My Ex Boyfriend Says He Misses Me But Doesn’t Want To Get Back Together

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

If you are already in the process of winning your ex back and have been having good interactions, it can be frustrating when your ex-boyfriend blocks any attempt to get back together.

An ex-boyfriend might try to put obstacles in the way of a reunion even when he tells you he misses you or has feelings for you.

To help you navigate your way through the situation this article is going to teach you about:-

The reasons he says he misses you.

Why he doesn’t want to get back together.

The Commitment Pyramid.

Getting through your no-contact period to win your ex back can be difficult, and for many of our subscribers the texting phase of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery programme is even harder…. But the really big challenge is getting over the last hurdle to win your ex back.

After you have established texting dialogue and built some rapport; it is normal for him to reasonably guess that you want to get back together (although you shouldn’t be directly asking).

As your ex-boyfriend becomes more certain that you are looking for more than just a friendship, he will begin to question if he wants to get back together…. Unfortunately if he is still uncertain then your ex will resist any efforts to reconcile or move things forward and you might be met with phrases like:-

“I’m not looking for anything serious”

“I’m not ready yet”

“I don’t have time for a girlfriend”

There are several reasons an ex might say he still misses you and it is useful for you to think about which of these applies to your situation.

Reasons He Says He Misses You

Below I have compiled a list of the most popular reasons for why an ex boyfriend misses you.

The Bruised Ego

One reason an ex might say he is misses you, is that he is feeling lonely and insecure. Perhaps he has not been receiving the level of female attention he had hoped for as a single man.

If this is the case your ex might tell you he misses you to see if you feel the same. If your ex does this he is seeking validation for his ego, he is hoping that he is attractive enough for you to still miss him. Hearing that you still miss him basically stops him from feeling like a total loser.

I have to admit when I was single and wasn’t ready to settle down there was one ex I would periodically contact to boost my ego. They would ask if we should meet up and go on a date and I would make some lame excuse about being too busy or living too far away.

The reason I would text was because I missed the attention they gave me even though I didn’t want to date them.

The back-up plan

Another reason an ex-boyfriend might say he misses you is because he wants a back-up plan. This is most commonly associated with ex-boyfriends suffering from the Grass is Greener syndrome.

After a breakup, there is a period of time where your ex-boyfriend will have doubts over whether he has made the right decision about breaking-up. During this time period an ex will wonder if he could manage to find a new girlfriend who is better than you, if he feels unsure he may try to keep you as a back-up plan that he can return to later on.

The best way for your ex-boyfriend to keep you as a back-up plan is to give you a small amount of hope for the future by telling you he misses you but doesn’t want to get back together…

Why would he do this?…. he believes you will wait around in case he means he “doesn’t want to get back together……. Yet”.

That last word makes a huge difference as it shifts a breakup from being permanent to being temporary. Your ex-boyfriend knows that this possibility is enough to keep you around in case his life doesn’t work out as planned.

The Friends with Benefits setup

Much like the previous reason on our list an ex-boyfriend might tell you he misses you but doesn’t want a relationship. Instead he is trying to set-up for a Friends with Benefits arrangement.

Your ex-boyfriend probably knows that a lot of women believe that if you have sex, then a man will fall in love and want to get back together. By saying he misses you he can lay some foundations for a Friends with Benefits situation knowing you might accept it in the hope that it leads to something more later.

If your ex is being overly flirtatious and saying he misses you but putting in no effort or saying he doesn’t want to get back together this is a red flag for a potential friends with benefits situation.

He actually misses you

Not all reasons an ex-boyfriend will say he misses you are bad, in fact the last one on the list will cheer you up a bit.

Sometimes ex-boyfriends are not that complicated and the reason they say that they miss you is actually because they miss you!

If your ex tells you he misses you but doesn’t want to get back together, it could mean that your ex is uncertain about whether a reunion would be successful. When this happens, your ex needs to see visible changes in you and improvement for a potential relationship in the future.

As always the key to winning your ex over is to “Show, don’t tell”…. You have to demonstrate to your ex that a reunion would result in a better relationship, you can‘t try to verbally convince him.

