Shady advice from a raging bitch who has no business answering any of these questions.

Menu

On fun-sized advice

I still check his social media. It still hurts. It’s been 4 years since we last spoke. Help. Please. Why am I doing this and how can I stop?
You’re doing it because the pain serves a purpose. It’s filling a need. It’s not healthy, but that jolt of negative emotion you get from thinking about him is preferable to the emotional void you’ve been dragging around since that period in your life. At this point, it’s not even about him. Not really. It’s about what he represents. You’ve turned him into everything that could have been but never was. He’s an idea, a wish, a fucking lottery ticket that’s one number away from a jackpot. You’re chasing a high that doesn’t exist anymore, and it’s poisoning you, but you won’t stop until the pain no longer fills the need, and it will always fill the need as long as you’ve got that emotional void. You gotta move on, not from him, but from yourself. This is about you letting go of who you once were. It’s about living in the present instead of the past. It’s about you finally forgiving yourself.

I went to my first Nar Anon meeting last night, as an agnostic… The god thing — how would you define it?
When I’m pressed to define a god concept, I’m most comfortable with the idea of god as universal oneness. The problem with universal oneness in a twelve-step context is that while those programs allow you to define god for yourself, you’re still required to surrender to a “higher power.” It’s inherently dualistic, and universal oneness is about as monistic as it gets. I dunno. As an agnostic in a twelve-step program, your best bet is to just surrender to your own insignificance and call it a day.

Why am I so afraid to go to law school? I kicked ass in undergrad and this has been my plan since before I can remember. The fuck is wrong with me now?
You’re not afraid of law school. You’re afraid of the great unknown that comes after law school. Your plan never extended that far. Not really. Sure, you always had a few ideas about what you might do with the degree, but for the first time in your life you’re peering into the future and realizing that you don’t have any control over what happens. That’s what’s really freaking you out.

Best way to invest inheritance money in the $50,000-$80,000 range?
I don’t know what stage of life you’re in, but that’s “down payment on a house” money, or maybe even “start that small business I’ve always dreamed of owning” money. I’m not suggesting either of those, because you wouldn’t be asking if you were ready for them yet. Whatever you do, don’t stick the money in a checking account and live off it. At the very least, get a brokerage account and find the nearest entry-level wealth management professional who’s willing to help you pick a couple mutual funds.

I have to choose between my boyfriend and my cat. Of course, it’s more complicated than that, but I’ve worked through the parts about moving in with him, giving up my rental, sharing space, collaborating on housework, working towards getting to a place where I can have a baby before I’m 35, and all that complicated stuff (made more complicated by the fact that I decided to read ‘All the Single Ladies’ right now…), but the cat. I love my fucking cat. I should just get over it and find her a new loving home, right?
Um, you’re not choosing between your boyfriend and your cat. You’re choosing between a major life transition and your cat. Of course you love your cat, and of course you should just get over it and find her a new loving home, but you should also be careful not to let your cat become a totemic symbol of your former singlehood when this imagined future with your boyfriend doesn’t go exactly as planned. (In other words, check yourself before one day you end up screaming “I gave up my cat for you!”)

Standard

Post navigation

195 thoughts on “On fun-sized advice”

Richardsays:

You don’t give up the cat. That cat is a member of your family. That cat is an intrinsic part of your life. Your stupid boyfriend doesn’t get you without the cat. If you’re legitimately in a place where you can’t give the cat a good home then it’s time to find them a good home. But in the “boyfriend or cat” ultimatum the only thing I see is an ex boyfriend making unrealistic demands.

Really? If you wanted to move in with someone you were deeply in love with, who, let’s say, is badly allergic to cats, you would tell them the cat is more important than a life with them?

You have to be kidding me.

My mother loves her cats. I mean, really fucking loves them. She’s a little on the crazy end about cats. Takes pictures of them on the daily kinda crazy. When we found out it was them that I was minorly allergic to, she told me directly that she would get rid of them if I needed her to. I said no, of course, because like I said, she loves those cats. Besides, the allergy was minor and I wasn’t going to be living in my parent’s home nearly as long as those cats would be alive. But that’s what I think when this comes up. A human member of the family supersedes a pet every time, no questions asked. If they’re entering a phase in their relationship where they look to each other as family, and there’s a good reason why she can’t bring the cat (and there probably is, judging by her tone), then the cat fucking goes.

My father is asthmatic and allergic to cats and has lived in a house with two of them for 30 years because they came with the woman he wanted to marry.

There are a lot of different ways to look at this question because what’s at play are our ideas about love, responsibility, obligation, and family. I tend towards the view that abandoning a pet is only somewhat less ethically negligent than abandoning a child. But of course life is full of tough moral choices; the decision to get rid of an animal should just never be confused for a simple one.

Yes, I doubt based on her tone that he is asking her to give them up “for fun” – my guess is serious allergy. As someone with severe cat allergies, I would not be safe in a home with cats. So, yes, it would be the cat or me (much to my chagrin, as I love animals). I appreciate your jumping to her defense, but it may be misguided.

Why the fuck wouldn’t you move somewhere and be with someone who accepts your animal? Cats and dogs aren’t disposable. They are living loving things that love and depend on you and view you as their family. They have feelings and souls and needs just like you do. Don’t get rid of your cat for a stupid boyfriend. Don’t get an apartment where you can’t have a cat! It’s really that easy.

I mean it’s her fault for dating someone who doesn’t like cats. I’m a total cat person, the guys I date know that’s non-negotiable from the start. I’m pretty sure she knew he didn’t like cats, it’s not something someone reveals when you’re about to move in. But yeah I agree, I would not trade my pet for a man.

It sounds like he may have a serious allergy, which is not uncommon. For one, I medically can’t live somewhere with a cat, and I have several friends who are in the same boat. Sad, because I actually love cats.

