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Topic : 12/03 Families under Fire

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Created on : Wednesday, November 26, 2008, 07:23:13 am

Author : DrPhilBoard1

As the nation faces a collapsing financial market, record job losses and a foreclosure crisis, is your marriage strong enough to survive the storm? Bishop T.D. Jakes, renowned pastor and author of Before You Do, joins Dr. Phil to discuss how families can brave tough times. First up, Karen says she and her husband, Walter, were living the American Dream: a loving marriage, a beautiful home and a 20-acre farm. But when she quit her job for health reasons two years ago, bills began piling up, and Karen fears her spouse is cracking under the pressure. She says Walter gets tense, pounds his head with his fists and blames her for their mounting debt. Walter admits that he can hurl insults when he and Karen fight over their finances, but says Karen’s carelessness with credit cards is driving them further into the red. Find out what Karen says her husband did that pushed her over the edge. Can Dr. Phil and Bishop Jakes get the couple back on track? Then, Sherida and Brandon have been married for three months, but instead of enjoying their honeymoon, they say their relationship is already on the rocks. Sherida says that Brandon has a law degree, but he refuses to get a job, and she’s tired of being the sole provider. Brandon says he’s waiting on a higher power to provide. Can Sherida and Brandon salvage their union, or should she cut her losses? Plus, don’t miss Dr. Phil’s survival plan to get your marriage through the economic meltdown. Talk about the show here.

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Advice from a not so rich person

I am a woman who has lived on a fixed income for years. I can tell you right now that I watch how you guys shop . When you shop where the rich man shops you are going to spend a rich mans dollor. Dollar stores and thrift shops have great things to offere if you give them a chance.

I will give you an example I am a collector of cookbooks I find them useful to gain insight.

At the local branch of the main Library in the basement there is a bookstore. I waited for the right time and special and managed to buy 14 cookbooks for 4.75.

Same thing with groceries. Don't be afraid to venture in to a not so classy neighborhood. The majority of the people who normally shop at those stores cannot afford high prices. If they went too high no one would be shopping there.

Families under fire

The gentleman's refusal to work based upon his belief that God will provide concerns me. God would likely respond by saying, "I gave you a talent (to be a lawyer) - now use it to provide for your family!"

Marriage Problems in Tennessee

November 29, 2008

Dear Dr Phil,

This has been a very rough year for me and my husband. I was laid off April of 2008 and after doing accounting for 25 plus years, I am having a difficult time finding another position in that field. The economy here in Nashville is just as slow as the rest of the nation. I have signed up with just about every employment agency in town plus I check all them major internet job websites daily trying to find another accounting position.

My wonderful Mom (87 years young) went into the hospital on Easter Sunday with stomach pains and had to have several inches of her intestine removed a couple of days later after the doctors found out that her intestine had become twisted. While she was in the hospital she contracted a very bad infection called C-diff. If you look C-diff up on any medical website you will see that it is often a fatal infection that elderly people get while in the hospital after having abdominal surgery. There were several occasions when her doctor told us that she wouldn't last more than a few more days. She wasn't eating much and continued to get weaker and weaker.

It took about two months for the antibiotics to get the C-diff under control enough so that she could be transferred to a long term care facility for rehab. We were hoping the rehab would help her get strong enough to return home. She hated being in the hospital and has told us over and over durng the years that she did not want to end up in a nursing home.

She never got strong enough to return home and around 3:00am on September 30th, she went home to be with Jesus. I am one of eight children and we are still having a hard time realizing that she is no longer with us. With the holidays coming up I'm sure it will be harder. As I write this, tomorrow would have been her 88th birthday and it also makes two months since she passed. Our father passed away in August of 1993 and one of my older sisters passed way in November of 1993.

When I was first laid off, my husband was supportive of my job searching. I know he blames me for our lack of money and over the past few months he keeps making comments that really hurt my feelings and throws it up that we didn't get to take a vacation and we won't have much of a Christmas because we are always broke. Up until recently our bills have all been paid and have all been paid on time. I am drawing unemployment and I do a little accounting on the side at home. I delivered phone books back in the hot part of the summer in order to bring in some extra money and have worked temporary assignments when they have been offered to me by an agency.

We used to go out to eat at a nice, not extravagant, restaurant every weekend (my husband's wishes). We have cut that out and never go out to eat anymore anywhere unless it is to McDonald's or Burger King and that is very rare.

My husband has taken a second job with a security company but they only handle special events and concerts so his schedule is different every week and he doesn't have a guaranteed amount of hours. I have put in applications at Target, Kroger, Macy's, Kohl's and even the UPS in hopes of finding ANY type of job just to be bringing in some money. I worked for H & R Block several years ago and am hoping to work for them again or find another tax firm to work for but that is still a couple of months away.

