Your Mid-Week Guide To DVD And Streaming: Visit Moonrise Kingdom with a few Female Vampires

You’ll probably note that I am not highly regarded DVD/Streaming writer, Morton Salt. My guess is Morton is off in the Morton mines, or he’s taking the mandated “stay-cation” that James Uproxxxx demands of his minions, or perhaps he just needed a break from a column that’s approximately 4,000 words long. Whatever the case, you’re stuck with me, Laremy (I go by “L-Sizzle” or “Big Booty Legel”).

We’re going to have fun, you and I, because we’re going to talk about all of your options for home video this week, which is a way better plan than simply talking about all of our problems instead (example: Windows 95 computer won’t boot, has really good photos of ex-girlfriend). Here’s a listing of your options for the week:

I won’t front, that’s not exactly the ’27 Yankees of home video options. Some of these titles are likely to cause cancer, and some of other ones wear pink all the time to remind you to be aware of cancer. But there are a few gems, if you care to look a leeetle deeper.

So let’s get in there together, as a family, and get some!

Avatar
I tell you what’s not difficult to obtanium, Avatar on home video. You have a myriad of options. Truly, by now everyone and their second cousin has seen Avatar. But have you seen it on 3D in your living room? No, of course not, no one has, because you’re not the sort of person who sits around in your house wearing glasses, are you? Still, this is the sort of person James Cameron wants you to be, so that’s the type of person you should at least consider being. If not, you know, the economy will end up in shambles, and then ol’ big booty Legel will be out on his keister, selling that sweet tuchus for rent money. I mean, just look how earnest all these people are! AAAAAH, I WANT THE NA’VI TO JUMP OUT AT ME! I WANT IT SO BAD!!

A League of Their Own [Blu-ray]
Tom Hanks is a lovable scamp, isn’t he? A League of Their Own harkens back to an era where you could simply make a movie featuring more than two women in the shot and have it be considered “progressive”. Frankly, I miss those times. These days, ladies, what with all their “voting” and their “eradicating scurvy” agenda, are simply everywhere. Anyway, buying A League of Their Own wouldn’t kill you, would it? Stop being a prude.

Alcatraz: The Complete Series
In this case, the “complete series” refers to one whole season. This was another case of ambition and a room full of coke trumping narrative ability – the concept here was your standard “closed prison where ghosts of people came back and then they have to solve a mystery” rigamarole.

I heard Morton couldn’t do the feature today because he was preparing for his big debate-party tonight.
You know the one I mean, the debate between Steve Seagal and James Franco, with Armond White as moderator, on “The Transgressive Role of the Leading Man in 21st Century Para-cinema.”