A Modest Proposal

Monday

May 27, 2013 at 10:22 AM

A MODEST PROPOSAL...to vanquish the budget vexation of this fair city

Greer Firestone

A MODEST PROPOSAL...

to vanquish the budget vexation of this fair city

It is a melancholy object to those who walk through this great village of Wilmington, when they see the main thoroughfare - entitled Market Street - sadly bereft of merchants selling wares or lively scenes of city life. One is dismayed on many a corner to see some of the our less fortunate importuning passersby for alms.

I think it is agreed upon by all parties that this so named "Renaissance" of old Wilmington burg has been a ideal in name only. The "rebirth" of this metropolis has resulted only in much more of the deplorable same: the same crime, the same repeat offenders granted freedom from the magistrate courts, the same rows of gated shops.

This is the town once regaled as 'The Chemical Capital of the World' and later, 'The Credit Card Capital of the World'.

It is also agreed upon by all those who are educated and who peruse the scribbling of our daily journal of news, that the Burgomaster of this city, His Honour Dennis Williams, is combative and antagonistic toward one Theo Gregory, preeminent leader of this city's Assemblage of Councilors.

At issue between the two is a mere pittance of the total proportion of monies required to maintain the budget for a year's duration.

A far greater concern is the fact that the city is adrift with no wind at its sails after only a mere 5 months of tenure. Looking forward citizens may be compelled to bear a long suffering 3 1/2 years. One hopes this stance will not be a fictional albatross around the neck of either player in this melodrama of wills.

Scathing words of acrimony have been hurled back and forth, hither and yon, echoing off the councilmanic walls and ricocheting down Market Street from Rodney Square to the Riverfront: "Dictator", "Charlatan", "Dreaded Transgressor of Separation of Powers of Church & State & Democracy & Motherhood" and "Gun Bearer".

(I suggest that the poor souls of this Kingdom of Wilmington individually - and the entire country collectively - has seen a preponderance of this dread disease of HUBRIS in those officials elected to represent us.)

Hubris, one should be reminded, is the psychological equivalent of gout, an ailment brought on from the excessive consumption of fatty foods and alcohol.

Hubris derives from never being told to refrain from ANYTHING.

But as to the present conflict in Wilmington...whoever could find a fair, cheap and easy method for resolution to this contest of hubris between Messer Williams and Gregory, well, this individual should be accorded a grand prize and sycophantic public acclaim of extended endurance; perhaps even a statue upon a horse in a very public place.

With sound mind, I proffer this Modest Proposal:

1) It has been reported and promoted by Mayor Williams himself that he was once a member of the armed forces of said metropolis. 2) Upon reading a most comprehensive resume of Mr. Gregory, it states that as a youth he took the field at a nearby university in the game that Americans incorrectly title 'football'. (Why these renegade colonists in a country of a mere 250 years should pillage a treasured name of England's national sport is a sacrilege. However, in the taking of my dear reader's valuable time to explain same would cause one to accuse this impassioned writer of 'digression'.)

Therefore, it is a truth that both gentlemen have experienced arduous physical training in their past lives and to this day would admit to being of sound physical structure and fortitude.

Add to this: It has been reported that Mr. Mayor has taken the task of the promotion of the Spectacle of Fisticuffs at the nearby Riverfront hall.

I suggest then that both men meet each other in this squared circle for a series of not less than 3 rounds each of 3 minute duration.

The loser will relent his political position. Additionally, for the remaining 3 and one half years he will remain subservient to the whims of the victor, however preposterous or harebrained they may be to a man of sound mind.

The referee of this match (to be fought under The Rules of the Marquis of Queensbury) will be yet another politician, one David Grimaldi. From newspaper accounts of previous fortnights, it appears Mr. Grimaldi is well schooled in the sparring not only of words but of fists.

The judges? Who else but the citizenry of Wilmington. Unlike Britain, this is a democracy. To free men, nothing is impossible, even the ability to rise up and strike down the sin of hubris.