Why We Argue

WIthin the animal kingdom, if you’re a lion, and another lion encroaches on your territory, you roar and growl to let the other guy know this is your space. Testing the water, he roars and growls right back at you. Often, after a series of traded threats, the outsider will stand down, and the argument dissipates. Occasionally, the other lion does not back off and a bloody fight ensues until one is mortally injured or submits. Sound familiar? How often do we argue with our significant others, our siblings, our parents, our friends with the overwhelming need to be right, to be the victor? And what’s wrong with that? Well, wrong is a matter of perspective, but I will say that we are not lions…most of us, anyway.

In our animalistic past, we did in fact have to fight with others to protect ourselves, our family, our territory. In that sense, arguing or fighting is a survival instinct, a threat response. The problem is that during an argument, unless we are very conscious of our feelings, thought processes, prejudices, etc., then our brain automatically defers to that instinct. This means that every time we get into it with someone, the instinctual response is to be right, to dominate. While this may work for animals, it doesn’t yield such effective results for us.

Arguing constructively

“If you’re arguing with someone for more than five minutes, chances are it’s not about them or their actions. It’s about you.”

My grandfather

When I first heard that, I thought I understood, but it has taken me many years to decipher that statement. I’m still finding deeper truth in those words every time I engage in an argument. I’m realizing that staying present in those tough situations is paramount. By ‘present,’ I mean taking a moment to breathe, check-in with oneself, and to honestly examine what is there. We cannot argue effectively if we are unaware of what is going on inside. Furthermore, once we confront those thoughts and emotions, we must learn to accept. For instance, if you’re furious, allow yourself to feel furious. Notice, I did not say act furious. But how can I feel something and not let it affect my actions? Isn’t that just repression? Let’s see.

Christina (my significant other) left the country for two weeks with some friends. I wasn’t able to accompany her due to work and a few other obligations. We’ve been together for eight years, and it had been a while since we had spent any extended time apart. So we agreed that we would set aside some time each day to check-in. One morning, we had begun one such conversation when suddenly the rest of the group arrived at her room and wanted to have breakfast. She told me that she had to go and I asked if we were going to speak later. She was getting flustered and couldn’t give me a straight answer because she was unsure of the plans for the day. I said, “fine” and we hung up.

I was furious. I felt completely dejected and blown off. In my fury, I sent her a very nasty message telling her how ridiculous I thought it was that she couldn’t make a few minutes for me, and blaming her for being inconsiderate and cruel. In turn, she called me back, full of anger, and told me how inconsiderate I was acting. And so we argued and blamed each other for everything and anything. We became two ferocious lions trying to subdue each other.

I had to sit with my fury that day, which was a good thing. It allowed me to examine what was really happening. It had been a long time since I had experienced that sort of anger. Why now? I sat in a meditative state. I focused on my breath first to calm myself, and then on the anger. I allowed the thoughts and feelings to flow. I realized two things. First, when Christina blew me off, I wanted revenge. I wanted her to experience the pain I felt. This realization led to the next: I was feeling lonely and insecure being so far from her for the first time in years. I felt how much I really missed her.

The next day, we finally spoke and I told her what I had discovered. There was resistance at first. She was still angry. In turn, I felt my own lingering anger start to rise up. Instead of reacting, I thought about what I had learned. I sat and listened to her talk. She confided that she was feeling stressed out because the trip was non-stop activity, and she was catching a cold. She told me that the way I had acted the day before had really hurt her and made her feel guilty. I apologized for my incendiary behavior, but I also calmly told her that when she more or less hung up on me, I had felt devalued and unimportant. She then apologized, and admitted she could have handled the situation better. We both admitted to still feeling a little angry, and that was OK. No one won. No one lost.

Enslaved to the Unconsciousness

Get the picture? Now imagine what that situation could have been if we had started in the place we ended. Maybe I would have started the conversation that day with the feelings I had been experiencing. In turn, she may have also told me about her troubles. The point is that even before the fight began, we had not been conscious of our mental/emotional processes. If we had, it may not have happened. Or it may have happened regardless, but we would have approached it differently. We would have been able to have a constructive argument from the get-go, which probably would have dissipated much sooner.

We get tangled up in our anger and it blinds us to the truth. The minute that occurs, we start growling, roaring, and blaming. Only when Christina and I spoke peacefully, candidly, and honestly did the healing begin. It then became not about who was right, but about how we were feeling. Why is this so effective? Because you cannot argue with emotion. Your feelings are your feelings and no one can tell you otherwise. The difficult part is learning how to speak openly about those emotions. It can be a frightening and vulnerable position, but those are just more insecurities we must acknowledge and accept.