Exactly. I’m allergic and I have a cat. I would never give her up, she was a stray I rescued. An animal is not a fucking accessory you can decide at some point has served its purpose. It goes where you go, because it’s family and like any dependable it’s a responsibility you have for life. Dafuq is wrong with some people.

Come off it. If he’s allergic, a fucking Benadryl isn’t going to be okay. I watched a friend’s cat for a year and was on a goddamn inhaler and eventually a breathing machine and had to find the cat a new home. I tried, but if you have a serious pet allergy, taking a Benadryl is a bullshit solution.

She either knew he had an issue with cats and didn’t think it would be something that would ultimately be a deal breaker, or he lied. But I sincerely don’t think he or anyone else even remotely rational would have lied about an allergy.

Fuck’a cat. Anybody that would choose a housecat over a human relationship they actually care about is a mental case and piece of work. Especially if the partner is allergic. Fuck off with the cat. Get real.

Seriously. I love animals, but my husband had to find another home for his cat when I moved in. She was a sweetheart, but ten minutes in a room with her and my eyes were swollen shut and I was wheezing. I was sorry to see her go, but his attachment to the cat never held a candle to his love for me.

Cats are such foul creatures; he sounds like a keeper to recognise that! They crawl around in their own feces and then track feces and bits of litter into your bed, onto your kitchen counters. They don’t offer much in return. Of course you’ll meet someone who says “but my cat is super cuddly!” That’s all well and good, but you’re still sleeping on a bed of feces and litter bits. I don’t blame him one bit for not wanting to put up with that nonsense.

I submitted a question to you a couple of days ago and I was sad you didn’t answer, but that first question you answered fit my situation perfectly, thank you. I cut him out of social media but I still think about him everyday. I’m in medical school and it’s tough to move on when you’re stuck in a desk studying all day. How do I fill the emotional void?

I have been in the exact same situation as you and the OP of the first question and, after rising again from depression, I filled the said “void” with real love from friends and family and healed my mind with fresh curiosity towards different subjects, people, and thematics. Curiosity towards the external pushed me out of my own head and the void took care of itself.

Yep. Silvia said it. You have to make new and deeper connections with the people who are currently in your life. Connecting to people in the present is how you move on from that disconnection in your past.

I still sometimes want to read her blog. I still sometimes hurt when I think of something she’d love to hear, and then remember I can’t tell her.

The advice you’ve given about this still has a home with me. I remember what it was like two years ago — I couldn’t get through a day without checking up on her, somehow. The anger was the worst part. “How DARE she leave me like this?” I’m so glad that most of that anger is gone.

My father-in-law died a few months before she stopped talking to me. The healing processes have been very similar. Losing a friendship like this one produces legit grief – which is, in a way, good news! Medical science has *ideas* about what to do with grief. It’s still some fucking awful pointless shit that happened, but not *incoherent* fucking awful pointless shit.

This advice is dead right. I’ve been there like OP, Silvia and Alex. For Alexander, I empathize. It’s particularly hard to have a good social life or to date when in grad school, or med school in your case, when you just don’t have much leisure and you’re exhausted during your scarse time off. It’s a lot easier to get over someone when you can easily spend a night on the town or take a weekend away, at least that’s my experience.

My advice to you is to pick a few individuals in your program who have close friend potential and really invest in those relationships; platonic love is really given short shrift in our current society but its rewards are great. when I was in your shoes, I often fantasized about casual dates but realistically didn’t have the energy for much of that until my academic demands let up. But maybe you are more motivated, energetic or younger than I was!

Yeah that’s my problem. I study away from home in a small Caribbean island and I miss my friends and family and my hometown. I want to go out and live new experiences but I’m stuck having to study all the time. I’m almost done with basic sciences and I might be able to move and start rotating later this year. I hope it gets better then when I’m able to go to new cities and meet new people. Right now it just feels like I’m in a jail cell, looking out through a window watching people live their lives. As I’m writing this I realize that maybe the ‘jail cell’ mentality is what’s keeping me from connecting with people in the present. Thank you all! I saved all your advice to look at when I’m feeling down.

seriously. you can take some time to connect with yourself and the place you’re in and not even just other people. go sit in the sun. you’re working hard, you’re doing good, you know where you’re going, you’re surrounded by beauty. there’s lots of joy to be found in those things.

It’s one thing to prioritize your cat over a new relationship with someone who isn’t cat compatible. It’s another thing entirely to prioritize a cat over your current long-term partner in the course of a major life transition.

How the fuck do you get to the label of “long term partner” and never realize that the cat is going to be an issue? OP is a fucking imbecile who just blundered along in this relationship without ever doing any homework? OP knew this was going to be an issue the entire time and is now panicking (also like an imbecile) because she can’t ignore it anymore?

Ok dude chill. Imbecile? Misogynist much? Cut the girl some slack, we all ignore potential problems in partners when we’re falling in love. The cat is just a symbol of what’s standing in her way of a life transition. For her it’s the cat, for you, it’s probably your xbox. Her feelings are valid, you don’t just get to call her an imbecile for being human and scared.

I happen to have two dogs. I prioritize my relationships with humans over pets, because I’m a functional adult. So save your “clue”, crazy pants, because if it makes me insane like you I don’t want it.

The thing is, it is entirely possible to have pets, and not connect with them in a meaningful way. I believe yours is one of those cases. That’s because you apparently think pets are ‘literally place holders for human intimacy’. That is a deeply disturbing thought. You lead a very, very lonely life. Please find help.

I don’t really understand how a cat could prevent a major life transition. I get that pets are a long-term commitment, but you can have an animal around (especially one as low-maintenance as a cat) when you’re in a relationship and when you have kids.

That is the point Coquette, how do you end up in that relationship in the first place when you already have the cat? I know we don’t know the background but seriously, wouldn’t issues with the cat come sooner than later?

