From mud huts, umqomboti and straightback to penthouses, expensive weaves and moet!

Y.E.S. 42

“If you don’t love, respect and honour yourself as a woman then the men around you will also not do the same. They will wait for Mothers Day and Woman’s Day to remember your worth and that simply is selling yourself short!” Mike Maphoto

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Being Young Employed and Single means a lot of different things to many people but to me first and for most it means I am independent. No one owns me, no one tells me what to do unless am getting paid to do it and above all I get to choose who I want to associate with. It’s something we take for granted as women. Most of you have been in relationships all your life and always under someone else. First it was your father who told you what to do or your brothers. You were a woman first nothing else mattered to them. You learned how to cook, clean on top of your household chores which were often less than your brothers if you think back. Then you started dating and more often than not you took direction of what to do from your boyfriend. He was the one who decided when to see you and in fact if you are honest, sex was determined by how horny he was because God forbid a girl who asked for sex would be seen as a whore. When you start working and are lucky enough to have a boyfriend you are still under him even if you earn more money than him. There is no 50\50 in relationships and anyone who tells you otherwise is completely delusional. The man almost always has more of the power and guess what, it us women who say he should.

“I guess that movie date is off then?”

I said out loud as I got into my car.

“What a loser? Who the hell is he to tell me who should come to my house?”

I found myself asking myself. If Ntheteng was not there I would have gone back and knocked on his door tell him to back the fuck off! I switched on the radio just to avoid thinking. Why is it the last person you expect to look at you that way is the one who does? My neighbour had been checking me out all this time and I never noticed. Even his own child had noticed that daddy had an eye on me. I was flattered and embarrassed at the same time. He had seen Azwindini walk out of my flat and much as it was none of his business who came and went from my place the fact that he had seen made me feel rather cheap.

I should call Rudzani.

I dialled the Cape Town office line as she did not have a phone. Our numbers reflect on the landline so guess she recognized mine.

“Hi, I was actually thinking of calling you, I got rather busy unfortunately!”

She said as soon as she picked up.

“Its ok my dear, did you receive your package safe and sound!”

I asked her.

“Yes I did so much. I managed to get him an early morning flight. I realized I could not come to Jhb after all as I still have to settle in. Here they work you hard and no one smiles!”

She said and I told her I was sorry for that.

“Rudzani in fact I am sorry for how things turned out between us. I keep thinking of it and it just makes me feel guiltier. I know you said its water under the bridge but I know I messed up!”

I said again. I don’t know what I was apologizing for anymore. The fact that I got her moved to Cape Town or the fact that I slept with her man.

“Its ok, its life things always turn out funny at times.”

She said and she hung up or the phone cut I don’t know. I found myself at a traffic light asking myself this,

“Lungi what are doing? Since when did you become this person that sleeps with just anyone?”

It was a moment of self reflection. I was not sure what had triggered this side of me because normally I kept my legs shut tight not that it had done me any good. How many women in your church have cheating husbands, coming out of divorce or are in the process of getting divorced? You don’t get rewarded for being a nun but in my case the guilt came from who I had slept with. He was a colleague’s boyfriend and you know what the worst part is, I was still horny if not more!

When I got to Cindy’s place there was no one there. I hooted and rang the bell but zero! No one answered. It was not a wasted trip though because I had tried. I tried calling them again but the phone was off. I decided to go to my mother’s house. I had not told her about my work things. This time Miriam’s mother was not at the gate and thank heavens for that too. I was not ready for her.

“Everything is sorted now!”

I explained to her when I got there. She was happy and said we should go to church to thank God but I was tired. I had barely slept in these last couple of days because of worry and so on. I had also drunk quite a bit this week probably a bottle of wine a night. I wanted to be at my place to enjoy the long weekend.

“Did I tell you about Cindy?”

I asked her. She said no and I explained the situation to her. Cindy was that friend that came for sleep over’s and treated my mother like she was her mother too. My mother was very shocked by this.

