Feel like giving up on trying

I don't usually post my own problems anymore, but today has ... sigh. I saw my CPN (community psychiatric nurse) and I'm not happy about the news.

The NHS is re-dividing the city into "colour zones." Each colour gets assigned to a psychiatrist and mental health team.

I live in the east of the city, and my GP's surgery is even more eastern. However, my GP's surgey is in the "pink" zone, which for some completely arbitrary and stupid reason means that I should be under the care of the west mental health team.

This means that at some unspecified point in time, maybe next week or next year, because the NHS hasn't actually set out any timeline, I will be "transferred" to another mental health team, probably farther from where I live and.... Also, there's not an even distribution of psychiatric staff between the different coloured zones which means that I will be placed in a "waiting pool" for up to a year with no support....

All because my GP's surgery is "pink" and I live in a "yellow" zone. Get your head around that. I would have to go through a new assessment as if I was a new patient and begin the whole process that I have been working on so far from scratch. Because my GP is "pink" and I'm "yellow."

Something I've not really spoken about recently with anyone except for my best friend is the effort I've had to put into not self harming or other, worse feelings. I've learned not talk about those things. The local NHS has yet another fantastic view on this subject: I am rational and I am capable of making the decision whether or not to harm myself or worse, and so I am a lower priority. Apparently it is quite okay if you injure yourself or give up entirely because that would be a conscious choice. It's not the same as someone who doesn't know what they are doing. Basically, suicidal ideation or self harm isn't taken seriously so long as it's your choice and you have reasons for it, even (or especially) if you realise that thinking is not healthy and you are asking for help.

I could change my GP but a) there's not guarantee that it would actually help and b) I've been with this doctor for 14 years now and both he and the nurses at the practice know my situation intimately. I don't want to gamble on the idea that I should abandon someone who's been supportive and understanding.

All of this because someone took a magic marker and drew some pretty coloured lines which mean nothing.

I feel ****. How can anyone make such an arbitrary decision, which could set me back so far, when I'm trying my damnedest to just maintain a level of normality? Why should I be put back to square one when I've made the effort to engage with everything offered to me because of a colouring exercise by some bureaucrat? And who the … arrived at the idea that as long as I can give a rationale for wanting to harm myself then that’s all okay?
I’m sorry for venting, This has just really upset me. I’ve been trying so hard, and this is just … more than a kick in the teeth.

So sorry you're going through all of this, Emp...it does sound discouraging. It has been a bit of a shock for me to hear about the troubles a lot of you have with the NHS since as an American I'm living in a country without universal healthcare and I've always assumed that all of you have it so much better.

I don't have much to offer in the way of advice but you are in my thoughts and I'm sending you lots of hugs and encouragement from across the pond. Come hang out with us in chat sometime, that almost always helps me feel better and more connected when I'm down.