3/25/14

Whatever You Do, DO NOT Give This To A Toddler.

April McCormick

DO NOT under any circumstance, hand your phone over to a toddler. If you do, it will be gone. Forever. As in, bye bye phone. The toddler will become obsessed with it, NOTHING will compare. They will search you, your pockets, handbag... EVERYWHERE, until they find their precious. And when they find it, your...

Calls-Missed... Except those from people you are trying to avoid. They answer those calls.

Texts-Replied to with something similar to this, 'shjd;$@!32'- (Actual text sent by my toddler)

Apps-Gone. Poof! Take screenshots of your phone pages so you can easily figure out what Apps have been compromised.

Social Media- New friends requests will be sent. In-laws unfriended. Wars started.

Should you fail to heed this warning, and hand your phone over to a toddler...

DO NOT Panic-...once you completely and utterly hate yourself for the poor choice. Panicking will cause you to make more poor choices.

DO NOT Chase After Them in an attempt to get it back. Most likely they will think it's a game and begin laughing wildly at you, whilst out running and mocking you.

DO NOT Scare Them-Once they see the anger in your eye, and realize the game is over, that is when they scramble for a hiding spot. This is where things get very dangerous for the phone.

BACK OFF! If you are coming up to a body of water during the chase, STOP! The toilet is not where you want this to end, and they are more than happy to go for that. In fact, just back off the chase all together; it will not end well for your phone. Most likely, the toddler will panic when you get close, and try launch the phone with everything their little Peyton Manning arm has got. So should you be near an area that provides a large drop, hard surface, or deep opening when the phone is launched, its game over for your phone. So again I say, BACK OFF!

Play Dead. Your best bet is to play dead, while your toddler calms down in a quiet corner with their precious phone... and then MOVE IN! Grab it back.

REDIRECT-If you want this acquisition of your property to go smoothly, you will need a redirect object, something like a cupcake, cookie, ice cream cone, chocolate or candy should suffice. Try to make the switch so fast they notice the cupcake before the loss of the phone.

NOW RUN! Once you have your phone back, RUN... to the nearest toy store and by something resembling the phone or a tablet, and pray like you have never prayed before that the new phone will work. If it does not, sorry my friend, the damage is done. Go get your toddler their own phone/tablet and thank your lucky stars you made it out with all of your fingers and limbs...

Note: According to the 'Property Laws of a Toddler' (see below) anything, once handed over to a toddler, will become THEIR property. The minute you try to take back THEIR property, all toddler hell will break loose. Think: Hell Hath No fury! Your toddler will loose it all over you, innocent bystanders, roaming animals, furniture, food... pretty much anything within ear and arms reach will be subject to that hell. To prevent further mishaps, read the following list carefully...

The Property Laws of a Toddler. (I didn't make this up, another genius did.)

April is an award-winning writer and blogger. Her work has been published in over ten countries and four languages. From books to newspapers, to print/online magazines and everything in between, you can find her work. For more on April, Visit AprilMcCormick.com