Q: My ex is having an affair with my former best friend, the same woman he had an affair with during our marriage. I’m hurt and angry, and don’t want this woman around my adult children. Does this mean that I’m not over my ex, since I’m still so hurt and angry?

-Lisa F.

A: Hi Lisa,

I’m sorry to read about your husband’s infidelity. I’m not sure that there’s anything more devastating to the bond between two people than unfaithfulness. It’s one of those offenses against marriage that cuts deeply, and the fact that it was with your best friend just ratchets up the anger, misery and emotional intensity even more. To make matters worse, now you discover that he’s seeing her again.

I think it’s totally understandable for you to not want your adult children to be around this woman but, depending on how serious your ex is about her, this may become inevitable. This would concern me much more if your children were still young. The fact that they’re adults allows them to see this situation with a much more mature mind, so I don’t think you have to worry about this as you would if they were still young and potentially in her home and under her care. I encourage you to take the high road here, Lisa, and have faith that your adult children will not be harmed in any way by this woman.

I also don’t think that your reaction means that you are not over your ex. I think it simply brings up some old pain and takes you back to a heartbreaking time in your life. This is called State Dependant Memory, and I think your reignited hurt and anger are tied to the infidelity that took place years ago.