Category: deconstructing

babes!! it’s 2018… can you even believe it?
there were moments of 2017 that I wasn’t even sure I’d see the light of a new year (let’s be real… so did you). it’s just the truth… it was a hell of a year.

my word of the year for 2017 was WHOLE, and I really dug into that and looked at all the parts of myself to see how I could bring the disjointed pieces into harmony. I started to recognize & affirm each of the places in me and call them into the light: my emotional, intellectual, physical, social, environmental, sexual, and spiritual facets. and SO MUCH HAPPENED, babes. I got so much more whole & free this year. I understand myself on such a deeper level than I did at the beginning of last year, and I really do think it’s because my focus was on wholeness. ❤

this year a lot of things died and a few good things were born.

in 2017 I…
went from a pastor’s wife to an eXvangelical.
didn’t pray for 3 months.
recreated my entire blog.
brought my abuse into the light…
…and both verbally forgave & cut off all contact with my abuser.
couldn’t bring myself to pick up a Bible, except for some of the content of the gospels, for 4 months.
became a mother through the most torturous, redeeming labor.
became a feminist.
lost friends…
…and gained friends.
gained a deeper knowledge of myself as I discovered the Enneagram.
became a believer in universal reconciliation.
started writing poetry again.
began studying Reiki.
stopped believing humanity is inherently depraved the moment I looked into the eyes of my newborn daughter… but didn’t own that truth until months later.
stepped into my power and owned it personally.
found myself, became myself.
began to find joy in every part of God & my spiritual life for the first time I can remember.
climbed literal mountains.
climbed metaphorical mountains.
read loads of books & listened to countless podcasts.
began meditating more consistently. Continue reading “MY 2018 WORD OF THE YEAR”→

when I was young, I thought finding Jesus was easy, thought it was a one-time event. like, “Oh, he found Jesus, and now he’s saved.” (whatever those christian-isms actually mean?)

as I got older, I realized it’s never that simple.
because, as rachel held evans says, God chose a side when Jesus arrived here, wrapped up in our messy humanity.

so, today I am writing a thank you letter to every abuser, liar, manipulator, fool, and pharisee who changed my life. I’m writing this thank you letter, because they are the ones who have showed me where Jesus is and is not. they’ve showed me where to find him. they’ve pushed me towards him, unintentionally.

thank you.

to the people in my youth group who made jokes about me every time I was moved to tears during worship, prayer, or someone’s testimony…
thank you. Jesus is with those who are moved with compassion, because the heart of God is moved with compassion. I felt like an oversensitive drama queen for years, until I realized my heart is soft, gentle, and overcome with empathy. and that those are my strengths. and that you can find Jesus with the compassionate.

to the girl who manipulated and sexually abused me as a teenager…
thank you. not for the abuse, which was despicable and vile, but for opening me up to the reality that Jesus is found with the abused. you can always be sure to find Jesus wherever people are being taken advantage of at their core. he was beaten, stripped naked, and hung on a tree for everyone to mock. Jesus is with us. Divine Love has chosen sides, and as a mother comforts, nurtures, and empathizes with Her children, She sits with us, grieving our abuse, collecting our tears.

are you ready for the sheer honesty that’s about to hit you right now?

most things religious are a hard pill for me to swallow these days.

when you’ve had the name of Jesus twisted to promote an abusive, toxic theology of shame & manipulation, a pure spiritual experience with Jesus is damn near impossible to come by. and a GOOD, KIND, COMPASSIONATE God seems like a long shot to reconcile with the angry, volatile, shunning one that’s been fed to you.

although it’s felt like it during the most anguished of moments, I know I’m not alone. I’m not alone in the crowd of thousands of exvangelicals or dechurched people, reeling from the pain inflicted on them, and I’m not alone in the select accounts I can still read with comfort in scripture.

I love the stories in the Bible where broken-up & cast-out people are anxiously, desperately, helplessly searching for Jesus.

I like when the woman who had been turned away by every doctor & shunned by every friend finds actual, physical & emotional healing with just a brush against his clothes.

I like when Jesus protectively stands in the way of power-hungry religious leaders, when they drag a half-naked woman in front of a crowd of self-righteous men and are basically drooling to throw stones at her until she dies… and then through love, He builds her back up and empowers her so she can go live clean and free.

I like when He honors a woman who has been learning at His feet as a student, and says she chose the better thing, when she is chastised by her frustrated, jealous sister for stepping out of her gender’s expected role.