Why he doesn’t want to get back together

The next area I am going to talk about will cover the reasons he is resisting getting back together with you and avoiding a commitment.

Fear of repetition

An ex-boyfriend can avoid getting back together because he is worried that you might break-up again. If this is the case he is worried about putting you through a painful situation again.

He is also worried that if he gives you a second chance and then re-breaks up with you that you will resent him for it.

He doesn’t believe in second chances .

This is a reason I can personally relate to. When I was younger I was a big believer in not giving an ex a second chance, I genuinely believed that it was called a break-up because it was broken and that it was better move on than revisit the past.

Obviously, my views on this have changed a lot.

My opinion actually changed a few years back, I broke up with someone when I didn’t feel the relationship was going anywhere. At first I felt free, and they wanted to get back together but at that point I didn’t believe in second chances….. then time started to pass and I realized that maybe I had made the wrong decision because I missed them.

After a while longer my view changed and I thought maybe I should give it another shot. My point is that maybe your ex doesn’t believe in second chances today but that doesn’t mean that they won’t tomorrow.

He has someone new

This reason is one of those things you won’t want to hear about. If your ex is seeing someone new then this is almost certainly the reason he is saying he doesn’t want to get back together.

However if your ex is telling you he still misses you, then it is fair to assume that he still has feelings for you and the new girlfriend is a rebound relationship that is helping to distract him from the breakup.

You have not have changed

An ex-boyfriend might be reluctant to take you back because they feel you haven’t changed.

After a break-up men and women text their ex’s telling them things will be different and promise to change, however, the reality is most people don’t make the effort to change.

Because of this, your ex-boyfriend is going to have legitimate reservations about getting back together with you.

Different futures or backgrounds

This reason is a difficult one to overcome. If you and your ex-boyfriend have extremely different hopes for your futures then this is going to cause long term challenges in a relationship especially if neither of you is open to compromise. This might include things like:-

Where you live – relevant for Long Distance Relationships.

Whether you want children – relevant for all relationships

What church you go to – relevant to interfaith relationships.

These kind of big ticket items can be deal-breakers in any relationship. If you and your ex don’t see eye to eye on subjects like these then although he misses you, an ex-boyfriend may be reluctant to commit to a relationship as is will struggling to see a future with you.

To overcome these kind of reservations you will need to align your futures through mutual compromise and work towards illustrating to your ex that a future together is both feasible and desirable.

Higher priorities

We have all been in a situation where someone has decided for whatever reason that being in a relationship with us is less important then something else in their life.

Perhaps that’s their career, perhaps it’s their social life, it could even be their health.

I have been in this exact situation before. An ex needed to focus on things that were a higher priority than our relationship at the time. Giving time to the relationship was time that was being taken away from their other priorities.

My view is that we all have the same amount of time in our lives…. 24 hours in a day and 7 days in a week, so we have to ration how we allocate it, and we do this by prioritizing what is most important to us. How your ex-boyfriend allocates his time before and after a breakup can be a good indicator for his intentions towards your relationship.

If he is replying to your texts in a timely fashion then you are still on his priorities list somewhere.

Your ex-boyfriend can still miss you when they have other priorities in their life that they would like to focus on but these will make him reluctant to get into another relationship.

The Commitment Pyramid

What can you do if your ex-boyfriend is avoiding a relationship and a commitment with you?

There are several methods you can use such as getting him to chase you, getting him to make a series of small investments of time and money in you, jealousy, and finally making him think you are moving on.

All of these are great but what can you do if the problem isn’t you, how do you handle an ex who just isn’t ready for a relationship and is emotionally unavailable?

There is a way to tackle it however it will require continued and persistent effort on your part to win your ex-back.

This concept of a Commitment Pyramid is something I have teased out of long existing method for motivation called the Hierarchy of Needs.

What the Commitment Pyramid shows is that there are several things people need in their life before they are looking for a serious relationship. In the pyramid there are five different levels of seriousness a guy has when it comes to dating, these vary from not interested, right through to marriage.

Each of these levels on the left-hand side outlines a level of personal achievement a man has in his life and correlates to a level of potential relationship on the right.

