faith. friendship. parenthood. life.

A Laser Yes (Soul Space Thursday)

When I was eleven months pregnant with our second child (okay, okay, it was only eight-and-a-half, but it felt like eleven), I picked up our three-year-old at preschool only to have his teacher stop me at the door.

“You know,” she said, reaching behind her for a clipboard, “Lincoln hasn’t taken the bird home this semester.”

I glanced down at the sign up list. There was only one slot still open. The 10-day spring break. Also known as seven days longer than any of the other slots. Also known as a window of time that included my due date.

I hesitated. Just as I was about to grab the pen because that is what I do, I sign up for things, I say yes to things, I keep shoving more into my calendar even when it screams out for relief, the line of parents jostled me from behind and my unborn son kicked me in the lungs.

“Oof,” I said, dropping the pen. “I’ll get back to you.”

That night at home I told Daryl we’d probably be taking the class bird home over spring break. He stared at me. Through me.

“That’s so not happening,” he said.

“But everyone is supposed to take the bird home and we haven’t signed up for it yet!” I protested.

“Just tell them no,” he said. “We are having a baby, so we are not having a bird.”

As my guilt simmered all night like a fine pot of stock, I pondered this idea. Could I really just say no? Was it that simple? Not my circus, not my…bird?

Why say no when it feels so good to say yes? Saying yes makes people happy—the boss, the spouse, the Sunday School director, the neighbor, the child, the friend. Saying yes is easier than saying no. Saying yes is fun. Yes to the late night, yes to the extra ice cream, yes to the additional project, the adrenaline, the speed, the stress, the sense that we will be infinitely capable and unencumbered by our own limits if we just keep saying yes.

Yet we are finite people with limited time, energy, and resources. Every yes we say is an implicit no to something else. We must treat our yes with care and purpose, lest we yes ourselves into the abyss. Without no, we are never really saying yes.

Hi, I’m Courtney and I’m a Yes-a-holic. Perhaps you’re one, too. A Yes-a-holic is someone who says yes way too often. Far, far too often. Yes to people, yes to events, yes to more stuff, yes to taking on yet another thing.

Yes-a-holics default state of being is busy. They wear their “Stressed Out” badges like marks of honor. They repeatedly, continually sign up for things they should decline. They are constantly inundated by stuff I don’t need.

Yes-a-holics can often be recognized by the way they walk (quickly), talk (with overtones of self-importance), and listen (not well). They’re often spotted multitasking while in grocery lines, paying no attention in meetings, and staring blankly at their computer screens at 11pm wondering how they will fit it all in.

I did. Got another parent to help out, and we took it later that semester. She was super kind about it, and we didn’t have a dead bird (which may have happened since I ended up having a baby and being a liiiiiittle distracted!).

My husband is my ‘yes’ filter. (I also call him my ‘crazy filter.’) Before I take something new on I TRY to make sure I run it through him- not for approval, because he’s the kind of guy who’ll support me no matter what, but because I know he’ll actually think the idea through versus me who’s first reaction is SURE! I can TOTALLY direct choir and play the accompaniment and teach Sunday School next week! Here’s to thoughtful ‘yesses’ and ‘nos!’

I have *finally* been learning to say no this year, but the guilt monster stalks me still at times! The remedy: I have been learning to take everything to God – start the day with a “it’s Your day, arrange and divert as You will” and then asking for guidance on things as they come up! Just on the spot – I pray under my breath, offer my heart soul and mind to Him and then I know what He wants. Even in dinky stuff! He just…moves my heart. There’s a sense of being in a partnership with God, walking with Him, offering Him it all. It’s a full way of loving Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. Too often my “yesses ” have been to love myself, make me feel important or needed etc. And that’s a god that is insatiable and will let you devour yourself. Ain’t no one got time for that! ❤️ Thanks for this encouraging reminder!! Grateful for your voice in my life!

Oh boy, did I need to read this today! I am totally a Yes-a-holic, even though one of my dear friends reminds me often that “you can say ‘no’ without an excuse”. I am a people-pleaser and yes pleases people. But it doesn’t often please me. Or God. Thank you for the reminder.