I like when later on, Jesus then defends the honor and wisdom of a woman who is worshiping him with expensive perfume and the intimacy of her own tears.

in those stories, the people always had to wade through a toxic crowd of Pharisees & the religious elite before they found Jesus.

He wasn’t with them.

they were simply obscuring the view.

perhaps you need to keep going, keep wading through the messy parade of rehearsed hypocrisy, until it no longer hides Jesus from your weeping eyes.

keep pressing on. keep coming closer, closer, closer to the center. the closer you come to Jesus, the more you’ll realize that those Pharisees might be tall and obtrusive, but they hold no claim to the Prince of Peace.

if you haven’t read my last post or you have nooo idea what this whole #metoo thing is all about… go read it now! I’ll wait 😉

as I’m sure you can tell, I am a thousand billion percent on board with the genius bravery that is the #metoo movement. I’m thankful that finally, a platform is being given to every woman who has ever suffered the humiliation of sexual harassment, assault, or abuse.

I’m thankful for the push to share my story.

but something happened on Tuesday as I pressed publish, and as I scrolled through my newsfeed, and as I talked with suffering survivors, that chilled me to my bones and set a wild fury in me. something started coming to light that left me physically ill and shaking with a holy rage.

I started noticing a common theme among those who chose to share their story.

shame. embarrassment. a need to explain themselves. covering their tracks. plentiful recognitions of “but so many other people have t worse”. an over-emphasis on why their abuser/attacker/harasser isn’t that bad of a person.

do you understand how utterly disturbing that is?

as women we are trained to be in a constant state of lowliness. we default the blame to ourselves because that is what we have been taught to do.

we literally end up carrying the shame & guilt for the dehumanizing actions done TO US.

we carry the weight of the abused and the abuser.

and it’s wrong. so wrong.

it was an astonishing amount of women who felt guilty posting their story or even those two simple words: me too.

why would we feel guilty? we didn’t want to make our abusers look bad, didn’t want them to be embarrassed, didn’t want them to have to deal with the torture we’ve been enduring, surviving, silently for years.

it’s conditioning. it’s rape culture.

as I pushed published, my stomach lurched. I was terrified. not that people would know what happened to me, but that people would question me, that people would attack my abuser, that people would roll their eyes at my “need for attention”, that people would suggest I wanted it to happen, that proof of some sort would be demanded of me… the list goes on.

I. should. not. be. the. frightened. one.

the abusers should be the ones afraid & embarassed to let these secrets find the light, NOT the ones abused.

the abused/assaulted/harassed should feel SAFE in the exposing of this darkness, not condemned, not afraid, not embarrassed.

this disturbing twisting of who is to blame in the event of abuse/assault/harassment is one of the most blatant views of rape culture.

until we remove the blame from the battered shoulders of the victims & survivors, and place it on those who actually committed the acts of violence and violation, we will never succeed in respecting or elevating women… or even at the very least recognizing & honoring their humanity.

do. better.

if you’re silently whispering “me too”, know you are so loved, so believed, and so innocent of this evil that has been done to you.

being a woman is a mysterious, beautiful, tragic, marvelous, wild, unique adventure. I love being a woman, and I think it’s a wonderful, incomprehensible gift. but at the same time, the world we live in is not female-friendly.

the world we live in mocks what they consider feminine and celebrates what they call masculine. (of course, everyone seems to have different ideas of what those terms even mean…) the world puts men in the spotlight and women behind the scenes. women are seen as simply bodies with a service-oriented attitude, while men are seen as conquerors and victors, (basically mini gods) deserving of pride and all respect.

in fact, a man (or even woman, it seems…) doing anything “like a girl” is seen as a huge insult. and it is- it’s an insult of the most gross kind to every woman that has ever drawn breath on this planet. it’s an insult because throughout their brutalized, silenced, and struggling history, women are possibly the most resilient, brave, and powerful creatures who exist.

the “role” of women may be vastly different than what you’ve always thought. for me, it goes all the way back to the book of Genesis in scripture. in fact, it goes all the way back to the very creation of woman.

because God forms this beautiful human from a part of Adam, and then God calls her the helper of man. for so many people, the story just stops there. “yeah, woman is helper. okay.” but no.

because there’s a richness and a depth in these verses that’s only revealed when you look a little closer into the actual language in which is was written.

because the word translated “helper” is actually a Hebrew word that has no English equivalent.

oh, have I got some real-life stuff for you babes… grab that coffee and a snuggly blanket because we’re about to get real like woah.

