The first thing you should know about me is that my pee bubbles always foam together in the shape of Italy when I'm done, which is kind of a big deal. It's like a hidden talent of mine. I can hear the beautiful little urine suds popping and crackling inside the toilet bowl, waiting to be molded, and so I squirt a little more piss on 'em until Italy appears like clockwork everytime I finish takin a whiz (well, okay, sometimes it's a potato, but like a REALLY good-looking potato). Also I'm super into carafes and chodes/Jodie Foster.

Being a homosexual man both psychologically and anatomically, I fully understand the sexual gratification that comes from a well-groomed man pussy. Personally, however, I don't shave my anus because it makes it easier to fish skittles out of my butt if there's a little hair there. I like to think of the hairs as little ropes to help the skittles escape.

Let me explain: I have this ritual, best described as a cross between kind of like Easter Liturgy* and a super horny BDSM masturbation sesh, where I push handfuls of mystery-flavored skittles down into the depths of my anus, one by one, and then they say "Oh no Joshie, save me! Save me from your smelly jew-anus!"

And I say back to them, with an enthusiastic smile, "Hold on little skittles! You'll be out of there in no time!!"

And then I feed my butt hairs into my anus and the little mystery skittles grab on. When I take them out, they are even more mystery flavored than before ;)

Two big hobbies of mine are slut-shaming orphans and beating homeless people with sacks full of frozen loaves of bread, you know, for the irony. My life is just really poetic like that. Some people say that helping others can make you feel very rewarded, and sometimes that's what drives me to pursue those hobbies, but I say you can be even more rewarded if u touch urself.

Finally, I'd like to say that, to me, there's nothing more erotic than a pre-sharpened pencil fresh out of the package.

That sleek pink eraser, intact radial perfection...

The smell of raw, sanded wood...

That glistening gray tip so sharp it could pierce the flesh on your index finger with the slightest nudge...

You may be wondering, "God, why don't you just shove it up your butthole already?" And in response, I'd have to say either that my kitchen spice rack is already in there taking up all the room (cause I mean the only thing gayer than spices are spices up your ass, am I right?) or because I have standards, asshole. Jesus Christ, what do I look like, Elton John? Because if I do, then that would explain why people keep asking me to snort coke off a puerto-rican gigolo's man-tits with them.

*If you were wondering how fishing skittles out of my ass relates to Easter Liturgy, just kind of like picture my asshole as the Lost Tomb of Jesus, then obviously my curly butt hairs, or as I like to call them 'man-pussy jew-pubes' represent the savior Jesus Christ offering salvation to the skittles (read: believers in Christ) by his resurrection from sacrificial death, i.e., excavation from my rectum.