ICYMI: These People Have More Power Than You

All eyes are on Russia right now, especially its controversial president Vladamir Putin. Besides his politics, Vlad tends to make headlines for… other reasons too.

Vladimir Putin or Gaston? A Propaganda Extravaganza!

Vladimir Putin is a masculine, heterosexual man. He would like you to know this. It is so important to him that you know this, that he has hired a crack team of media experts to beef up his image. After some internet research, I’ve figured out their approach: ticking off every trait listed in the song Gaston from Beauty and the Beast.

Some of Putin’s marketing stunts have included a music video called”He Must Be Like Putin,” skiing shirtless in mother-loving Russia, a Putin comic book, and wild-animal wrangling. Why, just last night, the members of Pussy Riot appeared on The Colbert Report and referred to Putin as a “shirtless man on a horse” leading Russia into the future. So, has he succeeded? On one hand, it’s hard to seem manly when you are a dead wringer for Dobby the House Elf, but on the other … he sure does share a lot of qualities with Gaston:

No one’s slick as Gaston, No one’s quick as Gaston

CHECK. What’s quicker than a military jet at supersonic speeds?

No one’s neck’s as incredibly thick as Gaston’s

Affirmative. As they say, if you can’t grow a thick neck yourself, have your likeness made into a thick-necked propaganda comic called Super Putin instead!

For there’s no man in town half as manly

Any men in YOUR town tranquilize a tiger? Other than maybe a zookeeper?

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And thousands of miles away in Toronto, Rob Ford is also in a position of power (for now), but really is his drug past reallllyy that bad??

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So Your Mayor Smoked Crack

This week, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admitted that he was guilty of smoking crack cocaine while in office – but refused to resign. He said:

“Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine. But no, do I — am I an addict? No. Have I tried it? Probably, in one of my drunken stupors, probably approximately about a year ago.” {x}

Apparently, he had been denying this accusation for the past six months, but enough was enough and he finally told the God’s honest truth. That, and he said journalists weren’t asking the ‘correct questions.’ Honestly, the correct question didn’t come up in six months? Ok Robby.

In fact, I applaud Mayor Ford for finally coming clean. First of all, it takes a lot of guts for a person in public office to admit to their constituents that they’ve doing something wrong that could potentially be used against them and their career. Second of all, if he really only did crack that one time, no harm, no foul, right? Third of all, it’s about damn time Canada and Canadian politicians got in to some trouble! These U.S. folks are getting all the attention, it’s about time our neighbors to the north had a little political shakeup.

Also, let’s face it, there are worst things that a Mayor could do. So buck up, Toronto. Grab some Timbits and head to the Eaton Centre for some stress relief shopping because life with a crack Mayor isn’t that bad.

People that are worse than Rob ‘Mayor of Crack’ Ford:

Idi Amin

Note that this photo is NOT of the real Idi Amin, but rather Forest Whitaker in the Last King of Scotland, and he won a Best Actor Oscar for playing Idi Amin. This is how I learn history.

Basically any tyrannical political leader who did more harm than help for their people is worse than Mayor McCrackerton. Obvi Hitler is an obvious choice, but he always trumps everyone for being the worst, so I thought I’d shake it up a little.

For those who need a quick history lesson, Idi Amin was the President of Uganda in the 1970s, and notorious for his obscene rule over the country, which included corruption, human rights abuse, ethnic persecution, etc. etc. During the eight years of his reign, an estimated range of 100,000 to 500,000 were killed.

Your mayor smoked crack.

Ben Wyatt, Mayor of Ice Town

Fictional character Ben Wyatt, played by Adam Scott in Parks in Recreation, was just 18 when he was elected the mayor of his small town in Partridge, Minnesota. However his immaturity and lack of experience led to him to make some poor decisions – including when he bankrupted the city after creating a winter sports complex called Ice Town. Ben was unofficially banned from his hometown.

Your mayor smoked crack.

Actually being the one to make crack a la Walter White

Rob-ster allegedly only smoked crack once. It may have been caught on video, but he did it once. At least he’s not using his skills as a Mayor to make crack and build an entire drug empire. Because what insane psychopath does that?

Your mayor smoked crack.

Amanda Bynes

Once Nickelodeon’s starlet, Amanda has gone absolutely bonkers, and she apparently isn’t even on drugs or alcohol. While she may be getting help, 2013 wasn’t a great year for Amanda, who thought getting cheek piercings was a good idea. CHEEK. PIERCINGS. PLURAL.

Your mayor smoked crack.

Anthony Weiner

Sexting. Sexting with ladies on Twitter. Sexting with ladies on Twitter under the name Carlos Danger.