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Man Asks Judge to Approve ‘Trial by Combat’ With Ex-Wife, Potential Reality Show ‘Marital Gladiators’ on the Table

It’s natural to harbor negative thoughts and feelings for your ex-spouse. What’s not natural, but is extremely awesome, is challenging your ex to “trial by combat,” as this Kansas man has asked the courts to approve. David Ostrom, like many an ex-husband before him, stood no chance against his former wife and her divorce attorney. Legally, Ostrom didn’t have much of a leg to stand on, so he hopes to chop off those of his ex-wife and/or her attorney, via trial by combat.

Before the U.S. had its own legal system, we relied on British common laws. Then, once we split from the Brits, we developed our own systems of checks and balances, but somebody forgot to say that trial by combat (aka a fight to the death) was no longer a viable way to resolve conflict. So once in a while, people will ask the court to let them battle because the actual right to trial by combat was never specifically stripped from the populace.

In the case of Mr. and Mrs. Ostrom, David asked the Iowa District Court in Shelby County to grant him 12 weeks of lead time to “find or forge” a couple of katana swords, one of which he would gracefully impart upon his former flame. Also, because he is a fair and decent man, he said that his ex’s lawyer could volunteer as tribute to battle him instead. The judge didn’t say no, per se, because he legally can’t. But he did say that “until the proper procedural steps to initiate a court proceeding are followed, this court will take no further action concerning any motion, objection or petition filed by either party at this time.” Ostrom doesn’t want to file any more petitions. All he wants to do is, in his words, confront the pair “on the field of battle where (he) will rend their souls from their corporal bodies.” Probably, this won’t happen. But we really, really hope it does. It’d make for great reality TV.