I Laugh, Therefore, I AM

A humorous view of politics, religion, human behavior, and insights toward everyday happenings by a single guy living in downtown Chicago.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Vegan Hungarian Paprikas

Back in the
1990s, I was an actual monk in an actual monastery. (Cue the chorus of angel
voices here.) Anyway, I taught myself to cook Hungarian food because most of
the elderly monks came over from Hungary during the 1950s and I wanted to give
them a taste of their homeland. (Also, I wanted to COOK – I was fine with the poverty,
chastity, and obedience, but I missed cooking. Hungarian food was my ticket back
into the kitchen.)

So,
remembering the robust taste of Hungarian paprika, sour cream, and hearty
peasant fare, I veganized “Hungarian Paprikas”. Hearty crimini mushrooms take
the place of the chicken and I developed a nifty cashew sour cream. By the way,
Hungarian food can be pretty spicy (“csípös”) so feel free to oomph up
the cayenne pepper.

I’m really
pleased with this dish. Not only will it make a Hungarian monk long for his
homeland, (it’s THAT good) but we can enjoy it too.

Oh, and here’s
a photo of me roller-blading in my habit. In retrospect, it’s not surprising I’m
no longer a monk.

Fry the
crimini mushrooms face down in margarine until well-browned. Don’t turn them
over; don’t touch them. It’s important that they get really brown on the cut
side. After they’re brown on one side, they’re done. You’ll need to do this in
two batches.

Add the
onions and bell pepper and sauté until slightly tender. Add the spices along
with a little oil for frying in order to let the paprika “bloom” which,
apparently, is hugely important to Hungarians. Add the tomato sauce, diced
tomatoes, and simmer on low for 20 minutes. Return the mushrooms to the sauce
along with the sour cream and serve over pasta.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Josh Duggar Christian Confession Resurrects Ashley Madison Site

The recent confession of repeated infidelity from American
Family Association’s poster-boy, Josh Duggar, has not only resurrected the
flailing Ashley Madison social networking service for those seeking extra-marital
affairs, but has resulted in a huge surge of highly-paid memberships to the
online dating service after the notorious hacking of its site.

“When our membership names were hacked and published,
frankly, I thought we were done for,” reported Ashley Madison president and
CEO, Noel Biderman, known as “the King of Infidelity” who had founded the
website in 2001 as a means for married men to connect with women online with
whom they could discreetly cheat on their spouses. “Our entire model depended on
the secrecy of our subscribers’ identities. When our members’ personal identifications
were revealed, I expected everything to come crashing down.”

“If it hadn’t been for Josh Duggar’s confession to owning
two subscriptions, we’d be done for! Frankly, he turned out to be our best
marketing agent.”

Apparently, millions of would-be, hesitant subscribers
flooded the website with highly-paid subscriptions once Josh Duggar divulged
his activities on the site.

“We’d had the reputation of posting fictitious female
accounts on a regular basis in order to attract married men to our site. This reputation
prevented many married men from availing themselves to our services. However, the
moment Josh Duggar admitted that he’d actually hooked up with dozens of women
from our site, millions of married men knew that our site was legitimate and
that they’d be assured of freely committing adultery just like Josh Duggar did.

An anonymous subscriber listed as “Theodore Nugent,”
completed an on-line evaluation noting, “Hey, if a loser like Josh Duggar can
get laid on this site dozens of times, then you KNOW we all can. Pile on,
dudes!”

Biderman stated: “Josh Duggar made the mistake of using his
own company credit card furnished by Tony Perkin’s Family Research Council.
Apparently, the FRC was so enamored with Josh that they gave him an unlimited
credit card which was immediately identified in the hacking of our site.”

Biderman breathlessly continued: “Since then, all of our new
subscribers learned from Josh Duggar’s idiotic blunders and have signed up with
‘prepaid virtual Visa Cards’ that don’t require any identifying information. We’ve
even began supplying our own virtual credit cards, thanks to Josh Duggar’s
stupid gaffe. We’ve already made a bundle in add-on fees with these pre-paid
cards.”

According to Ashley Madison’s marketing director,
subscriptions have increased six-hundredfold due to Josh Duggar’s admission. “Our
increased revenue can easily pay for any and all lawsuits that have been levied
by the hacking of our site. It’s really ironic, but thanks to Josh Duggar,
marriage infidelity will increase unabated and remain profitable for years to
come.”

Thursday, August 13, 2015

The Highway to Heaven

Apparently, a lot of fundamentalist Christian folks believe that Interstate 35 is the “Highway to Holiness” mentioned in the Bible. Isaiah, chapter 35, verse 8 says: “A highway will be there, a roadway, and it will be called the Highway of Holiness. The unclean will not travel on it, but it will be for him who walks that way, and fools will not wander on it.”

