Friday, March 31, 2017

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

I have those moment where I want to give up on my plan! But I say you're not gonna know or even be happy if you do! I so hard wanna believe there is someone for "me" I guess! I sometimes don't believe in that "you were made for me" thing! Sometimes you just happen to meet people, hit it off and run with it! I think we are all told a bunch of hog wash when it comes to relationships! Maybe I am just losing my faith in them!

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He goes on his rants almost all the time about God and sometimes how I am want to leave him to go the other side! He thinks I just want Pu$$y I tell him it's not about that! It's the connection, how soft they are!! He says I don't know what to do with it!!! I laugh!! Never had an issue and never will!! He think he's not good enough and I don't appreciate him!!! I try to explain to him I do and whats missing in this relationship! Intimacy, compassion and compatibility!! He want the dictionary definition of those words!! Looked them up and don't agree with them!!!

Then he goes on to say, wouldn't i rather have someone who would die for me, work hard for me over compassion, I said I want it all! He doesn't believe that's possible and afraid that I will be disappointed and heart broken if I go try to find all those things in a person! Now you wanna protect me!!!

So in other words I can't have it all and I must live without one of the most important things I believe is part of a relationship! Mmmm I think not!

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I watched a documentary "A Girl Like Her" it was about a girl who committed Suicide because she was being bullied in school! I saw how the family suffered, I don't want that for my family that's why I am trying to hold on as much as possible! It gets harder and harder by the day!! I know whats it's like to be loved and I want that feeling again! Will I find it, I don't know! But I won't know unless I put myself out there!

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I also in the process of nipping my feelings in the bud hoping they fizzle out!! It's not doing me any good but making me crazier than I already am! If I at least calm them down, I should be okay! Hopefully!!!

I've been told several times I can't make her love me as I do her and I agree! I've come to that conclusion after two years!!! I've decided to slow my role way way down

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Feeling very very angry right now
Why do we allow people to define us
Tell us what we can't and can have
Destroy our dreams/hopes/beliefs
They don't have that right
#feelingangry
#emotional
Don't text or call me now, I'll be fine!!

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

So I've been focusing on me lately! Focusing on the things that are in my control! Focusing on making it to my happy place in life! Not letting the things I can't control get me emotional, just letting it roll off my shoulders and move on!!! Right now it is what it is!!! Trying to learn to be happy with me! I do what I need to do to get thru the day!!

Whenever I drive I use to feel happy singing my R&B, now they are just another song!!! Maybe one day I'll be able to sing the songs I love to someone! That's a big maybe!!! Until then, it's about me!!!

Friday, March 17, 2017

So, with my new job I make $13/hr and get paid biweekly! My first pay i netted $737 and Gross $8XX can't remember! But that's only for 64 hrs! Man next pay will be 96 hours!!!! WHEW!!!

Anywho, I was sitting and thinking! I can file for divorce with one check! Awesome! Still need apartment! Aarrggh!!!! Thinking studio since most only ask for one month, I think!!!!

Slowly but surely!

Was thinking to help him get a car, that way he can do inspections! I won't feel too bad!! But still concern with kids, yes they are grown but still my children! Their care will always be my concern!!!

Sunday, March 12, 2017

First, it's has come to me, probably not the first time, that all he wants to do is f@@k and drink! Although he has said that on several occasions! Don't know why it's hitting me now!

Also, we talk about how we don't belong together and it's like putting a bullet in our heads just to stay and tolerate each other! But he doesn't want to let me go, understandable! But here's the kicker, he said, on more than one occasion how he believe I was destined to be like my family! Sleeping with anyone, have babies by anyone, be nobody, on welfare and happy!! My heart sunk!!!! I've been in a zombie state all day!! Nothing matters anymore!!! Just hear those words echoing in my head!!!

He also said he was over his head with me when it comes to love making because he knows nothing about that!!! And I'm over my head when it comes to dealing with him!! Says I want things simple and easy, yes, yes I do!

Trying to figure out how to pick myself up! All I have now is to allow Jehovah to get me thru this! No one should have to live with such negative talk!!! It's sucks the life out of a person! I'm trying not to be self destructive! Trying to hold on to the little bit of care I have about life and the people around me! Once the ball starts rolling with paychecks of the new job I should be okay!! I have to remember everything in due time!!! Patience and endurance