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Ranking The 20 Best 'One Tree Hill' Characters

Tree Hill was home to many interesting, awesome, and insane characters. We can’t rank everyone (because who wants to remember people like Felix or Anna) and we all know the crazy chicks like Nanny Carrie and Katie belong in jail, not on this list. Here’s to the main/big supporting characters that made One Tree Hill a show we never wanted to stop watching.
20. Victoria Davis
The CW/isobelstevenz.tumblr.com
So about 90% of the time Bitchtoria sucked, but she did redeem herself in those later seasons by being there for Brooke. She may have been a bitch, but she was our favorite bitch.
19. Deb Scott
The CW/allyouneedis1treehill.tumblr.com
Deb was kind of a hot mess, but then again who wouldn't be after being married to Dan Scott? Her drug and alcohol problems taken care of, she still wasn't the best mom (who dates their kids friends?!) but she did save Jamie and Haley, and thank God for that.
18. Quentin Fields
The CW/life-in-tv-shows.tumblr.com
Q started out as an asshole (sound familiar?) but turned into a big softie, who helped Nathan with his basketball comeback and was an adorable older best friend to Jamie. We all sobbed pretty hard when we lost him.
17. Jake Jagielski
The CW/tellerknowles.tumblr.com
Poor Jake. He could have treated Peyton well, but we all know that Leyton was the OTP. He really was a great guy, plus he was super hot and a really sweet single father. We still feel for him.
16. Clay Evans
The CW/movie-tv-gifs.tumblr.com
Clay was OTH attempt at replacing Lucas. It didn't really work, but he was an okay guy. He helped Nathan, which is why he makes this list. He also had an insane amount of drama that kept things interesting, I.E. a stalker who looks like his dead wife shooting him and Quinn. Oh. and the time he forgot he had a kid.
15. Quinn James
The CW/teddywestside.tumblr.com
And then there was Quinn, sent to replace Peyton. She didn't. She was another one of Haley's siblings (how many did she have?!) but not the slutty one, Taylor we're looking at you. Quinn was goofy and while she didn't make up for Peyton leaving, she was actually a very sweet character and made us laugh.
14. Antwon "Skills" Taylor
The CW/team-brucas.tumblr.com
Skills was Naley's biggest fan (after us). While he didn't always make good choices for himself (See: His relationship with Deb) he was always a good friend, there to lend advice when one of the Scott boys was being stupid or when one of the many women of Tree Hill needed help. Remember when he was the Baby Proofer?
13. Millicent Huxtable
The CW/xpeoplealwaysleavex.tumblr.com
Millie as Brooke's assistant/employee = an incredible person who was always there for Brooke. Millie the model = awful and we should all forget her cocaine phase. Thank god Mouth and her got back together and she became normal again.
12. Whitey Durham
The CW/isobelstevenz.tumblr.com
Do coaches like Whitey exist in real life? He really cared about Lucas and Nathan, hated Dan like we all did, and taught everyone some valuable life lessons, while being hilarious and as adorable as a tough basketball coach can be.
11. Marvin "Mouth" McFadden
The CW/nathanrscott.tumblr.com
Mouth might not have been the best dancer, but he was a great friend to Lucas Scott and the other guys of the River Court. But it's his friendship with Brooke over the years that made us truly love him.
10. Jamie Scott
The CW/gifingOTH.tumblr.com
Jamie circa season 5 is the cutest thing ever. He got to be buddies with everyone: his dad, his uncle Luke, his uncle Skills, his godmomma Brooke, Q...basically you were only cool on this show if Jamie liked you. Which is probably why we started to really like Dan Scott, since Jamie loved him so much.
9. Dan Scott
The CW/gifsoverbros.tumblr.com
Dan was the greatest antagonist this show ever saw, and there were a ton of crazy people (Psycho Derek and Xavier, to name a few). You loved to hate him. He was a terrible father, a murderer, a corrupt politician/businessman, and all around kind of insane. But at the end of the day, he was Dan Scott and no one was better than Dan Scott...
8. Keith Scott
The CW/stuckinwund-rland.tumblr.com
...except for Keith Scott, his big brother. AKA Lucas' surrogate father. Since, you know, Dan ditched Karen after he got her pregnant, went and got Deb pregnant and then married her. Keith kept it classy, which had to be hard with Dan as your brother, and took care of Lucas and Karen. We're STILL not over his death. When he came back in season 9, we wept.
