Wednesday, May 31, 2006

While poking fun at our Big 10 brethren in Columbus is our favorite pastime, we also enjoy a good joke at our team's expense if it's good. The below is good. It was sent to us by a Buckeye reader who wishes to rename anonymous lest his Tosu friends discover his dirty secret of spending time here at the MZone. Also, he wasn't exactly sure about the original source of the piece although a Google search seemed to indicate it came from SportsPickle.com.

Michigan Expanding Big House to Meet Fans' Insatiable Desire to Watch a 7-5 Football Team

The University of Michigan announced plans on Tuesday to expand historic Michigan Stadium – already the largest football stadium in the country – from 107,051 to 108,251, in addition to adding new luxury boxes.

Athletic director Bill Martin says the move comes from the growing – and somewhat peculiar – demand of Michigan fans, students and alumni to take in some mediocre, disappointing football by a 7-5 or 8-4 team.

"Our fans can't get enough of this team," said Martin. "At the end of every season we look at our final record and think: 'Hmm, I wonder how we're going to fill 107,000 seats six times next season.' I mean, most teams like us who consistently fall short of expectations have trouble selling tickets. But sure enough, we send out our season ticket renewals and everyone signs back up. It's amazing."

Many Michigan fans say it's the team's mediocrity that brings them back year after year after year.

"With a lot of top teams that we're theoretically in the same realm as, you pretty much know that they're going to win all of their home games. It gets boring, it gets repetitive. No one wants to watch that," said longtime season ticket holder Mike Laurey. "But with us, you know we're going to change things up a bit. No matter who we're playing, you know there's a decent chance we could lose. That uncertainty keeps me coming back."

Others say it's the memories that make them such diehard fans.

"I don't want to say I wasn't there when we have one of our patented, soul-crushing losses to Ohio State," said season ticket holder Larry Reynolds. "That's the kind of stuff you tell your grandkids about. Plus, it's cool to be able to say that you saw future NFL stars play in college, back when they were poorly coached and didn't have all of their talents drawn out of them yet. It's amazing to see their growth from their Michigan days to the pros. I mean, jeez – look at Tom Brady. Think how good he would have been in college at a school where they know how to coach quarterbacks."

No matter the reason for the unyielding fan support, head coach Lloyd Carr said he knows he is lucky to coach a team that has ardent backers no matter what happens on the field.

"No one cares how badly we fall short of our goals, they still come out and cheer," said Carr. "And that's the kind of support we'll need in the future, because the longer I'm here, the more of a chance there will some 6-5 and 5-6 seasons, or even worse, mixed in. Heck, I could go 3-8 in a year or two, and we'd still probably add on another 1,000 seats to Michigan Stadium."

Thanks again to our anonymous Buckeye friend for the link. That was really funny. No, really. We're laughing. It doesn't hurt. Or hit too close to home. Really. We swear. @#$%^&!

MZone reader and frequent poster Ron just let us know that he's completed the Michigan page at his Web site. For those that haven't seen it, HeavyweightFootballChamps crowns the college football champion the same way that boxing champions are crowned. And without the shenanigans of Don King and organized crime.

The idea is that there is one current champion of college football - Texas. They remain the champ until someone beats them. Should North Texas somehow knock off the Longhorns in the opener on September 2, then the Mean Green would be the current champs. If, instead, Tosu goes to Austin and gets a win, they'd be the title holders - until someone knocks them off.

The last time Michigan was the title holder was in 2003 when they beat Purdue - yes, Purdue - who got the title by beating Wisconsin, who'd beaten Tosu the week before. The Wolverines held the title until they lost to USC in the Rose Bowl.

I'm sure this idea will meet with a lot of criticism. But to me, it makes at least as much sense as the BCS.

What is it with pervs and their love of the Buckeyes and Ohio State gear?

Last week, we put up a post about the Tosu fan spanking it to porn at the library. When he was busted by a hidden camera investigation, he was shown wearing his a sweatshirt with "Ohio State" splashed across the front. Well...

If you've watched NBC's Dateline program recently, you're probably familiar with their "To Catch a Predator" series in which reporter Chris Hanson busts alleged pedophiles. During the highly rated segments, adult men come to "meet" - who they think are - underage minors that they've been talking to in online chat rooms. Instead, they've actually been IMing with a watchdog group called Perverted Justice posing as children in order to catch these creeps.

In one of the latest stings, the Dateline crew traveled to Ohio where a number of men were arrested, including the gentleman above sporting his Ohio State hat and shirt. And he wasn't the only "gentleman caller" apprehended and splashed across national TV wearing his Buckeye Best. Unfortunately, he was the only one we here at the MZone could get a screen image of.

Even scarier, is it just us or do all these Tosu "fans" look a bit alike? Here again is the picture of the guy above next to the picture of the Buckeye who was pulling his goalie at the library...

Question: My Christian husband insists on traveling out of state, against my wishes, to attend a bachelor party with non-Christians in Las Vegas. He says there will be no pornography or sinful activity there. I still think he shouldn't go. Who is right?

