Merry Christmas, serve as desired.

Oh come now. Do not pretend that you are surprised. You are reading a blog about Christianity; did you really expect to not have one about Christmas? I should hope not.

You will have to humor me as I try to cover all the wackiness that has become Christmas and squish it into one little article. I had considered devoting an entire rant to the X-Mas/Christmas debate, but I blissfully spared you what would have been not much more than a tirade. (The word is “Christmas”. Write it out. You do not see any “H-kah”s out there do you? Even in this world of texting abbreviations I have yet to see someone wish a “Happy N.Y.’s” to anyone. My two cents, use the whole word.) Okay, I almost spared you the tirade. But it was so much longer originally…

Regardless, I am here to instruct you as to how you should celebrate Christmas. That is right. I, as an authority on such religious matters know more than you on the subject and therefore feel that I may address the millions of English reading people on this planet and subject them to my viewpoints. Mine is the way it should be done, so the following guidelines will be adhereded to stringently. Ready?

Do whatever the sam hill you please. Celebrate with whatever Christmas Spirit you would like.

You did not really think I was pompous enough to tell you what to do, did you? Nah, I think we will just leave that as a rhetorical question. Ahem.

Myself, I take on a little bit of flack for how I celebrate Christmas. I go for a six-ish mile jog around my hometown (lovingly named the Cosand’s Crazy Christmas Course), call up my family members and best friend, then sit on the couch with my cat for the rest of the day. That is all I need. I am of the opinion that is how celebrating an important holiday should be spent for me. Others clearly do it differently. Some people break out the large dinner tables, cover them with nice silverware, piles of food, then invite their loved ones to crowd around the table and dine with them. Some churches have a Christmas Day or Christmas Eve service. There are still other traditions. Some which I just cannot bring myself to do.

I am not the caroling type. “Hi! How are ya? You have absolutely no idea who I am. But that is okay, since I do not really know who you are. It is freakin’ cold out here, so do you mind if I sing to you as I feverishly rub my hands together to stay warm? Oh, but if you could stand in your doorstop and let all the cold air in? Maybe run the risk of having your pet escape? That would be great. Did I mention I sing rather off-key and you do not have any say in what songs you will hear me sing? Hope you enjoy! Seasons Greetings!” Others can sing. Others are peppy with strangers at their doorstep. Maybe one day, but I am not quite there yet.

(Oh, and please do not send me links to “Elf Myself”. That is just eight kinds of creepy. I should not be able to cut and paste my picture into a Christmas card; certainly not a singing one.)

I think we can all agree that Christmas, like Easter, is one of those smorgasbord holidays that has a rather complicated history. I, as a Christian, think it should be celebrated as a Christian holiday. However that does not mean that I have the right to force you to celebrate it that way. (Just as I, as an introvert, like to have an introverted Christmas morning.) I certainly have my opinions and suggestions, but as long as your idea of Christmas shopping does not involve a pair of gloves, a ski mask, and an industrial length of pipe, I would imagine we can have our common ground.

Candles on tree leaves. Stockings hung over a fireplace. Oranges in stockings, forts made out of presents, maybe even volunteering in a soup kitchen. Folks, there are as many ways to celebrate Christmas as there are reasons to not eat fruitcake. (Dear Mom. Hi. Love you. Love your cooking. But the fruitcake? Uh, pass.) Enjoy it. Hope your day (dare I say… weekend?) is relaxing or fun or raucous or stomach-filling. However you wish to celebrate, I will leave you to yours.

Just try not to get too upset when I wish you Merry Christmas and God Bless. You have your salutations, I will have mine.

If nothing else, Santa hats are really good at covering up unkempt hair. Trust me, this one I know from much experience. Happy Holidays, folks.