see through me

11 December, 2017

My new year's resolution for 2017 was to constantly update my blog, a monthly post recapping what happens each month. Like a lot of vloggers do where they combined footages from a specific month and call it something like July vlog or anything along that line. I decided to stick to blogging because of my incapability to vlog and how there are much much less audience in the blogging world now, so it feels more private which I just so happen to like.

So.. what happened to my resolution? I was reading back my posts from earlier this year and it seemed like I fell down a pit. I am suddenly reminded of how deep the pit was- I was depressed and unfortunately, suicidal. So, that's why I stopped writing. I was not feeling good and needed some self loving aka therapy.

Alhamdulillah, I am no longer in that pit. Reading my old posts, and seeing how pessimistic, negative and hopeless I was, if given the chance to turn back time, I would tell myself that everything will turn out great. I would not change anything to be where I am today.

2017, MAY ONWARDS, RECAP

It was on a Thursday, I was in a class when I received a call from an unknown number. A few months before that I applied for internship at a few places, and was interviewed by two companies. Weeks before that, I went through a phone interview with a few companies. I was damn thrilled to receive that call from that unknown number. I ran out of class, and was super glad I answered it. I was offered an internship in the HR department at one of The Big Four companies. I WAS SHOOKETH. It went on for two incredible months. I worked with amazing, hardworking, ambitious, humble people, made friends with inspiring people, and gained a lot of knowledge and insight to the corporate world while I was there.

And then my final year started end of September. After the internship, I knew that I have to work really hard to work in the kind of place I interned at. If you knew me (from 2014), you would know I don't put so much effort or sincerity into my work. It was all about getting it done. Like I would do it, but just not my very best. But I feel so far, this year, I have put waaay more interest in my work, and I feel happy and receive satisfaction because I put in effort and sincerity into my work. I ACTUALLY ENJOY STUDYING (more than before, I still have my lazy days lel).

I joined a volunteer group to raise awareness for childhood cancer. It took a lot of my time away from my studies but it filled my heart with love and happiness. I was given a chance to emcee the event, and I am grateful that I get to showcase my talent in bringing the crowd together and my peers were happy they chose me HE HE.

I was given the opportunity to see and hear Yasmin Mogahed live. My love knows how much I adore Yasmin, and he bought me and my friends ticket to see her! This was definitely the highlight of my year. I honestly feel like she is one of Allah's greatest gift to me. If you feel down and lost, I think Yasmin has the right words for you. She is inspiring and has a heart full of love.

and my heart has been filled with more and more love and I hope it will continue to be that way. I am graduating soon and I suddenly feel like time is flying too fast. I am finally enjoying my University life :( My only wish for now is to graduate with good grades. I've been working hard to compensate for my grades from previous years. My only request from you is to pray I get like super WOW ILLY YOU DID AWESOME GOOD JOB CAN'T BELIEVE YOU REALLY DID IT kind of grades.

***********

for my bugs out there feeling down and hopeless, just keep swimming (Dory, 2003). No matter how hard things might seem right now, how dark your surroundings are, after the night comes the day. With darkness comes light. But do not just wait for the light to come. Do something while waiting, just to kill the time.

One of my weapon in conquering my depression was to count my blessings. I list at least 10 things in the morning. It could be a journal where you write it down, or just use your phone and type it out on your phone app. It doesn't have to be big. Just look around you, see what you have.

1. I woke up on a bed
2. a bed that has a pillow and bed sheets
3. i'm in a room that my father could afford to pay for
4. I have more than enough clothes to wear
5. I have nice shoes to wear
6. i have a pretty telekung to pray in
7. i am given the opportunity to receive education at a good uni
8. i met friends from this uni that is out of this world
9. I have more than enough food to eat on my shelf
10. i have a bathroom that i don't have to share with anyone

most of the things above are materialistic. You can also list down things like "I have a mom", "I have 6 cats to accompany me", "I have a loving and supportive lover", "I know how to read the quran", "I can see, talk, hear, smell, taste, walk, swim", and the list goes on... When we focus on the things we have, and are grateful for it, we will stop asking for the things we don't have. I'm not saying we should settle for what we already have, but to learn how to use what we already have to achieve more.

I felt depressed because I keep on giving excuses on why I cannot achieve something. "I don't have this." "I'm not like that." "I cannot do it because I don't have/ I can't/ I'm limited." "My parents never gave me the chance to learn how to do it." "I was raised wrong." I kept on focusing on my limitations, saying that I can only do something if I have that tool for me to achieve that something. I kept on creating excuses for myself when actually I am more than blessed, I have more than enough tools to achieve anything I wanted in life.

I realised this when I quitted instagram. I know that I can't stop comparing my life to others when I'm on instagram. All I see is how happy they are, how they have everything, how fortunate they are. It makes me forget that these people are also human. They too have their own struggles but my unconscious mind refuse to believe that. My mind only wants to see how fortunate the people in my instagram feed and how incompetence I am. So I quit instagram, but once in awhile I will go on web instagram just to keep tab on loved ones. Identifying my weakness doesn't mean I'm weak. I just needed to know what to do with it, trick myself into achieving my own happiness. All I needed to do was open my eyes (or in this case close my eyes to instagram) to see it and be grateful and patient.