Pat's Answer: The bachelor parties are normally orgies. They have strippers and lap dancers. A lot of people get drunk and there are dirty jokes. The answer is that there is just no way that someone is having a bachelor party in Las Vegas. If he is really all that holy and righteous, let him do it someplace else. But these bachelor parties are usually bacchanal revels. I don't know if you can keep your husband from doing it, but you can certainly protest strongly. He says there is going to be no pornography. He's living in a fantasy world. Maybe you have got a friend who is a little bit more worldy-wise who could say to him, 'Look. Here is what you are going into. You are supposed to be a Christian. You shouldn't have anything to do with this.' Wives can't exercise but so much authority over their husband.

MZone Answer: Dear Mrs. Wife of Bachelor Party Guy,

Judging from Pat's reply, he has no clue what the hell he's talking about. His answer sounds like it was written by Tawny Kitaen's character in the Tom Hanks movie, BACHELOR PARTY. Thus, as someone with more experience in such situations, allow me to help.

I have been to probably 10+ bachelor parties in my life (four or so in Vegas) and, unfortunately, it saddens me to report that not one orgy broke out at any of them. Yes, there were strippers (who gave lap dances, not strippers and lap dancers as Pat reported. They are one and the same). But trust me when I say your husband has a better chance of scoring with Pat Robertson than a Vegas stripper. They want his money not his body. Sure, he might think if he gets one of these ladies into the Emperor's Room at Crazy Horse Too, he has a shot. But he doesn't. He's just out $100 for three songs plus the drinks (although the dances are indeed a bit better. I'm just sayin').

Yes, he will get drunk. As for the dirty jokes, if you really think he has to go to Vegas to hear them, then you probably also believe Pat Robertson leg-pressed 2,000 pounds. However, don't worry about the "dirty joke telling" as that's usually not the top priority of most bachelor parties.

Now, I'm not sure what Pat meant when he said, "The answer is that there is just no way that someone is having a bachelor party in Las Vegas." Must be a typo. Maybe he was too tired from his big leg workout, setting Olympic records and such.

As for Pat's statement, "He says there is going to be no pornography. He's living in a fantasy world," like I said above, if there is any "pornography," chances are better than 99.9% your husband won't be participating. What I assume ol' Pat was talking about are the pay-per-view channels in the hotel rooms. But, he doesn't have to go to Vegas for those as such "adult entertainment" isn't exclusive to Sin City and is now available in any Best Western across America. Thus, if there's going to "be pornography" and your husband is so inclined to view it, he's doing it already and doesn't need to go to a bachelor party to check it out.

Hope this helps. Then again, if you're writing to a man for advice who believes women are second class citizens to a man's wishes in a married household, maybe you best get back to cooking dinner and feeding the kids. Remember, "wives can't exercise but so much authority over their husband."

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

As some of you might already know, much has been made in cyberspace about an upcoming film from New Line Cinema called SNAKES ON A PLANE. For some unknown reason, the obvious B movie has become a cult phenomenon even though the very title alone lets you know the quality of the flick.

In a nutshell, Samuel L. Jackson plays an FBI agent who is escorting a former mob member to testify in a big case. But, on a flight from Hawaii to Los Angeles, a hitman pays airport security to sneak a time-release crate of 400 snakes onto the flight in order kill the witness (swear to God. Unlike Pat Robertson, we're not making this up).

So what does this have to do with college football and a sports blog? Well, apparently, somebody in the Ohio Valley Conference got the idea this was a good way to send a message to conference rival Eastern Kentucky University.

EKU assistant athletic director Dan McBride was at the league baseball tournament last week when he got in his rental car to find a 2-foot-long python draped across the car's console. Thinking it was a rubber snake somebody had put there as a joke, McBride touched it as he put the car in drive. But...

As he drove toward the exit, the snake lifted its head. McBride hit the brakes, then started to get out of the car. However, the snake was on the gear shift, forcing McBride to keep his foot on the brake.

You know, folks, I hesitated to put up this post. Last thing I want to do is give fans in Columbus any ideas. I mean, Michigan was already subjected to bomb sniffing dogs two years ago at the 'Shoe. Then again, I'm sure the Tosu faithful are already way ahead of me on this one. Dare I say Snakes on Team Bus?

They also had this video dandy from Google Video of some kids playing trampoline basketball. This could be the Internet version of the Agony of Defeat. Watch...and cringe. (P.S. This kid has the dickiest friends I have ever seen. Hey, turn off the camera and help your buddy, a-holes!)

Finally, in the "We Couldn't Even Make This Up If We Tried" category, they had a story on the worst mascot of all time. The hands down winner? The Rhode Island School of Design NADS. Yes, NADS! And the mascot's name? Wait for it...wait for it..."Scrotie." They even cheer "Go NADS!" Can't get worse, you say? Check out the picture of "Scrotie"...

Now you see why Deadspin is a daily procrastination oasis in the middle of our work day.

Gentlemen, this may be the most difficult thing you read this year. A 52 man in Tioga-Nicetown (remember that name), Pennsylvania, recently was awakened in the middle of the night to find - brace yourself - his wife clawing at his genitalia with her bare hands. When she was done, she had, uh, removed "two parts" of his privates (the story doesn't say which two but...).

Luckily, doctors were able to re-attach things and "repair the damage," according to the story. Uh, repair it physically, maybe. Not a chance in hell the emotional scars will heal. Ever. Put it this way, Vietnam vets don't have have shit on this guy. I promise you his nightmares are worse than even John McCain's. Especially when he describes the ordeal this way: "I mean she just grabbed me all down there and yanking and yanking and tearing me up with those fingernails."

The man, only identified as Howard, said his wife is bi-polar and she did it because she thought he was cheating on her. When he first arrived at the hospital, doctors listed his condition as critical but upgraded him to stable. Stable? Bullshit. Howard will never be stable again.

HERE is an interview with the man on the local news. The video starts by showing him arriving home from the hospital, walking up the steps to his house. If you don't cringe with each step he takes, well, you're simply not male.

Thanks to Casey for the tip (ok, maybe "tip" was a bad choice of words here).

Folks, sometimes a tip is sent our way that is so good, a simple "Thank you" seems inadequate. Such is the case of this post, for which the tip was passed to us by Orson over at the always-funny EDSBS.

Now, Orson had mentioned something about this yesterday but oh-so-rightfully felt that we here at the MZone also just might be interested in a story about, as he says, "the most embarrassing bit of fanwear on public display since the alleged pedophile priest wearing a Notre Dame hat trotted out of a courtroom wearing an Irish cap."

The video is a news segment from WKYC, a television station in Ohio. It's one of those "undercover" investigative stories every news station does for sweeps month. This one deals with the dangers of going to public libraries in Ohio.

Watch it all the way through. We promise you won't be disappointed...unless you're a Tosu fan. Pay particular attention to the "gentleman" in the red Ohio State sweatshirt starting at about the 1:40 mark of the piece and "coming" back throughout the rest of the story, the capper being outside his parents's house at the end.

As Orson points out, this story has it all: "Assaulting reporters. Mustaches. Masturbating in public libraries. Living with parents." And might we add: your typical Buckeye fan.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

(from MZone Wire Reports) Ann Arbor, MI - After seeing our story about the spank fest going on at libraries in Ohio, the MZone has learned former Michigan football player Larry Harrison has applied for an Ohio Library Card.

So Benny and I were on the phone last night working on today's offerings when we both happened to see the story about the Motor City Bowl extending their Big 10 contract at the same time. Coincidentally, we each wrote up posts within seconds of each other.

Too lazy to edit, we put them both up below.

CRAPPY BIG 10 TEAM TO STILL GET CRAPPY BOWL BID

by Yost

The ultimate dream of every college football player - busting one's ass all year long for a shot at spending Christmas in Detroit - is alive and well. That's because the Motor City Bowl announced a four-year extension with the Big 10 to send its 7th elegible team to the bowl game where they will face off against an equally psyched MAC squad in the annual Motown showdown.

In the event the Big 10 doesn't have seven bowl-elegible teams, everybody on the team that just missed the cut will breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Should the Wolverines end up going to this game, I doubt Moe's would even stock the commemorative bowl T-shirt. But if Sparty should finally have a winning (or even 6-6) record, and help sell out Ford Field, John L. Smith would probably save his job and East Lansing stores would be full of Motor City Bowl T-shirts.

Folks, one of our regular readers is Doug Gillett who puts out a very good blog of his own called HEY JENNY SLATER. Besides a lot of good college football stuff on it, we especially enjoy reading about his crush on Melissa Theuriau, a French newscaster who is so hot, even Bill O'Reilly couldn't hate her.

Yes, folks, time again for another MZone Caption Contest. Give us your best for the dandy above.

Here's what we came up with:

Carl and his common-law wife Eunice take in another game at the 'Shoe. And you should see where she shaved "Fuck Michigan" on her body!UPDATE: To all our Tosu friends stopping by today and proudly pointing out that the picture is Photoshopped like they just discovered cold fusion -

Please keep in mind you're reading a Caption Contest on a Michigan blog, not an investigative story in the Washington Post.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

For those that haven't voted in our latest round of the Blog Co-ed showdown, be sure to do so. Also, check out the comments purported to be from Jordanna, our #12 seed in this competition. I'm not entirely certain this was, in fact, written by Jordanna since I'm sure some of our readers have plenty of experience pretending to be a hot chick on the Internet. But many of our readers seem to believe it is legit, and have expressed remorse at some of the thoughts they have left about her on this blog.

Our readers aren't the only ones who feel kind of bad. We called Jordanna a "Paris Hilton Wannabe" based on her quotes from the Playboy article where we first read about her. She claims her quote was taken out of context, and that she's taken a lot of heat for it. Here's what she wrote about it:

During the Playboy casting we had to sign releases and fill out an interview. There had to be at least 20 different questions, ONE was something along the lines of "What are your career ambitions?"... something like that. My response was, now pay attention boys, "If all my partying doesn't pay off and I don't become the next Paris Hilton (sarcasm), then I want to be like Carrie Bradshaw from sex and the city, and write".

That's actually, a pretty clever comment that was either missed by the Playboy editors, or, more likely, totally twisted so that they could make Jordanna look like a complete idiot. So IF this comment was actually left by Jordanna, I have to give her much more credit than I did at first. And IF this comment was actually left by Jordanna, I have to give her major credit for coming to our blog to state her case in a calm, intelligent way. And IF this comment was actually left by Jordanna, I have only have one more thing to say: I'd like to change my vote.

P.S. Yost here muscling in on Benny's post - Jordanna, if indeed that was you, send us a pic of you flipping off a computer screen with the MZone page on it. We'll happily post it as it will prove the comment was yours (plus, we probably deserve to be flipped off).

