Doctor Who is a British cult TV documentary produced by the BBC and funded by the London Tourist Board. the presenter, referred to as "The Doctor," covers such diverse topics as history, physics, warfare, cookery and art, with an assistant who's usually a young, attractive, and promiscuous female.

There have been currently 287 episodes. There will be 73,429.6501 more. Here are some selected ones. For full episode listings, go Cry to Your Mom.

Contents

Kicking off with a new leading man, the Doctor regenerates into an even worse actor than the last time. The TARDIS materialises on the planet "Quarry", where he and his companions Sally June Symth and K-11 are captured by their arch-nemesies "The Silver Wet-Suitoids". With meancing bubble-wrapped claws and refined British accents, the RETARDIS crew are taken to the underground lair known as "Wobbly Set". Suddenly, the villians come up with the devestatingly brillant plan to let them all go, for no good reason. They then spend the next four episodes chasing each other up and down corridors.

The second series of Doctor Who kicked off with The Doctor, played by William Shatner, losing his left arm to a fatal genomic concatenation of leprosy and chlamydia, believed to be the work of his arch nemesis the Masterchef. Having to cope with just one arm, it was this episode that saw Shatner speak the immortal line: "Spork... Spork...". After spending the first three half-hour instalments of this four-parter diagnosing himself, then explaining at length how one can engineer an anti-retrovirus from gibbon saliva, The Doctor finally replaces his arm with a cybernetic torpedo fletching device, which leads nicely in to the following five episodes in which he single-handedly wins Britain every Olympicarm-wrestling medal in history.

A mysterious variant of Tourette's Syndrome strikes the Mars colony of Phobos, causing the inhabitants to become helpless Satan worshippers. Invoking such hideous abominations as floating skulls, flame-lobbing imps and large mechanical spiders, Mars becomes the writhing twin-town of Hell itself. Luckily The Doctor, played by Patrick Stewart, is an expert in the merciless slaughter of demonic filth as well as innocent bystanders. Featuring decapitations, eviscerations, Lagrange mechanics and the BFG 9000, this episode was banned in fifty-nine countries including the UK until November 2003 when it was accidentally included as part of a Teletubbies box-set.

Who could forget the amazing episode in which everyone loses their faces by watching TV. Well Mona Lisa, sort of wishes Davinci had never painted that TV in her frame...

In this episode, The Doctor, played by Tom Jones, uses the purchase of a new scarf from Harrods as a convenient excuse to explain Fourier Synthesis to the unsuspecting viewer. When his assistant recommends that they use the TARDIS to return to an earlier time and get the scarf cheaper by reverse-inflation, her suggestion is shunned with a detailed description of the EPR Paradox and its connections to StochasticHydrodynamics. Instead they travel to 11th century London and engage in a discourse on moral philosophy with Edward the Confessor. A brief alien invasion is thwarted by the cunning use of Oleum (with accompanying dialogue on the industrial process of Sulphuric Acid manufacture), and The Doctor wins the day by convincing Harald Hardraada that Odin was gay.

The Undertaker, in his fifth episode as the Doctor, administers an almighty smack down upon The Dialects by using a phenomenon akin to quantum entanglement to erase them from existence. (Unfortunately the number of complaints resulting from this theoretical physics-heavy episode caused the BBC to ban all mention of the word "clothesline" in the context of the 5-D Simple Harmonic Oscillator from future episodes. It is a credit to the dexterity of the writers that they have managed to keep to this somewhat draconian restriction without compromising the spirit of the programme.) Having foiled the foul plastic menace, The Doctor celebrates by resurrecting them from oblivion in order to gloat (thus allowing future writers to make use of them again - the costume department were doubtless grateful!). At the end of the completely ad-libbed hour-long sex scene with his assistant, played by Lucy Lawless, the Doctor is unexpectedly killed off by a fatal (and convenient) form of narcolepsy, only to regenerate in feline form.

The Doctor, played by Sylvester the Cat, starts the episode at the bottom of a giant biscuit barrel on an alien mother ship as a result of the previous episode, where he was lured there by his arch nemesis the Dialects by a nice bit of venison and a glass of chardonnay. The Doctor uses his banana phone to call upon his beautiful assistant, Babs (played by Kate Moss), and asks her to create a diversion by performing a heart-warming rendition of "935 bottles of beer". The Doctor then escapes his prison cell and defeats the Dialects by unplugging them from the mains, after a brief lecture on the benefits of solar power.

The Doctor, played by the recently deceased Christopher Reeve, travels to London in the year 1965 to meet famed philosopher Cleopatricia and discuss the impact of feminism upon the moleskin industry. This is interrupted by a mob of angry clothes shop dummies, which attack with laser beams. After a brief exploration of the principles of quantum optics (cunningly linked back to the laser issue) the Doctor elects to travel to the year 2005 and tour the city in an attempt to get as many landmarks within camera shot as possible. His latest assistant Nora is introduced, a precocious mathematician played by Billie Piper, who helps him to defeat the ghost of Gauss by integrating him over a non-Euclidian manifold.

The Doctor arrives on a planet where everyone is married. He is soon forced to marry his companion, Martha 'Mammoth' Jones. Can he stop everyone from arguing and having bad sex lives before he too succumbs?

The Doctor travels back to June 25th 2009, to a glorious mansion in Los Angeles, where he stumbles upon the dead Michael Jackson. The police believe he did it, so they go in search of The Doctor, but the other police units think they mean his personal doctor. Guest starring the corpse of Michael Jackson as himself.

The Doctor (83rd) crashes on the moon before it was formed. He then realizes his watch is wrong (not him). Suddenly, 666 daleks (1 of each type that ever existed and ever would exist) appeared. The Doctor remembers that he created 2084 paradoxes. He quickly recognizes the fact that he was wrong. He is never wrong. He notes that something else must be wrong. He blames his companion, but cannot explain why, so he takes out plan B (the backup plan for destroying the daleks before they could beat him to exterminating everything in the Universe - except humans in the Doctor's case - and for when he is wrong and about to die for the last time). The brand new title sequence with the music by a rabid, crack-head dog whistling the tune. He reads it at a normal pace, as he always does, making sure he actually read the words and knew what he thought he was doing. The Grim Reaper appears, but is EXTERMINATED!!! The death of Death causes every single dead person alive to just be asleep. This is the end of dead babies. Thus, the rise of Jelly Babies began (world domination, etc.). There is a loud "BOOM!" and the universe is either exploded or imploded (no one knows which yet) by the Doctor. Some nonexistent voice (sounds like Tom Baker) says "It is not the end. It is only the beginning of the end... Nope! Never mind! It is the end of the end. Sorry! Would you like a Jelly Baby?" This is the last recorded episode of Doctor Who (Last Updated: Last minute of the universe's existence). K-9 outlives (not really alive, but you know...) the end and keeps repeating "Affirmative, master!" for all eternity of the existence of every universe after that, in response to every question ever posed, like "Doctor who?" and "Huh?"