In the meantime, the stress here at home is getting worse and worse. I have had migraine headaches since childhood and the stress at home is making them more and more frequent. When they are under control (if you can ever control them) I might have one or two a month. But lately I have been having three or four a week. I take Imitrex shots when I have a bad migraine but the insurance will only cover one refill per month and a refill only has two shots. I have even stopped getting some of my prescriptions refilled because we are so tight on money.

Also this year, I had to have surgery for torn retinas in both eyes. Otherwise I could have started losing my sight. We have a $1,000.00 dedutible to pay and then 20% of everything else that the insurance won't cover. Since the doctor couldn't do both eyes at the same time, we have to pay for 2 outpatient surgeries at the hospital plus 2 surgery bills to the eye specialist. Each day at the hospital was almost $2,000.00 and I was there less than half a day. I haven't seen a bill from the doctor yet so I don't know how much of that will be our responsibility.

My husband's van had to be worked on twice recently for a total of over $1,000.00 which just adds to our problem.

I am so depressed I don't know what to do. Sometimes I don't know why I should keep trying. I don't believe in suicide but sometimes I just feel like giving up. My husband does not want to go to counseling but I have been receiving free counseling with Alive Hospice since my Mom was under their care for a while before she passed. It has helped some, but I think a marriage counselor would help more if I could get him to go with me.

Would you possibly have any connections in the Nashville area to help me get a job? Or could you just give me some suggestions as to what to do about our situation? My husband acts like we are the only ones in America that are going though this even though the economic problems are on the news every day. I would appreciate any help you could offer us.

12/03 Families under Fire

As far as the first couple is concerned, I was always taught that 'your outgo can't exceed your income' by my mom and dad, and they're obviously right. IF the wife is spending on credit cards and buying crazy things, there's obviously something more going on and maybe she's trying to make herself feel better (albeit not in the smartest of ways) with retail therapy. I wonder what she could do if she had a laptop and stuff from her local thrift store that she was selling on eBay, or if she could start her own side business. I remember on Oprah a long time ago when she suggested starting something small for people who need some particular thing done but don't have the time to do it - like putting people's pics in albums for them. She could do something like this to take up her time, look at friends' pics and think about more positive things than her health issues, and maybe that would help. (Oprah does have some good ideas sometimes, haha). Her husband is probably going crazy, trying to figure out how to keep the farm and retail therapy might be a quick fix for her, but it's really hurting him.

The second couple there is, in my opinion, just plain crazy if this is the guy I remember, the one with no water, mooching off the parents, etc. etc. How in the world can parents like that expect ANYthing but issues with every aspect of their lives? They're teaching their children nothing other than what NOT to be. They have not taught responsibility to their children and the wife is simply cowering to her husband. She knows what's right and what's wrong even if he really doesn't (and I don't believe that he doesn't know for a minute). I agree with you 150% on this one Dr Phil: that bonehead needs to get a job bagging groceries or something (depending on where he lives, he might not be able to find a job doing that, or anything else for that matter). I think the bottom line here is this: GROW UP.

Money woes

We have been broke so the economic meltdown isn't new or suprising to us. My husband pays almost $600 a month in child support to children he isn't allowed to see. Because of crippling debt, we haven't been able to challenge anything in court. Money from second jobs goes to pay our bills or feed our children. He is behind on child support by an awefully big amount. I make no excuses for him. He shouldn't be behind and he will have to make it right. Those kids deserve to be supported and we are doing our best to catch up.

I have mounting debt with hospital bills. I have no credit cards and even if I could get one, I wouldn't. I had one when I was 18 and knew no better. I wouldn't touch one now for all the rice in China. But we are still in a ton of debt from those hospital bills and from student loans.

We fight about money all the time. I control the money I make and sometimes the money he makes. I make no apologies. He went to jail for 13 months for writing bad checks. It happened before I met him but he lied about the severity of it and I was left alone to have our son. I nearly died and the baby was 8 months old before my husband got to come home. When he controlls money, he spends like he is a millionaire and leaves me nothing to pay the bills. He can't stick to a budget. I consider having $25 left in the checkbook broke. He considers .25cents in the checkbook broke. I never bounced a check in my life until we got together and he wrote checks with me. After that, I took over the money. He resents it. I resent it. I want a partner to sit down and pay the bills with me, to tell each other it will be alright, to formulate a plan together. What I have is someone who is angry everytime I bring up a bill or a due date and screams at me to get off his ass about money. Further, because so much of his paycheck is taken away, he quits his jobs often. He has been through 6 of them in the last 2 years. When he quits, I put pressure on him to get a job because We can't make it without his income and because his other children NEED his child support. He gets angry and resentful and tells me that I only care about money. Funny because I havent been able to buy myself new clothes or even underwear in over a year!! My dad doesnt like him because he wont support us and my dad has had to bail us out constantly. He wants my dad to hand over the help and shut up. It is frustrating and draining on our marriage.

