A wife's personal experience of infidelity

Category Archives: children

I am so tired of my continued, frustrating situation with my ex and the way it has ruined me financially that I don’t even want to be reminded by writing it into words. However, I committed to documenting my experience with infidelity and the consequences on the lives of me, my children, which includes the consequence for my ex, the other woman, family, friends and those we encounter along the way. So after a pause, I am back.
Like anything we commit to and then abandon, the longer we leave it unattended, the harder it is to return. Our marriages can crumble in the same way an exercise regime or healthy eating plan get tossed aside. You turn away from your spouse and start engaging with other people, in other activities that seem more fun than your daily responsibilities and obligations. You chose to invest your time away from God, your spouse, family and home and suddenly the goal of what anyone who gets married strives for–building a healthy, loving, happy, supportive, successful family–turns into “I care only about doing what I want and my family is no longer important.”
I ran a half marathon in 2013 and 2014. It was 8 1/2 months of training to be strong enough to be able to perform and complete that distance. It involved training 3 and 4 times/week; 5 kilometer races, 10 kilometer races and then building up the distance and time. Some days I felt great and looked forward to meeting my run group. Other days I walked or even limped my way and there were times I just endured. I knew though I couldn’t bail on one of those sessions no matter how much I didn’t want to go because if I stopped it would only make things worse for me in the long run. I would stop building and start staying stagnant or losing what I had built. I was so happy when I crossed that finish line. I was so proud of myself and saw all of the benefits in my experience and ability to persevere.
I took 3 months off after each half marathon and did zero running. I always felt dread going back again because it was like starting from scratch. I had blisters, sore muscles, stiff knees, and I couldn’t keep up with the group. I had chaffing under my boobs and my inner thighs and my lungs were on fire. It was hard but that is one of the reasons why I chose this activity. The challenge was worth it and I love how strong I feel when I am back training. I am not an natural runner or athlete but I am building something very valuable in my character, in my body and in my life.
In 2015 my focus was on preparing our home to sell and getting rid of everything we accumulated over 23 years. It was so much work and draining on every level. I had no time or desire to run.
In 2016 the melanoma diagnosis with it’s 3 surgeries and the downtime required afterwards kept me away from running for 6 months until I was cleared. I also had to find a new place to live and undergo another move. I tried to start up running again on my own afterwards but running outside of the group support was hard and going back after a 9 month break was difficult. Then my daughter made Team Canada and her practices were on my long run day. My ex no longer was picking up our daughter on my run clinic night so I had to get her instead. I wasn’t good at going out on my own in the rainy season when it was dark at night and dark in the morning.
I went back to my run group again this year but it hasn’t been easy. Now I wasn’t 3 months or even 9 months behind, I was a year behind. I had to find other people to drive my daughter home from dance or I had to leave her at the studio for 45 minutes after she finished with the stress of the studio closing before I got there to pick her up. I knew she just wanted to get home; her friends had left, she was tired, had homework to do and was hungry. I still did it. I ran two 10ks this year but I have already missed the first week of half marathon practice. If I leave it any longer, it won’t happen. When I don’t make things happen I feel guilt, stress, weight gain, etc. and I feel like there is not point in continuing to run at all.
It is this balance of decision making between what is right for us at the time, what moves us towards our long term goal and what decision will have the best consequences for us in the moment and in the long run. Choosing what seems like the easiest path now is not always the best thing for us in the long run. Choosing the difficult path is not always wise either. Life is supposed to be enjoyable and sometimes we unnecessarily make it more difficult and set ourselves up to fail because we aren’t being realistic or discerning enough. Timing, patience, and day to day factors make mindful living much easier said than done. God and the support of other people are always what gets me through and helps me to trust I am where I need to be right now and choosing what is right.
Once again I am faced with another melanoma diagnosis. I had the surgery last week. I have to move residence yet again and I should be back in court on August 9 asking the judge to enforce the signed promises my ex made in our mediation agreement. My older daughter has been back from school living with me since the end of April. She is working and struggling in her search to find a place to live in Vancouver for her 3rd year at university. The housing crisis in that city is making me believe she needs to transfer back to Uvic and finish her last 2 years here. Thankfully her legal issues resolved. Finances as always are a huge struggle for us. My younger daughter had a very successful school year and dance season. She won many awards and even some scholarship money. My kids and I have a very close relationship. Our struggles together have not been easy but we are learning so much about each other and about what is important in life.
There is always something that can distract us from what is important. I actually started this post 5 days ago and I can’t manage to pull my thoughts together and get it completed. I am sure my ex battled with this same concept before cheating. He had left all his friends and family back in Ontario, he left the church behind and stopped going to church out here, he starting building a new business and new friendships and didn’t include me and the girls in those relationships and stopped coming to events with friends we built together. He started partying more, staying out longer, not coming home for dinner, traveling, not doing anything to help out around the house, picking fights with me, etc. HIs chose for himself, not his family. It is much harder to be the one left behind to make right decisions for 3 people and 3 pets than the one who gets to be free to do whatever he wants. But I would much rather be me in my situation than he in his.

