Huppke: Dear patriots, protest change until you're naked and alone

By Rex Huppke Chicago Tribune

Wednesday

Sep 12, 2018 at 12:01 AM

Burn your Nike shoes. Burn every one.

Cut the Nike swoosh out of your shirts and socks and sweat-wicking T-shirts. Let those holes tell the world you protest the company's decision to pick former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick as the face of its advertising campaign celebrating the 30th anniversary of the "Just Do It" slogan.

Burn it all. Right now.

Kaepernick was the first player to kneel while the national anthem was being played, a silent protest of police brutality against black people. You have deemed that deeply offensive to the flag, sensibly ignoring those who tried patiently to explain that it has nothing to do with the flag. So you must maintain maximum outrage over Kaepernick's place in Nike's high-profile ad campaign.

You bristle at the tight close-up on Kaepernick's eyes, the photo in black and white, bearing the words: "Believe in something. Even if it means sacrificing everything."

How dare Nike, an enormous global corporation, make a carefully considered business decision that suggests you're on the wrong side of an issue and that your worldview will not win out?

How dare Nike side with those who believe taking a stand against injustice might be even more patriotic than standing during the national anthem at a football game. NOTHING IS MORE PATRIOTIC THAN STANDING DURING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AT A FOOTBALL GAME, AND THAT IS DEFINITELY THE ONLY REASON YOU ARE SO OUTRAGED! YOU ARE FOR SURE NOT TRYING TO AVOID THE DIFFICULT SUBJECT OF RACE IN AMERICA! THAT'S A RIDICULOUS ACCUSATION!

And so you must burn all your Nike gear, including any Converse shoes or apparel, because Nike owns Converse. Burn it all up, real good.

But don't use all your matches, because there's more to be burned.

None other than the CEO of the all-American jeans maker Levi Strauss & Co. wrote in an open letter published on Fortune magazine's web page that he has sided with the liberal gun-grabbers.

Chip Bergh wrote: "Levi Strauss & Co. is stepping up our support for gun violence prevention. ... Americans shouldn't have to live in fear of gun violence. It's an issue that affects all of us — all generations and all walks of life."

Bergh's letter said the company is teaming up with the Michael-Bloomberg-financed group Everytown for Gun Safety and directing "more than $1 million in philanthropic grants from Levi Strauss & Co. over the next four years to fuel the work of nonprofits and youth activists who are working to end gun violence in America."

You are shocked, I'm sure, about this development and can't wait to get home and burn the jeans off your body.

But there's more. Bergh went on to write: "We can't insulate ourselves from every threat. We can't 'harden' every place we gather — whether it be our schools, workplaces, shops, churches, or entertainment venues. But we can take common-sense, measurable steps — like criminal background checks on all gun sales — that will save lives."

You consider that outrageous and almost as bad as what Nike is doing to destroy the game of football and patriotism.

So, obviously, it's jeans-burning time. Drop those denim trousers and get out the kerosene. Douse 'em and spark 'em up, and don't forget to shoot video of the inferno with your phone so you can post it on social media and teach those First-Amendment-haters at Levi Strauss a lesson by destroying a product you already bought.

And don't stop at the jeans. Levi Strauss owns Dockers, so you better torch your khakis and any "Signature Performance Polo" shirts or "Performance Polo with Smart 360 Flex" shirts or anything that carries the Dockers logo.

The fact that another major corporation has opted to cater to the growing majority of Americans who disagree with one of your core beliefs, confirming your position on a path toward cultural obsolescence, shouldn't lessen your enthusiasm for igniting items of clothing to teach that corporation a lesson, even though the lesson is one the corporation disregarded long before the idea to burn perfectly good slacks ever crept into your head.

Burn the sneakers. Burn the clothes. Burn the whole darn wardrobe.

Don't you dare question whether you might be the one who's wrong. Self-reflection and intellectual evolution is for traitors like Kaepernick and Bergh.