Why I’m not watching tonight’s State of the Union Address

I don’t think I’ve missed a State of the Union address in twenty years. But quite frankly, my time is more valuable than another Donald Trump performance. I know what’s going to happen anyway—and you probably do too:

1) Trump will pretend to be sane for the hour or so he speaks.

2) The media will fawn over Trump for being “presidential.”

3) Trump will declare the state of the union fabulous, because money is the only thing that matters to him. That the poor, the middle class, minorities, the environment, international relations, health care, and the long-term viability of our planet are all in worse shape under his incompetent leadership are of no concern to him.

4) Republican politicians will declare the state of the union fabulous, because money is the only thing that matters to them. That the poor, the middle class, minorities, the environment, international relations, health care, and the long-term viability of our planet are all in worse shape under Trump’s incompetent leadership are of no concern to them.

5) Evangelical Christians will rave about Saint Grabby Hands, because money and power are the only things that matter to them. That the poor, the middle class, minorities, the environment, international relations, health care, and the long-term viability of our planet are all in worse shape under Trump’s incompetent leadership are of no concern to them. After all, Jesus Christ himself colluded with the Russians to make sure their man became president.

6) The following day Trump will say or tweet something insane, and the media will—once again—realize that President Unstable Shithole will never change . . . until they fall for it again a year from now.

There! Now that we know what’s going to happen, we can all skip the State of the Union address. Let’s make it the lowest-rated presidential address of all-time! Hmm . . . what are we all going to do with that gift of an extra hour or so? Well, whatever you do, remember that it will undoubtedly be more satisfying if you top it off with red wine and chocolate.