Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Today was the strangest day. I had the feeling people were laughing at me where ever I went. I had two occasions going to rite aid where someone was laughing and looking at me and then another person was in a car and laughing while looking at me. It was weird.

Monday, September 25, 2006

I just realized, I'm being stupid. I posted a prefered blog about the night I got drunk and went into my ex's old hang out. ANyway, I don't know why I didn't make it available to everyone cos it's not like it's anything I should hide. So yea, all you guys can read it to see how ridiculous he is/was. I think of the situation and think of a quote from Grey's Anatomy "You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys and all the bars and all the obvious daddy issues, who cared, because I was done...I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore." Wow never before has a teevee show spoken such wise words that I can apply to my life. So yea, I repaired what he broke. I'm happy now thanks for caring. :) I reccomend anyone read it to see how he tries to spin me off as some cheating whore to cover up his own abandoment issues and lack of the fact he ever paid attention to me to know we broke up a week after I dumped him only cos his coworker said something to him and then I had to reiterate the whole break up process ... AGAIN. lol what a turdball.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

My Dearest Mr. T - Am I bombarding you? I just want to be in contact with you still and I feel like I may be intruding upon your time and space as if my attempts are not desired. I'm sorry if I'm being too persistent. I just really miss you. I'll try to give you more space. I'm sorry.

Dude... Exile... Kiss You All Over... I feel it. I live it. I am it. I am sooooo into this song right now. it is the ultimate romance song. I think of Jesse any time I hear it cos of the time we went shooting and he put on The Worst Mix outta curiosity and that song was the first song and his response was "YES!!!!" and he was singing along to it. Until that day everyone I knew either hated that song and thought it was lame or didn't know of it. That day when we sang along to it I felt it. I so felt it. And I know Jesse felt it too he can't lie. So yea, not only does this song make me think of Jesse, but it makes me think of what I wanna do to him so its like the ultimate song!!! I totally miss him and wanna kiss him all over till the night closes in!!!!! If we ever get married that HAS to be our song!!!!!

Friday, September 22, 2006

So I'm picking my nose and I can't help but think about my Booger and how much I miss him and want to talk to him at this very moment. I am so very frustrated cos the only way I can really talk to him would be via the stupid myspace instant messanger and that thing is such a retard!!! It takes forever then times out and it does it over and over again. I just wish I cou ld talk to Jesse right now dammit!!!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Tonight I was surprised by a knock at the door and who other could it be than Katrina and Danielle!!!! My long lost companions came to rescue me from the boredom of nightly drinking alone in my room. They wanted to go to dinner but we didn't know where and Katrina asked about the steakhouse on the corner The Sherman Room and I was like "Oh I thought that was a bar!" So we go in anyway and much to our surprise it IS a steakhouse...and a bar.

I already had dinner so I had a few drinks. Katrina and Danielle did not eat yet so they got dinner. For them to get some steaks and wine and my drinks it was only like $39. So the price is right for sure. Food looked good. Drinks were nice and strong. Service was decent. Atmosphere was nice and dark. Location was perfect.

So we all give the Sherman Room thumbs up. We decided to go there once a week to catch up with one another. So yes, next Thursday, we will be at the Sherman Room, talking away like a bunch of old ninnies. Oh yes, and the Sherman ROom is 80% geriatric, and the other 20% boyfriend material.

Ooh and we saw this old vet dude who totally got shell shock when Danielle was replicating gunfire with her hands and making pftt-pffttt-pffft-pfttt machine gun sounds with her mouth. Lol! He asked Danielle if "those th i ngs" fired "real bullets" refering to her hands!!!! ROFL!!!!!!! And ... and... as he walked out Katrina noticed he had a toilet seat cover sticking out of his pants. Oh man... classic. Sad cos he was a vet but classic cos dude... I need say no more.

1. I really like my black cowboy boots. I'm glad I bought them even though they were 86 somethin bucks after auction.

2. Sometimes I miss Little Truck.

3. I heard a shitty song on the radio that said some girl is tasty and they spelled it t-to the a- to the s-t-e-y. I could be wrong but I don't think there's an "e" in tasty. I could be wrong.

4. Gavin was nice to everyone all day today even though we bet him he couldn't be. I'm proud of him. Now if only he could be that way every day. He wore a tie to remind him to be nice.

