Recorded just this past winter. I finally have the nerve to share. Despite the subject matter of the lyrics here, I’m doing okay. Beginning the second week as a “Coding Specialist”…lol I have to get used to that title being one I can now claim. If I get the hang of my duties, I’ll be able to work half day on Fridays, leaving time to record new music. So glad of it…

This one was fun to arrange. It may not sound as if I’m playing very fast, but it’s a faster pace than I normally work with…lol So glad I have a digital keyboard too, for practicing in the evening with my headphones. Really gets me away from it all.

This painting is small and was all for the moment. I felt a sense of betrayal over something that happened and needed very much to see red. Luckily it was paint and not my own blood this time around.

I’ve written out all the thoughts that came up during my two full days of breakdown following the news of my therapist’s retirement. The problem with my job is the time I’m left to ruminate. I can bring myself so easily to tears, and those particular days were brutal. Not 30 minutes passed without weepy eyes and a feeling inside as if something had crawled into a hole and died. Genuine grief I didn’t think I was capable of feeling anymore.

I have some questions for him next week, along with some apologies to make. Since I’ve never terminated with a therapist before like this, I’m sure more tears are in store and hopefully I can express all I need to and fix a way somehow to move forward without him to turn to any longer.

And for a little song…The beginning of a poem I wrote years back, put to a melody to pass the free time some weeks ago.Too Late

It was never best that I cover up
But I fear letting you know
And the life after if I ever let it show
That I’ve never been together

Still, your eyes come to see
And I whisper to you ‘Don’t look down.’
Approach no further – walk back out
Just one more moment and I’ll reset
I’ll be all better soon

This painting is small. Reminds me of a strange music note, but I have no title idea so ‘strange music note’ may just stick.

Below is a poem/song I wrote touching on a personal matter I rarely acknowledge that has a place in old, very deep fears. This in particular is about memories in childhood and how I thought my art was and is perceived by my mother and other close relations. How my only worth seemed to come from colors I put to paper. Nothing much else ever really being noticed.Her Artist

Another picture, for you.
Such a pretty picture,
I knew you would say.
Hasn’t it always been this way?
By these simple painted shades
There is still your smile I can save.

And it’s okay with me
If the heavy lines of drawn eyes are
The only ones to make you see my own
With their pain.
You will understand this all someday.
In your own time, in your own way.

When I leave, you will know
I tried my best.
And the pictures I leave behind
Will save you, dear mother
Once again.

—

And the devastating news I got this week: my therapist of nearly 5 years will be retiring in April. Great news for him and I tried my best to smile and said my congratulations, but really I felt an awful hurt swell within. He told me this news right before I was set to hand over a small gift. A cd of a few songs linked back to discussions in my therapy sessions over the years, and one new song dedicated specifically to him about my gratitude. So not only was I sinking fast over the fact I’ll be out on my own again and have to start with someone else, I felt foolish and ashamed I did not see it coming sooner. The past two days have been spent with teary eyes and a lifeless feeling inside.

The only thing I’m appreciative about knowing what I know now is that I will be able to say goodbye…He’s helped me further along than anyone else and I wouldn’t change anything at all if it were my choice. I will miss very having such a safe person and place to turn to.