Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Morning Edition - 9/6/06

Back To the Future; Nice to Meet MeThere are moments in our lives when we look back and realize there are things we would’ve said or done differently. Most times we chalk-up those moments as regrettable mistakes never to be relived and other times we’re afforded the opportunity to see that point in your life from a stage much further along. Ten years ago I had a visit from my first partner while I was living in Maryland. Strangely, on that day, my partner, my man and several friends were visiting my home as well – don’t ask, it was a crazy time in my life. My first partner always had a way of getting under my skin and on this day, under a fit of rage, I dramatically tossed him out of my house with the admonition that I would be lucky never to see him again. He wasn’t feeling well and as he reached the bottom of my front steps he turned and asked if he could at least have a glass of water. Without a moment hesitation, I immediately said, “No, buy water at the nearest store. Just get the heck off my property!” Three years later, when my head cooled and I had a moment of levity, I realized I had overreacted. With the added years of maturity, I jumped on my PC and drafted an apology letter that basically said, I was sorry for being so irrational and that I wished him the best. Last Sunday I ran into my first partner. When I turned to face him, he looked exactly as he did 20 years ago. The added weight complimented his frame and his wide smile immediately melted away years of resentment and immaturity. Rather than saying one word, he hugged me tight and lifted me off the ground. We hugged for what seemed like five minutes before we stepped back from each other to speak. Turns out he read and kept the letter I wrote many years ago and even mentioned keeping every letter I had written him since I was 16. We laughed at issues that in the past had been sparks to ignite our disagreements. Finally, we both agreed how the years had been kind and how lucky we both were to still be here – alive, well and all grown up. As he described who I was in years past, I realized how much I had actually changed. It felt that I was hearing about someone I had never met. We shared pictures and stories of where our families and friends were today and promised to stay in touch. As I walked away from him I felt myself smiling at the reality that people do change and sometimes the remarkable thing is those “people” are me.

The MachinistReviewing a movie from 2004 seems absurd, but last night I happened upon The Machinist, starring an emaciated Christian Bale and the detached Jennifer Jason Leigh. As the movie opens Bale, an actor who appears to be over six feet tall and weighing a mere 119 lbs. looks at his battered, drawn and gaunt face in the mirror. It is the beginning of what is apparently self-inflicted physical torture that takes viewers through a dark trail of incidents for close to 2 ½ hours before we untangle the source of his angst. The movie explores the human mind and the extraordinary measures our subconscious can take to bury pain. With the consistent rainy days we’ve been experiencing, this flick is a definite thumbs-up drama that will have you question what secrets you have buried that affect your daily life.

On BlastPerceptions…everyone can’t be wrong. What perception do your friends, family, colleagues, etc. have about you that you:Don’t feel are trueHave some truth, but appear exaggerated when mentioned by these folksAre dead on, but you don’t have any intention of changing them

5 comments:

Most of my friend have the same opinion about me. "He is an azz!" And they are right on point with that description. I take no shyt from people and speak my mind, with respect, to everyone. People expect me to be kind when their other friends meet me, but I AM ME. To know me is to love or hate me. You don't pay my bills so. Take me or leave me...

Several events/triumphs/failures/catastrophes of my life have shaped who I am. A few weeks ago I was questioned by an anonymous blogger for some of the decisions I have made in my life - which is fine - but the individual basically tried to tell me that I was wrong to make a decision I made in the best interests of my family - that my children should be allowed to decide for themselves what to do or how to feel about their Dad.My only regret in life is not cutting his lazy ass off sooner. My home has never been more peaceful or orderly since I gave their Dad the BOOT. I only have to ask my children to do what they are told twice at most - they are childrn after all. NOw that he is gone, they have more of a desire to help me. So does removing certain OBSTACLES from my life make me a hateful person and a bad mother. I am sure God would agree I made the right decision.

People perceive me to be a bitch or a hate monger of some sort because I refuse to be tread on. I am neither actually. I am a strong confident woman. Ferocious when I have to be, mild and warm when in the right company. I can sense a bullshit artist from a mile away. So you can either turn the corner, or you can be part of my circle that I would do anything for as long as I am respected. Perception only matters if you are still trying to find yourself. I love me.

Overall I would describe myself as warm, outgoing and humorous, but like most folks, it’s difficult to see your darker side. My return to NYC has found me face-to-face with folks that are surprised with how mild-mannered I now appear. Call it age, experience or just natural progression, but rumor has it that before moving to DC (and probably the bulk of my time there) I was a real BITCH. As I’m hearing it, I wasn’t the kind of bitch who’s nasty and you just flat-out hate, I was the kind-of self-centered, selfish bitch who regardless of the topic could bring the issue back to how it related to me. I was that love-to-hate kind of bitch who you really like, just have trouble stomaching when their temper flares. My run-in with my first partner served to bring the issue of change to the forefront, but this was a recurring topic with virtually all my previous partners. Today, I’m friends (or at least acquainted with) all of my exes. To be clear though, the adage that says a leopard never changes his spots is partially true… I believe I may be a milder version of the more fiery me, but the spots have merely lightened somewhat. :)