7. Karen Roe
The CW/tumblr.com
Karen was by far the most responsible parent to the teenagers of Tree Hill. She showed Dan Scott she didn't need a man for her life to turn out great and she definitely got the easier Scott boy because of it. Karen always gave advice that we could actually use in our own lives.
6. Julian Baker
The CW/giftreehill.tumblr.com
Any guy that can take care of Brooke Davis and love her unconditionally deserves to be in the Top 10. Julian might have come into OTH with not-so-wonderful intentions, but he proved that he was the perfect man for Brooke and we've been in love with him ever since.
5. Peyton Sawyer
The CW/otreehilldaily.tumblr.com
Peyton was probably the angstiest cheerleader to ever exist and that's what we loved about her. She was broody (for good reasons) and dark at times, but way deep down, she never gave up on love. She got her man in the end (becoming Peyton Scott!).
4. Haley James Scott
The CW/nathanrscott.tumblr.com
Haley has always been one of the best characters (season 2 Haley aside) to ever grace our screens. She made Nathan the man he is today. She was a great momma. She always stuck up for her friends and didn't care what people thought of her, I mean she wore that poncho all the time in high school.
3. Nathan Scott
The CW/happilywilted.tumblr.com
Nathan proved that jock-assholes can become loving husbands and amazing fathers. Also, Nathan kind of became the dorky guy who thinks Shrek is a good movie to have a favorite quote from.
2. Lucas Scott
The CW/fyeahoth.tumblr.com
Now, we're still very mad at Lucas for leaving, and he almost came after Nathan, but let's be honest. Without Lucas Scott, there would be no One Tree Hill. Even after he left, he still was mentioned in almost every episode. Talk about never getting over a guy.
1. Brooke Davis
The CW/brookdavisdaily.tumblr.com
Broke is the ultimate OTH character. She changed from party-girl cheerleader to power-house Brooke, running (then losing, then gaining back, then losing again) her own company flawlessly while handling jerk boyfriends, crazy parents, and falling in love with an amazing man. Brooke is the girl we always wanted to become. Thanks for the memories B. Davis!
Honorable mentions:
Logan, because he stole the show in season 9 with his cuteness.
The CW/tumblr.com
Sam Walker, because that poor girl was all kind of messed up and Brooke still took he under her wing and made us care about her. But then, she went and left. Can we quote Peyton and say People Always Leave.
The CW/peytonsawyir.tumblr.com
Chris Keller because even though he attempted to break up Naley, he kept us entertained. Who didn't love it when he came back in season 4 and called Haley "plump", only to have her say she's pregnant and he's an asshole. Classic Chris Keller.
The CW/nathanrscott.tumblr.com
OTH forever.
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Thrash metal group Anthrax will feature on a forthcoming Game Of Thrones mixtape to accompany the fifth season of the show. The band's frontman Scott Ian credited their inclusion on the Catch The Throne album to one of the show's creators, Daniel Bob Weiss, who he has dubbed a "huge metalhead".
Bosses at U.S. network HBO commissioned a mixtape last year (14) which will feature bands sampling music from the hit programme and creating songs around the clips.
An earlier mixtape featured contributions from Common, Wale and Daddy Yankee, and now Anthrax have been added to the list of artists for the upcoming second release.
The band is due to visit the set of the show in Belfast, Northern Ireland to record some drums for the record, and Scott tells Metal Hammer magazine, "All of you out there who watch Game Of Thrones, much like me, probably think it's a very metal TV show. And just know: the reason for that is that one of the creators (Daniel Bob Weiss) is a huge metalhead.
"I asked Dan, 'Hey man, what would be the possibility of us recording the drums for the next album in the throne room?' Like we bring a mobile studio and set up the drums, mic everything and record in here. He says, 'Oh my God, that would be the sickest thing ever. We know the guys that can make that possible.'"

Maybe it's because we've been struggling to find one man to love us, let alone two, or maybe it's because it reduces pretty awesome female characters to a girl who can't decide which boy she loves, but we've grown a pretty tired of the love triangle trope saturating so many TV shows and movies. It seems like vampires are only ever happy if they're competing for a girl (and, of course, they simply must be vampires). Are there really no other ways to complicate a love story?
