Middle-Age
Relationships

Empathy, finding love, and an appreciation for
music

Last week's message, that there is more to life after 50
than just finding love, struck chords in ways I did not
anticipate.

I had no idea so many of you enjoy the song "Stay" by
Jackson Browne, including my brother Bill, from Dallas. He
and I had never shared that information before. Close to 200
champs clicked on the link to listen to it.

John, Pennsylvania, said: "I love the song 'Stay.' Having
been in bands in the 70's, I recall those sounds Browne
sings about: I can hear the sounds of slammin doors and
foldin chairs, and that's a sound they'll never know."

Responses from people I cannot help

Responses came from people I cannot help, including the
non-champ whose brief response was "Blah-blah-blah." Guess
she wasn't too impressed.

Another woman I cannot help wrote,"I am soon to be 49 and
just came out of another breakup--this time with someone I
really fell in love with.

"I am panicked I am going to be alone the rest of my
life. I attract men but then repel them. I don't know how to
change what I am doing. What happens when you have so much
baggage--as I do--how to disclose and not disclose?

"My baggage is 14 straight years of never-ending
litigation with my ex--he sues me constantly. Unfortunately
this is not likely to stop soon, and so that is a large part
of the confidence issue. Professionally I am successful and
independent. Aesthetically I am or at least have been told I
am attractive (former cheerleader, etc), and I am in shape.

"I don't know how to break this cycle and now I have so
much baggage and scar tissue I am literally petrified I am
scarred for life and that no one I want will want me.

"How do I break this cycle of dysfunction so I am not
single the rest of my life? I hired a shrink at the end of
May after the last breakup.

Tom's comment to her:I cannot help you. You need a
therapist and a good lawyer.

Responses from champs who found empathy in the
message

Bobbi said, "I will turn 60 next year and the thought of
looking for that 'love of my life' seems overwhelming and
not possible. My folks are in their 80's and are losing
their home; they will be moving in with me. Taking care of
them and dealing as an entrepreneur in a down economy means
no retirement on the horizon. Your newsletter helps me live
vicariously through all of you. Keep up the trips, advice
and the stories."

Joy:"I have endured hard times in the last few years.
After my divorce (married 33 years), I became a realtor and
was moderately successful for 16 years - until the bottom
fell out of the real estate market and I had to give up. I
had many debts to pay and wound up having to sell my
beautiful home and car and move to a condo.

"Now, at 73, I work 45 hours a week at senior care giving
(mostly Alzheimer's clients). I, too, am totally exhausted
after my 9 hour days and at the low pay ($9.50 an hour
through an agency) and have no money left to date. Gentlemen
today expect you to pay your own way. Many are looking for
women who will travel with them.

"I would love to do this, but the means aren't there. I
haven't had a gentleman friend for over 2 years. When my
friends ask why I am not out there dating, my stock answer
is 'I can't afford a boyfriend.' I don't know if I will
live to see things change or not, but I still dream that it
will be different someday."

Pat,"We all are facing other priorities in our lives
because of the economy, something we tend to forget when
thinking something good should be happening in our love
life. We forget the other person is probably as stressed as
we are which doesn't make it easy to find the energy to keep
dating, talking and looking!

"My Dad worked until he was 79 and I plan on working
until 75, if not 80, as long as my health holds out and my
company wants me. That is one way to help this economy turn
around and help a little with the financial stress I am
facing! That and swimming a mile every day or walking two
miles on the treadmill seem to help me keep moving forward!"

My comment: I relate to Bobbi's, Joy's, and Pat's
messages as I hope to continue working at my "day job,"
Tutor and Spunky's Deli, in Dana Point, California, for
another five years or so. And, I plan to continue writing as
long as my mind functions and my ballpoint pen has ink. We
read that keeping our minds active and being involved in
something worthwhile can add a few more years to our lives.
We'll see how that goes.

Tom Blake is
an expert on dating after 50. He has appeared twice
on the "Today Show" and has written more than 500
columns on dating and relationships. His "Single
Again" column appears in The Orange County
Register in southern California, is read
worldwide and is often featured on msn.com.
He is a professional speaker. He spoke at the
national AARP convention in San Diego in 2002, and
in Chicago. His book, Middle
Aged and Dating
Again, is a humorous
account of his first year of dating after his third
divorce. His second book is Finding
Love After 50: How to begin, where to go, what
to do. His latest book
is titled How
50 Couples Found Love after
50. To ask a question or
receive Tom's free weekly column on middle-age
dating and relationships by e-mail, click on
www.findingloveafter50.com
or E-Mail.