“Why do bad things happen to good people mara? See why I say you must have a child my child, the older you get the more complicated things get!”

Here we go again!

“Mom it’s not about me!”

I reminded her; a bit annoyed that again it was about me.

“But you keep refusing to see all these things happening. Ok fine, what is it about?”

She asked me.

“I don’t know how am going to reach out Cindy because what do you say to a person who has had a still born?”

I asked her. There is a very big difference in what you say to someone who has actually met her child but a still born even you don’t know what the baby could have looked like.

“I don’t know just be with her. She needs you right now!”

She advised. I could see her mind was still on how else she should torture me about when to have to a child. This normally was my cue to leave but suddenly I was feeling so exhausted. It’s like my joints just lost energy.

“Can I lie down for a minute?”

I asked her and she said go ahead but she would be leaving soon she had something to do at the mall.

“No, its fine let me just drive home and lie down there. This way I won’t be too much up and down!”

I told her.

“I know what you are doing; you are running away from us discussing you having kids but its fine, make the bad person!”

Eish my mom wa lapisha! She can exhaust you I tell you! When I left I told myself I should get home as fast as possible because now I had a headache. I realized that I had no painkillers in the house though but I could stop at the garages. In Jhb alone I am sure there are more garages than hospitals and clinics alike in the whole country. Next to my place there were two.

“I have a headache! It’s been bugging me the whole day and it’s not going away!”

I found myself telling the teller in the garage.

“O tla ba shap sister. You are also sweating maybe you should also lie down! Don’t drive like this!”

He advised.

I bought Panado and Grandpa, not that I could take them both together. You not black if at one point in your life your parents didn’t make you believe that Panado cures everything. I grew up like that; even for stomach ache my mother would give us that! Yah neh!

I had a sms when I got to the car.

“I miss you!”

I didn’t have the number so I didn’t know who from. I ignored it. At this stage my muscles were sore and more than just aching. I needed rest. I just needed to get home and pass out. By the time I got to the gate I was feeling dizzy. I parked the car rather badly as it was skew and chewed a bit of my neighbours parking bay (not Ntheteng’s father). That guy never came home so he would not notice. Dragging myself to my flat was a monumental effort. Something was very wrong. I was sick! Maybe it was something I had caught but where when and how? I entered my house; I had no energy to lock the door, trudged to the couch and fell on it. I was dying.

I don’t know how long it was since I passed out there, it could have been minutes or hours when I heard someone knocking on the door.

“Lungi, its Mbuso! Came to check if we still on for that movie and Ntheteng called her babysitter imagine…”

He said shouting from the door. I wanted to shout for him to come in but that would mean standing up to go open the door for him. It all felt so far away but I did not want him walk away. I was lying on the TV remote and I could feel it because it was poking me. I heaved up a herculean effort and managed to push it to the floor and it felt on the floor.

“Lungi are you ok in there?”

He shouted. He then tried the door and for once in my Jhb life I thanked God I had forgotten to lock the door. Kids, don’t try this at home. It opened and he walked in. It was dark so he switched on the light. He saw me immediately.

“Goodness Lungi, are you drunk?”

He asked walking towards me. I was sweating profusely at this stage.

“I need you to take me to the hospital please! I am not well!”

I told him weakly not that he needed telling. In a way I did look drunk so I won’t take offense at the thought that he thought I would be that irresponsible to have been that wasted.

“Shit!”

He cursed.

“Ntheteng’s babysitter is there already, it’s my niece actually. She blacks out when she sleeps so let’s go!”

He said but he sounded so far away. He lifted me so effortlessly but I felt like I was far away I was not sure what was going on.

“Which hospital?”

He asked me.

“Do you have medical aid?”

He asked.

I could hear him but he sounded far far away, then everything went dark.