I am definitely in a better frame of mind this Christmas than last year.

Last year, I could not bear the thought of celebrating the first Christmas after selling our home in any way that resembled our normal traditions. I really needed to do something completely different. I guess I truly could not bear it because God does not give you more than you can bear. God not only changed up our scene but he did it in the most amazing way.

Firstly, a neighbour invited us to Christmas dinner making it the first year my girls and I have ever celebrated with anyone else’s family. Then the next day we flew to Florida because a friend, out of the blue, generously paid for me and my girls to fly and stay for free for 10 days. My children said it was the best vacation in their life and we didn’t even go to Disney World.

This year, I am in another new living space. We have always had a real tree but at the urging of my youngest, I agreed to buy a tiny (still 6 1/2 foot), artificial Christmas tree. I initially didn’t want to buy anything as I am still getting rid of things and have no desire to accumulate anything else. Last year a friend gave us a fake tree in a pot with white lights to use. It was perfect and I wanted to borrow it again. It was apparent, however, that it was very important for my daughter to have a tree. She compared prices and sizes and picked out the most practical one. She even put it together and arranged the lights. We decorated it with all of my mom’s ornaments because that was the first box I came across in our storage area. Each ornament is only red, gold or frosted glass and we used her gold and red beads as garland. I think it is the prettiest tree ever.

My older daughter finished her exams and came home 2 days ago. We have had lots of talks and laughs, the three of us sitting on my bed with the pets, reminiscing, planning and dreaming for our futures.

The girls are going to spend Christmas Eve having dinner with their dad and I am going to church with friends and to a party afterwards. We are spending Christmas day at our place and then dinner at my girlfriend’s parents’ farm. We haven’t discussed New Year’s Eve but we have options.

I like the idea of Dave and Janice being together for the rest of their lives and having to live with the consequences of choosing their new path. I know they will be repaid accordingly in life for the hurt, damage and selfishness they chose instead of doing right but I don’t need to know how that destiny unfolds.

I would not want to be Janice and be held accountable to God for what he brought together and she chose to tear apart. Dave carries an even higher onus of responsibility. As a Christian, baptized as an adult, choosing to live for Christ, he knows the scripture promises. He should be shivering, as even Satan trembles at the mention of God, but instead lives in arrogance and debauchery denying God, his word, his children, his faith and his responsibilities.

So I have to say I was a little disappointed when my younger daughter happily proclaimed to my eldest daughter, when she came home for Canadian Thanksgiving in October, that she hadn’t seen Janice since my older daughter left for university in the summer. My oldest daughter said that Janice was coming to dinner with their dad and them over the weekend but she didn’t show up. The kids discussed that Janice and Dave went to Vegas for her 50th birthday in September and talked about how they went to a Cirque du Soleil show (unimaginative gift since he took me for my 40th and took me to a Cirque du Soleil show, too)but they were speculating whether or not the relationship had hit the end of the road.

When my youngest daughter told me that Janice was in the vehicle when we saw them coming off the ferry in November my youngest daughter told my oldest daughter. When he wasn’t bringing her to see my daughter dance I then wondered to myself if maybe the trip to Vancouver was last minute and a way to try and rekindle something or simply Dave using her for company so he didn’t have to be alone or maybe another girl bailed. My experience with him when we dated was that he would pick fights and use that as an excuse to go out with other women and probably did that in our marriage as well now that I have hindsight. I suspect this leopard shows off his same spots and that Janice will fail to acknowledge the truth of Mr. Duplicity at least until her guaranteed destruction can’t be ignored.

It was only yesterday that my youngest daughter came home and announced her lucky streak was over. Janice came with them to lunch (actually at a new burger place right around the corner from my yoga studio where my daughter pointed out my car to them in the parking lot as they drove by and it is a place that I frequent and almost went for lunch yesterday as well).

So I smile as the two of them deservingly are still together. I would never want them to miss out on everything that is still to come.

