Mario Lopez Gets Married, Might Not Be Gay After All

December 3, 2012 By Chris Chambers

Perhaps it’s time to concede that Mario Lopez really isn’t gay. It’s not easy to accept since every aspect of his appearance and carriage, from his dimples to his penchant for tank tops, screams “I love sex with men.” But Mario was married over the weekend … to a woman … and it seems only respectful to assume that their relationship is built on more than just tickle fights.

Mario’s lucky bride is actress/dancer Courtney Mazza, with whom he has been living and procreating for quite some time. The weekend-long wedding “fiesta” was held at the beachfront Mexican villa of Girls Gone Wild creator, dirtbag Joe Francis, who is apparently close friends with Mario. Who knew?

Brazenly stealing the idea from Diddy, Mario and Courtney’s wedding festivities kicked off with a night-before “white party” on the beach at which guests were asked to dress in … you guessed it … white, in order to make Courtney’s rich-person dream of a “winter wonderland on the beach” come true. (Evidently, post-Labor Day white-wearing rules do not apply in Mexico.)

The main event happened Saturday at sunset at a gazebo overlooking the beach. It all sounds as if it was truly lovely, but the simplicity and lack of excess (by celebrity standards) makes it disappointingly dull. With Mario’s connections, it had the potential to be awesome. Where was Britney? Where was Dustin Diamond? Lil’ Mama? None of America’s Best Dance crews performed. Not one of the Saved By The Bell gang was there. The only celebrity, other than disgusting Joe Francis, was obviously Eva Longoria who is constantly everywhere with Mario when she’s not busy posing in her underpants.

Mario was married once before … yes, that time to a woman also, namely gorgeous actress Ali Landry … but their marriage was annulled after just two weeks, following revelations that Mario had been unfaithful to her at his bachelor party. (Possibly I’m confused, but that’s the whole point of bachelor parties … is it not?) In any case, this time around, clever/untrusting Courtney surprised Mario by showing up at his bachelor party and performing a Pussycat Dolls routine … which undoubtedly left our dear Mario fighting back tears and internally chanting: “I do like girls. I do like girls.”