Our journey down the rabbit hole of infertility

TWW

The day after my first IUI I felt some major cramping and discomfort. Usually on medicated cycles I feel some pressure and discomfort around ovulation, but this month was definitely more intense. It could have been the IUI procedure or the fact that I had three mature follicles and there was just more going on down there!

I also was extremely bloated 1dpiui to the point where I immediately changed out of jeans into yoga pants when I got home. I had a little bit of spotting, which my doctor said is normal after the IUI. I had to keep reminding myself that everything I’m feeling is normal and I’m OK. I asked my husband to pick up some coconut water on his way home and I started chugging liquids. I feel considerably better today and the bloat is starting to subside.

Physically I’ve been taking it easy the past two days but emotionally, I’m a disaster. I know I should be excited or hopeful or optimistic, but in reality I’m terrified. We have so many people rooting for us right now. We had fantastic odds going into the IUI. But I still won’t let myself believe that this might work.

I’m scared.

I think I’m just trying to protect my very vulnerable self in this torturous process of what if’s and maybes. Our families and friends know we did an IUI this cycle and know that we have unexplained infertility, meaning there’s no reason why it won’t work for us. So if it doesn’t work, like every cycle for the past 2.5 years, I feel like people look at us and judge. Judge me for doing something (or not doing something) to compromise a possible pregnancy. Judge me as not healthy enough. Or good enough. Or committed enough. Or woman enough. Or anything!

I know I’m just being really hard on myself right now. And most people in our lives love us unconditionally and don’t judge us or think negative thoughts. The TWW anxiety creeps into my brain and causes havoc!

I didn’t really expect much from this cycle as we missed the timing for our IUI. We were pretty good about doing the deed so we’re not out completely.

The first week of the TWW we went on vacation to Asheville, NC. It was amazing! We agreed to “no baby talk” and just enjoyed time together. My husband and I are both foodies so we decided to go on a food tour. We sampled seven farm to table restaurants and I honestly ate some of the best food I’ve ever tasted! To balance gorging ourselves silly, we hiked Chimney Rock and a few trails off the beautiful blue ridge parkway. It was exactly what we needed!

Once we got home though, all of my vacation serenity disappeared. First, I started to have very mild cramping. Initially I thought this was a good sign! Three days later, I’m still cramping. I expected AF to start any hour but it still hasn’t showed. I was so convinced that this cycle was done that I told my husband to go ahead and call to make his appointment to freeze his sample for our next round. I even bought a six pack of beer to enjoy but decided to hold out for AF. But it still hasn’t started!!!

Next, this morning I had the TINIEST amount of blood when I wiped. So again, I just waited for my period to show. Nope!

Then I remembered I did the same thing when I was pregnant before. I felt cramping and figured my cycle was starting. A few days later, when it didn’t, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.

So I’ll go ahead and test tomorrow morning. I’ve seen negative tests for the past two years and I’m not expecting anything different. I almost feel like going in to get my beta level tested because of my previous 55 day cycle in response to clomid. I’m hoping it’s not doing the same thing on letrozole.

I’m really trying to not let myself go there but I can’t help but hope this is finally our chance. *fingers crossed*