Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a 24-year-old woman, a graduate student.

He told me he was all I needed; he told me that he was the only person who cared. He told me my friends hated me because they were so mad at me because I got sick. He told me they were just all bitches like all of the other girls in the world. Like his ex-girlfriends, like his mother, like (me).

I had no idea that sociopaths existed. I thought that “sociopath” was only a word thrown about on TV, late night news, America’s Most Wanted.

My therapist told me that my ex-boyfriend is one of the worst sociopaths that she has heard about in her 12 years of practice.

Abuse starts slow

The abuse started out subtle; the control started out slow. He told me that I’d look cute if I just started dressing a little more suggestively. He told me that a slight heel (high heels) would do wonders for any girl’s appearance. “Didn’t I want to be the girl all of the other girls were jealous of?” He would tell me how to dress in order to make guys stare.

He would walk me down the street, hand around my neck, but whispering, “Babe, you look great. God, baby you’re my good thing; look at all of them watching; they think you’re so HOT.”

I now think they were wondering what was up because I was dressed like a whore and my ex boyfriend would ask random guys if they would pay me to provide sexual favors for them.

Controlled everything

I dated this man for two and a half years. He would control what I did, what I wore, what I ate, when I slept, how I slept, what I was required to wear to bed, what I could do in bed, IF I could move in bed ”¦ He wouldn’t let me move; he would get angry if I woke him up. He needed his sleep so he could “go out and make money the next day. You know you’re just a needy woman. You need me, the big strong man…”

And he’d laugh at me. He would ridicule me. He would make fun of me. He would laugh if I thought I was smart. He would laugh if I thought I could do something. He would introduce me to people as “the retard.” He would tell me not to talk—why would I bother? It wasn’t like I knew what I was saying anyway.

He would tie me up tell me it was sexy and that everyone else was doing it. He would punch me in the stomach, but he would tell me that he was seeing how tight my abs were. He would show me horrible, horrible movies about what women do when they’re hurt.

He showed me the movie Secretary, where the woman gets sad and then cuts herself, gets found out by her boss and her boss says something like no, don’t do that. And they proceed to have sex while her boss beats her butt with a wooden paddle. My ex would force me to have sex while slapping my butt and digging his hands into me, saying it was love.

Getting out

The list of scary things goes on longer than I want to remember right now. It got to the point that my parents were afraid. My ex-boyfriend was losing control, and I was stuck in the middle.

I would do anything for him, but then I did the one thing he forbade me to do. I got out. I realized that my parents didn’t hate me. I realized that my friends didn’t hate me, and I realized that I am stronger than he is and that I didn’t have to be his “good thing” anymore.

Then he told me that he made a huge mistake. He told me that he was “so sorry,” that it was normal to fly into insane rages when one loses something that he loved. He tried to get me back. I broke up with him. He stayed around for a few months trying all of this.

He convinced me that we could still be together if we were just “F” buddies, because I was the best girl for sex or at sex that he’d ever had. I know that is complete b.s. now, but at the time, when he told me I was the “only one” and “oh so special,” it worked to keep me around.

But, yeah, I mean there’s no doubt in my mind that if I had stayed with him, he would have convinced me to kill myself, or killed me himself. He would tell me to take pills. He said it was a way for me to show the world how “hurt” I was (all said in a condescending and convincing tone).

Anyways, there’s more, but yeah he tried to get me back. He tried telling me how heartbroken and lonely he was without me, which didn’t make sense to me, because when he and I were dating he told me he didn’t get lonely, he just didn’t “feel” it. It’s weird because when I was with him and he was being manipulative and abusive, he almost always told me what he was doing, but he always said, “But baby, it’s okay because we’re different. No one else is like us; we’re better than everyone; just trust me.”

Apart for six months

I can say simply that when I was with him he was emotionally abusive, physically abusive, sexually abusive. He would always say, “You can’t rape the willing, and you know you’re always willing, don’t bother saying no, because I know that no means yes.” Mind games and everything. He would get me so confused and afraid that if I said no, he’d be angry, and if he was angry he would hit me. Or at least I was terrified that is what would happen, because he would always tell me that he was bigger and stronger…

I have a restraining order against him now. I am in therapy now. We have been apart for six months, but I am still so shocked from it all. It still hurts really bad. I was with a man who told me he loved me, but that was just so that I would keep playing his bitch, keep being his doll and keep being his slave.

