I wasn't sure if I should post this in the "How to" or the "BDSM" Forum, so I hope that this is an alright place.

I was hoping to get advice from people in the BDSM community.

I've always had a thing for non-con, reluctance, and BDSM stories (first thing I gravitated towards when I found out about erotica actually) but my partners have never been willing to experiment that way with me so its always stayed more of a fantasy than anything else.

However, it's been difficult for me to pinpoint exactly what I want. I love being dominated, but I can be a bit of a brat and enjoy the back and forth of banter and power play. And ultimately cannot help but feel glee when I feel like I've "won" or "beat" my partner (only temporarily of course. I'd be disappointed if I couldn't be outfoxed again. )

I've been seriously considering figuring out a way to test this all out in the real world, but I'm not sure how to go about it.

I don't want to end up leading anyone on if this isn't for me or end up in a situation that's way over my head (haha pun)

I'm only 24 so I am concerned about safety and the risk of being manipulated by someone who sees me as more of a mark or fresh meat.

Since my fantasies are more theoretical than real at this point, I'm not sure where to start. Especially, because some of the kinkier aspects of the BDSM community feels a little overwhelming to me since it's not a realm I've managed to dip my toes in yet.

If anyone could offer advice or maybe stories about how you got your start, I would really appreciate it. Thank you for reading through this obnoxiously long post.

To me it doesn't sound like what you're looking for is something you'll find in the BDSM categories.

What it sounds like is that you enjoy competition. Winning or losing doesn't matter, it's the competition that you seek. I say this because I get the impression that whether you are the winner, or the trophy, is irrelevant to the game.

To me it doesn't sound like what you're looking for is something you'll find in the BDSM categories.

What it sounds like is that you enjoy competition. Winning or losing doesn't matter, it's the competition that you seek. I say this because I get the impression that whether you are the winner, or the trophy, is irrelevant to the game.

BDSM is not a game.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. I really do appreciate it.

You know, I am a very playful person. It's something that I can't completely divorce from any aspect of my life or personality.

Although what you're saying may end up having some truth to it at the end, I hesitate to fully accept it, as it is based on one post I have made.

I do enjoy competition, but ultimately, I am looking for a partner that I can grow with. For me, I know that requires that the person is my intellectual equal or superior. I find it difficult to enjoy relationships when I don't feel that my partner can figure out where I'm coming from -which includes my more trickster-y side.

However, you do know more about the BDSM community than I do. I know that I wouldn't be happy with someone who was serious all the time and not amendable to my personality (or my occasional games for that matter).

Ultimately, I really was hoping for advice on how to seek out the BDSM community in real life, while remaining respectful of the subculture as well as my own boundaries and limitations.

The truth is that I don't know if the BDSM community is a place that I could call home, but I do know that there are a lot of aspects to it that I find very desirable. I would hate to miss out on the chance of finding out more about myself because I was too scared to look.

I'm not sure whether it matters if what you're wanting is 'real' bdsm or not ... what you obviously want is a partner whose interested in the power/control dynamic too, and not going to push you into thing, but give you space to 'test' stuff.

Personally, I found online/phone relationships really useful for this sort of thing. Provided you (and your partner) have a good imagination, you can try out a range of interactions/dynamics without the total 'risk' of a physical encounter. I'm not saying there aren't risks, but for me it was an environment that felt safer. (I'm running a slightly auto-bio thread talking about all this if you're interested.)

Of course, the trick is finding the right virtual partner. There's a lot of toads before you get to the prince!

__________________
They went down to the river on a warm summer night.
The air was thick with the smell of
temptation.

I'm not sure whether it matters if what you're wanting is 'real' bdsm or not ... what you obviously want is a partner whose interested in the power/control dynamic too, and not going to push you into thing, but give you space to 'test' stuff.

Personally, I found online/phone relationships really useful for this sort of thing. Provided you (and your partner) have a good imagination, you can try out a range of interactions/dynamics without the total 'risk' of a physical encounter. I'm not saying there aren't risks, but for me it was an environment that felt safer. (I'm running a slightly auto-bio thread talking about all this if you're interested.)

Of course, the trick is finding the right virtual partner. There's a lot of toads before you get to the prince!

That sounds wonderful! Where can I find the link to your autio-bio thread?

I'm not sure whether it matters if what you're wanting is 'real' bdsm or not ... what you obviously want is a partner whose interested in the power/control dynamic too, and not going to push you into thing, but give you space to 'test' stuff.

