Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Satan Spawn or Evil Megalomaniac?

Before I start today's post let's define a few things. When I use the word vacation I mean a destination that requires a flight of longer than an hour, to a different country, where your drinks are included in the price of the tour. By child, I mean a child under the age of 6.

To give you some context as to what I am about to discuss I want you to think about that scene in Bill Cosby Himself where he talks about how a flight he took was ruined by a boy named Jeffery. If you haven't seen it, you can find it here. Watch and come back. I'll wait.

............Now that your back, imagine that instead of being on a plane you are stuck at a resort for 5 days, and the child's name is Eli. Ahhhh, lovely, Eli. He let out the same shrill cry whether he was walking, swimming, or farting. He wasn't hurt or abused. Nor had an evil multi-nation taken away his blankey. With the exception of MAYBE getting bitten by a mosquito, he was the most coddled kid I have ever seen. Didn't matter. We all became scared when we saw him dragging his towel towards the pool. Some feared he might drop it and start crying. Others became alarmed when it appear he might trip over it and start crying. A few quivered at the thought that he might get a wayward gust of wind up the right nostril in an uncomfortable way and start screaming. There was no hiding.

But what was even better then Eli, were his parents. His mother was busy reading and suntanning and appeared not to notice him or his brother over long stretches of time. Prompting me to ask Mark if he thought she was a Step-Mommy. Dad, who had the most fun looking after our little handful, finally cracked one day and told Eli he had a 20 minute time out. He was very stern; and if his backbone had of been made out of anything other than chocolate syrup, Eli might have been made to actually go into his corner and reflect. As it was, he was too much even for Dad. Who gave him a get out of jail free card after about 3 minutes. I think I can fairly speak for all the people sitting by the pool. Gee, thanks rubber dad, for proving once again to your child that you are actually the human reincarnation of a welcome mat.