THE LIBERTARIAN ENTERPRISE
Number 355, February 19, 2006Farewell, Wendy, we will miss you!

Unlike You, I Have Nothing Smart To Say About Those Anti-Muslim Cartoons In That Danish Newspaperby Jonathan David Morrisjdm@readjdm.com

Special to TLE

You know, I'm not going to lie to you. Sometimes I'm
too open-minded for my own good.

I've been sitting here for the last couple of hours,
trying to get started on this week's article. The
topic I've been planning to write about is the recent
spate of Muslim riots, which have occurred in response
to a couple of derogatory cartoons from a Danish
newspaper. I like this topic. I think it's important.
But as I sit here, collecting my thoughts, I keep
stumbling over which side of the conflict to side
with.

Officially, I side with the Danish newspaper. No
question about it. I'm all for the freedom of speech.
If you own a paper and want to print a cartoon
depicting the Prophet Mohammed with a bomb for a
turban, I say do it. Not because it's a good ideait
probably isn'tbut because a free press isn't
really free once it bends to someone's religious
dogma. At that point, it's basically just an organ for
that religion. And this is bad news in a free society,
because many religions don't like organs.

On the other hand, there's a certain rule of common
sense that seems to have been violated here.
Personally, I found the cartoons amusing. And even
more so, I'm amused by the idea that any reasonable
Muslim would try to hold non-Muslim papers in
non-Muslim countries to the Muslim moratorium against
depicting the Prophet Mohammed. However, I'm a
nonconfrontational person, and any editor with a brain
could've guessed these cartoons would cause mass
confrontations. Not that that excuses the people who
are now burning flags and tearing apart whole
international embassies. But still. If you set out to
offend somebody, you shouldn't act surprised when you
succeed in offending them. That seems a little
shortsighted to me. The bottom line is, Muslims have
every reason to see these cartoons as a sign of
disrespect.

So I'm not entirely sure what kind of stand to take on
this issue. Obviously, I side with the Danish
newspaper. I'm just not sure what to make of that. By
siding with them, I don't really solve anything. I
don't ease the animosity betwixt East and West in any
real or measurable way. And if that's the case, then
this column is pointless (though there's a pretty good
chance it was pointless anyhow). Yet I can't just
delete this whole thing and try to write about
something else this week, because let's face it:
Everyone in the world is commenting on this issue. And
what kind of weekly op-ed columnist would I be if I
failed to comment on it, too?

So rather than continue to sit back and blather
incoherently, I'm going to do two things: (1) I'm
going to start three paragraphs in a row with the word
"So;" and (2) I'm going to do everyone a favor and do
what I always do when I'm paralyzed by my own
objectivity. After a lengthy introduction, I'm going
to abandon any hope of writing an actual column and
lapse instead into out-and-out satire. What follows
below is a list of suggested solutions for fixing the
Danish-Muslim dilemma. None of these solutions should
be taken seriously. In fact, each of them is
remarkably dangerous. However, each would undoubtedly
make the problem go away, which, at this point, is the
only thing any of us really ought to care about.

So here goes. (And dear God, forgive meI know not
what I do.)

Solution No. 1: Re-Release Mel Gibson's
The Passion of the Christ

One of the best things to happen to Muslims over the
last few years was the release of Gibson's seminal
Christ movie, which, for a time, shifted focus away
from the persecution of Muslims and onto the
persecution of Jews. Clearly, a re-release of this
film would go a long way towards easing current
Danish-Muslim tensions. The only problem with this
solution, however, is that Gibson already re-released
The Passion once and, when he did, he took out half
of the good (i.e., bloody) parts. At this rate, if he
re-re-released it, it would probably only be five
minutes long. However, if we tacked on an episode of
NBC's The Book of Daniel, it would probably buy us
another 45 minutes. That should be long enough to keep
folks preoccupied while we come up with a better
solution. So I say do it.

Solution No. 2: The Ann Coulter "Convert 'Em All"
Solution

The problem here is that Muslims and non-Muslims can't
see things through one another's eyes, right? So how
about this: While the world is asleep, forcibly
convert all the Muslims to non-Muslim and non-Muslims
to Muslim. When they wake up, non-Muslims will stop
printing anti-Muslim cartoons because they'll be
former Muslims and won't want to make themselves angry
anymore. And Muslims, meanwhile, will stop caring
about those cartoons because they'll realize, as
former non-Muslims, they're the ones who printed them.
So getting angry would only be like a form of
repression.

Solution No. 3: The Nuclear Option

Just wipe the entire eastern hemisphere off the
planet. Why not? We have the weapons to do it. Isn't
that what they're there for? Of course, on the
surface, this solution sounds terrible. However, it
would work for two reasons. One, because it would,
indeed, end the Danish-Muslim conflict. In fact, it
would end the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, and it
would solve the whole Iranian nuclear weapon crisis,
to boot. Two, this option would work because it would
leave us in a world comprised only of America, South
America, and Canada. As an American, I am relatively
sure we would dominate such a geopolitical landscape.
Which would be great, because then we wouldn't feel
threatened anymore, and airports would no longer make
me take off my shoes.

Solution No. 4: The Rhythmic Method

By abstaining from sexual intercourse during the
fertile period of a woman's menstrual cycle, unrest
between Danes and Muslims can be safely avoided
without the use of contraceptives.

And, finally, Solution No. 5: A Very Special Episode

In the 1980s, all of the world's major problemssuch
as homelessness in America and teen drug use in
Americawere solved by "very special episodes" of
popular primetime sitcoms. I propose that such a
solution be applied to the cartoon controversy. Here's
how it will all go down: On a very special episode of
Special Report w/Brit Hume, the Danish press and a
mob of angry Muslims will accidentally become
handcuffed together. This will make them angry at
first, but then everything will be turned upside down
when they get stuck on an elevator together, with a
bomb on it. Bruce Willis will guest star as "Third Man
on the Elevator," who knows how to defuse the bomb,
but who's too high and too pregnant to do it. The
Danes and the Muslims will then have to work together
to deliver the baby and defuse the bomb, while ironing
out their differences. Everyone will learn a valuable
lesson on tolerance and drug abuse, and the phrase, "I
don't like you. You don't like me. We don't have to
like each other, but we do have to work together,"
will be used. Former First Lady Nancy Reagan will also
appear.

Jonathan David Morris writes a weekly column on
politics, personal freedoms, and pop culture issues.
He can be reached at jdm@readjdm.com.