Reader’s Dilemma: Is It Possible To Have Sex For the First Time Without Telling Him I’m a Virgin?

Our young reader is afraid to tell guys she’s a virgin, but I think it’s a bad idea to hide the truth.

She writes:

"I am a 20-year-old virgin. Being a virgin always makes me worry about meeting a guy since I would be terrified to bring it up and especially since I go to a small university, lots of people know each other. Would it be possible to have sex without him knowing you are a virgin?"

The short answer here is yes--it may be possible to have sex without your partner knowing you’re a virgin. But just because something is possible doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. In my opinion, honesty is the best policy in this situation, and here are six reasons why:

It’s possible, but not guaranteed that he won’t know. Will he be able to tell you’re a virgin by looking at you naked? No. In fact, some experts say there may be no way to tell if a woman is a virgin, even with gynecological tests. However, there is a chance you could bleed your first time (although many women don’t), and there is a chance you could experience some pain your first time (again, some don’t). These things might lead him to figure out that it’s your first experience with sex whether you want him to or not. And by the way, if you're worried he might spread word around campus about your sexual experience together, you shouldn't be considering sex with this guy period.

For your physical comfort. As previously stated, the first time can be uncomfortable and even downright painful for some women. Of course, virgin or not, no man you sleep with should be rougher than you want. However, a first timer might need a more delicate touch than someone who's more experienced, and if a guy knows it’s your first time he will be more aware that he should be extra gentle and slow to ensure your comfort.

For his mental comfort. Since most people think of losing their own virginity as a big deal, it stands to reason that most people also think it’s a big deal to be someone else’s first. Again, I would hope any guy you’re choosing to sleep with would try to make your first time together a good experience whether you’re a virgin or not. But if he knows you are, he may put in extra effort to make sure things go smoothly and that you are comfortable every step of the way. If he finds out after the fact, he might feel guilty that he didn’t know it was such a big occasion in your life. And even if you didn't lie about it, he might feel betrayed that you weren't more forthcoming with him. Not a great start to a relationship.

Because it’s nothing to be terrified or embarrassed of. There’s no right or wrong age to lose your virginity. At the young age of 20, you’re in good company with lots of others who still haven’t had sex, even if it seems like all your friends have already done it. Being a virgin is not a bad thing in any way. Being afraid to tell guys makes it seem like you think you should be embarrassed of it. You absolutely shouldn’t.

His attitude about it might tell you something about him. If he’s a guy who’s overly psyched about taking your virginity, he’s kind of skeazy. If he starts freaking about how virgins are “stage five clingers,” he’s an immature jerk. If he can discuss it rationally with you and he wants to have sex with you for the right reasons, he’s a keeper.

To be sure you’re ready for sex. If you’re too embarrassed to talk about sex and properly prepare for it, you might not be ready to actually have sex. Yes, it can be an awkward conversation to have. But you should be able to woman up and talk honestly about it if you're emotionally mature enough to handle having sex.

I hope that helps you out. Relax and enjoy this time in your life for new experiences!

What do you guys think? Did any of you have sex for the first time without telling your partner you were a virgin? Do you agree our reader should be honest about it, or do you think it's OK not to tell?