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Month: July 2014

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I make a move? I can’t touch him, hold his hand, hug him, or kiss him. I’m so nervous. My feelings for him are extremely intimidating.
But apparently when I’m drunk, sleeping with him is no problem.
This makes no sense.

Come on Rebecca! Pull yourself together. You haven’t had a nightmare in at least a week because all you dream about is him and how happy you are with him. You can’t stop thinking about him all day. You may be addicted; to a person! You can do this! Believe in yourself. Rule the roost. Show him who’s boss. Show him what you want. Take what you want.

Like this:

I just needed some time. Time to get high as a kite and reflect upon my life in a calm manner. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to smoke, and it was Fan-fucking-tastic. I go to this cute little bay off this rocky road immersed in trees. The only thing you can hear are the waves and splashing of water on the rocks. The only thing I can see are stars in the sky and the distant skyline.
My mind is calm, the thoughts have dispersed and disappeared, my heart rate dropped to a steady beat. If only life was actually as relaxing as this.
Bed will be easy tonight. I’ll fall asleep with no problems. Nightmares however will stay. Nothing gets rid of those.
Actually… That’s a lie. The only time I sleep like an angel is when I have someone sleeping with me. No nightmares, no restlessness, no tossing and turning. I wonder why? Do I feel more safe? Is it the love? The closeness of another body? I’m not sure….

Janitor and I are beginning to sort out what’s going on between us. Unfortunately it was too late. I’ve slept with him a handful of times during this contemplative stage. I didn’t know was going on. I didn’t think he really wanted to see me. He still called me a friend to his buddies. Even after sleeping with the man twice. I haven’t told him about him and what we were doing. I don’t think I need to explain myself. I wanted to be all his, but he didn’t steal me away fast enough. But I’m no cheater. Now that there is more between us, I will no longer see him.
I do not have the balls to tell him why. I keep lying to him. “Sorry, I just don’t feel like it tonight,” “Sorry, my medication isn’t making me feel good tonight,” “Sorry, already have plans tonight.” There is always some other excuse besides the truth. I don’t know why I’ve kept it; why I can’t tell him.

There was an antique hat shop close by that we went to. I bought a cowboy/girl hat! I’ve always wanted one too.

Apparently this is the only photo I have of the hat. Please ignore my brother who is attempting to twerk on the wall.

After walking around the little town we hit a local sub shop for lunch. Then we spent the rest of the afternoon blowing our cash at the strip mall. There was Adidas, Nike, Coach, Bath and Body Works, Tommy Hilfiger, ROOTS, La Vie en Rose, etc. I spent WAY too much. But I am very happy with everything I bought.

We ate dinner at Ruby Tuesdays and walked around some more. We stopped at the Hershey shop and Planet Hollywood.

Like this:

It’s 1am, I’m pooped. Today didn’t go as I planned, I didn’t have time to sit and blog.
I got my allergy and breathing test done today. My breathing is the same, I still have exercise induced asthma. My allergies have majorly increased. I will need to start shots next year.
I ran some errands with my mom today, then went back to hers to spend time with my pups. I also managed a nap! Then I cooked dinner at home and went to my brother’s soccer game where he kicked ass, as per usual. I cooked again when we got back and I watched some TV.
I put all the photos on my laptop and my Kobo. This makes it easier to add photos to my vacation log… When I get around to it.
I’m a procrastinator, can you tell?

Like this:

Tomorrow I am making the time to blog about my holidays and the days following. I haven’t had much time recently. I finally have a day off tomorrow. Right after my doctors appointment I am whipping out the laptop!

Like this:

My apologies on the M.I.A.
I considered blogging about my trip now that I’m home.
But I can’t currently.

At this exact moment and for the past hour or so, I feel crazy. I’m bouncing off the walls, I’m so fidgety, my hearts racing along with my brain, I can’t sit still let alone try to sleep. I’m scared, I don’t know what’s going on but I want it to stop.
I’m off my meds, is this related to no medication? Or is this related to my high level of anxiety?
I’m crazy, I’m scared, I have no one to talk to right now.
WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?!

I feel like I could hurt myself even though my level of depression is not readable. My craziness is making me want to do crazy things. I don’t understand what is going on and how to fix it.