C. Nzingha Smith

Pages

Monday

“This is not the time to be passive. This is the time to shape, sculpt, paint, participate…

the time to get sweaty, to get dirty, to fall in love, to forgive, to forget, to hug, to kiss…

this is the time to experience, participate and live your life as a verb.” Steve MaraboliWhat are you waiting for? Could the reason you were waiting no longer be valid? Could you already have what you want, but not realize it?

I'm asking you these questions because I had a light bulb moment earlier today while writing an email to a friend. It occurred to me that something I thought I was waiting to experience was already currently happening in my life, but because I felt like I needed more money or a higher status in life before I could experience it, I was convinced I was in fact still waiting on it...that it hadn't happened yet. Until I wrote that email and reread my words, I had no idea what I was waiting for has in fact already arrived. Because of some preconceived notion from past thinking, I had the wrong perspective and was looking at the situation incorrectly. This old pattern of thinking was blocking my ability to see my situation clearly and currently. In my mind I was waiting for something I already have, which in turn left me frustrated and bothered most of the time. As soon as I realized it wasn't that I didn't have it, it was that I was looking at things the wrong way, I immediately took a dance break! Things clicked and that pinned up energy was immediately released.

I hadn't realized what a lifetime of being told to wait had done to my subconscious. From a young age, we are told to wait. Wait until you're older to do this or that. Wait until you get married, wait until you have a family, wait until after you finish school, until you're more settled, have more money, wait until you are more mature, until you retire, until you die. Before we know it our entire lives will have passed us by and we'll go to the grave waiting for more money, for the right time, for another opportunity. Time doesn't wait, it keeps going and the only real time we have is right now, this present moment.

It occurred to me earlier today that the only thing I was really waiting for was myself.

Wednesday

I love this man...because I do not possess him and he does not possess me.

We are free in our mutual surrender..."

Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

I just finished reading, Eleven Minutes this week and decided to pull this week's love lesson directly from the pages of Coelho's book. Possession is a concept we learned early in our childhood years, when we learned how to say the word "mine" and realized the meaning behind it. The word was likely followed up with a defiant gesture of some kind, like pulling whatever it was you were declaring as "yours" closer to you. Prior to reading the above quote, I had never looked at possession, love, and relationships in the same context. However after some reflection I realized it's practically the basis of how most of us look at our significant others and the love that they give us.

As the quote implies, love is a surrender. It's a mutual decision and an act done willingly by both parties. Just like with any gift, the love someone decides to give you is theirs to give. You can't and don't own someone else's love. You can't control it and you don't decide for them who they give it to and for how long. However, this thought process would explain why we feel so hurt and broken up when a relationship doesn't work out. It's because we feel we were robbed of something we possessed when it ends as if it were ours to begin with.

Monday

Love happens fast sometimes. I'm not sure who came up with the rule that we have to play a waiting game in order to distinguish between love and everything else. Love exists. It occupies space and matter and is detectable from the first real connection with another being. Whether it happens in a smile, the faint whisper of hello, a brief, yet sincere embrace, or the way a stranger first says your name. However, when it happens, you're aware of it immediately.

Much of our communication was non-verbal in the three days and nights I stayed with him. I was in recovery, but he didn't know it. Recovering from a lifetime of hurt, pain, and built up anguish. Recovering from disappointing dreams and broken promises. Recovering from loss. Loss in the form of possessions, loss of love, loss of friends, loss of self. Basically, of everything I thought mattered in real life. He was oblivious to all of this when he sent me a message, inviting me to stay in his empty room on the Italian Riviera. I was making my journey back home to the US after deciding to travel clear across the world in search of a glimpse of the person I thought I had lost.

Wednesday

When we experience any type of pain from a physical injury our bodies automatically respond by noting the cause and as a reflex tell us how to respond to help us reduce further injury. The brain also stores this information so as to protect us from being injured in the same way again.The same is true when dealing with matters of the heart and operating from a place of hurt and pain. It's only natural for us to put up defense mechanisms to keep our hearts protected from future hurt and pain once we've been brokenhearted. When we do enough of this self-protection and insulation of the heart it causes the opposite effect of what we actually desire, which is to attract love to us. When we have walls up

Monday

All of life is a learning experience. There are no such things as mistakes, just building blocks and experiences we need to go through to improve and to grow into better versions of ourselves. Last post I emphasized the importance of being kinder to yourself. This week take a moment and reflect on all that the school of life has taught you and be grateful of that well fought wisdom. You earned it!

I attended a children's fashion show yesterday to support the organizer. During the intermission I tapped a young lady sitting in front of me to inquire about her natural hair journey. During our brief conversation, she gave me some great insight, tips, much needed encouragement, and a couple of blogs to check out. She ended our conversation by saying, "whatever you decide, be kind to yourself." I thanked her and those last words stuck with me.

"Be kind to yourself." It's a sentiment I've heard before, but I didn't pay much attention to the statement at the time. It seemed like a very odd thing to say at the end of a conversation about natural hair. However, as I thought more about it and let it settle into my spirit, I realized her words came at a perfect time. They were just what I needed to hear. Her words encouraged me to continue on my own natural hair journey, and also were a reminder for me to be mindful of how I am treating myself through the process and in every other area of my life right now.

As I began reflecting a bit further, I replayed some of the conversations I've had with myself lately and realized some of the language that I've used and certain things I've said to myself, have been completely inappropriate and unkind. I had to acknowledge the fact that I wouldn't ever talk to anyone I cared for or loved the way I have been talking to myself. Why?

I just realized it's been exactly a month since I last posted. I'm in the process of writing a new book and it's causing me to go into serious reflective mode. I've had to force myself to be still, and silent, and to look inward, deeper than just below the surface. It has also required me to take a good look at myself in the mirror. Not for vanity purposes, but to really see myself as I am, as I've been, and as I would like to be. To take inventory of the things I like, and the things I don't like about myself, and to identify the areas I would like to change. On the outside, but most importantly on the inside. Basically, to face myself. Honestly. The good, the bad, and the brutally ugly (the part no one sees).

The more time I take to reflect, the more I realize how unhappy I've become with the reflection that's staring back at me. I don't recognize the person I'm looking at anymore. I look the same, but I am fundamentally different. I haven't been true to myself and as a result, I've lost the true beauty that makes me, me. I've realized that I got so used to changing colors to survive the environments I was in, that my true color got faded in the process and is hardly recognizable. It's been tough for me to resist the urge to turn a blind's eye. I would much prefer to keep acting like everything is all together, even when I know it's not. It is getting rougher as I try to sort through the heaviness of it all. Now I know what it means when people warn you not to open up Pandora's box. This is the same thing. You don't know what you're going to get.

So many of us go through life pretending because we have to be what others expect us to be, starting at an early age just to survive. Then it becomes novelty and entertainment for ourselves and those around us. We create elaborate illusions to cover up our true feelings, thoughts, and desires. In order to please others and to get the fake love and acceptance from those we desire it from at the time. Until we don't want it in play life anymore, and we want it for real.