Personally, I found online/phone relationships really useful for this sort of thing. Provided you (and your partner) have a good imagination, you can try out a range of interactions/dynamics without the total 'risk' of a physical encounter. I'm not saying there aren't risks, but for me it was an environment that felt safer. (I'm running a slightly auto-bio thread talking about all this if you're interested.)

Of course, the trick is finding the right virtual partner. There's a lot of toads before you get to the prince!

This.
And BDSM may not be a ďgameĒ but damn, HisArpy makes it sound as lighthearted as having your gums scraped.
Playful competition, power dynamics/control absolutely have a place.

This.
And BDSM may not be a ďgameĒ but damn, HisArpy makes it sound as lighthearted as having your gums scraped.
Playful competition, power dynamics/control absolutely have a place.

Anyone would think you didn't enjoy having your gums scraped!

(Sidebar - I was actually at the dentists a couple of weeks ago and musing on how many dental hygienists/dentists might be dominant in their spare time ... there's definitely some crossovers there, both in instruction and some of the equipment - the newfangled thing they've invented to keep your lips retracted looks straight out of a bdsm catalogue.)

__________________
They went down to the river on a warm summer night.
The air was thick with the smell of
temptation.

This.
And BDSM may not be a ďgameĒ but damn, HisArpy makes it sound as lighthearted as having your gums scraped.
Playful competition, power dynamics/control absolutely have a place.

Playfulness does have a place. It's just not something I'm picking up here as part of the OP's first post or follow up responses.

That doesn't mean BDSM can't be fun. Instructions don't include every aspect of "how to" so there is an element of how creative the s can be when following instructions. Telling your s to "go get dressed" leaves open the possibility that you might suddenly be confronted with your dinner date wearing a furry cos-play outfit. But, in the end, the instruction stands and should be obeyed so long as the instruction doesn't go beyond hard or soft limits. Or personal tastes. There should be no contest as to who does what. If there's a question, that's what communication and safe words are for.

Creating a relationship isn't easy even without a kinky lifestyle. Finding a life partner is never simple and it gets harder when one is trying to find someone who shares the same outlook and who can stimulate one's interests and keep them on their toes. It's even harder when someone wants a partner who can "keep up" with them mentally or physically. What I'm getting from the OP is that she wants someone who can "prove" they are strong enough to win and keep her, physically, mentally, and socially. But she is also going to make them keep on "proving" it or toss them to the curb and move on. That's not BDSM.

In a nutshell (and without getting too involved in irrelevant details):

Bondage. Bondage is about control and/or punishment.

Domination doesn't allow for challenges to who is master and who isn't.

Sadism is about pain or humiliation. The OP"s question and efforts to find herself to avoid emotional frustration and pain defeats this aspect.

Masochism is a desire for pain. Rough sex is something which might fit here, but rough sex by itself is not BDSM. Lots of people enjoy fierce lovemaking but that doesn't make them masochists.

So, if there is an aspect of BDSM here, it's possibly one of a budding switch but I don't see it. It could just be me, but I don't see anything at all other than a yearning for someone to to keep the OP happy in all her antics and behaviors.

Playfulness does have a place. It's just not something I'm picking up here as part of the OP's first post or follow up responses.

That doesn't mean BDSM can't be fun. Instructions don't include every aspect of "how to" so there is an element of how creative the s can be when following instructions. Telling your s to "go get dressed" leaves open the possibility that you might suddenly be confronted with your dinner date wearing a furry cos-play outfit. But, in the end, the instruction stands and should be obeyed so long as the instruction doesn't go beyond hard or soft limits. Or personal tastes. There should be no contest as to who does what. If there's a question, that's what communication and safe words are for.

Creating a relationship isn't easy even without a kinky lifestyle. Finding a life partner is never simple and it gets harder when one is trying to find someone who shares the same outlook and who can stimulate one's interests and keep them on their toes. It's even harder when someone wants a partner who can "keep up" with them mentally or physically. What I'm getting from the OP is that she wants someone who can "prove" they are strong enough to win and keep her, physically, mentally, and socially. But she is also going to make them keep on "proving" it or toss them to the curb and move on. That's not BDSM.

In a nutshell (and without getting too involved in irrelevant details):

Bondage. Bondage is about control and/or punishment.

Domination doesn't allow for challenges to who is master and who isn't.

Sadism is about pain or humiliation. The OP"s question and efforts to find herself to avoid emotional frustration and pain defeats this aspect.