I am in a Thembisa Mdoda situation. I have been married for five years now and 8 months ago gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. The baby I am certain is not my husband’s as I had been cheating on him with a guy from work. She even has features resembling the other guy but my husband does not know this. I never confessed nor did we ever get caught. When I gave birth he never had cause to do a paternity test because to him I am a faithful loyal wife. The affair lasted about four months which led to the pregnancy. My husband and I had decided to put a baby on hold to build up our finances but he celebrated “our accident” as though it was planned. He loves “our” daughter to death and does not even go out after work or on weekends to just be with her. He is obsessed with her and that’s killing me. The more he shows his love for her the guiltier I feel about all this. The only other person who knows about this is my sister and she says I must never confess to him. She smiles and treats my husband like nothing happened so I know she has my back. I just get the impression however that I can’t keep a lie this big forever. What happened was wrong and I think what we doing now is even worse. I cheated I know, a lot of people cheat but to then take such a good man and play him for a fool is what’s making it hard for me. At times I don’t even want him to touch me because I feel dirty for what I did but we married so that’s how life is.

Where does my marriage go from here? He has noticed the times I am distant and what makes it worse is that he did nothing wrong. The real baby daddy I think knows the child is his but has never said anything. I have not told him either because why complicate things. I don’t talk to him unless its work stuff and he stays out of my way but at the back of my head I ask myself how long can we keep such a secret.

I messed up, you can call me names because I have earned it but what do I do from here? Do I tell my husband? Do I tell baby daddy the truth? Do I divorce him? What do I do because I am so unhappy with myself about what I did and am doing to this man!

This is one secret you take to the grave with you….no matter what, keep up the smiles, keep up the love and enjoy your married life dear…Only a woman with a death wish would confess to such & risk being killed! trust me, your husband will kill you for sure! As for the collegue, keep your mouth shut – not a word to him AT ALL!NO!NO!NO!NO!!

Thembi2 keep your mouth shut…by confessing u will be relieving yourself from the guilt but causing everyone else heartache…your husband will kill you and your daughter will resent your and your lover won’t even care…so let this go what’s done is done…u can’t change it so move on…take this secret to the grave!!!

Thembi, But sisi wena how do you dance in the rain no-sathane without an umbrella….. Now you have not only fucked up your life, you have dragged an innocent soul into this mess, a devoted husband and lord knows how many people will be affected by this mess. And as much as empathy is creeping in via my spinal cord, you saying you cheated and many people cheat as if that’s normal makes me believe you have no morals and you don’t deserve no pity.

It’s disgusting what you did, in fact you are disgusting. This thing is a raging bull and it’s going to gore a lot of people if you don’t put it down. Unless you are qualified to pre determine paternity of children by mere looks, I suggest you do a private DNA test without your husband’s knowledge. Only then can you move on from this to making drastic decisions. Like bantu ncedani, how do you fall pregnant for a 4month fling, while married?

If the paternity is proven negative to your husband, you need to tell that man the truth and prepare yourself for whatever. I’m shaking as I type this, how are we to trust our people madoda…… And you so casual about the fact that you made another man lay in your holy ground, a holy ground that ONLY your husband has a right of access to, as per your vows, one that lobola was paid for to show how much you are valued, to thank your family and bring them together with his as one, and wena you just cheated nje coz most people cheat? You deserve a .44 calibre bullet in your anus.

ThembI2 I think you should tell him the truth always has a way of coming out be it 5 years, 10 years from now when so much more emotions have been invested and the consequences will probably be worser then now. You never know he may forgive you but if he doesn’t than you will just have to live with the consequences of your actions.

That’s what I’m thinking too, Lungi’s sudden sickness has something to do with Azwindini .. he knew what happened between Lungi and Rudzani and for sure he also knew ku she moved to Cape town, they probably planned it with Rudzani .

