Sister Wives

I know y’all are waiting with baited breath for the new season of Sister Wives to premiere tonight on TLC. You’ve missed Kody Brown’s luscious locks, haven’t you? Admit it! Not to mention, there have been teasers galore about a new lady joining the Brown clan. Whoever could it be?

Spoiler alert: it’s me! Don’t I wish? I’d love to put Meri’s wet bar to actual use (seriously, why did she need that thing?) and take a crack at writing their family mission statement. Kidding! I wouldn’t last a day in that red clay cul-de-sac compound! So who could this mystery woman be?

How are we already at the end of the Sister Wives’ season? It’s reunion time, and Tamron Hall is hosting Kody Brown, his hair, and his four wives, and she is such a class act. Right off the bat, she revisits Meri’s decision to get a wet bar go back to college and Kody’s stick straight locks in the scene. Geez, it’s horrible. Kody is supportive of his first wife’s plan, but Robyn is just a ball of fun when she learns the news. The sighing and the jaw clenching is intense. Meri is tearing up just watching the playback of the situation. Robyn tries to clarify that she didn’t feel betrayed, but she did feel ditched. She doesn’t want Meri to find better friends outside of the family…um, these women aren’t friends. Christine thinks that Meri heading back to school is the best thing for Meri. Since Mariah left, Christine feels that Meri has disengaged, and fulfilling herself through college will be just what she needs to find happiness.

Next we go back to the time that Kody pounded on his chest and talked about hormone swapping through make-out sessions with Mykelti and her now former boyfriend. Kody is so proud of his little speech, and Robyn once again reminds us that pre-marital sex is bad, bad, bad. Christine loves that Kody makes kissing sound gross to potential suitors. Tamron looks perplexed by the entire conversation, and I can’t say I blame her. The topic segues to the importance of My Sister Wives’ Closet. Finally, Janelle speaks, and she looks amazing. Tamron chides Kody about his temper tantrum in the counseling appointment where he said he never got to be the leader of the family. He is constantly asking for permission from his wives and seeking a consensus. Robyn praises Kody for being a great leader. I wonder if she ever gets tired of constantly stroking his ego…

It is bad news for Real Housewives of New Jersey and Game of Crowns. Real Housewives of New Jersey lost over 500K viewers, with 1.642 million total viewers (but only 994,000 viewers in the key demo) watching the holiday episode. The premiere of Game of Crowns did not garner 1.2 million viewers as previously reported. Actually, 666,000 watched the premiere and 516,000 watched this week‘s episode, and now Bravo bumped it out of its time slot next week in favor of Don’t Be Tardy.

I know y’all are sad you won’t be seeing Kody Brown’s gorgeous locks, fancy side ponytail, and denim tuxedo for a while, but alas, last night was the season finale of Sister Wives. The family is back in Las Vegas, which means no more road trip hijinks or Kody shiz shows when “someone” forgets to tightly screw in the tube on the camper’s sewage valve. Ahh, memories. Instead, the season’s final episode treated us to yet another family party. These folks have to commemorate every event with a veggie tray and mission statement, that’s for sure.

The family is prepping for a slide show that chronicles the family since Kody’s wedding to Meri up through his (not recognized by law) union with Robyn. Good times! The crafy Browns are also putting together a scrapbook of their journey through the years. Robyn is thrilled because it’s the first album in which she’ll make an appearance. Self-absorbed much? Kody is strutting a blue tooth (what is this 2009?) and that horrible ponytail that makes him look like a cartoon samurai while dodging inquiries from Christine and daughter Aspyn about Robyn’s growing belly. He fumbles over a “no, she’s not pregnant, what are you talking about?” statement while grinning ear to ear. Don’t ever play poker, Kody. Really. Don’t.

The reality TV viewer numbers are in – and Real Housewives of New Jersey failed to draw a big crowd. The season 6 premiere attracted 2.14 million viewers overall. However, in the key demo, it was the lowest rated premiere episode in the history of the show. For comparison’s sake, season 5 premiered to 2.842 million and the season 5 average was 2.29 million.

Hey! Remember on last week’s Sister Wives when Kody got showered in waste at the RV park? Good times for sure! The Browns are on their way across country to meet a Christian polygamist family whose faith isn’t rooted in Mormon principles. This guy is living Kody’s dream. He once got his wife to bake for him and then complained while she was baking that she wasn’t available to cuddle. What will remedy that? Another wife! Who is this guy and how stupid are his wives?

Kody is sporting a fancier version of his usual denim button down. It’s got embroidery on it. Christine is a bit wary about driving across country to meet a family they don’t know. Janelle is happy to mingle with like-minded people. In the dark of night, the families meet, and Kody is beside himself trying to impress the cool Nathaniel Richard and his wives. From what I gather, he only has two wives. They admit to living a secret life, but the Richards share that there are a lot of plural families living in Missouri.

The Richards kids channel their best Sound of Music as they march their way through roll call. The families share a Passover meal where they celebrate (?) beasts and boils. Nathaniel is only thirty-three, and the Brown wives remember just how bright-eyed and idealistic Kody was at his age. From what I gather, the Richard family won’t be getting a spin-off any time soon. They aren’t hip even by Meri standards, and one of the wives is sporting a straight-up banana clip. Someone get this lady a scrunchie so we can at least bring her into the early 90s!

Married to Medicine‘s season finale attracted 1.917 million fans, which is a whopping 1.1 million MORE viewers than last week. Leading into the reunion specials, the season two average is 1.76 million. While I think it’s obvious that Married to Medicine cannot stand on its own (the numbers plummeted both times RHOA didn’t air in front of it), I think Bravo will grant it a third season.