Now, there are dozens of Christian groups scattered along I-35 praying for lost souls, praying that the naughty adult-type establishments will go away, and praying that God will deign to say that I-35 is, indeed, the highway mentioned in 35th chapter of Isaiah. (They probably think that God had something to do with numbering the chapters, after all.)

I don't know if that'll happen, but I am awfully familiar with I-35.

Growing up in south Texas, my family would often make the six-hour drive north to Dallas to visit our relatives for Christmas or Thanksgiving, most of which was on I-35. I don’t recall it being particularly “blessed,” -- mainly just boring. I do remember that my mom, being a new single parent and not particularly used to driving on interstate highways, was usually pretty tense during the entire drive. Threats of impending disaster were continually conveyed upon my brother and me in the back seat if we didn’t settle down and behave.

My grandmother, "Budgie" -- always firmly implanted in passenger seat -- took it upon herself to provide a veritable feast for the entire trip which was expertly catered in foil-lined shoe boxes. One would be laden with sandwiches (half roast beef and half pimento cheese); another with deviled eggs; yet another with brownies and then there’d be thermoses of coffee and cocoa. Heaven forbid, we’d have to stop and eat at those horribly expensive Stuckey’s restaurants along the way. "Highway robbery!" she'd exclaim.

Those Stuckey’s supplied the only entertainment for my brother and me. We’d play a game called “zip” with the Stuckey’s advertising billboards. The first one of us to see one would suddenly bolt forward and scream, “ZIP!” which was followed by my mom bolting upright and screaming that we had almost caused her to careen off the highway into a fiery crash. And for the record, there were nine Stuckey’s restaurants between Austin and Dallas with ten billboards advertising each restaurant. That's 90 billboards evenly placed throughout the 200 miles -- Doing the math, the result was an adolescent boy suddenly screaming "ZIP" every 2.22222 miles.

Over the mayhem, Budgie would be offering everyone a deviled egg.

Good times. . .

Stuckey's went out of business years ago; probably because everyone’s grandmothers kept us all from stopping at any of them.

Then there was the time when I was sixteen years old and had just obtained my driver’s license. Mom was letting me drive the car along with providing continual visions of impending fiery crashes if I didn’t use the turn signal, or if I played my 8-track of Tubular Bells one more time, or if I went one iota over the speed limit.

I was instructed to stop for gas in Waco, so I exited I-35 and proceeded to run straight through a stop sign at the intersection.

WHOPPP!!!

Mom suddenly backhanded me really hard across the chest. (She was a school teacher and employed a very direct corrective theory when it came to her son's driver education.) For years after that, I’d point out that intersection in Waco: “There’s where you nailed me for running that stop sign, Mom.” It became one of our favorite sites.

Soon after college, I moved to Dallas where I lived and worked for ten years. I-35 then became the highway home to see my folks.

I don’t know if I-35 is, indeed, the “Highway to Holiness” as mentioned in the Bible. It seems pretty egocentric for anyone to make such a claim just because they live near it. But for my little family, it sure holds lots of funny and poignant memories.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Duggar Scandal Featured on Celebrity Tours

SPRINGDALE, ARKANSAS
- In order to capitalize on the Josh Duggar scandal, GoldLine Tours of
Hollywood, in conjunction with the City of Springdale, is offering guided bus
tours that focus on notorious sites featured in TLC’s 19 Kids and Counting and the child molestation scandal of Josh Duggar. Springdale’s mayor, Doug Sprouse, explained that a
steady influx of tourists and curiosity seekers prompted him to contact the
tour bus company in hopes of benefiting at least financially from hordes of
onlookers in the Springdale area.

"My
wife and I had just returned from L.A. and I remembered how much we enjoyed the
tour of celebrity homes," said the mayor. "I figured this would be a
great opportunity to generate some much-needed revenue for our fair city."

For
$29.95 each ($15.95 for children under twelve), sightseers can board luxury
buses at various hotels in the Springdale area and embark on an exciting
ninety-minute tour of locations associated with the child abuse cases. The
buses pass by notorious sites such as the home of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar
and their 19 children, the first house that Josh and Anna lived in as newlyweds,
and the police headquarters where Jim Bob allegedly took Josh one year after
the molestations came to light.

Highlights
of the tour include photo ops in front of the famous Duggar home where the unreported
molestations took place ten years ago and the infamous hill featured at the
beginning of each episode, down which the children gleefully run along with one
on bouncing on Josh’s shoulders. The tour is followed by a picnic lunch (cost
included in the ticket price) in the parking lot of the used car dealership
that Josh once owned before taking his post with the Family Research Council in
Washington DC.