OxD,
I cannot even imagine what it is like to have a child who is a P and to have to sever ties with your own child. My heart goes out to you. I think you are a very strong person and have an incredible will. Most of the world does not understand what it is like to have to break ties with a family member. But for it to be your own child….I cannot even fathom this.

Though it’s not the same, I, too, have severed ties with the remainder of my living relatives, as they are just too toxic for me. As much as it hurt me to do it, my life is much better without them in it. I have even lost some longtime friends who judged me for walking away from my own mother. So be it. One of the things that happened when I let go of my biological family is that I feel like the “whole world” is my family in a way. People think of me as personable, but really I probably just reach out more because I have no family. I consider people in all my various communities as family. I considered the P like family when I met him, unfortunately. I don’t want to lose that part of myself though. I just want to be wiser about it.

I hear what you say about the self-healing, and it certainly rings true. However, it seems at every stage of healing I feel called to help others. I cannot help it. It is really who I am and why I’m here. I avoided it for 20 years. I lived like a monk, only working as necessary to sustain my lifestyle, and using all my surplus energy for healing myself. In all this time, I never felt ready to help others. Even the massage practice has mainly been a lucrative source of income.

However, since I received the blessing from that Hindu guru, Amma, last month, things seem to be shifting for me on a daily basis. I keep feeling stronger. I have feared standing up to people and setting limits my whole life. Suddenly, it has become imperative, and I no longer can avoid doing it, because avoiding it is too painful. And it is unacceptable to live my life in pain. Tonight I hung out at the hot tub (my unit backs onto the pool) with my neighbors. I laughed and had a great time and felt like a happy person. I am starting to feel a general caring for people that I’ve never felt when I was so immersed in depression. I’m going to some sort of healing retreat next weekend that a friend has gifted to me. I have no idea what to expect….who will be healing whom. I’m actually looking forward to it.

This whole thing with the P, as horrible as it was, has taught about my own strength A month ago I never thought I would get past it. Today, I feel like I’m about 70%. But I don’t think I would be strong enough to face him. It’s been a tough lesson.

Depression can be a definite burden when we are “already down”—I think I have been somewhat depressed maybe most of my adult life, but am taking antidepressant medications which seem to help very much. They’re not the ONLY answer, they just “help”–we still have to painfully work on our “issues” ourselves, but when a person is very depressed it is difficult to impossible to really work on those issues.

Sometimes the trauma of the P-experience almost forces us to work on those issues, and sometimes previously unresolved issues start to surface when we are no longer denying our own pain. To me that is a good thing.

I didn’t have much (numbers) in the way of a biological close family, though I did have a large extended family in the community in which I grew up of cousins and neighbors, but except for my adopted son and one of my two biological sons and one first cousin that is all I am in contact with, though my mother actually lives on the same farm I do, her house is half a mile away and I do not communicate with her. It has only been since I cut off contact with her that I have really started to do some “serious” healing where she is concened. I realized I just can’t deal with her and “maintain my sanity” it just hurts too much.

No contact allows me to heal without NEW INJURIES to try to recover from.

I am glad that the blessing has helped you to really start to heal. Our spirituality, at least to me, is so important to us in our healing, that I can’t imagine truly healing without being in touch with our own spirits. The Ps crush our emotions but to me they mostly crush the spiritual parts of us, our souls. Healing that part, and coming to acceptence within ourselves I think is so very important. To me, using the spiritual parts of our natures helps us to grow from this terrible experience(s) and to come out the other side stronger and better people. People ABLE to share with others. Able to care for ourselves, able to love ourselves.

I hope your retreat is relaxing and uplifting. I’ve been to several retreats through the years that were so uplifting that they were just grand!

I’ve been dealing with my own issues, now that my ex-bf isn’t really ignoring me anymore. I’ve been making him deal with me on an honest level, or not at all, but frankly it’s worse than the lies in some ways lol. Still I’m glad I did it, it makes me feel like I was some use to the man. I told him so many times, his only real friends are the ones who care enough to tell him the truth.

