this is gonna be a long one

I took half day leave today even though I shouldn’t have because…well, long story. But then, I had been working late into the night for the past 2 months that I think I am functioning at a reduced capacity lately, which is why I am making all the mistakes I am doing now, because I am simply too exhausted.

Anyway, took half a day off to watch Kung Fu Panda 3 with my brother since it’s the school holidays. Being the #overlyattachedsister that I am, I make it a point to spend some time for an outing with him since he was younger every school holiday. I would’ve liked to take a full day off instead but what to do. Tak apalah, I find the difference working here is I feel more ikhlas working because my direct superiors see and acknowledge how hard I am working without me having to justify myself (PLUS POINTS!), and no dumb shit like “you only get something more than a B if your RO likes you, and you always join company concerts and perform onstage.” yarrrright.

Anywho, back to the main point of this post. A few days ago, I saw a good photog+video deal on instagram, screenshot it and sent to my friend N who is getting married in the same month as I am. (Then I realised my past few whatsapp messages to her were all wedding-related items HAHAHA then I paiseh sekejap.) We were talking about photographers and she said she enquired with one vendor who she really liked but they layan her like nak tak nak. I told her when I went to the wedding expo, I dropped by said photographer’s booth cos I saw someone I knew, and the face of one of the personnel was masam like anything. If I was hyped with their reputation on IG, then I saw that face IRL, I’d be like… “Err, takpelah terima kasih.”

OK sidetrack abit eh. I know, a person’s face at any given time may just look masam or RBF if they are tired. I understand, I have RBF. But I also know that it is not good etiquette to not have a smile on, or at least arrange yourself into a somewhat neutral facial expression, when you are manning a booth where you expect people to approach you, especially since you are running a business! I don’t just cakap kosong, because I do know what they go through. I have had to man booths at outreach activities for long hours (outreach OK, I am not even looking for people to spend their money on me), most times on my own, having to deal with many people at any one time, or annoying people asking annoying questions, standing for hours on end without rest. Once during Ramadhan, I was at an outreach for 6 hours with non-stop talking and dealing with the most rude kindergarten teachers I have ever met. Never once did I not have a smile on my face whenever someone approached my booth. I don’t believe I can judge if I haven’t gone through a similar experience myself, but seriously…

OK takpe. Masam face, I can take it. But I feel like it is not professional, since you are in a context where you know you are expected to come across as approachable at the very least.

OK my sidetrack very long. Sorry.

Anyways, then I told her about my photographers. Passed her the quotes, showed her the instagram accounts, and bam! She secured a slot with them too! Then comes the #anjatgegerl moment hahaha…

She said she was quite happy she managed to get the husband-wife duo (Salihin and Roslina). Then I was like, eh aren’t they the only photographers?? But apparently, there are other photographer duos! Hahahaha my god slenger bacin seh aku. I seriously didn’t think to ask if they will be our photographers because from the start of my dealings with Zac, it sounded like they were and when we met them, I just assumed they were! So immediately I texted Roslina (I also dunno why I never texted Zac directly haha, see I told you – I am operating at diminished capacity), but alhamdulillah she got back to me a day later to confirm that they will be the ones photographing our wedding. Phew. So I assumed correctly lah. Never hurts to confirm. Better to clarify now than later kan.

But of course, wallahualam if anything happens between now and then that is unforeseen and cannot be avoided, then leave that in Allah’s hands lah kan. Like my SIL’s henna artist – she engaged someone else but on the day itself, it so happens that the lady fell sick so she got a replacement who may not be as great. But these things, what to do. Asalkan the wedding caterer and crew semua tak jatuh sakit, sudah eh.

The lesser people it affects, the easier it is to deal with. Which is why a smaller wedding is easier to control also hahaha. A smaller anything is easier to damage control la.

Too bad a small wedding is out of the books for me and fiance. I was being emo to my fiance a few nights ago, saying a big wedding is so not me, I would much rather have it at somewhere like 1 Market (hahaha cos my mom and I love Chef Wan) or the masjid, and really only invite people who are like just my cousins (no second cousins type, LOL cannot say only invite people we know cos we and parents personally know a lot of people so that thing about “inviting 500 people you don’t even know to your wedding” crap is inapplicable to us). But yeah, too bad I can’t slow talk my parents (aka my mom) into it now because of what happened earlier on. All my plans dashed because of the hurtful words and actions of one single inconsiderate, selfish idiot (and the stubbornness of another stubborn person who insisted on the selfish idiot’s presence). Fiance was comforting me and telling me that this is all in Allah’s hands and there must be a hikmah to all this.

Of course, I am still angry lah. I mean, what hikmah could it be if the situation now is not allowing me to get married earlier and spend less on the wedding? I mean, even though we are not spending as much as other couples might be, it’s just like… I dunno… I don’t want another repeat event of the food fiasco with my tunang event. Orang penat-penat order makanan banyak, korang senang-senang je sabo. Eeeee menguji kesabaran aku betul lah manusia ni. Serious seh. Korang tak takut ke aniaya orang lain huh? Tunggu saje lah ye balasannya nanti. I don’t seek revenge, I leave it up to God. I have seen with my eyes people paying for their sins, especially sins of ill-treating others – I can tell you, none of it is pretty, or light. Seriously, korang tak takut eh?

Okay never mind. Of course, must stay positive and hope for the best. That’s what I always do – make the best out of a shitty situation. That’s how I have survived all this time. Tawakkal je lah…