The Five Things Our Dogs Want for Christmas

Chew bones and tasty snacks are nice, but here is what I think our dogs really want for Christmas:

1. CLARITY: Our dogs are living with aliens–us. They may love us deeply, but they still spend much of their life confused. After all, dogs are living in a world in which we yell at them for eating poop, and then pick it up and hoard it ourselves. We have five synonyms for one command, change the rules day by day, and say one thing with our voices and something different with our bodies. The best gift you can give your dog is to spend some time during the holidays and ask yourself: How can I make life more clear, and thus easier, for my dogs? No matter how brilliant we are with our dogs, surely every one of us could pick one potential source of confusion and clear it up for 2014.

2. OUR PATIENCE: What, you say you couldn’t find any of this at the store this season? And the cupboards are bare of patience at your house? Ah, but wait, I see some hiding in the back closet, just waiting for you to pull it out from behind those jeans that you can’t wear anymore. (The jeans that you can’t throw away because someday you’ll be able to wear them again? See? You ARE patient!) The fact is, we all can profit from valuing patience as a virtue. Patience that our Corgi still pulls socks out of the laundry even though we developed a brilliant training plan and followed it to the letter. Patience that our Great Dane insists on pooping in the middle of the driveway where our visitors always walk to enter the house. And, most challenging of all, patience with ourselves for being human, as in “To err is human, to forgive divine.”)

3. A BALANCE OF PEACE AND EXHILARATION: Just like us, dogs need a balance of rest and stimulation. Of course, every dog needs a slightly different balance, but sleeping all day and night on the couch isn’t any better for dogs than it is for people (with exemptions for the elderly or the infirm). Being bored isn’t fun for anyone, and it’s not good for any animal who needs stimulation to keep the wheels of mind and body well greased. I’m not saying your dog needs to enter graduate school and get a degree in engineering. I am saying that dogs can get bored, just like you, by walking the same walk every day, doing the same thing every day, and never having to think about much of anything at all, except when the dinner bowl is going to get filled. At the same time, dogs need peace and quiet, a chance to refresh and lay down the confusions and complexities of living in a social system that often makes no sense. Lately I’ve seen an increasing number of dogs who I suspect are exhausted: Between agility and trick class and the dog park and doggie day care, the poor things need some time to just chill out. Being happy is often about finding the right balance, so ask yourself: How is the balance for you right now? How is it for your dog? Do you need to do some re-balancing?

4. HELP LEARNING EMOTIONAL CONTROL: Dogs are like people–some come with an inherent ability to react to life’s challenges with calm, noble stability, while others bob around like a boat without an anchor. The latter is a far more common personality type, and just like us, most dogs need to learn to control their emotions lest they sink the ship. I remember watching a five-year old boy have a melt down in a restaurant because his mother cut his sandwich IN HALF instead of in quarters. He kept scream-sobbing “YOU CUT IT IN HALF!!!” and while we all watched with sympathy for his mother, and amusement at the extremity of his distress, we also remembered what it felt like to have your world destroyed because, well, someone cut the sandwich in half. Children learn, as they mature, that frustration and fear and anger are all a part of living, and that they’ll find ways to cope with them and damp down their intensity. Dogs learn the same–or they don’t. I’ve seen dogs lose it, just like that little boy, when they were pulled away from a window, or prevented from running up to another dog. Dogs don’t scream-sob, at least not very often, but they do turn and bite when they are overwhelmed with frustration. Helping them learn to cope is a priceless gift that only we can give them.

