Outrage in Calvary as emergency services took three days to respond

Angry residents are demanding an immediate investigation into the case of a crucified man with serious injuries to his hands, feet and side who had to wait three days for paramedics to arrive on the scene.

Last seen out for a meal with his friends before being offered a lift ‘home’ by uniformed officials, the innocent victim of this so called religious hate crime has been named as one Jesus former resident of Bethlehem, Egypt, Nazareth and most recently Bethany. It is believed he had only just checked into a modest hotel in Jerusalem on a weekend city break with some mates having travelled the last part of his journey by donkey.

Police had released a photo fit identity picture of the missing man describing him as a 1st century Palestinian Jew with unusually long blond hair and piercing blue eyes which could mistakenly lead people to believe he was Caucasian. Further information released suggested that although he could be quite preachy at times he did have a common touch, was always ready to share his lunch with anyone and could often be found in the company of tax collectors, prostitutes and those with infectious diseases. Police are considering if this is a possible motive and something that contributed to his downfall.

Lawyers and other legal experts for the Golgotha Primary Care Trust have denied any wrongdoing. A spokesman said ‘Our triage system noted the life threatening nature of the injuries but due to our strictly imposed work to rule Sabbath regulations we were unable to get there any quicker.

And in our defence the location given for the injured party as ‘a newly cut tomb, garden somewhere outside of Jerusalem’ didn’t help make the search any easier.

Finally on the third day paramedics arrived on the scene to find the supposed location of the fatally injured man empty. A spokesman for the Golgotha PCT argued that ‘given the fact that it was it was a group of women giving the information and we all know how unreliable they can be when it comes to giving directions, the fact that we arrived there at all was a miracle in itself.’