A woman's point of view of intact and circumcised men

by Naida on December 5, 2012

As a woman who has embraced her right to pleasure as a sexual being, I have had experience with both cut and intact men. I always thought that neonatal circumcision was wrong as a form of male genital mutilation. A person should be able to choose permanent changes made to their body. In practice with partners, however, I had not given any thought about circumcision status for the first several years I was sexually active.

From an aesthetic point of view, there is not much difference to me between a cut or intact penis when erect. The glans is typically fully exposed by that point. A flaccid penis is a different story--I prefer the appearance of an intact penis when it's flaccid. A flaccid circumcised penis, to me, appears too much like a child's penis. You certainly don't want to think of changing a toddler's underpants when you're looking at your partner. It's only been recently that I have grown to appreciate the appearance of the glans itself; the smooth sheen of an intact man's glans is far more inviting than the standard skin texture of a circumcised man's, much the same way as men are attracted to the pinker color of a woman's vulva.

During oral sex, I have always noticed a difference between circumcised and intact. An intact man always responds more to oral stimulation than a circumcised man in my experience. Using my hands for added stimulation is easier with an intact man. The smoothness of the glans also made it easier for me to perform deeper oral penetration ("deep throating") without gagging. I have brought intact men to orgasm far more often than circumcised men.

Intercourse is where the true problems have occurred for me. In the earlier years of my sexual experience, when my partners and I were both young, there was no noticeable difference, at least at the time. It has only been in hindsight that I recognized the differences. As a petite woman, I cannot engage in rough sex easily with a partner, particularly if he's large. Looking back on incidents which have caused me pain, nearly ALL of those experiences have been with circumcised men who felt the need for rougher sex in order to feel adequate sensation. Additionally, because the glans and inside of the foreskin are mucous membrane (like a woman's vulva or inside the mouth) which produce a degree of lubrication, sex has been more comfortable with these men, compared to circumcised men whose cut penis absorbs moisture like other areas of skin do. The sliding motion of the skin also makes sex more comfortable by reducing friction. It is that friction from a circumcised penis that often makes a woman's delicate areas sore.

The final straw for me was a long term relationship with a fairly well endowed circumcised man. Sex was perfectly normal for us in the beginning, but it gradually began to take him longer to orgasm. After the first couple of months, it became more common for him to NOT ejaculate than to do so. Having never experienced this so frequently during normal sex, it concerned me that I somehow wasn't pleasing to him. It wasn't until I tried discussing it with him and doing some research that I realized he suffered from Delayed Ejaculation (DE), a sexual disorder most prevalent in circumcised men (and, to a lesser degree, men who have been traumatized by sex somehow, which he also was) when there has been no spinal trauma. At first, this eased my anxiety and I could resume sex with him semi-normally, having intercourse until I reached orgasm -- which he occasionally did as well.

As the relationship progressed and thoughts of permanency began to arise, problems cropped up again. Talking to him about counseling or getting other forms of help to treat his predominantly circumcision caused DE fell on deaf, and some times combative, ears. Wanting a lifelong partnership with this man, kids were obviously something I wanted as well. If he wasn't going to get treated, and this disorder was only going to get worse as a result, how would we be able to conceive a child without expensive fertility treatment, which he would also look upon with disdain or even refuse? My concern grew into incessant worrying, which even went so far as depression at times, and it seriously impacted my desire for this strange version of sex we had continued to have. Though he could still bring me to orgasm, my orgasms increasingly became just a body reacting to stimulation and less the additional psychological response that makes orgasms truly amazing. With the combination of my decreased desire for intimacy and his need to become rougher to compensate, it became more and more frequent that I would feel pain and have to stop before he could even come close to POTENTIAL ejaculation. In a relationship where we already had conflicts about anything even remotely sexual (the human body, sex, his lack of trust in my faithfulness, even platonic intergender relationships), the issues in our sex life brought everything to a boiling point that resulted in a messy breakup.

Though I still have a desire for intimacy with him because of my feelings for him, his circumcised status prevents any arousal I may have. I no longer feel aroused unless I know that a potential partner is intact. Even then, I still can't bring myself to resume sexual activity because of my emotions for my ex.

I'm certain that I'll eventually move past these feelings and re-seize my right to pleasure as a sexual being. But I have extreme doubt that I'll ever be able to have an intimate relationship with another man who is circumcised unless he is actively attempting to restore his foreskin. I feel guilty that I have emotionally penalized circumcised men because I know that the vast majority of them were brutalized as infants. But my relationship with my ex has left me so traumatized that I simply can't move past it any time in the foreseeable future.

This is Naida's story. She writes with a pseudonym because she has often been attacked for being a woman intactivist. Some people think that she should not speak up because she does not have a penis. I call those people Neanderthals. As seen in her story, women are affected by male circumcision, too.

Naida says of herself:

I grew up in a family in the medical field, with a mother who believes very strongly that teaching children accurate sexual health information is the best prevention for sexual complications as adults. Because of my mom's proper understanding of sexual anatomy, as well as the high risks involved with a purely cosmetic procedure, she chose to have none of my four brothers circumcised. I am a female intactivist, a true-equality feminist, and (above all else) believe in the right to body autonomy.

I thank Naida for sharing an intimate part of her life on the Restoring Tally blog. She confirms that male infant circumcision is harmful to women, too. ~ Tally

Comments

I just want to thank you so much, Tally, for sharing my story. I hope that it will prompt other women to speak up about their feelings and experiences regarding circumcision, and to loudly say "NO!" when asked to circumcise their sons.