5. PLAY. Silly, goofy moments of pure foolishness, with no pressure to perform and where absolutely nothing matters except having a good time. It’s true that not all dogs play in the way often define it; Tootsie has no concept of object play at all, for example. But every once in a while she begins tearing around the yard in circles, after watching Willie do the same with a toy in his mouth. She looks overwhelmed with joyful abandon and finishes by running up to me with her eyes sparkling and her face shining. Of course, none of us know what is going on inside her head at that time, but I’d bet a lot of money that it can be summed up as “Wheeeeeee!” Tootsie is a good reminder for us to define play loosely; just because a dog doesn’t play fetch doesn’t mean you can’t play together. There are so many games we can play with our dogs, like “Can you find the sausage I hid in the tree bark?” Tootsie and I, for example, go on Treasure Hunts, where we look for the treats scattered in the grass or the snow. This year, metaphorically wrap up the present of play for your dog, and think about ways you can add some more games to the mix. You don’t need to buy anything, all you need is some creativity and the motivation to take the time. I’d write more, but it’s time to go play some more with Tootsie and Willie…

MEANWHILE, back on the farm: Whew, the major ice storm missed us (you?), we just got about 6 inches or so of snow. All very seasonal and Christmas-y! This week we’ll be savoring time to be together, taking walks, rubbing bellies and, oh yeah, eating. I leave you with my Christmas card photo, my favorite of the year. (I’ve posted it before, but I can’t help repeating it.) Here’s what our card said to all of our friends; I say it to all of you too, for both you, and your dogs…

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

May the New Year be full of peace and exhilaration, in just the right amounts, at just the right time.

Comments

I think the most important thing I learned from your books was the need for our companion animals to develop #4 on your list. So often, when I post in online dog communities, I see people describe their dogs as “dominant” and when they give examples of their dog’s dominance, what they are really describing is lack of emotional control. A dog who protests because you try to move it from the sofa or stop a game MIGHT be dominant, but when dogs display a sense that their social status was violated, it’s often a calmer, more centered and controlled reaction than when a dog blows up because it’s frustration tolerance threshold has been crossed. I deal every day with a sweet and affectionate cat who was born with her tolerance level set just above 0 on a scale of one to ten. A lot of work has made her much better around us people, but there are still issues with how she treats the dogs.

For my own two dogs, I think Jack would ask for MORE MORE MORE play and exhilaration. More jobs to do, more responsibility around the house, maybe the keys to the car so he can take himself hiking. He was born to be a farm dog and ended up a city dog. I’ve never had a dog who gave himself so many “jobs” (time-keeper, peace-maker, guardian, personal assistant, medical alert dog— it’s like living with the fictional Lassie if she were way more opinionated and bossy) and invented so many games (I laughed at your example of the sock-stealing Corgi above, though mine don’t steal laundry. Of COURSE it steals socks. Best. Game. EVER!) Food-oriented as he is, he only very reluctantly will give up the game for the treat at the end and does the stress shake-off when he trades his favorite special toys for treats. This year, I will try to plan more car outings for him to parks and hiking trails— after all, it’s good for the humans in the relationship too.

Madison, on the other hand, craves more clarity. She is my ADHD doggie, easily distracted and therefore easily confused. I am deeply suspicious that she sees the world as a place where things randomly happen with no rhyme and not much reason. Thankfully she is an emotionally stable dog who is not prone to fearfulness, but if things get too chaotic— like when the battery went in the smoke alarm and it kept beeping–I will occasionally find her taking shelter behind the toilet in the downstairs bathroom. In the same situation, Jack will run to us to see if we need help or we can fix the problem. So for her, I will find more time to go through processes at Maddie speed, and not at Jack speed. Having two dogs at opposite ends of the learning speed scale makes it challenging to balance both dogs’ needs.

May everyone, dogs and human alike, have a joyful Christmas and a productive New Year!

I still struggle with clarity (making my cues clear to my dog, as I also lately realized that practically all that I do and say is taken as a cue by my dog after all). I also struggle with consistency with how I ask things of her.

Patience, I could run out of from time to time but have learned to do a ‘time out’ for myself when I am losing it.

Balance of peace and relaxation, I think we are okay with this but can still do better.

Learning emotional control is a big thing for me and my dog. She is very excitable, lacks impulse control, and has low frustration tolerance. This is one area I am determined to work on these coming months.

Play, her issue with play is me knowing what type of play to do where and with whom. But I tend to know when my dog is getting too aroused and cannot contain herself/her emotions and I terminate the current play activity (either to let her settle or do a less arousing type of play with me.

Great information you shared for us to give and help our dogs with. Have a happy holiday season to you and your family as well.

