Rodney looks down and sees a grave with “Colin “Trigger” Ball and 1944 – 2014 under it.

DEL

Here you are, Trig. You didn’t think I’d miss you out on a day like today, did ya?

Del places the rose by the headstone.

A Beat.

RODNEY

You miss old Trigger, don’t you, Del.

DEL

I miss ’em all, Rodney. Grandad, Albert, Mike, even Sid, although my old guts don’t miss that grub of his. Last, but not least, I miss our dear old mum. Things just ain’t the same anymore, Bruv.

RODNEY

You’ve still got Denzil and Boycie, though.

DEL

Yeah I thought of that. That’s what made me depressed. I just wish… I just wish Trig had…

RODNEY

A brain cell?

DEL

Oi Oi Oi. Don’t be like that, Rodney.

RODNEY

Sorry.

A Beat. Del slowly smiles.

DEL

I remember once me an’ Trig got a weeks detention for flickin’ chewing gum at our science teacher’s Mr Taylor’s hair. Trig was certain it was a wig. Anyway, we got caught and had to stay late and write lines. “Derek Trotter must not flick chewing gum in the class room”. Pages and pages of it. Well come Friday an’ old grumpy pants Taylor came and collected the paper in. He went to Trig and he had none. In five days Trig hadn’t written a single word. Mr Taylor was fuming.

RODNEY

Good on Trigger. What was it a silent protest?

DEL

No. He couldn’t remember his name.

RODNEY

Bloody hell. I’m not surprised, though. He didn’t know mine, either. At least he went out with a bang, hey Del?

DEL

He certainly did that, Rodders.

RODNEY

Did you pay for all this, Del? He wasn’t loaded was he?

DEL

Me, no. I know who did, though.

RODNEY

Who?

BOYCIE (OOV)

I did, actually.

Rodney and Del turn round to see Boycie walking up to them.

BOYCIE

You might think I’m tighter than a Whelk’s armpit but I do have a heart.

RODNEY

You did? My god.

DEL

If only he knew, hey, Boycie.

BOYCIE

Yeah, well. I felt a bit guilty sending him that electric toothbrush.

RODNEY

Oh that’s the toothbrush that…

BOYCIE

… that he used to clean his bath with, yes. Trouble was he didn’t have the foresight to empty the bath first.

The Vicar appears outside the church and looks over at Del, Rod and Boycie.

VICAR

(coughs)

If you could make your way inside.

DEL

Sorry, yes, now coming your grace.

BOYCIE

No turning back now, Del Boy.

RODNEY

Come on, mate.

INT. CHURCH ENTRANCE – DAY

Denzil and Mickey Pearce are the ushers.

DENZIL

Does Raquel know your an usher?

MICKEY

I dunno, Why?

DENZIL

Oh Nothing. Just she might be sick of the sight of you by now.

MICKEY

Oh. Yeah.

DENZIL

I mean she wasn’t best pleased with her Hen night.

MICKEY

That wasn’t anything to do with me. They gave me the wrong costume.

DENZIL

You wouldn’t catch me doing anything like that.

MICKEY

Oh look, here comes the bride.

DENZIL

Right, inside.

INT. CHURCH – DAY

Mickey and Denzil enter the church and close the door. Denzil gives Del a knowing nod. Del smiles, slightly frightened.

Del and Rod are facing the Vicar.

RODNEY

At least she’s turned up.

DEL

Yes, thank you, Rodney. ‘Ere did you bring your hip flask?

RODNEY

Yeah.

DEL

‘Gis a bit, quick.

Del grabs the hip flask with his good hand and drains a bit quickly.

The WEDDING MARCH starts.

Del and Rodney stand to attention. The guests stand.

The Door opens and in walks Raquel hand in hand with her FATHER. Big smile on her face.

Del facing the Vicar as Raquel comes into his view. He is stunned by her beauty. Gives her the wink.

VICAR

Would all the guests please be seated.

Everyone sits except the happy couple, Rodney, the best man and Cassandra, the matron of honour.

VICAR (CONT’D)

Dearly Beloved, we are gathered together here in the sign of God – and in the face of this company – to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony.

Someone shouts “About time” from the back of the church.

VICAR (CONT’D)

Which… which is commended to be honorable among all men; and therefore – is not by any – to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly – but reverently, discreetly, advisedly and solemnly.

Denzil whispers to Mickey.

DENZIL

Sounds like Del down the market.

VICAR (CONT’D)

Into this holy estate these two persons present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together – let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

We HEAR the church door creak. Everyone except Raquel turns around. In walks…

…SLATER.

Del and Rodney look at each other and mouth “SLATER” to each other in panic.

Slater can see everyone looking at him and then quietly sits on an empty pew at the back. Everyone returns to normal. Del keeps nervously looking over his shoulder.

VICAR (CONT’D)

Through marriage, Derek and Raquel make a commitment together to face their disappointments – embrace their dreams – realize their hopes – and accept each other’s failures.

The vicar continues throughout this exchange.

BOYCIE

(to Marlene)

That’s a big ask on Raquel’s part. Del boy’s life has been one big failure.

MARLENE

He’s happy. They’re both happy. Look at them. You’re just jealous, you old git.

BOYCIE

No I am not. I wouldn’t do that again for a million pounds.

MARLENE

You’ve got a point, Boycie. Neither would I!

Back on the vicar.

VICAR

Do you have the ring?

Del looks round at Rodney, who, with some trepidation pulls out a monstrosity of a ring. Del is all smiles as it is placed in the vicar’s hands. The Vicar raises his eyebrows as he sees it. Del is still all smiles thinking that they are all impressed with his choice.