Masochism is a desire for pain. Rough sex is something which might fit here, but rough sex by itself is not BDSM. Lots of people enjoy fierce lovemaking but that doesn't make them masochists.

So, if there is an aspect of BDSM here, it's possibly one of a budding switch but I don't see it. It could just be me, but I don't see anything at all other than a yearning for someone to to keep the OP happy in all her antics and behaviors.

This is not BDSM.

"I love being dominated" ... what more do you want? Not all submission looks the same. Not even all MY submission looks the same.

__________________
They went down to the river on a warm summer night.
The air was thick with the smell of
temptation.

Playfulness does have a place. It's just not something I'm picking up here as part of the OP's first post or follow up responses.

That doesn't mean BDSM can't be fun. Instructions don't include every aspect of "how to" so there is an element of how creative the s can be when following instructions. Telling your s to "go get dressed" leaves open the possibility that you might suddenly be confronted with your dinner date wearing a furry cos-play outfit. But, in the end, the instruction stands and should be obeyed so long as the instruction doesn't go beyond hard or soft limits. Or personal tastes. There should be no contest as to who does what. If there's a question, that's what communication and safe words are for.

Creating a relationship isn't easy even without a kinky lifestyle. Finding a life partner is never simple and it gets harder when one is trying to find someone who shares the same outlook and who can stimulate one's interests and keep them on their toes. It's even harder when someone wants a partner who can "keep up" with them mentally or physically. What I'm getting from the OP is that she wants someone who can "prove" they are strong enough to win and keep her, physically, mentally, and socially. But she is also going to make them keep on "proving" it or toss them to the curb and move on. That's not BDSM.

In a nutshell (and without getting too involved in irrelevant details):

Bondage. Bondage is about control and/or punishment.

Domination doesn't allow for challenges to who is master and who isn't.

Sadism is about pain or humiliation. The OP"s question and efforts to find herself to avoid emotional frustration and pain defeats this aspect.

Masochism is a desire for pain. Rough sex is something which might fit here, but rough sex by itself is not BDSM. Lots of people enjoy fierce lovemaking but that doesn't make them masochists.

So, if there is an aspect of BDSM here, it's possibly one of a budding switch but I don't see it. It could just be me, but I don't see anything at all other than a yearning for someone to to keep the OP happy in all her antics and behaviors.

This is not BDSM.

I really resent you slandering my name through your haphazard, armchair psychology. You have no idea what I'm like as a person or in a relationship. Or what I enjoy in and out of the bedroom.

I don't toss people to the curb when things get tough. I saw my last long term partner through a very hard time in their life, but there was a difference between doing that two years into our relationship vs two dates in.

I'm not going to roll over for the first person I see with a whip, and I don't see anything wrong with wanting to be intellectually and psychologically matched. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't understand me or who I'm incompatible with?

And lastly, if possible, yes I would like to avoid ending up with a manipulative, abusive partner who uses BDSM as an excuse to corner me into a bad situation. I've read enough horror stories in and out of the kink world to know that I have to be careful.

"I love being dominated" ... what more do you want? Not all submission looks the same. Not even all MY submission looks the same.

I'm going to add to this by saying; BDSM isn't like a 'post in the ground' with only a narrow way from bottom to top. I view it more like a vine with many possible branches to explore. It can be anywhere on a spectrum from full slavery to occasional bedroom games between lovers. Actually, I prefer the term D/s and maybe that's more in line with what Red_Camellia is seeking...such that the Dom/sub dynamic can be enjoyed without the belts,whips, special outfits, pain and etc.

Red_Camellia
Did you have any BDSM experience at all thus far? I didn't quite get that part.

If not, then that's what I recommend you to do. Find yourself a good Dom, one that will first and foremost seek balance of both of your interests, and not just go "You will do what I say and won't have a choice in the matter!!!"

You mention fantasizing about Non-con. It may seem like overbearing dominant is what you want - one that will shut you down every time you try something or ask for anything. One that will say things like "As a sub you need to take everything I put you through" or "As a sub you shouldn't complain".
It may seem that that's what you want, but I warn you against it.
You need a sane, albeit maybe harsh Dominant. I still recommend starting slow and working your way up from there. The main distinction between a good Dom and a horny boy with a head full of crap is that real Dominant will check in with you a lot and never overstep boundaries you place. He will not even push them (A definition many bad dominants seem to like) - at least not in the first months of your relationship. But at the same time, this person will be ready to experiment.