This line amused me: “Between agility and trick class and the dog park and doggie day care, the poor things need some time to just chill out.”

That is sort of what a lot of the parents in my neighborhood do to their kids (and by extension, themselves) what with piano, then soccer league, then foreign language tutor…all after a full day of school.

My dogs, being border collie mixes, would add a sixth: meaningful work. I am amazed every day at how much more dogs are capable of than I previously understood, in spite of nearly 60 years of living with dogs. Of course, farm dogs can pretty much take this for granted. But while play time without expectations is important, adult dogs are not little children who need to be continually entertained. Most need work that you and they both agree is important, just like most adult people do.

I’ve told this story before, but Tulip made up her own job–keeping the ravens out of the yard. For literally years I didn’t know she was doing this. Oh, I knew there was a big flock of big ravens in our neighbourhood–I often saw them in the trees and wires along the block. And I knew she spent a lot of time in the backyard birdwatching. But I didn’t really understand what was going on.

Then after we’d lived here for about 8 years I was coming back from the store and saw a neighbor with a broom. “I hate these ravens!” he said, shaking the broom at them. “They steal everything, dive bomb the kids, walk around the back yard like it belongs to them and we need their permission to be there. Don’t they drive you crazy?”

I felt a bit bemused. “I’ve never seen one in our yard,” I said, even though our side yard shared a fence with his.

“Really?” he said. “I see them in your front yard all the time.”

“Oh, yes,” I replied, “I see them in the front. But I’ve never seen one in the back.”

And then I realized–Sheriff Tulip was in town. All day, every day, she’s sitting out there, making it very clear to the ravens just who needs whose permission to come into the yard.

So maybe that Corgi with the socks has invented his own work, you just don’t yet understand the meaning of it!

So true about what dogs would like for Christmas. Ranger, I believe, has a mental tag called human weirdness that he attaches to all those things we do that make no sense. Because he has this mental tag to apply he can handle a lot more things with equanimity. Finna, for Christmas, would have predictability at the top of her wish list. Her lack of proper socialization means that for her people are terrifyingly unpredictable. She lives in a world where she never knows what to expect and very little is clear to her. I often suspect that her tendency to resource guard me is connected to the fact that I do try very hard to be predictable for her. If there was only one thing in my life that made any sense to me I’d probably value it more than anything else and I’d be very scared if I thought someone might take it from me. Still in the tiniest of increments Finna is getting a better understanding of how things work. The noisy neighbors, for example, were for a long time really scary for Finna. These people can’t converse at any volume lower than a shout and build huge bonfires 20′ from the fence line. Never once have they crossed into Finna’s territory, though and the last time I had Finna outside and they came out to discuss at length whose truck should be loaded with what Finna squeaked her ball twice really hard and then ignored them. I’m hoping this means she finally understands that raised voices from the other side of the fence do not signal an immediate attack on her and hers, that what happens on the other side of the fence is irrelevant to her life and can be safely ignored.

Merry Christmas to your family as well. We play hide and seek, also hide treats and tell them find it. Always do Easter Egg hunts, treats inside the plastic eggs, they bring back and we open. So many fun games, they love them and so do we.

I think #3 is the #1 in this house. The weather has made new routes more challenging, especially the last couple of weeks, and play has been diminished. The exploration of summer and fall give way to shorter walks on more passable routes in winter (and sometimes spring). Thank you for the reminder of the importance of variety as best we can…not to mention the peace and exhilaration parts 😉 Merry Christmas and best wishes for 2014!

The play thing stumps me. My dog is the only dog I’ve met who couldn’t give $.02 for balls, or tug toys or stuffys to rip apart. She doesn’t even like Kongs filled with peanut butter. I don’t really know how to play with her. She loves socializing at the dog park, but doesn’t play with the dogs. She tries to play with the cats, but they have no clue what her play bow means, and generally go on licking themselves. I think the reason she tries to play with them instead of the dog park dogs is because she knows them better. SHe does like to play hide and seek. That’s the only game I’ve found that she likes. Suggestions anyone?

