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Most Awesome State Quarter – Keanu Regional Round 1

Hey hey hey, fan(s?) of U.S. state quarters! Corbett here, ready to guest-judge the next bunch of jingly little contenders. NOTE: My decisions are final, and any questions or appeals will be met with immediate death by disembowelment for I AM CALIGULA OF THE BLOGS!

…Wow, I really do have trouble handling power. Give me a second, gotta breathe into this brown paper bag.

“Dude, Rifftrax totally named a quarter after me!…or something.”

And away we go…

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This one’s a cinch, because it falls under my first rule of state quarter judging: I will always vote for the state quarter with the large attacking animal on it. Alaska’s bear is already snacking on a 10-lb. salmon, but he wants to eat us, too. The only drawback is that he’s not trying to chomp on Sir Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin, which would make for a more realistic nature scene.

As for Maryland… it’s nice that you have a building. Somewhere. And “the Old Line State?” Could you at least be a three-dimensional geometric figure? It’s hard to be less committal than a “line,” except as it pertains to a unit of cocaine blowage, perhaps. But I don’t think that’s what your line refers to. I think it’s actually just a quick streak of # 2 pencil on looseleaf, isn’t it? That’s what you named your state after. Didn’t you?!

(Aw cripes, Maryland’s crying. Sorry.)

WINNER: Alaska. Seward’s revenge!!

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There’s an upsetting lack of large attacking mammals in both of these state quarters, so I’m tempted to penalize them both and just call this one a lose-lose. On closer inspection, though…

Arkansas is freaking me out, man. Is the giant floating diamond really there? IS it a giant diamond, or is it the crystalline mothership of a Razorbacks-loving alien race, hiding and hovering over Lake Sequoyah until today’s game against the Crimson Tide starts? Is it wrong that I keep singing to myself “Goosey in the Sky with Diamonds…”? Yes, of course it is, it’s a godawful *$%&#ing pun…But it feels so right…! Wheeeeeeee!

Erm…right. Hi, Mississippi. You have a lovely flower, there. And a lovely slogan, named after the (yawn) same lovely flower. But your whole brand isn’t challenging my sense of reality nearly enough, Mississippi. I don’t drink or do drugs anymore, so I need little mind-kicking pleasures like those offered by the Arkansas state quarter. Yes, Arkansas is freaking me out, man….but in a good way.

WINNER: Arkansas. For letting its freak flag fly.

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Pretty straightforward. We have “George Washington crossing the Delaware” for New Jersey vs. Iowa’s pathetic plea to be given some wood. Dear God, have they no decency? No trees, for that matter? Sack up, Iowa, get your own damned lumber, and design a quarter that’s does more than beg for building materials. I know you’re trying to tug at our heartstrings by showing the tiny building where most of you live, but –

O.K. My wife tells me that Iowa’s picture is actually a tribute to one of its native sons, artist Grant Wood, who painted “American Gothic” and other classics. I guess I owe Iowa an apology.

…But not a victory! N.J. edges ahead at the finish line because it depicts a truly historical event: the only time anyone risked their lives to get into New Jersey.

WINNER: New Jersey. For not depicting the birthplace of Bon Jovi.

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Both of these quarters could benefit from some of Alaska’s moxie, and include a charging beast of some sort… But I’ll try to let that go. (Sigh.)

These two coins force a humble, well-meaning judge to choose between different topographies more than anything else. And since I loved visiting the Grand Canyon — it was one of those rare things that surpass its hype — and I always pine for the ocean, across which my people in the Undying Lands (a.k.a. Brooklyn) wait for me… hell, I don’t know where to go with this. If only some smart denizen of Flagstaff, or some slick operator from Woonsocket, had found it in their hearts to bribe me yesterday…

WINNER: Um, Arizona. For reminding us that we revolve around the sun. Rhode Island’s wholesale denial that the sun exists is legendary, and shouldn’t be rewarded.

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Ah, that’s more like it! The gargantuan Peregrine Falcon is about to swallow Idaho, potatoes and all. It’s beautiful, it’s gritty, it’s honest and real, man… and it’s everything a state quarter should be. Even if the Peregrine Falcon had Sir Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin hanging out of its huge beak, half-eaten already, I don’t know if I could love it more. (Though that would be awesome.)

I have nothing but contempt for Michigan’s LIE of a quarter, acting as if the state could never be hunted down by a moon-sized raptor, seized up in its brobdingnagian talons, and rended to pieces within a matter of seconds. This state quarter says: “Giant falcons cannot harm us here in Michigan! I guarantee it.” That’s a damned careless attitude in this day and age, Wolverine State. It’s not bad enough that you’ve always pretended that the U.P. is safe and habitable for humans, now you want to go even further spreading your cloud-cuckoo LIES and assert invulnerability to colossal birds of prey. Shame on you, Michigan.

Not really fair to any of the states up against Idaho and Alaska. Especially poor Line State there.

I even did a little research to see if anything could’ve toughened up Maryland’s coin. Among many things, Maryland’s state symbols include milk, square dancing, and a fern-eating dinosaur with stars in its teeth.