To help matters, I have suggested that he get an account at the bank and put his paycheck in it. We can then decide what bills he will pay and which I will pay. If it works out that way, then we can talk about getting a joint account again. I have also told him that he must have a job before he quits one. I draw a line in the sand and he crosses it. Why? Because I want to keep our family together. Ouch. Guess I needed to see that in print. And, I try to not borrow from my family, even at the cost of late bills and shut off notices.

I hate being so controlling with the money but I need to know the bills will be paid and the kids will eat. He runs us down to the wire and then tries to borrow from friends or come up with some scheme to make money. I am constantly worried about finances. I am resentful that he won't be responsible or at least support me when I am being responsible about money. I feel like I am married to a teenager with no concept of money management. And, I feel untrue and like a bad wife because I feel resentful and angry toward my husband. I want him to take more of a lead but I can't lose my home or anymore of the flimsy hold I have on our finances. I will absolutely be watching this show. Because I am afraid of what will happen if things don't change.

I hear you Liz

This has been a very rough year for me and my husband. I was laid off April of 2008 and after doing accounting for 25 plus years, I am having a difficult time finding another position in that field. The economy here in Nashville is just as slow as the rest of the nation. I have signed up with just about every employment agency in town plus I check all them major internet job websites daily trying to find another accounting position.

My wonderful Mom (87 years young) went into the hospital on Easter Sunday with stomach pains and had to have several inches of her intestine removed a couple of days later after the doctors found out that her intestine had become twisted. While she was in the hospital she contracted a very bad infection called C-diff. If you look C-diff up on any medical website you will see that it is often a fatal infection that elderly people get while in the hospital after having abdominal surgery. There were several occasions when her doctor told us that she wouldn't last more than a few more days. She wasn't eating much and continued to get weaker and weaker.

It took about two months for the antibiotics to get the C-diff under control enough so that she could be transferred to a long term care facility for rehab. We were hoping the rehab would help her get strong enough to return home. She hated being in the hospital and has told us over and over durng the years that she did not want to end up in a nursing home.

She never got strong enough to return home and around 3:00am on September 30th, she went home to be with Jesus. I am one of eight children and we are still having a hard time realizing that she is no longer with us. With the holidays coming up I'm sure it will be harder. As I write this, tomorrow would have been her 88th birthday and it also makes two months since she passed. Our father passed away in August of 1993 and one of my older sisters passed way in November of 1993.

When I was first laid off, my husband was supportive of my job searching. I know he blames me for our lack of money and over the past few months he keeps making comments that really hurt my feelings and throws it up that we didn't get to take a vacation and we won't have much of a Christmas because we are always broke. Up until recently our bills have all been paid and have all been paid on time. I am drawing unemployment and I do a little accounting on the side at home. I delivered phone books back in the hot part of the summer in order to bring in some extra money and have worked temporary assignments when they have been offered to me by an agency.

We used to go out to eat at a nice, not extravagant, restaurant every weekend (my husband's wishes). We have cut that out and never go out to eat anymore anywhere unless it is to McDonald's or Burger King and that is very rare.

My husband has taken a second job with a security company but they only handle special events and concerts so his schedule is different every week and he doesn't have a guaranteed amount of hours. I have put in applications at Target, Kroger, Macy's, Kohl's and even the UPS in hopes of finding ANY type of job just to be bringing in some money. I worked for H & R Block several years ago and am hoping to work for them again or find another tax firm to work for but that is still a couple of months away.

In the meantime, the stress here at home is getting worse and worse. I have had migraine headaches since childhood and the stress at home is making them more and more frequent. When they are under control (if you can ever control them) I might have one or two a month. But lately I have been having three or four a week. I take Imitrex shots when I have a bad migraine but the insurance will only cover one refill per month and a refill only has two shots. I have even stopped getting some of my prescriptions refilled because we are so tight on money.

Also this year, I had to have surgery for torn retinas in both eyes. Otherwise I could have started losing my sight. We have a $1,000.00 dedutible to pay and then 20% of everything else that the insurance won't cover. Since the doctor couldn't do both eyes at the same time, we have to pay for 2 outpatient surgeries at the hospital plus 2 surgery bills to the eye specialist. Each day at the hospital was almost $2,000.00 and I was there less than half a day. I haven't seen a bill from the doctor yet so I don't know how much of that will be our responsibility.

My husband's van had to be worked on twice recently for a total of over $1,000.00 which just adds to our problem.

I am so depressed I don't know what to do. Sometimes I don't know why I should keep trying. I don't believe in suicide but sometimes I just feel like giving up. My husband does not want to go to counseling but I have been receiving free counseling with Alive Hospice since my Mom was under their care for a while before she passed. It has helped some, but I think a marriage counselor would help more if I could get him to go with me.

