Who is Jack Schitt???
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe SChitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner in Kneedeep & Schitt,Inc.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children, Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt.
After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock abd out of devotion to her children decided to hyphenate her last name, and became ...Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva SChitt, inseparable throughout childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.
So... Now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!", you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list!

TORONTO (Reuters) - The Canadian province of Ontario plans to review a court decision that acquitted a man of sexual assault charges because he suffers from "sexsomnia" and was asleep at the time of the incident.

The Office of the Attorney General, which oversees the province's prosecutions, said on Thursday it needs to research its options for an appeal because of the strange circumstances of the case.

"This matter will be carefully considered to determine our next steps," said Brendan Crawley, a spokesman for the Attorney General.

Jan Luedecke, 33, was acquitted of sexual assault charges on Tuesday because he said he was asleep during the attack.

A sleep expert testified that Luedecke suffers from a disorder that causes sexsomnia -- involuntary sexual behavior during sleep -- which he had experienced before.

The court heard that Luedecke and the female victim met at a party. She testified she fell asleep and woke up to find Luedecke having sexx with her. She pushed him away and called the police.

Luedecke confessed to police after he discovered was still wearing a condom and realized he had had sexx.

Canadian media reported that the victim left the courtroom in tears when the verdict was read, and said she would take the case to the highest court possible.

The Crown has 30 days to present its appeal.

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I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no
longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and
South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on
Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my
contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves
Local 209. As part of the new and better contract, I also get
longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands
with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my
goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however,
there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from
Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper
sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that
children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the
fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little
snuff, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon
dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a
couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks
Bubba's fireplace.

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh
does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the
words "Back Off."

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your
negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves
Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt
Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing
into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure
you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends
over to put presents under the tree.

Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women !
You can ride a motorcycle for as long as you like and it wont complain.
Motorcycles never develop spare tires.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
You can ride a motorcycle all through the month.
Motorcycles don't have parents.
Your motorcycle will let you know if something is wrong.
You don't have to kick your motorcycle to get it going.
Your motorcycle won't judge your friends.
If your motorcycle smokes you can do something about it.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
One motorcycle will satisfy you every time.
Your motorcycle won't ogle other motorcycles.
Your motorcycle won't care if you have a poster of your fantasy motorcycle.
If your motorcycle has high mileage, you can just get a new one.
You can have more than one motorcycle, and ride them all one after the other.
Motorcycles wont ask you awkward questions about their breast size.
If your motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
You don't have to drink beer before your motorcycle looks appealing.
You can be proud of your motorcycle regardless of the model.
Your motorcycle won't doesnt feel upset when you scream and shout at it.
You can ride a motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get limp.
Your parents won't keep in touch with your old motorcycle after you dump it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride when you do.
Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a novice.
Your motorcycle never moans if you go out with other motorcycles.
Motorcycles are never late.
Your motorcycle won't complain when you use protection.
If your motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can't get a disease from a motorcycle.
Your motorcycle never fakes it.
Motorcycles are always ready to stop when you are.
Your motorcycle has a built in vibrator. (?)
Your motorcycle doesn't have to show off in front of other motorcycles.
Your motorcycle won't lie to you.
Your motorcycle doesn't care how heavy you are.
In the morning, your motorcycle won't wake you up if it wants to go for a ride.
Your motorcycle won't moan when it's cold.
You don't have to buy flowers and chocolates for your motorcycle.
Your motorcycle can't ride around behind your back.
If your motorcycle is cold you can choke it.
Your motorcycle is always the right size because if it seems too big you can just get a new one.
You can keep photos of your old motorcycles.
Your motorcycle can go for multiple rides.
Motorcycles don't need pick-up lines.
You only have to ride your motorcycle when you want to.
Motorcycles don't snore.
Motorcycles dont care how big and fat their back end is

Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Men !!!!!!!!!
A motorcycle can go for more than one ride in an hour.
Motorcycles never develop spare tires.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don't get you pregnant.
A motorcycle doesn't care what time of month it is.
Motorcycles don't have parents.
Your motorcycle will let you know if something is wrong.
You don't have to kick your motorcycle to get it going.
Your motorcycle won't judge your friends.
If your motorcycle smokes you can do something about it.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
One motorcycle will satisfy you every time.
Your motorcycle won't ogle other motorcycles.
Your motorcycle won't care if you have a poster of your fantasy motorcycle.
If your motorcycle has high mileage, you can just get a new one.
Motorcycles don't care about breast size.
If your motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
You don't have to drink beer before your motorcycle looks appealing.
You can be proud of your motorcycle regardless of the model.
Your motorcycle won't beat you or try to make you feel inferior.
You can ride a motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get limp.
Your parents won't keep in touch with your old motorcycle after you dump it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride when you do.
Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a novice.
Your motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other motorcycles.
Motorcycles don't make you late.
Your motorcycle won't complain when you use protection.
If your motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can't get a disease from a motorcycle.
Your motorcycle won't care if you fake it.
Motorcycles are always ready to stop when you are.
Your motorcycle has a built in vibrator.
Your motorcycle doesn't have to show off in front of other motorcycles.
Your motorcycle won't lie to you.
Your motorcycle doesn't care how heavy you are.
In the morning, your motorcycle won't poke you in the back when it wants to go for a ride.
Your motorcycle won't shrink when it's cold.
You don't have to cook for your motorcycle.
Your motorcycle can't ride around behind your back.
If your motorcycle is cold you can choke it.
Your motorcycle is always the right size because if it seems too small you can just get a new one.
You can keep photos of your old motorcycles.
Your motorcycle can go for multiple rides.
Motorcycles don't need pick-up lines.
You only have to ride your motorcycle when you want to.
Motorcycles don't snore.

Alice and Frank were bungee-jumping one day. Alice said to Frank, "You
know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service
in Mexico." Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money
and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance,
etc.
They travel to Progresso, Mexico and begin to set up on the square at the
end of the bridge. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had
finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to
give a demonstration.
So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes
back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces
and comes back up again.
This time, she's bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice
falls again and bounces back up.
This time she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken
bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this
time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine...it was
the crowd. What the hell is a pi?ata?!"

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little for himself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
54. give the authority but never expect her to be responsible
55. give her the last word no matter what the cost to your life and limb
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget: birthdays, anniversaries and arrangements she makes.

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

His wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, who has a bun in the oven, survives doughboy. His elderly father, Pop Tart, also survives him.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart "cookie", wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and a_s_s kissing that will put you over the top!

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and
went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such
a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you
can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven." Arthur thought about it for
a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur
to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and
commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle?"

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God
went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the
results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours!"

A young man starts work at the local adult toy store. The owner says he has to go and tells the young man, if you can't find a price on something make one up.

A white chick comes in and asks "how much for the white dild0?" he says "10 bucks" and she takes it.

A black chick comes in and asks " how much for the black dild0?" he says "20 bucks" and she takes it.

A biker chick comes in and asks "how much for the plaid dild0?" he says "30 bucks" and she takes it.

The boss comes back and asks what happened while he was out and the young man replies, "I sold a white dild0 to a white chick for $10, a black dild0 to a black chick for $20 and a biker chick bought my thermos for $30.

SLB

Plaid Dild0

A young man starts work at the local adult toy store. The owner says he has to go and tells the young man, if you can't find a price on something make one up.

A white chick comes in and asks "how much for the white dild0?" he says "10 bucks" and she takes it.

A black chick comes in and asks " how much for the black dild0?" he says "20 bucks" and she takes it.

A biker chick comes in and asks "how much for the plaid dild0?" he says "30 bucks" and she takes it.

The boss comes back and asks what happened while he was out and the young man replies, "I sold a white dild0 to a white chick for $10, a black dild0 to a black chick for $20 and a biker chick bought my thermos for $30.

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his dikk and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.

SLB

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his dikk and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.