1. Sookie/Eric/Bill (True Blood)
HBO
Sookie, waitress (who spends shockingly little time actually waiting tables) and faerie, loves vampire Bill Compton. She is "his," which is some pseudo-romantic vampire way of possessing a woman like an object, and along comes douchey bad-haired vampire Eric. She hates Eric at first, but then he cuts his hair and gets amnesia, forgetting he's actually a jerk, and they fall in love. And then the two vampires compete over her for, like, ever. After this whole love triangle (a square, if you consider her relationship with werewolf Alcide) ordeal fades, she ends the series with a rando who we don't meet. Umm, cool? At least we had some steamy moments of threesome fantasies.
2. Olivia/Jake/Fitz (Scandal)
ABC
Is anyone into Olivia and Fitz anymore? We're not really sure there would be a show without this love triangle though, because Pope &amp; Prez need to be lovers torn apart, and, what with the First Lady generally approving of their relationship (and engaging in extramarital affairs of her own), something needs to keep them apart. Enter Jake, secret agent man. We like Olivia Pope best when she's wearing Burberry trenches and "handling" situations like nobody else can. We tolerate her love life (although we do cherish the non-booty calls and her standing up for herself).
3. Jack/Kate/Sawyer (Lost)
ABC
We're not sure if we'll ever fully understand what happened on Lost, but we do know that the episodes weren't nearly as entertaining when they focused on this love triangle. Wasn't there enough going on here without this overplayed scenario?
4. Bella/Jacob/Edward (The Twilight Saga)
Summit Entertainment
As much as we tried to bury our head in the sand and avoid this book/film series, the cursed Team Edward/Team Jacob drama found a way to perpetually enter our lives. Its ubiquity alone is enough to grow tired of. As far as we're concerned, if we didn't like the vampire-werewolf-human triangle on True Blood (okay, Sookie isn't human, but you get it), we're certainly not going to enjoy one where the vampire sparkles.
5. Rory/Dean/Jess (Gilmore Girls)
The WB
This is the love triangle we understand the most of all of these. No, not just because both Dean and Jess are irresistible and pretty unconditional in their affection for the perfect Rory Gilmore, but because Dean was sort of the first boy she had ever noticed. She started dating him, things were going smoothly, and then Jess came along. Understandably, when a bad boy who loves reading comes along, swooning is inevitable. Dean was a good first boyfriend, a bit too needy for our taste, and Jess made a huge mistake by, you know, leaving town while still dating Rory and not even saying anything, but we understood where she was coming from, at least. That still didn't make it enjoyable to watch Dean peacock and proclaim Stars Hollow as "his town."
6. Jack/Elizabeth/Will (Pirates of the Caribbean)
Walt Disney Pictures
Come on, Elizabeth! You can't just throw away your relationship every time Johnny Depp looks damn cute in a costume. You will never have a healthy love life that way.
7. Meredith/Derek/Addison (Grey's Anatomy)
ABC
It's always a grey area when a TV show makes you ship a relationship between a married man and his mistress, and that's exactly what happened here. We liked Derek and Meredith with the complications they already faced - a one night stand that turned into the pair working at the same hospital (and the accusations that she was sleeping her way to the top). When Addison came back into the picture, it just annoyingly kept apart two characters we knew should be together.
8. Serena/Nate/Dan (Gossip Girl)
The CW
The relationships on Gossip Girl mostly played like a square dance's exchange of partners, and we never liked Nate and Serena together (even though, goodness gracious, they were a gorgeous-looking couple) because he was her BFF's boyfriend. What happened to girl code, S? (To be fair, Blair then went for Lonely Boy despite his former relationship with Serena). Eventually, this show's only relationship we rooted for was strangely Chuck and Blair.
9. Katniss/Peeta/Gale (The Hunger Games)
Lionsgate via Everett Collection
This one never seemed like much of a love triangle to us. As we read the book, and even in the first movie, we sort of felt like, "Gale who?" It was always Peeta. Katniss and Gale's relationship was strictly platonic, despite Hemsworth's hunkiness. His attractiveness is all he has going for him, and it's squandered by his jealousy. Peeta, on the other hand, is cute, caring, maybe a little needy, but we dig it. The real attraction to the movies/books lies in the revolution though (which is greatly motivated by Katniss' desire to rescue Peeta, further proof of his superiority).
10. Buffy/Angel/Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
The WB
Seriously, what is it about vampire relationships that leads to love triangles? This is a little ridiculous. Buffy and Angel are perfect beyond words, a modern supernatural Romeo and Juliet plagued not by sparring families, but by an ancient curse, and Spike had vampire impotence and made a Buffy-bot. Really? We liked Buffy and Spike's banter, but the romance between the two always felt a bit wrong to us (and even Spike didn't believe her when she said she loved him).
