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But I did today. Last night Ty and I took a bath together in hopes that maybe I would relax. It didnt work. Maybe its because I told Ty to NOT spring for a larger bath tub and we were crammed in there. Before the bath, I went, with my $2.00 coupon to Rite Aid for a FR test… they were on sale for $13.49 or something with the wellness plus card. So I march into Rite Aid (CVS I am not cheating on you I swear!) and get a test. The girl at the counter asks if a positive would be a good thing or bad. I said Good to which she replied there was an older lady in there earlier buying one and she said bad and then said she was 55 years old. I probably would shit my pants if I was 55 and taking a pregnancy test but whatever. Good Luck to the random lady out there that I dont know. I hope whatever happens happens and everything works out okay.

Anyway, so I get this fancy digital test that says Yes or No. I pee on it. Not in Rite Aid but when I got home. After I did… this little clock icon starts blinking at me and I guess that is the three minute count down. I played Bejeweled on the bed and waited.

NO –

That is what I got. I gave it the finger.

So we take a bath and I try to relax. It doesnt work for me at all. Ty was “rubbery” and felt like he was weightless the rest of the night. Good for him right? I was still up tight and feeling shitty.

Plan of Action is to call the doctor on Friday if no period per our discussion this morning. Ty thinks I should call on Thursday to get in on Friday… I think Friday because that would be five days and I can get a blood test on Saturday morning. We decide on Friday.

After that conversation I do some light research and start to panic. Ectopic Pregnancies will not register on a test normally until 6 weeks… I freak. I dont want to risk that again. I call the doctor and leave a message.

Some Triage Nurse calls me back and I immediately do not like her because she is not Kristen. She tells me to wait it out and that it may be just a missed period. I have not MISSED a god damn period since I started getting my period in like 1994 or whenever it was. I swear. Me and my period are like THIS. 10am on or the day before I am supposed to get it. Every 32 or 33 days. LIKE THIS. I am not going to miss a god damn period lady. Trust me. She then tells me that she doesnt beleive I am at risk for another ectopic pregnancy and that I should not waste my money testing every day and to try again next week if I still dont have my period. She then tells me to call the office in two weeks if I dont have any action. TWO WEEKS.

TWO WEEKS. Sweet Jesus help me.

So I hang up, I call Tyler and tell him this. Then I read a Facebook Message that I get from a friend telling me that she pregnant and that she actually went out of state for more aggressive treatments. I am truly happy for her. She is a great mom to begin with and her kid is BEAUTIFUL. I am also truly loathing all things in the world right now. I wrote her back congratulating her and saying that as of right now we are going to wait until January to try anything other than just good old fashion sex (and temperatures and opks and acupuncture). I am happy for her but I am just so frustrated myself.

Then it happened. I dont know what happened but I started to cry in front of my boss. She said a simple request, I was not putting a work program in the single audits and she asked me to print some. But I cried instead. Now I love my boss, she is literally one of the most fun, intelligent and thoughtful people ever. Im not just saying this because she is my boss, I mean it. She has the ability to be a boss and then be a friend, and she weaves between those roles beautifully which is normally hard to do in a smaller firm. But I just start to cry. I think I needed it. I just never cry at work. I actually get mad at people when they cry at work. If I ever needed to cry, I go to the bathroom or my car but not at my desk (unless I get sent a really touching cat story which Dewey the Library Cat, UGH the last few pages of that book TORE ME APART and had me sobbing at my last job).

I have been holding it in from Tyler because I know its a very different experience to him. I also know he is stressed with his own job and we have a refinance going on as well. I know he is trying to fit as much in as possible while he can with the weather changing so fast. I know that my crying will not make him feel any better about things. I have been a wicked bitch this week, and I mean HORRIBLE. I told him I wanted to Bite him and not in a good sexy way but I seriously thought about Biting his face off because he was annoying me that much. I was not on bath salts, I promise

There is something seriously wrong with that. But its just hormones coupled with shitty weather and stress. I am lucky to have him though. And he would be there for me if I did cry but I feel like its unfair of me to trump everything we have going on.

I just feel frustrated. LM has been really great with trying to tell me to relax and that maybe I am pregnant but my calculations are off or that its just what it is. She has taken a very laid back approach but touches on the fact that she knows I am ridiculously impatient. My boss also told me that as well, she said I am not one to wait for anything. And I am not. I see something that I want, I go for it. I am given a project, I get it done. I like taking names and kicking asses. But with this, I am just kicking myself.

I know I am the one causing my own frustration and anxiety. I know there is nothing that I can do right now to change anything. Ty and I haven’t been trying for long, we are not considered infertile…. we are just trying and its really fucking trying on me personally.

Maybe I should list my frustrations:

I dont want to have another ectopic pregnancy

I dont want to possibly loose or rupture a tube

I dont want to let friends and family down who are asking if we have any news to share

I dont want to let Tyler down – what If we never have a health pregnancy? What if my body is just poor

I feel like even though I am not the only person going through this, I feel alone

Seconds feel like years, the thought of trying for a year with no success will certainly give me gray hairs

I feel like for some people it just comes so easily

I feel like I have no control

Tomorrow is the appointment with the acupuncturist. I am hoping that gives me some clarity or at least something else to focus on. Yoga has not been helping so I went back to Cardio. It makes me feel better but I am still consumed by thoughts of getting pregnant.

I know I am being an ungrateful brat that expects everything given to her when she wants it. I know that. I accept that. I don’t mean to be like that. Its just so super frustrating to be in a spot where there are so many variables and no where to go right now.

One Response to “There is no crying in baseball err I mean Accounting”

Sorry to hear about your BFN (as the trying to conceive message boards call it). Doesn’t it drive you crazy when it seems like everyone around you is getting pregnant but you? I know that’s how I feel.

Reading this post was like reading something I would have written about my own situation. You are definitely not alone. I have asked myself the very same questions again and again over the past couple of years.

Let me know how the acupuncture goes. I thought about trying it but chickened out. Maybe when we start trying again…