Category Archives: Mommy-hood

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I’m really excited for him to meet new friends and have some fun with kids his own age. He has literally spent every single day of his life with either his parents or grandparents. That’s awesome for our bank account and I realize what a luxury it is that I’ve been able to have D with me 3 days a week and that we have grandparents living close by and at a stage in their lives where they are retired and/or working in the school systems and have summers off to hang out with my kid.

The downside to this is that D doesn’t really have a lot of experience interacting with kids his own age on a regular basis.

I mean, he goes places and plays with kids, but he isn’t going to daycare with a built in friend system.

Social interaction is one of the main reasons we are sending D to preschool. I don’t think he needs the academic portion, but he does need to spend time with kids his own age and learn how to share damn my broken vagina and my inability to get pregnant with a sibling… follow a set schedule and get in the groove for kindergarten next year. And I have to admit that I’m looking forward to 6 hours a week for just me…

As the first day draws closer, D is getting very obviously anxious. Each day he tells me more and more frequently that he’s scared and doesn’t want to go anymore. When I ask him what he’s afraid of, he can’t give me a specific reason. Which as the reigning Queen of Anxiety, I totally understand. The preschool we chose, we picked because it’s in a place (the church I grew up in) he knows and it’s literally across the street from where my dad and his girlfriend… live. He’s been in the church multiple times and we drive past every time we go to visit Papa.

I don’t know what to do to help him. There’s an open house tomorrow where he will meet the teacher, see the classroom and see all the fun and exciting new things and toys. I’m hoping that will help a lot.

If I’m being honest, what I’m afraid of is D having to deal with anxiety and the stigma attached with that forever. And I’m desperately afraid he gets that from me. Anxiety is not anything I would wish on anyone. Especially my four year old child.

Man Cub is now 4 and a half years old and is starting to realize that once upon a time Amma and Papa, my parents, were married.

Next month will be 2 years since their divorce was official and November will be 7 years since they split up.

He has never known my parents as married.

B’s parents are still married and he’s noticing a difference.

Add in my Dad’s girlfriend…who he calls by her first name, and the poor kid doesn’t know what to make of things.

I don’t ever want him to think that one day his parents will get divorced. Even if that is one of my super secret fears that rears up when the Anxiety Monster is around…

I’m really not sure what or how to say to D. I don’t know how to explain things to him in a way a 4 year old will understand, but not be confused or afraid it will happen to him.

The upside is that now everything is final and we’ve all (mostly) come to terms with all the emotional junk that came with being a married 20-something when my parents split up.

I make a conscience effort to spend time with all three sets of grandparents and try to make things as equal as I can. Even if my parents aren’t together and there’s a girlfriend in the picture, at least there is no shortage of people who love and care about my son. I just wish I knew how to help him understand without harping on the issue and bringing up my own baggage.

Sigh, yet again… I’m wishing there was an instruction book that came along with D when he was born.

Last night D and I were driving home from family dinner and happened to drive past a group of people holding up signs protesting racism. One of the signs asked drivers to honk if they were against racism.

I laid on the horn.

D asked me why I honked.

I told him it was in support of the people protesting racism.

Then my four year old white, American male child asked me what racism was.

How do I explain to my son that some people are at a disadvantage in the world based solely on the color of their skin… something they have ZERO control over?

That because he was born white, things are going to be easier for him.

Things are going to be easier because he’s male instead of female?

How do I explain racism and ass backward thinking to a FOUR YEAR OLD?!?!?

I told him that some people think less of other people just because they’re a different color from what they are. That everyone deserves to be treated the same regardless of what they look like. That there are people in all different colors of the rainbow and we all deserve to be treated the same.

We crossed over a railroad track and my train-loving kid was distracted.

There is a part of me that wants to talk to him more about this. To explain that everyone deserves to be treated with love and respect… regardless of the color of their skin, gender, religion and sexual orientation.

There is another cowardly part of me that just wants to let it go. To let my child continue to live in ignorant bliss.

But that’s letting him be ignorant. Part of my job as his parent is to show him how people are special and deserve to be treated as such. To teach him in word and action. To help even the playing field.

There’s some crap going on in the family. I tweeted about how I was having all the feels, how it surprised me that I was having the feels and that I just needed to vent. And it bit me in the a-dollar-dollar.

Having all the feels and not feeling like I can talk to anyone without paying them to listen to me has seriously set my anxiety through the roof.

Sarcasm is my first language and my coping mechanism.

I can’t control my anxiety, but I can usually control my sarcasm. when my filter is working…

Trust me. I SO wish I could control the anxiety right now.

B and I are going on an anniversary getaway long weekend in a few weeks and I’m trying to figure out logistics for Man Cub.
We are extremely lucky to have all four grandparents locally.
But trying to figure things out with my habitually late, last minute family is driving me nucking futs. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. I absolutely adore then and would be beyond lost without them.
But no one can push my buttons and drive me crazy like they can.

During MIL’s birthday lunch today our little vacay was brought up and MIL was naturally curious when Man Cub was going to be at her house. I told her I didn’t know and that I was working on it.
I wasn’t trying to be a beach. I really wasn’t, but my frustration must have been obvious.

