Apparently I didn't get the memo that I'm still suppose to do what exwh wants and my life is to revolve around him.

Our kids are 3 and 6 years old. I scheduled their dentist appointments back to back on next Monday. I was kind enough to let exwh know today when the dentist appointments were going to be.

His response?..... He asked if I could move their appointments to the following Friday because it would more convenient for him

I replied that its hard to get back to back appointments and that I had to make some arrangements that revolve around the appointment. He came back with if I had asked the dentist if they had openings on Friday and that he could take the kids himself if I can't get off work for the appointments.

Ugh! I feel I might have to get nasty to get him to back off. But if I do he will make my life difficult for a long time just because he can.

a little background: exwh and i live 60 miles apart from each other. I was a SAHM and now he gets to keep the martial home while the kids and I live with my parents.

Last year he tried to change the kids' primary doctor from the one in my city to the one in his city because it would be closer to him since he would probably have one of the kids near the time of a well visit. The pediatrician refused to change the primary doctor because they had already transferred the shot records. I think they knew he was doing it behind my back. Our DS has a potentially dangerous fire ant allergy. We have epi-pens and everything. He just doesn't get the importance!

Of course exwh is only thinking about himself. Then when he came to DD's well visit we took that time to schedule DS appointment too. He agreed to the time and date but once he got home he didn't feel it was "in the best interest of the kids" for them to be in the car so much (traveling to and from dr and then me picking them up for end of visitation). He then demanded that ALL doctor appointments needed to be scheduled during the time I have custody of the kids.

So now I have been scheduling during my custody time. He insists on coming to all the appointments but now I need to make them to more convenient for him.

Dr. and Dentist appointments are difficult to schedule around work and other events, especially if trying to get both kids seen at the same time. In the future, you are welcome to let me know in advance what days and times are best for you. However, I will accept what time they have open that will work best for the kids. I will always inform you when their appointments are.

End of discussion. Let him rant, yell, scream, whatever. Ignore. If he wants, let him take you to court. Gee Judge, she schedules appointments at times I say are convenient, but then when I decide they are not, she won't change them, just because she wants to have both kids appointments at the same time. I ordered her to make all their appointments on her time, then got mad that the times don't work for me. Make her do what I want!!!!

Yeah, I had to tell mine a few times, not necessarily because of appointments, that hey, this is what you wanted. This is what happens when you walk out on your family. Everything isn't about YOU.

BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

No words to add, just hugs. I am dealing with this too and now with XH having moved away 35 miles things are even more difficult to schedule.

I take it one day at a time; I know I will not change him and just stand my ground on it.

Every time he asks me to cancel an appointment or the kids miss something important because of his 'schedule' I document it. I am hoping that moving forward I will get full custody with him having visitation and that my records of his disruption of the kids life will work against him in court.

Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

Posts: 1301 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: California

Amazonia♀ 32810Member # 32810

Posted: 2:05 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013

Do you share legal custody? I would let all of your doctor's know that he should not be allowed to change anything.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 14184 | Registered: Jul 2011

courageous♀ 34477Member # 34477

Posted: 2:38 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013

In the future, you are welcome to let me know in advance what days and times are best for you. However, I will accept what time they have open that will work best for the kids. I will always inform you when their appointments are.

This is kind of difficult. I really only talk to him via email due to his controlling behavior and wanting to get everything in writing. Since the drive is over an hour his convenience wouldn't be mine. I like the kids to have the first appointments of the day so they don't miss school or disrupt their day. He doesn't get up very early...never has.

Do you share legal custody? I would let all of your doctor's know that he should not be allowed to change anything.

We have joint legal custody but in any evasive procedures.. Medical, educational, etc i get to make the decision after "consulting with him".

I feel like telling the doctors that unless the appointment is made or canceled by me personally to not allow it. I don't want to scare off the medical profession but I don't want his narcissism to ruin things for me and the kids.

What should I say about moving this appointment?

I already replied once with:

I'm sorry but I really can't change the appointment. Since school is starting soon a lot of people are trying to squeeze in appointments, like myself. I made it on a day that DS and DD would both be available and able to be seen back to back. I have also had to make several other arrangements that revolve around the appointment time.

He then replied if I had even asked the doctor if there were opening on Friday and if so he would take them himself.

The issue is that when their schedule is disturbed too much it makes it hard for them to not get super wound up. He is already coming down Friday afternoon for DS's school orientation. So what he wants is to take them to the dentist, spend the day with them, and then be at the orientation.

Just to say he has been difficult about everything with me. Every time I have been nice to him he has turned around and screwed me over.

I don't want to change the kids' appointments I made the appointments when I wanted. I was being generous by telling him before the fact that the kids were going to the dentist.

He refuses to take the kids to their appts when they are in his custody but when I take them during my time he in turns wants to spend extra time with them. I don't have a problem with this but he doesn't tell me he is coming... I have to find out from my 6 year old and then he asks for extra time in FRONT of the kids which makes me the bad guy if I say no.

During facetime he has even promised the kids I would give them treats if they eat what he tells them to but they are in MY house.

His response?..... He asked if I could move their appointments to the following Friday because it would more convenient for him

It is hard to get out of that secretary role. It is a pain but you need to establish some precedent or you will be changing stuff all the time to suit him.

I understand - my Ex seems to think his life is more important than mine too.

I replied that its hard to get back to back appointments and that I had to make some arrangements that revolve around the appointment. He came back with if I had asked the dentist if they had openings on Friday and that he could take the kids himself if I can't get off work for the appointments.

When he asked if you could move the appt, you should just say "no". By trying to explain why, it gave him the impression you would cater to his requests.

You said your agreement says you get to make the decisions after you consult with him? Welp - you did.

My kids have dentist appointments next week. I never even considered telling Ex nor would I want to share the waiting room with him.

God didn't give you the strength to get back on your feet so that you can run back to the same things that knocked you down.

Posts: 2954 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa

Dreamboat♀ 10506Member # 10506

Posted: 2:54 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013

I would not reply again. You already told him that you cannot move the appointment. This is a control issue for him. I mean, it is just s freaking teeth cleaning! It would be different if your child had a serious illness and was going to a consultation with a specialist and it was important that he hear directly what the Dr says. But how important is it for him to hear the dentist say "No cavities this time" or "We have a cavity that needs to be filled".

In the future when he cause a fuss simply reply "I am sorry but I cannot move the appointment." Do not give any further explanation and do not respond to any of his replies because he is just trying to bait you.

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)

devistatedmom♀ 24961Member # 24961

Posted: 4:56 PM, August 15th (Thursday), 2013

I totally agree. I didn't realize you had already replied to him, and I think your reply was fine. It fit the situation. :)

He's told you to schedule them on your time, so just keep doing what you are doing. The other stuff? I personally would tell him straight up that he cannot tell them that you will give them treats to do what he says. I would also tell him that he needs to ask you for extra time when the kids are not in earshot, or the answer from now on will be no, you have plans. Shoot, drive to walmart before you go home. You had plans. You need to set up more boundaries with this ass. He won't stop without them.

BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.