Wednesday, May 30, 2007

I have my own special brand of crazy, and I freely admit it, so this post might not make much sense to anyone who thinks I'm normal. (consider yourself warned if my insane logic frys your brain!)

I've painted my hallway. This in turn means I'm sorting my shit out.

Early last week, I was in a bad place. I really was. People who I love, who I loved and who I put so much of myself into helping, admitted that they had made mistakes with me, but that they had learned from them, and wouldnt make them with anyone else. WTF??? Who says things like this to other humans. Who sits there and acknowledges how much of yourself you gave to sort them out, but they had to fuck you up to get to where they need to be. Unfortunately, this is a reaccuring pattern with far too many people in my life. This is why I have made new friends this year, why I've started getting harder, become less forgiving, and started putting myself before my friends. Some people in my life did not deserve what I did to help them thru. If they had understood what I had done for them they would never have betrayed me like they have. Thats not all. I'm not often a nice person, but anyone who knows me knows that I will move heaven and earth to make things right for others. And I still will. I always will cos its the way I'm made. But there are a few differences here and there now.

Anyway, back to the painting thing, cos it is a huge issue. I moved in here 3 and 1/2 years ago. In all that time the only walls that have been painted are my bedroom ones. Which was a good thing and needed at the time. So in all this time, all this chaos that has happened within these four walls, all the tears and rows and anger, all the heartbreak and pain, and the place is still as it was when Phil and I moved in, happy, married and in love. So painting, a big thing. Add to that the fact that I have never painted a room, or a wall, all by myself, on my own, for me. I'm busy building my home. Making it mine. And in the process I am sorting my shit out. As my home is coming together so am I. I really want to be sorted out now. I have things I want to do, and I can't do them because I'm so busy feeling sorry for myself, being down on myself, and believing what others think of me. I'm trying to repair the damage thats been done to me, by myself and by others, cos my son deserves a mother who's in the best possible place, and everyone else derserves to see the pieces of me that I hide. The pieces of me that I don't trust people with cos I dont think they need to deal with my shit...cos if I'm dealing with theirs, they can damn well do the same for me.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

This post is really hard to write. But Paul definately deserves some inches on here.

Almost every time I've talked about working in the evening, I've spent that evening with Paul. I have been consistantly working at least one of my shifts with him for 18 months now. The night my mother came into work to tell me my grandfather had died, I was working with Paul. The evenings that I went in after having a row with Phil, Paul was there. Every night we worked together we would chat, I would make sure we were able to take a fag break together, because I do like to get to know my work mates.

In our shop we are a little strange. I dont know if anyone else has noticed, but we tend to operate like a family. The guys there know whats happening in my life, all the time. We bitch and fight amongst ourselves all the time, and back each other up whenever we can. Charlene and Shaun babysit for me. Graeme and I chat online, as well as by text and on the phone. We all pitch in if we can.

People never cease to amaze me. You don't realize the impact that people have on you, how they've touched your life, how they have helped you make choices, how they have been a sympathic ear, a shoulder to lean on, someone to bitch to, until they're gone. You dont realize just how important walking into somewhere and seeing the same person there becomes, until you know that they wont be there again. You truely never know what you've got til its gone.

Paul was one of the nicest people I have met. He was drunk a lot of the time and not very fast on the tills, but he also made time to say hello to every customer, and to ask every regular who came in how they were. He always took a 20 minute break, even thou he wasnt entitled to one, and it seems so petty that I would bitch about it. It wasnt until Graeme phoned tonight to tell me that I realized just how much I liked Paul, how much time I have spent with him, how many things I have shared with him. It's so very sad.

But you see, I've been blogging for a couple of years now, and for a year on this platform. I know I dont blog as often as some people would like, but even so, I don't know what I'd do without blogging as a way of releasing at least some of my stress!!!

