You know when sportsmen or women get stupid injuries, like when they break their leg falling off a ladder or trip on a glossy magazine or something? Well, I’m not gonna giggle at that sort of thing any more. I was outside my mate John’s front door the other day, wiping my feet on the mat, and suddenly, I felt a searing pain in my toe. I’d wiped a bit too hard and I’d managed to kick the concrete doorstep. Ou-fucking-ch!

Being a man, I expect a lot of sympathy, so if you could pass me the remote control, plump up the pillows, bring me some tomato soup, a Guardian, a coffee from Starbucks, and perhaps a Scotch egg in the comments, that’d be great.