On a sleepy Adelaide afternoon, which suddenly acquired the properties of an X-rated horror movie, there were two batsmen out there, but only one of them, Ian Bell, was playing cricket. Whoever the other one was was haplessly blasted out by Mitchell Johnson as if he had only just been introduced to the game. Johnson, once a source of ridicule, has now been transformed into an awesome figure of terror for the majority of England's cricketers. He is too quick for them.

In that afternoon session Johnson took all six wickets to fall as England were bowled out for a paltry 172, a deficit of 398, whereupon Michael Clarke, adhering to the modern way (I still can't quite work out why), declined to enforce the follow-on. Johnson finished with seven for 40, his best figures against England, as he kept dislodging the stumps with deliveries propelled at 94mph. He was as brilliant with the ball as England were pitiful with the bat. By the close Australia, with David Warner still buzzing along on 83, had stretched the lead to 530. So England had almost two days to bat to save the game.

This left the touring team in tatters, requiring a miraculous performance to escape from Adelaide without experiencing another massive defeat. It was not as if there was any relief on the horizon since England have a dreadful record in Perth, where the next Test starts on Thursday and where Johnson is liable to be even more intimidating. In Adelaide Johnson polished off England on the most docile Test pitch in the country. It's quick in Perth.

The ease with which Johnson sliced through England's lower middle order called to mind Corporal Jones' oft-repeated observation – that "they don't like it up 'em" – in Dad's Army, a description that is starting to sit easily alongside the England team. In fact Cook's side are younger than their Australian counterparts but they have been together for a long time and there were moments on Saturday when one wondered how much stomach for the fight remains when the heat is on and the bowling fast. This group of players, which has a reputation for resilience, has never been in a hole as deep as this.

Johnson's humiliation of England was aided by the profligacy of the specialist batsmen in the morning session. England have become leg-side dizzy. In Brisbane 13 of their 20 dismissals were from leg-side catches. On Saturday morning all three batsmen were also caught on the leg side to innocuous deliveries.

All three produced gasps of exasperation in varying degrees. Joe Root had battled doggedly against the pacemen. He played Johnson well and even had time for one crisp cover drive against him. Then to the very first ball he received from Nathan Lyon, Root attempted the slog sweep. A top edge lobbed gently to Chris Rogers on the square-leg boundary.

There was some logic in taking the attack to Lyon (Bell would soon do so with great panache) but to attempt such a bold stroke to the very first ball he received from the spinner was an addled piece of thinking from Root. A little reconnaissance was required before an assault. This was as barmy a piece of batting as the single Root ran to the penultimate ball on Friday night. It seems that he is not quite so sensible as he sometimes sounds.

The exasperation quotient was even greater with Kevin Pietersen. The Australians like to bowl Peter Siddle at him. He had dismissed Pietersen seven times before; soon it would be eight. First Siddle went through his gate and, even though the ball passed harmlessly to the keeper, Pietersen was obviously perplexed. He felt the need to assert himself immediately. To the next ball he walked down the track and flicked an innocuous delivery on the leg side. Waiting there were two short midwickets; one of them, George Bailey, held the catch. Pietersen had succumbed to the leg trap for the third time in succession.

Michael Carberry's dismissal was a little lower on the scale. He had batted most impressively, nimble against the paceman and cutting Lyon productively to post his highest Test score. He was then becalmed by the introduction of Shane Watson (also bowling to two short midwickets). Carberry attempted to pull, neither up nor down, and Warner held a superb catch – on the leg side.

Thereafter it was the Johnson show, starting with three wickets in one over. Ben Stokes was lbw to the first ball he received from him. Once again Stokes had to endure trial by television. Umpire Marais Erasmus gave him not out, having spied an inside edge, which led him to signal four runs after overthrows. The Australians knew better. There had been no contact with the bat and it transpired that the ball would have made substantial contact with the stumps.

Matt Prior was humbled by the old one-two – or rather two-one. Two bouncers manifestly disturbed him, whereupon he nicked the next delivery, which was pitched up. It has, staggeringly, reached the point that if Prior does not score runs in the second innings he might be replaced by Jonny Bairstow. On Saturday Prior, with his mariner's beard, was all at sea.

Now there was a delay in one of cricket's longest overs – it would take 15 minutes. Stuart Broad spied a problem with the sightscreen; there was something glinting in the sun. After seven minutes that problem was solved whereupon Broad encountered another one: his leg stump was missing.

Soon afterwards Graeme Swann and Jimmy Anderson departed to consecutive deliveries and it was left to the exquisite Bell and the brave Monty Panesar to demonstrate that there were no demons in this pitch.

Amid the chaos Bell had batted beautifully for an unbeaten 72. Unusually he hit four sixes, three off Lyon and a remarkable one driven over extra cover against Harris. In between he countered the pacemen with a composure that was way beyond his colleagues. The debate over whether he should bat at three may resurface. Currently England would like him to bat him at one, two, three, four, five and six.