I wish OP would have told us whether she was rehoming her cat because her boyfriend is severely allergic, or because he just doesn’t like cats.

If he’s severely allergic I don’t think you can expect someone to live with that for the rest of the cat’s life. However, that’s only if it’s severe. If it’s minor, yeah, take a zyrtec, dude. Set some other rules. Maybe don’t let the cat in certain areas of the house, especially the bedroom. Get bedding that supposedly doesn’t allow pet dander to really get in there.

I have two cats and I love them. I would never give them up, but I would also never get into this serious of a relationship with someone who was allergic to them, and not willing to work with me on it if things ever got this far.

But yeah, if it’s simply because he doesn’t like them, then fuck him. He doesn’t get you without your cat.

With a mild allergy, an air filter and a catio (a screened-in patio area where the cat can go watch the world go by outside, away from the allergy sufferer) can also help.

Some cats are worth more than some boyfriends. Are you really sure this isn’t a signal that there’s something wrong with the relationship? Sometimes – not always – pets are the final gut-check that makes people realize the relationship’s no good.

(How are your relationships with other people in your life? Family, friends? Are you seeing a lot less of them since you got in this relationship? Are all your friends now his friends? If so, big red flag.)

I am assuming because a lot of people, when they date, relinquish their autonomy, consciously or not, in favor of the relationship. They spend every waking minute with their partner, and neglect their hobbies and friends. Spending time with your partners friends because the two of you never take time away from each other to live your own lives. That sort of thing.

My husband is an atheist, and when he was in AA, he decided to make his “higher power” his ideal self. Which I thought wasn’t too bad considering that it was about taking personal responsibility and building strength from within.

They said no, he said “fuck this” and went on to get sober in individual therapy, where he could work on the root problems instead of suffering through all the pointless platitudes.

I mean we do all come from the same big bang, and the size of the universe is hotly debated. Then again, I’m completely unspiritual and determined not to let the size of space ruin my day, so maybe I’ve got the wrong end of the stick.

There is no notion of causality at the moment of the big bang (which is weird- but logical- to say, because there is no notion of a moment or time in a general sense at the moment of the big bang).
And please don’t let the size or shape of spacetime ruin your day! You’ll be dead soon, and unless you’re a total nerd like me, don’t let the triangle of classical physics, quantum physics, and philosophy/epistemology entrap you.

At the end of the day, a pet does not win over a human. I say this as the owner of two dogs that I will beat anyone’s ass to the ground over if they ever get hurt or taken. However, I had one bite one of my children and as much as I loved him, he had to go.

It’s the same with allergies. I have no idea if this is an allergy or an I-hate-cats thing, but the cat does not take precedence over someone who is at least on the road to being a life partner (moving in is a big step). If he made it clear from the beginning that he is not a cat person, or is allergic, it’s entirely the OP’s fault for expecting the cat to stick around. It would be different if he kept pretending the cat was fine, then forced her to let it go last minute. In which case, later man. No way. But that situation is something I just do not see as plausible.

I’ve never met a cat hater who wasn’t freely vocal about it so I agree it is not plausible. I hate cats myself – I couldn’t even date someone who has one. I could be biased though. All the cat people I’ve met have been “they’re such an easy pet to have!” types and, I’ve always assumed this is related, have been total slobs who’s apartments reek of ammonia because they never clean the litter box. At this point, owning a cat has become a bit of a red flag for me.

Yeah, you should meet some meticulously clean cat owners. When I had a cat, the liter was cleaned twice a day and she also enjoyed murdering those piece of shit squirrels that kept cussing out my dog all the time. Her paws were as clean as my dogs who enjoyed trotting through the shit-covered grounds of any green city space. I didn’t find her inherently cleaner than a dog, so I took to cleaning the house more often.

Seriously, it depends on the person who owns the pet. I find that cat+dog combo cannot be beat. I also am introverted, use cleaning as a moving meditation, and have had pets save me from pretty dark places. Be it a cat, a book, or a corn kernel under the fridge, I don’t really shit on someone’s relationship with what makes them happy. I might be a fucked up, broken sad sack that A/C seems to suggest cat owners /must be/, but at least I know we all are in some way. *shrugs*

But yeah, gross people who don’t care for their pets piss me off. People who adopt dogs and never train them? I look down on you. People who get plants and let them die in their pots shouldn’t buy plants they don’t want to learn to care for. Half-assing care for something that depends on you is one of those character flaws that dry my cunt up so fast. You don’t have to be the best at it, but you better try and look for ways to improve.

I recommend to the NA-goer to see if there is a SMART meeting in their area. There is an online chatroom for what it’s worth but it’s like a chatroom from 1998 and personally I don’t pay attention. I just get distracted by facebook or some other such nonsense. I need a face to face meeting.

It’s evidence based self-managed recovery. They don’t use labels like addict, there are no steps, you don’t have to submit to a higher power. The meetings are much more discussions around a topic, too, like dealing with anxiety for an example. It feels much more relaxed and a higher level of intelligent discussion to me.

I’m currently attending an NA meeting because there is no SMART where I am and god the difference kills me. I don’t agree that I should have to call myself an addict to introduce myself and add to a discussion. I can’t believe they read from those same five pages of beliefs or whatever it is at every meeting either. What a drag! I miss my SMART meeting and when I’m back in the city where they have it, I can’t wait to go back.

