Hope through the dark places

Shared Grief

Feeling very much alone, I visited Bill’s grave on what would have been our 50th Wedding Anniversary.

I gazed down at a single sunflower…Bill’s favorite…lying over his monument.

I was surprised by the level of pain I felt seeing this, and yet…such a mix…this flower radiated comfort at the same time.

I later learned it was put there by my youngest daughter who, when she realized the significance of the day for me, drove to the Farmer’s Market, and then on to the gravesite, hoping to leave this symbol of her love before I could get there. Honoring her father; remembering her mother. Sharing in my grief.

The pain has lessened once again, as I knew it would. And I am left touched by my daughter’s care.

I no longer feel alone.

When do you feel most alone in your sorrow?

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15 Responses

Zeina, I meant to respond to your comment. First, thank you for sharing your experience as a 16 year old. It serves as a reminder of how our daughter may have been processing things in her mind shortly after her sister’s death.

Along the way, especially early on after our daughter died, I did explain to her that siblings have growing pains, suggesting they would have likely caught up to one another as young adults. We’ve tried it all – every possible conversation, therapy, and so on.

After this many years, it’s out of our hands. She’s an adult – a wife and mother herself. What or how she treats her family or the memory of her sister is completely up to her. For our sanity, we leave it in the hands of God. If it is His plan for the damage to her relationship with us to be repaired, it will happen. I will say this, it has been harder trying to hold on to hope with her than it has in coping with the finality of loss. Either way, one must find a way to move forward, with or without the support of loved ones.

Robin,
It’s amazing how understanding you are to the needs of your daughter, now that you’ve tried everything you can leave it into the hands of God without feeling any guilt! As you said she’s an adult now and she can handle it!!

There are some people we are obliged to let go along the way, it may be a blessing in disguise, but I hope a day comes when your daughter will come back…

Your consolation should be that you’ve done your best to understand her whether she appreciates it or not is up to her!

Sandi,
She was 15 when our 19 year old died. In the beginning, she didn’t grieve too much but went on about her teen business. I checked with another mother who had a similar situation except she had 2 boys and she confirmed that young people move on. Since then, I’ve met any number of mothers who have had similar angst. It may be their “way” but at some point you’d think they’d mature into something more productive.

It did not help that our daughter was born wtih a stubborn streak, and, as we’ve learned from friends, was quite jealous of her sister. We’d always assumed (from our vantage point) the normal sibling rivalry, but I believe it went a bit deeper. Somewhere in all of this, I think she carries some serious guilt, and who better to take it out on than Mom and Dad? I’ve tried to tell her, fear/shame/dispapointment/hurt are often more easily expressed through anger for many.

Hoping someday she will realize the added burden she has placed on her family, and come to a place that is more open and honest in terms of sharing emotions – for her own emotional well-being. I know I’m not alone in this so I accept it for what it is, and count the other blessings in life – like the precious grandbabies she has given us. As you know, they hold the potential for bringing great joy to those around them. We thank God for them daily.

Hope everyone who visits here will be safe from Hurricane Irene. Be careful.

Robin,
I lost my aunt when I was 16 so I can relate a little with your daughter. When my aunt died I went along with my business too, except I did somethings to the extreme felt sometimes that I needed to scream it out to the whole world and other times I shut on myself. I used to get angry when I’d see someone cry or weep I never shared what I had inside with anyone, maybe it was a teen thing or my way of rebelling against grownups I don’t know…

If your daughter didn’t talk about her loss doesn’t mean she has moved on that fast, never think that. She’s just finding ways of adjusting! Don’t pressure her into grieving , she’s much younger she probably has her own ways!

I know you’ve all been through something terrible, just be patient with her this is just her way of experiencing the loss. Stubborn or not…jealous or not!! She lost her sister, her long life companion I’m sure somewhere behind that mask that you see is a grieving daughter who in someways always looked up to her sister!! Show her it’s safe to show that side of her!!

She needs to know you’re proud of her too & that her sister would have forgiven her for anything she thinks she had done!! …

I never feel alone in my sorrow. For this reason, I’m beyond blessed. But, when I read a post such as yours, the lovely gesture of your daughter, I am envious in sorrow. You see, our youngest has never been very involved in our grief. Quite the opposite! She has been difficult and removed. She almost never mentions her sister – as if she’d always been an only child. This is a pain we live with each day, but, much like we have with the pain endured in the loss of our firstborn, we’ve learned to live around it. As grief is not limited to death, we are often about the business of honing coping skills. Life is a constant balance between assessing, accepting, and adjusting.

It would have been my preference to say, “Congratulations on the anniversary, Sandi”, but congrats are hardly appropriate. However, had your beloved not been taken from you so prematurely, you would certainly celebrate 50 years of marriage. This truth is not to be taken lightly. Your daughter’s offering of the sunflower on this difficult occasion speaks to the ongoing blessings of the union with your Bill. For these, this anniversary is indeed golden.

Robin,
What a wonderful way of putting into words Sandi’s 50 years of marriage, “ongoing blessings of the union with your Bill”. I found so much comfort in those words. I was reminded of an ongoing relationship to our loved ones although they are no longer here on earth, but in heaven awaiting our reunion.

Robin,
Your comments brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much. A lovely reframing.
My heart goes out to you not only in the loss of your firstborn, but in the difficulties you have endured with her sister. I’m wondering, is this her way of grieving her loss?

Thank you for your concern,Sandi. I’m doing pretty good. I have two friends who had a hard time at the end of the service. Our pastor started out with opening remarks saying, “A week ago tonight, I received a call I did not want.”
That summed it up for all of us. Please remember my friends, Cami and Cindy in your prayers. Thanks again.

As I write this reply, I prepare to attend a funeral of a dear church friend. We had another funeral last week of another church friend. The first death was totally sudden. This friend we will mourn today had been given 12- 18 months, she had 4 weeks after diagnosis. I always feel alone when I hear the news and haven’t had time to process the information. I felt that way when my dad died a little over two years ago. When my sister-in-law passed last June, we were told that morning. Hubby and I were together. We came home and made some calls and collected family and drove the hour’s trip to the hospital and waited together. I still felt as if we were alone.

Sandi,
It is beautiful what your daughter did for you and her dad. That is so thoughtful and very touching. Our children are gifts from God and when we need them the most..there they are.
I still feel lonely in my sorrow of missing Sam. Returing from a wonderful vacation full of memories, laughter and tears…my sadness has returned today. I am concentrating on the new memories and trying to remember that some days all I can do is take one breath at a time.
Thank you for your wonderful post.

Thank you, Jenny.
Well, you’ve made it through the first year; the second is definately better than the first! Go ahead and feel sad…feel all your emotions, good and not so good…I think feeling these helps us through them. No fun though, is it?

"Words of wisdom from those who have had to walk through grief: be gracious/patient/forgiving when we forget appointments, change our minds at the last minute, don't return phone calls, act a lil' crazy."
Kelly Schleyer Powers

"You do not work through bereavement. It works through you."
Virginia Ironside,
'You'll Get Over It'-The Rage of Bereavement

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love."
Washington Irving

"I wish you would've told me," she said, "that losing you would be like losing my life."
...taken from author, Mary De Muth's novel, The Muir House.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
Psalm 147:3

"In a world rocky with human failure, there is a land lush with divine mercy. Your Shepherd invites you there. He wants you to lie down. Nestle deeply until you are hidden, buried, in the tall shoots of his love, and there you will find rest."
...Max Lucado,Traveling Light