Starting at the bottom of the left pyramid you have guys who are in survival mode, these guys are probably looking for a one night stand at best but generally are not interested in girls at all; they are too busy trying to stay alive to think about anything more.

Guys in this zone tend to be struggling to pay their bills, put food on the table, and may not have stable housing. I actually met a really nice guy a few years ago, who was in the unfortunate position of living in his car… despite the fact that he was a popular guy and there were attractive girl’s flirting with him he was 100% not interested.

He understood that he didn’t have the time or the money to date so took the decision to avoid it all together as his focus was getting enough money together to find a proper place to live. This is a good example of how a man thinks when he is on the bottom rung of the pyramid.

The second rung, covers a guy’s need for a job, good health, and “stuff”- personal belongings, clothes, phone, car and other things of that nature. If your guy has health issues, depression, addictions, is extremely unhappy with his work situation or can’t afford to purchase non-essential items, then he is probably just looking to be friends or friends with benefits.

The third level, covers an ex-boyfriend’s need to feel close to people emotionally, he will want friends and family. If your ex feels he is trusted in life and has people he can trust he will be open to the idea of a formal dating.

This would correlate with what I would call the “uncommitted-committed relationship”…… basically the sort of dating before everyone gets serious and starts talking about the future.

The fourth level covers an ex-boyfriend’s need to feel respected, acknowledged, and good about himself.

This is usually when he has achieved a status in his profession he is comfortable with. When this happens an ex-boyfriend will start to open himself to the possibility to a long-term relationship.

The fifth and final level, is the magical level.

If a guy is at this level he feels comfortable he has achieved enough in his life to be remembered and accepted for who he is…. He feels like he has contributed and made his mark on the Earth.

When he has done this then he is going to be open to the idea of marriage.

The Commitment Pyramid works like this, if a man is at the bottom of the levels for personal achievement he isn’t going to be looking for the top level in a relationship. Essentially this model highlights how his personal achievement relates to the extent of his emotional availability for dating.

For example, an ex-boyfriend is on the middle level of personal achievement (friendship, family and intimacy), this means he is at a point in his life where he will consider any relationship type up to and including dating and the “uncommitted-committed relationship.”

How high up you go as a potential girlfriend depends on how well you are doing in terms of your own personal investment in health, wealth and relationships.

I am sure some of you are sat there feeling bewildered because you want to get married but your ex hasn’t reached the top level of personal achievement yet…. Well here is the clever part, by helping him achieve things higher up the levels you can open up opportunities for a more substantial relationship.

To do this you must start at on the bottom rungs and work upward, you cannot skip rungs as they have to come in order…. It’s like building a house, you need to put the foundations in, then the walls and finally the roof….

Now there is a good way to help him achieve things in his life and there is a not so good way to help him achieve things……

You need to be there cheering on the side-lines, showing support and being positive.

What you don’t want to do is tell him how to do it, teach him, nag him or dissect his problems.

In short you need to be the cheerleader, not the coach…. The role of the coach is already taken by his mother. Just remember no guy wants to date his mother so don’t try to steal her job.

Looking at the pyramid you can easily identify how you can get into the Long Term Relationship rung…. Simply by showing respect, boosting his confidence and lifting his self esteem.

Try to avoid filling the gaps in the pyramid levels for him yourself, this might include things like finding him a job, buying him things, listening to all his problems like a therapist, giving him a place to stay etc. Whilst these may seem kind acts, he will perceive that you feel he is incapable of doing these things himself.

If you do this your ex-boyfriend will not feel respected by you and this will affect his confidence and this will actually prevent you from entering into a long-term relationship. Instead of pushing him through the levels of achievement, you should encourage him and give him positive reinforcement when he does something right for himself.

Summary

Even though an ex-boyfriend says he misses you he might resist re-entering into a relationship.

Getting your ex to recommit to a relationship takes an understanding of his reservations and you will need to use these to improve yourself and your situation however not all breakups are caused by you, sometimes they relate to how ready your ex-boyfriend is for a serious relationship.

By using the commitment pyramid you can work towards readying your ex-boyfriend for a higher level of commitment and a stronger relationship than you had before when you get back together.

