remover thing for $16.90. It lookslike mascara but the tip looks more like a comb and not like a brush, and it's remover inside the bottle instead of mascara. Hope it works well (:

3) Went to OASIS CAFE (!!!) to buy food for Laogong, and there was chicken kebab for $5.50 (:D!!!) so I bought that then while the guy was making it the woman at the counter asked if she could take a look at my phone. She was like damn interested in my straw heart keychains :O

Created an LJ blog for Baobei and me. I'll probably be locking nearly all the posts. Friends only. People who know me (Classmates, sec 3/4 dancers, JJFC etc), add me! (Msn/sms me for my username, I'd rather keep it as unknown as possible)

No Dance juniors please. (Sorry peeps, I STILL LOVE YOU GUYS)

And if you don't have an LJ account but would still like to view it (Maybe Celeste/Jan/Spermin?) you guys can use my account (: But must leave comments and tell me who you guys are okay! Msn/sms me. (:

4. The most memorable thing he/she has done for youUh, lent me her bottles of shampoo and face wash when I wanted to bathe after badminton but forgot to bring my stuff. Oh and she went with me to buy a bra after badminton once because I wanted to bathe but forgot to bring one :O

5. The most memorable thing he/she has said to you"Wah lao you suck eh!"

6. If he/she becomes your lover, you will?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

7. If he/she becomes your lover, one thing he/she'll have to improve on will beNot expect me to wait on her hand and foot/give in to her all the time and treat her like a princess like she expects everyone to uh.

9. If he/she becomes your enemy, the reason will beProbably everything we fought about last month. (But everything's okay now)

10. You want to tell for he/she nowAre there two errors in that sentence? (For, he/she?)

Anyway. I CANT STAND YOU AND YOUR BF'S RELATIONSHIP OMG

11. Your overall impression of him/her isSiao.

12. How do you think people around you feel about you?They're obviously all head over heels in love with me cos I rock so bad :D

13. The character about yourself you loveThe fact that I'm not that temperamental (: PEACE

14. On the contrary, what you hate about yourself isMy eyes/face/complexion/thighs/hips. And how I know that I can achieve so much more if I put in just a bit more effort but I never bother to so I never achieve anything.

15. The most ideal person you want to beLIKE SILVANA/NADINE(!!!!!!)

And Eudea's Chemfreak brain.

16. For people who care and like you, say something to them.LUBCHEWX!!!:O

22. When was the last time you had a chat with no.3? (Janice)Can't remember but she SMSed me something like "if there was one thing you could steal from me what would it be?" Then I said her voice :/

23. What kind of music band does no.8 like? (Kelly)I asked Kelly and she said "I love --------'s band! (I'll get an SO if I put her name. Guess)

24. Does no. 1 have any siblings? (Baobei)Yah but he died in a gang fight in Malaysia when he was 15 and laogong was 9. :/

25. Will you woo no. 3? (Janice)If I was a guy (and if she wasn't attached now).

26. How about no.7? (Cui Xiao)YOU MAD AH!

27. Is no. 4 single? (Taiwan Suah)ARE YOU MAD?

If Jessie breaks up with YL and decides to go out with YS (Suah I really think you should. You damn mean to YS leh!!!) then she would have had 3 relationships in the time that Laogong and I were together (10-11 months -.-)

28. Surname of no. 5? (Samantha)Lun.

29. Hobby of no. 10? (Rachel)Eh no idea. It'd better be dancing :D :D

30. Do 5 and 9 get along well? (Samantha & Guin)They're both dancers but I don't think they know each other because one's in sec 1 and the other's in sec 4 :/

31. Where is no.2 studying? (Maddie)Can't remember, some private school near Redhill I think?

32. Talk about no. 1 (Baobei)I love you more than words can express (:

33. Have you tried developing feelings for no.8? (Kelly)HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Sep 11, 2008

Since don't-know-when when we had to rearrange our tables there's been an extra table at our row, so it's been Kelly-me-Teryne-extra table. Then later my table got so freaking cluttered with all my stuff that there was no space to put anything anymore so I used Teryne's table to do work and Teryne sat at the extra table.

Then now Annie's moving so I actually cleared my table to make space (I was actually kind of shocked to see my table so empty) and now it's Kelly-Annie-me-Teryne hahaha.

Oh and I've got pictures of Mingxuan trying to hit a bee with her Geog textbook.

And I've got a picture of Cuixiao sleeping in the weirdest position ever (WINKWINK HAZEL AND JESSIE) HAHAHA.

Ohman I've got so many pictures to upload D:

Tears flow but I can't let anyone know.

(MUST PRACTICE EMOTIONAL CONTROL!)

Eh omg they rhyme. :D

Thanks for today, Amelia (:

Dancers:

Sorry.

I don't know what I'm sorry for.

Sorry I'm not being as strict as I should be, sorry the discipline standard of Dance is falling.

