Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Well, it's Spring Break for Cade, and we have officially celebrated by doing absolutely NOTHING. I am a terrible mother. The weather was so beautiful last week, but this week it's been kinda sketchy, so that rules out all the outside stuff, though tomorrow we may brave the lower temps and go to the zoo or something. He's currently sitting under our kitchen table and sulking, probably cooking up some idea for deviant behavior, or worse, my untimely demise. I am going crazy - he's only been out of school for two days, and I already want to poke out my eyes. Somebody save me!

Photo - Mila's first time encountering grass. She is not entirely convinced.

I feel like I've got cabin fever - with Cade out of school but the weather not quite nice enough to do anything, I feel stuck inside and it's driving me insane. It makes me want to go out and spend money (spring clothes for the kids, colored capri's or skinny jeans for me) but WE HAVE NO MONEY. Hello, we're building a house! Get the money spending ideas out of your head! Bad Brie. Baaaaddddd Brie! The last time I felt this cooped up and desperate to spend money was when I was stuck inpatient in treatment and couldn't even take a pee without someone peeking, let alone actually walk outside and get some fresh air therapy. And, feeling ANYTHING that reminds me of inpatient treatment is just not cool, so this sucks.

....Okay, so it's been about 20 minutes since I wrote the above paragraph, and I just talked to Baby Lover Man, and we went over the budget, and there is some money right now available to go buy Mila some spring clothes. Hooray! Baby Gap, here I come! Please save some beautiful floral printed summer dresses for Mila, m'kay? Hooray! My cabin fever blues are abating!

Allergy update: my face is doing better! I've started taking Zyrtec, and the itchiness is mostly gone - at least on my face, which is the place I was most concerned about. My arms and legs still itch and have rashes, but I'm hoping that will go away as I continue to take the Zyrtec. (Thanks Linds for the suggestion!) To all of you who commented or emailed me with ideas, thank you so much. I'm hoping the Zyrtec will be enough to get rid of this, but if not, because of you, I have lots of other things I can try! You da best, Blogxygeners!

So I'm off to shop. :) Shopping solves EVERYTHING.

Also, just wanted to let you all know that this Friday, Kendall would be turning two. If you are so inclined, please remember her by releasing a white balloon, or writing love on your arm, or maybe just by keeping her in your heart. It's going to be a little bit of an emotional day for me, and I'd love your support. And I will try to get through it without spending truckloads of money! ;)

I don't live in SLC anymore but the library here works wonders on crazy days. Last time I was in SLC I took my little man to the downtown library and it was really fun... plus the elevator is super cool. So if your budget does run dry, it sounds dorky but libraries for kids = awesomeness.

Oh Brie, do not beat yourself up over frustration with the small humans. At the risk of offending everyone, I will tell you the truth. Moms are ridiculously overwhelmed and very few actually articulate it. God forbid we not appear as the pillar of mothering perfection. I have 3 boys - 13, 9 and 6 - and only recently (like the past few months) have I truly appreciated them. I LOVE babies and as long as I had one to dote on, I was happy. I was never "warned" that cute, cuddly babies grow into small humans who need actual parenting (vs. simple needs met). I resisted and fought this for years. Yes, I'm ashamed of this, but it is what it is. I didn't have my own shit together enough to adequately parent my boys. More often than not, I felt invaded, controlled, imposed-upon, a slave (a stronger word than I intend) to everyone else in my world. What happened to me and my desires?! Was I truly expected to completely give up myself? I'm guessing some moms would say "yes." But my truth is that I needed more than just parenting. I needed to have my own interests - even if it was just having a simple afternoon without whining and bitching and crying. I never faulted my boys for being, ... well, boys, but rather beat myself up for being inadequate and a shit-mother.

But my boys LOVE me. Despite my frustrations and (literally) years of feeling resentful and guilty, I did a lot right. I am/was hyper-aware of my boys' emotional needs and that was my focus. I never wanted them to feel like I felt as a child. And now that I've cut myself some slack (and they've grown to ages I can deal with!), I have the greatest relationship with them. So many times I wanted to give up and give them to someone who could properly take care of them. I was certain I was destined to fuck. them. up. I continually joke that their college funds are actually for therapy. ;)

But the truth is, mommy-ing is unbelievably hard and draining. Anyone who pretends otherwise is LYING! Everyday brings joy and wonder, as well as frustration, resentment and guilt... oh the guilt! Every less-than-I-love-my-kids thought generates huge guilt.

You're dealing with the challenging ages and I would expect nothing less than for you to want to tear your hair out. I dread spring break and winter break, etc. I am lucky because I work outside the home, AND lucky because my mother and mother-in-law watch the boys as needed. I would lose my mind if I didn't have my own interests to pursue. I know you're a writer, so that means you can do it from your home, but you deserve the space and quiet to do it. I just might not happen right now. *sorry-cringe*

In my 40 years I've learned that time passes at the same pace whether or not you're loving it or hating it. So when your head's about to pop off, remind yourself that "this too shall pass." And it always does. You're living proof of that!

It's okay to freak out, and it's okay to not beat yourself up over it. The reason kids are cute is so we don't leave them on the side of the road! (I'm JOKING, of couse!) (okay, only 98% joking.)

Oh, and I meant to comment on the shopping solution. If it DOES work (which it didn't appear to for you this time), it inevitably brings guilt. You have amazing style, and I was a Baby Gap junkie myself, but when you're building a house, you have to re-prioritize. Granted, I've only shopped for boys, but I remember seeing so many cute girls' clothes at Target over the years! (I was so jealous!) And considering they grow out of them quickly, I could rarely justify the cost. (Clearly, the swimsuit and cap are exceptions!) Although, I know Mila has been wearing clothes for awhile, in the scheme of things those clothes are so short-lived.

I encourage you to not create an additional source of stress (financial) in your life now. Your new house is so worth it and in time everything will work out. Keep your eye on the prize and let today be what it is. Which is actually pretty great. <3