It has come to our attention that our other contestant in the latest MZone BCS clash, Brigid, is also in Playboy's "Girls of the Top Ten Party Schools" issue along with Jordanna. Brigid was in the Wisconsin "group photo" shown below and was identified as "Brigid Kelly" in the magazine.

Thanks to one of our readers for pointing this out. Our bad. For some reason, apparently our eyes didn't immediately go to any of the clothed women in the picture. Go figure.

P.S. Why the name "Brigid Kelly" in the mag? Any Wisco readers/students know?

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

It gets to be a pretty lonely job being a defender of Lloyd Carr. Sometimes it seems as if Yost and I are the only ones out there. But Matt Hayes of The Sporting News uses his weekly column to defend Carr. Hayes claims that Michigan fans should look at Carr's entire body of work, and be thankful that he's been the head Wolverine for the past 11 years. Hayes even says that the Wolverines - with some breaks - could be playing for a national title in January.

If you're a regular here at the MZone, you know we're big fans of EDSBS. We especially like their Fulmer Cup competition which tallies up the misdeeds and various scandals at college football programs across America. Our favorite part of the Fulmer Cup? When we can nominate our intra-state rivals in East Lansing.

Turns out Spartan DB Cole Corey's football days are over...unless they're of The Longest Yard variety. Corey, who earned Academic All-Big 10 honors as a freshman, pleaded guilty to a felony charge of possession of a controlled substance. We won't go into details here of the 12 other serious charges that were dropped with his guilty plea but, suffice to say, the 2-10 year sentence he agreed to says a lot.

We're down to our final three match-ups in the MZone Blog Co-ed Showdown Sweet 16 and this could be interesting as #5 Brigid, the "Lethal Weapon Barbie," squares off against Jordanna, the "Paris Hilton Wannabe." Now, before we get to our scouting report, a brief explanation about why a girl who posed naked for Playboy only warranted a 12 seeding for today's clash...

We here at the MZone, not unlike the March Madness seeding committee, take many factors into consideration when placing our competitors in the brackets (hell, if only we spent this much time on our jobs). In Jordanna's case, we first ran across her in the May issue of Playboy where she was included in the "Girls of the Top Ten Party Schools" pictorial representing her school, Florida State. However, in the little blurb next to her picture she said her "goal" was to become the next Paris Hilton. Then, in an interview with a Florida State paper (along with fellow FSU student, Playboy pictorial poser and MZone BCS #3 seed, Jenn Sterger), Jordanna was asked, "Are there any projects you are working on for the future?" to which she answered, "Not that I know of."

Thus, it was due to these lofty life goals and apparent intelligence that the seeding committee felt she warranted a #12 in our bracket. You may call that harsh, we call them high standards. Remember, this isn't some little bullshit contest, we're talking about the MZone BCS!

SCOUTING REPORT

School:

Brigid: WisconsinJordanna: Florida State

Claim to Fame:

Brigid: Plays in Women's Professional Football League, while in Air Force ROTC was first female cadet in two years to win the expert marksmanship award with a 9-mm, pageant-winning model, has flown airplanesJordanna: Got naked in Playboy

Fashion Statement:

Brigid: Football pads in "Boys Junior" sizeJordanna: Black bars across her lady parts

Impressed Us When:

Brigid: Made the WI Wolves of the Women's Professional Football LeagueJordanna: Got kicked out of her sorority for posing in Playboy

Brigid: "I know that learning plays is a very important part of football, but I really just want to hit some people. Is that so wrong?"Jordanna: "Seeing other girls' pictures in Playboy, it looks really natural and almost effortless, but the way you have to hold these positions for long periods of time just to get one picture; it was a lot harder than I thought it would be."

Friendly Skies:

Brigid: While in ROTC, flew small-prop planes and the T-37, the trainer jet for the F-16Jordanna: Future member of the Mile High Club

If You Say So:

Brigid: "There have been job offers in marketing and finance; possible guest roles in upcoming movies; talk of TV shows; spokesmodel positions; radio interviews across the nation, and so on. I have even been advised to get an agent."Jordanna: "I care more about personality than looks."

Quote:

Brigid: "Hey, just because some of us are small doesn't mean we don't pack a punch."Jordanna: "I am into all kinds of weird stuff. I think I might come off as a typical sorority girl, but I am definitely not as I seem. I am really into spirituality and metaphysics and weird things like that."

Line:

While Brigid is favored, judging from, how should we put this?, the one-track minds of some of our readers (you know who you are), this could be very, very close and an upset is not out of the question.

To vote for your favorite, leave us a comment with your pick and/or CLICK HERE.

While the final design and construction contracts still require additional approval, the target for completion is 2010. About 83 indoor suites and 3,200 outdoor club seats will be added.

And the cost for all this? An estimated $226 million (Michigan Stadium was initially built in 1927 at a cost of $950,000).

However, not all are happy with the proposed changes. The site SaveTheBigHouse.com claims the addition of luxury boxes will divide "Michigan fans by income," and "building boxes would also cast long shadows over the egalitarian values which U-M has always championed."

While that sounds all nice and Kumbaya, apparently the folks who run that website haven't bought season tickets in the last couple of years. Ever since the addition of the "seat license fees," Michigan fans have been divided by income. And even before that, if anybody thinks the folks sitting on the 50 were your average Joe and Jane Michigan Fan, think again. Those tickets went to the big donors of the athletic department, don't kid yourself. So that argument really doesn't wash.

To me, their strongest argument against the boxes is that such suites would undermine the gameday experience for most fans. As they point out, the addition of towering structures on each side of the stadium would cast significant shadows over the stands and field much earlier in the game and much earlier in the season. Now, that might not matter to those all nice and warm up in their sky boxes, but to the other 100,000 folks freezing in the cold, it would suck major ass.

However, the positive that they fail to mention is that it might actually increase the noise factor in the Big (Quiet) House. Maybe Michigan might actually enjoy a home-field advantage for a change.

My opinion? I think they should build the luxury boxes if they end the "seat license fees" which I believe are a complete and utter load of shit. Michigan Stadium is the biggest football stadium in America and has been sold out EVERY GAME SINCE 1975. Every Michigan football game is televised. Michigan apparel is constantly in the Top 10 of all NCAA licensed merchandise sold. So don't cry poor to me. And yes, I know that football ticket revenue funds women's soccer and men's gymnastics and blah, blah, blah. Boo fucking hoo. Put it this way, if Michigan football can't turn a profit, how the hell do the Purdues and Vanderbilts and Stanfords of the world even field teams?

Oh, and when U-M officials counter that, "But Michigan State or BLANK has luxury boxes" to bring in added revenue? Well, let's see, MSU or BLANK's stadium also holds 30,000 less fans than the Big House. So that means those 30,000 more M fans x $50 or so bucks a ticket = suck my balls telling me about Michigan's financial hardship. Did I mention boo fucking hoo yet?

Hey, some guy has $45K to spend each year on a luxury box? Have at it. It's your money. What pisses me off is that most folks are being priced out of Michigan games with the high ticket costs and seat license fees. I became a Michigan fan as a little boy going to the games with my family. But the fact is, if tickets cost then what they do now, we probably couldn't have afforded to go. And I just think it's a shame that some kid somewhere in southeastern Michigan won't get the chance to have those memories, to build that love of the Maize and Blue, because it now costs over $300 for a family of four to catch the Wolverines on a Saturday in A2.

That to me is the real bullshit, not whether they do or don't add luxury boxes.

Note: the Ann Arbor News had a great special section on the proposed project (including the picture below).

According to Mandel, that game makes the list because, "In talking to coaches over the last several years, I've learned that this game is viewed as something of a landmark moment in the current craze of spread offenses. When people saw Northwestern, which had had one of the worst offenses in the country only a year earlier, use the spread to put up 654 yards on the Wolverines, it spawned a whole lot of copycats, most notably Urban Meyer when he took over at Bowling Green the following season."

We here at the MZone think this game was significant for a wholly different reason - to us, it marked the beginning of the end for Jim Herrmann. Basically, from that point forward, one could never count on a Michigan defense to hold onto a lead, no matter how big or no matter how many points the Wolverines scored. Nothing was ever safe again.

He questions some of Bill Martin's claims of how easily the athletic department will be able to pay back the costs of building the boxes (some estimates are as high as $200 million), as well as whether Michigan will be able to sell all available luxury seats. That seems preposterous when you think that they've been pulling in over 100,000 fans for every game for over 30 years. But could there be a limit for how much Michigan fans will spend to go to a game? And what happens if a 7-5 season is actually a good season, rather than a disaster, as 2005 is currently viewed?

Rosenberg reports that the plan is for two buildings to essentially be attached to the bowl, one about six stories high, the other eight. Sure, it'll increase the noise of jangling keys on an important 3rd down, but will it ruin the stadium experience by blocking out the sun and making it look more like an NFL edifice?

Luxury boxes can be done right and even can enhance the majesty of a stadium. The Horseshoe looks as if they've had the boxes forever, and the Buckeyes have prospered greatly since they've gone in. But anyone who's seen Chicago's Soldier Field knows that these stadium renovations can result in an eyesore.

Right now we're left with nothing but questions. Can the luxury boxes be done right? Can they not take away and even enhance the Stadium? Can they be paid off quickly and generate the promised revenue? And most importantly, is Bill Martin the man to make sure the answer to these questions is "Yes?"

Proverbial thorn in U-M's side and lover of all things sweater vest, Tosu head coach Jim Tressel has agreed to a seven-year contract with the Bucks that will pay him almost $2.4 million this season. The contract runs through January 13, 2013.

In five seasons at the helm, Tressel is 50-13. He's won a national title, is 4-1 in bowl games and (ouch) 4-1 versus the Wolverines. However, he has yet to win an outright Big 10 title nor truthfully explain the bomb sniffing dogs the Michigan bus was confronted with before the 2004 game in Columbus.

According to Star (yes, that rag in the grocery store so consider the source), the Arizona Cardinals have warned Matt Leinart that if he's serious about football, cut the late night party photo-ops with Paris Hilton.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

According to the Detroit News, Michigan is about to announce a radio deal for its sports broadcasts that amounts to the Balkanization of U-M athletics across the airwaves.

To recap, Michigan football and basketball had been carried on WJR, the 50,000 watt Detroit superstation. That is until seven months ago when the station shocked everyone by dropping the Wolverines in favor of broadcasting MSU games instead. Even worse, Michigan officials claim they were negotiating in good-faith with WJR when they were cut loose for the Spartans.

So, who's going to be carrying the Wolverines now? Well, a lot of people, actually.

Michigan football is expected to be broadcast on CKLW 800, another 50,000 watt AM station...but a Canadian 50,000 watt station located just across the border in Windsor. The games will also be simulcast on Detroit's WOMC, located at 104.3 on your FM dial. Basketball will air on WWJ 950 and hockey will be carried on WXYT 1270.

Sweet mother of God! For a second there, I thought the MZone might pick up a sport of two.

I happen to think this looks bad for Michigan. The main carrier of Wolverine football isn't even located in the continental United States anymore. In addition, we now have this patchwork of stations to carry the other U-M sports. How...Northwestern of us.

Benny disagrees, saying that in this day and age, nobody really listens to the games on the radio anymore. He feels true Michigan fans are either at the game or watching it on TV.

That may be, but I still think it looks bad. It's a perception thing in my book.

The only good news regarding all this is that Frank Beckman, Michigan's long-time play-by-play announcer, and Jim Brandstatter, the former Michigan player and Beckman's color man, will continue to call the games. So at least Michigan fans have something to be happy aboot.

Brilliant. Simply brilliant. As I'm sure by changing the name, nobody who goes to this game will ever drink again.

Michigan (and Tosu) fans should understand completely the anger this has generated in Gator and Dawg circles. Remember when Michigan AD Bill Martin tried to secretly team up with the Buckeye AD and SBC to rename the UM/OSU match-up the SBC Michigan-Ohio State Classic until fan outrage nixed the deal? We feel your pain, Orson.

If they do re-name the game, where's Gene Rayburn when you need him?

P.S. Folks, ok, we admit it - we were just looking for a cheap excuse to put a picture of Charles Nelson Reilly and Richard Dawson up on the MZone.

P.P.S. Is it just us, or do some of you feel ill just seeing that old Match Game picture since the only time you probably watched it was when you were home sick from school? And don't even think of showing us a photo of Bob Barker.

Kyle King has posted his "Odd Coaching Fits" (Part 1 and Part 2) on his site Dawg Sports. Most of them are dead on, including the last coach to beat Michigan.

It also lists a Michigan coach before he came to Ann Arbor - Fielding Yost's one game of coaching the San Jose State SPARTANS in 1900.

How in the world did this happen? Yost of the MZone was sheepish when I asked him about it. Evidently there was a girl who he liked and so he took the job. The football wasn't great, but the sex was fantastic.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

I suspect many Michigan fans will be puzzled by the title of this post.

Yes, Ecker should have run out of bounds towards the end of the tOSU game (though I doubt it would have made a difference in the outcome.)

And, of course Ecker screwed up by not pitching the ball to pleading speedster Steve Breaston at the end of the Alamo Bowl, which would have almost certainly led to a game-winning touchdown and a highlight we would see a few times every year for the rest of our lives.

But I like Tyler Ecker. Here are a few reasons why:

...he's made big plays for us in the past, including a huge 30-yard sideline reception to sew up a victory over tOSU in 2003.

...he could be one of the nation's top tight ends if we make a concerted effort to get him the ball (DeBord helped Tuman become First Team All Big Ten, perhaps he can do the same for Ecker.)

I'm going on record early with the belief that when we are faced with a critical third and six late late in a key game next year, we will want to see the ball thrown to Ecker and we won't be disappointed with the outcome if it is.

We don't have video of Stoops' flight, but thanks to the wonder that is the Interweb, we have the experience of Atlanta Journal Constitution staffer Steve Beatty. There are five scenes all together, each around two minutes. The footage is pretty incredible, and after watching, I have to give Stoops credit for not hurling. I practically did on my keyboard just watching this stuff.

And most memorably, completed the Hail Mary to Gerard Phelan against Miami in 1984. I can still remember watching that game in my basement, and it was already memorable for having CBS pick up the audio of Miami QB Bernie Kosar yelling "Let's run it the fuck at 'em," to coach Jimmy Johnson. But that incident was soon eclipsed by Flutie's heroics.

Must have been something in the air over the weekend but we came across enough dumb things that we felt such stupidity warranted its very own day.

Scroll down to see the following:

* Michigan Morons - Yes, we're a Go Blue! site but stupidity is stupidity, even if they're our own fans* Flaming Morons - A double "shot" of some amateur alcoholics* How dumb is Paris Hilton? Well...* Longhorn Moron - Not wanting to be outdone by the team they beat for the most recent BCS title, a Texas RB throws his hat in the MZone Ring of Stupidity

First of all, we've always been curious to know what kind of "individual" wears a t-shirt with the F-bomb displayed on it. But to have it on there twice - and the finger to boot?!

However, that's not the worst thing about this shirt. When we first saw it, we were a bit confused if it was indeed a "pro" Michigan shirt. Sure, they're saying "fuck" Tosu but doesn't it also seem like they're flipping off the state of Michigan as well?

For those reasons, even though we're a Wolverine site, this "pro" U-M shirt gets the dubious distinction of our top Moron Monday post of the day.

P.S. Can't wait to see the Tosu sites ripping on some of their fans for wearing Fuck Michigan garb.