A great article to ponder for the new year! I’m guilty of clarity with my dogs. I change between come, come on, come here, get over here, etc. I also have trouble defining play with my lab since he is not a fetch lab and doesn’t really like to play with any toy. He loves to play with other big dogs at the dog park, which doesn’t happen in the winter. I try engage him in finding things, finding me, training for both of us, etc. He is my service dog, so I’ll have him do light switches, picking up things, pulling the laundry basket, etc, but play eludes me with him because I so much want to play with him.

My cocker spaniel on the other hand, hasn’t had much training I don’t think (I adopted him at 4 years of age), but he plays with me with a ball or tug with a toy. He is very excitable and can hardly contain himself even with training, so we are going to obedience classes this winter. He’s very stubborn to train on my own. He knows the basics, but will not do a down unless there is a treat there even after a year that I have had him. He also hates belly rubs that my lab adores.

Nice post. My little female Malinois does not have a big play drive, not big on fetch, but she LOVES to be chased. So, I throw the ball for her, she brings it back, but as I grab for it, she trots off. I follow her and chase her around the yard, because she, of course, stays just ahead of me. Every once in a while, she allows me to catch her, gives me the ball so I can throw it and the game starts again. I’m sure my neighbors think I’m nuts chasing my dog around the yard, but, no matter. She enjoys it. 🙂

About the sheared sheep (good observation!): You might also notice that they are pregnant, and clearly due within a few weeks. (Their udders are filling out, see that?) It is critical to shear the sheep before they lamb, because otherwise they are so warm they’ll stay out in the wind and cold, and their lambs will suffer, if not die. You don’t want to shear too close to lambing, because that is too stressful on them when they are huge and uncomfortable, so there is always a balance between shearing when there might be a late snow storm (as here), or waiting too long and compromising the lambs. Luckily, sheep are hardy souls, and that brief cold snap had no visible effect on them whatsoever. (I did see sheep shiver once when shorn before an unseasonably cold snap, poor things. But that was truly extreme weather, below zero I think.)

To Lori, some ways to play: What if you go on treasure hunts together? Hide things your dog might like, and go on an explore with him. Teach him silly, goofy tricks that make everybody laugh, and that no one cares if he does right. I hope that helps; keep us posted!

WOW – seems I need to work on every single one of these especially Clarity and Patience (sounds like an Oprah book of the month). Unfortunately, my pup doesn’t get out for walks because she is too reactive – to people, dogs, leaves, sounds, cars etc. I’m working on getting her used to a muzzle so that taking her out little by little will be safe. She’s a German Shepard rescue that was abused and at home she is such a wonderful dog but in the big bad world she’s terrified. I’m working with a trainer and I’m reminded every week that I’m just as much in need of training as she is (OK, maybe more). This is a wonderful post for someone like me who needs reassurance and a gentle poke at the same time. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and yours both 2 and 4 legged.

I also think a 6th is required for many dogs and that would be meaningful work. For my Border Collie, Sweep, having a job to do is her greatest pleasure. I would never have known a dog capable of doing so many things if I hadn’t had this bright pup for whom to find tasks to keep her out of trouble!

Another item that Sweep would place on her want-list would be having quality time with her person. She loves to go with me wherever I go. Perhaps this fits in with her idea of meaningful work. Her attitude reminds me of a stanza of a Kipling poem: “Day after day, the whole day through — Wherever my road inclined — Four-Feet said, “I am coming with you!” And trotted along behind.”

Re #3, a new winter project for me. In the summer, I think we have a pretty good balance between training & just chillin’ (well, as chilled as you can get in the Midwest without a/c) but in the winter I tend to spend my evenings reading or on the computer, telling the dogs to get out of my face. Too cold to train outside means you can’t train, right? This year’s revelation: Drumroll, please. I really can train in the kitchen. I really can. Foundation behaviors. Finishes. Pivots. Speeding up response time. All kinds of fun stuff. 15 minutes each, & my dogs are zonked for the rest of the evening. I gate the other dogs out & work with 1 at a time, & the others are screaming for their turns–even trying to pole-vault the peninsula counter. And the source of this revelation? The guide dog school I puppy-raise for now has many puppies in prisons in a couple of states. The inmates are turning out quality dogs that are very successful as guides. One, who was described to me, is a self-taught clicker trainer. Now my kitchen isn’t very big, but I’ll bet it’s bigger than a cell. If they can do it, I can do it.