5. Jesse is hot.

6. KFC chicken bowls are the shit. I don't care if people hate KFC cos they're not animal kind or whatever or cos they don't sell Kool Aide with their chicken or that the bowls look "gross", those things are damned good. The cheese on chicken is the best and damned if I've been sayin it for years, corn and gravy are the shit!

7. If I get married I want a campy and cheap wedding. Somehow guns will be involved. I always wanted guns at my wedding.

8. I need to get more long flowy skirts. They're just comfortable and I don't hafta worry about my legs being shaved or not cos you can't see them underneath lol.

9. Something hurts on my left side. I'm not sure what but it is throbbing. Maybe its just my ovaries saying "HEY! THis cycle ended lets start a new one. HAHAH FUCKER!!!"

10/ Wednesday is a good teevee night.

11. I've never wanted payday to come more than I do now. (Read: Jenny owes bill people money.)

12. I think slowly but surely my finances are getting better.

13. I wanna go fishing at the kern this weekend.

14. If I do go, that makes me 7 hours closer to Jesse.

15/ I keep thinking by the time I get my bills paid off I won't be able to find a place to live.

16. Do you ever have one of those days where you dont feel motivated to do anything? Thats been every day for me lately. I need some inspiration.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

This is a revision of my death wishes as some people may no longer be involved.

BurialI will be burried period. I would like to be burried out in the Calico Cemetary if you can make that one happen. Otherwise any other random desert cemetary will do. Honestly, any cemetary would be fine, just don't cremate me. I solmenly swear I will come back and haunt whoever decides to creamate me for a life of eternal misery.

I require a burial travel bag to take with me a change of clothes to wherever I should wind up going, up, down, wherever. Please pack in this bag a change of socks, underwear, pajamas, some jeans, a t-shirt, a sweater, a casual skirt and something nice to wear with the skirt, make up bag, shower kit, and dress me in something nice and presentable with a nice jacket. I would also like a change of shoes in case I don't need to be so formal. Jewlery should include my daily essentials of earrings, watch, and ring. Please put my rosary around my neck by wrapping it around and placing the cross through the spare hoop end so it appears to be a double row of beads w/ a crucifix.

Other burial items will include a 12 pack of DrPepper and a small coin purse with a few bucks in change. Maybe like a roll of quarters or something. Please put this purse in my hands and have it readily available.

I would like to have two intertwining rattle snakes on my headstone as they are a symbol of good luck and protection. Don't put any lame quotes on it unless it is really that good and sums me up well. Actually if you want to put a quote on my headstone you can use any of the following: "Be good and kind before you die so your preacher won't have to lie...", "I have to live with my decisions whether you like them or not", "We can't all be winners" , "Stay outta trouble" , " *snort* ". Any will suffice.

I would prefer the whole Catholic mass shebang. I would prefer a closed casket but if you really want it open so be it. Reference pictures for make up. Usually it consists of a foundation, eye shadow/eye liner/mascara, light blush, and usually just burts bees on the lips. Depending on what you dress me in, do my eye shadow in either grey/black, browns, or greens.

Wake/ReceptionDon't break the bank. If you wanna get together and have a few drinks or something and hang out that's fine. Just remember its MY death and I don't want it turning into something about you. Its about ME. Don't turn it into drama about how your life is over. I'm in a better place so just get over it. Be happy and just hang out and remember me. And everyone get shit face.

Posessions

All electronic goods may go to Lori. All vinyl records will go to Jesse. Any artwork, writings, personal works will go to Jesse because he's the only person who cared enough about them to show any interest in my personal works and thoughts. I swear to haunt whoever goes against my wills in doing so. I will leave my gun and any other weapons that may eventually be purchased to Jesse unless he wishes to have my Mauser burried with me. Clothing can be rummaged through by Lori who has first choice and then anyone else. Whatever isn't taken shall be donated. Same goes with any of my other posessions. All my fishing equipment shall go to my parents. I leave the Herp in possession of Lori or Jesse, whoever wants him, should the snake still be alive at the time. Any items in questioning shall be up to dispersal by my parents, however, Lori will always get first choice in anything that is in questioning.

Ok these are my revised Death Wishes. Thanks! A few things may change.

