Cameron “We’ll protect the NHS until we’ve finished selling it”

Prime Minister David Cameron has promised Britain that if re-elected, a conservative government will protect the NHS until such time as they can sell off every last bit of it and make it like America.

Speaking on the final day of the Conservative Party conference Mr Cameron said “I am furious that labour think that I would privatise the NHS just because I’ve been in the process of privatising it since I came into power. But we have to make it fit for the future, until of course we don’t own any of it and then it’s not our problem any more and then it can do what it likes.

“I want people to be able to access a GP the moment they are ill. 7 days a week, 24 hours a day. Obviously we’re not going to fund that on the NHS so they’ll have to go private like normal people. I want to see a Britain where everyone can go private because they don’t have a choice. And they can then buy medical services off my chums.”

However, the Premier had comforting words for those concerned about the affordability of private healthcare.

“Don’t worry. You’ll all earn more because you’ll pay less tax. Unless you don’t earn enough to pay tax in the first place and then you’re proper up shit creek without a paddle. Of course we’re going to have to keep on making difficult decisions, even once we’ve cut the deficit, and we’re going to accompany each difficult decision with sinister church organ music and evil laughs.”

One delegate told us “There’s never been a better time to buy a hospital.”