Sometimes there are tricks of a trade
that the average person just doesn’t understand. Take the pizza delivery
industry, for instance: Ever wonder why your pizza slices won’t come
apart when you try to eat them? It’s because you did something to piss
off the delivery driver (probably tipped poorly or let your little dog
bite him and laughed) and he told the cook not to cut your pie all the
way through so it would get all messed up when you tried to eat it an
hour and 30 minutes later. The Enquirer today performed the
equivalent of a guy who still listens to 311 getting one over on you
when it used a Buzzfeed-style list to demonstrate a “decidedly split”
local Democratic party during this year’s mayoral race. A quick scroll
past the brief intro offered something that seemed more like relevant
Democrats supporting Roxanne Qualls (every Democratic incumbent on
council; the current mayor) versus John Cranley’s list that includes the
non-Democrats on council (Republican Charlie Winburn; Independent Chris
Smitherman), Democrats whose family members are being paid by his
campaign (State Rep. Alicia Reece; former council member Laketa Cole)
and two former Democratic mayors who haven’t done anything in local
politics in a long time. Qualls also has endorsements from typically
Democratic-leaning organizations like Sierra Club, Equality Ohio and
unions, while Cranley has the Cincinnati Area Board of Realtors and the
local daily newspaper that still takes streetcar opposition seriously.

Pasta Manufacturer: Gays Should Create Their Own Type of Food

What are you supposed to do when you’re a
rich guy who thinks a woman’s place is in the kitchen and the liberal
media comes down on you for saying you don’t want gay people to eat your
company’s pasta? In the case of Guido Barilla, chairman of the Barilla
pasta company, you apologize in a number of different ways, each
demonstrating that you’re a bigger dick than the last time you tried to
get everyone to stop boycotting your product. According to AMERICAblog, a
journal about U.S. news, opinion and politics that often includes gay
rights issues because for some reason we are still arguing about them,
Barilla started the drama by telling an Italian radio show that his
company won’t include gay couples in advertisements because it “likes
the traditional family,” adding that gays “can always go eat someone
else’s pasta.” During a series of apologies, Barilla reportedly said
that he meant no disrespect to homosexuals and only wanted to “highlight
the central role of the woman in the family,” which of course goes
unfulfilled when two men live together and neither can act like a sexist
jerk because it would be hypocritical.

TANK to Ask KY Legislature for Larger Tiny Fraction of Funding

It sucks to be a poor person almost
anywhere — even in a place like Sweden where social services and upward
mobility are among the best in the world you still have to be around a
bunch of socialists who are going to spread your money around if you
ever get any.

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The Kentucky Enquirer today reported that one
service that almost exclusively serves the needs of low-income people —
the TANK bus system — is in pretty serious need of funding, and Northern
Kentucky officials plan to ask the state to fund more than just the 1.4
percent of the TANK budget it currently pays, perhaps moving toward the
national public transit funding average of 24 percent. If the state
provided 25 percent of the national average contribution, it would
amount to 6 percent of TANK’s budget and represent more than four times
what it currently receives from the state, but such a proposal will
never be presented because no one in Frankfort can understand such
complicated math due to the state underfunding its schools in a similar
manner.

Local News Stations Restructure After Broadcasts Mistaken for Parodies of News Coverage

There are things you can almost guarantee
will be on the local TV news if for some reason you find yourself stuck
watching it (probably because you did something stupid like forgot to
pay the cable bill or tried to get an oil change on a Saturday). They
are: things on fire, poor people committing crimes and things about
people in the community doing something nice :). Apparently local TV news stations are about to start taking their work seriously, according to an Enquirer
reporter who somehow has gotten paid to write about TV for about 20
years. John Kiesewetter today detailed staff changes at Cincinnati’s
four TV stations, including one new owner, two new GMs and several
anchors changing stations and timeslots. While one news director said
his station planned to “break through the clutter” and “provide useful
information for once,”
none would comment on whether Tricia Macke will continue to be
encouraged to call women with short haircuts men since there is still a
large part of the station’s audience that feels tickled by such
comparisons.

GOP Disappointed After Anarchy Fails to Ensue During Government Shutdown

There are plenty of reasons to believe a
government shutdown could be a good thing: Wild West style lawlessness;
the potential to relate to a Libertarian; GOP leaders looking like adult
babies (wearing diapers). The Enquirer today pointed out that
America’s governmental dysfunction is not all fun and games, however, as
15,800 local government workers are no longer getting paid, along with
2.6 percent of the national civilian workforce. Although the story’s
first example of how the shutdown will affect locals was kind of weird
(since when do elementary school students go on field trips to
Washington, D.C.; and what’s the difference if they see Mount Vernon or
some other racist’s giant house?), the story offered a helpful list of
government agencies that are on indefinite fall break, including the
tone of each agency’s voicemail stating that messages will be returned
once John Boehner gets his head out of Mitch McConnell’s asshole.