11. Ross/Rachel/Joey (Friends)
NBC
Why. Did. This. Happen. Ross and Rachel, the annoyingly on-again, off-again, "we-were-on-a-break" couple everyone shipped throughout the 90s, were each other's lobsters. Joey, the show's resident Casanova, suddenly falls in love with her, even though she has Ross' baby? Whose decision was that?

Sometimes, you get stuck with a bad boss. Someone who makes you work weekends…or who, like, clips their nails at their desk. Maybe you’ve thought about quitting, but you’ve probably (we hope) never gone to extremes like the guys from Horrible Bosses 2. In honor of them – and anyone who’s ever dealt with a bad boss – here are some of the most cringeworthy bosses in movies and television.
1. Miranda Priestly (Meryl Streep) in The Devil Wears Prada
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Miranda Priestly is probably the scariest kind of boss because she’s so calm about it all, even when she’s saying something completely soul-crushing.
2. Bobby Pellitt (Colin Farrell) in Horrible Bosses
GIPHY
Ok so there are several awful bosses in this movie, hence the title, but we're singling out Bobby because he represents nepotism, incompetence and really bad combovers. He's also a raging cocaine addict. Bad, bad, bad.
3. Bill Lumbergh (Gary Cole) in Office Space
spacecadet.tumblr.com
Lumbergh is the epitome of the annoying boss. He makes his employees work weekends, he's a stickler for pointless TPS reports, and he says things like "I'm gonna need you to..." right before assigning you a mundane task.
4. Michael Scott (Steve Carell) in The Office
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We love Michael Scott, but man did he make us cringe. Whether he was telling an inappropriate joke or running down one of his employees with his car, he was simply not meant to be a boss.
5. David Brent (Ricky Gervais) in The Office (UK)
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David Brent had even less of a clue than Michael Scott, if that's possible. He thinks his workers look up to him as a mentor, but they really don't respect him at all.
6. Miranda Bailey (Chandra Wilson) in Grey’s Anatomy
GIPHY
We’ve seen Bailey’s softer side, but remember when she was known only as “The Nazi”? She kept those interns in line!
7. Margaret Tate (Sandra Bullock) in The Proposal
queerajlee.tumblr.com
This Canadian boss lady forces her assistant to pretend he’s her fiancé in order to avoid deportation. Not only is that totally awkward, it’s an HR nightmare! Thankfully Ryan Reynolds was very accommodating.
8. Don Draper (Jon Hamm) in Mad Men
dondrapered.tumblr.com
Granted Don Draper is good at what he does, but he’s kind of the worst boss. Just ask Peggy – she’s seen his bad side on more than one occasion. He sleeps with his secretaries, drinks during the day and takes frequent naps on the couch in his office.
9. President Snow (Donald Sutherland) in The Hunger Games
GIPHY
He’s the boss of an entire country and he’s completely evil. Definitely not a person you want in charge. He sends children to fight to the death basically for his own amusement.
10. Walter White (Bryan Cranston) in Breaking Bad
GIPHY
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He wasn’t so much a boss as he was a, well, kingpin, but he still had complete control over his “employee” Jesse Pinkman. All that manipulation really made us cringe!
11. Maria Laguerta (Lauren Velez) in Dexter
gifshows.tumblr.com
Over the course of Dexter, the fiercely ambitious Laguerta went from Lieutenant to Captain of the Miami Metro Police Department and never failed to make Debra Morgan’s life a living hell.
12. Carter Duryea (Topher Grace) in In Good Company
escarlataohara.tumblr.com
At 26, he became the boss at an established sports magazine and was forced to manage people with way more experience than him – namely Dennis Quaid’s Dan Foreman. He was all about promoting “synergy,” despite having little to no clue what that actually meant.
13. Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman) in Parks and Recreation
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Don’t get us wrong, we love everything about Ron Swanson - from his mustache to his deep and abiding love of red meat. But he works in city government and actively tries to make it less effective. Not exactly someone you want running things.
14. Jordan Belfort (Leonardo DiCaprio) in The Wolf of Wall Street
GIPHY
Belfort represented Wall Street corruption at its worst. He ran his firm with no ethical standards, and when he was caught, he barely got any jail time! Most cringeworthy thing about this guy is that he actually existed!