I know a lot of you won’t agree with me, but I felt like I had to make some kind of peace/truce with the guy, because I have to move to his small town to go to my new college. I’ve been putting it off as long as I could, but now I really need to go, to work on my own life. I don’t want to get back with him or be his “friend”, but I also don’t want to feel devastated every time I see him in public with one of his new conquests.

I feel like I’m getting there somewhat, but in the end it will be 99% NC, which is as close as I’m gonna get until I leave that town. Still I can’t help missing the good parts of him, and there are many, though of course they are only outward. He’s one of those guys that it’s a real shame they have to be this way, because he acts like a gentleman and goes out of his way to help everyone. Inside though, he really hates people and resents their “demands”. Soooooo wishing I never met him, just knowing him makes me feel bad sometimes. sigh

Kat, Please be very very careful in your interactions with the guy, as any contact just gives them the opportunity to further manipulate you. This is not a criticism because I understand your desire to have peace/truce with the guy. My guy also started out the charmer, comes from a fairly well off family, had a decent job when I met him, but turns out he is NOTHING like he presented himself to be. Anyway, after being stalked/terrorized to the extent I moved not just from the county, but the STATE, I had to go back to the area to handle getting repairs done on my home so it could be put up for sell. My P showed up, caught me outside, offered apologies, admitted he had deliberately “terrorized” me (terrorized being the word HE actually used himself to describe what all he had done) and wanted to part peacefully. I was so freaking RELIEVED (not to mention hopeful that if I was “nice” he wouldn’t burn my place down as threatened), and seeing as how I always had peaceful resolutions with people, and I knew I was gonna soon be back out of State, I allowed the contact. Big mistake. He came on as quite nice and sincere for a short while, but ultimately it resulted in another YEAR of torment. My last contact with him was nearly 7 months ago, and that is not for his lack of trying. He still tries to reach me from time to time (it doesn’t matter that he also had a string of other women), and still makes contact with some of my relatives from time to time (he’s made sure to let them know how wonderful he was to me, how I broke his heart, and drop comments and tell lies about me and other men–even giving fictitous other men names and details– in my new area, attempting to lead them to think I am now the whore not just of my small town, but my new State). I have closed ALL doors for him to directly reach me. I am now at the point that I don’t care if he shows up at my front door and a bonfire erupts beneath his feet. I’ll call 911 to get someone here to assist him (not because I particularly want to help him, but because I don’t want my new front porch to get fire damage–ok, that is just mean–just kidding! lol), but I AIN’T opening that freaking door!

I am so sorry that you have had such a terrorising stalking. My X burned his previous mistress’s house (they had been together off and on for 8 yrs while he was married) never could prove it but we know he did. I was only with him 8 months, after his divorce, and when I kicked him to the curb I thought he would try to “get even with me too”—the only difference is I have two sons that I think he would be afraid of if he did anything like that, so I told him that I knew about his X’s house being his arson, and that even if lightening struckk my house and burned it and I witnessed the strike, that my sons would come after him. He believed me, and though he did some “revenge” things that were verbal, my house is still standing. Even if my sons HAD wanted to “go after him” if they felt he had hurt me, I would not have allowed it, but THE P DIDN’T KNOW THAT. So sometimes, if you do it right you can “threaten” them right back. Growing up in the redneck country, I have learned that sometimes a GOOD BLUFF is as good as a machine gun!

With Ps it just depends on how cowardly they are. My P-son would take a threat as a “challenge” and it would make him MORE LIKELY to hurt you, but with my X-BF he had the “courage” to sneak into his X’s house (he had a key) and burn it (he was an electrician) but not enough to face up to anyone man to man or risk going to jail.

I agree with your advice to Kat, to my pain and grief I discovered that 99% “no contact” expecially when you are still not over them can lead to more pain and even a melt down in my case. Mine was with my mother, but NC leaves NO openings for MORE INJURY, where EVEN A LITTLE contact can rip the scabs off. My X-P-BF unexpectedly showed up at a local auction I attend regularly on SAturdays (he knew that) and even though I hadn’t seen him in well over a year the SUPRISE of him showing up there in MY TERRITORY (he lives far away) made me so SCARED and upset it took 2-3 days of anger, rage and tears to quiet back down.

