A leading provider/ the leading global provider – This phrase is often used when a company doesn’t want to give itself an industry ranking—largest provider, number three provider. If the organization is indeed the world’s largest, then say so as this release does. Otherwise it’s only self-applied corporate bumpf.

The world’s largest manufacturer of video surveillance products and solutions — The world’s largest video surveillance manufacturer. Here the ‘of’ is removed and as it’s a throw away clause anyway, it was moved to the sentence’s beginning.

Avoiding split infinitives ‘to immediately comply’ has gone out of style but here ‘to comply immediately’ is stronger. A possessive again comes to the rescue with ‘Bill 507’s video surveillance requirements.’ That eliminates ‘set forth’ and the strange repeat of Bill 507 and the Bill number.

3 thoughts

I assume your focus in this post is length, but length is not the only criterion to consider. The most effective thing you did in that edit was to put the actual news at the beginning rather than at the end.