Which on-screen boss makes YOU cringe? Let us know on Twitter!
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So you might have heard: there was a One Tree Hill reunion this weekend. In Paris. The gang got back together for an OTH convention hosted by Guest Events called, "From Wilmington To Paris 2." Should have been from Tree Hill to Paris, but we guess it's cool since it gave us the best pictures to ever grace our Instagrams.
Our favorite Tree Hill girls finally got back together again and gave us OTH fans photographic evidence:
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Basically the best.
View on Instagram
B. Davis also reunited with her favorite Scott boys:
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My two favorite Scotts. #PJRaven @ThisIsJamesLafferty #HomiesForLife #OTHfam
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Ouch. Is that a burn to Lucas/Chad I see Sophia Bush? Probs not, because she's amazing. And the sweetest girl ever. Plus, we think everyone secretly loved Dan so much because he was the funniest character to hate. And he's hot.
But guys, Sophia was not the only person blowing up our Instagram newsfeed. Haley (Bethany Joy Lenz) was a selfie fiend this weekend.
There was a Naley moment. I repeat, A NALEY MOMENT HAPPENED:
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This handsome buggar... #paris @thisisjameslafferty
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Even a OTH family selfie:
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@ptothejohan @robertearlbuckley @therealshantel @joylenz #hilarieburton #paris
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Everyone seemed to love Dan Scott (Paul Johannson) this weekend:
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Champagne et une promenade avec un de mes amis les plus chers. How blessed I am to share these new memories with people I have known and loved for many years. Thank you #paris
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The James sisters were at it once again:
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Mr &amp; Mrs Paris... Hottest new couple in town! @joylenz #loveyasis #Paris #OTH
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Clay (Robert Buckley)and Quinn (Shantel VanSanten) made snow angels together and they didn't come out well, but it was perfect:
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Clearly, our snow angel game needs a lot of work. @therealshantel #FWTP2
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Even Nanny Carrie was able to tone down the crazy and make it to this reunion:
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Wow! Altogether again! Hillary joy James Antoine Torrey
Afficher sur Instagram
As expected, OTH fans freaked the hell out over this reunion:
This one tree hill gathering is really giving me the feels
— SHA (@ShainaWottitz) October 18, 2014
the fact that there's still one tree hill conventions going on after the show finishing years ago makes me emotional
— (@regalduckling) October 18, 2014
American fans were so sad they couldn't be there:
There's a One Tree Hill convention on in Paris and I'm so devastated I'm not there!
— AlouderLOVEGA (@EmilyyBennettt) October 19, 2014
People let this reunion make them wish (dream) for more:
I had a dream one tree hill was having a reunion season
— erudite (@amanduuurz) October 19, 2014
There were people ready to get on an airplane and fly right to Paris:
Where am I? Not at the #FWTP2 for the One Tree Hill convention. Where I want to be? #FWTP2.
— hale (@brookedaviz) October 18, 2014
People weren't even that mad that Chad had to cancel on the event:
Chad canceled but silver lining: free posters all around for us! Merci @GuestsEvents #FWTP2 pic.twitter.com/Ee0GWLRJZu
— Laura Van Staen (@LauraBlake__) October 19, 2014
Because Sophia is perfect and adorable with fans, as usual:
@sophiabush Thank you for the photo, I'm glad to met you for the first time. I love you so much #FWTP2 pic.twitter.com/LTbAyjVsVC
— I MET SOPHIA BUSH. (@badassbush) October 19, 2014
And the Clinn feels were so strong and perfect:
Shantel and Rob being super cute at their panel #fwtp2 pic.twitter.com/4Fh4piYFzK
— (@xRememberOTH) October 19, 2014
Shantel: "I'd pick Robert any day. He's my best friend!" AND THEN SHE HUGGED HIM. #FWTP2 #Clinn
— Laura Van Staen (@LauraBlake__) October 19, 2014
It was an amazing reunion and we all wish we were there. Excuse us while we go watch One Tree Hill for the rest of our Sunday. And week. We hope you do too.
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"If I had to say who I thought the best singers were, I'd say first that I don't know there's a definitive answer, as, in my opinion it's subjective, and second that my focus is primarily rock singers. That said, I enjoy Freddie Mercury, Elvis Presley, Paul McCartney, Dan McCafferty, Janis Joplin, Michael Jackson, Elton John, Roger Daltrey, Don Henley, Jeff Lynne, Johnny Cash, Frank Sinatra, Jimmy Scott, Etta James, Fiona Apple, Chrissie Hynde, Stevie Wonder, James Brown and a ton of others... and would rather hear any of them anytime rather than me!" Axl Rose responds to a new online poll which placed his at the top of the world's greatest singers list.

