To start with I liked this story, I love super hero fiction and I'm also a Christian so this plot appealed to me. However there were a few things I'd change.

Rape is a serious subject (obviously) and when you put it in to Maria's backstory it basically felt like a plot device. I can understand having her beaten up, maybe breaking some bones and giving her scars but to do that to a young girl people would have to be seriously twisted. Also, these men were holding Maria for ransom, which was dangerous enough already given who her father was. I find it hard to believe they would do something so stupid and scarring as rape the daughter of a crime lord. Before they may have gotten away with the money, after that it would be assured that they were dead.

Next is when the doctor gave Wayne the suicide note. It just would not happen, honestly I'm not sure if the police ever would have given him the note but the doctor would not have. The doctor would not have had access to then note, been carrying it around with him, or given it to a patient directly after the patient woke up. I would have the note hidden in a place where Wayne could find it later or have the police give it to him later on.

The last thing is that it doesn't seem like you are very experienced with bipolar disorder (granted I could be wrong, in which case my apologies I'm sure you're drawing from your own experiences). Many bipolar people are in therapy and are on medication. If Frostburn chooses not to take his medicine or the medicine doesn't do anything for him it would make sense. I think it just needs some kind of acknowledgement about the medicine or therapy. Also, his disorder seems rather mild, at least not like on anyone I've met with it. He mostly just comes off as a normal jerk with anger issues (which could potentially be a different disorder).

The people I've met usually went between massive mood swings from extreme happiness to great depression, paranoia and the feeling that everyone was out to get them, and outright manipulative behavior, such as lying or accusing people of crimes or actions they did not commit. However these could be rather extreme cases. For a bipolar-like disorder you may want Cyclothymia, which is described as being akin to but not as severe as bipolar disorder.

I don't usually leave reviews but your story actually got enough of my attention to do this, so I hope it's clear that I like your story. Everything I've just said is out of my own experiences, opinions, and research, so I hope it helps some. I don't have an account on Fiction Press but if you have any questions about what I've said or if you'd like to dispute something then you can find me as West-117 on Deviant Art or you can find me at .

Have a great day!

West

ZZ Beardless chapter 16 . 11/14/2011

Very engaging story. The devil is in the details, however. Your story is very exciting, but I think you could improve it by doing a little research. For example, look into court proceedings a little bit, admittable evidence, sentencing and so on. Look into prisons and what life is like there. Look into brain functions and find out what exactly Neuron is affecting. What would happen medically to someone who fell out of a two-story window onto their back.

Another thing: your story is so action-packed (lol) that sometimes you rush descriptions or thoughts of the characters. Take some real time to explore the setting and inner thoughts of the characters, etc.

There are a few things that seem a little cheesy to me. For example, why would Benetelli keep such incriminating evidence in his desk? Give him a safe or something.

Lastly, try and update your dialogue. Sometimes your characters talk like a 1950's crime drama. The crooks are all uneducated and the White Knight always has a perfectly crafed answer. Maybe shake it up a little bit?

I know this seems really critical, but I think that's what you were asking for in your note. It really is a good story, these are just suggestions.

Tyler chapter 15 . 7/14/2011

Does this mean that Enrico Benetelli knows Miracle's secret identity? Wouldn't this raise problems later? Or is that yet to be addressed? lol

First off, I'd like you to know that I've honestly enjoyed this series. With that said I did have a few problems with it.

Take, for instance, the way your chapters are structured. You'll often jump from one place or character, to another. While this style does give us a larger view of what's happening in the story, it can be a little disorienting and confusing I'll sometimes have to go back and re-read a sentence to make sure I know what's going on, this happens especially when you use it morethan a few times in one chapter. I suggest you either use it less often (and I notice that you have been doing this a little in more recent chapters), or make it a little more obvious that you have switched to a different charachter or place.

The only other thing I had a serious problem with, is that sometimes, and it doesn't happen often, but sometimes we'l see a character in a situation that's a little ridiculous. For example, in chapter 13 we are told that the biggest crime boss in the city hired a bunch of street punks to steal something that could literally change society. I mean shouldn't he have hired a professional team to steal it? I understand that it was, in a way, necissary to the story but still.

And then there are situations that weren't completely necissary but were still a little silly. Such as the last part of chapter 13. we are told that that Benetelli shoots at several thugs who are probably armed in some didn't he just have one of his men shoot them in the back? It would have been much safer and then he wouldn't run the risk of one of them getting away.

And finally we come to the characters. Now overall I like the heros but sometimes they fall into the same old hero stereotyps and I'd like to learn more about them and what makes them unique. The worst example of this would be Night Terror, He's a cool character but he often just seems like the standard Batman-esque vengeful hero and I haven't really gotten to know him as a person.

The opposite to him would be Frostburn. He's an interesting character and you did a good job at making him both sympathetic at times and at other times you made me want to bash his head in. I would like to learn a little more about his powers though. Can he control fire or just create it? Does fire burn him? can he create ice out of the moisture in the air, or what?

You're getting better at writing. Also more subtle, your dropped Christan themes are not anywhere near as blunt as they were in your earlier lengthy stories. It makes the story easier to read for someone who isn't religious. I'm not putting you down, I fully appreciate religion's role in people's lives, but I definitely prefer the more subtle christian attitudes that this has compared to Watchman.

After that, your writing is definitely improving, your descriptions put me into the scenes and your characters are highly believable. I honestly cannot complain about any aspect of your writing in this story.