The round mound of rebound, indeed. Happy 41st Birthday! I love watching you on TNT; your asinine comments and clear disregard for anything not glazed, chocolate-covered, big-titted, or Michael Jordan is wonderful! If only more grown men were as fat and jolly as you, we’d be running around in a world of racist Santa Claus look-alikes. Joy to the world then, eh, round mound?

I hope you get another double-breasted suit for your birthday. They really are flattering. The pretty sharkskin one you wore the other day, baking in the studio lights, made you look like a bulging, rebounding sausage in a shiny, blue intestinal wrap.

You’re my favorite rebounder ever, and living proof why the state of Alabama needs to beef up their sex-education program.

Life is just one crushing disappointment after another until finally, you find yourself lying on a bed of other people’s money, completely naked, drunk as a skunk off of a bottle of 18-year-old Scotch that you swiped from Vonnegut’s liquor cabinet.

Dear Graydon, Hey-ho! All the best of the New Year from the Winnipeg Carters to the New York-via-Ottawa branch of our glorious and widespread clan. Today, as long promised, I am delighted to be able to float a small piece...

Rejoice! Behave! Be Strong and Play Fair! A Call for a New Era of Being Nice to Everybody, and a Schoolyard That Will Support It By Heidi J. Ms. Weisenstock's Third-Grade Class Discussed: Name-Calling, Sticks & Stones, Allergies, Cootie Shots,...