First of all, let me pose a counter-question: Why do you want to talk to your Surly Teen? If you can consider foregoing this, it is relatively easy to do, given that most teens only communicate when they want something. Just follow one of these easy methods:

Method 1: Never initiate communication. 90% of the time, this will avoid the need to engage in conversation. Most teens will not converse with you as a matter of course. That would require them to look up from their phones.

Method 2: Pretend you don’t hear them. The best way to do this is to create noise doing housework the teen doesn’t want to do. The response, “I can’t hear you over the vacuum/garbage disposal/lawnmower” will eliminate all but the most desperate requests.

Method 3: Tell them to ask again when they are able to do so in a civil tone. Since it requires nearly impossible effort for a teen to speak in a civil tone, your problem is solved.

And for the reader who asked, “When does teenage surliness end?” That’s easy. When they reach adulthood which, depending on the child, takes a mere 12-15 years.

A disclaimer: While it perhaps shouldn’t need saying, let me remind you that I have no credentials, training or certifications of any kind that would qualify me to mete out advice to anyone. This is a humor blog. If you don’t find it funny, well, that’s another issue.