I Thought I’d Fixed All of My Issues; Think Again

Hello, my Beautiful People!

You may’ve noticed I haven’t been around here much lately. I’m going through a massive life transformation. It’s not as radical as, say, Caitlyn Jenner’s, but it’s big.

In my 20s and 30s, as you might know by now, I raised my hand and volunteered to be in some pretty painful, humiliating and humbling relationships. This cracked me open and forced me into recovery to deal with my daunting codependency issues with men.

This is kind of what they looked like:

Where the fuck do you think you’re going?

Why am I out here and you’re in there???

Love me??

I just needed to know where you were.

Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” Was my Theme Song

I credit the Al-Anon 12-step recovery program for healing my addiction to the cycle-of-emotional-abuse and helping me to marry the man I aptly describe as The Wind Beneath My Wings.

But, in the last two years I’ve realized The Universe (the freaking Universe, man) isn’t done with me yet.

It began when I realized my blog couldn’t be my source of income. I’ve made income here by selling stuff or promoting stuff or placing those annoying ads that kind of sneakily crawl across your page to subliminally syphon money out of readers’ bank accounts (I do still have one ad, but I consider it dainty and cute) and doing those things aren’t the reasons I started writing here.

What a predicament!

So I pared back on sponsored posts (there is one here that will make your vajaylaw as slippery as an Olympic’s luge!) and began to transition into coaching women stuck in the same kinds of relationships I experienced lo those many years ago.

It’s a nascent business that still requires a great deal of investment, hard work, grit and faith.

Cue Monetary Anxiety.

Money Making Ideas: Start With Your Brain First

Pretty soon all I could think about was money (my husband is an earner, but I want to be able to kick ass too). How could I build my own income platform that would consistently grow? Did I deserve to make money? If I did make a ton of money, would I still have a purpose in life? I know that it is very easy to invest in stocks etc in today’s technological age, with some people even deciding to sell itunes gift card for Bitcoin! It seems like if you invest in the right project then you could be settled for life. It’s just finding that perfect investment opportunity!

But if I was looking to save some money, I might follow my friends recent recommendation to use Usave. They have some great deals for broadband if you’re looking to save some money. If you’re interested, find more here. But I digress.

I think for about two years the word “money,” with fear attached to it, was on a repetitive loop in my brain.

I’ve discovered, by rereading old journals, that I’ve always had a complicated relationship with money, but that relationship went from complicated to me feeling like this:

This is what happens when you cheat on me with other people, motherf#@ker!!

You’ve betrayed me for the last time. You’re dead to me!

My anxiety about my ability to earn money infected everything in my life. From being able to fully enjoy my family, to being present and connected to my body, to being able to attract more money into my life, rather than chasing it like this:

Poverty Consciousness

I recognized that I come from generations of Poverty Consciousness, which isn’t about actual poverty. Here’s a succinct definition from Trans4Mind:

By “poverty consciousness,” I mean the set of attitudes and beliefs and feelings and values associated with material lack or fear of material lack. Poverty consciousness equals a belief in limitation, and almost always includes fear.

Poverty consciousness is not directly related to the amount of money you have. Rather, it’s the relationship to that money or to material possessions.

If you worry about not having enough money, you’re in poverty consciousness. If you believe there is not enough for everyone in the world, you operate from poverty consciousness.

Wow. I can’t remember a time when my parents weren’t struggling with money concerns, despite the fact that we had money.

My dad’s father had been a gambler which put his family in dire straits on more than one occasion, and while my mom’s family didn’t have any such extreme evidence of financial volatility I can’t remember a time when she felt she had enough.

I’ve realized, for me, that money is a spiritual issue that I have to deal with in a spiritual way so I’ve committed to working the 12-steps again around my Poverty Consciousness.

Writing about money is soooo awkward

The reason I’m sharing this post today is to honor my desire to be transparent on my blog as long as it does no harm to others.

My hope is that in being transparent any readers who are suffering from similar issues might take something good or useful away. And that perhaps we can even help each other along on our human journey.

I did an incredible exercise I was introduced to at a Womens’ Entrepreneurs conference this weekend.

Try this Exercise to release Money Blocks!

It helped me to understand my limiting beliefs around money and helped me be receptive to what’s actually true and what I want to manifest:

Limiting Belief What is actually true/What I want to manifest

I’m not a business person.

I’m a kickass business woman.

Figuring out the tech stuff is impossible for me.

I quickly and easily figure everything out. Thank you, Google.

I’m a creative person only.

I’m a volcano of exploding creativity and am killing it with social media, photo editing, strategizing my book release, talking to the media and feeling entitled to the abundant money inflow due to my incredible work.

The Universe has told me to work for myself doing what I do best, writing, loving and supporting others. My investment on a great team is returned threefold!!

It’s just more good money after bad.

2016-17 is my tipping point. All my hard work and investment is paying off. Clients are coming out of the woodwork helping me scale my business up. Ideas for new products and services are coming at me like crazy.

Money is for other people, not for me.

Money flows easily in and out of my life. Whatever money I need arrives. Money is not a worry, but something I love and am grateful for.

I’m super smart and talented, but don’t know how to turn that into money.

I love money. I deserve the money I so gratefully already have and will embrace all of the money that’s already on it’s way to me.

What’s weird is just writing down the words in the right column actually worked as a tonic; taking my foot off the gas of compulsive worrying.

I’d love to hear about how you’ve developed a good relationship with the Benjamins and your money making ideas in the comments below. xo Shan