Phases of the Empty Nest

My friend Julia and I met for coffee to catch up on each other’s lives. We’re both Empty Nesters. My five kids are all married, and I have nineteen grandchildren. Julia has two kids, one in college and one just out — adjusting to real life! As a single parent, Julia has raised her kids alone since they were very small. Yet her life has been full with a career, friends, mentoring young people, and deep involvement in church. My life has been full — in fact, too full. As we talked honestly, it became apparent that even though we were in different phases of the empty nest, we were experiencing some of the same feelings.

Both of us sensed we have been packing our lives so full that we are weary. Yet underlying the weariness is a fear of slowing down, because slowing down seems to hint at the dreaded words “retirement and old.” Neither of us feels old and neither of us wants to retire — ever. Okay, we know that we are getting older. But as we chatted, we concluded that we don’t have to dread this time. Instead we need to use different words to describe this phase: finding a new rhythm and discovering a fresh focus.

There are several advantages to this new rhythm. We no longer feel the pressure to “prove ourselves.” At this age, we know better what we are good at and what we aren’t. It is easier to let some things go and to leave good opportunities that we might have taken in the past and pass them to other people who are better at it than we are. Now we have the chance to delete some things that aren’t the best for us and to begin to focus on what our passion is and where we feel we can make the biggest difference for good.

And best of all — talking over a cup of coffee with a good friend has a way of putting things in perspective and clearing the air. It is refreshing!

You’ve longed for the day when the house would be peaceful again and the kids would finally be grown and on their own. But now that it’s here, all you can do is mourn your loss. Barbara Rainey and Susan Yates remember the day when their youngest chicks flew the family coop and suddenly propelled them into the new stage of life called the empty nest.

“You’re done … but you’re not finished! And one more thing. You’re not alone. Feeling unsure? Scared? Expectant? Maybe even giddy? Is your nest empty—except for a bundle of mixed emotions? As you grieve what’s behind and daydream about possibilities, you’ll feel young again, ready for new challenges and adventures. Yet you may not know what to pursue or how to discover what’s next. Many women in this season of life wonder: Who am I now? And what should I do? How will my marriage be affected? Does anyone need me? How do I relate to my children? Is it okay to feel sad? Or thrilled? What’s next?”

One month when our five children were all small, we had three cases of chicken pox, two ear infections, one case of bronchitis, and three cases of the flu. My son John exclaimed, “Mommy, in your day people died of the flu.” At that point I thought I might die from nursing sick children. I Continue »

I have two fine sons, amazing men. But when I think about it, one of best things they have ever done is to marry the women they did. When they were infants I began to pray for the wives they might one day marry (if it was God’s will for them to marry). I prayed Continue »

October through December can be an excruciating time of year for those who have experienced a loss. In addition to the death of a loved one, divorce, illness, family trauma, job loss, a wayward child, or moving to a new location can cause serious depression during the holidays. Factor in that many people experience less Continue »

From the moment I held Eldest in my arms, I didn’t want to let go. My sister referred to me as a baby hog. When other people held my baby, I watched them like a Rottweiler on guard duty. It’s been almost 13 years since those early baby days, but my mother bear instinct still Continue »

If you have a child who was married this summer, or you’ve just taken one to college, or even sent your last one out the door for his senior year, you are probably a bit of an emotional mess. The empty nest hits us in different ways at different times and often when we least Continue »

A recent comment on our blog came from Elaine, who wrote to say: Right now the “when-then” in my life is “when our oldest son decides to include us in his life again, then I will be happy.” She wrote with an obvious sense of loss and pain over this changed relationship. I am so grateful Continue »

A great mother-in-law?? Okay, most days, I’d settle for just being a good one or even simply not messing up a relationship too badly. I’ve been a mother-in-law for 17 years now. We have five kids—three daughters and two sons. All of them are married, so I have both sons- and daughters-in-law. And the things I’ve learned Continue »

I heard a new Bayer aspirin commercial the other day. It said,“You always took care of your children. Now it’s time to take care of yourself.” The woman in the ad was like me, a member of the boomer generation, likely an empty nester. And Bayer is right. It is time to take care of ourselves so Continue »

My mother, Jean Peterson, laid a strong foundation for the woman I am today. To honor the investment that she has made in me and to express my gratitude for it, I wrote a tribute to her in 1987. Here is an excerpt of that tribute that she still has hanging on the wall in Continue »

By Deb DeArmond That beautiful bundle I’m holding is my new grandson, Kohen. He is 16 weeks old and already making himself heard in this world. Just ask his parents about the sanctity of sleep. They have a whole new appreciation for it these days. We celebrated his mama, my daughter-in-law, Heather, at a baby Continue »