Dumbass Pages

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Since I relocated the Dumbass Dome to Maine a shade over 6 years ago,
summer has become my favorite time of year. Of course summers up here
are more comparable to spring time in Texas where I grew up. The average
High/Low temperatures for this day of the year are 80/60. Not too
shabby, huh?

Even, however, with the mild weather this time of year, the usual pratfalls of summer are evident. High humidity, sunrise at 4:30AM
and of course the annual onslaught of bugs. While not nearly as buggy
as Texas or other parts of the country during the summer, we still get
our fair share of insects here in New England. Just like they do in
Chico, Cal-ee-forn-ya.

Chico also has an abundance of Summer Time Dumbasses (STDs). Like Eiliya Maida.

Arachnid Assault

Normally, when a horde of bugs invade a home, The Orkin Guy is just a
phone call away. On the other hand, some people take ridding their homes
of insects into their own hands. Rather than call a professional
exterminator, the Big E decided to save a few bucks and clear out a shit
load of spiders that had made his casa their casa.

He should have called The Orkin Guy.

Let me splain.

Pest Control by Eiliya

OK, so these spiders pitched camp at Big E's pad and something had to be
done about the situation. Enter the blow torch. And hilarity.

Big E grabbed his trusty spider killin' blow torch and accompanying
propane when he went about the house blasting spiders with lethal
precision. Until he got too close to some dried out plants. This is
where hilarity and the obligatory house fire enter.

The thing is that E never saw it coming. Unbeknownst to him the plants
ignited and begin to smolder which in turn set the the house ablaze! E
went around to the front of the house to continue his arachnid
eradication with the flame thrower completely unaware of the pending
doom. His brother in law, however, saw smoke coming up from the house
where E had just been bbq-ing bugs.

Five fire engines, one firetruck, an ambulance, a few volunteer
firefighters and 25 Large (that's $25,000 for all of you Yoopers, and
you know who you are) in in damage later, the fire was extinguished.

Questions

***Spider Men***

Naturally, I have a couple of questions that need, nay, demand answers!

First and most importantly, does Big E's Home Owner's insurance
coverage carry a "Dumbass Clause" and if so, where can I get one? That's
a query I'll have to ask my long time friend in Texas, Clay Money. Clay
is a State Farm Agent
down in Midlothian. Like a good neighbor State Farm Agent Clay Money is
there. :) Clay, leave me a message on Facebook about the "Dumbass
Clause" inquiry. Thanks, amigo.

Next question, or as the Morons at Ace of Spades HQ, one of the best blogs on the Triple Dub (www.) with the smartest and funniest commenters (Morons) any where,
say FYNQ . That's pronounced "fink" and stands for "fuck you next
question". After writing that glowing review of the HQ and the Morons, I
forgot the FYNQ. But it was a good one, dammit!

Before I get done here and head up to bed (it's10:45 PM, 7/11/2012)
trying like hell, and failing miserably, to remember what the FYNQ was, I
will ask the post-FYNQ FYNQ of The Big E: haven't you ever heard of
using a broom to remove spider webs and then stomping the little
bastards into fuzzy spots on the ground?