Pregnancy and Loss

In case of a miscarriage, stillbirth, or death of a new baby, the sense of loss can be overwhelming. Here's how to cope.

Dear Rebbetzin,

My precious daughter carried a perfect little 'angel' for exactly nine months. Two days after due date, she suddenly did not feel life and upon rushing to the hospital, was told that the baby had died.

Why oh why, does my child have to suffer this immeasurable pain? I understand the 'mystical' side here and that they were chosen to carry this soul, but my pain, as a mother, watching my precious daughter give birth, knowing that this 'angel' was no longer alive, is so indescribably painful, that for months I thought I could never wake up again.

My daughter did everything so perfectly throughout her pregnancy. Never for one moment did we imagine that anything like this would happen. During her entire pregnancy, I prayed for this baby to be born healthy and well. What good were all my fervent prayers?

Since there is no funeral, no shiva and no Kaddish, how does one actually 'mourn' for this loss? I felt that there was no conclusion to the grief – it just went on and on with nothing to console me. To any woman who has carried a child for nine months with all the trials and discomfort, to suddenly be 'empty' with nothing – how much more painful can anything be in this world?

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Rebbetzin Feige replies:

Your pain is palpable, real, and totally understandable, especially to those of us who have shared the agonizing experience of losing a baby at or prior to birth.

Intellectual, religious, and Kabbalistic insight don't assuage the pain or speak directly to the bleeding heart. The Mishnah so wisely advises: "Do not try to comfort the mourner, as long as the deceased is still before him." There are no arguments, rationales, or theories that can address suffering and pain which are emotional expressions of the heart. The heart and mind deal in totally different currencies.

The wound is too fresh and raw. What reason cannot do, time will eventually accomplish.

Nonetheless, borrowing from the verse in the Shema: "these words shall be placed upon your heart" – a commentary suggests that it would have been better articulated if we were charged to "place the words within your heart." There are times, such as a grievous loss, that our hearts are not open or ready to absorb words of reason. The wound is too fresh and too raw. This thought is captured by the wise Yiddish adage: "What mind and reason cannot do, time will eventually accomplish." And when time has exercised its healing effect, the words that we were unable to relate to – that we had placed "upon" our hearts – will then penetrate, be heard, and support the healing process.

Realms of Eternity

For the duration of the nine months of pregnancy, a woman has the unparalleled privilege of carrying and nurturing new life within her. She feels alive and creative. The death of the newborn, whether prior to or at the time of birth is a heartbreaking and grotesque betrayal of the primal maternal instinct. Death and sadness are the very antithesis of the life and joy she legitimately anticipated bringing into the world.

The Jewish mystical tradition informs that every soul enters this world with a mission. The context and challenges of a person's life provide the necessary tools to discharge the raison d'etre of this individual. Our definition of what is "good" or "bad" in life conforms to our finite vision and limited experience in the here and now. The Kabbalistic view, in contrast, encompasses past, present, and future – both our temporal world and the supernal realms of eternity. The "full picture" is not within our human grasp. In the framework of ultimate reality, this little soul might have completed its journey, its mission in its brief nine months sojourn in-utero.

Your daughter, perhaps paradoxically, precisely because she was not blessed with the joys of raising this child, provided a totally loving and selfless environment for this soul to finish its work and achieve its eternal peace. In this vein, the definition of "life" is expanded. Providing the eternal peace and serenity to a soul whose life's objective has thus been completed can certainly, from a spiritual prospective, be seen as a conferral of "life" of the highest order.

God's ways are inscrutable, beyond our comprehension.

God's ways are inscrutable, beyond our comprehension. But it is a fundamental principle of our faith that He knows what He is doing. There is consolation in the certainty that this was not a meaningless fate – nor that it was an arbitrary occurrence. There is purpose and meaning to everything that happens.

This brings to mind the classic exchange between Sir Bertrand Russell and a cleric. Russell commented, "I cannot believe in a God in whose world a child cries out in pain." To which the cleric responded, "As for me, I cannot believe in a world in which a child cries out in pain and there is no God to justify it."

