WWF Superstars - January 6, 1990

- According to the opening graphic, we're coming to you from the Von Braun Civic Center in Huntsville, AL. Vince McMahon and Jesse "the Body" Ventura are calling the action, as usual for Superstars, up until the week before the 1990 edition of SummerSlam. Vince somehow shills "Space Camp", located in Huntsville. Seriously, Space Camp. Remember when that was always a big prize on those Nickelodeon game shows? Ventura offers to moon Vince, but we thankfully cut to the opening.

- Coming up this week on Superstars of Wrestling: Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake, Brother Love with All the WWF Managers (Sherri, Slick, Jimmy hart, Mr. Fuji, and Bobby Heenan), a special Royal Rumble Report! Big Boss Man will be here, and the Bushwhackers will be in Tag Team action!

Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake vs. George South:

South sounds like a famliar jobber name, but I can't quite place it. Brutus Beefcake had been working a house show program with the Model Rick Martel and somehow shoe-horned his way into the angle involving Hogan, Mr. Perfect, and the Genius. Lockup into the ropes, and Beefcake gives a clean break. Lockup #2, and Beefcake with a hip toss, followed by a scoop slam. Beefcake with some strutting as we get a promo from... the Model? Wait, they just hyped the Genius vs. Beefcake at the Rumble! You can't promote two different angles within the same 30 second span! You have to wait at least 60 seconds to do that! In the meantime, Beefcake hammers away on South, and quickly slaps on the sleeper hold for the victory at 2:04.

Beefcake does his usual trimming of the jobber's hair, until, what do you know, Rick Martel decides to show up on the elevated platform that Gene Okerlund had a claim in ownership for. Martel is showing off a trenchcoat and fedora, then teases a striptease. Jesus, Vince with a threat of a full moon, Martel threatening to strip, and Beefcake with his male stripper tights, I swear to God, there's way too many homosexual undertones here. Beefcake heads after Martel, who wisely takes a hike, but he forgot his jacket, and guess what, Beefcake shreds it apart with his clippers. To add insult to injury, Beefcake wears the shredded garments and struts around. I don't know, maybe in television time, this was INSTA-FEUD, but they never met in a match, and it was forgotten once the Rumble PPV took place.

- Update, hosted by Mean Gene Okerlund. For those who missed it last week, the WWF crowned new Tag Team Champions, Bobby Heenan's Colossal Connection, consisting of Andre the Giant and Haku. They pretty much squashed Demolition, or more specifically Ax, who got demolished himself for the entire match. We get promos from both teams, and you know this situation is far from over. I wonder, had the Brain Busters not wanted out of their contracts, would they have remained Tag Champs through 1989, and the unlikely team of Andre and Haku never would've happened?

Koko B. Ware vs. Alan Martin:

Unlike someone along the lines of Beefcake, who used these squashes to further develope or promote an angle, Koko B. Ware was just hanging around collecting a check, and did nothing meaningful for almost his entire tenure in the WWF. For whatever reason, he bleached his hair and painted the sides of his head like a parrot. Wow... dressing people up as animals sure is the ticket to get people over, just ask the WWF's head bookers. Koko cuts a promo about the Royal Rumble, and he's going to be one of the 30 participants! Knuckle-lock, and Koko with a monkey flip, followed by a pair of arm drags. Martin rakes the eyes and grabs a headlock. Irish whip, and Koko with another monkey flip and a clothesline. Koko with a snap suplex, but the jobber no sells and hammers away. Koko with a dropkick, and the Ghostbuster (a brain buster suplex) finishes it at 2:26. I never understood the name of that move. It just doesn't sound relevant to the character, or anywhere close to describing what the move is.

Mr. Perfect (w/ The Genius) vs. Mark Reagan:

The Genius recites his usual pre-match poem before introducing Mr. Perfect. I guess Perfect was still technically feuding with Hulk Hogan, but that was suddenly brought to a hault in favor of Warrior/Hogan, and was shifted into a mid-level match with Brutus Beefcake at WrestleMania VI. Mr. Perfect with a promo as the match is ready to start. He's got words for Hulk Hogan, who he promises to throw out last. Lockup, and Perfect with a slap in the face. Irish whip, and Regan with a dropkick! Irish whip, and Perfect with a huge forearm, knocking Regan out of his boots. Perfect wastes little time, slapping on the Perfect-Plex for the three count at 1:03, That was very quick, he barely had to do anything. I know the fisherman suplex was never that impressive of a move, but when Hennig did it, it just looked so much better. I guess it's associating the move with the wrestler.

Big Boss Man (w/ Slick) vs. Tony Montana:

There's a lot of obvious canned heel heat, which is a shame for someone like the Boss Man, who a year earlier was getting pretty good, legitimate, heel heat during his program with Hulk Hogan. I could probably spend a few hours making as many Scarface references as possible thanks to the hilarious name for the jobber here, but that would mean not completing this show. Hopefully he doesn't ask Boss Man to say hello to his little friend, because he doesn't look like he's in the mood for friendly greetings. Sorry, had to make at least one. We take a peak in the new issue of WWF Magazine, focusing on an article about Dusty Rhodes' new manager, Sapphire. Boss Man whips the jobber around, squashes him in the corner, then throws him out of the ring. Back inside, and the Boss Man slam finishes things off, and one finger pins are the in thing. Time of the match was roughly 45-seconds. After the match, Boss Man grabs his ball and chain, straps it to his opponents ankle, beats the shit out of him some more, then slams the ball across his chest. Say good night to the bad guy! I say it all the time, but heel Boss Man was just so much more awesome than as a babyface. He's going to be at the Royal Rumble too, but in singles action.