Thing about Non-Consent is that I doubt any of us really want that in our lives. Reluctance roleplay - yes, totally. But to have something done completely against your consent - no, I don't think so. I would be careful mentioning this to people before you are well into relationship, just in case someone gets sick ideas and thinks he is justified to rape you.

Depending on where you live, I would also recommend attending a munch or two. It's a great place to meet people and learn a thing or two.

Good luck!

__________________Check out my new site, and read SexTV story there!
Chapter 8 is already out! Also open for commissions!

Red_Camellia
Did you have any BDSM experience at all thus far? I didn't quite get that part.

If not, then that's what I recommend you to do. Find yourself a good Dom, one that will first and foremost seek balance of both of your interests, and not just go "You will do what I say and won't have a choice in the matter!!!"

You mention fantasizing about Non-con. It may seem like overbearing dominant is what you want - one that will shut you down every time you try something or ask for anything. One that will say things like "As a sub you need to take everything I put you through" or "As a sub you shouldn't complain".
It may seem that that's what you want, but I warn you against it.
You need a sane, albeit maybe harsh Dominant. I still recommend starting slow and working your way up from there. The main distinction between a good Dom and a horny boy with a head full of crap is that real Dominant will check in with you a lot and never overstep boundaries you place. He will not even push them (A definition many bad dominants seem to like) - at least not in the first months of your relationship. But at the same time, this person will be ready to experiment.

Thing about Non-Consent is that I doubt any of us really want that in our lives. Reluctance roleplay - yes, totally. But to have something done completely against your consent - no, I don't think so. I would be careful mentioning this to people before you are well into relationship, just in case someone gets sick ideas and thinks he is justified to rape you.

Depending on where you live, I would also recommend attending a munch or two. It's a great place to meet people and learn a thing or two.

Good luck!

Not "formal" BDSM experience per se, but I have tried some light bondage and light punishment that I enjoyed, and tend to have partners who have more dominant personalities in general.

Thank you so much for mentioning the 'munch.' I looked it up and seems like a great place to start. Hopefully there will be places in my area that aren't too far away haha.
Non-con in a role playing or pre determined way for sure. Definitely not for real. But you're probably right, I won't mention it from the get go.

Some questions I did have, if you know the answer, how do you determine dom's different styles? Are people pretty straight forward about it, I guess specifically in more in person gatherings? How do people tend to size each other up? Is there a kind of "dom" that you were thinking about when you said to start slow?

I don't know if I want someone who's overbearing, but I definitely do want someone who won't let me get away with things once they catch onto what I'm up to haha

Some questions I did have, if you know the answer, how do you determine dom's different styles? Are people pretty straight forward about it, I guess specifically in more in person gatherings? How do people tend to size each other up? Is there a kind of "dom" that you were thinking about when you said to start slow?

I don't know if I want someone who's overbearing, but I definitely do want someone who won't let me get away with things once they catch onto what I'm up to haha

Thanks!

If you're really looking to experiment with other people in a safe way, a strictly online fling would probably be the best way. If you're looking for more practical experience maybe you could dip into a local community as an observer for a bit, seek potential playmates, and vet them with said community.

It sounds like you want to 'get it right' first time which is unlikely, you should probably focus less on trying to specifically identify with certain aspects of bdsm and instead work out what you know you'd like to try and build on that. Plus it's not like people are inflexible, if you don't end up with that kind of ?strict? personality in a partner then I'm sure most people would be willing to indulge a different style for your sake.

If you're really looking to experiment with other people in a safe way, a strictly online fling would probably be the best way. If you're looking for more practical experience maybe you could dip into a local community as an observer for a bit, seek potential playmates, and vet them with said community.

It sounds like you want to 'get it right' first time which is unlikely, you should probably focus less on trying to specifically identify with certain aspects of bdsm and instead work out what you know you'd like to try and build on that. Plus it's not like people are inflexible, if you don't end up with that kind of ?strict? personality in a partner then I'm sure most people would be willing to indulge a different style for your sake.

Thanks Blue,

I'll definitely keep that in mind.

Haha yes. That is a bad quality of mine. I have to do a lot of research/literature review for my job so it tends to bleed over in how I live my life. But I'm not looking for the perfect partner. I just want to be as well informed as I can be.

I really resent you slandering my name through your haphazard, armchair psychology. You have no idea what I'm like as a person or in a relationship. Or what I enjoy in and out of the bedroom.

