Two Words That Save My Life Every Day

I repeat it to myself as the water comes crashing over me. As I stand in the shower, letting the warm water drown me in my sorrows, I contemplate what my next move is. Do I stay in here forever for protection, or do I try to take shelter in some other refugee? Do I try to speak to my family about this, or do I keep it all in and let them think I am okay? Do I collapse and let depression win, or do I pick myself up like I always do and fight back? The steam begins to build and I give in to the anxiety. I cry.

Just breathe.

I feel my face becoming red as my tears drop to the floor. I release all the feelings from deep in my soul. I want to scream, but I do not want anyone to hear. I want to run, but I know they wouldn’t know what to do. I want to be able to be happy again, but the happiness is hiding deep down inside of me. No one must know how deep the anxiety is. No one must see how dark it can get. No one must know that I wear a mask to my fears. I am afraid of the darkness inside of me, but I know that I will not let it overcome me. I am breathless by the end. I have nothing left in me left to release. The anxiety is finally gone.

Just breathe.

It was just a panic attack. You’ve had them before. You’ll have them again. It will pass. You can do this. It is just your anxiety taking over again. It was a big day. You had put a lot of pressure on the day going well; pressure on yourself. You will learn from this. You will move on from this day. You will make things right again. You will explain to them when the time is right. They will understand.

Just breathe.

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders as I step out to dry off. I feel guilty for how unhappy I can be, even though it is not my fault. I feel selfish for being so stuck in my own world, even though I know I am trying not to be. I feel needy for ruining their big day, even though I know they understand. I feel unnerved for how quick it can come on, even though I try to prevent it. I feel angry for not being able to control it, even though I fight it. I feel helpless for the anxiety that is always riding within me, even though I know I can talk myself out of it. Mostly I feel alone, because I know that they will never understand, even though they will try to every time.

Just breathe.

I look in the mirror and see a stranger. This isn’t the person you used to be. You used to be fearless. You used to not have a care in the world. You used to not depend on anyone. You didn’t worry. You didn’t cry. You didn’t hurt for all the people who suffer in the world you do not know. You didn’t hurt for those around you that were suffering. You didn’t even hurt for yourself. You didn’t feel as much as you do right now. What happened?

Just breathe.

You were put on this Earth for a reason. You were meant to do something with this. You were meant for more than this. You are more than your anxiety. You can do this. You can pick yourself back up from this. You have got this baby girl. You are strong. You are confident. You are beautiful. You are lucky. You are thankful. You are enough.Just remember to breathe.