The Top Five Most Fascinating Things About Jersey Shore – Week Four

We’re back, and it’s time to get fucking gully and talk about yet another episode of Jersey Shore! While there were no potential incestual – excuse me, consanguinamorous relationships brewing this episode, that doesn’t mean there wasn’t some fascinating debauchery and ridiculousness going down, just like weeks two and three.

No. 5 – Lesbehonest, shall we? Last week we saw Deena drag one of the twins (Erica we think?) off of Vinny and back to her own bed. But this week we found out that before sending the remarkably agreeable girl back to Vinny, Deena allegedly received some oral sex, to which we say, “Good on you, Deena.” We were so delighted by Deena getting what she wanted and sending the girl away, that it was distressing to see the (probably jealous) guys in the house make fun of her for it. That said, “Lesbehonest” is a 100% hilarious thing to say to a person.

No. 4 – The Situation’s Complex Sexual Politics Seriously though, we were a little concerned that the guys in the house were going to judge Deena for her, ahem, “lesbionic” experiences. Turns out, however, that the Situation is very, very progressive when it comes to bisexuals, but just so happens to take a very stern stance on robberies and the cockblocking that so often comes as a result, which, honestly, actually seems kind of reasonable to us right this second (if a bit hypocritical coming from Mike). We also think it’s worth noting that according to Pauly D., “Every girl [he knows] hooks up with girls!”

No. 3 – The Courting Ritual of the Jersey Shore Gorilla At one point in the episode, the consistently hilarious Paul D. points out Ronnie as what happens when you do steroids. Apparently, the muscle-enhancing drug leads one to woo their mate by buying a rolling suitcase full of tacky dresses, cheap accessories and knock-off purses off the street. Not one to be outdone by his lady Sam’s finery, however, Ronnie made sure to pull on his finest grey t-shirt for dinner that night.

No. 2 – Boy Toys In between terrorizing a poor waiter at dinner, JWOWW and Snooki talked about missing their boyfriends, Roger and Jionni, respectively. In response to Snooki saying how much she misses sex, JWOWW suggested she gets a dildo replica of Jionni’s dong, and mused about possibly getting a vibrator made of Roger’s. They acted like they were joking about subsequently comparing the two, but truthfully, Roger’s kind of a huge guy, and Jionni has a name that sounds like it might possibly be kind of Italian, so it could actually be a pretty good match-up as far as penis-measuring contests go.

No. 1 – Where DOES the Pussy Go? Finally, we’ll end with the absolute best quote of the season thus far, courtesy of the weight-loss pill hawking Ronnie: “I don’t put pussy on a pedestal – I put it on the couch or the floor, where I smash it.” If the “smash” is taken literally, this is kind of terrifying due to the violence it implies. However, if it’s used in the sense of “make quick, mechanical, disinterested love to,” it’s merely hilarious, mostly because Ronnie doesn’t have sex in a bed, and he totally knows that other people use those couches.

Did we miss anything? If so, then slow your roll and let us know about it in the comments. Then watch Jersey Shore on MTV this Sunday before the VMAs (they still exist!), and again next Thursday at 10pm. Unless we’re still in the hospital from Ronnie punching us in the head, we’ll be back here on Friday for another Top Five!

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I'm a freelance writer specializing in the obsessions of 14-year-old boys: Comic books, professional wrestling, television and sex. Keep up to date with my most recent nonsense by following me on Twitter at @aubreysitterson.