Yeah, um, don’t give up your pet. Been there, done that, and you’re going to regret the shit out of it. Coke is partially right — that is, in advising caution about letting the cat become a symbol of your former single life. Unfortunately Coke’s not going to know how a classically cat-loving person is going to react in the long-run to having given up one of their best furry buddies, given that she doesn’t like cats in the slightest. But don’t worry, I know what it’s like. It’s the kind of shit you’ll be sweating over for a long time, even when you do everything right. And then, when there’s a crack in the relationship, the cat and what it represents (and no, you’re not going to get away with avoiding at least a minor level of symbolism) will drive a wedge into it. Despite what people say about cats, the truth is often that a cat can be/is a very loving companion that acts as a source of therapeutic release. When you’re feeling like the people in your life are distant, where do you go? The cat. When you’ve had a hard day, what do you come home to? The cat. Now, when you’re alone in your apartment and you and your boyfriend have a spat and your emotional crutch of an animal isn’t there to help you, guess what? You’re going to be thinking about the damn cat. It will call itself to mind all the time. The memory of those minor moments of affection, and the silence of their disappearance, will be deafening. It’s going to bother the shit out of you — and make that double if this whole drama isn’t over your boyfriend having very serious allergies (if he doesn’t have allergies and he’s making you give up something you care about enough to write to Coke about, then you need to majorly re-evaluate your relationship). If you’re a cat person who has really bonded with your pet, you’re going to feel the fucking burn when you start grasping for that emotional release that isn’t there. And yeah, I also thought that a boy would fill that void, but I quickly realized that nothing replaces that quiet, unjudgmental acknowledgement characteristic of an animal’s affection. For your sake I hope this dude is beyond allergic, otherwise what you’re telling me is that you’re willing to give up your cat on the merit of him simply disliking it — you know, instead of your boyfriend learning to love something you love because, well, he cares about you enough to do it.

But hey, those are just some thoughts from someone who’s been there. I guess you’ll figure out for yourself. Good luck.

This is the only comment on the cat thing that makes a goddamn bit of sense. Human relationships with other humans and human relationships with animals are entirely different things, they do not substitute for one another.

I always kind of assume when people come here about the cat v. partner dillema they’re ready to pull the trigger on the cat. It’s like when you flip a quarter and realize what you want half way through.

I’m over here wondering if I’m willing to give up my apartment to move in with my bf and I guess now I have to ask – will I really miss the short commute, the lavish amenities, and the sunlight? Or will I really be missing my last shred of singledom?

People who substitute love of a pet or pets for human relationships weird me out. The love you feel for a pet is great, but it’s a simple, unchallenging, undemanding love. It is so much hard to love a person, but consequently so much more rewarding.

That is so true, Kelly. It creeps me out when people say they like animals more than other people. Why? Because they aren’t self determined? Because they are completely dependent on you for survival? Because they’ll never challenge you or call you out on your bullshit? If that’s your outlook on what love is supposed to look like, bye. I’m never gonna compete with a dog or a ha pater or whatever other creature you escape to when the world demands a little maturity of you. I should never have to.

I totally agree with this, and it’s the reason I like, but don’t love, dogs. Whenever people gush over how amazing and loving their dogs are, I always think: “you know they’re genetically engineered by humans to love and serve us, right?” All my friends who hate cats but love dogs creep me out a little. At least with cats, birds, fish, or whatever, there’s an acceptance that it’s simply a cute animal you like to have around.

That aside, should you really seek challenging love? I enjoy having drama-free relationships.

I wouldn’t necessarily assign negative traits to human-animal relationship as a reflex action because you identify something odd about people saying they prefer animals.

I think the point is that human-animal relationships are fundamentally different from human-human relationships. They’re not better or worse, but animals and humans have very different things to teach us about ourselves and the way we interact with them. I think people who refuse to acknowledge that basic difference is what comes off as disturbing, rather than anything about the nature of human-animal v. human-human relationships.

It’s not about using one as a placeholder for the other. They’re completely different from each other, rewarding in entirely different ways, and not at all mutually exclusive.

We have very much evolved a symbiotic relationship with the animals we’ve domesticated, especially cats and dogs. We bring them into our homes and integrate them into our lives. As N. Nolast said above, there is a legitimate, therapeutic aspect to the human-animal interaction that isn’t there with person. They can be a centering and stabilizing influence – you still have to feed the cat and walk the dog if you’re in a fight with your SO, depressed or suicidal, for example. It gives you a chance to step out of whatever crapstorm you’re in and focus on something tangible and immediate. For some, animals can do that better than other people.

I don’t think anyone in the comments is trying to say pets are better than people or that you should always pick the animal, no matter what. All we’re saying is that is not a decision to take lightly. And that the OP should take that into consideration when making her decision. The “why” she needs to choose between her boyfriend and cat is important.

It’s important to center yourself from within. Worldly things are fleeting. I would challenge the cat lovers to learn to center and stabilize themselves, because when your cat ceases to exist in your world, you’re not gonna know how to deal. (same with the boyfriend)

That’s an interesting assumption that one is not centering themselves from within because they also find solace in the relationship with their pets. I get that some people do that, but you do realize that it’s not mutually inclusive, right?

I wouldn’t challenge someone who found the will to live through their pets because they just won one small battle in the epic War on Depression. I’d support their journey to finding that same comfort with in themselves. I can’t fault someone for using what they can to stay alive, even if it seems like a crutch to me from where I’m standing.

It’s interesting how we count the way a path looks as a character flaw.

Animals are not substitutes for human affection. They are incredibly different experiences. Animals are often stabilizing, like Lo said. They add consistency to your life. Whereas human relationships fluctuate, animals are a constant source of affection and partnership. After having abandoned my cat years ago (reference previous comment), I started rescuing abused and feral animals and rehabilitating them in my spare time. I met someone in the network and we developed an incredible relationship that blossomed through caring for animals. Love created between him, and, say, an abused dog, is not love taken away from me — it’s love added to our relationship and to his life overall. It validates him and it pleases the fuck out of me to see him happy. And the incredible validation of a feral cat letting me pet her for the first time is not something my boyfriend could ever replicate for me. Those experiences are non-substitutable. Animal relationships do not “substitute” human ones, they are additive by nature. They don’t cut a piece out of the “love capacity” pie, they expand the pie itself. I am a gentler and more stable person through knowing and being around animals, and that enables me to love and interact better with my human friends. This is honestly not a hard concept to grasp. I’m always so stunned when people view affection like a competitive grab-all. That must be very limiting.

