Homeland Security warned, "The zombies are coming!" FEMA says get your emergency preparedness kit ready, but the LAPD adopted 15 of the DOJ's ridiculous lists regarding 'Potential Indicators of Terrorist Activities.' The question morphs from how will we survive the zombie apocalypse, to how will we prepare an emergency kit without such "suspicious behaviors" and buying activities flagging us as potential domestic terrorists?

How do you kill a zombie? No, not a zombie process killed via command line, but the brain-eating kind. Boom, headshot! Right? We'll get back to that because the Department of Homeland Security announced, "The zombies are coming!" As if warning a zombie apocalypse is imminent, FEMA hosted a webinar for its Citizen Corps encouraging emergency planners "to use the threat of zombies — the flesh-hungry, walking dead — to encourage citizens to prepare for disasters."

Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)

Important documents (copies of your driver's license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few)

First Aid supplies (although you're a goner if a zombie bites you, you can use these supplies to treat basic cuts and lacerations that you might get during a tornado or hurricane)

Yet with the Los Angeles Police Commission telling LAPD officers to document and report the DOJ's controversial "Potential Indicators of Terrorist Activities," the question morphs from how will we survive the zombie apocalypse, to how will we prepare an emergency preparedness kit without such "suspicious behaviors" flagging us as potentially suspicious domestic terrorists?

At home improvement and large retail stores, lumped in with shoplifters who should be considered "suspicious," are people who purchase "a combination of unusual items" like "sponges, candles, matches, bolt cutters;" "night-vision equipment and camouflage apparel;" as well as people who buy "firearms and ammunition out of season." It's a long list, but here are a few:

The newest ridiculous lists repeat the same warnings, such as a warning of people checking out infrastructure, precisely as was stated to be suspicious behaviors at malls; it's not funny that photographersarmed with cameras, as opposed to guns, are also so allegedly scary and suspicious. And whether you are stocking up for an emergency, like a plan to use a small UAV drone to scout the area for zombies, or birthday shopping for a hobby enthusiast, you can't seem to win at some stores. For example, it's considered potentially suspicious to either not know enough about a hobby, or to be too inquisitive and ask too much. Be careful of these allegedly suspicious behaviors at Hobby Shops:

You also might not want to store your zombie apocalypse preparedness kits at Storage Facilities, since the following are but a few allegedly suspicious behaviors and activities that "should" be reported:

FEMA, DHS and CDC all agree that you should have emergency flashlights on hand, so you could maybe bludgeon the zombies' brains out with a flashlight! Oh wait, that's a no, since a previous 'you might be a terrorist if list' warned that buying batteries (for the CDC-recommended emergency radio or flashlight) or flashlight bulbs are considered suspicious when purchased from an electronics store. Buying candles and matches are suspicious at Home Improvement or Retail Shops, but so are buying weatherproof match containers.

Hmmm, you could use a boat to try and get away from the starved and rotting undead masses groaning "Braaaaains." Be cautious about considering that option, though, since the "Potential Indicators of Terrorist Activities Related to Dive/Boat Shops" include:

All the how-to kill a zombie top ten lists agree: buying a gun to shoot a zombie in the head would seem like the best line of defense. However, you can't even buy a paint gun and supplies at a Hobby Shop without potentially being suspicious. Way back in 2004 the Portland Mercury warned, "The stupid government is always offering worthless classes" ... but "they've ignored the far more likely, far more dangerous threat of ZOMBIE INFESTATION." Although that's clearly no longer true, the article advised "when you wake up one morning to find your neighborhood overrun with brain-hungry swarms of the rotting undead" that the best ways to kill zombies are decapitation, bludgeoning, burning and exploding. But good luck acquiring items for that arsenal without your name landing in a suspicious activity report.