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Building on the popularity of its children’s drink Juicy Juice, Nestlé announced plans earlier this week to unveil a new line of adult beverages called Bad Choicy Choice. Photo illustration by Bea Huff. The drinks, whose flavors include ‘Unprotected Sex,’ ‘Drunk Tattoo,’ and ‘Tackling An Off-Duty Police Officer In The Bar Parking Lot,’ will feature […] Read more

The United Nations denied several appeals made earlier this week to take an active stance on shark conservation. Similarly, demands to take a definitive stance on the several genocides taking place in central Africa were also ignored. A measure proposed by a UN conference on endangered species would have suggested nonbinding controls on the hunting […] Read more

Capitol Hill was in a furor earlier this week when news leaked that Scott Brown, the newly elected junior senator from Massachusetts, came out as bipartisan to his parents. “We never expected it,” said Brown’s conservative-minded mother, Judith. “There he was, campaigning on a platform of petty partisanship like a good congressional hopeful, and now […] Read more

Erwinia amylovora, a bacterial pest currently blighting your neighbor’s apple tree, experienced a painfully awkward morning-after with a perfect copy of itself. Though typically a smooth-swimming individual, Erwinia found itself thrown off-kilter by the unexplained presence of another identical self. “Well, I came to this morning and there was this new copy sitting right there,” […] Read more

Despite an expected multi-billion dollar loss, the United States government announced Monday its intent to recall nearly 10 million citizens who were foolish enough to purchase Toyota vehicles. Above: Just some of the 10 million consumers being recalled Photo illustration by Jordan Minnick. The announcement came after it was revealed in late January that there […] Read more

Nicolas Sarkozy, elected president of France in May 2007, is facing what may be the most difficult political hurdle in a long career. In light of the increased risk of extremist violence and wide association with the oppression of women, a parliamentary task force has issued a long-expected finding: ban the president in public places. […] Read more

In a controversial move following the much-publicized hacking of several Gmail accounts, Google has removed all censorship from its Chinese search engine. In a press conference, Google’s CEO Eric Schmidt stated, “We can no longer countenance the gross repression of information under the Chinese government. No one fucks with Google.” Support for Google’s move has […] Read more

Why would Susan Cole put herself though this? Why tolerate the hostility, anger, and the perverted questions? Above: Susan G. Cole Photo illustration by Courtesy Photo. What could possibly cause her to want to debate Ron Jeremy, the self-styled “most famous porn star in the world,” especially on the subject he has made his living […] Read more

All was tranquil in the White House press room on the evening of Nov. 6, 2009, until a single hand flipped on a light switch, illuminating the podium in the front of the room. A man stepped out into the spotlight and gazed fondly around at the emptiness in front of him. Joseph Biden, vice […] Read more

Joe Garden is currently the features editor of The Onion, a satirical weekly newspaper labeled by The New Yorker as “arguably the most popular humor periodical in world history.” Garden is also the voice behind two of The Onion’s most popular columnists, Jackie Harvey and Jim Anchower. Garden began reporting for The Onion in 1993. […] Read more