You describe so beautifully your children's excited anticipation and attendant religious ceremonies, juxtaposed by the subsequent poignant pain of loss and deprivation. Your description resounds with that age-old and ever-prevalent question of "why them?" Why do the righteous have to suffer?

The Talmud tells us that this very question was presented to God by Moses, whose prophetic powers are unrivaled in history. The text relates that the Almighty answered Moses with the words, "No man can look upon my face and live," meaning that no mortal can comprehend God's just but unfathomable governance of the world. Ultimately, only God, who has the master plan for the destiny of humankind, can answer that question.

As for us, we have to do our thing – choose to celebrate the good in life, attempting day by day to get a longer glimpse of the sun shining, and closer bonding with spouse, parents, family, and friends.

Mourning Rituals

There are many questions about the provisions in Jewish law – halacha – and Jewish practice attending the loss of a baby prior, during, or following birth.

The rituals of shiva – the 7-day mourning period, eulogy, public burial, Kaddish, Yizkor, and gravestone unveiling are not observed for a baby who did not reach the age of 30 days. Two explanatory points are in order:

(1) The soul that has not survived the 30 days in this world is certainly of no less significance. However, their soul is not seen as having had a presence in the social and communal parameters of conventional existence. The above rituals are seen as public manifestations directly related to the impact on the community and society, and since this child did not have an existence, presence, or role within these parameters, rituals such as these would be superfluous and inappropriate.

(2) One must not see this as a reflection on the preciousness of this soul. This soul, as mentioned before, completed its mission, and while its existence is not acknowledged in a public modality, it is celebrated in the place it will forever occupy – in the hearts and minds of the parents of whom it was an integral part, and by the Almighty from whose essence it was hewn.

To benefit the little soul, parents have dedicated learning, acts of charity, and self-improvement.

We must remember that our culture gives undue attention and importance to what is public, but for Jews the private and the personal has always been the domain venerated and respected as being the more authentic. I have known parents who in lieu of public ceremonies and in a desire to benefit this little soul, have dedicated learning, acts of charity, and the assumption of self-improvement modalities.

One rabbi and teacher, upon the loss of his own baby, painstakingly developed a comprehensive, Torah-based curriculum for grieving parents. He has presented this to hundreds of families who have received this desperately-needed guidance and comfort based on wisdom and expertise. Perhaps, he suggested, this was the contribution, the gift that his child's loss had brought to the world. Without the loss, he said, none of this would have happened.

It must be noted that the absence of a public ritual may leave friends and family at a loss as how to respond. It does not however, relieve them from extending expression of sympathy and caring – a card, a call, an offer of assistance, etc. We dare not allow the bereaved to feel shunned and abandoned in their time of grief.

Dealing with Death

There is the cultural and generational gap between grieving practices of today and yesteryear. In both Europe and America, death was always very much an everyday, hands-on part of life. Infant mortality was very high and in an effort to encourage moving on with their lives, members of the burial society would unceremoniously remove the miscarried and stillborn from the home and bring them to proper burial. Since they had a healthy way of dealing with death, rituals and ceremonies did not seem to be necessary.

In our culture, there is an illusion perpetrated that if we are lucky, death does not have to be a part of life. Hence we have a tangible discomfort with the concept of death. We seek to keep it at a distance. It is kept sterile and anesthetized, and perhaps it is this discomfort that necessitates rituals for psychological closure.

A fetus born with a recognizable human form should be given a name before being buried.

Common practice recommended by grief counselors in hospitals everywhere suggests seeing and holding the deceased baby. Though picture taking provides a sterile image of the soul that was, some may find it therapeutic. For some, these practices lend realty and confirm at an emotional level that the nine months of gestation did indeed produce a real baby. Other rituals, seen as acts of possible closure, if deemed helpful, are not objectionable. It would however, be advisable to seek the guidance of a qualified rabbi.

