My night was long. I was lying awake, consciously drifting in time and space from one reality to another. As if I were asleep. This time though I was somewhat conscious. Drifting in and out of consciousness. Just barely conscious yet enough to know that I was. I had glimpses of my mind talking, demanding I try and get some sleep for the day will bring things that would demand my energy, my brain power and my physical strength.

Those whispers were soft, too soft. I didn’t obey.

I felt like drifting, surrendering into the vast deep layers of my unconscious and continue my watch seeing where it was guiding me to. I did eventually fell asleep. I know that much because I ‘woke up’ a couple of hours earlier than I set my alarm for. I glided out of bed, surprisingly treading on clouds. A soft landing. Did I land? I barely felt the floor under my feet.

I enjoyed my usual morning routine, spent a moment outside breathing in the fresh air. I watched my cat jumped onto a tree scratching his nails on the bark. After standing there half awake, I gazed down to check in with myself. Yup, today something is different, I affirmed. I felt light. Like I woke up and it was my birthday. Last time I checked I don't recall been born on this day. So what is it then, I wondered? I understand now the meaning of when people say ‘something is in the air’ because something was in the air! The question is WHAT?

Puzzled I turned around and made my way to the kitchen for some coffee. It distracted me a moment from my quest to find this very important answer. After that I got on with my day. My day got busy still, even through my doings this feeling stayed. Nothing I did took it away. It actually got stronger as the day went on. When I got home I made my way to my bedroom. I nestled myself into bed.

The blankets felt extra soft and caressed my body perfectly. White linen sheets and pillows all around me. I sunk even deeper into my bed as I realized I have absolutely nothing else to do. Ofcourse I forgot at the time that if I were to stop the DOINGS the messages from my heart would spiral louder. What is this feeling? I need to know. It’s so familiar. It’s so intoxicating. I don't want to rid myself of it. I just want to understand what it is. I love it so. Maybe I love it too much.

Is that what is going on here, I thought to myself? The high I felt from it, was so addictive that I could see myself getting lost in it. Vanished into a portal of bliss. Without any boundaries or structure. Turned liquid and lost all form and space. And then there it was. The answer I have been calling for. In search of from the moment I set foot outside my bed. You haunted and teased me, I passionately responded.

I now welcome you back into my life. I am sorry I have asked you to leave for a while. I had to, to survive this life on my quest of healing a broken heart. I am asking you now to unpack your bags. Make yourself comfortable for a long long stay. I missed you so. More than you would ever know. And you simply must understand, I needed to be without you for a little while. I feel the beauty of the gift you offer me. Fill me from my crown to my toe. I am ready. I am ready. I AM READY. You may enter me. Forever more. I am completing my cycle in the absence of you.