HBO
Quickly enough, the varied rage-aholics comprising Vice President Selena Meyer's immediate staff have eased back into their insult- and obscenity-spouting M.O.s, churning out a whole bunch of hostility in the second episode of the stellar comedy's Season 3. This week, Selena faces the stresses of having to choose a new stance on abortion in light of her POTUS' quick shift toward the pro-life side. Naturally, the high-tension situation brings out a lot of colorful language in her crew. But who topped the lot with the harshest one-liners?
7. Secretary of the In-terror: JONAH
"Old Media like the Washington Toast better run and hide in the bathroom and join the Poo York Times."Oh Jonah...
"F**k HuffPo. They should be called 'PuffHo,' because Ariana Huffington is a straight-up ho and all they do is puff pieces."...you horrible idiot.
6. Abhor-ney General: SUE
"[Selena] is on the Coast Guard boat. Meeting and greeting fish."Self-explanatory. Somehow a much funnier line than it sounds like it would be.
"I don't need an enhanced roll to know my worth, Gary."After Gary explodes with giddiness over his being asked to handle a task over Sue.
5. Secretary of Offense: BEN
Responding to Selena's sarcastic quip about the existence of an "I don't give a s**t" lobby:"You're looking at him. I've got posters, buttons... not really. Because I don't give a s**t."
"I can't get POTUS to wave his transvaginal wand and make it go away." What do you even make of this?
"It would take a brain about this sizeMocking Gary's display of fruits representing the sizes of fetuses at different stages of gestation.
"I'm going home. If anybody needs me, I don't care."A classic, always.
HBO
4. Secretary of Treachery: MIKE
"Walt, Randal, this is Sasquatch. The edible garbage is out back."Introducing his new stepsons to Jonah.
"'Copy Cat Selena,' that's what they'll say. 'Me Too Meyer.' 'S**t for Brains.'"Predicting the public's antagonism for Selena's decision to mimic the abortion cut-off of another candidate.
3. Secretary of Hate: SELENA
"It begins here. In this Polish dungeon."Selena's grinning dismissal of her Maryland campaign office.
"I can’t identify myself as a woman. People can’t know that. Men hate that. And women who hate women hate that… which, I believe, is most women."Regrettable bonus points for putting down her gender as a whole.
"You let that unstable piece of human scaffolding into your house?"To Mike, about Jonah.
"I can't listen to that Joan Crawford b**ch about Bette Davis anymore."In the parameters of this insult, Ben is Joan Crawford and Kent is Bette Davis.
"I accept your apology while retaining the right to fire the f**k out of you. Should I print that up on a t-shirt that I can give to you?"Said to Dan, following his outburst over her inability to make a decision on the abortion issue. It's at once horrifying, condescending, and hilarious.
2. Vicious Vice-President: AMY
"You just gonna sit there, SpongeBob?"Mocking Dan for his seasickness. It's not so much the insult itself, but Amy's ability to make such a banal joke so pointedly mean that wins her points here.
"Tell Mike to climb off his wife and get on speakerphone now."I'm picking up on a very subtle undercurrent that everybody hates Mike's new wife. Or at least the idea of another human being entering their lives in a personal capacity.
"Jesus, what a talking gas giant. It's like listening to Jupiter."About Maddox.
"Moving on, and Dan may be quite soon..."Immediately following Selena's threats to oust Dan from his job. The callousness of her noting that Dan might actually get fired is what makes this such a gem.
"Go home. Take an ambien. Take 50."Said to Dan. Jeez, Amy really hates Dan.
"'Twenty-two-and-a-half Weeks' sounds like an erotic thriller."Putting down Gary's suggestion for an abortion cut-off. She could have just said 'no' ... but she's an artist.
1. The President of Put-Downs: DAN
"You don't announce your candidacy while the incumbent is still warm. That's like trying to bang the widow at the funeral."Putting down Gary's suggestion that Selena tell the world she's running for president. He could have just said 'no' ... but he's a wizard.
"That s**t-shoveled-faced-f**kin' Jonah."I don't even know what this means.
"I am going to rip your guts out of your tiny, shriveled little Chihuahua c**k."To Jonah.
