Eternally Awake

Summary:
I was a vampire now... Why couldn't my life just balance out? Bella has just endured her transformation, and she is excited about begining her eternity with Edward. However, fate seems to be against her happiness. Everything that was supposed to be fixed only seems to be intensified. Is there a way for her to get what she wants and keep everything she left behind safe, too?

Notes:
New chapter should be up soon!

12. Blame

We walked silently out to the car without glancing back. I could barely move; the guilt was pushing down on me like heavy water. I stopped walking and fell to my knees, sobbing. It was too much. I was a monster, a total and complete monster. I couldn’t bear the pain, but I couldn’t let it go. It was masochistic not to move on, but I just couldn’t leave it behind. This small town had been my home. The comforting shades of green surrounded me, but they brought no comfort. They only brought a reminder of what I had destroyed. Because of me, my father was dead. Because of me, an entire town of people I cared about was dead. It was all because of me, and I deserved to die because of it. But how could I die? The family would never do it; the Volturi wouldn’t do it; there was no other way! I whole-heartedly hated this existence. I walked dead in my own body, watching the people I once knew, once befriended; wither away to a death I wanted so badly. I should have listened to Edward. This wasn’t worth it. I knew at the back of my mind that there was someone else that could kill vampires, but I just couldn’t put my finger on whom. It was someone I had loved, someone I had loved very much in my human life… Jake. Jake and Paul and Jared and Sam and Embry and Quil. They’d do it. Well, maybe not Jake, but he probably wouldn’t have a problem with it seeing as he hated me. I celebrated Edward’s inability to read my mind. If he knew, I would never be able to get away with it. But I still couldn’t go through with it. I couldn’t hurt Edward like that. I’d suffer anything to keep him happy. Suicide was the wrong way to go. Though the Quilettes would kill all three of us if they found out about this. We really needed to get out of Forks, and erase all traces of our having been here tonight. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to stand up. I crumpled up in a ball in the middle of the parking lot, wanting no one to touch me. I sobbed tearless sobs, and let the guilt consume every bit of me. Edward had told me I wasn’t a monster when I killed the elk; he couldn’t say it now. I wouldn’t let him say it now. Because I was a monster! I’d killed my father. There was no excuse for that. The Volturi, though. The Volturi. I hated them even more then myself! They had killed every other person in this innocent town, and they had killed thousands more after that! They were intolerable. Vile, evil creatures that had no right to live after taking so many lives. They caused this. They set me up for this. They knew I would be too weak to resist. Absolutely intolerable. It was their fault that I was put in that position. Most of this was their fault. I felt the anger build up inside of me, and every thought that passed through my mind centered around vengeance.