Laguna Beach. Another perfect day in Paradise, but oh no, there’s CO2. For those readers not familiar with these elements in the periodic table, I want to know where you were instead of chemistry class in high school. Be careful with your answer because there’s no statute of limitation on skipping class. A wrong answer will mean detention and having to write on the chalkboard 200 times the phrase, “Pet Peeves is a gas and makes me high with delight.”

An informed Indy columnist, who obviously went to all her chemistry classes, wrote that the CO2 levels or carbon dioxide is rising at an alarming rate. The CO2 levels surpassed 400 parts per million at the recording station on Mauna Loa, Hawaii. I called Mauna Loa to confirm this finding but didn’t get an answer. This is double reason for concern. First, there must not be much to do in Mauna Loa, if one cannot find anything to do but measure CO2 levels. Scientists are known worldwide to be the last group to invite over to a party because they aren’t wired for cocktail banter. “CO2 is up.” “Heard that.” Second reason for concern, is that scientists who are not party animals and don’t talk much, have all the time in the world to eat all the little cocktail weenies. Get pushy at the hors d’oeuvres table. Remember scientists are just older high school nerds. You can take them.

The last time CO2 was this high in the atmosphere was during the Pleistocene era and was first reported by Larry King and his first wife for C news, which over the years morphed into CNN and eight wives. Larry was asked what he remembered from the Pleistocene era and he said, “I felt a bit groggy, but remember being head over heels for a lass named Wilma, but she fell hard for my friend Fred Flintstone.” When Larry heard that Fred was just a cartoon, he got animated and said, “Tell that to Wilma. Or check it out with my source, Popeye. He’s am what he’s am.”

The Pleistocene era was 3 million years ago. Things were different then. February had 31 days and April, June, and November had none. Every month was heralded as “Dinosaur Month.” The favorite expression was, “You’re going to become a dinosaur.” A phrase, that’s made it through the ages, and still resonates with Blackberry employees. According to Fritz Coleman, the first Channel Four Weatherman of any and all eras, husbands and wives were restricted to their caves because of inclement weather. Husband: “Honey, I can’t go out today and hunt. The weather is too bad.” Wife: “If there’s no bacon, then there’s no makin’. Out. I want a divorce. I get the cave and a lifetime of alimony. A woman’s got to gather.”

Most alarming as witnessed by Coleman, was that the sea level was 33’ to 66’ higher. That means that most of downtown Laguna was under water. The environmental impact on parking spaces would be devastating. Imagine not being able to park your submersible and support our local merchants. So, I believe it’s time that I take the initiative. We must recognize the harmful effects of too much CO2.

From now to eternity, I declare every day to be “Hold Your Breath Day.” Join me Lagunans in an initiative to breath in and not out. It’s important to go green. Save the planet.

Mark is a transplant to Laguna from Chicago. He occasionally writes the guest column “Pet Peeves.” His recently deceased border collie, Pokey, is his muse and ghostwriter.