November 19, 2013

WHADDUP!

Here are the HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE premiere photos that are referenced and attached are my comments and honestly a lot of talk about having sex with men.

Sadly, this picture gallery did not have any of those over the shoulder shots where we look at their butts. I’m thoroughly disappointed as I imagine you all are as well. Nevertheless… let’s judge these people by their faces and clothes.

THERE SHE IS… MISS AMERI-HUNGER GAMES-ZAH!

She looks great. She looks like Esther Williams. I have been writing this blog for 35 years now with 24 of those years with no readers whatsoever, and up until the past week or two, I hadn’t made an Esther Williams reference and this is the fucking second Esther Williams reference. And both references were not at all forced. This reference is spot fucking on what Esther Williams wears in her movies. Literally, a dress with a one piece swimsuit underneath. Add to that, Esther actually died earlier this year… around my birthday. WHAT?! I KNOW!!! EVERYTHING IS HAP… whatever.

Legitimately, this outfit looks like at some point a high dive and a pool will just be revealed and pushed to the front and center of the premiere and as Jennifer Lawrence walks towards the ladder with long outstretched steps, men in tuxedos will effortlessly cross her path and in one swift movement tear her dress from Lawrence, and without missing a beat Lawrence will leap to the ladder and quickly ascend to the top like the sexiest lemur you could ever imagine – IMAGINE IT – and once at the top of the diving board, Jennifer would waive to the crowd, hit that billion dollar smile, and then she would do that hop step to make that running start of the platform into a triple somersault dive… and about two steps in she would slip and slap her butt – great butt – off the end of the diving board and fall ass – great ass – first in a seated position into the pool below while screaming all the way down.

I mean, she’s kind of klutzy.

I mean, she is a tall female.

Females are klutzy to begin with.

Tall females, there’s absolutely no hope they won’t be klutzy.

Nevertheless, America’s MOTHERFUCKING Sweetheart.

By the time, she stopped aching in the middle of the pool from the force of the fall and she swam to the edge to get toweled off, there would be a gold statue of sort ready to be given to Jennifer Lawrence as a sign of how she’s stolen all of our hearts again.

Good looking cast, right? That’s really all we need. Just some good looking people for us to stare at for 2 hours. It really never gets old staring at good looking people.

Ok, well, I’ve already talked about Jennifer Lawrence and her swimsuit dress. I will say, her legs look all sorts of mean in this picture.

I will get to the other Hemsworth in a minute as well as the tiniest love interest of them all.

AND! I was going to look up who the fuck Elizabeth Banks fucks because they’re a lucky so and so and I was fucking blown the fuck away by the answer… a Jewish fantasy football expert.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

First, let me clear this up. There is no “Jewish fantasy football”. Actually, there could be. I don’t know for sure. But what I meant was that this guy – Max Handelman – is Jewish. And, Banksy up there converted to Judaism for him for the whole marriage thingy. And, his job is as a fantasy football expert.

FUCK YOU, CONVENTIONAL THOUGHT!

Am I right? That right there should be the storyline for REVENGE OF THE NERDS IX: JEW NERD BANGS ELIZABETH BANKS. I’m not saying that’s the best title, but it’s pretty succinct on what the movie is. My mind is pretty fucking blown right now. A fantasy football blogger – lowest social deviant on Earth – is with this stunning woman. Amazing. I don’t even really know what to say minus this may make ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO make more sense that Elizabeth Banks in real life has a soft spot for Jews who she’s out of their league. ANYWHATZZLE!

There are these doofs!

Seriously, unless you’re Elizabeth Banks and you have a wild perception of who should be the father of your children as well as your sexual partner for eternity… the decision between these two dudes has got to be the easiest to make ever.

UNLESS… you’re one of those people who couldn’t be with someone better looking than yourself, so the other Hemsworth is out of the picture in that one. But everyone else that doesn’t have that insane narcissism should make the quickest decision to bang the other Hemsworth and to allow the tiny man to possibly park your car or maybe go get you some grocery and you’ll tip him like 20% and send him on his way to never be seen again.

SERIOUSLY!

How short is the baker kid? How short is he? HOW SHORT IS HE?! Whatever you said, HE’S SHORTER THAN THAT! Unless you said, answered how short is he with “Danny DeVito”. That’s the only height that’s right. Look at Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Stanley Tucci being several inches taller than him. PSH and the Tooch! They’re not basketball players. They’re not even guys who go to basketball games. They’re shorter dudes. Look at the MONSTROUSLY tall other Hemsworth brother. LOOK AT HIM. He’s the fucking Freedom Tower compared to the subterranean mole person known as the bread baker kid. ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND?! HOW IS THIS EVEN A CONVERSATION! YOU’RE FUCKING THE OTHER HEMSWORTH BROTHER AND YOU’RE TELLING THE BAKER KID TO SHINE YOUR FUCKING SHOES BECAUSE YOU WANT TO WEAR SHINY SHOES WHILE YOU’RE FUCKING THE OTHER HEMSWORTH BROTHER.

GOD DAMN IT, HE’S SHORT!

I didn’t read the books. I’ll re-state that I DIDN’T READ THE BOOKS.

