Tom Selleck Water Thief

Geriatric ass clown Tom Selleck has been accused of stealing water from a fire hydrant to fill a commercial water tanker for use of watering his avocado farm and because he requires lengthy showers because that’s where he manscapes. His farm, or as he prefers, Ranch, is in Hidden Valley California. He is being sued by the nearby Calleguas Municipal Water District for $21,000, who documented seven occaisions of the tanker pulling a life hack on the fire hydrant. That money is only for the cost of hiring investigators. The actual cost of the water is estimated at about $4.5 trillion or roughly seven bags of California almonds bound for China. It’s unclear if he is doing this in his seventh failed bid to be considered a serious actor and is attempting to turn into Daniel Plainview from There Will Be Blood.

Southern California had its heyday of cocaine and the Manson family. Now it’s overrun with fake lipped whores and you have to request a fucking glass of water when you’re hungover at brunch. Move on while you can to greener pastures. You’re living in a desert, you just can’t tell when you’re at the airport. Soon the twenty thousand dregs of society battling it out for the same guest starring role on General Hospital will be killing each other in the streets for a sixer of Dasani. Seattle’s right up the 5. Stop at Selleck’s place and break the windows.