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Winter Storm Jonas survival tips from The Coggin Toboggan

Everyone is in a tizzy today with the weekend threat of more than a foot of snow predicted for the Philadelphia area. Turn on the TV and you’re inundated with “common sense” tips to help you get through the storm.

Make sure you buy bread and milk? Amateur hour. WE GOT IT. Make sure you have a shovel on hand and plenty of salt? Wow, who would have ever thought to have those rare necessities on hand for a snow storm? I was going to try to lick the snow off my sidewalk. Don’t drive in the storm? Oh really? I had no idea, I thought I was supposed to get in my car and drive off a cliff and get eaten by a pack of wolves.

Pish posh. We’re actually looking FORWARD to the storm this weekend because we know how to handle these emergency situations. Need some tips for survival? The Coggin Toboggan is here to help you.

Come with me if you want to live.

Most “doctors” and “scientists” will tell you that drinking alcohol only makes you feel warmer, but actually lowers your body temperature. This is wrong. Drinking while shoveling snow and hurling snowballs at unruly neighborhood children will not only keep you warm, but will also show the neighbors that you like to party and aren’t some stuck up egghead.

Snow is a great insulating material. To save on your heating bills, pile as much snow around your home as you can and shut off your boiler.

Forget about bread and milk. If this turns out to be the actual apocalypse, you’ll want to stock up on cigarettes and bullets to barter with outlanders for necessary supplies.

Have plenty of rope on hand. Perfect for helping tow someone out of a snowbank, or for hanging yourself after being cooped up in a house for several days with your loved ones.

Controlled burns of trees and brush in your front yard can make snow clearing a breeze.

Go bare chested while shoveling to assert your dominance over the neighborhood and to give the ladies a real show.

Of course, read The Coggin Toboggan to stave off boredom, preferably while crying and with the barrel of a gun in your mouth, like so many of our readers do on a daily basis.

Make remarks such as “Wow it’s really coming down out there” or “Good thing we got plenty of rock salt” to let others know you’re not some winter storm rookie.

Hire children to shovel your sidewalk and don’t answer the door when they finish and want to get paid.