I had intended to write something topical, or at the very least something intelligent, but then, upon seeing that I was about to write my 150th post, I decided not to, cos really, I'm intellectially challenged at the moment. Its not that I can't do, its that I can't be bothered to!!! I see no reason to start discussing things as if my opinion matters, cos in the grand scheme of things it really doesnt. I might have an earth shattering idea that could affect the fortunes of the masses, but in reality, would i recognise it if i did? And who would listen to me if I recognised it?? So this is a fluff piece, simply to celebrate that I have persisted in keeping a blog even if no-one reads it, or I have nothing to say (which happens far too often for someone who enjoys talking as much as me!).

Now I'm off to read a little, cross-stitch a little and have more coffee....the excitement is unbearable...truely it is!

Friday, May 18, 2007

Here comes the post I promised to make up for my lack of posting so far this year. I was horrified when I realized how little I've been posting...I used to post every day...what has happened to me?!?!?!?!?! I will add a disclamer right here at the start...I'm drinking Lambrini Pink Champange. I'm not usually a fan of the cheap wine, but theres something a little addictive about it, and its PINK!!!!!

So, we'll start with Saturday, as thats the first day that something even remotely exciting happened!!!! I WENT OUT!!!! Honest I did, I am not lying, and the proof can be found over at Graeme's blog (I can't be bothered to post pic's, I'm sorry). It was Rachel and Leighton's wedding, and the reception was beautiful. Rachel's dress was glorious and Leighton looked so happy he could have burst! I wish them all the best for the future. It was also fun to go out with the guys from work...we NEVER do anything together except whinge about work!!

Sunday I spent sleeping, cos I was a tad hungover, and the boy got up at 5:30 AM!!!!!!

Monday...I spent SHOPPING. I mean REALLY SHOPPING. I spent almost as much as I make in a month!!!! I bought CD's, books, toys for the boys, clothes for the boy, a new cat-o'-nine-tails (pic's to come of that!), Thortons chocolates and some other random stuff. I now have a healthy respect for the effectiveness of retail therapy...I felt SO very good after shopping for 5 HOURS.

Tuesday I had a driving lesson and drove to Southampton for the first time in 7 years. I didnt do too badly all things considered, and I have the most AWESOME driving instructor in the world...we stopped for a fag break!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday I built a chest. It was all pre-cut wood so I just had to put it together but even so, I was chuffed with it!! And now its sat in my room, under my window, full of my Wicca supplies and reference books. It also acts as an altar, which has made my month. Its so fulfilling to be able to worship at an altar designed specifically for that purpose, even more so as I constructed it myself. The connection I feel to the Deities has easily doubled, which is probably why I'm feeling so much better.

Yesterday I did town with Amy, which was fun, thou I was paying bills!!!!

Today I did NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thats about all my news for now. Tonight I have a night of wine, reading and Supernatural planned.

Oh, and I forgot to mention my new sheets. They may only be polyester satin, but beggers can't be choosers, and I have gold and black slippy-slide-y sheets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

This year has been the absolute worst for my internet connection and I. First I am disconnected by my phone company, then by my ISP. This time however was far more hassle and worry. I went to plug my MP3 player in to change my play list and the computer kept telling me that I was overloading my USB ports. WTF?? My MP3 player is ancient and has about as much juice as a snail covered in salt. It is in no way powerful enough to take on the lappy. Not in a fair fight at least! As I was panicking that I had broken the lappy and was doomed to have an empty MP3 player...I looked and saw...THE FRAYED ELECTRICAL LEAD ON MY MODEM. D'OH. Okay, so that's not what I actually said when I realized the possible outcomes of fire, electric shocks admistered to my son and so on! So my wonderful mother went out and grabbed me a modem to replace it while I was at work. Which I loved her for. That was until I set it up and realized that I had to phone my ISP and configure the damn thing.........and because I am essentially lazy, this took a couple of days. But I am online now, and have SO much to blog, but its also bed time...so I'll do it tomorrow...possibly with pictures!!!!!!!!