Category Archives: Fashion

Yes, I realize that it’s been a while since I granted you all the benefits of my fake medical expert advice. Sorry.

It’s just that poop news has been rather crappy lately. What’s a specialist to do?

So for this post, I’m going to go out on a ledge. Write what I don’t know. Venture into a whole ‘nuther area of specialization. I feel qualified because this area of specialty is in the same, errrr, ball park. Geographically speaking. Certainly based on adolescent conversation, anyway.

You see, I read an article recently that inspired me to post after a pretty long hiatus

Now I don’t know about you, but this particular insert isn’t one I’ve personally ever considered. Maybe I’m just weird.

To be fair to the women who have done this mind-bending medical procedure, the procedure does not involve vaginal insertion of a wasp nest that looks like this one, with buzzing wasps going in and out:

Image by ABC Wildlife

On the other hand, maybe something buzzing and going in and out is the whole idea behind the procedure. But I digress.

Actually, the procedure involves ground up wasp eggs called “galls.”

This is a Getty Image, copied from the article

These are Oak leaf “galls” in case you want to make your own.

Galls are wasp larvae, left on the bottoms of oak leaves. They are ground up and inserted into the vagina to tighten it and to cleanse it. Okay …

As a fake medical expert, I think I can safely say that this sounds like a particularly shitty idea.

You know, it never occurred to me that there might be a need to warn women to not put wasp nests, even ground up wasp nests, into their vaginas.

Then again, I never thought it would be necessary to tell women to not vote for a man who believed he could grab their vagina because he was famous, either.

As a young woman, I dreamed of being an actress. So today/tonight, it is only fitting that I tell you this story.

You know how they say that life is what happens when you’re making other plans. It’s true. I’m living proof.

I had everything it takes to be a fine, award winning actress. I was talented, pretty, had good comedic timing, and a voice that could be heard in the cheap seats.

What I didn’t have was guts. Good guts. My GI tract erupted in high school leaving my future in the hands of jobs that offered health insurance instead of fame and glory. Damn.

Oh, and I lacked the guts to go for it anyway. Once I made a wrong exit and my acting career died in a broom closet, that is.

But even after leaving my dream in tatters with the mops and brooms, I continued to pipe-dream. That’s different than the real thing, and you don’t have to remember lines, or stage directions or what to do with props. It’s actually much easier. You get to keep your privacy, too, which is nice.

Most of my friends are aware of this fantasy of mine, and of my need to, from time to time, stand on a table (instead of a stage) and tell a story. It often involves alcoholic beverages. The table standing, not necessarily the story.

Right now I’m going to tell you about the night I received my Oscars. [Feel free to stop here if you’ve heard this one.]

It was an incredibly special night for me. An honor really. Well, actually, two honors. Two Oscars. Two Awards. But I only got to make one speech.

It was 1983, and some really fun people worked in my office that summer, one of whom, Jon, was from the area. Carol, Mike, Jon and I all went to Jon’s house one night. You see, 1983 was still in the Bronze Age, and Jon’s parents were on the cutting age of technology, because they had a VCR. And Risky Business had just come out on video.

In the middle of the movie, we took a beer/bathroom break. And guess what I spotted, casually stuck on the bookshelf in the TV room of Rob’s house.

Oscar

And Oscar

It turned out that Jon’s father was a filmmaker. Documentary films. My pals presented me with two Oscars for Documentary Filmmaking. Sadly, not one of us had a camera. Probably just as well, because not many stars accept wearing blue jeans.

Receiving Oscar, and his twin, Oscar, was a special honor to me, since I had neither made, nor been in any documentary films, nor even fetched donuts and coffee for the real filmmakers. Regardless, I got to hold Oscar and Oscar, and I got to make a speech accepting my Academy Awards. So I am in an unusual club of people who have never actually acted or contributed in any way, shape or form to a movie, who has been presented an Academy Award.

Yes, I’mthat good.

[Yeah, it’s a repeat. But one can never have too many Academy Award stories. Amirite?]

My very first blogging buddy, Nancy Roman, of Not Quite Old, has written a book!

Amazon Image

I admit, I was a little nervous to read it. I always am, whenever I pick up a book by someone I know. Because I worry that I might not like it. And then what do I say?

When it’s a book written by a blogging buddy, though, I am being ridiculous. Because I already know that I like them. I already know their writing style. I already know that they can spin a good yarn.

Still, I shouldn’t have worried. Not with Nancy. Because Nancy is that good.

Just What I Always Wanted is the story of a fifty year old woman who changes her life dramatically, in part by adopting a pregnant 14 year old misfit. Nancy’s gift for dialog and understatement, makes the story of the interaction between Cynthia and Shannon, as they try to form a life together, simultaneously poignant and hilarious. It’s a story of hope, of love, of commitment and forgiveness.

After the real-life events we’ve all been living through, this warm-hearted story shined up my innate optimism just a bit.

Yes, it’s true. Today I was reminded that I haven’t posted any pictures of Duncan recently.

You remember Duncan, don’t you?

Here he is right after we brought him home, sitting in his toy basket.

He doesn’t quite fit inside it any more.

Duncan is quite camera shy. We get loads of pictures of his butt, which, in my opinion, is not his best feature. The face doesn’t stay still long enough for photo-ops. Apparently, he will never run for Congress.

But the little guy has had quite a good time. He is love, played with, pampered. He has even had a vacation at the shore. Here he is on a rocky beach in Maine. When the rocks are wet, looking for Duncan is very much like playing Where’s Waldo.

Got any Sushi?

Now, let’s see if I can do this. I took some video inspired by Will of Marking Our Territory, alerted me to a fast and easy way to destroy my iPad. So naturally I tried it!

And I uploaded my very first YouTube video.

Shit, I’m a rotten videographer …. but I’m a great dog mom! How many dogs get $300 dog toys?

There are days when you just look your best. Most women I know can point to just a few times when the stars are aligned – when we are simply movie star beautiful. Every hair is in place (or perfectly out of place). The dress hangs just so; the pearls, even though fake, hang at just the right length. The dress accentuates the right things and hides the imperfections.

Perfect. Stunning. Memorable.

I had a new dress to wear that spring day in 1984 . I had waited to wear it until I needed the perfect combination of professional and sexy. This was it.

A meeting with clients in my DC office. Lunch with an old friend. A date.

So on that Friday morning I put my new dress on. After all my health problems and surgeries, I was finally looking pretty damn good again. But this was my best. And I knew it instantly. I would remember this day. Unusually, I primped in front of the mirror. Everything looked perfect.

The dress was black, with three-quarter sleeves. It hung straight at the sides with just the hint of a curve at my waist. The six-inch white stripe down the center added a little bit of elegance to the dress, and to me.

Like this:

This year, John and I are toning way down on gifts. Money is a bit tight, and we have a house full of the junk from Christmases past. We really don’t need any more.

So I’ve been trying to figure out something fun and different to give John this year. He’s so hard to buy for. He has plenty of clothes, electronics, crap. He’s asked for a few nice books, and I’ll be glad to get them. But I’ve been trying to figure out something different. Unusual. Unique. A gift he’ll never forget.

You’ll be happy to learn that while reading the news today, I found it. And it’s to die for.