I drove my niece, my older daughter and my dancer daughter all to Fort Langley Saturday morning. My dancer had to be at the theatre for a lighting and technical blocking rehearsal at 12:45 p.m. She stayed at the studio until her 7:00 p.m. performance.

My niece, other daughter and I explored Fort Langley. I took them to the stores that I thought were interesting and we ate our way around the little town. Fort Langley is the birthplace of British Columbia and is filled with history. Fort Langley is the set for several movies, especially Hallmark Christmas movies. The yellow Community Hall is one of the landmarks to recognize this city location on screen. We had a really fun and enjoyable day and I am a little sad that this is my last weekend to be here for dance.

We met my brother-in-law for dinner at the Olive Garden at 4:30 p.m. I gave a heads up that Dave would be at the show as they haven’t seen him since our separation. My niece adamantly declared that he was no longer family. My brother-in-law disagreed and they had a bit of an argument over it. He said that his relationship and loyalty was with me as we had a long and close history. He stated that he was not close to David but pointed out that he never had any issues with him and that they had contact with each other on Facebook after our separation. (He had told me that previously and wanted to know at the time if that was hurtful to me that he reached out to him. Several of my family and friends had done the same and it was not hurtful but I learned my ex didn’t respond to the others) My brother-in-law told my niece that he got to choose who he considered to be family.

My niece then felt a little badly that Uncle David was going to be at the show alone and wondered if he should sit with us, of course, she said, with he and I being at opposite ends from each other. My daughter was at the table with us and we were very respectful in our discussions of the social awkwardness and hurt felt by everyone because of this tear in the family. I know from my discussions with my sister the night before that she would not be able to mask her feelings as easily and I was glad she wasn’t able to attend. She feels very duped by my ex. She called him a fraud to me on Friday night citing his praying at all our family meals and then contrasting that to her remembering his come-ons towards her at our last Christmas together (he was involved with Janice at that time already). She said it was wrong on every level. She recalled that he acted all the time like he was this great family guy when it was a lie. She said that she thought it was just the scotch he was drinking at Christmas but that the alcohol just revealed his true nature. Now that we all know, he didn’t have to pretend anymore. She said that she can see now he doesn’t even care about his children and feels the entire 23 years she knew him was just a facade.

When we got to the theatre we stepped into the long line up waiting for the doors to open. Dave was not there and I feared for my daughter that he wasn’t going to end up showing. I popped my head in to the studio so my daughter knew that I was there in the audience for her. My older daughter then said that her dad texted her and he was waiting in the parking lot. He wanted to know who from my family was there. He asked our daughter to save him a seat and to text him to let him know when he could go in. My niece commented that he is afraid to show himself because he knows he did something wrong.

We had extra seats in our row but after my daughter put down her coat she went to a different row to find a seat for her dad. When he came in, my brother-in-law and my niece both waved to him to attract his attention. He waved back and then came up to shake my brother-in-law’s hand and to hug my niece. I was very proud of my family for the kindness they showed to my children’s father. Dave and I, on the other hand, did not acknowledge each other.

It was a proud and emotional evening. A girl sang our national anthem beautifully and powerfully while we all stood and sang along and watched our dancers’ photos appear on the large screen on stage with their name over the maple leaf. I wondered how my ex felt listening to the MC who was a dance dad and had traveled with his daughter twice for Team Canada. He shared about the bond that grew because of those trips together. He shared about his understanding of the stress on the parents involved–the expense, the fundraising required and work that goes into getting kids to rehearsals, costuming, photograph sittings, press interviews, etc. My ex was not a part of any of that.

It was a short show–8 dances in the first half and 8 in the second half with a 30 minute intermission to buy 50/50 tickets, wine raffle tickets (40 bottles of wine to win), and silent auction items with the money raised all to support the team. My daughter’s group danced first so her dad left at intermission. He didn’t get to see her acknowledged at the end in her Team Canada jacket and he didn’t receive the team photo they handed out with all of the notes from the family wishing their dancer good luck on the back–I signed “love mom, dad and (older daughter’s name)” on my note to our daughter.

When we were at the ferry terminal heading back to Victoria we ran into friends. The mom asked our daughter if her dad came to see her dance. She said that he did but he left half way through. Our friend asked “why?” My daughter said it was because she danced first. She said, “He always does that.” I realized at that moment that she isn’t going to remember that her dad was there to see her dance. She is going to remember that he left.

I think my ex is still reading my blog. He sent me an email not too long ago commenting that he wasn’t following me anymore. He said that is was fun for awhile but now it is boring–the same old, same old.