Thanks Mike and team; hope Lungi will be fine.
I still do not understand why people cheat, is it greed, being unsatisfied and not being content with what you have, is it the excitement of guggling more than one relationship without being caught? And if one of the above is the answer, why not get out of that relationship first then go do whatever you want seeing that you’ll be independent and will not answer to anyone? Why do people want their bread buttered both sides? How will you manage to eat it? You are old enough to have taken the big decision and gotten married to this man, have said the vows in front of God and witnesses and then you cheat thinking there will be no consequences? Why say vows if you do not mean them? What were you thinking when you had sex with a grown man with active sperm without protection even? South Africa has been rated the highest country with a number of HIV/AIDS infections and people are still this careless? Now you grow a conscience when the outcome is not favourable to you? REALLY??? And why is it always the people who have it all that mess up?! I second Jackzorro on doing a private paternity test before you babble to your husband, maybe you see resemblance of the other dude because you are guilty.
Good luck

Lol hai thembi don’t be crazy lala do not I repeat do not even think of telling him . let me tell you this most men their first kids are not theirs n they will never know ka sepedi rere ngwana otseba ke go mmae, why didn’t you speak to your mother about this there are stuff old people do when the baby is born to dilute some features which would come out to haunt you later in life . stop stressing yourself you’ve lived with cheating I’m sure you can live with this keep quite n make yourself a second baby this time make sure it’s the husband’s

I hope Rudzani and her man i not playing dirty games with Lungi shem!
Thembi2 girl your situation ain’t easy because either way you will cause pain. I say rather you tell the truth now and deal with the consequences before it turns more nasty and you find yourself ku Utatakho

love your comments jack zorro… please thembi 2 leave that man and give him my details… am looking for a good man to marry me i think he is the man that i need… why do all the bad women get married to the good man while us miss goody two shoes sit and meet the bad men or nothing at all? even if that child is your husbands i think you must still tell him what kind of cheating woman you are who knows what if your bring std’s and hiv into the house? he cant die like a kapenta fish with his eyes open because you cant keep your legs closed… and you dont sound remorseful so that means you will still cheat in the future
bhuti mike i hope lungi gets well soon… i hope she is not pregnant …

I think it would be better to do a DNA, determine for sure whose baby that is. If it’s the other guy’s baby, just tell your poor husband the truth. It is better he finds out now from you and you are called names, than to have to wait for 18 years for your dirty laundry to be aired on an episode of UTATAKHO for the whole nation to see.

And just know that if this child is not your husband’s, you’ve messed up so many women’s chances of getting a loving father for their kids with your selfish act. It’s going to take him forever and a day to ever trust another female species again.

Hope for the loving, caring, husband’s sake, this is his child. And all the best for that poor child who is going to grow up suffering from the results of you not being able to keep your legs shut!!!

these comments though!! morals have really fallen *must’ve immigrated with the chill*. with actions come consequences…the truth ALWAYS comes out. it’ll ruin so many more lives if its exposed later. imagine if your daughter grows up and starts dating, kanti ujola neBrother yakhe -and these kids zyamithisana strong these days (Ring of Lies)!! uyobusuthini ke lapho? or she gets sick and needs bone marrow or an organ…dololo iMatch. or worse, ikhule ibe neBlesser, and her real dad or his brother is the blesser!!? yuuuuh!! (the possibilities are endless). phuma neqiniso sisi, it’ll be a whirlwind now, but it shall pass.

Thembi2 Iyo I know this other family friend actually the couple both are family friends, they were in the same situation as yours anywho the lady told the husband the truth and he moved out however now he has come back & they are trying to work things out so maybe with you your husband might be forgiving so I say tell him but first do the paternity secretly if the baby is not your husband’s then you can tell him

you dont have to confess this one dear,men cheat also they have kids outside marriage. so why does it have to be a big deal coz u a woman mxm go see therapist or psychologist if its eating DO NOT CONFESS..DEAL WITH IT

It was wrong of you to cheat, and even worse without a protection. However I think you should do a paternity test, if your husband is not the father, you really do owe him the truth, because the truth really does always come out.

