Cleansing the lens of cinematic perception, for your aghast befuddlement

Friday, March 07, 2008

Conan the Barbarian vs. Minnie Castevet - Round 34

Here are some random notes I found hidden in an old glove along with some tannis root and a 5 demon bag:1. CASTAVET!

The trick when you realize you live in a world full of cults and Satanists is not to panic, man. Don't fall into the Satanic panic-- Instead, become the Buddha - it’s like surfing - become the surfer when frenzied doctors and concerned therapists are still not quite sure it’s an ocean. By the time they declare the waters safe for wading, you’ll be on the other side. (chorus)

Thought upon thought layered upon itself, ad infinitum, the big breakthrough, time and space echoing in all directions around you, like two mirrors facing each other, but they’re ONE!

2. CONAN!

Conan with your sword and German accent, be real unto the riddle of steel, cwush your enemies and hear da lamentations of der women. To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, As far as Conan is concerned, the only thing to do with witches is make love to them if they are beautiful and to behead them if they are plain.

Now I think of those thickened Americans in the middle states, such as my Arizona-livin' brother, Fred. If times were different, would I not, for all my big city wickedness and forbidden knowledge, be killed by them?

I see them shrinking in fear from the terrifying darkness Polanski can dredge out of Ruth Gordon’s clown-cake make-upped old lady smile.

I see my Arizona brother wince when I make some smart-alecky intellectual remark about the repressed homosexual complexes underlying televised football.

You can bet my brother and/or Conan does not dig New York intellectual types and their fathomlessly evil complexity, but then again "evil complexity" is redundant, is it not?

Evil is complexity, Good is bland: long straight clean jaws and healthy diets, chomp chomp chomping on cigars, salads and steaks. I imagine Arnold as the Terminator Vs. The Old Jews cackling and summoning their ancient Satan in that big spooky upper west side Dakota building. Them drugging Mia Farrow and combining mental powers to blind competitors and Arnold, Governor of California, free of all mental powers, who would never dream of touching drugs, mowing them down with his uzi.

Arnold with his million swords and acre-wide white teeth - all the combined mental force of the Castavets would be a mere headache to mighty Conan. Panic attacks and paranoia are unknown to those who swing broadswords at mosquitoes and ask questions never.

3. Vacation is Nowhere

Average People go on "vacation" with their bodies but keep their minds safely a few weeks back in time. They use their bodies like NASA uses space rovers; as a combination camera and souvenir procurer. Once their mind catches up to the trip they experience it via sense memory as they gaze at/identify with the pictures they took from the safety of home.

Mom assumes a monotone when showing the pictures from the trip, delivering the tale of trying to order French fries in France; it’s intentional, the monotone, to make you bored, to not want to probe the discussion for little tidbits of detail which will not be there. Ditto the simplicity of Conan vs. the intellectual concealments of the Castavets.

The tidbits you might ask were “Why was she there?” What do we seek from foreign lands? Why do we go traveling when we can watch the travel channel for free and not get bit by mosquitoes or catch drafts in old hotels? Why oh why would we sign on to get our own wife pregnant with the devil just to make Tony Curtis go blind?

Conan travels, because he is mindless body. His brain never catches up with his actions.

Castavets do not travel, yet know all things and inflict harm from telepathic intent, their minds are already far ahead of you by the time you see their physical shells.

So, my dear reader, you do the math, oil the sword, feed the horse, and stay away from the upper west side.

It's that time of year, a curated list of bizarro cage-free horror films casual classic horror fans may not know of, by me, Erich -...

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Mission Statement

"The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piercing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the deadly light into the peace and safety of a new dark age."- H.P Lovecraft