NFL Sunday School: The Colts Deliver Top-Notch Ruin Porn - Jon Bois asks, “What is the most Goldeneye weapon of all time?” by comparing them to NFL players. At least I think that’s what’s going on. My best memories of Jon and Goldeneye are of us hooking it up, him viciously killing me for about half an hour, then me never wanting to play again. [SBN]

Ancient Chinese Secret Say Peter King Confuciused About Colts Sucktardery - Sometimes I wish I wrote for KSK so I could get away with words like “sucktardery”. I want to describe Andy Dalton has “transgenderiffic”. And my KSK name would be “Space Ghost, But A Horse”. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Geeky Lunch Bag Art from an Awesome Dad - If Awesome Dad was truly Awesome Dad, he wouldn’t have let his son be named “Dylan”. These are pretty good, though. The most interest my parents ever gave school lunch was giving me a dollar 25. [Gamma Squad]

Bruce Hornsby On Tupac: “The Original ‘Changes’ Was A Lot Dirtier” - I hope it included a line about how Tupac f**ked Bruce Hornsby’s wife. [Smoking Section]

Darth Vader’s “Noooo!” Edited into Other Classic Movies - This shouldn’t be funny, but it really is. The Raiders part had me cracking up. [UPROXX]

Megan Fox on Shia LaBeouf, Her Public Image and Starting Over With ‘Friends With Kids’ - Hopefully “starting over” means taking off her Sugar & Spice bank robbery mask and going back to being that super, super hot girl from “Two & A Half Men”. [Moviefone]

Amy Winehouse’s Dad: Going Sober Killed Her - Everyone Else to Amy Winehouse’s Dad: No, It Probably Had More To Do With Her Taking A Sh*tload Of Drugs And Being A Strung-Out Junkie For 20 Years, Guy. [UPROXX]

Miss Japan Is Awesome - She absolutely is. Her English isn’t great, but she’s still more coherent and likable than Miss South Carolina. Japan, we must protect against AIDS, such as. [Warming Glow]

Celebrity Encounter: Schwarzenegger Snubs Shatner over Burritos - Celebrity Encounter, or “let’s see who was in touch with reality most recently”. The answer is Shatner, between the cancellation of the original “Star Trek” and the first movie. [Film Drunk]

11 Hats Modeled by This Cat - Yes, this is an Internet thing. [Buzzfeed]