Mere hours after their media day staredown erupted into an all out brawl, Jon Jones and Daniel Cormier appeared on ESPN’s Sportscenter to issue the standard apologies/continue shit-talking each other, and boy oh boy did the champ change his tune. I mean, literally. For a guy who was nearly inciting a riot during the scuffle and taunting Cormier on Instagram in the moments afterward, Jones sounded as if he was on the verge of falling asleep while atoning on ESPN’s flagship program:

You know, first of all, I’d like to give an apology to the MGM Grand, and all the fans, and all the kids who saw that. Definitely not proud of what happened today. What happened was, we had a face-off, and in the UFC it’s very common to see two athletes get very close in their face-offs; our heads touch, our nose rubs together, it’s very intimate, very passionate moment for a lot of fighters. I’ve actually never had a fighter put his hands on me by squeezing my throat. I reacted in self defense by beating up Daniel.

As you might expect, Cormier was having none of Jones’ patented fakeness and plain creepy understanding of pre-fight faceoffs…

First off, I have actually never heard a fight get described as intimate and passionate; I have no idea what Jonny Jones is talking about. First off, you’re right. People do get close to each other. But they don’t put their head against yours and nudge you forward. In my lifetime, I will never, ever, allow a man, I don’t care if it’s Mike Tyson in his prime, I don’t care if it’s Vladimir Klitschko, no one will ever nudge me forward with their head and not expect a reaction.

I have a son; I will teach my son to never allow anyone to bully him. Jon Jones will never bully me. Jon Jones is apologizing, hey I’m glad he apologized; I apologize for our actions, but it’s so fake. Jon Jones, he’s a fake individual and he’s a fake person, and I’m going to beat him up on September 27.

Whatever. He’s weak. He’s a punk, he’s a liar, he’s a whole bunch of things he shouldn’t be proud about being.

BOOM ROASTED.

We’ll update you on the fallout from this passionate lovers quarrel as it develops. In the meantime, check out this email floating around that was allegedly sent from Dana White to Jones calling for today’s brawl. It is most likely fake, by which I mean it is 100% fake, but still, funny nonetheless.