"I
can't believe we're really here!" exclaimed one tourist, Mindy Feingold,
who drove 20 hours with her husband, David, and their two children from White
Plains, New York. "It looks just like it did on television!"

"We
were going to take the kids to see their uncle's name on the Viet Nam Memorial
in Washington," said David Feingold. "But, historically, this is much more significant." His
children concurred. "It was fun, Daddy!" they said in unison.
Feingold playfully ruffled his son's hair. "And Jonathan here says he
wants to have his own reality show someday. Doncha, slugger!"

"The
tourist response has been phenomenal," reported Mayor Sprouse. "It's
going to be a real money-maker—much more than the actual reality show ever
was."

Owing
to the huge influx of tourists, Six Flags Corporation CEO, Mark Shapiro, has
indicated an interest in opening a large theme park in the Springdale area.
"The tourist season hasn't even begun yet, and the head counts look pretty
impressive," said Shapiro. "Interest in the Duggar molestation
scandal could certainly give [nearby] Warm Springs a run for their money."

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Sunday, May 24, 2015

Christian Baker Refuses to Make a 'Welcome Home Josh' Cake for Michelle Duggar. Cites 'Firmly Held Religious Beliefs'

SPRINGDALE, ARKANSAS
-- Reeling from the recent child abuse scandal and having resigned as executive
director of the Family Research Council, Josh Duggar, his wife, and three
children have left Washington D.C. and returned to the family homestead in
Springdale, Arkansas. Adding to further embarrassment, a local baker refused to
make a “Welcome Home Josh” cake for his mother, Michelle Duggar, upon his
return.

“As
a devout Christian, I just couldn’t bring myself to bake a cake for Michelle
Duggar knowing it would be used to celebrate the return of a habitual sex
offender into their home,” reported Harriet Johnston, owner of “I Knead Thee Every
Hour,” a bakery specializing in Christian-themed baked goods. “Mrs. Duggar has
been a long-time customer, but when she asked me to bake this cake, I held her
hand and told her I couldn’t do it because of my relationship with Jesus
Christ.”

Johnston
thought for a moment and added, “At first, I thought I’d get persecuted for my
beliefs and by not complying with the Consumer Protection Act, but the Duggars
and Mike Huckabee have championed religious freedom for business owners in
Arkansas for years now. This is the only person I’ve ever refused to serve
during my 37 years in business, but I knew my Christian beliefs would be
protected.”

Mrs.
Duggar was reportedly quite taken aback by the refusal of service from a
Christian-owned business. She repeatedly tried to obtain services from other
area bakeries, including the local Wal-Mart, but was continually turned away.

“I
have nothing against Josh Duggar personally,” said Johnston. “I have a problem
with what this cake would be used for
– to welcome him back into the midst of all those children. It’s their
lifestyle I have problem with. I’ll always say that all children deserve a
mother and a father – but ones who would not harbor a sex offender in their
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Sunday, October 12, 2014

Mexico Closes Border with Texas Due to Ebola Threat

MEXCO CITY - After learning of the recent cases of the Ebola virus in Texas,
Mexico’s president, Enrique Peña Nieto, has taken prompt and effective
measures to insure that Mexican citizens are kept safe from the deadly virus spreading
across its neighbor to the north.

“We must take all measures to keep
our border safe and secure,” stated Nieto. “To that end, effective immediately,
no Texans will be allowed across our border.”

Today, visitors flying from Texas
into Mexican cities such as Cancun and Acapulco were met by immigration
officials wearing hazmat suits and detained for extensive medical evaluations
before being refused entrance into the country.

“I was never so humiliated in my
life!” reported Heather Platter of Plano TX, a newlywed arriving in Acapulco
for her honeymoon. “This was supposed to be my dream wedding. We spent
thousands booking this resort!”

Similar fates were met by other
Texans hoping to enter the country. A group of senior citizens from the First
Baptist Church of Dallas appeared visibly rattled after receiving extensive
medical examinations by Mexican health officials upon their arrival at Cancún International Airport earlier today.

“I realize these are
drastic measures,” reported Nieto. “But since Governor Perry refused to
participate in President Obama’s Affordable Care Act, he left millions of
Texans with no access to health care. With the rate of Ebola having increased
by 100 percent in the recent weeks, I had to take all measures possible to
protect our citizens from Texans who might pose a threat to our nation’s health
and safety.”

Monday, January 21, 2013

The Faith Tones Saga Continues

A few months ago, I wrote an extensive piece about The Faith
Tones, a female gospel trio who recorded an album in 1964 titled “Jesus Use Me.”
Their album cover depicting the three of them in their 1960s hair styles seems
to be all the rage across the internet.

When I was able to confirm that they’re for real and that
they really did release this album in 1964, I decided to put my creative
writing skills to use. I wrote some pretty extensive bios about each of the
members including making up their names.

The thing was, my entry was a work of
creative writing; 95% of it was fiction. So many sites had made some pretty wild claims about them, so I decided to write a satirical piece but keep it "just" believable enough that people might buy in to it. For example, I identified one of them
as Marie Samuels. But any Hitchcock fan would recognize that name as the alias the
main character used in the movie, Psycho, when she checked into the Bates
Motel.

My blog entry quickly became Number One on Google. I was surprised

A couple of months later, a Wikipedia article appeared and
the information from my blog entry was used as fact. (A link to my blog was
provided). And no, I did not make the Wikipedia entry. As
a matter of fact, I’ve tried contacting the person who made that entry but have
yet figured out how to do it.

That’s a perfect illustration of why you can’t believe
everything you read on Wikipedia. Or on the Internet for that matter.

So, I’m here to set the record straight. Last week, I
noticed that a mint condition LP of the infamous Faith Tones album was up for
auction on eBay. This album is exceedingly rare – the last
one available was over two years ago.

I read all about how to “snipe” on eBay and watched the
auction carefully. Finally, with ten seconds to go, I leaped out of the bushes
like a puma and entered my offer.

I won.

The mint condition album arrived in the mail yesterday. The
reverse cover contained some bio information on each of the women including their names.

From left to right:

Marilyn Seidler -- a licensed cosmetologist

Becky Seidler – has a degree in Business

Rosalie Wolff – an Education major at the University of
Montana.

Daniel H. Squire - recording engineer
Bud Tutmarc - Producer.

A friend of mine has a turntable that will convert each
track into MP3 recordings. That will be my project for the weekend as well as
posting the recordings to YouTube.

So, yes, my fascination with The Faith Tones is real. I
would love to know more about these women and their life journeys, for I’m sure
we can all relate to them in some way.

So, I've come clean about the piece I wrote, but my blog entry remains at the top of Google and the Wikipedia article remains unchanged. Later, I’ll have the joy of making their music available for us all to
enjoy.

Tuesday, December 04, 2012

Books

When I was in graduate school studying theology back in the
1990s, I wrote a number of papers on the spirituality of St. Thérèse of Lisieux. This was back in the day
when we actually had to go to these things called “libraries” and borrow items called
“books” and research them for useful information.

I imagine graduate
students these days probably tweet theological treatises, download it, and
boom, there’s their term paper.

Anyway, one of the
most inspiring books I came across about St. Thérèse was titled, The Hidden
Face by Ida Görres.
It had been translated from German many years ago and only a small number of
copies were published in English. It was beautifully written, told the real
story of this saintly nun (not the usual saccharin-laced stuff mostly written
about her) but it was still a very inspiring work.

It had long been out
of print when I tried to obtain a copy about ten years ago. There were some
copies out there in rare book stores selling for two or three hundred dollars;
a sum I didn’t want to shell out, St. Thérèse notwithstanding.

Finally, I found a
copy advertised online selling for about thirty bucks from a tiny book shop in rural Maine. I called the shop and the owner told me that someone
else had called to buy it; however they hadn’t followed through with the cash.
Would I give them another 24 hours? If they hadn’t come through, it would be mine.

She called me the
next day to give me the good news. I finally got my hands on this rare treasure
of a book.

The thing is, the
owner of this book shop, Wendy, and I became friends through this transaction. I had
sent her a nice thank-you note, she wrote back, and we became pen-pals. It was all
very much like the movie, 84 Charing Cross Road, starring Anne Bancroft and
Anthony Hopkins back in 1987.

That was ten years
ago. I still have my lovely book, and Wendy and I have enjoyed our
Ann-Bancroft-Anthony-Hopkins relationship for many years. (I sent her a DVD of
that movie and we had a really good laugh over that.)

Anyway, I was searching
on Amazon last year and noticed that this book had been re-published and was
now available in paperback. (You can order it here). I sent a copy to my niece as a gift.

Here’s the really
strange part. While riding the bus to work yesterday, I noticed that this book
is now available in a Kindle version. Within a few seconds, I was reading it on
my smart phone while riding the bus to work.

That’s how much
technology has advanced in just ten years.

But at what cost?

No longer can we
thoughtfully buy a book as a gift, wrap it, and ship it to someone special.

And longtime
friendships that serendipitously occur between a bookshop owner in Maine and a
guy in Chicago will never be caused by Kindle.

Unable to compete
with Amazon, Wendy sold her quaint little bookshop and moved to Boston several years ago.