There are many customs regarding naming the baby before burial. A fetus born with a recognizable human form should be given a name before being buried. Some suggest choosing a name that one would not use in the future for other children. Others suggest names that are expressive of the themes of consolation (Nechama) or mercy (Rachamim). Yet others have the custom of naming this child with a name they would hope to give in the future, but modified at that time by an additional name.

Lessons of the Sages

My friend Judy, who lost a baby at birth, sought the advice of a renowned sage. He inquired about her family and asked her how many children she had. She responded that she had 2 sons, ages 3 and 6, but that she had also had a daughter, Esther, who would have now been 8 years old. The sage gently but very sternly and empathetically corrected her. "No," he said, "Esther would never have been 8 years old. She wasn't meant to live or have a presence in this world."

As hard as we try, it is difficult for us to disabuse ourselves of the illusion, the mistaken notion that these, our babies, were unrealized and unactualized potential. Coming to terms with the certainty that they were not meant to be, spares us the torturous self-blaming trips we subject ourselves to. The "if-only" trips: if only I'd had a better doctor, if only hadn't exerted myself, if only I had prayed more, if only I had been a better person, etc.

While positive steps toward self-improvement are always beneficial, blaming yourself and others is counterproductive and totally off the mark.

Rabbi Moses Feinstein, of blessed memory, a revered halachic authority of the past half century, unequivocally states in his responsa that all that issues from the union between husband and wife, while unviable in this world, will be united with their mother in the future, with the coming of the Messiah and the resurrection of the dead.

Rabbi Yaakov Weinberg, of blessed memory, in consoling one of his students who had just buried his oldest child, told him that the merit of his family, in being the crucible through which this soul found its peace, would make possible blessings for the entire family that were heretofore obstructed and could not have been possible. The student reports that indeed the child born thereafter was very special and that many other unexplainable and remarkable shifts occurred in his extended family shortly thereafter. The merit of being the vehicle for enabling the rectification of a soul, painful though it was, was rewarded. It opened doors of joy for many.

My daughter Yocheved lives in Manchester, England. Over the years, I was privileged to hear about and on one occasion to meet the saintly Rosh Yeshiva of Manchester, Rabbi Segal. He was that enviable combination of extraordinary Torah knowledge and a human being of magnificent proportions. His humility was legendary. He was accessible to all, and people flocked from everywhere to seek his wise counsel. He was vital up to the last moments of his life, and upon his passing, they found that he had left instructions declining burial in Israel or other desirable family plots. He requested to be buried in the lot reserved for and among the miscarried, stillborn, and very young departed children.

It seemed that his purpose was twofold. The first was that these were the purest and most exalted of souls and he sought the privilege of making his eternal rest among them. The second was that Rabbi Segal wanted to assure the mothers who had not had the opportunity or the joy to care for these children, that he would care for them until they would be reunited with their families at the time to come.

Never Quite The Same

Some practical notes are in order. The postpartum condition of weight gain and hormone fluctuation can be challenging even in the best of times, but certainly when there is no baby to love and care for. There is no compensatory factor, only the negative effects of pregnancy. In recognition of this, the family needs to be especially sensitive, understanding, and patient with the process of recovery.

Your daughter needs to help herself by actively seeking ways to promote her own well-being; a vacation with her husband, new scenery, exercise, a class she has been wanting to take, reading, writing, meditation. Constructive pursuits will give her something of a growth mode that will have been born and nurtured in a time that has been punctuated by death and loss. She needs to know that her roller coaster emotions are normal and will abate with time and eventual healing.

Finally, while no one deliberately seeks adversity, there is a profound well of sensitivity, creativity, and wisdom that only deep pain can excavate from the recesses of our being. We are never quite the same. What we have endured and overcome makes us bigger, stronger, and wiser. A secular writer echoes this very sentiment when he asks: "Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?"

Though there were times when we thought we would not survive the pain, we find out that situations such as these can bring us closer to God and closer to our loved ones. And we realize that we are resilient and equal to life despite – or perhaps even because of – its pitfalls.

Rebbetzin Feige Twerski of Milwaukee, Wisconsin has devoted her life to Jewish education and Outreach, giving lectures worldwide on a myriad of Judaic subjects. She is a mother of 11 children, and many grandchildren whose number she refuses to divulge. She serves as the Rebbetzin along side her husband, Rabbi Michel Twerski, of Congregation Beth Jehudah of Milwaukee.

To anyone seeing this at any point who has experienced the devastation that is pregnancy, stillbirth, and infant, loss, please look me up and contact me as we have a wonderful online support group for Jewish mothers.
Please also know that halacha treats these neshamot with every honor they would that of a 100 year old person. Rashi only says that shiva is not required, though can be elective, for a whole myriad of reasons. Remember also that the mother is within 30 days of birth and is considered within danger to her life as well.
If you know someone who has suffered infant loss, please know that it is the loss of a child in every way. Please treat the parents with the same sensitivity you would any bereaved parent and dont expect their recovery to be any shorter.
To any parent, your child will change you and through the hard work of grief, and the change that brings, also comes the comfort. Dont be afraid of the grief. Embrace it. Its not time that heals, as much as YOU change and become better equipped at growing around that loss at your core. Remember that your relationship with your child is still dynamic and that of a parent, even after death. You will find them through deeds on their behalf, prayer, and the changes they make in you. Make sure to know where your child is buried and go visit -- it is cathartic and the closure this grandmother speaks of. And seek out other bereaved parents. They will become your new inner circle. It's a club no one wants to belong to, but one that comes with tremendous 'superpowers.' You will discover these eventually, but for the first six months at least, dont expect anything from yourself, but to put one foot in front of the other. Thats it. Dont even think too hard. Just get through your basic day and youre doing great.
To the grandmother above, you are already a cut above by feeling the depth of your child's pain. Thank you for that. Please help educate so other parents can also know how 2 be there for their children.

(20)
S,
February 16, 2013 10:00 PM

Grieving Advice?

This week we lost our 32 week old perfect angel. Feeling devastated and lost and would appreciate any advice/books from someone who has been thru a similar devastating experience. TIA.

(19)
RMAC,
September 16, 2007 9:36 PM

Living through this nightmare

I am so grateful for this article. My baby was born still on 8-4-07 at 39 weeks 2 days. I am plagued with guilt, with the questions of why and will this happen again? We named our baby Pelli Leah. My husband and I were able to hold her and take pictures, although I am unable to look at them yet. She was beautiful and perfect. We had a small funeral where we said tehillim. I am still completely devastated, but this article is something I will refer to over and over again as I try to heal. Thank you.

(18)
Esther,
January 18, 2007 12:56 PM

Don't forget to ask shaylas

This was such a sensitive article and I feel for all women who have responded with their personal situations. I just wanted to add to some of those comments, however, that it would seem that you should consult a rav in these times. And specifically one who is an expert in these areas who will also know how to respind in a sensitive way.

(17)
YaelResnick,
November 11, 2006 10:37 PM

more articles on this topic in Natural Jewish Parenting

Thank you for a beautiful article that will G-d willing help many people. I agree that the topic of miscarriage and stillbirth needs to be discussed more openly; for many parents, these painful losses may be magnified because they feel they are facing them alone and without support. In two recent issues of Natural Jewish Parenting magazine (#11 and #12) I ran a two-part special section dealing with pregnancy loss and infertility from a Jewish perspective.

(16)
Anonymous,
November 9, 2006 3:22 AM

Hi Rebbetzin:I just read your letter to the bereaved grandmother--that wa absolutely beautiful. You captured the tortures of losing a child in a vary uncanny way. I could not have, even having lost a child myself, described the experience any more accurately. I thought your piece on disavowing yourself of expectations was particularly poignant. While I was sitting Shivah, my wife and I commented that no one, upon losing a 90 year old parent, talks of the opportunities lost and how a life got wasted. It is truly important to focus on what you had, not what you didn't....but expectations and expectancies make that very difficult at times. BTW- the book Blessings of Broken Heart by Sheri Mandel is a very good read for bereaved parents. Anyway, thank you again for your (once again) inspiring words.

(15)
carolyn,
November 7, 2006 1:42 PM

Thank you

With our daughters loss of her first child in her ninth month there was no knowledge for any of us as what to do to comfort her and her husband. At that time people lost patience with the sadness of the parents in a short time. The baby was buried unceremoniously without a name. To me it was so cold and painful. Had I read an article like the one you had today on pregnancy and loss I would have been able to understand and help others to understand the pain young people feel with such a loss. It was a fine helpful article for those who are suffering such a loss and for the families. Thank you,

(14)
Anonymous,
November 5, 2006 12:56 PM

RE : Story

HI to whom it may concern,I read your story,It is touching,But as for myself,I do know what it is klike to lose a child,before and birth.I've had 3 abortions and 1 miscarry durning my 3 1/2 mos pregnancy,so I really can-not say too much about your story.I am not happy or upset about what I did,but people think that I should be upset or sad,and for what ?If you ask me life does go on,and that is what I believe in,Thank-you, Josie

(13)
ZisselKeller,
November 5, 2006 11:01 AM

We Grew from Our Loss

In November 1984, I had a 5th c-section for the delivery of a stillborn baby boy. This was after many hours of labor. I want to share a few remarks: 1. My OB said to my husband, if your wife had been scheduled by a doctor 2 weeks ago, you would have a living baby. My husband's response was that if it was not meant for the baby to be in this world, he would have died anyhow. 2. My father, zatzal, told me that I should not think that the baby was taken as a punishment. He assured me that there was a Neshoma that needed a Tikun of 9 months in an 'Isha Keshaira' and Ha'kadosh Boruch Hu chose me. Of course, I still was very sad and we both cried over our loss but I was consoled by the knowledge that Hashem has a master plan and I would BE"H go on to more healthy children. In the next 9 years I did B"H give birth to 5 more children (all without surgery!!) and I feel very blessed by Hashem. Be strong, allow yourself to cry, and I hope that you will also BE"H see much nachas from other children from your daughter in the future! Refuah Shleimah!

(12)
Symoane,
March 29, 2006 12:00 AM

Why God!!!

I am writing this to let all know that even though i did not carry my baby for the whole nine months - the pain is no less. On March 21 I vaginally delivered my daughter at 19 weeks and 5 days. She was so beautiful (completely formed except her eyes were not open yet but one could clearly see that they were getting ready to) Unfortunately I had to deliver my baby becase my immune system was greatly supressed and the Drs feared that septis (spelling?) would spread though ny body and kill me. My water broke 3 day before she was born, she had no fluids. If my life would not of have been on the line I would of continued to carry her knowing that the chances were great that she would not survive. I gave my baby girl a name and I will bury her with a complete funeral this weekend. I don't think I will ever be able to truly understand why but I take comfort in knowing that God wanted and loved her more and I guess He saw that I needed an angel more that needed a baby.

(11)
Victoria D,
March 17, 2005 12:00 AM

I am carrying a non viable baby right now

I am 36 weeks pregnant; at 20 weeks, upon receiving the sonogram, I found out that my baby had a multicystic dyplastic kidney (the other kidney couldn't be found), and no amniotic fluid. With this condition, the baby had no chance to survive. The high risk specialist informed me that it would either strangle itself and die in my womb, or if I carried to full term, live a few minutes or hours and die.

It's my first baby. I got married last July. I decided not to solicit a second opinion (why confirm a diagnosis? why force an open miracle?) I wanted to keep the situation as vague as possible.

I had to schedule a 36 weeks sonogram so the doctors would know what to do when I went into labor. Since my pregnancy seems to have progressed normally, and I received positive words from Gedolim, I did have hope the something might have changed.

It was status quo. At 36 weeks, my baby is measuring at 31 weeks (I do look more like I'm in my 7-8th month than 9th). It has no kidneys or lungs and there is no fluid. There are other deformities as well.

The baby is also breach, and cannot turn around since there is no fluid. If this was a healthy baby, it would have to be delivered by C-section. The decision I have to make right now is whether to have the C-section and save the baby, for whatever hours or minutes it might live (but then I'd be limited with the number of future pregnancies I could go through), or protect myself and future pregnancies and let this baby come out vaginally, even though the likelihood of it dying during labor is greater.

(10)
rifky w,
December 28, 2004 12:00 AM

I lost 2 babies

I lost a little girl when I was in my 8th month. she would have been my third child and the pain my husband and I endured was practically unbearable. Never did we dream that after delivering a beautiful healthy girl 2 years later once again I lost a little boy in my 7th month. This time however I knew from the moment i conceived that this baby was not going to make it! during a routine sonogram the Drs. urged me to "get an abortion". I did not tell my husband nor ask a rov! I emphatically stated if Hashem wants me to carry this baby I will and if its meant to die Hashem will take it away from me. The Drs. ranted and raved until I finally gave in to get a second opinion. an appointment was made and the next few days I said tehillim around the clock asking Hashem to give me a sign so that I would know that my decision was right in not having the abortion. the day arrived that I went to have a high tech sonogram with the most advanced machinery and lo and behold they told me that there was nothing wrong with my baby boy. Hashem had performed a miracle for me and now I knew that no matter what my drs. would say or do I would carry this child till Hashem wanted me to. During the next few months the Drs. wanted to make more sonograms to confirm the baby was Not healthy and I refused them time and again. No one knew, not even my husband what tsar I had. for I knew that this neshama had to be born I was going to do Hashems will. At 28 weeks my water broke and now I knew it was time. The Dr. came and made a sonogram and said it shows your child does not have part of his brain. I said I am ready and for two days they could not deliver the baby they gave me pitocin, tried everything untill I sent all the drs out told them that our Torah states that there is a time for everything. Please go out and I will call you when I am ready to deliver. I took out my Tehillim and cried to Hashem and then said to the child that didn't want to be delivered come little neshama, you are causing great tsar for your mother, you must have the Mitzvah of Kibud Am and right after saying that I felt a great urge to push, I called out to the Drs. and said calmly, Now I am going to deliver this child,and they could not beleive that within the next few minutes the child was born alive!!A beautiful child, however his head was not fully developed. We held this suffering little neshama, my husband and I, he lived an hour, was given a name and was buried. I now knew I had done the right thing. Hashem tested me and I had passed the test!

(9)
Sharona,
May 11, 2003 12:00 AM

I Know!

I'm 29 now and had one miscarrage right before my second trimester. I had twins 6 months before and unfortunatly I found out that I was having Gallbladder problems, so much so that it landed me in the hospital with pancreatis and had to have minor surgery. That's when I found out that I was pregnant again. I was so happy but extremly worried because of the gallbladder. The next month I was suppose to schedule a surgery for removal of my gallbladder for in my 2nd trimister. I then had a triple attack of the gallbladder and was forced to have major surgery immediatly 2 1\2 weeks later I lost the baby. So I do know what you and others like you have gone through and the only thing I could say is that time does heal just not everything. We are also trying again but I fear that because of the surgery and the miscarrage.........

(8)
Anonymous,
December 6, 2002 12:00 AM

I am 29 years old and pregnant for the second time in 6 months. I had a miscarriage a little more than 3 months ago and I have almost reached the point in my current pregnancy that I lost my other baby. I am so scared. Your article gives me some chizuk but I am still uneasy. I wish Aish.com would continue to publish articles about infertility and miscarriage. These are common events that are not discussed openly and are often considered taboo.

