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9) My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

10) I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

11) Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

12) With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

13) I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

14) There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

15) A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

16) I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

And, here's some icing on the cake, here's some alternate definitions !!!

Quote:

Classic: A book which people praise and don't read.

Consult: To seek approval for a course of action already decided upon

FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.

HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homocide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another --the classification is for advantage of the lawyers.

Education: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.

Optimism: The doctrine that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. ... It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.

YEAR, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.

PROPERTY, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may be held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others. The object of man's brief rapacity and long indifference.

DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.

CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns.

Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.

Ok, I'm all tapped out of jokes...back to my saner self for now

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All the good things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening, married to someone else or just mere flattery!!! — Self

Last night production was trying to put enough doubt in Kevin's mind to keep Michele to which Natalie screamed to them to stop fucking with him. There was alot of monitor action during this tirade. In the end if he kept Michele Natalie threatened to

1) Not throw any of the competitions to him.
2) If sent out third turn Jessie and Russ vote against him.
3) Stab him in the neck with her twist tie ring.

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Last night production was trying to put enough doubt in Kevin's mind to keep Michele to which Natalie screamed to them to stop fucking with him. There was alot of monitor action during this tirade. In the end if he kept Michele Natalie threatened to

1) Not throw any of the competitions to him.
2) If sent out third turn Jessie and Russ vote against him.
3) Stab him in the neck with her twist tie ring.

so he was telling her what they said? idiot!
and what did you mean by "monitor action"? not enough coffee for my brain to work yet

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