Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The President of the United States has to be on the lookout at all times, vigilant against every type of threat imaginable. There are the obvious threats, of course: terrorism, North Korea, bears, global warming, and those crazy gay people who - for some reason - keep trying to get married. But there are other, subtler threats: a slowing economy, failing schools, folks who pull tags off mattresses, American Idol, Tom Cruise, and those crazy gay people who - for some reason - keep trying to get married.

And then, every once in a while, comes a threat so insidious, so meticulously wrapped in sheep's clothing, that only a master can detect its presence. My friends, Paul Burns is just such a master, and the threat is so subtle that many of us have yet to notice it at all.

Soybeans.

Yes, soy, that unassuming, innocent-looking bean. You've probably seen soybeans a hundred times before and thought nothing of them; you may have eaten them yourself, or even - heaven help you - fed them to your children.

But step back a moment, and think. The soybean is an ancient and powerful foe. Its origins are shrouded in mystery, surely predating all human civilization; its numbers are staggering, with the soybean (by some estimates) outnumbering human beings by an incredible ten million to one. How did they sneak up on us, you may ask? Well, there's plenty of blame to go around. But the real question is, what do we do about the Bean Menace today?

The first step is to know your enemy, and surely there is much to discover about this cruel and cunning adversary. Perhaps its most insidious aspect is the way it infiltrates our daily lives, posing under the cover of seemingly ordinary household items. Think that's real bacon you're eating? Careful - it might be soy bacon, a product which, according to one anti-soy activist, "tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd." Worse yet, even the fork you use on these ersatz edibles could be made of soy. Is nothing sacred?

But the worst crime ever perpetrated by the Health Food Cartel - worse than Lite Ranch, worse than skim milk, worse even than Light 'n' Fit Yogurt - is the final and most devastating avatar of soy: tofu, destroyer of worlds.

Some try to find humor in tofu, others try to explain it, still others simply appropriate it for their own interests, but no one has looked into the deep, hideous abyss of this inhuman creation and remained unaffected. It is a foul and malodorous material, so repulsive that even its domain name is an empty, lifeless husk.

Who among us is immune to its unspeakable power; who has not retched, after mistaking a piece of it for cheese? Do we not all have a husband or daughter, cousin or friend, who claims to love the stuff, but secretly despises the vile addiction that drives him each day further into its clammy grasp? Yea, and when it comes to soy, what a long, dark road it is. Will no one save us from this bean?

It is the duty and sacred honor of Paul Hamilton Burns to protect us from the sinister Soy. If elected, he pledges to spend each day of his presidency fighting for your right to live free of this menace; with each new day that passes, he will make you proud anew. Remember, in the battle of Good Versus Evil, the enemy is not always cloaked in darkness.

Sometimes, the enemy is lite.

Be sure to tune in again tomorrow, when we'll tell you everything you need to know about vast government conspiracies.