I seriously think that if I wasn't Discipline head, perhaps the discipline standard would be better, especially if Amelia was head. (shudder)

I don't know. Is what I'm doing correct? I'm trying to make friends with the juniors so that they'll know me better and see the nicer side of me, and maybe they'll respect me more, and maybe they'll actually listen when I scold.

I don't just want to be a Discipline head; I want to be there for them when they need help, whether it's in Dance or school stuff or maybe even personal problems, I want to be someone they'll come to when they need help, or maybe when they're looking for someone to crap with. I want to be a friendly senior, maybe even a friend.

I just hope they'll listen, I hope they'll cooperate.

And the Sec 3s too, seriously, I think our level's the most ill-disciplined of the lot. I know I shouldn't be saying this here, sorry, but I really think we shouldn't be behaving this way. Even the Sec 2s are more hardworking than us; when the other group was learning the moves and our group was resting, most of the Sec 2s were actually practicing and the Sec 3s were just sitting around and chatting.

And then we tell them "if you have nothing to do, practice your movements!"

Isn't it quite hypocritical?

(Btw juniors, please don't disrespect us or anything because of this. Trust me, we've worked super super super super hard before, we know how it feels to be so fatigued from dance that we can't even walk out of the hall to refill water bottles, to be scolded badly by seniors, we've been through everything and more please.)

I'll show everyone.

I'll be the best Discipline Head there ever was and we'll all really work very hard for SYF, to clinch that Gold with Hons again, to bring glory to Crescent Dance and our school and all of us.

So when we DIAO movements during SYF pract in December, don't want to see anyone doing half-heartedly okay. It always happens because diao-ing is damn tiring, but when it gets tiring, all the more we should D.I.A.O :D

Shit this is so cool. Next time during SYF pract when you guys are half-dead I'll remind y'all of this ;D

Sep 10, 2008

I'm in love with Millie's handwriting, come on everyone say you are too.

LOVELOVE

"The silence makes me wish that I were deaf. It's like a bell ringing for much too long and you just want to stop your ears from listening or run away. It's extremely ruthless and exhausting after a day or so, and yet I've sat here for a week with this silence, wondering if maybe I’m about to go mad. The expression 'silence is golden' has never made my book, because silence is forlorn. And a lonely silence will never be anything other than depressing.""I know that while I'm sitting here, being lonely and distraught, he is by the sea, strumming his dreams, doing what he loves best. His dreams are too big and no town will ever be big enough to contain them. I might be selfish when it comes to certain things, but right now he seems like the selfish one, although if he came back to me right at this moment, I would never think of him being selfish ever again."Ahh no I'm more in love with her essay about someone who failed to live up to her reputation. OMG IT'S THE EMOEST THING EVER. MILLIE, SEND ME!!!

And Millie you must go become a writer okay, seriously seriously.

Go migrate to Australia or something first because Singaporean writers somehow all cmi one D:

I shall tell you guys my long dance story another time. (I told a few juniors before already but whatever)

But anyway, I (and all the Sec 3 dancers) really do understand what it's like to be in Sec 1.

So don't be afraid of us. Our job is to help you guys out and help you guys become true Crescent dancers, and we're always there for you guys okay? (:

And I really really really think I should be in Welfare instead of Discipline haha.

But since the seniors chose me to be Discipline head, I can't let them down. So I must be a good discipline head and beat all the juniors into shape because the level of discipline in dance is really going down so much (even some sec 1s said they could see that okay. Shit I suck at disciplining dance ahhh).

SO YOU GUYS MUST DO YOUR PART ALSO OKAY. DONT WAIT FOR SENIORS TO SHOUT AN JING BEFORE YOU KEEP QUIET. YOU KNOW HOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BEHAVE. CRESCENT DANCE WAS WELL-KNOWN FOR BEING VERY WELL-DISCIPLINED. DON'T RUIN THE REPUTATION!!!!!

Oh wait, this post was about me being nice.

Yes yes I'm a nice person. But when I have to scold I will okay.

Argh wait.

Okay forget all the crap above. I am a nice person. Add me on msn or something.

I hate having to keep trying to keep up a good image all the time,to have to lie,to have to cover up for nearly everything I do,to not be able to be as free as I'd like to be,just so that perhaps, people will respect me.

I hate stereotypes.

Amelia:I can't stand it when you bring the religion thing in because we both know I can't argue about that.I don't know how to explain it to you and I never will be able to explain it to you because you're adamant in your point of view, about how it's morally wrong.It's not that I don't agree with that, I mean you can't argue with the Bible can you?But you wouldn't be able to understand it from my point of view if you don't be a bit more open-minded.I'm sort of tired with talking about it with you and trying to get you to understand it with my point of view because I know you'll never understand.And anyway, you won't really know until you've been through it yourself (:

Don't you think it's a miracle when two people love each other?It's not even like one party even gao bai-ed to the other.Isn't it a miracle when the person you loves loves you too?It's not even like I liked - because - confessed or anything. Neither of us confessed (lor).Isn't love a wonderful thing?

