Guys, I don't want a fuss this year, just a few friends, a kickback, y'know.

I have lived in the city. I have lived in the country. I have lived in a Belgian suburb and I can conclude that nobody wants to talk to anybody. Or rather; nobody wants to talk to their neighbours. Street parties can go forth and multiply because in real life I am not convinced anybody wants much to do with street parties beyond pocketing as much free cake as possible and making a swift exit. They certainly don’t want to talk to their neighbours, not with tell-tale cake crumbs around their pockets. So party shops, you can stop printing Union Jack napkins and publishing How-tos for street Diamond Jubilee street parties because we shan’t be taking part.

Anyway, everybody already spoke to their neighbours in 2002, at the Golden Jubilee when it was easier to convince us a street party would be vintage and fun and twee. This is not because the general public hates the Queen, though frankly 3 Jubilees is greedy, but because they presume to hate their neighbours and there’s no telling how many people have touched that cucumber sandwich.

However, David Cameron said in his New Year message that the Diamond Jubilee and the Olympics mean this “must be the year we go for it.” Quite what that means I am not sure, but I think it means something, something Big Society. Cue shops being filled with Union Jack themed stock. Cue images of politicians having a good old laugh with an old person, a young person and some bunting. Cue Mervyn King insinuating the Queen and her bank holidays will prolong the recession. Cue powers that be frenziedly trying to enthuse a nation that cannot be enthused. Not without lager. Tiny flags just aren’t going to do it.

Queen Elizabeth II, known for her position as an Honorary Fellow of the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists and her star turn, as herself, in Roald Dahl’s The BFG is going to press on with the celebrations. I think the stationery’s been ordered and stuff so it’s best to put a brave face on it once the planning has got to such an advanced stage. Fancy dinners ahoy.

For us proles though the Jubilee or any major Royal event can be a touch dull. Or even a tad annoying. Because we won’t be privy to any eccentric bon mots shared in the privacy of Windsor Castle we have to make do with Barbara-across-the-road in a Union Jack wig saying something slightly questionable about the British being truly British. We can be forgiven, therefore, for wishing to avoid all mention of the Diamond Jubilee.

Googling “how to avoid the Diamond Jubilee” brought up no advice. I am an unwitting pro at such things (if such a level is possible). As William and Kate exchanged vows in the shadow of Pippa’s derriere I was on the Eurostar drinking M&S cava and eating chocolate éclairs. It was weeks later before I even saw a Pippa. You are in safe, oblivious hands.

So here is our Squeamish step by step guide to avoiding the Diamond Jubilee.

Step 1 Denial, denial, denial. Look, it would be unhealthy of us to suggest you just stay in. So you’re going to have to create a mental bubble that stops the Union Jack from registering. That red, white and blue cross design? Gaudy! Those people wearing curious sunglasses? Unhinged! Those giant padded hats? Unseasonal!

Step 2 Get an all-consuming hobby. At the weekend Squeamish Louise and I attended a Roller Derby bout. Spending the day in a hall with beer and doughnuts on sale, alongside roller skates, we had no real reason to leave until, well until it was time to leave. When I arrived home at 2am I realised there had been some Champions League football game. Which, had I simply met with friends down the pub, I would have found hard to avoid now pub TVs are mandatory. Track down a convention being held in a soulless hall near you and avoid all Jubilee celebrations.

Step 3 Holiday. Leave the country. Be careful regarding your destination though. I’ve done some research and you will be flying smack bang into Diamond Jubilee-o-rama with the following members of the Royal Family in the following destinations:

The Prince of Wales and The Duchess of Cornwall: Australia, Canada, New Zealand, Papua New Guinea

The Earl and Countess of Wessex: Antigua and Barbuda, Barbados, Gibraltar, Grenada, Montserrat, St. Kitts and Nevis, St. Lucia, St. Vincent and the Grenadines, Trinidad and Tobago

The Princess Royal: Mozambique, Zambia

The Duke of Gloucester: British Virgin Islands, Malta

The Duke of Kent: Falkland Islands, Uganda

I would hate for you to take my advice only to find yourself face to face with the Duke of York at customs. The feeling you’d been somehow tricked by a member of the Royal Family would be hard to shake and I’d understand if you never forgave me.

Step 4 Have a birthday. Preferably a landmark birthday like your 21st or 30th. This way you can have a huge day of celebration that’s all about you. If anybody questions the legitimacy of the occasion you can tell them that the Queen has 2 birthdays and so can you. Especially if, like the Queen, your real birthday falls in a month known for inclement weather.

Perhaps, dear reader, you are rather an ardent Royalist, or a fan of the Queen at least. If this is the case these steps can also be applied to avoiding the Olympics with a simple alteration to step 1. Those rings? Why, that’s the sign for a magician’s convention specialising in in mystifying trick of magic linking rings… Gosh the budget these magicians must have.

I am an actual pro at this. Last year, I managed to avoid that whole wedding thing completely, by just going about my business as I normally would. I went to work, I spoke to no-one whilst I was there (they all took the day off) and then I went home, where I spent the afternoon reading and eating cake. When Mrs BH came home from work, we chatted and possibly watched a film (I'm not 100% clear on that bit!). To this day, I have seen no footage of the wedding, so cannot vouch for whether they are actually married!
This year, I plan to do the same - go to work, do stuff, go home, read eat and chat.
Of course people may feel that they want to take the day off, which makes things a bit harder, but as a commited republican (in the British sense), I refuse to accept that it is anything but a normal day, so don't have that issue!!!

I should have just suggested everyone stay home reading and eating cake

Reply

Gareth

20/5/2012 11:56:11 pm

Sadly I didn't manage to miss the Royal wedding - despite spending the entire day on the beach it was somehow still on the TV in the pub when I went there 12 hours later!

I'm spending the Jubilee in Thailand - even though it is a military dictatorship there's still going to be less jingoistic bullship going on than in the UK.

Reply

Squeamish Kate

21/5/2012 12:48:51 am

I was in Belgium and someone's husband mentioned something about the sister, it was a long time before I saw any of it. That's why I said you can't just go to a pub! It will be everywhere!

Reply

Susan

27/5/2012 05:24:49 pm

Great blog, I googled 'avoiding the jubilee' and your blog came up!! Thank you....I shall be taking your advice with staying in and eating cake. Our little village has an afternoon of jubilee 'fun' right behind our house which my children will have to ignore......luckily we have double glazing and I have to say, I hope it rains so we can keep them shut