Sunday, August 30, 2009

Glen Beck's New System (of cRazEe)

As many of you know, Glen Beck has spent the last year or so pioneering a new form of right-wing punditry that borders on performance art. In a recent piece, Beck "proved" that Barack Obama is an oligarch (or rather "oligarh")using a new form of problem solving that mixes cryptography with insanity and perhaps a bit of mysticism. The video below shows how Beck's new pseudo-logic works.

The obvious question, of course, is "What else can we prove using the Beck system?" As you may have already guessed, I've come up with a few things.

We'll start with former Vice President Dick Cheney:

former secretary of Defense.

voted Against making Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday a national holiday while a congressman.

served as Republican Minority Whip.

key player in the war on Terrorism.

close ties to Haliburton.

two terms as Vice President.

worked with American Enterprise Institute.

important figure in Operation Desert Storm.

held secret meetings with Energy companies.

was played by Richard Dreyfuss in the movie W.

So, Dick Cheney is Darth Vader. No real surprises here. Jon Stewart called that one a long time ago.

I wonder if this system works for people outside of politics. Let's try Michael Bay:

directed the Bad Boys movies.

born in Los Angeles.

directed the video for Meat Loaf's song "Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are."

also directed a video by Wilson Phillips.

received the ShoWest 2009 Vanguard Award.

worked with Shia LeBouf.

produced The Horsemen.

directed The Island.

made buckets of money with Transformers.

acted in Coyote Ugly.

responsible for Pearl Harbor.

Michael Bay Blows Shit Up. Seems to work.

Now, last but not least, let's see what this system has to say about Mr. Beck.