Weeeeh people out there have problems neh !!! Tjoooo girl but your life is a mess hey heeee wafeba wafeba waaaafebela a man who valued your heart enough to marry you mk mk nd here we are singoLungi sitting with our eggs rotting in our bodies single AF waiting on a hail Mary to bless us with a man.

Im so confused I’m a Godfearing person and keeping this from your husband is evil but your sudden need to confess is selfish, you want to clear your conscious by offloading your rubbish ratchet behaviour on your husband . This will not only destroy him and his faith in women but you will have killed your kids chance at a having a loving relationship with her father ,do u know how many ladies are filling up new grace churches praying for their deadbeat carvella wearing sperm donor exs to have a relationship with their kids kodwa went udlala uBishoza with ur chance .

Get a partenity test and pray your ancestors have protected you coz u are in deep shit Lady . If he’s not the father confess and hope your husbands bond with your baby is strong enough for him to forgive ubufebe bakho

I think Lungi caught something from Azwidini that he may have caught whilst out in the bundu’s where he works.

Thembi2. All I can say is that such secrets have a way of coming out and the longer you take to let it out, the more damage they will cause. You can take it to the grave but your child will be left with the mess afterwards.

@ Thembi2, my Uncle married a woman because she was “pregnant” with his child and the parents forced him to marry her even though he was denying the baby, fast forward to now, it turns out that the baby was never his and sad enough the child heard about that from her half siblings that she was their fathers child… My uncle is no more but looking at the child, she does not feel like she’s part of our family anymore, she has not visited in 3 years…

Best you tell your hubby the truth and let him decide what happens from there on-wards, that is if the child is not his. Anyway, dear we all make mistakes just that others are more damaging than others.

@Thembi2 People have public morality, which is more staunch in public yet privately they do the things they question publicly. So don’t let the harsh comments from our friends here phase you. They are being honest but hey you have bigger problems at hand… Kodwa ke sisi nawe you cheat, without protection, you don’t take imorning after, your husband akafun nibe nengane but you’re not on contaceptives. Ya neh… Anywho I won’t judge I’m not God’s neighbor… A DNA test should be the first step. Then ke you decide ukuthi ufuna ukwenzani. Weigh the pros and cons for both telling the truth and taking the secrete to your grave. Personally mina bengeke ngisho shem. Ucabangele naleyo ndoda that you want to burden for the rest of his life ngale information. Your conscience will be cleared, uzokwaz nokulala ebsuku and what about him? And if you do decide on telling him the truth, show a lil remorse, ungathi everybody cheats wena awsiye ueverybody uwumfazi waleyo ndoda.

Ta Mike, jst rembr staring actor has 9lives.
Thembi2, we are all sinners here. Most of us have done wrongs, cheating or “other”. Unfortunately yours is a bit complex since there’s a bambino now. Only U know if U used protection all the times as there’s always that 0.1 to 1% chance even with condoms or tablets etc. Women pls note that some men’s sperm count is strong for these preventative measures. Checking & monitoring yoself often for preggy, STI’s etc is important if UR sexually-active. Hence they say 99%. That 1% is yours. PLZ
DNA is no brainer to confirm paternity & easing yo conscience too. Question is do U do it secretly or together? That’s for U to decide depending on whether U want to start on a clean slate or only tell him if the baby is not his.
Irrespective of yo decision, yo family life will change drastically. Have plan B, C & D. Last time U didn’t use plan B, C & D. Learn from yo mistakes & gudluck. U need it.

My thoughts….take it to the grave.IF you must tell…..1.get a sample with neither father’s knowledge and test if possible 2. Plan what you will so next – live,pay Bill’s etc…oh i’d also look for another job.he’ll want to know who the father is and if it turns out its your colleague,working there won’t earn you any point 3. IF you’re telling him…tell your colleague too 4.Tell your family first,so that they ae ready for the backlash from other family 5. Have another baby (your husband’s this time) – he may eventually learn to forgive if he has his own…..but like i said my advice is Thula,maningi amavezandlebe lamnyango akuxali ngawe