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05 October 2010

And the lamb lies down with the Notes From The News

Hoody-hoo hoody-hoo hoody-hoo, and how are you? Hope your day has been treating you well. Today has been relatively good to me, though a bit crowded with events and moments and a splitting headache whcih hasn't quite gone away. Blergh. But still, I have newsnotes for you. Regardez:

Urine in wine, dept.: as the announcement of the new list of Rock and Roll Hall of Lame inductees draws nearer, Popeater presents a list of some of the most famous snubs in the hall's long, faintly ridiculous history. And there's a Pete Rose joke in here somewhere, but I can't quite find it.

MTV is taking a radical left turn and actually hiring a popular music star to host a program for them! Justin Bieber will bring his boyish good looks and his mutant hairdo and appear on a remake of . . . Punk'd. Huh. *blink* *blink* Huh. Ahhhhh, fuck MTV anyway.

J. K. Rowling says she could write three more Harry Potter novels if she wanted to. Though she doesn't really want to. Except she might. If she wanted to. Which she doesn't. At which point someone performed an Excruciatus curse on her to get her to shut the frig up about it.

Lil Wayne got solitary confinement as punishment for having an iPod and charger in his cell. If they wanted to punish him the would have made him listen to his last album. Kids, lawn, off, blah.

Remember how Mamma Mia made it all right to love ABBA again? And how the movie version torpedoed several careers and reputations? And proved that Meryl Streep doesn't always pick the good scripts? Welp, it looks like we're about to start going through the same situation with the Beach Boys. Meryl, change your phone number NOW.

Cry me a river, dept.: Jessica Alba says that childbirth has left her in horrible shape, just horrible, HORRIBLE shape, and that she is all cellulite and saggy and stretchy and WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. To which I say: blow me, you shallow, narcissistic airhead.

Lance Bass was on Larry King last night, explaining how, when he was a closeted teenager growing up in the Bible Belt, he bullied other gays as a means to fit in. In other news, Lance Bass has finally found a way to be marginally relevant again.

Emily Blunt will be playing Joseph Gordon-Levitt's mother? I think? in a new timey-travelly capery actiony thrillery thingy called Looper, which is being directed by Rian Johnson, whose previous film was the well regarded and criminally underrated The Brothers Bloom. This sounds like one to look forward to. Or, given that it's about time travel, maybe it's one to look backward to.

In other mother news, Olivia Wilde will play Justin Timberlake's mother in an upcoming dystopian science fiction film, currently untitiled, from director Andrew Niccol. The fact that Wilde is three years younger then Timberlake somehow does not matter in the scheme of things here. Yeah, this sounds like a good one . . . to run far, far away from.

What is this I don't even, dept.: Pajiba reports that Lara Flynn Boyle is getting a reality show and HOLY GOD WHAT THE HELL KILL IT WITH FIRE SWEET MOTHER OF FUCK! In other news, I'd like to thank Courtney Enlow for dropping that series of images into my mind where it will haunt my nightmares forever. I'll get you for this, my pretty.

And that had better be enough before any more scarring occurs. Now is the time on Nighthawk Postcards when you let me hear your balalaikas ringing out: