November 22, 2010

Peasants! Your Greatest Glory will have none of your grumbling! It’s like you don’t even realize that I was the one who made the sun and the moon and all the stars in the sky. Almost as if you do not enjoy your head being attached to your shoulders. Is that the case, citizen? Shall I send My impressively awesome secret pollice to change that situation for you?

The fact is, lowly grovellers who are not even fit to lick the bottoms of My fancy designer shoes, your Delightful Dish has been busy with matters of state. That’s right. Matters of state. You all seem to think that My only concern is your sad, sad little lives. This, obviously, is not the case. The amazing republic does not run itself. I must meet with a variety of subordinates and beat them senseless everyday to make sure that your rice is taxed in a way that brings Me maximum profits, so that I can keep enjoying My monthly vacations on the Cote d’Azur. Because I do enjoy those blue waters. And all that sun. And the food, citizens! Oh the food!

Do not think, however, that I have forgotten you. No, no. These are matters of state. These daily tasks that I am burdened with are what keep this society functioning as smoothly as it does. Without My worldly travels, foreign aid would cease. We would have no foolish foreign governments attempting to keep you poor souls alive, all the while not realizing that this “aid” only aids Me and My many underlings. Only underlings who have earned rewards through vigilant reporting on the suspicious activities of their friends and families, though.

So citizens, do not think that I do not love you and care so sincerely and deeply about your well-being when you do not see reports from Me on this page for months at a time. Know that your Crisp and Clean is always working on your behalf, toiling away to make the IRJ a better place with more guns and more income from illicit international trade.

Peons! The Dictator will allow you the great honour of being seen in the same webspace as Her Almighty Amazingness. Send your pathetic links and Her staff may post it here, making your life complete and leaving you no further reason to live.

But should you somehow manage to continue to live, your Shining Leader also accepts e-mail. Of course, She would never lower herself to reading it, but you can send it to Her here .