I Want To Forgive To Return To Me

by Anonymous

So I'm married and have been for 6 years, and been together for even longer. My husband doesn't acknowledge anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, nothing. Sometimes he says Happy Birthday.

Lately he doesn't even talk to me... literally. It's very odd living in a house with someone who totally ignores you. I say hello and he doesn't respond. He tells me things, like I'm a narcissist, that I'm bi-polar, borderline personality disorder, lazy, disorganized,and the list goes on.

I work full time in investment banking and hold a senior position. We have 2 small kids. I tend to their every need as much as I can. If they wake up in the middle of the night, well I'm right there with them. I don't go out unless my kids can come because I want to spend my free time with them.

This is where the resentment comes in. When I was engaged and even before we got engaged, I had a good job and told my husband that as soon as we have kids I don't want to work, and that my goal was to get married, have kids, and be a home maker. Well, we got married, had kids, and I had to go back to work, because he's not making any money. It's up to me to support all of us. He blames the economy on his short comings with his career.

I'm gone 12+ hours a day. When I come home, he doesn't even have dinner made. The house is usually a disaster and then he tells me I'm lazy because it doesn't take long to clean. He never acknowledges that I'm exhausted. He never acknowledges how sad it makes me to leave my kids every day when I know they need me. He never sees how it breaks my heart to turn my back on my little ones when they're crying because I have to leave in the morning.

I can't believe I'm pouring my heart out on the Internet, but I really need to forgive and be me again. The hurt, anger and resentment are consuming me and I just want to be happy and enjoy the blessings I have in my life. I just can't seem to do it.

So I'm here.

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello, and thanks for telling your story here. Writing your feelings is good for you, and you took a good first step by writing here. It is clear that you feel taken advantage of and used, and in light of what you've said, that makes perfect sense. The question is, of course, what do you do about it.

I don't think you're ready to forgive your husband. It sounds like his disrespectful behavior is ongoing, and it sounds like you may not have done all that you can on your part.

It is not clear to me whether you have told your husband all that you feel. You may be unintentionally giving him the message that this is all acceptable to you, by continuing to do it. Are you telling him how you feel, and what you want? You need to do this with confidence, strength and dignity, not anger. If he's willing, try these communication exercises to express your feelings and make sure he hears you.