A blog in which a frum (orthodox jewish) possible-feminist states her opinions out of the reach of the frum community

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Blind Dating

Blind dating is pretty much the only sort of dating that goes on in the frum world. We call the system of matchmaking, "Shidduchim". The process consists of being set up on dates, whether through friends, family, or the good old shadchan (matchmaker) in order to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You've never met or talked to him (or her, as the case may be) before, making them blind dates, yet you're supposed to figure out within a couple of weeks whether you want to marry them and bear their children.

I haven't talked much about my dating experiences on this blog, mostly because there's another blog out there, http://badforshidduchim.wordpress.com/, who seems to say everything that needs to be said, but since it's a pretty prominent part of my life, I figure it's time for me to put my own two cents in.

For now, all I'm going to say is that there are times when you almost wish you were blind. You're supposed to be deep and spiritual and not care about their looks, but when you go on a date and the guy's hair is greasy, or he's wearing ridiculous clothing, or he's just plain, erm, not very good looking, what are you supposed to do? Tell the shadchan (matchmaker), "Well, I couldn't look at him during the entire date but I'll go out with him again because I don't want to judge someone too quickly based on their physical appearance"?

That happens to be precisely what is expected of us ladies. When I came home from a date recently and told my family that the guy I'd gone out with wasn't very good looking, to put it kindly, I got every response from, "Well, you need to give it time," to, "You're being so mean! How could you judge a person by their looks?"

Is it really so shallow to want to be attracted to the man you mean to marry?

12 comments:

Physical attraction might not be the phrase I would use, because it disregards too many other equally important factors. I would suggest just attraction. You might be attracted to someone because of his appearance or his status or his charisma, but there has to be some kind of attraction. Usually, when these other elements come into play, physical attraction follows. One way or another, I hope you don't settle for someone that doesn't attract you.

It depends, the physical attraction can go both ways. From my own experience, if you are not getting attracted on the second, maximum third meeting, then drop it. Getting married when you cannot imagine even kissing the guy going to cause you a lot of grief. On the other hand, if you are very very attracted on the first date, as every strong feeling it might fade very fast and you get the same result of unhappy marriage. I guess the physical attraction has to be somehow moderate, and combined with attractiveness of a person himself. What makes us attractive is not the looks but our expression and our personality.

I agree that, "What makes us attractive is not the looks but our expression and our personality." But don't you think that people express themselves and their personalities through their physical appearance? I went out with a guy with greasy hair and didn't let myself think about it because I didn't want to base my decision on something physical. But when he turned out to be a really sleazy guy, I said, "I should have paid more attention to my first instinct..."