Drake handed Global Recording Artist Of The Year Award

Right, before we get started with this, I just want to check that you’re sitting down. Are you? Well please make sure that you are. No, look, I don’t care what you’re doing, you’re going to need to sit down for this. I won’t be held responsible for anything that happens to you if you refuse to heed my warning, but I also don’t want you to get hurt.

If you were to injure yourself reading the information that is coming up in this story it would really upset me. Every time a CMU reader gets hurt as a result of something we tell them it’s like a dagger to my heart. And this is a particularly precarious situation, because the thing I’m about to tell you is that people like Drake.

Sorry, I came out with that a bit suddenly in the end. Are you OK? I really hope you’re OK. Like I said, it would devastate me if me telling you that fact led to you even getting a paper cut. Worse, you might have received a mild electric shock by involuntarily spitting tea onto your computer. Oh God, you’re going to need a new computer now. It’s broken and that’s that. Please remember though, I said that I would not accept any responsibility for what happened when you learned that people like Drake.

You might not believe this news, but I can assure you that it is true. The International Federation Of The Phonographic Industry has asked around, and it turns out that people really like Drake. His last album ‘Views’ was really popular all over the world, so the IFPI is going to give him its Global Recording Artist Of The Year Award for 2016.

“I’m delighted to be able to honour Drake as the IFPI Global Recording Artist 2016”, said IFPI’s Frances Moore, confirming that Drake is well liked. “Drake’s phenomenal success reflects how deeply his unique sound appeals to an enormous global audience. The Global Top 10 list features a number of amazing artists, and the variety and vibrancy of their art speaks volumes about the exciting state of music today”.

Yeah, you read that right. I didn’t want to tell you straight away because I was sure you’d fall down some stairs or out of a window due to the sudden shock. I guess the cat’s out of the bag now though. Yes, nine other artists are also fairly popular. Not popular enough to get the IFPI Global Recording Artist Of The Year Award for 2016, but enough to get on a list. Though I imagine they all slipped off the list and broke every bone in their bodies when they all found out that they were on that list.

Here’s that very list of the very artists that were very popular last year. Please do not read it if you are of a nervous disposition:

This is the fourth time the IFPI has thrown caution to the wind and let it be known which artist was most popular in the previous year. If you’ve got this far, I think you can probably handle knowing that One Direction were popular in 2013, Taylor Swift in 2014 and Adele in 2015. And, of course, Drake this year. Sorry.