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AIM NAMES
T.a.C- thedude8125
ShadowWarriorfs- ShadowWarriorfs
​

There's a single mother trapped in a place called reality
casually-a-casualty-of-vanity-candidly-granted she-actually
has to be-participating actively-she got mouth's to feed
or else ...it'll all end up turning out real drastically
...she has to house their needs...
she's been convinced with the fallacy's
..of other men so she depends..
on social progams to save her from her poverty
she got two lil boy's one twelve the others thirteen
She sends them to school every morning hidin' her hurt dreams
as she get's ready to do her thing to support them, their father's a cursed fiend
she rushes them to school tells them "mama ain't raise no fool"
they would bring back A'z every day they obeyed the rules
played it cool her son's names are "big" Jon and "lil" Don
papa'z in prison for murder... he ain't around... he's been gone
mom's all alone tryna take care of them on her own
so she post's internet ad's on every site you can imagine
tryna find that "dark tall and handsome man to bring him home..
she hit's craigslist .....&...... backpage,...................Still searching...for passion
reply after reply..coffee date..after cocktail date this ain't workin god damn it
she's so desperate to find a man ...to be her savior it isn't funny
then one day she gets a call from Mr. Markoff aka Phill the "cunning"
..never seen him coming this guy was really something..
he related to her like poetry and wine or deer and hunting
he empowered her within day's to where she was fearing nothing
...told her about her beauty and intelligence and elegance...
she woulda never sensed what would happen next it was an unexpected twist
one week later... 3 dates made her.. trust him enough to bring him back
she planned a dinner w/ him and the kids, this is when he planned his attack
he had no motive other then; he found amenity in others torture and misery
eventually he'd end as many lifes as he could.......... before he tempts police
..............to officially put an amber alert out for his audacity and extremity
murder was his melody it was life he viewed unpleasantly
in death there was serendipity awaiting his fortuity he hastened his actions steadily
he had everything in life a wife and a successful career
but that wasn't enough to drown out the whispers from the devil in his ear
and since there isn't a god that's gonna stop him he sits n stares
every thing he say's is insincere he doesn't have business here
at this table, on a hot liquid evening with this innocent family
exchanging small talk and misleading them manipulating them casually
before he executes his plan's he sits back and laugh's it seems
like this last dinner would perhaps redeem his thirst for such tragic dreams
but he's a masochist master fiend he deserved death w/out justice for his travesty's
after dinner he waited for the kids to brush their teeth then hop in bed
No one suspected the thought's in his head he would be caught with next
He would get the mom intoxicated before he offered death
he slipped her GHB so she couldn't resist or try to stop him then
lured each son out and tied them up and made them watch him stretch
there moms body acrossed the carpet he then stopped and pressed
something into momy's abdomen her shirt got sloppy wet
crimson puddles formed around her body he told them "yawl be next"
he made them watch as he violated her and annihilated her until he stopped her breath
the two boys sat hypnotized by the wickedness paralyzed mute paused but they wanna cry
the last words one of them said wit tears in his eyes sobbing was "mama, are we all gonna die?....."

This Verse has some great rhyming in it. Very well written verse, and it flows very nicely with the internal rhymes. Good mechanics and good word choices. It was a basic predictable story except for the last line matching the topic pic which was cool. Good tie-in. I'm sure this would be really nice over a beat.

I like this line: "then one day she gets a call from Mr. Markoff aka Phill the 'cunning'" Didn't seem like it was forced at all to rhyme....it went nice...made me crack a smile

I like when a writer can affect my emotions/mood. You did a nice job on this.

predictable but I liked it. Because you gave us a little bit of her world, her reasons and gestures then you give us a little bit of his. I liked that contrast, normally when this topic is done it is only from one prospective.

Rhymes were good, even though lines were long. I would limit drastically the sy. count like IV said. other than that, I think this was the best verse I've read from ya, I enjoyed it from beginning to end. It was well planned, and that shows.

this was one of your better pieces. some words seem added for the sake of it. the first multi couplet was too much. Hurt dreams? what is that? some of the rhyming multies felt forced. which to me is the opposite of what should happen. you want them to roll off the tongue with no effort. over all this wasn't bad. I liked the deer/hunting line. this was good man. much better than past writings. I"m seeing more structure from you which indicates youre growing as a writer. good jobBiotch! You wish you had a phone like mine...