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Toilet humour

Ok, it was bound to happen sooner or later. I dropped my iPhone in the loo. It’s now drying on the Aga, seems ok but I turned the power off and it promptly turned on again, so I’m in a state of denial right now. I’m due an upgrade (well no, I’m not, my 2 year contract is coming to an end in 6 weeks but I don’t *have* to have a new phone) so it’s not too disastrous, though Russell will be disappointed not to receive an iPhone 4S, if it’s kaput. But it may be fine.

And in other lavatorial news, I was recently sent an NHS testing kit for bowel cancer. If you’ve not tried that yet, take the suggestion of managing with a folded piece of loo paper with the complete derision it deserves. Honestly, it’s awkward, even if you are a parent who’s used to dealing with nappy contents. There is no comparison, believe me, and … well, darlings, use your imagination. Wash your hands afterwards, it said. And so it sodding might. I’d used half a bogroll, just to keep things within the bounds of decency. And you’ve got to do it THREE TIMES within a fortnight. Just how often do you….Enough, I’ve lost enough of you already from my beloved band of readers.

You’ve really got to laugh, innit?

I’ll tell you all about the Benji Britt lecture another time, have to be topical.

So, I’ve got my car back, ready for my excursion to the Borders next week. I’m quite excited (though I haven’t confirmed with Badgerdaddy yet) because, though I’ve been to Wales, I don’t know Ludlow at all. Apparently, there are lovely walks so I am hoping it doesn’t pour with rain. But I’ve looked up the stately homes and castles and so on, so I shan’t be dismayed whatever happens. I’m going to see John G on the way (or way back, again I haven’t confirmed), which I’m looking forward to very much.

It was a frustrating morning. I didn’t sleep all night, just a nap of an hour or two when I’d have done better getting up and abandoning the idea of sleep. I made tea at 4.30, in the hope of a fresh start to the night, but no luck. I made buttered toast too, which just showed how desperate I was, I usually eat dry bread, being the virtuous sort, gastronomically speaking. Actually, I made some for Russell and could just imagine the look on his face, being given butterless toast.

Once I got going this morning, I answered school emails that had been building up for a bit, and then sat down to write some minutes. And the phone rang. It was a sodding recorded message with a cold call. I don’t have unsecured loans. I went back to work. Minutes later, another call. It was a friend with sad news, of another friend who has died. She was well in her 80s and had been very ill, but so is the husband of the friend who phoned and Jan and Peter had been supportive of each other. And they’d been friends for 60 years, it’s quite hard. So the phone call took half an hour, it wasn’t right to rush it.

Another friend phoned, wondering if his wife had left her bag here the day before? Sadly, no, so he had to phone to cancel her credit cards. She has Alzheimer’s, she keeps the PINs in her bag too…oh dear. I said quite gently that I didn’t think she should carry cards with her any more, he has to go everywhere with her and it’s not the first time she’s mislaid her handbag. She’s still in her 60s, he’s 80, it’s very sad and hard to cope with. We’ve said we’ll look after one of their dogs over C… over the Yuletide period while they’re visiting their daughter – it’s not really very convenient as we will be out some of the time and she howls when left – Ben will be shocked – but we will do what we can to help.

It was after noon when I was finally ready to do my work, and I’d eaten three more pieces of buttered toast by then – if I may make pathetic excuses, it’s a small loaf and Benj folllows me closely so at least a quarter goes to him – because, with my strict eating habit, I’d rather forgotten how delicious melted butter is – when Jonathan phoned to say my car was ready. So Russell took me in to fetch it, then I walked the dog, had lunch (I must tell you about the salami some time) and then it was time to go and meet the builder at the church, because we are getting an estimate for various items of work.

I’ve still not done one lot of minutes yet, and here I am blogging when I should be working. And I haven’t even told you all the news yet. Not that there’s anything wildly exciting, but this isn’t that sort of a blog. It’s an everyday story of Z’s life. Mostly.

Yes, I’ve done the bowel cancer test as well, and as you say, it’s extremely awkward and messy. I can imagine a lot of people simply can’t face the meticulous dabbing and daubing and just don’t bother. But glad to know after all that fiddling around that I was given the all-clear.

Sorry about the forgetful friend. It’s so sad when someone who used to be totally compus mentis starts to lose it and becomes more and more confused.

I know, Mago, we’d have hopelessly Anglicised all of you and Germany would be famed for serving toast and Marmite on all possible occasions!

I think my phone is now officially bog standard (thank you, Rog) but it works fine, thank goodness. And I downloaded the iOS7 upgrade in the night which was ok, so no harm seems to have been done.

I don’t know when I’ll have occasion to do the second and third parts of the test, my body seems to be recoiling in fastidious dismay. I’m not taking it away with me, so I’ve got until Tuesday morning. I rather wish I hadn’t bothered to start.

The friend has been getting markedly worse over the past couple of years, it’s very tough for her husband, who has had to take on most of the shopping and cooking and no longer can leave her at home alone, so has little respite.

I put it on a towel on the Aga lid – a friend said she put hers inside the slow oven itself, but I was afraid of cooking it! And yeah, possibly the ew-est post I’ve ever written! At least I wasn’t using the kit at the time I dropped the phone!

What is it today with toilets? Two of my work colleagues told me toilet related stories today; one of which involved someone fishing around the u-bend in order to unblock it. She seemed particularly proud of the fact that she had not worn rubber gloves. Lovely.

I’ve been to Ludlow (there is probably a blog-post about it somewhere) and it was very nice. Sir B and I particularly liked the castle, but as it is a ruin you will need reasonable weather if you plan to visit.

The Unobservant Eye of Z

Dramatis personae:
My husband, Lovely Tim or LT for short (though he is actually tall).
My late husband, the Sage, aka Russell.
My children: Dearest daughter Weeza, who has London Ways, is married to Phil. Their daughter is Zerlina Buttercup and their son is Augustus Bufo. Elder son - Al X, is married to Dilly. Their children are Squiffany Virgilia, Maximus Pugsley and Hadrian Swallow. Younger son - Ro married to Dora and their two-year-old is Rufus Russell.
Big Sister: Wink. She lives in Wiltshire, 230 miles away, but we're much closer than that.
We live with our cat Eloise, a black tortoiseshell half-Ragdoll.
Bantams live in the garden and cats live in the barns but we feed them and they have ambitions to be pets too. In addition, cows come to visit in the summer. Mostly, they stay in the fields. None of them has got a hoof in the door yet.
There is an annexe to the house, where Roses lives and her beloved, Lawrence, spends a lot of time there. Her son, Boy, lives there too.

Z’s blogroll

Updating takes too much memory, sorry - but then I'm not very young any more, so am hanging on to the memory I've got. Please don't look for any significance in the order - I'm not drunk but I am disorderly.

In case we are nostalgic

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Copyright

Oh, what's the problem? This is hardly Great Literature. I'd appreciate anything taken from here being acknowledged, and I might change my mind if I'm suddenly proclaimed as the Literary Queen of the Blogosphere - but I probably wouldn't. Do what you like, just as long as it doesn't extend to defamation of anyone, even me.

Actually, you want to pass off what I say as your own, I might even be flattered. Let's face it, who cares anyway?