We're so sure you're planning to rise at 5 am on April 29th and do a real-time mock-up of the Royal Wedding, that we're going to lay out every bit of the schedule. You're welcome.

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Before things get going, of course, we'll need to know what to call Kate. Those of you awake and breathlessly clutching a souvenir mug of PG Tips will hear whether the bride's to be known as "HRH Princess Catherine of Wales", "HRH Princess William of Wales", "Duchess of Clarence, Cambridge, Connaught, Sussex," or plain old Catherine.

8:30 a.m. — Guests arrive at Westminster Abbey. We'd sort of thought they were all VIPs, but apparently it's all relative. No phones or cameras allowed, for somewhat obvious reasons and to the chagrin of TMZ.

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10 a.m. — Actual VIPs arrive. This may or may not include the Beckhams. It will fail to include the Obamas. The feud, you know.

10:40 a.m. — Royal family arrives, with Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip bringing up the rear. Presumably people rise, right?

11 a.m. — OMG the main event. Five bridesmaids. The bride in, yes, the dress. ("At that moment" the details will be revealed, apparently.) Then a bells-and-whistles C of E ceremony. People around the world take an en masse loo break during the sermon.

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12:15 p.m. — Wedding party heads to Buckingham Palace for the reception. The Queen will host. 650 guests. They'll eat that fruitcake, and presumably other stuff.

1:25 p.m. — The couple will appear on the balcony and wave for ten minutes.

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7 p.m. — "Prince Charles will host a more intimate affair for 300." Yes, there will be dancing.

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Presumably then there is not some creepy bedding ceremony or sheet display, which is fun. And you can now get on with your life.