Hi everyone, its been a while since i have posted a topic. Things have been going pretty well for me, i just wanted to let you all know, if you need a friend or someone to talk to , IM HERE!!! You are not alone, we are all gonig thru the same things!!!

Keep in touch, and peace be with ya

Derek :p

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I am a gay guy just trying to find my way...

hello Derek & Michael- first of all I hope you are both okay. second I wanted to use 2 message Icons - the ? mark which I am now using, but I also wanted the thumbs down icon,but apparently I can only use one,so the ? is the one I find that sums up what happened here to me yesterday. I completely lost it in the laundry room for 20 minutes.I was screaming, yelling daddy,daddy, crying and pounding the washing machine I was hanging on to so I didn't fall because I believe you both know I was hit by a NYC subway train 11 years ago on the 24 of this month,and the name of the hospital I was taken to was the same name of the hospital I was abused in over 200 times in 1951 when I was only 7.things got so bad I e-mailed 2 people-my rape counselor and a pht tacher at Vanderbilt that I wanted to kill myself.also the woman in charge here knew of this, through all of the yelling,screaming, and what else, she found out that my daddy fucked me several times in 1949 because I wasn't his wanted girl.the Dr.-shrinks office said sorry, they ddidn't have any time until 1 June, I went to Vanderbilt er and they and they wanted money b4 they wourld treat me, and the insurance I use said (I called them at 5:00, and they were CLOSED for the day,call back tomorrow, and anyway all mental health for this plan is managed by a firm in TX,even though the plan is here in Nashville.my coounselor wouldn.t even e-mail me or call me even though he new of my feelings about killing myself.anway, the attack went on,and on and then I went down to dinner, and things for me calmed down,and I feel better today. but why I'm writing is WHY, WHY DOES THIS FEELING CONTINUE AND WHY CAN't I GET SOME HELP WHEN I NEED IT. AS I SAID TO OTHERS YESTERDAY, IF I'M DEAD MAYBE SOMEBODY OR SOME AGENCY WILL COME TO MY AIDE, BUT IT WOULD BE TOO LATE. guys, maybe I have asked this b4 but are these attacks normal, and why are they happening to me now after all these years. I did learn a very interested fact at an Epelipsy support group Wed evening, that people who have be sexually abused DO have seizures, but they are not the GRAND MALL type like thos who have Epelipsy. sorry for the spelling. anyway both of you please e-mail me back when you get a chance, I do need help and I'm going to get off because I can't use the telephone, when I'm on the net sero or yahoo. my e-mail is bosishere@yahoo.com thanks guys I'll end this like I ended the e-mail to my counselor- I just want a nice dick up my ass and hope all of the problems go away - but I know they wont, but a nice dick would help oh well and I still can wish. thanks a million bosishere aka Michael

Bioishere,I have had, once I was with a trick and it was a good eveing and all, but twards the end of our sex, I went to a time before, my mind, when I had been abused and to my trick he saw me hide at the edge of the bed an pleading, and about how sorry I was and that I wouldn't do it again, as he told me in the morning after what I did that night.

FMIGHELL, thanks so much for your reply. my first ? on your reply is how old were you when you had that trick? 2nd. how old were you when the abuse took place? my ? to all three of you why do we cotinue to go back to bad times, the abuse, when we are supposed to be haveing a good time in todays world and life? I know my brain in damaged because of me being hit by the subway train. And what happened yesterday, and 4 months ago at this place, when I loose the present time, I come to thinking I/m back in 1949 when daddy did it to me, and in 1951 when those 2 18yr olds did they did to me. I know about today, and the fact that I havenn't had any dict up my ass for 4 years because of where I live, but as I tell my counselor, I can still give a hell of a blow job, even given my physical limitations.Fmighell, how did the trick feel and think? or am I asking something too personal? I do think all of us abuse survivors have problems having sex with anyone, but I do think it is very hard for us gay survivors of have sex with another guy. what do you guys think? as the saying goes, all of you have a good day. bosishere, aka Michael

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