a spreading of wings, a bating of breath, a sense of something coming

Motion of the Wheel

“Over it”. I struggle with that phrase. Because how can I get over something in my way? Climb? Are there stairs? A rope ladder? Am I scaling a blank wall?

“Moving on” is the same. Where do I go? When do I leave? What is going to take me, carry all these things? How do I pack myself up into boxes and crates? What, even if I could, do I take?

It’s as hard emotionally as physically. Complicated. But breaking down what both phrases mean brings something new to light.

There is a difficulty to it. A decision. No, but more than just one. Multiple decisions involved. And each new change brings up all the possibilities again. It is a struggle. A constant analysis. Ongoing, active assessment of what/where the previous step left you and what to do next.

“Moving on” and “getting over it” is fucking hard.

Steady word that can’t be done by just sitting idle and thinking. Continuous motion is what’s needed. Steps in the same direction, but an ability and desire to constantly correct. Come down to rise back up. Discard or store for later use.

And sometimes, the moment we pack one thing away, we immediately realize we don’t even want it. And the moment we give something up or toss it out is the moment we realize how badly we need it. Sometimes, it’s only after a long journey of moving, climbing, rising and falling, that we realize the errors we’ve made in our decision-making.

Then there’s times we get lucky, and it’s the exact opposite. The things we did just as randomly are exactly what we didn’t know we’d need. Other times, we are the luckiest, and our decisions are all spot on.

We are creatures in a chaotic system. And the system has organized itself to work with and by randomness, not solely accounting for it. So random happenstance is not the exception, but the rule. And all outcomes are equally viable.

The attempt to organize, coordinate, and collate is only for our own temporary, temporal mental and emotional benefit. You can just as easily do one thing or its opposite with the same result. So the idea that anyone could “get it right” is misguided. The only thing we ever do is guess and correct.

Success, failure, and stasis are all equally plausible for every sector on the grid, and all processes can result in the same end.

So worry? There’s no point.

Try? It’s all there is to do. While keeping in mind that laughter, tears, and boredom are all inevitable.