@ N.NOLAST I agree completely that “human relationships fluctuate, animals are a constant source of affection and partnership.”

My long-distance companion suffers from asma and, even with medication, cannot be in the same space as a cat for thirty minutes. I had two cats when we met, litter-mates, who were delightful and loving. The female died at the end of January; she would have been nineteen this month.

At the beginning, I asked her if I needed to let my ex keep them and she said “no.” She understood how much I loved them. Scrupulous cleaning was required to prevent dander accumulating and my ex kept them when my companion was with me.

I was lucky to have so much love, human and feline, for all of those years. Life is simpler now, but I miss my cats who gave me joy.

Law school kid: before you enter into any graduate program (law and medical school included), make sure you have a vision for what to do after graduation. Not some generalized idea, but a concrete plan. But above all, revisit that vision and revise that plan often, adjusting it as you gain more experience and better insight into what you want to do. Talk to your advisors about real career prospects and which steps to take so you make the most of your graduate career. Also be aware that your professors were educated and made their careers at a time when getting careers started wasn’t as dreadful, student loans weren’t as high and job prospects weren’t as dire. They can be (and often are) complacent about the process, so be sure to look to outside mentors if you can.

As someone who’s coming out the other end of graduate school having done none of that, I can tell you a diploma and a title don’t mean shit if all you have in front of you is a fog of confusion.

All of this with a side order of “Please, please consider carefully the fact that this is quite possibly the worst JD job market in the history of the profession, not slated to improve soon, and if your plans involve going into a specific branch of law—much less a specific role or specific firm—think really damned hard about how flexible you’re willing to be, because even people with very shiny degrees from very shiny schools are trapped in some very unshiny jobs, forever, because a law degree is like a house that you can never, ever sell.”

Dear law school kid:
I agree with CQ’s answer to your question (why you’re so scared), but I’m also here with more cautionary tales [sorry].
Getting through law school and coming out the other side with a career is exceptionally difficult, *especially* for those of us accustomed to “kicking ass” academically. The psychological toll of this pressure manifests in the alarmingly high rates of depression and substance abuse among attorneys and law students (15-20% higher than average). As other commenters have mentioned (and as I’m sure you know), law school will have you paying off at least six figures in loans – unless your parents are funding or you land a scholarship. What I’m trying to say is that it’s critically important to really consider whether law school is the right choice for you, right now. It’s an enormously expensive and psychologically difficult endeavor – even if you are extremely well-qualified and capable.

My ex-stepfather required that we get rid of our cats because he was allergic. Several years later, he took an allergy test and guess what – he wasn’t allergic. But my mother told us this on the DL because we weren’t supposed to know. If it’s a legit allergy, it’s understandable, but you’re responsible to find your pet a good home. However, if it’s not, it’s a red flag. He’s my ex-stepfather for a reason. Also, a shout out to Coquette, because this blog helped me to validate many of the issues I had had because of him.

If it had been a dog, the comments would have been equally unhinged. The craziest comments I’ve ever seen on any advice column are when the columnists address giving up a pet because a partner is allergic.

Was the boyfriend allergic? I was under the impression that we did not know the why the cat has to be gone, rather that the cat could not join in the new living situation.

And given how many people use a fake allergy excuse to not have to communicate their wants (oh hey, gluten), I can get why so many people are conflicted. It’s cute watching people try to rile each other with polarizing language while some people are just like “really, i like putting my doge in batman costume.”

Yeah, I will be over here planning my boyfrayund’s dog’s quinceanera. I’m really one of those people. Damn it.

I am actually a nutter, and my cat makes me less nutty (though he does make me look nuttier, because I sometimes walk around in public with him on my shoulders).
For myself in particular, anyone asking that I give up my cat is asking that I take a significant hit to my mental health and ability to cope with the world. Fuck that shit.

I wish we had the reason the boyfriend wants her to get rid of the cat.

That being said, I hope if the reason is that he just doesn’t like cats/her cat specifically, the people saying “your relationship with a human should always come before your relationship with an animal” would reconsider. Is the relationship still more important if it’s with a human who makes you get rid of something you love (a living thing, no less) to make him happy, rather than working out a compromise?

And if that’s the case in this situation, I think she should pick her boyfriend’s most prized possession and tell him she doesn’t like it and he has to get rid of it if he wants her to move in. Of course she shouldn’t follow through with that, but his reaction will be very telling.

I don’t even have a cat, never had one, but I gotta say I LOVE this solid brick wall of ‘don’t give up the cat’. LOVE IT. For the very first time since I started reading this blog, I feel genuinely sorry for Coke, whose response shows that she’s never experienced the absolute magic of really bonding with non-human animals. It’s a life-altering thing. Pets aren’t disposable, and it warms the cockles of my cold, dead heart to see that so many of your readers know that.

Coke, please. Many years ago I had a bad case of the ‘flu that kept me in bed for three days. My male cat sat on the bed to guard me for all three days. He would leave to use the litter box or eat for a few minutes, then run back to watch over me.

When my ex learned that a family member had a terminal disease, she burst into tears. The female rushed from another room, sat at her feet and began petting my ex to comfort her.

I’m glad you’re such an expert on cat behavior. What’s your relationship with cats again? Oh yeah, your only affiliation is having made your partner give up his cat to be with you. Sounds like you’ve really gotten a wealth of experience, huh.

Look, nutbar, I didn’t “make” my husband do shit. We also have a cat again, one with short hair who doesn’t bother my allergies. My statement was clearly a joke. Well, clearly to anyone who’s not crazy.

