Start the day smiling with these FUCKS of Life: LOVE is like being devirginized – it hurts but you still want to go on with it.. FATE is like being raped- if you can’t fight it, enjoy it.. WORK is like a gang rape – ten people are behind your ass to take your place.. EDUCATION is like hiring a prostitute – You offer money plus hard work to achieve your goal.. SUCCESS is like masturbation – only your own hand can let you achieve it.

A new business was opening and one of its friends sent flowers for the occasion. It arrived at the new site and the card read "Rest In Peace." The business owner angrily called the florist to complain of the obvious mistake. The florist said, "I’m sorry but rather than get angry, you should imagine that somewhere there’s a funeral taking place, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location!’"

QUESTION: What do you do if your Kotex is on fire? ANSWER: You tampon it!

HIGH TECH GENERATION… A 21st century kid to another: "I never want to have kids because they take nine months to download!"

3 boys were bragging on their fathers. 1st boy said his father scribbles a few words on a paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $100 for it. 2nd boy said his father scribbles a few words on a paper and calls it a song, and he gets $300 for it. 3rd boy says, "I beat both of you. My dad scribbles a few words on a paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes 8 people to collect all the money!"

ABU SAYAF COMMANDER-: "Men, take no prisoners. Let’s kill all the men and rape all the women. This time let’s do it right, not the other way around like the last time!!"

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A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, ‘I wish I had bigger tits’. The boyfriend says ‘well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months’. ‘How will that help to make my tits bigger?‘ asks the girlfriend. ‘Well it worked for your ass’ says the boyfriend.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blowjob?’ … and she’s always sound asleep."

A Woman’s Prayer: I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man. Love, To forgive him and; Patience, For his moods. Because if I pray for Strength I’ll just beat him to death.

SON: "Dad, what is an idiot?" DAD: "An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can’t understand him. Do you understand me?" SON: "No."

Teacher asks student: "What is the half of 8?" STUDENT: "Miss horizontally or vertically?" TEACHER: "What do mean?" STUDENT: "Horizontally it is 0 and vertically it is 3."

A couple driving home hit and wounded a skunk on the road. The wife gets out and brings it back to the car. ‘We need to take it to a vet. Its shivering, it must be cold, what should I do ?’ she asks. Husband replies ‘Put it between your legs to keep it warm’. ‘But it stinks !’ she exclaims. ‘So hold its nose !’

An old lady and an old man are sitting in their retirement home. The man turns to the woman and says, “I bet you can’t tell me how old I am.” She says, “Ok.” She then unzips his fly, feels around for a while and finally says, “You’re seventy-three.” “That’s amazing!” the man exclaims. “How did you know?” She replies, “You told me yesterday.”

A tired doctor is awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. “Please, you have to come right away,”pleads a distraught young mother. “My child has swallowed a contraceptive.” The physician dresses quickly, but before he can get out the door, the phone rings again. “You don’t have to come over after all,” the woman says with a sigh of relief. “My husband just found another one.”

A mom was potty training her 4 year old son. She said, “I’ll teach you some steps.” Step 1: Unzip. Step 2: Drop pants. Step 3: Pull penis out. Step 4: Pee. Step 5: Pull penis back. Step 6: Pick up pants and zip. A few days later, the mom was walking by the bathroom and she heard someone repeatedly saying, “3..5..3..5..3..5..3..5..3..5…”

A man was throwing knives at his wife’s picture, and all were missing the target. Suddenly he received a call from his wife who asked him what he was doing. With a straight face, he replied… "JUST MISSING YOU!"

After experiencing the discomfort & embarrassment of a prostate test in the US, my friend decided to have his next test made in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are gentle & accommodating. As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed & the nurse began the examination. "At this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse. "I haven’t got an erection" said the man. "Not you, me" replied the nurse.