5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - February 24, 2015

1. Rudy Giuliani Doesn't Understand How Apologies Or Words In General Are Supposed To Work

In an attempt to explain his recent super-dumb-sounding theory that President Barack Obama does not love America, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani suggested that people may have been confused by the bluntness of his language. "My blunt language suggesting that the president doesn't love America notwithstanding, I didn't intend to question President Obama's motives or the content of his heart," he wrote in a Wall Street Journal opinion piece. See, he wasn't questioning the content of Obama's heart, just the things that he loves with the contents of his heart. A small but important distinction.

How can Giuliani say that President Obama doesn't love America? He reads our emails and listens to our phone calls! He's obsessed with us!

2. Do The Simpsons Live In Australia? (Spoiler Alert: No.)

Astronomer and pop-science writer Phil Plait claims to have deduced the Simpsons' hometown of Springfield is actually somewhere in the Southern Hemisphere, based upon the image of the moon in a recent episode. I, however, have deduced that the animators probably just got lazy and drew an American moon backwards, based upon two decades of context clues on the show.

4. It's Now Legal To Smoke Pot In Alaska, Just So Long As Nobody Catches You Doing It

While the recreational use of marijuana became legal today in Alaska, it remains illegal for Alaskans to be seen using marijuana recreationally. Police are preparing to hand out $100 fines to people caught toking in public, and smokers are being advised to exercise their new right in the privacy of their homes, where their celebrations cannot be witnessed by anyone else. "Don't do anything to give your neighbors reason to feel uneasy about this new law," legalization organizers wrote in a local paper. It truly is a new day!

Tomorrow, pot is legal in Alaska. Best city to smoke weed is Juneau, because if you stare at the name long enough, it looks like Keanu.

5. Science Finally Gives Us An Excuse To Be Lazy, Sweaty and Naked

Hanging around a bunch of sweaty old dudes in towels may have some surprising health benefits, according to a new study published in JAMA Internal Medicine. "There was an inverse relationship between sauna and (cardiovascular disease) risk, meaning that more is better," the study's senior author told Reuters Health. "On the basis of these results, it seems that more than four sauna sessions per week had the lowest risk, but also those with two to three sauna sessions may get some benefits."

Been asked to leave the spa. Kept saying, "It's like a sauna in here" inside the sauna. Whatever. New guy liked it.