Oh come now, Coke. Even if cats didn’t care (and many of them don’t, I agree), that’s not the reason humans get cats. People get cats for the stability it adds to their lives and the affection (even if “meaningless”) it brings. The truth behind whether or not a cat cares if you live or die is irrelevant to the cat’s effect on your life while you’re alive. And if the person posing the question cares about the cat enough to ask you this question, well, the cat’s effect has obviously been enormously positive.

No, I’ve had very loving cats. One of the most adorable things my cat does is when the dog goes for a walk, she cries nonstop and alternates between sitting by the door and the window, waiting for the dog to come back so she can kiss her for about 5 minutes upon her return. She’s not quite as nice to me but that’s fine. She found her somebody and that somebody just happens to be a french bulldog. I understand it and I support it.

But yeah, maybe the guy is saying your cat isn’t going to fit into his life because your cat is actually a mean piece of shit, and maybe you’re just being delusional about your cat. If it was super nice and lovely, I’m not sure he’d be so against it unless he’s genuinely allergic but I think your question would’ve read differently if that were the case.

You are a wise and insightful woman in many ways. But when it comes to cats you absolutely do not know what the fuck you are talking about. You don’t understand cats and you don’t understand cat people. Nothing wrong with that, but the sycophantic nature of dogs does not suggest real love any more than the independent nature of cats suggests that they “don’t give a flying fuck whether [their people] live or die.”

There’s so much sexism, rightism and just plain ignorance about animal behavior and evolutionary biology that comes up when people hate on cats. And it is weird when really woke ass people just can’t see that, and then feed into all of the bullshit.

I’m sure you’ve gotten about a trillion answers to this, but –
Several years ago, an old college professor of mine died in her home, and her two cats witnessed it. She knew she was going, so it wasn’t a traumatic event, she just lay in bed at home instead of in a hospital. For a few days after, funeral arrangements were made away from the house, and I moved in temporarily to help the cats acclimate and get them ready to move in with me. We didn’t move furniture or have in-home visits to keep from stressing them out. This was all done by her request, it was really important to her.
I’d spent the week at her house before many times, both with and without her there (pet sitting), so I knew exactly how they would react, or so I thought.
These two mourned her death, big time. Hiding under the bed, refusing to eat, not playing with their toys, all things they’d never done. The vet I took them to said he’d seen it before many times, and told me time and affection were the only helpful treatments he knew.
They’ve recovered fully since then, although it took months. They are happy and healthy now, but they cared, and mourned her passing.
That doesn’t compete with a dog heroically pulling children from flaming houses, I know. I’ve also re-homed pets I couldn’t keep in the past, so I won’t say OP shold cling to her kitty. I just wanted you to know, even if you have strong reason to believe cats don’t give a shit, there are still instances which indicate the opposite.

@Dots – Rome is cat-city. Even a recent former mayor, a Fascist, whose election was greeted with Fascist salutes, defended cats and owned a Russian Blue.

Largo Argentina has a huge cat shelter and it was from there that I adopted my two. The volunteers (shout out) told me the story of a mature cat, Rex, who was abandoned there and refused to eat. They said that many abandoned cats do the same.

The truth came out when they saw Rex eating. The man who had abandoned Rex would pass by every so often and only then would Rex eat what the former owner gave him. They persuaded the former owner to ease the transition. Rex survived and was later adopted into a loving home.

You do realize that dogs have been selectively bred to have those traits that look like giving a shit? It’s a hardcore case of anthropomorphizing to imply that any of these animals actually give a human fuck for us.

Both are capable of affection and positive socialization with humans. Both animals can be “assholes” or gross, so pointing that out about either is kind of pointless.

Of course, I always wonder if this woman had talked about giving up a dog for a relationship, if the response to it might be different. This debate has more layers than people typically even realize. Dogs are the pets of real Americans, masculine and useful and cats are a women’s pet, so obviously they’re “less”. Fuck that. If a person loves their cat, don’t be a fucking asshole and just assume that’s not a real thing for them, and then make sure you’re not throwing in casual sexism when you give out advice about it.

OP wants to HAVE CHILDREN with this dude. We don’t know the reason why she has to choose between him and the cat. He could be allergic, in which case the fact that she’s even having trouble choosing between them is the bigger issue. “Oh man, the future father of my children is allergic to cats, do I choose the cat?” ?????

Maybe he hates cats and is making her choose, so the issue is “The future father of my children thinks his petty annoyance matters more than our relationship” ?????

Or maybe their living situation just doesn’t allow for pets, who the fuck knows. She said it’s complicated. Maybe she’s the type of crazy person who’s already named their unborn children before they even got to the point of moving in together and she thinks she has to give up the cat in anticipation of her life taking a turn to fairytale land, in which case the cat probably deserves better anyway.

Yeah, it sounds like she has cold feet (mentioning “All the Single Ladies”? saying it’s complicated? listing out her entire schedule of life goals without mentioning the qualities of the dude in question?) and Mr. Meow Meow Floofers may be a convenient way out. I mean, I want to hear more of the situation so I, Internet stranger, can judge whether she’s being reasonable about it or not, but the cat seems like an excuse.

The universe is a disturbing place. That question could literally have been from me six years ago. We were moving abroad, and going in pretty blind, so I decided to rehome my cat of three years. I’ve thought of him almost every single day since. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy and like where we are, it’s that the uncertainty about whether he’s happy that gets me in the gut every time. We found him a good home, they send us pictures and what not, but I can’t really know, because I opted out of knowing, six years ago. I feel like I picked him up when it was convenient for me, and then dropped him when it wasn’t. That was not OK. We could’ve made it work. You know what they say about hindsight! If you love your cat, if you want the cat in your life, KEEP the cat in your life.

