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Topic: RSVPing to Tentative Plans (Read 2515 times)

Before Christmas, I received four of what I'd call tentative invitations for New Year's Eve. "Hey mbbored, I might throw a small party for NYE. You interested?" I say, sure, keep me updated.

On Friday the 28th, I got a text from one of those friends confirming that she would in fact be having a small party. I happily replied "Yes!"

On Saturday the 29th, I had two other people text me to confirm that they would be in town and having a party after all. I replied to both, thanking them but saying I had already made plans. One person said great and offered to meet for brunch on the 1st. The other person was offended because in her mind, I had already RSVPed yes.

So, was I rude? Does a prior tentative invitation supersede a definite one later?

I don't think so. Tentative plans are not finalized plans - they are subject to change; nothing is guaranteed. If you had made definite plans with your friend and then cancelled to accept another invitation, then she would have a leg to stand on. Since you and your friend had made only tentative plans, you had every right to accept a definite invitation. They who hesitate, hesitate alone, I always say.

"I'm sorry you're disappointed, but when I hadn't heard anything X days before the date, I assumed that you'd decided not to have a party and I made other plans."

Possibly next time when you receive a tentative invite, treat your acceptance in the same light: "Well, right NOW I'm free, and if you have a party, I'd love to come. So when you firm things up, let me know for sure, and if I'm still free at that point, put me down as a yes." The implication is that you're not reserving the night for her party until you hear for sure. Or if you think the person would still act dense or be deliberately clueless, you could say something blunt like, "I'm going to feel free to make other plans until I hear for sure that you're definitely having a party."

The other person was offended because in her mind, I had already RSVPed yes.

So, was I rude? Does a prior tentative invitation supersede a definite one later?

A prior, tentative invitation supercedes a definite later one ONLY for people pathetically waiting by the phone for people who really don't care about them.

The 'other person' can keep on being offended because if they decided not to do anything, would they understand why you'd be upset with them? No, they'd probably say '...but we didn't have definite plans...' and they'd be RIGHT!

I like GrammarNerd's response: "Well, right NOW I'm free, and if you have a party, I'd love to come. So when you firm things up, let me know for sure, and if I'm still free at that point, put me down as a yes." The implication is that you're not reserving the night for her party until you hear for sure.

You're in the clear. She wanted to you wait around just in case she happened to be in town and having a party? Best of luck to her.

I'm having a last-minute gathering that I only told people about today, but I'm billing it as "I know this is last-minute, but anyone who has no plans and would LIKE to have plans." Three people have decided to join, and to me that's just awesome as all I really want is to toast the new year with a handful of people I like and care about. There are always a few people around who might otherwise have a boring evening at home. But I would never ask anyone to hold the date just in case, while I weighed out all my options.

AAAANNNDDD . . . accepting tentative plans that fall through at the last minute is exactly why I'm staying home alone tonight.

I turned down other invites because I felt the prior tentative invite was going to come to fruition. Calling other people at this point, saying "My plans fell through, can I still come to your party?" is ettiquettly unacceptable, to me.