Is it Oversharing or Radical Vulnerability?

Ben and Jerry

I think this is fitness, but it’s also a little bit of mental health and real life and maybe even some grief thrown in for good measure.

And let me add, I’m writing this while chowing down on some Ben and Jerry’s Everything But The . . . , because I didn’t take my medicine with dinner (we were out), and I need my 350 calories with it, and I’m not really hungry, so if I’ve gotta eat and I don’t really want to, I’m going to eat something I enjoy a LOT.

A week ago I really wasn’t feeling this gym thing. I wasn’t noticing any changes in my body and the scale is telling me I don’t weigh any less even after two months of this shit (I type as I put another spoonful of ice cream in my mouth), and I was just completely over all of it.

And then a few days ago in the shower I realized I had some definition in my calves.

Okay, that’s kinda nice.

I mean, my thighs and arms are gonna take a long while to show anything, I was blessed with plenty of padding there and the muscle has a lot to work it’s way through before it’ll be visible. But my calves are always one of the first places to show.

Finding the little changes and focusing on them is what’s going to work.

Batwoman keeps saying it was like this the last time too, that I hated how slow it started and had a hard time sticking with it until my body started changing.

Today I did a 3 miles in 30 minutes and a 10 minute mile is an improvement over what I could do last week. I’m getting faster and building endurance.

It’s not only about the scale and actually, the scale is my worst enemy right now. If I can keep myself off of it I have a much better chance of sticking with the gym each day.

It’s hard when so much of society talks about that number, and when that number is such a tangible change and the rest of them aren’t as set in stone.

Depression likes to tell me all of this is for nothing and that it’s pointless because if I stop, depression wins. The depression has a much easier time taking over if I’m not kicking my own ass each day.

I’m not asking for advice on how to lose weight. That’s not what this is about.

I’m not really sure what the point of this post is honestly, except to put in writing that I am noticing changes, and to remind myself that those changes do matter.

Sticking with this matters. All of this little stuff will add up eventually.

And now that I got my 350 calories of Ben and Jerry’s I can put this away so that these calories don’t keep adding up.