You know how sometimes when you go hiking you get attacked by a mountain lion or a clan of inbreds and you hurl your phone in a fit of ill-planned panic and now you can't call for help and your phone is broken? Well don't lost hope just yet, turns out you can use your phone parts to do some amazing things. After all, even the best cell phones can only do so much when used as they were intended. But busted up you can be all MacGyver with them.

It’s a brand new week at the ass end of January where few people try hard when it comes to films. Is that unfair? Not really. On the upside there’s a movie I actually want to see coming out this week. In limited release. Listen, limited release, you can suck a fart bag. No one likes limited release. Go hard or go home, cowards.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to be saturated in douche. Terrell Mims has resurfaced. Back in 2011 Holy Taco helped out him as a word thief, a man building his reputation on lies and deceit, copying the work of other authors (from huge, well known websites) and passing it off as his own.

As you know, I have a history of reviewing Fleshlights in non sexy ways. I mean, obviously you can hump one, but what else is it good for? That’s always been my point of view. But what are other people out there doing? I know that there are a lot of sites that describe methods of making your own homemade Fleshlight substitute, but what kind of advice are these guys giving each other?

Crows come in a murder. Everyone is instantly amused when they learn this. Boars come in a sounder. Otters in a romp. Porcupines in a prickle. It’s no end of amusement to look up stuff like so long as you never question how this is official in any way or who decided on such names. But once you’ve exhausted the hilarity of groups of animals, what’s left?

Once again I refuse to write anything down for about 20 minutes. Nicki Minaj is dressed like a gay leopard Sky Captain. I’m stating officially, right now, that I will not be able to continue this for a whole season. Why is this show on for another two hours the day after it was already on? This shit is going to be on the site on Monday because I have something else to put on on Friday.

Oh my Jesus. I’m doing this. Gird yourselves. OK, so this year the roster got shaken up and the old ladies of yesteryear are gone, replaced with Nicki Minaj, Mariah Carey and Keith Urban. 100 years ago this panel would have just been a table of sideshow freaks. Like the Bird Girl, a guy who eats live chickens and someone with flippers.

Ahh. The noble turd. Unloved. Overlooked. Shunted aside like so much shit. The turd is ever a stalwart companion in our vulgar lexicon. Not so robust as shit, not so juvenile as poop. Not as scholarly as feces or fecund as excrement. It is, simply, turd.

It’s 2013 and according to recent studies, everyone spends all the time on the internet. Everyone. All the time. Internet. But there’s also this curious notion people have been developing that they need to spend time away from the internet, doing things like reading or being alive. But is life away from the internet all it’s cracked up to be? Do you remember what you did before the internet? Ridiculous. Here’s 25 things the internet is way better than that happen out in the real world.