Patient is also an important key in life. Nothing happens in a blink of an eye. We can't take a step and expect ourselves to already reach our destination. We have to take more than a few steps to get where we want to get. And sometimes, if we're lucky, we will be offered a car ride to reach our destination faster. BUT we can't expect to be offered the car ride all the time. We have to rely on our feet to get us to our destination.

28 March, 2017

Maybe the realisation that hit me when I turned 21 isn't as simple as I thought it would be. In my head "Yes, 21! month of lessons!". Maybe it's more like 21, year of lessons. I've been haunted by nothing but ugly thoughts and the only time my mind will rest is when I look at beautiful things and be thankful how I am blessed with beautiful people in my life. Which later I will beat myself for it; do I deserve this?

I have been nothing but hard on myself. I tell myself to love myself more and love the people around me more and learn to understand people more and when I can't do that I will beat myself for it and I don't know how to stop it. and I'll get stress about not being able to stop these ugly thoughts and I... I want to rest. It's been eating me. I don't want this. I don't want to feel so horrible all the time. I don't understand why do I feel this way.

but I must keep on going for me and for those whom I truly love

*********

but this month I also learnt to forgive myself for having these feelings. and then I forgave myself for not being good enough and I learnt to accept that whatever I am, this is me. Yes, I can be better but that doesn't mean I should not appreciate the present me. Yes, I am not good at a lot of things but I shouldn't let this blind the fact that I am good at doing other things. Yes, I do not understand everything but that is not my fault. Yes, I am not very good a being a good friend, but that doesn't mean I should stop being a friend that I am capable of being. Sometimes, things just don't turn out how you want them to be and that's okay. I think it's important to accept but don't settle. Keep on going. Cry it out and just let it go.

I also learnt to breathe more. When I realise my ugly thoughts are haunting me, I'll pause on life and breathe. I try to express gratitude and show more love to my surroundings. God is great, really, for giving us the feeling of altruism. Whatever that feeling is, it's great. I also learn that I am good enough for all the good thing that is happening to me and I deserve more. I am blessed with wonderful family, supportive friends, and an amazing lover. When I feel down about myself, I think about how good of a person these people are.. and I am apart of their lives. That means I am good too, right?

It's easier said than done. It's hard to believe that things will be okay when you can't see it. But you have to believe it to see it. I opened my heart more and stopped being so selfish about my dark feelings. I tried accepting all the good that I am. Boy, this part is not easy. but nobody can be a better you than you. Think of the times that good things have happened to you. I won't write down what they are because they are mine. but all i am saying is

14 March, 2017

I feel like a floating specimen; wandering and wondering. I feel pretty clueless. I don't know what the future holds. What will be of me in the next year. A year ago, I was a wreck who couldn't even breathe when I wake up in the morning. A wreck who sneaked out at night to inhale a different kind of air. A wreck who wanted to make a difference but couldn't see what the future hold. What will be of me in another year but here I am today, still living the life, and know a little better of what I want.

A future that involves you. I hope that your future involves me too. and you take this floating specimen with you.

28 February, 2017

I'll be honest, every year, my birthday month has always been weird. I think it's definitely a month of lessons. Maybe a good hard trial to make sure I am prepared to enter another stage of life. This year, it's being 21. One thing for sure, it made me realise that I've spent far too long in the comfort zone. This thought spark after my boyfriend told me about endurance after he made sure I kept on running, even though I badly wanted to stop. But after running that distance, I actually felt really good. Good because I know I can run that far, good because I know I can do more, and good because someone believes in me.

This month has been weird because of trials I didn't expect to face. I almost burn down the kitchen, which might have burn down the house. The air-conditioner in my (borrowed) car decided to bail on me after arguing with another reckless driver. I went to career fair only to discover I have lost all the confidence I had before. Yesterday, I got a call, a phone interview but answered all their questions badly. All these made me feel horrible about myself, I cried many nights beating myself about it. I got my last semester's result, and they're not good enough for internship.

But this month has also been good. I realised that I have support and love from people around me; my family, my lover, and friends. The little and big trials made me realise how I might have been ignorant and under-appreciating the people in my life. I might have been thinking about myself way too much. "a pinch of salt" she would always say. I stopped by a masjid in bangsar the other day to perform maghrib and the ustadh was talking about friendship, it was as if God knew I need to here that. It made me miss a few of my friends. I hope you're doing alright.

This month my birthday celebration was definitely different than previous years. My friends surprised me with pizza and satay at one of the pondok in our uni. Malie slept over my place that night which made me feel loved. My boyfriend took me to poetry reading event which was wonderful, really. and we had sushi for dinner and I can't wait to someday go there together again and "make" our own sushi instead. 5 stars for a wonderful date. And that weekend I made spaghetti meatball for my family. Just as a thank you for providing me home for the last 21 years.

Thank you everyone, for the love and care, for the lessons and the reminders. I hope that no matter the circumstances, you will still go on with your life. I want that much for you as much as I want it for myself. To whoever that is reading this, take care of yourself and the people around you. Smile a little more, not just for your loved ones, but also for yourself. You need it more. Miracles happen in a mysterious way every day. You just have to open your eyes to realise it. Thank you for the wonderful month.