WBTW- Deputies are looking for a gun toting woman with a goatee who stole hundreds of dollars of Gamecock merchandise from a K-Mart in Lexington County recently. The incident happened just before 9 pm last week at the K-Mart on Saint Andrews Road, the Smoking Gun website reported. The goatee woman and another woman were spotted on Wednesday in the sports merchandise part of the store and took 4 USC garnet and black leather jackets, 10 USC baseball caps and 4 Dallas Cowboys leather jackets. The woman who grabbed the USC jackets was described as a black woman with dreadlocks, glasses and a goatee and was wearing tan shorts and a white t-shirt, the website reported. She was described as 25-30 years old, 6 feet tall and about 140 pounds, the police report said. The other woman was also wearing a white t-shirt, was black and had shoulder length black hair, a police report said. The woman without a goatee was described as being 30-35 years old, 5′ 11″ tall and about 150 pounds. When a store worker asked to help the women they took off without paying, the website reported. Another store worker said one of the women pulled her shirt up to display a handgun tucked in her shorts.

To be honest, I’m not super compelled by this story because it doesn’t even seem that out of the ordinary. Women with goatees are probably one of the top five things I would associate with “South Carolina K-Mart.” All I picture when I read those 3.5 words is an army of Bill Plashcke look-alikes with smaller tits roaming up and down the aisles filling their carts with Just for Men and Jolt cola. Plus even though a fairly significant crime was committed, something tells me it won’t be that hard for the police to catch the 6 foot tall goateed black “woman” with dreadlocks decked out in USC gear walking around Lexington Country. But thankfully the crack reporting team at News 13 doesn’t feel the same way about this story that I do. They want justice, and they’re going to do anything they can to make sure none of their cherished Gamecock leather jackets fall into the wrong hands. And so in case anyone was trying to visualize what the perpetrator might look like, the team of little McAvoys at South Carolina’s local CBS affiliate threw together this exhaustive guide for identifying goatees:

Someone at WBTW should put some champagne on ice because the Regional Daytime Emmy is probably already in the mail. That’s A+ journalism right there.