I don't toss people to the curb when things get tough. I saw my last long term partner through a very hard time in their life, but there was a difference between doing that two years into our relationship vs two dates in.

I'm not going to roll over for the first person I see with a whip, and I don't see anything wrong with wanting to be intellectually and psychologically matched. Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't understand me or who I'm incompatible with?

And lastly, if possible, yes I would like to avoid ending up with a manipulative, abusive partner who uses BDSM as an excuse to corner me into a bad situation. I've read enough horror stories in and out of the kink world to know that I have to be careful.

You sound great to me.

As for the armchair psych up there, he does that a lot.
Iím more apt to agree with what Kim said. Not all submission is the same, not in actual submission, and not in the journey to get there. Sometimes it takes effort to submit, and both Dom and sub have to work on it and find their own way.
Other times, itís as natural as breathing.

Not "formal" BDSM experience per se, but I have tried some light bondage and light punishment that I enjoyed, and tend to have partners who have more dominant personalities in general.

Thank you so much for mentioning the 'munch.' I looked it up and seems like a great place to start. Hopefully there will be places in my area that aren't too far away haha.
Non-con in a role playing or pre determined way for sure. Definitely not for real. But you're probably right, I won't mention it from the get go.

Some questions I did have, if you know the answer, how do you determine dom's different styles? Are people pretty straight forward about it, I guess specifically in more in person gatherings? How do people tend to size each other up? Is there a kind of "dom" that you were thinking about when you said to start slow?

I don't know if I want someone who's overbearing, but I definitely do want someone who won't let me get away with things once they catch onto what I'm up to haha

Thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue

If you're really looking to experiment with other people in a safe way, a strictly online fling would probably be the best way. If you're looking for more practical experience maybe you could dip into a local community as an observer for a bit, seek potential playmates, and vet them with said community.

It sounds like you want to 'get it right' first time which is unlikely, you should probably focus less on trying to specifically identify with certain aspects of bdsm and instead work out what you know you'd like to try and build on that. Plus it's not like people are inflexible, if you don't end up with that kind of ?strict? personality in a partner then I'm sure most people would be willing to indulge a different style for your sake.

What Con said.

The Dom will let you know his preferred style. Some like to Daddy, some are stricter and are more of a Master. Some are more formal and want to be a Sir.
I personally donít care for titles, as a rule. So, for me, I found a loving relationship with a Dom. While he is Doninant to me and I am submissive to him, Iím not his sub, and heís not my Dom. We are each otherís person and we belong to each other.
If that makes sense.

I agree with much of what Nez said in his post regarding Non con and reluctance, but i donít agree with his statement that you need a harsh Dom. You need a Dom that you can communicate fully your boundaries with this. You must trust your Dom completely to engage in this.
I enjoy it as well. Itís exciting and doable if you both listen to each other.
Again.
Like any relationship.

As for the armchair psych up there, he does that a lot.
Iím more apt to agree with what Kim said. Not all submission is the same, not in actual submission, and not in the journey to get there. Sometimes it takes effort to submit, and both Dom and sub have to work on it and find their own way.
Other times, itís as natural as breathing.

Like any relationship.

Aw thank you Farawyn.

I appreciate you being so sweet to me, and I really do appreciate you and Kim jumping in with that. It feels very validating to hear that it's okay to struggle.

Not "formal" BDSM experience per se, but I have tried some light bondage and light punishment that I enjoyed, and tend to have partners who have more dominant personalities in general.

Thank you so much for mentioning the 'munch.' I looked it up and seems like a great place to start. Hopefully there will be places in my area that aren't too far away haha.
Non-con in a role playing or pre determined way for sure. Definitely not for real. But you're probably right, I won't mention it from the get go.

Some questions I did have, if you know the answer, how do you determine dom's different styles? Are people pretty straight forward about it, I guess specifically in more in person gatherings? How do people tend to size each other up? Is there a kind of "dom" that you were thinking about when you said to start slow?

I don't know if I want someone who's overbearing, but I definitely do want someone who won't let me get away with things once they catch onto what I'm up to haha

Thanks!

If you are looking to engage in BDSM in person as opposed to just online, then munches are indeed a good idea to explore. In addition to meeting potential doms, it's a great opportunity to make friends with other subs, many of whom are either in the same shoes or have been where you are. They can be good resources as you get your bearings and give you advice along the lines of "things I wish I knew when I started", especially for your local scene.

