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Skripal affair hands Southgate a lifeline

Following Theresa May’s ultimatum to Russia in the wake of the Sergei Skripal affair, Gareth Southgate is thought to be counting down the hours, desperate for Vladimir Putin to ignore the PM, so the team may then be instructed by government to withdraw from the World Cup Finals this Summer.

Speaking to Gary Lineker he said: ‘The lads have had a tough season already and the nation’s exceptions, hopes and dreams are with them. But we’ll inevitably crash and burn as usual’.

‘So this piece rather timely diplomatic brinkmanship may just work in our favour and give us an easy way out. That way fans and pundits alike can spend the whole tournament speculating that ‘if only our heroes hadn’t been forced to pull out by that useless dollop of lard, Boris Johnson’ then we would’ve easily won the tournament.’

The PM has also announced that Wales, Northern Ireland and Scotland had ‘pre-emptively’ boycotted the World Cup in anticipation of the nerve gas poisoning last week. ‘We knew they’d do something, so we were totally prepared. Further anticipatory boycotts for future major championships are a ‘strong possibility’ and in the case of Scotland, ‘almost certain’, she added.