Matthew to Jack: This Is Goodbye

You were right. I had not been myself. I could not be myself or warmer toward you for the position you put me in every day was to fix you or to make you feel loved where you could not love yourself. You once said to me to calm down and to have some faith you will not always be so irrational, but you systematically chained me to a wall of only one right answer which was that I love you and you are perfect and we have nothing to speak on more than that unless it is to erase together anything which has nothing to do with us being in love for no reasons. It was a wall where nothing I say is right unless it is praise of you with none of my hard thoughts or my own fears. You did not want to see the world through my eyes, you wanted to make my eyes into yours and take away my options of things to say but what you wanted to hear.

They say whoever you feel you cannot criticize is who controls you. I do not want to be controlled by anyone.

Most of what “we” needed to talk about was my past, how you were angry or confused about it. Though no matter what I had told you made anything clearer. If not my past (and never your own), your present and why I was not angry or confused about that. Why you had wanted our love to consist of these one sided trials, I no longer care to know. The only thing that had ever made you feel special was if I had been unhappy with your choice to not have me as your one and only, a choice you would never allow me to make and remain yours.

You had known that this was not the way our love was supposed to be. You knew that you can only test things for so long until you have nothing left to test. You had to test me and that is all we had time to do until there was nothing left. You wanted more to know how I might have betrayed you than anything I dreamt.

You had told me if it is you and me as brother and sister it is alright to be fucking. Incest is alright if it means we are the same person. Fucking yourself is incest, Maxie. We said we have the same skin and you had said you don’t think it is disgusting. I had thought you were a hypocrite until I knew it was for control over me. There is only water between us now and it is cold. It bleeds through the cracks in our skin which is now different skin and I have learned things which make me want to stop loving you. You would rather shame me than see me love someone else. That makes you an abuser of elephants and greedy for the shallow end of a pool. You may have it. I will take real life and real love instead of that.

Maybe I missed the conversations between you and Robert about how many girls he fucked and if he would take it all back for you though I doubt it since you would only do that to a boy you did not believe was real. I am not your soulmate, and I never was. My soulmate would never say I wasn’t real. You were never real. I waited for you hoping you would learn to see me. I waited years for you to see me and you would not. It took too long to realize you were never going to try again.

You have it on display that Robert is your soulmate. You had left me for him the first time that you had left me. Do not tell tales of always cherishing what we have and how nothing can take it away. I am taking it away now since you have not wanted to be with me for any other reason but to say you had me. You married two men and made me watch you fuck them regularly, and then you asked me to try and explain to you how I could put my dick into anyone but you if we are soulmates. I regret giving you my heart, but I am proud of taking it back from you. I am loved in ways you would never be able to do.

916 days is two years, six months, and three days is 130 weeks and six days is 21,984 hours is 1,319,040 minutes is 79,142,400 seconds. I hadn’t been counting down to the second, but Nicholas had and slapped me with it when I was having a bad night. Even Nicholas knew how long I had been ghosting you, waiting to hear your fingers on the keys or a song which makes you think of me, you say my name, for you to love me the way I love you. But you found me gone by seeing others posting about me on social media. I had once fantasized that if I died, you would die the same moment as we were linked inextricably. I left you and you had only found out months later on fucking Pinterest.

I am not going to throw in your face the years I had spent as your ghost before this time. You and I both know how long that was as well.

From the lab, I could not hear anyone walking around. Someone had written that I could only for dramatics sake, but you can’t from there as the ceiling is thick steel. I had thought I died for you until Adam began his sharp game with me, the rest of the family held a meeting lasting a whole day to discuss about me if I belong, and then the letters were delivered. I had gotten one letter a day or almost three months straight thru, long letters. Someone had wanted to speak to me so much that the moment they could, they sent me all their words. From your arms, I could not feel any love like that. You had said you loved me surpassing any love but it was only for control’s sake. You never did love me as you would have talked to me like that, if you had. That is the love I really died for.

You had said you were not able to live with anyone but me. Was that then just a grand hallucination? You said I should have the best. So you deny my existence when I leave hell to find heaven. All your fears and insecurities hurt me and stopped me from doing and saying the things I wanted to do and say, none of them hurtful but wretched in your eyes anyway. I did not know that is what brainwashing is. Did you sincerely want me to watch you live a real life and have no part of it until I fucking died or you did?

I stopped caring for any promises I made you as I saw you break the coffee cup of your own on the floors you could eat off and the pieces fall into a shape that defines how sick we are and what is soon to become of the ghost of the disappearing fucking girl. I fought for over a thousand days to stay by your side no matter how you showed me every one of those days that you did not care if I was there or not, and on the night of October 4th, 2015, I turned into a bright bird of conquest to end my life or end the war. Whichever happened I did not have a preference.

All of this I am sending you is for me to have the closure I want, nothing more or less. You have stepped on either side of the line of me being real or imaginary to you, whatever suits, and therefor I do not care or need to know what any of this makes you feel. In my mind, you would lie about it anyway. This is only for me to know I have said what I needed to say to you, and I have shown you what happened when I was with you, when you refused to see me, and where I have been since I left you and why I had done that. Now, this is goodbye. Do not try to contact me as you will not be heard by me the same as you still refuse to hear me.