Poppy - I will say that the difference between my son's teacher and your relatives is that...she's his teacher! If she wants me to be consistant with her methods, she needs only ask. Remember, this is the woman who, when asked, "How was the rest of his day after the hard drop off?" answered, "We'll talk about it next week." If I'm undermining, then she needs to communicate better. And perhaps not wait a week to implement her ideas.

Let's be clear - I totally appreciate her efforts, but how on Earth am I supposed to know that I'm not allowed to pick up my son, whose tiny face is blotchy red and streaked with tears after a 30 minute battle with the "take a break" chair? I was totally on board with not going in and disrupting her during this whole fiasco, but I almost started to cry myself, because I was going to have to break a promise to him that I'd be there for library time.

And I must have miscommunicated to everyone my story about asking him if he took a break during the day. I certainly wasn't quizzing him about being good or bad. As a matter of fact, the first time we had the conversation, he was the one who said, "I had a good day, and I didn't take a break." Anyway - I'll be sure not to ask. Again - no one wants him to succeed more than I do. And I do think these people are "early learning experts". I know I certainly am not. I guess I just perferred his teacher from last year - she made me feel more like part of the team - not some no-nothing mother who is doing and saying the wrong thing. I'm pretty tough - I'll get over it. And I'm sure over the next 13 years I'll run into more good and bad teachers.

I'm getting all paranoid about parent-teacher conferences this week. Those 120 teenagers I teach sometimes need to be reminded to keep their feet on the floor once in a while. I'm aggressive-aggressive about my standards, though ;)

Lissa-I'm sure those kids appreciate they know where they stand with you! Though I wonder at what point parent's go from "tell me how to work with my child to meet goals" to "My precious child does no wrong!"

Misslily - of course, it's definitely not an effective way to communicate. Just trying to think of reasons why she might act this way!

I used to be a teacher and also would get very nervous before parent-teacher conferences (and I also used to run IEP meetings). I always ultimately fell back on the notion that I was on the kid and parent's side. That always seemed to help me get grounded.

I do wish teachers would have the attitude that they are on the parents' and child's side, vs. being 'against' the parents. Truly, all parents want what's best for their child. Honestly, if you pick him up to hug him again, (and I would) and she says something, I'd say "while i certainly agree that his feet need to be on the floor when walking and working, a hug from his mother won't hurt or undo all the rules!"

30 minutes battling with the take a break chair? really? is that typical? Because taking a break needs to be something to help him get in control, not another fight. It might have been because he knew you were coming and had a harder time with the technique, but if that's a typical length of time, then, hmmmm.

I do like the other techniques that honor his activity and his need to learn self-control, which is something all children are working on in the preschool years. At least it sounds like your kids' preschool isn't overly academic, so hurrah! Time NOW to learn social skills and develop gross and fine motor skills, to learn to wait a little bit, to sit with other children and listen to others, give and take of conversation, love to be read to, love to read, be excited to decode the squiggles on the page into words and then to read..... time LATER to learn how to read, do math, and more once they have this strong foundation. Kindergartens and 1st grades have become so academic, and this has tended to ooze down into the preschools.

PEOPLE, children do NOT need to know how to read entering Kindergarten! That's not developmentally appropriate for so many. Yes, of course some can read at that age, just as some children talked at 10 months, 18 months, and at 2 years old. And by the time they are all 3 yrs old they've all caught up, haven't they? (for typically developing children).

I think it's basically the technique that Supernanny used to use with time outs. They like to say that it's "take a break" to settle the body and mind, but I know it's simply the follow through for not following the directions 3x in a row. And I agree that she has to follow through or it is meaningless. I don't think that 20-30 minutes is typical for DS. It just escalated that day because when he refused to sit (and he only has to sit for one minute) he kept missing the next thing which would set him off all over again. I do think he learned his lesson. He's been much better since.

And at our school we learn through play. My kids do know their letters and they can count to 20 - but it's all intrgrated into fun things. They have letter of the week where they bring something from home that begins with that letter and the other kids guess what it is. They did "math" the other day by hunting for pairs of things (socks, shoes, mittens etc.). They have partners time where they buddy up and have to choose an activity together. They have story time and music and guest readers and library. they go outside 2x a day or do yoga when it's bad weather. They get to use these huge "smart boards" for matching games or choosing a center for an activity. They get to play games (mostly matching and other learning games) on an ipad as a treat. They draw and color and paint and do playdoh and blocks and puzzles. Everyone has a job everyday like recycling helper or line leader of book collector. It's a great school - my kids also see an SLP and OT and PT specialists as needed.

Anyway - I do love it and I think it's really a good school. Part of my problem is that it can be really hard having twins with a physical disability. Twins are hard, hearing loss is hard - having both can be really hard. Add in DS's difficulty with consistant behavior and it's downright exhausting. The other day my DD was crying in the back of the car - she was telling me she didn't like having to wear hearing aids. (who would?) Lord it was hard trying to stay positive for her - it takes a lot of emotional energy. So the result is I get a little fragile. I just need to toughen up a bit.