As we were outside saying our goodbyes she kind of pulled me aside and said it was no big deal to her when Man Cub was at her house.
Then it happened.
She told me not to worry about it.
And I reacted.
Poorly.

I believe “Gee, I never thought of that. Just don’t worry about it. Problem solved!” was my exact response.

If I could just not think/worry about some of the shit going on right now, I would. Trust me. I wish it was that farking simple. I really do.

I’m sure things will eventually, last minute, work themselves out and all will be well.
But until then?
Please, for the love of dear, sweet baby Jesus, don’t tell me to just not think/worry about it.

Just like everyone else, life got twisted, turned upside down and time just gets away from me.

And now I have the Fresh Prince theme song stuck in my head…

Here’s the quick and dirty run down of what’s been going on at Casa de Vino.

B had some kind of crazy, fluke breathing issue that has still yet to be diagnosed. Despite two ER visits 6 hours apart, an overnight hospital stay, pulmonary function testing and multiple doctor appointments. We’re waiting on a June appointment with a specialist to see what and if the next steps are for a diagnosis.

B got a promotion! He is back to first shift after 6-ish months on 2nd. And not a moment too soon for me…

My schedule changed. I’m still working 20-ish hours a week in D’s daycare, but I’m now working back to back days leaving me with a 5 day weekend which is absolutely nothing to complain about!

D is growing like a weed. I cannot believe he will be 17 months old on Friday. Seriously. How the hello did that happen? He loves cars, trucks, anything that makes noise and everything to do with playing outside. He talks a lot… just not in English. Which I’m actually pretty worried about.

In related news, those mother effing Matchbox Cars hurt like a son of a beach when you step on them.

My house is still a mess, but not as much as it has been in the past. I’m making a conscious effort to make picking up the house each night and actually folding and putting away the laundry more of a priority. *Those damn Matchbox Cars were a large influencer of the nightly pick up. Seriously, ouch!*

Spring seems to have finally sprung here in Michigan and we’ve had some b-e-a-utiful, sunshine filled days recently. Hallelujah. Can ingest an amen?!

The weather has been dreary, cold and super snowy in Michigan. For the last 6275682452 months…

Hubster has been working a 3-11:30pm 2nd shift for the last 6 months or so leaving me running solo 6 days a week.

Y’all, it is getting to me.

I’m feeling lonely, old, tired and more than a little frumpy.

It feels like my life and my house are just a hot mess.

The perfect storm of suck.

One night while I was browsing Pinterest in an attempt to stay awake long enough to see Hubs I came across a pin for a DIY shellac-esque manicure.

I love, LOVE, LOVE getting mani/pedis. Love it. But I can’t rationalize spending $50 every couple of weeks to getting my nails done. And I’m pretty sure an active, semi-destructive, climbing machine of a 15 month old wouldn’t exactly make the experience relaxing. And truthfully, as much as I absolutely adore my son, I spend 24/7 with D and there are days I need some me time.

This pin was amazing and I couldn’t wait to try it. I put D in the car and off to Sally Beauty Supply we went.

This Momma takes every opportunity I can to get out of the house!

Sally’s didn’t have one of the products I needed. I have been diligently calling Sally’s every Wednesday for the past month waiting to see if the out of stock, backordered had come in yet.

This morning I gave in to MIL’s incessantpleas request to spend a day with D to clean my out of control house and take a shower in peace. Oh a whim I decided to quick pop in to Sally’s to see if the last thing I needed was back in stock.

There are only a few hours left of 2013. I keep seeing people posting on Facebook and Twitter about 2013 being the worst year ever. The last year may have sucked, but you are around to celebrate a new year full of possibility, wonder and no mistakes. Is life really that bad?

Looking back, 2013 has had some definite ups and downs, but I’m going to end 2013 and begin 2014 with a roof over my head, more than enough food to eat, my husband and our son. I really can’t complain.

I was only awake to ring in 2013 because there was a 3 week old baby who needed to eat.

I had no complaints about the new year until January 7th. Our less than one month old son went to the doctor because Momma didn’t think something was right to being admitted to the hospital with a medical issue requiring immediate surgery. D’s recovery didn’t go as well as hoped and we spent a few additional days in the hospital. It was bittersweet to celebrate D’s first month birthday with him in the hospital, but the day before he looked me in the eye and gave me his first genuine smile.

In February B and I had our first date night out since D was born. I had one glass of wine and a serious case of the tipsy giggles.

March had me cursing Michigan and the never-ending winter. D had his first sleepover at Grammy’s. I had the barfs and B had no more patience. Thank God for grandparents who all live 20 minutes or less away and are all willing to take D when his parents need a break!

In April there was a bomb near the finish of the Boston Marathon and our nation banded together to support the victims of the bombing and to find the people responsible. April was a busy month developmentally for D. He started rolling over on his own, started cereal and learned how to take selfies!

May brought a serious heat wave and D figured out how to roll with purpose and loved rolling under the coffee table and getting stuck under there and was sitting up on his own for extended amounts of time.