I am pretty sure it was him who commented recently about my potential homeless situation post and then having gone to Hawaii in the summer. It sounded like him, saying the same things he said to me in separate emails and texts and the same writing style. It was the same email address as all the chaos created a year ago under several different user names and this was yet another user name, something like “just another single mom”. He might have been the only one involved in all of that after all. Crazy!

What makes we certain he continues to follow me is that I finished reading The Girl on the Train very quickly. I told my daughter she could read it and I gave her the book. She hasn’t started yet because she said there is a book for her English class that she has to read first. Then she told me that her dad invited her to go see the movie with him. I think that is an odd choice of movies to ask your 14 to go and watch when there are lot of family movies released but all I asked was if she was going to go. She said, “Nooooo!” She apparently told her dad that she had the book but she hadn’t started to read it yet. He said, “Your mom decided you could read it?” Even my daughter said it was “random” how the topic of me screening the book first came up. She told him that she saw the trailer and that wasn’t a movie she was going to watch with him. I haven’t seen the trailer and now am curious as I wonder if it is obvious from the trailer infidelity is involved. His commented to her that he was that he was surprised I was going to let her read it. Yet he thought it was okay to take her to see the movie?

I asked my ex tonight if he was able to pick our daughter up from the ferry on Sunday, October 2 at 5:30 p.m. He responded, “Sure”. I was surprised not only that he responded to my request but that he responded so positively and so quickly.

Just when I started to text a thank you back I immediately received another response from him that is much more typical, “Oh no wait I’m away I cant”. Then he sent another saying, “That’s your weekend I believe”. He knew all along he wouldn’t do it but thought he would play with me by saying ‘yes’ to start.

I responded, “Okay. Thank you for considering.”

His response: “Well thnka s for offering”. (yes that is how it was received, same with the last text spelling.)

I mentioned however how the month of September has been going for seeing his children: “I didn’t know we had weekends. You didn’t see (daughter’s name) when it was “your” weekend and then you didn’t see her the next weekend to make up for it. We just figure it is always my weekend unless you make plans to see her.” It has actually been 3 weekends in a row he hasn’t seen our daughter.

It was my youngest daughter’s recital on the weekend. She danced in 4 shows. She had 7 dances in the Saturday evening show and 4 dances in the Sunday afternoon show. The other 2 shows she just danced in the final production number.

When my husband left us for another woman he decided that it no longer mattered if my daughter had anyone watching her perform. He certainly has been a “no show” at many of her events. Where we used to support her completely as a family and go to all her shows, he now may pick just one main one. She has no other family who live locally to come and watch her and this year none of her grandparents flew in for recital. She has worked so hard all year practicing for this final event that it would make me sad to think that she didn’t have anyone personal in the audience attending specifically for her. I usually buy an extra ticket and invite a girlfriend to come and watch just so she has more people to cheer her on and appreciate her talent and hard work.

In that respect, I was fine with my ex bringing “the other woman”. I just wanted my daughter to feel like people cared enough to come and see her and if that is what gets her dad out then so be it. It is the first time he has brought the OW out to something where he hasn’t hidden with her in the back and ducked out early.

I was walking down the aisle of the theatre with my older daughter to find our seats before the show started when my daughter exclaimed, “Oh well look at who is here.” She walked up and talked to her dad and Janice Andrews and when I realized who she was talking to I just kept going. I spoke to a friend who caught my attention as we were sitting in the same row and I was trying to figure out where in the row my seats were located. She said, “Yuck, did you see who is behind us?” Interestingly enough she was sitting with her ex. They always attend things as a family to support their daughter. I just smiled and said that I better go around to the other side to access my seats. Thankfully, I was sitting well away from my ex and the OW. While I was walking to my seat another family engaged me in conversation and my thoughts were long from my ex already. I had a glass of wine and was very excited for the show.

At intermission, my ex and the OW didn’t leave their seats. My older daughter went to talk to them and after coming back from the washroom I stopped at seats just in front of them to speak to friends who had just returned from celebrating their wedding anniversary in Hawaii.

When the show was finished we all met outside at the backstage door and encouraged my daughter. The OW didn’t say anything. When we were ready to go my ex and the OW walked ahead hand in hand. It wasn’t even weird that my husband was holding hands with someone else. I have no emotional tie to him or them at all. There was nothing about them that made me care what they did, where they were going or how they got there. I was happy to be with my girls and to be going home with them.

I was back to see my daughter perform her 4 dances the next afternoon show and to go out for lunch with her afterwards between shows. Her dad did not come to watch. He obviously had more important things to do.