Month: December 2016

When I was young, I prayed every day for two things: to be a boy and to have someone love me for who I am. Almost five years ago, I thought I settled for what I was stuck with: a female body and a man who could never accept me for who I was because I could never show him. It wasn’t until recently that I learned that my prayers came true.

While some days are still hard and disphoria eats me alive, I am proud to know that one day this man will be able to walk down the aisle with his spouse and say his vows in a suit. Now I know we discussed you getting to wear a white suit, but do you mind if I wear a black one?

These last few weeks have been hard, and I am still processing one of the biggest losses of my life. I honestly have no clue what happened or when it happened, but I had thought we were still just waiting for Yule. I thought I had given you enough space, but maybe I had given you too much. I feel hurt and betrayed because I thought the tender moments we had started having again meant something. The moments so much like the beginning where you would game while I lay on your bed, just watching you and relishing in the feeling that I was the luckiest man in the world to have you in some form in my life. I am hurt that you felt like you couldn’t be open and honest with me, like you had to blindside me with an eviction. Yes, for M’s sanity and yours, we had to find somewhere else to go, and we were looking, but you asked us to stay until April; so we stopped.

I want nothing more than things to go back to the way things were, but I don’t know if they can or even if you want me anymore… I want to cry out my heartbreak and scream out my frustration, but what good would that do now… After everything I’ve confided in you, after every difficulty decision I’ve had to make, I feel like you left me completely alone… Not only did you remove yourself from my life, but you also have caused my family to drift away from me.

You were offended, not so many months ago, that I would dare call you a traitor, on the word of someone I should never have trusted, but fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice…… This time you did betray me. You betrayed my trust in you and your word, and you will probably never forgive me for saying that, but it is how I feel. My feelings are valid, but if they are based on something false, let me know; so we can resolve this like adults.