I’m learning some wild things right now, things I never wanted to learn. and as my perspective & viewpoint shifts, I’m finding heart-wrenching lessons about the reality of God, the identity of myself, and the breath of the whole world.

and here’s what I’m discovering: the magic of life, the maturity of the soul, and the strange comfort Jesus displayed with contradictions-that-aren’t-actually-contradictions are all wrapped around one thing… living in holy tension.

tension.

probably one of our least favorite words. we avoid it, lash out at it, stuff it under rugs and behind closed doors, all the while not realizing that tension is a precious ally. all the while not realizing that our fear, avoidance, and anger towards it, is making it into a monster it never was.

we, unfortunately, see tension as inherently evil, when in reality it’s an invitation. an offering of welcome into a space where we can begin to heal as deeply as we’ve been wounded, begin to find peace. Continue reading “THE HOLY TENSION”→

I announced a bit ago on instagram that the blog would be slowing down due to unforeseen & life-uprooting circumstances. perhaps someday I will be able to shine a bit of a light on the horrifying, healing, disastrous, delightful, unwanted, unbelievable journey we’re currently on… but as a wise woman once said (love you, G!): write from your scars, not your fresh wounds.

so… I’m just gently taking this journey day by day in the most loving & grace-filled way I know how. we shall see where it leads. 🙂

I’ve talked a little bit in the past about what spiritual abuse is and how we can recognize it & combat it in our faith families.

but today I woke up and decided all I wanted was to offer up a bit of encouragement and hope for those who might be leaving a situation where they experienced spiritual abuse… to those who are trying to heal from the hell they experienced, to those who have walked away & feel completely disillusioned by it all.

do you read the blog and then wish we could just sit down together in person, chat, and dig in a little deeper? or are you just dying for a deeper feeling of solidarity & understanding of mental illness, deconstructing, personal identity, or all-encompassing wholeness?

well, you’re in luck… because you can bring me to you!

every event is interactive and gentle. I always start by sharing my own story & experiences, before looking deep into the issues that plague us all. these are difficult topics of great importance, so come with the knowledge that there may be triggering moments, though I attempt to minimize them as much as possible. there are always opportunities & specific times set aside during the event for reflection and hands-on processing in a variety of ways.

yup, I can come speak to you & your friends. I’ve got a few different types of things I offer:

SINGLE EVENING
a 2-hour interactive talk on mental illness, personal identity, or sexualityMINI RETREAT
an 8-hour interactive mini series on any topic listed belowWEEKEND RETREAT
an evening + full day series on any topic listed belowGUEST SPEAKER
I can also come speak in conjunction with another event you have planned

TOPICSmental illness
how to recognize it, get help, and live a more full & free life, not in spite of, but because of your intimate battle with mental illnesspersonal identity
what does it mean to be human? why are we all so deeply wounded? how can we ever become whole again?live wholeness journey
we look at the 8 facets of wholeness & how to foster healing habits that promote this wholeness in our everyday livesdeconstructing
we’ve all believed destructive things at one point or another- and all of our stories are both different and yet the same. we will talk about the grief process of disillusionment, and how to study what you believe, in order to come to a healthy understanding of what it looks like to rebuild a theology that is an intimate connection between you and Divine Love.sexuality
we work through the painful entanglements of false purity culture, abuse, victim blaming, and the modesty trap.yoga love
get in touch with yourself & with Divine Love- mind, body, and soul -by using your body to mirror the posture of your heart. learn how Jesus used yoga to do lots of healing in me, from the inside-out!**live wholeness journey & deconstructing topics cannot be chosen for single evening events**

fill out the form below to bring me to you! and let the healing begin ❤
you should receive a response in no more than 4 business days.

your name(required)

email(required)

organization(required)

city, state/province, and country where you would like me to speak(required)

I hear a lot of talk about how we should be anti-culture, how we should be against the world, how our good Christian churches are the small door holding all those depraved sinners back from hell, how we need to listen to all our deeply revered leaders and tell everyone else that even though we love them, we hate everything about them, how we should be better than all of “them”, whoever the ever-elusive “them” is (usually I gather that it means “the gays” and people who drink and/or cuss and anyone who attends a women’s march).

