'DWTS' Recap: How Many Times Can One Person Say Ew?

The fifth episode of the 11th Seasonof Dancing With the Stars of gave us the world's lamest theme -- TV theme songs!

Yes, seriously.

Wait, so you mean I'm watching a TV show that's all about TV shows? How deep! How meta! And yet, shockingly (!) it didn't work.

Have you ever seen a foxtrot set to the Brady Bunch theme song ("Here's the story of a lovely lady who was bringing up three very lovely girls ...")? No? Well, you never need to. Trust me on this one.

I seriously thought I was going to pass out when Florence Henderson revealed that she and her TV son Greg (Barry Williams) once had a little tryst and then it got even worse when they danced together sensually and relived it.

File under: images I will never be able to pluck from memory no matter how badly I will want to.

Silly me. Last week I mistakenly believed that The Situation's departure meant that we would no longer be subject to horrifying moments of shame and disgust on the show.

I was wrong.

Audrina Patridge, who is lovely and hard-bodied and who I might have more than a passing interest in if I actually knew who she was, also had some nasty moments for us.

She and Tony have to dance a Hills-themed rumba. This is apparently the show she was on, though I never watched it, which is likely why I have no clue who she is. The song, however, I do know. "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield.

The dance was fine, but the rumba -- "like making love on the dance floor," as Patridge explained -- was made more repellent by Tony's earlier suggestion that the two of them eat onions and garlic to lighten the mood and make their sensual closeness funnier.

Huh?

The scene of Audrina downing an onion like an apple was enough to make me retch and it seemed the audience agreed. Seriously, yuck.

She's cute, but totally wooden. It's like she got too much Botox for her own good and it has paralyzed her brain along with most of her facial muscles ... unless you tell me she had a stroke in which case I will feel guilty for mocking her.

Bristol and Mark danced to the Monkees theme and started in gorilla suits, which is about all I think I need to say about that. Jennifer was knocked down to number two by Brandy and Maks, who seem much happier now than they were and danced a Friends-themed quick step to prove it.