I've been a member for awhile. But I'm posting for the first time; I was at the conference a couple of weeks ago and am trying to find ways to keep the good energy that came from it.

I missed a meeting yesterday when someone gave me the wrong floor of a building. I didn't have my cybernetic hip implant (i.e. Blackberry) with me, so I didn't have a way to call in. When I got home and retrieved the silly little device, my boss had emailed me, understandably not knowing what had happened, and was wondering where I was. I, of course, immediately get pissed about this (Ok, that's my shit), and send an email explaining the situation and then call her. I proceed to get the lecture about having the stupid Blackberry with me, and I'll cede that point, but I'm trying to point out that I called my contact repeatedly and he had turned his phone off, so I couldn't get the right location for the meeting, and I get from her, sarcastically (my boss is extremely sarcastic), "Ok, so just take the beating and listen." At this point I'm about ready to throw the fucking thing through the window. But if course, instead of being able to just chuckle about it and move on, I end up feeling miserable and acting out (i.e. watching porn, etc.) It is such a struggle when stuff like this happens and I make an honest mistake not to internalize it and repeat the victimization. Just blowing off steam is helpful in this forum, but any advice to offer?

Heh... not having ever had a white-collar job, i can't say i've ever had the whole Blackberry problem, but for a long time i refused to get a cellphone, simply b/c i did not cherish the idea of being "available" no matter where i was... i saw it as an electronic leash. It certainly sounds like you're none too fond of yours... Your anxiety level probably shot through the roof as you realized you: 1st, weren't going to make it on time; 2nd, you weren't going to be able to avoid SOMEbody finding out you forgot the Blackberry, b/c you had to go home and get it, and there's no way you won't miss the meeting; and 3rd, having a conversation that reminds you of being scolded in elementary school for something another kid did. I'd be all red-faced and raging impotently, too! My whole life has been forgetting things that others wouldn't, and watching the domino effect in action as my anxiety and shame would make it even worse. I can see a whole cavalcade of fear, resentment and "biting the bullet" issues being prominent through school and work for me. Shortly after my 1st abuse took place, that winter i would sit and read "Charlie Brown" books while waiting for the bus, my dad and stepmother had to leave work before the bus came, and i would sit in the house and read, the bus would come and i'd look up as it drove away. After this happened too many times, and i got yelled at to not do that anymore, it happened one more time. I was so scared to get in trouble i hopped on my little banana-seat Western Flyer and rode it all the way to school; i was 8, i didn't get there until 10:00 or so, but i got there.As adults, no one at work is going to care what's in our heads, unless we're affecting their job- this cold hard fact makes us often get on a see-saw of feeling either like a big baby, or like cursing the cutthroat aspects of the workplace.Priorities: What's the most impotant thing at the end of the day, when all's said and done? What is safe to change, what isn't? Trying to find a balance between what you can live with for now, and standing up for yourself might be the way to look at situations like these.Just thinking out loud, hope it helps.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speakWhispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

Negative emotions like anger and misery are curious beasts, in that they are almost always triggered by some other feeling. That is, if you look at this situation with your boss, you will probably see that there was a succession of feelings that led to your feeling of misery and rage, which then turned from a feeling into a behavior (checking out porn, etc.).

Maybe it would help you to look back at similar situations to see if there may be an underlying emotion (for example, feeling invalidated or patronized, or feeling disorganized) that keeps popping up. If you discover something like that, working on that feeling and why it's such a big deal for you may help you a lot.

That is, the problem probably isn't feeling miserable and angry as such, but something related to your issues that triggers the chain reaction that ends with you behaving in a miserable angry way.

Much love,Larry

_________________________Nobody living can ever stop meAs I go walking my freedom highway.Nobody living can make me turn back:This land was made for you and me.(Woody Guthrie)

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