The Snow Removal
Game

1036
Words

Copyright 1996
WHN

There was a
mailbox there a minute ago...

Seeing as we've just
received our first big dump of snow it might be helpful to
explain to those newly arrived in Durango how the snow
removal game is played. The snow removal game is sort of
like "King of the Hill, " but "Not on my Turf " would be
more accurate.

The snow removal game pits
the city, with its massive snowplows and skilled drivers
against a Chinese army of homeowners equipped with thousands
upon thousands of snow shovels. By law everyone HAS to play
the snow removal game, and the game continues all
winter.

The way the game is played
is this. The city can't leave snow in the streets otherwise
kids couldn't get to school and the city could be sued for
fostering ignorance. Homeowners and businesses can't leave
snow on the sidewalk or they might get sued by someone who
slips and falls, or worse, cited by the city for failure to
shovel. (A 2 point infraction).

Between the sidewalk and the
road is what's known as "Anyman's Land" where both sides are
legally permitted to dump snow. Both parties play to remove
the snow from areas for which they are legally liable. At
dusk, whoever has the least snow on the property they're
legally liable for is considered the winner for the day, and
scores 7 points, same as a touchdown with a point
after.

When shoveling your sidewalk
it is perfectly acceptable to throw the snow anywhere but
the sidewalk. This includes your yard, Anyman's land, and
into the street. It's not considered good form to blow snow
into your neighbors yard and an eight point penalty if you
get caught caught. When the city plows the street they can
shove as much snow onto your driveway and freshly shoveled
sidewalk as they damn well please. Complaining about this
injustice carries a 3 point (touchback) penalty, although,
in practice, it's seldom enforced by officials.

Ploughmen reserve the right
to bury small cars, cream mailboxes, and nail anything else
that get's in the way of their blade. They paint little
mailboxes on the doors of their cabs and get 2 points apiece
for each car they leave completely buried. Completely
buried, in this competition means snow covering, over and
above the hood and trunk lines. A mailbox nailed with the
wing blade, leaving the snow on either side of the mailbox
pole untouched is worth 5 points.

Each time a ploughman goes
after a mailbox attached to a swivel, or other evasive
device the homeowner has constructed to allow his or her box
to evade or escape destruction by the blade, the homeowner
earns 25 points. The only rule is you have to have an
eyewitness or home video of the ploughman's swipe to collect
your points.

Ultimately, with both sides
throwing snow the other's direction, most of it ends up in
Anyman's Land. The only time-out in the snow removal game
occurs when Anyman's Land gets stacked so high it starts
spilling over in both directions, at which point the City,
by default, is required to bring in front end loaders and
truck the stuff to the river.

Extra points may be gained
by shoveling your neighbor's sidewalk, 2X if they happen to
be senior citizens.

The snow removal game is
played primarily during the day although road crews are
often seen plowing at night in order to carry an advantage
into the next day's play. The crews do this because they can
score buku points for burying all the cars parked each
evening. "Digging out" is the penalty for leaving your car
in a place the ploughman can bury it, although its a labor
(yardage) penalty rather than a point penalty.

Actually, there is a way to
totally avoid having to ever "dig out." Since the plows
always push snow to the right hand side of the road, if you
are careful and always park on the left, you'll never have
to dig out again. Think about it. Just watch. Tomorrow,
after reading this, people will be fighting for spots on the
left hand side and practicing parallel parking over the
opposite shoulder.

Snow removal services are a
way the elderly and infirm can get into the game. Removal
services vary from paying a neighbor's kid $5 to hiring
commercial operations with backhoes and dozers. You pay a 5
point per day for hiring a service. This ensures it's harder
to win with a service than swinging a shovel, in order to
promote physical fitness among otherwise sedentary snow
country citizens.

You can tell who's a pro at
shoveling snow and who's a lightweight merely by the variety
and selection of their weapons. A pro will have a fancy snow
shovel with a curved handle, a snow pusher, a grain scoop
shovel as well as an ice chisel for the really nasty
melted-on stuff. You'll see professionals using professional
equipment, with wooden handles that won't break or freeze to
their hands, equipped with metal blades that mean business.
Spot a metal handled shovel with a plastic blade and there's
sure to be a rookie attached to the other end. These are the
same people who find frozen flagpoles irresistable to lick.

Snowblowers were originally
designed for those unable to physically compete, but they're
finding increasing acceptance among the rich and lazy. Most
of the snowblowers I've seen are pretty lame. They crawl
along at a snail's pace and can't throw the snow any further
than I can flick a booger. Most present little or no hazard
to limb or life of either the owner or oncoming pedestrians,
making them no fun at all. In any case using a snowblower
carries with it a daily 10 point handicap, 15 if it's got
electric start, making it virtually impossible to
win.

In April of each
year "Spring Plowing" is held. This is the Wayne
Gretzy Championship of snow removal. The spring
snow is wet and heavy and sends more people to the
chiropractor than all the winter slip and falls
combined. You'll need a season total of at least
175 points to make it to the playoffs and the city
brings only it's best ploughmen to the event. Don't
even think about Spring Plowing your first season.
But after one good winter, the kind where you have
to shovel your roof to keep it above your ceiling,
you might be ready.