Nevertheless, I saw that fucking movie. I SAW IT. And, for the people who didn’t read the book, but did see the movie… THIS GUY IS THE FUCKING WORST AND DOESN’T MAKE ANY MOTHERFUCKING SENSE WHATSOEVER!

I can only assume that this character is taller and by taller I mean much taller in the book. I have been told that he’s got a way with words in the book. The kid who bakes bread has got a way with words… WHAT IS THIS MOONSTRUCK?!!! Seriously, if that didn’t make you laugh then you’ve never seen Moonstruck and you should totally see Moonstruck because the storyline with the old people is easily better than the Hunger Games and that’s not even getting to Nicolas Cage and his wooden hand or Cher looking hot. Ok? Ok.

This is what this guy’s character does in the movie… he looks like he was shot with a shrink ray, he bakes bread, is a dick to Katniss, throws bread into the rain – thanks but no thanks you jackhole, he can throw heavy sacks farther than you would guess, and he gets injured to the point that he has to water color paint his body to look like the Earth’s terrain and he lays around while Katniss kills everyone. And there are chicks out there thinking they want to fuck this guy? YOU’RE ALL FUCKING NUTS!

Anyway, he’s a little boy child and I guess some chicks are into that. Have fun fucking your little boy child. Oh, I can’t wait to get this little boy child’s pecker inside me.

Meanwhile…

Damn right, a thumbs up.

Thumbs up to God for making you a Devilishly handsome individual.

Thumbs up, indeed.

Anyway, this guy has done nothing noteworthy as an actor. I haven’t seen a good movie with him in it, so he’s not as good looking as his brother and not as good of an actor so far. His brother is in some awful shit films, but he’s also been a couple good ones, and I’ve got a feeling it is not entirely his fault these awful shit films are so awfully shit. Same I guess goes for this guy. Whatever. They’re handsome.

If Josh Hutcherson didn’t suck off at least two of the producers and the first director Gary Ross than I have no idea why he is in these movies.

If he did suck them off then honestly good for him. You know, you got to get a HEAD in life some way or another.

Moving on…

If you can’t tell, that’s Jena Malone.

Remember her? She looks good? She kind of looks like a feminine version of Tilda Swinton here. I don’t know. I know Jena is attractive, but she’s so colorless here. What’s the deal, Jena? Colors can be your friend. Anyway, she’s in the movie. She probably looks nothing like this in the movie. Don’t get me wrong, I usually like Jena as an actress.

Yep, he’s a father.

He’s a father and wearing those shoes.

Unreal.

No one is more Lenny Kravitz than Lenny Kravitz.

Zoe’s looking good. She should be in these movies.

Ugh.

Go away.

They’ve had their flirtation with fame and good for them on that, but let’s call it quits – shall we? By the way, if you haven’t noticed Jaden’s wearing two different shoes yet, you’ll get all sorts of new angry when you do.

The thing that is strange and I don’t want to really make fun of children, but whatever… Will Smith is a regal human being. That’s right, regal. REGAL!!! He’s attractive, he’s talented, he’s smart, he’s confident, and so on. Will Smith carries himself like he’s about to walk into a room and do anything. Anything. Everything. Whatever it is, he’ll be able to do it. Physical to mental. There are videos of him solving Rubix cubes with no problem whatsoever. He’s been a winner at everything he’s done. And, he fucking looks like it. He looks like he’s got his shit together.

His son? I have yet to see a picture of this kid where I haven’t thought, he looks clueless. The sister looks like she can’t keep her eye lids open. Not sure what that says minus life is boring to her. But Jaden looks pretty clueless in real life. I’ve seen him act a few times now, he looks thoroughly serious and perplexed at all times in those movies. In real life, mouth agape and clueless. Like I would never guess that Jaden is Will Smith’s kid. Same goes for Willow. I might guess if I didn’t know better that these were Michael Jackson’s kids. I would totally buy that. If that kid who Michael used to drape a blanket over his head grew up to look like either Jaden or Willow – wouldn’t be shocked. Will Smith’s kids though? Pretty shocked.

Uhhhhh, is the dopey Jaden having sex with Kylie Jenner?

That is similarly as confusing as the Katniss/Peeta relationship.

She’s 16. I saw some college kids who had to be around 21 who looked like they were 12 and she looks like she’s in her 20’s.

Ashlee Simpson is dating Chris Brown?!

HAHAHAHAH… it’s not Chris Brown, but it looks like him. It really looks like him. Well, it looks like him if he wasn’t so fucking crazy. Chris Brown is certifiably crazy. He has a jail stint in him. Like in the next few years, I bet he’ll find himself in jail for a year or so. You can’t go around for too too long with cocaine boogers and picking fights with strangers without going to jail for a bit.

Never would have known that was Ashlee Simpson if the website didn’t tell me.

Big fan of this guy.

I really liked BLUE MOUNTAIN STATE a lot and it had a lot to do with this guy.

I’m looking forward to the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie that he is in as much as I’m not looking forward to it. I’m dying to see it and also thoroughly worried it will be unwatchable.

We’ll see. Anyway, good looking and funny.

She’s not messing around and looking great.

I will say her boobs or more so the holster for those boobs kind of looks like Mickey Mouse’s head. Right?

Is that sexy? I don’t really know. Either way, I like the attitude and, of course, the sex appeal going on here. Being famous and hot is fun! Act like it.