"Hey, Ugly Betty, give me that burrito."To Jonah's friend.
"If you say anything about the Veep, I will break your legs so severely you will end up normal height."To Jonah.
But Dan's real genius comes in the nonverbal form this week, blowing up at Selena to the point of physical tremors and shoving aforementioned burrito into Jonah's face as a symbol of his menace. Both are sights to behold from the usually stoic-to-the-point-of-soulless Dan.
NICE THINGS GARY SAID
"Every angel needs an archangel!"In this scenario, he's the angel and Selena is the archangel. Gary... you weirdo.
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HBO
You haven't been able to explain why, but for some reason the past few months have felt... nicer. Friendlier. More humane. Like the world's cynical edge has faded into a general aura of good intentions and widespread compassion. Well, hopefully you haven't gotten to used to it, because the mean streak you used to know is back — Veep has returned for its third season on HBO, coming back in full force with the very best insult comedy on contemporary television. This season, we're going to hone in on which of the series' characters is leading the pack in general misanthropy by ranking the best barbs of every episode.
We start off with the season premiere, which sees Vice President Selena Meyer (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) on a book tour through Iowa as the rest of her staff is back home in D.C. for Mike's (Matt Walsh) wedding to a reporter named Wendy. Due to Mike's unprecedented giddiness, he sat the week out in the insults game, but his colleagues were on point in terms of disses, put-downs, hostile barbs, biting reproaches, and your run of the mill bullying. Who won the race with the coldest zingers?
6. Abhor-ney General: JONAH
"I'm leaving here with my head held high and my nuts hanging low on your mom's chin, Martin."Jonah's unimpressive, infantile sign-off after he's been fired from the White House for running a gossiptainment blog.
5. Secretary of Offense: AMY
"Look at you, Dan. You have more nervous tics than a shoe bomber."There's something about Amy's subdued, even-tempered jabs that feel even more hurtful than her cohorts' heated ones.
"Jonah, what's the point? You don't show up in photographs."Said, again calmly, when Jonah is trying to worm his way into a group photo at Mike's wedding. Good for a chuckle, but this episode isn't Amy's best.
4. Secretary of Treachery: SUE
"Would you like me to mold the cake into a pair of testicles for you, Gary?"To be perfectly honest, neither of Sue's jokes this week (her only two lines in the episode, I might add) are Veep-caliber insults. But Sufe Bradshaw's delivery is impeccable.
"I hate how he learned English from pornography."Markedly better; said in response to Jonah's excessive use of phrases like "money shot" in non-sexual context.
HBO
3. Secretary of Hate: BEN
"Get out of the way or I'll f**king inhale you."Ben yells this at Selena's obscenely incompetent Iowa right-hand man. The believability of the threat makes it so funny.
[On the title of Selena's book, New Beginnings: The Next American Dream] "You’re so full of s**t, there’s a colon right smack dab in the middle."Now that's just terrific wordplay.
2. Viscious Vice-President: DAN
"I would hate the be the local Iowa guy that’s got to take care of [Selena]. Trying to source Gazpacho in a city that thinks soup is for f**s."An insult to Iowa, Selena, the gay community, and, somehow, Gazpacho. Points for versatility.
"What the f**k are you doing here? You weren't invited. Unless you're the Worst Man."This clumsy and obvious clunker docks the usually clever Dan a few points.
"Hey, Hepatitis J."Classy, elegant, hilarious.
Jonah: "What's Google's number?"Dan: "I don't know, ask Jeeves."Not so much an insult as it is just taunting and aggressively unhelpful. But one of the biggest laughs of the night regardless.
1. The President of Put-Downs: SELENA
"Hey, Richard. No offense... you're a catastrophe."Julia Louis-Dreyfus is one of the few comedians who can deliver a line as blunt and unimaginative as this and make it feel sharp.
[To Ben] "Good to see your friendly-ish face-ish."In sharp contrast to the former, the beauty of this excellent jab at her friend's personality and appearance is its majestic subtlety.
"That bag of wrist-slits got the nomination? With that face and personality?"Boom. Easily the meanest thing said all episode. And she delivers it with that demonic smile. Oh, woe is the world in which she occupies the Oval Office.
And since we love Gary so much, we'll also be running this little addition to our weekly insult-off:
NICE THINGS GARY SAID
"[To Wendy] You look gorgeous! Is that lipstick coral blush? Nicely applied!"Oh, Gary. You sweet soul.
