Tag Archives: Christmas

The other day dad was checking to see if he had the black or the brown belt on with the blue pants, to avoid the kind of fashion faux pas that gets wives wondering if they’ve married down in life. To my surprise, this maneuver was nearly impossible without using the bathroom mirror. The light by the bedroom mirror had gone.

I’m not exactly sure when I lost the clearance to see my waist directly. And while there’s a small possibility my neck’s just gotten too muscle bound to reach the right angle, the holidays always seem to get me thinking about it.

This is the time of year we may find ourselves doing a double-take before recognizing the guy walking by in the mall store window reflection. Who at first looked like they may have been shoplifting things under their shirt. The time of year we notice there’s just not enough suck-it-up left to make a difference when the saleswoman gives you a smile over the clothes she’s folding.

‘Can I help you find something’, she says, surrounded by pre-teen fashion and accessories, and somehow suddenly making it obvious that I’m the only male in the entire crowded department. Just standing, and watching.

‘Just here with the wife,’ I say, taking a look around to find my wife, who is no longer anywhere to be seen in teens wear. ‘To pick something out for the kids,’ I say, and watch as her eyes make the same circuit of the store mine did, and then come back to settle on the front of my shirt.

‘What do you think,’ my wife says from my six o’clock. She’s arms upstretched, holding out pink and purple bangled quilt jackets, looking from me to the saleswoman and back.

‘I’m going to go check power tools,’ I say.

‘Stairmaster’s on sale’, my wife says, checking the color of my belt.

With four women in the house, weight is always on the menu. It’s been decided that everyone gains it when I’m home, and loses it when I’m traveling. Apparently dad’s gravity attracts stray calories into the house, which stick to the entire family.

And at no time is this more true than in the short cold days and long nights between Thanksgiving and New Years. A stretch that for almost all of human existence has also been the start of the season most short on food. With the kind of dieting no one would ever choose, an annual trial, forced and irresistable. A season not of overeating, but one that culled the thin and weak from the herd. And part of the reason, I suspect, we all still today have a hard-wired pull to feast and reach for the sweets and fat. To hold the ancient fear of famine, and death, at bay.

These days, its clear, there’s too much of a good thing. And, I intend to adjust my intake to resemble my expenditures. It’s time to lose some weight. Try and reverse the slide from six pack to keg.

Just as soon as we eat ourselves into the new year.

Because while I’ll be careful to keep from overdoing this year, I’ve decided the best diet to apply isn’t the one between Christmas and January 1. It’s the one between New Year’s and Christmas.

Santa’s helper has spoken to dad about the last please don’t get me this present for Christmas list and cleared up a few things, such as, why we’ve never been found in the kitchen dressed in a colorful apron. And, do not see this in our future.

Since the last set apparently came as quite a surprise, a few more gift ideas have come to mind I thought I’d better share. Not that we don’t like Santa’s gift ideas. We do. We have an entire shelf in the closet set aside as a showcase from previous years.

Let’s just say, if you see these wonderful items for men who cook, please, just leave them for somebody else.

1. Any Guy Fieri DVD I’m sure he’s an inspiration to many. He’s an energetic guy, and all over Food Network, so he must be popular. There’s just something about him and food …. How can I put this? I think my appetite has an allergy. To him.

2. Reusable Shopping BagsIt’s not about being green. It’s about getting out of the car, walking across the parking lot, around the store, going through the checkout, and back across the lot, holding one of these. And not being exactly sure what message I’m sending.

3. Fine Food Magazines Sure, these are great for ideas, helpful tips, and fun reading. Right up to the moment the youngsters hold it up to their plate and want to know why daddy’s food doesn’t look anything like the one in the picture.

4. Food DehydratorI’m sure there are plenty of dinner recipes that call for dried zucchini, bananas, and chicken. And, they must be way better than using fresh. Otherwise, why would anyone go to all the trouble of slicing up good food just to dry it out?

5. The Sensor Fresh Now, just because some of us aren’t afraid of a little meat that’s lost its pink color, and don’t want to waste otherwise perfectly good food and have to make an extra trip to the store, doesn’t mean we have to resort to this. 90 bucks for a device that sniffs ground beef and tells me it’s too old to eat? And when have I ever served food so old it made anyone sick? And not just because nobody would touch it.

This time of year there’s plenty of bustling and whispering behind closed doors about what to give Dad for Christmas.

If the man’s been spending time in the kitchen – or you wish he would – food and cooking gifts may come to mind. What could be better? It’s either that or the matching tie / socks set.

As a helpful shopping guide, I’m leaving this post lying around the kitchen table as a subtle reminder. When it comes to presents, it’s really the thought that counts, and we’ll be happy with anything our loving family gives us, but here’s a list of goodies that are guaranteed to gather dust and / or make present opening a huge disappointment.

1. The Encyclopedia of Cooking A two-volume set. Dad seems stressed in the kitchen, and this looks like it would be a big help, right? Wrong. As a Christmas present this intimidating opus just lets Dad know he’s now under big pressure and high expectations. And, it has way too many words.

2. Colorful Apron I’m sure there are men who wear bright, cheery, colorful aprons in the kitchen at home. I don’t know any. I wouldn’t. Instead, if you’re looking for some truly unique, funny, manly gift aprons for cooking, as an alternative to him just wiping his hands on his tshirt, then be sure and check minehere at Dad’s in the Kitchen! Shop and overlook this shameless plug.

3. Food of the Month ClubAt first this seems really fun and interesting. Then you figure out that for half the price you can go to the store once a month, pick up much the same items and mail them to the house, and have them go bad while he tries to find something to do with them.

4. Food Storage ContainersThe ‘cook once, eat twice’ approach can really save kitchen time and trouble when it comes to family meals. And a good set of containers for leftovers makes it even easier. And this gift is right up there with drain snakes, home insulation, and hedge shears.

5. Personal Deep FryerThis handy appliance can turn out french fries, donuts, country fried steaks, deep-fried cheese and veggies…. Do we really want to go there?

6. Kevlar Cut Resistant GlovesNothing shows how a family really feels when they see dad sharpening the chef knife than a pair of these.

7. Electric Carving Knife See above.

8. Pasta MakerThere’s probably nothing dad looks forward to more than dashing home from work to whip up dinner for the kids and pulling out the pasta maker to produce spaghetti from scratch, rather than grabbing a packet at the market for a buck. And that’s why this wonderful device will live at the back of the cupboard.

9. Cooking Torch w/Fuel GaugeWhen it comes to really tech and manly cooking tools, this one’s very hard to beat. His second reaction will be, what the heck do you use it for? The answer is, nothing at all comes to mind. So, do you really want him experimenting to find out?

10. Smoking Gun According to its manufacturer, this handy device ‘adds a smoky flavor to foods before or after cooking. Gentle enough for use on delicate fruits and vegetables without changing texture or temperature’. What could possibly go wrong?