Monday, September 18, 2006

I would say things were over between me and Matt back in November 2005. That was when I realized the spark was gone and never coming back. But stupid me thought I'd give it time (shit I did that like 4 years prior to this) but things were over. I officially ended things when I realized I was having way too good of times with Jesse and that there was something in him I wanted to pursue and that it wasn't just one sided. So I made the vast life decision of cutting off a 5 year relationship and it ended just like that. There was that awkward 2 weeks where he tried to contact me and I ignored him till he finally got the point and also realized it was over.

Current annoyance: my mom had lunch with Matt today. Granted this is 3 months AFTER we broke up. I have shut Matt out of my life because I have no desire to be with him, be back together with him, or get my stuff back from him. I told him he could trash my posessions cos I wanted nothing to do with him. Instead he drops my "things" off at Lori's. Then he has lunch with my mom. I don't mind the dropping things off so much cos Lori wanted to give some of my old belongings to Craig's son. No problem there. It was brief and what not.

My problem lies with my mom. She goes on meddling with relationship issues. I have this theory she wants me to be back with Matt but the thing is it's NOT going to happen. I do not love Matt. I love Jesse. I want to be with Jesse. I want to spend the rest of my life with Jesse. I've felt something for Jesse since the day I met him. There was a spark between us that could not be ignited because I was with Matt. I did not feel that way when I met Matt. I felt pitty. I stayed with him because of pitty. If Dr. Laura ever heard of my relationship with Matt she would have told me what an idiot I was, but I learned on my own after 5 years when I got enough self esteem and nerve built up to realize that I do not need to be with someone because I feel bad for them because that only makes me unhappy.

I found happiness in my one eyed gun totin' friend, who even questioned why I was with someone who didn't make me happy. And I remember the day Jesse asked me and the passionate anger he had as he spoke to me as my friend, but as someone who cared about me enough to be concerned about MY happiness and well being. I remember when we were driving from gun shopping after work on June 5th (a Monday) after we had had lunch earlier in the day. He bought me a book on guns. I thought it was really sweet of him and I appreciated his thoughtfulness. But that day there was something more realized. That maybe this friend cared about me more than my so called boyfriend did. So it wasn't a matter of how to dump Matt, but a matter of when. That day I made up my mind I did not want to be with Matt anymore. And sure as shit, I broke up with him seven days later.

Thing is, its been three months. I haven't tried to contact Matt, he hasn't tried to contact me. I like it this way. I am beyond happy with Jesse and enjoy being treated like a person again rather than an object. I spent the last 5 years as an object and its nice to be a person again. I know I just stated that twice two different ways but it's an important thing to me. Anyway, I guess my happiness isn't important to my mother. What's important to her is that I am with someone who can support me financially, like someone who has just come into an inheritance. I don't care if Jesse is broke right now and in school. I was broke and in school once. I don't care if we have to pay with pennies to buy gas or food because I love him.

With Jesse I have my quarky friend who I always got along with and I have my lover who treats me with compassion and there is just this sense of honor and respect for one another and we've always have had this click. Even as just friends we somehow were always drawn to each other because of common interests. I remember when we first met years ago the topic of guns came up and from that point I knew we would be good friends. And we were. And still are.

The best part of Jesse is that I have no secrets with him. He knows everything that's happened in my life, and being his friend before we were together, is the same thing. So it's not like with Matt where it's like surprise, I'm a perverted deviant who will treat you like shit. There are no secrets. Everything is at face value and I like it that way. We share a comfort with one another that I havent had with anyone else. He's my peer, my companion, and my love all in one. I can't even express my love for Jesse. He knows it. I guess as my friend and lover he knows me enough to know how I feel without me having to say. But it is truly nice to have someone of his sort as my man. I love my Jesse. And I am annoyed that my mother would want to try and destroy what I have, that being my happiness, to see me with Matt again. Much to her dismay, it won't be happening. On my end, I do not want that. And on his end, he doesn't think it would ever work out.