I also hear a lot about persecution, about how the culture is out to get us because they’re evil and always have been, and how Jesus was persecuted by His culture, so we should expect the same

there’s just one problem with all of this talk about being against “the culture” (which, again, isn’t actually ever defined… it feels like we are usually just supposed to think of the most depraved thing that comes to mind and paint the world with that brush): Jesus did the exact opposite.

like… the exact. opposite.

yeah, Jesus definitely calls out people on their self-destructive & sinful lifestyles, and he definitely aligned himself closely with other people… it’s just that the church has somehow managed to get the recipients of those two kinds of interactions completely reversed in our thoughts, teachings, and theology.

let’s sort this out very plainly.

people Jesus aligns himself with/spends time getting to know: tax collectors, a demon-possessed woman, a half naked woman dragged by an angry crowd of strange men out of bed from a man who isn’t her husband, a woman divorced multiple times and likely taken advantage of, the politically incorrect, desperate people who didn’t know anything about God, children with never ending questions, radicals, sick people, a woman who reached out because she had nothing left to lose.

people Jesus called out for their damaging & sinful lifestyles: religious elites, prideful people, gossipers, spiritual abusers/manipulators (I believe Jesus used the terms snakes and vipers).

and the problem with the idea of being persecuted by the culture?

Jesus wasn’t.

yup. one more time for the people in the back.

JESUS WASN’T PERSECUTED BY “THE CULTURE”.

now, obviously he was persecuted. I am in no way denying this. I’m pointing out that we have it wrong when we say who it was that persecuted him.

because it was never “the culture”. the people of the world loved Jesus because for them, he was the embodiment of good news in a world that was trying to spiritually enslave, cast out, and marginalize them. Jesus was their hope in a religious establishment that showed them no mercy.

so who was it who persecuted Jesus?
it was the religious elite.
the ones with all the answers.
the ones with a god complex.
the ones who were privileged and took advantage of it.
the well-respected false teachers.
the ones forcing tithes and offerings.
the ones quick to pick up a stone.
the ones who made alliances with evil political powers.
the ones who shamed & silenced victims.the ones who had the religious power, endless respect, and who knew the right answer to every theological question that could be thrown at them, but whose religious prestige was threatened when Divine Love, the servant King, the kind God who loved the unloved and celebrated women and elevated the marginalized came into the picture and began turning the tables of their theology into one of love.

those are the ones who persecuted Jesus.

and if we can expect the same persecution Jesus faced, we can expect to face rejection, condescension, and accusations of a “Jezebel spirit” or “heresy” when we act out of love to those who have been trampled, abused, and unwanted.

members of the religious elite have always been jealous for power and married to their self-destructive, unloving theology– this is what drove them to being hungry for the murder of the most loving, most kind man in the history of the world. this is why they killed Jesus.

when unselfish love is met with “but you might accidentally affirm their behavior…”, you have found a persecutor.
when kindness is met with “well the Bible says…”, you have found a persecutor.
when grace is met with “but what about their sin…”, you have found a persecutor.
when good news isn’t good news for every culture, race, age, and sex, you have found a false gospel.

our job has only ever been to bring the good news, and to stop any who might defile the good news in the name of Jesus.

stand firm, you brave and kind women of Jesus.go out as prophetesses and healers and ezers, the Divine rescuing help of the world.

purity culture, which is a whole massive discussion that can’t be contained in just one blog post (though I made a decent effort here), is rife with the sub-culture of a twisted view of this word “modesty”.

church youth groups are constantly talking about it, from the old catchphrase “modest it hottest!” (let’s all just admit this one was poorly thought through) to the more recent rise of the Great Yoga Pants Wars. for some reason, people are completely obsessed, to a likely unhealthy extent if we’re honest, with modesty.

from the wildly inappropriate comments regarding my body & sex life I received while I was pregnant, to the damnation of the vast majority of swim suits (and often the people who wear them), to suggesting women are to blame for their own objectification, to the brushing off or blaming of sexual abuse victims, to the repulsion with a woman breastfeeding while not hidden in a corner… as these few examples show, so much of the evangelical community is disturbingly obsessed with female bodies.

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I’m moriah & this is my blog

hey babes, moriah here!
this blog is my heart in words, and the most sacred safe space I know how to create. we talk about soul care, deconstructing from old & toxic theology, and living whole & flourishing lives.
I hope you'll find that you truly belong in our sisterhood! and perhaps you'll even join me on this heartbreakingly beautiful journey of deconstruction & becoming who we already are.
you are so loved.