Deceased Gamer Pretty Pissed To Find Heaven Doesn’t Have Xbox Live

Published March 19, 2018

Family and friends gathered this morning to honor the life of Dion Jameson, who tragically passed away over the weekend from sudden illness. Just 18 years of age, Jameson spoke candidly from the afterlife to confirm the beauty of Eden, but also voiced his displeasure at the absence of Xbox’s online service. “I feel cheated,” he said, “This place is supposed to be my own paradise, but I can’t even play Halo Firefight mode. This isn’t what I signed up for.”

Jameson’s grieving mother was happy to hear from him but disappointed to learn her late son is not having his needs met in what is supposed to be an eternity of limitless pleasure. “He’s eating well, so that’s good. He gets to have his Qdoba every night. But my boy was taken from me. God took him from me. I don’t know why, I’ll never understand it…” Through tears she continued, “and the least he could do as our supreme creator is enable LAN parties.”

Jameson says he’s questioning his faith now that he’s seen God’s work is not as wondrous or commendable as he once believed. “A couple of my cousins died a while back in a car wreck. I was excited to come up here and play some Left 4 Dead with them. But now we’re stuck playing splitscreen like it’s 2005 or something.”
We reached out to the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost for his comments on the matter. “He can go to Hell,” God said, “They have wifi.”