Well, while we never thought of Miss Hilton as a member of Mensa, we didn't know quite how, uh, not Mensa she was. But a prime example was on display at the recent E3 video game expo in Los Angeles. Hilton was on hand to promote her new video game. Arriving late, she apologized for her tardiness then said, "I'm really excited to have my new video game, 'Diamondquest.' Thank you all for coming, and you can download the game."

Nice, sweet and to the point. Only problem was, the name of her new game isn't "Diamondquest," it's "Paris Hilton's Jewel Jam."

Oops. Nice going, Paris. And Matt, if somehow, some way, this is a publicity stunt, you should fire your PR person immediately.

Taylor, who scored a touchdown in the Rose Bowl and 15 TDs last season, had been "excused from the team" to focus on academics. According to head coach Mack Brown, in light of the most recent charges, "At this time we will not consider reinstating him to the team."

The story of Taylor's arrest isn't exactly ordinary. It includes a fight involving around 100 people, a pecan farm, and a call to police by Taylor himself. In the most important weigh-in of his life, Taylor, who also had a live 40-caliber round of ammunition in the car, could face up to 20 years if the bag of pot weighs over five pounds. If it ends up being under five pounds, he only faces a maximum of two years.

As you probably guessed from the title, the University of Michigan has a better chance of winning a road football game in September than being incuded in this category.

The Top Ten

1. Wisconsin (Go Big 10!)2. UC Santa Barbara (Yost has been there, Yost agrees)3. Arizona State (With Porno Cheerleaders, a no brainer)4. Indiana (No longer just a b.ball school)5. San Diego State (Steve Fisher ends up there, they make the list. Coincidence?)6. Florida State (No real surprise from what we've heard)7. Ohio (Bobcats trump Tosu in Ohio for this honor)8. Georgia (Apparently largest cocktail party is just another day at UGA)9. Tennessee (We tease UT a lot here but we bow in respect for this honor)10. McGill (Muh-who?)

Since many of you may not get the magazine, strictly in the interest of journalism, we here at the MZone have obtained a copy so that we may better report for this post. So allow us to live vicariously through a few other schools as we offer our thoughts and comments on the universities and co-eds that made the list/pictorial.

According to the article (see, we read it), UC Santa Barbara covers 989 acres on the Pacific coast. Ocean + Party School + Girls who like to be naked. Why didn't we apply there?

The best hangout on the ASU campus is the Pussycat Lounge which is owned by porn star Jenna Jameson. That explains so much.

FSU Cowgirl Jenn Sterger is pictured with Seminole Jordanna who says (folks, we're not making this up) her goal is "to become the next Paris Hilton." Gee, talk about lofty ambitions. May we suggest she start by fucking Matt Leinart.

Best kept secret about FSU: a female-to-male ratio of 57-43. Daaaaaamn!

Wait a minute...UGA has the same ratio! WTF!?! Let me speak for all M alums in saying we got screwed!

O.J. Simpson is doing a pay-per-view candid camera show called "Juiced." In it, he pulls a "prank" involving the infamous White Bronco he used to evade police during his slow-speed, televised chase in 1994 before his arrest on charges of murdering his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend, Ronald Goldman. For the segment, he pretends to sell the Bronco at a used car lot and tells one prospective buyer that he made the vehicle famous saying, "It was good for me - it helped me get away."

But the show's producer Rick Mahr said, "Basically O.J. Simpson has decided to do this because he wants to do it, and he wanted to have fun with it."

Fun? What a sick piece of crap. By profiting off this shit, Mahr is almost as bad as O.J. Talk about no morals whatsoever. And please tell me there's not a market for this. People wouldn't actually pay money to see this, would they? And are cable and satellite companies really going to carry this? Say it isn't so.

Sorry, folks, but this one really pissed me off.

UPDATE: Just found out this "show" is being distributed by iN DEMAND, a partnership venture between Comcast Cable, Cox Cable, Time Warner Entertainment and other cable companies. Shame on these folks.

Yesterday, we put up a post about Bob "Maverick" Stoops taking a spin with the Navy's Blue Angels at a Texas air show this week. During the flight, Stoops passed out, but didn't blow chunks.

Former American Idol champ Kelly Clarkson went for a ride as well but we were unsure how she faired. Turns out...not so good. Clarkson needed an air sick bag and, by her own admission, "I felt so bad, because they had to clean up the plane."

We also learned Clarkson is a big Longhorn fan who reportedly needled Stoops during the pre-flight briefing. No word yet if Stoops and other members of his staff responded by singing "You've Lost That Loving Feeling."

Oklahoma coach Bob Stoops took a ride with the Navy's Blue Angels on Wednesday as part of the Texas Thunder 2006 Air Show, and the big news was that he didn't lose his lunch. Sure, he passed out, but he didn't vomit. Upon seeing the photo of Stoops in his flight suit, former presidential candidate Michael Dukakis reportedly said, "Big mistake."

Also bragging that he passed out but didn't vomit was OU QB Rhett Bomar. However, that had nothing to do with the Blue Angels. Bomar was simply referring a really great Happy Hour near Norman he went to and the kick-ass game of Quarters he played at the Sigma Chi house.

Somebody who did fly with the Blue Angels at the air show was former American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson. No word on whether or not Ms. Clarkson hurled. But based on her weight loss since her pre-Idol days, I'd say the odds were pretty good she vomited at some point during the day.