To the would-be law school student –
Only go to law school if:
1. You can get out debt free
Even a half-decent law school (and please, do not go to a half-decent law school go to the very best one you can get into) is going to cost you 100K.

2. You have a solid, definitive plan for the career you want to pursue
I’m sure you’ve heard the trope about, Oh you can do so much with a law degree! That is patently untrue. Trying to go into a different industry with a JD on your resume is not a plus. Many businesses will either assume you are not serious about the position (Why would a lawyer apply for this? They’ll probably just leave!) or your salary expectations will be too high.

3. You KNOW you WILL graduate at least in the top ten percent of your class
And I’m here to tell you, you probably won’t. I mean, that’s just statistics. The reason you must graduate with honors is that, those are the graduates that get hired. Graduates in the bottom half of their class do not get hired.

If you really do want to go to law school, I strongly suggest you become a paralegal first. The pressure is much lower, you can take your time, and the education is INVALUABLE for law school. You will be light years ahead of your peers because you will already have a working knowledge of the law, reading cases, understanding civil procedure, etc., which are all things that 1Ls haven’t a clue about.

Good luck!

PS All that said – it does depend on what you want to do. I mean, I paid as I went so I have no student loan debt. I also went to law school specifically to go into environmental nonprofit/public service work and I was well aware of how low the pay is. I get paid in spare change and canned goods, and I knew that would be the case going in. So there’s that.

I needed to read the first answer. Actually, I needed to read it a year ago when I felt even worse. I’m similar to some of the commenters in that I can’t get over the guy because of my lifestyle: I’m trying to finish a doctorate that feels never-ending, like pushing back against a moveable barrier that only yields a little bit every day. So, barely any social life/money, no hope. I saw him today. I have a week to go before I submit the thesis. I’m in tears in the library. What CQ/Silvia say is so true: the void, the wish, why burying yourself in your “real” emotional relationships makes it a bit better. Thank you.

Keep the cat, period. Even if it’s not about the cat, you’re not ready to give up “the cat” for the dude just because you are a bit on the clock to have children and be grown up. Seriously, keep the cat. The rest will find it’s place to happen and it won’t be this hard.

I would be wary of an ultimatum right at the beginning of this stage of your life. Whether it’s about a cat, giving up your hobbies, or giving up people, be careful with a guy who wants you to remove parts of your life. (Since OP does not mention allergies, I don’t think that’s part of it. It’s such an obvious thing to point out if it’s really the cause.)

I saw the comment number on this post and I thought: “I wonder what controversial thing Coquette said to start this fight” and then I read it and couldn’t for the life of me figure out what was going on, only to find out in the comments that it’s all over a fucking cat.

I read a fuckton of advice columns, and the most unhinged comments are always when there’s a question about giving up a pet (cat or dog) for a partner, whether it’s because the partner is allergic or just not fond of cats/dogs. The crazies come out in force: “a pet is basically way better than a human being, and how dare you even think about ever giving one up.”

Coq, you never said any thing I totally disagree with before. You don’t know why the LW “has to get rid of the cat” but you agree zi does? WTF? Was there more to the letter than you posted? Cos substitute dog or kid or your violin when it’s the only thing you love and you pretty much said, yep get over it and don’t let it become a symbol of other shit. Without knowing why the writer is required to choose how do you know he boyfriend isn’t an abusive asshole ?

damn ipad posted too soon & badly written, to add to above comment, I get it your last bit was telling her to really look within before she ended up blaming the boyfriend for a decision she didn’t make awake. However, I get a bit pissed when anyone takes responsibility for a pet and it’s disposable to a degree that you reach getting hooked up before you even think about what it means for a dependent creature. I feel a deep responsibility for any animal I take in, I wouldn’t abandon an animal for someone that didn’t share that. It’s a large disconnect in ethics and empathy, and has nothing to do with the species.

My guess regarding the cat lady is that the boyfriend has a nice apartment that has a strict “no pets” rule from the landlord (or condo association). I don’t think it’s allergies; if allergies were the obstacle, she probably would have phrased it as “I want to move in with my boyfriend but he’s allergic to my cat” — much simpler, more concise. I bet that, compared to her apartment, his place is bigger, more desirable in some way, or (least likely) more affordable.

The typical solution to such a problem, if the cat is important to her and it’s not a matter of allergies, is to delay cohabitation until they can move together to a third place (neither hers nor his by seniority) where the cat is allowed. In addition to being able to keep the cat, there would be the advantage of the 3rd place being equally each of theirs. Such a plan may cost more, of course, than just moving in with the guy, and could delay things for a few months to a year.

I speculate that there are two possible reasons she’s not wanting to move together (cat in tow) to a third place:
Either
A) she just wants to be rid of the cat, after all, but doesn’t want to see herself as the kind of person who discards pets. Moving in with the boyfriend becomes a “had to do it” rationalization. Red flag is the “have to” language in the question. If she feels that way, it’s best to admit it and find the cat a home where it’s actually wanted.
Or
B) she’s in such a rush to have a baby on her self-imposed deadline (a few years +/- 35 is nbd medically, but of course everyone has a right to their reproductive goals) that she feels she has neither time nor money to spend finding a third place that she and her man can move into together. If she’s putting herself and her relationship under this kind of time pressure, the cat dilemma could the least of her troubles in the near future. Establishing a shared household, a committed relationship, conception, pregnancy and infancy are huge challenges that no one can fully control or script. The sort of perfectionism that generates the list in OP’s question often can come aground in a very distressing way when life happens and one or more of those checkbox steps doesn’t happen, happens “wrong” or is uncontrollably delayed.

And my scenario B circles back to what cat-anti-fancier Coke says. Giving up the cat to move in with this guy (presumably into his place) isn’t some kind of cosmic bargain where you get anything in return except for a move and some life experience. Assuming there’s no allergies, you can get — or not get — the married-and-kids stuff with or without the cat, depending on how your best laid plans and luck interact.