So to that, I wish she would quit meddling with Matt and just give Jesse a chance because he is not a bad guy. He makes me very happy and I highly enjoy his companionship. The end. I love my Jesse!!!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

So this weekend I was devirginized from Las Vegas because of a wedding. In the past I've said I'd go and never do but this time because of said events I forced myself to go for Sophia and Mike. Friday night we get in around 9:30. Jesse calls saying his flight was delayed and he won't be in till like 11:30. So Lori and I get all dressed up and head on down to the casinos. I get a call a little later on from Jesse saying he's there and we find him and it was one of those moments where we embraced each other after a month apart. Very dear. We then procede to the room where Jesse puts his stuff away and we return to the casinos. It was pretty dull so we headed back up to the room. Lori called later from her room wanting to eat and so around 2 am we headed down to a restaurant. I had some of the best bloody mary's there that ive had anywhere so that was cool. then we went back up to our rooms around 3 and crashed out.

Saturday both lori and myself were rudely awaken by a call from our mom wondering what we were up to at 7 and 8 am. After that i was restless and couldn't fall back asleep so I decided to go back down to the casino. I thought i'd give lori a call to see if she wanted to go too since she seemed to be enjoying the stupid slot machines so much. So I head off to her room and wait about an hour while she gets ready and finally we head down to the casinos. Lori wanted to see some of the other casinos but i said first we eat so we treked down to the local IHOP next to our hotel and ordered breakfast. I called Jesse to see if he wanted to join us and sure as shit he did so I ordered some food for him and he showed up just as the food got there.

After IHOP we got on the Deuce (no not a giant turd but a two story bus) and headed down the strip. First stop: Paris. First and last stop anyway. we were so confined by time we only had enough time to gamble there for a little bit and sneak in a drink. after that we headed back on the deuce to the hotel to get ready for the wedding. now the night before i got my nails done in the valley and they chipped so bad cos the nail polis was so cheap that i had to get them redone. i went to this expensive ass spa something josef with an f and got them redone just in time. of course i still managed to fuck up my nails while getting ready damn me. Jesse and i spent like 5 minutes trying to get my bracelet to close , that was a task! then lori came over and i had to do her hair. after all that ruckus it was time for us to leave to the wedding. we got stuck in bad traffic but i suggested we do valet parking which was a good call on my behalf. we then got lost inside the rio but were able to find the chapel and we were only like 15 minutes late. fortunately the ceremony seemed to be running late as well.

the wedding was very nice. short, sweet, and to the point. not like those long ass wedding where its like a whole mass and ceremony. everyone looked stunning in the wedding party and elizabeth did a superb job hemming up everyone's dresses. sophia's dress was very elegant and mike and the guys all looked super fab in their tuxes. it was a very nice wedding.

following was the reception. jesse, lori and i stopped off at the bar with phil, joey, and jason for drinks while waiting for everyone else to get out of the photo session. after hanging around there for a while we booked it up to the restaurant and waited there some more. we took some pictures got more drinks and all kinds of good stuff. then once everyone was there we had dinner. it was great cos we were telling all sorts of off-color jokes on our end of the table in between discussing weddings. it was an odd combo but fun none the less.when dinner was all situated sophia threw the boquet and yours truely caught it. looks like that means i gotta get married soon, huh? anyway the best part was when mike threw the garter and George jumped up to try and get it and katrina kicked him in the butt and was like "EEW GEORGE THAT'S YOUR SISTER!!!!!" ahahhahaahh. after the wedding half the party went to sophia and mike's room the other half just left to go walk the strip and do whatever. we went back to our hotel and crashed out.

we were supposed to shoot machine guns the next morning but that didnt happen. i was disappointed in that but jesse promised if we go back to vegas again we would do it for sure. so yea, we better go back to vegas jesse! we spent the remainder of the morning at a buffet where lori porked out on crab legs and me and jesse had like a piece of beef, champagne, mimosas, and desert. i guess we weren't as hungry or something. who knows. lori all had like two plates of food and cake hahahah. she was like "im gonna get my grub on" and these black girls kept looking at us. i think they thought lori was mocking them or something. heheh.

after brunch it was time for jesse to leave. we walked him out to the front and he hopped in a cab and just like that was gone again. i was very sad to see him leave me again but i know i will see him once more in november. lori and i stayed around a little longer to gamble and hit the gift shops for things for craig and rene. then around 3:30 we finally left and got home by 9 cos of butt ass traffic on the 15.

so i need to go to vegas again when i have more time to see things and do things. i had a good time i just wish i had more time. so yea it was fun. there were a few things that happened there that will stay there though lol.