Wednesday, July 30, 2008

"Our" Turn

Obama supporters and blissed-out Barry-heads everywhere: Are you ready for some righteous war? Are you prepared to step up and get fucking medieval in Afghanistan, and perhaps in Pakistan as well? You'd better be, for the man whose feet you're currently kissing has big plans to expand the War On Terror, and now is not the time for faint-hearted second-thoughts. Polish those boots, clean your weapons, and get in formation. The moment of truth is arriving soon.

Ah, who am I kidding? Of course American liberals will fall in line. They've been itching to show that they, too, can bellow for large body counts, cheer cluster bombs and patriot-bait those who dare question Dear Leader. Problem is, Bush and Cheney have been running the killing machine, and this has put a damper on the traditional liberal love of imperial war. But that era is ending, and unless Obama finds some way to blow this election (or if enough frightened whites in key states decide that having a president of color is a little too much for their racist psyches to absorb), we're going to see a renewed period of sustained bloodshed, with lots of dead and mangled Afghans in the foreground. As my friend Chris Floyd put it:

"For years now, 'serious' liberals have repeated the mantra that Bush 'took his eye off the ball' in the War on Terror by fighting in Iraq instead of focusing on Afghanistan, the 'good war,' the 'right war.' Now Obama looks set to call their bluff: 'You wanted a big war in Afghanistan? Here it is. Now what?'

"Now what indeed. No doubt we will soon be treated to the spectacle of many staunchly 'anti-war' leopards changing their spots. We will hear them supporting the same kind of 'counter-insurgency tactics' in Afghanistan that they now decry in Iraq. We will hear the same justifications for 'collateral damage' in Afghanistan that we now hear from rightwingers defending atrocities in Iraq. We will hear them advancing the same arguments for a continuing (and growing) American military presence in a volatile Muslim land that we have heard for years from Iraq hawks. And we will hear the same excuses for not joining the combat in a war they support that we have heard from the vast Chickenhawk Army of rightwing warmongers concerning Iraq."

And don't forget torture, Chris. Only under Obama, black hoods, beatings, and waterboarding will be legalized, or at least granted an exemption until a bi-partisan presidential panel can decide the "proper" lengths to which US forces can extract information. Liberals don't mind stomping or driving prisoners insane, just so long as it falls within the law. That's what separates them from rightwing savages.

Speaking of reactionaries, what will be their take when Obama goes LBJ on Afghanistan? Will they suddenly question the mission, as so many did when Clinton bombed Serbia? Or will they learn to appreciate a Democrat who slaughters the "right kind" of Muslims? Should make for some interesting scenes.

This is why I hope Obama gets elected. Let's throw some gasping, choking, blasted Afghan civilians at American liberals' feet and gauge their reactions. Based on historical evidence, the results shouldn't be too surprising. Plus, it will guarantee a sequel to "Savage Mules." Win/win all around, save for the Afghan people, who are in for some brutal times ahead. But then, they're used to that, and they're probably not even registered Democrats. So who cares what they think?

Numerous libloggers are blaming rightwing radio for Jim Adkisson's shooting spree in Knoxville. To hear libs tell it, Adkisson was programmed by the Hannitys and Limbaughs to kill liberals and queers, and he performed according to their sinister script. Of course, if such causal links truly existed, there would be at least a dozen anti-liberal shootings per day, given the large audience for rightwing radio. Mercifully, that is not the case. Still, it's nice to see liberals crawling over dead and wounded Unitarians in order to make quick, partisan points. It's an election year, after all.

Liberals shouldn't be too rough on their reactionary cousins, however. Recall their glee when the Branch Davidians were shot up, gassed, burned alive, and plowed under. Or their general lack of concern when Jimmy Carter pumped weapons into El Salvador, resulting in murdered Salvadoran Christians, most notably Archbishop Oscar Romero, who pleaded with Carter to end the arms shipments, which naturally he didn't. As with many things in life, casual attitudes about killing opposites work both ways, and usually for the same reasons.

About Me

I'm the author of "MR. MIKE: The Life and Work of Michael O'Donoghue, The Man Who Made Comedy Dangerous," "AMERICAN FAN: Sports Mania and the Culture That Feeds It," and "SAVAGE MULES: The Democrats and Endless War."
I wrote jokes for Bill Maher and countless other comics, some of whom ran for public office. I've done the media/public speaking thing, pounding podiums when not singing and dancing for tossed coins. Once upon a time I wrote Red State Son, the archive of which can be found in the blogroll below.