That was a fun year: mega breaches, everybody rebranding as artificial intelligence, Russian hackers, and Symantec only bought three companies.

Oh and BLOCKCHAIN….because, blockchain.

If you thought 2017 was fun, wait for it. 2018 is going to be a hoot. Here are my unhinged predictions about 2018.

Election Hacktacular

If you thought the hacking of the 2016 election was entertaining and yielded jaw dropping results, oh you are going to love 2018. 2016 was just the warm up. Get ready for more election shenanigans. The bad guys scored some wins in the past few years. You bet they got a taste for that and want more.

Compliance as Code

Sick and tired of fiddling with controls until your PCI auditor nods approvingly? Yeah, we think that is irritating as well (and we are the ones doing the nodding.) This year will see emergence of compliance as code in the cloud. This is not so much a prediction as a peek into Anitian’s roadmap. We are actually building this right now with AWS.

AI Swarm

The malware of the future is not only smarter than you, it can reproduce faster. It also will steal your girlfriend and kick sand in your face. AI malware is here, and it is scary. This malware can read through your social media, gather intelligence on you, and then attack you, without any human involvement. This malware is cant be bargained with, it cant be reasoned with, it doesn’t feel pity or remorse or fear, and it absolutely will not stop…EVER, until you are breached…and fired.

GDPR Claims its First Kill

Speaking of things that do not show pity. The European Union will unleash GDPR on the world this year. If you think the EU is going to go light on the USA, just check Twitter. Not a lot of euro-love for the USA these days. I believe they will bury a big US company in GDPR fines as an example. And of course it will create a big kerfuffle.

Dell Throws a Tantrum

Dell finally realizes that security is, like, hard and stuff. The Giant Dell child will throw their security properties down on the ground and immediately grab some laptops to comfort themselves. Awww, XPS, you’re my precious.

Crypto Currency Collusion

Do you like cryptocurrencies? Do you like misery? Guess what, this year you get both! We already have ransomware and attacks designed to steal, harvest, or corrupt Bitcoin and the like. Plan for more misery in 2018. This is an area ripe for abuse, hacking, and disturbing tales of John McAfee’s perversions.

The Salaries are Too Damn High

Have you seen cybersecurity salaries lately? Whooooo. This is getting out of hand. People are demanding sky high pay for mere months of experience. And the implications of this: less headcount, more managed security. Sounds good to us.

Blockchain Convoy

I have no predictions here. I just want the SEO from mentioning blockchain. Because for some reason everybody is batshit insane obsessed with blockchain as the answer to everything from economic inequality to toe fungus. Whatever, let’s sing a song. Now sing along to the tune of Convoy:

We’re gunna have a Blockchain,Rockin’ through the night,Come on and join our blockchain,It will be out of sight,BLOCKCHAIN!

Your NGFW Sucks

You know that NGFW you covet as the cornerstone of your organizational security? Yeah, it is rapidly becoming a worthless box of wires. Equipment in racks is so 2008. If you really want to build a secure organization, stop sliding things into racks, and stick it in the cloud. In the cloud, nobody can hear your VAR scream for more margin.

Oh and it is way easier to secure the cloud than a rack full of stuff. But, you already knew that, right?

Symantec, Microsoft, Cisco…FIGHT

Now watch this…hey Symantec your Microsoft is showing. Heh…that will make them buy something stupid.

Watch what these three do this year. They all want to be relevant in a game that is increasingly irrelevant.

The Human Firewall is a Lie

And while we are on the topic of irrelevance, for some reason, cybersecurity professionals have started thinking they can change behaviors that have existed in humans for millennia with things like “security awareness” training or “anti-phishing” campaigns. Ha ha ha…yes, they are delusional. There is no “human firewall.” It is a lie all those “stable geniuses” make up to avoid the soul crushing reality that cybersecurity is…like, hard and stuff.

Look out for a blog on this topic from Anitian soon.

Conclusion

2017 was fun. Security is fun again. Perhaps because it is becoming a bit more absurd. The harder people try to tell you how “they got this” the less they “got that.”