We've been married for almost 10 years. When we started, I was a swinger and she was not. My sex drive was (and is) much higher than hers (me 2x /day - hers 2x/week) and she said to go ahead – do whatever you wanted just no single women or married women. She gave me complete freedom and trust. Now 10 years later, over time, she got into swinging and while we've had some great experiences together (yes!) she has now discovered that the most enjoyable experience for her is a separate experience with other married men.
Over time the rules have evolved – I can see whomever I want and she wants the same. Single people and married people are not off the list. (I don’t prefer married women unless their husbands approve but she doesn’t give herself that limitation – being with a married man and sending home with a smile is her favorite).
So – she now wants more of the separate experience by having men - on her own - without my express consent or knowledge as I have been permitted all along – I have not told her everything because she’s simply not so interested (I try – I tell her a lot believe me – we laugh about it – but sometimes she even gets bored or disgusted at some details). She’s said clearly that she doesn’t want all the information all the time.
I really want to do the same for her - it's only fair and I love her dearly -but I find myself jealous even though I know it to be completely unfair.
She has been completely honest but she now wants to have relationships with several married men, lots of texting, dinners, lingerie, emails, fun conversations... some in secret (to protect my feelings), I will never meet them and they will only know of me as the somewhat unsatisfactory husband (she wants to essentially 'cheat' with married men as a kink where they won't know that I know). She doesn't want single men (too flaky, needy & generally lacking) and found the available hall pass men on LL lacking (they won’t even pay for a hotel room) so she's gone to another site promoting sex for married people.
She has bottom lined it for me - basically take it or leave it (don’t ask too much, pry or control – ‘be nice’) as she has done this for me for 10 years now. "I only want a small part of what you've been permitted so - please - don't pry or control - back off or it may be the end of us". Being honest - I do tend to control, pry etc. and I can really be a obsessive pain in the ass here but I have a problem as I want her more than she wants me and now she's seeing other men without my planning and participation in the process. When she allows me to participate – even with a little jealousy - it heightens things, I see that it heightens her Libido and sex is better interestingly enough so - go figure... I would give up the lifestyle if I had too - to keep her but she doesn't want to stop and nor should we necessarily stop at this point
Is she is being completely unfair? Unilaterally changing the rules, dating guys I don’t know and who don’t know me. Giving them the emotional part of the relationship I so desire, giving them her time when I so want more of hers, starting to keep many secrets (she has always believed everybody has secrets – it’s a human right - nobody really tells all so accept it). I guess I don’t like the secrets, sneaking around, secret texts, emails (I don’t have a logon to her email – she has mine) and I am really intimidated by the whole thing.
My Solution: If I can just stop being jealous and controlling - curtail my feelings, get tough (inside) – be kind, supportive, financially and emotionally sound, loving, considerate, and really permit her the space to do something in a way I wouldn’t necessarily agree with – things will be really great!!! (*)
ok – but how do I do this – I am so damn in love with her and yes – a bit jealous.
(*) (Until she’s busted out by one of the married women but that’s on her – I will be her alibi)!
But - if I can't - I will lose her because she hates control, prying, asking about her date schedule etc. - she wants me to accept and then she will disclose more - what do I do?

A) She did NOT desire what you wanted to give her- a lot of sex. So, she permitted you to use other outlets, with caveats.

B) You WANT to be the one to give her certain intimate things, yet she is finding them elsewhere and not giving you what you desire. She refuses caveats unfairly.

These are two VERY different situations.

She is giving someone else something that you WANT and NEED from her.
You simply were branching out because of something she DIDN'T want from you.

Her needs were completely fulfilled when you branched out.
Yours remain unfulfilled, and what should be yours is being given to others.

Bottom line- HER actions are giving you a complex because you aren't getting the things you need at home, and someone else is. Again, it's very different from your situation when you were playing with others.
Your actions alleviated a problem.
Hers are exacerbating a problem.

You see, I was married to a man who was addicted to porn. He didn't desire me and I wasn't getting the affection I so desperately needed. Yet when we went out to clubs, he was very affectionate to other women and was gung-ho about bedding them. Me, jealous? No- I wasn't jealous. You see, jealousy is an umbrella word that is used mistakenly for other powerful emotions: feeling of abandonment, loneliness, emptiness, resentment, etc. I was feeling all of these things and VERY hurt when I saw the energies being expended on another when it was me, his wife, who wanted that the most.

I'm thinking that your use of jealousy is not so much pure jealousy. It's more akin to the four terms aformentioned. This may manifest similarly to jealousy, or perhaps jealousy is a small casual factor stemming from those other core emotions.
Nevertheless, you are justified in your feelings.
You two need to talk. She needs to see the difference in the causes of both of your extra-curriculars, and how they are not the same at all. She needs to see that she was not lacking anything from you when you were playing. YOU are lacking in the things that she is giving to others.

This is a big deal, and if it continues, you are going to be so resentful and hurt that your relationship will suffer.
Let's put it this way- I spend many years dealing with these exact feelings, and tried like hell to communicate. But after so many times of trying and being disappointed, my heart shut down and I decided it was time to leave. Not being wanted for long enough can leave a crushing blow on self-image.

That is why I am a single female.
Don't get to the point I reached- It's a very dark place and the damage repair is a huge feat. Play interference now before it's too late and see what a bit of communication does now that you have my spin on the situation.