Archive for January, 2010

Even though you’re still a gumshoe, I feel it necessary to reveal to you… The Rosetta Stone of popular music. The richest, most subversive culprit in all of Western music. (God, I wish someone had taken me under their wing when I was a young agent.)

Underneath all of the flashy production (ie the layering of 500 guitars, drum loops, processed vocals, general beeps and boops, and that descending laser sound in every Lady Gaga song) there are 3 very basic, components to a song. I’m not going to tell you what they are because you’re not ready, gumshoe…not YET…but you will be soon.

Among the 3 lives the most beautiful and most dangerous one of the lot. One that will be owned by no one. It is the wild beast of the music kingdom. That illusive culprit…the chord progression!

Take a breath, Agent Di. I know the suspense is pretty high right now. But you must remain calm!

The chord progression will not be tamed. It is a wild-child. Ever-mutating. It is prone to take on the style of whichever sweet young melody its courting this week.

Currently, there are roughly 4 chord progressions that have monopolized much of popular western music. Today, we focus on one such variety. The I-V-vi-IV. For your purposes as a new agent, Di, we’ll put it in civilian terms. “The Douche.”

“The Douche” can be found hidden in plain sight. Below, a youtube video to better demonstrate this phenomenon:

“The Douche” is a real Eve’s Apple. What fine, simple, sleek contours it sports. What slick hair and sharply ironed clothes! No one hates The Douche. How could you? It’s the girl next door! But I challenge you to look deeper, Agent Di.

We’ll debrief at another time as to the whereabouts of the other 3 monopolizers, but until then, this should leave you with plenty of work.

Your mission: Find “The Douche” wherever “The Douche” has set up camp and…then you want to…well then…if you can find a way to…

ok. You actually can’t do anything at all. But you’ll know what you’re hearing next time it rears its ugly head! And you’ll go “Hey! It’s The Douche!”

Then your friends will get mad because they’ll think you’re talking about them. And you’ll say, “No. It’s just this chord progression.”

And they’ll say, “Stop being so pretentious, Di.” But all the while, you’ll know the truth.