Would you possibly have any connections in the Nashville area to help me get a job? Or could you just give me some suggestions as to what to do about our situation? My husband acts like we are the only ones in America that are going though this even though the economic problems are on the news every day. I would appreciate any help you could offer us.

Sincerely,

Elizabeth

I really hope you get this. First let me send you my condolences. I also lost my mother, it was 9 years and 4 months ago, she was 56.

Now let me get to the point. I have been in the financial/real estate industry for over 23 years. I have been self employed for 20 years, and I have never seen anything like this before. I can't collect unemployment because I am self employed. I don't even make close to what I used to 4 years ago. We are in such debt and we can't pay it back. This has never happen to us before. I always on paid our debts on time, now I can't even buy food some days. I am married also. My husband, every so often complains to me that we can't do what we used to. We have exhausted all of our life savings. My husband is going to be 54 this coming year. With the job he holds he could have retired in 2010. Now he can't.

I also need to find another job, but I can't. I have search and search. I am a paralegal, but no matter how much education you have, you can't make up a job that is not there. I would take any job, as a matter of fact I did this past year, I worked for a company soliciting in a food store. While at that temporary position I fell sick with a kidney problem. Which has changed my life on a health level. I also have a degree in art, can't find a job there either. Acting, I have done in the past as well, can't land anything there either. Like I said you can't make up something that just isn't there. So now we move on.

We have tried to sell our house, and believe it or not move to the Nashville area. We live in upstate New York. But there are no buyers. And I can't afford to give my house away. We are not in foreclosure, yet. Our property taxes are unbelievable, food costs are unbelievable. There is one good thing I can say though, the fuel prices have gone from over $4.00gal to just about $2.20gal now.

I believe that life is too short, to worry about things that we have no control over. Such as the financial crisis. We are just the little people, and all we can do is tell others about what we are experiencing. The great depression happened once, it will never happen again, at least not like it did in the 30's. We have too much technology today. We have many institutions in place to help people in need. Thats not to say that we don't have people in our country suffering from poverty, we do. As a child I did. And look at me now, I made it and I will again, and so will you and your husband. Together you work as a team, apart you fail. I'm not a religious person, but I do believe that with faith and togetherness you succeed.

In conclusion, I must say that depression is a huge part of losing a loved one compounded by illness and financial insecurity. You just have to keep your head up high and tell yourself that things are not always going to be this way. In a year from now you will see a big difference. Just have faith and don't give up.

I believe that we are not alone. There are many out there. Each with their own story.

Take care, and I truly hope this has helped you and anyone else in this position. Remember your not alone.

12/03 Families under Fire

Dr. Phil mentioned a remark which makes things shorter than I have: God will always support...

There was a flood underway and it became so deep a man had to get up on the highest portion of the roof. A boat came by and offered assistance. "Thanks, but God will take care of me." After several hours, a helicopter flew low and offered the same aid., "No, God will take care of me." Several hours later, another boat comes along, the question & reply were the same.

"God, why will you not provide assistance?"

God: "I've sent two boats and a helicopter. What else could you want?"

I am still there two years later

The only thing I can say about today's topic, and the discussions is THANK GOD I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE!

I have been trying to find a job for the last two years after earning my Bachelor's degree in my late 40s. I have had two jobs and they lasted a total of 15 days. Why? They were political campaigns, and both of the candidates I worked for changed their minds about opening offices that I was supposed to take over due to lack of funds. I live in Elkhart county Indiana, which now has the distinction of the most unemployed workers in the state; a title we "earned" just last week; 10.7%. Since we are the RV capital of the world, our county is hemorrhaging jobs. Countless homes are for sale, requests for food stamps is off the scale, and I know it is only going to get worse. If my father was not loaning me money to keep my household functioning, I would be out on the street.

As far as President Elect Obama is concerned, I have high hopes for him, and a ton of empathy for his cabinet since they are coming in to a real quagmire, and I believe that he will try his best. However, there are those that want to see him fail since he is new to politics, and a minority. He is a true leader willing to take on this challenging time. All of us must concentrate on helping our new President to succeed-whether you like him or not. We must have hope and not give up on him before we see what he can do, and not what he can't.

shiftless or certain?

I would be interested to see what kind of job the husband from the second couple gets. He doesn't seem like a shiftless spouse , but he does seem certain that he doesnt want to work a traditional job...i understand that....i hope they work it out. If he does get a job, i'd like to see an update on that. I am the one in my marriage who wants to feel inspired, but my husband only sees the practical side of life, and works himself so hard. I feel guilty sometimes when he says i should get a job to help out, and then we end up fighting. I like the suggestions dr phil has up for the getting through the fighting.