Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I was hoping I wouldn't have to write about Tiger Woods because everyone in the world has already done that and I don't judge anyone. Ever. I have no opinions about anything other than myself. I care what God thinks about me and thus I don't judge.

But, Tiger, WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU THINKING?!

You cheated on your wife with a chick named Jaimee Grubbs?

First off, that woman is not attractive. She is a waitress who was on "Tool Academy". Have you ever seen that show? Do you know what that means? It means she got multiple tools in her as well as hung out with a bunch of f*cking losers who will somehow end up on Real World/Road Rules sometime soon.

ARE YOU F*CKING MAD DUDE!?!?!?! Tiger Woods, arguably the most recognized sports figure on the face of this earth currently, cheated on his wife with a cocktail waitress. For 31 months according to her fat face...

I have so many thoughts on this but I can't wrap my sand wedge around any of them.

First, Jaimee Grubbs is a big whore for sleeping with a married man. It's not her fault Tiger wanted to cheat but she should have used her moral values that apparently God forgot to give her and said "No Tiger, you dirty freak. You are married." I mean, if Gwen Stefani came to me and said, "I want to cheat on Gavin Rossdale with you", I would say no. Seriously. Probably. Maybe.

Second, Tiger, your face is more popular and recognized than Pope Crazy German. You are the most successful and dominating athlete of our time, you are well-spoken, you make a trillion dollars a year, and you happen to be TIGER F*CKING WOODS. Did you REALLY think that you cheating on your super-hot wife would NOT get discovered? Even if you were cheating on her with Mother Theresa, it would someday come out. The media preys on stupid shit like this and eat you alive if they discover you have Jude Law-like tendencies. Well, congrats you idiot shit. Mission Accomplished.

Third, you LEFT VOICEMAILS!?!? Really? What made you think this slut from "Tool Academy" wasn't going to save them and then come forward one day when she wanted to advance her celebrity to Joe Rogan status? Plus, on your voicemails you sound like a boy going through puberty. Maybe it was because you were all nervous your crazy-hot wife was going to call one of your random girlfriends and threaten to kill her. Good thing you said to Jaimee "You gotta do this for me. Huge, like now." And good thing you identified yourself on the voicemail you moron. Good criminal you would not make.

Fourth, all the women you may have slept with are now going to come out of the woodwork and eat you alive. I'm putting the over/under at 14. 14 chicks you managed to have sexual relationships with over the last few years. I bet NONE of them were as attractive as YOUR WIFE. You shithead. This is going to get worse before it gets better.

This whole thing began as comical craziness and is now developing into pure grossness. You've cheated on your wife, drove your car into a tree, really f*cked up your reputation, and probably pissed off your father, Earl, in the sky. Earl wouldn't have even allowed you to talk to girls if he were still around. You would be practicing golf 21 hours a day and you wouldn't have had time to go screw this one up. But you did. And if Earl were still around, he'd have you chained to a fence practicing golf in sub-zero temperatures as punishimnet for this one.

What started as a tabloid story & car crash, which by the way was hilarious considering the rescue smashing of your back window with a golf club made no sense, has turned into a feeding frenzy and you put yourself at the center of it Tiger. For someone we all thought was so smart and clean and talented, your brain really malfunctioned on this. Your wife had every right to try and smash your face in with your golf club. She must be pretty crazy when she's mad if it caused you to drive like a drunken sailor into a tree and destroy half of your car. Way to go champ.

Your dirty text messages are being exposed and you deserve it for being this stupid. Good thing you made Elin sign a pre-nup since she should leave your ass and take half. Plus, you've made Shaq look stupid for defending you when in fact he should have sumo sat on your face and taken a dump.

I still like you Tiger which is hard to fathom but no one can ever look at you the same. You've screwed up a good thing and I think the only way to make it fair is to let Elin get back at you and cheat with me.

Good luck with the rest of this one Eldrick Woods.

PS - Eldrick is a very stupid-ass name too. Good thing you became someone and then tried to screw it all up.

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