June brought summer vacation and 3 whole months with D. At his 6 month check D has finally double his lowest pre-surgery weight. B’s grandfather passed away after a quick decline due to dementia. Four years passed since my last grandparent passed away. D graduated from physical therapy after a diagnosis of torticollis (muscles on one side of his neck were shorter than the other making it difficult for him to turn his head to the left).

In July B and I celebrated our 5 anniversary, D learned to crawl and almost immediately started pulling up on the furniture and trying to stand on his own. D also earned his first black eye. 🙂

August was insanely busy. In. Sane. In the span of 7 days my sister got married, D got his first teeth (after many a sleepless night) and B’s other grandpa passed away.

In September D started walking and got four more teeth. I got multiple emails advising me on the right time to lose my virginity. Say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! That ship has more than sailed…

In October I lost my job working in the local school system and I got a dream job working in D’s daycare. D discovered a love of veggies and decided sleeping through the night was a thing of the past. I missed taking pics of D in his absolutely adorable costume for his first Halloween when he threw up all over himself, his car seat and the backseat of my car on our way to go trick or treating. No photo proof, but definitely memorable! Not my proudest Mommy moment.

November and Thanksgiving brought around the last of D’s firsts. D got to meet his Auntie Rachel, my best friend from middle school who lives out of state. My bottomless pit of a son out ate me for the first, but probably not last time.

December. D’s birthday. D’s FIRST birthday. Be still my heart. His birthday comes a week after mine and 2 weeks before B’s Christmas Day birthday. We had a small family birthday party for D and he was is spoiled absolutely rotten!

I can’t believe my baby is a whole year old. Holy crap. This first year of his life and the entire year of 2013 have absolutely flown by!

Monday was your first birthday. An entire year of being your Momma. 365 days of mostly pure bliss.

You’ve grown up SO much in your first year. You’ve gone from completely dependent on your Momma and Daddy to becoming an independent little man who wants to do it all yourself. From not being able to support your own head to a whirling dervish of motion and energy. Your mentality seems to be why walk when you can run. You are an inquisitive little thing. Every drawer and cupboard needs to be explored. You get rather irritated with the things that have baby proofed latches on them. They’re on there for your own good, I promise.

This first year has had some ups and downs, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Your birth was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my entire life. Totally worth it.

D, you have brought me more joy than I ever imagined possible. You’ve frustrated me to the near end of my patience, too. That’s when Daddy knows to take over.

I definitely haven’t been the perfect parent, but I promise I’m trying my hardest.

You are the most amazing thing I’ve ever done in my entire life and I’m so incredibly lucky to be your Momma.

My sister finally gets married! It’s been a long, long 10 month engagement. I am over the moon that my sister is getting married and starting this adventure, but her OCD, Type A personality are not making being around her terribly joyous…

I’m excited for August this year.

I’m hoping it’s different that August 2012.

I was in and out of the hospital most of the month.

During my second trimester of my wasn’t-supposed-to-happen pregnancy. The first time I was admitted for suspected appendicitis. I spent two nights on the surgical floor, just in case my appendix would rupture since my appendix was nowhere to be found on any of the imaging tests. I was discharged. It never ruptured. Thank goodness. But they never found it either.

I went back to work.

A week and a half later I was admitted again for extreme dehydration and nonstop ‘gastro issues’ after B found me passed out on the floor. I spent 5 days in the hospital trying to figure out what was causing my issues before it was determined I had an intestinal parasite and food poisoning. And was put on bed rest until the parasite was gone. D was born in December. It was March before my symptoms were under control enough to be released back to work.

Neither of those are experiences I’d like to relive.

I really didn’t think August was going to be an issue. August 1st took my by surprise and all of a sudden I remembered being in the ER and being told that they thought I had appendicitis and being pregnant could post some interesting risks for removal. I had flashbacks to being in the back of the ambulance and terrified something was wrong with my son and willing the contractions (from being so dehydrated) to stop. I have never been so insanely scared in my entire life.

A week and a half after D discovered his ability to crawl, he decided to pulling up on furniture, toys and people was the next cool thing to do. I swear, this child is a daredevil. He crawled over to the couch, pulled up to standing, crawled up in to my lap, crawled up me and started crawling along the back of the couch. The BACK OF THE COUCH! Mr. Adventurous was really proud of himself. And really pissed when I took him off and told him NO!

My mother is doing some remodeling of her house and came across this gem.

This is me. D definitely looks like his Momma!

No big deal, just Daddy and D watching some sporting event sans shirts.

First time crawling over to Momma and standing up.

Mommy and Daddy had a night out for a wedding and D spent the night at G&G Vino’s for the first time. Too bad we didn’t get a pic of us together. But not really… B’s jacket was awful. I have zero idea why he thought a blue plaid blazer was going to be a fashionable choice.

It’s amazing what a shower, doing your hair and putting on some makeup will do to one’s self esteem.

I’ll leave you with one of my all time fave D pics. He had an adorable, huge, gummy, cheesy smile going on. And then he saw the flash.

D is not a fan of flash photography.

Yes, I am the mom who doesn’t dress her child unless going out in public. Totally cuts down on laundry. Plus it was so. stinkin’. hot. in Michigan this week.