Trish, I noticed the sheared sheep too–maybe because I spend a lot of time in the countryside in England. Here, the sheep are shorn in June, after we’re sure to get no more frosty nights. I’ve seen lambs wearing jackets to protect them from the rain. I was told that the mother’s milk will keep them warm, but when they’re wet then the cold can kill them.

Love this post! Was trying to explain how we had difficulties with nr 4 and needed more nr 1 on a Dutch dog forum. Would you mind terribl if I translated your post in Ducth and posted it there and on my blog, off course with aknowledgement/ credit and a link to this page?

What a good list and timely, too. We did not miss the ice storm and have had 4 days of freezing rain and sleet. The storm wasn’t quite as bad as they said it might have been (1 1/2″ of ice instead of 2″), but on top of several inches of snow it’s tough going. Two dogs and two people all with a variety of bad joints are having a hard time moving around outside.

I think both our dogs would like us to give them more of everything on this list. Yesterday was the day to be reminded again and again about the power of patience. The disruption of her normal routine and the noise of chipping and scraping and sanding trucks and leashed outside time to prevent injury left Olive with a lack of balance and impulse control, me too, actually. It was a rough day but today the sun is shining and we’re almost chipped out!

May your wishes all come true. Big or small, old or new. Happy Holidays.

I’m sure you’re right about the poop. My spaniel helpfully comes from right across the field to poop next to me presumably so I can add it to my collection!

My neurotic dog likes everything to be the and doesn’t like too many walks, but I should play with him more – however he isn’t much interested in playing with me since we got a second dog for him to play with.

We do agility together once a week though, and I’m absolutely certain he finds that fun – you can see it in his face, and in the fact that the agility trainer is the only non family member he really likes. It’s low pressure, no aim ever to compete, though we do work on doing things correctly because he needs to use his brain more, and also because if he gets confused or frustrated he pees on things – not popular!

What a wonderful post. I’m forwarding to a lot of friends as I think it’s definitely a keeper.

I love that you mention over-stimulating dogs. I used to be quite active in the agility world, but quit because people became so obsessed not over just winning, but shlepping their dogs all over the country to trial. I always thought how crazy it was that, on the one hand, there are so many people who just stick their dogs in the backyard and barely pay any attention to them while technically taking good care of them and then, at the other extreme, are the people whose lives become so entwined with their dog’s that they become an extension of their own ego. Dogs need to rest and recharge like people do.

Mireille: I’d be honored if you’d translate the post into Dutch with a link back to my site, thanks so much for asking. And please say a special hello from me to your Dutch readers. I was enchanted with the Netherlands when I got to visit!

For Sheryl — I’ve had a couple of dogs who are completely mystified when I’d toss a toy for them or try to engage them in a tug-of-war game. But they did like physical play such as “Tag” or wrestling on the living room floor. I think “Engage” is the key word, so however you can think outside the box to accomplish that, is the best way to play with your non-toy doggie. How about teaching her to “Jump!” over or through something? Or crawl under? Does she “Hide and Seek” you? Or something of yours that you’ve hidden and encouraged her to “FIND!” ? Many paths can take you to a destination.

Thank you, Trisha, for the ideas to play with Chuckles. I never thought of that as a way to play. He’s very fast to learn new tricks. I taught him one I read in your book to jump up only when I say “Be bad!” and dog catcher, in which I say dog catcher and he comes from behind halfway through my legs and I “catch” him LOL. I’ll have to teach him more tricks this winter. Teddy, my Cocker Spaniel, doesn’t do well tricks like that. He does shake hands now, which I find endearing for him!

