07 December 2009

I've touched on innocence before. This painting, by my 5 year old niece, led me to consider it once again. It occurs to me that the very core of innnocence has less to do with a lack of knowledge and more to do with an implicit trust in all things. For instance, its not that my niece doesn't know about violence (although she probably may not), but rather that she trusts that everyone she comes into contact with is inately good. The result is that she, in turn, is able to love others more purely than most. Certainly more than me.

For years I've tried to act out this level of trust in Jesus. And I've failed. Or maybe fallen short is the better way to characterize my feeble attempts. And I know that this kind of trust is not possible without the work of Christ and the Spirit within me. I'm just not exactly sure what that looks like on a daily basis. Or how to better cultivate it.

Actually, I think prayer and otherwise spending some quality time with Him would go a long way in fostering this; but I find it so hard to commit. It almost seems that I'm afraid to lose my life. The very life that, at times, leaves me in ill contempt of Him for the very reason that I am unable to give it all. Like every single breath. Every single step.

And I know its a process. And I know it takes a certain amount of balance.

But I'm way past that, and the reasoning that follows.

I want to hang (on the cross) with Him. I want to struggle to find the next breath. I want to give up my spirit.

Someone lost to the world doesn't want Jesus to save them from hell. They know they are already in a hell of brokeness and despair. They want Jesus to save them from the hell they are in. They realize his love for us proven in his death for us fills the hole in their heart like no earthly desire (sin) ever could. They easily can trust in him for their daily bread, and for their sometimes long climb out of hell, because the cross proves he still lives them even when they fail.

Your niece can love because she has no guilt. The new believer can love because they have no guilt. And you can love because you have no guilt from failure, too.

More prayer won't make you love him more. You will pray more when you do. Believe that in all the free choices you make each day, the results are completey up to a sovereign god that is completely in control. When you trust (believe) that only his will is coming to pass, you will love him for the very air that you breathe. Don't consider your failures. He doesn't. In your failures is where grace abounds.