Wednesday, March 26, 2014

I’m Married, But I Don’t Believe in “The One.”

I’ve never believed in “The One.”

Even as a Disney-obsessed kid, collecting every VHS cartoon I could find, I still didn’t believe in “The One.”

Even today, as I sit in my San Francisco apartment married to a man I convinced is my soul mate, I still don’t believe in “The One.”

I’m not a total cynic nor do I think that love always leads to heartbreak and that relationship is ultimately the death of sex and personal freedom and your own vitality.

I think that the notion of “The One” gets wrapped up in the erroneous belief that as soon as we find someone who loves us, all of our problems get solved and all our needs will always be met and we will never go hungry again.

Dude, if you put that much pressure on anyone, you are destined for disappointment and resentment.

Sometimes, “The One” isn’t just about a romantic relationship. How many times have we said, “If only I had that job/money/workshop/enlightenment/award/fill-in-the-blank-craving, then I would be happy.”

Stop looking for “The One” outside of yourself and recognize that YOU are the one you’ve been waiting for.

You also invite freedom, play and growth into your life. We often use “The One” to satisfy some personal insecurity that we aren’t worthy of love unless we have something outside of ourselves to reflect our lovability.

We also search for “The One” because we fear change and view it as a threat to our survival. We hope that “The One” will provide the stability we so desperately crave. Sorry kids, but that’s just not how life works. And thank goodness for that, for it is that static way of living which is the true culprit in the death of sex and personal freedom and your own vitality.

When you realize that “Happily Ever After” can often look like “What the fuck am I doing? Help me! I don’t know. Fuck it,” then you are more willing to accept every moment as an opportunity to enjoy the ride rather than check out of life on the hungry-ghost hunt.

So here’s a poem from my upcoming book dedicated to all the princesses who are slaying their own dragons, saving themselves and choosing to grow up into Warrior-Queens. When you live life as your own “One,” whole and complete, you walk into relationships not looking for Prince Charming, but for a mature man or woman ready to share an adventure yet-to-be written.

Fairy Tales

From your perspectiveIt must seem as easy asDrawing the sword from the stoneOr soaring on a magic carpetOr spinning straw into gold

But I know myselfPrincesses only stay pureThrough obstinate abstinence

So you’ll find me in the gutterCigarette in one handIce cream in the otherAnd marvel at how easily angels fall

But if you’re brave enough to climb my tower(And make friends with the sleeping dragon)Then don’t try to explain me(Your tongue has better uses)Strip off your armor(Women aren’t won with steel)And succumb to the tumbling embersFrom the beast (no longer tame)As you rouse beauty from her slumberWith a kiss of fairy flame

After all(As Rilke says)Perhaps all the dragons of our livesAre princessesWho are only waiting to see us(Once)Beautiful and Brave

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Who is Candice?

At age 20, I had just graduated one year ahead of schedule with a BFA (with honors) from NYU and was ready to live my fairy-tale, Broadway-star life. Now at age 34, I've been married, divorced, married again, developed an eating disorder, co-founded a theatre company, left said theatre company, been homeless, fell into debt, co-wrote a play for the 2007 NYC Fringe Festival, been to Burning Man (six times!), starred in a film, traveled through Europe, Israel and Haiti, moved from NYC to the west coast and discovered a life-changing meditation practice based on stroking pussy that I now teach to others.

Through The Orgasmic Life, I share the experiences of my sexual and spiritual unfolding with you, along with fiction and poetry inspired by exploring the dark night of the soul. I am deeply grateful for everyone who reads this blog and encourage you all to leave me a message, ask questions or comment on what you find here.

Much love and gratitude to the lessons from Saturn, the power of prayer and my Beloved husband.