I don't think I need to be rougher during sex at all. I have no problems to ejaculate either so I can be very gentle and ejaculate for sure. As for oral sex, it is good and I think it is normal to take some time to climax. I have asked all my friends who are uncut and they said the same thing... it takes them all a long time to climax. I am not a circumcision supporter or anything like that I think the child has to have their right to decided it in the future

Thank you for sharing your side of things, Philip, though I believe you have neglected to take the true point of my sharing to heart. I know the Sex as Nature Intended It website is overhyped and repetitive, but it's about as honest as it gets about the way women really ARE affected by circumcision- whether circumcised men are willing to admit it or not.

Philip, not all men are the same. Those who have a tight circumcision typically have more problems and cause more problems for their partners than those who have a loose circumcision. I had a tight circumcision and my shaft skin was taut when I was erect. All my partners were sore after sex and we required lots of lube. After only a few months of tugging I had enough slack skin where my partner noticed the difference and she was much more comfortable during sex. She stopped getting sore and we needed less lube. At that time I had about as much slack skin as someone who had a looser circumcision. It has gotten even better the more I restore.

It sounds like you may be one of the lucky guys with a loose circumcision.

This "silliness" that you refer to is real life experience which resulted in a year's worth of emotional torture. I encourage you to read about the effects of circumcision on both male and female libido.

Nonsense. Don't confuse causality with circumcision. Your ex just had some issues. You're not worth dating if you carry that kind of attitude around and are missing out on a lot of potentially good dudes. But it's your life.....

Do not try to bury what is causality with your own negative attitude of protecting an unnecessary procedure. Men who were the subjects of RIC report sexual dysfunction more frequently than men who were allowed to remain intact. This dysfunction ranges from premature ejaculation to retarded (delayed, inhibited, or inability) ejaculation, loss of sensation, increased incidents of erectile dysfunction, etc, and has been shown in many studies to be related to and/or caused by circumcision.

As for my own worth in dating, you are highly mistaken. I have gone out of my way in relationships to pretend that it does not bother me and to take steps which would allow me to continue a sexual relationship with partners. Even since this highly traumatic experience that was the result of a man who would not deal with his sexual issues related to circumcision (among other causes,) I have taken to carrying a bottle of lubricant in my handbag so that it will always be available in the instance of a "hook up" because I cannot maintain vaginal moisture with a circumcised partner (which I can do with an intact one.) It was heartbreaking to have to tell a consistent partner that I would still insist on condom use, even if he got another STI screening that he volunteered to have done with me so I could see his results, because I could not comfortably have sex with him without one.

When you consider how many men will insist upon circumcision of sons so they "can be like dad," the thought of becoming involved in a long-term/permanent relationship with a "happily" circumcised man (who can't even truly be "happy" with it because the choice was taken from them before they could have the experience of sex while intact) absolutely terrifies me. I do NOT want to punish these men for something they had no control over, but I cannot cause myself harm for their benefit either. And yes, sex with a circumcised man does cause me harm that ranges from discomfort during what is supposed to be a pleasurable experience, to injury in the form of vaginal tearing from the friction and lack of moisture, to infections (yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis) as the result of those injuries, and (especially in extreme cases, such as the one in my story) emotional distress. For this reason, I will not ever pursue a serious relationship with a circumcised man again unless he is working toward restoration.

Firstly, let me just apologise by hijacking the article with an off-topic rant, but:

...thank you for you artical, but I take issue with the following quote: "As a woman who has embraced her right to pleasure as a sexual being, I have had experience with both cut and intact men." This implies that you must have sex with more than one man to embrace your right as a sexual being. A woman (or man) can embrace their sexuality, and also be a virgin, somebody who waited until marriage, or only have sex in long term relationships. This is because sex is personal and subjective, and I don't like society's tendency to virgin shaming, or dictating that "good sex" as having as many partners as possible in as many different ways as possible, and if you don't enjoy that there's something wrong with you.

As a 22 year old virgin, I'm embracing my sexuality by waiting until someone serious comes along. To me, sex cannot be separated form love. That's the way I am, and I'm not going to change to be seen as "liberated" or "modern", or any of those other terms that are currently used to encourage girls into having lots of sexual partners. It's interesting that, in the middle of the last century, women were socially coerced into being more like men (promiscuous) rather than vice versa. Many women view the gateway to their wombs as precious, and a privilege to have access to, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm still embracing my sexuality, just not in the way that society and feminism dictates that I should.

Of course if a woman enjoys casual sex, that may be orgnaic and not because she has been influenced by society. I hope it doesn't come across like I'm suggest that. Just expressing my minoirity viewpoint here.

Vicky, I certainly respect your point of view, but it seems you have mistaken my meaning.

As a true-equality feminist and a proponent of bodily autonomy, I believe women are as equally free to choose how they experience (or don't experience) sex as men are. I have personally known men who chose not to lose their virginity until their late 20's, and I fully supported their choice to wait. It is my, and every other person's, right as a sexual being to experience what they find personally pleasurable.

Pleasure is uniquely different from person to person. One person may find frequent, impersonal sex with a variety of partners to be pleasurable. Another person may find sex is only pleasure when had with a long-term/permanent partner. If you find it more pleasing to wait, then wait. If another woman (or man) chooses not to wait, then they should have knowledgeably consensual sex as they see fit.

My choice of words was meant to express that it is my right, as an equal and sexual being, to pursue sexual pleasure as I see fit. The point is to shirk off the labels of "male/female," "good/bad," or "prude/slut," not establish a new mold.

Who is this guy?

Restoring Tally is just an ordinary guy who had to confront his prostate and circumcision problems. This site chronicles his journey in dealing with these issues. He has had prostate surgery and he is restoring his foreskin.