The BP I Hate to Clean Up Cookbook

Courtesy of The New Yorker's Shouts and Murmurs humor column, we get some recipes from BP's I Hate to Clean Up cookbook, complete with tips from chef Tony.

Remember that if Gulf shrimp go extinct there's always chicken!

Blackened Prawns

This is such a favorite with the guys on the rigs that the running joke is that our company was named after the dish! Believe me, you won't have leftovers (but, if you do, they'll last and last).

Ingredients:

Prawns. If prawns are extinct, use chicken drumettes.

Enough finely chopped garlic to overcome aroma

1. Coat prawns with garlic. If necessary, use glue gun.

2. Broil. Watch for flareups.

And if it's not working, just pretend that it is! And get some paper towels.

Tony's Try-and-Try-Again Deep-Fried Doughnuts

How much masking tape do you have? Keep stirring. If it still looks like that after an hour, continue stirring for four to six months. Can't you call it gravy? Japanese peanut butter? Swiss cheese has holes in it and nobody complains. Blot well with paper towels.