My Ex Boyfriend Says He Misses Me But Doesn’t Want To Get Back Together

July 24, 2017

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

With over 7 million women just like you coming to this site ever year, I’ve seen about every situation you could imagine. Most of the time, I can just ask a few questions about your situation and know in seconds the chances that you have of getting back together with him. I’ve compressed all of that wisdom into a single calculator What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back.

What Do You Think? (30)

Jane

My bf and I were in a relationship for roughly 3 years. We have been broken up for roughly 3 weeks doing limited NC since we go to several of the same places (gym, school, church). The only time we have contacted one another was to pick up clothing and other items. But, he occasionally calls and texts to see what Im doing and what ive been up to and there have been moments where his actions (hugging me for very long, etc) dont line up with what he says (he doesnt want to be in a relationship because hes focusing on school, getting a career and focusing on other things). He explicitly told me that he doesnt want to be in a relationship for over a year. Ive never initiated contact, its usually him. He wants to stay friends, but many of the things he mentioned that he wants us to do were things we’d do while we were together. I dont plan on answering much of his texts for the next few weeks and have a few things lined up for me to work on for myself. We didnt break up over the relationship, it was doing great, but Im just not quite sure where to go from here.

Jane

EBR Team Member: Amor

Claire

Hi i really need some help i am so confused. I broke ul with my partner of nearly 10 years for taking me for granted & neglecting me. We didn’t speak for just over a month it was a very bad break up some bad stuff was done & said on both parts. Anyway after 3 weeks from break up a relationship status appears on FB with him & another girl I have not mentioned this to him nor him to me i refuse to incase i look jealous. We text everyday & as last 2 weeks he rings me & we chit chat for ages then he asked could he call down to mine I agreed because i missed him but I didn’t tell him this I just said yeah anyway we chilled watched a movie it was like it always was & he stayed the night. Next day he texted me Good morning as when i woke it was already away to work that was fine I replied then he replied then I stopped because I didn’t want to look needy then that night he asked why i had gone so quite i replied this morning just say i was working & tired so i had a early night the msg is not delivered yet so i am waiting on a reply. I am just so confused why hasn’t he mentioned about sorting something & obviously isn’t taking his new rebound relationship seriously if he can come chill & sleep with me. In totally we have been broke up 9 weeks I would like to get back but i fear it happening all over again & this is terrifying for me because i was in a very bad place for about 5weeks not eating, sleeping etc but i am stronger now. What should i do to help him see i have changed & it will be better this time i have a feeling he wants me to run after him but that is not happening because he fell into a rebound relationship so that is his problem.

EBR Team Member: Amor

Lux

Hi there, I need your help! My ex and i broke up 6 months ago, we had a massive fight in March and completely stopped talking. I did NC as advised for 3 months. he wrote to me from time to time (fluctuating from nice to anger) and i ignored him. During this period he found himself a rebound and i didn’t react (despite being hurt)….A month ago i got drunk one night and sent him a text him telling him i missed him and hoped we could be friends…. He replied and after waiting a week to reply to his text he then called me and we spoke ( he told me he ended things with his rebound as she was boring and compared her to me) and we agreed it was really nice to talk. he messaged me/called me consistently after that initial call however whenever i suggested we catch up he always gave some excuse as to why he couldn’t..so being frustrated i wrote him a text along the lines of ” either its equal or you stay out of my life” he didn’t react well.. we got in a massive fight he told me he “didn’t need or want me in his life” however he still initiates contact through brief text messages here and there…. I don’t know what to do at this point or what he wants? Please help 🙂 kind regards.

EBR Team Member: Amor

You were rushing it..yeah, you didn’t talk for three months, but there’s not enough rapport and attraction built for a meet up.. And then you went on verbal demands from him. I understand why but that made him reply in the same angry manner with you.. It’s like you reminded him the reason why you two broke up in the first place..

