At War

During this breathwork session, amidst turmoil in my personal life, presence with my own personal struggles with another being, brings a vision of world peace…

We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama

On my way down to Sydney this weekend, I wrote a quick post about what was bubbling up and the events, thoughts, behaviors that were at the forefront of my mind, which would be influencing the intentions that I would set that day. Although I spent a bit of time debriefing and writing clear intentions for myself before the session, they sort of got thrown out the window, when I made a phone call just minutes before the session was due to start.

Speaking to my beautiful partner I was immediately concerned to hear the distress and pain in his voice. Relations with a significant other had somehow managed to deteriorate further during the short time that I was away, and as he filled me in on the mornings events back home, I was filled with fresh with hot rage, fury, and burning sense of injustice.

Hanging up, I went straight to the mat to lay down and begin breathing, so at the beginning of the breathwork session, I was totally and utterly swept up in anger and frustration. Mentally I went over and over the injustices and things that had been said or could’ve been said and what I was going to do or say in response. I can even feel myself getting annoyed right now, as I type! I tried to push all this discomfort away and focus on the breath, I noticed this as myself denying my experience, and tried to be with the experience in a witnessing kind of way. This meant the feelings would become really intense again and a part of me would kick in and try to push the intensity down again. This went on for quite some time. On top of that I felt annoyed that I was “wasting” a breathwork session on this situation!

Eventually the war within me subsided. I recalled the dream that I had had during the week, (see post titled “moving on”). With a sense of resignation and a little relief, I saw that this situation (one in which it was extremely easy for me to blame, and attack another from a place of anger and with a sense of total justification), was like the entity in my dream and this situation provided the perfect opportunity to act from my growing deep understanding that I am the only one that can really affect my experience. Everything that occurs in my life is intricately and inexplicably interwoven with the way I view the world. My beliefs, my perspective, my attitudes, my expectations. The outer world is a reflection of our inner world; therefore everything can be resolved from within.

This fact is easy to see when we consciously put energy into creating something, which then manifests and we feel in touch with our creative power. But much harder to own when things aren’t going our way, or people seem to be randomly being mean to you out of the blue and for no good reason! (This is how it appeared to me). The challenge is to consciously, deeply acting from this space of knowing when we are attached in some way to responding unconsciously. In my situation, coming from a place of injustice, hurt and anger, I really wanted to yell back, prove them wrong, point out all their faults, tell everyone how horrible they were, In an attempt to heal the wound I felt had been inflicted on me. “Hay! I’m not wrong, you’re wrong!”

As I write I see that the “me” that felt hurt is my ego. And the part of me that will never be affected is my true nature, the part of me that is eternal and complete in love always, call it what you will, soul, higher self, god, whatever. During the session, I met with this higher part of the other person involved in the conflict. As I lay breathing, eyes closed, I became aware of them. This happened spontaneously; I had no desire to heal things between us. In fact when Alakh asked me what my intention was I said something like “to create a life where I never have to be in touch with that person again” (she laughed and after some talking, I did change it). I could not see any possibility of healing between us.

However, as I lay there, in my mind’s eye, I saw this person’s physical form standing in front of me, arms outstretched and hands clasped together as if offering something to me.

In their Purity, I sensed an enormous outpouring of gratitude from them. Not gratitude FOR anything in particular, but a deep sense of gratitude and love as the result of their complete responsibility for their experience, all anger, blame and attacks dropped away and allowed the pure love of their being to reach out to me. As though they were saying “Thank you, for the precious role you have played in my life”

A transcending of ego. Enlightenment. I felt wary and awestruck and I saw and knew the total peace that they embodied was able to occur because of their willingness to be complete in the truth that at the highest level none of that stuff matters one tiny bit. I fantasized what the world would be like if all people awakened to this aspect of themselves and stopped needing to battle with each other. The whole world would be at Peace!

I dwell ed in this sense of enlightened bliss, all knowing, for a little while. From this space I saw how easy it is to have the things we desire, beautiful home, plenty of vibrant food, money, freedom. From that higher perspective, I thought to myself. Why do I put so many steps in between me and the things that I desire? They are right there for the taking. Just have them! Just let them come straight to you! All those ‘’ways” and “rules” (like get full time job, get massive mortgage, THEN, and only then, can you buy a house) are constructs of the mind. Just let all that go! It seemed so simple.

Then as that experience passed I saw a really strange image. I saw a house perched up REALLY REALLY high on a cliff. It was disproportionate and creepy looking. My kids and I were there and I had a sense of foreboding danger, and I felt worried about losing one of my kids off the cliff because I was too distracted by something. Staying with this uncomfortable image, it changed, and the cliff became less precarious and firm solid stairs appeared for everyone to walk up and down safely. I felt safe and like I was protecting my kids and they were learning well. It was a really odd and seemingly random image, which also passed.

This session I am aware that it is a total miracle that at the end I feel relaxed and have gained distance and relief from the situation that confronted me in the hours before the session, as well as a degree of perspective about the situation. As I became more grounded during the hours after the session finished, I gradually slipped back into some of the feelings and thought process that plagued me before I arrived that morning. Overall I’d say that it was about 80 percent better than before. Not too bad…I can’t imagine how long it would have taken me otherwise!

"Counsellors need to be in touch with their spirituality, the inarticulateness of knowing, meeting, remembering, sharing, journeying together. The way into these experiences is often unexpected and found in areas in which we are less competent and more vulnerable, using less-dominant traits, less-used senses, in metaphor, through nature, in the shared but incomplete intimacy of the privilege of the counselling or supervision room"