I was just on my way to the broker:I want to shift half of my alternative fuels investmentsTo third-world microcredit firms.

Law school taught me that myMacArthur Genius Grant andThree Olympic gold medals in track & field aren’t the most important thing.

I’ve been lucky:The State Department pulled back red tapeFor my orphanage in Rumbaziland.We opened it with a U2 concert. (Bono insisted I play rhythm guitar.)

Not that I haven’t made mistakes:Never train for an IronmanWhile completing a surgical residency!

The weight?Well, Marty Scorsese wanted people to see power in my frameSo I can truly embody the young Brando.It will take months to lose the muscleFor my Payload Specialist assignment on STS-122.

Now, I wouldn’t call myself a spy; we prefer “covert information operative.”It’s not as glamorous as it seems;Monte Carlo gets boring after a couple rooftop chases.It will pay off when I get that ambassadorship.

So how is Allison?Heard she got married.

Kenneth Nichols received his MFA in Creative Writing from Ohio State. He teaches writing in Central New York and maintains the writing craft web site Great Writers Steal, accessible at www.greatwriterssteal.com. His work has appeared in many publications, including Main Street Rag, Skeptical Inquirer and Lunch Ticket.