When discussing things with doms you are interested in, the best advice I can give you is to be upfront and honest about your levels of experience and what activities and dynamics interest you, even if you don't know all the answers or can't articulate everything yet. You'll meet doms of every experience level too. With BDSM as with any other type of relationship, it's a good idea to exercise caution and trust your gut. If something seems off or too good to be true, then it probably is. That doesn't mean the dom is automatically some predator - although he might be, predators love fresh meat! It could just mean you're not compatible.

You'll find with any dom your dynamic and chemistry can look and feel a little different, and that's totally normal. When it comes to discussing styles, people are generally pretty straightforward about it. Or at least they are where I live. It's generally seen as wasting everyone's time to lie about what you're into, so I haven't really seen it be a problem here.

The Dom will let you know his preferred style. Some like to Daddy, some are stricter and are more of a Master. Some are more formal and want to be a Sir.
I personally donít care for titles, as a rule. So, for me, I found a loving relationship with a Dom. While he is Doninant to me and I am submissive to him, Iím not his sub, and heís not my Dom. We are each otherís person and we belong to each other.
If that makes sense.

I agree with much of what Nez said in his post regarding Non con and reluctance, but i donít agree with his statement that you need a harsh Dom. You need a Dom that you can communicate fully your boundaries with this. You must trust your Dom completely to engage in this.
I enjoy it as well. Itís exciting and doable if you both listen to each other.
Again.
Like any relationship.

That actually makes a lot of sense to me! Thank you for saying that! I feel so much better hearing different point of views about the whole thing. It makes me breathe easier.

If you are looking to engage in BDSM in person as opposed to just online, then munches are indeed a good idea to explore. In addition to meeting potential doms, it's a great opportunity to make friends with other subs, many of whom are either in the same shoes or have been where you are. They can be good resources as you get your bearings and give you advice along the lines of "things I wish I knew when I started", especially for your local scene.

When discussing things with doms you are interested in, the best advice I can give you is to be upfront and honest about your levels of experience and what activities and dynamics interest you, even if you don't know all the answers or can't articulate everything yet. You'll meet doms of every experience level too. With BDSM as with any other type of relationship, it's a good idea to exercise caution and trust your gut. If something seems off or too good to be true, then it probably is. That doesn't mean the dom is automatically some predator - although he might be, predators love fresh meat! It could just mean you're not compatible.

You'll find with any dom your dynamic and chemistry can look and feel a little different, and that's totally normal. When it comes to discussing styles, people are generally pretty straightforward about it. Or at least they are where I live. It's generally seen as wasting everyone's time to lie about what you're into, so I haven't really seen it be a problem here.

Good luck and have fun!

Thanks Miles! Great advice. I do love the idea of connecting with subs in person first. That might be a better way to ease into things actually.

Interestingly, often even the things you think are 'what you want' can turn out not to be, and vice versa. It really is, at least in my (amazingly limited) experience so totally dependent on the other person. If you have an emotional connection with them, that's (again, in my limited experience) the foundation for everything else ... how that's expressed through relinquishing and taking control, etc etc is the structure you build on top of that, but for me the emotional connection is fundamental. And being able to have a laugh. Because sometimes things are just a bit silly.
(My in-charge guy has a very inquisitive cat, and we'd often forget to shut relevant doors. Trust me, it's hard to take much seriously, no matter how extreme you're being, when a curious cat suddenly makes it's presence known. If he couldn't laugh about that, I probably wouldn't be with him.)

And yes, there are some lovely people in here. I especially like how we're all respectful of each others differences.

__________________
They went down to the river on a warm summer night.
The air was thick with the smell of
temptation.

Interestingly, often even the things you think are 'what you want' can turn out not to be, and vice versa. It really is, at least in my (amazingly limited) experience so totally dependent on the other person. If you have an emotional connection with them, that's (again, in my limited experience) the foundation for everything else ... how that's expressed through relinquishing and taking control, etc etc is the structure you build on top of that, but for me the emotional connection is fundamental. And being able to have a laugh. Because sometimes things are just a bit silly.
(My in-charge guy has a very inquisitive cat, and we'd often forget to shut relevant doors. Trust me, it's hard to take much seriously, no matter how extreme you're being, when a curious cat suddenly makes it's presence known. If he couldn't laugh about that, I probably wouldn't be with him.)

And yes, there are some lovely people in here. I especially like how we're all respectful of each others differences.