(7)
blanca,
November 21, 2002 12:00 AM

Afraid to try Again

I am 22yrs old and my husband and i have been trying to have a baby for 2yrs. We were refered to a OBGYN to see if there was a problem with me or if my husband was going to have to get his lil. men counted. Two weeks went by and we found out that we were finally pregnany.... I was 3 1/2 months when i went to my regular doctors appointment and the doctor could not find a heart beat... i was hospitalized right away, the next day i was having a d&c preformed. Know I'm here reading about all these people with so many problems that it scares me.... We are trying to conceive again, and I'm afraid of the dissapointments that may come....

(6)
Anonymous,
October 27, 2002 12:00 AM

Time Heals

I read the article and I was very touched. I am 38 years old and I have gone through 8 miscarriages and 1 still birth. After all the emotional ups and downs and toll on my body, I decided to get my tubal ligation. I know I made the right decision for me. I strongly feel that God didn't want me to have children and that he has other plans for me. I have learned that not all women can "be fruitful and multiple" and through healing and understanding, the pain of losing a child(ren) is easier to deal with.

(5)
Jacqui Chalom,
June 16, 2002 12:00 AM

Have great Faith!

Dear Anonymous of the June 9th. (two miscarriages in 9 months)
My heartfelt sympathy goes out to you in your indescribable loss and pain. I am the writer of the initial article wherein I describe our pain at my daughter's loss of her full term child & therefore feel your immense sadness.
DO NOT listen to anybody's advice which is not constructive. Only Hashem knows why He needed your precious souls. Obviously you and your husband are very righteous people and from YOU BOTH He 'moulded' HIS angels. EVERYTHING that you did on both occasions was PERFECTLY RIGHT. Just daven and do as much chesed as you can, keep busy with learning and listen to plenty of tapes on postitive thoughts. Nobody can say why these immensely painful situations occur therefore you are NOT to feel ANY guilt, since this is sent from Hashem. No mortal, religious or secular, has the right to predict why and how this happens. This is from Shomayim. Trust in G-d and be strong and NEVER EVER give up faith - Hashem will hear your prayers in HIS time.
I do not believe that Hashem ever says "No" - He simply says, "not yet".
G-d Bless you to be well and your most fervent payers to be answered. My prayers are with you.
Jacqui.

(4)
Anonymous,
June 9, 2002 12:00 AM

I am reading this at 2:30am because I can't sleep after having had a miscarriage last week (second in 9 months) and after having been told this afternoon that's it's a shame I didn't see the doctor earlier, maybe they could have given me something to strengthen the pregnancy. And of course last time when I did see the doctor earlier, my Rabbi shouted at me that it was her test that caused the miscarriage, and why did I go see her. So praying I get another chance, what do I do next time so that everyone is happy and I have no feelings that I should have done something else?????

(3)
Anonymous,
May 13, 2002 12:00 AM

Great article-I wish I'd had something like this 26 yrs ago

26 years ago I gave birth to a stillborn girl. There was such emptiness and while I was very sad, I don't remember much about the year following the birth. There was no counseling and people didn't talk about it as if there were some shame or it was contageous. While time has helped and I don't think "what might have been very often", this article helped put some perspective and closure to the situation. I had a 2 year old girl at the time who is now a beautiful 28 year old, married and pregnant so I feel very blessed to have been able to have her. Thank you for this article.

(2)
Anonymous,
May 6, 2002 12:00 AM

I feel with you

Only someone who has gone through the pain of nine months pregnancy without a baby can understand that terrible pain and tremendous void.
The worst were the guilty feelings wondering what I had done wrong -The best was my dear sister who paid for my husband and I to go on holiday. Twenty years later there is still a heartache but its bearable. I know it was from shomayim and it had to be. Good luck! Be Strong!

(1)
Anonymous,
May 5, 2002 12:00 AM

Good resource for loss

A great resource for all aspects of Jewish infertility, mis and pregnancy loss is A Torah Infertility Medium of Exchange...
www.atime.org