I’m feeling a little bad for your naked sheep in the snow. Is that normal that they’re shorn while there’s still snow on the ground? As you can tell, I know nothing about sheep. I was chronically putting socks and hats and sweaters on my kids (and grandkids) so that’s where I’m coming from. Thanks for the suggestions. All so true. I love your writing and your seminars. Thank you and Merry Christmas!

I’ve known several dogs over the years who simply saw no purpose in games of any sort. But they all loved a nice slow walk, what Leslie McDevitt calls a “sniff walk”–at their pace, with plenty of time to check out things they found interesting. They especially liked it when it was a shared experience, when I showed interest in what they found interesting. And these were high energy dogs, with a very good work ethic. They just didn’t understand the idea of play for its own sake, but they loved exploring with their person. So I think that’s another possible option for dogs who aren’t into toys or chase games.

Thanks for this funny and useful post (and good comments.) My Roxy is a rather serious pup, but in the past few months I’ve started a new game she adores: I hide a ball from her in the house while she waits, then I tell her to go find it. When she comes back with the ball in her mouth she wiggles sideways and snorts with glee! She loves to be a smart girl. I especially try to do this in the evening when I haven’t been able to give her a good walk that day. I know she craves a few minutes of real connection and interaction with us. Pats on the head are great, but it’s not the same as a “conversation.” Merry Christmas all!

Marianne, not to worry! (But so sweet of you!) You might also notice that the sheep are very pregnant, and it is important to shear them before they lamb so that they seek warmth. Otherwise, they’ll lie outside in frigid weather where their lambs can’t thermoregulate. Also, it wasn’t really all that cold, upper 20’s, with is nothing for sheep. Two nights ago it was fifteen below, now THAT was cold! Today it is in the 20’s and it feels so warm Jim and I shoveled without our jackets on. It’s all relative, right? Thanks for the kind comments, and Merry Christmas to you too!

Max knows when I sit down on the floor that I am willing to play with him. It can be either “paw grab” or I will throw a soft toy a short distance for him to fetch back. (Once I counted up to 80 times that he was willing to do this before I gave up.) He really likes socks and waits in the morning when I am changing socks (bed socks to walking socks, walking socks to work socks) for me to toss each one once and he brings it back. He also does the “snort” with the sock in his mouth that Felicia mentions, I guess it means something in dog language. When I lie down on the floor, that is the signal to stop playing and he is invited to cuddle up next to me. You are right, I really could do this more often.

Shad’s fav play is ‘the box’; I get out an old cardboard box and stuff is with pieces of paper, other small boxes, an old (!) towel, a plastic cup with a tennis ball etc with some small pieces of dried chicken inside. Afterwards it looks like a small explosion had taken place, but so what. My two year old bundle of energy has had a ball in shredding stuff and is knocked out 😉 for hours ..

Sophy likes routine and ritual; Poppy is like Tigger, ready to bounce at any moment of the day or night! They enjoy playing zoomies together, although Sophy is very wary of body slamming after her trapped nerve earlier in the year, but the best games are the ones they can both play with me at once – a game called “I can catch a … Dog’s name!” which involves throwing the duvet over one dog, and then helping the other dog dig them out while tickling both; Hunt the Treat (so popular that it is known as The Game); and sort-of-fetch, which combines chasing, fetching, tugging, dropping and ends in wrestling that segues into an individual massage. Needless to say, Sophy invented the last game, which she insistes on playing immediately after supper!

I think my dogs would love to have everything on your list – I was particularly conscious of the need for downtime over Christmas – all the family had a lovely time staying at my sister’s house, with people coming and going, the room a wonderful chaos of presents and paper, lovely food just out of dog reach, dog treats galore, and at least five people to organise and wait for before we could go for a walk … The dogs soon began to display all the symptoms of over-tired toddlers, poor things, and were hugely relieved when I swept them off to bed for a snooze, and made sure we got a good walk in next day while the rest of the family were still getting up!

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About the Author

Patricia B. McConnell, PhD, CAAB is an applied animal behaviorist who has been working with, studying, and writing about dogs for over twenty-five years. She encourages your participation, believing that your voice adds greatly to its value. She enjoys reading every comment, and adds her own responses when she can.

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