Let him initiate this time

Jessie

I loved reading this article. It kind of makes me think that women think about so many things at once, while men on the other hand and when they are stressed they worry about that one area. So I have a problem with my ex, he says he still has feelings for me and he misses me…but he’s worried that if he gave me another chance that I would cheat on him or get tired of him throughout the relationship. So how can I show my ex that I’m not hanging out, have sexual relations, or talking to guys? Also last year I tried telling him I wasn’t texting guys and he blamed me for deleting everything off my phone. How can I show him without him being so worried or wondering?

EBR Team Member: Amor

Jessie

He said that and blamed me for that I deleted everything off of my phone because he took my phone and seen that a guy I used to drink with and dated once for several weeks just texted me. That’s when he immediately blamed me for deleting any other text messages or calls. And I didn’t delete anything. So I couldn’t really say anything back to him to make him believe me. He basically wants me to show him that I’m not hiding anything and that I won’t cheat on him again. I just don’t know how to do that?

EBR Team Member: Amor

If you can work and have somebody else look over your child while you work, that would be better.. You need to know and cultivate your self worth.

You cheated on him before but right now you’re chasing him. You’re accepting that you’re the one who has to prove something even though he’s telling you he wants to be with you while he’s in a relationship.

Hanging out with other guys especially his friend is like proving to him he’s right about you..

Staying friends with him now is lowering your self worth too because first, you’re putting yourself in the friendzone. Second, it’s starting to look like you’ve been making up for a mistake that was a long time ago and both of you should have moved on from it since he’s in a relationship now too.

You’re showing him you’re just there, always waiting for his forgiveness..

The better approach is to talk to him about what happened calmly. Tell him you’re sorry about what happened before but you’ve forgiven yourself and that’s not you now and it’s up to him whether he forgives you or not but you’re moving on from that for your self respect and for your child.

If he wants to get back with you, he has to do the right thing first, break up with his current gf. If he says it’s just because he doesn’t trust you, tell him, that’s for him to work out for himself because that was a mistake years ago. Thank him for eveything and tell him you hope that he understands and respect the space you need for yourself.

And then do at least 30 days of nc.. Don’t tell him you’re doing nc. Don’t tell him you’re going to contact him after 30 days. If he asks if you will contact him again, tell him as of now you don’t know yet. If he asks if you’re still friends, tell him as of now that’s not workable.

Improve yourself. Have a new routine for yourself and your child. Have your own life. Prepare your life in a way that if you don’t get him back, it will hurt but it’s his loss, not yours. You have a lot in store for yourself and in your child’s future.

Evelyn

I tried the whole cycle from NC to meeting up again a few times and gave up. When he broke up with me it was in May and he’d been having a hard time, falling into a depression and being admitted into hospital. He’s out of it now. Even after I gave up he keeps texting me, but not desperatly about every week and I don’t know what do do about it. If I try to continue the conversation, when he doesn’t feel like it anymore or I try to start a conversation, he’s just downright mean and rude. He acts like some bratty teenager (which I shouldn’t be surprised about since we are both teens), but when I mimic him from getting fed up with his short responses and mean comments, he’d call me out on it and be upset. What does he want? One second he’s cheerful and nice, the next he treats me like shit. What does he want?

EBR Team Member: Amor

Sierra

So I’m having a mini crisis here (maybe not that dramatic) but I started NC 17 days in and about 3 days ago was my exes birthday I didn’t break NC however he posted a couple of things that seems like he misses me he all of sudden goes to the same gym (in a different state LDR) which he’s never posted what gym he goes to and last time I checked he didn’t go to Planet Fitness I’ve been posting check ins at that gym in my state and then it got really weird he posted yesterday that he wants to wake up and kiss someone face and be romantic so today I woke up and found out he blocked me again after three months of already blocking me so I just want to know why all of sudden am I blocked I’ve done nothing wrong. The last message I sent him I told him I’m done playing games and done with the childish behavior you see I reached out to him after finding out be blocked me and he didn’t respond to any of the messages so I went into a NC and 12 days later he calls me on Facebook messenger I missed the call and reached out to him no reply so I sent that last message and went back into NC and been doing great with being UG posting pictures, losing weight and having fun. I don’t under would out of the blue just block me for no apparent reason

EBR Team Member: Amor

Sierra

Oh no I didn’t message him at all when he blocked me I was trying to be the UG by not paying attention to the fact that he has blocked me again. I broke NC before when he called me on Facebook messenger and I sent him a message and he didn’t respond again so I went back into NC and haven’t broken it since so proud of myself Yay!