MissLily, I think we all have days where we're like "F this" and want to curl up and forget about it for awhile. I can't speak to your specific challenges, but it is exhausting to always be "on" with your kids, especially when there's behavior stuff going on that you know is out of your control. I think you might be being a little hard on yourself. But aren't we all, in some ways?

I worry a lot about the unnecessary strain I'm putting on DS by going through IVF with him at such an observant age. When we started, he was still two and a half. Now he's four and he's so much more aware. My husband had health challenges this year (including an ambulance at the house) and IVF has been incredibly difficult for me (not just the awful hormonal mood swings, but physically tough on me). When DS has a tough day at school after his dad's sick or I'm out of commission, I usually find that he's told his teacher at some point that one of us wasn't well. So I know what's going on with us is impacting the way he behaves at school. And that makes me feel guilty and I end up smothering him a little bit.

He told me the other day, after I'd had a rough round of hormone issues and strep throat, that I was always sick. I had just missed his swimming lesson where he'd jumped in the pool by himself for the first time and he was mad that I missed it.

I try to find things to do with him that are just him and me time. DH went off to a casino with friends last week, so DS and I had date night - even though I felt like death on a stick from the strep. But he was so excited for it and told everyone at school that we were going to watch movies and order pizza and have special ice cream - how could I let him down?

He's having a tough week at school this week - every day his teachers have reported something (including but not limited to kicking a bookcase so hard he broke it, sticking his tongue out at a teacher, and walloping another kid with a book because he wanted space). And it coincides with the fact I had an egg retrieval on Saturday and spent most of the day in bed.

Thank God for shrinks or I'd drown in the guilt sometimes. I might need to toughen up too, but I also know no one is harder on me than I am.

Does anyone else's LO's start to melt down a few weeks before their birthdays? DS who is just super awesome, has just stopped being able to listen...and he's totally obsessed with his birthday (which I totally get!), but I'm wondering if the two are related. Then again, I just wish the kid would learn that his mother is more stubborn then he is and I can hold my ground longer. :P Serious power struggles going on with him. no fun!

Did everyone enjoy the Thanksgiving weekend? Things didn't go as planned in our house due to a stomach bug, but it turned out to be the best! We stayed home on Thanksgiving, watched the parade, ate roasted chicken, I had actually brought sides to bring and pies, so we had our own mini Thanksgiving in our house. then we watched two movies as a family-a rare moment for us all to be able to sit down together and just watch a movie. Such a great time. Makes me not want to leave the house for Thanksgiving again!

As for the stubborness of DS I think the extended weekend helped him, lots of time at home to hang out and play. when he did put up a fight about something I just switched to super goofy mode and that seem to break the cycle. I also talked to him about listening better to show his sister how to listen and teach her how to do things. He really likes to be a guide to her so he eats this up. Just have to keep telling myself he is still little. Ha, I'll probably be saying that when he's 15!

KAM - sorry to hear about the stomach bug, blech. Hope you are all doing better. It does sound nice to have a quiet thanksgiving! We hosted our families (just a smallish group of 12). It was ok but kind of boring.

Can anyone recommend a place for gymnastics and/or dance in the Tewksbury/Andover/Reading/North Andover area? I want to sign my 3 year old up.

KAM, sorry to hear about the stomach bug, but sounds like you guys really made the best of it!

Poppy, people seem to really like the Little Gym in Woburn, although that's not really one of the towns you listed. Might also check the Y? Sorry... I am no help. I want a class for DD on Wednesday mornings but I'm coming up empty myself.

Our Thanksgiving was good - DD carried herself very well throughout all the festivities. And, of course, then had meltdowns later to let out all that emotional energy. Ah, well. Although I'm dreading December a little bit... I have said yes to WAY too many plans.

Anyone have advice for dealing with older kids, like 10-13 years? DD needs her space and time to warm up, and she was doing an amazing job of doing everything we have been working on - not crying, not getting upset, just using words. She would say, "I need some more space." "Please put me down." "No, I don't want to hug right now." I was really proud of her. HOWEVER, the older kids were not listening to her at all. They were acting like she was a pre-verbal baby and they could do whatever they wanted. It was really bad, but at the same time they are just kids and they are good kids and I love them. I don't want them to be hurt, but I also can't just let them run roughshod over DD when she's telling them in plain language what she needs.

Poppy I know Stoneham wasn't on your list, but it's right next to Reading. There is Let's Dance on Montvale Ave and I think I read that the name is changing to THE DELLA RUSSO DANCE COMPANY. THey have dance and gymnastics.

Medord as a mom of a 13-year old who likes to play with little ones it might be best if you tell them directly that she needs some time to warm up and want to play/hanmg out. Kids at that age barely listen to their parents so I can understand them not listening to a 3-year old.