What to do when you just don’t want to do it

Mrs. Happy recalls a recent time when, for about four weeks, she had very little interest in sex–and even when she did have sex, it wasn’t anywhere near as good as usual. (Which didn’t exactly make her excited about the next time.) Her health was OK, as far as she knew; she wasn’t upset with her husband; and though she was under more stress than usual, it didn’t seem like enough to dampen what is usually a time of refreshment amidst life’s pressures for her. Mrs. Happy suspects there was a spiritual cause–believe it or not, the enemy wants to prevent women from enjoying this aspect of marriage, because sexual pleasure is a force of great unity between husbands and wives. But to this day, Mrs. Happy doesn’t know exactly what was going on. She’s just happy she snapped out of it.

The truth is, even with the most harmonious sexual relationships, this scenario recurs multiple times in the course of a marriage. You just aren’t into it, and when that extends from days to weeks, you’ve got yourself a problem.

So, what is a godly wife or husband to do?

First, pray. When Mrs. Happy saw that there was no apparent reason for the lack of sexual desire and that it had gone on for a while, she quickly enlisted Mr. Happy for prayer. (Ah, yes. Watch the fiery prayer warrior in your husband pop out of the woodwork.) Who says you can’t pray about this stuff, and who says it shouldn’t be your first resort? If your husband isn’t saved, pray on your own or with a trusted married female friend who’s in a solid relationship.

Is it possible that you’ve come into contact with spiritual forces that are attacking your sex life? Demonic spirits are attached to pornography, and the initial thrill will deteriorate into sexual deadness. Travel to countries where demonic forces are often invoked to enhance or assail fertility, potency, and so on can also affect you if you’re not careful to plead the blood of Jesus on your marriage and sexual relationship. (No, Mrs. Happy is not crazy.) And yes, this can happen in America too.

Second, are you sure you’re not angry with your spouse? Mrs. Happy has said it before, but she’ll say it again for the benefit of the brothers: An angry man is the unsexiest man in the world. On the flip side, sisters, a husband who’s domineered by his wife can lose interest in sex and not even know why. Guard your tongue and your actions, because respect for your husband is mandatory for a healthy marriage.

Then, consider your health, diet, sleep, and exercise habits. No one wants to have sex when they’re dog tired, and if this keeps happening to one or the other spouse, maybe it’s time to adjust the household responsibilities or work hours. But did you know that substantial belly fat in a man not only interferes with his circulation but reduces production of testosterone, a hormone that stimulates interest in sex? Did you know that alcohol and cold medicine can hinder a woman’s sexual response, and that the pill often suppresses her natural sex drive? There are many health issues that affect interest in sex, and Mrs. Happy can’t cover them all here. But remember that your body is not only the temple of the Holy Spirit–it belongs to your spouse (1 Corinthians 7:4). It is a godly thing to treat your body right.

Fasting is a practice that inhibits interest in sex. Just assume that your sexual desire will disappear one or two days into a fast. No wonder Paul cautions married believers to abstain from sex for the purpose of fasting only with mutual consent and for a set period of time (1 Corinthians 7:5). In other words, one spouse can’t say, “I’m gonna fast for however long I need to, and you’re just gonna have to deal with it.”

That same passage in 1 Corinthians gives us a clue how to handle these periods of lack of interest in sex that we all go through. Paul says, “Do not deprive each other…” of sex, and, after the period of fasting, “come together again” as husband and wife so you do not fall into temptation. Two truths underlie these statements:

1. We don’t have a right to withhold sex from our spouse. Sex is part of marriage, and every spouse has a right of access to the other spouse’s body. Someone is going to ask, “Does that mean you can never say no?” Of course not. The law of love supersedes this principle of sexual access, and there are occasions when it is not loving at all to press your spouse for sex. But keep in mind, husbands and wives, that hearing “no” regularly and for no good reason is a devastating form of rejection. But…you can repent today.

2. Husbands and wives should have sex regularly, however they define “regularly.” (Mrs. Happy’s definition of “regularly”: Both spouses are happy with the frequency of sex, given their work schedules and levels of sexual interest, and no one feels unduly tempted by the lack of sex. Is your spouse happy with how often you have sex? Ask them. I dare you. And try to be considerate with your expectations, because work, sleep, and parenting are important too.)

Given these truths, we arrive at the solution to our original statement: Sometimes you’ve just got to suck it up and do it–out of love and consideration for your spouse, knowing that God has called them to do the same for you.

Mrs. Happy has been married to one man for a long time. She loves to read your comments online at mannaexpressonline.com.

Mrs Happy thank you. I think only God can change man. A woman becomes happy for her husband and can be critic on that. And run away from it. A woman can say no to sex, but if he wants it now he can do it. A woman can say I am ready for sex and a man can turn his back to her for weeks if not months. A man can hide his plans from his wife but discourse with hia relatives eg. Sisters and friends. When the wife tries to ask, he becomes angry and talk back walking away.May God help. Women are in fire as far as I know. She says, it is like I am having a different man from the one who said to me in an honorable way (WILL YOU MARRY ME) I think let’s help men fully.Thank you and God bless.