The vicar gives out both rings to Del and Raquel and they place them on each other’s fingers.

RAQUEL

Oh God… Um Sorry.

VICAR

Now repeat after me: I call upon these persons here present.

DEL

I call upon these persons here present.

VICAR

To witness that I, Derek Edward Trotter.

VICAR

Take this woman, Rachel Turner.

MICKEY

(to Denzil)

Who’s Rachel?

Denzil shakes his head and puts his finger to his lips.

DEL

Take this woman, Rachel Turner.

VICAR

To be my lawful wedded wife.

DEL

To be my lawful wedded wife.

BOYCIE

First time Del’s been above the law.

MARLENE

Shhhhh!

VICAR

Now repeat after me: I call upon these persons here present.

RAQUEL

I call upon these persons here present.

VICAR

To witness that I, Rachel Turner.

VICAR

Take this man, Derek Edward Trotter.

RAQUEL

Take this man, Derek Edward Trotter.

VICAR

To be my lawful wedded husband.

RAQUEL

To be my lawful wedded husband.

VICAR

You have both made the declarations required by law and you have made a solemn and binding contract with each other in the presence of your witnesses, you are now husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.

Rodney, Cassandra, Damien and Donna (with baby) are all smiles and start clapping. Boycie and Marlene stand and clap. Denzil and Mickey also stand and clap. The rest of the congregation stands and joins in the clapping as:

DEL

Right, let me get under this.

Del raises the veil.

RAQUEL

At long last!

Del is tearful.

RAQUEL (CONT’D)

I love you.

DEL

I love you too, Trotter.

Del then plants a smacker on Raquel as everyone goes nuts, that is, except for Slater, who just looks a bit embarrassed.

EXT. CHURCH – DAY

The whole congregation is outside getting ready for photographs. Raquel and Del are the centre of attention and then, Raquel spots Slater. Her face drops.

RAQUEL

What the HELL is HE doing here?

DEL

I dunno. It’s nothing to do with me. Rodders?

RODNEY

Nothing to do with me, either? Do you want me to get rid of him?

DEL

No. I want you to invite him on our honeymoon. Thank you, Rodney. Course I want you to get rid of him. I’ve just got to get something from the van.

RODNEY

OK. I will… Denzil, Mickey… Can I borrow you?

Denzil and Mickey follow Rodney not really knowing what it’s about.

RODNEY

(to slater)

What you doin’ here?

SLATER

Pleased to see you again, too, Rodney.

RODNEY

You weren’t ever supposed to come back round here.

SLATER

Don’t worry, Rodney. It’s just a coincidence. I’d heard about Trigger and I just came to pay my respects. I’d been to the cemetery and what do I see in the car park? A Crappy Yellow Three wheel van. I just had to take a look.

RODNEY

(lowers his guard)

Oh. I see. So what you doing now.

SLATER

Well, not a lot. Del’s scrubbed up well.

RODNEY

Yeah. He’s looks good, don’t he?

SLATER

I hope he’s not whisking Rachel off in that Van. Where’s the honeymoon? Bognor?

RODNEY

No… Margate.

SLATER

Margate. How lovely.

MICKEY

It’s a nostalgia trip. It’s where they met.

SLATER

They met in Margate? How romantic. Bride looks nice I must say.

RODNEY

(changing subject)

So what are you doing with yourself now, Roy?

SLATER

Actually I live in Margate. I run a Punch and Judy stall amongst other things.

DENZIL

Oh so you still pretend to be a policeman, then?

SLATER

It’s a way to make ends meet, Denzil. Right, Rodney. Say hello to Del for me. I must be off in a minute.

RODNEY

Yeah Goodbye Roy. I’ll warn… I mean I’ll pass it on.

SLATER

Good boy, Rodney. Denzil. Mickey.

DENZIL

Take care, Roy.

Rodney moves back to Del and Raquel.

DEL

Well? What did he want?

RODNEY

Roy? Oh he was visiting Trigger and saw your van in the car park. Bit of a giveaway. He just popped his head in, that’s all.

DEL

Oh did he? Hang on a minute.

RODNEY

Hang on, Del.

DEL

It’s okay, Rodders. Just gonna have a quiet word.

Del hairs off after Slater. Rodney and Raquel are anxious at what Del is up to.

From a distance we see Del go up to Slater. We cannot hear the exchange. A few words are exchanged, then Del gives Slater a hug and shakes his hand. Del then turns and walks back to Rodney and Raquel. Boycie, Marlene, Tyler and Damien are close by.

RAQUEL

What was that about?

DEL

Oh that. Nothing. Just saying goodbye. I left him with a little present. They all remember him round here.

We CUT back to Slater as he gives Del a knowing nod, then turns and walks away, little knowing Del has planted a sign saying “OLD BILL” on his back.

However, he isn’t actually dead in OFAH world officially. Nor is Mike. I understand that if this script was submitted to the Beeb, you’d have to be realistic with what you have left, but it could included Trigger, Mike and Sid still!

Quite a good script. I felt the last couple of scenes relating to the church were the best.

I couldn’t remember one Del Boy French phrase?!

Great effort on the story telling. Shame there was no use of Jevon or Alan Parry. The OFAH family is ever decreasing sadly, so it would have been nice to include those two in.

I wish Del had sorted out the hoody chavs on the London Eye – I know he’s an old man now, but I still feel Del wouldn’t have been afraid to give them a clip round the ear.

Damien still seemed too sensible. I don’t think he should be so level headed and calm. I think you could have written him to be a bit more cheeky – not the way he was in the last trilogy of course, as his character was a disaster as most of us would agree.