SEATTLE - Microsoft Corp. introduced their "Zune" media player this week, and it is the greatest invention since the wheel and totally kicks iPod's sorry ass into the dirt because it is so totally awesome as to be nearly indescribable. What brilliance, what amazement - first Microsoft invented a games console that you could actually plug into your TV, and just when you thought human technology had reached its zenith, now they have invented a music player that fits in your pocket.

Imagine if you will, a light, handy electronic appliance that fits comfortably in your pickup, that allows you to store over 80,000 songs, a week's worth of high-definition television programming, and the entire DNA sequence of your first-born son, has 3 terabytes of computer memory, and houses an entire virtual world occupied by mind beings and colorful, telepathic animals. Powered wonderfully by a V8 gas engine.

In addition to whalloping iPod in every category, the Zune can actually communicate with space aliens and angels, improve your personality through Scientological engram reprogramming and purification, record images of your dead ancestors, and allow you to live forever. Don't forget, it also has built-in bluetooth.

According to Mike, the Zune is, "like the most absolutely totally mind-blowingly incredibly fuckingly explosively huge and tremendous thing in the entire fucking history of the universe that I think I just squirted in my pants!"

Zune, which means: "a fuck" in Hebrew, comes pre-loaded with every piece of software ever written, and includes headphones, a recharging port, a satellite uplink, an MRI machine, and a 4-inch diagonal high-definition 3-D viewscreen that allows you to see up to 3 years into the future. An optional accessory pack allows you to transmute base metals into gold, and instant message God. "Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Zune," the Holy Father said this morning at the press launch.

Luckily, as a bonus for consumers, Zune is only compatible with other Microsoft products doing away with silly inconveniences such as the option to use any product not approved by Microsoft. And for the consumer that still feels they have too much choice? Don’t worry; the music you play on Zune will be wrapped up in some nasty DRM which will harvest your vital organs and ship them to Bill Gates if you attempt to reformat the music. Get it early to avoid disappointment!!

And the total cost for this miracle of modern technology is only about $259.95 or $25,995 or $25,990,454.99 something, but whatever, either way, it's like, nothing. Pocket change, really.

You need this thing or your life will simply be a pitiful sham, no more consequential than the decay of a lump of greasy cockroach shit in a sunless, fetid sewer. No, even worse than that. And yes, the Zune is available in poo brown, and creamy cum white.