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HBO
Once a "political leper," Vice President Selina Meyer will amp up her campaign for the highest office in the land when Veep returns on Apr. 6. Though, with this bunch of jokers and opportunists behind her, it doesn't look good. In honor of the upcoming third season premiere of the HBO comedy, we've organized the office of the VP (that's "Vaguely Personable," to some) from least to most useless.
5. Sue Wilson, Personal Assistant
Sue (Sufe Bradshaw) is the iron gate between Selina and the outside world. She wield's her phone like a weapon and can be counted on to not only shut down every person who tries to get through, but also to eviscerate them personally in the process. No, the president hasn't called.
4. Amy Brookheimer, Chief of Staff
Smart, married to her job, and always ready with a devastating insult, we get the feeling that poor Amy (Anna Chlumsky) just picked the wrong horse in this race. Think of what she'd accomplish with a savvy and poised candidate as her boss. Though there don't seem to be any of those in Veep's Washington.
3. Mike McLintock, Director of Communications
Mike (Matt Walsh) is relatively capable, but has such a deep hatred for his job that he's made up a fake dog to always have an excuse to go home early. If it weren't for his crushing debt and the cost of the boat upkeep, he'd probably have resigned long ago.
2. Gary Walsh, Personal Aide
Whatever else is said about Gary (Tony Hale), no one can claim that he's not fiercely loyal to the VP. Armed with "The Leviathan," Gary is devoted to his boss's every waking need. But let's just say he's not the person you'd want by your side in a crisis.
1. Dan Eagan, Deputy Director of Communications
Dan (Reid Scott) is young, handsome, ambitious, and calculating — just the sort of political tap dancer who should be killing it in D.C. And he could be great at his job — if he spent more time doing it and less time trying to schmooze his way to greener pastures.
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DreamWorks
For the bulk of every Rocky and Bullwinkle episode, moose and squirrel would engage in high concept escapades that satirized geopolitics, contemporary cinema, and the very fabrics of the human condition. With all of that to work with, there's no excuse for why the pair and their Soviet nemeses haven't gotten a decent movie adaptation. But the ingenious Mr. Peabody and his faithful boy Sherman are another story, intercut between Rocky and Bullwinkle segments to teach kids brief history lessons and toss in a nearly lethal dose of puns. Their stories and relationship were much simpler, which means that bringing their shtick to the big screen would entail a lot more invention — always risky when you're dealing with precious material.
For the most part, Mr. Peabody &amp; Sherman handles the regeneration of its heroes aptly, allowing for emotionally substance in their unique father-son relationship and all the difficulties inherent therein. The story is no subtle metaphor for the difficulties surrounding gay adoption, with society decreeing that a dog, no matter how hyper-intelligent, cannot be a suitable father. The central plot has Peabody hosting a party for a disapproving child services agent and the parents of a young girl with whom 7-year-old Sherman had a schoolyard spat, all in order to prove himself a suitable dad. Of course, the WABAC comes into play when the tots take it for a spin, forcing Peabody to rush to their rescue.
Getting down to personals, we also see the left brain-heavy Peabody struggle with being father Sherman deserves. The bulk of the emotional marks are hit as we learn just how much Peabody cares for Sherman, and just how hard it has been to accept that his only family is growing up and changing.
DreamWorks
But more successful than the new is the film's handling of the old — the material that Peabody and Sherman purists will adore. They travel back in time via the WABAC Machine to Ancient Egypt, the Renaissance, and the Trojan War, and 18th Century France, explaining the cultural backdrop and historical significance of the settings and characters they happen upon, all with that irreverent (but no longer racist) flare that the old cartoons enjoyed. And oh... the puns.
Mr. Peabody &amp; Sherman is a f**king treasure trove of some of the most amazingly bad puns in recent cinema. This effort alone will leave you in awe.
The film does unravel in its final act, bringing the science-fiction of time travel a little too close to the forefront and dropping the ball on a good deal of its emotional groundwork. What seemed to be substantial building blocks do not pay off in the way we might, as scholars of animated family cinema, have anticipated, leaving the movie with an unfinished feeling.
But all in all, it's a bright, compassionate, reasonably educational, and occasionally funny if not altogether worthy tribute to an old favorite. And since we don't have our own WABAC machine to return to a time of regularly scheduled Peabody and Sherman cartoons, this will do okay for now.
If nothing else, it's worth your time for the puns.
3/5
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