I Love Television

Now You Are Old

Ever get the feeling the years are flying by? Well, get ready for a coronary, grandpa, because MTV's The Real World is starting its 16th season (Tues, June 21, 10 pm)! Did'ja hear that, you old bag of undigested Metamucil? SIXTEEN YEARS! That means you are now officially OLD! In fact, you're SO old, this is how old you are…

You're so old, you sat next to Jesus in the third grade! You're so old, you owe Fred Flintstone a food stamp! You're so old, you've got hieroglyphics on your driver's license! You're so old, the key on Benjamin Franklin's kite unlocks your apartment! You're so old, you called the cops when David and Goliath started fighting! You're so old, the liquor store asked for I.D. and you gave them a rock! You're so old, you got a pair of Air Moses sneakers! You're so old, you knew Mr. Clean when he had an afro! (In fact, you're so old, you understood that last joke!)

Anyway, THAT'S what I call OLLLLLLLLLLLD!! But cheer up--because adult diapers are on sale this week at the grocery store! HAAAAAAAA! HAW! Adult diapers! GET IT??? You… are… OLD!

Okay, I'm done. And while you may be older than Oldie McOlderson, the 500-year-old mayor of Fogey Town, just think how old Puck from the Real WorldSan Francisco must be by now. From what I understand, he's so old, he picked his nose and mummy dust fell out. Hooo hooo HOOO!! Yah, daddy! That… am… OLD!!! Ka-ZING!

But seriously folks--for those of us who have sat through the entire Real World series, it's weird that the grandpappy of all reality shows wouldn't try to mix things up after 16 years. Every season, it's the same goddamn scenario: Seven strangers are picked to live in a house and have their lives taped, wherein they're supposed to stop "pretending" and start getting "REAL." What a load of baloney! These kids are faker than my tits!

Every year we're fed the same stereotypical gang of syphilitic post-teens: the hunky beefcake, the loudmouth bee-yotch, Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club, the minority (black, gay, Jew, or preferably black gay Jew), the hot chick, the slightly less hot chick who thrusts her vagina at the beefcake to steal him from the actual hot chick, and the sociopath who will never be Puck.

And once again, they live in a shit-hot pad in the middle of some ubiquitous American city. This time around, it's Austin, Texas--a city known for absolutely nothing other than its state capitol building, which is built entirely from cow droppings. So after 16 years, why can't they shake things up a bit? Why can't they send these spoiled brats to live in a decommissioned septic tank on the bottom of the Mississippi River? Or maybe a North Korean nuclear testing facility? Or sharing a rusty circus cage with a nest of angry hornets, a clearly insane donkey, and Charles Manson? I'm sorry, but this show is getting OLD! Even older than YOU! And you're so old, when you broke your arm, gravy ran out! (Waitasecond… that's a "you're so fat" joke. Whatever! You're fat, too!!)