In his concession speech, Osborne said he was disappointed because this was his last race. However, upon hearing that Osborne was retiring from politics, former Husker QB Scott Frost lobbied hard for his old coach saying, "If your state's farm subsidies depended on Heineman or Osborne, who would you rather have as your Governor?"

As a result of Scott's remarks and the fact that Peyton Manning still didn't win the Heisman, Tennessee coach Phil Fulmer organized a special vote of the former USA TODAY Coaches Poll. Based on Fulmer dropping Heineman below the American Revolutionary Party on his ballot, Osborne was awarded a share of the Nebraska governorship as a retirement gift. Heineman will retain the title of AP Governor of Nebraska.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

ESPN took a few minutes away from covering Barry Bonds' thrilling chase of Babe Ruth's All Time Career Second Place Home Run Record to publish this thorough and interesting Spring Recap of Big Ten football teams.

Below are some notable points from it:

Illinois-The Illini return 20 of 22 starters. Is that a good or bad thing for U of I fans?

Indiana-UConn visits the Hoosiers on September 23. Unfortunately the teams will not be playing basketball.

Iowa-One of the Hawkeyes top receivers is named Herb Grigsby, who must be the only 51-year-old insurance salesman playing Division I college football.

Michigan- My favorite line from the entire report: "However, the attitude of the defense should be noted. The players can't stop talking about how much more intense and physical the practices have become under English, whose motivational tactics seem to have sparked a desire to attack the ball and force more turnovers."

Minnesota-Gary Russell, whose attempt to run out the clock at the end of regulation in last year's Michigan game resulted in a 61-yard dash to set up the winning field goal, is currently in junior college trying to become academically eligible to play in 2006.

Northwestern-I couldn't believe departing LB Tim McGarigle (who was just drafted in the seventh round by the Rams) is the NCAA's all-time leading tackler.

tOSU-My second favorite line from the entire report: "The back seven on defense didn't just get hit hard by graduation and early departures--it got driven into the ground with a sledgehammer. All seven starters--not to mention a pair of starting ends up front -- are gone off what was a dominating unit. Yes, it's Ohio State. Yes, there's plenty of talent waiting in the wings. But nine starters are still nine starters..."

Penn State-Dangerous all-purpose weapon QB? Gone. Top D-Lineman? Gone. Entire defensive backfield? Gone. Chances that the Nittany Lions will come within shouting distance of 7-4? Gone. Should have quit while you were ahead, JoePa.

Purdue-Next to JoePa, Joe Tiller is my best bet to have a sideline and/or press conference meltdown this year.

Wisconsin-New head coach Brett Bielema may need Brigid Mullin to suit up, because it appears the Badgers have some major needs to address.

According to the Reuters news story, right after the revolution, women were prevented from entering sports stadiums because sportsmen were wearing shorts. More recently, Iranian officials have said women were barred because it was inappropriate for them to be in crowds where strong language or bad behavior was expected. Sources tell the MZone that the rude and crude behavior in question primarily took place during the home games of The Bandar-e Abbas State University following the traditional "dotting of the Ayatollah."

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

SI On Campus recently posted a Q&A with Texas cheerleader Mia Adams. As expected, the interview is less revealing than a Dateline investigation. However, there were a couple of things that were interesting.

First, she claims the cheerleaders' biggest rival at Texas is Texas Tech. There must be a cosmopolitan capitol vs. dusty outpost thing going on among the cheerleaders because, even though the Red Raiders have been better in football lately, I'd think Longhorns fans consider Oklahoma and Texas A&M much bigger rivals.

Second, she says the best way to pick up a cheerleader is to "Be one of those enthusiastic fans and just go crazy." Based on personal experience of being one of those enthusiastic, crazy fans, I have to say nothing could be further from the truth. Sure, a cheerleader might smile at you during the game and encourage you to keep cheering, but once the game is over they won't talk to you or return your calls, and they'll pretend not to notice you as you're camped outside their apartment or when you "bump into them" after every one of their classes. They'll sometimes even go so far as to get a court order to keep you 250 feet away from them. Not that it's ever happened to me. I will say that her standard rejection line of "Go Texas" would be nicest thing I'd ever heard while getting shot down.

Finally, Ms. Adams admits that after performing a cheer for a fan, she received a free ice cream. Wouldn't that be in violation of NCAA rules? Could this be the first cheerleader entry in the Fulmer Cup?

As you might have noticed, we haven't had a Blog Co-ed Showdown match-up here in a few weeks. And trust us, it's not that we don't want to, it's just that we haven't found a worthy opponent for our next contestant, University of Wisconsin co-ed Brigid Mullen.

Besides her studies, Mullen is a model, Miss Wisconsin USA first runner-up and plays football in the Women's Professional Football league (gee, why doesn't she just say she loves three-ways so we can drool that much more over our keyboard).

Granted, no matter who we put up against Ms. Mullen, it probably won't be close (unless another ASU cheerleader decides to try her "hand" at the adult film industry). But we want to find someone who a) has college ties and b) is somewhat in the public eye either via the news (like Brigid) or via self-promotion (MySpace, going half-naked to FSU games, etc.). Hopefully we'll have another clash of the co-eds within the next week or so.

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