Downton Abbey Series 5 Episode 1

22 Sep 2014

Monday 22 September 2014

If you're looking for a bit of on-screen shagging, you should have tuned in to the new series of Downton Abbey, says Clare Bennett. Everyone seemed up for it...

Watching the first episode of Downton series five, I have a feeling that a meeting might have taken place at ITV involving the sentence, 'Yes, Julian, we like the storyline where Lady Rose gives out prizes at the village school, but - how to put this - can we have more shagging?' For shagging-related stories are here in abundance and everyone is WELL up for it.

How Laborious

Lord Grantham, or 'Donk' as he shall henceforth be referred to (good old Sybbie and George), can feel the common waters rising and he doesn't like it. The village war-memorial committee doesn't want him as their chairman, they want Carson. Humiliating. The days when his father 'told the village what they wanted' appear to be over. Disappointing. Plus, that Ramsay MacDonald fellow is the new Prime Minister and he's from the Labour party. Ghastly. Aristocratic omnipotence isn't what it used to be. Poor Donk.

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It's Getting Hot In Here…

Lady Anstruther - or (why fight it?) Duckface - has been sending Jimmy naked selfies, crashing the Crawleys' 34th wedding anniversary party with her pretend car breakdown so she can try and get herself 'valeted'. Luckily for Tony Gillingham, Mary has arrived at the conclusion that when it comes to marriage, she 'ain't gonna buy her next car until she's given it a test drive'. And Cousin Isobel is worried that Lord Merton wants to 'show her his 12-bore'. You know what I'm saying. The Dowager Countess thought this was an absolute hoot before realising that Cousin Isobel becoming the next Lady Merton would be the Downton equivalent of Darth Vader killing Obi-Wan Kenobi, thus making her 'more powerful than you could possibly imagine'. Let's hope for the DC's sake that Lady Shackleton can get her hands on Lord Merton's lightsabre and end this nightmare.

Socially Awkward Principles

What's Miss Bunting's flipping problem? She gets invited to Downton for dinner, shows off just because she knows how to multiply fractions and spell 'Bolshevik', and then rubs Donk's face in it for not being voted chairman of the war-memorial committee. Someone needs to put their attitude in the freezer, as my friend Tom would say.

Baby Blues

Edith's little bundle of shame is now a toddler called Marigold. Being raised as a fake member of the Drew family, she'll be talking like Geoff Boycott and drinking John Smith's in no time. Needless to say, no one has noticed that Edith is deranged with misery, constantly gulping back tears of wretchedness and staring at a baby photo - as far as they're concerned, she's still just that major buzzkill who no one wants to go out with. The only way she can get any attention these days is by nearly burning the house down. Thank God Donk knows his way around a hose - which is probably what Jimmy was thinking about Duckface before Donk burst in, metaphorically pouring cold water on their fire before pouring actual cold water on the actual fire.

Also…

Baxter did bird for half-inching some jewels, Molesley bought some 'You too can look like Antonio Banderas!' hair dye and Daisy has her sights set on Price Waterhouse Coopers.