Well. I gave it a shot. There, there, Maryland. Oh, don’t give me that face.

so Bill, Arkansas won (i believe i owe you from your previous blog) I can only say i think the diamond has to do with murphreesburo having the only diamond mine in the US and that duck is about Stuttgart where none other that “OH #@*%#! YOU SHOT ME IN THE FACE! Dick Cheney” comes to hunt duck. It is quite a surreal picture for our states quarter though. One go as far to ask “David, why, if Arkansas is the Natural State, would your quarter look like one of Salvador Dali’s nightmares?” all i can do is shake my head, shrug my shoulders and say “well at least they didnt put sasquach on it” maybe its because of all the moonshine…maybe its because of the lsd that leaked into the AR river during the cold war. I just couldnt say

It’s because we’re all crazy freaks. There’s rice in the quarter for us growing rice. I think we tried to throw in every single “natural” thing we could possibly be famous for. ..except the Boggy Creek Monster.

It was the result of a statewide design contest (I’m not sure if all state quarters are). This won out of about 10,000 submitted designs. Although, the mint changed it a bit (maybe they are the ones that are on LSD).

There’s another reason Rhode Island should lose: claiming to be “The Ocean State”??? When put up against Arizona’s “Grand Canyon State” it clearly reveals RI’s intense case of “small state syndrome.”
Smallest state in the union claims the largest natural landmark, and then purports to build a bridge over it. Or does the bridge just allow people in Connecticut and Massachussetts avoid setting foot in Rhode Island?
Either way, go away and stop annoying us.

Congratulations Mr. C on giving no quarter while judging the…oh dear, that pun was so bad it ended the sentence.

It’s a shame the Presidential dollars are mere portraits with nothing similar to state quarters’ ingenuity.

I would gladly give up the convenience of $1
bills in order to spend the four current coins
(Washington through Madison) if only they had
something such as:
“Washington defeated at Fort Necessity”
“Adams signing the Alien and Sedition Act”
“Jefferson bit in the rear by the Embargo Turtle”
[Hasn't everyone seen that political cartoon?]
and of course,
“Happy Madison and Dolly Parton running away from a burning Capitol”

In the meantime, I can always look forward to your judgment of the upcoming “gerrymandered voting district half dollar” designs…a festival of abstract art!

Bill Corbett continues to piss me off with almost every word he utters. What the hell does he have against Michigan. I’m sick and tired of constant Michigan bashing. We’re the freaking wolverine state after all. Give me a few dozen normal sized wolverines and I bet we could beat a moon-sized falcon. We’d at least muss him up a little. Wolverines just recently beat an overflowing bowl of rabid gators. And who really beat the 300 Spartans? Wolverines, that’s who!

Idaho? IDAHO! You have got to be kidding me. Do they even have a lake? We’ve got a whole bunch of great lakes. Not just good…GREAT! I’ve seen ‘em. GREAT I tell you!

Hey Bill,
I’d like to set the record straight on Michigan’s abysmal performance in the first round of the Quarter Cointest. Our lame entry was the Governor’s dickweed kid and not the best player. Admittedly, highlighting our state’s prowess in butting up against large bunches of water is impressive it clearly was not a winning strategy. Not to mention it isn’t quite sporting to take credit for glaciation or to claim a Great Lake that we haven’t sidled just so we can make a mnemonic device spell HOMES. There was a movement once to annex Lake Placid from New York rather than Lake Ontario but all the Curlytics in the state didn’t want our memory trigger to be SHEMP. We’ve had a large concentration of Curly fans in the thumb area ever since that famous radio contest in the ‘30’s when the town of Besser Junction, which straddles the beautiful Soitenly River, changed its name to Moelarrythecheeseville.
Now the quarter that could have swept its way to victory, the one the public wanted, celebrated the state’s greatest contribution to the nation and the environment, the internal combustion engine, as well as its favorite son, Dr. Jack Kevorkian (aka Jack the Reaper), who can always be counted on to bring dignity to the final round. No stupid bird or tree or rock climbing hippie could compete with Dr. J’s Slam Dunk of Death. Dr. Jack’s van, tricked out with shag carpeted dash, a sweet 8 track unichannel sound system and portable suicide machine (pat. pending) looks amazing when engraved. You’ll just have to imagine how beautiful that kick ass mural on the side of the van de muertos is that has Hemingway and Kurt Cobain playing rock/paper/scissors to see who gets to ride shotgun. Too dark? How about Michigan Militiamen spilling like so many clowns out of a pop-up camper?
Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Death.
By the way, we refer to ourselves as Michigilligans because we call the U.P. “Little Buddy”.
Dan Noutko-Kennedy
Brighton, Michigan

Sorry to see us, ahem, Michiganders (hey, Lincoln coined it, and the goose thing was intentional–though it was derogatory) go down, but what a lazy concept: “In case you’ve never looked at a map before, here’s us. Plus a lake nowhere near us.”

I’d prefer a Ford crashing into a bowl of Corn Flakes. Or maybe the “Wellville” tub scene with Bridget Fonda.