Why should love be restricted? Shouldn't love be free?

P.S. I HATE FLIRTS AND PEOPLE WHO DON'T TAKE RELATIONSHIPS SERIOUSLY/ GO OUT WITH OTHERS JUST TO BE OF A HIGHER SOCIAL STATUS OR SEEM COOLER/ PLAY AROUND/ YAH, DON'T TAKE RELATIONSHIPS SEROIUSLY/ WHATEVER.SO FREAKING IMMATURE YUCKS YUCKS YUCKS.

Sep 7, 2008

Karen cant log on to her computer on start up D: (even with the admin profile!) HOWHOW?? ANYONE FROM CGS THAT EXPIRIENCE THE SAME PROBLEM CAN U LIKE CALL/SMS/TAG PLEEEEASSEEE? (anyone who can contact the TA please help too)wtf, 10 more days till exam and this happens -.-!!!HEELLPPPP!!!!!!!!

Dancers: How was combined prac with NH? No discipline problems I hope :D Hope you guys had fun because I HAD FUN AT CAMP HAHAHAHA

NACLI!!!!

I was in the Red Devils team with Mingxuan, Janeen, Wanmin, Rayna (new friend who happens to be Sherm's close friend and fellow DBSK fan :O), Artrllian, Cynthia, AJ (who had to leave on the 1st day D:), Siying, Minyi, Zuoen, Deena, Huiyan & Janell :D

Okay lah, played a lot of stupidly fun games, too lazy to explain. There was this thingy where all of us in the Red Devil team had to walk on this tightrope thingy without support from anyone below (so we only had each other and pillars at the ends of the rope for support. Like uh rope pillar rope pillar rope pillar, but the distance between the rope and the pillars was rather far away). And we all kept falling and having to restart. The Cheena Warriors (Sam Low, Letty, Xiuxian, Jollin, Teryne, Jieying, Xinshyan etc) had to walk from the other end, so there would be this place where both groups would meet haha. In the end nobody made it to the other end hahaha.

Oh and Jieying Mingxuan and I did flag-raising on the last day! Mingxuan was in charge of the Singapore flag, I did the PA flag and Jy did the Nacli flag. At first I wanted to hang my flag upside down for fun but decided to be a nice guai person hohoho (and I took up Rayna's dare to walk around with my shirt completely tucked into my FBTs for half a day okay) so I didn't do it ): And like haha apparently it was Jy's childhood dream to raise the flag or something, then before assembly she was singing the national anthem to herself and raising the flag hahaha.

Chatted with Jieying, Zuoen, Janeen, Wanmin, Mingxuan & Xinshyan in my (and Wamin's and Janeen's and Mingxuan's and Minyi's) room until around 1am? Quite interesting haha, found out a lot more about some of them even though I'm not like close to them or anything (plus I never knew who Zuoen was until camp hahaha). __'s kindergarten peeing thing damn cute HAHAHA. Oh and so was Janeen's voice because she screamed herself hoarse.

Failed ah lian wannabes :D

& the best part of camp - MAD NIGHT! ;D

All 4 groups (Red Devils, Cheena Warriors, Nobody & Cowgirls) were supposed to come up with 1 skit, 1 dance (they'd select the songs for us) and 2 charade-like thingies. Our group's skit was about a tug-of-war competition between the Netball team and the Chess Club team (the team I was in). And the chess clubbers were supposed to tuck their shirt all the way in haha damn funny, and and it just so happened that when we were rehearsing before that, we were standing in black shirt - white shirt - black shirt - white shirt - black shirt, so it looked like a chessboard HAHAHAHA SO COOL RIGHT.

And for the dance item we got YMCA HAHAHA!

Cheena warriors did The Ketchup Song, which was like damn unfair because Letty and Xiuxian were in that group and we learnt the Ketchup song's dance in Dance so they already had moves choreographed for them ):

And I wish I knew you, even though I don't think you even know my name.

But I think a lot of people probably wish they did, haha.

And you too, I wish I knew you, I wish you know how much you inspired me and everything, but I doubt you know me.

Sounds kinda stupid I know.

(:

I should be hating you.

I hate people who become so fake,

pretend to like stuff they don't, and do stuff they never did,

act like a completely different person,

just because they want to be popular.

I can have a great chat with you when we're alone together, and you seem like a really nice person, a really good friend I can confide in,tell

and then the next day you're a totally different person, I can't recognize you anymore, it's like as if someone else has taken over your body. And then you're so fake, so fake and everyone around you can see it.

I really should be disgusted at you.

I don't know why I still trust you as a good friend, after all that, and the stuff you did to me.