Is it tonight?

I'm So lost! I feel like tonight could be it. My family doesn't understand that I'm trying to be weaned off of these medications for my back. I just had another failed surgery in October. I'm worse now than I've ever been. I have two kids, and they have been the only people to keep me alive, and still are. But I'm fighting this battle now. The oldest asks me everyday when I'm going to be able to go bikeriding with him, or wrestle on the floor, and the youngest wants me to constantly help with puzzles, and things that require sitting. I have completely missed the last 2 years of their childhood becuase of my back and the damage the doctors have done to me. I'm only 26, and have been told that this will be a life full of pain because of the damage done. I'm on methadone, ativan, cymbalta, zonegran, and ultram, all on a daily basis. I feel like they are my way out. I tried once during Thanksgiving weekend, and it wasn't enough. My family doesn't understand, my mom is "sick and tired" of it, which completely baffles me because when she suffered from depression I was there for her. I haven't begged for attention from them, if anything, I've kept it to myself because I know my family doesn 't brought down. I'm at that point tonight, where I'm ready to go. I have several hundred thousand that would take care financially of my babies. I know it won't be the same as me being here, but when they keep asking when I'm going to be better on a weekly basis, and tell me they get make their own dinner so I don't have to get up in pain, it makes it even harder to deal with. I've even become a burden to them. At 8 years old, you shouldn't have to worry about taking care of your 4 year old little brother and your mom. That's what mom is there for, to take of you guys, and I can't!! I'm ready to go tonight. My fiance WAS there for me, but after the first scare, he pushed away, and tonight, he's out somewhere with a friend of us, and we were supposed to have a romantic night out together. He isn't their, my mom isn't there, my dad still can't understand and laughs about it, my sister thinks her problems are also worse and turns any conversation to her...I don't' know what else to do. Continue to live this life of 24/7 pain, or end it, and provide the financial security that my babies need. I love them so dearly, I can't imagine leaving them, but with these stupid meds, all I seem to do is yell and complain about them not cleaning up. I've been such a horrible person. Why can't I just be better? I feel like leaving this earth is the best option, and I pray to God, that he has mercy on this disease of depression...not many others seem to understand it. It's not a choice, it's a disease!

Having been an 8-year old boy, as well as a 4-year old, I can tell you, you are better off alive to them then dead. Its not like an adult losing a parent, they are children, they will develop different personalities, and be different people without you (for the worse).

What does this mean? You matter. You matter so much that their future depends on you surviving, especially during the crucial ages they are at. They care about you.

Drugs are good for short-term, I think you need something more long-term? Do you get out of your home much? Church, the grocery store, another person's house, or even just a walk around the block may help?

Have you had physical therapy? I do not know what it is like to experience chronic pain, but I do recall an injury to my arm that left me with constant pain for a month, and it came to a point where I just wanted to sit there and not resist the pain anymore. It makes you depressed. I do not know how limited you are so my suggestions may all be worthless.

have you suffered damage from your spinal disc's?? is it nerve damage? i understand you're in a lot of pain and i do apologise that you may not feel up to going into details but the more detail you can offer the more we're in a position to help in a "practical" way one of us may know of a treatment that could help that hasn't been explored

you're a credit to us all by hanging in there and a very courageous woman to do so you have my full respect and admiration for continuing on for your children if there was a medal i could give you i wouldn't hesitate as you deserve the recognition as well as for your pain to stop