If there's one thing I've learned, after five years of writing for this site, it's that no woman would ever want to see Robert Downey, Jr. make out with Jude Law on film. That's just gross. Repugnant. An affront to heterosexual women! Blech.

Indeed, I have to agree with Michael Medved, former critic of The New York Post, that bastion of intellectual open-mindedness and manhood. Possibly, Guy Ritchie's version of Sherlock Holmes has put an evil, God-hating gay spin on the relationship between Sherlock (RDJ) and Watson (Jude Law). And according to Downey, Jr. -- who may or not be taking the piss -- his character will sleep with and get all sweaty with Law's Watson.

"We're two men who happen to be roommates, wrestle a lot and share a bed. It's bad-ass," Downey told Britain's News of the World. Added much-in-the-news Law: "Guy wanted to make this about the relationship between Watson and Holmes. They're both mean and complicated."

In response to that nugget of heathenism, Medved responded:

"There's not a seething, bubbling hunger to see straight stars impersonating homosexuals," Medved told us. "I think they're just trying to generate controversy . . . They know that making Holmes and Watson homosexual will take away two-thirds of their box office. Who is going to want to see Downey Jr. and Law make out? I don't think it would be appealing to women. Straight men don't want to see it."

Exactly! Straight women would be appalled. Just like straight men could not stomach the thought of Rosario Dawson making out with Rachel Weisz. Ewwwww. My stomach turns just thinking about it. All that groping. And fondling. And soft-caressing of the genital area. The warm coos and ahhhhs, the writhing spasms, the soft-passionate kissing, the grabbing of buttocks and the removal of bras and the screams of ecstasy.