One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, 'Why so glum?'
The guy responded, 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
'Hell's not so bad,' the demon said. 'We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'
'Sure,' the man said, 'I love to drink.'

'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!'

The guy is astounded. 'Damn, that sounds great..'

'You a smoker?' the demon asked.

'You better believe it!'

'You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?'

'Wow, the guy said, 'that's awesome!'

The demon continued. 'I bet you like to gamble.'

'Why yes, as a matter of fact I do'

'Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?'

The guy said, 'Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . .'

'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!'

'Wow,' the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, 'I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news - the donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'

This is true whilst working away in Birmingham. We regulary used a Chinese takeaway and often chatted to the owner, one conversation when like this.......
C - Ahhh herlow
me - Herlow to you too
C - Where har yu flum
me - London
C - Har my bluvver liv in London, maybe you know him ?
me - Has he got eyes like you and thick glasses with his hair brushed
straight back ( Benny Hill )
C - Hahhhh you know my bluvvver ( he was over the moon )
C - How you get here ?
me - By car
C- Whot car you glot ?
me - I couldn't be bothered with the model, so just said " Ford car "
C - You glot four cars ?????? I work velly hard and I glot only one car..