1.03.2004

I think I've totally lost sight of why I started writing here in the first place. I'm having a blog epiphany - and it's not pretty.

I sincerely hope I don't offend anyone, I'm certainly not trying to. I just want to explain why I want to zip this whole thing up in a body bag and give it a proper burial.

Lotsa folks are blogging way less than usual. I find myself not even checking my regular reads for days - even up to a week because they don't write much. And that irritates me. I'd rather just abandon reading anything at all and just get out of this - period.

Also, I feel like I post too much. And that bothers me. I should feel like I can write something whenever I want to. Who the hell is this for? Not you, me. Sometimes I put off writing things or don't write them at all because I feel like I've posted too much that day. And I'll think, "I'm not posting that - no one else posts a damn thing, why should I?" Why should I put down all these thoughts, feelings, events and activities when I have nothing to read in return. I want to go back to writing just for me and not caring about who posts what. I'm sick of clicking into people's blogs every day and finding the same post that was there 2 days ago. (they don't give a shit enough to have their blogs pinged when they post, so you can't ever tell when it's fresh)

This somehow became a communication tool, but it's sinking fast. It could be fun, but it's not. And when I step over the line a bit, and actually ask a question and invite comments, maybe 2 people do. That's fucked up. I know how many people are here, and I know how often you come in here. And I can't even get a few fun responses to a direct question? That along with other things shows me that I need to go totally back to writing for myself, because when I try to make this a place to congregate and have fun, people come but just look inside from the window, and lurk. I've decided to put down the blinds.

Folks could say - "well, you write for you, I write for me". But when you post 5 lines every 4-5 days, that's not a journal for yourself. That's forcing yourself to write something because you feel like you have to. Writing so that the"blog police" don't get after you. And that's bullshit. No one wants to read the rhetoric you feel like you "have" to write. Just pack up your marbles and go home, for God's sakes.

I am thinking of just going to a new private blog and just writing for myself. Just a personal journal where I can write whatever the hell I want - 50 times a day if I want to - and not worry that I post too much, or worry about who's reading and then getting pissed because they're not updating. I'll read Cindi's and Katie's because they're family and they write the kinds of blogs I like to read. I can stop feeling like everyone keeps stopping by here to see whats been written, but then they don't post themselves. I'm really really sick of that shit. I see in my sitemeter who's been here, and then I check their blogs and they've posted nothing. They have time to see what I'm writing, but not to leave something on their own site for the rest of us to read. Screw that.

I'm leaving this blog in the next few days. There's a very good chance I will be going totally private. I got really upset about this tonight, and Mark made me talk to him about it. I was getting upset and I felt silly about it, but this place is really ingrained in me, and losing it makes me sad. Even if I'm the one who's ditching it..it's still sad. He agrees that if it's becoming a source of annoyance, then I need to change it. He had a lot of encouraging words, and gave me a lot of good input.

Writing here is a source of strength for me. It's a place I can put things down into words, and often sort them out "on paper". I can get things off my chest, or share good news, and feel good about it. But somewhere along the way this became a communication tool, but I feel like I'm the only one communicating. People will tell me "Oh, I love keeping up with this part of your life, and that part of your life, and you make me feel like I'm in the same room and we're having a conversation". And that's great. Except I would like to feel that way too. If you were constantly having a one-sided conversation with someone, it would cease to be any fun very quickly. If you tried to sit and talk to someone day in and day out and they never responded, you'd get up and leave the table and never come back. Talking to yourself would be more enjoyable. And that's exactly how I feel.

I'm just sick of this. And when it becomes not fun anymore, it's time to stop.