"Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution." -- Robert Zend~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Diary Of A Blonde Newlywed

Dear Diary,

Monday:Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.

Tuesday:We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.

Wednesday:I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday:Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I hunted all over the garden by my mom's. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday:Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it." Beat it I did, right over to my mom's house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

Sunday:Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.

Good night, Dear Diary.

This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Definition: Refers to the physical state addicts are in when withdrawing from drugaddition, especially heroin. Their blood is directed to the internal organs, leavingtheir skin white and goose bumpy like a Thanksgiving bird ready to go in the oven.Mmmmm, junkie turkey.

Origin: The first usage of this phrase is unknown, but it has as many applications asthere are things to be addicted to.

Use it in a sentence: After coming down with a strange illness that turned hiseye-whites blue, Ozzy had to go cold turkey from biting the heads off live bats orany other animals.

"Going Dutch"

Definition: To evenly split the cost of a group expense, like a meal.

Origin: The origin of the phrase is unknown, but there is one explanation. In the17th century, the Dutch were hated commercial rivals of the British, and have been averbal target for them since. Anyone who "went Dutch" may have been considered atightwad. Not surprisingly, the Dutch don't seem to love this phrase.

Use it in a sentence: The last girl I went out with called me a superior patriarchalmisogynist who didn't respect her independence just because I offered to pick up thetab. So last night I decided I'd play it safe and suggested to my date that we goDutch. She called me a cheap skate!

"Put a sock in it"

Definition: A terse request to be quiet.

Origin: Since early gramophones had no volume control knobs, playing them at anythingless than 11 ("my amp goes up to 11") required putting a sock in the amplificationtrumpet.

Use it in a sentence:Girl: "Why are you hesitating? You don't like it, do you? You think it makes me lookfat, right? Oh, I knew this would happen. I should never have gotten an orangeleather..."Guy: "Ah, put a sock in it."

"Son of a gun"

Definition: a) As an interjection, it means "gee whiz" or "well I'll be darned." b) As a name to call someone, it's a euphemism for a phrase that's already prettytame: son of a [blip].

Origin: According to the Phrase Finder (www.phrases.shu.ac.uk), the expressionoriginated on sailing ships, where some women would have sex with sailors between thecannons. The male progeny of such a dangerous liaison would then be called a son of agun. Nice pedigree.

Use it in a sentence: a) "Son of a gun, who stole my toupee?" b) "Bob, you old son of a gun. How's the prostate?"

"For all intents and purposes"

Definition: First of all, it ain't "for all intensive purposes." Think about it for aminute. What the hell could that possibly mean? For all uses that are short butreally demanding? Like, oh, I don't know, midget arm-wrestling? No, "for all intentsand purposes" means "realistically speaking; practically; in almost every way."

Origin: Although its origin is unknown, the phrase used to be "to all intents andpurposes," which is still sometimes heard.

Use it in a sentence: Bob tried so hard to please Patty that he had long ago passedthe "whipped" phase and was now, for all intents and purposes, her love slave.

"Big cheese"

Definition: The most important person; the boss.

Origin: The Urdu word for thing is chiz. The British likened its sound to the word"cheese" and, as cheese is so vital to the Brits that their pound currency wasactually pegged to the price of medium cheddar for almost two centuries, theymodified its meaning to "the main/best thing." The phrase crossed the Atlantic as"the big cheese" in about 1890.

Use it in a sentence: The way he acted, you could tell Bob thought he was the bigcheese of the joint. But really, with his faux chains, hedge-like chest hair andshiny zebra-striped shirt, he was just cheesy.

"Peeping Tom"

Definition: A peeping Tom is a voyeur.

Origin: It stems from an 11th century English legend in which Tom the tailorunlawfully peeps at Lady Godiva as she rides on horseback naked through Coventry. Asa result, he was struck blind. Doh!

Use it in a sentence: To mess with the minds of any would-be peeping Toms in the highrise across the street, every night Bob undressed in front of his window with all thelights on, then looked out into the night and gave a big wave before retiring.

"Beat around the bush"

Definition: This old phrase means, well, you know, sort of to, like, stall and stuff,or lie even, instead of, um -- hey look, that dog has a poofy tail! Sorry, it meansnot to get to the point or the truth.

Origin: It comes from hunting, where hunters would carefully beat around busheshoping to drive out their prey instead of just going in after it.

Use it in a sentence:Man #1: "Stop beating around the bush and ask the question already!"Man #2: "Okay, fine. Can I borrow your girlfriend for, like, an hour?"

A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.

Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.

Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.

The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.

The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.

The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.

Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.

The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.

Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.

The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the farmer.

Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of thechickens had three legs.

The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!"

The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks."

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.

Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, "Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?"

The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon."

At this revelation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper.

In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the breakfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said, "Have you two learned your lesson?"

"Sure, Dad!" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth."

"Ah yes!' said the farmer, "BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!"

Good morning Joe,Ana,Darlene and all who follow Ana enjoy your dinner out sounds like a lot of Fun!!Darlene enjoy your 4 days off,Joe I know how you feel I'm feeling the same wayCoffee is hot have a graet day everyone

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I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Good Morning Joe, Ana, Darlene and Cailyn. Joe you're only as old as you feel so think young! Ana it does sound like a fun evening ahead! Darlene hope you get to relax and play some games. Cailyn hope all is well with you. Happy Day all!

Another cold dreary looking day. I think we are supposed to get some sunshine soon. I hope.

I'm not doing much again today. Just kinda kicking around. Will play a little, read a little. Call the vet and make appointments for the dog and cat. Other then that, I'll just continue kicking around.

Have a great day everyone.

Bets

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Corgis fill your life with Joy, your heart with Love, and your soul with Sunshine.

Woke up to find that the heater was on vacation and refusing to work. I had appointments this morning so just headed out and decided to deal with the cold when I got back.

Errands all went well, but the heater situation is being silly and my keyboard seems to have celebrated a bit too much. I can light the pilot light but it declines to stay lit. So, I'm all bundled up and waiting for someone with more knowledge than I have to call me back.

I must go dig through boxes for some warmer clothes.

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"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole." -Roger Caras

Not so cold today, rained overnight, but just cloudy now. No sidewalk construction going on. I figure they will be off till after the New Year for sure.

Finally got my sister's newsletter email to open. Seems she typed it on something that requires 'docx' which my old XP program didn't have. Finally found a 'safe' Microsoft.com application which promptly fixed the problem. Oh joy.

Our little 'community' of Castle Park (small area of a big city) has just received a Federal grant of almost 30 million dollars (yup you read it right) to improve our little 1 square mile area for 'children and education leading up to college' and 'homeless, pregnant, day care, health' and other things. AND the city, through United Way and other benefactors is Matching the monies so it's 60 million (gah) for our little area. I have no idea what they want to do, but I think it's going to bring in a load of people looking for 'services'. Can't imagine how we were one of only SEVEN grants from Washington DC that got approved.

According to the info, we (our little tiny 4 square block area) is impoverished and all 3194 residents are undereducated, etc. They say they got the info from our last Census.Very strange. I'm assuming that the massive number of 'rooming houses' and group homes in our area count in the total.

The money amounts to about 10,000 per person, so says the news, but I won't see any of it. Can't figure out why they couldn't have footed the bill for some of our out of pocket sidewalk fees? Anyway, they say they are going to improve education and stop bullying, and help transients and all that good stuff. They are including our local park in which all the transients live anyway making it uncomfy for walking alone there. Can't wait to see what they do with all that money! Maybe build permanent housing for the transients? Sixty million????? I'm speechless now. Hope the money is used for good and not to pay salaries of the 'directors'.