The bottom line is that when we argue with someone else, it is about what’s going on inside of us. When we realize that, then argument can be an enormously constructive part of life and love. As such, learning how to argue constructively is a must if you want to be in any long-term relationship—romantic, familial, or platonic.

Great one! I think it is absolutely crucial to look at the biological background of our behavior. There are a lot of posts on HE about different improvement philosophies, but I think where it gets really interesting is when evolutive behavior collides with our cognitive abilities or our self-awareness.

The experience I made when trying to focus the argument on the emotions and their origins was that some people are so used to the way we usually fight that they fire back no matter what, and this can become a painful Gandhi-like experience where you take bullets in a completely unarmed and vulnerable state. When I try to say things like “I feel cornered right now because I’m scared you won’t accept me with this decision and that makes me angry”, it often happens that they dont arrive as the explanation they were supposed to be, but as an reproach. Any thoughts?

Here’s what I’ll say:
If someone “fires back” as you say do not be afraid to call them out on their tactics. If you know without a doubt that the other person is trying to goad you into malicious argument by saying hurtful things, you are allowed to say, “I see what you’re doing, and maybe we need to have this conversation later when you’re less enraged.” This will result in one of two responses. Either the person will become even more enraged or they will stop, meet you in the middle, and try to talk.

If they fly off the handle, you are well within your rights to walk away calmly. If they decide to attempt rational conversation, then true constructive argument can begin. You will then see that, often, what you thought you were arguing about is not the subject matter at all. In almost any argument, the true subject matter is each person’s perspective on what has occurred—how it makes them feel, what thoughts it provokes. Constructive argument is about accepting one’s own emotional/mental state and then accepting the other’s. Additionally, we must be willing to create a conducive space by welcoming an open dialogue wherein each person is allowed to say anything they want, except if it is malicious or destructive toward themselves or the other person. In this way, we become two people having a conversation (remember that’s what an argument should be). No one needs to win. The only real criteria for an effective argument are staying present, speaking one’s mind, and allowing the other to speak theirs. If you come to a resolution, great! If not, drop it. The issue may surface again, and that is OK.

Oh, one thing I wanted to add: Another thing I experienced is that when you find yourself stuck in an argument where it’s not about the actual problem anymore, you can SOMETIMES deconstruct the situation by doing something so weird and disturbing that it catapults you out of your pattern of thought. One time I started to undress in the middle of a fight and my friend asked my why I was undressing and I just yelled I DONT KNOW IM UPSET AND DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! and it made us laugh and after we were able to actually talk about the problem again. This is to be handled with care though, people could think you dont take them seriously, so be careful especially with your significant other ;)

I think arguing at all is useless.
Arguing comes from ignorance on one side of the party, and as soon as a disagreement comes up, one of the members must be wrong, or have a vantage point that is unfair.

I don’t like arguing at all because its not constructive. A discussion is constructive, and its wonderful to have discussions, but when arguing it is always this paradigm being enforced of “I’m right, you’re wrong.”
And although its great to be right, and its good to help others, it is detrimental to any engagement if the focus of the discussion is on how someone is wrong!

When an argument is ‘won’ it is never really won, for whoever is wrong doesn’t feel GOOD they don’t feel like they learned anything, they feel stupid, inferior, or angry. Where as a constructive discussion the two party members should leave having learned something from one another, and feeling more calm and relaxed about the whole situation.

Well said. Yes. Even when we ‘win’ an argument, we haven’t truly won. In truth, we’ve lost something. We’ve lost an opportunity to truly connect with another person on a deeper level and as you say, to learn something. Thanks for the response!

I agree ijesus. Utterly useless. i almost always take the high road immediately recognizing when someone is trying to bait me into an “argument” i will shoot them down. But to Reply to Terrance i feel like when in a situation that involves emotions its not an official argument. Just 2 people that were angry that day crossed paths. An argument is more or less a disagreement for example who is the best Quarterback in the NFL? i say Peyton Manning you say Tom Brady. Who is right? Numbers dont lie, So why waste my time and explain. I wouldn’t waste my time engaging that argument get furiously angry when the answer is obvious. So my question is, when the facts are facts, but the other person is adamantly/Stubbornly and Ignoantly sticking to their decision what do you do?

You do nothing. No action is required at that point. If a person is being that adamant and stubborn, there is resistance within them to which they are not paying attention. You cannot change anyone else. You can perhaps respectfully ask them why they are getting so worked up, but that is all. If they’re open, they may soften. If not, then agree to disagree. The point is that even if you know you are right, even if you are right..when an argument escalates to that point, it is no longer about the subject matter. It is about the individual.

Thanks for this article mate. I think that we can all relate to at least one of these, where we admitted that we could of handled things differently. It’s amazing what a sincere apology can do for the other party as well as ourself.