Today, I Prayed.

Today, while on a date with my boyfriend at SM Megamall, we dropped by the mall’s Adoration Chapel to pray.

I haven’t prayed in a while. (I’ve become a deist since college. This means that I believe in a superior being but not in religion. I believe in a personal relationship with God. This does not make me a follower of Satan. Geez.) The reason for this was because I didn’t want to pray only when I needed something. I wanted to take responsibility for my own actions, for whatever is happening in my life. I didn’t want to pray only to blame God for my circumstances.

And today, I prayed. I decided to pray for two reasons. One, to express my gratitude for the overwhelming happiness of having my boyfriend here, beside me, spending the holidays with me and my family. I held his hand as we prayed, and I wondered if he was thanking God for being here, too.

Second, I prayed because I acknowledged I needed help. 2013 has been a rocky year for me. My greatest fear has always been not having enough options. To be cornered into a situation where I’ll have “no choice” but to do something I’m not happy or comfortable with. Like say, getting forced to take whatever job comes along. I didn’t want to be forced into desperate situations, that’s why I kept learning new skills, trying out new things, collecting licenses in careers I see my self doing in the future. I did my best to expand my network by meeting new people and gaining new experiences.

My life’s a maze. I haven’t quite figured it out yet.

Now, my current fear is not being able to see the future. Of course, no one has the gift to predict the future. But I don’t have a clear idea of where to go. I have all these knowledge and skills, but I don’t know which of them I should focus on, or if I should even focus on any of them and finally settle.

So I prayed for guidance. Maybe I was trying so hard to go against the flow. God might have been pointing me to the direction where I’ll flourish, but I let my stubbornness win. I prayed that God might not get tired of pointing me towards where I should go, and what I should do. I think I’m tired exploring now and I want to settle into a career I love.

So in 2014, I’ll let God run my life. I’ll try harder because there’s something I want. There’s somewhere I want to be in.

I find comfort in the fact that it is never random, however messed up everything seems to be at the moment.

Sorry for the incoherent ramblings. Things have been difficult recently, and despite this, I want to keep reminding myself that everything is going as planned. I should just let these things happen and run its course in my life. At the end of the day, everything will be okay. :)-HANA