EBR Team Member: Amor

Sierra

So I was the UG in the beginning before we dated and now that I’m doing NC I’m wondering if my ex will ever take me seriously again? You see I’ve always been the one to reach out and communicate even before we dated he was always interested and would chase me but I always had to initiate contact my ex communications skills are non existent to be honest lols

EBR Team Member: Amor

He chased you before because you dont have expectations before.. If he doesn’t do something, you just go on with your life.. Now, you’re not walking away and not doing your own thing because you’re waiting for him to change, to do the things he used to do before when he was chasing.

Sierra

You are absolutely right I feel like I never took the time for myself to work on me and get where I need to be in life when that relationship happened we both rushed in fell in love and weren’t really working on ourselves and after the breakup it brought out the worst in us especially him he acts like an asshole when he’s hurt. He’s immature and when we dated he didn’t act that way and I’ve fell out of love with him a little bit due to the fact that he is immature and doesn’t know what he wants those 2 things are unattractive to me in a man I love his character and everything else besides those two things I love I just feel like time really needs to happen in order for us to decide if we really want to be together and I’ve been scared of that because of ow he might get married to someone else and I might get married to someone else I don’t see a future without him at this point but I also want to be the woman I always wanted to be and right now a guy in the picture is a distraction

Amy

Hello EBR team I have a question, if you could answer it, that would be really helpful I have been in NC for some 20 days and from two days he is posting super romantic statuses on WhatsApp and we are contacts with each other so he knows I will be seeing his posts about a girl! I dont know who he is referring to in his super romantic posts?

EBR Team Member: Amor

whoever he is referring to, it doesn’t matter.. because if you bring it up to him once you get to building rapport stage, that means you are checking out his posts. And it doesn’t help you in healing and improving yourself too.. You’re just worrying which is unproductive.

M

That pyramid is SPOT ON. I was thinking about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs when my ex was unemployment – because he didn’t have that he could get to the step above, which was healthy and intimate relationships.

emily

my boyfriend and i were at the top level of the pyramid. we were having discussions of kid,s marriage, etc. However, drastically he went back to the 2nd rung of the hieracrchy when a job ‘”promotion” caused intense stress. Relocating (even after the company had relocated him 6 months prior), working 80+ hours a week consistently for the same pay, and intensive training workshops are just a few of the obstacles being faced. I was told that he “didn’t know what he wanted anymore” and he needed me to just focus on myself because he is so overwhelmed and busy. I was comopletley able to understand this issue and was patient and sympathetic. However, once the weeks turned into months (going on 3 months since the breakup) I am frustrated and hurt. I know it’s ONLY been 2-3 months but he seemingly has no interest in me anymore. We were texting on a daily basis but I started to be a little pushy with wanting to see him and wanting answers regarding our status. (HINDSIGHT IS 20-20). That insistence caused a spark in him where he said this whole ordeal isnt a phase, but his life now, and he is too busy to even think about a relationship. Again, hindsight will be 20-20 but once in so deep he is most likely unable to see out. It has now been 2 weeks since I initiated NC. I heard from him once, after asking a mutual friend when he left for one of his trainings, and got a response from my ex (the mutual friend must have told him I asked) but since I ignored the text/didn’t respond there has been no other contact. My positivitey and hopefulness regarding this situation is dwindling. any suggestions of how to proceed? How much time is needed to sort through these things..? And will he ever see that he doesn’t need to push me away in times of stress?

EBR Team Member: Amor

don’t ask his friends about him..If you are going to talk to his friends, use it to your advantage, better if they’re the only ones initiating to talk to you, only talk about your life or that friend’s life. So, that it seems like you’re moving on. Aim to be the ungettable girl, have your own life and focus in improving yourself. Be active in posting in social media. check this ones:EBR 003: Does Having Your Own Life Help You Get Your Ex Back?The Ungettable Girl