The Bushwhackers vs. Tom Zieglar & Iron Mike Sharpe:

Come on.... The Bushwhackers AND Mike Sharpe in the same match? They all grunt the same way. Throw Akeem in there, and you have one weird family reunion of grunting. Sharpe sneak attacks Luke, but misses an elbow drop. The Battering rams connects, and then a double clothesline to Zieglar clears the ring. Suddenly, The Bolsheviks come to the ring! I guess Nikolai Volkoff had just recently returned, as he was pretty much MIA for all of 1989. Ventura quesitons chanting "USA" when the Bushwhackers are from New Zealand. THANK YOU! I didn't know New Zealand and the U.S.S.R. had such a heated rivalry... and where did the Bolsheviks go!? Did they just pull a Jimmy Snuka!? See WrestleMania V for that reference. Anyways, battering ram and double stomach buster to Zieglar ends this squash at 1:49. Far more entertaining, not for the actual squash, but for the commentary and my finding amusement for the randomness of the Bolsheviks appearing, then just leaving. We see way too many fans, particularly over-weight teenage boys, doing the Bushwhacker thing. To quote Captain Insano, I guarantee that guy's still a Virgin!

- The Brother Love Show, with the massive collection of heel managers! They've all got representatives competing in the Royal Rumble Match, you know. Bobby Heenan has Rick Rude, Andre the Giant, and Haku, Slick has Akeem, Sherri has the Macho King, Mr. Fuji has the Powers of Pain, and Jimmy Hart has a bunch of guys too (Earthquake, Dino, and Honkytonk Man, I think). They all argue among themselves over who is going to win the Royal Rumble. Jimmy Hart name drops Valentine, but he ended up being in a singles match. I guess this was taped well in advance. Heeenan actually puts over everyone elses men, but not as much as his own guys, of course, then takes shots at Jimmy Hart and Sherri. Go Heenan! Brother Love will also be hosting the Brother Love Show at the Royal Rumble, too!

- The Royal Rumble Report, brought to us by Mean Gene Okerlund! Sunday, January 21st, 4 p.m. EST, live in Orlando, FL! We go back to Superstars, last week, when Ultimate Warrior charged the ring to extract revenge against Canada's Strongest Man, Dino Bravo. They had a minor program set up by the debut of (the Canadian) Earthquake, but again, WrestleMania VI brought us Hogan/Warrior. Bravo somehow hits Warrior with a worse chair shot than Lance Storm did at Barely Legal '97. We get comments from both men. Bravo and Warrior scream at almost the same level of annoying. Almost. We don't get a formal run-down of Rumble Match participants, but Okerlund questions the possibility of tag teams, such as the Rockers and Demolition, having to fight amongst each other. I guess he forgot Demolition already did at the previous years Rumble. We do get a complete run down of the undercard, though...

- Special Edition of the Brother Love Show, with Sapphire and Sensational Queen Sherri

The Honkytonk Man & Greg Valentine vs. Paul Roma & Jim Gorman:

We're still in pre-Rhythm & Blues look, but they do have the team name, as well as a lot of canned heat. Rugged Ronnie cuts a promo, sporting the Hammer Jammer, his answer to the Hart Breaker. Yes, they had dueling shin guards. Valentine and Roma lock up, but Valentine shoves Roma away, then kicks him in the chest. Roma is sporting Young Stallion trunks, still. Whip to the corner, and Roma rams Valentine into the buckle, giving him a chance to fall like a tree. Honky tags in and Roma works a wristlock. He tags out, and it's time for the squash to begin. Honky takes him into his corner for some double teaming. Valentine tags in and takes Gorman down with a suplex, then drops a forearm across the chest. Valentine turns the shin-guard around and slaps on the Figure Four for the victory at 2:12. Valentine and Honky continue taking cheap shots at the fallen scrub, because they're the heels.

- Next week on Superstars of Wrestling: You'll see, in action, the Million Dollar Man, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, and Rick "The Model" Martel. The Rockers will be in Tag Team Action. Canadian Earthquake will also be in singles competition, and the Brother Love Show with special guest, Intercontinental Champion, the Ultimate Warrior. All this and more, next week, on Superstars!

Final Thoughts: Not a terrible exciting show, but not a bad waste of time. Even though it was pointless in the long run, they did do a nice insta-feud set up for Beefcake and Martel. The Brother Love Show was entertaining, in a clusterfuck kind of way, and a few of the squashes were entertaining enough. Sadly, this episode is missing the event center promos, hyping the card coming up from Madison Square Garden on January 15th. If you really want to read about that show, I'm pretty sure it's featured somewhere on Da' Site, too.