P.s. I am not a cat person, nor am I anti-cat. If OP just wants permission to give up the animal, fine, just do it, it happens every day and it’s not the worst thing in the world. Scenario A. But it’s not a “have to” thing; it’s more empowering to own your choice and “choose to.”

A few years +35 is very much a big deal! That is when the likelihood of fertility problems, genetic defects, health risks to the mother (high blood pressure, diabetes, etc.), ectopic pregnancies, and stillbirths increase, among others.

Of course, the population stats are less relevant than the details of any individual’s situation.

In any case, based on the limited peek we got, I personally wouldn’t rush into anything with this particular guy. Like I said, I seriously doubt it’s allergies. If he wants to get rid of the cat, what else will he tire of when it becomes inconvenient? And if it’s logistics, they ought to be able to decide together without an advice columnist.

As far as a “kick in the rear” I guess that means you think she wants to be rid of the cat and wants validation? Ok, very possible. But you could also read it that she really doesnt want to go through with it and wants to use the cat as a reason to call it off. Third case, maybe better planning means she doesnt have to choose. In any case, she’s gotta OWN the choice, not fall for a passive delusion of “have to.”

The most fascinating thing about this string of comments from cat people is that the boyfriend is assumed to be either 1) allergic to cats, 2) an abusive asshole, or 3) an abusive asshole who is allergic to cats. Honestly, who gives a shit?

Folks. I’ve been doing this a long time. HER QUESTION WASN’T ABOUT THE BOYFRIEND. It wasn’t even really about the damn cat. Her question was about a fork in the road. It was about a major life transition. It was about a choice, one that she had already made before asking me in the first place.

She just needed reassurance, and that’s what I gave her, but all y’all crazy cat lovers down here have no doubt fucked with her head to the point where she’s dizzy. So, if y’all don’t mind, STOP SYMPATHIZING WITH THE CAT AND START EMPATHIZING WITH THE HUMAN BEING.

Enough with the cat vs boyfriend bullshit. Look past that. Recognize that this woman is terrified of all the changes happening in her life and THAT’S WHAT’S IMPORTANT HERE.

Nope, at core she said “I have to choose between my boyfriend and my cat” and no she has not decided. She asked you to decide. You told her to ditch the cat then told her she couldn’t use that as a blame game if things didn’t work out.

I’m not a “cat person” whatever that means. I’ve had animals in my life and treated them with respect, each kind. I do think if you take in an animal you have a responsibility to it. I also think that if you feel this way, anyone you are compatible with for the long term will share that feeling/ethic. So it bothers me that this LW says she has to give up a loved pet for a human, maybe why is not clear by now? It has nothing to do with the species and everything to do with how she and her boyfriend view life. And maybe that’s why she is “terrified” of making a decision to throw away the cat, maybe that is a change in her ethics that she recognizes will harm her.

Of course she’s decided. Look at that list of logistical issues she’s already worked out. Now there’s only one thing she has left to do – face giving up the cat. The way she phrases her question at the end makes it clear that she knows what she really should do, and what she ultimately wants to do, but she wants Coke to give her a good kick in the rear.

This! I thought I was a cat person until I read all these comments. I like my cat a lot more than I like most people, but when I needed to move across the country to pursue a professional opportunity I found him a new home – with my parents, which is unique in that I know they’re committed to him and I get to see him whenever I visit – but nevertheless, I knew my responsibility to him was fulfilled. Do I miss him? Absolutely. I also miss friendships that have ended. I miss my hometown. I miss my childhood. Life is like that – you make tough decisions.

Aren’t we sympathizing with the human here? I’m pretty sure she said she fucking loves her cat, but it probably getting a lot of shit from people who don’t like them telling her she’s being a crazy woman. Everyone else is making it more about the cat than what she actually wants.

Said it before and gonna say it again, fuck’a cat. Anybody in this thread who’s getting defensive on behalf of the cat is mostly likely leading an awkward, isolated existence. And awkward isn’t weird. And isolated isn’t by choice. Or you annoy the fuck out of people on your social media with your cat pictures and updates. Chill the fuck out. Humans come first.

I cried when my dog died, I get sharing a bond and love with an animal. But when it comes to being with a significant other I’m IN love with versus the dog, and the reasons for losing the dog are valid (health related), then I would give up the dog. I am also biased and see cats as expendable, they are nearly self-sufficient and generally their owners tend to be obsessed and emotionally crippled, meanwhile the cat could give an actual fuck. They’ll get along shitting and eating somewhere else, easier than a dog will that’s for sure.

And yeah, isn’t it absolutely crazy that I choose real meaningful human relationships over an animal bond. Jesus, grow up.

I can’t imagine sitting in my apartment after refusing to accommodate a human I’m in love with and the cats there LOL that image cracks me the fuck up. What a life some of you must lead!

Firstly, I feel two of these questions could be a way more succinct version of some novelish submissions I’ve sent. Regarding the higher power, I think it’s more about realizing your powerlessness and handing over your problems to the universe than “surrender”. If I think about it like that it is much easier. Also, your higher power can change. It’s whatever you need it to be. It can be your dead grandma one day and a doorknob the next.

I sympathise with Law School kid because I asked Coke a similar question or five when I was considering where to go and whether to actually do it. Australian refugee law is so bad (see: fucking awful) at the moment that there will be shit that needs to be done for years and years to come.

I don’t know if my response sheds any light because our debt system is different, which I understand is a make/break kind of thing, but if they can see what they would do post Law, why not?

Because piddling things like knowing what they’d like to do, being well suited and trained to do it, and there being a great need for same, have not the slightest shred of anything to do with whether or not they ever get to do it.