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My Friends Are Drinking And I Don't Want To

Dear Rachel,

I am a sophomore in high school. This year, everyone in my group of best friends has started drinking. They have, on more than one occasion, tried to persuade me to drink, sometimes to a point where I feel uncomfortable about it.

I am a sophomore in high school. This year, everyone in my group of best friends has started drinking. They have, on more than one occasion, tried to persuade me to drink, sometimes to a point where I feel uncomfortable about it.

I’m worried that I won’t be able to hang out with this group of friends as much if I don’t drink. Plus, sometimes they get annoyed with me when they have to work their plans around me because my mom is super controlling as it is. I’m worried that this would just be too much to try to accommodate, because they already do that a lot for me.

I really want to keep them as my best friends, but I don’t want to do something I’ll regret. Is teen drinking really that big of a deal?

Sincerely, Sick of being the Sober Sister _

Dear Sober Sister,

You’re facing something a lot of girls your age deal with: what happens when your friends start using substances and you don’t want to? First of all, I’m really proud of you for taking time to think about whether or not you really want to drink at all. I can’t tell you how many girls don’t even bother reflecting on this question; they drink because everyone else does and because they’re afraid of being left out. So go you. Drinking can be a thing friends do together - you know, like mini-golf or going to the movies. But booze shouldn’t define your friendship. It shouldn’t be the membership card that gets you in. If it is, I can guarantee the friendship will have a short shelf life and that it’s not worth having anyway.

If your group has more to it than how many shots it can do, all of you can rise above the divisions caused by drinking. But you all have to step up.

Let’s talk about you first: I totally get and sympathize that you are freaking about being left out. But just because you don’t hit every party with them does not disqualify you from being in the group. Yeah, you don’t get to be in on every joke or Facebook album. And that sucks. But it’s not a deal breaker. You can let them do their thing, and you can do yours. In other words, you want them to respect your choices, but you’ll have to respect theirs, too.

Now, let’s talk about them: if they can’t respect your choice and your courage, it says a lot (and not much good) about them. If they are going to roll their eyes and sigh and whine, they are disrespecting you. Is it always convenient when they want to drink and you don’t? No. But guess what? Part of friendship is dealing with the differences that may inconvenience you. It happens all the time in healthy friendships, and it certainly doesn’t spell the end of the relationship itself.

To make this work, you have to work together: you need to tell them how you feel and express your anxiety and fear about losing them, along with your need for respect for your decision. You also need to let them do their thing without you sometimes. They need to support your choice by choosing to do things as a group that don’t involve drinking, and not giving you crap if you choose not to come along.