Tori Spelling’s mom figured out this Internet thing

- Candy Spelling writes open letter to daughter Tori Spelling begging to see her. Unless Candy has acting work shooting out of her armpits, she shouldn’t hold her breath. Not that Tori can’t get hired on her own. — AHAHAHA! [Allie is Wired]

- Shia LaBeouf will only regain 80% use of his hand that was shattered in a car accident. Time to let nature take its course. Read: Saw it off and get a sweet robot one. [PopSugar]

- Chris Brown’s fans let him hold him their baby. In all honesty, I’d be more concerned if this was Britney Spears holding the kid. True story. [Best Week Ever]

- Terrence Howard is not allowed to use metaphors anymore. It’s like he’s an applesauce sandwich trying to teabag a Yeti. Know what I mean? [Videogum]

- Leonardo DiCaprio gives Zac Efron career advice and tells him heroin is the only way to “fuck this all up.” That or make a real shitty Funny or Die video. Whoops. [Vulture]

- The Hils’ stars know dick about fashion yet all have clothing lines. I’m starting to see what Al Qaeda was getting at. [Jezebel]