Kat, I know that you may think you have “heped” him or “been some use” to him with your truth, but they don’t HEAR THE TRUTH, it bounces off their brains! The only “truth” they hear is the one they make up themselves—everything else is fake. Thinking you can “help” them is MAGICAL THINKING. And that sound you hear is my oven door opening! ((((hugs)))))

I really hate narcissists / sociopaths. Because they don’t give up. I am tired of being contacted by not only him but also his entire family on his behalf. I wish they would go away. But they don’t. I am narcissistic supply. I know this now. The best thing I can do is move on with my life because I have to. Because I am going to have a lifetime of contact from this narcissists/sociopath and I can’t stop my life for it everytime I get contacted. He is not contacting me because of how great I am or because he loves the baby or because he had an epiphany that he really does love me. It is because the baby and I offer supply. It is what they do. I hate them for this.

So, I am moving on with my life and I am going to do the best I can at ignoring them. They are so annoying!!!

I realize now that when I was first devalued and discarded, that I didn’t know what was going on. A friend said the word sociopath to me. I hadn’t heard the word before. In all the confusion and hurt that was going on in my spinning head, I wasn’t thinking straight and I needed direction. I found this Lovefraud site. No contact is what this site said. Not understanding why, I listened to what the site had to say. I went to no contact to the best of my ability. I understand now why. If it weren’t for this site telling me no contact, I would be back with him. I would have gone back even after the horrendous abuse I had been put through. Because he would have gained my trust again and I so needed the affirmation from him that I did not deserve to be devalued. I wanted to hear from him that I am worthy. He would have said it, and I would be back with an abuser. They are amazing at getting you back into their claws. I can’t believe I can say that about myself. But I know it to be the truth, and I know that no contact allowed me to get my head on straight so that I could get out. It has taken me 6 months now. And I finally understand why no contact is so important, especially at the beginning. Real narcissists/sociopaths don’t give up. I wish they would, but they don’t.

I hear you loud and clear my dear!!!! Hang in there, and I am so glad that you see the value of NO contact. I am also glad that you are starting to “move on” with your life. Can you change phone numbers or addresses so that they can’t find you?

I am also SO GLAD that you are not with this P-CREEP.

How is my BABY BIRDIE? Three months old already? Or just about? WOW, time sure does fly. I know that Birdie is smiling now and responding the way little baby birdies do. They are sooooo cute at that age!!!! Give my baby a big squeeze from Aunty Oxy and tell Birdie that there is someone out there that prays for them every night, and for momma Bird as well. Your post lets me know that my prayers have been answered.

I am so proud of how strong you have become, Bird, and how you are accepting the TRUTH even if it is a painful one. It is only when we recognize that WE ARE STRONG and that THE TRUTH, as painful as it is sometimes, WILL SET US FREE.

Make it as difficult as you can for them to contact you, toss their letters in the trash, unopened, don’t read any e mails, or answer the phone. If you can’t change the number, get an answering machine to screen the calls and don’t even listen to the messages they leave. MOve if you can.

I am not sure if you are in the US butr I do know one thing and that is that when you put in a “change of address” in the US they can get it from the post office, so the way to leave no forwarding is to contact people directly, utility companies and such and tell them directly your new address and all your friends etc. but do not put in a “change of address” form with the PO. Or if you must put in onek, get a post office box instead of using your home address. YOu can also rent a box from one of these mail forwarding services as well.

I also found out that the PO in the US will, for a fee, “forward” your mail to a “temporaary” address once a week. That’s another good idea. I’ll need to check with the PO and see if they will give out the temporary address. I bet not. Their rules are changing though so if you use any of these services check with the PO.

Even with all the “safeguards” in place it isn’t too difficult to “disappear” in the US if you are not hiding from the law or from someone who can afford a good investigator to find you. I did it last year and got some good advise from an investigator about how to do it. I was only temporarily hiding, but if I had gone into DEEP hiding it might have been a bit more complex, but I think I could have done it.

I know you are being careful, Bird! I also know that you are getting so much stronger! ((((BIG HUGS)))) Good to hear how you are doing!