Far be it for me to question the editorial integrity of the MSN Entertainment team, but last I knew, Neil Armstrong wasn’t a woman in his mid-twenties at the time of the moon landings – or indeed, during any period before or since. And there certainly weren’t three of him.

It’s hardly surprising they can’t get their shit together enough to find a picture of “Dr Hoffman” either. I’d have just stuck a photo of Belinda Carlisle up, nobody’s going to notice.

Like any modern metrosexual man, I find it a real struggle to track down good make-up tips to take my look to the next level. Taking as my inspiration Lauren Luke’s weekly column in the Guardian Weekend magazine, I’d like to share a few of my tried and trusted techniques for cosmetic glorification of my otherwise mundane visage.

Step 1: Contrary to popular belief, you should wait until the dead of night before even thinking about opening your make-up box, bag or hidden floorboard compartment.

As you can see, I will be applying my slap tonight under cover of darkness. Look out the window; is it dark? Don’t be afraid to fly in the face of convention – most experts agree (not that they would let the ‘mainstream’ know), it is always better to apply make-up under dim, artificial light. In fact, turn all the lights off. By saving electricity, you’re making an important contribution to the fight against global warming. Pour a glass of wine to congratulate yourself.

Step 2: Let’s get started. Now, it’s understandable that you may feel the need to purchase an incredibly expensive foundation marketed by a multinational swank-emporium in order to provide a good ‘base’ to work on.

Rubbish. Your FACE is the BASE. Have acne? Pah! Bit blotchy from all that wine we just opened (you should have finished glass 2 at this point)? Au naturel is the theme here.

These are cost-conscious times, and even the top cosmetic peddlers are cutting back. Stay ahead of the fashion curve with this exclusive tip: STICKERS. Glamming up with a few well-placed adhesive illustrations really draws attention away from blemishes and puffiness.

I’m modelling a few choice examples from CBeebies magazine here – £2.50 every Wednesday for christ sake – but feel free to go for a cheaper alternative, such as corporate branding you may find on an everyday bunch of bananas (‘Fyffes’ are in) – or, make your own, for real individuality.

Step 3: The key to lipstick application is that there is no such thing as too much. Be bold. A slash of bright red lippy sends a strong signal – I am a sexual being, and proud of such. Do not be afraid to express yourself!

It’s a good idea to shave before this step – but you should be on glass 3 by this stage, and there could be repercussions.

Don’t be afraid to experiment here. I have improvised with a couple of swipes to the side-brow area – why not try the same across the eyes, or for maximum effect, using lipstick across the entire facial area? Obviously, my example is quite subtle, but try blending in with a little margarine spread across the brow area (Botox is so passe), or even a combo of several colours (stripes are big)?

Step 4: It can be disheartening when even after following these instructions for several minutes, you may not be quite as attractive as you had hoped (try opening another bottle of wine, and repeating).

Rumour has it that ‘digital manipulation’ is used to make many celebrities, who may otherwise be judged as ‘actually, quite ordinary’, look far better than otherwise might be the case.

Now, I’m not sure if this is true -surely celebrities wouldn’t lie to us – but why not Photoshop such a celebrity directly onto your face? I’ve provided a handy template in the image above, onto which I personally plan to embed a Flash slideshow montage of covers torn off the front of aspirational magazines in WH Smiths.