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Friday, February 4, 2011

Can I get an Amen?

You know how they say that youth is wasted on the young? Well what about the elderly? If you ask me, old age is wasted on the elderly. I mean all that wisdom and experience and they can't even enjoy it because they're too busy having strokes or dying. Or quoting Dr. Oz.

So torqued at Dr. Oz right now!

Dude! Stop filling my MIL's head with all that mumbo jumbo about broccoli! Don't you know that when you fill her head, she fills my head!?

Every time I eat lunch with my MIL she brings up Dr. Oz and his latest theory about broccoli. Or sugar. Or cinnamon. Or that hard cheese that starts with the letter q. The one that she's never heard of and that she can't remember how to pronounce. The one that helps fight cancer cells.

Three words:

You know who else I'm torqued at right now? My daughter's seminary teacher. (Okay, for the record I'm not really torqued, I'm just saying that to transition.) But if I was torqued it would be because . . . well . . . should you really be telling a bunch of teenagers that the END of the WORLD is nigh at hand and they could be twinkled within 5-7 years?

Fer reals, should the words APOCALYPSE and TWINKLE be used simultaneously?

And should you really be telling my daughter that after she's twinkled she will get her own world in which to multiply and replenish. With a bagillion gazillion offspring?

She's less than thrilled.

I usually giggle when she's less than thrilled, but I didn't giggle when she told me about his five step dating, (and one step kissing) guidelines.

Allow me to summarize:

Step one: High school. Date groups. And have fun.

Step two: College. Choose 10 people you want to date one-on-one.

Step three: Narrow it down to your top five.

Step four: Narrow it down to three finalists. Now imagine yourself sharing the REST of YOUR entire LIFE, (plus eternity) (plus a private world with a bagillion gazillion offspring) with each of these three finalist. How does it make you feel? If it makes you feel like screaming and running and poking your eyes out, move on to the next finalist.

Step five: Narrow it down to one. Then get engaged. Then kiss that one. But only once. Just so you can see how your choice tastes. (Direct quote, peeps!) If you like the taste, get married, and live happily ever after. And by ever after I mean ever and ever after (with your bagillion gazillion offspring).

Okay, does anyone besides me find this to be fallacious logic?

First, do numbers even go up that high? Second, is there no rose ceremony? Third, one kiss? One freakin' kiss? Is there a pulse in the house?

Kissing is quickly becoming a lost art and we need to do something about it. PRONTO! I'm designing bumper sticker propoganda for my Young Women as we speak.

Save the Whales, but don't save the kiss!

Kissing is like charity: the more you give, the more you shall receive.

too bad dr oz doesnt host the bachelor series...i would love to hear what the MIL gets out of that!

My seminary teacher told me that he only kissed his girlfriend (now current wife) as long as her father would.... i told him he was missing out! .. i also found out that only one laurel is dating.. i told them they need to get out more and befriend more boys... they all looked like i had just told them to kill someone!

Is that seminary teacher for real? No wonder teenagers don't listen to their teachers/church leaders. Get a reality check people! Who the heck narrows down their marriage choice like that anyway? It sounds like the man has no hormones. Seriously, could he be any less romantic?

ahhh seminary teachers! One of my daughters quit going during the time they had the apocalypse/twinkle discussion, it just freaked her out too much- now I must go ask if they had this same kissing discussion in their class- that guy sounds like a weirdie to me :) I'm with you- kissing is a lost art which needs to experience a come back- a kissing renaissance! darn kids just don't know what they are missing out on. Just last night my girl was going to a movie with this guy friend who is very cute and I told her she should definitely make out with him and she shot me the death look. what a dummy. (no offense)

Ah.. now I know what I did wrong. Shouldn't have waited until college to group date.I have 2 questions. Do the other 10/5/3/1 persons of interest get a choice in the matter? Did the seminary teacher follow his own sage advice? I admit that the potential professional seminary teachers I met at school kinda remind me of Dr. Oz. Combining these subjects into on post... perfect.

crap, I guess If I would have followed said seminary teachers advice on dating etc, I wouldn't have been married 3 times. (tee,hee)

that was just a little lame-o. and I even taught seminary, um 30 years ago, shocking I know, but I did.

and I am surprised your mom even REMEMBERS what Dr Oz said. It's all part of the aging,...I watch, and forget.besides, you can't find half the stuff (vitamins, foods etc) he talks about anyway. Not in my supermarkets.but I do live in canada, could explain a lot.

Hmmm... I'm starting to wonder if I used to date said Seminary Teacher. If so, he didn't make the cut.

probably because I'd kissed more than one boy in my life.

yep, two.

hmmm... and if you believe that I've got a gorgeous bridge for sale.

Tell your T that the philosophy is kind of like Baskin Robbins... you might like Vanilla ice cream, but there are a b'zillion other flavors to try... and until you've tasted them all you don't know whether or not you'll be happy with Vanilla for the rest of your life.

Ok, I gotta tell you a story. There's a certain family who lives in the townhouses and they are very protective of their children. One of the boys is Adam's age, his initials are NR, and I think I told you that Adam quit hanging out with him because he wasn't permitted to go surfing or dirtbiking or stay out in the sun after 10 am. Well, now that NR is 19 he's decided that he should try some stuff. Josh takes him dirtbiking almost everyday, but his dad doesn't know. Sometimes he and Josh even go to the beach at like noonish when the sun is high in the sky. They are such rebels.

And get this, NR has a girlfriend! Of course his parents are very against this nice girl and don't want him to see her. So the other day NR is sitting on our couch and asking me if Perry and I were upset when Adam had a girlfriend. I told him heck no, I think it was the best experience Adam had ever had. To learn what qualities you want or don't want in a girl is so important. So you go NR. Just don't tell TR and HR, Ok?

P.S. NR has his stake interview this Sunday and his mission papers will be in!

As it turns out that dating advice helps me zero. One, because I have graduated college so it's too late for me to pick my ten. Two, because I've gone passed the alloted number of kissing. Where does that leave me?!

Oh, and THREE-there will be stupid boys in the class that take what the teacher says to heart as actual gospel (and really, don't get me started on seminary teacher's and their lack of gospel authority) and go on to live their lives that way and it'll really mess with the girls in high school that like them.

We talk about kissing ALOT in our house...and I have been known to tell my girls to take those lips out for a test drive once in awhile.Kissing can be fun and when it's with someone you love, it's awesome!--yep, I tell my yahoos that all the time.You can tell alot about a guy by the way he kisses the first time.

"Then he kissed her. Betsy didn't believe in letting boys kiss you. She thought it was silly to be letting first this boy and then that one kiss you, when it didn't mean a thing. But it was wonderful when Joe Willard kissed her. And it did mean a thing."