But he does, according to a former "executive assistant." Kayden Nguyen has sued Seagal for more than $1 million, claiming that he sexually assaulted her. Oh, and also that he hired two young Russian to be his sex slaves.

She learned, "Mr. Seagal had been keeping two young female Russian 'Attendants' on staff who were available for his sexual needs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."

Nguyen alleges in her suit, one of the 'Attendants' had recently quit and it was this job — not executive assistant — Seagal intended her to fill.

Listen, Steven, nobody's Above the Law. I know that you may feel like your rights to employ sex slaves might be Under Siege, but I bet those sex slaves feel like their rights not to have sex with you are Under Siege 2. Believe me, it can be Hard to Kill the tainted image that comes with a sex slave scandal. You are truly On Deadly Ground here. Perhaps it is time to take a nice trip abroad, where you will be Out of Reach from such lawsuits. Take a new name, get some plastic surgery. And when someone asks if you're the sex slave-loving former action hero Steven Seagal, simply reply: "No, I'm not. You may simply call me The Foreigner."

(OK, that was horrible. I would understand if you made an Executive Decision and Pistol Whipped me to death. No no, I'll stop. Please, spare me from your Urban Justice! Ok. Done for real. Phew. That joke was Half Past Dead)