Climate change experts don Combet fatigues

Jacinta: Good evening. I’m Jacinta Combet and this is the 7 o’clock news. As catastrophic bushfires continue to rage across our ravaged, blackened country, leaving devastation and catastrophic destruction in their paths, we cross live to an emergency panel of leading climate change experts who predict “we ain’t seen nothing yet".

(Insert interview with frowning Indian Bloke)

Frowning Indian Bloke: To me it’s clear you Aussies ain’t seen nothing yet. In the very near future, as global warming trends continue to, er, trend, what we have seen this week in Australia, which is unprecedented in the history of the world, is a series of catastrophic fires that make Dante’s Inferno look like a kid’s birthday party.

(Insert stock shot of cute kid blowing out candles on a cake)

(Cut to shot of fires raging, kids screaming, running for cover etc)

Jacinta: Experts predict that if global warming trends continue trending at these alarming levels, such catastrophic bushfires will become a regular occurrence, threatening lives and devastating communities and wildlife on a daily basis.

(Insert stock shot of smouldering koala)

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Bloke: Although it’s impossible to blame any one single event on climate change (cut to shot of ice floes collapsing) it’s clear that according to our extensive modelling (cut to pie chart or column graph or whatever it was we used yesterday) catastrophic climate change will lead to catastrophic bushfires, as we are seeing in Australia.

Jacinta: As climate change continues to devastate communities across the country, another expert predicts that the intensity and frequency of the fires will only get worse, and could lead to widespread panic and mass evacuations of coastal communities in the near future.

(Insert interview with bloke with egg-stain on shirt)

Bloke: As the climate heats up by up to six degrees over the next 50 years, the potential for catastrophes is, er, catastrophic.

(Insert clip of tsunami hitting Japanese village)

(Insert shot of beachfront home for sale)

(Insert interview with Byron Bay real estate agent)

Estate agent: Already we’re seeing people who live on dangerously eroding beaches happy to take whatever offer they can get before it’s too late. If you, too, are thinking of selling your beachfront you can contact me on . . . (cut it here)

Jacinta: Meanwhile, a catastrophic wave of drive-by shootings has devastated Sydney’s western suburbs. I spoke earlier to a leading member of the government who explained that the unprecedented heat, er, I mean crime wave, is directly linked to catastrophic climate change.

(Insert interview with federal minister who looks like Clark Kent)

Kent: Well, it’s pretty clear that as the planet heats up by up to six degrees in the next 50 years, and that’s what the experts are telling us, well what happens is you get these catastrophic heatwaves that lead directly to kids getting all hot under the collar and smuggling illegal weapons into western Sydney from places like Campbell Newman’s corrupt Queensland where hundreds of workers have been laid . . . (cut it here)

Jacinta: (off camera) Thanks honey, that was great.

Jacinta: And now to world news, where unprecedented flooding has devastated Jakarta. I spoke earlier to an expert who warned that such flooding was a direct result of catastrophic climate change.

(Insert interview with frowning Indian bloke)

Frowning Indian Bloke: To me, it’s clear you Indonesians ain’t seen nothing yet. As global warming trends continue to, er, trend, what we have seen this week in Jakarta, which is unprecedented in the history of the world, is a series of catastrophic monsoon rains that make Noah’s Ark look like a kid’s birthday party.

(Insert clip of cars floating down street)

Jacinta: And that’s the news tonight. We’ll be back tomorrow where I’ll be joined by a government minister who explains how today’s catastrophic rise in unemployment figures is clearly linked to a catastrophic rise in sea levels. Until then, good night.